Velcro Joins A Cult

By

Jarred Hodgdon

EXT. CITY STREET SIDEWALK - DAY

SHERM and WALLA, gutter hippies that look like they survived

the apocalypse, attempt to pass fliers out to passersby.

WALLA

It’s been 6 months since we found a

new recruit.

SHERM

Prophecy requires 92 believers

before the shift.

WALLA

Or the arrival of the one that

would depose Master,the special one

with ultimate slouch.

SHERM

Such a person would shatter the

cloak from the eyes of the masses,

and the era of slouch could

commense.

WALLA

But we mustn’t speak of such

things.

EXT. HARDWAY GROCERY STORE - DAY

The entry to the store is blocked by a fierce grizzly bear.

A patron runs from the store screaming, with glass shards

sticking out of their face.

PATRON

Owwwwwww!

INT. HARDWAY GROCERY STORE - DAY

Velcro stands in the checkout isle.

VELCRO

I think I’ve acquired all my

purchases for the day.

Velcro holds up a box of Tampons.

VELCRO

Ear swabs.

He holds up a bunch of onions with caramel on them.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

VELCRO

Caramel-ized onions.

VELCRO

Buncha bandanananas.

He holds up a bunch of bananas with bandana patterns on

them.

Approaching the checkout CLERK, she looks at him like he’s

an asshole.

CLERK

Next.

Velcro hands over his goods.

VELCRO

Yes hello, I’d like to tender a

transaction.

CLERK

Some of this junk is on sale, do

you have a Hardway Klub Kard?

VELCRO

No, whats that?!

CLERK

Here. Fill this out.

The clerk hands Velcro an application. He grabs it,

hurriedly fills it in and hands it back.

The Clerk looks it over. She pouts her lips and looks Velcro

up and down.

CLERK

Hmmmm. Velcro Fathoms huh?

The Clerk looks down a list with the heading "Undesirables",

she finds the name Velcro Fathoms.

CLERK

Says here you’re riffraff. Sorry

pal no dice.

VELCRO

Ah Chee.

The manager approaches.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

MANAGER

Is everything alright here?

CLERK

Yeah boss. Just helping some

riffraff.

MANAGER

We don’t want any trouble sir.

Please just pay for your goods and

go.

Velcro looks sad.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Velcro walks dejected down the street.

VELCRO

Gee whiz. There isn’t one club,

association, click or crew that’ll

count me as a member.

Velcro kicks a can. Continues to stroll.

VELCRO

I couldn’t get a library

card...didn’t pass the literacy

test.

Velcro kicks a can. Continues to stroll.

VELCRO

No bank account. My moneys no good

there they said.

Velcro kicks a can. Continues to stroll.

VELCRO

Not even a drivers license. At the

DMV they said all I could drive was

them crazy!

Velcro kicks a small dog. Continues to stroll sadly.

Sherm and Walla appear as Velcro approaches them. They hold

out fliers to Velcro as he approaches.

SHERM

Yoo-hoo weary traveler.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

WALLA

Secede from your dark worries and

the harsh judgment of societies

plebes.

Velcro receives the flier in hand.

INSERT FLYER: SLOUCH - The new approach to thrive

VELCRO

Slouch eh? This looks like a club

or something

SHERM

It’s so much more. It’s an answer

to all that ails. I am Sherm, and

this is Walla. What is your name

friend?

VELCRO

Well. I’m Velcro Fathoms. But it

seems like most folks don’t want me

in their organization.

WALLA

Velcro. That’s not the Slouch way.

I assure you, the wide arms of

Slouch would welcome you.

VELCRO

Chee. That sounds swell!

The three clasp hands and project upwards, flying into the

sky.

SHERM

Then we’ll go to the master.

INT. HALLWAY TO MASTER SLOUCHS’ APARTMENT - NIGHT

The three stand before the door to the apartment.

WALLA

Don’t stand in awe before Master

Slouch.

SHERM

His presence is great, but pomp and

propriety is not the path of

Slouch.

5.

INT. MASTER SLOUCHS’ APARTMENT - NIGHT

MASTER SLOUCH, seated like a king on his couch, sips a lager

beer peacefully.

Walla and Sherm enter, ushering in Velcro.

SLOUCH

HELLLLOOOOOOOO! Whats up?!

SHERM

Master Slouch, we present Velcro, a

refugee and traveler.

SLOUCH

Deuddddeee! Whats up?!

VELCRO

Master Slouch. Thank you for this

meeting. I am interested in

learning your way and maybe joining

your club.

Slouch burps and looks about.

MASTER

Dude! Velcro...come close.

Slouch waves for Velcro to come, and Velcro complies,

approaching.

SLOUCH

Kneel..if you would.

Velcro kneels before Master. Slouch puts hands upon his

shoulders, stroking slightly. He then fingers Velcro’s neck,

then moves his hands to Velcros’ cheeks and caresses.

Slouches eyes widen.

SLOUCH

Walla! Sherm!

Walla and Sherm rush to Master, flanking him on both sides.

MASTER

(in failed whisper)

This one possesses great Slouch

potential, perhaps already riding

on Slouch wavelengths without the

training principles.

Walla and Sherm look at each other.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

WALLA

We sensed such.

SHERM

Can he be the one of prophecy?

Walla shushes Sherm.

WALLA

Shursh!

Velcro looks confused.

SLOUCH

That prophecy is merely a ’what if’

scenario! Totally inappropriate. We

go forward according to protocol.

Walla and Sherm back away.

VELCRO

So...this is like a club right?

SLOUCH

This isn’t a cult!

VELCRO

You have cards right? How do I

join?

WALLA

You don’t join!

SHERM

You assume the position of Slouch.

SLOUCH

Sit up..sit before me...we’ll

access your slouch.

Velcro complies, sitting upon the coffee table before

Slouch.

Slouch looks penetratingly into his eyes, Velcro hesitates.

RAYS and ORBS of light shoot between the two.

Velcro fails to break the gaze-hold as the two stiffen.

7.

EXT/INT - SLOUCH REALM - CONTINUOUS

Velcro and Master Slouch are now enveloped within a realm of

COLOR, SURREAL IMAGERY and FLUIDITY.

SLOUCH

We are on the Slouch wavelength.

An otter flies by them.

VELCRO

Ah! How has this happened?! I took

an oath to D.A.R.E. to resist drugs

and violence!

Slouches face melts and contorts.

SLOUCH

Duuudddeee! You’re already in this

realm, I’ve only helped you see it.

VELCRO

Okay that’s fine then I reckon.

Velcro’s arm flies off.

SLOUCH

Slouch is the rock in the tsunami

of progress.

NIETZSCHE rides in on a horse and vomits all over Velcro.

Drowning in an ocean of bile, Velcro declares:

VELCRO

I feel slouch! It is the static

heartbeat of immobile perfection

within the tyranny of progress!

SLOUCH

Dude! Impressive insight. Find your

vision in order to learn your

slouch destiny!

Velcro and Master Slouch wince hard, their 3rd eyes

activated, seeking a vision.

Velcro sees a membership card appear before him for the way

of the slouch. He lights up with anticipation.

Slouch sees his couch floating ahead of him, curiosity

appears on his face.

Velcro chases the card unable to reach it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

Horror grows on Slouches face as he sees Velcro appear in

his place on the couch.

SLOUCH

What?! The prophecy!

Velcro reaches out for the card...almost reaching it, but it

explodes right before his horrified face.

VELCRO

Oh Cheeeee!

INT. SLOUCHES APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Walla and Sherm stand idly by while Velcro and Slouch sit

with rays and orbs flying between their eyes.

SHERM

Maybe I’ll have a slice of this

pizza here.

WALLA

Yeah...me too.

Walla and Sherm pick up slices of pizza and eat.

EXT/INT. SLOUCH REALM - CONTINUOUS

Velcro watches as the dust settles from the explosion of his

card.

VELCRO

Of course! The Way of Slouch

doesn’t permit cards or such

material idolatry.

Tears well on Slouches face as views Velcro upon his throne.

SLOUCH

My destiny...usurped!

VELCRO

My desire to belong,illusory !

SLOUCH

But I want to be Master!

A massive explosion.

9.

INT. SLOUCHES APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Velcro and Slouch sit across from each other, the link

broken they stare awkwardly at each other.

Walla and Sherm are chewing pizza and look at each other.

Velcro and Slouch look searchingly into each others eyes, it

is a very awkward moment.

Slouch coughs.

SLOUCH

Well.

Slouch motions to stand.

SLOUCH

I...think I’m in your seat.

VELCRO

No!

Walla and Sherm react with confusion. Slouch is prone in his

half standing position.

VELCRO

I have seen my slouch path...I am not to belong to anything!

I shall remain a card-less carrying-less member-less

individual!

SLOUCH

But I saw you in my vision! Seated

on the Masters couch.

VELCRO

Well, I’d be happy to sit on the

couch, next to the rightful

Master.

Velcro puts his hand on the Masters shoulder. Walla and

Sherm share a grin.

WALLA

Maybe you’re not

the prophesied one, but you can

still be our pal.

VELCRO

That sounds swell! Say, can I have

a slice of pizza?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

SLOUCH

Fuck yeah!

Velcro reaches for a slice, slightly disappointed at the

pizza.

VELCRO

Ya know what this pizza needs? Some

bandanananas and caramelized

onions!

He throws his groceries on the pizza. Everyone picks up a

slice and bites.

EVERYONE

MMMMMMMM!!!!!

Everybodies faces light up with enjoyment!

SHERM

That’s some durn good pizza!

WALLA

Maybe you’re not the Master...but

you’re the master of pizza

toppings!

Everyone laughs a whole bunch.

THE END