adapted from Student Workshop: Learning Relationship Skills © 1999 Sunburst Communications, Inc. Sunburst gives permission to reproduce this handout

Tips on Being Assertive When Making or

Refusing a Request

When making a request

Choose a time when the other person isn’t distracted or busy.

Face the other person and look him/her in the eyes.

State your position calmly, clearly, firmly and respectfully. Avoid excuses.

Be able to accept a refusal.

When refusing a request.

Say no, clearly and firmly.

Repeat your position if necessary. It’s not necessary to make excuses or

apologize.

Go on the offensive if necessary, but never be rude.

o Example:

“I told you how I feel. You seem to be ignoring what I’m saying.”

“I gave you my answer. Why are you still asking?”

Use “I” Messages.

o “I think…” “I feel…” “I want…”

Walk away or change the subject instead of getting stuck in pointless

arguments.

adapted from Student Workshop: Learning Relationship Skills © 1999 Sunburst Communications, Inc. Sunburst gives permission to reproduce this handout

Passive vs. Assertiveness vs. Aggressiveness

You are being assertive when you take steps to fulfill your legitimate rights, needs, and

wishes, without interfering with the rights of others.

You are being aggressive when you take steps to meet your own needs and wishes by

overpowering others, without considering their legitimate rights.

You are being passive when you fail to fulfill your legitimate rights, needs, or wishes.

Read the following situations. In the space preceding each one, write “assertive” if the behavior described is

assertive, “aggressive” if the behavior described is aggressive, and “passive” if the behavior described is

passive.

_______________ 1. Jack walks into the living room, where his sister Becky is watching MTV. He

takes the remote, changes the channel, and says, “ I just have to watch this game.”

_______________ 2. Becky stands up and says, “I was here first. Please change it back now.”

_______________ 3. Tyran and Marcus want to go to the movies. No matter what Marcus suggests, Ryan

insists his choice is best. Ryan wants to see a horror movie. Marcus hates horror

movies, but agrees to go to avoid a fight.

_______________ 4. Tamara says to Rena, “I was wondering whether- if you have it- maybe you could pay

me back the $20 you borrowed from me and promised to pay back by last week?”

_______________ 5. Elijah texts his friends Jake, Tyler and Ben and asks them to go skate boarding.

Everyone is in except Tyler. He answers, “No thanks. I’m watching a movie I’d like to

finish.”

adapted from Student Workshop: Learning Relationship Skills © 1999 Sunburst Communications, Inc. Sunburst gives permission to reproduce this handout

_______________ 6. In school, Reggie tells Jerome that he doesn’t want to play ball with him after school.

After school, Jerome meets Reggie at his locker, and says, “Come on, you wimp! Let’s

go hoop. Afraid I’m going to kick your you-know-what?” Reggie answers, “I don’t

know- it looks like it might rain.”

_______________ 7. As he walks by, Carlos takes a look at the math homework his younger brother is doing

and says, “You’re doing that wrong. Let me show you how.”

_______________ 8. At dinner one evening, Thai says to his parents, “Next week is my birthday, and I

thought it might be good time to ask for a raise in my allowance.”

_______________ 9. Jayden lost his i-pod, but hasn’t saved enough money to replace it yet. He asks Isaac if

he can borrow his for the weekend, but Isaac says, “No, I’m planning on using it.”

Jayden says, “Come on, Isaac. You want me to tell everyone how selfish you are?”

_______________ 10. Alyssa didn’t do well on the last science test, so it’s important to her that she do well on

tomorrow’s exam. But this afternoon her friends want to go to the mall, and are

trying to persuade Alyssa to join them. Finally, Alyssa says, “Hey, I told you I’m

going to stay home and study. Enough, okay?”

adapted from Student Workshop: Learning Relationship Skills © 1999 Sunburst Communications, Inc. Sunburst gives permission to reproduce this handout

Each of the following situations describes either aggressive or passive behavior. In small groups, create a skit in

which the aggressive or passive behavior is changed to assertive behavior. Each group will be asked to act out

the scenario using the knowledge you’ve learned about assertive behavior.

Examples:

Ivy had spent the night watching the week’s shows she had on her DVR, rather than finishing her Spanish homework.

She asks Janie the next morning if she can quick copy her homework before her 2nd hour Spanish class. Janie says, “I

don’t know. I probably made some mistakes on it. Anyway, I am sort of in a hurry.”

Assertive Response: Janie says, “I am sorry Janie, I don’t lend out my homework.”

Tim mows his neighbors’ lawns to earn extra spending money. This weekend he has five lawns to mow and would like

some help. He asks his friend, Chase, if he’d like to help him and he offers to split the money with him. Chase accepts.

At the end of the weekend, Tim says he only wants to give Leon one-third of the money they made because Tim was the

one who got the jobs in the first place. Chase says, “Not a chance. You need to give me half the money you owe me, or

you are going to regret it!”

Assertive Response: Chase says, “Wait a minute Tim. The deal was that we’d split the money in half, so please give me

the half I earned now.”

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1. On Monday, Nina invited Amanda to come over Saturday afternoon to hang out. On Friday, having forgotten

about her plans with Amanda, Nina makes the plan to go over to Oliva’s house on that same Saturday. Amanda

overhears that conversation. Before going home on Friday afternoon, Amanda says to Nina, “So I guess I won’t

be seeing you this weekend.”

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2. Peter borrowed Rich’s iTouch so he could download some of Rich’s music onto his own device. It has been four

days since he asked to borrow it, and Peter still hasn’t returned it and Rich wants it back. While waiting in the

lunch line, Rich asks, “Hey Peter, did I lend you my iTouch?”

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3. Steve is sleeping at Jalen’s house. After Jalen’s parents are in bed, Steve suggests they watch some movies that

Jalen’s parents have restricted him from watching. Jalen says, “I am afraid my parents will wake up and hear the

movies.” Steve says, “We will keep the volume down.” Jalen answers, “I don’t know—my mom’s a pretty light

sleeper.”

adapted from Student Workshop: Learning Relationship Skills © 1999 Sunburst Communications, Inc. Sunburst gives permission to reproduce this handout

4. When Ms. Lopez returns the class’s tests and goes over the answers, Vanna notices that one of her answers she

thinks is correct was actually marked wrong. She raises her hand and says, “How come you marked me wrong

when I got this answer right? You just have it out for me!”

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5. Ben has been struggling to understand the math unit his class has been working on for the last few weeks. A

unit test is planned for Friday. First thing Friday morning, Ben says to the teacher, “I was wondering whether

maybe I could take the test next week some time, ‘cause my baby sister’s been sick, and last night her crying

kept me up all night.”

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6. Xena is offered a free ticket to an all-ages concert at the Rave on Saturday night. When she tells her parents,

they remind her that she had agreed to babysit for her little sister that night so they could go to a movie. Xena

freaks out and says, “I never get to do anything I want! Well, tough! I am going to go anyway—I am sick of my

stupid sister!”

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7. Angelo is hanging out with his buddy, Mark, and they decide to shave a mohawk into Angelo’s hair since all of

his teammates are doing that for their upcoming basketball tournament. When Angelo arrives home for dinner,

his parents are horrified to see what he has done and they ground him for three weeks. Angelo yells, “You can’t

ground me for this! It is my hair!”

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adapted from Student Workshop: Learning Relationship Skills © 1999 Sunburst Communications, Inc. Sunburst gives permission to reproduce this handout

Communication Roadblocks are statements that get in the way of effective communication. In fact, once one of these

roadblocks occurs, other roadblocks tend to follow. Before you know it, communication has ended and new conflicts

have begun. Read the following list of Communication Roadblocks. What seems familiar to you? Can you make any

personal connections?

Insulting Saying something to purposely make the other

person feel bad.

“Is that the best you could think of? Such a stupid idea!”

Sarcasm Saying the opposite of what you really mean, in

order to achieve an insulting effect.

“Like I would really take her on a date- the ugliest girl in our school!”

Name-calling Addressing someone by an insulting name.

“I can’t believe you told your parents. You are such an idiot!”

Globalizing Making a complaint seem worse by exaggerating the

truth.

“You obviously don’t understand anything!” “You never say anything nice to me and you are always picking on me!”

Interrupting Cutting in before the other person has finished

speaking.

“I’m trying to tell you, I just meant…” “Don’t try to tell me what you meant!”

Mind-reading Behaving as if you know what the other person is

thinking.

“I thought you’d be happy if I told Tyra how you felt!”

Expected mind-reading Failing to express a wish or preference because you

expect the other person to already know it.

“Why would you buy me that iPhone case? You should know I don’t like the color pink!”

Blaming Focusing on whose fault something is, instead of

looking for a solution.

“This whole thing is all your fault. If you hadn’t told me to do this, none of this would have happened!”

Changing the Subject Failing to stay on the point of an argument or a

discussion.

“If you keep forgetting to pay me back, I am never going to lend you money again.” “Look, remember I am the one who gave you tickets to the Brewer game. Hey, did you see that pitcher get a no-hitter?”

adapted from Student Workshop: Learning Relationship Skills © 1999 Sunburst Communications, Inc. Sunburst gives permission to reproduce this handout

Each of the following examples illustrates a Communication Roadblock. In the space provided,

indicate the type of Roadblock illustrated within the example.

_____________________ 1. “Look, when I said that to him, I just wanted him to…”

“I don’t care what you wanted – when I say…”

_____________________ 2. “The only reason you did that is because you are such a

teacher’s pet!”

_____________________ 3. “Every single time I try to be nice to you, you do something to

ruin it! This is going to be your issue to deal with!”

_____________________ 4. “I would like to know what time I can expect you home.”

“Tonight’s going to be a really important night. Everyone

is going to be there. Hey, did you see I passed my test?”

_____________________ 5. “I figured you would want me to ask him out for you.”

_____________________ 6. “You never let me have any fun!”

_____________________ 7. “You think that just because you’re the oldest you get to make

all of the decisions? You’re a moron!”

_____________________ 8. “Well, that was really brilliant – losing your cool with the

coach…great idea…”

_____________________ 9. “You have got to be the worst clarinet player in the whole

band!”

_____________________ 10. “Why did you put me on the same team as Joey? You know

that I never want to be on his team!”