FROM C.O.N.T.R.O.L TALKFROM C.O.N.T.R.O.L TALKLecture 17aLecture 17a

TO D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALKTO D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK

THREE TYPES OF TALK AND PROBLEM-THREE TYPES OF TALK AND PROBLEM-SOLVING IN RELATIONSHIPSSOLVING IN RELATIONSHIPS

CONNECT TALK

(SMALL TALK)

C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK BEING RIGHT

ASSUME/JUDGE

LIGHT - HEAVY

D.I.A.LO.G.U.E. TALK SOLVE PROBLEM

LEARN/ ACCEPT

PROBLEMPROBLEM

CHOICECHOICE- MINDFULNESS- MINDFULNESS- FLEXIBILITY- FLEXIBILITY- META-TALK- META-TALK

D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK REQUIRES A D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK REQUIRES A SHIFTSHIFT

• FROM TRYING TO CONTROL FROM TRYING TO CONTROL OTHEROTHER

• TO MANAGING YOURSELFTO MANAGING YOURSELF

MANAGING YOURSELFMANAGING YOURSELF

• IS ABOUT THE IS ABOUT THE U.E.U.E. OF D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. OF D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.

• UUnderstanding Firstnderstanding First - - suspend judgmentsuspend judgment

• EEmotional Self-Managementmotional Self-Management - hot to - hot to cool feelingscool feelings

• CHANGE “HOT” TO “COOL” FEELINGSCHANGE “HOT” TO “COOL” FEELINGS• COOL YOURSELF DOWNCOOL YOURSELF DOWN

– HEART OVER 100 BEATS A MINUTE - STARTS HEART OVER 100 BEATS A MINUTE - STARTS BIOCHEMISTRY OF BIOCHEMISTRY OF EMOTIONALEMOTIONAL HI-JACK HI-JACK (Goleman) or (Goleman) or EMOTIONAL EMOTIONAL FLOODINGFLOODING (Gottman) (Gottman)

– BREATHE FROM THE DIAGPHRAM - “THE BELLY”BREATHE FROM THE DIAGPHRAM - “THE BELLY”– RELAX MUSCLES RELAX MUSCLES

• CHANGE YOUR EGO STATE - FROM ANGRY PARTENT OR CHANGE YOUR EGO STATE - FROM ANGRY PARTENT OR CHILD TO ADULTCHILD TO ADULT

• CHANGE YOUR VOICECHANGE YOUR VOICE

EMOTIONAL SELF-MANAGEMENTEMOTIONAL SELF-MANAGEMENT

NOT THISNOT THIS - - CRITICAL/ANGRY PARENTCRITICAL/ANGRY PARENT

Words UsedWords Used Voice ToneVoice Tone Non-VerbalsNon-Verbals• That’s bad Judgmental Points or wags finger • Admonishing Frowns, squints• You should Critical Feet apart, hands on hips• You ought Condescending Slaps, spanks• You never Loud Serious looking• Be quit, good Disgusted, sneering Arms crossed, closed posture• Don’t you Scheming Foot tapping• Ridiculous Comparing Looks up in disgust• You must Demanding Pounds Table

• Falikowski in Readings

THE “VOICE” OF SELF-MANAGEMENTTHE “VOICE” OF SELF-MANAGEMENT

NOT THISNOT THIS - - Adapted/Angry ChildAdapted/Angry Child Words UsedWords Used Voice Tone Voice Tone Non-Verbals Non-Verbals• I’m wrong I’m wrong Placating, Sweet Placating, Sweet Looks innocent Looks innocent

• Defiant, rebellious words Angry, Defiant Defiant, rebellious words Angry, Defiant Fights aggressivelyFights aggressively• No, Make me, I won’t No, Make me, I won’t Chip on shoulderChip on shoulder

• I don’t care I don’t care Soft Soft Withdraws timidly Withdraws timidly

• Total silence Withdraws angrilyTotal silence Withdraws angrily

• You’ll be sorry You’ll be sorry Accusatory Looks HurtAccusatory Looks Hurt

• It’s Your fault It’s Your fault

THE “VOICE” OF SELF-MANAGEMENTTHE “VOICE” OF SELF-MANAGEMENT

THIS Voice - THE ADULTTHIS Voice - THE ADULT Words UsedWords Used Voice ToneVoice Tone Non-VerbalsNon-Verbals• Asks questions:Asks questions:• HowHow ModulatedModulated RelaxedRelaxed• WhatWhat AppropriateAppropriate ThoughtfulThoughtful• WhereWhere• WhoWho Controlled, calmControlled, calm Looks up (as if in search ofLooks up (as if in search of• Straight answers) Straight answers) • It seems to meIt seems to me Confident Confident Brow wrinkles when thinkingBrow wrinkles when thinking• Uses “I-messages”:Uses “I-messages”: CorrespondsCorresponds Attentive, engagedAttentive, engaged

– I see, hear, understandI see, hear, understand to feelingsto feelings– I feelI feel

• I wonderI wonder• Let’s see what we findLet’s see what we find

THE ADULT EGO STATE: THE “VOICE” OF THE ADULT EGO STATE: THE “VOICE” OF SELF-MANAGEMENTSELF-MANAGEMENT

WHICH VOICE IS THAT?WHICH VOICE IS THAT?

WHICH VOICE IS THAT?WHICH VOICE IS THAT?

ASSUMPTIONS ASSUMPTIONS OF D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. TALK OF D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. TALK

• Solve problem not save Solve problem not save face - I face - I manage myselfmanage myself not not otherother

• We bothWe both have to change have to change• My story is My story is my storymy story - -

obvious only to meobvious only to me• You have You have your story - your story -

obvious only to youobvious only to you• I have I have allall the data only the data only

when when I listenI listen to your story to your story• I clarify I clarify mmy meaning onlyy meaning only• How did How did we we contributecontribute to to

this situation?this situation?

D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E STYLE ELEMENTSSTYLE ELEMENTS

• DDescriptive language to escriptive language to explain situationexplain situation

• II--messagesmessages to tell my storyto tell my story• AAsksk questions to get questions to get theirtheir

storystory• LListen Actively to get isten Actively to get theirtheir

meaningmeaning• OOpenpen AcknowledgemenAcknowledgementt of of

their story, their situation, their story, their situation, humanityhumanity

• GGenuineenuine SupportSupport for them & for them & efforts to resolveefforts to resolve

Lecture 17bLecture 17b

D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALKD.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK

DESCRIBE DESCRIBE

• DDescriptive language to explain escriptive language to explain situationsituation

• Non-judgmentalNon-judgmental• Assume as little as possibleAssume as little as possible• Present “data” - facts as you see themPresent “data” - facts as you see them

Description Or JudgmentDescription Or Judgment• Saying simply “what is” - isn’t easySaying simply “what is” - isn’t easy• 1. John was mad at me yesterday for no 1. John was mad at me yesterday for no reason.reason.• 2. Yesterday night George finished the 2. Yesterday night George finished the clean clean

up of the shop.up of the shop.• 3. Sam didn't ask for my opinion during the 3. Sam didn't ask for my opinion during the

meeting.meeting.• 4. My supervisor complains when I talk with 4. My supervisor complains when I talk with

him. him. • 5. Henry is aggressive.5. Henry is aggressive.

1.1. ACKNOWLEDGE THE OTHER’S __________________.ACKNOWLEDGE THE OTHER’S __________________.

2.2. DESCRIBE THE_________________ YOU’VE OBSERVED.DESCRIBE THE_________________ YOU’VE OBSERVED.

3.3. SAY HOW YOU ______________ ABOUT IT.SAY HOW YOU ______________ ABOUT IT.

4.4. SAY WHAT YOU ___________________________.SAY WHAT YOU ___________________________.

CONCERNSCONCERNS

BEHAVIOURBEHAVIOUR

FEELFEEL

WANT TO HAPPENWANT TO HAPPEN

I-MESSAGES IN A DIFFICULT I-MESSAGES IN A DIFFICULT SITUATIONSITUATION

Lecture 17cLecture 17c

D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALKD.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK

I-MESSAGES IN A DIFFICULT I-MESSAGES IN A DIFFICULT SITUATIONSITUATION

I-MESSAGES IN A DIFFICULT I-MESSAGES IN A DIFFICULT SITUATIONSITUATION

OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONSOPEN-ENDED QUESTIONSTO OPEN UP CONVERSATION:

4W2H QUESTIONS

THEN CLOSED-ENDED QUESTIONS:THEN CLOSED-ENDED QUESTIONS:PROBE FOR SPECIFIC FACTS AND PROBE FOR SPECIFIC FACTS AND

DETAILSDETAILS

WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, HOW, HOW MUCHBUT NOT “WHY”BUT NOT “WHY”

1. 1. PROBING - NON-EVALUATIVE REQUEST FOR PROBING - NON-EVALUATIVE REQUEST FOR MORE INFO - TO DRAW OUTMORE INFO - TO DRAW OUT

2.2. TRY TO CAST QUESTIONS INTO THE POSITIVE TRY TO CAST QUESTIONS INTO THE POSITIVE VOICE RATHER THAN A NEGATIVE ONE.VOICE RATHER THAN A NEGATIVE ONE.

"WHY CAN'T "WHY CAN'T WE SOLVEWE SOLVE THIS?" AND "HOW CAN WE THIS?" AND "HOW CAN WE SOLVE THIS?"SOLVE THIS?"3.3. IF YOU HAVE TO ASK A NUMBER OF IF YOU HAVE TO ASK A NUMBER OF

QUESTIONS, GIVE YOUR REASONS FOR QUESTIONS, GIVE YOUR REASONS FOR ASKING . ASKING . "I'M NOT SURE I'M CLEAR ON THE WHOLE "I'M NOT SURE I'M CLEAR ON THE WHOLE

SITUATION, COULD YOU TELL ME MORE?"SITUATION, COULD YOU TELL ME MORE?"

TWO ELEMENTS OF LISTENING TWO ELEMENTS OF LISTENING ACTIVELYACTIVELY

1.1. UNIDIVIDED UNIDIVIDED ATTENTIONATTENTION

2.2. UNDERSTANDING UNDERSTANDING FEEDBACKFEEDBACK

UNDIVIDED ATTENTIONUNDIVIDED ATTENTION

1. USE YOUR ______________ AND YOUR ______________ TO SHOW USE YOUR ______________ AND YOUR ______________ TO SHOW READINESS.READINESS.

2.2. USE ___________________ SIGNALS TO SHOW YOU’RE USE ___________________ SIGNALS TO SHOW YOU’RE INVOLVED.INVOLVED.

3.3. BE ______________ ABOUT LISTENING.BE ______________ ABOUT LISTENING.4.4. JUDGE THE ______________ NOT THE SPEAKER’S STYLE.JUDGE THE ______________ NOT THE SPEAKER’S STYLE.

EYESEYES BODYBODY

PARAVERBALPARAVERBALSSPOSITIVPOSITIVEE CONTENCONTEN

TT

Understanding FeedbackUnderstanding FeedbackPARAPHRASE BACK TO THE SPEAKER HOW PARAPHRASE BACK TO THE SPEAKER HOW YOU THINK OR FEEL ABOUT THE SUBJECT IN YOU THINK OR FEEL ABOUT THE SUBJECT IN ORDER TO LET THEM KNOW YOU’VE REALLY ORDER TO LET THEM KNOW YOU’VE REALLY LISTENED. USEFUL OPENING PHRASES LISTENED. USEFUL OPENING PHRASES INCLUDEINCLUDE::_____________________ ______________________________________________________ _________________________________

II HEARD YOU HEARD YOU SAY SAY

SOUNDS TO ME SOUNDS TO ME LIKE LIKE

• IS ABOUT THEM NOT YOUIS ABOUT THEM NOT YOU• Be a receptive listener Be a receptive listener • DON’T TELL THEM WHAT THEY DON’T TELL THEM WHAT THEY

SHOULD BE THINKING - ASK SHOULD BE THINKING - ASK QUESTIONSQUESTIONS

DON’T TELL THEM WHAT THEY SHOULD BE DON’T TELL THEM WHAT THEY SHOULD BE THINKING: ASK QUESTIONSTHINKING: ASK QUESTIONS

• IS ABOUT THEM NOT YOUIS ABOUT THEM NOT YOU• DON’T TELL THEM WHAT THEY SHOULD DON’T TELL THEM WHAT THEY SHOULD

BE THINKING - ASK QUESTIONSBE THINKING - ASK QUESTIONS• DON’T TELL YOUR STORYDON’T TELL YOUR STORY

DON’T TELL YOUR STORYDON’T TELL YOUR STORY

• DON’TDON’T TELL THEM WHAT THEY TELL THEM WHAT THEY SHOULD BE THINKINGSHOULD BE THINKING

• DON’TDON’T TELL YOUR STORY TELL YOUR STORY• DON’TDON’T GIVE YOUR OPINION OR ADVICE GIVE YOUR OPINION OR ADVICE

UNTIL THEY ASKUNTIL THEY ASK• DON’TDON’T DEBATE. LET THEM CORRECT DEBATE. LET THEM CORRECT

YOUR REFLECTION IF THEY NEED TO TO. YOUR REFLECTION IF THEY NEED TO TO.

THE FOUR “DON’TS”THE FOUR “DON’TS”

• SITUATIONALSITUATIONAL• ““THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE”THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE”• PERSONALPERSONAL• ““I WAS UPSET”I WAS UPSET”• ““YOU SEEM REALLY UPSET”YOU SEEM REALLY UPSET”• DISARMINGDISARMING• ““I’M NO EXPERT, BUT…’”I’M NO EXPERT, BUT…’”• HYPOTHETICALHYPOTHETICAL• ““IF I’D BEEN IN YOUR SITUATION, I WOULD HAVE TOO….”IF I’D BEEN IN YOUR SITUATION, I WOULD HAVE TOO….”

OPEN ACKNOWLEDGEMENTOPEN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

GENUINE SUPPORTGENUINE SUPPORT

• AFFIRM THE OTHER’S RIGHT TO AFFIRM THE OTHER’S RIGHT TO DISAGREEDISAGREE

• POSITIVE FEEBACKPOSITIVE FEEBACK– CONSCIOUS AWARENESSCONSCIOUS AWARENESS– CLEAR DESCRIPTIONCLEAR DESCRIPTION– POSITIVE EMOTIONAL EXPRESSIONPOSITIVE EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION

GENUINE SUPPORTGENUINE SUPPORT

• POSITIVE, TIMELY, SPECIFIC POSITIVE, TIMELY, SPECIFIC FEEDBACK - FEEDBACK - COMPLIMENT COMPLIMENT

• FEEDBACK FOR IMPROVEMENTFEEDBACK FOR IMPROVEMENT• I-MESSAGES, ASK QUESTIONS, I-MESSAGES, ASK QUESTIONS,

ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS, ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS, LISTEN ACTIVELYLISTEN ACTIVELY

• OFFER SUGGESTIONSOFFER SUGGESTIONS