· Web viewWe believe educators can benefit from appreciating that some of what children...

New Paradigm Training Institute

When I’m Angry, I…

In each of our courses, we expect the following three outcomes for participants: To become clearer and more confident about the information To become better equipped with effective and appropriate skills that

promote emotional and relational health To become more aware of when, where and how to apply concepts and skills

Specifically in this course, we expect to help participants: become clearer and more confident regarding the three major styles of

conflict resolution become more aware of personal values, beliefs around and experiences with

anger become more aware of ways anger can be outwardly expressed be prepared and intentional by using specific steps to respond effectively to

anger

“Begin with the End in Mind”Stephen Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People encourages people to be highly self-aware and intentional. He recommends that people “begin with the end in mind” as a way to be more assured of healthy and positive outcomes because their goals are predetermined and intentionally achieved.

Assuming we can agree that anger can be considered to be a signal and a potential tool that can empower, energize and motivate and can be managed in effective ways that promote emotional and relational health, in this session we will invite you to consider some of the skills people might want to embrace when experiencing anger. You may also consider what might make it challenging to achieve desired goals.

The Three Major Styles of Conflict ResolutionAccording to Dadds, Atkinson, Turner, Blums and Lendich, there are three major styles of conflict resolution:

Attacking: being verbally and/or physically threatening, abusive, angry and often sarcastic

Avoiding: withdrawing, avoiding, becoming cool or cold and distant

©2007 New Paradigm Training Institute; A Program of Lakeside Education Network ~ 800-804-0971 ~Website: www.lakesidednet.com. All rights reserved. May not be copied without written permission. 1

2

5

2

http://www.lakesidednet.com/


Addressing: by discussing and negotiating: includes attempts to appreciate other person’s perspectives, needs, feelings, use of reasoning tactics, willingness to compromise, remain respectful, resolve fairly

In their article from the Journal of Family Issues, Volume 27 (2006), "Exposure to Inter-Parental Conflict and Psychological Disorder among Young Adults," the authors considered how these three styles of dealing with conflict impacted children in situations outside the family and later in life.

We believe educators can benefit from appreciating that some of what children experience at home can impact how they are behaving in responding in school. This can be especially true around anger and conflict in the home.

Educators are invited to consider some of the conclusions made by these authors and how they relate to children's behaviors in school.

The resolution style of parents predicted the largest amount of variations in adolescents’ responses to marital conflict. The most extreme negative impact was noted when fathers used the attacking style. In general when either or both parents used the attacking style, children showed the poorest emotional adjustments.

When parents used the discussing, negotiating, willingness-to-compromise style that addresses anger in a healthier way, children were not only the best adjusted of the three groups, (i.e., those exposed to each of the three major styles) they were more likely to show high levels of social competence when interacting with their peers.

What Educators (and also Parents and Caregivers) Need to KnowEducators can benefit from appreciating the powerful impact inter-adult episodes of anger and conflict can have on children even when the children are not directly involved.

Sometimes educators become aware that a student’s home life involves serious and perhaps chronic anger episodes between parents for which children, especially young children, often feel responsible. This can affect students’ abilities to focus in the classroom, to respond in healthy ways to the anger of others, and to not automatically believe that they are the cause of other people’s anger, just as they seem to believe when they observe their parents’ anger towards each other.




In order to proactively address children’s natural tendency to blame themselves for their parents’ or caregivers’ conflict, adults involved in these children's lives can benefit from appreciating that children need and deserve to be directly told that parental conflicts, and any conflicts between adults, are not the fault or responsibility of children. Of course because children are inherently egocentric, the younger the child, the less able he or she will be to accept this absolution.

Discovering Personal Beliefs about AngerSometimes it can be helpful to provide opportunities for students and for oneself to explore personal beliefs about anger. This can make the study of anger are meaningful and real.

Cautionary Notes for EducatorsAny time educators design and conduct exercises that encourage students to explore personal beliefs, values and experiences around something as sensitive as anger, it is critical to establish clear ways for students to be self protective. There are so many people who have had traumatic experiences related to anger, especially childhood experiences, and an invitation to do personal exploration can put such people at risk for feeling forced to remember and even re-experience those toxic and sometimes traumatizing events. Educators need to be mindful that any exercise they conduct around the subject of anger should have an educational purpose rather than a therapeutic one.

Some Critical "Never’s"Anytime educators conduct an exercise involving a personal survey need to take responsibility for not embarrassing, coercing or in any way pressuring students to participate if questions are too painful for them or if they would prefer not to have others here their responses. Therefore:

Educators should never force students to participate in personal survey questions.

Educators should never disclose responses students have made privately to personal survey questions.

Educators should never force students to publicly disclose their responses to personal survey questions.


20



It also is critical for educators to understand that at no time should they instruct students to close their eyes and remember a negative experience involving anger because the act of closing one's eyes and remembering can be its own traumatic event. Educators can invite students to close their eyes and should include "or keep them open if you prefer" in order to ensure that no one’s emotional safety is compromised.

Setting up Personal Survey ExercisesIn order to create a climate of safety when conducting personal survey question exercises, educators can begin by inviting students in the survey to relate to the questions personally or to think of somebody they know and apply the questions to that person. In that way, they are given the option of removing themselves from personal exploration yet can still benefit from the process of applying the questions to the subject of understanding anger.

Educators can share with students the importance of honoring each person's right to personal protection when conducting any kind of personal surveying exercise, explaining that sometimes people have past histories they are entitled to conceal from others. Educators can firmly state that other students are asked not to pressure peers to disclose personal experiences, values or beliefs about anger.

If educators suspect one or more students might have a history of trauma or abuse connected to some aspect of anger, they may choose ways other than personal surveys to invite students to explore their understanding of anger.

Educators who have never had serious negative experiences around anger might think these admonishments are extreme and excessive. Educators who have had serious negative experiences around anger most likely will find these admonishments resonate with their own experiences and needs for privacy and protection.

Directions for Presenter: After presenting the preceding information, the trainer passes out the “Becoming Clearer about My Anger” Personal Survey handout. The presenter invites participants to make a mental note or to put an “X” next to the questions they know they will not want to discuss personally in their small groups then presenter reads each question aloud. After reading the questions, the presenter invites students to form dyads and take turns sharing their responses to the questions they’ve chosen.




At the end of the process, the presenter invites participants to personally reflect on their experience, including the benefits of this kind of survey, and ways they might predict using it with students as well as ways they might want to protect students.

Personal Survey Questions: Becoming Clearer about My Anger

Directions: Students are invited to participate in the following survey by quickly

responding to and completing sentences first mentally. Students then share their responses with their partners or others in their small group

Students may choose to respond to these questions at a personal level or may respond as they think about someone they know and how he or she might respond to each question

Students can choose to pass on any question without needing to explain their reasons for passing

With some statements or questions, students may wish to modify the statement or question to better reflect their personal viewpoints.

When students have finished the survey they can reflect on what they now understand more clearly about anger, how they personally have experienced it, some values and beliefs they have around it and some of the things they now know they would like to do to be healthier when experiencing, expressing and responding to anger.

1. “For me anger is...”

2. “What sometimes troubles me about my anger...”

3. “What sometimes troubles me about someone else's anger...”

4. “The first thing I usually do when I feel angry is... “

5. “I feel positive about my anger because...”

6. “The people closest to me in life feel ____________ when they know I am angry.”

7. “I am not comfortable being angry...”

8. “I am most comfortable being angry….”

9. “I think a lot of my anger comes from...”




10. “When someone is angry at me I...”

11. “When I think of someone close to me being angry with me I... “

12. “When I think of someone who is an authority in my life being angry with me I…”

13. “When I think of someone over whom I have authority being angry with me I…”

14. “I believe anger can be helpful because….”

15. “I believe anger can be hurtful because….”

16. “Something I wish I could change about my anger is...”

17. “Something I want to keep the same about my anger is...”

18. “Angry people...”

19. “When I feel angry I don't want to...”

20. “When I feel angry I want to...”

21. “My anger has the power to...”

22. “When I think about how well I can manage or control my anger I know...”

23. “When I think about whether or not my anger controls me I...”

24. “What comes to mind when I think about others around me expressing anger...”

25. “When I observe angry confrontations between other people I usually...”

26. “The more I learn about anger the more I...”

27. “If I could change one thing about my anger it would be...”

28. “In order to change that one thing about my anger I must first...”

29. “As a result of participating in this survey I now am clearer…”

30. “As a result of participating in the survey I still wish….”




Reading Behavioral Clues and Cues of AngerIt can be helpful for educators and students to consider the degree to which they are tuned into behavioral clues and cues of their own anger and the anger of others. By being aware of these clues and cues of anger they can need better prepared to think about what might be happening and why and how they might best manage or respond to that anger.

How do we know when we are getting angry? Some people feel tingly. Some people report that they feel like the "little hairs on the back of their necks start to stand up." Some people feel themselves tense up all over. These can be experienced personally and others may not be aware of this internal process of the first stirrings of anger.

When we are getting angry and when we observe others becoming angry there are outward expressions one might tune in to. Some people clench their jaws and/or clench their fists. Some scowl by pursing their lips, narrowing their eyes and glaring. Some people move towards the person or object of their anger. Others might throw up their hands, roll their eyes and turn away, as if in disbelief or denial. Some may begin to speak very rapidly while others may begin to speak very slowly and deliberately. Some they raise their voices to a higher level and others may lower their voice tone.

Some people are highly intuitive about anger beginning to erupt in another person, sometimes sensing it even before that person is aware he or she is becoming angry. Others may be much less tuned in and even oblivious to another person's more obvious outward evidences of becoming angry. It may not be several seconds or minutes before it occurs to them that the other person is feeling angry towards them or for some other reason.

The more educators can encourage students to consider the signals that anger is beginning, both in themselves and in others, the better equipped they can be to engage themselves in intentional processes of managing that anger in healthy ways.


10



Visual Anger Exercise [hand out 1 page of sticky dots per person]: present or conduct the following exercise that is included in the Study Guides:

Red Dots Exercise to Show AngerEducators can use the following Red Dots exercise to playfully invite students to think about the many places anger can be experienced.

Directions: The teacher invites students to form a circle where each student is facing outward. The teacher gives each student a sheet of small, self-adhesive red dots. He or she invites each student to think of where on his or her body he or she experiences anger and to place a red dot wherever that frequently occurs. After allowing students a few minutes to place their dots strategically on themselves, the teacher invites everyone to turn around and notice how many different places people can experience anger.

The teacher can invite students to comment on any observations they might make about themselves or others when it comes to where on the body anger can be experienced.

"ACEing" an Anger EpisodeWe encourage educators to become familiar with the simple acronym “ACE” to remind them the importance of being prepared and intentional when responding to anger, whether it is their own or someone else’s. By intentionally “ACEing” a situation (i.e. “Assessing, Choosing and Executing” that choice - a quick process repeated over and over until the emotional aspect of anger has been greatly lessened and those involved are ready to more calmly address their needs, issues, feelings, concerns and/or perspectives) educators can be confident they are approaching anger in ways that promote and preserve emotional and relational health.

As educators then present this concept to others, such as to students, they can be confident they are also helping them to be better equipped to approach anger in ways that will promote and preserve emotional and relational health and will promote healthier outward behaviors.

By proactively strategizing specific ways to assess an angry situation, educators and later others to whom educators present this concept can become better equipped with a quick mental checklist that will help them make healthier and more appropriate choices as to how to respond and then execute that response.


2



Three-Part Small Group Recognition and Generation Exercise:Directions: Before moving into descriptions of each aspect of "ACE", the presenter divides the class into three smaller groups and explains that each group will be invited to apply the information to a situation assigned to that small group.

The first process is describing the “A” of “ACE”, taking 15 minutes to present the concept and 15 minutes for small group discussion and having each group report back. The second process is describing the “C” of “ACE”, taking ten minutes to present the concept and ten minutes for small group discussion and having each group report back. The third process is discussing the “E” of “ACE”, taking ten minutes to present the concept and having ten minutes for small group discussion and having each group report back.

The presenter then gives each small group its assigned situation. After the presenter provides the information about each aspect of "ACE", each small group discusses specific ways to apply the information in the situation assigned to them. Each small group will then report to the larger group some of their conclusions. Trainer will first ask participants for comments or observations about each process of this exercise and request that no one share any personal information that someone else shared within their small group discussion.

The “A” of “ACE” As a Response to Anger Is “Assessment": Developing an Assessment GridAs educators become clearer about their own issues with anger and effective ways to become more in charge of and clearer about when, why and how they respond to anger, we suggest they develop a personal grid of questions that will lead them to the choices that can allow them to make healthy decisions. In turn they can use this grid when helping others develop their own assessment process when responding to anger.

How someone assesses an angry situation becomes the determinant of how he or she responds to the situation.

As you Access, keep in mind that the focus can be: when I am the angry person when someone’s anger is directed toward me when I am angry at someone and he or she is also angry at me when I am supporting someone who is experiencing anger that is not

directed at me


15

2



When You Are the Person Who is AngryThe following questions can serve as a guideline for developing a personal assessment grid.

Questions to Rapidly Ask Yourself When You Are the Person Who is Angry What might be the underlying cause(s) of my anger?

Some details of your thought processes could include any of the following:

Remember that anger can be thought of as both a symptom and a signal. The possible or probable underlying causes of the anger are really the heart of situation. The feelings and behaviors of anger are signals that something, often a distorted thought, is triggering those sensations.

You can ask yourself: What are the objective facts of the situation? What about the situation seems unfair, dangerous, confusing, unexpected, unacceptable, disrespectful or irresponsible? What trigger thoughts am I having? What do I believe is true about myself, the other person, the situation?

What do I want to be certain I do and do not do? Some details of your thought processes could include any of the following:

I want to remain clear that almost always if I just take the time to relax, regroup, focus, allow myself to gain clarity, I can bring myself back to being in charge. On the rare occasion that I cannot achieve this clarity fast enough, I have the option of leaving, either physically or mentally.

I do not have to permit an “amygdala hijacking” to occur in my brain. I can be in charge of my brain and what happens because I can recognize and then use these symptomatic feelings.

I want to be sure I am in my cortex. I want to stay calm so I can think rationally.

I do not want to damage another person’s emotional health or our relationship.

I want to walk away from this knowing I kept my cool and preserved my personal integrity. I do not want to have to deal with a lot of fallout because I let this anger control me.




What am I needing? How reasonable are my needs? Some details of your thought processes could include any of the following:

Often by assessing needs, I can get clearer about the situation.

I can differentiate between legitimate needs that I deserve to have met and those things that are more wants, not really necessary, but desired.

If my needs are real and reasonable and are not being met, I may need to get clearer and more specific not only about what they are and why they are legitimate, but how they can adequately be met. If it turns out they are unreasonable or unfair, then I need to reassess the whole situation and let go of my anger because I have realized I am being unreasonable.

What am I expecting? On what am I basing those expectations? Some details of your thought processes could include any of the following:

Anger, which is linked to expectations, is often about disappointment.

What specifically did I believe should or should not have happened and on what did I base those beliefs? How possible is it that I over-estimated someone’s abilities?

Am I ascribing motives because I think I know what others can and cannot do and now that somehow they are not doing as well as I expected, am I assuming they have hidden agendas to hurt or disrespect me?

What might be a fairer set of expectations based on solid approaches to understanding people, especially if my anger is directed toward a child?

Where is my power? Some details of your thought processes could include any of the following:

There are some things within my power here and some that are not. I only need to address those things over which I have power.

I have the power to think clearly about my choices and how to best execute the one I choose.




I have the power to engage my creative self as I manage my anger. I have the power to seek other resources if I cannot come up with a variety of options.

In general I have the choice of taking one of three basic approaches to my anger and the first two are not healthy: I can attack, avoid or address my anger. I have the power to consciously choose to address it in healthy, fair ways.

I have the power to be in charge of my breathing and level of relaxation.

I have the power to behave in a calm, respectful way.

Where don’t I have power? Some details of your thought processes could include any of the following:

Just as I have some power in some areas, there are things over which I have little or no power.

I cannot force someone else to agree with me, to see and appreciate my perspective.

There are some things that once done cannot be undone (you can’t turn burnt toast back into bread no matter what you do.) Some things are just done deals, facts and realities. Getting upset about these serves no purpose.

I need to refocus on what I can do and move away from putting energy into what I cannot do.

What are my responsibilities? Some details of your thought processes could include any of the following:

What have I agreed to do?

What is fair that I be held accountable for doing or not doing?

Why am I accepting this responsibility? If it is not my responsibility then I do not need to put a lot of energy into it other than perhaps to understand the dynamics of the situation and help out, if that seems appropriate.




More possible areas to assess: If you have the time to assess at an even deeper level you can take a long, slow look at your behavior as it relates to your level of emotional health and then as it relates to your relational health.

How emotionally healthy am I right now?

What do I need to address to protect and increase my emotional health?

How healthy is this relationship right now? What is contributing to preserving or building that health or what might be damaging it?

What is my internal language like? What are the frames I am placing around facts? How evaluative, critical, blaming is my internal language? How descriptive is it? How global and/or absolute is it or how specific and more tentative is it? How many dimensions am I considering? How can I increase the dimensions on which I consider things? What are the healthier, more accurate frames I can put on the situation and its participants.

You can explore where you are morally, relationally, socially, physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. You can think through each of these dimensions for yourself and then for each person involved in the situation. By the time you do this you are probably extremely clear about the choices you have and how you might execute each.

Additional Questions to Rapidly Ask Yourself When Dealing With Anger Directed At a ChildIn addition to asking the questions in the previous section, we recommend you incorporate information about the nature of children to enhance and clarify your assessment process. These include asking yourself:

What aspects of normal childhood development and typical behaviors might be contributing to the situation?Some details of your thought processes could include any of the following:

To what extent is what I am angry about this child’s control because it has to do with his or her age and stage, that he or she is working on a developmental task, that something about his or her uniqueness is contributing in some way, such as a temperamental trait or learning style,




how mature he or she is or the situational factors that he or she is experiencing?

How might appreciating this child’s needs, growth and maturity with regard to his or her moral, relational, spiritual, physical, intellectual, emotional or social aspects help me more fully understand the dynamics of the situation?

To what extent is this child’s lack of judgment, high degrees of impulsivity and/or egocentricity contributing to the dynamics of this situation?

What do I want to intentionally model to this child as I manage my angry feelings?Some details of your thought processes could include any of the following:

What might be the messages I could transmit if I react without appreciating the nature and normal developmental aspects of this child?

What messages do I want to transmit about being an effective, caring educator who can manage anger in healthy ways?

What do I need to do to allow myself to be a nurturing and empowering adult using an authoritative style rather than a rigid, authoritarian style, an overly permissive style or a disengaged/neglectful style?

When Anger is Directed Toward YouAnother situation you can experience is when someone comes at you in anger. Again you can “ACE” the situation by quickly making an assessment that will lead you to the choices you have and ways to execute those choices.

First and foremost ask yourself, is there is any danger (actual or potential) that I could be hurt by this person?Some details of your thought processes could include any of the following:

How sane and rational does this person appear to be? Are they making any threatening gestures or statements? What is my intuition telling me about how much I might be in danger?

How well do I know this person? Some details of your thought processes could include any of the following:




The more I know someone, the more I can accurately assess and predict his or her behavior. If I have had previous situations involving anger I may be able to better understand what is happening here.

If I have a close relationship, there might be some historical issues that are contributing to the anger.

There is some degree of trust and trustworthiness between us, some degree of safety, caring, connection. How are any of these contributing to the specific dynamics of this situation?

The closer my relationship, the more I probably can assess his or her overall self-esteem, communication styles, needs and how well they are typically met, values, goals, wishes, perspectives and perceptions of life.

The closer my relationship, the clearer I might be with regard to his or her trigger thoughts and core beliefs that can contribute to how he or she is feeling right now.

To what extent does what this person is angry about seem legitimate? Some details of your thought processes could include any of the following:

What about what he or she is saying might I agree with?

Are there things I have done that were mistakes, oversights, miscommunications, deserving of someone’s anger, frustration or disappointment?

To what extent does this anger seem inappropriate, perhaps displaced? To what extent am I being the scapegoat, blamed, unfairly accused?

Which of the original questions might help me assess this situation? Educators can refer to the original list of questions on previous pages.

We encourage educators to consider what feels most helpful for creating their own personal Assessment Grids that they can mentally call up to help them formulate a clear and accurate assessment of a situation.




Educators can use their questions to help them with their assessment. They only need to use those questions they decide are appropriate to a specific situation.

“A” of “ACE” Small Group Exercise plus each group reports backDirections: Trainer explains that each small group will take approximately 6 minutes to discuss specific ways to apply the information in the situation their group was assigned. The group will reconvene to report back their conclusions. Trainer will first ask participants for comments or observations about this process of the exercise and request that no one share any personal information that someone else shared within their small group discussion.

15 minute Break Here!!

The “C” of “ACE” - ChoiceThe second part of creating and applying a strategic, planned anger response, the “C” of “ACE”, is to consider the various categories of Choices people have once they have made an Assessment of a situation.

The Mechanics of “Choice”There are several ways to approach and apply “Choice” when “ACEing” a situation.

These include: Determining which of the four possible situations is involved Considering the various categories of choices under the particular situation Using the Choice categories to create a specific plan Executing the plan Assessing how well the Execution is going Which may lead to making more Choices, and so on

Recognizing Four Possible Anger SituationsJust as we did when considering the various questions people might have on their own Personal Assessment Grid, we can consider Choices as they relate to:

Making choices when I am the angry person Making choices when I am the target of someone’s anger Making choices when both I and the other person are angry with each other

(i.e. a conflict situation)


10

15



Making choices when I am supporting someone who is experiencing anger that is not directed toward me

The Broad Set of Categories of ChoicesFor each of the four situations we are investigating, there are some general Choices a person can use to help him or her make healthy decisions.

For each Choice there are one or more ways to effectively Execute the Choice or Choices.

These Choices will vary based on the dynamics of the situation, who the players are, their history and relationship, what the philosophy and desired outcomes are, as well as the responses to the other Assessment questions the person has asked himself or herself.

Making Choices When I am the Angry Person: A Selection of OptionsThe following information describes several options with regard to the possible Choices a person who is experiencing anger can use.

Educators are invited to consider which of these Choices appeal to them and perhaps will create some of their own.

Choices for the Initial Sensation of Anger: The Stabilizing ACEFor every situation involving anger there is the initial sensation of becoming angry. This can occur as a gradual build-up of emotions or as a sudden flare or some gradation between these two endpoints of the continuum.

Feelings of anger are often visceral: a person’s anger can occur before he or she even consciously realizes it has begun to happen. There can be a moment in time when the visceral sensations alert the person that he or she is feeling angry. It is not just a thought (although it was most likely triggered by one or more thoughts), it is an experience.

Brain-wise, this may be an amygdala hijacking in which the person instantaneously is operating from the limbic area of the brain, without the input or permission of the cortex. The minute a person thinks, “I wonder if I am having an amygdala hijacking?” at least some part of the cortex is kicking in, just to be able to ask the question.




Feelings of anger are often somatic: the body frames the anger and the person feels anger in one or more body parts. Some people know they are angry because their head begins to pound, they realize their hands are in tight fists, their heart is beating much faster, their ears feel hot, their stomach clenches, and so on.

Initial twinges or surges or anything in-between can serve as signals for the first of probably many “ACEings.”

The Choices When In Personal Danger ZoneA person can decide he or she is in or near a Personal Danger Zone if when Assessing the situation the person believes he or she is in danger of losing control, becoming enraged, feels at all capable of doing any sort of harm, including physical, emotional and/or relational.

At this point the only healthy choices are: End your side of the conversation Walk away, leave the room, move away from the person or situation Refuse to continue discussing whatever aspect of the topic is leading down

the out-of-control path Insist on stopping State firmly that you will deal with the situation at a later time Refuse to be goaded into continuing

If a young child is involved, do whatever is needed to create safety before finding a way to exit, doing so robotically if necessary.

Once in a neutral environment, the person can Assess what just happened and consider the Choices that now exist for whatever appears to be a healthy next step.

Some Choices For Times When A Person Has Decided To Leave The Situation Include:

Assess trigger thoughts, possible distortions, degrees of anger being felt at the moment, how he or she wants to apply and engage predetermined goals, values, beliefs and personal philosophy in this situation

Choose to apply relaxation techniques around breathing, apply previously determined cues for visualizing being in control, maintaining composure, toning down distortions.




The person can then Choose from among options such as:

Decide not to continue in the situation, to permanently leave, refuse to have any more contact or interaction

Decide to concede, give in, acquiesce from a position of strength and new understanding: whatever was at issue no longer matters, is really trivial given the big picture, is not worth all the effort to sort and negotiate

Decide to re-engage in the discussion only if there is a mediator present and/or clarification of ground rules, expectations, goals, methods of approaching the problem around which anger is being experienced

Write down in clear, non-blaming or otherwise distorted language as many aspects of the assessment and ground rules, expectations, goals, recommended methods of approaching the problem around which anger is being experienced, statements of needs, feelings, values, what he or she believes might be the other person’s needs, feelings, values, concerns, wishes, expectations, goals

If it is impossible to physically exit, a person can choose to mentally escape, to set up an internal boundary that involves either outwardly stating an unwillingness to participate in a conversation or to mentally stop participating by becoming silent or very passive, non-committal, distant, vague without being openly disrespectful, passive aggressive or projective aggressive.

The person can decide to deal with issues in a later process that will be safer and healthier, either alone or with a trusted friend or colleague.

After the Initial Stabilizing ACEing, The Broad Set of Categories of Choices When I am the Angry PersonWhen the situation is “I am the angry person,” there are a variety of Choices from which the person can select one or more responses. These include:

Exiting, physically or mentally, if my Assessment is that I am in a Danger Zone

Using a pre-established mantra or cue to help maintain or return to a calmer state

Methodically collecting factual data about the situation




Deciding to Assess and reassess the possible causes of anger, possible trigger thoughts and distortions, the reasons for the situation to exist, any aspect of it that might bring greater clarity and deeper understanding

Taking time to empathize, to consider the needs, feelings and perspectives of others

Deciding if and how I might vent my anger (described in more detail below) Using I-messages to let others involved know my perspectives, feelings,

needs, values, concerns, requests Using internal I-messages to gain further perspectives, become clearer and

more in touch with my feelings, needs, values, concerns, expectations Determining necessary outcomes to achieve adequate resolution Deciding which of the following is the most reasonable and appropriate:

Let go, concede, change my mind, give in from a position of strength Take charge, assert my authority, set limits, assume role of

disciplinarian Shift to problem exploration processes

Systematically reviewing and evaluating the process to ensure integrity is being preserved

Acknowledging culpability, my part in the problem, my mistakes, misinterpretations, unfair or unreasonable expectations

Reassuring anyone (especially children) of unconditional love that overrides any feelings of anger

Asking for forgiveness Offering forgiveness or exoneration Processing the overall process with all involved in it

Making an Intentional Choice: To Vent or Not to VentFrom an intentional position of strength and self-control based on intentional Assessment, people experiencing anger can decide if and to what extent to express or vent that or other related emotions.

They can simultaneously monitor this part of the process, appreciating that it may be helpful to spend a little while venting until there has been a sufficient degree of the relief and release associated with venting.

They can decide if they can vent with their angry expressions directed toward the target of their anger, or they can choose to vent alone or they can choose to find




someone who can serve as a facilitator and guide so they can safely express their feelings.

They can be aware that healthy venting eventually leads to calmer thinking so they can consciously permit themselves to emote as a part of a healthy process that will lead them to a calmer state. Even as they are venting they can know there is a goal of eventually gaining a better understanding of the situation and becoming creative about responding in healthy and constructive ways to it, to move from feeling to thinking, from the limbic system to the cortex.

The Broad Set of Categories of Choices: When I am the Target of Someone’s AngerWhen someone is the target of another person’s anger, the first Assessment is critical because it will determine which set of Choices a person is dealing with.

If I do not know the person and therefore do not know if he or she is potentially dangerous or volatile, my Choice has to be to proceed with extreme caution, to have an exit plan in place, to continuously repeat my Assessments until I become clearer and more comfortable with regard to how safe I am to proceed with any of the other Choices.

If I know the person and he or she tends to be unreasonable, argumentative, attacking or in any way dangerous, my list of Choices is similar:

Exit If that is not an option, be conciliatory, contrite, submissive Respond with respectful statements of acceptance and appreciation, even

agreement to de-escalate the tension Mentally make a plan for retreating Do whatever I can to avoid a confrontation If a confrontation becomes inevitable, do whatever I have to do to survive

If I Assess that I am reasonably certain I am not in danger, the list of Choices expands [Note: the goals are to diffuse emotionality and engage cortex]:

Listen respectfully, acknowledge whatever points make sense, and agree with whatever seems reasonable. “I understand you are furious with me for




not calling you sooner. As a result you ended up having to drive for an extra hour. That was not fair to you.”

Apologize for any part of the person’s anger I decide is reasonable. “I am sorry I was so thoughtless. You have every right to be so angry with me.”

Provide explanations without making excuses. “I got caught up in the project at work and lost track of the time.”

Offer to make whatever amends would be appropriate. “At the very least I will pay you for the gas and tolls. I also will do…for you to pay you back for some of your aggravation.”

Assertively set limits: If person is overstepping bounds, calmly and firmly confront his or her process of speaking with me. If possible, use whatever authority I have to enforce rules around respect. “I understand you are very angry with me however you may not speak to me in a disrespectful way. We will only have this conversation if you change your attitude right now.” Use broken record technique if necessary.

If I know the person fairly well and am confident he or she knows anything I say is from a caring heart, I can use Confrontational Logic: I can speak with a passion that matches the level of emotion the angry person is using while I use logic to confront his or her reasons or approach. “You know me better than that! How can you think I would do something like this on purpose?” Challenge distortions, even using sarcasm. “What, you think I purposely wanted to mess up your whole day and make you furious with me?”

[Note: because I am also emoting there is the risk of this approach escalating the tensions, however sometimes it is a good way to reach the person where he or she is and because of the trust in the relationship, he or she may be able to hear and respond to the shared level of passion being expressed. Once that occurs, I can move to another choice that encourages a calmer dialogue.]

Affirm his or her right to confront, appreciate his or her willingness to share feelings and needs. “I appreciate that you are letting me know how upset you are about this. I would not have known if you didn’t tell me. Thank you for being so honest with me.”

Encourage, invite a process involving problem exploration by stating my desire to discuss this in more detail and what I am willing to do consider




ways to prevent this from occurring in the future. “I would like to explore this in more detail as soon as we both feel ready to consider different things we each could do so it does not happen again. I want you to know you can trust me to remember to communicate with you if there are any changes in our plans.”

As the person makes whatever Choices seem most appropriate, he or she can Execute those Choices and then Assess the effectiveness of them. When Assessments are reasonably accurate and the Choices appropriate, the Execution should help achieve the goals and ensure a successful and emotionally healthy outcome.

The Broad Set of Categories of Choices: When I am Angry with Someone Who is Angry With MeWhen two people are simultaneously angry with each other we call it a confrontation.

Confrontations can be more or less destructive or healthy.

When making the Assessment, the other person and I need to make the Choice of adhering to ground rules that will ensure safety and promote a constructive process.

There are some basic ground rules that must be adhered to by both of us throughout the process. These include:

no one verbally or physically attacks the other person, no one is aggressive each person agrees to respect the opinions and perspectives of the other

person each person agrees to allow the other person an opportunity to speak each person agrees to listen carefully and to appreciate the other person’s

values, needs, feelings, beliefs if at any point the conversation becomes hostile, both agree to stop the

process until the ground rules can be respected if necessary and one or both people believe it will be helpful, a third person

both agree can be fair will be asked to mediate the process

Once the ground rules are established, I can move back and forth with the Choices that I have for times when I am angry and times when I am the target of anger.




When two children are angry with each other and one or both have broken the ground rules, adults can insist that the children sit in the same room apart from each other and they can only get up when each has given the other permission to do so. In this way, each one has all the power and none of the power at the same time. It is only when they realize they need to work together to generate a fair resolution that they can both get up [Source: Kids Are Worth It, Coloroso]. Adults can assist children by insisting the ground rules be maintained.

The Broad Set of Categories of Choices: When I Am Supporting Someone Who Is Experiencing Anger That Is Not Directed Toward Me

Optional Discussion/Brainstorm Question: “What might be some of the choices educators would encourage their students to consider when they are supporting friends who are experiencing anger that is not directed towards them?” Educators can then refer students to the list in the Study Guide of suggestions.

When a person is in the position of facilitating, mentoring and coaching someone who is experiencing anger not directed at him or her, there are a wide range of Choices to consider along with related Assessment questions. For our purposes here, only a few will be listed.

Some Choices when facilitating, mentoring and coaching someone: Mentally begin to sort facts from opinions Listen for feelings, concerns, needs, values, beliefs, expectations, messages,

goals and any of the myriad of other categories of processing Consider the emotional health, how self-aware, confident, empathetic,

mature the person is Consider the degree of relational health between the people involved, how

much fairness, trust, trustworthiness, communication and commitment that exists

Decide the potential benefits of verbalizing each of these observations, what the potential impact of each might be

Affirm successes, abilities, intentions, potentials and any of the other 12 ways to affirm

Explore and even confront the person with any inaccuracies, prejudices, unfairnesses, unhealthy trigger thoughts, distortions

Methodically explore options Helping the person determine his or her goals, intentions, willingness to

forgive, let go, negotiate, apologize




Teach the person about his or her anger, his or her Choices, even the whole ACEing process

Invite the person to role play ways to apply information and principles

By becoming clearer about the many Choices that exist when there is an anger situation, by being about to use Assessment to help determine which Choice or Choices are most appropriated, educators, parents and caregivers are more likely to have healthy, constructive outcomes that maintain and promote emotional and relational health throughout the process.

“C” of “ACE” Small Group Exercise plus each group reports backDirections: Trainer explains that each small group will take approximately 5 minutes to discuss specific ways to apply the information in the situation their group was assigned. The group will reconvene to report back their conclusions. Trainer will first ask participants for comments or observations about this process of the exercise and request that no one share any personal information that someone else shared within their small group discussion.

The “E” of “ACE” – Execute (or Engage or Employ)By becoming more aware of the processes involved in effectively Executing Choices (or “Engaging” or “Employing”), educators have more opportunities to respond to and express their anger in healthy, constructive ways.

The Choice Often Dictates the Execution of that ChoiceIn many situations, the Choice dictates the action or the form the Execution that follows takes: if the Choice is to exit, then the way that Choice is Executed is that the person literally or mentally leaves. If the Choice is to transmit an I-message then the way that Choice is Executed is by crafting a clear, accurate I-message.

Some Basic Assessments, Choices and ExecutionsUsing The Anger Control Workbook and The Anger Management Sourcebook we can incorporate some of the basic concepts presented in them into an ACEing process.

By becoming more aware of Trigger Thoughts and underlying distortions and incorrect, exaggerated or biased beliefs on an Assessment, we can make Choices around creating healthier and more accurate coping thoughts.

We can Execute those thoughts by accessing them and replacing inaccurate and unhealthy thoughts and beliefs with these newer, healthier thoughts. As


10

10



a result of Executing these thoughts, we impact our feelings and how our brain functions.

We can Choose and then Execute relaxation techniques. We can consider and then Employ healthy and appropriate coping behaviors.

We can Choose to focus on creative approaches by using problem solving techniques.

We can determine and take healthy escape routes away from danger, physical or emotional.

We can promote our self-confidence.

We can seek new explanations beyond our initial explanations.

We can find ways to see more of the picture.

We can appreciate that others have their values, beliefs, intentions, abilities, maturity levels.

We can learn to express our needs in non-attacking ways.

We can soften inflammatory language.

We can lower our voices, be intentionally peaceful and non-threatening in our body language.

We can listen to and respect the other person’s opinions and perspectives.

We can agree to disagree.

We can use factual, descriptive language to tell our story.

We can decide to review and analyze the process, considering before hand what we are going to do, to stay focused and clear during and to credit and assess so we can reinforce what we did well and consider what might be healthier and more effective the next time.




The Importance of Effective, Appropriate, Intentional and Clear CommunicationBecause much of what can make an angry situation resolve involves the various messages transmitted between people, being able to be highly intentional and clear about what constitutes effective and appropriate communication is key to Executing Choices that will infuse health into the process.

Healthy communication involves being aware of the power of language, the importance and impact of more descriptive, specific and tentative language.

A skilled communicator is fluid in listening and affirming, in sending I-messages, knowing when and how to apply boundaries and disciplining, he or she can teach, share and creatively explore problems.

There are many forms of communication that tend to be toxic and destructive or at the very least inhibit the flow of clear and meaningful interchanges, such as:

Threatening Criticizing Overpowering and directing Shaming, condemning Discounting Labeling, name-calling Mocking, teasing Interrogating Ascribing motives

Using The Broad Set of Categories of Choices to Guide Execution When I am the Angry PersonWhen the situation is “I am the angry person,” there are a variety of ways to Execute the Choices from which the person has selected one or more responses. These include:

Exiting, physically or mentally, if my Assessment is that I am in a Danger Zone

Using a pre-established mantra or cue to help maintain or return to a calmer state. Repeating over and over until feeling more in control “I am very angry and will handle this responsibly.”

Methodically collecting factual data about the situation. This might include writing down the facts.




Deciding to Assess and reassess the possible causes of anger, possible trigger thoughts and distortions, the reasons for the situation to exist, any aspect of it that might bring greater clarity and deeper understanding. This might include revisiting the Anger Tree and picking out which roots apply.

Taking time to empathize, to consider the needs, feelings and perspectives of others. This might involve carefully thinking about what it might be like to be that other person right now.

Deciding if and how I might vent my anger. I might decide I need to take a long walk or a shower or ride my bike.

Using I-messages to let others involved know my perspectives, feelings, needs, values, concerns, requests. I might frame a statement using the facts, my feelings and a fair request formula.

Using internal I-messages to gain further perspectives, become clearer and more in touch with my feelings, needs, values, concerns, expectations. I might write down each of these.

Determining necessary outcomes to achieve adequate resolution: I might brainstorm a list.

Deciding which of the following is the most reasonable and appropriate: I might take the brainstormed list and prioritize and eliminate those that probably will not work.

Let go, concede, change my mind, and give in from a position of strength: I might make an intellectual decision to forgive, knowing it may take time for the emotional state of forgiveness to occur.

Take charge, assert my authority, set limits, assume role of disciplinarian. I might say, “This is what you need to do now…” “The rule is…and you are going to follow it or privileges will be suspended until we work this out.”

Shift to problem exploration processes. “We are going to sit down and discuss why this happened, why it is a process and what needs to happen now so things are corrected.”

Systematically reviewing and evaluating the process to ensure integrity is being preserved. Look at the goals and personal philosophy of anger and compare them to the ideas on the table so far.

Acknowledging culpability, my part in the problem, my mistakes, and misinterpretations, unfair or unreasonable expectations. State in specific terms whatever part or parts of the situation I need to take responsibility for.

Reassuring anyone (especially children) of unconditional love that overrides any feelings of anger. “Even though I am feeling angry because I am so disappointed about…just remember that I will always love you, no matter what.”




Asking for forgiveness:” I would like to ask for your forgiveness for the part of this I did wrong.”

Offering forgiveness or exoneration: ”I think you had some legitimate reasons for doing what you did. You weren’t trying to hurt me. I forgive you and think we can work this out between us.”

Processing the overall process with all involved in it. This might involve sitting down and methodically examining each step and assessing how well each person’s emotional health was preserved and how well the health of the relationship was preserved.

Using The Broad Set of Categories of Choices to Guide Execution: When I am the Target of Someone’s AngerWhen someone is the target of another person’s anger and the Assessing and Choosing phases of ACE have occurred, the Execution of those Choices involves being intentional and true to the spirit of those Choices and the goals behind the whole process.

If I know the person and he or she tends to be unreasonable, argumentative, attacking or in any way dangerous, and I have Chosen one or more of the following, unless it is obvious, some possible ways of Executing are included:

Exit: I Execute this by physically or emotionally leaving If that is not an option, be conciliatory, contrite, and submissive: I may say

things like, “You are right and I am wrong.” “Whatever you say.” Respond with respectful statements of acceptance and appreciation, even

agreement to de-escalate the tension, so I may say, “You have the right to feel that way.” In terms of body language, I might lower my eyes, bow my head, and let my arms hang by my side, let my shoulders drop.

Mentally make a plan for retreating: I might mentally take myself step by step through the words I can use and the ways I can position my body to retreat. “I am going to have to leave now because someone is waiting for me. If I do not come down to the car in the next minute or so I know he or she will be calling me or even the police.”

Do whatever I can to avoid a confrontation: I might change the subject, tell a joke, start to cry – whatever might disrupt the direction the conversation is going in

If a confrontation becomes inevitable, do whatever I have to do to win: I might pull out my cell phone and dial 911, I might say I will or have pushed a panic button and the police are on the way, I may let my dog in the room and hold him back as if he could get vicious.




If I Assess that I am reasonably certain I am not in danger, the list of Choices and ways to Execute each expands with the overriding the goals continue to be to diffuse emotionality and engage cortex:

Listen respectfully, acknowledge whatever points make sense, and agree with whatever seems reasonable. I might say, “I understand you are furious with me for not calling you sooner. As a result you ended up having to drive for an extra hour. That was not fair to you.”

Apologize for any part of the person’s anger I decide is reasonable. I might say, “I am sorry I was so thoughtless. You have every right to be so angry with me.”

Provide explanations without making excuses. “I got caught up in the project at work and lost track of the time.”

Offer to make whatever amends would be appropriate. “At the very least I will pay you for the gas and tolls. I also will do…for you to pay you back for some of your aggravation.”

Assertively set limits: If person is overstepping bounds, calmly and firmly confront his or her process of speaking with me. If possible, use whatever authority I have to enforce rules around respect. “I understand you are very angry with me however you may not speak to me in a disrespectful way. We will only have this conversation if you change your attitude right now.” Use broken record technique if necessary.

If I know the person fairly well and am confident he or she knows anything I say is from a caring heart, I can use Confrontational Logic: I can speak with a passion that matches the level of emotion the angry person is using while I use logic to confront his or her reasons or approach. “You know me better than that! How can you think I would do something like this on purpose?”

Challenge distortions, even using sarcasm. “What, you think I purposely wanted to mess up your whole day and make you furious with me?” [Note: because I am also emoting there is the risk of this approach escalating the tensions, however sometimes it is a good way to reach the person where he or she is and because of the trust in the relationship, he or she may be able to hear and respond to the shared level of passion being expressed. Once that occurs, I can move to another choice that encourages a calmer dialogue.]




Affirm his or her right to confront, appreciate his or her willingness to share feelings and needs. “I appreciate that you are letting me know how upset you are about this. I would not have known if you didn’t tell me. Thank you for being so honest with me.”

Encourage, invite a process involving problem exploration by stating my desire to discuss this in more detail and what I am willing to do consider ways to prevent this from occurring in the future. “I would like to explore this in more detail as soon as we both feel ready to consider different things we each could do so it does not happen again. I want you to know you can trust me to remember to communicate with you if there are any changes in our plans.”

As the person makes whatever Choices seem most appropriate, he or she can Execute those Choices and then Assess the effectiveness of them. When Assessments are reasonably accurate and the Choices appropriate, the Execution should help achieve the goals and ensure a successful and emotionally healthy outcome.

Using The Broad Set of Categories of Choices to Guide Execution: When I am Angry with Someone and He or She is Simultaneously Angry At MeWhen two people are simultaneously angry with each other we call it a confrontation. Confrontations can be more or less destructive or healthy.

When making the Assessment, the other person and I need to make the Choice of adhering to ground rules that will ensure safety and promote a constructive process.

To Execute the idea of having some basic ground rules, I could propose any or all of the following rules, I might write them down, I might invite the person to contribute some of his or her own. The goal is that they must be adhered to by both of us throughout the process. These might include:

no one verbally or physically attacks the other person, no one is aggressive each person agrees to respect the opinions and perspectives of the other

person each person agrees to allow the other person an opportunity to speak each person agrees to listen carefully and to appreciate the other person’s

values, needs, feelings, beliefs




if at any point the conversation becomes hostile, both agree to stop the process until the ground rules can be respected

if necessary and one or both people believe it will be helpful, a third person both agree can be fair will be asked to mediate the process

Once the ground rules are established, I can move back and forth with the Assessments, Choices and ways of Executing that I have for times when I am angry and times when I am the target of anger.

Using The Broad Set of Categories of Choices to Guide Execution: When I Am Supporting Someone Who Is Experiencing Anger That Is Not Directed Toward MeWhen a person is in the position of facilitating, mentoring and coaching someone who is experiencing anger not directed at him or her, there are a wide range of Assessment questions, Choices and ways to Execute those Choices.

Executing the Choices when facilitating, mentoring and coaching someone:

Mentally begin to sort facts from opinions: I might explain the importance of facts as a starting place for Assessing and sorting; I might write down the person’s responses as he or she speaks.

Listen for feelings, concerns, needs, values, beliefs, expectations, messages, goals and any of the myriad of other categories of processing.

Consider the emotional health, how self-aware, confident, empathetic, mature the person is: I might describe my opinions and on what they are based.

Consider the degree of relational health between the people involved, how much fairness, trust, trustworthiness, communication and commitment that exists: I might describe my opinions and on what they are based.

Affirm successes, abilities, intentions, potentials and any of the other 12 ways to affirm: I might state some of the positives I have observed.

Explore and even confront the person with any inaccuracies, prejudices, unfairnesses, unhealthy trigger thoughts, distortions: I might state what in my opinion may need to be modified, reframed, revised, expanded or eliminated.




Methodically explore options: I might sit down and formally write out the options that would address the underlying problem, issue or cause of the anger.

Help the person determine his or her goals, intentions, willingness to forgive, let go, negotiate, and apologize: I might invite the person to more formally address each of these categories and write down his or her responses.

Teach the person about his or her anger, his or her Choices, even the whole ACEing process: I might share some of my materials from this series and/or from other sources that could provide added insights and information the person could apply to this situation.

Invite the person to role play ways to apply information and principles: I might offer to play the part of the antagonist and allow the person to practice or even just sort out what the dynamics of the situation seem to be.

“E” of “ACE” Small Group Exercise plus each group reports backDirections: Trainer explains that each small group will take approximately 5 minutes to discuss specific ways to apply the information in the situation their group was assigned. The group will reconvene to report back their conclusions. Trainer will first ask participants for comments or observations about this process of the exercise and request that no one share any personal information that someone else shared within their small group discussion.

By becoming clearer about the many Choices that exist when there is an anger situation, by being about to use Assessment to help determine which Choice or Choices are most appropriated, educators, parents and caregivers are more likely to have healthy, constructive outcomes that maintain and promote emotional and relational health throughout the process.

The First “ACE” When people are knowledgeable about anger and have their own philosophy and personal strategy in place, the moment they realize they are feeling the sensations and/or thoughts associated with anger, they can intentionally chose to access, activate and apply their philosophies and strategies.


5

10



If overcome with sudden emotion that involves spontaneous emoting, they still are capable of rapidly realizing what is happening and can quickly recover in order to use the anger as a signal and springboard for a more thoughtful and deliberate process.

Typically this will involve a quick “ACE” in which they begin with an Assessment: “Is this more an annoyance which I know will blow over in a few seconds or minutes after I roll my eyes or shake my head or am I further down the continuum of anger that requires me to activate my strategies so I stay in charge?”

If this is more about real anger, they can Choose to respond by making sure they are avoiding or minimizing an amygdala hijacking and are intentionally functioning from their cortex.

They Execute this choice with whatever technique helps them to focus so they are thinking and are in charge or themselves, not just feeling angry and reacting in an unconscious way in which trigger thoughts, distortions and unhealthy beliefs can fuel an unhealthy fire (or for those who find the term “Execute” conjures up negative images, the word “Employ” can be substituted, as in “employing” or putting that choice to work or “Engage” meaning to begin an application process).

Repeating ACEThey then begin a process of repeating “ACE”: Assessing, Choosing and Executing over and over until they are satisfied that they have fully worked through the process to a successful or acceptable conclusion (and “successful” and “acceptable” will have different definitions for different situations and for different people).

When Is Repeated ACEing Over?An educator using the ACE approach to an anger situation can decide he or she has completed the process when there has been some resolution or conclusion, when at least the person and hopefully anyone else involved has either been appeased or calmed to a point of letting go and being clear about ways to move on that no longer include being angry.

Sometimes this means all involved come to a mutually acceptable agreement.


5



Sometimes there may even be changes of heart, acknowledgments of new awareness and perspectives, new understandings.

Sometimes someone concedes, acknowledges a mistake has been made, makes an offer to make restitution or may ask for forgiveness.

Sometimes everyone decides to or at least agrees to table any discussion until a later time when participants have had a chance to think the issues through.

Once the feelings of anger have genuinely subsided (as opposed to moving into a less healthy form such as passive, passive-aggressive or projective aggressive forms of communication), people involved in an anger episode can return to more spontaneous conversation or can simply move on with their lives. They no longer need to be intentionally processing via the ACE approach.

Summary: "ACEing" as a Means of Incorporating Core Principles of Effective Anger ManagementEducators have the opportunity to include, integrate and apply the many concepts, principles, skills and approaches we have offered in this course into ACEing situations involving anger.

Educators have the opportunity to continue to refine, broaden and deepen their abilities to be more and more clear, intentional and effective in promoting emotional and relational health with regard to responding to anger.

The more educators work to enhance and enrich their knowledge and skill bases, the more they practice putting good theory into practice, the more they process and assess, seek and receive supervision and support, the more likely it is that each can become not only a Student of Anger but a “Specialist.”

ACEing Helps to Intentionally Preserve Personal Integrity Throughout the ProcessBecause people using ACE systematically move into a predetermined process that involves a series of steps, it is easier and more likely that each person’s personal philosophies and goals will be preserved. People who use ACEing as a response to anger can predict the process might take several minutes, hours, even days to complete.

In addition to preserving philosophies, achieving the broader goals of maintaining emotional and relational health for all concerned and to do no harm, people using


1

3



ACE can also expect that in most cases the process will lead to some sort of resolution, some ending that provides closure, that allows them and others to regroup, move on, let go, heal, learn and grow.

Three key goals to keep in mind: Maintain physical and emotional safety of all involved Promote calm, clear thinking Reduce or eliminate unhealthy raging

SummaryIn today’s session, we considered the three major styles of conflict resolution and how each might impact children and adults, we looked at some personal beliefs about anger using a sample “Personal Survey Questionnaire” and discussed when and how such a survey might be useful for educators, students, parents and caregivers and some cautionary notes associated with using any potentially sensitive materials or exercises. We talked about the value in reading behavioral clues and cues of anger, noting that anger can be experienced and expressed on different areas of the body. We used the concept of “ACEing” anger, meaning to systematically Assess, and Choose and Execute whatever healthy choice a person makes noting that this process can help incorporate core principles of effective anger management and intentional preservation of personal integrity. Educators are highly encouraged to continue to raise their awarenesses, understanding and abilities to apply principles and practices that promote healthy anger management processes.

“Think About” HomeworkWe encourage educators to assume the role as a “Student of Anger,” using real-life experiences and observations to provide you with opportunities to apply concepts, principles and skills and to provide you with opportunities to assess your applications in terms of if and how they contribute to emotional and relational health as well as to employ ways to effectively manage outward behaviors.

Specifically you can consider ways to apply the information on each topic covered either directly or indirectly and/or to present one or more to other adults or students.

The three general styles of expressing anger: attacking, avoiding or addressing real issues in emotionally and relationally healthy ways

Which of the Personal Survey Questions were helpful to you and why




How were you aware of the outward expression of anger, for yourself and for others

Way you can apply the skill of “ACE” as a response to anger, you're in and others



· Web viewWe believe educators can benefit from appreciating that some of what children...

Documents

Transcript of · Web viewWe believe educators can benefit from appreciating that some of what children...