Thriving Abroad Together Podcast Series

Episode #5: Calming Troubled Waters: Strategies to Help Parents Support their Children in Challenging Times.We all deal with stressful situations in different ways, this is something I have known and understood professionally for years, but now, confined in close quarters with the ones I love most in the world – it is something I am experiencing day to day, and I suspect I am not alone.

Around the world families, including expat families, are spending a lot of ‘quality’ time together.

Tempers may be fraying as parents juggle work, home-schooling and entertainment duties, and kids/teens try to adjust to a life far removed from their norm of school or university. Parents who are struggling may be asking ‘are we getting this right?’ and ‘how can we better support our kids through these challenges?’

Of course, as parents we want to support our children/teens in the best possible way, but it’s not always easy to know how best to do this - especially when we are all grappling with the immediate consequences and longer-term uncertainty of how things are going to play out.

In this conversation, Elizabeth Gillies, an educational psychologist provides helpful strategies, calming guidance and great approaches for supporting our families through these challenging times.

In this episode we discuss:

What causes anxiety and stress, and how we can learn to manage it. Why emotions matter and why sweeping them under the carpet won’t do! How our expat experience of change and transition can help us cope with the more

challenging times. Strategies for dealing with worries – even the tangible, very real ones. How to build a healthy mind. How to teach children about emotional contagion and mental flexibility – Elizabeth

shares some great books, ideas and resources.

Key Takeaways

We are all wired for threat, we’re alert and vigilant to it. Our ancestors were likely risk averse, that’s how we are all here. We are on the look-out for danger and threat, because that is what keeps us safe. When things are fine, we are not selectively attending to that as we don’t have to act. We only have to act in a brain focused way when our brain goes into threat mode – flight, fight or freeze. It is a survival mechanism, designed to keep us safe. When this happens, it is important that we are aware of how we are threatened.

Understanding how anxiety plays out for different people, and the value of learning to spot how it plays out for us – for Elizabeth it is cleaning, for Louise it is job hopping.‘But you have to find out about your own unique triggers, so that you know what it is in you. You can understand it for yourself, that this is what it is. It's anxiety.’

1© The Thriving Abroad Podcast www.THRIVINGABROAD.com

Big emotions are highly contagious. This is important for parents to understand, knowing your own anxiety and how it spreads to other people. This is how children learn how to manage their own anxiety, by watching other people’s interactions and how they model/handle difficult things.

We all play out our anxieties in different ways and for children this will depend on their developmental stage e.g. four to six-year olds are starting to have vivid imaginations so they may be scared of the dark, separation, wondering what will happen if I get lost. Adolescents are more aware of the wider world and are developing a broader world image. They have wider concerns and anxieties about what is happening in the world. People play out their anxieties dependent on their developmental stage.

Emotional regulation – is likely one of the most important skills in the 21st century. Knowing what your emotional reactions and thoughts are and being able to deal with them is a valuable skill. It is not about, not having them, it is about having them and then being able to manage them.

We have between 70,000 to 100,000 thoughts every day. It is not about trying to stop thoughts, but about being aware we are having them, and learning to manage them:‘Not that you have to only be thinking of the positive, you have to learn how to deal with the difficult, to deal with the discomfort, to deal with the uncertainty’.

How to deal with thoughts:

Dan Siegel, talks about ‘name it to tame it’. David Rock – by naming what you are feeling: anger, worry, you can reduce its

impact by 50%. Think about our triggers and think about what we can do to reduce those triggers.

Performance Anxiety Curve:We don’t always have to think about anxiety as a bad thing – it can be a positive thing to have a bit of anxiety as it motivates us to get things done. It motivates us to put our attention on what we need to do to keep us healthy and safe.

This graph shows the performance anxiety curve which Elizabeth uses when talking to students about exam anxiety.

As students approach exams, they move from relaxed and laid back to feeling some sense of urgency and some level of stress. This gets them up in the morning and revising etc. In the yellow zone it is optimal stress.

But there is a tipping point, where, without personal awareness and coping strategies, students may become overwhelmed and that ultimately can lead to the red zone, of high anxiety levels and meltdown.

How to cope? Elizabeth uses some ideas from transition cycles – where there is a reaction to a change, for a while, but ultimately people adjust and go back to settled. This would be the idea with anxiety. There is this knowledge, that OK, this is tough at the moment, but I know I can get back to settled and work in a really good way. We need to get ourselves into a state where there is some good anxiety, that leads us to do something different.

2© The Thriving Abroad Podcast www.THRIVINGABROAD.com

In this current situation, there is a temptation to go and reside in the green zone in terms of daily activities, veg with Netflix. But perhaps that’s not the healthiest approach. So, think about taking some daily activities that get you ‘doing’. They don’t have to be major projects e.g. a mix of: exercise, a work project, an indulgent activity and a connection activity. But it is up to us to choose things that make us feel positive and in a good place mentally.

What if the anxiety is constantly playing out in thoughts – lack of focus, worry etc? Take a top down approach. The first is to deal with the thoughts – you cannot tell yourself ‘don’t worry’ but you can give yourself worry time. You can talk to people. Elizabeth shared a couple of metaphors/strategies:

Thoughts are like chaotic puppies running wild. Need to train and organise the puppies, file them.

Journaling helps – writing your thoughts down freely for your eyes only. Think of crossing the road. At the start you are worrying about the traffic, you cross

looking and thinking about the traffic, but once across you are safe and you let those worries go.

Think of buses – put your worries on a bus, the bus comes along, you see your worries and then you watch them go away.

You can also do the bottom up strategies – think about the physical sensations that come with worry, you can use breathing, tensing and relaxing, mindfulness, yoga.

Some people need the bottom up strategies and others need the top down and also it will depend on the type of worry.

What do you do with the real tangible worries e.g. financial worries which are very real and present?Sort your worries into productive/unproductive or helpful and non-helpful worries. Helpful worries are things that have some real immediate consequence. Get into problem solving mode. Who can I ask for help? What can I do now? What actions can I take to help this situation?Then, non-helpful worries, perhaps about what ‘might happen’ bigger world impacting worries that you have little control over. They are still valid, and we still need to develop strategies for dealing with them. We also need to recognise that it is human nature to have this full range of worries. And that some things in life are hard, really hard and we have to know that.

For parents, there is a tendency to think we only want our children to have positive, happy, optimistic emotions. We shield them from the rest. But that is not realistic and is not preparing them for life. They need to learn in an age appropriate way, what range of emotions can exist and how to manage them in a healthy way.

‘So, feeling a bit hopeless and helpless, sometimes is actually fine. You know, feeling frustrated, feeling a bit angry about something, feeling a bit sad. I think they're all meant to be there, as humans, and it's how we manage them. That's the important thing’.

3© The Thriving Abroad Podcast www.THRIVINGABROAD.com

Building a healthy mind:

We need to be careful we are not focusing on just one or two areas. It is a balance of different ingredients, just like a plate of healthy food has a range of colours and textures.

Identify what helps you to destress and then build that into your day. Build a range of activities in the balance that works for you.

This is a personal thing: identify the balance of activities that works for you.This is a good visual guide to use with older children and teens who are looking for ways of structuring their day into more meaningful activities.

Look to build in some fun – because talking and thinking about anxiety and worries is a serious business, so build in some laughter and levity.

How can parents enable thoughts and behaviours that are positive in their children?

Be mindful as a parent about how you are playing out your own anxiety. Mentalization: put yourself into your children’s world and look at the situation from

their perspective. Some may be feeling sad at the moment due to the end of school, others quite happy not to have to go each day.

Lead the way: A lot of the time it doesn’t matter too much, but at times like this, we as parents need to think carefully as this story demonstrates. Elizabeth was living in Japan and at the time of the Japanese earthquake, a Japanese colleague said, ‘this is my time’, now I really have to stand up and take a lead on this. Because what I do now really matters - the attention I give to things is really, really important. This is true for parents now, time to lead, but do so thoughtfully giving careful attention to what would work for your children, try and influence some things around the house that will help and not hinder. Don’t copy schedules, yes borrow ideas, but build what is right for you and your family.

Pay special attention to the children/teens who were due to transition this year; from primary to secondary, from year 11 (GSCE’s in the UK) to sixth forms and year 13 – leaving full time education. International students moving at short notice, university students not finishing degree courses. Rites of passages are being missed. Goodbyes and celebrations did not happen. How can you as parents support them to say goodbyes, to say what matters to friends, teachers etc? It is so important. There are opportunities still to do this in different ways. We can borrow from the work with third culture kids on transition by David Pollock and Ruth van Reken, as discussed in their book: Third Culture Kids; Growing Up Among Worlds

4© The Thriving Abroad Podcast www.THRIVINGABROAD.com

They talk about RAFT:Reconciliations: making repairs, leaving in peace so we can begin in peace. If we leave with conflict, we carry that to the next place.Affirmations: letting people we care about, know how much they matter. Saying thank you to teachers, friends and others who we appreciated.Farewells: Saying goodbye and recognising that it is sad to be leaving those people and places that were important to us.Think destination: Connect to the new location, ask for advice, begin to think about your new life there.

Book: Third Culture Kids: David Pollock and Ruth van Reken

Role Play: Helping children to deal with difficult situations and emotions:

We don’t want our children to be upset – when children have difficult emotions it can be challenging to deal with them and it can be tempting to try and placate them, sort the situation out, so they are happy again.

But they are already sad and upset, far better to recognise and empathise with their feelings. Because, if we do the former, we are saying, we don’t trust your emotions.

If we listen, then our children feel heard and are supported to build their own coping mechanisms. They learn to sit with their uncomfortable emotions, which is a helpful lesson for life.

Remember the 4 S’s: Seen – Soothed - Safe - Secure (Dan Siegel)

But be careful on the soothed, don’t over-reassure, kids can read through to our own anxiety/worry if we overplay it.

Name it to Tame it:

You can do a lot of this through literature. Another way to help children understand emotions is from third party events, through books and films. Engage them in short conversations about how characters might be feeling in certain situations and why.

Book: The Pig of Happiness by Edward Monkton: Teaching kids that emotions are contagious and that we are all connected and influenced by the behaviour of others. We are all connected and what we do has an effect on others.

Pumpkin Soup: Helen Cooper. All about three individuals living in a house together and they all start arguing and then have to find a way to all live together.

Play games with them – for example the Fortunately/Unfortunately game.

Give kids lots of games and experiences to build their understanding that their thoughts don’t have to be the boss of them – they can build psychological flexibility.

5© The Thriving Abroad Podcast www.THRIVINGABROAD.com

What do you see?

Two images in one, demonstrates how we can read different things into the same situation depending on the perspective we take.

And a final word from Elizabeth:

‘I think we have to acknowledge that it is hard and difficult (right now). And we have to be kind of motivated to find other ways of doing things and not get stuck in that fight, flight, freeze, that there are things to do, and different ways to get through things. And you know, I have been struck by people's generosity and kindness and creativity at a time like this. And we can be drawn to look at that. Or we can be drawn to look at other things, and it's about somehow finding a balance in it.’

The questions we ask ourselves, shape our lives: here are some questions prompted by todays podcast:

How does worry/anxiety play out for you? How well do you ‘catch’ and observe your thoughts? Where would you place yourself on the performance anxiety curve? Is this serving

you? What about your children, where would you place them on the curve? How could you use the strategies discussed to manage your own worries and help

your children to manage theirs? How do you react when your children are emotionally unsettled? How could you

behave differently? Looking at the healthy mind platter, what does it suggest to you, you could do more

of/less of? What is the best way for you and your family to approach this new lifestyle and way

of being? (There is no right answer, just the answer that works best for you and your family). Experiment, try different things, laugh and have fun!

About Elizabeth Gillies:

Elizabeth is an Education Psychologist based in London who has worked in schools as a psychologist at the individual, group and systems level for 30 years. She has been fortunate to live, work and raise her family in America, Japan and Australia so, unsurprisingly, she is interested in identity, belonging and transitions.

Currently Elizabeth has a private practice and works in schools and with families, mainly in a counselling therapeutic role and as a trainer of school staff and parent workshops. Recently Elizabeth completed a Master Practitioner Diploma in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy an approach that can be effective in supporting young people and their families to understand and manage anxiety and depression.

Together with a great group of professionals in London, Elizabeth is growing a multi professional support services called Special Networks and can be found HERE

Elizabeth is also a Trustee on the Board of Hearts and Minds, which is a peer support charity for young people with mental health difficulties based in London HERE

6© The Thriving Abroad Podcast www.THRIVINGABROAD.com

Elizabeth is also Co-Chair off the UK Affiliate off Families in Global Transition (FIGT) HERE

You can connect with Elizabeth on LinkedIn HERE

About Louise Wiles:

Louise is a coach and consultant supporting individuals and organisations to navigate the challenges and maximise the opportunities and outcomes of relocation and international employment. Through her coaching and training programmes, Louise supports individuals and dual career couples to navigate change and transition positively and build thriving professional and personal lives abroad.

Louise holds a MSc, in Occupational Psychology, a Certificate in Creating Positive Change, is an Enhanced Narrative Coach Practitioner and a Certified Personal Performance Coach.

She is also the author of Thriving Abroad: The definitive guide to Professional and Personal Relocation Success and host of the Thriving Abroad Podcast Series.

If you would like to connect with Louise, you can email her Louise(at)Louisewiles.com

You can buy THRIVING ABROAD: The definitive guide to professional and personal relocation success HERE and download the free accompanying workbook HERE

Content Disclaimer:

The information contained above is provided for information purposes only. The contents of this podcast and show notes are not intended to amount to advice and you should not rely on any of the contents of this podcast and show notes. Professional advice should be obtained before taking or refraining from taking any action as a result of the contents of this podcast and show notes. Thriving Abroad Ltd, disclaims all liability and responsibility arising from any reliance placed on any of the contents of this podcast and show notes.

7© The Thriving Abroad Podcast www.THRIVINGABROAD.com