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Res Gestae Law School History and Publications

2010

Vol. 60, No. 5, February 24, 2010University of Michigan Law School

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44 X 5

£5 STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN LAw ScHOOL

February 24, 2010 Vol. 60 No.5

Dear readers,

We've given up.

UNIV" OF MICH MAR 0 1 2010

LAVv lJBF1ARV'

We know what you really want to read in the RG.

It's on page 12.

Happy spring break!

On The Inside: La:w&Lit 2 The Be�r Guy 3 $ave ¥:ourself 4 That Guy You Hate 5 The Food Court 6 The "Ex-Pat Perspective 7 Valog11amst S-9

ALT +PRM :w-11

Love, your friendly

Res Gestae staff

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Testimony from the Trial of J. Alfred Prufrock

By Kevitt Adler

[Testimony of Ms. M.]

Q. Please state your name for the court. A.Ms.M. Q. And what is it you do, Ms. M.? A. Broadway actress. For the past year I've been doing "The Little Mermaid." Q. Ah. What role? A. Ariel. Q. I see. Now, can you describe how you met Mr. P.? A. Well, I first saw him at a cast party. It was a few weeks after the show opened, and some of the bigger sponsors had gotten invitations to come and meet us. Q. And he came? A. Yes, he did ... Q. Did anything about him strike you as out of the ordinary? A. He ... really wasn't much to look at. Kind of old? Reminded me of my dad. Dad used to do Hamlet-he'd be one of those guys in the court scenes, sitting on the edge. There he'd be, no lines, looking kind of noble-not noble like Hamlet, but noble enough. Q. And Mr. P. was like that? A. Yes, he gave the same impression. I think he was wearing corduroys, rolled up at the bottom. And his hair was parted

strangely. Q. Strangely? A. In the back. .. Q. Did you speak to him? A. We said hello. He told me he was interested in Renaissance artists. Kind of a weird thing to bring up. Q. Had you been discussing art that night? A. No. We were mostly talking about a new show one of my cast mates was doing. Townsend. He was starring in an off-Broadway Ninja Turtles revival. Q. So, continuing your discussion with

Mr. P., did he say anything else that night? A. Oh, I can barely remember. He muttered a lot. Something about eating a peach? Q. And when was the next time you saw

Mr. P.? A. That was ... oh God .. .I can hardly. ..

[Testimony of Mr. P.]

Q. Mr. P., You met Ms. M. at a cast party, correct? A. Knew her already. Knew them all. Q. By "knew" you mean you saw her in "The Little Mermaid"? A. Indeed. Q. But you first spoke with her at a cast party.

See LAW & LIT, page 4

PROf'ESSOR (�ESPONDING TO STUDENT COMMENT): THAT's s,EAUTIFUL. ExcEPT THE CouRT KEEPS SAYING THAT IT'S WRONG.

OvERHEARD IN THE lAw ScHOOL EMAIL OVERHEARD@THERESGESTAE.COM

---------------111 �cz ®czhtc • Jlf£hruartl 24, 2009

The Beer Guy Toss Me a Brewski, Bro!

By Joe Wang

You've seen' em in every bar. They hog the stools at Bar Louie, they descended upon your favorite watering hole in Cambridge or Chicago, and they love playing cornhole. Either in earnest or ironically-doesn't matter. They're douchebags and hipsters, and they're thirsty. Hipsters and douchebags come in many varieties, and so do their beers. Inclusion in this list isn't so much a dig on the quality of the tipple, but rather the character of its drinker. So take a good look in the mirror, folks-some of these might sound familiar.

Hipster Classic Pabst Blue Ribbon suffers from a bit

of First Amendment affliction-because it chooses to associate with hipsters, it faces discrimination. And that's almost a shame, because while it's a very pale lager with timid flavor profile, it's better than other American macrolagers. The red, white, and blue calls out to the patriot in me; the blue ribbon appeals to the gunner I might have once aspired to be. Then again, with a flavor as insultingly rail-thin and one­dimensional as the hipsters who drink it constantly, PBR is really weak. Among the watered down flavors, you can really taste the disaffection! I personally like to channel the DIY spirit of the hipster and mix these into something called a PBRoyale--equal parts Pabst and Andre Brut. Classy. Side note: reports Prof. Logue: "the beer of choice among law professors who sing Karaoke at the Circus Bar: PBR in a can for 50 cents."

The Altema-Hipster For those who have moved out of The

Mission because it got too mainstream-y, who eschew the fixed-gear bike as lame, whose goal in life is to wear the biggest earlobe plugs ever, Miller High Life is on its way to becoming the new Pabst. It's crisp, slightly grassy, and artificially bubbly. It's also heavy on the grain flavor. Is it the "champagne of beers"? No. Says one fellow taster, "Miller High Life was my first beer. It was also my last one for a while."

The Altema-Altema-Hipster So it's come to drinking Colt 45. I'm so

alternative I don't have to drink beer. I like to drink thin watery beer-like substances that taste of grain, com, dextrose, and irony. If PBR is the hipster way of saying, ''I'm no longer confined by what corporate America dictates my tastes should be," then Colt 45 is hipster for "''m no longer concerned with taste at all."

The !-Banker Stella Artois pours the color of apple,

with a sweet honey taste and a clean bitterness on the back of the tongue. It's light and fizzy in the mouth, with an aftertaste of stale bread and grass that starts out crisp and drinkable when it's ice cold, but as it warms, the beer gets underwhelrning, and a cloying sweetness takes over quickly. Stella Artois rides the coattails of the great Belgian brewing tradition while effectively ignoring such tradition in its entirety. It's for people who want to be seen drinking something overpriced and Belgian but who would prefer not to have to drink beer. You'd do better melting a box of Godiva truffles into a mug and making a hot cocoa. Double­douche score: buy it in bottles for that super-classy foil wrapping. Triple-douche score: pronounce "Artois" with a sneer.

The Ivy-Leaguer Heineken is the beer my college buddy

used to drink to make himself feel special. Now, I think it made him look like a prestige whore. OK, I went to Princeton­we were all prestige whores. Heineken is pretty thin, with pronounced sugar sweetness instead of malt-possibly even coming from corn syrup. I'll admit it got pleasantly bitter at the tail end (much like a law student), but with an overwhelming taste of honey and an aftertaste of sour apple juice (not much like a law student). The carbonation was particularly unsubtle, and the beer left me with the taste of grass, light hops, and faux classiness.

"Fruit In My Beer is So Hip!" I feel like Charlton Heston at the end

of Soylent Green: Blue Moon is Coors! Tell everyone! But here's the thing: it's not

half bad. It's creamy and rich, with hints of citrus and grassiness. So it's a really great facsimile of an actual beer, and that would be fine if it were marketed as such. Instead, Blue Moon has stoked sales by downplaying its megacorporate parent and pushing the slice of orange in the glass in order to pique consumer interest with "whenever there's an orange, there ought to be a stack of blue moon." So instead of being proud of an American megabrewery for creating something tasty, we intentionally and erroneously think of Blue Moon (along with Haagen-Dazs and Caesar Salad) as European.

The Semester-Abroad Student Comes Home

He's just back from a semester abroad, and he won't shut up about the Trappist ales he got so wrecked on back in the Old World. He looks on with a sneer when you order a single-fermentation beer, because he can handle the Tripe!. He even insists on drinking Chimay in its own goblet. That's right, it's the I-know-Blue­Moon-isn' t -from-Europe-and -that's-why­I-don't-drink-it beer snob. Despite being an exceptionally good beer, Chimay has three things going for it on the douche front: a.) it's Belgian, so it's got to be imported, b.) it's Trappist, which is Europe's version of " craft brewer," and c.) Chimay is easy enough to pronounce that any idiot from America can order it. All three export varieties are delicious-you should try them all. But don't be a douche about it.

Dude ... Good lord, there is a lot of corn in

Milwaukee's Bestlce. It's the color of urine and has the aroma of stale bread. This, dear readers, is the aroma of undergrad life-the beer that both fratboys and bros can get behind. It's light and drinkable, but only because it goes down like water. It tastes like someone soaked a loaf of Wonder bread in a Brita filter. Not a lot of bitterness, or flavor of any kind. I had it with a side of Swedish Fish. Mmm . . .

Joe Wang welcomes your requests, as long as they are accompanied with a serious six-pack of brewskies. Reach him at rg@umich.edu.

4 Jlfchrua:rlJ 24, 2009

ave Yourse

Breaking News: There's More to MI than MLaw By Carla Lee

With break1 coming up next week, I thought it would be a good idea to look into some day trips and weekend trips here in Michigan.2 Even if you already have plans for this break, sometimes what you really need to do to save yourself during the semester is get away for a day or two and remember all the things you loved to do before law school. Here are three options, varying in price, time, and distance, but all offering a lot of fun.

Belle Isle When the winter blahs kick in and you

need a little greenery and entertainment in your life, head into Detroit to visit Belle Isle, approximately an hour's drive from Ann Arbor.

T h e A n n a S c r i p p s W h i t c o m b Conservatory, run b y the Belle Isle

1 A break in February in Michigan is nothing like a spring break. 2 I grew up taking summer road trips back and forth across the country and therefore consider eight to ten hour drives as regular, easy trips, so your definition of day trip or weekend trip may vary.

Law&Lit

Botanical Society, is free.lt features plants from around the world and is split into a variety of sections -- tropical plants, the cactus exhibit, and palm trees, to name a few. A well-maintained path leads you through the greenery, and at the end of the path you'll find a fountain, a beautiful location for photography. The Conservatory is open every day from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Once you're done with the plants, take a look at the Dossin Great Lakes Museum. A history maritime museum, it focuses on Detroit's role in national and regional maritime history and hosts one of the largest collections of model ships in the world. Though many of the exhibits change, some of the permanent ones are the Miss Pepsi, one of the fastest hydroplane racing boats, and the SS William Clay Ford pilot house, which allows visitors to captain a freighter.

If the weather's warm enough, check out the Belle Isle Nature Zoo, open most days 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. It offers nature programs to the general public, including a fallow deer encounter where visitors

can see deer from the island, an insider's view of an actual beehive, and a close-up interaction with turtles.

Big Bay For those who enjoy the snow and cold

weather, head into the Upper Peninsula to Big Bay, approximately a nine hour drive from Ann Arbor or a short flight to the UP, and go to the Big Bay Point Lighthouse Bed and Breakfast. High on a cliff with great views of Lake Superior, the B&B provides an interesting place for visitors to stay while snowshoeing along the shore and skiing area trails. The B&B also offers spa services, including hot stone massages, full body therapeutic massages, and herbal body wraps.

While in Big Bay, check out the Lumberjack Tavern, the site of the murder that inspired the movie Anatomy of a Murder. The Tavern offers domestic and imported beer and a full menu for fresh meals.

Frankenmuth

See SAVE YOURSELF, page 6

Testimony from the Trial of J. Alfred Prufrock LAW & LIT, from page 2

A. How should I presume? Q. But you did, Mr. P. You did presume, didn't you? A. Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets and watched the smoke that rises from the pipes of lonely men? Q. I'm sure you've smoked plenty of men's pipes, Mr. P., but right now we're talking about your appetite for peaches. What did you say to Ms. M. when you met her? A. How should I begin? Q. At the beginning, Mr. P. A. Do I dare to eat a peach? Q. Just so, Mr. P. By that you meant to sexually proposition Ms. M., correct? A. That is not what I meant at all! Q. Then what did you mean, Mr. P.?

A. It's impossible to say! Q. I see. We'll leave it at that. Now, isn't it true you followed Ms. M. home later that week? A. An overwhelming question ... Q. Well? A. I lingered upon the pools that stand in drains, let fall upon my back the soot that falls from chimneys-Q. Outside Ms. M.'s flat? A. -slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap-Q. Mr. P., why did you go to Ms. M.'s flat? A. -and rubbed my muzzle on her window pane ... Q. Mr. P.! So you admit you were there. And she saw you, didn't she? A. I was afraid! Q. What did you say?

A. [bellowing] Let us go then, you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky like a patient etherised upon a table! Q. And you meant her to be the patient, right? A. No! Q. Then what did you mean? A. Just some talk of you and me. Q. Of course. Will you tell us why you went there, Mr. P.? A. I...have heard the mermaids singing, each to each ... Q.And? A. I did not think that they would sing for me.

With apologies to T.S. Eliot, Kevitt can be reached at rg@umich.edu.

--------------111 �cs (!f}cshtc • Jlfehruartr24, 2009 sll That Guy You Hate

Zach's Law Dictionary By Zach Dembo

lLs - They come into the year filled with amazing experiences from all over the world and from all walks of life, and leave it careerist, CPA-grubbing pedants. Roughly 50% are lost to vampirism during the first round of exams, with an additional 20% becoming zombies due to lack of makeup and/ or humanity. Insecurities abound in this newly born class, usually compensated for by obsessing about grades, pretending not to obsess about grades but actually tattooing E&E' s on your arms, and founding secret societies to feel better about yourself.

2Ls - Having been in the school for an entire 9 months, they are omniscient about all things law school. Most spent lL year as ugly caterpillars in chrysalides, but once the new class sets foot on campus, the 2Ls emerge as beautiful social butterflies, all inexplicably in the top 10% of their class and filled with ancient Zen wisdom. Be sure to take all of their completely conflicting advice about how to study, which professors are good, and which incredibly expensive supplements you can buy from them that you'll never use. Additionally, you must accept every crappy outline they chuck at you as canon law, and NEVER share it with other people, because God knows what would happen then.

3Ls- They've done their time. Two years of such grueling tasks as "reading," "writing papers," and "trivia nights" represent the most difficult challenges ever faced; now they feel comfortable just picking yesterday's meal out of their beards and waiting for their degree. And they only have to pay $45,000 a year not to go to cla�s.

LSSS - More often referred to as the L SP PC (Law School Party P lanning Committee), this bastion of informed governance has given a vigorous voice to progressive change on campus through brave, groundbreaking actions such as "Bar Crawls" and "Beard Contests" (sometimes, fair reader, the truth is the best satire). Once debated for two days straight on whether or

not to pass a resolution expressing support of the existence of LSSS. Orientation Week - This is the exciting time as alL where you make many new friends, and then promptly never talk to them again after you find your "real" friends.

ABCD - Apparently, these people exist.

EFGH - Once referred to as "Every F-ing Gunner Here," this moniker is now completely unfair. Instead, the number of gunners in this section has swelled beyond classroom capacity, and now EFGH outsources some of its gunners to the other sections.

IJKL -An abomination in God's eyes. Let them be anathema. Two boils for each and every student's putrid gall bladder.

MNOP - If you like having an unhealthy obsession with your Legal Practice professor and never talking with anyone outside of your section, this is the place for you.

Reading Room - A place where the love of the law, and the noise of all bodily functions, echoes on for centuries. Voted "Best Place to Pick Up a Lawyer Husband" by the sisters of Delta Delta Delta.

Subs - Has anyone wondered what would happen if you just took twenty huge reporters through the detectors and booked it out of there? Does the sign saying "Please return to the distribution desk on S-2" have magical powers? Would the vacuous undergrad tackle you? Would the octogenarian professional grouches taze you? Also voted "Best Place to Have a Guy Masturbate In Front of You" by the sisters of Delta Delta Delta.

Outlines- A widely-held belief in the law school is that the length of your outline corresponds to the length of your ... exam answer. Outline creators have such high opinions of themselves that they believe a bullet-pointed, flow-charted god-awful horror show presented to a slack-jawed lL is equivalent to the cracking of the ULTRA code in World War II. One such outline

creator swore the reporter to secrecy, and I sent it to no one; on the day of the exam, most of the class had the same one. Student groups- With the recent creation of RBLSA-Resume Boosting Law Students Association-the cover has pretty much been blown on these. Generally, they elect people to bizarre sinecures like "lL Bestiality Rep" and "Grand Moff Tarkin," and then never meet again. Occasionally they'll have a meeting in which the aforementioned 2Ls dispense job advice (read: interpretive dance moves about working in some place you'll never want to work) and chuck some Jimmy John's into the crowd.

Dean Caminker - He works here doing something. I'll investigate further, but current rumor has it he spends his days stroking a removable Fu Manchu while reading sheep entrails and plotting his next move against his nemesis, Dean Robert "Funktastic'' Post, of Yale Law. However, if you're a student with an issue or complaint, he's away indefinitely, and you should go talk to one of the Banes of Students, Baum or Gregory.

Deans Baum and Gregory - Important roles include casting the tiebreaking vote when Dean Caminker disagrees with himself and flinging over grenades intended for him.

Law school construction- With the recent hiring of Yertle the Turtle as construction manager, the project is moving forward in leaps and bounds and should be completed in time for the bicentennial celebration. Apparently the time is being cut in half through such revolutionary ideas as "work" and " doing construction directly in students' ear canals during class."

Attractive single people at Michigan Law - Your search for "attractive single people at Michigan Law" did not match any results. Did you mean "plain, desperate people"?

Zach has the decency to use a carrel when he discreetly touches himself inapprapriately in the subs. Email him at rg@umich.edu.

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The Food Court

A2's 2Zs: Zingerman's and Dean Z, Lords of Perk By th e Michigan Law Culinary crossed the line from Midwestern nice and advertising that's omnipresent in Club Board to Midwestern cult. We're talking about the stores and on the packaging is both

There's a concept called "Midwestern nice" which generally refers to an almost pathological obsession with polite behavior and surface courtesy that some Midwesterners exhibit. One of us actually grew up in the Midwest and thinks that Midwestern nice isn't an act-people here really are like that-but some people take it to extremes, creating a personality that borders on insincerity.

In the law school Midwestern nice isn't as evident, although you could make a case that our own beloved Dean Zearfoss is the UMLS equivalent. She's got an endless supply of perkiness and seems to really want you to come here. It's not just in real life, either-reading her blog (http://www.law.umich.edu/connection/ a2z/default.aspx), you get the same sense of Dean Z's rapid-fire style. She's UMLS's Liz Lemon.

Dean Z doesn't have the insincere touch that Midwestern nice sometimes creates; either she's amazingly good at pretending to be energetically interested all the time, or she actually is that way. A2's other Z icon, however, seems to have

Save Yourself

Zingerman's, of course-the emporium/ a graphic design nightmare and an off­empire that has cornered the market on putting, overly corporatized sense of upscale food and food products and has whimsy. When you start developing a done so since before half our student trademark, it's hard to keep up the act of body was born. "we're just a fun little store that serves

There's no point in rehashing the most common complaints about Zingerman's: the exorbitant prices that prevent any student without a parent or legal guardian present from actually eating a full meat the slightly overrated food (would you like more grease with that?), and the insane crowds that descend during freshman orientation, graduation, and pretty much every weekend. Yes, it's A2's version of New York's Magnolia Bakery-a tourist trap that, for the locals, has jumped the shark a while back.

This isn't to say that there is nothing good about Zingerman's. If you chance on the right order you can have an amazing meal-some of their homemade products like the cheeses and gelatos are great, and they stock a lot of products that you can't get anywhere else in the county (and maybe the state). But the fame has transformed a quirky deli into a weirdly cult-like behemoth. The garish branding

great food."

The Zingerman' s staff manages to take the Midwestern nice to a new level, too. They're helpful to the point of maybe not being believable-or at least seeming a little exhausting. It's all in keeping with the vibe of the place, but it's not really clear why "juggernaut deli" needs to be humanized into a cultish cheeriness. The energy would probably be better directed into ensuring consistency in the food rather than creating an environment that, between the crowds and the excessive smiles, makes you want to eat your sandwich in the less hyped-up confines of your home. Maybe Zingerman's can take a tip from Dean Z and underplay the energy level a bit. Just like with food, sometimes less is more.

Of course, if you give them $15, the Culinary Club Board won't say no to a Zingerman's sandwich. Email your credit card number to rg@umich.edu.

Breaking News: There's More to MI than MLaw SAVE YOURSELF, from page 6

Called Michigan' s Little Bavaria, Frankenmuth, approximately an hour and a half drive from Ann Arbor, offers a number of adventures to visitors. In Aprit the fourth annual Bringin' Back the 80s festival benefits the American Cancer Society and lets visitors pay tribute to the music and trends of the 80s. The Bronner's Christmas Wonderland, the world's largest Christmas store, provides more than 50,000 Christmas decorations, gifts, and collectibles year round. The Michigan's Own Military & Space Museum features displays about the Michigan Veterans of six foreign wars

and the space program.

For those who want to try local specialties, the St. Julian Wine Co, Michigan's oldest wine company, offers daily video tours and tasting. St. Julian's produces wine, champagne, spumante, brandies, and vodka. For food, some local favorites include Sullivan's Black Forest Brew Haus & Grill, which features a dozen hand-crafted beers and a full­service restaurant that includes fish and chips, deep dish pizza, and a variety of burgers and sandwiches -- check out the brewery tour if you have time, and the Bavarian Inn Restaurant, with family-style dinners of chicken, breads,

fresh fruit preserves, soups, salads, and homemade ice cream as well as authentic German dishes. The Frankenmuth Cheese Haus specializes in chocolates, cheeses, and cheese spreads and provides visitors with specialty foods, gifts, and a coffee bar.

Whatever your pleasure or reason for getting away, do take the time to explore Michigan while you're here and, as always, remember the importance of saving yourself.

Carla's got plenty of ideas for bar trips, too. Get the full scoop by emailing her at rg@ umich.edu.

--------------111 �.e£'1 (!i).e£Jht.e • Jlfchruar� 24, 2009

The Ex-Pat Perspective

Tread Lightly: Twenty Miles, One Treadmill, and Lots and Lots of Boredom

By Patrick Barry

The fall is generally considered marathon season in the United States. Over fifty occur in October alone, including one of the biggest (Chicago), one only for women (San Francisco),1 and even one right here in Michigan (Detroit). At least twenty more and, most notably, the one with the most participants and spectators (New York), take place in November.

This makes training if not pleasant at least doable. You rarely have to worry about the weather (particularly snow) interfering with your longest runs. You may have to wait for Friday's rain to become Saturday's sun or wake up early on Thursday to circumvent a weekend storm. But for the most part you can, with a little patience and planning, count on completing the double-digit mile runs at the core of any marathon regiment outside, with plenty to look at, and a nice non-digital distance to look back on. It is kind of cool to fulfill your 13-mile day by running from Ann Arbor to Dexter, even if it is less cool, of course, trying to figure out how to get back.

S p r i n g m a r a t h o n s a r e l e s s accommodating. To complete a standard 16-week training schedule in time for Cincinnati's famous Flying Pig Marathon in May, you have to start in January. For the Boston in April, Day 1 of 112 begins in December. This explains the treadmill. I had qualified for Boston last fall. But unless I was going to develop an affinity (not to mention talent) for snow shoes as I

1 De spite i ts t i t l e-Nik e Wo men's Marathon-this race is actually open to men. And it would be a shame if it weren't. Race weekend amenities include massages, yoga classes, Ghiradelli chocolate, and even a Tiffany necklace handed to you after you cross the finish line.

worked my way through the pre-race training, I was, at some point, going to have to make friends with the belt, buttons, and beeps of a Precor USA or Horizon T20, or one of the many other trail substitutes that help Northerners avoid runners' hibernation each winter. I would not be able to wait for Friday's snow to become Saturday's sun. More likely it would just become Saturday's even more snow, followed by Sunday's "Yup, still snowing" and Monday's "You know there are universities in Arizona, right?" snow.

So I packed up some supplies, channeled my inner hamster and headed off to the CCRB to run, essentially in place, for 3 hours. Remembering from Huck Finn and, more recently, "Lost" that intense situations create some of the strongest friendships, I had decided to start this new relationship not a with a simple "3-mile pace" or even a "45-min Tempo" run. Nope, I would go for the max: 20 Miles. A distance that would lead to the appearance of seven different people on the treadmill next to me. A distance that would require I change my shirt three times. A distance that would give me the time to read, or try to read, the entire Sunday New York Times. And a distance, also, that would teach me some things.

First, it is really hard, as a physical matter, to read while running. My sightline kept bouncing to a different byline. Worse, I discovered that my newspaper folding technique, clumsy when I am stationary, caused paper­cuts when I was moving. I had included a couple bottles of water among my supplies. I hadn't included any band­aids. This was an oversight. I expected to give my treadmill a lot of toil, even more sweat, and possibly a few tears. Now, completing the Churchillian sacrifice, I would give it some of my

blood too.

Second, it is even harder, as a psychological matter, to read about food while running. My treadmill would eventually tell me that I burned 2431 calories. By calorie 907 I was ready to eat the meal reviewed that day by Times food critic Sam Sifton. By calorie 1543 I was ready to eat the review itself. "All the news that is fit to print" quickly became "all the news that is fit to scarf down."

Third, many treadmills, including the one I was on, reset after sixty minutes. This creates two conflicts. The first is with your conscience. Signs indicating that workouts should be limited to thirty minutes when people are waiting create what might be called soft pressure not to turn your workout into the running scene from Forrest Gump. This gets elevated to hard pressure, even "Dude, get off!" pressure, when the machine actually shuts off on you mid-stride.

The second conflict is with your vanity. My treadmill reset three times during my run, always erasing the previous hour's mileage when it did. What people saw on my face as I neared my end goal was anguish, exhaustion, and the kind of ravenousness that says, "Yes, two minutes longer and I will start eating newsprint." What they saw on my screen was: "Mile 1.3."

Of course the most important thing I learned was that, after surviving Treadmill Tedium, even Heartbreak Hill seems manageable. I think I am ready for Boston. I may even bring the Times.

Patrick attends Michigan for all his non-law needs. Ask him about the vagaries of the U. of Chicago academic calendar at rg@umich.edu.

II 8 �-- Ji\.cs @cshtc • Jlf.ehruar� 24, 2009 11--1 ------ValogramS: One of the Few Reasons to Not Drop Out

---------�11 �s (f).esht.e • JlfebruarJJ 24, 2009

The Headnotes! Dean Baxtresser

Julie Bernard Caitlin Bloom Brian Chang Justin Gayle

Manolo Guardiola Beth Kaskan

Katie Ladewski

Katie McLoughlin Anna Moschet

RyanMott Doug Ottenwess

Mariska Richards Tori Roth

Rachel Wilson

II 10 �.... �cs <licsta:c • Jlfebruar\l24, 2009 Ill---------ALT +PRM: A Party for Those Who Don't Do Law School Parties

Matt Weiser

Justin Trupiano

Matt Weiser

TJHooper and the Learned Hands!

HannaBaek Brendan Baker

John Calvin Chris Harbin

Peter McGraw Alysha Rooks Jim Schleicher

Adam Thompson Kevan Ventura Meredith Weill

Justin Trupiano

Justin Trupiano

Matt Weiser Justin Trupiano

II 12 �� �.es @.esht.e • JlfehruarJJ 24, 2DD9 II G rade Summary - Part 1 Fall 2009 Number receiving each grade

Course/ 4.3 4.0 3.7 3.3 3.0 2.7 2.3 2.0 1.7 1.3 1.0 0.0 Class Section Professor Course Name A+ A A- B+ B B- C+ c C- D+ D E p Size

4021001 Kochen,Madeline Sara Public Interest Colloquium 9 14 403/001 Piehi,Anne Morrison Sentencing Law and Policy 4 14 404/001 Kethledge,Raymond M Supreme Crt Thry & Pract 15 405/001 Onwuachi,Angela I Race, Law, and Society 12 406/001 Tucker,Stefan Tax Plan for Real Est Trans 6 12 4071001,002,0 Cooper,Edward H Teach the Prof: Oil&Gas Law 2 17 408/001 Boehning,H Christopher Litigation Strategy 8 25 409/001 Fel\er,Leonid, Tukel,Jonathan Fed lnvestig and Prosecution 6 4 2 20 4101001 Leamer,Howard Alan Energy Law and Climate Change 4 I 2 II 510/001 Cooper,Edward H Civil Procedure 6 17 9 6 48 510/002 Clark,Bradford R Civil Procedure 6 l3 9 6 4 49 5201001 White,James J Contracts 16 31 24 9 104 520/002 Radin,Margaret Jane Contracts 14 28 25 10 94 5201003 Kraus,Jody S Contracts 17 13 4 47 520/004 Crane,Daniel A Contracts 12 13 6 46 5301001 Wesl,Mark D Criminal Law 19 32 31 8 99 5401001 Larsen,Joan L Intra to Constitutional Law 9 15 9 4 50 5401002 Coan,Andrew B Intra to Constitutional Law 5 7 II I I 5 44 5601001,003 Krier,James E Property 18 28 61 41 23 ISO 5601002 Miller, William J Property 10 14 28 23 14 95 5801001 Clark,Sherman J Torts 6 14 32 23 10 94 5801002 Whitman,Chris Torts 5 7 17 10 4 48 5801003 Horwitz,Jill R Torts 5 8 14 12 6 49 5801004 Hershovitz,Scott A Torts 6 8 13 II 6 47 5801005 Hcrzog,Don Torts 5 7 13 10 7 46 60 l/001 Croley,Steven P Administrative Law 3 II 7 8 31 606/001 Mortenson,Julian Davis Transnational Law 9 13 22 6 58 117 6061002 Ratner,Steven Richard Transnational Law 7 8 17 15 48 107 607/001 Sankaran, Vivek S Children and the Law 2 9 6 4 2 24 612/001 Kantor,AIIyn David A It Dispute Resolution 6 5 10 24 616/001 Miller, William I Bloodfcuds 9 10 12 4 54 628/001 Kantor,AIIyn David Environmental ADR 8 4 2 18 629/001 Lutz,Karl E Law Finns and Legal Careers 2 6 II 8 l3 46 630/001,002 Simma,Bruno Eckard Public International Law 5 21 6311001 Regan,Donald H Intra Con Law & Am Legal Pro 15 12 2 33 6341001 Buchsbaum,Andrew P Water Wars/Great Lakes 3 3 2 15 6441001 A vi-Yonah,Reuven S Intra to Inc Tax of Business 8 15 lO 15 56 6451001 Gross,Samuel R Criminal Procedure Survey 9 13 12 6 59 653/001 Onwuachi,Angela I Employment Discrimination 9 13 13 4 51 6571001 Khanna,Vikramaditya S Enterprise Organization 4 15 22 28 22 10 28 135 6621001 Rosenbaum,Mark D Elements of Advocacy 2 9 I I 668100 I Komfield,Susan M Adv Copyright Practice 4 5 2 2 15 6691001 Niehoff,Leonard Marvin Evidence 6 16 23 6 13 78 669/002 Friedman,Richard D Evidence I I 9 16 10 23 80 672/001,002 Payton,Sallyanne Health Law: Regulation 7 2 4 2 22 6731001 Kochen,Madeline Sara Family Law 7 14 13 6 51 6751001 Crane,Daniel A Federal Antitrust 3 I 10 27 6771001 Seinfeld,Gil Federal Courts 4 10 14 10 24 68 679/001 Uhlmann,David M Environmental Law and Policy 4 10 6 6 5 38 682/001 Parson,Edward A Jnt'l Environment Law & Policy 5 7 5 22 683/001 Rosenbaum,Mark D Fourteenth Amendment 4 8 7 4 25 6931001 Reimann,Mathias W Jurisdiction and Choice Of Law lO II 28 20 19 103 693/002 Friedman,Richard D Jurisdiction and Choice Of Law 7 15 7 13 50 7021001 Logue, Kyle D Insurance Law 9 14 2 33 7151001 Mendelson,Nina A Stat lnterp & Legis! Proc 4 12 9 I 31 7221001,002 A vi-Yonah,Reuven S, Consumption Taxes 12 4 5 I 39 7231001 Pritchard,Adam C The Public Corporation 2 4 5 21 7241001 Mathew,Penelope Jntemational Refugee Law 9 II 2 25 7281001 O'Neiii,J udy A Bankruptcy Practicum 3 3 I I 9 731/001 Niehoff,Leonard Marvin Legal Ethics & Prof Resp I 6 8 6 25 56 738100 I Laycock, Douglas Remedies 9 I 4 6 17 43 7431001 Howson,Nicholas Calcina Securities Regulation 2 2 6 2 7 22 7471001 Kahn,Douglas A Taxation of Individual Income I 4 2 3 3 2 I I 17

The following classes are not Total 98 602 744 923 592 234 112 36 53 510 4058

Seminars and Research classes Clinical Classes Classes in which no student received a regular grade (A+ 2111/2010 through E)

II �s �cshtc • JtT ehruarg 24, 2009 �� G rade Summary - Part 1 Fall 2009 Number receiving each grade

Course/ Section Professor Course Name

747/002 Logue, Kyle D Taxation oflndividual Income 749/001 Kahn,Douglas A Corporate Taxation 750/00 I ,002 Bienenstock,Martin Jay Chapter 11 Reorganization 751/001 Dcsimpe\are,James Mark Accounting for Lawyers 754/001 Lutz,Karl E Business Trans Practicurn I 755/001 Waggoner,Lawrence W Trusts and Estates I 756/00J McCrudden,John Christopher Comparative Hum Rgts Law 757/001 Waggoner,Lawrence W Trusts and Estates I I 759/001 Lutz,Karl E Business Trans Practicum II 760/001 Litman,Jessica D Trademarks and Unfair Camp 761/001 Haii.Noah Devan Water Law 785/001 Starr,Sonja Birgitta lnt'l Criminal Law 786/00J Hakimi,Monica Jnt'l Law of War 789/00 I ,002,0 White,James J Secured Trans & Bankruptcy 790/00 I Novak,William J Early Arner Legal History 791/001,002 Gosman,Sara Rollet Toxic Substances/Toxic Torts 792/001 Clark,Shennan J Sports Law 794/001 Frost, Philip M Senior Judge Seminar 11 797/001 Hirshon,Robert Edward Model Rules and Beyond 798/001 Piehi,Anne Morrison Statistics for Lawyers 804/001 Moscow,Cyril Advanced Corporate Law 805/001 Gosman,Sara Rollet Environmental Justice 807/001 Rosenbaum.Mark D Public Interest Litigation 809/001 Adelman,Barry Alan Anatomy of a Deal 814/001 McCruddcn,John Christopher Affirm Act: Int'VComp Dirnens 815/001 Brandwein,Pamela Proseminar in Public Law 817/001 Cody,Mark Allen Disability Law 826/001 Grcen,Saul Adair, Lcvy,Judith E Fair Housing Law & Policy 840/001 Hershovitz,Scott A, Herzog,Don Law & Philosophy 848/00 I Mathew,Penelope Colloquium on lnt Refugee Law 851/001 Green,Thomas A. Novak, William J 865/00 I ,002 Seinfeld,Gil 869/00 I Hirschel,Aiison E 881/001 Ratner,Steven Richard 886/001 Simma,Bruno Eckard 889/001 Frier,Bruce W 890/001 Horwitz,Jill R, Mendelson,Nina A 891/001 Miro,JefTrey H 893/001 Larsen,Joan L 894/001 Regan,Donald H 896/001 Cassard,Richard E 927/001 Newman,Valerie R, Van 928/00J Newman,Valerie R, Van 930/00J Kagan,Neil S

The following classes are not

Seminars and Research classes Clinical Classes

Legal History Workshop Selec Tpcs in Fed Jurisdiction Law and the Elderly Ethics, Justice & Jnt'l Law Impact of Hum Rts on lot Law Roman Law Governance Workshop The Board of Directors Presidential Power Good Life/Government Real Estate Development Crirn Appellate Practice Criminal Appel Pract Field Environmental Law Clinic

Classes in which no student received a regular grade (A+

through E)

Total

4.3 4.0 3.7 3.3 3.0 2.7 2.3 2.0 1.7 1.3 1.0 0.0

A+ A A- B+ B B- C+ c C- D+ D E

7 13 27 7 23

3 2 2 3

3 12 4 7

12 10 23 13 19

6 9 6 I 4 4 17 7 13

6 5

8 l 12

9 13 I I 18

8 5 2 5

7 3 3

I 3 I 7 10 17 14 41

4 6 4 5

9 7 7 2

6 4 4

14

3 6

4 3

l 3

l 4

4

3

6 5

6 10

II 3

9

9

10

98 602 744 923 592 234 112 36 53 510

13 II Class

s Size

86

14

68

87

24

51

16

17

17

68

28

30

15

110

27

44

22

14

22

19

II II 17

]5

I I 13

15

15

14

10

15

10

13

14

10

12

13

15

15

19

18

13

13

10

4058

2/ll/2010

II 14 �� �.es ®.esht.e • Jlf ebruartr 24, zoog II Grade S u m mary - Part 2 Fall 2009 Coun;e/ No. Mean Within Deviation from Grade Guidelines Section Professor Course Name Gr11ded Grade Range? A+ A A- B+ B B- C+ c C-5 1 0/001 Cooper,Edward H Civil Procedure 48 3.22 -I 5 10/002 Clark,B111dford R Civil Procedure 49 3.24 -I -I 520/001 White,James J Contracts 103 3 . 1 8 520/002 Radin,Margaret Jane Contracts 94 3.20 -2 520/003 Kraus,Jody S Contracts 47 3.25 520/004 Crane,Daniel A Contracts 46 3.21 530/001 West,Mark D Criminal Law 98 3.25 -I -4 540/00 1 Larsen,Joan L Intra to Constitutional Law 48 3.25 -I 540/002 Coan,Andrew 8 Intro to Constitutional Law 44 3.23 560100 I ,003 Krier,James E Property 1 80 3.24 560/002 Miller,William 1 Property 95 3.20 -1 580/002 Whitman, Chris Torts 48 3.25 580/003 Horwitz,Jill R Torts49 3.20 580/004 Hcrshovitz,Scott A Tons 47 3.25 580/005 Her.tog,Don Torts 46 3.22 580/001 Clark,Shennan J Torts 94 3.21 -I 601/001 Croley,Stevcn P Administrative Law 30 3.39 high - I -2 -2 606/001 Mortenson,Julian Davis Transnational Law 58 3.31 high 2 -6 -2 606/002 Ratner,Steven Richard Transnational Law 58 3.21 - I -I 607/001 Sankaran,Vivck S Children and the Law 22 3.52 high - I -2 -I 61 2/001 Kantor,Allyn David Alt Dispute Resolution 24 3.52 high -2 -2 - I 6 1 6/001 Miller, Wilham I Blood feuds 44 3.40 high -3 - I 628/001 Kantor,AIIyn David Environmental ADR 1 8 3.92 high -3 -4 -I - I 629/001 Lutz,Karl E Law Fim1s and Legal Careers 33 3.29 high -2 630/001,002 Sinuna,Bruno Eckard Public International Law 9 3.38 high -2 - I 63 1 /001 Regan,Donald H Intra Con Law & Am Legal Pro 33 3.56 high -5 -3 -2 634/001 Buchsbaum.Andrew P Water Wars/Great Lakes 1 3 3.48 high -I -I 644/00 1 Avi�Yonah,Reuven S Intra to Inc Tax of Business 40 3.36 high I - I -2 645/001 Gross,Samuel R Criminal Procedure Survey 52 3.25 -I 653/001 Onwuachi,Angela I Employment Discrimination 46 3.28 high 657/00 I Khanna, Vikramaditya S Enterprise Organization 105 3.36 high -3 662/00 I Rosenbaum,Mark D Elements of Advocacy I I 3.75 high -3 -2 - I - I 668/001 Komfield,Susan M Adv Copyright Practice I S 3.71 high -2 -I - I -I 669/002 Friedman,Richard D Evidence 54 3.41 high -I -I 669/001 Niehoff,Leonard Marvin Evidence 64 3.29 high -7 672/00 I ,002 Payton,Sallyanne Health Law: Regulation IS 3.81 high -3 -I -I 673/001 Kochen,Madeline Sara Family Law 44 3.59 high -3 -4 -2 675/001 Crane,Daniel A Federal Antitrust 1 7 3 . 1 9 - I I 677/001 Seinfeld,Gil Federal Courts 43 3 . 3 1 high 3 -2 -2 679/001 Uhlmann,David M Environmental Law and Policy 32 3.37 high -2 -I -2 682/001 Parson,Edward A Int'l Environment Law & Policy 2 1 3.54 high -2 - I 683/001 Rosenbaum,Mark D Fourteenth Amendment 1 9 3.62 high -4 -2 - I 693/002 Friedman,Richard D Jurisdiction and Choice Of Law 36 3.36 high -I -2 -2 693/001 Reimann,Mathias W Jurisdiction and Choice Of Law 82 3.27 high - I 702/001 Logue,Kyle D Insurance Law 31 3.38 high -5 - I 7 15/001 Mcndelson,Nina A Stat lnterp & Legis! Proc 27 3.55 high -5 - I - I 722/00 I ,002 Avi-Yonah,Reuven S, Consumption Taxes 23 3.77 high -I -4 -2 - I 723/001 Pritchard,Adam C The Public Corporation 2 1 3.23 I 724/001 Mathew,Penelope International Refugee Law 24 3.76 high -4 -5 - I -I 728/001 O'Neili,Judy A Bankruptcy Practicum 9 3.74 high -1 - I -I 731/001 Niehoff, Leonard Marvin Legal Ethics & Prof Resp 29 3 . 1 8 -I 738/001 Laycock,Douglas Remedies 26 3.35 high -2 -3 743/001 Howson,Nicholas Calcina Securities Regulation I S 3.39 high I -I -I 747/001 Kahn, Douglas A Taxation of Individual Income 1 7 3 . 3 1 high - I - I 747/002 Logue,Kyle D Taxation of Individual Income 60 3.32 high -6 -2 -3 749/001 Kahn, Douglas A Corporate Taxation 1 2 3.50 high - I - I 750/00 I ,002 Bienenstock,Martin Jay Chapter 1 1 Reorganization 27 3.51 high -3 -2 - I 7 5 1 /001 Desimpclare,James Mark Accounting for Lawyers 64 3.35 high I -2 - I 754/001 Lutz,Karl E Business Trans Practicum 1 22 3.64 high 5 -4 -2 - I 755/001 Waggoner,Lawrence W Trusts and Estates I 37 3.30 high -I -I -I 756/001 McCrudden,John Christopher Comparative Hum Rgts Law 1 6 3.69 high 3 -3 - I -I 757/00 I Waggoner,Lawrence W Trusts and Estates JI 16 3.66 high -3 -I -I 759/00 I Lutz,Karl E Business Trans Practicum I1 1 7 3.79 high -4 -4 -I -I

Key: No. Graded · The number of students in the class receiving grades A+ through E Mean Grade - Based on the No. Graded (rather than the Class Size) Within range? - Based on the guidelines for Mean Grade: 3 . 1 3 minimum; 3 . 1 9 target� 3.25 maximum Deviation from Grade Guidelines 2'1 1/2010 <blank> : the number of students receiving that grade within the target range

II �£s ®£sht£ Grade Sum mary - Part 2 Course/ Section Professor Course Name 760/00 1 Litman,Jcssica D Trademarks and Unfair Comp 761/001 Hall,Noah Devan Water Law 7851001 Starr,Sonja Birgitta lnt'l Criminal Law 7861001 Hakimi,Monica lnt'l Law of War 789/001 .002,0 White.James 1 Secured Trans & Bankruptcy 790/00 1 Novak, William J Early Amer Legal History 791/001 ,002 Gosman,Sara Rollet Toxic Substancesrfoxic Torts 792/00 I Clark,Sherman J Sports Law 794/001 Frost,Philip M Senior Judge Seminar II 797/001 Hirshon,Robert Edward Model Rules and Beyond 798/001 Piehi,Anne Morrison Statistics for Lawyers 402/001 Kochen,Madcline Sara Public Interest Colloquium 403/001 Piehl,Annc Morrison Sentencing Law and Policy 4041001 Kethledge,Raymond M Supreme Crt Thry & Pract 405100 I Onwuachi,Angcla I Race, Law, and Society 406/00 1 Tucker,Stefan Tax Plan for Real Est Trans 407100 1 ,002,0 Coopcr,Edward H Teach the Prof: Oil&Gas Law 4081001 Boehning,H Christopher Litigation Strategy 4091001 Feller,Leonid, Tukel,Jonathan Fed Jnvestig and Prosecution 4 1 0/001 Leamer,Howard Alan Energy Law and Climate Change 804/001 Moscow,Cyril Advanced Corporate Law 805/001 Gosman,Sara Rollet Environmental Justice 807/00 I Rosenbaum,Mark D Public Interest Litigation 809/001 Adelman, Barry Alan Anatomy of a Deal 8 1 4/001 McCrudden,John Christopher Affirm Act: Int'l/Comp Dimens 8 1 5/001 Brandwein, Pamela Proseminar in Public Law 8 1 7/001 Cody,Mark Allen Disability Law 826/001 Grcen,Saul Adair, Levy,Judith E Fair Housing Law & Policy 840/00 1 Hcrshovitz.Scott A, Herzog, Don Law & Philosophy 848/001 Mathew,Penelope Colloquium on lnt Refugee Law 85 1/001 Green,Thomas A, Legal History Workshop 865/00 I ,002 Seinfeld,Gil Sclcc Tpcs in Fed Jurisdiction 869/001 Hirschel,Aiison E Law and the Elderly 881/001 Ratner,Steven Richard Ethics, Justice & Jnl'l Law 886/001 Simrna,Bruno Eckard Impact of Hum Rts on lnt Law 889/001 Frier,Bruce W Roman Law 890/001 Horwitz,Jill R, Mendelson,Nina A Governance Workshop 891/001 Miro,Jeffrey H The Board of Directors 893/001 Lan.en.Joan L Presidential Power 894/001 Regan,Donald H Good Life/Government 896/001 Cassard,Richard E Real Estate Development 927/001 Newman, Valerie R, Van Crim Appellate Practice 9281001 Newman, Valerie R, Van Criminal Appel Pract Field 930/001 Kagan,Neil S Environmental Law Clinic

Key: No. Graded - The number of students in the class receiving grades A+ through E Mean Grade - Based on the No. Graded (rather than the Class Size) Within range? - Based on the guidelines for Mean Grade: 3 . 1 3 minimum; 3 . 1 9 target; 3.25 maximum Deviation from Grade Guidelines <blank> : the number of students receiving that grade within the target range

• Jlf chruar11 24, 2009

Fall 2009 No. Mean Within

Graded Grade Range? 44 3.29 high 23 3.67 high 26 3.40 high 14 3.63 high 63 3.24 22 3.59 high 26 3.60 high 22 3.59 high 14 4.00 high 1 9 3.28 high 16 3.63 high 14 3.86 n/a n/a 10 3.70 n/a n/a 1 3 3.66 n/a n/a 12 3.79 n/a n/a 12 3.88 n/a n/a 10 3.94 n/a n/a 24 3.74 n/a n/a 20 3.61 n/a n/a I I 3.67 n/a n/a

9 3.82 n/a n/a I I 3.70 n/a n/a

3.74 n/a n/a 15 3.60 n/a n/a

2 4.00 n/a n/a 8 3.79 n/a n/a

14 3.91 n/a n/a 1 5 3.99 n/a n/a 1 3 3.66 n/a n/a 10 3.84 n/a n/a 1 5 3.85 n/a n/a

6 3.82 n/a n/a 1 1 3.79 n/a n/a

3.61 n/a n/a 3.57 n/a n/a

I I 3.74 n/a n/a 13 3.73 n/a n/a 14 3.57 n/a n/a 13 3.78 n/a n/a 16 3.8 1 n/a n/a 1 8 3.9 1 nla n/a 13 3.9 1 n/a n/a 13 3.91 n/a n/a 1 0 4.00 n/a n/a

� .... 15 II Deviation from Grade Guidelines

A+ A A- B+ B B- C+ c C-2 - I 4 - I -3 -2 - I 2 -2 - I

-3 -I -I I

-2 - 1 -I - I -3 - I - I

4 -2 -2 -I 1 2 -2 -4 -3 -I -I I I -4 3 2 2 -I -2 - I - I

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2/1 1/201 0

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