VEED-subtitles …centervideo.forest.usf.edu/video/jit/florida/... · 2020. 12. 1. · Well, I'm...
Transcript of VEED-subtitles …centervideo.forest.usf.edu/video/jit/florida/... · 2020. 12. 1. · Well, I'm...
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Okay.
All right you guys there?
Okay, so triggers to so here you go the forties if you didn't
get it if you didn't write it down take a picture of that
and it's going to be in the video but triggers course.
No, so what do we talk about?
We talk about with triggers.
Like if you have a structure these kids with ADHD autism
even anxiety.
They kind of need to know what to expect.
They need to know like thing to checklist.
So what we do is we'll do like a will do is dry eraser board
that on this side.
It has before school check check marks Little Boxes check
check check check check for the five things.
They need to do three to five things in the morning before
before dinner five checks check check check check check when
those things are done.
They earn a third of their Electronics time each time.
Does that make sense?
Same thing with before bed check check check check check,
then you can use your electronics time and then we want the
electronics off 30 minutes to an hour.
Hour before bed to let their brain calm down.
So they're not all jacked up from Call of Duty before they
go to bed.
Okay?
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Yeah, you like that?
Okay.
All right.
I know when I first started playing that I woke up in the
middle the night fire fire fire.
My wife was scared my my wife my poor anyway, so directives,
okay. These are things these are no-nos oppositional no nose.
You will put that away right now take a timeout.
What are some other ones that we say?
So that story I sit on the news interview was talking about
I remember this mom her son said, you know curse of her in
the middle of the her restaurant her family restaurant, and
she said you can't talk to me like that and you know what
he did.
He cursed right back at her.
He won't know.
She said you can't talk to me.
If you do that again, I'm gonna slap you and then he said
to and then she slapped him back in front of the Wrath in
the front of all of her customers.
Now, this was before Yelp and Google reviews because if she
would have done that today, right PP.
All of our customers have been.
Oh my God, the lady that owns the place just custard custard.
I mean slapped her son and the restaurant That would have
been it would have been over.
But then she couldn't make them not cuss.
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So when you say things when you threaten things you can't
make them not do.
They are empowered.
They are now powerful that you did that that you tried to
say that and then they just showed you who was boss.
Or how about we're not we're not going to the movies if you
do that again, and then the whole family gets a consequence
and so you treat it like a military, you know in the military
messes up right course in the military.
It's there's a point for that because if somebody messes
up like that could be everybody dies and the military We're
at home.
You can still say hey, we're going to still go to the movies,
but you're not getting popcorn and coke and all that.
Does that make sense or you might have to apologize and do
something to make it up do a chore for me to make it up to
me? That's part of what I'm going to show a little bit later
to then get that privilege back.
Okay, so if you do that again, if you say that one more time,
don't you ever maybe guys say that you know you cannot.
How about how about oh, no you didn't.
It's you know, an African-American culture.
It's interesting.
They don't like to put up with their kids rolling their eyes.
Isn't that right?
No.
Oh, no, you did.
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Well, okay.
Well, everybody has their cultural things.
I mean just like this stuff right?
Well, I'm just like look, you gotta let the eye rolling go
please just let that go.
Let them Express themselves.
Somehow a lot of times.
We just shut down all emotion.
We can valid that's what I said.
We need to validate them neither and we're going to talk
about how we're you know how to do that at the end.
Okay, here we go.
Oppositional knows too much focus on small things like rolling
eyes. Okay, or I'm or I don't like this or I this the sucks,
you know, why don't you say that, you know, well, you don't
like what I'm doing, then you can go live somewhere else.
Okay, and then they walk out the door, then you call the
police because they're a kid ran away.
Well, he told me to leave he told me I could live somewhere
else. It's really confusing make one-on-one time conditional.
That's not good.
You can still we can still hang out what can still have our
quality time but we may not go to Chick-fil-A and you know
might just go sit at the park and talk.
And hang out, but you know, maybe we'll still with will still
throw the football but we're not going to go good Jeremiah's
afterwards and get an ice cream, you know, whatever just
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we're still going to have quality time together.
You need to have that that's actually what gives you more
influence. If you if you go on our YouTube channel, it's
a is it total life media is our YouTube channel?
If you go there there's a few search Penn State.
There's a there's a study that talks about why dads have
more influence than moms and it's because we're big kids.
Of course, some people would call this Disney dad.
Isn't that interesting when you're together dad plays with
the kids and mom teaches them get your elbows off the table
and wait, you're not holding the fork right or you know,
or did Do your homework, where's you know, there's all these
other things, you know that which is amazing that women can
think about all these things at once and that's why I was
guys don't usually do those things because we can't multitask
that well, but the guys are all about playing we're big kids.
We just have bigger toys, right but it all of a sudden we
get divorced all of a sudden now that person's a Disney dad
know, he's one of those Disney dad's.
Well, he was that way the whole time right?
So so that's not fair is it, you know, so not so Times, you
know, it's a true statement, but you know, we have to deal
with those things but it's you know as so we need to have
fun with the kids to earn their influence.
There's a buddy of mine that works with defiant kids and
he's been on dr.
Phil a few times.
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His name is James McManus.
He's at Palm Beach.
It's a Palm Beach Gardens.
It's a family first and what do they do with the kids?
They go paintball, they go deep sea fishing and it's a residential
program and they're doing and they're having all this fun.
You're thinking that's like rewarding them.
They made my life hell and now I'm sitting there for this.
Well, you know what they're doing they're doing stuff we
should have been doing the whole time even though they're
acting up we should be still having fun with them we need
to have fun that's how we have influence and that's what
the Penn State study said to moms have fun with your kids
just like don't be about don't make it all about does minor
things you know get your elbows off the table and you know
try to focus on two or three big behaviors that she want
to like mold and shape and and we'll worry about the little
things later if that makes sense communicates conditional
love well there's this there's a statement from Chapman's
book five love languages it says the quantity of quality
time father spend with their sons correlates with the amount
of college they complete or how much legal issues they have
depending upon how much time is not spent basically isn't
that interesting I mean we do see that we do see people with
kids that are juveniles they're having trouble and what's
going on with their dad Not much, and that's the problem.
Isn't it in our society?
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That's a big problem today.
I was one of those kids.
I don't know how I made it but it will actually do it was
God. So yeah, so in my mom putting me around positive men
and being in my church and two men taking me under their
wing and really good coaches, you know for a little league
and basketball right and teachers so lack of supervision
or guidance.
That's a No-No with oppositional Defiance yelling remember
tone is Very important so funny.
I had a dad come in and he's got to ADHD kids and they go
I can't no I can't give you too much details, but he's a
medical doctor and he's like Jim we had a great week and
I go really what happened because you know, Jim he put his
head down he goes.
I just stop yelling.
And I'm like, okay.
So what do you mean he goes?
Well, we put the structure in place and there's a contract
there's a 30 days if you you know, you're good then I'm turning
on your Instagram account.
And if you blow it, I just turn it off.
He said I just turn it off now.
I don't get mad.
They know the consequence and they delivered the bad news
the kids do when they cross the line go.
So what happens when you when you do that?
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I lose Instagram.
Yeah, sorry about that.
No, you're not if you were you'd leave it on.
Now that's our deal.
Right?
Does that what's the contract say?
Okay fine.
I had no the contract.
I know what it says.
Okay.
And you can rebuild trust by doing three hours of weeding
because one hour didn't work with this kid and two hours
didn't work.
So we had to apologize and make it up with three hours of
weeding. And that for some reason was what got his attention
enough that he could earn back the trust and get his account
turned back on after 30 days in that interesting.
So then I had then I told his wife in a separate session
when she came in what happened and she's like, I know I got
to work on that.
I got to work on my tone.
And so and they did and they're doing so much better.
No, because they just stopped yelling because nobody can
I mean when emotions are high, this is really important a
buddy. Watch this when emotions are high the ability to reason
is low.
This is temporary insanity right here.
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Where's your ability to reason is this a good time to use
lots of logic and reasoning and wax eloquent and make your
case for why you're right.
Is it no it's not so we want to calm things down one of valid
him. Well, I can see you're frustrated because I know how
much you love to stay up or I know how much you love your
video game time.
And I know how much you would love to be up late.
Yes, so let me stay up late.
So when they go yes, that was therapeutic.
That was cathartic for them.
So they calm down and then you go so and so what you're so
I II C so but what time is it is what we would say then we
would start to test things with logic.
We'd use a logical question now to say, what do you think?
What time is it nine o'clock stupid curfew or stupid bedtime.
Yeah.
I know.
It's stupid instead of going don't you say it's stupid.
That's a minor what Behavior let that go.
They can think it's stupid all they want.
You don't have to change it because they think that you can
agree with them.
Right, I can see how you think that's stupid you agree with
how they feel not that you don't agree with them and you
know you agree with their feeling does that make sense that
took me a long time to understand that by the way as a guy
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I really had a hard time with that.
I was a youth pastor and I really had a hard time understanding
that when people would parents would say, oh my kid said
this happened in the youth group and it didn't happen and
I would just get defensive when they're up here and their
emotional and they're upset and they're temporarily insane
and I would be like that ever happened.
They would get even more mad because you know, I just did
I in validated them?
How many times do we do that with the kids?
So again, remember if their biological adults we need to
start talking to him that way because you guys validate each
other for the most part you validate your friends.
So let's validate them to backhanded compliments.
Well, it's about time you cleaned out your locker.
It's about time you cleaned out your room.
But you missed all of this over here.
What's up?
What's this under your bed?
Instead of saying hey man.
Good job cleaning your room.
Thank you so much high five.
And and then if you have a checklist of how to clean the
room say looks like you got this this and that and that's
awesome. Is there anything missing is there anything left
get them to tell you the bad news?
Oh, I got to get that stuff out from under the bed and throw
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it in the hamper.
That'd be great.
Otherwise, it's stuff's going to stink and weeds are going
to grow and you know bugs would probably be a good idea.
We're talking like adults make sense.
We have a consequence in place.
If they don't they won't earn as much Electronics time.
Because if we had that checklist and that's on the checklist,
that's how they earn their time.
Okay president.
How about a command as a favor?
Do you think you could do do you think you should do your
classwork or your homework?
Do you think you can do that?
Or do you think you should dress out a PE?
We can give choices though when it's possible instead we
can we can actually give them choices.
Do you want to finish it up now or finish during recess?
So that's what we tell the teachers to say.
Would you like to do that during recess was like to do it
now. I'll give you a few minutes to think about it.
If you give me a few minutes and you walk away, then they
don't get to insanity and they start to think think think
and process and they calm down there like fine.
I'll do it and they do their work.
But if you press them really hard while they're in the middle
of it, they're going to get insane and then they're going
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to try to hook you to by the way because misery loves company.
How many of us Fall For The Hook we take the bait we're all
guilty of that.
Right?
How about giving too many commands at once people that HD?
They don't handle multiple prompts.
That's why we need to check list.
Remember we want that little checklist want to check list
for morning routine afternoon routine and evening routine.
We want to check list and keep pointing back to that checklist.
Can I play my video games manage?
Yes, you can when you what, Finish your checklist.
What's left?
That's stupid checklist hate that checklist.
I hate chores.
I know me too.
Now.
I just validated them how many of us love chores if you raise
your hand that means you're obsessive compulsive disorder.
It's good old mental health humor, right?
Okay harsh discipline when it's like really really harsh
or way over the top.
Escalating consequences.
How about parents?
That don't say they how about they about parents that don't
apologize. That's another thing that's really damaging very
painful very difficult because now we're not modeling how
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to apologize because 90% I'm sorry 89% of how we learn is
what we see.
Okay.
Okay.
You've got a week you want to go for two and then you sound
like an Auctioneer?
Okay, we got to we got to get him a car.
Oh we got three.
All right, let's keep going.
Anyway, do we have for do I hear for do I own for now that
persons with you for four weeks?
Yay, woohoo, and then if you give in and let them off after
a week, you just gave them power they just won again.
I will give you a way out of that remind me.
I'm going to teach you how to get out of that when you're
temporarily insane and you go over the top and you give too
much too slow.
I'm going to give you a way out of that.
If you overdo consequence, that's right.
They just said that so gives a student a choice.
That's the that is the answer give them a choice to apologize
and do some chores for you to make it up to you and then
you can let them off, you know to make sense.
You like that don't you you're like, yes because Mom does
that to me I get all right.
She's like I like this guy.
All right using long-term consequences, liberally.
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long-term consequences for serious issues like drugs You
know, you know reserved for that or like the get in trouble
with the law or they get suspended at school.
Okay, it consistent rules, you know, you have a consequence
that's you know, you know that you know, they have a if your
cut your consequences are inconsistent like sometimes there's
a consequence sometimes there's not that's so really hard
on kids like that giving up on request because of persistence
or resistance.
So when they keep wearing you down, so there's those kids
with autism that just obsess over something.
They like and they keep going and going and going and they
keep obsessing obsessing and I had a mom tell me the other
yesterday in my office and I give in and she said it in front
of the kid and like, oh, I wish you wouldn't have said that
but the kid already knows it.
He's already doing it.
He's got the power.
Heavily praised the kissing.
What do we do here are things we do heavily praised High
compliance commands initially so man, like I said great job
cleaning up your room and give me some even if it's not done
properly good job with your homework, even if it's not completed
and they think it is.
Hey looks like it did a great job here.
Let's look at this.
Wow.
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You got 15 of these problems done.
There's only there's only five left.
Good job, man way to go instead of know there's five.
You didn't do these five.
Isn't that what we do your focus on what they didn't do or
how about I get report cards when we focus on the F.
No focus on the good grades first if there is a good grade.
Focus on the good grades first or the highest F even man,
you got it that was really close to a deed.
And I know you really worked hard and it could be that's
the case that they did work hard.
They could have a learning disability that we don't know
about. They could be ADHD and they're not being treated and
if you can't focus man, you're going to be doing well in
school. You need to focus you need to be to motivate yourself
to do those things.
Right?
So how about must have rules rewards and consequences.
So if you do your checklist you get to the your electronics
if Don't so for instance for teenagers.
If they don't do their morning routine.
They maybe just don't take your phone to school today.
Okay, but guess what you do it the afternoon you get it back.
But if you don't you can do it after dinner and then you
can have it for a few minutes after dinner because whatever
time you earn you get to use.
Does that make sense?
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So it's like every day's a new day though.
You can take it to school tomorrow doesn't have to be you
lost it for a week or a year or a month.
So we so because because with ADHD there like hippies live
in the now, baby.
They are Tomorrow Never Comes, they'll tell you tomorrow.
I'll do it.
But tomorrow never comes because it's always today.
Unless you're in Tomorrowland then it's tomorrow, right?
That's a Disney joke.
Sorry.
Okay, so ask ask the child to tell you what they need to
do. So remember we already talked about that ask him.
What what you need to do.
I think Steve Harvey says when then he would talk show host
when then when you do this, then you can do that and I really
want you to do it.
Okay, does that make sense when then in the subset of set
ups like facing somebody like this, you know, and we're it's
a And yeah, I want you to do that.
When you do this, you can do it.
I want you to get a play.
I want you to go outside.
I want to play video games.
Does that make sense?
But now we're like this instead of like this.
Do you talk like this to your friends?
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Right?
They would think you're crazy.
I'm like come out your kid.
So when then Go to the couch are go to the child touch and
use eye contact.
Just what we just did there right child recites the request
to all right, tell me what we just talked about.
What do you need to do?
First?
My checklist?
That's awesome, man.
And when that's done, what can you do I get to play so excited.
I can't wait for you to play.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, praise when they recite as if they already completed
the task.
Yeah, that's it, man.
Way to go good job.
You got this make complex tasks simpler ones like a checklist.
Okay, make commands effective.
Okay, this is good.
So, okay.
So we're going to take a little break the second session.
We're going to be covering these things.
Okay sure cards.
You guys can have heat you guys, uh, or cards you note or
cards a good idea to that way, you know, it's like it tells
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you exactly what it is when you clean your room.
There's like three or four things.
So maybe on maybe you have like a List of you know, like
four or five things here on the on the chalkboard or on a
dry eraser board, but maybe there's a card that tells them
exactly how to clean their room stipulate a time period as
well. They need a time period give them a time period to
do it.
I'll give you 15 minutes to clean your room and if you do
clean it, but you know what happens?
What's the reward I get a check mark toward my electronics
time. I get it, you know and maybe every checkbox is two
minutes of electronics time or are four minutes or five minutes.
Just depending upon how old they are and we talked about
that too.
If they're under night if they're six to nine years old if
they're under six they should not be on electronic devices.
Under six the American Academy of Pediatrics in June of 2016
said that kids under 6 should not have it.
Let me tell you something about this, you know, Steve Jobs.
He do, you know that he did not give his kids an iPad.
He did not give his kids an iPad guys know his kids he could
have he was a billionaire.
He did not give his kids a child and iPad.
And by the way, I wasn't too sure why because there was no
app store when it came out.
There was no addictive programs.
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Okay.
Do you know when they make these games and these apps they
have psychologists on site that know how to make things addictive
they use the same people that made casino games addictive.
So for instance when you're on the phone, I don't have my
phone on me.
But when you're on your phone and you go like this, you know
what that simulates.
slot machine Okay, and when that when those numbers are flashing
in front of you like that like The Wheel of Fortune right
right with a big wheel.
That's that's it yet or the prices, right?
Yeah that too.
Yeah, that's right.
Thank you.
So, you know it's addictive right?
Yeah.
Do you know when they hold the questions if you don't mind,
do you know that they I was about to die did a news interview
about I was CBS or ABC and right before I went on they go.
Oh, we're going to have Jim West he was doing a Facebook
live video.
He's going to talk about video game addiction.
Do you know my brother work?
This is the anchor I can't really guys name, but he goes,
you know, my brother Works in San Francisco, and he they
put a EEG cap on the kids when they're playing video.
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Rio games and they and it and they checked to see what lights
up that frontal lobe.
What makes them go.
Ooh, I like that part of the game.
That was amazing.
And if it doesn't light up the brain, you know, what they
do with that part of the game.
They scrapped it they get rid of it.
They get rid of the game.
So now they have been a fortnight.
I was interviewed many times about Fortnight.
It's not a bad game.
It's that it's not a bad game at all.
They've just learned how to make it more addictive.
So you got to really watch how much the kids play.
It's nothing wrong with I have a 7 foot screen.
Have surround sound I have an Xbox 360 Xbox One in my office.
I have it at my house.
There's nothing wrong with it, but it's how much the kids
play and I've seen it.
I've seen kids get addicted to it to the point where they
quit playing sports.
And then as soon as you put the parental controls in place
and you limit how much they play to whatever based on their
age guess what happens I had this guy with was a very amazing
swimmer top of his game where the best private schools in
this and the state.
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Eight and he quit he quit swim club which Swim Club you have
to do to stay in shape so that when you try out again for
the swim team you can make it and he quit the swim club and
his parents were like, I don't know why he quit and I'm like
well, how much video games is he playing?
They're like, what does that have to do with it?
And I go well, how much is he playing?
How about 6 hours a day?
And what's happened to his grades?
His grades have gone down.
Okay have a guy wanting to be he's in the top.
I don't know 60 in the in the whole world and Fortnight and
he wants to be a professional video game player and ever
since he's wanted to do that and he increased his play from
40 hours a day to 80 hours a day, his grades dropped and
he's trying to compare himself to other performance artists
and athletes and I'm like well look, I were to I work with
those people we work with the NBA we work with the MLB.
We have contract we Work with all these all these athletes
and I go and they and by the way most of them to play pro
sports. They had to make it to College.
They had a great what you have to do high school and they
had to go to you know, and so how much do they do?
Well, they do 20 hours of practice a year a week to be to
make it to college to play at that level and and then during
peak season.
They're 40 hours a week.
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So that's if you're going to play that much you don't need
to play 80 you can play 40 right anyway, so So his grades
are going up as we cut back his time and all that kind of
stuff, right?
But let me go back to my daughter.
I gave my we let my daughter watch educational TV programs.
So my wife can work out so she they watch like 30 minutes
sometimes an hour and they if they watch it on TV and their
time is up.
We turn it off.
Everything's cool.
If she's watching it on the iPad same exact thing pull up
DirecTV app DVR.
Boom.
She plays it right there see In place and we turn it off
when she's holding that iPad.
This is three and a half years old.
Guess what happens?
She freaks out.
She's not playing a game.
Nothing is addictive.
It's just a TV program at two-and-a-half.
Somebody handed her the phone for the very first time it
was somebody giving me a bid to do my pool over and my daughter
was getting like board two and a half.
She held the iPhone for the first time.
She the lady said here's puppy pictures on Google and my
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daughter's doing doing this.
She showed her how to do it.
And every time she does it dopamine is released.
Whoo.
Do that again.
Woah never felt that before not that much right as a me puppies
release a ton of dopamine man, right?
It's crazy.
How much dope when it releases and then all of a sudden we
the lady takes her phone with her and my daughter freaks
out has a massive meltdown.
That means are you kidding me now?
If we had a bunch of pictures of puppies just laid out all
over the table.
She would have been fine.
But for some reason that and that's why Steve Jobs didn't
let his kids have have that a lot of Executives in the technology
industry. Don't let them have it Justin Rosenstein the guy
that made the like button got a flip phone because he wasn't
productive because he was on Snapchat and read it and all
these social media sites, and he said Snapchat was heroin.
It was like heroin.
It was addicted.
He got himself banned from Snapchat.
How do you do that?
You can send like dirty pictures of yourself to people and
get and get pictures.
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How do you what do you have to send to get banned from Snapchat?
Right?
So so that's where the American Academy of Pediatrics said
and I talked about this is an art alternatives to it might
be in that is it about hey Chris.
Is it in the Defiance workbook the boundaries would Electronics
is it in there?
I think it is.
Okay, so it'll be in your handout, but it tells you based
on. Not me Don't Kill the Messenger but 629 guess how much
30 minutes a day with a hundred and fifty minutes of socialization.
They wanted to actually talk to people in person 450 minutes,
which people aren't doing today by the way social media.
The only thing good that's come from that is it's actually
reduce teen pregnancy.
Because kids are getting together as much.
Because you kind of have to get together.
They haven't figured that one out in virtually yet how to
get virtually pregnant I guess.
So when Obama takes credit for reducing teen pregnancy pregnancy,
it was actually social media that did that, okay.
So but yeah, it's you know, so we got to put that so then
there's a thing.
It's a 60 Minutes for 10 to 12.
Yeah, 10 to 12 is 60 Minutes of electronics with that's YouTube
also because YouTube is highly addictive.
There's a book called hooked how to make habit-forming products
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you can read about it.
The guy's name is last name is e Ali yal.
Okay, and he told he basically says here's how we hooked
you guys and if you want to make a habit forming product
here, here's how to do it.
What's the first thing you grab when you wake up?
hmm interesting I grab my wife.
I'm in a nice way, you know, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, actually I grab my phone I did.
Yeah, you know, but isn't it but before the phone what do
we do?
They've hooked us all they've done a really good job.
Okay, so I'm just being honest.
So so we look at our phones and then we cuddle a little bit
right before the kids.
Wake up.
Hopefully right that doesn't happen very often but Reduce
time delays for consequences use timers and points of performance.
So you can make the timers can be the microwave clock of
course their phones.
It could be that right.
So those are some things but just watch the electronics let
them, you know, by the way 13 to 15 is hour and a half with
three hours of socialization and then teenagers 16 and up
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is two hours with two hours of socialization.
So they're just finding that they used to just say how much
to limit it but they they found that the kids were just kind
of waiting and this had their time and just sitting there
and they weren't developing their social skills.
In fact in Taiwan there writing tickets.
They're writing tickets in Taiwan to parents if they're under
18 because those kids are so behind socially because they're
getting phones at 5 and 6 years old in Singapore McDonald's
put a little Locker to put your phone so that the kids would
play on the playground that's collecting dust and McDonald's
which now nobody wants their kids playing on those playgrounds
because the coronavirus right so, Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, here's a so praise praise compliant.
Oh, you know what?
I think already did that praised throughout the task.
So while they're doing it.
Hey, you're doing a good job.
Keep it keep going.
You're almost done.
You're almost there.
Good job way to go way to go.
So keep praising them right to let them evaluate themselves
and score themselves.
Okay, go check the checkboxes off for the things you've done.
Oh wait you checked off?
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Yeah.
You did cleaned your room.
Good job you brush your teeth.
Awesome.
Yep.
I checked your toothbrush.
It was wet way to go your breath smells awesome that's amazing
and you know in the so you're just constantly praising them.
And by the way, the reason we're doing this others may try
to get in the reason we're doing this.
Why are we doing that?
What kind of because they get so much negative attention
they get in trouble so much and I had so much shame and guilt.
So we're going to praise them like quite more frequently
than we would just like you would a you're trying to potty
train a two and a two two and a half year old three-year-old.
You're trying to you're constantly praising.
Hey, good job.
You did a poop way to go.
That's awesome.
Here's likes, you know lollipop or something right?
We're just we're going to praise them almost like that.
But but try not to be too patronizing especially if they're
teenagers, okay.
All right, grab bags are good idea.
You know that could be like going to the Dollar Store.
Here's 20 bucks at the dollar store knock yourself out everything
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that you buy here will go into this treasure chest or into
these bags.
And then when you hit a certain score you get a toy and it
you want to have daily rewards for these guys something daily.
We usually like to lose privileges, but you might want to
have some extra like the reflect ronix or fun time.
It can be whatever that the little checklist the three column
checklist. We're talking about like the dry eraser board.
Whatever they want to earn.
You know, they want Lego time.
Well, then you if the Legos is the most important thing to
them you lock up those Legos everyday you lock them up and
every day that you're done boom.
And yeah, let me got the key right here.
It's around my neck.
By the way.
Don't hide the key.
You're laughing.
You know why Jamie, right?
Yeah, because they're gonna do what they're gonna go find
that key somewhere.
They're going to assess they're going to tear up your house.
He just say hey, I got the key.
It's right here.
Okay, and man, I want to I want to take This key up when
you're done.
I want you to play.
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I want you to have fun.
I love watching you have fun.
I love to see your face light up and I hope you like to see
mom's late face light up when everything's done.
It's so nice.
I love that.
Okay.
Alright, here's why charts fail.
So it's interesting I go to I do school conferences to teach
teachers about ADHD and and I talked about how shorts are
sorry charts are is negative reinforcement like the short
the way they do charts is negative reinforcement, or how
about These green yellow red right?
And then when you get to Yellow your that's it your yellow
the rest of the day or if you do something else now your
red and then of course that Reds going to go home and then
they don't even know why when you get when they get home
they were like, you don't know when it was they don't you
don't know what part of the day it was.
Like were they good part of the day was it just was it with
a that it just might misbehave at lunch like what happened?
And so we do a chart where we find out like the morning like
what subject that we have like a chart where they grade them
self every hour on.
Three behaviors and then they bring that home to earn some
kind of privilege.
It's pretty cool how that works because now they can check
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themselves every so often in score themselves because that
helps them self monitor kids with ADHD.
Do not monitor themselves very well.
Do they do you understand what I'm saying?
And they think everything's great.
I'm all good.
Any homework?
No, it's all done.
Oh, that's amazing.
Do you have any homework?
No.
Okay.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Okay, so all-or-nothing rewards do not work.
So if somebody does get red we tell the schools they need
to earn that back.
Let them do a chore for the teacher.
How about the apologize and make it up to the teacher they
do a chore for them to get back to green How about if they
start at read every day all the kids in the class and they
have to greet three or four people with a compliment and
affirmation handshake high five.
Now we're building social skills in sixty percent of these
kids are behind socially and they start their day like And
every person they greet they go from red to green and they
earn their green and if you earn something do you take better
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care of it?
Yes you do.
But then if they do go down guess what apologize and going
through my trash for me apologize clean my our chalkboard
apologize take this note to the teacher are the principal's
office for me and giving them opportunities to move because
we know these kids with ADHD need opportunities to what to
move. So all-or-nothing rewards don't work.
So if by Tuesday, they can't get it and that's the other
thing long-term rewards weekly Rewards.
Well, if you're good this week, you can play video games
on the weekend.
That's really hard.
That's tough to meet.
Isn't it?
It really hard because what if they blow it on Tuesday?
What if have a bad day Tuesday?
What's going to happen Wednesday, Thursday Friday?
They're going to have bad days screw you because I got nothing
to live for that's what they think.
They really do.
I got nothing.
I mean, I can't imagine I got to wait another weekend after
this weekend even have a chance and then by the next week,
they're like it's is impossible.
So they don't have a good Monday or Tuesday trying to reach
that goal because it's too far away.
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So we have a daily goal that reached helps them Reach a weekly
goal requiring Perfection if it's got to be perfect if you
got to get a perfect score, so we have a behavior chart where
maybe the score is 70 points they can get for the day for
their behavior on those three behaviors.
Keep a raise your hand before you speak stay in your seat
and complete all your work all your class work.
Does that make sense to or turn in your work feet and you
grade yourself for every subject for spelling I grade myself
for centers for reading for math.
They grade them self every hour and the teacher of dis initials
each hour.
So they get multiple prompts and and feedback throughout
the day and then we know when there was a problem and if
they had a Album they can do apologize and make it up to
earn back a good put some extra points, right?
So that there the day we used that and they go.
Okay.
So you got 70 points is the max but you got you know, what
you got 55 points you get the maximum reward.
We only expect about 80% 80% of that goal.
We're not going to expect them to be perfect all day.
We might get my bonus for maybe an 85 or 90 percent score,
but we only expect about 80 and then we have 50.
So let's say it's 55 points.
You get all of your electronics 50 points you get - 10 minutes
48 you get - 20 minutes - 15 just but we make it a graduate
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reward system instead of an all-or-nothing system.
All right.
So here we go lead the child to the solution.
Can I have more time on the computer?
Well, if you already have a time set, what do you say?
What time is it nine o'clock?
What time is computer time over nine o'clock some stupid.
Rule.
You have a great memory.
I'm so proud of you.
Now that really ask yourself.
Why are you laughing?
I mean that's that's funny.
But but did you say no did I say no?
No who said?
No, they didn't really say it.
But but they came to the no.
How do you like that?
You guys are like, well that's manipulating that's coercion.
Yes it is.
How did you hey, what do they have?
What how many teachers are in here you buddy teachers do
what do you have in kindergarten first and fifth grade?
I'm sorry kindergarten first grade.
We have what's called manipulatives manipulatives.
We started we've been manipulated our whole life.
Okay use questions and get them to say no, you must have
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clear boundaries and rules for that to work though.
If you'd make that nine sometimes 913 of time 10 o'clock
another time man, you're in big trouble praise Todd wants
to give proper.
When behaviors are exhibited over anxious overly active overly
depressed or sad when behaviors are exhibited when they start
saying things like this, my life sucks.
I want to die want to end my life course if they say that
it's cool.
Now they're sent to a therapist or their Baker acted right
by the way guys.
Let me tell you something about that.
If there's if you can if you can work with any of your mental
health professionals and a psychologist, if you could find
a way to get them to write a letter to the school saying
please don't Baker act as kid, let them come down from temporary
insanity and then see if they're going to kill themself.
Does that make sense?
Is it I have never Baker Act?
I have never I've never Baker Act to the kid in 25 years
of doing this 26 now.
I've never baked erected a kid.
I've sent him to the hospital with their parents, but I don't
Baker Act him.
I haven't had to because most of the time if you give a kid
a choice to go in their parents car versus a cop, they'll
go with your parents.
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Does that make sense?
And sometimes resource officers are awesome.
I had a really good one the other day that didn't Baker Act
the kid because they let the kid calm down and they could
have they didn't Baker Act him.
They let him calm down there like no.
I was just mad and then they come see me and we Okay, what's
the matter things you can say instead of I want to kill somebody
or I want to kill myself.
What's another way to deal with this?
Does that make sense?
So if you can have the school say look, I'll take him to
the hospital.
Let me take him if they do something in the you've got a
Baker Act and let me take him to the hospital because it's
so traumatic for these kids to have these kids already been
through enough, right even if they came into your home at
Birth. They've been through a lot their families have been
through a lot it in vitro.
They were through a lot.
Okay, so they have trouble so, you know as far as like when
you get help for these kids, you know, they're having trouble
focusing and they're having trouble in school where you know,
if they're having trouble when they don't get their way like
if it's like even young kids if they kept their what trying
to get there if they can't have their you know, whenever
it's reading time at school and they're bored and they're
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just acting out that means that there's they're probably
having trouble with impulse control, right or maybe ADHD.
And of course we just talked about how many of these kids
are in.
System that actually had Parents with ADHD and their parents
lost their kids.
It's a lot of them.
Difficulty making and maintaining friends when you see that
60 percent of kids with ADHD.
Well, why why are they having trouble socially, well, they
just want to play what they want.
They want to talk about what they want.
They they are impulsive by you know, when their kindergarten
first second grade kids forgive you the next day but third
fourth grade they don't forget anymore, right the and all
of a sudden they kind of know what's cool and what's not
cool anymore.
And that's when you start to see the kids start to isolate.
It's not so much isolating is the kids.
Get into a friend group.
Here's a Cheerleader Kids.
The gymnast kids.
Here's the basketball kids.
Here's the soccer kids, right and if they're not doing any
of that stuff, they don't fit in at all.
And then you get isolated that way too.
But then they also get their parents will say, hey don't
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hang out with that kid.
He keeps getting in trouble and they get isolated that way
too and then they get further and further behind socially.
So we need to teach them social skills before they have social
problems. That's the ideal and we that's why I have social
skills groups in our in our practice to help these guys.
When they were happy at one point and they're not happy.
They're grades are dropping.
Please get some help.
Okay.
So here's the chart I was telling you guys about so we have
three behaviors right homework in your planner kids name's
Antonio right homework and planner stay on task complete
your classwork teachers initials right here, three, they
get they get themself like Three's a smiley twos a flat and
zeros of frown.
Okay, so they can either use a flat face frown face or smiley
face or they just put the number in their grade themselves.
Here's math grammar reading history science.
That's a visual of what I told you about.
And this is also on the videos and also that we also give
you the you'll have a workbook with all these charts as well
in there.
They'll be an example and a blank once you can make your
own or you can just do it in Excel.
Okay, if they have this particular kid Antonio the maximum
points where I think you got 40 points, but the maximum points
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looks like it's 45 and so we did 40 38 36 34 and he got a
30 minutes of creative time or iPad time 25, 20 or 15 based
upon how much She scored for the day pretty cool.
Right and guess what?
This is daily rewards.
We can have a weekly reward.
So guess what?
Here's our weekly reward sure you guys were thinking should
we do a Recon reward?
Is that too far away?
Well, if it is if you don't have something daily that you
got a daily reward for them to hit every day then we do a
graduate reward system for this.
So we're going to go to the movies.
We're going to the movies and if you have 75 points are going
to get a soda if you have a hundred going to get popcorn
and soda if you have 125 you get some candy along with your
paw. Popcorn and soda and you get maybe you get nachos made
if you had a great week like that.
You're gonna be like, yes, I'm buying nachos.
I'm buying it because I know that's a lot of money in the
movies, right but you're probably thinking I don't care.
I'll take out a loan because that was amazing man.
That was a great week.
Can you imagine right?
Wouldn't that be amazing?
I mean how many years does that add to your life if that
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kid is that you get 250 points for the week.
That's a lot, right?
So this automatically calculates an Excel so you can make
the if you decide to do the formulas and I do this in my
office. It automatically has the formula.
So once you put that number and it determines this number,
okay, and then we have weakened points toward Electronics
time. So if Antonia was 16, he could have two hours a day
of electronics with a hundred fifty points, and now he gets
to use the points again.
He's at the point three times.
He uses them for the daily reward he gets to use them again.
It's not like you use them.
That's it.
They're gone.
No he gets to use them three times.
So he gets Electronics time determined by it or we could
say maybe we would do something different if maybe for the
weekend where he would earn it based on his checklist and
his chores at home on the weekend.
But we just give there's all these little extra things that
we can throw in there.
Right?
It could be Dave and Buster's it could be tokens.
It could be multiple tokens.
It can be going at the park.
It can be going fishing and and how much bait he's going
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to get to have the fish and once the baits gone we're done.
So if you had a great week, we're going to fish all day.
We're going to fish half the day whatever.
Does that make sense?
Okay.
all right here is all this is fun this is called subcontracting
okay so you parents are going to be contractors if you do
this and basically what this is this is in the program to
its on the we give you guys a blank chart but basically we
have before school before dinner and before bed basically
the chore we have make your bed in each or that somebody
else can do for you sub contract for you with your sibling
okay oh by the way we put the money in a jar if there are
fifteen fifteen dollars if they're ten ten dollars and you
put the money in a jar some of the kids are like listening
okay Mom listen to this I see some kids listening Right.
So so you put the money in a jar and if there's two kids,
it's awesome because sibling rivalry can be used for good.
We turn them into subcontractors.
Okay, so in the morning, hey, man, if you're too busy to
make your bed.
Hey, it's okay.
Your sister will do it for you.
So no big deal.
You got five more minutes.
Basically what this family here.
They were going to leave at 8:30.
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So by 820 everything had to be done.
And why why do we want it done 10 minutes before we leave
because we want to give time for The Sibling to do it.
So they have five minutes to do it if they don't so let's
say The Sibling once it 820.
We use the cable box clock we use it.
We use a family clock that everybody knows.
That's the clock we use.
It's not going to be your iPhone.
It's not going to be your watch.
It's going to be that clock when it when I think dings 820
you guys, you know, you guys can go look at your brother's
bed. See if he made it see if he lost left this towel on
the ground any of those things and you can pick it up for
him, but you can't do it without going through me the contractor.
So they go to the general contractor.
Hey, Mom.
Can I pick up his towels off the floor?
You know what?
Let me check with Jimmy.
That's really nice of you to offer.
Hey, Jimmy your sister would like to pick up your towel for
you. Well, I'm not going to pay her to pick up my tell.
Okay.
Well, how much time do you have to do it?
Remember we're going to get him to say what 825 stupid subcontractor
here, right?
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Okay, so you got to 825 and if you do pick it up by 825 what
happens I have to pair a finder's fee.
Yep, consulting fee right up a little consulting fee.
Give them like maybe it's half right?
So maybe it's 50 cents to pick up each item, maybe because
he went and picked it up.
She just pays 25 cents for each item as a contractor as a
finder's fee.
Isn't that cool?
You like that by the way, the money goes into the jars.
It's all quarters that goes into the jars, right?
And at the end the week whatever is there on Friday is yours
and then Saturday morning you have another meeting and you
talk about what are we going to do next week?
Because maybe that money is used for Dave and Buster's.
Or maybe if they keep all of their allowance, we give them
tokens for Dave and Buster's right if you keep all your allowance,
we're going to give you a hundred tokens.
If you keep if you keep half your allowance, I'll give you
you know, half the tokens, right whatever.
You have a graduate award system based upon how much of their
allowance and by the way, if you'd like you can use your
own money, if you don't have enough money for tokens, you
can use your own money that's in your pocket from your subcontracting
to go buy some more tokens, but guess what if you all your
money and you do all your chores you're going to not have
to use your money at all I'll buy you the tokens for the
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day for that for that two hours were there whatever does
that make sense does that sound like it would work Isn't
that cool it's kind of neat right it's a neat positive way
to deal with this so that's how that works so it's pretty
cool so they come let's say they don't make the bed let's
say they don't make the bed by eight twenty five then the
sibling has to make the bed she can't just get the finder's
fee at that point she would have to make the bed and then
she gets a dollar and he gets the dollar out gives it to
her And if he doesn't then you the now you're a broker.
Okay.
Now there's a broker fee.
Now you have to pay for my time.
I'll give you five minutes to think about it, but I'm going
to have to go over there take a dollar for me and a dollar
for your sister and put in your jar.
I'll give you five minutes to think about it.
Or you could say what's going to happen if I have to do it.
That's even better because now they deliver the bad news.
You're gonna pay a stupid broker fee.
This is so stupid.
Yeah.
I know you I could see why you think that you value them.
I can see why you think that you're just and here's something
to you know, you can also say, you know, I know you're really
busy, you know, you're so busy, but your sister she'll make
time for you.
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So do this for you and by the way, they can't yell at their
sister for doing it because they're doing a service their
contractor subcontractor.
Do you like like do you like do you just throw the money
at a subcontractor like when the plumber comes?
Looks like a leak.
Do you just go take your stinking money?
And by the way, we teach the kids not to tattle either.
You're not tattling your at subcontractor.
Does the plumber come?
Oh my gosh this place, you know or the law if you have a
lawn guy does a long ago.
Oh my goodness.
This yard is a pigsty No, there's like here.
I'm going to climb.
Oh, you're Lon.
Okay, so I teach to teach the kids.
Look I don't get paid to make my own bed, but I can pay somebody
else to do it.
Sure, I don't you know, I don't get paid to mow my yard,
but I can pay somebody to do it.
I'll pay you half of what I would pay somebody I'll pay you
a fourth of what I would pay somebody if you want to do it
because you're part of the family.
So so it's a fun system.
It's a really fun system.
I call it subcontracting.
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I came up with it a long time ago and it's just been a lot
of fun.
I remember this one.
Mom the first time we were one of the first times I did it
she came in the second week and she like she was like beaming
and I'm like, wow, you're really happy this week what happened?
Well those vitamins really helped but I'll tell you that
subcontract was awesome.
I go.
What do you mean you guess she goes listen all the tours
got done and I don't have to say a word he's broke, but I
don't care.
So that works.
It's pretty cool.
Okay homework at home.
So what do we do these kids with homework?
Well, they should not be doing homework in their room.
They should not be laying on their bed.
They should not even be on a desk in their room.
They should not be anywhere where you cannot see their screen.
So let's pretend this is their computer screen.
You need to be to see it from wherever they are.
They're working on their desk.
They're working on their computer, whatever you need to make
sure they're not tabbing to other things that you need to
see their screen and they need multiple prongs.
UPS while you're there.
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They need a sound screen for the kids that are that are running
through the they need to be at the kitchen table or the breakfast
nook where their back is to you so you can see their screen
and you can see they're working and you can keep saying you're
doing a good job whenever they're going like this looking
around, you know.
Hey, you're doing a good job, isn't it?
Interesting instead of get back to work temporary insanity.
Now, they're mad now they're going to take a while to calm
down. I mean you guys have seen that they melt down 4 2013
Minutes and then there's like now it's going to take another
right and I have I was talking to a mom a couple days ago,
you know, it's just like happens like every every like 15
20 minutes.
It's a 20 to 30 minute meltdown doing homework and it takes
forever to get it done.
So we talked about triggers we talked about tone.
We talked about threats.
We talked about temporary insanity.
Okay, so parents need to be with the students.
Sometimes you have to be sitting right next to them while
they're doing the work that had one client a couple days
ago. Whenever they go to a are reading there are points in
the last two months.
The kid hasn't been doing it.
And the model is it's interesting to teach us been usually
communicating a lot.
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But this one issue they didn't communicate and you know,
why because they make them read it independently.
There's nobody there prompting them or anything.
I don't have the teacher takes a break during that time.
Just lets the kids read but he's not reading he's getting
behind. So so that kid needs to be sitting near the teacher
preferential seating needs multiple prompts to get them to
read and he will read and he can read me can comprehend.
He just needs somebody to prompt him every so often use a
display board.
So like a science project board kind of looks like that without
anything on it though.
Those science project boards kind of make like a cubicle
right when they do FSA testing if you have if a kid has ADHD,
you can ask for them to give you one and they will okay to
help them with that visual stuff.
If we go back here noise cancellation headphones can help
FM noise cancellation breakup assignments into small tasks
what we do with this science project board is on the left
side of the project board is where we put the assignments
to be done on the right is the planner in the middle is the
sound screen and you can plug the the noise cancellation
headphones into the sound screen to sometimes where it's
just ocean noise.
Not music music is not good music slows them down music motivates
them. Bit more kind of helps them get going but it's very
distracting because they're either listening to the music
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or they're doing their work.
They can't do both.
They can't multitask and then in the middle is their current
assignment they're working on and then when they're done
they get a five or ten minute break.
They put the assignment over there you get to check it and
have it ready have it all checked before they go on to the
next one so that you're not waiting until everything's done
and you're finding all these problems with all these assignments
and then they just have another meltdown because it's like
I got to start all over again.
And they get frustrated and for and throw their hands up
and give up.
So you want to kind of check things as you go.
It's kind of up is a pain, but that's why you want them close
to you what I'm near you not a home office unless you're
sitting next to him or in the same room with them where you
can check them multiple times a day Arthur during the there
in that time how many of us when were angry we are temporarily
insane we've talked about this when somebody starts yelling.
We lose our ability to logic and reasoning.
Okay, so I'm going to skip this part.
We already talked about this.
So here's what we're going to do with some buddies.
That we're going to Beckham you guys really want to vet them.
Don't you when they yeah, we're going to pick them was that
mean validation empathy choices validate empathy and then
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choices validation empathy is on the right side of the brain.
Okay choices is logical when they come down.
Now we can talk about choices when they when you validate
them. They're going to say no, duh when you say I can see
you're upset.
Well, no, duh.
I'm going to roll their eyes instead of saying.
Oh no, you didn't you can say I can see why you're upset.
I can see you're upset.
Because you want to be on the computer to play on the computer
somewhere. You want to play more video games?
Yes, I do.
They say yes.
Now the emotions come down.
You think they're getting worse.
They're actually getting their venting.
They're getting out their frustration if you let them but
if they go, yes, don't you say yes like that to me.
No.
You see what I'm saying?
So when they go, yes, then you value to begin.
Yeah.
I know you love the Call of Duty.
I know you like this and you know you validate that the empathize
with them.
But what time is it?
It's time to brush my teeth and take a shower and go to bed.
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Yes.
It is.
I'm sorry.
No, you're not.
I know why you think that but you know how much I love for
you to be in a play.
But what time is it what you know, really what's going on?
What time is it?
Maybe what I'll give you five minutes to make the right choice
and walk away.
And if they make the right decision awesome, if not, then
we'll do What's called the AMC plan right empathy.
I just kind of Illustrated that I got to get moving.
I'm sorry, you feel that way I can see why you feel that
way. I can see why you think that would work.
These are really good things to say when somebody is upset
how many of us husband's really could work on this to my
hands up.
Yeah, whoa, I'm going to validate that it would be nice.
Right so women are usually pretty good at that.
Okay, and let me say something really stupid Eve's right,
which we do a lot right do a lot.
You know, it's interesting.
There's a I think it was Gary Chapman marriage book and he
said that it's called relationship toolbox.
And it says that the and I read it.
I read it many years ago and it said that 85% of divorce
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is the man's fault.
This is a guy that wrote the book Okay, so Hope so usually
it is US Yves.
That doesn't validate them.
Nice very well.
And I mean I get defensive.
I mean, I'm a guy I'm not I'm a therapist but doesn't mean
I can't be a guy right and so I messed up with that a lot
and even with my kids sometimes, you know, they'll hook me
too. I mean, it's that's you know, we're human.
We that's one of the things about humans is we make mistakes
we mess up we make mistakes and that's why it's really good
for us to apologize and to these to them as well.
Okay, so let me get moving here once They do calm down we
resolved with What's called the AMC plan?
Be careful not to recommend consequences for emotional response
already said that let them get their frustration out.
All right.
Okay.
It's I know it's really embarrassing right so that AMC plan
is really powerful.
I was talking to Melanie and she uses this principle, you
know, and so basically so on the V.
It's at a PC but a is apologize m is how can I make it up
to you and Miss make it up?
Let me make it up to you somehow.
How can I make it up and whatever you do to make it up you
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do more than you did to do more than you need to lose it
to make it up.
So maybe it took me five seconds to curse you or push you
or shove you well, then I'll just apologize and do something
that takes me.
For 10 minutes then so then it takes me longer to make it
up. Does it make sense?
And this and we talked about how trust is the glue and relationship?
So this is all on this handout and in the workbook when you
get it, it actually has the like something that says Builder
break. So basically whenever somebody breaks trust you say
did that build trust or break trust and it says Builder break
and it's on the fridge and then you flip it over and on the
back is this right here apology make it up, you know, and
that's what's so cool about it.
Hey, when we break trust we can fix it rather than oh my
God. Gosh, you did that again.
How many times I have to keep telling you that what were
you thinking?
Well, by the way, if their ADHD were they thinking no, they
don't have that luxury.
Like we do so don't say what were you thinking?
Don't just say hey tell me what happened.
Tell me a little bit about that.
Right?
So this is a great way for them.
If you say you've got a four weeks you're grounded and you
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realize you went over the top.
This is a great way to make that up.
Go apologize make it up and then you know what I'll give
you back your privileges.
What do you think?
What would you like to do?
You want four weeks with me or would you I'll do the chore
or they might be insane if they're upset.
I'm not doing it for you guys.
So then they just need some time how many of us need time
when were upset how many of us need coffee before you have
a conversation?
That's my wife this morning.
That's every morning actually.
Okay, so, okay.
All right.
Any questions, let's do some Q&A and then I need to get I
know we need to get going here because we're over on my time
a little bit.
But any questions well, gosh, I have a two year old and he
doesn't get what he wants.
He freaks out to I mean, it's really hard for them to verbalize
what they're thinking what they're feeling or in his case
may be what he's been through and so, you know, we usually
like to recommend Levy like a play therapist for they can
kind of play out their stuff play it out in the sand because
they just can't express how they feel.
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So we have those in all of our offices.
We have a sand tray and figurines and things like that just
to kind of help them play out what whatever they lived through
whatever he went through the hell that they went through
that. I'm to you so that might be one thing to do there.
But in the course diet really is important to just making
sure you're cleaning up things that they get because that
can make it that can be a game-changer.
I had a kid up F's and do the vitamins and the diet and nothing
happened. And then then we took them out of gluten and dairy
and the teachers like what did you do?
Did you put them on meds, you know because Thursday and Friday
the day he started gluten-free.
He got it a he went from an f and that's class to Ace.
Okay, just by that the fog was Did fact I think Melanie would
say that about one of her son's that when they went off wheat
it was like the fog was lifted and he was able to focus and
then he graduated from UF, I think so.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yes.
Oh, would it be a be nice if they were stabilized before
putting your home is what you're saying that well, that's
not up to me.
That's actually the foster care system.
I wish I don't have that kind of power.
But I mean, that would be nice if they could be stabilized.
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I mean sometimes when kids do get into a nice stable home.
They just kind of fall in line.
That's nice, isn't it?
It's refreshing and then there's the there's one or two that
don't you know that not more more than that.
I don't know what the numbers are.
But but yeah, I mean, they're just bringing in.
You know, I mean you guys are stepping in because that you
know, somebody else didn't do their job.
And so you're having to step in and you don't expect them
to just, you know, something, you know, my, you know, I know
some people that think that, you know, I'm providing you
this home and they take everything personally that these
kids do and I just want you to know, don't you?
You shouldn't take it personal.
This is not personal and then I have moms that say well,
how can you not take it personal?
Well, that's true.
We need to validate the moms for that in the dads and validate
their feelings.
But then also understand if you take it personal that's very
powerful that's powerful because now they can just push your
buttons and you'll take it personal and then they got you
they hooked you because misery loves company.
They don't want to be mad by themself.
That's crazy.
That's actually that's where we'll get put in an institution
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if they're like bad over there by themselves and nobody's
there that's crazy that is it's really crazy it's not temporary
crazy that's crazy does that make sense OK OK let it be more
questions so on the new handouts on the new handouts we just
have liquid we have two bowls and we have the vitamins the
whole vitamins so you just kind of pick based upon their
age does that make sense like if they could do to a Bulls
game chewables so they are we have liquids so you have to
ask the the psychiatrist about it we do have psychiatrist
at understand the vitamins so we're able to work with them
so if you don't like that you can come if you want to consult
with us or something we can like help you with that okay
so yes any more questions yes that's right good answer trust
is the glue and release yeah that's right rocket so trust
is the glue and relationships everything we do builds our
brakes trust right so that's the handout that goes on your
fridge Everything and by the way, when they build trust hey,
when you did when you made your bed without me asking that
that build trust or break trust and the answer would be billed.
Yeah, man.
I'm going to say something when you do this for about two
to three weeks you want to keep doing it.
But when you do it for two or three weeks man, you want to
talk about how close you're going to be how much closer you
will be because that is the glue.
You don't trust these kids right?
But if you give them a way to build that trust back and by
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the way, thank you for doing that chore for me.
I really feel like you rebuilt my trust.
Does that make sense?
So does that build trust or break trust?
This is all on the handout everything.
We do builds our breaks trust.
Right?
So you have apologized.
Ask him to say you know while you forgive me.
This is all on your handout and okay.
Here's the tears a log.
That's in the workbook that you guys are going to get that
for those of you that signed up for the shopping cart.
Right for the Defiance.
There's the log and has AMC first time you break trust you
apologize safe or nice things.
If you said something mean you say something nice.
If you do something mean you do something nice, but you just
do it just takes longer to do do something nice to rebuild
the trust and it did to do something mean right.
If you take something you give it back plus something of
equal value that makes it stop they'll stop taking the iPad.
They'll stop stealing things if they have to apologize and
make it up do chores and earn all that money to do it and
you handle that money and then they had it right back to
you. They'll stop guys.
Thank you so much for having me.
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I really appreciate it.
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