Velcro Versus the Wizard

VELCRO VERSUS THE WIZARD

MUSIC: NEWTDICK RIFFS TO OPEN THE SHOW

SOUND: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

NARRATOR

Welcome ghouls and goons, monsters and mooks, to

another edition of The Velcro Audiosseys! The Halloween

season brings with it a special adventure for Velcro

and his pals, so prepare yourself for a feast of fear

in Velcro Versus the Wizard!

SOUND: AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

NARRATOR

As a blanket of darkness set upon Hooeytown USA, its

denizens prepared for a night of festive revelry. Our

story begins in the family adobe of Velcro Fathoms as

his mother puts the final touches on his holiday garb.

VELCRO

BZzzZZZ BZZZZzzzzZZ BZZZZ

MOM

UNINTELLIGIBLE SCREAM

VELCRO

Aw Mom how can I hold still when I’m so excited about

my bumble bee costume

MOM

UNINTELLIGIBLE SCREAM

VELCRO

Golly look you got my wings clipped on and I look so

sassy, ready for the trick N treats.

MOM

UNINTELLIGIBLE SCREAMS

VELCRO

Thanks Mama! Chee how I love you. BZZZzzZZZ BZZZzzz

Imma bee Imma bee Imma bumble bumble bumble bee.

RAD BRAD

Boogety Boogety Boo!

SOUND: AUDIENCE GASPS

2.

RAD BRAD

S’up Dog!

VELCRO

Hey, it’s my coolest pal Rad Brad! You snuck into my

house and gave a fright!

RAD BRAD

That I did dawg. It’s all hollows eve, an occasion for

japes N goofs an shit.

VELCRO

Then I guess it’s alright, but good thing my Mom sewed

padded lining into my costume, I squirt a little when

scurred!

RAD BRAD

Damn Ms Fathoms. Ya made a fine costume indeed. May I

say you put the honey in that baby bee?

MOM

SCREECH!

RAD BRAD

And may I say you’re lookin mighty fetching tonight Ms

Fathoms?

MOM

SCREECH!

RAD BRAD

Well thank you. It’s like I always say, "Don’t playa

hate... pollinate!"

VELCRO

Chee, what the heck is your costume s’posed to be

anyhow Rad Brad? It looks like what I’m not s’posed to

see when my Dad does sit ups.

RAD BRAD

This? I’m a California raisin homey. It’s a dope

costume cause I can keep my shades on.

SOUND: AUDIENCE "DEAL WITH IT"

RAD BRAD

Aight rogue, we best hit the street to get our tricks n

treats. You know Rad Brad gotsta get his.

MOM

SCREECH

3.

VELCRO

Yeah Mom I have my flashlight and jape whistle, we’ll

see you in a lil while!

RAD BRAD

Peep ya later Ms Fathoms!

SOUND: DOOR SFX

SOUND: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

MUSIC: NEWTDICK JAMS TO SEGUE

NARRATOR

And so Rad Brad and Velcro begin their journey to fill

their sacks with sugar. But across town the local

hooligans, the Bruise Crew, commence to meet in their

clubhouse, led by billy bash.

SOUND: AUDIENCE YAMMERS

BILLY BASH

Okay youse guys okay! I’m calling this here meeting to

order, so y’all listen good..okay?! Firstly, lets take

role. Secretary Dr. Scab.

DR SCAB

Right here boss!

BILLY BASH

Okays. Treasurer Fingers?

FINGERS

Present and accounting for.

BILLY BASH

Accounting for what?

FINGERS

The dues boss.

BILLY BASH

Hey! I’m the say so around here, I lay out all the

do’s... and don’ts for that matter. Now, moving on,

where’s my head of security Smashin Suzy?

SUZY

Here Johnny!

BILLY BASH

Alright so lets get to it gang. This is Halloween. The

night for tricks and treats right? And while the Bruise

Crew is not known to be sweet, we got plenty of tricks

up our sleeves, do I hear you?

4.

SOUND: AUDIENCE YEAHS

BILLY BASH

Will we be clobbering nimrods?!

SOUND: AUDIENCE YEAHS

BILLY BASH

Will we be housing tipi’s?!

SOUND: AUDIENCE "NO THAT’S RACIALLY INSENSITIVE"

BILLY BASH

Pardon me... Will we be tee peeing houses?

SOUND: AUDIENCE YEAHS

BILLY BASH

Will we be smashing pumpkins To-nigh-I-ight?!

SOUND: AUDIENCE YEAHS

BILLY BASH

Good. I think we’re ready. But there’s just one more

thing. Should we run into Velcro Fathoms or any of his

pals and cohorts, we are going to pay them special

attention, ya hear. I intend to give that goober a

fright he wont soon forget! (devious laugh)

SOUND: AUDIENCE:DUN DUN DUNNNNNN

MUSIC: NEWTDICK JAM TRANSITION

NARRATOR

Uh oh, looks like their may be trouble for Velcro and

Rad Brad. Up to this point their evening had been

rather uneventful as they went door to door ringing

bells and claiming spoils. Let’s rejoin them just as

they run into their old pal Goosh Goosh the monkey.

VELCRO

Golly! It’s our pal Goosh Goosh the monkey! Hai Goosh

Goosh.

GOOSH GOOSH

Hi Velcro, hi Rad Brad.

RAD BRAD

S’up G.

VELCRO

Looks like your trick N treating too, but your not even

sporting a costume.

5.

GOOSH GOOSH

And why should I? I just tell all these dumb fucks I’m

a normal kid dressed as a monkey!

VELCRO

Well Chee! That’s not quite in the proper spirit!

GOOSH GOOSH

Ah balogna! I’ll tell ya the real thrill...normally

folks spect me to wear clothes, but while pretending to

be in a monkey costume I can walk around fully nude.

RAD BRAD

Damn, you is nude! That’s nasty. I thought at first you

were carrying a bruised banana.

VELCRO

Say, why don’tcha join us on the trick n treat trail

Goosh Goosh.

GOOSH GOOSH

Sure thing!

VELCRO

Lets visit this house right here.

RAD BRAD

Hold up y’all. My folks say to avoid this house, dude

that lives here is a pedophile or some shit.

VELCRO

Aw shaw! My Mom says not to be intolerant of people of

different religions, so come on!

RAD BRAD

Aighight.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS, DOORBELL , DOOR OPEN

VELCRO RAD BRAD GOOSH GOOSH (IN UNISON)

Trick N Treat!!

PEDO PETE

Oh. Goodness me. Hello boys... So you would like a

treat?

VELCRO

Well chee, that is the customary conclusion to this

traditional ritual.

PEDO PETE

Yes it is. Your costumes are so lovely. I love that

handsome little banana young man.

6.

GOOSH GOOSH

Uh, thanks I guess? Your ballerina tutu is pretty nice

as well.

PEDO PETE

(giggle) Well onto our treats I suppose boys.

SOUND: SWOOHSING NOISE AND THEN POP POP POP (HANDING NOISES)

PEDO PETE

Here you are. Large, juicy, red, firm, sumptuous

apples.

VELCRO

Uh thanks sir.

PEDO PETE

You should eat them now.

GOOSH GOOSH

Sure enough. I love an apple!

SOUND: BITING INTO APPLE SOUND

PEDO PETE

The rest of you too.

VELCRO

If it’s the same to you I’d rather save it for later.

PEDO PETE

Make a foolish man happy, I like watching my apples be

enjoyed.

RAD BRAD

Back off homey. I aint eatin nuthin what don’t have

preservatives!

SOUND: FALLING DOWN SOUNDS

VELCRO

Jimminy! Goosh Goosh has passed out cold.

PEDO PETE

Oh my however could that have happened. You should

bring him inside to be attended to.

VELCRO

Heck no mister! Lets get outta here Rad Brad.

SOUND: SWOOSH

7.

RAD BRAD

I gots Goosh Goosh thrown over my shoulder as if my

ears hung low, lets kick rocks.

SOUND: RUNNING, HUFFING AND PUFFING

VELCRO

That creepy man poisoned Goosh Goosh or somethin.

RAD BRAD

My moms was right, pedophiles aint no good. Guess it is

coo to employ religious bigotry in some cases.

VELCRO

Lets head towards that house on the corner and call for

help. What’s the emergency number again?

RAD BRAD

It’s 9 1 1. Never forget that Velcro. Never.

VELCRO

Oh no! This house is the creepy ole mansion all us kids

are spooked by.

RAD BRAD

Oh snaps! Legend tells the master of the house is a

practitioner of the dark arts, the wizard Fargone!

VELCRO

Gulp. Well whatever he is there is no time to spare.

Goosh Goosh is in a sorry state and needs help stat.

Lets just face our fears and hope the inhabitants of

this domicile are nice.

RAD BRAD

We at the door but I cant see a bell no wheres!

VELCRO

Look here’s a brass dragon head on the door with a

giant nose ring lemme give it a wrap.

RAD BRAD

Wait! You’re the DJ I’m the rapper. Lemme do it.

SOUND: LARGE DOOR WRAPPING, DOOR CREAKING AND SLOWLY OPENING

SOUND: AUDIENCE DUN DUN DUNNNNNN

WIZARD FARGONE

Greetings.

8.

RAD BRAD

Fresh. You aint a wizard. You just look like a regular

kinda old man.

VELCRO

Say Mister, couldja help us out? Our lil pal Goosh

Goosh--

WIZARD FARGONE

--Hold it hold it! I didn’t hear a trick or treat!

VELCRO

Chee sir, we’re in a big rush, our pal Goosh Goosh has

been poisoned. Can we use your phone?

FARGONE

I have not a phone. But a regular kind of man like

myself might have a few other tricks up his sleeve.

VELCRO

Tricks? Sleeve? D’ya mean to say yer a wizard after

all?

FARGONE

Of course I am! Just imagine- if regular mortals dress

like a wizard on Halloween, what might a Wizard dress

like?

VELCRO

What? A naked monkey?

RAD BRAD

Yo this is whack Velcro, lets peace out!

FARGONE

You will do nothing of the sort!

SOUND: ZAP AND SMOKE SOUND

SOUND: AUDIENCE GASPS

MUSIC: NEWTDICK

NARRATOR

Oh my goodness, how suspenseful right?! I know! This is

just the height of drama. Before we find out who’s

standing behind that door, let me direct your attention

to the nearby bushes where Billy Bash and his Bruise

Crew cohorts- whom have been following our heroes- now

lurk and surely have a dastardly plot up their sleeves.

9.

SUZY

We sure been lurking a good long while.

BILLY BASH

Yes, but our plan is now afoot.

DR SCAB

A foot? Do you mean to say its stinky?

BILLY BASH

Shut up or I’ll clobber you. This plan is going to

unfold okay? Here’s what we’re gonna do. Weez gonna

sneak round this house in through the back entrance,

find those goobers and we’re gonna rough em up real

nice.

FINGERS

But boss. Did you see all that smoke? It’s like they

say, the guy what lives here is a wizard or something.

I think he disappeared them.

BILLY BASH

Hey are you yellow or something? This is Halloween,

that was just some kinda trick. This is like wanna

those haunted house gimmicks or something. But weez

gunna sneak in and give them all the real scare.

DR SCAB

I dunno Boss. I’ve heard things.

BILLY BASH

Hear this youse. Youse all will do as I say or face a

fate worse than clobberin. Cappesh?

DR SCAB, FINGERS, SUZY

Yeah boss!

BILLY BASH

Now listen up. First...weez gonna wet willy em!

SOUND: AUDIENCE "YEAHS"

BILLY BASH

Then weez gunna box their ears!

SOUND: AUDIENCE "YEAHS"

SUZY

How about wedgies boss?

BILLY BASH

Wedgies, oh yeah we’ll give them wedgies. But for the

coup de grace. We’ll be giving Velcro and his pack of

(MORE)

10.

BILLY BASH (cont’d)goons nudgies until they cry. (EViL LAUGH) So just

follow me, we’ll sneak in round the back and give em a

fright they wont soon forget.

SOUND: AUDIENCE DUN DUN DUNNNNNN

MUSIC: NEWTDICK JAM TRANSITION

VELCRO

Okay mister, you got us into your creepy wizard

mansion, now can you help us out please?

WIZARD FARGONE

Hmmm, I may have an incantation that will help your

handsome little friend Goosh Goosh.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"Upon night of fiends, upon night of ghouls,

3 friends quest for sugar jewels.

One boy stupid, one boy cool. One boy hairy and also

nude.

In deep slumber reached through turn of chance.

To solution find, be not askance,

if you dare its in your grasp, just reach inside the

wizards pants!"

VELCRO

Alright! Ya got a serum or something in there, I’ll

just reach in and--

RAD BRAD

--Damn Velcro! Don’t go in there! This guy nasty too.

WIZARD FARGONE

What?! It cant be in my pants? But you’d probably

believe me if I said something about a newts eye right?

VELCRO

Lets just cut out the malarkey mister, our pal here is

in dire straits, can ya help us or not?

WIZARD FARGONE

Okay okay. I’ll help you out. Besides the antidote,

which truly is inside of my pants...there are

ingredients for a brew on the table over there, buried

deep within the wizard boxes. I warn you, this task

will not be for the faint of heart. I dare you now to

reach within the 3 boxes, and pull the contents out

(MORE)

11.

WIZARD FARGONE (cont’d)from within, if you have the heart to complete this

task I can cure your friend.

RAD BRAD

What the fuck? You just happen to have the ingredients

to cure Goosh Goosh even though ya don’t know what’s

wrong with him?

VELCRO

C’mon Rad Brad, we just have to do it, we have no time

to lose. Here I’ll reach inside the first box...

SOUND: SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH

VELCRO

This box has a bunch of spaghetti in it--

WIZARD FARGONE

That’s not spaghetti!Its brains!

VELCRO

Nah this is spaghetti I’d know it anywhere...it’s my

favorite finger food...Ah here we go, there is a little

vile within!

RAD BRAD

Dope! I’ll reach inside the second box...I know this

one! This box is populated with a cute gerbil!

WIZARD FARGONE

It is not a cute Gerbil! It’s a ferocious rabies

infested rat!

RAD BRAD

Nah dog, this a gerbil for sheez. An here. I have

retrieved the vile from this box.

WIZARD FARGONE

Blasts!

VELCRO

Okay pal, just one more box to go then the cure for

Goosh Goosh is at hand!

NARRATOR

But just then dear listeners our hero and the Wizard

Fargone were due a surprise

SOUND: AUDIENCE "GHOST WOOO’S"

12.

RAD BRAD

Oh snaps!

VELCRO

Ahhhhhh! It’s a bunch of sheeted monsters!

WIZARD FARGONE

Monsters! Neigh those are spirits! Perhaps the spirits

of my defeated nemesisisis past!

BILLY BASH

Listen heres youse, we’re a pack of ghosts and we’re

gunna clobber y’all! Come here Velcro!

SOUND: TUSSLING

VELCRO

AAAAAHHHHHH! Help someone! This ghost has a sloppy wet

pinky in my ear!

RAD BRAD

Do somethin wizard!

WIZARD FARGONE

But what could I do, it is obvious these spirits

harness a power much greater than my own!

VELCRO

Ahhhhhhh!

RAD BRAD

If you aint fin ta do sumthin I will then.

SOUND: STRUGGLE AND TUSSLE

VELCRO

Rad Brad! You pulled off the sheet and this isn’t a

ghost but the neighborhood bully Billy Bash!

BILLY BASH

That’s right! And with me the entire Bruise Crew! We

don’t need disguises anyhow, we’re gunna give y’all a

clobberin like you aint never seen before!

VELCRO

Yikes, what am I to do!

WIZARD FARGONE

My oh my! Billy Bash you say? What a handsome young man

you are, and all your lovely cohorts as well.

13.

BILLY BASH

It’s time to start shaking in your boots mister, cause

you’re gunna get the Bruise Crew treatment too.

WIZARD FARGONE

I think not, for you see chance has favored to bring me

so many lovely specimens of youthful loveliness. I

shall conjure a spell to keep you all here forever

more!

RAD BRAD

Ah snaps, you just as creepy as that pedophile from

next door, if not more so!

WIZARD FARGONE

Well of course I am you mortal fool! For I am a

pedophile too!

VELCRO

Oh no! the religious extremism of pedophilia seems to

be spreading!

WIZARD FARGONE

You silly children had the poor judgement to trick or

treat on the only street that is the required distance

from schools and other public institutions. This entire

street in Hooeytown is populated by deviants!

Hahahahaha.

BILLY BASH

I’ve heard enough! Bruise Crew, attack this creep!

SOUND: CHARGING SOUNDS

WIZARD FARGONE

I think not!

SOUND: ZAPPING

RAD BRAD

Snaps! He frozed dem all in place!

WIZARD FARGONE

Yes I did... for they are to be my dessert while you

little ones are my appetizer and entree!

GOOSH GOOSH

AI AI AI. My head hurts, whats goin on?!

VELCRO

Goosh Goosh! You’ve awoke naturally!

14.

RAD BRAD

Right as shits got critical too!

WIZARD FARGONE

Good, you’ve awoken to join our party little monkey

boy.

VELCRO

This guy here is a wizard Goosh Goosh and a pedophile

too!

GOOSH GOOSH

Oh no, whyd I even wake up, this shits outta hand.

WIZARD FARGONE

Come here now, Wizard Fargone is going to share his

magic wand.

GOOSH GOOSH

Just blow you’re jape whistle Velcro and lets get outta

here!

RAD BRAD

What goods a little whistle going to do?! This is

hopeless.

WIZARD FARGONE

A little whistle won’t stop me!

GOOSH GOOSH

Just do it! Blow the whistle!

VELCRO

Well okay. (WHISTLE)

WIZARD FARGONE

Oh. Ouch.

GOOSH GOOSH

Blow the whistle!

VELCRO

(WHISTLE)

WIZARD FARGONE

Oh no! Stop it, it hurts!!!

RAD BRAD

Blow the whistle!

VELCRO

(WHISTLES)

15.

WIZARD FARGONE

NOoooo! I am being defeated! What strange powers do you

children posess! Nooooo! I suppose my defeat is what I

actually always hoped for anyways! OUCH! I suppose I

should thank you! ARRRGHHH. GULP. GERP. DIE.

MUSIC: SLOUGH FEG JAMS

SOUND: AUDIENCE CHEERS

VELCRO

Well, we did it guys! We defeated an evil wizard and

had a great tirck N Treatin Halloween too!

RAD BRAD

Hellz yeah! But why’d we drag these Bruise Crew

hooligans back to their headquarters in their posicle

form?

VELCRO

Rad Brad, dontcha see? Yeah the Bruise Crew is a bunch

of terrible hooligans...but this is Halloween, the most

hallowed night of the year. It’s a time to celebrate

the pranksters, a time when tricks are seen for what

they are, the universal expression of love for all

humankind.

GOOSH GOOSH

Rigghhhhhtttt. Velcro your thick headed optimism never

seases to amaze me.

RAD BRAD

Goosh Goosh, how did you know Velcro’s jape whistle

would defeat the Wizard Fargone.

GOOSH GOOSH

Didn’t you know? The jape whistle aint no normal

whistle, but one that enables Deux Ex Machina- a

solution to insurmountable conflict!

RAD BRAD

What the hell? That seems lazy and implausible! I aint

gonna subscribe to that concept!

GOOSH GOOSH

But why not! It does wonders for moving an adventure

along! Just see what I mean, Velcro why don’t you blow

the whistle right now!

VELCRO

Sure! Since I’m immune to the powers of suggestion!

(WHISTLES)

16.

RAD BRAD

Dizznap! Peep it, Billy Bash and the Bruise Crew is

thawing out!

GOOSH GOOSH

Just like I said, a new development in our Halloween

adventure!

BILLY BASH

Huh?! Whats the big idea? Where’d that pervy wizard go>

VELCRO

Hey Billy Bash, we defeated the wizard with the power

of my jape whistle. A coupla toots and he went up in a

puff of smoke!

BILLY BASH

You mean ta say you and your sorry crew of nimrods did

what the Bruise Crew couldn’t.

RAD BRAD

Damn straight dog! We pulverized that pervy pedo!

BILLY BASH

Welz, Im at a loss of character. In light of tonights

transpirations, I’m raising the white flag, an callin a

truce between the Bruise Crew and youse dorks!

AUDIENCE AS BRUISE CREW "NOOO"

VELCRO

Chee! That’s swell of you Billy Bash.

BILLY BASH

Yes it is. Just don’t spect this act of kindness to

extend much further. Just youse wait you geeks. Come

Thanksgiving the Bruise Crew is gonna show youse all

something to be thankful for.

VELCRO

Alright!!

SOUND: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

MUSIC: NEWTDICK JAMS TO SEGUE

NARRATOR

Well friends, hows that for a festie Halloween

adventure! Personally I found making light of sexual

abuse and predators to be distasteful, but then again

it seems all of Velcro’s inane adventures leave a sour

taste in my mouth. Nonetheless we’ve all survived

another edition of The Velcro Audiosseys! And a

horrifying one at that, take care dear friends.