To Catch a Cat Adoption
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Transcript of To Catch a Cat Adoption
TO CATCH A CAT ADOPTION
Jarred Hodgdon
INT. SUBURBAN LIVING ROOM
Peppy young woman, BRITT, sits on the couch, petting a
feline. DING DONG -- the doorbell.
Britt walks into the other room... returns without the cat,
opens the door. Behind the door stands, JOHN, a schlubby
man.
BRITT
Oh my god, hi! John right? C’mon
in.
JOHN
Hi. Uh, are your parents home?
BRITT
No way! Get in here.
JOHN
Um. Okay.
John shuffles in. Britt indicates to the brown bag in his
hand.
BRITT
Is that the stuff?!
John pulls a ziplock baggy out with some green in it.
JOHN
Tee-he... Yup. Catnip.
BRITT
Yeeeaa. My little kitties gonna
love that.
Britt maneuvers John to the couch.
BRITT (CONT’D)
Sit down. I have to go change- do
you mind? Sheesh! I have so much
hair all over my sweater.
JOHN
That’s okay...I’m not allergic.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.
BRITT
Don’t worry, I’ll be right back!
Britt skips out of the room. John nervously rubs his knees.
BRITT (CONT’D)(O.S.)
There’s some kombucha there on the
table. Help yourself.
JOHN
Mmmmmmm. No thank you.
The suited, EMORY BUCKFELT enters to John’s surprise.
EMORY
No kombucha John? I fermented it
myself y’know and it’s actually
quite sweet.
JOHN
N-n-no! I mean. I’m not thirsty.
EMORY
Than what are you, John? Why did
you come here today, John?
JOHN
T-to adopt a kitty cat!
Emory pulls out index cards to refer to.
EMORY
Whispers the cat. Is that right?
JOHN
Yes, Whispers.
Britt re-enters, cradling Whispers.
BRITT
And heeeere’s the little cutie pie.
JOHN
That’s right! Now tell your father
tha--
EMORY
--Oh I’m not her father--Now tell
me, John. How did you meet Britt?
JOHN
Craigslist. The kitty section-er,
pet adoptions!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
EMORY
John do you have any idea how old
she is?
JOHN
No, I didn’t ask. But you look,
(re: Britt)
19...18 at least!
EMORY
Not Britt, John...I’m referring to
Whispers.
JOHN
Oh. 4 weeks I --
EMORY
--Just. A. Kitty... I have here
your internet web chat-log
downloads, John, where you say,
quote "I like them young". Close
quote.
JOHN
Kitties. I prefer kittens to the
adult, more grown up cats.
EMORY
What’s your handle, John?
JOHN
Huh?
BRITT
Your moniker.
JOHN
What.
EMORY
Your web identity--er, user name.
JOHN
The letter J underscore get paid
everyday at Comcast dot net. Why?
BRITT
Verification purposes.
EMORY
Do you recall what you and Britt
discussed throughout your
Craigslist e-mail chat discussions,
John?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
JOHN
Cats...There was mostly talk of
cats.
EMORY
(reading)
"I prefer a hairy one, y’know. As
opposed to hairless. The hairier
the better. For me."
JOHN
Yeah, I said that. My last cat was
a Maine Coon.
BRITT
I prefer to say American Longhair.
JOHN
Oops. Sorry.
EMORY
And do you recall saying, "Has she
had her shots?...y’know
vaccinations ... because I’d be
happy to take care of that."
JOHN
Well, yeah.
BRITT
That was sweet.
EMORY
And did you and Britt talk about
anything else John?
JOHN
No!
BRITT
We talked about iCarly.
JOHN
It’s a good show! --and you brought
that up.
BRITT
Yeah, I can’t shut up about it.
EMORY
I’ll have to check that out.
A CAMERAMAN enters, swooping in on John.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
EMORY (CONT’D)
I need to tell you now John, I am
Emory Buckfelt From Animal Planet--
JOHN
--I didn’t do anything wrong!
EMORY
Have you seen our show John?
JOHN
No! I don’t get that channel!
EMORY
You should contact your local cable
provider--but for now--
JOHN
--Am I in trouble here?!
Britt thrusts Whispers into his arms.
EMORY
Britt was a decoy to make sure
you’d be a responsible
owner...we’re just documenting the
process of ideal pet adoptions
here, John.
BRITT
You’re perfect for Whispers.
EMORY
You’re free to leave now, John.
John slowly backs away towards the door.
EMORY (CONT’D)
We got 3 more of these, John. Bye
now.
The door flies open-- PRODUCTION ASSISTANT bolts in with cat
carrier and bag of litter.
John reflexively drops to his knees in fear, clutching
Whispers.
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
Hey! Don’t forget yer complimentary
appearance prizes!
BLACKOUT.
