We Dont Wanna

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We Dont Wanna

Drew Adams

1We Dont Wanna

Drew Adams

February 25, 2012 (Version 3)

Cast

Cipriani- 30s

Adrian- 20s

Bollock- late 40s

Crooked Cop- overweight 30s

(A casino, roulette table, next to a bar.)

Adrian

(hands money to the dealer)

Three hundred bucks in chips.. uh.. give it to me in fifties...

Cipriani

(like a mobster, Italian stereo type.)

Hey man you got it..

Adrian

(fumbling around looking for a place to stick his chips)

Ok.... hmmm.. uh..

Cipriani

Only outside bets..

Adrian

(fumbling around looking for a place to stick his chips)

Right, right... only outside bets.. lets see um nope nope not red...

Cipriani

(a little annoyed with Adrian)

Oy...

Adrian

(putting all of his chips on red.)

Okay... right there.


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Cipriani

(sticks the thingy that stops people from

grabbing at chips down on the table.)

Ok, good good last call...last call

Adrian

(starts to reach over at his chips.)

Cipriani

(Sprays Adrian with water from a spray

bottle)

No.. no..bad dog sit...

Adrian

(slumps in his stool)

Cipriani

(Roulette wheel stops spinning lands on

red)

Adrian

(Does a dorky little victory dance)

Yes! Woo! Yeah oh yea! OH YEA!!! YEA!! RED!! YEA!! CHEDDA!!!

(Reaches out to get his chips)

Cipriani

(Quickly takes the chips away,

and deposits them.)

Adrian

What the hell what are you doing.

Cipriani

My job.

Adrian

What the hell are you talking about? Arent you going to pay me?

Cipriani

We dont wanna.

Adrian

(imitating Cipriani)

You dont wanna?

Cipriani

We donta havta and we dont wanna.


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Adrian

But I won right.

Cipriani

Well sure technically, but you donta posses that... you know that

winnin quality..

AdrianWha...What what are you talking about? Where is my money?

Cipriani

(Expressive Italian gestures.)

You know you aint got that special badabing, you haven't got that

badabing.

Adrian

(Angrily.)

What the hell is the badabing!? Huh what are you even... you owe methree hundred dollars!

Cirpiani

(Angrily in Itallian)

Ehi, non hai che budda bing non posso fare nulla.

Adrian

I dont speak Italian...

Cirpriani

Maybe if you did, you might have that badda bing..

Adrian

Ok ok ok, lets take this slow...

Cipriani

Okay funny boy.....ok come on I dare yous you call me slow one more

time! I punch you in the head okay...

Adrian

Oh yea... okay lets just take this from the top... lets explain this

to your nimble little mind so you know exactly what is wrong here Iput down exactly 300 dollars on red...

Cipriani

Okay.

Adrian

Then it came up Red.


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Cipriani

Yep. Yea Red.

Adrian

Now you should pay six hundred dollars.

Cipriani

We dont wanna. You aint got the badda bing!

Adrian

What are you on drugs...

Cipriani

Hey Bollock.

Bollock(an old Brooklyn

type eating a meatball sub)

Yea.

Cipriani

This guy aint got the badda bing!

Bollock

(Spews crums

everywhere from

his meatball sub)

Hahaha!

Adrian

Is there like a manager... I can talk to..

Cipriani

What-day-ya think this is some kind of a chuckie cheese...

Adrian

You dont have a manager.

Cipriani

I mean you can talk to the pit boss okay. I mean hes.

Adrian

Okay let me talk to the pit boss.

Cipriani


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Hey Bollock

Bollock

(Sitting at the bar, coughing)

Cipriani

The guy without the badda bing.he wanna talks to you.

Bollock

(slowly walks over to the roulette table)

Whatsda matta? Huh...

Adrian

What kind of a casino are you running here that doesnt pay out...

when somone wins?

Bollock

A very profitable one.

Adrian

God damn it..

Cipriani

Hey man what you gotta against god?

Bollock

What is god not good enough for you.. Do you always get mad at god

just cussa you aint got that baddah bing?

Adrian

What no! Im a good upstanding Christian like everyone else.

Cipriani

So what, you just come out here to this casino and, bump through the

crowd of rich oil barons, and hookers, argue with mobsters.. cuz you

are just a great kind of a person... someone give this guy a nobel

peace prize..

Adrian

Well no I have a wife and a kid...

Cipriani

Oh really im sorry...


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Adrian

So youll give me my winnings.

Cipriani

Naw Im sorry that your somebodys dad..

Bollock

(Begins laughing then coughing and hacking.)

Adrian

Look I dont get to go out much! I didnt come out here to spend my

hard earned money. And win! Just to be stopped by some crazy

technicality... dreamed up by some dim witted, over fed, stupid,

crappy, hopeless, Italian sterotypes!

Bollock/Cipriani

(Begin to raise their fists at Adrian)

Crooked Cop

(amateurish Clint Eastwoord Dirty

Hairyimpression said through his teeth as

he chews on a toothpick)

Everything all right here fellas.(eagle SFX, Generic Western

Instrumental begins to play.)

Adrian

Officer thank goodness! These men are crooks!

Crooked Cop

(pointing to Cipriani, and Bollock)

These men right here?(Sarcastically)

No kidding these guys. Crooks no way.

Adrian

They wont pay up and I want my money..


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7Crooked Cop

(goes over to Adrian and

puts his index

finger on Adrians lips)

Shh shh shh..

(Pause for silence Eagle sound effect and,

western instrumental begin again,

for an awkward amount of time until.)

Cipriani

Yea but he aint got no baddabing.

Bollock

Yea no baddabing.

Crooked Cop

Are you guys with the guy.

Adrian

(breaks free of Crooked cops hand)

What are you talkin..

Crooked Cop

(Interrupts him and

puts his hand over Adrians mouth.)

The guy with the zoot!

Cipriani

You mean big Zoot, with the hat?

Crooked Cop

Naw his buddy with the nose.

Bollock

What nose are we talkin here.

Adrian

(breaking free of the cop.)

Okay that does it will everyone please stop speaking gibberish? Look

Im out 300 dollars, even though I bet on red it came up red and they

wont pay. I declare that these two gentlemen are crooks!

Cipriani

Oh yeah, yeah, Zoot we know Zoot.


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Crooked Cop

Hes late on his you know.

(Rubs his fingers together.)

Bollock

Hes late.

Crooked Cop

Are you sure you understand?

Bollock

What his wife is pregnant?

Cipriani

No you idiot hes late on his bribe.

BollockWell tell the whole world why dont you? What the hell is wrong with

you Cipriani what about Omerta?

Cipriani

Naw I dont like her, she drove a buddy of mine crazy.

Bollock

Not Roberta, Omerta you idiot. The Mafioso code of silence.

Cipriani

Oh right.

Adrian

Look I dont want to interrupt this little. Whatever this is..

Officer, these men owe me three hundred dollars, it came up red, and

they refuse to pay.

Crooked Cop

(While leaning over to intimidate Adrian, and

receiving a bribe from

Bollock in between his moobs.)

I guess you gotta get that baddabing.

(Slowly Saunters away.)

Adrian

Dont think I didnt see that.


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Cipriani

See what?

Adrian

I saw you, you stuck money right into that cops tits.

Cipriani

Are you calling me stupid. I dont bribe cops.

Adrian

Then what did you just do?

Cipriani

I paid him for his services he was a male dancer... I

Crooked Cop(reenters the scene and gives

Adrian a fully clothed

Tired little dance to suitable music.

Then goes over and sits by the bar.)

Bollock

Look Cipriani... Um, this guy he got us in a bit of a situation here.

I dont think anyone would pay to see that guy dance...

Cipriani

(Dealing 300 dollars

in chips to Adrian)

Okay right okay you play again.. We find you the badda bing ok, here I

lend you my badda bing. we give you double or nothing..but you have

to play again, and we pay you in Itallian currency okay..

Adrian

Well... okay.

(places his chips on red.)

Cipriani

Okay here we go.

(Roulette wheel stops)

Bollock


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Its Red!

Adrian

Alright!

Bollock

(Begins handing Adrian Boxes, of DVDs)

Adrian

What are these?

Bollock

Italian currency.

Adrian

These are bootleg DVDs, of Justin Biebers movie.Cipriani

Yes its been a tough year for Italy. We have to go back to a DVD based

economy, we used to trade Prince live in concert on blue ray! But at

least now you definitely got that badda bing!

Adrian

But.. but.. but

Bollock

Yea, you a good man.. now lotsa badda bing!

Adrian

(heavy breath)

Ok... thanks.. thanks for nothing..

Bollock

That guys got some badda bing!

Adrian

(While Googling Italian

currency on his phone.)

What exactly is baddbing huh what makes me so special damn it? I think

you dont wanna pay me, I am not stupid okay. I know for a fact that

Italian Currency is not bootleg DVDs, its a.. uh.. the Euro.


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Bollock

Maybe for the continent, but hey times are tough.

Adrian

(Showing Bullock his phone)

No, Italy does transactions in the Euro, it says so on the internet

see.

Cipriani

How do you know eh? Are you an Italian?

Adrian

Well no I...

Bollock

I for one am offended that you would suggest, that I a mild Italian

gentleman, would be accused of giving out false currency, and from

someone with the baddabing. What you dont trust actual Itallians, you

gotta get your information off the internet? From strangers. Huh? I

thought we were pals, I cant believe we give you the baddabing.

Cipriani

Right Bollock I forgot. Hey Mr.Baddabing, here is your hat.

(Hands Adrian a hat)

Adrian

What is this?

Bollock

You telling me you dont know?

Adrian

I dont get it.

Cipriani

Its your hat, its what you get for the baddabing.


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12Adrian

This is a hat from Cher live in concert.

Bollock

Well what we give you a little Wayne hat? And you get more street

cred? Is that what you want fifty cent? What if you out with your

grandma? Huh?

Cipriani

Yeah now everybody, know that you got the Baddabing, and you aint

gotta offend nobody.

Adrian

You morons, how are people going to know that I have the badda binghuh? Watch. Hey officer.

(Puts on the hat, and waves to the Officer)

Crooked Cop

Hey niice baddabing!

Adrian

You know what no he doesnt count you bribed him.

CiprianiI already told you we payed him for dancing services.

Bollock

Thats right you want another dance?

Adrian

GOOD LORD NO!!

Bollock

To bad.

Adrian

Look I have a Baddabing whatever that is.. the hat and the DVDs and

all of its completely worthless, you really are running a chucky

cheese. You mindless vagrants you!


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Cipriani

So what we give you all this stuff, and you are ungrateful. You dont

want it. You know what you give us that stuff back. You dont deserve,

Im also takin a back your Baddabing.

Adrian

No, you cant take back my baddabing, because there is no such thing

as a baddabing.

Bollock

I dont get you first you wanna the baddabing, then you dont huh you

wanna make money gambling or what?

Adrian

Well yeah. Of course I want to make money gambling. I want to get

paid. You know money. Cash. Real currency okay. So why dont you pay

me what I am owed.

Cipriani

We dont wanna.

Adrian

But Ive got the baddabing.

(Pointing to the hat.)

Cipriani

Yea but we already spent the money.

Bollock

Thats right we spent your baddabing money on the shrimp.

Adrian

What are you talking about?

Cipriani

The shrimp. You know the little critters we slice the heads off eat

there bottoms huh.

Adrian

How did my money get in your shrimp.

Bollock

We donta put the money in shrimp nobody wanna eat shrimp with-a

fivedoller bill in it, think of the health code violations, combining


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money, and food like that. We spend-your-money on shrimp, pay

attention.

Cipriani

Yah do-you know how expensive shrimp is these days?

Adrian

Cant say that I do.

Cipriani

Okay lets say you run a shrimping business. Okay first you gotta buy

the fuel.

Adrian

I thought I was running a shrimping business.

Corrupt Cop

Dont you know anything punk, you cant do any kinda industry without

fuel.

Bollock

Yeah mr. Shrimpin boat captain, how you gonna drive your fishing

vessel without fuel.

Adrian

Im not a shrimping boat Captain and this isnt a casino, its a

chucky cheese.

Corrupt Cop

Hey shaddup, you may just learn something.

Cipriani

Thas right you listen to our dancer.

Corrupt Cop

(Shoots Cipriani a dirty look)

Bollock


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So you get da fuel, to run da ship, right. Then you gotta get the

dock.

Adrian

Why are you talking to me about shrimping? I dont care.

Bollock

Im telling you where we spend your money.

Corrupt Cop

Yeah shut up yer gonna learn somethin.

Adrian

Okay fine. So I get the money for the dock and the fuel..

Cipriani

Then you..

Adrian

Go shrimping?

Bollock

Naw, I cant believe we give you the baddabing, and you still so very

thick. You gotta buy the nets, and traps first. It isnt cheap.

Corrupt Cop

Dont forget Insurance. You need the insurance.

Cipriani

But some guys they no get the insurance, they say eh, to exspensive

insurance, then bam oil spill! Then shrimp everywhere they die, or

they no good, and you have to wait for the next generation of shrimp,

but they not as good as the first shrimp, and they are twice as

exspensive, and they always complaining, and occupying wall street...

Bollock

So naturally prices go up. 300 dollars a pound, for shrimp.

Adrian

Thats ridiculous, why would you do business with them. Why would you

buy shrimp for that much?


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Bollock

You gotta have pretty big baddabing, to own a shrimping company with

no insurance.

Cipriani

Thats right, at this Casino we only do the business, with guys with

tha baddabing.

Corrupt Cop

Exactly.

Adrian

I am done with this I am sending a report directly to the gamingcommission, you owe me 600 dollars.

Cipriani

(puts a shrimp cocktail, down on the table)

There you go. Just for you mister baddabing.

(End Scene)

(Lights Out)

We Dont Wanna

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