For mo re bu si ne ss, exe cu ti ve or li fe co ac hi ng ti psa nd stra tegi es to he lp yo u ac hieve yo u r goa ls

a nd c re a te a nd liv e the life yo u 've a lwa ysw a nte d, vi si t www .b lue skycoa c hi ng. co m. a u

or to fi ndo u t m ore a bou t the m a ny w a ys yo u ca n wo rk wi th me i n2008co ntac t Ta nia be lo w.

t 8338313 4 m 0411471941 e ta nia@b luesk ycoac hing. com.au w www.blu esk ycoac hing.com.auCo p yri g ht 2007 byB lueS ky Co ac hi ng .

10TipsforTalkingandListeningtoEachOther

Talkingtoyourpartnereachdayisanessentialingredientinahappy,longlastingrelationship.

Activelylisteningtoyourpartnerandbeinginterestedinwhattheyhavetosay,isevenmoreimportant.

Likemostrelationshipskills,listeningandtalkingtoeachotherproperlyrequiressomeeffort.

Herearetengoodcommunicationskillsworthpractisinguntiltheybecomenaturalforyou.Somearespecificallyformen(M),someforwomen(W)andmostareforboth(B):

1. Listenactively(B):Agoodlistenerisn'tsomeonewhojustsitstherequietlylettingyoutalk.It'ssomeonewhoactivelylistenstoyou.Theirbodylanguagewillshowyouifthey'regenuinelyinterested.They''llleanforward,eagerto hearwhatyou'reabouttosay.Ifyou'resharingsomethingfunnywiththem,they'lllaughwithyou.Ifyou'reworried,they'lllookedconcernedaswell.They'llacknowledgewhatyou'resayingeveryfewsentenceswithan'uhhuh'andcommentonthesubject.Whenyou'vefinishedtheconversation,you'llfeelasthoughthey'veheardeverywordyousaidandtriedtoexperienceitwithyou.

2. Don'tallowyouremotionstostopyoufromlistening(B):Whenyou'rehavingadiscussionwithsomeoneandsomethingthey'vesaidhastriggeredanemotionalresponseinyou suchasanger,shockorhurt don'tgetstuckthereandtuneoutofthediscussion.Ifyouneedto,askthemtostopwhatthey'resaying,soyoucancleartheair,andthencontinueyourdiscussion.Issuesseldomgetresolvedbetweentwoangrypeopleifoneofthemshutsdownandwalksawayorrefusestolistenandcontinuethediscussion

3. Taketurns(B):Ensurethatyoueachhaveanequalopportunitytospeakwithoutinterruption.Ifthat'snotoccurringnaturally,tryusinga'talkingstick'.A'talkingstick'canbeanyobjectreadilyathand,fromawoodenspoonathometoarulerintheworkplace.Givethepersonwho'sspeakingthe'talkingstick'andtellthemtheyhaveyourundividedattention, tospeakwithoutanyinterruptionsfromyou,forthenext5minutes.Thenswapoverandaskthemtodothesameforyou.Toensurethatyou'veeachunderstoodtheother'spointofview,mirrorbackwhatthey'vejustsaidtoyouinyourownwords.

4. Don'tblameoraccuse!Use'I'statementsinstead,toconveyyourfeelingsandtheimpactonyouoftheotherperson'sbehaviour(B):

Insteadofsaying,'You'rea__'or'Youmademefeel__',say,'Ifelt__whenyoubehavedinthatway.''I'statementswereintroducedbyDrThomasGordoninthelate1970sasanassertivecommunicationskill.'I'statementshelpustoexpressourpointofviewcalmly,withoutblamingtheotherpersonortreadingontheirtoes,asopposedtoacommand,threatorcomplaint.Theyalsohelpuscommunicateinawaythatwon'tmaketheotherpersondefensive.

5. Bespecific(B):Ifyouwantsomeonetoknowyoureallycareaboutthem,bespecificinyourcommunicationswiththem.Askthemspecificquestionsandacknowledgeorwishthemwellwithspecificthingsyouknowarecomingupforthem.Forexample,insteadofjustaskingyourpartner,'Howwasyourday?'eachday,askthem'Howdidyourmeeting withtheshedguygotoday?'or,insteadofthestockstandard'Haveagoodday!'sayto yourchild,'Haveagoodtimeatyourfriend'spartythisafternoon!'

6. Bepatient(M):Whenlisteningtoawomanspeak,acceptthatoften,womentelllongstories,unlikemenwho,generally,justsummarise.Acceptshe'lltellthewholestory.Don'tsay'Canyougettothepoint?'

7. Don'tjumpinwiththesolution(M):

For mo re bu si ne ss, exe cu ti ve or li fe co ac hi ng ti psa nd stra tegi es to he lp yo u ac hieve yo u r goa ls

a nd c re a te a nd liv e the life yo u 've a lwa ysw a nte d, vi si t www .b lue skycoa c hi ng. co m. a u

or to fi ndo u t m ore a bou t the m a ny w a ys yo u ca n wo rk wi th me i n2008co ntac t Ta nia be lo w.

t 8338313 4 m 0411471941 e ta nia@b luesk ycoac hing. com.au w www.blu esk ycoac hing.com.auCo p yri g ht 2007 byB lueS ky Co ac hi ng .

Whenawomanistalkingtoyouaboutadilemma,don'tassumeshe'saskingyouforananswerandjumpinwithone.Shemightjustwanttotalkaboutherdilemmawithyou.Ifyou'renotsurewhat'sexpectedofyou,thenaskher'Areyouwantingmyadviceorareyoujusttalkingthisthrough?'

8. Don'trushhim(W):Whenraisinganemotionalissuewithaman,givehimtimetothinkaboutwhathefeelsbeforeexpectinghimtogiveyouaresponse. Notallmenfinditeasytoexpresstheiremotions.Givehimanopportunitytosearchfortherightwordstoexplainwhathefeels,aschancesare,hemightnothavepreviouslythoughtabouttheissueatall.

9. Don'tinterpretsilenceasdisinterest(W):Ifyoudon'treceiveanimmediateresponsetowhatyou'vejustsaid,don'tassumethatmeanshe'snotinterested.Hemightjustbethinkingitthroughbeforeresponding.Thisisoneofthemaindifferencesbetweenhowmenandwomencommunicate:womentendtothinkoutloud,mentendtoworkthingsthroughintheirheads.

10. Workouthowyoucommunicatebestandworkwithyourstrengths(B):Doyoufinditeasiertoexplainyourselfverballyortowritethingsdown?Ifyou'reabouttotackleanissuewithsomeonethatcouldpotentiallyleadtoanargument,considerwritingdowneverythingyou'dliketosaydownandhandingthemaletter,thendiscussingwhat'swritten.Thisway,youcanstate,clearlyandspecifically,allthepointsyou'dliketogetacross.What'stheperfectpositiontotalkwithyourpartnerintimately?It'ssittingfacetoface,aboutfivefeetawayfromeachother.Apparently,womenareuncomfortablediscussingpersonalmattersfromanyfurtherawayandmendon'tlikeitwhenwomenareanycloser.