Tina DeSalvo

Increasing Effectiveness by Increasing Self Awareness

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters

compared to what lies within us.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Welcome!!

• Understand self – in a new and deeper way • Understanding others – in a new and deeper way • Understand the interdependencies of leadership,

communication and self management

Today’s Conversation

How do you describe yourself? • Make a list of 5-10 ways you describe yourself – adjectives & roles &

values – things you’re known for - things that DEFINE WHO YOU ARE

ie: I’m a traveler, independent business owner, devoted daughter, learner, generous, spiritual person, outgoing, care taker, lover of people, etc.

• Now, take your age and cut it in half How would the list vary? Where would it be the same?

Your Identity • How we think of ourselves • How we adapt to fit a role for others • Who we are; consciously, unconsciously

What’s The Difference? Between Identity and Personality

– Identity: How you define yourself – Personality: How you show who you are –

an expression of identity

Johari Window Public Self

(known to me and others)

Private Self (known to me only)

Hidden Self (known to others but

not to me)

Unknown Self (not known to me or

anyone else)

Conscious

Unconscious

Publ

ic Private

Our Hero’s Journey The Fixer

The Survivor

The Protector

The Heroic Modes

Fixer

Empowers

Overcomes

Conqueror

Abuser

Survivor

Witnesses with Wisdom

Endures

Martyr

Abandoner

Protector

Nurtures with Empathy

Shields

Sufferer

Victim/Accuser

Adapted from Jungian Psychology, Shadow Work, and David Kantor

All our knowledge has its origins in perceptions.”

– Leonardo da Vinci

Understanding your Personality Type

and how it Impacts

How you Communicate, Lead, and Work

INTR

OV

ER

SIO

N E

XTR

AVE

RS

ION

EXTRAVERSION Talkative Involved Gregarious Flamboyant Outspoken Bold Action Breadth Outward Focus

INTROVERSION Quiet

Observant Thoughtful

Intimate Reserved Cautious

Reflective Depth

Inward Focus

20 20

‘I’m about to fall silent for an

hour or two. Nothing

personal.’

Rational Function: How we make decisions

Formal Detached

Competitive

Impersonal Objective Correct

Informal Considerate

Caring

Personal Involved Accommodating

THINKING Focus on the Task

FEELING Focus on the Relationship

Sensing & Intuition

20

20 20

Global Concepts Inspiration Abstract General Indirect Focus on the imagination and future potential

Specific Practical

Precise

Factual

Security

Persistent

Focus on the realism and here and now

Where Are You?

20

20 20

On A Good Day… Rank in Your Preferred Order Competitive

Demanding Determined Strong-willed Purposeful

Sociable Dynamic Demonstrative Enthusiastic Persuasive

Caring Encouraging

Sharing Patient

Relaxed

Cautious Precise

Deliberate Questioning

Formal

Leveraging Our Strengths

Builds Deep, Long-Term Relationships

Natural Listener Sincere and Warm

Ability to Share Credit Persistent

Confident and Determined Loves Challenges Focused Influencing Others Direct

Quick to Build Relationships Friendly and Sociable Adaptable, Imaginative Charismatic Open

Knowledgeable & Detailed Air of Competence

Asks Probing Questions Thorough Follow-Up

On A Bad Day… Aggressive Controlling Driving Overbearing Intolerant

Excitable Frantic Indiscreet Flamboyant Hasty

Docile Bland

Plodding Reliant

Stubborn

Stuffy Indecisive

Suspicious Cold

Reserved

What happens when we…

FLIP OUT??

Taking Care of Ourselves

Taking on too much yourself and “sucking it up”, “bring it on”, staying in motion to avoid pain

Holding the “whole” or the group so much – making sure everyone else is OK, telling yourself it’s all good, and not seeing that it may not be

Nurturing and caring so much for others you forget

about yourself, not wanting to ask both anyone and ask

for help

Keeping your feelings bottled up, detaching for

safety, not paying attention to body signals

Colorful Statements Let’s do it NOW

Let’s do it together

Let’s do it in a caring

way

Let’s do it right

Communication Do’s and Don’ts

Do: Be Brief, Be Bright, Be Gone! Don’t: Hesitate, be indecisive or too soft

Do: Give Me the details & be prepared Don’t: Be flippant on

important issues or talk all over the place

Do: Involve me, be sociable, open, flexible Don’ t: Bore me with details or tie me down to routine

Do: Show me that your care, ask my opinion,

give me time to answer Don’t: Push me to quick

decision, take over, or take advantage

Let’s take a moment

Who do you work with?

Competitive Demanding Determined Strong-willed Purposeful

Sociable Dynamic Demonstrative Enthusiastic Persuasive

Caring Encouraging

Sharing Patient

Relaxed

Cautious Precise

Deliberate Questioning

Formal

Resources:

Who do you work with?

Golden Rule of Insights

Do unto others as you they would be done by.

Possible Causes of Stress

Being Unprepared

Loss of control

Devaluing Exclusion

Stress Signals - Cool Blue

Compass Learning Guide – Recognizing Type: Section 1.8

CAUSES OF STRESS: • Lack of information, structure and logic • Poor quality work • Time wasted or task rushed

STRESS SIGNALS: • Becomes questioning and deliberate • Nit picking • Aloof, withdrawn and resentful

REMEDY: • Get their feedback on the way forward • Informational and emotional support • Back to beginning and analyze more carefully

Stress Signals - Earth Green

Compass Learning Guide – Recognizing Type: Section 1.8

CAUSES OF STRESS: • Unfair or impersonal treatment • Violation of values • Interruptions or time pressures

STRESS SIGNALS: • Becomes silent, withdrawn or hurt • Judgmental, impersonal, resistant • Stubborn and overly cautious

REMEDY: • Personal contact to restore trust • Understanding sincerity • Put the task aside to another day

Stress Signals - Sunshine Yellow

Compass Learning Guide – Recognizing Type: Section 1.8

CAUSES OF STRESS: • Restriction on flexibility • No interaction and fun • Personal rejection

STRESS SIGNALS: • Over responsive • Appears opinionated • Argumentative

REMEDY: • Allow room for maneuver • Save face • Distract onto something different

Stress Signals - Fiery Red

Compass Learning Guide – Recognizing Type: Section 1.8

CAUSES OF STRESS: • Lack of focus • Indecisiveness • Being out of control

STRESS SIGNALS: • Becomes aggressive • Impatient • Irritable, demanding

REMEDY: • Allow for fast action • Take decisions or time out • Put them in control

How to Diffuse? – Recognize your particular stress inducers and those of others – Infuse “good day” color to “bad day” behavior

• Red – give them control • Yellow – get them involved, encouraged or distract them • Green – empathize, slow down and show you care • Blue – give them information and details

Trust is a Loaded Word There are four main components of trust:

– Competence (R/B) – Openness (Y/G) – Integrity/Concern (Y/G) – Reliability/Consistency (R/B)

Ladder of Inference • When something happens that we don’t like, we get triggered. • In other words, when a mental model is challenged, we feel

stressed/triggered. • As soon as we’re triggered, we walk up the “ladder.” • The higher we are, the less grounded we are in reality and the

more unstable we are.

Universal Obstacle – Ladder of Inference

Accessing our Preferences

Where is Your Focus? And what is the QUALITY of your ATTENTION?

What is your focus?

What is the Quality of Your Attention? • The average family meal time is down to 11 minutes • We spend more than 12 hours a day looking at screens • On average, we go less than 60 seconds before we’re

interrupted • It takes 23 minutes to get back to task • Memory problems and Alzheimer’s rates are increasing

rapidly • Children haven’t learned how to be bored – the first

generation at risk of having the lowest self awareness skills • 1 in 4 car accidents are due to cell phones

Just Breathe

Your Effectiveness Relies on Your Focus • The quality of presence and attention you have with others • The quality of presence and attention you have with yourself • The amount of time each day you take to pause, and reflect • A very intentional approach to learning through reflection • Managing your triggers (and your ladder rides) • Managing your listening skills: self and others

The Power of Perspective

48

10 Lessons to Live By*

1. Get real – with yourself, with others

2. Either you get it or you don’t 3. You create your own experience 4. People do what works 5. You can’t change what you don’t

acknowledge

*Life Strategies by McGraw

6. Life rewards action 7. There is no reality, only

perception 8. We teach people how to treat us 9. There is power in forgiveness 10. You have to name it to claim it

Reflect With Your Partner

• What resonated most with you? (what are you leaving with/thinking about?)

• What two things can you do differently to be more effective in your role?