Dear D--,

Ever since you first kissed me, all I ever wanted to do for you was make you as happy as you have made me feel that night. The morning you left, I felt so alive and awake and in love. But we were both drunk when we kissed. Then when I danced with you, I thought you felt the same things I did. We held each other so close. Our foreheads were pressed together, and we stared so deeply into each other's eyes. I could have stared into your lovely eyes forever. The way you nudged your chin into my shoulder, the way you caressed me with your hands, the way we spun in seemingly endless circles...they all made me believe you felt the same way. But we were both drunk. Now I'm telling you sober: I am deeply in love with you. I love you so much and I can't stop thinking about you. All I ever wanted was to make you as happy as you made me, and I think you feel I can't fulfill the things you need. And that hurts a little, but that's okay. I am so in love with you that if the attainment of your happiness meant me never seeing you again or never hearing from you, I would do everything in my power to do so. If you told me to fuck off and go to hell (and maybe you should), I would still be in love with you.

Apparently you want nothing to do with me. You never call just to say hello. I know how busy you are. Maybe that's asking a lot from you. Maybe we're just two entirely different people. Maybe you were right: I'm not your type. But that doesn't mean I can't be in love with you. Sometimes I feel like you just used me to go to the formal. Sometimes I feel so deceived. I feel like you really hurt me deeply. Sometimes I feel like I'm making this whole situation more than what it really is. I don't know. But the only reason I wrote this was to tell you what we both knew all along: I am in love with you.

With all my care and affection,

K.

Chapter 2Please excuse my word vomit. There's no other way for me to say this...I don't know if I'll ever see you again and you don't need to go out of your way to do anything in response, but I'm doing this for my own benefit, for my own closure.Ever since the very first day of high school - I remember the very very first day of first period German I class, right around 7:50 AM in late August, a little over 5 years ago [AddedSat., March 19, 2011: Now it's been a little over 6 years ago] [added Sunday, January 6, 2013 - now almost 8 years ago] - was the very first day I had met you, laid eyes on you. You sat right in front of me, and when you turned around to look behind you or talk a little with me, I could barely speak without my palms sweating, my pulse racing.I also was in Mrs. P's class with you, and you and GW liked to fool around and sometimes even give her a hard time, but you were also quite smart and whenever you spoke up and answered in class, I was always amazed at how much and what you knew.As the first few years went by I started to get to know you a bit and actually thought that you were kind of a jerk. I remember you were once trying to get our German teacher to cry and kept asking her about Nazis and also how you never did your homework even though you were so smart...you even talked German to your dogs.I didn't have many classes with you, mostly just German classes...but later on I had Anatomy and Theology/Ethics with you senior year...we sat at the same table and during the cat dissection you were at table behind my group's. My group was right across from the pregnant cat, and I remember how you would sometimes come up to look at it.Yes, I thought you were a jerk earlier on, but I'd later come to realize that you were just a bit mischievous...I knew that you had a good heart, and you were always kind to me. I remember during a German class, we were about to take a test and I couldn't see the board, and since you were sitting in front of me and noticed that I couldn't see very well, you switched seats with me. I'll never forget that. I'll also never forget, too, how we used to talk sometimes after school outside on the park bench, especially junior and senior years. I didn't drive, but I would wait for my mom - instead of going to study hall haha - and you'd talk with me and keep me company, even if you were in any of the drama plays or if you were about to leave or whatever. I don't remember exactly what we'd talk about, but I only remember how happy it made me, spending a few minutes chatting with you. Sometimes you'd even offer me a ride home, even though I'm pretty sure you knew it took about 30 minutes driving there and involved crossing over a bridge. I remember how you talked to me and kept me company that time after sophomore year, when I had brought a book when your brother had a party at your house and invited me..how I had brought a book in the first place because I felt a little awkward...how your dogs sat at my feet and how you talked to me, even just for a little while. I remember how you eventually joined drama junior year and was in the very first play of the year with me. I remember that you were also in the very first play with me in senior year and how you had a pretty good lead role. Oh, how I was secretly a little jealous of GB whose part involved openly pining for you! And even though we got a little closer because of drama and we talked a little more and I was thinking of telling you my feelings, I found out that GB really did like you, and since I knew GB knew you longer than I did and GB was my friend, I thought that I would let her get to you...eventually, she somehow ended up dating CD...I was secretly jealous when you flirted with other girls...and I knew a little about your previous dating history...AP, EH, CS...and somehow felt like I'd be just "another" if you did happen to notice me that way...and I remember just before senior year, when we were doing senior pics...how you sat next to me and talked to me. I sometimes snuck glances at you, but you didn't seem interested...which was another thing that made me feel like I didn't have a chance...I knew some people spread rumors about you doing drugs and stuff, but I had never really believed in it because I knew you were a great guy whose kindness toward me was unforgettable...but I only discovered the truth, from you, at the juniors' Kairos when we were retreat leaders senior year.I'm aware that I hid my feelings from you and from every guy I had ever liked...but it was because I was shy...and also worried that you thought me unattractive...there was always that fear that outweighed it all...and I always wanted to protect my heart from any rejection....But now, let me finally say it...I loved you.You were the first guy I had ever loved that I had ever gotten to know before having these feelings. You were the guy I actually had had dreams about...I especially remember this one dream where I was in a kitchen, standing at the sink washing dishes, and you coming from behind me, hugging me...You probably never knew...or maybe you did...but I really just wanted to protect my heart...I was new at things like these, never had dated anyone, never had a bf before, never seriously cared for someone like I had cared for you...[AddedSat. March 19, 2011: I've come to learn that I've only hurt myself in the end...but somehow, I know that I can get through anything...even pain that I've inflicted upon myself. I am strong.]I wanted to tell you...I did, but when I felt ready, senior year had just about ended already...and you were going to a different college...I knew that if I really loved you, I had to let you go, you needed to meet other people...But still...I love you...and from time to time, I do think of you...and somehow I can't help but cry...do you love me...or have I just wasted all this time and energy? Will we ever meet again?I love you, and I've moved on but still hurt when I think of you, but whatever will happen will happen. I just want you to be happy.And I hope that writing this will eventually help me move on, reach closure.[AddedSat., March 19, 2011: "You have suffered enough and warred with yourself; it's time that you've won." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoSL_qayMCc]Chapter 3 - Merely an Infatuation.

My hands are swiftly moving the pen to the rhythmic pace of my heart beat.Lub-dub. Lub-dub. But instantly, the sound of your voice resonates into the chambers of my soul.Lubidy-dubidy-dub.There it goes again, my heart.

It has detached itself from my cortex and the blood comes rushing to my adipose filled cheeks.Gushing, streaming, beating. I don't know what else could fill me with so much ecstasy than your presence.

You've left me spilling black ink on unwritten pages.You've left me spilling my heart, pure red, on unwritten emotions.And my mind spirals relentlessly, creating unwritten stories.

Why do I torment myself with these illusionary fantasies that we may share.Why do I dream and dare?

Would it end bitter?Would it end sweet?

I recall the slight caress of your finger against my shoulder.Lub-dub. Lub-dub.

Once again, my heart embraces tranquility.In solitude reality strikes me.Contradictory is what we are.

An oxymoron. And so it will end, bitter-sweet.

Chapter 4

Dear D--,

I had everything I wanted to say planned out in my head, and now it's gone...I'm upset because you've let me hold the feelings I had for you so long. And I can almost say that I hate you for kissing me, but I can't. I can't because the morning after you kissed me, I felt like an angel. I felt handsome. And I just felt something I was so afraid to feel for so long, and a part of me didn't want to feel that way because it was afraid I would write a letter like this. The rug has been pulled from under me, and I can't feel anything but stupid. Stupid for making a kiss mean so much more than it really was. God, you really made me feel something I thought I would never feel. And I can't hate you for that. Sure, I'm sad that you don't feel the same way, but damn you for kissing me. Really. Damn you for making me feel so handsome. Damn you for making me feel so alive inside. Damn you for a kiss that made me fall in love. Damn you for that and many more wonderful things. Damn you for making a kiss the most worthless thing in the world to me. And I'm trying hard not to be in love with you. I really am. I don't want to anymore. Despite my bitterness, I want you to be happy. It's not your fault that you can't reciprocate the feelings I have for you. But damn you for ever making me feel this way about you. I can't look at you or even think about you or even look at those stupid pictures from the formal without hating myself. I've never met a girl who made me feel so beautiful and handsome, and I wish so hard that I could say I love you to your face for the things you've made me feel, but I'd feel even stupider. Nothing makes sense to me, D--. The way we danced, so slow and tender, the way our foreheads were pressed together and we stared into each other's eyes. For that moment in my life I thought you felt the same exact way I did. And I was wrong. And I hated myself for believing the things your eyes said to me. You ripped my heart in two. And I can't ever feel these feelings again without ever being afraid of writing a letter like this again. It's so hard. It was so hard for me to let myself feel this way, but you made it so easy when you kissed me. But that kiss meant nothing to you, so it's can't mean anything for me, but it means so much. I don't know how to fix this for myself. It really hurts. But despite all this, I really do want you to be happy. No matter how hard I try to make myself believe I'm not in love with you, there will always be a tiny part of me that still is, and that's the part that always wishes for your happiness. Take good care of yourself.

Goodbye,

K.

Chapter 5 Hello future youIt's strangely reassuring to write to someone I may not even have met yet, or to someone I may already know but have never been close to. I dont know what it was exactly that compelled me to do this, but if you were to carelessly pluck any reason out of the air, I would not deny that that was not related at all to why I'm doing this. Insearching for meaning, I've found that most, if not all, of them would have played a role, no matter how big or small, in triggering this desire, or want.I was seized by the suddenurge to do this, because the words flowed. Because I, once again, have no idea how to deal with the horrible emptiness of solitude and loneliness. And because I saw things todaythat wereprobably a result of my own over assumptions. And unlike others, I do not have thereal liberty of speech or action, and I see noalternative wayof doing this other than this. And rather than continuously weeping with exaggeratedmisery,or tossing and turning in bed just wishing for someone,I write. It's the alcohol with which I drown my sorrows in, the form of escapism that allows me to construct my own fantasy instead of dwelling in those of others. It's the only thing that I know how to do when I cease to have the interest or motivation in anything else.And yes, I did feel jealous today. Maybe it wasn't you, but I still felt that stab of envy.It was so great I never knew I would react that strongly to something so trivial. I don't even know why. I want you to ignore me, be mean, stop being so nice. I'm too easily deceived by such kindness, that even if I do know what it is, I cannot stop myself from walking through its gates.As a side note, I want you to remember that no matter how much I'veangered and irritated you till youfound it inconceivable how we even came to be, and no matter how much I may lament in front of you and show my ungratefulness, I want you to turn to what I have written here and remember what I was like before you. It may not reflect who I am now, for that may be years into the more distant future.But I am sure that as much as time will wield its power of changeover us, some parts of mefrom the pastare still very much in who I am now.The crux of this whole thing, though, is just another pitiful attempt to talk to myself. Or in this case, delude myself into thinking that as long as my imaginary friend here from the future will materialize in time to come, I'm not as alone as I think. Oftentimes it doesn't really work. Looking into the years rolling out in front of me is not as good a comfort as creating a make-believe someone right here, right now. I used to scoff at those with imaginary friends, but now that I'm in that position, I finally understand how and why they even come to be. Still, I can't even count the number of times I've wanted to throw in the towel and say, "You know what? Screw this, I give up." But out of sheer determination to do the unplanned and go against what I should be doing, the opposite prevails.I know this is appearing to be paragraph after paragraph of needless pathetic self pity. Stay with me here, though,because right now, I'm convinced that this letter will never be read by its intended receiver, so I should have all rights to indulge in amild dose of this act that we call complaining. I honestly don't think it's too much fo ask for, and I don't think it would immediately lower my status to one of an ingrate. How hard can it be, really? I have thought this over many times, and up till now, I still don't see its impossibility. But take off my rose-coloured glasses for a momentand the picture shifts dramatically.I have a little idea of what brought me to this conclusion that I arrived at a few hours ago. I looked at my history. Not very long, yes, but noticeably displaying an obvious pattern, one that I cannot ignore. The traits of which you should possess, those of which are the most basic and fundamentalof all traits, were never once present. Then I mirrored in on my own self, and at long last, the penny dropped. Throughout all these years I have kept up the hope and search, all in vain, that you might be somewhere around. But now, I see more of a need to start accepting that you do not exist. Although everyone else speaks otherwise, it's so easy for them to speak when they can effortlessly weave into the multitudinous folds of society. I don't, and I don't think I would be able to lie to myself for the rest of my life either.So, if you're still reading this right now, and if I happen to be beside you, please give me a hug no matter how much of a pain I've been. I think my future self deserves it. If not for the fact that I've waited a long long time for you, then for my belief that every human deserves to be given his or her own fair share of affection. And thank you, thank you so much, just for being you.Nothing here was feigned, everything was an outpouring of a random day's experiences and thoughts. But till the day this is actually read by you, I'll listen to a song, I'll listen to many songs, and I'll begin the tough slippery journey of trying to forget these traces of myself which have been more burdensome than enjoyable to hold close to my heart.Chapter 6i.

When I think of you, I think of the word love and how that in itself can mean 5 billion different things. I think of smeared black eyes with multi-colored centers and brown cores. When I think of you, I remember tearful nights and years of happiness, all wrapped up in one package. Laughter wasnt a thing of the past but neither were tears.

I remember waking up on summer mornings before the sun had risen. You had already awoken. I remember times of friendship and times of unrequited love. I remember when I loved and when I lost, all in the same day and when the first words you told me on the last night were: It can never be.

I loved and I lost. I broke, shattered and picked myself back up together again.

But of all the people who have broken me, you are the first I would ever forgive.

ii.

And as the months passed by I grew weak and vulnerable, searching for anyone to love and to be loved by. I knew youd never love me the way I loved you so I numbed myself from feeling anything and instead allowed myself to believe in the lies others told me. I set myself up for the inevitable, putting myself in the ultimate danger and in the end, I broke again.

When I thought of him, I thought of pain and tears. I thought of danger and risk. I thought of late nights, struggling to keep myself alive, but never did I feel the warmth and safety with him that I felt with you.

In my hopes of being healed, I allowed myself to be broken by him.

iii.

I lived my life in turmoil, distracting myself at any possible moment. I didnt know that it wasnt love. I didnt realize that these were only ways to forget about you. I had forgotten what it was I really felt for you, but beneath everything it had never left me.

In my struggles to regain my strength and live again, to forget about him I reached for another and I struggled to find any chance I could to grasp onto him, but once more, it was only you I wanted. Besides, him and I, we knew we could never be. So I let go of him and I tried to move on. But in the end, it cost me a friendship.

My heart was broken, but it wasnt broken by him.

iv.

"P.S. I never finished this"

Chapter 7

Ive spent my life molding words in every shape I could ever wish for, welding them together and mixing them into the perfect combination of illusion and reality. But in this moment, they fail me. I cannot find the right combination. I cannot see things the way I once did.

And you of all people should know this isnt easy for me. That this is the most difficult thing Ive ever been through in my life. I thought I had found the key that would fit in the door but with each passing moment, I realize, I was wrong.

Words fail me. Ideas delude me. Im caught between the borders of reality and dreamland, hanging somewhere in-between this galaxy and the next. Because the magic is gone. The beauty has disappeared. The clay is diminished to nothing, decayed back into the earth, becoming part of what it belongs to.

But with as little as I have, I can at least attempt.

Because I loved you like I have never loved anybody. Because I would have flown into the sky and beyond this galaxy just to pick out the perfect star for you. Because I wanted to be with no one but you. Because your life always meant more to me than my own.

I remember your beautiful smile and the way your eyes lit up. I remember your laughter, your warm hugs and your low self-esteem. I remember how you always told me you were hideous, when I thought you were the most beautiful person in the world. I remember trying to save you, never giving up even when I knew I probably couldnt. I remember those nights when we just talked to each other for hours. And I remember when the last word you said to me was no.

You were the most beautiful and wonderful person I have ever known. You are the only one I have ever felt this way for and you are the one and only person I could see myself with for the rest of my life. I never wanted to hurt you. Because of that, I realize Ive let go of the most amazing thing that has ever walked into my life. But I do not regret it.

And when I see the two of you together, trust me when I say that I want to cry, even though I am smiling on the outside. And when I see you smile at each other, I want to take you away from one another. Trust me when I say I am giving my blessings, even as my insides are tearing apart and my heart is burning to ashes. Believe me when I tell you that it was all a lie when I said I was getting over you.

Because I never got over you. I have been in love with you for over half a year and while I have tried to distract myself with others, I cant. And I am fighting with myself not to cry over you. I know I need to let go but I cant. I cant let go because I thought we could be. Because I could see myself marrying you. Because Ive known you for so long. Because I was hurt and because I was mislead. Because I love you. Because I cant stop loving you.

And I realize this isnt eloquent. I realize this isnt poetic or well-written. It wasnt supposed to be. Because this is a letter to you and because I want you to know the truth.

I have spent all this time, trying to make things easier for you. Because I dont want you to feel guilty. Because I dont want you to know that I am still in love with you. Because I love you too much to let you feel that way. Id rather see myself be miserable than you.

But I am falling. And Im not sure that I can keep myself lying for too much longer.

Because Im still in love with you and because every time I hear you talk about each other, all I want to do is cry, even as Im smiling and telling you how happy I am for you.

I love you.

Chapter 8

Dear D,

I didnt think it was possible. I didnt think I could ever love anyone again the same way I loved her. And maybe I dont. But maybe thats a good thing. Because I was perhaps a bit too obsessive and perhaps a bit too compulsive about this love thing with L.

When I first saw you, I thought you were a cool guy. But I was still going after my ex. And he was an ass. And then I was going after this guy, RJ. But he didnt even notice me. I thought we went on a date, but it turned out that he ignored me the entire time. He probably didnt feel the same way. I havent heard from him in a long time.

You were smart and intellectual. You were a smooth talker. You played guitar and had a beautiful albeit beautiful in an average way voice. You understood politics. You had a balance of heart and mind. You weaved logic and metaphor together like they were two lovers long lost, now reunited. You had short curly hair. You were cute and you had a beard. You told me stories about your family and your band, said that you would be the revival of classic rock, well, we you would add, and I would laugh. I felt like we could understand each other. I felt like you were somebody I could know in a way I had never known anybody else, even the girl I once thought I was going to marry.

We started talking. You came over to my apartment. We watched Religulous. We talked religion and war, philosophy and the afterlife, politics and history and our own personal lives. The feelings grew. You asked me if I wanted to go out on a date. I said yes. You shouldnt have asked me that. Im like a time bomb, not safe to play with if you dont understand which wires to cut. But I said yes anyway, because I figured I wanted to know you just as much as you wanted to know me, and what could it hurt? This wasnt going anywhere, right? I wasnt looking for anything, right?

But it did turn into something. I asked you if you wanted to be my boyfriend. I shouldnt have done that. I should have known that soon, once the labels had been administered, I would feel uncomfortable. I should have known that the mere act of being in a relationship would feel like being in a cage, no matter who it was with. I should have known that I couldnt handle the commitment; that I was going to hurt you in the end, that it would have been safer if we both just went our separate ways.

But I didnt realize how fragile I could be. I didnt realize that I was so much more comfortable on my own than with others. I didnt understand how much I liked my solitude until I lost most of it. I didnt know that I probably only wanted to get married and have kids because social conventions insisted that I did. I thought I knew myself, D. But I didnt. And Im not sure I do now.

That phone conversation with you, the one that lasted less than a minute, it freaks me out. I expected a discussion, not compliance. I expected that we would work things out, work things through; that I could address my concerns and have you tell me how you felt. But you just said ok, then we hung up, now I have no idea how you feel or where we stand.

Maybe Im overthinking it.

But when I said I love you, I meant it. Theres things about you I dont like, and they do make a difference to me, but it doesnt change the fact that I love you. When we got off the phone, I cried for an hour. Then I went to get Chinese food. Then I slept for 14 hours and when I woke up, I didnt want to do anything.

Id ask for you to forget me, but I know Im never going to send this letter. And I know that we will rest in limbo for quite some time, never knowing who we are or where we are or what we are. Ill probably call you months from now and ask So what is this thing? What do you want? Because I finally know what I want.

And inevitably, Ill tell you that Im just too young to be doing this. Ill tell you that I want to live for myself, that I cant handle being in a relationship, that Im more comfortable alone. Ill tell you that I want to see the world and do things and to never have to worry about anything else but my pets and myself. Or at least, some abbreviated version of that. And just to make it less bitter, Ill tell you the truth, that I still love you, but I need to live for me.

And Im not sure youll ever understand.

Love,

K

Chapter 9

Dear L,

I had this dream with you in it, a long time ago. We were in the shower, crying together, completely naked. And I was kissing you, and looking at you, and you looked back at me with eyes that could say nothing but take the pain away and I smiled gingerly and then I kissed you on the lips but we didnt say anything to each other.

It was dark and it was silent except for rain outside. I lit a candle and then two and then three. I suppose the power was out. You got on the bed, still naked, no towel and I lay next to you and started kissing you and then, we started making love.

I woke up. Ever since then, I have never had such a powerful and beautiful dream involving anyone I loved. The only other dreams I remember are those where I was flying or running from something/someone who was after me.

Sometimes, dreams are better than reality. I look back on our years long friendship and one-sided love and oftentimes wonder if you were sincere when you said you felt the same.

I think the dream is proof that reality would agree with me when I say, I dont think you ever did.

My best regards,

K

Chapter 10

I might not draw so well right now, though drawing B. has proven a useful poetic - concentrating on drawing the lines of his face - so let me try to write out my drawing, almost as a free thought. Thy beautiful face, is where we start. The line where your temple meets your hair - you should play with B's hair. i should? may i? yeah.gently, the edges... golden, curly, squishy, nigh foofy :) - your voice, energy, i'm so sorry.with a real crack; never seen you cry before - i wonder if you felt that you are like your father, at least wondered, saddened and emotional... lips... what can we say of lips? they wanted mine, but not with your heart; i am a shell - a girl-shell, in whom your almost-friend lives. You cannot give what you don't have. You were never in love with me. It's not your fault you couldn't need/adore me like that, no matter how much you tried. No, you're wrong; you can't makeyourself love someone.

cast this journal into the fire; see it burst into flame - so much soul's emotion sieved out of me, condensed, it is a magic powder to burn in a heady, red smoke. I'll sift all the beauty out of you, purge you of that sweet, deep rose glow you so quickly cast off, a change of weather, like casting off a robe - I'll take it from you, steal it away and put it away in poems and pictures and music and dreams, until you have nothing left to give me; you'll romance a diary and I'll float away unscathed, to begin my penance helping men, watching children so silently like the breeze drifting in through an open window, to earn a soul in centuries - no, you'll never see that beautiful robe off you, I will make you a D., feeling nothing for you except in my deep dreams - you'll never have another rose from me, even as you hug me, and ask me how I'm feeling, I'll forget - I'll be insensible. The hug will be tucked away in my dream; you won't have it back. My heart isn't yours, when you're not mine to have. My heart belongs in a dream. If ever you ask it back, I'll hand you a poem, a burned, blackened rose.

Part 2...

Ah, here we go. Now, possibly, an answer, in terms I can understand.

Selfishness or selflessness? Yes, both. Or, it doesn't matter. Anyway, by being intentionally not selfish, I am being selfish. (What?) Here's what I mean. I can sacrifice what I want, as I saw, so that he can have what he wants, because I love him - even pretend to be okay and continue to suffer on the inside. That feelslike selflessness. But actually, it condemns him. To refuse to get over him, to refuse to actually be happy again - not get through my obligations and pretend to be okay, but actually be happy, in the selfish way - that condemns him. It says, I still suffer because of you, no matter how much you were sorry (a long time ago), and no matter how nice you work hard to be to me now.

But oh, how nice to remember, how beautiful and sad to imagine curling up against your chest and breathing softly into your neck in the darkness there, and kiss my own wrist and feel that shudder pass over my scalp and spine and all the hairs on my arms - how beautiful and terrible to sob convulsively because I miss you and want you so - these are selfish things... and I can call them selfless because I still love you and pray for you, give you things and work to maintain a caring friendship, even though I'm suffering... but eventually, eventually, I have to be selfish again, I have to really, truly become happy again, and not for my own sake, but for his - because forgiveness isn't just not being angry anymore or holding a grudge... it's total freedom from guilt in the present and future... and as long as I'm suffering like this, I'm calling him guilty by my own sadness. And maybe he is guilty, for a while, but the offense is pretty much over, and eventually... eventually, if I really love him, I have to forgive him this way. I have to keep some selfishness. I can't pretendto be okay; I have to really, really, truly heal.

Chapter 11

From the moment I saw you walk through that door, I knew that you were going to change my life. I didn't know how, when, or why, I just knew that my life had changed and you would be in my future for quite some time. From the moment I heard your voice, I had butterflies. The deep, silky sensation resonated with me so deeply. Your smile caught my eye in a way that nothing ever had before. It felt as though I was hypnotized and could be around you forever. As long as you were smiling, I lost all power and control. I'd do anything to make you smile. I wanted to be the reason behind it. Your eyes were the clearest blue I've ever seen. I'm not trying to be cheesy, but they reminded me of the beautiful Atlantic Ocean. I'd never seen such a feature on a man before. The way you looked at me made me feel like I'd never be alone again--your gaze so deep and wanting more. When I looked at you, I dove into your soul. I saw who you could be and what you wanted out of life. The only thing you wanted was to make a woman happy and have a family of your own with the woman you love. I knew you were just as romantic as I was, we were just both too shy to show it. I could feel you wanting to make the first move, but were too afraid because we worked together. One day, we were bored at the desks and you started drumming with your pencils. I countered with another beat, started humming and scatting, and we just got lost. Before we knew it, we were entertaining customers with our duet improv music show. You were mesmerized by my voice and finally asked for my number. As we got to know each other, we realized our lives were very similar. I fell in love with the way you played guitar and wrote music. You fell in love with the way I saw life and wanted to help everyone in need. None of us would ever admit it, though. Time went by and I could feel myself falling deeper and deeper. Somewhere between the deep conversations, the silly smiles, the nerdy movies, the music days, overcoming depression, your newfound ambition, our kisses, and your laugh I fell deeply in love. The kind of love that you could write movies about. We always joked that you were the Han to my Lea. I couldn't figure out what you did to me. I just knew that it was something I'd never felt before. If I didn't see you one day, that day was a waste. If we weren't talking on the phone or together, we were texting. Every day, good morning to goodnight. I couldn't imagine ever becoming a stranger to you. Then, all of the sudden, things changed. I opened up about my past and my family and you ran away. You cut me off. You said it was too much for you to handle and just left me. You found other girls along the way and left me broken. I've never let anyone in as much as I have with you. You took my deepest fears and amplified them. I was convinced I lost the love of my life. It crushed me even more because I never thought that you of all people would leave me. I have never cried over a man before, but I fell to the ground and cried for three hours straight that night. I was able to compose myself enough to get by during the days, but every night, for three months, I cried myself to sleep. Just the thought of wanting you there with me. It was too much to bear. I've never been so hurt. Even after all you've put me through, I forgive you. Truth is, if you came running back to me right now, I'd take you. I still want to see you happy. It kills me not knowing how you are. I never told you, but I'm telling you now. I fell in love with you more than I will ever feel. Nothing will ever compare. You gave me the best and worst feelings in my adult life. For that, I thank you. As much as I loved you, you made me see exactly what I deserve. One year later, and I've finally moved on. I realize that you only pushed me to do better things and to turn around and do everything in my power to show you that I am not my family. I lost a bunch of weight, and you gained a bunch. I got a real job, and you lost yours. I may not have found another man to replace you, but you came across another one that you are deeply unhappy with. No one can ever give you would I would have given you. You never gave me the chance. And I'm telling you now, that you'll regret it for the rest of your life. I hear you asking about me. Don't you worry, I'm doing fine without you. I still thank you for the good times we've shared and the lessons I've learned, but we will never love again.

T