TX Citizen 8.13.15

VOLUME FOURI S S U E 3 308 .13 .15

The Shermanator's Proposed County Budget | Pro Wrestling at Watering Hole

P LUS : 7 DAY NEW BRAUNFELS L IVE MUS IC GU IDEP LUS : 7 DAY NEW BRAUNFELS L IVE MUS IC GU IDE

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table of contents

11

8CitizenSoundcheckThe ONLY guide of i ts kindfor the NB/SM Metroplex!

12

31st WordThe announcement

you've been craving.

6Around & AboutBlock Buster Wrestling takes

over the Watering Hole!

4 County BeatJudge Krause throws downhis budget plan.

Ask a MexicanGustavo of fends intwo languages.

15Last WordColby on the thril ls of

South Dakota.

The County ’sMost Wanted

Look Mommy!Daddy’s in the paper!

Freemanon Sports

Local football preview!

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News. Meh.As of November 1, if New Braunfels Police catch you handling your cell phone while driving, you’ll be ticketed. Yeah, we could break down the details of this new, just-for-the-heck-of-it exercise in government overreach, but hey, it doesn’t go into effect for two-and-a-half months, and I’ve got something way more interesting to lay on you. Way more.

Information of Actual ImportAs most of you know, I come from radio, first out of SoCal and later, right here at KGNB/KNBT. I kind of fell into this print thing by accident. Prior to taking on this column, print always seemed mundane to me, because traditional, daily newspapers are written for the frail and infirm. Microphones, however, are consistently inviting, because unlike print, nobody can stop you from saying something until it’s way too late. And because the sound of my own voice is my fifth favorite thing.

Anyway, back in the Pospisil Era (2012-13), I used to satisfy my radio jones with a daily podcast called Citizen Radio, which worked as a companion product to the print edition of the TX Citizen. I eventually shut that project down because those few minutes of audio gold took two to three hours a day to properly research, write and produce, and running this here newspaper doesn’t allow for that kind of luxury when it comes to time. It was cutting into my yoga, and I was lucky if I could carve out maybe even 90 minutes for lunch.

Well, guess what? Daddy’s going back into the podcast business. Oh yeah. And it’s going to be sweet. Say “Hello” to the Texas News Grinder with Mike Reynolds. Tasty.

This new show will run once a week, and be available on demand, right there on your smart phone and your iTunes and whatnot.

And we’re going to bundle it with the digital edition of the TX Citizen. You can avail yourself of it free, or you can pay for it. If you want to get it free for

the first year, send us an email at [email protected] and

we’ll put you on the guest list. You can even leave the subject line blank, we don’t care. If you insist on paying for the News Grinder (and TXC online), you can wait until launch, at which time it’ll cost you about 50 bucks per six months.

We’d rather you sign up now for free, not because we don’t love your money, but because all those pre-launch subscriptions will allow us to shake down a sponsor. Heh. #capitalism

What’s that? Well, yes, as a matter of fact we do have a Kickstarter campaign started to help offset the costs of the project, which include:

Server SpaceUp to Date SoftwareWire Service RightsLunchMusic LicensingYou know, all the usual stuff. We’re

looking at a total of $3,317 and change to crank this up, and here’s how we’ll make it worth your while:

Contribute at least $25 and get a highly coveted TX Citizen bumper sticker. You don’t see them around much because only the TXC’s inner-circle can get their hands on them.

Throw down at least $100 and get the highly coveted TX Citizen bumper sticker, and you or your business will be included in the NPR-style “Made Possible By” mention at the end of each show for a full month, which will make you look like the serious benefactor that you are.

Continued on page 5.

WORD1STMIKE

REYNOLDSWITH

I want to talk about co�unity service. I fl like it's time I step up and do my part. It's with that idea of co�unity service in mind that I present to the people exactly what they nd: one

g�d reason to drink more wine. Longshot is sponsoring a casino night event this Saturday

night, August 15th. A procds benefit the Children Advocacy's Center of New Braunfels. This is what I'm talking about. Come drink wine with us, and fl fr to get a the event details as we as your tickets at the wine bar. Therefore, you drinking wine leads directly to you fling g�d about yourself for doing some actual g�d for the co�unity. You're welcome, New Braunfels. - Josh McFarling

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COUNTY BEATCOUNTY BEATWITH NICK ROGERSWITH NICK ROGERS

County Budget BreakdownComal County’s recommended budget for 2016 relies on almost $79 million in total revenues, which include the general fund and reserves, with expected expenditures planned at more than $77 million.

County Judge Sherman Krause’s recommended budget expects funds of $78,683,821, most of which comes from more than $51 million out of the general fund.

The budget proposal defines general funds as monies “used to account for all revenue and expenditures necessary for the general operation of the county except those required to be accounted for in another fund.” The fund is made up of taxes, licenses and fees, federal funds and other receipts.

Those exceptions are special revenue funds, explained as “funds which are restricted as to use by Federal or State governments and to account for the proceeds of specific revenue sources that are restricted by county ordinance to expenditures for specified purposes.” Examples of special revenue funds include administrative and maintenance costs of roads and bridges.

About $27 million, more than half of the $51,460,682 projected for the general fund, will go to wages for county employees, not including allowance funds such as vehicles, uniforms and cell phones. Another $10.5 million will go to employee benefits.

The largest recipient of funds is the Sheriff’s Department, with total projected expenditures of almost $16 million. Most of that amount goes to wages ($8.5 million, including $206,000 for overtime) and benefits ($3 million).

Operational costs for the department are slated at almost $2 million. By far, the largest chunk of operational costs for the Sheriff’s Department is $525,000 for oil and gas. Ammunition and range equipment is expected to run more than $350,000.

Of the department’s approximately $2.26 million laundry list of necessary equipment, the largest expenditure will be $1.65 million for 30 “police-related vehicles.” As well, the budget includes $102,000 for three SUVs.

Some of the other equipment planned for members of the department will be 26 mobile data computer systems ($93,600), 17 pieces of SWAT tactical body armor ($51,000), 26 radar units ($70,200) and 67 bullet-resistant vests ($63,300).

The County Jail is the second largest expense to Comal, which plans to run on a budget of more than $9.75 million. Wages to correctional officers will cost approximately $5.5 million (including $140,000 in overtime pay) and $235,725 in benefits.

Operational costs for the Jail are recommended at almost $1.75 million. These costs include medical services ($350,000), feeding the prisoners ($350,000), utilities ($240,000), building and equipment maintenance ($220,000), and inmate housing ($100,000). Improvements to the jail are expected to run $160,000. Commissioners are currently considering building a new County Jail in the future.

With a budget of more than $3 million, the District Attorney’s Office is third highest on the list of general revenue expenses. More than $2 million of the office’s costs is planned for salaries, with $765,857 for benefits. The budget also plans for 39 new computers for the DA’s Office, at a cost of $46,800.

From the special revenue funds, the bulk will go to roads and bridges, with $1,328,915 planned for administrative costs, and more than $8 million for construction and maintenance. Operations are expected to cost more than $4 million, more than half of which will go to constructing and maintaining County roads and bridges.

New equipment planned for the working on roads and bridges include a striping truck ($275,000), two dump trucks ($150,000), two tree handlers ($170,000), a backhoe loader ($120,000) and a new water truck ($72,000).

The County is expected to pay out $11,425,729 in debt expenditures, which will include payments on the interest and principal on general obligation bonds.

County Commissioners are expected to formally adopt the 2016 budget on Thursday, August 20.

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Continued from page 3. Go in for $500 or more and get TWO

stickers, the “Made Possible By” mention for THREE months, “Presented By” credit at the top of the show for THREE MONTHS, and SIX months of promo on the Texas News Grinder’s weekly full page ad in the TX Citizen. Whoa.

And if you’re serious about riding on our coattails, throw down $1000 or more and get THREE stickers, the “Presented/Made Possible By” mentions AND promo on the weekly full page ad in the TX Citizen for a FULL FLIPPIN’ YEAR. Yeah, that’s right. A whole year. Whoa dang. I’m bleeding out of my eyes and wherever.

Rest assured, those numbers aren’t even close to what we’ll be charging after we go live. Oh, goodness no. No, no. Latecomers to this party are going to pay dearly for a place on that bandwagon. Search for “Texas News Grinder” at kickstarter.com to get a piece of this action.

BONUS: Every time we do one of these cash drives, for Open Records Requests to berate City Hall or some such thing, a certain number of people come forth and say “Hey, I really love what you do. Take this pile of money, but leave my name out of it.” These are usually members of the Chamber of Commerce, or elected officials, or local government employees, or people that live near the Forbidden Island of Booneville Avenue. I want those folks to know that, yes, we will take your money, and yes, we will keep our stupid moufs shut about where it came from. We won’t turn you in to Michael Meek or the scary Island lady with the 80s-era video camera.

One Last ThingThis is something that’s been wearing on us for a good long while. If you are one of the many, many people that own businesses in this town that constantly thank us for going after the big guns (and paying the price for it), tell us with what contempt you hold the Houston-owned Herald-Zeitung’s complicity with City Hall, bemoan the Chamber of Commerce/4-B grip on the local treasury,

tell us how much better off this city would be had we been around 15 years ago, and ask us to look into particular matters for you, then not spend a penny on advertising with us while spending plenty on the Houston-owned Herald-Zeitung’s family of products, this is your chance to put your money where your mouth is. You know who you are. We shake our heads after every conversation we have with you.

We wish you’d stop asking us for favors and telling us how important we are to you and the community at large, and write a check instead. A couple dozen smart business owners are taking up your slack, freeloaders. Get in on this podcast thing and hold your head high. Like I said, we’ll keep it quiet if you’re afraid of your neighbors.

\m/

Mike ReynoldsPublisher/Editor-in-Chief

Postscript: We’ve molly-coddled our fair city for three-and-a-half years now, and it’s time for an upgrade. As such, our rates will increase 40 to 70 percent starting September 1, with current advertisers grandfathered in at the present price points. If you’re a business owner that likes money as much as we do, it would be a great idea to contact us at [email protected] right now. Lock us in at the current give-away rates and walk away feeling like you beat the system.

Chase Cochran contributed to this column, and should be named as a co-defendant in any litigation filed as a result of its publication.

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Last Sunday night, the TX Citizen brazenly presented Block Buster Wrestling's "Night of Hardcore" at the Watering Hole Saloon as a bene�t for the NB Wurst Girls roller derby team! The grapplers blew the roof off the place with match after match featuring hardcore stipulations and an "abbreviated" rule book. There were thumbtacks, chair shots, a cheese grater, a staple gun, old-school �re throwing and a couple guys wearing the "Crimson Mask" by the end of the night. BBW has put on some great shows in the past, but this one goes down as one of their best. Big thanks to Holly and everyone at the Watering Hole for hosting this "unsane" event, and J-Rock and all the guys at BBW for throwing down, hardcore style!

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Thu 8.13

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Jam Night

6pm

Jeffrey Ryan Vaughn

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Beth Lee & the Breakups

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Billy’s Ice HouseMark Monaco

8pm

Concerts in the ParkJ Abram Band

7:30pm

Gruene HallTroy Cartwright

7pm

On the RocksPaul Eldridge

8pm

The Pour HausCody Coggins

8:30pm

Fri 8.14

Kenndrid Spirits

6:30pm

TBA

8pm

The Lesti Huff Band

6pm

Junior Nash

5pm

Dale Watson

9pm

Gary P Nunn

9pm, $15

Barefax

8pm

Alpine Haus RestaurantOff the Grid Polka Band

6pm

Billy’s Ice HouseZach Coffey

8pm

Gruene HallJonathan Tyler

w/ Folk Family Revival

7pm, $12

On the RocksTyler Rogers Band

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The Pour HausNate Rodriguez Band

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River Road Ice HouseAdam Hood

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Vineyard at GrueneTBA

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Sat 8.15

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TBA

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The String Slingers

1pm

Kim & Her Bad Habits

6pm

Jeremy Steding & the Rebellion

9pm

John Evans

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Billy’s Ice HouseThe Damn Torpedoes

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Gruene HallTom Gillam

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NB Farm to MarketFallon Franklin

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On the RocksRuben V

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The Pour HausJoshua Taylor

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Vineyard at GrueneTBA

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Vino en VerdeLeAnn & Jason

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Sun 8.16

JJ Garrett Band

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The Catherine Denise Band

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Billy’s Ice HouseFM 1863

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The Pour HausFools of the Trade

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Gruene HallGrouchy Like Riley

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Billy’s Ice HouseAaron Stephens

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Gruene HallTBA

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The Pour HausZach Nytomt

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Vineyard at GrueneZack Walther

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Freemanon SportsFreemanon Sports WITH BRANT FREEMANWITH BRANT FREEMAN

It’s Almost TimeI guess I should start this week’s column apologizing to Texans fans for jinxing their team. If you missed it, I confessed my man-crush on JJ Watt and deemed the Texans as a possible playoff contender IF they got even half-decent play from (insert quarterback here) and stayed healthy. And then star running back Arian Foster suffered a groin injury that will put him on the shelf for at least half of the season if not more. Yikes. Maybe Watt could run the ball too? IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES.

Jinxing powers aside, I’d still like to write about football. We’re just two weeks away from the start of the high school football season with New Braunfels opening at home against Alamo Heights, and Comal ISD programs Canyon, Smithson Valley and Canyon Lake each playing their openers on August 28 as well, against Round Rock Cedar Ridge, Midland Lee and Blanco respectively.

There’s something different about high school football when compared to college or the pros. There are no fantasy leagues, no HBO documentaries, no 24-hour TV channel dedicated to the sport or committees deciding which teams should make the playoffs. No, the high school football post-season formula is much simpler. Finish in the top four of your respective district and you get to join 63 other teams in a bracket with a common goal: the state title. But that first part, finishing in the top four in district, is easier said than done for the teams in 25-6A.

New Braunfels, Canyon and Smithson Valley each reside in that district along with Steele, Judson, Clemens and Wagner. Steele is five seasons removed from a state championship, came within a play of making the State Finals for the third time in five years last year, and in just nine seasons of fielding a varsity football team, the Knights are 102-21 (that includes a 4-6 record in their inaugural season in 2006). Judson (six state titles) needs little introduction. The Rockets boast a (still active) streak of 38 straight winning seasons, a Texas high school football record. Last season, Judson rebounded from 1-3 start, winning 10 games and, like

Steele, reached the State Semifinals behind freshman quarterback Julon Williams.

Assuming those two are post-season locks this year that leaves just two available playoff spots for the district’s other five teams. But the area programs aren’t without their tradition either. The coming season will be the second for Jim Streety as NBISD Athletic Director and his hand-picked coach Glenn Mangold. In 40 years of coaching (NBHS: 1974-1991), Streety has won nearly 500 games (149 with New Braunfels), guiding his programs to seven state semifinal appearances (four with the Unicorns). Mangold was with Streety during his final six years at Madison as the Mavericks became perennial contenders. A two-win campaign in year one may have been tough, but growing pains were to be expected. If you ask Unicorn fans, at least they won the right two games (Seguin and Canyon).

Speaking of the Cougars, they too had a first-year head coach last season: Joe Moczygemba. A longtime assistant at Smithson Valley, Moczygemba was hired as Cougars Head Coach on July 31st of last year, less than a month from Canyon’s season opener. The transition from the previous regime’s Power-I running game to something a bit more traditional in such a short amount of time proved difficult as Canyon finished 3-7. But if anyone knows something about turning a program around, it’s Coach “Mooch” who served as an assistant for Larry Hill at Smithson Valley for over 20 years. Coach Hill went 1-9 in his first season at SVHS back in 1993 and the Rangers haven’t had a losing season since, instead winning 88 percent of its games over the last 18 seasons.

The district battles are still a ways away, but once the lights turn on in two weeks, we’ll get our first glimpse of what the area has to offer on the field (and in Canyon’s case, a red one). Here’s to Friday’s in the fall.

Brant Freeman is a seasoned local sportscaster, serving as the radio voice of Texas State University, hosting television coverage of Texas State Athletics and delivering the goods as a reporter for major pro and collegiate sporting events in the greater San Antonio area for over a decade.

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$300REWARD

COMAL COUNTY ’S

MEDELLIN, JESSE RODRIGUEZMale • 5’07” • 200 lbsDOB: 01/01/1976CHARGE: Possession of a controlled substance pg 1 under 1 gram and theft of property under $1500 with 2 or more previous convictions

BLAKE,CHRISTOPHER JMale • 5’11” • 210 lbsDOB: 09/11/1987CHARGE: CT I motion to revoke probation for possession of controlled substance pg1 over 1g under 4g CT II Motion to revoke probation for tampering with physical evidence

BRIGGS,DANNY MAC IIIMale • 6’03” • 170 lbsDOB: 08/12/1987CHARGE: Motion to revoke probation for possession controlled substance pg1 under 1g

DELACRUZ,ADAMMale • 6’01” • 160 lbsDOB: 11/04/1974CHARGE: Motion to revoke probation for possession controlled substance pg1 under 1g

ALZURAIR,ABDULAZIZ NMale • 6’00” • 140 lbsDOB: 11/08/1985CHARGE: CT I Possession controlled substance pg1 under 1g CT II Possession controlled substance pg 2 over 1g under 1g

GARCIA,ALACELI M

Female • 5’05” • 285 lbs

DOB: 12/07/1970

CHARGE: Driving while intoxicated

w/child under 15 yoa

GONZALEZ-MATA,SERGIO

Male • 5’08” • 160 lbs

DOB: 07/30/1983

CHARGE: CT II

Tampering/ Fabricate

physical evidence

JONES,WILLIAM LEE

Male • 5’08” • 190 lbsDOB: 08/23/1960

CHARGE: Motion to proceed with

adjudication for possession controlled

substance pg1 under 1g

VALDEZ,VERONICA

Female • 5’04” • 200 lbsDOB: 08/31/1974

CHARGE: Theft property over 1500

2/more previous convictions

HAMMOCK,JAMIE SUNSHINEFemale • 5’03” • 120 lbs

DOB: 07/02/1971CHARGE: Motion to revoke probation for

possession controlled substance pg1 over 1g

under 4g

The names listed have been released in accordance with the Texas Public Information Act. This is a true and accurate account as of Monday, August 10, 2015 at 10:03 a.m. and may not be current by the time it is read. Do not try to apprehend anyone. These are listings of criminal warrants with the Comal County Sheriff ’s Office and are not indicative of guilt or innocence. Officers are to verify the status of each warrant prior to making an arrest. Any person is innocent of wrongdoing unless proven guilty in a court of law.

FOR INFORMATION LEADING TO THE ARREST OF COMAL COUNTY’S MOST WANTED. Callers will remain anonymous. 830.620.3400 - 24-Hour830.620.3411 - Mon-Fri 8am to 5pm

ARREDONDO,JESSE JMale • 5’09” • 285 lbsDOB: 07/21/1978CHARGE: Violation of conditions of bond for possession of controlled substance pg1 under 1g

ARRESTED

ARRESTED


By Gustavo Arellano

Here are a few questions I have for the Mexican:

1. Why are wages so low in Mexico?2. Why is Mexico such a violent

country?3. Why is Mexico so corrupt?4. Why have the drug cartels taken

over large swaths of Mexico?5. Why can’t one drink the water in

most towns in Mexico?6. Why are there so few public

libraries in Mexico?7. Why are Mexicans so fat? Mexico

is listed as the country with the highest rate of obesity on Earth?

8. Why is public education in Mexico so miserable and pathetic? In my many years of working there, I have yet to come across a worker who could multiply, divide, or read a map.

9. Why don’t more Mexicans up here go into physical science and engineering?

10. If you are a Mexican, why are you here? Is it possibly due to 1 through 8 above?

Dickhead in Denver

Dear Gabacho: Answers 1-4 are

easy: United States. Número five is

bullshit—though water quality isn’t pristine

in Mexico, it’s not at California levels of

scarcity yet. And we’d be better if the

U.S. didn’t muck up the water in the Rio

Grande, steal the water from the Colorado

River, and have factories making cheap

products headed to the U.S. that use up

precious water and foul up the rest of the

supply. #6 is a flat-out crock of mierda:

Mexico has roughly 6,000 public libraries,

which averages out to .049 libraries per

1,000 Mexicans—barely below the U.S.’s

.052 per 1,000 Americans. Spare me

7, since the U.S. and Mexico have flip-

flopped for the crown of world’s fattest

nation for over a decade now—and it’s

all the U.S.’s fault. For number 8, United

States, just for the hell of it. I’m not sure

how to answer #9, because the same

could be said of American students—why

else are we importing un chingo of Indians

and Chinese? Finally, Mexicans are here to

make a better life for themselves—thanks to

los Estados Unidos.

I’m writing to ask about an epiphany I had recently about government-sponsored clamors for crackdowns on immigration, especially against members of a certain race/creed/color/ethnic group. It seems to me to be that whenever there is a cacophony of support for deportation and closing our borders coming from the highest offices in the land, there’s also a war going on that’s going rather badly for us. Is this just coincidence, or is there more to it?

A Farewell to GúantanaManzanArms

Dear Pocho: You’re off. World Wars

I and II went splendidly for us, but that

didn’t stop American from demonizing

Germans in the Great War and interning

Japanese-Americans (and more than a

few German- and Italian-Americans) in

the Good War. If anything, it’s when

wars are going bad for us that the

American government makes a push for

Mexicans in the military—look at what’s

happening during this War on Terror, or

during the Vietnam or Korean War. To

paraphrase South Park, call it Operation

Get Behind the Beaners.

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On South DakotaAfter leaving Minnesota, we decided to conclude our trip with a trip to the Black Hills area. That this was all the way across the state was not mentioned to Steve, who was already complaining about gas expenses.

The rest of South Dakota is spectacularly unspectacular. South Dakota is mostly flat and mostly covered with corn. Unlike Minnesota, windmills were not in evidence. There might be any number of reasons for this, but most of them are political. South Dakota is probably as red as Minnesota is blue. I couldn’t say with any certainty whether the lack of windmills represented a lack of interest from Republicans, or a lack of forthcoming funding from Democrats, but South Dakota got the better end of the deal in any case. Fields of corn are more picturesque than fields of corn with colossal windmills on them.

It’s worth noting that South Dakota has perfected the tourist trap (in the good sense, I am not implying price gouging). If you can cross I-90 through South Dakota without feeling compelled to visit Wall Drug, you are a better man than I. We passed, literally, hundreds of billboards for the enigmatic attraction. When you do get there, you find what must be the largest gift shop in America. The town where Wall Drug resides, Wall SD, appears to have mostly given way to this singular aberration of capitalism, the town that was eaten by a drugstore.

Fortunately, I am mostly immune to impulse buying, having retail experience myself. The same cannot be said of Steve or my mother. Had the bags not become too heavy for Steve’s ailing back, he probably wouldn’t have returned to the truck until he had no money left for anything else, like food. And, I watched in horror as my mother spent away any inheritance I might have had on Tchotchkes. I got the free ice water.

It was late afternoon when we got to the campground and set up. The campground was in the Black Hills, just outside of Rapid City, but it might as well have been in the Badlands for all the scenic appeal it had. Most of the campgrounds we had encountered so far were pleasantly and green, and the Black Hills themselves were a bit more green than I expected (it was a rainy year). Even so, this campground was more moonscape than landscape, or “Mars-scape” as the ground had the telltale red tint indicating a good amount of iron oxide in the soil. The campground had all the other amenities and level sites to boot, and it was central to most of the Black Hills attractions, so it wasn’t a total loss even if it was a bit drab.

After a day of rest, we decided to start our adventures. Certainly Mount Rushmore was on our list of things to do, but none of us wanted to start there. We decided that, like Niagara Falls, we would take a guided tour of some of the area including Rushmore. For me, one of the reasons for being in the Black Hills was my interest in geology and rock hounding. Because of this, I suggested one of the several caves in the area, Sitting Bull’s Crystal Caverns.

An important side note here is that sightseeing requires an inordinate amount of walking. It’s not as though I didn’t recognize this when my vacation started. Part of my plan for this trip was to get more exercise and lose a little weight. Now that I’m pushing 50, my weight has started to result in health problems, and my aging body creaks a bit more than it used to. I had heard that walking 10,000 steps per day was a good goal, and by the time we had reached South Dakota, I was reaching that mark more often than not.

(I have maintained my walking at least for the moment – the vacation has been over for a while now. I haven’t lost a lot of weight, only 20 pounds or so since I started, but people remind me that it took nearly fifty years to get beyond the 350 pound mark and that I shouldn’t expect to lose it overnight. I have no doubt that this is true, but it seems unlikely that I will get back to my under 10 pounds birthweight even if I keep this up for 50 years, unless the exercise kills me and decomposition accounts for the weight loss. During the month of July I took 251,074 steps, and according to my handy dandy phone app this is over 100 miles and 9,512 kilocalories – or roughly one lunch at Taco Bell. I do feel better, though, except when I’m actually doing the walking, or when I wake up with an aching back, or when I try to get to sleep and the leg cramps are unbearable. Alright, I don’t feel better, but I’m walking anyway, and I’m not giving up my Cheese Doodles damn you!)

It was because I had been walking, and Steve had too, that I felt confident of my ability to do a cave tour. I did look, and Sitting Bulls Crystal Caverns was by far the shortest of the options. The website said the cave was 150 ft. deep, which seemed reasonable for a cripple and a fat man.

The reality was a bit different. When we got there, the 15-year-old tour girl told us the cave was, in fact 300 ft. deep, and a quick look at the stairs indicated at much of that would be straight down, meaning the trip would be straight up when Steve and I were already tired.

The trip down wasn’t too bad. I lagged behind as best I could. The rails were wet and the steps both wet and narrow. I had visions of slipping and my 360 pound

frame taking out the entire family from Salt

Lake City below me as I careened into the

darkness below. These concerns made it

difficult to concentrate on the actual sights of

the cavern, but they did manage to distract

me from the ache in my calves.

At the bottom of the cave, we had a

moment to rest and look around. I took the

time to apologize to Steve, who grunted

something threatening. My mother, as

usual, was having a great time, completely

unfazed by the athletic rigor of the day.

The trip up and out of the cave was a

nightmare. Each step was a new lesson in

pain. I saw Steve sprint for the top about

halfway up the stairs. He feared that a

muscle cramp would leave him trapped

somewhere on the stairs and hoped to get

to the light before that happened. For me,

the concern that I would not live to see

the top of the stairs. The groaning of my

knees was outshouted by the screaming

in my chest. My heart beat so hard and

fast that I feared it might explode. The tour

girl behind me seemed bored and irritated

with my pace, and I consoled myself that

at least when I had a heart attack and

died my bulk would block her way out of

the cave. I distracted myself with visions of

work crews trying to jury-rig some method

of pulling my body up before finally giving

up and deciding to blow up my carcass

with dynamite like a beached whale.

I did finally escape the cave, finding

Steve crying on a bench at the mouth of the

cave. We took two days to recoup before our

trip to Mount Rushmore.

Next – Mount Rushmore

Last WordWith Kelly Colby

You can read more from Kelly Colby at yourfirstshrug.blogspot.com.

[email protected]@GMAIL.COMCORY GODEL 830.237.3170CORY GODEL 830.237.3170


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TX Citizen 8.13.15

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