Struck by White Lightnin’

5 women/4 men/small band to play hillbilly type music Setting: Down in Possumbottom Holler in front of the Possumbottom house. Props: 4-5 bales of hay, old blankets, chairs, washboard, spittoon, and whiskey jugs. Shower props: large face picture of Billy Joe, wedding dress showing pregnancy, "ugly" knitted/crotched blanket, box with what sounds like broken glass, fancy/dancy long johns.Band can be off to one side of the stage.

CAST

Billy Joe Bob Possumbottom: Eldest son (dressed in a suit but has long johns un-derneath it)

Crystal Vaase: Big city socialite (dressed in expensive clothes)

Loda Hotaire: Wedding planner (dressed in expensive clothes)

Preacher Leacher: Preacher/undercover Federal Marshall (dressed in old time long tailed suit coat, hat. Carries a pretend Bible with his badge in it)

Pa Possumbottom: Patriarch of the clan (overalls, straw hat, long john shirt)

Ma Possumbottom: Matriarch of the clan (old lady dress, grey hair, apron)

Bobby Jim Bob Possumbottom: Identical twin to Billy Joe Bob (overalls, hat, long john shirt)

Sadie Mae Schmidthouse: Daughter of neighbor clan (flirtatious top/skirt and is barefoot)

Bertha Jane Possumbottom: Youngest daughter (is a bit challenged. Overalls, crazy hair)

1

Hillbilly band: See who you can find to play Act ONE

Opens with musical group playing a typical hillbilly song.

Ma: “Well, that was just fine; a good song fer the weddin’. Now let’s practice the comin’ home song. And a one, two, three…….”

(group plays one verse of “She’ll Be Coming Round the Mountain”)

Ma: “Wait, wait……..it’s needin’ more oomph.” (goes to mike while group plays very softly in the background) “We’re gonna need yer help here. Why, you’ve all known our oldest, Billy Joe Bob, since he was knee high to a grasshopper. He went off to the big city five years ago. At first, he had real hard time adaptin’. Soon after he got there, he went to the emergency room with 20 stab marks to his forehead! (looks at audience for reaction) Yup, he was tryin’ to teach hisself to eat with a fork in order to fit in (looks at audience again). But he finally fig-ured it out, got hisself a mighty fine job AND a lady love. Now he’s comin’ home to get hisself hitched. He wrote me just a few weeks ago (takes out letter) and said, Ma, I’m writin’ this real slow 'cause I know you can’t read so fast. He’s always so considerate!

I met myself a real fine woman and I convinced her that we that it was important to me to get married at home, in Possumbottom Holler. Since she doesn’t have any kin, that’s fine with her. I may have exaggerated a bit when telling her about our place so will you please at least put out the one good dish and make sure the hogs are locked up. I’m so excited about him comin’ home that I fergot to put Pa’s spittoon back by his rocker. Now I got four hounds runnin’ around rubbin’ der eyes ‘cause they got it in the face. Anyway…….back to ya’ll helpin’ to greet Billy Joe Bob. You over there; when I point to you, go toot toot. Ya’ll in the middle, when I point to you, go yum yum. And the rest of you, when it’s yer turn say YE HA!”

2

(go thru 3 verses of: He’ll Be Comin’ Round the Mountain. Ma goes to each sec-tion and directs them to say the following.)

First verse (when he comes) TOOT TOOT”Second verse (we’ll all have chicken and dumplings when he comes) YUM YUMThird verse (we’ll all be drinkin’ moonshine when he comes) YE HA

Ma: “Well, that was as fine as a gnat’s hair on a watermelon! Why I bet… “

(Bobby Jim Bob enters and comes up to her—musicians leave stage)

Bobby Jim: “Ma….where’d ya want them hay bales moved to? With my fancy dancy twin brother comin’ back from the BIG CITY I’m sure you don’t want ‘em here anymore.”

Ma: “You still got a bug up yer butt, Bobby Jim Bob, ‘bout yer identical twin brother leavin’ here? Ya know he had to follow his dream and seek his fortune.”

Bobby Jim: “Yeah, but that left ME here doin’ TWICE the chores. AND, does he ever send money from his little sissy job at a BIG CITY restaurant? NO, he don’t! We’re havin’ to live on what the family can bring in from our whiskey still. AND, who’s the one movin’ and hidin’ it every few months? AND stoking the fire in the middle of the night? AND runnin’ the back roads with loads of pint jars that could land a person in jail? ME! AND…who’s to say I didn’t want to leave and follow MY dreams? Billy Joe Bob just beat me to it!!! (Pa saunters by)

Pa: “ What’s goin’ on Ma? Did ya shrink the boy’s long johns agin’? Heh, heh. Not rinse out ‘nough of the lye soap? Heh, heh.”

Ma: “No, he’s just riled up over havin’ ta do most of the work ‘round here. Ya re-ally should help him out more Pa. Ya know, yer still strong enough to lift yer whiskey jug several times a day and I’ve seen ya move pretty dern fast when yer headed to the outhouse without yer boots on. ”

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Pa: “Yer surely right, Ma. And I AM gonna start that helpin’ out more…Yup, right after I’s take a little nap.” (goes and lays down/begins snoring)

Bobby Jim: “And where’s that worthless sister of mine? She can at least help pour off the batch at the still so I can get the new mash started.”

Ma: “First of all, Bertha Jane ain’t worthless. She’s just….not the sharpest tool in the shed.”

Bobby Jim: “I’d say she is all foam and no beer! Why that two-headed calf I have has more sense than her!”

Ma: “Oh you hush, now. And, secondly, with all those people comin’ ‘round fer the weddin’, we best have a code word for our whiskey still. We don’t want to advertise our illegal activities ‘round no strangers. Ok, let’s think. What can it be?” (both pantomime thinking)

Pa (turns over & yells out): “I’s gotta go to da OUTHOUSE” (continues snoring)

Bobby Jim: “Perfect! Good idear, Pa. That way no one’s gonna want to go with ya. Unless of course they find out we have a two-holer. But, we kin just say the racoons chewed one seat off and it’s REAL uncomfortable to sit on that one side.”

*Note: NOW, every time someone mentions the word OUTHOUSE (in caps) all Possumbottoms turn to the audience and wink.

(Bertha Jane wanders on stage)

Bertha Jane: “What’s uncomfortable?”

Ma: “The outhouse.”

Bertha Jane: “No it’s not…..I was just there.”

Bobby Jim: “It figgers! Yer always in there! Well, did ya at least stoke the fire?”4

Bertha Jane: “Smoke? Fire? The outhouse is on fire? Oh my garsh, I thought it was just warm ‘cuz the sun was comin’ through the holes in the roof.”

Ma: “Bobby Jim Bob, she doesn’t know what yer talkin’ ‘bout. Tell her while I get yer Pa up to help with dinner.”

Bobby Jim and Bertha Jane walk off talking. Preacher has entered the stage dressed in a black suit. Ma shakes Pa who startles awake. Looking past Ma, Pa says….

Pa: “Oh, great fleas in my armpit! A black b’ar! Don’t take me mister b’ar….uhhh, take her…she’ll fill you up much better!” (pushes Ma forward as he takes a swig out of a jar)

Ma: “You old fool. You been drinkin’ too much. It’s not a b’ar! It’s a preacher. And a mighty fine lookin’ preacher at that (preens and goes to greet him). Howdy. I’m Ma Possumbottom and this here is Pa. And who might you be???”

Preacher: “Just in time for a wedding. Word around this area has it that your son is getting married. My jackass and I were traveling through these fine parts so I thought I would volunteer my services for the services.”

Pa (looking behind the preacher): “Ya got a travelin’ companion with you? (looks around) Where? And by the by, as a preacher, ya’ll shouldn’t be callin’ somebody a jackass.”

Preacher: “No, I’m traveling on a jackass! The horse rental place in town had a rush order for all their horses to be used in a Southern Western movie called True Grits starring that gorgeous brunette, Sandy Bottoms and that body builder, Rusty Springs. So, all I could get was a jackass. Anyway, can I be of service for your ser-vice?”

5

Ma: “Ya know, I never even thought ‘bout that part of the weddin’. I was so anx-ious ‘bout the vittles and music and such. Our weddin’s usually consisted of a shotgun, a bible and a simple I do …but I ‘spose since yer here….”

Pa: “Well then, we’d be happy iffin you’d say a few words to make it all right and proper. This is our oldest son’s weddin’ an’ all. I’ve got some real good idears fer ya as soon as I set down for a spell. My rheumatiz makes it hard for me to stand too long.” (proceeds to sit down and start snoring)

Preacher (turns to Pa): Well, I’d like to hear your ideas but first let me tell about my services. I’ve got the mini service, the traditional service, the DE-lux service, the tear jerker service…(Pa starts snoring really loud).

Bobby Jim Bob rushes in ignoring Ma and Preacher

Bobby Jim: “Pa, Pa, wake up! Wake up! I need ye help gittin….

Pa: “What? You need my help with yer mittens?”

Bobby Jim: “No, Pa. I need yer help with gittin’ more wood for the fire.”

Pa: “Yes, I’m tired. Now let me get back ta sleep!”

Bobby Jim: “Garsh darn it! I don’t get no help, no how! Thanks to my brother, I hafta do everythin’ ‘round here.” (storms off stage)

Preacher: “I’m assuming that he was one of your sons?”

Ma: “Yup, that he is.”

Preacher: “I can’t help wondering, since it’s 90 degrees out, why was he so intent on building a fire?”

Ma: “Well. Ummm. Yup that’s a good question. I know. He’s one of them there, what is it called, pyro-maniacs. So, you just don’t be leavin’ any matches ‘round.”

6

Preacher: “OK. Well then, Mrs. Possumbottom, I have just a few other questions for you. (talks faster and faster) How long have you owned this land? What’s your family income? Do you cut your own wood? Is there a stream on the prop-erty? Has any member of your family ever attended a support group?”

Ma: “Whoa there, that’s alotta of questions Mr. Preacher. What do any of ‘em have to do with my dear Billy Joe Bob getting married?”

Preacher (flustered): “Ahhh …..I’m just trying to get some family background so I can give you the very best service at your service. Now, back to the background. (says faster & faster) Where do all these paths in the woods go? Where are your two other grown children? Why do you have cases and cases of canning jars in that old, rusty, broken down Chevy up on blocks? And who’s the cute blonde with braids I saw on the two track?”

Ma: “Uhhh, the paths lead to the, ahhh, outhouse. My two youngin’s are in the, ahh, outhouse. I do a lotta canin’. Putin’ up for the winter an’ all. And the blonde would be Sadie Mae Schmithouse, one of our neighbors in the brick house. She, ah, goes to our outhouse too, sometimes.”

Preacher: “Sooooo……your two kids are IN the outhouse soon to be joined by Sadie Mae …also going to the Schmidthouse AND you can a lot. Is that right?”

Ma: “Sadie Mae LEFT the Schmidthouse and is going to the OUTHOUSE. And, yes, I can A LOT!”

Preacher: “If she just LEFT the Schmidthouse why is she GOING to the Schmidt-house? AND, what do you can a lot of?”

Ma: “Prunes. Yup, lotsa prunes.”

7

Preacher: “Uh, huh. Ok, now things are coming together. (starts clearing his throat, small coughs) Could I trouble you for a drink of that ice tea?” (reaching for Pa’s jar)

Ma: “No! (grabbing it away) It’s…ahhh… bad luck to put your lips on someone else’s jugs in these parts.”

Preacher: “But I’m really thirsty.”

Ma: “That might be but ya don’t want to bring us bad luck rights when we’re havin’ a weddin’, now do ya?”

Preacher: “Bad luck, huh? Fine. Then let’s get back to the background. (says faster & faster) Why is the air so smoky around here? Why do you buy more yeast in town than the bakery does? Does mud ALWAYS cover the license plate on that old truck with the tarps in it? Why do (his eyes bug out and he pushes Ma aside to get to Sadie Mae as she enters the stage)…Well, hello hot mama! (real-izes his mistake) I mean….did you vote for Obama?”

Everyone (on stage): “Who?”

Preacher: “Oh, never mind. I’m Preacher Leacher; and who might you be?”

Sadie Mae (flirty): “I’m Sadie Mae from over yonder down the valley. You sure do look handsome in that there fancy suite you got on. (sways slightly and sneezes) Oh EXCUSE me. I’ve been over at the OUTHOUSE (winks at ma) with Bobby Jim Bob and Bertha Jane. We all got a lot done bein’ together an’ all, but the fumes are somethin’ awful! We dumped quite a load though and are fixin’ to get more…….oh yeah, and Bobby Jim wanted you to come quick ‘cuz the water level is risin’ in the OUTHOUSE and the steam might blow the roof off…(sees ev-eryone glaring at her) umm, roof .. off.. of the…OUTHOUSE.”

(Ma grabs Pa and hurries off stage)

8

Preacher (turns to audience): “I have NO idea what to say at this point. Three of them in the outhouse together? With a rising water level and steam??…….sounds like that is a pretty messy and not to mention, just plain GROSS , situation. But, not being accustomed to the regional customs, who am I to judge?”

Sadie Mae: “Judge? I thought ya was a Preacher? I was hopin’ you are ‘cuz I’ve been feelin’ real sad and kinda mad at somethin’. I REALLY need some wise counsel.”

Preacher: “Well, I’ve never used wise and counsel in the same sentence but here, come sit on my knee and tell me your troubles.” (reacts)

Sadie Mae: “Alright. I’m sorely troubled because my fated true love, Billy Joe Bob, is comin’ home with another woman and they ‘tend to marry. (Preacher is really smiling) Are you listenin’ to me? Ya know, I loved him when I was six and he put frogs in my Koolaid. I loved him when I was 10 and he nailed my braids to the front porch step. I loved him when I was 12 and he gave me a black and white kitty that turned out not to be. (Preacher looks at her quizzically) A kitty I mean. It WAS black and white. Are you listenin’?? I loved him when I was 14 and…”

Preacher: “I get the picture…….you love him. (dumps her off his lap) BUT, he is taken. What part of getting betrothed don’t you get?”

Sadie Mae: “She doesn’t know anythin’ about him! ‘Bout how he mixes his taters with his turnip greens. And, he is the only one that doesn’t like dark meat in his turtle soup. And, how he uses possum grease as pomade for his mous-tache. I can only ‘magine what it’s like to kiss someone who tastes like stew meat. Yum yum. NO! I’ve loved him the longest! If I can’t have him, nobody will!!!” (runs off crying)

Preacher (to audience): “Well, I guess I failed counseling 101. Good thing I’m not REALLY a preacher. (looks around and opens his bible to show a badge) My REAL

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name is Marshall Marshall undercover Federal Marshall. You may remember that name from a play two years ago. I am totally unrelated to that Marshall Marshall Marshall. It is strict coincidence and bad writing on the part of the play author that we bear the same moniker. Anyway, I’ve been watching the moonshine ac-tivity in this valley for a long time. And I don’t mean like the moon shining at night in a starry sky. I mean LICQUOR! White lightnin’, mountain dew, hooch, firewater! By the GALLON! Right here in Cockroach County! There’s a still in these woods somewhere and I mean to find it and shut it down!!”

Preacher: “First thing I need to do is find my ride. (looks at audience) Has any-one seen my ass?”

Sadie Mae (peeking out from behind the side panel) “Well, that would be mighty nice of you if I could. It sure would perk me up!”

Preacher: “You know that I’m talking about my jackass, right!”

Sadie (stutters): “Of course you are. I knew that! I love animals. What did you think I meant?” (Leaves again)

From the other side of the stage Preacher hears donkey sounds Preacher: “Aha, being the fine detective that I am, I hear familiar sounds. I deduct that it is the True Grits cast heading back to their stable. Hmmm, I wonder if they perhaps have seen my jackass. (exits purposefully)

Enter wedding planner with a suitcase.

Loda: “Oh dear……I checked the GPS six times and it still brings me back to this HOVEL. This simply can not be the family home of William Joseph Roberts. His TIES cost more than my car. And his fiancé has such good taste and breeding up the wazoo. I was so lucky to get this gig…..it’s my big break in the wedding plan-ning business. Why, when THEIR people tell OTHER people who tell THEIR peo-ple, then ALL the people will want me! I’ll be booked solid for YEARS! This simply cannot be happening………there must be a mansion around here somewhere. This can’t even be the servant’s quarters. I mean no one would let their servants have that many dogs. I’ll just make my way back to the road and try to find a cell

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phone signal. Let’s see…..left at the stagnant pond, right at the rusty Chevy truck, over the broken fence……..”(She bumps into Bertha Jane)

Loda (screeches): ‘Ehhh, where did you come from? ”

Bertha Jane: “Ya mean you don’t know? I’s thought everybody knew babies came from the cabbage patch.”

Crystal: “Yes, yes. I know where babies come from!”

Bertha Jane: “Then why’s ya ask me where I come from?”

Crystal: “I meant, I didn’t see you standing there plus you scared me.”

Bertha Jane: “Well, who are you? Is you visitin’ someone? Yer sure not from ‘round these parts. (she walks up closer) You smell purty…..”

Loda: “Back! Back strange person!”

Bertha Jane: “HEY! I ain’t strange. I’m unique. Ma and Pa always say that. Yup, Bertha Jane Possumbottom, yer sumpin’ unique all right. Are you a unique lady?”

Loda: “I certainly am. My name is Loda Hotaire. I’m a famous, well almost fa-mous, wedding planner from New York City. Not everyone can afford their own wedding planner you know.”

Bertha Jane: “New York CITY?? That’s more than a hop, skip, and a jump from Possumbottom Holler. What ya doin’ in these here parts?”

Loda: “I am looking for the residence of the parents of William Joseph Roberts. It’s probably a BIG HOUSE with OUT BUILDINGS.”(pantomimes and talks slow)

Bertha Jane (thinking hard): “You mean like an outhouse? ‘Cuz we all have those ‘round here. In fact, my family has two but one’s a secret. I was just there with my brother and our neighbor. We were just goin’ to do some moon…”

11

Loda (holds hand up): “Too much information!! What happens at the outhouse stays at the outhouse, I always say. Do you know any family that might have come from the big city with a son named William Joseph Roberts?”

Bertha Jane: “Nope, but my big brother might. Billy Joe Bob is a comin’ home with his sweetheart this very day from New York City. Maybe they is yer neigh-bors.”

Loda: “Young lady, New York City is very, very big. I doubt if we are neighbors. I live in an exclusive part of the city on South Snobbery Boulevard. From the looks of your homestead here I can’t imagine that…”

Betha Jane (interrupts): “Why, that’s the very street that Billy Joe Bob lives on. He works at this fancy restaurant named, uhhh, Hobby Nobby. Ya ever heard of it?”

Loda: “I believe you mean Hob Nob. AND heard of it….why I go there all the time! In fact, I’ve been hired by the rich manager and his fiancé to do their wed-ding somewhere in this area. Oh, oh. Wait a minute. You said your brother’s name is Billy Joe Bob……like Billy—William, Joe—Joseph Bob—Robert…..and he lives in New York? Ugh, I’m RUINED! I’ll never sell an-other canapé. Never fluff another gown. Never get intoxicated by free drinks…I mean, the smell of gardenias again! Oh woe is me!!” (drops a paper as she runs off stage)

Bobby Jim (enters): “Who was that Bertha Jane? And what was she hollerin’ ‘bout? She really shouldn’t be tramplin’ around in the woods wearin’ them there shoes with spiky heels. She’s sure to get lost. Aww, jeez, I’ll have ta get a couple of the hounds and go fetch her. What was she doin’ here anyway?”

Bertha Jane: “Lookin’ fer somebody by the name of Roberts with a BIG outhouse. I told her I sure didn’t know of anyone ‘round these parts by that name. She started talkin’ alittle crazy and den ran off. I figured she was lost and looks like she’s ‘bout to get loster!. (picks up a paper on the ground) But she did drop this

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here paper. By lookin’ at this, according to the GPS coordinates she seems to be at the right location.”

Bobby Jim: “G, P, S? What is that?”

Bertha Jane: “Uhh, Granny’s Possum Sauce.”

Bobby Jim: “Oh, yeah. That shore is the best sauce in the county.”

Bertha Jane: “Well, you best go find her ‘cuz if she gets in the swamp you ain’t goin’ ta find nothin’ but those pretty pink toenails once the gators get her.”

Billy Joe Bob and Crystal Vaase enter.

Billy Joe (says to Bobby Jim Bob): “Brother.”

Bobby Jim: “Brother.”

Bertha Jane (runs full barrel towards Billy Joe Bob): “Billy Joe Bob! You’re home, you’re home! I’ve been awaintin’ to see your face and squeeze ya so tight yull squeak when ya walk!”

Billy Joe (pulls away and makes a funny face at her like she smells or something)

Bertha Jane: “What’s the matter Billy Joe Bob? We usta be thicker than mud.”

Bill Joe: “First, I need you to know my name is no longer Billy Joe Bob. I now go by William Joseph Roberts…AND I don’t like mud.”

Bertha Jane: “That sounds mighty uppity! Wait a minute, now. There was a lady just here alookin’ for a person with that very name!”

Billy Joe: “Well, where is she? It was probably our wedding planner?”

13

Bertha Jane: “Now don’t get your long johns in a bunch. She was crazier than a loon and ran off into the woods. Hey, what happened to your given name of Pos-sumbottom?”

Billy Joe: “I had to change a lot of things when I went to the big city and getting rid of that name was one of them.”

Bobby Jim: “Sounds like yore ‘shamed of bein’ a Possumbottom. Great Granpappy Possumbottom walked ten miles up hill both ways in a snow storm everyday just to run his trapping line. Everybody else sold coonskins but he was the first to figger out that skinnin’ coons from the waist down made perfect hats. Why, he musta sold over 500 hats just to the Crocket clan in the first six months. The name Possumbottom has proud histry.”

Billy Joe: “I’m not here to dispute my heritage. I’m here to include my family to a limited degree in my wedding nuptials. Speaking of which, I would like to intro-duce my betrothed, Crystal Vaase. We would like to have our wedding ceremony as soon as possible and get back to the city. Where exactly are mother and fa-ther?”

Bertha Jane: “Crystal Vase?”

Crystal: “It is Vaase dear. Not vase. Please step back a bit as you are invading my space.”

Bertha Jane: “YOU play space invaders?! I do that too on my computer.”

Bobby Jim: “Yer computer? What are you talkin’ ‘bout?”

Bertha Jane: “I mean…if I had me a computer. Uhh, I’s heard there’s a game called space invaders.”

Bobby Jim: “So, it is what I reckoned. Yore just here to get hitched, make Ma and Pa happy, and then just take off and leave me here agin…alone to take care of all the kin. Yore the eldest! You have RESPONSIBILITIES!”

14

Billy Joe: “The eldest? I was born only 3 seconds ahead of you. If mother hadn’t been bouncing around on that mule you would’ve been the first born. Anyway, I have chosen to seek my destiny elsewhere and you seem content to stay in the hills. Se la vie.”

Bobby Jim: “Content! Content. Ya call diggin’ new outhouse holes every six months, pluckin’ chickens, sloppin’ hogs, and runnin’ that still (glances at Crystal)….I mean, still runnin’ everythin’ is making me CON-TENT!. Well, you can SAY LA WE! I’m gettin’ outta here too, come hell or high water!”

Bertha Jane: “Calm yerself down, Bobby Jim Bob. Yore hottern a hen on a hot rock. Hey, Billy Joe Bob, do Ma and Pa know yore here yet? They was so excited for yer comin’ home that they were fixin’ to have the neighbors do ya a comin’ home song clear up to the shivaree.”

Crystal: “What’s a shiveree?”

Bertha Jane: “That’s when the newlywed couple turns their light out in their hon-eymoon shack and all the neighbors commence to bangin’ on pots & pans, hol-lerin’ and havin’ a ye-ha good ol’ time before the newlyweds get to…well, ya know. (giggles behind her hand)

Crystal: “Pots & pans? Hollering and ye-ha? I thought you told me that we would leave right after the ceremony. You NEVER said that we would have to spend the night here.”

Billy Joe: “Now dear, don’t worry. We will iron out all the details. I just need some time to talk with my parents alone and discuss their false expectations.”

Bobby Jim: “The only false thin’ here is you….identical brother! As far as I’m con-cerned ya just came home to make a mockery of our ways. You can fool Ma and Pa, but as for me, I can see right through ya. You betrayed me once but it ain’t gonna happen agin! You don’t even deserve to stake claim to be a Possumbot-tom! I’ll see ta that!” (stalks off)

15

Crystal: “William, he sounds really bitter. What happened between you two?”

Billy Joe: “Well, he confided in me 5 years ago that he was going to leave home to seek his fortune in pork rinds. I couldn’t stand the thought of being the one to stay here and take care of the family so I snuck out the night before. I knew if he was left behind that he would do the honorable thing and stay and take care of the place. I guess he will never forgive me.”

Crystal: “Oh, William. I’m so sorry. Uh, I can’t believe I’m saying this but…maybe we could make it up to everyone by moving them to the big city to live by us.”

Bertha Jane: “Live in the Big City?! Hmmm, then I wouldn’t have to pay so much to get my internet.”

Billy Joe & Crystal (look at her quizzically): “Internet? Out here?”

Bertha Jane: “Well, mister big hot shot brother, yore not the only one makin’ some changes!”

Billy Joe: “What are you talking about? Did that phone company finally get past all those “Swamp Rats Have Feelings Too” protestors and build a cell tower in Possumbottom Holler? AND make it so it wouldn’t sink into the swamp?”

Bertha: “Oh, don’t I wish! Nope, it’s me that’s changed for the better!”

Crystal: “What could possibly have changed for the better about you? I mean…really?”

Bertha Jane (looks around then changes the way she talks): “Well, let me tell ya….”

Billy Joe: “Bertha Jane! You…you...sound different!”

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Bertha Jane: “Now, wait ‘til ya hear my story. It was along about my fifth year in third grade……..or was it my third year in fifth grade? No matter. I was walking to school one day with Hamhock….

Crystal: “Hamhock? Someone actually named one of your schoolmates, Hamhock?”

Bertha Jane: “No. Hamhock was our pet pig. Anyway, he just stopped in the middle of town and started oinkin’ up a storm. I couldn’t understand a word he was saying’ but his tail was pointin’ straight at the Farmer in the Dell store.”

Crystal: “Excuse me. You believe the pig was actually trying to talk to you? Like with words?”

Billy Joe: “Really dear. Haven’t you ever heard of Pig Latin? It was all the rage around here, but I found it very difficult to master myself.”

Bertha Jane: “It weren’t Pig Latin, it was more like Morse code….ya know, (make snorting Morse code noise.)

Crystal: “Is she still talking or does she suffer from a severe nasal condition?” (Billy Joe just shrugs his shoulders)

Bertha Jane: “Well, I thought he must have a tummy ache the way he was a car-ryin’ on, so, I went inside to see if they could give me a couple of apples to calm him down.”

Crystal: “Apples?”

Berrtha Jane: “Yup, Hamhock sure loved apples. There was a big sign in the winder sayin’ Apples sold here too. But low and behold, it wasn’t the kind of ap-ples ya eat. It was a type of computer.”

Billy Joe: “A computer store? There’s a computer store in Possumbottom Holler?”

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Bertha Jane: “Yup. I had told them about Hamhock oinkin’ and all and they con-vinced me that if I bought a computer that I could use it to find ways on how to communicate with my pig. So that’s what I did!”

Crystal: “Let me understand this…YOU got a computer… in order to communicate with your pig?”

Bertha Jane: “Yup. I saved up all my egg money and got me a computer. Ever since then, I realized I ain’t dumber than a box of rocks as I used to be. I’ve been getting’ on the internet and learnin’ stuff like crazy. I’ve been getting’ myself real smart.”

Billy Joe: “But you’re still acting like you aren’t (uses quotation marks) so smart. Now, is your acting and act?”

Bertha Jane: “Yup. I keep up the act ‘cuz of Ma. Remember that old fuzzy rac-coon Ma loved?”

Billy Joe (laughing & mimicking Pa): “Yah, the one that always used to scare Pa outta the outhouse when he just sit down to do his business?”

Bertha Jane: “Yup, that’s the one! Well, it died a ways back. Ma was heartbro-ken, ‘specially since you left us. So’s, I keep actin’ like the lights are on but no-body’s home. It makes Ma happy that she has someone to take care of.”

Crystal: “And? Nobody knows you have this computer or are (uses quotation marks) smarter?”

Bertha: “Just Hamhock knows and he totally approves. I keep the computer hid-den behind the old stack of Sears and Roebuck catalogs in the outhouse ‘cuz that’s the only place you can really be alone.”

Crystal: “So you are just using the computer for getting smarter about pigs?”

18

Bertha Jane: “Actually, I’ve become quite interested in microbiology and geology. I’ve picked up some tips that have really helped the family business along and some very interesting data relating to the topography of the surrounding region. Big changes might be happenin’ ‘round here.”

Billy Joe: “YOU are helping with the family business now?”

Crystal: “What’s the family business? No…let me guess! Making duck calls? Oh no, no..that’s a different family. Selling raccoon stew to southern franchises? How about, whittling walking sticks? Oh, I’ve got it! Moon shining!” (laughs)

(Billy Joe and Bertha Jane look uncomfortable)

Billy Joe: “Oh, great! How’d you guess?

Crystal: “Guess what?”

Billy Joe: “Moon shining.”

Crystal: “YOUR family has a moon shining business? I was just joking.”

Billy Joe: “Yes, yes. It’s true. Well, now you know it all! I wasn’t going to tell you because we’re so far removed from it and it all seems so……so……..hickish.”

Bertha Jane: “Hickish?? Big Brother, with my research we are no longer just making moon shine whisky. We have 12 fantastic micro brews and a brandy that will knock your socks off.”

Billy Joe: “Where? Not still in the still by the Still River?”

Bertha Jane: “Of course, still at the still by the Still River. We got it cleverly dis-guised in an old rusty school bus. Nobody in these parts would ever think of go-ing ‘round a school bus! BUT, we did put us a hiddin’ camera along the path to warn us if any competitors or the LAW comes sneakin’ around there. It’s a thing

19

of beauty when we dump a load into those jars and pack ‘em into the truck under a fine layer of manure for hidin’ durin’ transport.”

Crystal: “Manure?”

Billy Joe: “Yes, dear. It keeps the revenuers away and when we dump a load at each of the farmers we make double the money running 2 products at once.”

Bertha Jane: “Oh, speakin’ of dumpin’ and manure……..we’re using a code name for the still so’s any outsiders don’t catch on. It is…OUTHOUSE. So if someone says they’re goin’ to the outhouse, make sure you know which one they’re talkin’ ‘bout. We’ve had some em-bare-ass-in’ moments if you git my meanin’!”

Crystal: “And, you did mention Brandy, right? You’re making brandy? Thank goodness! When I heard this was a dry county I just couldn’t imagine being here for more than an hour! They only let us bring 2 bottles each on the plane…and those went fast when we pulled in the driveway by the rusted out washing ma-chine, proceeded across the half-collapsed bridge that’s held up by an old truck bed, then came around the corner nearly missing a herd of pigs. Do you think I could possibly have a little taste of your brandy? LIKE NOW??”

Bertha Jane (goes back to her hillbilly accent): “Well, sure. I’ll just mosie on down and gitcha a jar. Back in the flash of a lightnin’ bugs butt!” (exit like you’re leaving but turn back to pick up jug, step a little out of site and be overhearing their conversation and reacting to it.)

Billy Joe: “Well, that’s one immediate problem solved.”

Crystal: “I’d say a bigger problem to solve is that you LIED to me. You know…about your vast land holdings and valuable properties. THIS is what you were re-ferring to??”

Billy Joe: “Calm down darling. There’s nothing to worry about. I have inside in-formation that a land developer wants to buy it all up and start a Dolly World Jugs Museum here. This place will be worth a fortune. They might even want to buy some of the old junk and animals as realism props.”

20

Crystal: “That’s fine DARLING, but you happen to have two parents, a brother, and a sister that are also in line for this fortune. Besides, I doubt they’d ever be willing to sell and leave here especially if they’re doing so well with their business. Did you think about THAT?”Billy Joe (kissing her hand): “Yes, I have, my sweet. Mother and Father could eas-ily be persuaded to move to a small home closer to town if I said WE were going to take over things here. It wouldn’t be a lie! By the time they find out HOW we are taking over things, it will be too late. My sister can be put in a home some-where. Unfortunately, keeping up her little “act” all these years will have worked against her. And my brother……..well, all those dealings with moonshine could certainly get him put behind bars for the rest of his life if somebody passed some information along to the authorities.”

(Bertha Jane now leaves all upset)Crystal: “I see you have done some planning other than for a wedding. Are you SURE this will all work?”

Billy Joe: “So sure, my love that I even already made out my will leaving every-thing to you. See….even if I got hit by lightning tonight, you’d be rich. But by TO-MORROW night, you’ll have even more benefits, iffin ya know what I mean.” (lewd looks)

Crystal: “Even if something happened that we didn’t get married tomorrow I’d still inherit it all?? (looks at audience while audio plays her voice saying--No putting up with his scratching, farting, and endless whining. Then there’s this family of his. I would be mortified if they ever came to visit and my friends saw them. The biggest attraction about him was this supposed fortune. I planned to wait a year and get a discreet divorce but this opens up a whole new possibility.) Oh, but sweetums, you’re my little cuchie woochie and NOTHING must ever hap-pen to you!!”

Billy Joe (snuggling up to her while audio plays-- Maybe that will ensure she really follows through in marrying me. I can’t BELIEVE I landed a babe like her. I know she’s after my money. As if I really had any. No one will ever buy this swamp…….but she doesn’t have to know that. Once we’re married and she’s

21

around me more I just KNOW she’ll learn to love me. That’s what Ma used to al-ways say…….life is like a box of chocolates……if everybody else takes all the good ones, you learn to love what’s left.) Of course nothing bad will ever happen to ei-ther one of us! Our love is destined to outlast time, my precious pretty petty princess! Let’s go meet Bertha Jane half way on the path and enjoy some of that brandy before you meet my mother and father. (exit)

The Preacher crosses stage behind a moving tree taking notes, etc. Ma and Pa enter

Ma: “I TOLD you if we went gopher huntin’ it would be just ‘round when the youngin’s would show up! Now their car is here but they’re already off some-where else.”

Pa: “But Ma, you know I can’t carry more than two gophers by myself with my sciatica hurtin’ the way it does. And it takes at least three to make a stew for this many people.”

Ma: “Ya don’t seem to have trouble carryin’ that much weight when it’s a plate of food or yer whiskey jug.”

Pa: “But Ma, ever since I done got toleosis I’m havin’ trouble walkin’. My toes is all scrunched up in my boots somethin’ terrible. And the smell….”

Ma: “Most of the time ya don’t even wear yer boots. Every time I go lookin’ fer ya to do some chore I find ya with yer boots off and yer feet propped up on a woodpile. Yer sittin’ so still fer so long that spiders would be spinnin’ webs from one foot to the other if it twernt fer the smell.”Pa: “But Ma, I got a terrible case of kneesels and it aches all the way up to my suspenders. I need to set down a lot to ease the pain.”

Ma: “I see you easin’ yer pain almost all day long with that jug of yores. Ya prob-ably need to set down ‘cause you can’t stand UP.”

22

Pa: “But Ma, standin’ up makes it harder to hit the spittoon and I know you are happier than a pig in poop when I hit the spittoon. I’m just doin’ it fer you……”

Ma: “That’s ‘bout the ONLY thin’ you do for me. No help cookin’ or cleanin’ or choppin’ wood or milkin’ cows or fixin’ the roof or plowin’ the garden..Gittin you to work is like pushin’ a watermelon through a garden hose.”

Pa: “But Ma, that’s all women’s work and I got my pride don’t ya know. I’m the man of the house and king of this here castle! Ain’t I?”

Ma: “Some castle. The porch is fallin’ down again, that there window is still bro-ken, the hen house needs a new roof, the…”

Pa: “Now, don’t ya worry none Ma. I’ll be gettin’ right on all that as soon as I take a little nap to rest my weary bones.” (they exit)

Preacher: “Just in case you forgot who I was because I haven’t had any lines in like a half hour……..I’m the Marshall disguised as the preacher here to bring down the illegal moonshine operation that I just KNOW is somewhere in these woods. While hiding in a clump of skunk grass, and, by the way I now know WHY it’s called skunkgrass, I overheard some of this clan talking about the OUTHOUSE. My expert skills led me to the outhouse where I investigated the area. It defi-nitely is a two seater with 5 fly strips, excuse me……four fly strips (removes one from his hair), no ventilation except a couple of holes in the roof and a door that can slam shut if the wind is from the right direction. The BAD news is that the door STICKS in this closed position unless you put your head and shoulders against the back wall and push really hard with your feet on the door. The GOOD news is that this process opens the door. The BAD news is that you land on your head when the door does open with the upper part of your body dangling into one of the afore mentioned holes. More GOOD news is that they use pages from a Sears and Roebuck catalogue for toilet paper so I had something to read while dangling and trying to get out of the mess I was in. More BAD news is that the sale on slippers I got so excited reading about ended in 1972. Even WORSE news is that there was absolutely NO evidence of moonshine. And yet, I KNOW it’s around here somewhere. Even over the aroma of skunkgrass and disgusting out-

23

house smells which are now emanating from ME I can smell LICQUOR! I also smell something else in the wind…..something TASTY. Simple detective deduc-tions make me think it’s suppertime in this valley. (exits)

End of Act ONE

Act TWOOpens again with some hillbilly music. Ma, Pa and Bertha Jane are on stage.

Ma: “Bertha Jane, did you get answers from everybody ‘bout the weddin’ shower we’re gonna have later today?”

Bertha Jane: “Yup, Ma. The mail man just dropped off the store bought cake and last gift from great granny. Granny says she can’t come ‘cuz she’s got herself an-other date.”

Pa: “She’s a 101! She’s found somebody ALIVE that would take her out on a date? He must be crazy.”

Bertha Jane: “No Pa, not that kinda date. She thought the shower is next Tues-day, the 18th, and that’s the date she’s determined to come.”

Ma: “She’s gittin’ as crazy as a June bug. I remember when she was in her prime, all ‘bout 87 years old, and we lived on the mountain. Do ya know how we usta have to git messages to them down in the valley? With a mail shoot…….a big long wooden pipe that went all the way from the top to the bottom! It was slicker than snot on a glass doorknob. In fact………(Ma sings the Granny song with the band; then they exit).

Billy Joe and Crystal stagger on stage 24

Ma: “Billy Joe Bob!!” (runs to embrace him)

Pa (pats him on the back): “Good to see ya, son.”

Billy Joe: “Nice ta see ya Ma; Pa.”

(Crystal stares at him)

Billy Joe: “I mean, Mother, Father. And I guess I need to tell you that I don’t go by Billy Joe Bob anymore. It’s William Joseph Roberts.”

Pa (looking at Ma then Billy Joe): ‘Well, we ‘spected some city slicker ways would set in ya but changin’ yer whole name seems a bit much.”

Billy Joe: “It’s not really changin’, I mean, changing, my whole name…..it’s just saying the words DIFFERENTLY that’s all. I’s, I mean I am, still your beloved son who would always do the best thing for my parents.” (winks at Crystal)

Crystal: “Pardon William’s poor manners; I’m his fiancé Crystal. We just came from the OUTHOUSE.” (clearly tipsy)

Pa: “That’s a fine one ain’t it? I been meanin’ to fix that one seat but what with my Arthritis comin’ on every mornin’…..”

Billy Joe (holding up bottle): “She means the OUTHOUSE, Pa. She’s gonna be part of the clan now so I told her about our little secret.”

Crystal: “Sshhhh.” (puts finger to lips and turns to lock them. Then hiccups)

Ma: “Well, it looks like she’ll fit right in as part of the family! You all fixin’ to stay a couple weeks ain’t ya?”

Billy Joe: “Well, Ma…..I mean mother……we need to talk about that. Crystal and I were planning to leave right after the weddin’….er wedding reception.”

25

Crystal: “Honey, lambkins, you’re starting to sound like THEM. Is it like CATCH-ING? Is there anything ELSE I should worry about catching?”

Billy Joe: “Nothing is catching. It’s just easy to revert back to my old ways when I get around here. Have another drink while I talk to Ma and…my parents.” (she takes bottle, starts to pour but swigs instead and sits)

Ma: “Yer leavin’ so soon? But Billy, I mean William, we all planned vittles and music and celebratin’ to last us at least a good three days. We got a weddin’ shower for yer fiance’ planned today! You don’t want to disappoint everybody do ya?”

Pa: “Besides, son, I was hopin’ you could help me with some chores yer Ma’s been on my back about. It’s so hard for me to move around sometimes……..”

Ma: “I ‘spect you’ll be foot stompin’ and squaredancin’ as soon as the shines been passed ‘round a few times! Don’t ya make a newly married do all your chores fer ya. ‘Specially ones you been puttin’ off fer months on end. Shame on ya, Pa, shame on ya!”

Billy Joe: “I don’t mind any, Ma. I shoulda been helpin’ out all this time anyway. (regains normal speech) I mean I should pitch in where needed. But, about the time frame…….we really can’t stay long.”

Ma (looking back at Crysal who waves and takes another slug): “Is this yer idear or hers?” Billy Joe: “Well….”(looks sheepish)

Ma: “We really want to git to know her but………..”(Pa starts to finish her sen-tence)

Pa: “We’re off to a bad start if she……….”(then Ma finishes his sentence)

26

Ma: “Wants to take ya away from everythin’ yer family………”(then Pa finishes her sentence)

Pa: “Means to ya and such……..”

Before Billy Joe Bob can answer, Sadie Mae runs on stage and wraps herself around him.

Sadie Mae: “My Billy Joe Bob! Ya’ve done come back FOR me!”

(Billy Joe wards her off and Sadie continues to maul him as she waits a second be-fore saying)

Sadie Mae: “Back TO me?”

(Billy Joe still struggling to get her off)

Sadie Mae: “How about just….BACK?”

(Billy Joe Bob nods and straightens his clothes)

Crystal: “William……who IS this…….(looks her up and down with distain) person?”

Sadie Mae: “I am his true love which he done left behind when he went to the big city BUT which he will cherish the minute he comes to his senses!” (thunks Billy Joe on the back of the head) Anything? (Takes chin in hands, stares in his face & says it again) Anything?”

Crystal: “True love? Really? Are you crazy?? LOOK at you! LOOK at him!”

Billy Joe meanwhile has taken off his ascot and suit coat to expose an undershirt and suspenders just like his dad and brother. Crystal does a double-take when she turns around.

27

Sadie Mae: “Yes, I know…….a match made in heaven.” (takes his arm and a tug of war ensues with Crystal)

Pa: “Now girls, GIRLS, break it up. I need to take my afternoon nap and all this hollerin’ just won’t do. A man needs his sleep don’t ya know…..(wanders off and lays down snoring)

Preacher sneaks on and crosses behind with tree, looks around tree inconspicu-ously, takes notes, etc.

The girls are still glaring at each other; circling, etc……Ma takes Sadie Mae and scoots her off stage right when Loda rushes on stage to Billy Joe and Crystal. Sadie comes right back on stage with shovel and measuring tape. Hands Ma the shovel and goes to Billy Joe Bob and starts measuring him. Loda enters.

Loda: “Oh thank goodness. I have finally found you at last! Oh, what I have been through! Near death experiences with wild animals and a swamp and a deranged man that looks……(peers at Billy Joe) strangely, almost like you.”

Billy Joe: “Oh, that was probably my identical twin brother, Bobby Jim Bob. He’s harmless. Unless you beat him at checkers. And, there was that one time with the pig wrestling……..but I digress. We’re so happy yer, I mean you are, here.”

Crystal: “Quite. At least YOU are normal and sane and use proper English! In your own way. I’m glad you’re finally here!

Ma (whispers): “What are you doin’ Sadie Mae?”

Sadie Mae: “Oh, well, I uh, am gonna make him a special suit for his weddin’.” (goes and stands by Ma writing down measurements)

Crystal: “Loda, now that we’re all on site…..how is the wedding plans coming along?”

28

Loda: “Well……we have a few, shall I say “hitches” to your getting hitched. First, the doves that were to be released at the wedding were accidentally released on delivery. AND the locals shot them…and I believe ATE them!”

Ma and Sadie Mae: “The other white meat!”

Loda: “Secondly, the truck delivering the flowers, got bogged down in the mud, some locals came upon it and offered to help get it out. The driver took one look at them and panicked. He was last seen running down the road yelling something about a movie he once saw with lots of banjo music called Delivery or some-thing.”

Ma and Sadie Mae: “Filmed just down the road back in ’72.”

Loda: “Anyway, the truck was locked and all the flowers died when the tempera-ture got up to 100. Third, the musician’s union canceled the quartet when they found out the address. None of them were willing to ruin their shoes (looks down at her ONE remaining shoe) coming out here.”

Crystal: “So, I am ASSUMING you’ve conquered all these hurdles like any EXPERT wedding planner would under the circumstances. (looks at Billy Joe) Right, Dear?”

Billy Joe: “Ah, yes. What she said.”

Loda: “Well, of course. Yes. Absolutely……”

Bertha Jane (enters with some droopy weeds): “Hey lady….here’s them flowers you said you’d give me 5 cents each fer so’s you could replace those dead ones before yer big city lady gets here. Plenty more where they came from so it’ll cost ya.”

Crystal eyes get big and she’s starting to say something to Loda….

29

Loda: “No, no! I didn’t say REPLACE. I said I wanted the flowers in the vase! We, uh, well, we uh, can perk them up a bit and ahh, maybe spray on some color…”

Crystal: “THESE? THESE are what you propose to use at my upscale society wed-ding?? William….tell this planner that she’ll never work in New York City again. Tell her William!”

Billy Joe: “Ah, yes. What she said.”

Loda: “No…Wait. Give me a chance to make this right. I’ll make sure everything is SPECTACULAR! Your wedding will be the most elegant ever! I, I, I have a plan. (mumbles as she wanders off to the side of stage) I just don’t know what it is yet……”

Bertha Jane: “Hey lady. What about my quarter?? (follows her far stage left)

Preacher also follows walking with tree and exits.

Sadie Mae: “Iffin you’d married ME you wouldn’t have had all these problems. I’m easy.”

Pa (mumbles as he rolls over): “So I’ve heard……..”

Ma: “As long as everybody seems to be here, let’s commence with the bridal shower! Billy Joe, this is girls only so you go do somethin’ else. Shoo now! (Billy Joe leaves)

Ma: “OK now, everybody have a seat. First of all, we got us a shower game to play! (all groan). No, this is gonna be fun. I asked Billy Joe to send me a picture of hisself that we had blown up. Now, we’re gonna blindfold each of you and ya try to put a sticker on his LOVE SPOT. The person that gets the closest wins a weddin’ shower prize!”

They all have heart stickers and try for his love spot (which is HIS heart) 30

Exception is that Sadie Mae has a different sticker and she puts on his groin.Winner gets a stupid prize.

Ma: “His fiance’ should know where his love spot is. Come on Crystal, you first. Let’s give ya a little twirl. (says to audience) Like she ain’t dizzy enough already.”

Crystal puts sticker on his heart and everyone claps.

Ma: “Sadie Mae, you bein’ his ex and all…let’s see you hit his love spot.”

Sadie Mae puts sticker on groin. She takes the blindfold off, smiles, and glares at Crystal.

Ma: “Well, obviously they’ve got different versions of what a love spot is. Soooo, we’ll just move on to another game. This time Crystal and Miss weddin’ planner, you two is partners. Yer Team One. And Sadie Mae yer partnered with Bertha Jane.”

Bertha Jane: “As Team Three?”

Ma: “Bertha, honey. What number comes afta one?”

Bertha Jane: “Two.”

Ma: “Well then..what Team number would you be?”

Bertha Jane: “Duh, Two. But I’s like the number Three.”

Sadie Mae: “Do I HAFTA have her on my team? That’s as bad as having 2 left feet in a square dancin’ contest.”

Ma: “You’re not gunna hafta dance with her, yore just sittin’ there. This game is easy….don’t you worry. It’s called Mystery Sock. As a team ya gotta guess what’s in the sock. I’ll give you all a hint. Each item is USEFULL. Ok, here’s the first one.” (each team gets a sock)

31

Crystal & Loda (in unison): “It’s a backscratcher!”

Bertha & Sadie (in unison): “It’s a chicken foot!”

Crystal & Loda reacts wiping their hands, making faces etc.

Ma: “Well, that one is a tie ‘cuz we use the chicken foot AS a backscratcher. Next one.” (passes another sock)

Crystal & Loda: “This is easy……it’s a knitting needle.”

Bertha & Sadie: “No it ain’t. It’s a porcupine quill!”

Ma: “Well, Team Two got that one. It is a quill.”

Crystal: “Whatever do you use those for?”

Sadie Mae: “Pokin’ the hogs in the nose when they gets too bunched up at the feedin’ trough.”

Bertha Jane: “And you thought I only had one oar in the water!”

Ma: “Ok, here’s the last one.” (each get another sock)

Crystal & Loda: “It’s a golf ball!”

Bertha Jane: “What’s that?”

Crystal: “It’s a small hard ball you hit with a special club to get it into a hole in the ground. You want to have the least amount of swings getting the ball in the hole in order to win. Surely, you’ve heard of golf!”

Sadie Mae: “Well that’s the silliest game I ever heard of. That’ll NEVER catch on. That ain’t it though. But, we do know what IT is.”

32

Bertha & Sadie (in unison): “It’s a mule apple!”

Loda: “A WHAT??”

Sadie Mae: “A small hard ball of mule poop.”

Crystal & Loda: “Eewwww!”

Crystal: “Whatever do you use THAT for?”

Bertha Jane: “It’s a game WE play where we hit the small hard ball with a special club to git it inna hole in the ground.”

Loda: “That’s the game Crystal just described…golf!.”

Sadie Mae: “Nope ‘cuz the number of times you hit it gittin it in the hole ain’t the point. Makin’ the gopher underneath mad enough to come out is the point. Then we chase ‘im an’ whoever catches ‘im, wins. It’s a GREAT way to have fun while fetchin’ yer dinner. You can play by yerself or with others…….”

Ma (interrupting): “Now we’re goin’ to have us some cake and open presents!” (Hands cake to Crystal)

Crystal: “It says Happy Bar Mitzfah Irving!”

Ma: “Yup, when I ordered the cake, they said they had this one that nobody picked up. They gave it to me practically fer nothin’. And it even came with FREE party favors! (Hands everyone a blow whistle.)

Crystal: “What happened to the one corner?”

Ma: “Oh, the hounds got a sweet tooth. They musta snatched a bite before the flies chased them off. Here, I can take care of that problem.” (she takes a knife and cuts the corner off)

33

Crystal (screams): “Oh, my. Here, you can save this for later!”

Ma: “Good idear. Let’s open presents. This here first one is from Great Granny. She’s been workin’ all week on a weddin’ night blanket for ya.”

Crystal (unwraps the world’s ugliest knitted afghan): “It’s very……..ah………..very……… I think I’ll have another drink, please, NOW!”

Bobby Jim comes in rolling a barrel.

Crystal: “Oh good. You can just leave that whiskey right here.”

Bobby Jim: “This here barrel?”

Crystal: “Yes. That WHOLE barrel!”

Bobby Jim: “Can’t. It ain’t whiskey yet….just corn mash. And I needs it!”

Crystal: “I don’t care what stage it’s at. If there is any alcohol content whatso-ever, MY need right now has to be greater than yours!” (she goes over and latches on to the barrel)

Bobby Jim: “The only need you should be worrying about is the need to unhand my barrel. I got a deadline to meet and yore in my way. Now MOVE IT!” (contin-ues to roll barrel off stage)

Bertha Jane: “Do mine next! Do mine next! I specially made it fer ya. For yer weddin’ night! (giggles) I read that ladies like SEXY underwear to please their man on their honeymoon.” (giggles again)

Crystal (unwraps long underwear that has lace and glitter embellishments): “This is, well, this is just (downs drink)….Umm, we have an endless supply of this right?”

34

Loda: “Well, I have a gift I KNOW you’ll cherish. Remember that specialty store you registered at in New York? I got you the antique china you thought was so fabulous.”

Crystal gets excited. Loda goes to hand her the box and is tripped by Sadie Mae causing her to drop it; breaking contents.

Crystal: “Bartender! Oh, I forgot where I was. Pass the jug!”

Ma: “Didn’t you have a gift fer her, Sadie Mae?

Sadie Mae reluctantly hands it over to Crystal

Crystal: “You shouldn’t have……”

Sadie Mae: “I KNOW! This shoulda been MY weddin’ shower.”

Loda: “Now dear, I just KNOW there is someone out there for you. And when the time comes, please call me for a friends and family discount.” (gives her a business card which Sadie Mae uses to pick her teeth)

Crystal unwraps set of solo cups and looks questioningly at Sadie Mae

Sadie Mae: “Well, I figured I’d spring fer a fancy set of wine glasses since they ARE going to my intended beloved who would have come back to my lovin’ arms iffin he hadn’t been distracted by the shallow trappin’s of the big city life and…”

Ma (breaking in): “NOW for my gift. I am proud and honored to present you with the weddin’ gown that has been worn in my family now for three generations.” (displays it with a flourish)

Crystal (looks dismayed): “Oh, well, thank you but I have one of my own.”

Ma: “No, no. I insist. Ya wouldn’t want to break an old woman’s heart now, wouldya?”

35

Crystal: “Well, it doesn’t look like it will fit. What size is it?”

Ma: “It’s a 4 to 8.”

Crystal (looks at Ma funny): “Huh? The front isn’t TOO bad; we could change a few things….”

Ma: “Oh, sorry…that’s the back……THIS is the front! (turns it around showing big gap) Well, with the big rush to get married and all, we figur’d ya was like the rest of us brides……in the family way, ya know? This dress has accommodated from 4 to 8 months! No sense wearin’ something too small and bein’ uncomfortable. It’s hard to square dance when you’re suckin’ fer air!”

Crystal: “Ugh! Give me the whole dam jug!” (grabs it from Bertha Jane)

Billy Joe (comes enters and sits by Crystal): “By the looks of it, I’m assuming the shower is over?”

Crystal: “I sure hope so!”

Billy Joe (Goes to kiss her hand): “What happened to your hand? It is all scratched up and bleeding.” (Crystal pulls her hand away)

Crystal: “I was out by the OUTHOUSE earlier trying to help by stacking some wood.”

Billy Joe: “Why that is way beneath you, my sweet. In the future, let the others take care of those menial duties. Let’s go bandage it up.” (they exit)

Loda: “Mrs. Possumbottom, we really need to go over the reception menu. Now, first I was planning canapés.”

Ma: “We can’t have anything fancier than a can o peas? I know fer a fact that my son is payin’ good money fer this meal….”

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Loda: “No peas. Ok, let’s just say appetizers. Then we’ll have lobster as the en-trée. I got a real deal at only $28 a pound!”

Ma: “Is your brain addled? Iffin you want seafood we can get crayfish for 5 cents each if Skeeter down the road catches ‘em for us.”

Loda: “Caviar?”

Ma: “What’s caviar?”

Loda: “Caviar is a product made from salt-cured fish-eggs of the Sturgeon family.”

Ma: “Fish eggs! Huh! Why Pa just caught a buncha fish last night. Ya can use those fish eggs from what he gutted….”

Loda (disgusted and interrupting): “Prime rib??”

Ma: “Great idear. There’s ribs walkin’ all over that pasture in the valley. You pick whichever seems prime to you and go ahead and butcher it.”

Loda (gagging): “I think we’re done here. I’ll just check with you later about any final little details.” (exits)

Billy Joe and Crystal re-enter. Bobby Jim Bob rushes past them as he gives BJB a nasty look.

Bobby Jim: “Ma, I come to tell you, when I was in town I heard Bubba Presley talking about there’s a bad storm coming tonight.”

Ma: “Well, we better commence ta gittin’ things ready. We might have to have the weddin’ a bit earlier than we planned. It could be a real gully washer an’ we want the newly weds to be all tucked in fer the night by that time! Bobby Jim Bob, come help me git vittles ready. Bertha, you can make sure all the pots &

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pans are collected for the shivaree.” (Bertha Jane giggles again as they all, except Crystal & Billy Joe, exit the stage)

Preacher Leacher (enters stage): “Sooo, you must be the happy couple.”

(In Unison) Billy Joe : “No.” Crystal: “Yes.” (she reacts)

Preacher: “I am Preacher Leacher, the clergy who will be marrying you. (pushes Billy Joe aside to kiss the bandaged hand of Crystal. Reacts, spits, chokes. Looks her up and down and says) Don’t I WISH I were marrying you! Anyway, I’ll be at your service for your service. Have you written your vows? (says fast to Billy Joe) Are you close to your brother? Have you been here in the last five years? Do you drink a lot? Do you have strong ties to any local social organizations? Do you fre-quent the Schmithouse?”

Billy Joe: “No” (as thinking and counting fingers)

Preacher: “No? No WHAT?”

Billy Joe: “Just No.”

Preacher: “Just No. Ok, fine. If that’s the way you want to be. Let me just write that down. And you, young lady. (says faster & faster) Have you written YOUR vows? Have you ever met these people before? Do you have any investments in swamp property? Do you drink a lot? Do you know the penalties for illegal sales of home brew? Does dove taste like chicken?”

Crystal: “Yes, no, no, yes, no, I really couldn’t tell you.”

Preacher: “You mean you really can’t tell me yes, no, no, yes, no?”

Crystal: “No. I mean yes I can. And I did. I just can’t comment on the dove.”

Preacher: “Well, (looking confused) if THAT’S the way you want to play it…I’ll just write that down too. These notes are submissible in court, just so you know.”

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Billy Joe: “Court? We’re WAY past the courtin’ stage preacher. Why…..we is gittin’ hitched remember?”

Crystal: “You’re doing that THING again, William. Your language is, let me say, REVERTING to your former upbringing. Please remember that you are NOW an upstanding, highfalutin business man with has LOTS of money who doesn’t speak HICK.”

Billy Joe (upset): “Lookie here, little Miss Crystal. Yer just gonna have ta ‘sept me for who I am. If you really love me, that shouldn’t be no problem. Now, iffin you’ll excuse me, I’m goin to the OUTHOUSE for a nip……I mean a nap.” (exits)

Crystal (yelling after BJB): “Ohhh, how dare you tell me what I’ll accept or not ac-cept! Preacher, you’d better not light any candles yet.”

Preacher: “Why, because of the outhouse fumes?”

Crystal: “No……because there probably won’t BE any wedding!” (she exits)

Sadie Mae and Bobby Jim Bob enter without noticing the Preacher. The Preacher sees them coming, ducks behind a tree, listening in on them, & taking notes as he inches closer to them.

Sadie Mae: “You know, Bobby Jim Bob, the more time I spend in the OUTHOUSE with you, the more you are appealin’ to me. I’m thinkin’ yer identical twin brother can just be eliminated from my life leavin’ you and me to live happily ever after!”

Bobby Jim: “Eliminated? You mean D E D, dead?”

Sadie Mae: “Oh, uh, no. Not really dead, dead. Just removed. Yeah, removed from my life so’s you and me can live in bliss with yer ma and pa in this here par-adise.”

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Bobby Jim: “I sure do agree about my brother being eliminated. Uh, removed as ya said. Of course, so you’s and me can live without you gettin’ confused by which brother yore with. I’m surprised he hasn’t killed hisself by now.”

Sadie Mae: “What do ya mean, killed hisself?”

Bobby Jim: “Ya know he always was accident prone as a kid. In fact, he once tripped on a corn cob pile, bumped into the hog eatin’ at it which, butted him into the outhouse door so hard he bounced off as Pa was comin’ out, then got rammed by the Billy goat which flew him in to the door Pa was holdin’ open due to lettin’ the fumes escape...”

Sadie Mae: “And then what happened?”

Bobby Jim: “Doowwwn he went. Right to the very bottom. Yup, he shore had a heck of a time getting’ outta that one. Yup, alotta accidents happen ‘round an outhouse. He sure best watch hisself.” (they exit)

Preacher (comes out from behind the tree): “I better beat Billy Joe Bob to the outhouse and watch for trouble! Besides, that special I had last night at the Bet-ter Than Nothin’ Café is seeking daylight.” (exits)

Bertha Jane and Loda enter

Loda: “Bertha Jane, you have absolutely been a lifesaver! Who would have guessed I’d find a computer whiz like you out here in the woods. I NEVER would have thought to have flowers brought in by pack mule. And the orchestra coming up the river on a party raft…….pure genius! How did you EVER find a photogra-pher whose hobby was skydiving! This is going to be a first rate wedding destined to make the front page of FAB!”

Bertha Jane (regular voice): Well, I’m happy to finally use all the computer skills I’ve been hiding. Although, I do have an ulterior motive for lettin’ ya in on my lit-tle secret. Perhaps you’ll consider hiring me as your assistant? Things may be

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changing ‘round here and I definitely see myself in the Big City. I have larger aspi-rations; but it might be fun to dabble in weddin’s.”

Loda (looking dismayed then smiles): “Well of course, Dear. If you can pull to-gether something as dramatic as THIS, the sky is the limit for us in town. Ah…..I can see it now…Hotaire and Possumbottom.”

Bertha Jane: “Ya mean, Possumbottom with Hotaire!” (exit together)

Preacher (re-enters): “Well, that’s the end of the road kill roast! Now, I have no clue where the brothers went. Or where ANYONE went for that matter……(crosses stage with toilet paper dragging behind out of his pants). I guess I’ll go find some of that ice tea everyone keeps drinking. Time in the outhouse sure can make a person thirsty!” (exits)

Billy Joe (stumbles on holding his hand to his bleeding head; disheveled): “I know I’m accident prone but I could swear someone’s out to do me harm. The first time I went down to the outhouse I fell into a pit covered with pine boughs. Now, some could say it was an animal trap but that seems a bit questionable since it was just outside the door. The next time I was there, a trip cord on the path dumped a load of firewood on me that was stacked by the boiler. Good thing I have a hard head! This time I went to the outhouse, a barrel full of corn mash came rollin’ down the hill. If I hadn’t jumped aside quick enough, it could’ve killed me! I’m getting stressed! I best go back and get me one last swig of one of those micro brews to relax me a bit before I have to say my wedding vows.” (exits)

Ma and Pa enter

Pa: “Where IS everyone? With this many kin ‘round you’d think you’d be trippin’ over somebody every minute!”

Ma: “Well, if you hadn’t been sleepin’ all day you’d know more awhat’s goin’ on.Now, here’s the scoop, Bertha Jean…”

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Pa: “Uhh, ain’t it Bertha Jane?”

Ma: “Bertha Jean, Bertha Jane. Never you no mind. You can call her anythin’…’cept late fer dinner. Anyway, her an’ that weddin’ lady went down by the river to fetch some organic straw players, er something like that. Bobby Jim Bob ‘n Sadie Mae were makin’ goo goo eyes at each other out by the shed. The preacher was last seen drinkin’ ice tea and chasin’ the goat tryin’ to get it to wear his hat.”

Pa: “We ain’t got no ice tea, Ma.”

Ma: “Well, that explains why he was a chasin’ the goat. Anyway, Billy Joe Bob was headed to the outhouse and that Crystal woman was pacin’ ‘round their car muttering to herself somethin’ ‘bout what to wear at a funeral. Ya’d sure think she’d be worrin’ ‘bout what to wear at her own weddin’. Anyway, you’d be knowin’ all this if ya weren’t sleepin’ all the time.”

Big lightning, thunder sounds, and flickering lights.

Ma: “Dag nab it! I KNEW we shoulda had the ceremony earlier. We’re in fer a lightnin’ storm now! We better git everyone together so’s we can git these youn-gin’s hitched NOW.”

Billy Joe Bob comes staggering on stage all sooty, hair on end, smoke coming off his clothes.

Ma and Pa (together): “What happened son??”

Billy Joe: “The OUTHOUSE…….the white lightnin’…….”

Ma: “Oh no! The still exploded??”

Billy Joe: “No…..ME! Got hit by real lightnin’…..TV antenna…”

Pa: “There ain’t no TV in there. Ain’t no TV’s anywhere ‘round here.”42

Billy Joe: “BIG antenna……..lotsa lightnin’………(begins singing Swing Low Sweet Chariot; chokes and dies a dramatic death)

Ma: “Oh no, my beloved Billy Joe Bob has crossed over, passed away, departed this veil of tears.” (Pa looks confused) DEAD as a door nail!”

Pa: “Oh, this can’t be good! What motherly instinct tells you this, Ma?”

Ma: “Instinct?? What are you talkin’ ‘bout? He looks like a par boiled ham. Be-sides that he was a seein’ the angels acomin’ fer him. He even mistook the holy rod of righteousness that one angel was a carryin’ for a TV antenna. He knows we ain’t got no TV.!”

Pa: “But what ‘bout the still? Do ya think it’s ok?”

Ma: “Dunno. But, that outhouse has been through decades of lightnin’ storms and never been hit. I’ma wonderin’ ‘bout what I’ve been overhearin’ lately. It seems enough people have been havin’ issues with my poor boy. THAT someone mighta set him up so it looks like he had an accident. In fact, the more I’m thinkin’ on it, somebody mighta put somethin’ on the roof as a lightnin’ rod. Who could’ve done this dastardly deed? (looks at audience) Who, who??”

Pa: “Well, then, iffin he’s dead…let’s go and find our mournin’ clothes, Ma. And while we’re at it, might as well get us some dessert vittles. Sugar always helps me calm down durin’ times of grief……..”

End of Act TWO

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Act THREEPreacher: “I’ve called you all here together, not only to have a moment of silence for the dearly departed, (bows his head for a second) but to determine WHO killed him. After all, I’m not the milk toast preacher you all thought I was (flashes his badge). I am the FAMOUS Marshall Marshall Federal Marshall. I think I have determined that Billy Joe Bob wasn’t accidently hit by lightning but that a light-ning rod, alias antennae, was purposely put on top of the outhouse in order to kill him.

Sadie Mae: “Murder? As in kilt on purpose?”

Bobby Jim Bob (says sarcastically): “Purposely kilt Billy Joe Bob? Why oh why, would anyone want to do that?”

Crystal: “Yes, I can’t imagine that anyone here would want to hurt my poor, poor cootchie woochie.”

Preacher (looking at them quizzically): “As I was saying, we need to get to the bottom of this murder. The worst part about solving a crime in around these

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parts is that everyone has the same DNA. (looks at audience) Get it? Hillbillies, family, kin…all the DNA is the same……….”

Loda: “And, from what I’ve seen, there’s no dental records either.”

Preacher: “Exactly! So, I took it upon myself to follow the smoke cloud and dis-covered the REAL OUTHOUSE you all keep talking about AND I discovered some-thing else. A camera hidden on what I thought was a game trail. A camera that showed me EXACTLY who has been to the OUTHOUSE lately. (slide shows Billy Joe Bob again) No, not that one! (Slide shows Crystal by still applying lipstick) (Says fast) Miss Vase…..when was that taken? What were you doing there? Did you have anything to gain by Billy Joe Bob’s death? Is that your real hair color? What brand of lipstick is that?”

Crystal: It’s Vaase, not vase. Yesterday, out walking, his whole inheritance, obvi-ously not, Revlon.”

Preacher: “Aha! Revlon? Really? I was sure it was Loreal. Anyway…..YOU are a prime suspect! And, what about YOU Bobby Jim Bob? (Slide shows him standing there picking his nose) (Says fast) Did you hate your identical twin? Do you want to sell the farm and move to town? Were you aware his fiance’ would get his in-heritance? Where were you at the time of your brother’s death? Why are your pants so short?”

Bobby Jim: “Yes I hated him…..he ruined my life! No! I don’t want to move to town. In these parts, family is in line fer inheritin’ before fiancés! (sticks tongue out at Crystal) But, I was with my new true love, Sadie Mae. AND…do you really think my pants are too short?”

Preacher: “And speaking of YOU (turns to Sadie Mae)…..who was spurned by the victim…I suppose you’ll use HIM (turning back to Bobby Jim) as your alibi too!

Sadie Mae: “Who me? A suspect? Bobby Jim Bob is not just an alibi. He’s my NEW destined true love.”

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Preacher: “Well, that doesn’t surprise me but you BOTH are still suspects until further notice!”

Loda: “Mr. Marshall. Mr. Marshall (pulling on his sleeve). May I have a moment with you please? (they step forward) The wedding I have so greatly created is now cancelled I assume? Since the proposed groom is, shall we say, permanently unavailable? Making my big career opportunity, shall we say, slide down the out-house hole. So…I have…”

Preacher: “Hush up, woman! I have important detecting to do. I don’t have time to stand around and chat with you about your career in cake layers and disc jock-eys!”

Loda: “Well, if you’re going to yell at me I suppose you don’t need any help in solving your murder.”

Preacher: “Aha, so you also think someone murdered this Billy Jack Joe Jim Bob?”

Loda: “Well, it’s just that I may have some information pertaining to something. Something bad. Maybe something REALLY bad that looks like it could be murder…..”

Preacher: “Well, spit it out woman! This is the third act and these people haven’t had a drink since the last intermission. They’re getting restless!”

Loda: “Well, when Bertha Jane and I were going down to the river to meet the orchestra, she said she needed a minute to run to the outhouse. I thought she meant THE outhouse (mimes going) so I went on without her. The strangest thing was, though, that she had what looked like an automobile radio antennae hidden behind her back. Now, me being from the big city and all, I don’t think a radio antennae will get her any reception for her computer while in the out-house.”

Preacher: “Computer? What would a country bumpkin like her be doing with a computer? In the outhouse, no less!”

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Loda: “She’s not really the person everyone THINKS she is.”

Preacher: “Now, who would fake being s l o w?”

Sadie Mae (impatiently walks up to them): “Did I hear you say somethin’ ‘bout fakin’ bein’ slow? Because being in the outhouse for a long time can really hap-pen to a person ya know. Why my Uncle Fecal Schmitthouse would sometimes be in there for hours.”

Preacher: “Was he constipated?”

Sadie Mae: “No, I think he was Baptist. Anyway, I think he was fakin’ bein’ slow ‘cuz he was a lookin’ at those National Geographic books he would find in the Clampet’s trash. They had all kinds of pictures of naked natives, ya know.”

Preacher: “Okie dokie, then, let’s move on! Bertha Jean Possumbottom! Come on down! (she bounces out clapping her hands) I know that you two bricks short of a load so this may be a really silly question. (talking really slow) Were you re-sponsible for your brother’s death?”

Bertha Jane: “Where’d ya git an idear like that?”

Preacher: “Hot Air here sold you out.”

Bertha gives Loda stabbing looks.

Loda: “I just gave the Marshall some little information that um, might’ve sug-gested that you had an antennae and maybe put it somewhere it didn’t belong.”

Preacher (talking slow): “So, were you responsible for Billy Joe Bob’s death?”

Bertha Jane (talking slow to him): “You don’t need to talk so slow, Mr. Marshall (changes to her regular voice) I have done been educated and am no longer a few

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sandwiches short of a picnic. Now, the answer to your question is…I am responsi-ble. I fried my brother!”

Ma: “But why would ya do such a thin’, Bertha Joan?”

Pa: “It’s Bertha Jane, Ma.”

Ma: “Whatever!”

Bertha Jane: “I found some toilet paper on one of the seats in the outhouse.”

Everyone looks disgusted.Bertha Jane: “No, it wasn’t used. There was a “get rid of ma and pa plan” writ-ten on it which was writtin’ in Billy Joe Bob’s handwrittin’. Afta readin’ it, well, it was evident that he wanted to eventually get Bobby Jim Bob and me out of the picture, stick ya’ll in some doublewide in town, and get his hands on this here property.”

Ma: “My Billy Joe Bob?”

Bobby Jim: “That’s just downright genius! Why didn’t I think of that?”

Pa: “Doublewide? Town?”

Bertha Jane: “I’ve been doing research for years on the geology of this region and was hopin’ to buy up the surroundin’ acreage with my egg money. There’s OIL underground here. Lots of oil.”

Sadie Mae: “Oil? (looking at Bobby Jim) Is that why we slid all the way down to the bottom of the hill when we’s out behind the shed doin’ the…”(stops when she see’s everyone questioning her)

Bertha Jane: “Anyway, I thought numerous accidents would scare Billy Joe Bob off and he’d go back to the Big City. Then, I could use a fake LLC company to buy out Ma and Pa and we’d all be rich.”

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Crystal: “You wanted the money just for your (gesturing in quotation marks) MA and PA? What kind of daughter are you?”

Bobby Jim: “A smart one!”

Bertha Jane: “Thank ya, Bobby Jim! Anyway, when he didn’t leave, I thought if the OUTHOUSE got hit by lightnin’ and we were put out of business for awhile then some other family would git a monopoly on the whiskey. Then he wouldn’t see any reason to git rid of Ma and Pa since the business went belly up.”

Sadie Mae: “Hey, I knows all ’bout belly up…(everyone glaring at her again) Uh…never no mind.”

Preacher: “Go on, Bertha Jane.”

Bertha: “Well, I knew Billy Joe Bob would NOT want to stay ‘round here iffin’ there wasn’t any money to make. The Big City was his life now. I was hopin’ he’d give up his inheritance when he thought the land was worthless. His plan to get rid of us all, so him and that city woman could have it all just made me plum an-gry!”

Preacher: “So you lured your brother to his death!”

Bertha Jane: “No. He just happened to go to the OUTHOUSE to have one last nip of the ol’ brew before he had to tie the knot…I just didn’t know that the lightnin’ storm would move in so fast…AND that he would be in it when it when up in smoke. Oops!”

Preacher: “Well, also up in smoke, little missy, is your plan to amass a fortune. Oh yes, I did a background check on you! I found about that Doctorate in Chemi-cal Geology that you got on line. Now, instead of being ON LINE you’re going to be IN LINE….like the chow line at the state prison. Time to take you away.”

Ma and Pa start crying, Bobby Jim Bob and Sadie Mae look sad.

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Bertha Jane: “But you don’t understand! It was all to take care of Ma and Pa in their declining years. AND, for a select few vacation homes in perhaps the Greek Islands, the Italian Riviera, and the Shores of Malibu. (reverting back to her spe-cial voice) Don’t worry everybody. I’m known ‘round these parts fer bein’ unique. Nobody can prove I ain’t. And they won’t put much trust on the word of these strangers.”

Preacher: “ Aha! You didn’t count on me having the finest, most updated, high tech AND expensive, voice recorder that my measly paycheck can buy!” I have been recording this whole conversation and now I have your motive AND murder confession.” (Preacher leads her out)

Ma: “But she did it for us! It was an accident! Pa, do somethin’.”

Pa: “What’s that, Ma?”

Ma: “Well, you’d certainly know iffin’ ya’d wear yore hearin’ aid, weren’t always a drinkin’, and nappin’ and headin’ to the outhouse.”

Bobby Jim: “Ma, iffin’ we all stick together as a family, no jury’s gonna give her much time. She’ll be back in two shakes of a lamb’s tail don’t ya know! Then we’ll have us a fine ol’ party!”

Ma: “Well, yore right ‘bout that. Bertha Jean will probably be back by plantin’ time.”

Pa: “I’s don’t have time to do any plantin’ right now, Ma. Bertha Jean is headin’ to the Big House. I gotta do somethin’!”

Ma: “Oh, will ya put inyer hearin’ aid! Come on. We gotta say goodbye to our Bertha Jo.” (Pa throws his hands up as they exit)

Crystal: “Hey, what about me? Well, good thing I brought my little black dress. Oh wait, that won’t be good enough for a funeral. I will need something much

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more elegant. Sounds like a shopping trip for me! Wait up! Oh what am I doing going with them? I’ll go this way.”

Bobby Jim: “Well, Sadie Mae, we got us a still to repair. Don’t matter yet if there is oil under us. The community relies on the Possumbottoms to deliver the finest adult beverages in this here holler.”

Sadie Mae: “And so we will, my sweet overalled distiller. And so we will!” (they exit)

Loda (looking around): “So, am I stuck here? What about MY destiny? Where am I to go? What am I to do? I know……I shall write comedy mystery dinner the-atre plays for a living! You’ll be hearing from me this time next year. In the meanwhile, I have a 20 piece all male orchestra to get back up river on the party barge. Prost! Life is good!” (exits to hillbilly music……….fades…….)

The END

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