Truman Waco - Home Buying (1)

8/20/2019 Truman Waco - Home Buying (1)

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2/23

INT. TRUMAN AND CARLA’S HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY

CARLA (40) is is seated at a kitchen table, and has a box ofcereal and an empty bowl in front of her. TRUMAN (40) walksinto the room, sits down next to her, and begins to peel abanana that’s on the table.

CARLATruman--we’re out of milk.

TRUMANOh. That reminds me. I sold ourhouse. We have to move out in twohours.

CARLAWhy did you sell our house?

TRUMAN

So we can move next to my parents.That way, you’ll stop sayingunfunny things like, "Truman, we’reout of milk," and you’ll startsaying funny things like,"Marie--that sculpture looks agiant vagina."

CARLAWhat?

TRUMANHoney--it worked on Everybody Loves

Raymond .

CARLAWell. Maybe I just want to havemilk with my Special K, withoutstarring in a fucking sitcom.

Truman takes out his phone and presses a few buttons.

MAN (ON SPEAKERPHONE)TimeCom Cable. How can I help you?

TRUMANI’m looking for a channel calledthe "The Unfunny ConversationsAbout Milk and Cereal Network."

MAN (ON SPEAKERPHONE)Um. We don’t carry that channel.


3/23

2.

TRUMANAnd why’s that?

MAN (ON SPEAKERPHONE)Because no one wants to listen tounfunny conversations about milk

and cereal.

TRUMANCan you repeat that statement, butprecede it by saying my wife’sname, Carla.

MAN (ON SPEAKERPHONE)OK. ... Carla--no one wants tolisten to unfunny conversationsabout milk and cereal, you freakingasshole. Fuck you and your SpecialK.

TRUMANOK. I think she got the message.

MAN (ON SPEAKERPHONE)OK. Before you go, can you rateyour satisfaction with my service,on a scale of 1 to 10?

TRUMAN4.

MAN (ON SPEAKERPHONE)

Wait. I didn’t tell you what thenumbers mean. 1 is extremelyunsatisfied, 2 is very unsatisfied,3 is basically unsatisfied, 4 issomewhat unsatisfied, 5 is I likebiscuits and gravy, 6 is somewhatsatisfied, 7 is basicallysatisfied, 8 is I think I might begay, 9 is very satisfied, and 10 iscome to my home and piss all overmy refrigerator.

TRUMAN10.

MAN (ON SPEAKERPHONE)OK, sir. Thank you for usingTimeCom Cable.

Truman puts away the phone.


4/23

3.

TRUMANThere you go. You heard the guy. Weneed to move next to myparents. I’m gonna cancel thisshow, to make room for the new one.

He walks into the kitchen, grabs a mango, and then walksback into the den and throws the mango against a wall.

CARLAWe’re not a show. Plus, you don’tcancel a show by throwing a mangoagainst a wall.

INT. TV SHOW SET - DAY

An AGENT is talking to KELSEY GRAMMER.

AGENTKelsey. I’m telling you. This newsitcom is gonna be a hugehit. People will rank this as thegreatest TV show ever, right aheadof Frasier , Cheers, and TheSopranos.

DIRECTOROK, everybody. Let’s beginshooting.

Kelsey Grammer and the other ACTORS walk onto the set.

DIRECTOREpisode one. Scene one. Take one.... And action!

KELSEY GRAMMER(to another Actor)

I really can’t stand the way thosecashiers bag groceries at thesupermarket.

A MAN IN A SUIT walks onto the set and throws a mangoagainst a wall.

DIRECTOROh. That’s the mango. We gotcancelled.

Kelsey’s Agent walks up to Kelsey.


5/23

4.

AGENTI just talked to The Food Network,and they want to put you in a newsitcom about a man who lives in abowl of chocolate pudding.

KELSEY GRAMMERYou tell them to make it chocolatesyrup, or I’m not doing it!

INT. TRUMAN AND CARLA’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Three MOVERS are carrying items out of the house, while JIM(30, white) and JOSE (40, Mexican) are standing around. Jimis holding a toaster. LEVI (35) and BRUNO (male, 10) walkdown the stairs.

LEVI

Uh. What the hell is going on?

TRUMANI sold the house. We’re moving.

LEVIOK. I guess I’ll go live atDisneyland for a week, until youguys get settled in to your newplace. I have a season pass.

He walks out.

BRUNOWhere are we moving?

TRUMANOn the same block as grandma andgrandpa.

BRUNOAwesome. Grandma and grandpa giveme a dollar every time I go totheir house.

TRUMANReally? When I was a a kid, theygave me a dollar to leave thehouse--and on Christmas, they gaveme ten dollars to leave the house,and a hundred dollar bonus to stayaway until New Years.


6/23

5.

CARLAHoney--why aren’t those

(referring to Jim andJose)

two guys moving stuff?

TRUMANBecause they’re not movers. They’rethe studio audience I hired.

CARLADamn it, Truman. Our livesshouldn’t have a studio audience.Where did you find those guys,anyway?

TRUMANThe same place I get my cholesterolmedication: Craigslist. Yeah. Those

two guys were selling toasters onCraigslist, so I hired them to beour studio audience.

(walks up to Jim)This is Jimothy Halbertson.

JIM(to Carla)

My friends call me Jim. But mycousin Skeeter calls me Lawrence.And my cousin Filo calls meSkeeter.

TRUMAN(to Carla)(points to Jose)

And this is Jose Fernandez.(to Jose)

What do your friends call you?

JOSENo hablo ingles.

CARLATruman. Are you sure you found himon Craigslist?

TRUMANWell. I might’ve picked him up in aHome Depot parking lot. You knowwhat? I have an idea. Let’s makeour show bilingual, so we can getmore viewers. Do you comprenday-o?


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8/23

7.

(to Carla)That’s good. My character will be ajackass, like Ray.

CARLAYour character’s not a jackass.

You’re a jackass.

TRUMANHoney. I don’t think your charactershould be that much of a bitch.

CARLAMy character’s not a bitch. I’m abitch. Actually, no. That’s notwhat I meant.

TRUMANWell. We don’t have time to chit

chat all day about who is and isn’ta bitch. We gotta get our plotmoving along. Everyone get out ofthe car. Vamanos!

Everyone gets out of the car.

A Mover gets out of the moving truck.

MOVER(to Truman)

Hey. Where should we deliver yourstuff?

TRUMANWait here for a second while I buya house.

MOVEROkydoky.

Truman walks up to a home and rings the doorbell. A MAN (40)answers it.

TRUMANI can do 180,000, and not a pennymore.

MANSounds good. Here you go.

The Man grabs eight garbage bags, and puts them outside nearTruman.


9/23

8.

TRUMANWhat the hell is this?

MAN200 pounds of marijuana. Where’sthe $180,000?

TRUMANIn this suitcase.

MANOK.

The Man grabs the suitcase, and then closes the door.

Carla walks up to Truman.

CARLAWhat happened?

TRUMANHoney. Remember how we had no home?

CARLAYeah.

TRUMANWell--now we have no home, nomoney, and 200 pounds of marijuana.

BRUNOHow about we sell that marijuana to

the Wu Tang Klan?

TRUMANI have a better idea. How aboutwe smuggle all this marijuana infrom Mexico, like they did in thatmovie We’re the Millers? That wasfreaking hilarious. And I thinkit’ll appeal to both of our targetdemographics: white males age 18 to49, and Mexican males named Joseage 42. Plus, it’ll let Jose visithis Aunt Maria in Guadalajara.

JOSESi.

BRUNOPlus, I heard that in Mexico, youonly have to be 11 to drink beer.


10/23

9.

CARLAYou’re 10.

BRUNOOn my fake ID, it says that I’m 11.

TRUMANOK. Let’s go to Mexico.

CARLATruman--we already have themarijuana here in America. Whywould we smuggle it in from Mexico?That makes no sense.

TRUMANHoney. Use your brain for a second.Think about it. TV and movies nevermake sense. I mean, did it make

sense for Lucy to get drunkon Vitameatavegamin?

CARLAWe’re not going to Mexico!

TRUMANSo you don’t want to go to Mexico?

CARLANo!

TRUMAN

Oh. OK. I guess we’re not going toMexico. But let me just say this. Ithought you were a fun person.

CARLAWhat?

TRUMANI thought you were fun.

CARLAI am fun.

TRUMANNot as fun as Jennifer Aniston.

CARLAI’m as fun as that puta.


11/23

10.

TRUMANSo you’re as fun as that puta, butyou don’t want to smuggle 200pounds of marijuana in and and outof Mexico?

CARLAWell. No.

TRUMANI get it. You’re fun--but adifferent kind of fun. You’re funin a "let’s play Scrabble and drinkGinger Ale" sense. And you’re notfun in the "let’s do something fun"sense. Therefore, you’re saying noto Mexico.

CARLA

Well. Maybe I’m not saying no.

INT. CAR / EXT. US-MEXICO BORDER - DAY

TRUMANOK, Honey. We’re almost in Mexico.

CARLAYou manipulative son of a bitch.

They pull up to the border inspection area. A BORDERINSPECTOR (male, Mexican) approaches their car.

INSPECTORWhat’s your reason for enteringMexico?

TRUMANI just figured it would be funny.

INSPECTOR(offended)

Funny? What’s so funny aboutMexico? You think Mexico is a jokeof a country?

TRUMANNo. Except for when your Presidentputs on a red grasshopper suit, andis all like, "No contaban con miastucia."


12/23

11.

INSPECTOR(to Carla)

Are you his wife?

CARLAYes.

INSPECTORYou think Mexico’s funny?

CARLANo.

INSPECTORMexico is the world’s leadinggrower of mangoes. Is that funny?

CARLANo. It’s not funny.

INSPECTOR(to Truman)

Mexico is also the world’s leadingmanufacturer of black dildos. Isthat funny?

TRUMANUm. No?

The Inspector hands Truman a pie.

INSPECTOR

Here’s a Mexican pie. You want tothrow it in my Mexican face,because you think I’m a Mexicanclown?

TRUMANNo.

INSPECTOR(to Bruno)

Are you their son?

BRUNOYes. I’m 11.

INSPECTOROK.

(hands him a 6 pack of Tecate)Here’s a 6 pack of Tecate. Drinkit.

(to Jim)

(MORE)


13/23

12.

INSPECTOR (cont’d)Who are you?

JIMI’m Jimothy Halbertson. My friendscall me Jim. But my cousin Skeeter

calls me Lawrence. And my cousinFilo calls me Skeeter.

INSPECTORShut up, Lawrence!

(to Jose)Who are you?

JOSENo hablo Ingles.

INSPECTOR(to Truman)

What the hell is this guy saying?

TRUMANHe’s speaking Spanish.

INSPECTOROh. I get it. You’re trying tosneak a Mexican guy past theborder. Well--not today, amigo.

TRUMANUm. We’re going into Mexico. If youtake a Mexican guy into Mexico,

you’re not sneaking that guy intoMexico. You’re just returning thatguy to Mexico.

INSPECTOROh. I get it. You three gringos aretrying to sneak yourselves intoMexico, and you’re using thisMexican guy as a diversion.

TRUMANFirst of all, his name is Jose--notPedro. And second of all, the onlything we’re trying to sneak intoMexico is 200 pounds of marijuana.

INSPECTOROK. Welcome to Mexico.

They drive past the border.


14/23

13.

TRUMANWe made it. Man--that borderinspector was a real pendejo.

Jose laughs.

JOSE

Pendejo.

CARLASo what are we gonna do now thatwe’re in Mexico?

INT. MEXICAN RESTAURANT - DAY

Truman, Carla, Bruno, Jose, and Jim are seated at a table. AWAITER is taking their orders.

TRUMAN

I’ll have two tacos.

WAITERWhat the hell is a taco? Oh, youmean that fake Mexican food createdby Americans. Real Mexicans don’teat that gringo garbage. We don’teat beans and cheese contained incorn or flour. We eat real Mexicanfood. ... Chicklets. We eatChicklets all day.

INT. CAR / EXT. US-MEXICO BORDER - DAY

Truman, Carla, Bruno, Jim, and Jose are all chewing gum.

TRUMANI don’t get it. How is Mexico thefattest country in the world, ifall they eat is Chicklets? AreChicklets fried in ten gallons ofMexican pork fat?

BRUNO

Can I drink my Tecates now?

Bruno is holding a sex pack or Tecate.

TRUMANThe beers are for desert. Firstfinish chewing all of yourChicklets.


15/23

14.

CARLAWho cares about Chicklets? We’reabout the cross the border with acar full of drugs.

TRUMAN

OK. Let’s just play it cool, andwe’ll have these drugs in Americain no time. Just like on episode 47of Everybody Loves Raymond . It’sjust like they say in Mexico. "Miscacahuates son loco manzanas, yrayo mi yayo es dayo.

CARLAWhat the hell does that mean?

TRUMANIt means, "Everything I know about

drug smuggling, I learned from RayRomano."

They make it to the border.

An AMERICAN INSPECTOR walks up to their car.

AMERICAN INSPECTORAre you bringing anything fromMexico into America?

TRUMANJust a case of dildos.

AMERICAN INSPECTORWhere are they?

TRUMANIn the trunk, right on top of themarijuana.

AMERICAN INSPECTOROK. Welcome back to America. Wait asecond! Wait a second! What colorare the dildos?

TRUMANThey’re black.

AMERICAN INSPECTOROh. OK. Welcome back to America.


16/23

15.

JIMWait a second.

(points to Jose)What about this guy? He has nogreen card. Are you gonna let himinto America?

AMERICAN INSPECTOR(to Jim)You know what? I’ll bet you’reusing him as a diversion, so youcan sneak yourself intoAmerica. Let me see your greencard.

JIMI don’t have a green card. I’m anAmerican. I’m Jimothy Halbertson.My friends call me Jim. My cousinSkeeter calls me Lawrence.

AMERICAN INSPECTORStep out of the vehicle, Skeeter.

He gets out.

JIMListen. I’m American. My UncleJethro calls me Jimmy.

The American Inspector takes out a taser and tases Jim.

AMERICAN INSPECTOR

(to Truman, Carla, and Jose)The rest of you can go.

Truman drives away.

INT. CAR / EXT. STREET / DAY

TRUMANWe did it! We smuggled 200 poundsof marijuana into the UnitedStates. Although to be honest, itwasn’t as funny as I thought itwould be.

He makes a u-turn.

CARLATruman--what the hell are youdoing?


17/23

16.

TRUMANI’m going back into Mexico. Maybeit’ll be funnier the second timearound. Especially since I justthought of a few funny things tosay to that border inspector guy.

Like when he asks me the reason formy visit, I’m gonna say,"Debra--your cooking is awful."

CARLATruman. If you want to have tacosfor dinner instead of Chicklets,then you gotta stay in America.

Truman makes another u-turn.

TRUMANAnyways, like I was saying--we did

it! We smuggled 200 pounds ofmarijuana into the United States.It wasn’t that funny, though.

He pulls over.

TRUMANI have some Mexican mangoes in thetrunk, under the dildos andmarijuana. I’m gonna throw oneagainst this car, and cancel ourshow.

CARLATruman--just keep driving.

TRUMANI need to throw the mango.

CARLAJust because our show isn’t thatfunny, that doesn’t mean you haveto cancel it. I mean, According toJim sucks even more than our show,and it ran for 182 episodes.

TRUMANThat reminds me, honey. Tomorrow,I’m gonna pay Jim Belushi a visit,and drop a truckload of mangoes onthat son of a bitch.


18/23

17.

INT. TACO BELL - DAY

Truman is standing next to Carla, Bruno, and Jose, andholding a tray of food. He sees SNOOP DOGG, WILLIE NELSON,CHEECH, and CHONG seated at a table.

SNOOP DOGGWhat’s cracking, Truman?

TRUMANYo. What up, G?

CHEECHYou want to sit with us?

TRUMANSure.

(to Carla)Honey--these are the guys I sold

our house to.

CARLACheech and Chong, and Willie Nelsonand the Wu Tang Klan?

BRUNOMom. That sounded kind of racist.Not all black men are the Wu TangKlan. This one is Snoop Dogg.

CARLAI stand corrected.

(to Truman)You sold our house to Cheech andChong, and Willie Nelson and SnoopDogg?

TRUMANWell, I sure as hell didn’t sell itto Engelbert Humperdinck and BustaRhymes.

WILLIE NELSONEngelbert who?

SNOOP DOGGBusta who?

Truman and Carla sit down.

TRUMAN(to Cheech, Chong, Snoop, andWillie)

(MORE)


19/23

18.

TRUMAN (cont’d)So how’s the house?

CHEECHGreat. Except some guy from TimeComcable dropped by today and took a

piss on our fridge.

SNOOP DOGGThat guy was from TimeCom Cable? Ithought it was Willie.

WILLIE NELSONWhy the hell would I take a piss onour refrigerator?

SNOOP DOGGMan--I don’t know what white peoplebe doing when they at home and

shit. For all I know, they mighturinate regularly on all of theirkitchen appliances.

WILLIE NELSONNow, Snoop--we’ve been through thisbefore. White people do not engagein secret urination rituals. OK?Those are all just rumors that younegroes like to spread amongst eachother in the ghetto.

SNOOP DOGG

(offended / angry)Man--remind me to kick your crackerass when we get home, WillieNelson.

(to Everyone)Alright. Now it’s time we discussthe real matter of importance athand.

TRUMANOh. You mean you want to analyzeImmanuel’s Kant’s theory on nomenonand phenomenon?

SNOOP DOGGNah, nigga. I want to know where wecan score some weed around here.

TRUMANI don’t know.


20/23

19.

CARLATruman. What about our trunk?

TRUMANYou mean the case of dildos?

CARLA

No. The sacks of marijuana.

INT. HOME (KITCHEN) - NIGHT

Snoop Dogg, Wilie Nelson, Cheech, and Chong are seated at atable smoking marijuana, while Truman, Carla, Bruno, andJose sit next to them and watch.

SNOOP DOGGYo, man. This is the straight upsticky icky ganjatitus invite us inthe shizzle for hizzle it’s

drizzling on my gizzle and my sodapop’s got fizzle--you know what I’msaying?

WILLIE NELSONI know exactly what you’re saying,Snoop.

BRUNOWu Tang!

SNOOP DOGG(to Truman)

How much more of thismari-joo-wanna do you got in yourtrunk?

TRUMANAbout 199.9 pounds.

SNOOP DOGGThat’s it? I’m fi’in to ganjifythat quantification ofnickelodizzle hasto lu-now-o. Youknow what I’m saying?

TRUMAN(to Willie Nelson)

What is he saying?

WILLIE NELSONHe’s saying that he intends tosmoke all of your marijuanatonight.


21/23

20.

(to Snoop Dogg)Man--you straight up trippin andsippin, while Mary Jane puts on heroven mittens--you know what I’msaying?

SNOOP DOGGHell no.

TRUMANListen, Snoop Doggy Dogg. 199.9pounds is a lot of mari-joo-wanna.You know what I’m saying? So Ican’t give it all to you for free.

SNOOP DOGGWhat do you want for it?

TRUMAN

Just give me the house, and we’llcall it even.

SNOOP DOGG(to Willie Nelson, Cheech, andChong)

What do you think, guys?

CHONG(referring to Jose)

Who’s this Mexican guy sitting nextto us?

SNOOP DOGGThat’s Cheech.

CHEECHThat ain’t Cheech. I’m Cheech.

SNOOP DOGGWhatever. Should we trade thishouse for 199.9 pounds of weed?

WILLIE NELSONHell yeah.

CHEECHHell yeah.

CHONGHell yeah.


22/23

21.

JOSENo hable Ingles. I mean, um--hellyeah.

INT. HOME (KITCHEN) - NIGHT

Truman, Carla, and Bruno are eating spaghetti.

TRUMANWell. We got our house back. Justlike on episode 83 of Everybody Loves Raymond . And your spaghettistill tastes like crap--just likeon episodes 1 through 374 ofEverybody Loves Raymond .

BRUNOUh. Dad. Some guy is pissing on ourrefrigerator.

A CABLE GUY starts pissing on the refrigerator.

TRUMAN(to Cable Guy)

Hey. What are you doing?

CABLE GUYI’m pissing on yourrefrigerator--just like on episode97 of Everybody Loves Raymond .

TRUMANYou guys already did that todaybetween 3 and 5.

CABLE GUYYeah. But you called back and saidwe needed to do it again.

TRUMANOh yeah. Well--are you almost done?

CABLE GUYGive me five more seconds.

TRUMANOh. One more thing. Can you sign usup for HBO?

CABLE GUYYeah--but that’ll require me topiss on your stove tomorrow between4 and 7.


23/23

22.

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Snoop Dogg, Willie Nelson, Cheech, Chong, and Jose aresmoking marijuana.

SNOOP DOGG

Alright, guys. We got 27 pounds ofweed left, and no home.

WILLIE NELSONI have an idea. How about wesmuggle all our weed in fromMexico?

SNOOP DOGGI have a better idea. How about wesmoke all of our weed?

WILLIE NELSON

That is a better idea.

Chong is holding a loaf of Wonder Bread.

CHONGI have an even better idea. Howabout we eat this loaf of WonderBread?

JOSEI have an even better idea. Nohablo Ingles.

Truman Waco - Home Buying (1)

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