Velcro Holds On

By Jarred Hodgdon

INT. VELCRO’S ROOM - MORNING

Our meritless hero, VELCRO FATHOMS, 14, sits in his chair

waiting for the day to unfold before him.

VELCRO

The day lies before me with

opportunity and fun in store. Let’s

see the ole to-do so I can do how I

do do.

Velcro rolls out a long to-do list.

VELCRO

(Singing)

This is how I to-do it.

Velcro smells himself.

FX- A DEAD FISH flies from his armpit.

VELCRO

Not ripe yet.

He crosses shower off the list. Velcro reads the next item.

VELCRO

Hmm, tickle the ivories.

A KEYBOARD rises before him, he plays a few notes

Turning back to his list:

VELCRO

Ah, call the service center about

an exchange.

He grabs a ROTARY PHONE off the desk and dials...punching

about 100 buttons excitedly. With the receiver to his ear,

he awaits an answer.

ROBOT-PHONE VOICE (VO)

Hello...thank you for calling

Benison Industries . Your matter is

of primafatious significance to us

and we continually appreciate your

patronage-

Velcro smiles with satisfaction.

ROBOT-PHONE VOICE (VO) (CONT)

-Please have your item number ready

so for one of our members to

service you better-

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

Velcro quickly pulls a YELLOW INVOICE out of a packing box.

ROBOT-PHONE VOICE (VO)(CONT)

To make a payment Press 1. To speak

to a representative (Velcro looks

excited-)of our Buddy Buddy Wink

Wink Club (-then confused), press 2

now. If you are calling for

resolution fulfillment regarding

the Pump Action Sneakers class

action suit, press 3, but that was

some bullshit man.

VELCRO

I think it wise to just hit zero a

buncha times.

Velcro hits "0" hella times.

SFX- A CLICK, then a RING, and then:

NATIVE AMERICAN DEEP VOICE (VO)

Greetings, my name is Tanya. May I

be of service to you, how.

VELCRO

Yes, hello, I’m calling about-

TANYA (VO)

-I can have your order number

please.

VELCRO

Hmm okay...(fumbles with invoice)

It’s

5241367454312341345236755614123454245-

TANYA (VO)

-Wait, huh?

VELCRO

Oh

it’s 5241367454312341345236755614123454245.

TANYA (VO)

I have 9526874-

VELCRO

No, it’s 524...

DISSOLVE TO:

INSERT: 3 HOURS LATER

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

TANYA (VO)

-54245.

VELCRO

Yes! That’s it!

TANYA (VO)

Can I please confirm your customer

number.

Velcro sighs.

VELCRO

Okay it’s..

DISSOLVE TO:

FX- A CLOCK hand spinning

TANYA (VO)

And Social Security number please.

DISSOLVE TO:

TANYA (VO)

Mothers maiden name?

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. VELCRO’S ROOM - LATER

Velcro now has a beard.

TANYA (VO)

That’s great. Now Mr. Fathoms, I

can help you, how.

VELCRO

(excitedly)

I wanted to exchange a gift I

bought.

TANYA

Great. I will connect you to our

absolution department.

SFX-the phone clicks

VELCRO

Wait! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Velcro reaches to the heavens in a terrific cry.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

SFX- HOLD MUSIC begins.

SFX - a KNOCK at Velcro’s bedroom door.

Velcro looks through the door’s PEEP HOLE

FX- HYPHY-NATE, 35, the blocks freshest b-boy is seen

gyrating in WIDE-ANGLE.

Velcro opens the doors, Hyphy-Nate busts in.

Velcro’s beard is magically gone.

HYPHY-NATE

Yo Yo Yo!

Hyphy-Nate does a Yo-Yo with a YO-YO.

VELCRO

Hi Hyphy-Nate.

HYPHY-NATE

Where you be B? Been chirpin your

line all morning.

VELCRO

Ah Chee. I’ve been trying to

resolve a transaction.

Velcro holds up the phone.

HYPHY-NATE

You wiggin dog, I need your help.

911 status.

VELCRO

I’m always there for a pal in need.

How can I help?

HYPHY-NATE

My Guinea Pig booked it this AM

rogue. You know he be lovin the

sound of your kazoo. You play that

he’ll come running like some pied

piper shit.

VELCRO

But Hyphy-Nate, you know I haven’t

played since...

DISSOLVE TO

5.

EXT. STREET CORNER - DAY FLASHBACK

Velcro stands on the street corner, leaning against a pole

playing a beautiful melody on his KAZOO.

SFX-His kazoo music is actually harmonica

CARS WHIZ by in the street.

A upstanding and high-society WOMAN, 40, passes by and

begins to cross the street.

She stops to turn towards Velcro and the sound of the

melody.

A car is rushing head on.

The woman is seemingly transfixed.

The car is rushing head on.

WOMAN

You know, kazoo music is very

annoying.

The car is stopped at a red light.

FX- A tear runs down Velcro’s cheek.

The woman safely crosses the street.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. VELCRO’S ROOM - MORNING

VELCRO

And I haven’t played the kazoo

since.

HYPHY-NATE

Yo Velcro, that beezy was wack.

VELCRO

Maybe.

HYPHY-NATE

Deal with it.

FX - A pair of cool man SUNGLASSES descend from the ceiling

and land on Hyphy-Nate’s face.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

VELCRO

Okay, I’ll help find your guinea

pig.

HYPHY-NATE

Fresh, let’s roll out.

EXT. VELCRO’S HOUSE - DAY

Velcro and Hyphy-Nate descend the stairs in front of

Velcro’s house. Velcro still has the Telephone, it has a

very long cord.

VELCRO

Well pal, which way should we go

you reckon?

HYPHY-NATE

Every which way homey. You won’t

rest till we find my Guinea Piggy.

VELCRO

Super.

HYPHY-NATE

Peep this.

Hyphy-Nate pulls some ROLLER BLADES out from behind his

back.

HYPHY-NATE

We can cover more ground.

Hyphy-Nate laces up hella fast.

HYPHY-NATE

Hop on. We ride.

Velcro hops on Hyphy-Nate’s back, phone in hand.

EXT. STREETS - DAY

FX - In a composite shot we see in profile Velcro riding on

Hyphy-Nate’s back, with streets whizzing by behind them.

Velcro is playing his kazoo melody, the hold music can also

be heard as the phone cord waives behind them.

HYPHY-NATE

Here piggy piggy! Damn! I ain’t

seen him anywheres.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

VELCRO

Gee whiz, and I’m still on hold.

HYPHY-NATE

Situation critical.

VELCRO

Hyphy! Watch out!

A proper BUSINESS MAN, 60, halts in the street before them,

holding a bag of APPLES.

Velcro and Hyphy-Nate look concerned.

FX - The man FLIES into the air like people did in Little

Rascals shorts.

BUSINESS MAN

Whooooaaaaahhhhh!

Apples spill on the ground as Hyphy-Nate and Velcro trail

off.

Hyphy-Nate and Velcro continue tearing through the streets

in profile, the sounds of kazoo (harmonica) and hold music

canvasing the area.

NARRATOR

Hyphy-Nate and Velcro continued

their quest, searching the streets

high and low. No stone was turned,

because the guinea pig hates

stone’s and generally stays away

from them. It seemed like their

efforts might be fruitless...until.

Velcro stops playing kazoo.

VELCRO

(startled)

Jeepers!

HYPHY-NATE

Chill B. What is it?

Velcro puts the phone receiver to his ear.

VELCRO

The hold music stopped! I was hung

up on.

SFX - That AH AH AH AH sound when you’re hung up on.

The two halt and Velcro dismounts.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

HYPHY-NATE

Damn, that’s wack.

Velcro shakes his head, distraught, then notices.

VELCRO

Look Hyphy-Nate! I wasn’t hung up

on!

Hyphy-Nate’s guinea pig is chewing on the telephone cord and

chewed through it.

HYPHY-NATE

My guinea piggy! Fresh!

Hyphy-Nate scoops up his guinea pig and licks its face.

Then he puts the guinea pig in his back pocket.

HYPHY-NATE

Your cord got chew through. You

wasn’t hung up on but the end

result is the same...sorry dog.

VELCRO

Shucks.

Velcro kicks a can.

HYPHY-NATE

What was you on hold for any how?

VELCRO

Well, I shouldn’t tell you

this...but I was trying to arrange

the exchange your birthday present.

Velcro pulls a box out from behind his back.

He then pulls out a super baggy XXXXXL T-SHIRT.

VELCRO

I ordered you this shirt, but it’s

too large.

HYPHY-NATE

(ecstatic)

Naw homey! Those threads are dope!

I like my tee’s large!

Hyphy-Nate grabs the shirt and throws it on.

Hyphy-Nate does a celebratory hammer dance.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

VELCRO

Well I guess everything worked out

well for us in the end.

The two throw their heads back in laughter.

FREEZE FRAME

A beat

UNFREEZE

The two share an epic high five.

FREEZE FRAME ON LAUGHTER

THE END.