Transforming Relationships

West Dunbarton

Dr Elizabeth Morris

Self-Esteem

‘You are important and I care about you.’

The most important experience anyone can

have.

What is the difference – if any – between self-esteem and self-

confidence?Self imageSelf image

Believe in himselfBelieve in himself

At easeAt ease

Good with other peopleGood with other people

Content with themselvesContent with themselves

ConfidenceConfidence

AssuranceAssurance

Able to take risksAble to take risks

Able to stand up for herself

Able to stand up for herself

EnergeticEnergetic

Self -confidence and Self-esteem – What are they?

• Both attitudes of mind. • Can both be high or low; positive or

negative.• Interactive. High self confidence and high

self esteem, low self confidence and low self esteem likely to go together.

• SELF CONFIDENCE: how we think and feel about what we are able to do - or not do.

• SELF ESTEEM: how we think and feel about who we are. Feeling valuable as a human being and liking ourselves.

Research on self-esteem by Stanley Coopersmith identified three critical elements to developing it in children. Children who displayed high self-esteem had: • Carers who valued and loved them and expressed

this • Carers who provided firm, fair boundaries and stuck

to these• Carers who involved them democratically in making

certain decisions. School of Emotional Literacy • (carers who model positive self esteem)

3 components of Self Esteem

• A sense of self• A sense of belonging• A sense of personal power

Best Approach

• Whole home or whole school approach- Same messages/permissions- Same values- Consistency- Regularity- Self esteem building team- Empowering actions- Individual response

“Every time we speak to another person weare either raising or lowering their selfesteem.”

Strokes

A stroke is a “unit of recognition”.Strokes may be:

• Verbal v nonverbal• Positive v negative• Conditional (doing) v unconditional

(being)• Direct v indirect• More or less intense.

The Stroke Grid

NEGATIVE POSITIVE

UNCONDITIONALFor Being

Put-Downs

Expressed Love

CONDITIONALFor Doing

Negative Feedback

Praise

How People Treat Us and as a result How We Feel About

Ourselves A person’s self esteem is determined by the ratio of positive to negative unconditional strokes (for being):• Lots of expressed love and few put-downs leads to

high self-esteem.• Lots of put-downs and little expressed love leads to

low self-esteem.• A person’s self-confidence is determined by the ratio of

positive to negative conditional strokes (for doing):• Lots of praise and limited negative feedback leads to high

self-confidence.• Lots of negative feedback and limited praise

leads to low self-confidence.

Strokes can be:

• Given• Received• Asked for• Declined• Filtered out• Distorted.

Receiving Positive Strokes

1. Slow down2. Eye contact3. Keep breathing4. Don’t discount 5. Don't shoot back6. Repeat7. Ask to be repeated8. Thank.

How to boost your “stroke account”

• Positive self talk• Avoiding/refusing unconditional

negative strokes• Avoiding/refusing undeserved

conditional negative strokes• Asking for positive strokes• Letting positive strokes in.

Giving Negative Feedback

1.      Avoid shaming - usually in private

2.      Behaviour – doing, not being3.      Specific 4.      Ask for change / reparation5.      Personalise6.      The + - + sandwich 7. Avoid battles to be right.

Giving praise/appreciation

1. Work out what they want to hear2. Public or private?3. Behaviour/doing and/or person/being4. Specific and general5. Make & keep good contact6. Take your time7. Personalise8. Thinking and feeling9. Verbal and non-verbal10. Repeat

11. Make sure they have taken it in.

Self Esteem Torpedoes• Catastrophising - this is TERRIBLE• Overgeneralising – EVERYTHING will be

terrible• Fortune telling – everything will ALWAYS be

terrible• Filtering - nothing good happened• Jumping to conclusions – don’t bother me

with the facts please• Hanging on to a belief

- Yes but… if only- If I fail I am bad

• Name calling – he’s stupid• Personalising – she meant ME

School of Emotional Literacy

4/1 Primary One, Davie Street

Edinburgh

EH8 9EB

Tel: 01453 549010

Fax: 01453 549008

www.schoolofemotional-literacy.com

info@schoolofemotional-literacy.com