Unconditional Responsibility

The Victim/Player scenario

Wayne Boxall

The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge, while an

ordinary man takes everything as a curse. (Don Juan)

A Scenario

“You’re late, Al,” says John with a grimace. “Again.”

John is the procurement vice president for Al’s largest client, and he is clearly not a happy customer.

“I’m sorry, John, my previous meeting ran over. The client was late and everything got delayed.”

Al’s explanation doesn’t appease John. “It’s not the meeting, Al, it’s the delivery. We are still waiting for your shipment, the one that was supposed to arrive last week!”

Scenario Cont’d

“Well, that’s not my fault,” says Al. “The freight company dropped the ball. They screwed up the paperwork and delayed the whole thing.”

“I don’t give a damn whose fault is it. We can’t afford delays. Our plant is starved for parts: your parts.”

Al leaves John’s office muttering under his breath, “I’m not responsible for my previous meeting running over or for the shipping company’s mistake. He’s blaming me for problems I didn’t create. People are so unfair..

Response-ability

• Ability to respond to a situation

• Offer – buy or not to buy

• Respond to a complaint – listen or argue

• Unconditional− Responses not determined by external circumstances or instinct

• Lets you focus on those aspects of the situation that you can influence

• Card player− Complaining and making excuses for your cards

− Or choice on how you play your cards and doing your best with what you got.

Why did the pen fall?

Preventing the pen from falling?

• Don’t drop it! – taking responsibility - Player

• Stop gravity???? – blaming external circumstances - Victim

Defining the victim vs the player

• No one is simply a victim or a player – changes based on circumstances

• Player− Take responsibility

− Self-empowering

− In the game and can affect the result

• Victim− No responsibility

− Self-disempowering

− Suffer consequences of others’ actions

− Pays attention only to those factors he cannot influence

An example…

• When an account executive-as-victim loses a client, he immediately claims that the shipping department did not deliver on time. This may also be true, but overlooks the fact that he may have failed to ask the shipping department if it could meet the deadline.

• If the account executive were a player, he would choose to focus on his contribution to the problem, that is, on the ungrounded commitment that led to the late shipment and consequent loss of the customer.

Factors that are beyond your control….

• Player− Focus on the ones within your control

• Victim− Focus on those beyond your control

Using the language of a player

• Instead of focusing on the event, you can acknowledge that you did not anticipate the possibility.

− “I did not anticipate that there could be a traffic jam”

− “I did not foresee that the weather could turn nasty”

− “I didn’t think that our suppliers could fail to deliver on time,”

− “I underestimated the risk of the project.”

Changing the wording, reflects change in attitude

VICTIM

• It’s hopeless

• Someone should take the first step

• It can’t be done

• You make me angry

• I have to leave

• I don’t have time

PLAYER

• I haven’t found a solution

• I could take the first step and get things started

• I choose not to do it

• When you speak that way it makes me angry

• I want to leave

• I prefer to focus on other priorities

How to provoke victim responses…

• What happened to you?

• Who wronged you?

• What was wrong (or unfair) about what he did to you?

• Why do you think he did this to you?

• What should he have done instead?

• What should he do now to repair the damage?

• How should he be punished?

And a player…..

• What challenge did you face?

• How did you contribute (by acting or not acting) to create this situation?

• How did you respond to the challenge?

• Can you think of a more effective course of action you could have taken?

• Could you have made some reasonable preparations to reduce the risk or the impact of the situation?

• Can you do something now to minimize or repair the damage?

• What can you learn from this experience?

Back to the scenario….

• Own the situation

• Make it right

• Offer a solution

• Take responsibility

My favourite saying…..

Waiting to talk is not listening……

Bibliography

Conscious Business: How to Build Values through Values− Fred Kofman