Transforming Agrression Into Compassion

7/29/2019 Transforming Agrression Into Compassion

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An Aggressive SocietyThese days, our senses are bombarded with aggression. Weare constantly confronted with global images of unending,escalating war and violence. In our personal lives, weencounter angry people cursing into cell phones, watch TV talkshows where guests and audiences intimidate each otherverbally and sometimes physically, or attend public meetingsthat disintegrate into shouting matches. Parents scream fromthe sidelines of their children's sports events: "Get aggressive!"Employees are rewarded for aggressive timelines and plans.Dictionaries define aggressive action as hostile, but alsopositively as assertive, bold, and enterprising.

Aggression destroys relationships. People believe that in orderto survive, they must combat the opposition. Fear and angerdestroy hope for healthy communities, workgroups, families,and organizations. Relationships fracture, distrust increases,people retreat into self-defence and isolation, paranoiabecomes commonplace.

Buddhismoffers a very different way to view anger that isimmediate, grounded in the moment and not dependent oflengthy analysis.


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Organizations today suffer from a severe disability when itcomes to solving problems. In virtually every organization,regardless of mission and function, people are frustrated byproblems that seem unsolvable. Attempts to resolve a problemoften result in unintended consequences that dwarf the original.Relationships worsen as people harden into opposingpositions, each side insisting on its own solution, unwilling toconsider alternatives. Too many problem-solving sessionsbecome battlegrounds where decisions are made based onpower rather than intelligence.

Aggression in OrganizationsOrganizational aggression is on the rise, mirroring the societal

trend. Competition has become increasingly ruthless, withstrategies that aim to destroy competitors and achieve totalmarket domination rather than strategies of coexistence withinwell-defined niches. In many organizations, aggression is anearly invisible medium that influences decisions and actions.It's evident in the consistent use of war and sports metaphors.

Increasing aggression is having a profound impact onorganizational relationships. Distrust is on the rise, so much sothat in one survey, managers reported that the primary reason

they attend meetings is because they don't trust what their


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colleagues will do in their absence. More employees areretreating into self-protective stances, hoarding resources andinformation for fear of losing further control of their work. Andworker stress levels are at an all-time high. In Canada, one-third of lost work days are from emotional and psychologicalcauses. Similar statistics prevail in England and the UnitedStates.

Until we find alternative means to work together without somuch aggression, we will continue to experience increasinganger, frustration, impasse, and exhaustion.

Five Stages to transforming anger into compassionThe five-stage process described here originated from anancient teaching in Tibet. I have brought it forward, modified it,and expanded it based on our experience of working in manylarge, complex organizations and communities facingintractable problems. This process allows individuals and

groups to disengage from aggressive dynamics yet use thepassion and energy of all involved to develop greater clarityand insight into truly creative solutions.

For a group to develop a full understanding of a complexproblem and know what to do to resolve it, we suggestfollowing five precise activities in sequence:

1. Cooling, Quieting2. Enriching Through Fruitful Opposition3. Magnetizing Resources4. Precise Destroying5. Intelligent Action

These five stages form a cycle they work developmentally, onestage creating the conditions for the next. This sequence cansometimes be gone through very quickly, or a group might

spend a great deal of time in one stage and move rapidly


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through the next. Each stage has a form associated with it, ashape that provides the appropriate structure for the work athand. Also, different core behaviours facilitate the inquiry foreach stage.

Stage One: Cooling, Quieting

Imagine most recent experience in a conflicted situation. Mostlikely, people were arguing their position, not listening, raisingtheir voices, acting out, doing power plays--in essence, actingaggressively. Nothing positive ever results from this escalatingconflict, yet participants are stuck in the drama. Now imagine

what might have been possible if someone had intervened witha process to lessen the drama, to cool down the situation. Thisfirst stage does just that, by using an ancient, pacifying form,the circle.

The circle is the shape that cools, quiets, pacifies (makespeaceful). It is the form of equility, the most common andenduring form of human meeting. Circles have been found fromabout 500,000 years ago as early human ancestors sat aroundfires, trying to get warm. The equality of the circle was


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important even then. Had they sat in a rectangle or any otherform, some of them would have frozen!

The process is quite straightforward. Start with a question that

focuses on people's personal experience with the issue. Why isthis issue important to you? How does this issue affect yourwork or life? What's been your experience in trying to resolvethis dilemma?

You ask the question and then go around the circle invitingeveryone to speak, in turn, and within a limited time period.People who choose not to speak may pass and contribute later

if they like. As each person speaks, everyone else is silent,listening as best they can. People may ask questions if theydon't understand something being said, but this is not the timefor exchanges or debates. The task is to have each voiceheard, for each person to make a contribution to the circle. Thisprocess of listening has many benefits.

The first is that as people feel listened to they become betterlisteners. Listening is a reciprocal process--we become moreattentive to others if they have attended to us. We are oftensurprised when people truly listen to us. Their unexpectedacceptance encourages us to listen better.

The second benefit is that listening brings people together. Youcan see this happening physically in a circle. As people quietdown and get more engaged, they lean in. The circle becomestighter. The room gets quieter, the volume decreases

substantially, yet the intensity of listening is palpable.

The purpose of first quieting, calming, and pacifying is todevelop a richer appreciation of the complexity of the problem,using a process that begins to bring people together. Everyperson has a somewhat different perspective, by virtue ofindividual differences, and also because we each live in adifferent part of the organization or community. The world

doesn't look exactly the same to any two people, and the circle


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provides the form to gather many different perspectives withoutmuch judgment or defensiveness.

Stage Two: Enriching, Fruitful Opposition

After, the initial process ofcooling and quieting, it's essential to return to the source of theconflict, which is people's different perspectives and positions.To understand a problem in its complexity, we have to learn

much more about it. We achieve this understanding by givingeach person or position ample opportunity to explain theirreasoning in depth. What's required here is toamplify thedifferences as the means to create a fuller, detailedappreciation of the situation or problem. We are seeking toenrich our understanding from the realization that no oneperson or position has a sufficient picture of what's going on.

Each side is responsible for developing its position in depth.This is not the time for sloganeering or campaigning. The task


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is to go deeply into the rationale and logic of each position. It isimportant to keep the exploration of each side distinct--we arenot seeking compromise, blending of views, consensus, ornegotiation. Each position has its own logic, and the goal is todevelop the unique integrity of each side. Respect and clearthinking are the core behaviours of this stage. We listenattentively, even to those with whom we profoundly disagree.Such respect is easier now that people have sat in a circletogether and developed more rapport and patience. Respectalso means that we're open to the possibility that we'll hearsomething useful from our opponents. We are willing toacknowledge that others have insight and wisdom that are

useful to the group.

At the end of this stage of differentiation and taking sides, you'llnotice that people begin to move out of the square or audienceform and begin to cluster in messier ways because they want totalk with each other. One paradoxical consequence of exploringdifferences is that groups emerge at the other end feelingsomewhat unified. The boundaries of the different positions

have lost their hardness, and people begin to talk together asone cohesive group, wanting to resolve the problem together.This feeling of cohesiveness is an essential prerequisite forStage Three, when it will be an important means to attractneeded resources.

Stage Three: Magnetizing Resources


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In magnetism, only opposites attract. Two magnets will repeleach other if the same poles arebrought together. Yet when opposing magnetic poles arebrought near each other, they snap together in a strongembrace. The same principle of attraction and rejection isrelevant to this stage of problem solving.

After progressing through the stages of cooling and enriching, itis common for people to feel good about working together as agroup, to be humbled by the complexity of the issue, and to beenergized to move forward in finding a solution. It's a complexarray of predictable emotions. People will be both tire and

motivated, confused and confident. However, it's also commonfor people at this stage to want to launch into action planning.Taking action relieves us of the oppressive feelings ofconfusion and overload. We are eager to do anything ratherthan linger longer in these uncomfortable states.

However, if actions are determined at this stage, generally theywill be the wrong ones. We do not yet have a sufficient

understanding of the issue's complexity to know what actionswill be useful. If we rush into action prematurely, we run the riskof setting in motion a long chain of unintended consequences.Stage Three takes us deeper into the issue, preventing us fromleaping prematurely onto the stage of action.

The form that characterizes the work of Stage Three is a halfcircle, a very inviting yet humbling symbol. It indicates thathowever far we've come in our understanding of theproblem, we're only halfway there. Our comprehension ofwhat's going on is still incomplete, and we need moreperspectives and information to comple circle of understanding.


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Stage Four: Precise Destroying

Although we live in an aggressive culture, people often recoilfrom the word destroying. Yet if we look honestly at what'sgoing on in organizations, destroying is the most commonresponse to problems. And it's the first response, rather thanbeing the last action after careful consideration of the situation.Too many organizations use weapons of mass destructionrather than smart bombs. These WMDs include sweepingbudget cuts, where everything is reduced, rather than intelligentdecisions to cut back in specific area organizational massivelayoffs. We don't seem to know how to act with precision;instead we routinely resort to carpet bombing.

Destroying is a necessary function in life. Everything has itsseason, and all things eventually lose their effectiveness anddie. We do as much harm holding on to programs and peoplebeyond their natural life span as we do when we employmassive organizational air strikes. However, destroying comesat the end of the life cycle, not as a first response. Hence it isStage Four here, coming after deep, thoughtful analysis by a

group that is thinking well together. At this stage, precision


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destroying is necessary to create more capacity for the workgoing forward. We can see now what precise elements of thesituation are impeding movement forward, what specific thingsneed to be let go of as they are no longer necessary orappropriate for the work we must do.

The form for Precision Destroying is the triangle. A triangle is avery stable structure, sitting on a broad base that supports itsapex. The group can sit as a triangle, leaving the apex areaopen, with a flip chart or small white board occupying thatnarrow point. Or people can draw a triangle and focus on theapex area. The core skills of this stage are discipline and

discernment. We are restricted by the triangle to nominate onlya small number of things to be destroyed in that narrow apex.We apply laser like discernment to a very complex situation.

Precision destroying is naturally compassionate. We no longeract from self-defence, striking out at what we think harms us.We're clear about which things impede solutions, which smallelements hold us back or burden us with the past. When we

determine what to destroy, we do so from a profoundappreciation of the problem. We do not act from fear or anger,but from clarity and compassion.

Stage Five: Intelligent Action


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This last stage is the harvest for working through the first four.We are now a cohesive, smart group of people who havedeveloped genuine perspective and depth about the problemunder consideration. We have become good systems thinkersbecause we've included so many diverse and contrasting viewsand information in our analysis. We can't help but appreciatethe dense interconnections and multiple dynamics at play inthis situation. We've also developed very useful skills in workingwell together. We've become better listeners, become moreopen and curious developed new thinking and analytic skills.We've also learned to work with people we oncemisunderstood, ignored, or feared. We've become a more

intelligent, diverse, inclusive, and confident team, ready to go towork. The core behaviours of this stage are commitment andteamwork. We don't have to create them or go off to be trained;they are the result of all the work we've done to get this far. Theform for this stage is the existing organization. Now is the timeto use the processes that people are familiar with: actionplanning, strategy setting, project planning, budgeting andmeasurement. These processes have an important role to play.

What's been missing from them in the past is good thinkingabout how best to apply them. Bored or exhausted, peoplehave used them in rote fashion without insight or intelligence.Or they have been forced to use them in all situations, eventhose that make no sense. However, now these well-worn andtired processes can be infused with the light of clear thinkingand the energy of strong commitment. Newly developedinsights can be used to determine which actions, measures,

and strategies make the most sense. Empowerment will occurnaturally, as people proceed to change and discard existingprocesses and methods that are dysfunctional or nonsensical.


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Prepare for Change

It's important to note that leaders need to be prepared for bigchange. Once any group has developed this level of insight andrapport, its members cannot be pushed back into small boxesor compliant behaviour. With their intelligence awakened,people want to contribute, want to change things, want to makethings happen. They will work with existing structures andprocesses, but they will be altering and adapting them asneeded, almost without noticing. Too often, leaders fear a lossof control and attempt to rein in such groups. Their own fearpushes them back into aggressive patterns of command andcontrol. However, the smart leader understands the level ofaccomplishment attained by this group and the depth ofunderstanding now available. It is time to celebrate the fact that


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so much commitment and intelligence are now in active use inthe organization.

When we can lay down our fear and anger and choose

responses other than aggression, we create the conditions forbringing out the best in us humans. Without aggression, itbecomes possible to think well, to be curious about differences,and to enjoy each other's company. Our energy finds newchannels in creativity rather than defence. We learn that it ispossible to feel passionate about a position without having toresist or outmanoeuvre those with differing passions.

As we strive to make our organizations and communities workdecently in these difficult times, if we are to find true solutionsto the problems that afflict us, it is essential that we understandthe price we pay for our aggressive methods. If we are to worktogether more intelligently, we will need to choose processesthat evoke our curiosity, humility, generosity, and wisdom. Theultimate benefit is that we learn that it is good, once again, towork together.

Transforming Agrression Into Compassion

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