Christina Matthews MS MA LCPC CCHI LemondropHypnosis.com

USING ANCHORS IN RELATIONSHIPS

Parenting and Child

Relationship Strategies

How To Use Anchors With A Child

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY

ANCHORS FOR SURVIVAL

• We have been creating anchors in our minds since before we were even born. Without language, our subconscious minds have anchored the beat of our mother’s heart and subtle eye movements and the sounds of our caregivers voices, helping us know we were safe.

WHAT ARE ANCHORS?

• Anchors cause us to respond in certain ways. They are associated with a specific stimulus of set of stimuli (S-> R)

• Ivan Pavlov rang a tuning fork when he gave a dog a steak. Each time the dog would salivate. Even after taking the steak away, the dog would still salivate when it heard the tuning fork. This became known as classical conditioning.

• Humans in the 21st Century have countless anchors in their subconscious minds. Anchors can be positive or negative.

EXAMPLES OF ANCHORS:

• Jingles• Smells • Colors• Textures• Flavors • Movements

TYPES OF ANCHORS

Chained Anchor• Chain 3-5 intermediate

anchors if a person is resistant.

• Create positive anchor(s) that will change the person’s state in smaller steps toward the desired change.

• Decide what intermediate anchors might be useful and design the sequence.

• Have the person create their peak state

• Use and repeat for each intermediary anchor state

• This might also be done over a period of time.

Stacked Anchor

• Use multiple stimuli at once during a peak state.

• Remove: negative a negative anchor (fear, phobia, pain, association, etc.) OR

• Install positive anchor

Things to Use:• Color/photo• Sound/song• Texture/blanket• Memory/memento• Gesture• Hug, kiss, smile• Fact, fact, fact• Skill, skill, skill

THE IMPORTANCE OF RAPPORT

Create meaningful positive events and experiences with your child. Be sure to include positive emotional states such as laughter, smiling, hugs, kisses, high-fives, etc. Imbed sensory filled (touch, smell, movement, sounds, tastes, smells, etc.) events into the experience. ( A trip, playing or sports, art projects, singing, laughing, music, making a video, eating a healthy snack, sharing hugs, kisses, high fives.)

• To create an anchor, repeatedly use one or more sounds, scents, touches, tastes, and/or movements that can be used to anchor yourself to your child in a positive state. (Ex: A-OK sign with thumb and forefinger.) When several things are done simultaneously, it is what is referred to as STACKING ANCHORS.

COLLAPSING NEGATIVE ANCHORS WITH CHILDREN

• Draw from experiences where positive anchors (unique, repeatable, meaningful) have been created or create a memorable experience.

• When a negative anchor occurs (example getting upset about homework), collapse the negative anchor by attaching a positive anchor to a PEAK state.

• Have the child recall a very positive memory (peak state).

• Increase that positive state

• Imagine that state being even 10 x better.

• Stack positive anchor(s)

• In about 10-15 seconds break the peak state

• Repeat the process to make sure the anchor works

WILL ANCHORS WORK WITH CHILDREN?

ANCHORS WILL WORK WHEN:

• THE CHILD IS IN A PEAK STATE

• THE MEANINGFUL ANCHOR(S) IS APPLIED TO THE PEAK STATE

• THE STIMULUS FOR THE ANCHOR IS UNIQUE

• THE ANCHOR IS PRACTICED OVER AND OVER.

NOTE: Creating a PEAK state requires involvement in rapport building with your child. NOTE: Naturally occurring peak states are the most intense. This vividly remembered PEAK state will be a good option when not formally using hypnosis, but may be a little less intense than creating an anchor or stacked anchors while under hypnosis.

IT TAKES EFFORT

USE POSITIVE ANCHORS FOR THE HOMEWORK SPACE

• Create a space designated specifically for homework. Place mementos and items from a rapport building experience in the homework area to help reinforce a peak state. Try decorating a large appliance box or a small collapsible tent.

DESIGNATED HOMEWORK SPACE

It is important to create an area specifically geared for homework. This area should not be anchored to other stimuli.

FOR EXAMPLE:

• Studying at the kitchen/dining room table is also associated with family interactions and eating. Negative experiences with homework in this spot could create a negative anchor for the child about eating or family time.

• Using the bed for homework could create a negative anchor related to going to bed, dreaming, or getting restful sleep.

• Doing homework in the living/family room could create a negative anchor related to family time and it is also distracting.

CUBICLE (circle) OF HOMEWORK EXCELLENCE

While the child is in the peak state, collapse the negative anchor simultaneously by symbolically removing the bad associations with homework. Use a sweeping, pushing, erasing, or other motion to remove the negative anchors. Make this fun and let the child feel

powerful.

Before homework begins, symbolically step into the homework area. Describe it as a place of success and creativity. Once inside, create the

emotional peak state that was created during the rapport building event by talking about a memory of something positive the child was

able to do during that time. Use the specific sound, scent, touch, taste, or movement you used repeatedly during the rapport building process.

BREAKING DOWN THE PROCESS: Chaining Anchors

• If the child needs more help, try chaining the positive anchors in steps. This helps the child accept the new anchor a little at a time.

• Extend the session by re-igniting positive sensations of the peak state with the specific anchor stimulus (high five, A-OK, etc.).

• Then, as before the child begins homework, ask him or her to tell you something in the designated study environment that they see, smell, taste, hear, feel, etc.

DESIGNATED SPACE PROCEDURES:(Don’t use the word RULES!)

• If the child gets upset while in the special area for homework, allow the child to leave the space (5 minutes) and try changing state by getting a drink, going for a brief walk, listening to music, playing music, doing exercise of some sort, etc.

• Do not continue in the newly formed space until the child is in a positive state.

If the child uses the new space:

• Try to discourage the child from coming to you to complain about not wanting to do homework. Only offer to give help specifically related to the homework, then leave the space. Don’t argue or bargain. These are negative anchors.

• Assure the child you are nearby.

• Avoid reinforcing off task behavior.

• Serendipitously reward the child for staying on task and using their skills.

MORE IDEAS FOR CHAINING

• Focus on one of the child’s strengths by noting/affirming: I remember how you were able to figure out how to read the signs at the zoo? …Keep track of how far we walked? …Not get tired even though the day was soooo long? …Stay patient in the long lines? …Not lose your cool even when you were hot and tired?

• Using an old graduation cap or create a thinking cap. This might also help the child to focus on being successful during homework.

• (It should only take 2-3 steps to chain towards a positive state. The last part of the chain should definitely be a positive “Toward State.”)

• PAY ATTENTION TO POSITIVE BEHAVIOR • IGNORE (OR AT LEAST MINIMIZE YOUR

ATTENTION AND REACTIONS) TO NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR.

THE BEHAVIOR YOU REINFORCE IS THE BEHAVIOR YOU WILL GET

IMPORTANT THINGS TO LET YOUR CHILD KNOW

• EVERYONE (EVEN A CHILD) HAS ALL THE RESOURCES THEY NEED TO SUCCEED!!

• EVERYONE IS IN CHARGE OF THEIR OWN MIND, AND THEIR RESULTS

• THEY CAN BRING THEMSELVES BACK TO A HAPPY STATE AT ANY TIME

IMPORTANT THINGS FOR ADULTS TO KNOW:

• If you are feeling frustrated with your child, remember that they are not their behavior.

• Behavior is dependent upon the context it appears in.• All behavior has a positive intention.• Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they

have available.• Resistance is a sign of a lack of rapport. If the child has

rapport with you and homework is still a struggle, it is time to find out who the child does not have rapport with, be it a teacher or peer.

• Sometimes, your child may need more individuated instruction or intervention.

HOW TO USE ANCHORS IN A SPOUSE OR PARTNER RELATIONSHIP

FIRST THINGS FIRST…You can start to work on setting positive anchors and collapsing negative anchors in a relationship, but for a relationship to be really strong, you must also be aware of how you and your partner/spouse communicate so that you know are loved and attracted to each other.Partners/spouses must be able to articulate, identify and utilize each other’s strategies for feeling loved (words, actions, movements, things, etc.) to be assured they are truly loved and attracted to each other. This, of course, takes time to learn, but is a great way to help your relationship be long lasting and successful.

Be aware what has to happen in order for each of you to feel loved and attracted to each other. Each of you must be able to know this in very specific terms. Make sure you discuss all your values and how they get met in your own mind. Broad terms like loved, cared for, sharing, closeness, attention, and loyalty will need to be refined with much more information.

Don’t make the mistake of trying to satisfy your partner/spouse’s needs by giving them what you value in a relationship. Give them what they value. They must do the same for you. Partners/spouses rarely both value the exact same things.

A positive relationship is two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

PARTNER/SPOUSE SCENARIO

This is an activity you can do with your partner in awareness, or subtly do for your partner to collapse a negative anchor.

• At the beginning of your relationship, you are always glad to see your partner/spouse after time has separated you with work or other responsibilities. When you are reunited with your partner, your inclination is probably to greet them when they come through the door with kind words, a hug and/or kiss. This is a great thing to do if your partner/spouse is in a good mood and realizes he/she has missed you.

• Over time, at the end of a long absence, you may find yourself greeting your spouse only to find them in a grumpy mood, tired, complaining about the negative events of the day or other stressors. Eventually, you do not feel they notice you or care about you at all, and you begin to dread them coming home and start to feel less and less attracted to them.

• When this occurs, a negative anchor has been created in your relationship.

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COLLAPSE A NEGATIVE ANCHOR

• Find other times during your relationship when you feel connected and content, to touch your partner/spouse in a very loving way.

• Consistently touch them in the same way and in the same place on their body

• When they come home in a negative mood, greet them with this good touch (even though it isn’t very motivating to do it)

• It will trigger a positive state in them and collapse the negative behavior.

• Soon, you will return to looking forward to seeing your partner/spouse

EXAMPLES OF NEGATIVE RELATIONSHIP ANCHORSThere are a lot of things that get anchored to a romantic relationship which cause couples to start being unhappy with their each other. When partner/spouse can separate the behavior (negative anchor) from the person, they can collapse the negative anchor and mindfully create a positive anchor that can help them restore their attraction:

Discontinuing the actions that let the other person know you love them and

are attracted to them.

Being in a negative mood about work when you

kiss or hug your partner at the door at the end of

the day.

Arguing about bills in the bedroom or dining room.

Arguing in bed. Arguing after sex. Ignoring your

partner after sex.

Arguing on vacation

Focusing on unappreciated habits of the partner: toothpaste

lids and toilet seats.

Arguing about household responsibilities.

Depending on the other person to solve your

problems.

Being unable to take the perspective of your

partner

DELIBERATELY COLLAPSE NEGATIVE ANCHORS

• As a couple, recognize the negative anchor state. Be determined to break it.

• Partners/spouses put themselves into a PEAK state at the same time, then intensify it 10 x more. A PEAK state would be a time you felt totally loved, energized, confident, powerful, successful, happy, joyful, grateful, etc. (Maybe something like a wedding or engagement day?)

• Each person uses the same positive anchor during this PEAK state: hug, kiss, hand squeeze, word, etc. It could be helpful to add other sensory modalities that could be in place such as a scent, sound, and texture as well. (Anchors must be unique for the situation and not used in another scenario. It must be unique and repeatable.)

• Remember, you each must be in an intense peak state.

• You must apply the pre-selected anchor during the peak state for both of you at the same time. Hold it for 5-15 seconds, no longer.

• Break the state. Repeat to make sure you can achieve the state again.

If Anchors Are Not Enough, Here Are Some Things To Remember…

Each person uses 1 - 2 major modalities to process incoming information: Auditory, Visual, Tactile, Kinesthetic, Gustatory.

Events and information in life are either deleted, distorted, or generalized in our minds. We can’t pay attention to everything. Sometimes we miss cues

that are as obvious as billboards to our partner/spouse.

Each person has a unique model of the world. Events get filtered through their values, beliefs, skills & abilities, experiences, behaviors.

The meaning of your communication is the response you get back from the other person.

Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available.

All behavior has a positive intention.

Behavior is dependent upon the context it appears in.

Feeling frustrated with your spouse/partner? They are not their behavior.

SOME THINGS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU THROW IN THE TOWEL

Does my negative belief about my partner

empower me? Does it serve a purpose?

What are the consequences of this

negative belief now and in the future?

What would have to happen for me to no

longer have this negative belief?

Are there people who do not share my negative belief?

When is my negative belief not true?

What is the opposite of this negative belief?

What do I really want to believe instead of this

negative belief?

What are the benefits of holding the positive

belief?

Bottom Line in Relationships

If your values in a relationship are being

satisfied in a relationship your attraction will be

anchored to your partner/spouse.

If your values for a relationship are not being

satisfied, over time you will lack/lose the motivation to continue the relationship.

Your relationship values may change as you go through different phases in your

relationship such as parenting, career, empty

nest, retirement, etc.

THANK YOU CHRISTINA MATTHEWS MS MA

LCPC CCHI +1 815.342.1224

lemondrophypnosis@gmail.com

lemdrophypnosis.com

LEMONDROP HYPNOSIS

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