Tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Software without (so many) tears: How to have difficult...

tinyurl.com/diffconv1

twitter: #diffconv

Software without (so many) tears:

How to have difficult conversations about software

[email protected]


twitter: #diffconv


twitter: #diffconv

Just Imagine...


twitter: #diffconv

Difficult conversations are expensive (in money, lives).


twitter: #diffconv

Avoiding difficult conversations, not having the skills to have

difficult conversations can be even more expensive.


twitter: #diffconv

“Getting to Yes” What is your BATNA? Best

Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement?

Improve your BATNA

Side to side rather than face to face

Make the pie bigger.

Concentrate on interests rather than positions

20 Million copies sold


twitter: #diffconv


twitter: #diffconv

Difficult Conversations

Facts Feelings

Identity


twitter: #diffconv

Move from Message Delivery to Information Discovery


twitter: #diffconv

It isn't the way you say it – it's WHAT you say! You can sugar-

coat a hand grenade but that makes things hardly any better at all


twitter: #diffconv


Facts Feelings

Identity


twitter: #diffconv

We often get stuck in what appears to be a factual

conversation the “What happened” or “What should

happen” - “What went wrong?” “Who’s to blame?”

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

The “Facts” conversation is an easier place to hide than being

forced to investigate feelings and identity.

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

Assumption: We have perfect access to the motives of the

people we are talking to

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

Assumption: our motives are pure – we give ourselves the benefit of

the doubt

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

Blame results in justification and counter accusation. Suddenly the problem becomes how to justify

yourself and avoid blame, the real problems become obscured.

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

Blame versus Contribution: how did each party contribute to this

situation?

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

The “and” stance. Try to understand how both sides contributed to the problem

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

Facts Exercise

Think of a discussion in your experience that appeared to be about facts, but wasn’t. What

was it really about?

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv


Facts Feelings

Identity

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

Identity Issues

Appreciation: everybody, but everybody wants to feel appreciated (this includes your boss, your client).

Affiliation: we form gangs and cliques and teams automatically – what team are they on? Can they be on yours?

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

Identity Issues

• Autonomy: nobody likes being told what to do. Danger of learned helplessness.

• Status (vs Territory) all conversations are status conversations. Threats to status or territory can result in violent responses!

• Role - what do you see yourself as? What don’t you see yourself as? “It’s not my job to…”

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

What are the identity issues of the people you're talking to? What are

your identity issues? The better you understand both, the better the

conversation will go.

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

How can you complexify your identity using the ‘and stance’?

Example: I’m a clever hard working Java programmer, AND

there are a lot of things I don’t know AND I don’t always get

everything right.

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

Identity Exercise

Make a list of 5 people who you really admire

Make a list of 5 people who you really don't admire – write down one word of

explanation for each

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv


Facts Feelings

Identity


twitter: #diffconv

Assumption: We have direct control over our feelings

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

Assumption: We don’t talk about feelings when we talk about

business

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv


twitter: #diffconv

Feelings - The Science Bit

You're scared or angry before you even know why (it's possible you could never know why).

Amygdala -> Cortex lots of connections

Cortex -> Amygdala few connections

You can't tell yourself (or anybody else to calm down).

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

Feelings are triggered by past experiences and identity issues.

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

If you have a more complex understanding of what you hold important about your identity

(and you who actually are), this can give you better control over

your feelings.

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

Feelings - The Science Bit (continued)

When you're scared/angry, you're thinking like a lizard

“Scared people don’t learn”

Only real way to get over a fear is to put yourself in the scary/angering situation over and over again.

You might be able to affect yourself indirectly using the autonomic system (body language/voice tone). Relaxation techniques, connecting with your breath aren't necessarily new age hooey.

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

If you don't have your feelings, they will have you

People aren't that good at detecting lies about matters of fact

People are very good at detecting lies about emotional state

If you don't talk about what you're talking about you'll get nowhere – or somewhere worse!

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

If you don't have your feelings, they will have you

Back-handed comments and sarcasm are disastrous - don’t do it.

Expecting people to be “sensitive/psychic” is your problem.

Unexpressed feelings make it nearly impossible to listen.

Unexpressed feelings attack identity.

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

Show them – and let them hear that you're listening

Don't paraphrase

Parrot phrase

Use their exact words

Doesn't matter so much that you share their feelings, so long as you know show them that you know what they are.

Use William Goldman's technique, write it all down

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv


twitter: #diffconv

Feelings hide: attributions (of mental illness?), characterisations (he’s just a bastard) and problem solving (the real problem is that we have no detailed plan) are all ways to hide feelings.

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

The Bad NewsNo “Quick Fix” to dealing with difficult

conversations, exhortation won't do it.Can only learn how not to be angry/scared

by being in the situations that anger/scare you and responding to them differently.

“Muscle memory”

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

“Do you guys understand that when they jump you in an alley, it's too late

to train?”David Allen, author, Getting Things

Done

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

The Good News: Things can dramatically improve with practice

and preparation. Practice can be done in a safe environment where

nobody gets hurt.

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

“Fight in a box”

Why does nobody talk about board games and card games when they talk about how dangerous video games are?

Developed a card game that brings out all the issues in difficult conversations around software.

Developed exercises that explore identity issues and understanding.

Use this as part of a one-day training course - “Dealing with Difficult Conversations in Software”


twitter: #diffconv

Timing

Commodity

Money

Identity

Software

Suppliers

Hierarchy


twitter: #diffconv


twitter: #diffconv

Call Me

Mark Stringer 07736 807 604

[email protected]

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv

Just one more thing ma'm

Which difficult conversations are you avoiding?

How would you prepare yourself so you could have those difficult conversations?

How would you move from message delivery to information discovery?

How would this change your work? Your life?

Identity

Facts Feelings


twitter: #diffconv


twitter: #diffconv

Call Me

Mark Stringer 07736 807 604

[email protected]

Identity

Facts Feelings

Tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Software without (so many) tears: How to have difficult...

Documents

Transcript of Tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Software without (so many) tears: How to have difficult...