THE GARGOYLEThe UniversiTy of ToronTo’s rUnner Up since 1954

SPORTSBALL

ON

CAMPUS

vol. lXi, no. 5 16 november 2015

STUDENT POLITICS

Those sports teams are at it again! The Gargoyle investigates who was hitting what balls with which paddles. What was the meaning behind it all, and who was watching? Is there really a God watching over us? Pg ∞

STUDENT LIFESTUNNING TURN OF EVENTS: UTSU SUES

STUDENT BODYStudent/defendant turnout less than 5% Pg 69

UC LIT CANCELS FRESHMAN JOUSTING AFTER STAFF RAISE SAFETY CONCERNSRules in favour of jetpack drinkoff Pg 2

I N S I D E

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

2 NEWS THE GARGOYLE monday 16 november 2015submissions@ucgargoyle.ca

THE GARGOYLEissUe 5

vol. lXi

15 kINg’S COLLEgE CIrCLErOOm F6TOrONTO, ON m5S 3h7(416) 946-0941

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M A S T H E A Dmanaging editor-in-chief

sophia park

content editor-in-chiefpenelope evans

opinionsglynis starrunner

arts & cultureaziz yilmazkaya

sciencee.g. pask

avant-garganya zaporozhchenko

comicspenelope evans

copy-editoremma fox

production managersusan yan

illustratorsusan yan

staffhaley park

alexandra teslablvcktoques

erik deaniris robin

ted zhang

staff emeritusmackay-cl’t

illya mykytynlo ileea

carla mesa guzzosebastian watts

front coversophia park & penelope evans

back coverh. elizabeth

contributorschris cannistraro

alan coleridgeh. elizabeth

arielle grimesshania pererakieran staceyemily sweny

vanessa varsity

PHOTO OF THE WEEk

young students play soccer outside University College. NASA Crew of STS-132/THE GARGOYLE

T H E E X P L A I N E R

aboUT This issUe

As students grab issues of The Gargoyle, they discover a newfound dignity within themselves. Eminating from the scant dozen pages comes a faint light and the absence of penis. After years of parodying themselves, The Gargoyle

has moved on to bigger and better papers for “inspiration.”

You pick up the issue. You softly smell the pages. “Ah, my favourite,” you coyly remark to yourself. “The irreverent homosexual pornography of The Gargoyle. I’ve loved you like I’ve loved the basement of Innis College. Wait, what’s this?”

You violently rifle through the pages, tearing off section D from space and time. But the dicks are absent. Gone is the loving embrace only a man can provide another man.

Instead is award-winning journalism in a dollar store package.

This is how you find The Explainer:1. After three days in the depths of University

College, you find a map. This map has no title, has not been touched in three years. You can just sense the three years absence, after all.

2. Crawling on your hands and knees through the hidden sewers where the mutant students are kept, you find another map. It points back to your start. How foolish of you!

3. The third map is protected only by the silver fangs of a rubber snake. You nervously dispatch it. Seems like that one might come back to haunt you.

4. Boo! The Explainer was behind you the whole time! He was hiding and was waiting for you, because you needed something explained! That is what he does!

“I’ve sought you out, The Explainer,” you whimper. “I haven’t had a boner in ten years. Explain that!”

The blood did not flow to your member.

“Oh. Is there a solution?”

You must come to understand this Varsity Issue.

It is an issue not unlike other issues, and yet, this issue will become that which we even fear to utter.

Sometimes when a paper deeply admires another paper, that paper has certain urges not unlike your own.

Do not imagine the paper boner.

When two papers at a university are bordering on incest, however, a repression of these urges is desirable. One way to repress these urges is to transform themselves absolutely.

In full.

In entirety.

They look as if a shadow of their sister paper. The Gargoyle has only deep fondness for The Varsity. This is why your explicit, visceral mandate was replaced with award-winning journalism in a dollar store package. This is the essence of their sisterhood.

“That’s kind of sweet.”

They think so too.

“Wait, I can feel it flowing! This is it! I’m unstoppable!”

I am going to leave now.

...

“I’m back in bonertown.”

Yours in sisterly love,Sophia Park and Penelope Evans

monday 16 november 2015 THE GARGOYLE NEWS 3

University of Toronto “tormented” by otherworldly ritualWhat are “sports”? The Gargoyle investigates

h. elizabethTROUBLED FRIEND

This past week, Joshua Delbert, a second year University College student, made a shocking discovery. While on his way to class, Joshua found himself drawn to strange chanting coming from north of Hoskin Avenue. The chanting was so compelling, said Joshua, that he ignored the warnings given to him by his frosh leaders: “I was told that beyond Trinity College lay a pit where robed men sacrifice the proletariat freshmen, and that if I were to pass beyond its copper towers I would be putting myself in certain danger. Though I found no pit, I found something even more terrifying than any sort of sacrifice”.

The chanting led Joshua to a structure akin to the ancient Roman Colosseum, where fellow students had donned full regalia and face paint. They took turns running and smashing into each other, as onlookers demanded that they to ‘bleed blue’. Joshua remarked that “they seemed possessed, as if something was compelling them their own destruction. When I tried to ask an onlooker what was going on, they emitted a strange noise, and when I asked again they barked ‘SPORTS’ ”.

“Sports” has been the word on the tip of the University of Toronto’s collective tongue, as faculty and students alike wonder what exactly caused this ritual to

occur on campus, and how long it has gone on under their noses. Joshua claims that his discovery has troubled him so much that he is considering transferring to OCAD, as there is little chance of such ritual overtaking the arts university.

So far, the office of the Provost has issued no statement.

In defence of fascismThe size of the “f” makes all the differencealaN COleRiDGeCONTRIBUTOR

I’m a fascist. There, I said it. When you think of fascists, you probably think of Nazis. Well, I’m not a Nazi. I can’t believe I needed to say that.

The distinction between Nazis and fascists is vital to political discourse of today; it is as delicate as the difference between the bourgeois and the upper class. What is even more vital, however, is the differ-ence between Fascism and fascism. While Fascism may have more capital, size isn’t everything.

As a fascist, I despise Fascism, which is a radically right, anti-Semitic, transphobic, ableist, racist, sexist institution. fascism, on the other hand, is a complex form of educated conservatism, free of any such prejudices; any reservations that fascists have regarding minority groups is entirely based on fact, such as the facts that one reads in The Varsity. Besides, fascism is only slightly classist and even that is for the general good of humanity.

Poor people, as we know, are poor because they failed at some crucial aspect of life. Take me for example. I was poor once. I started as a prince. My father was dedicat-ed to hiding the suffering of life from me, but one day I left my palace and saw the world for what it was: I saw a dying man, I saw a poor man. I left home that day and decided to change the world. That was a psychologically trying time, and it is when I reflect on this portion of my life that I

nearly sympathise with those who demand trigger warnings in every conversation. I daresay I may have PTSD, though my psychologist hasn’t quite figured it out yet. Anyway, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, became an ascetic monk in the wilderness and now I’m working an unpaid internship on my way up the journalism ladder.

I would argue that it is my enlightened position that got me here. Were it not for fascism, I would still be where I was: depressed and without a Ferrari.

Alan Coleridge is a fifth-year philosophy specialist at Trinity College.