Saint Monica Daily PressCover yourself

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 Volume 13 Issue 116

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BY SHY GIRL Daily Press Staff Writer

CITY HALL Yoga mats to aid in relaxation.Free brake pads every three months to makeup for the impacts of congestion. Adult daycare for aging Baby Boomers.

Those are just some of the new commu-

BY LOCO CRAZY SIMPSONDaily Press Staff Writer

SMO All the talk about the airport is nulland void, at least for now.

In a fit of rage, stoked by a rousing letterfrom airport critic Matty Ruben, neighborsof the Santa Monica Airport took action,bulldozing a giant trench through the mid-dle of the tarmac late Monday night.

The trench, about 1,000 feet wide and 20feet deep, cuts the 5,000-foot runway inhalf, rendering it unusable.

Unbiased Airport Commission ChairDaved Gobbarb says that the move wastotally legal.

“I’ve read each agreement between CityHall and the Federal AviationAdministration at least a dozen times andthere’s not a single line in there that saysthat we can’t put a moat smack in the mid-dle of the runway,” he said. “Yes, the FAAdoes require us to continue to operate thespace as an airport, so we will. We now arethe largest community airport catering toamphibious aircraft.”

Neighbors often drone on endlesslyabout the woes of living near the noisy, pol-luted, unsafe airport that they knew existedbefore they bought their land.

Advocates of the airport rebut this argu-ment noting that they are rich pilots and

should be allowed to do whatever theywant.

The activist neighbors had no troublegaining access to the construction equip-ment; city officials deliberated for 15 min-utes before handing over the keys for thecity bulldozer to the angry crowd.

“Our highly competent legal depart-ment devised a long-term plan thatinvolved transferring one piece of the air-port at a time over the next decade whilefighting monumental lawsuits with theFAA,” City Manager Rob Goulb said in arelease. “But then I was like, ‘Nah, f*** it.’”

SEE BENEFITS PAGE 12SEE AIRPORT PAGE 9

Daniel Wise editor@smdp.comMAKING A MAJOR STATEMENT: Bulldozers demolished parts of the runway at Santa Monica Airport Monday rendering the popular landing strip unusable for planes.

Santa Monica Airport getsbulldozed by angry activists

Yoga mats,brake pads, giftcards top list ofcommunitybenefits

What’s Up

WestsideOUT AND ABOUT IN SANTA MONICA

For help submitting an event, contact Daniel Archuleta at310-458-7737 or submit to editor@smdp.com

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Orca rides withAssemblymember Broom

Santa Monica Pier200 Santa Monica Pier, 10:30 a.m.Former Santa Monica Mayor andcurrent State Assemblymember

Ricky Broom (D-Santa Monica) willbe hosting free killer whale rides

just off the pier. His recentlyannounced legislation to end whale

shows in California has not yetpassed and so Bloom will be gettinghis last kicks in by bare-back ridingShamoo along the coastline. Whale

steaks available at La Mare afterthe show.

Mock Landmark Commissionmeeting

Santa Monica High School601 Pico Blvd., 4:30 p.m.

High School students are invited tostep into the exciting world of his-

torical preservation. The MockLandmark Commission will be

tasked with protecting iconic class-rooms from custodial intrusion.

Game Show: Millionaire orhomeless person

Main Library601 Santa Monica Blvd., 6 p.m.This game show — co-hosted by

homeless service providers OOPSand the Committee of Commerce— asks contestants to look at a

wealthy bearded app developer in apair of thousand-dollar ripped jeansand a kempt, tanned homeless man

then try to determine which onelives in a mansion and which onelives in Reed Park. Winners get acomplimentary meal at Rose Cafeand free use of whatever servicethat the Committee of Commerce

provides.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Make that money1450 Ocean

1450 Ocean Ave., 12 p.m.Local developer Marcus Zellatto willshare insights on how to game thesystem and develop land in Santa

Monica. Free trailers to the first 10in attendance.

Looking outOutlook Office

1755 Wilshire Blvd., 2 p.m.Ace report Jasso Ijas will give you

the lowdown on how a proper newsstory is written and then do thecomplete opposite. Ijas is best

known for being a man about townand proud owner of impressive

facial hair — and a cool hat.

Long walk, short pierSanta Monica Pier

200 Ocean Front Walk, 4 p.m.Pier officials dare the public to

endure a one-mile walk down thehalf-mile pier just to see what hap-pens. It is recommended that you

bring a towel and a change ofclothes. Wetsuit optional.

In the chair with BrendonDaily Mirror HDQTRS

3685 Bundy Dr., West L.A., 8 p.m.Watch a live taping of editor

Brendon McGerron as he interviewsnon-noteworthy personalities from

around the community. Bring a map,because you’ll have to leave the

friendly confines of Santa Monica tofind his office. The good news is the

taping lasts just 45 seconds. NoRSVP necessary. Free Vegemite

sandwiches provided.

Bob-o and BonoThird Street Promenade

8 p.m.Supervisor candidate Roberto

Shrivel and his rock star BFF Bonowill perform a selection of jams tohelp bolster Shrivel’s campaign.

Remember to bring your coins, theywill be busking. Free $100 bills to

the first 100 attendees.

Toby Gillias reduxMain Library

601 Santa Monica Blvd., 9 p.m.Another candidate for supervisorwill be in town in support of their

candidacy. Sheela Cool will be revis-ing her character from the classic

“Toby Gillias” TV show. She will beperforming a one-woman show

proving that she too has star power.Bob Denver in person!!! Free

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BY CRAZY LOCO SIMPSONDaily Press Staff Writers

CITY HALL The national trend of Meatless Mondays are nolonger an option in the city by the sea. They’re a rule.

In a 6-to-1 vote, City Council approved an ordinance thatwill ban possession and consumption of meat everyMonday.

“Santa Monica is a progressive place and this is a progres-sive ordinance,” said Councilmember Keven MkCeownbefore the vote. “We’re not saying you have to become a veg-etarian. We’re not saying you have to eat vegan on Mondays.We’re not fascists. All we’re saying is that if you have meat inyour possession when the clock strikes midnight, we willfind it. We will lock you up. We will throw away the key.”

Some councilmembers supported the ordinance claimingthat the killing of animals for food is unjust. Others pointedto the drought and the amount of water required to supportcattle. Then there’s the power needed to refrigerate the beefand the emissions associated with it.

According to a 2006 report by the United Nations Foodand Agriculture Organization (FAO), our diets and, specifi-cally, the meat in them cause more greenhouse gases, carbondioxide (CO2), methane, nitrous oxide, and the like to spewinto the atmosphere than either transportation or industry.

“Yes, this may be unorthodox, but for so many reasons it’s

the responsible decision,” said Councilmember GleemDayviz. “In 10 years, when meat is banned everyday nation-wide, I want people to look at Santa Monica and say ‘Hey,you know what? They were right.’”

The ordinance, which passed in a special session earlyMonday morning, went into effect immediately. The SantaMonica Police Department’s newly formed Meat Squad per-formed random sandwich searches on the Third StreetPromenade.

“We’re checking between the bread for anything suspi-cious: ham, roast beef, salami,” said one Meat Squad officer.“Most people it’s Portobello mushrooms or tofu. These peo-ple eat like rabbits with or without the law. We’ve had a cou-ple individuals who hadn’t heard about the ordinance andwe gave them warnings.”

The warnings consisted of public shamings in Ken GenserSquare consisting of haggis smears to the face and jeers.

When the meat-sniffing dogs, also known as dogs, werebrought in some of the more sinister violations began to sur-face.

“We encountered one individual with a dime bag of pro-sciutto,” the K-9 meat officer said. “Another guy had morethan an ounce of raw sirloin so we got him on intent to bar-becue.”

SEE MEAT PAGE 11

THE ‘NEWS’ ROOMPaper wins press release award

The staff of the Santa Monica Reflector was honoredthis week for doing what they do best: printing pressreleases, verbatim, without reading them.

The Society of Professional Press Release Writershanded out its most prestigious trophy, the “PublishWhatever We Tell You To” award to the Reflector at thesociety’s annual Gala For Hacks.

“Other papers in town are bogged down by old tech-niques,” said the Reflector’s editor, accepting the award.“Readers today aren’t concerned with antique things like‘reporting’ and ‘accuracy.’ They want to read something,anything, right away.”

The esteemed editor, who literally doesn’t own a note-book, shared his wisdom with the crowd.

“As soon as I get a press release, I hit enter,” he said.“I read it for the first time on our website along with ourreaders. I spend countless hours every week spinning incircles in my swivel chair and waiting for e-mails from pub-licists who want to promote some washed-up celebrity.Nothing gets me more excited than immediately publish-ing the made-up statistics from a media relations firm.”

Meanwhile, residents were circulating a petition seek-ing to do something about an issue that the Reflectorcouldn’t begin to explain.

Later this month, the Reflector is expected to releaseits new “Straight2Print” software, which will immediatelypublish any e-mail, cutting out the middleman and allow-ing the editor more time for naps.

— LOCO CRAZY SIMPSONBROADWAY Bikes only

Broadway is now a bikers paradise. Giving in to the two-wheel lobby that has taken City

Hall by the spoke, lead traffic engineer Dan Morrissey, no,not the singer, has proposed turning the east-west arteri-al into a bike-only boulevard, blocking all vehicular accessfrom either end of the city, excluding Downtown.

Cyclists have been clamoring for years for a safe,exclusive way to travel across the city where irate driverswill never be an issue.

Along the route will be extensive bike parking, publicshowers, air pumps and misters operational during thesummer months.

It’s a pilot project, so expect it to last for three years. Cross traffic will only be allowed during the times of 7

a.m. to 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. to 8 p.m. to cut down on colli-sions involving drivers and cyclists as bike riders areknown to blow through stop signs and red lights.

“We thought that the liability costs to the city and thenumber of deaths could be greatly reduced if we madeBroadway bike-only,” Morrissey said.

The transformation will begin April 7. — SHY GIRL

COMMUNITY BRIEFS

Kevin Simpson editor@smdp.comBUSTED! The Santa Monica Police Department's newly-formed Meat Squad discover a ham that has recently been rendered illegal.

Meat banned on Mondays

YOUR OPINION MATTERS!

SEND YOUR LETTERS TO

Santa Monica Daily Press• Attn. Editor: • 1640 5th Street,

Suite 218 • Santa Monica, CA 90401

• editor@smdp.com

3TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014Inside Scoop

Opinion Commentary4 TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

OPINIONS EXPRESSED are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect those of the Santa Monica Daily Press staff. Guest editorials from residents are encouraged, as are letters to the editor. Letters will be published on a space-available basis. It is our intention to publish all letters we receive, except those that are libelous or are unsigned. Preference will be given to those that are e-mailed to editor@smdp.com. All letters must include the author’s name and telephone number for purposes of verification. All letters and guest editorials are subject to editing for space and content.

Throwing that stone Editor:

To the people of the city of Saint Monica, I beg of thee to heed my words, for I am the way, the

truth and the life. I have seen much anger in thee of late, neighbor

accosting and sometimes assaulting neighbor, loversturned enemies, all because of disagreements overdevelopment heights and densities. This is not the way.

Thou have heard the law that says, “Love thy neigh-bor” and hate thine enemy. But I say, love thy enemies!Pray for those who persecute thee! In that way, you willbe acting as true children of your Father in heaven. Forhe gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, andhe sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If thoulove only those who love thee, what reward is there?

A new commandment I give to thee, that thou loveone another, just as I have loved thee — even develop-ers. By this all people will know that you are my disci-ples, if you have love for one another.

Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow willbe anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trou-ble. Schemes for structures that scrape the sky will be aconstant. Accept and work daily to be more loving andunderstanding, then come to a mutually beneficial com-promise. There’s no need to be vicious. Do to others what-ever thou would like them to do unto thee. This is theessence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.

In the end, children of God, heights and densities,transportation demand management programs andpublic art, will matter not, for thee will be living withthe Lord in his celestial kingdom, where there are nobuildings over 20 feet or parapets because here thereare only clouds. (Yet, in the realm of external torment,thee will live amongst the wedding cakes and canyonsof poor design.)

Remember to be kind always, particularly when driving. Jesus H. Christ

Heaven

Reason to liveEditor:

I am devastated that this storybook referendum bidhas at last come to a close. Oh, how it filled my dayswith meaning.

I was down and out. My wife had just left me. My kidsnever call. Retirement wasn’t all it was cracked up tobe. Life lacked flavor.

Between you and me, traffic doesn’t bother me; Idon’t have anywhere to drive. But I’m a human and Ineed feelings, feelings of rage.

I’d been reading the acid-filled letters of hate in theDaily Press and I knew something rage-worthy wasgoing on. Perhaps City Hall was introducing cancer tothe water supply.

It wasn’t until I went to my first PlanningCommission meeting last year that I realized it was somuch worse: office buildings — the scourge of the earth.

At last, I had permission to act in ways I hadn’t sinceI was in the first grade.

Surrounded by my fellow curmudgeons, I had thecourage to make up facts and spread rumors. I had areason to wake up in the morning.

My nights were now distracted by grandstandingprotests and rage.

I admit, I often paced my empty million dollar hometalking to myself — pretending that through some sus-pension of council rules I was debating the bumblingdeveloper in front of my cheering peers at City Hall.

Other nights I looked for patterns in the staffreports, certain that they must have left some proof oftheir dastardly intentions.

How quickly time passed, distracted from the realagony of the human condition. How perfectly the ragemasked the sadness underneath.

Sure, once the petitions are counted and officiallycertified there will be celebration but then the partywill end and I will slump home. Alone again.

Developers, I implore you: Don’t give up. I need areason to live.

Glen RibbonsSanta Monica

LETTERS TO THE EDITORSend comments to editor@smdp.com

PUBLISHERRoss Furukawa

ross@smdp.com

EDITOR IN CHIEFKevin Herrera

editor@smdp.com

MANAGING EDITORDaniel Archuleta

daniela@smdp.com

STAFF WRITER

David Mark Simpsondave@smdp.com

CHIEF PHOTOGRAPHERBrandon Wise

brandonw@smdp.com

STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERPaul Alvarez Jr.

editor@smdp.com

Morgan Gensereditor@smdp.com

CONTRIBUTING WRITERSBill Bauer, David Pisarra,

Charles Andrews, Jack Neworth,

Lloyd Garver, Sarah A. Spitz,

Taylor Van Arsdale, Merv Hecht,

Cynthia Citron, Michael Ryan,

JoAnne Barge, Hank Koning, John Zinner,

Linda Jassim, Gwynne Pugh,

Michael W. Folonis, Lori Salerno,

Simone Gordon, Limor Gottlieb,

Bennet Kelly

VICE PRESIDENT–

BUSINESS OPERATIONSRob Schwenker

schwenker@smdp.com

JUNIOR ACCOUNT EXECUTIVERose Mann

rose@smdp.com

OPERATIONS MANAGERJenny Medina

jenny@smdp.com

PRODUCTION MANAGERDarren Ouellette

production@smdp.com

ASSISTANT GRAPHIC DESIGNERCocoa Dixon

CIRCULATIONKeith Wyatt

Osvaldo Paganini

ross@smdp.com

1640 5th Street, Suite 218

Santa Monica, CA 90401OFFICE (310) 458-PRESS (7737)FAX (310) 576-9913

The Santa Monica Daily Pressis published six days a week,Monday through Saturday.

19,000 daily circulation, 46,450daily readership. Circulation is auditedand verified by Circulation Verification

Council, 2013. Serving the City of Santa Monica, and the communities of

Venice Beach, Brentwood, West LA.Members of CNPA, AFCP, CVC,

Associated Press, IFPA, Santa MonicaChamber of Commerce.

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Lloyd Garver Send comments to editor@smdp.com

Modern Times

BY A FOUR-TO-THREE MARGIN, THECity Council voted to make all Santa Monicabeaches “nude beaches” as of July 4, 2014.This was motivated by the powerful anti-smoking lobby in the city. The reasoning wasthat if people were naked, they wouldn’t beable to sneak packages of cigarettes onto thebeaches.

Mayor Spam O’Connor, one of the dis-senters, said that nude beaches would bring“the wrong element” to Santa Monica. KebWinter shouted him down, saying that, inhis opinion, “the wrong element” consists ofpeople who smoke.

O’Connor said that people who are des-perate to smoke might still sneak cigarettesonto our beaches by hiding them “on or intheir bodies in places I don’t even want tothink about.” Tony Vequeze got up andimmediately responded tit for tat. He said,“There are no body parts that we should beashamed of thinking about.”

Still, O’Connor proposed a measurewhich would make sure that beachgoerswere subjected to a “full cavity search” uponarrival at the beach. Needless to say, thismeasure was seen as a huge invasion of pri-vacy, and was defeated 3 to 2, while MayorPro Tem Teri O’Say and Devin McKunnewere in the hallway, giggling.

This is how the Mandatory Nude BeachRule will work:

1. Beachgoers must arrive at the beachcompletely naked. They have the option ofundressing in their cars, and leaving theirclothes there, driving to the beach naked, orarriving at the beach on foot, unclothed.

(Robert Holbrooks pointed out thatthose who drive to the beach and haveleather upholstery might think twice aboutdriving there in the nude).

2. Beachgoers may carry wallets and purs-es, which will be inspected upon arrival.

3. No cameras or cell phones will beallowed.

4. No gawking or staring will be permit-ted.

5. Beach police, vendors, and otheremployees will wear their traditional clothes.

6. Sunscreen with an SPF of 30 will begiven free of charge to beachgoers uponarrival. A member of the Santa Monica FireDepartment will happily give a few dollopsof sunscreen to anyone who so desires —protecting against those painful burns.

I know what you’re thinking about thiswhole thing: You wouldn’t mind seeingsome people at the beach naked, but there

are others whom you definitely don’t wantto see in their birthday suits. You go to thebeach to have fun, to relax, not to have,well, unappealing bodies thrust under yournose.

Well, for once, the council is way ahead ofyou. Santa Monica’s beaches will be dividedinto two sections: One for attractive people,and one for unattractive folks. Who willdecide? There will be a least one male andone female Santa Monica employee at everyentrance to the beach. They will decide whogoes to which beaches. Their decisions willbe final, and are not subject to appeal orplastic surgery.

What happens if a couple arrives at thebeach, and one of them is considered“attractive,” and the other is deemed “unat-tractive?” It may seem cruel and unusual, butthey will be sent to separate and appropriatebeaches.

I brought this up to Winter saying, “Doyou really think it’s right to split up couples atthe beach like this?” He lowered his voice andreplied, “Let’s be realistic. If there is such adisparity of looks between the two, they’regoing to break up pretty soon anyway. Thisway, the City of Santa Monica is helping themfind others in their “attractiveness category.”

I left the council meeting, shaking myhead. It seemed like such a radical measure.It was ridiculous. It was outlandish. It wasnonsensical. In other words, it was like somany other things in Santa Monica.

When he isn’t busy offering to spreadlotion on the backs of attractive women,Lyod Gahver can be reached at wan-deringeyes@coppertone.com

The naked truth at the beach

SANTAMONICA’SBEACHES

WILL BE DIVIDED INTOTWO SECTIONS: ONE FOR

ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE,AND ONE FOR

UNATTRACTIVE FOLKS.”

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014Local

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BY BILL DOLLAR Special to the Daily Press

CITYWIDE City Hall is making it easier forresidents and visitors alike to becomesquared away on Santa Monica’s uniquelifestyle by publishing a series of guides —all available online, as cell phone apps and asold fashioned, printed brochures.

The City Council, in accordance with itssocialist agenda, felt it best to explicitly dic-tate how residents and visitors should actwhile out in public in the city by the sea. Theguides come just two months after LifestyleCompliance Officers were hired to “assist”with the transition after some residentsrebelled against the council’s doctrine.

Those who failed to make the change willbe rounded up and deported to Mar Vistaand Palms.

Here’s a look at the topics covered in theguides.

“Political Correctness Santa MonicaStyle.” Ever wonder how to pronounce"Tongva" or "Moomat Ahiko?" Confusedabout what they mean? This is the guide foryou.

Also, it includes things not to say thatwould offend Santa Monicans such as "Youhave a lot of homeless here,” "There’s notenough parking,” "There are too many bicy-cle lanes,” “Your skyline is boring. Notenough tall buildings,” and “What? No plas-tic bags?”

The rules also include, “Appreciating NewSanta Monica Public Art.” Santa Monica hassome of the most controversial public art inthe country. Sneak a peek at three newworks.

• "The Bird” Facing "Chain Reaction” infront of the Santa Monica Courthouse, is a35-foot-tall, upright, concrete hand, middlefinder extended, mounted at the wrist onto achildproof base.

• “Faces” Portraits of members of the topsecret San Malicians for Renters’ RightsSteering Committee on the side of the verytop floor of the new Miramar Hotel. They’llbe overlooking the entire city — when wefind out WHO is actually on the SteeringCommittee.

• “Lost Traditions,” a free-standing sculp-ture in Palisades Park that depicts large,bronzed, muscular male and female figuresclad in "Training for Life" T-shirts. It’s anhomage to fitness trainers who held classesthere once upon a time. Now, exercise is pro-hibited, except on the beach.

• “Coping with Santa Monica Traffic.”CSMT is an exciting new gaming experience

for Nintendo, Atari and smart phone. Drivefrom one side of town to the other side asfast as you can and score big points. Win apoint for beating a traffic signal, 5 points forrunning a stop sign and 10 points for notgetting stuck in gridlock. Get into a round-about and lose two turns. Road rage will costyou five turns.

Extra points are earned if you drive aPrius. Back to zero if you hit a bicyclist,pedestrian or another car. Get a citation andgo to jail. Sounds like fun? Absolutely!

“Famous Santa Monica Republicans —Extended Version” A single page compendi-um of famous Santa Monica Republicanscomplete with photos and biographies.Printed on heavy stock. Downloadable.

"Beached Santa Monica: A guide forbeach goers." All you need to know aboutSanta Monica's famous coastline. Written bySandy Beach. A listing of all 1,126 “rules forproper beach behavior” and how to still havea good time without getting cited for some-thing. It includes tips, too, like stay awayfrom the water underneath the pier! There’salso instructions on how to avoid gangmembers; respecting wildlife and transientcamps; coping with dangers in the water likesting rays, rip currents, sharks, trash andover-sexed teenage boys looking for hook-ups.

Special section: the hunkiest lifeguards —with photos — and which towers to findthem. Secret parking lots and nude beaches.Best restaurants and bike rentals. How towalk across hot sand and not get burned,plus where to put your car keys when youswim alone. (Hint: it’s not comfortable.)

"Santa Monica for Dummies," a compan-ion piece for City Hall’s Citizen Academy.Chapters on scoring affordable housing,using mass transit, finding homeless servicescenters, dealing with code enforcement,where to park and being your sustainablebest. Special smart phone app included:“Running for City Council.”

In addition to the guides are color-codedmaps showing key city locations — policeand fire stations, animal shelters, recreation-al facilities, favorite homeless hangouts,recycling centers, low-income housing withpools, best parks to “meet the person ofyour dreams” in and how to find the VeniceBoardwalk.

There you have it, the latest in guides forall things Santa Monica. Or, as the city’smotto says, “Better things for better livingthrough chicanery.”

billy@smdp.com

City Hall unveils new rulesfor being a Santa Monican

YOUR OPINION MATTERS! SEND YOUR LETTERS TO • Santa Monica Daily Press • Attn.Editor: • 1640 5th Street, Suite 218 • Santa Monica, CA 90401 • editor@smdp.com

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BY LOCO CRAZY SIMPSONDaily Press Staff Writer

MAIN STREET City officials were right aboutChain Reaction. The controversial peacesculpture, marred by years of wear-and-tear,toppled Monday killing nine residents andinjuring 27.

Santa Monica Police have not yet releasedthe identities of the victims but witnessesspotted the bloody shorts of local peaceactivist Jary Ruben protruding from the rub-ble.

The collapse, and the following devasta-tion, bore an uncanny resemblance to thepredictions of Building Official RodTocigushi, who previously stated at a CityCouncil meeting that “when the chainsfinally give and the iron sequoia at last col-lapses, fires will rain from the sky andremaining will be the lifeless shells of nine ofour own — another one score and sevenmaimed.”

At the time of his pronouncement, theaudience in the Council Chamber fell silentbefore breaking into raucous laughter.

But no one was laughing on Monday.The sculpture, which council recently

voted to save despite Tocigushi’s stern warn-ings, began to tilt as its weakest link finallysuccumbed to rust.

“My baby! She’s going give,” witnessesreport hearing Ruben shout. He then report-edly released the tree he was hugging andheroically ran toward the sculpture.

As advocates have pointed out, ChainReaction, which sits in front of a picturesqueparking lot, is overwhelmingly popular andso it was only natural that hundreds weregathered around it at the time of the incident.

Grown men were spotted leaving thescene in tears, chains protruding from theirfaces. A baby drowned in the mass of metallinks.

Tocigushi watched stoically from hisperch on the roof of City Hall, where heoften stood, calculating and calculatingagain, hoping the results would be different,but they never were. He stood and watchedlike a cursed prophet without a tongue,who’s seen the impending doom but can’trelay the message.

“I now know how Noah must have felt,”he said, still catatonic from what he’d wit-nessed. “They laughed at him. They laugheduntil the rains came. Well the rains are hereand I’m still dry. There’s blood on yourhands, you dirty hippies!”

City Hall put out an uncharacteristicallyfrank release entitled: “We told you so.”

“For years we tried to warn you,” therelease said. “Years. And what was theresponse? ‘Oh boo-hoo, don’t take ourbeloved symbol of peace and nuclear disar-mament.’ The Cold War is over, guys. Opena newspaper. Ever heard of terrorism?Global warming? Put up a sculpture thatdepicts the 2008 financial crisis and thenwe’ll talk.”

“Let’s be honest,” City Hall’s release con-tinued. “The thing looked like a giant turd.”

Meanwhile, residents were circulating apetition seeking to ban their right to circu-late petitions, complaining that they requiretoo much paper and are therefore bad forthe environment.

Plans are already underway for a memo-rial sculpture. Preliminary designs show aprecariously top-heavy tower with a narrowbase all to be constructed out of butcherknives and loaded handguns.

dave@smdp.com

Paul Genser III editor@smdp.comOH NO! Local peace activist Jary Ruben wascrushed by the controversial 'Chain Reaction'sculpture when it gave way to long-suspecteddamage created when local school childrenused the structure as a play gym.

Chain Reaction collapses:Nine dead, dozens injured

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014Local

7Visit us online at www.smdp.com

BY CASH MONEYDaily Press Staff Writer

DOWNTOWN As the price of living in SantaMonica continues to rise to levels unseensince the dot.com boom of the 1990s, there’sa new group of residents crying poverty.

After years of watching City Hall develophousing for low-income out-of-towners,households earning over $200,000 a year areasking for subsidies to comfortably live thelifestyle they say they deserve as taxpayers inthe city by the sea.

“Do you realize how expensive it is to buya home North of Montana?” asked RihannaCordon, the leader of the newly-formedgroup United for a Better Tomorrow. “A dol-lar just doesn’t buy a solarium in this mar-ket.”

With prices for single-family homes soar-ing into the millions and condos the size ofstudio apartments now a hot commodity,the situation has come to a point where onlyextremely wealthy families can expect toafford local asking prices.

What community activists want is a SantaMonica where everybody can afford to find ahome, not just the super rich and extremelylow-income earners.

City Hall’s longtime policy of developinglow-income housing has been effective atcreating diversity among the population, butit has left upper middle-class families out ofthe loop.

It is common knowledge that cityemployees that make an average of $120,000to $160,000 cannot afford the Rockwellianutopia — acres of green grass, swimmingpools and hot tubs, lavish gardens, extendeddriveways, fountains, ceramic elves and cit-rus groves.

Santa Monicans for Renters’Entitlements, the city’s most powerful polit-ical machine, has embraced the idea, citing aneed to embrace gentrification.

Cordon and former Mayor MickMinestein came to the realization that if newpolicies weren’t created, their ilk would beon the outside looking in.

“Nobody wants to live in Culver City,”

Minestein said. “Don’t even get me startedabout Venice. What was once an affordableenclave is quickly becoming Santa MonicaJr.”

What United for a Better Tomorrow isasking of City Hall is some form of tax sub-sidy that would allow them to deduct downpayments and moving expenses.

“It wouldn’t solve all of our problems, butit’s a start,” Cordon said.

The director of non-profit CommunityCo. of Santa Monica, Lara Betts, said thatsubsidizing housing for the more well-to-doisn’t a bad idea considering the currenthousing market in the city by the sea.

She too has noticed that middle- andupper middle-class families are having thehardest time staying in Santa Monica andshe believes something can be done aboutthe housing imbalance. Poor people knowthey can qualify while the über rich have noconcerns.

“People can laugh all they want, but thesepeople really need our help as a community,”Betts said. “Where would it leave us if justselect populations can find homes in SantaMonica? Imagine a world with no teachers,fire fighters and nurses. Not a pretty pic-ture.”

While a new idea in Santa Monica, thisconcept has been tried in Norway.

Oslo residents were successful in passinga series of bonds that built high-end condosspecifically for the upper middle-class.Demand for that housing was so high thatcity officials had to spend money from themunicipality’s general fund to continue thepush, ultimately constructing over 200 unitsin the space of three years.

“We decided we needed to take care ofour own,” said Oslo Mayor Sven Tollefsrud.“As luck would have it, I applied for and wasgranted one of the units.”

Meanwhile, a group of communityactivists are attempting to overturn a CityCouncil decision to approve the minutesfrom a previous meeting simply becausethey want to be snarky.

cashmoney@smdp.com

Affluent demand housing subsidies

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BIG EATER Morgan Alvarez Jr. editor@smdp.comGreat white sharks have been spotted in Santa Monica Bay recently. Aside from the seal in thisphoto, eight surfers have come up missing locally. As a precaution, the paddleboard race hasbeen canceled and will not be rescheduled until the sharks have moved on.

The next steps for the airport are unclear.One group called Airport2Park released ren-derings of what they’ve labeled a “ditchpark” to be built in the middle of the tarmac.

Several local developers have submittedproposals to put boxy, high-rise office build-ings in the hole.

Meanwhile, residents were circulating apetition to repeal the space-time continuum,complaining that it is unfairly restrictive.

City Hall has already built several bikepaths traversing the trench. A homelessencampment has settled in nicely.

Gobbarb is hoping the changes continue.“I’d like to see City Hall take over the

responsibility of selling aviation fuel ratherthan allowing it to be sold by private compa-nies,” he said. “I’m going to apply for a job asthe city employee who pumps the fuel. Butthen, instead of filling up the tanks withactual fuel, I’ll fill them with pudding or

sheep blood.”Airport Owners and Flyers Association

(AOFA), a nationwide aviation advocacygroup with deep pockets and no regard forlife below the clouds, said in a release thatthe bulldozing was not the final word.

“Yet again we humble, underprivilegedowners of private jets are being oppressed,”AOFA’s release said. “These NIMBY neigh-bors are declaring war on the mostAmerican of notions: If you’re wealthyenough to own a jet, there are no rules.”

AOFA says it will fight to repave the run-way. For backfill they plan to use the partic-ulate matter created by jet exhaust and thelead from the bloodstreams of the neighborswho inhale the fumes.

Ruben declared his previous organiza-tion — “Concerned Residents AgainstAirport Pollution,” or CRAAP — nolonger relevant and immediately foundeda new organization dubbed “SolutionHere Is Trenches.”

dave@smdp.com

AIRPORTFROM PAGE 1

Food10 TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

BY ‘SNACKS’ RIAN Mellise embodies the height of contem-

porary French gastronomy.That is why there is a considerable

amount of buzz surrounding its new SuperFrench All You Can Eat Lunch BuffetBonanza. At last, Texas-sized portions andworld-class French cuisine come together atSanta Monica’s most distinguished fine din-ing restaurant.

Going back for seconds or even fourths isno faux pas. Pile on plates full of endlessescargot, and brimming bowls of bouilla-baisse, after all it’s all you can eat.

“French food is delicious, but I’m tired ofeveryone complaining about how small theportions are,” laments Mellise’s HeadChef/Owner Gosiah Sitron as he carried awarming tray full of braised guinea fowl inadvance of the lunch rush.

“I thought to myself, ‘What does theHomeTown Buffet have that Mellise does-n’t?”

Taking a play out of a more traditionalstyle buffet’s playbook, the restaurant,recipient of two Michelin Stars, is broad-ening its appeal. Season-driven hot trayswill afford diners a boat-load of optionsincluding poached monkfish and egg yolksauce, braised goose with chestnut andsausage stuffing and mutton. Tons ofmutton.

Sitron even brought back foie gras, butsales have been lighter than expected.

“I’m not sure the new diners are used tothe richness that comes with eating a gooseliver, but that’s the beauty of the buffet, ifyou don’t like something, go grab a cleanplate,” the chef said.

Paired with the schooner-sized bottom-less Bordeaux or Richebourg Grand Cru,and Mellise’s all you can eat buffet is sure to

be a hit.But don’t expect HomeTown Buffet

prices. All you can eat for two hours is $500;with wine is $1,200. Children under 12 witha finicky palate eat free.

SUPER

Seven-11 stands for convenience. TheThird Street Farmers’ Market is all aboutfreshness. The two will now team up togeth-er as Seven-11 unveils its Farm-to-Rollerslineup.

Anyone who has frequented Seven-11,whether it’s for a quick snack or a late nightdiaper run, is familiar with the rollers usual-ly filled with wrinkly hot-dogs perpetuallybaking under heat lamps. Those same rollerswill now make way for seasonal offeringssourced from the finest fare via area farmers.

New items will include Fairview Garden’sfava bean and squash blossom taquitos,Carlsbad Aquafarm oyster poppers, andHarry’s Berries tarts.

Maggie’s Farm Super Kale Slurpees willalso be available as the convenience chaincapitalizes on the juicing craze.

“Now more than ever is a great time forour beloved Farmers’ Market to go corpo-rate so City Hall can start capitalizing onwhat has mostly been a home-grownoperation with very little fundingattached,” explained Farmers’ MarketSupervisor Lori Avery.

Avery was instrumental in landing thelucrative deal with the nation’s largest con-venience franchise. Circle K was reported-ly interested in a similar partnership butthere are only a handful of outlets inSouthern California, whereas Seven-11sdominate the landscape, especially in theSan Fernando Valley where access to fresh

produce is limited.The new partnership is not without its

challenges. Extreme measures were imple-mented to meet Seven-11’s high volumedemands. All the farms have now beenconsolidated into a larger parent farm cor-poration — SaMoCorp. To increase pro-ductivity, SaMoCorp will now implementpesticides and GMOs as part of their grow-ing process, but only for produce suppliedto Seven-11s.

“It was a though decision to not goorganic, but it was the only way to staycompetitive and keep the shareholderssatisfied,” said CEO of SaMoCorp LoriAver.

THAT’S SO 2010

Kale is out and Brussels sprouts are back.The leafy, crunchy green that has become

a staple in most Santa Monica kitchens hasfallen out of favor with foodies, who havecircled back to that robust cabbage that hasbeen so maligned in years past. Food enthu-siasts praise sprouts for their cancer-fightingproperties as well as their low-calorie con-tent. They also pair really well with baconand goat cheese.

Since the kale boom of the late 2000s,prices have skyrocketed, around $56 apound, making sprouts a more economi-cally-friendly option for families still con-cerned about fiber, vitamins and potassi-um.

Celery is also rumored to be on a come-back. Forget ants on a log. Think creamcheese and smoked salmon celery skewers.Also, don’t underestimate iceberg lettuce.The wedge salad has been getting more playon fine dining menus thanks to its low-cost.

D.K.’S GOES DANK

Foodie hot spot D.K.’s Donuts nowlaunches its newest menu item, marijuana.In an unprecedented move, D.K.’s willbecome the sole sanctioned pot dispensarywithin the Santa Monica city limits.

Through an obscure loophole (which theCity Council immediately closed) the donutshop received the green light to sell cannabison their premises. With weed now on themenu, D.K.’s plans to become a one-stopshop for pot and the subsequent munchies,too.

Now the standard sticky buns and applefritters will jostle for position alongsidebubba kush and pineapple express. D.K.’shas wasted no time creatingmarijuana/donut hybrids like the RoyalKush Crullers and Afghan Skunk CinnamonTwists.

“We’re stoked with the new addition toour menu. The trouble is finding room inour display case for everything,” explainsowner of D.K.’s Donuts, Maylee Tao as shestirs melted butter filled with crushed mari-juana buds for baking.

“This bear claw is great for my cataracts,”explains Margaret Anderson, loyal D.K.’scustomer and resident of the nearby retire-ment home Sunrise of Santa Monica.

Croissants and coffee cake are not theonly things baked at D.K.’s these days.

Tao plans to add bean bags, blacklightposters and incense to create a “lounge-like”atmosphere.

Mikey can be seen riding around town on hisbike burning calories so he can eat more food.He can be reached at michael@smdp.com.Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/grease-week.

TOUR DE EAT

Mellise, home of Michelin Stars, goes HomeTown Buffet

BY LIL’ PUPPETDaily Press Staff Writer

COLORADO AVE Eager to change itsunhealthy image, McDanald’s is testing anew quinoa, tempeh and kale burger at itsSanta Monica locations.

After years of fending off criticism that itsmenu is loaded with fattening options,McDanald’s executives have been scram-bling to make its menu more health-con-scious.

“We are proud to change things up,”McDanald’s CEO Ronaldinho McDanaldsaid. “We figured it was time to roll out aproduct that appeals to health nuts. Whatbetter place to try this than in SantaMonica?”

During development, other items weretested, but none of them made the cut.There was talk of steamed broccoli wrapsand even acai berry smoothies, but thoseproducts never made it out of the testingphase.

Once somebody threw out the concept ofa quinoa and kale creation everybody in thetest kitchen nodded in approval, afraid toadmit that it wasn’t very tasty, insiders toldthe Daily Press.

Industry experts believe that it’s big ofMcDanald’s to be an innovator in the healthfood game, but fear that the ingredientsselected had more to do with buzz wordsand less about taste.

“This just smells of a reach,” said BobGranderson, editor of Healthy Eating maga-

zine. “Would I be willing to try it? No. But, is

this a savvy move by McDanald’s? Yes.”Early reviews of the burger are mixed.A young couple with yoga mats slung

over their shoulders left the Second Street

McDanald’s location with a look ofbemusement.

While they liked the concept of a new

burger, the flavor was lacking, they said.They were also concerned about how itwould be like entering a McDanald’s, whichthey haven’t set foot in since seventh grade.

“It sounded like a good idea, but I thinkI’d rather have tempeh,” Sage Rosenfeld said.“Dude, a real bro doesn’t need meat.”

The timing of the release of the burgermay have something to do with a recenttrans-fat scandal.

After telling the public that its french frieswould be cooked in a more heart-healthy oil,an undercover operation by the creator ofthe “Super Size Us” documentary discoveredthat the spuds were being cooked in a mix-ture of margarine, lard and lipo-suction left-overs.

Public outrage ensued, pushing the fast-food giant to clean up its image in light ofthe ever-growing obesity epidemic plaguingthe United States and parts of WesternEurope.

“Or course the release of the burger is toimprove our public image,” McDanald’sexecutive chef Stefan Lacroix said. “Can youblame us?”

To sweeten the deal, McDanald’s is offer-ing the new burger for free for those luckyenough to find coupons in local newspapers.

Meanwhile, a new group of communityactivists is trying to repeal the sale of CraftAmerican Cheese Singles at local grocerystores citing the product’s main ingredient,yoga mats.

lil’puppet@smdp.com

McDanald’s introduces quinoa, tempeh, kale burger

Image courtesy McDanald’s GOOD EATS: Redeem this coupon for your free quinoa, kale and tempeh burger.

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014Local

11Visit us online at www.smdp.com Come rediscover aSanta Monica Classic

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STEAKS • FRESH FISH • FULL BARIn fact, an illegal meat-smuggling tradehas already formed with gangs like theBurger Boyz hawking shish kebabs under-neath the Santa Monica Pier.

High-end meats surreptitiously crossedthe Venice border in supposedly vegan foodtrucks en route to the homes of celebritiesand dignitaries.

Councilmember Bobby Holbrooks, whocast the lone dissenting vote, is engulfed in ascandal after being spotted, drumstick inhand, coming out of a known “meateasy” bar.

Meanwhile, residents were circulating a

petition demanding that three councilmem-bers recuse themselves for allegedly accept-ing donations from lobbyists representingBig Tofurfkey.

City Hall issued business owners safetybeef boxes, which lock at midnight onMondays and unlock on Tuesday.

Bay Cities, famous for their subs featur-ing the best cured meats west of the 405Freeway, is not impacted by the ban becausethey are closed on Mondays.

The iconic Ocean Front Walk restaurantHot Dog on a Stick is now offering a half-offMonday-only special called “nothing on astick.”

loco@smdp.com

MEATFROM PAGE 3

Local12 TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

Surf Forecasts Water Temp: 61.9°

TUESDAY – FAIR – SURF: 2-3 ft Knee to chest highNew WNW swell may show as old WNW swell fades; watching for a fun new SSW swell to show

WEDNESDAY – POOR TO FAIR – SURF: 2-3 ft thigh to waist highPotential new WNW swell eases; modest SSW swell continues

THURSDAY – FAIR – SURF: 2-3 ft ankle to waistVery Small mid period swell from the south holding during the day.Light west-southwest winds with a slight chop, Increasing later.

FRIDAY – FAIR – SURF: 2-3 ft ankle to waistVery Small mid period swell from the south holding during the day. Breezy west-northwestwinds, whitecapping conditions with moderate choppy seas all day.

S U R F R E P O R Tnity benefits that will be offered by develop-ers who wish to build above and beyondwhat the zoning laws allow.

The City Council on Tuesday approvedthe benefits, giving residents and developersa clue as to what they can expect moving for-ward. Benefits will be divided into tiersbased on the density and height of a devel-opment, with free car washes and grandemochas from Cafe Luxxe on the lowest tier,and more expensive gifts like seven-dayvacations to any Sandals resort and a gently-used EV on the highest tier. Cash money wasalso included in the top tier, with each resi-dent living within a five-block radius of aproposed development receiving 3 percentof the project’s capital costs.

“We want to give our friends … I meandevelopers … a set of options to choosefrom early on in the process to make devel-oping easier, more streamlined and morepredictable,” said Mayor Spam O’Conner,who is currently being investigated by theCalifornia Ethics Commission for allegedlyaccepting improper gifts from donors dur-ing her last re-election campaign, includingthe crystal egg, autographed by Tom Cruise,featured in “Risky Business.”

Naturally, residents complained aboutthe benefits packages, saying they were notcomprehensive enough given the impactdevelopment has had on traffic, parking,aesthetics and air flow. Gone too are some ofthe more popular benefits offered in thepast, such as low-income housing, bikeparking and storage and funding for the arts.

“We are losing those benefits that helpimprove the quality of life for the city as awhole, and instead are being offered crea-ture comforts that benefit only the indi-vidual,” said Councilman KevenMkCeown, who made a late push to putlow-income housing back on the list, butwas overruled, 6-1.

Supporters of the new benefits list,including the Santa Monica Committee ofCommerce and the Association of Mom-and-Pops, said they will have a more imme-diate impact and not only improve the livesof residents, but also local businesses, whichwill benefit from the increase in activitythanks to the gift card policy. Developers ofprojects greater than 300 feet will have toprovide gift cards to every resident in theamount of $250, which residents can thenuse at any business within Santa Monica’sborders. That can include hair dressers,restaurants, chiropractors and dry cleaners,just to name a few.

“I’m totally stoked,” said Mike Vawn,owner of Pro SUP Shop, who teaches peoplehow to paddleboard in the Santa MonicaBay. “I estimate that my business willincrease by at least 20 percent thanks to thisnew policy. People want to paddleboard;they just don’t know it yet. With these giftcards, they’ll be more likely to splurge andtake a chance on a new activity since some-one else is picking up the tab.”

Meanwhile, residents were circulating apetition to qualify for the ballot an initiativebanning fishing from the Santa Monica Pier,saying the practice is tantamount to torturefor fish and other marine life.

shygirl@smdp.com

BENEFITSFROM PAGE 1

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014Comics & Stuff

13Visit us online at www.smdp.com

The Meaning of Lila By John Forgetta & L.A. Rose

By Jim DavisGarfield

Strange Brew

Dogs of C-Kennel By Mick and Mason Mastroianni

ARIES (March 21-April 19) ★★★ I’m telling you, don’t get out of bed. I’veread a lot of these star maps and I’ve neverseen anything like the day you’re about tohave. If you’re reading this at your kitchentable ... hide. If you’re reading this at work, itmight already be too late. Tonight: Give up.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) ★★★★★ YOne-twelfth of the world’s popula-tion is going to experience exactly what youexperience today. If you had been born a fewdays later you’d be a Gemini and your whole lifewould be different. You’d be a millionaire rightnow if your mom hadn’t decided on the plannedC-section. Tonight: Stop reading horoscopes

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) ★★★★ Take it all — the house, the savingsaccount, the pension — and bet it on black. It’ssurefire. It’s like printing money. Or, wait, was itred? I think it was red, actually. Let me checkagain. Yeah, bet on red. Definitely red. Bet all ofit. Do it. Tonight: Send the Daily Press a checkfor $100..

CANCER (June 21-July 22) ★★★★ Don’t let that two-bit little Libra gethis hands on anymore of your cash. Just whothe hell does he think he is? And don’t get mestarted on Sagittarius. Everything that comesout of her mouth is garbage. Did you hear whatshe did with Leo? Ew. Tonight: Everybody WangChung..

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)★★★ Your inner compass is on the fritz asMars has moved into Jupiter’s orbit, makingEarth’s gravitational pull weaker than yourknees after a few squats. It’s probably the rea-son why you have been having such horribleluck lately. That drunk text you sent your ex,the hot coffee you spilled on your lap whiledriving, the firing following those pesky childpornography charges; all because of the redplanet. Tonight: Get out your telescope andcurse Mars. You also might want to find a goodlawyer. Try Kris Harding, we hear she’s good.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) ★★★★ The planets have aligned in your favor.It’s time to start applying for another job soyou can get the hell out of your parents’ base-ment. Yeah, we all knew that degree in 20thcentury French poetry wasn’t going to land youa gig straight away, but we thought somethingwould materialize. It’s time to face facts andapply for that job in fast food, just until some-thing opens up. Tonight: Revise your resume. .

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)★★★★ Don’t ride your bike to work today. Ifyou do, you will get a flat, someone will pull outin front of you and nearly kill you, another willcurse the day you were born and your front tirewill be stolen while you’re at work. Better todrive. Oh wait. You don’t have a car. I guessyou’ll just have to walk. Tonight: Soak your feetin Epsom salt.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)★★★★ No one ever wants to say it to your facebut you are seriously annoying. Today, try andtone it down a notch. You’re at 12 and the universeneeds you at 4. Tonight: You realize this is whyyou have no friends.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) ★★★ Did I ever mention that you look good inblue? Seriously, don’t make it weird, I’m justsaying. I also think that you would make a goodparent. Am I being too forward? If so, get overit. Tonight: Stop being mean to your cat. Hedeserves better than that..

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)★★★ Linda, babe, nothing is safe at grandma’shouse. Honey, Linda, I just want one cupcake.Look, Linda, I’m serious. It’s what I want fordinner. Tonight: Get me a cupcake, Linda..

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) ★★★★★ Take the time to look deep withinyour soul. Past the body image issues, beyondyour problems with your parents. Find thatplace where you, and only you, feel comfort-able. If you can’t pull this simple exercise off,you really have more problems than I can helpyou with. Tonight: Get a tub of ice cream andeat it with shame..

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) ★★★ Log off the dating website, clean your-self up and head out to the club. Even a loserlike you can find love (or lust) in a dimly-litbar filled with buzzed 30-somethings.Tonight: Eat your veggies or Jesus is goingto be ticked off.

You’re not a joke despite your dubious birthday. AprilFools’ Day is a time for a few laughs, cold beers and cel-ebrating your birth. But, don’t have too much fun.Nobody wants to be the person who gets too drunk andstarts a fight with a random dude from Sylmar

★★★★★Dynamic ★★★★ Positive ★★★ Average

★★ So-So ★ Difficult

JACQUELINE BIGAR’S STARSThe stars show the kind of day you’ll have:

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By John DeeringSpeed Bump By Dave Coverly

Aero Theatre1328 Montana Ave.(310) 260-1528

Twin Peaks Marathon 0934hrs

Homecoming Queen/Cocaine Addict Laura Palmer… in person! Q&A moderated by James Lipton.Director David Lynch will be signing copies of hisautobiography “Catching the Big Fish” in the lobbystarting at 0700 hrs

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Noah (NC-17) 2hrs 18min0235hrs, 1158hrs, 1936hrs, 2003hrs

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Joan of Arc (R) 1hr 29min0921hrs, 1333hrs, 1500hrs, 1840hrs, 2100hrs

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Marie Antoinette (G) 1hr 40min0600hrs, 1200hrs, 1323hrs, 1745hrs, 2050hrs

Gandhi (R) 2hr 19min1100hrs, 1452hrs, 1933hrs, 2100hrs

Patton (GA) 1hr 52min1030hrs am, 1150hrs, 1766hrs, 2030hrs

Laemmle’s Monica Fourplex1332 Second St.(310) 478-3836

A Snake of June (NR) 4hrs 30min0235hrs, 1158hrs, 1936hrs, 2003hrs

Manji (X) 1hr 15min0837hrs, 1030hrs, 1513hrs, 2148hrs

The Dolls (NC-17) 1hr 35min0600hrs, 1200hrs, 1323hrs, 1745hrs, 2050hrs

Love on a Pillow (R) 14:45hrs, 1637hrs, 22:30hrs

For more information, e-mail editor@smdp.com

MOVIE TIMES

ON THE REAL TIP, VIRGO

office (310) 458-7737

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Puzzles & Stuff14 TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

■ After a Feb. 11 explosion at a nat-ural gas well in Greene County, Pa.,killed one worker, burned for fourdays and caused massive trafficjams and other inconveniences, thepublic relations response of well-owner Chevron was merely to giveaway vouchers for pizza and soda atlocal hangout Bobtown Pizza.Environmentalists were outraged atChevron's "let them eat cake/pizza"attitude, but CBS News found quite afew locals who supported Chevron'sresponse. (For one thing, Bobtown'spizza is apparently highly regarded.)■ Injudicious: (1) James Degorski,41, serving life in prison for a cold-blooded mass murder during abotched restaurant robbery inPalatine, Ill., in 1993, was awarded$451,000 by a jury recently after aprison guard punched him in theface, necessitating complex sur-gery. Said a parent of one ofDegorski's victims, "If broken bonesare worth a half-million, how muchare (the seven victims') livesworth?" (2) Former star soccergoalie Bruno Fernandes de Souza,28, serving 22 years in prison inBrazil for the murder of his girl-friend and feeding of part of herbody to his dogs, was granted work-release in March by prison officials -- with the "work" assignment beingto play soccer for a Brazilian proteam that, upon learning of therehabilitation law, signed him to acontract and urged his release.

NEWS OF THE WEIRDB Y C H U C K S H E P A R D

SudokuFill in the blank cells using numbers 1 to 9. Each number canappear only once in each row, column, and 3x3 block. Use logicand process of elimination to solve the puzzle. The difficultylevel ranges from ★ (easiest) to ★★★★★ (hardest).

1970– President RichardNixon signs the Public

Health Cigarette Smoking Act intolaw, requiring the SurgeonGeneral's warnings on tobaccoproducts and banning cigaretteadvertisements on television andradio in the United States, startingon January 1, 1971.

1971– Bangladesh LiberationWar: The Pakistan Army

massacre over 1,000 people inKeraniganj Upazila, Bangladesh.

1973– Project Tiger, a tigerconservation project, is

launched in the Corbett NationalPark, India.

TODAY IN HISTORY

MYSTERY PHOTO Paul Alvarez Jr. editor@smdp.comThe first person who can correctly identify where this image was captured wins a prize from theSanta Monica Daily Press. Send answers to editor@smdp.com. Send your mystery photos to editor@smdp.com to be used in future issues.

King Features Syndicate

GETTING STARTEDThere are many strategies to solvingSudoku. One way to begin is toexamine each 3x3 grid and figureout which numbers are missing.Then, based on the other numbers inthe row and column of each blankcell, find which of the missing num-bers will work. Eliminating numberswill eventually lead you to theanswer.

SOLUTIONS TO YESTERDAY’S PUZZLE

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