Unlocking Braden’s Potential - Zoe Pielzoepiel.com/unlocking-bradens-potential.pdf · Quonset...
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Quonset Point Capital L.P. Unlocking Braden’s Potential October 10, 2017 © Zoe Piel 2017
Transcript of Unlocking Braden’s Potential - Zoe Pielzoepiel.com/unlocking-bradens-potential.pdf · Quonset...
Quonset Point Capital L.P.
Unlocking Braden’s Potential
October 10, 2017
© Zoe Piel 2017
Quonset Point Capital 2© Zoe Piel 2017
• Quonset Point Capital L.P. (“QPC”) specializes in improving underperforming children
• QPC has over $2.5 billion in AUM• QPC seeks to maximize shareholder value
through strategic engagement with parents• QPC is sympathetic to parents, but prepared to
nominate replacements when necessary
Who We Are
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• 3 years old• Loves trucks• Favorite color: Red
Braden R.
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Disappointing linear growth trend
Braden’s underwhelming performance
*projected
0
1
2
3
4
5
2014 2015 2016 2017 2018 2019
Braden's Age
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Perceives Mom & Dad as taller than house
Braden’s underwhelming performance
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Won’tfinishhiscorn
Braden’s underwhelming performance
64% left on plate
23% fell on floor
13% eaten
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• Both incumbent• Not maximizing Braden’s potential• Parentaldeficienciesresultingin
destruction of of shareholder value
Parents are entrenched
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• “Here comes the airplane”• But in fact, no airplane• Spoon• Braden and shareholders
deserve candor
A history of managerial lapses
???
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• Dog-Dog went in the laundry• Dog-Dog went in the dryer• No risk assessment was
undertaken• Dog-Dog’seyecameoff• Braden was extremely distressed• Eye was reattached, but the crisis
was handled poorly
A history of managerial lapses
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• GrandmaconfirmsthatBraden’smomisn’t listening to parenting advice
• She could just take some constructive criticism from her own mother who carried her and raised her without asking anything in return
• For 18 years
QPC consulted experts in the market sector
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• QPC waged a successful proxyfightforcontrolofOliver G.
• At that time, Oliver was receiving frowny-face stickers on Pre-K classroom chart
QPC’s history of success
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• Oliver is building extensive Lego fortresses• 1st grade chart stickers are fruit-themed, optimistic
QPC’s history of successAfter 18 months
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QPC’s plan for Braden
• We believe that with the right leadership, Braden could make huge strides
• QPC’s plan will unlock shareholder value• Your vote is critical
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Ourqualifiednominees
Keith Webster, Jr. Brenda Beppo Leonard Zavitz Mark W. DealyHarvard JD/MBA, grandfather of 16 beautiful (and profitable) children
Not mad, just disappointedSuccessfully averted major tantrums in multiple ShopRites
Spearheded sharp reduction of daughter’s Breyer horse collection
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Consolidate birthday party expenses
QPC’s plan for Braden
cake and ice cream ice cream cake
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Improvebedtimeefficiency• Showers instead of baths• Reduce stories from 4 to 2• LED night light
QPC’s plan for Braden
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Expand carefully into new markets:
QPC’s plan for Braden
• Trip to petting zoo• Visit Aunt Meg in New Jersey• Gradually increase vegetables
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• Vote for change• Vote the GOLD proxy card• A better direction for Braden• A better return for shareholders
Conclusion
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This is satire.Forward all complaints to Zoe Piel.
@zoepiel www.zoepiel.com
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