Those Games We Play

8/19/2019 Those Games We Play

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Those Games We Play (Part I)

It is one of man’s curious idiosyncrasies to create difficulties for the pleasure of resolving them.

~Joseph de Maistre

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

“You can wait, but I won’t be there.”

A deafening silence oertoo! the ra"bunctious chattering of those who had been atte"pting to appear

as if the# were not blatantl# eaesdropping. $he lecture hall their class "et in was one of the s"allest

on ca"pus so it would hae been hard not to oerhear an#wa#s, but it beca"e a purposeful act when it

concerned one of the "ost popular girls at %oshidae &niersit#, a renowned priate institution for those

stud#ing the Arts. 'hen the faored second (goddess’ of their school issued a proposal li!e she had, the

thirst for gossip and the thrill of watching the i"pending spectacle unfold were the lures that the# all

were entranced b#. 'hen the girl !nown for char"ing her wa# into hearts fro" the "o"ent she first set

foot on ca"pus as!ed out the girl best !nown for ran!ing first in the school for four consecutie #ears,

their peers raptl# obsered their interactions.

$iffan# )wang’s re*ection at the hands of +i" $ae#eon was li!e a fascinating wee!l# dra"a, where the

net episode was eagerl# anticipated een when the ending had alread# been predeter"ined.

)ead whipping around at the blunt repl#, $iffan#’s short chestnut brown "ane adopted a slightl#

"ussed loo! as it resettled around her head. )er coffee brown e#es were wide in feigned surprise een

as she unconsciousl# tightened her fists at her sides, "anicured nails digging into her pal"s as her e#es

began flitting fro" one class"ate’s face to the net. )er enticing pin! lips twisted into a scowl upon

seeing fa"iliar loo!s of disbelief, happiness, "irth, and the occasional one of pit# on their faces. $he

epression on her beautiful face onl# grew dar!er as her e#es finall# landed on the girl she had beenactiel# pursuing for four "onths, who as alwa#s, did not see" the slightest bit fa-ed b# the attention

the# were now receiing.

eall#, it was not the first ti"e thoughts of in*uring and possibl# "urdering the girl crossed her "ind,

but she repressed the" now with a cal"ing re"inder to herself that she li!ed said da"nable girl. It

would not be beneficial to her in an# wa# if she were to brea! li"bs that she preferred wound around


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her in a fit of rage. /or would it do her an# good to throttle the slightl# shorter girl and face charges for

atte"pted "urder. Asph#iation, after all, would deprie her of certain things she rather en*o#ed.

)oweer, she was al"ost to the point of not caring an# "ore, her te"per oer constant refusals close to

snapping as easil# as a piece of graphite.

“I *ust told #ou I wasn’t ta!ing no for an answer this ti"e and #et #ou still want to argue0 You will be

there and that’s final,” $iffan# said through clenched teeth, her e#es narrowing as +i" $ae#eon slipped

on the pressed cr1"e colored bla-er that was part of their unifor" and pic!ed up her "essenger bag.

Why do you keep doing this to me? What is it that you keep telling me ‘no’ when all I want to hear from

you is ‘yes’? After what happened between us then, after what I told you two months ago, why can’t I

get any closer to you than you let me? Why can’t everyone know that we

“2nce "ore, I won’t be there and hae no plans of listening to #ou an# longer. As I’e told #ou before,I thin! it would benefit #ou greatl# if #ou went and bothered so"eone else. $here are plent# of people

who wish to date #ou, #ou !now. You should as! one of the" because "# answer will continue to be

no. /ow, if that’s all #ou wanted to tell "e3”

“/o, that’s not all I want to tell #ou4”

In fact, I have many things I’d like to scream at you but can’t.

“I don’t get #ou. I’" sincere each ti"e and #ou shoe it bac! in "# face. 'hat did I do to #ou that #ou

don’t een see" to consider "# sincerit#0” $iffan# 5uestioned, her irritation and aggressieness oer

the entire situation between the" getting the better of her as she crossed the space separating the".

%topping in front of $ae#eon with the intention of sa#ing "ore, $iffan# felt her words die on her lips

the "o"ent $ae#eon’s dar! chocolate e#es flashed behind s5uare lenses. 'ith her glasses pushed up on

her nose and her feather# brown bangs falling partiall# across her left lens, $ae#eon pinned her with a

glare that ca"e across "ore as se# instead of stern as $iffan# !new the other girl intended it actuall#

to be. $he loo! al"ost "ade her want to fan herself, especiall# when her e#es trailed down to

tantali-ingl# pursed lips and then to the decidedl# stubborn set of a softened *aw line. )ow the bab#6

faced girl was able to "a!e her want to cup her face in her hands and la# !iss upon !iss on it was not a

"#ster# to her in a "o"ent li!e this, but otherwise, $iffan# was often "#stified about what eactl# it

was about $ae#eon that captiated her so "uch.


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$ae#eon was not een her nor"al t#pe. )er ideal was taller, dar!er, "ore "ature loo!ing, and looser in

character. /eer before had she had the co"pulsion to tie herself to so"eone who often loo!ed

#ounger than she did or so"eone who was as indifferent, conseratie, and proper as $ae#eon acted .

7uite honestl#, een though she !new it was "ostl# pretense, she understood the attraction on a

ph#sical leel "ore than she did on a personalit# one at ti"es li!e this.8ersonalit# wise, she had alwa#s preferred the spontaneous, outgoing, and willing to hae fun t#pes.

$ae#eon hardl# appeared to hold an# hint of those characteristics, but $iffan# !new better than an#one

that appearances could be deceiing. 'hat onl# she !new of was wh# she wanted $ae#eon to be hers in

the worst wa#. If she did not hae her own "otiations, then wh# else would she continue "a!ing a

fool of herself0 'h# else would she undergo "onths of re*ections that the entire school !new about

fie "inutes after the# occurred0

And she did !now, tuning into the increasing whispers of those around the", that news of this latestre*ection would spread faster than gossip scratched into the walls of a bathroo" stall. 8erhaps it would

be een faster since it pertained to her and to $ae#eon. It was an indisputable fact that her own status

all but de"anded a certain degree of interest in her life, but $ae#eon’s situation was co"parable

because she was not the stereot#pical nerd in glasses. As it was, while she "a# hae been dee"ed a

(goddess’ b# her peers, $ae#eon was certainl# not lac!ing in attractieness and the onl# reason she was

not titled si"ilarl# was because she had "ade it clear that she had no wish to be held to such standards.

$ae#eon’s popularit# "a# not hae been to the sa"e etent as her own, but the other girl still had "an#

ad"irers as her reputation etended "ore along the lines of words of awe and the label of (%oshidae’s

resident genius’.

%o to $iffan#, it trul# was little wonder wh# such attention was generated when the (goddess’ was

repeatedl# denied b# the (genius’.

“I’" not den#ing #our sincerit#, but I’" not the one for #ou. Your sincerit# would be put to better use

on one of #our "an# followers who would bas! in it or so"eone who could trul# appreciate it. And

I’e told #ou before that #ou didn’t do an#thing to "e. I’" *ust not interested in #ou, $ippani6sshi,”

$ae#eon finall# responded after a long "o"ent, swinging her bag onto her shoulder, her fingers

tightening around the strap in a "anner re"iniscent of so"eone who was agitated.

It’s somewhat funny that the most intelligent girl in school can’t even pronounce my name right It’s

cute. !specially when" Aish. #ocus, $iffany. #ocus. %ou’re mad at her remember? And by the way she’s

holding that strap, it looks like she’s getting upset about something too


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“9ut I’" putting it towards #ou4 I *ust want one frea!ing date and then if #ou reall# can’t see #ourself

with "e, I’d at least be "ore understanding. You’re not giing "e a chance at all4 You’re *ust choosing

on #our own to disregard "# feelings,” she countered in a strained oice, a s"all part of her anger

diffused because of proi"it# alone. /eer "ind that it was also because she was "entall# ehausted

sa#ing the onl# words she was per"itted to sa# in consideration of their audience:

“;i!e #ou don’t choose on #our own all the ti"e. I said I see #our sincerit#, but #ou started "a!ing

de"ands after the fifth ti"e I turned #ou down. If I had eer had a thought of accepting, then it

disappeared then. 'ho sla"s their hands down on so"eone’s des! and "a!es de"ands0 And #ou

epect "e to go along with it0 /ot a chance. 'e’re not in pri"ar# school where that plo# "ight hae

wor!ed. I don’t wish to date #ou and nothing #ou could do would change "# "ind.”

What you’re saying now, is that really all you can come up with? What does that even have to do withwhat I’m talking about? It sounds like you’re &ust making e'cuses like it always sounds to me. I was

childish and admit it, but I only did that to see if it would make you actually consider me. (ut you’re

not even now, are you?

“9ut wh# can’t we go on *ust one date0 I "ean, I’" beautiful, !ind, I "a# not be as s"art as #ou but

I’" ran!ed


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with "ore force than necessar#, she pic!ed her bac!pac! up before heading bac! up the steps. %he

heard the al"ost ecited "ur"urs of her peers and pro"ptl# ignored the" as she sto"ped up the

re"aining stairs to the eit, not bothering to glance $ae#eon’s wa# as she passed her lest she do

so"ething stupid, li!e drag her off and gie the gossip"ongers so"ething "ore to tal! about.

$he gaggle who usuall# trailed after her see"ed to !now to !eep their distance because she went

un"olested as she "ade her wa# to the nearest restroo". $here were onl# two occupants inside and

upon seeing her the# i""ediatel# scuttled towards the doors, "a!ing her feel slightl# guilt# for

running the" out. %ighing heail#, $iffan# placed her boo! bag on one of the hoo!s installed in the

bathroo" for that purpose and stripped her bla-er off to hang it up as well, the etra la#er of her winter

unifor" "a!ing her feel stifled since she alread# was wearing it’s "atching est oer a white button

up. $ugging at her pale pin! tie net, the onl# part of the unifor" that the# were (officiall#’ per"itted

to personali-e, she pulled it loose and left the ends dangling as she "oed to the other side of the roo"to sit on the window ledge. %he was than!ful that the restroo" was on the third floor where it "eant

she could open the window and let so"e cool air inside.

%taring out oer the nearb# grounds, she wished it could be spring alread# so there would be "ore than

*ust scruff# patches of once erdant grass, branches oid of unfurling buds or an incandescent rainbow

of leaes, and brittle tree bar! to loo! at. Ma#be b# the ti"e it was spring she would be oer her

infatuation with $ae#eon and bac! to her confident self who had neer trul# had to as! an#one out or

put as "uch energ# into it. Ma#be she would stop being this person so whipped b# a girl who had

!issed her after drin!ing at a part#, and then continued to "a!e out with her until the# had been

interrupted. 8erhaps b# the ti"e the flora on the ca"pus blosso"ed, she would no longer want to see

the person behind that false stoic eterior who had "ade her wish to call +i" $ae#eon hers.

I swear that’s the last time I’m asking her out. I’m not going to keep doing this. )essi is going to be so

mad that I did it again when I made such a fuss the last time, but this time is really it. I mean it

Anyways, how can she get irritated at me when it was at her damn party that the incident that got me

hooked on $aeyeon happened? I mean, she could have ensured that none of the regular beverages were

spiked if she weren’t so busy molesting and being molested by %uri. (ut then again, if she had, maybe

$aeyeon and I would’ve never

$iffan# raised a hand to her lips inoluntaril#, recalling the feel of slightl# chapped ones brushing

against the" and pleasant pressure as she had been forced to open her "outh to a sudden intruder. 2h,

she could’e stopped it that ti"e, but she had allowed her libido to control her actions and all she had


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done was pull the shorter girl closer while leaning bac! against the counter in Jessica’s !itchen at that

part# four "onths ago. %o"eti"es she thought it was the best decision she had eer "ade and other

"o"ents, li!e now, "ade her regret it.

At Jessica’s #earl# part#, she had si"pl# been in the !itchen to get another drin! and had turned aroundto find $ae#eon when a hand on her shoulder urged her to do so. %urprised when $ae#eon had fallen

against her and looped her ar"s around her nec!, she had been entranced b# the wa# her e#es had

spar!led without glasses cutting their glow and the cascade of soft waes around her face. %he still

wasn’t certain wh# she had allowed so"eone who was a irtual stranger to her to lift their face to hers

in the net "o"ent, but per"it it she had. It definitel# hadn’t been loneliness or a desire for inti"ac#

that co"pelled her to do so since she had co"e to the part# with a date, who" she had forgotten the

"o"ent $ae#eon had rested against her. /o, she rather thought she had consented to it because of the

rasp# whisper of her na"e before their lips "et and the insistent !iss that had turned into so"ething far "ore olatile than an#thing she had eperienced before.

If her date hadn’t co"e to find her and "ade her presence !nown through a series of coughs, $iffan#

was certain her hands would hae eentuall# found the "ind to unfasten the clasp on the dress $ae#eon

had been wearing that night. %trangel#, she had fu"bled with the da"n thing for well oer ten "inutes

of the nearl# three 5uarters of an hour she had spent with $ae#eon in her ar"s> a detail that had sha!en

her because she was !nown for her ni"bleness. $hen again, $ae#eon’s hands had found their wa#

under her top and had been tracing patterns on her sides for a good portion of that ti"e so "a#be it

wasn’t so out of the ordinar#.

Yet, that she couldn’t een den# that her hands had been tre"bling abnor"all# when she had retracted

the" was a bi-arre reaction for her. %he wasn’t going to call herself a pla#er because she wasn’t, she

had had co""itted relationships, but she had neer reacted to her preious partners or occasional fling

as she had with $ae#eon. After the ferocit# of the assault the# had sustained and their subse5uent

counter6attac!, her bruised and tender lips were also a testa"ent to that, as her relatiel# high degree of

self6control hadn’t held up in the slightest. =ran!l#, because of it, she hadn’t een been able to i"agine

*ust how "uch "ore affected she would hae been if her date hadn’t interrupted.

'ith her date’s nagging oice filling her ears, she had ga-ed at the girl in her ar"s and been etre"el#

te"pted to lean bac! in, in spite of her original co"panion’s presence. )oweer, haing tasted the "ild

flaor of li5uor and "int on $ae#eon’s tongue and seeing the faint gla-e in her e#es that she had failed


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to notice before, she had restrained herself een though she had wanted to find out if it had been an

accident of drun!en behaior or so"ething "ore. &nfortunatel#, she had been unable to obtain an

answer because her date3who had beco"e li!e a giant gnat bu--ing irrepressibl# nearb# in that

"o"ent3had angril# dragged her off after $ae#eon’s ar"s had fallen with see"ing reluctance fro"

around her. All she had been able to do was glance oer her shoulder and she had still #et to figure outif what she had seen was $ae#eon frowning at herself, scowling after her or both.

*he confuses me so much but the way she kisses definitely trumps confusion any day $iffan# thought,

sliding a finger across her botto" lip "usingl# and ehaling lightl# at the touch.

e"e"bering that first encounter alwa#s proo!ed a stor" of butterflies in her lower bell# and now

was no different. As her sto"ach fluttered, $iffan# laid a cal"ing hand oer it while lowering her other

hand fro" her lips to tug at the collar of her button up, her fingers finding and releasing the top two

buttons. $he class she had left had been her last of the da# and so she had no 5ual"s about beginningthe re"oal process of her unifor". Moreoer, she still felt oerheated than!s to her thoughts and she

sighed again as she pushed the window open further, closing her e#es when the chill# bree-e sweeping

inside caressed her face.

$he cold air was welco"e against her flushed s!in and she hated $ae#eon for being the cause of her

condition. 2!a#, so "a#be she didn’t hate her, but it did seerel# aggraate her that she flushed so

easil# oer the incident that the other girl had initiall# acted as if she had no clue about when she had

first confronted her. %he had as!ed to spea! with her three da#s after the part# and the result of their

conersation had been $ae#eon as!ing her if she had drun! too "uch. +nowing she hadn’t, $iffan#

re"e"bered how she had de"anded for $ae#eon to stop acting and how the other girl had cooll#

infor"ed her that she had not attended the part# and to chec! with others if she li!ed.

As it had turned out, no one reall# re"e"bered $ae#eon being there. %till, een with no proof, she had

been certain of who she had been !issing because there was no one else who could pass the"seles off

as $ae#eon in their school. $ae#eon "a# hae been a irtual stranger to her, but she had been one who

$iffan# had seen around and re"e"bered aguel# fro" a shared class. %he could sa# it had been

identif#ing and recalling the see"ingl# 5uiet girl that had "ade her decide to as! her out, but it had

actuall# been because she had been unable to sha!e the "e"or# of their "eeting. %he had wanted to

!now "ore about her and the word (re*ection’ had beco"e al"ost s#non#"ous with her na"e in recent

"onths because of it.


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)oweer, what their class"ates !new was *ust half of the stor# that onl# Jessica and Yuri !new in its

entiret#.

I act like I’m so surprised by why I can’t seem to look at anyone but her, but I know it’s because she

keeps me bound like a fly stuck in a spider’s web. I know it’s because I still get a thrill from what othersdon’t know about us. (ut mostly, I know it’s because I want to know why it is that she acts as if she

doesn’t wish to be associated with me"

“You’re going to catch a cold sitting at the window li!e that, $ippani.”

3 when in private, she comes to me after each re&ection and shows me that she does It’s what I wait

for

$iffan# opened her e#es and turned her head toward the entrance to the restroo", where $ae#eon was

leaning bac! against the door with her ar"s crossed oer her chest. %he hadn’t heard the other girlenter, but that wasn’t unusual, as she had figured out that $ae#eon’s abilit# to "a!e herself

unnoticeable was the reason no one could recall her presence at that part#. %he had drawn her own

conclusions and decided that $ae#eon hadn’t wanted to be recogni-ed then, so she hadn’t been. %he had

reali-ed "an# "ore things about $ae#eon oer the last four "onths and all of the" had thus far onl#

sered to "a!e her "ore interested in the girl who was an#thing but what $iffan# had originall#

thought her to be.

$urning her head bac! towards the window, she ignored $ae#eon because she still was pissed off and

hurt b# her last co""ent. %he *ust did not understand wh# $ae#eon acted one wa# toward her and then

another in the net second. 9eing shuffled bac! and forth across a ga"e board where so"eone else was

in control of her "oe"ents frustrated her to no end. It was as if she was a pawn dancing to the tune of

whateer persona $ae#eon chose to show> whether it was the unaffected attitude $ae#eon paraded to

the public: or the hidden one that alwa#s "anaged to catch $iffan# b# surprise when the# were alone.

$he one that so"ehow alwa#s "ade her rebel against her "ind’s orders because she !new, better than

an#one suspected, that +i" $ae#eon was one hell of a girl.

Around others, $ae#eon was li!e a crude ge"> beautiful but not as da--ling as she could be. 'hen it

was *ust her and $ae#eon alone, howeer, $ae#eon was a faceted ge" abla-e with rich color and of

peerless e5uisiteness. %he had seen the girl who was unsuspectingl# cute, "ischieousl# pla#ful,

endearingl# considerate, naturall# co"passionate, and surprisingl# ris5u?. %he also had seen the girl

who was anno#ingl# stubborn, dishonestl# apathetic, unintentionall# flawed, and generall#


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bewildering. $hough she was at an adantage to hae seen those facets of $ae#eon’s true personalit# in

the ti"e she had !nown her, it was onl# a "arginal one as she was onl# offered gli"pses before the#

see"ed to be carefull# retracted behind what she had identified as a self6constructed eterior "as!

$ae#eon wore when acting.

@a"n her luc! for causing her to li!e so"eone who happened to also be a hell of an actress: because

she often3and 5uite profusel#3had to curse her fate that $ae#eon was one so s!illed that she was unable

to tell if what was between the" was real or *ust a "anifestation of her own desires clouding her

perceptions.

“'hat do #ou care0 I’" *ust the girl who bugs #ou for a date eer# wee!, right0 %o wh# don’t #ou stop

co"ing to find "e afterwards as if #ou actuall# are sorr# for sa#ing no. I’" !ind of tired of all this now

and would prefer to be left alone,” $iffan# stated gru"pil#, refusing to fall pre# to an# for" of"ollification $ae#eon "ight offer.

“'ell, I’" glad to !now that #ou do !now #ou bug "e,” $ae#eon responded lightl# and she heard the

light tread of loafers oer tile as the other girl ca"e further into the bathroo", her bac! tensing with

each step. $he water turned on a "o"ent later and then $ae#eon spo!e again. “9ut #ou still don’t see"

to hae figured out wh# that is:”

“cuse "e if I don’t reall# gie a da"n about wh# an# longer,” $iffan# responded testil# before her

oice softened and she tiredl# continued. “You treat "e one wa# in front of eer#one and then another

when we’re alone. And I’e let #ou do that, een though I told #ou two "onths ago that I was serious

about #ou and wanted to see #ou openl#. I let #ou conince "e to act as though as!ing #ou out is the

onl# "anner in which I !now #ou and hae been !eeping up with the act, but I don’t want to be

coninced an#"ore.”

I really don’t want to do this anymore. It’s not that I care about people knowing we’re"well, whatever

we are. It’s &ust me wanting to be able to really call you mine. $aeyeon+ah, I’d &ust like to be able to see

you whenever I want to hold onto you whenever to call your name and have you look at me

differently than you do anyone else

“You and I: all #ou want us to do is "eet in secret, right0 You don’t want "ore of "e than that. 'ell

guess what0 I won’t bother #ou b# as!ing #ou out an#"ore, so #ou don’t hae to follow "e an#"ore.

'e don’t hae to see each other an#where else either. %o could #ou please leae0 I don’t particularl#


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want to see #ou right now. ;eae.”

$hat’s right. $his is how you do it, $iffany wang. )ust forget about her. I mean, there are plenty of

smart midgets out there who would love to date you publicly, instead of always sneaking around. *o

what if their lips don’t -uite fit yours like hers do or they aren’t as adorable looking when lailyanswering a problem in class? *o what if they aren’t her ? /nce you get free of her, don’t get yourself

caught in her web again 0on’t lose yourself in her charms like you always do

“/ow wh# on earth would I do so"ething li!e that0” $ae#eon 5uestioned in an al"ost thoughtful tone

as the sound of water hitting the basin abruptl# ceased. =ollowing it was the cru"pling of a nap!in,

then the clic! of the trash receptacle opening and the ringing of it swinging shut.

“'h# won’t #ou0” $iffan# as!ed sharpl# in return, and then cursed her "outh for opening when she

didn’t eer intend to spea! to $ae#eon again.

A soft chuc!le ca"e fro" right net to her, causing her to turn her head and find that $ae#eon had

stealthil# crept to her side. $ae#eon "ade a tutting noise and wagged a finger at her in ad"onish"ent,

ta!ing another step closer and "a!ing her reali-e the position she was in. @r#l# swallowing, $iffan#

wondered wh# it was that $ae#eon see"ed to hae a !nac! for finding her when it was easiest to trap

her. %eated on the low window ledge with her bac! catt#cornered between the window and narrow strip

of wall intersecting it, her position was not one that afforded her the luur# of an escape unless she

possibl# wanted to !ill herself b# falling fro" the third floor. Atte"pting to "oe forward wouldn’t do

her an# good either as getting past $ae#eon would re5uire s!ill that see"ed to desert her wheneer the

other girl was so close.

“9ecause I don’t want to,” $ae#eon answered sil!il#, ga-ing down at her with glittering e#es as she

reached out to trail the finger slowl# down the line of her *aw.

$iffan# !new i""ediatel# she was in trouble at the tone of oice, one that $ae#eon used when she was

feeling particularl# aroused. +nowing that, she had to force herself not to gasp at the touch, her

heartbeat 5uic!ening as $ae#eon’s e#es fell to her lips and a s"ir! lifted a corner of her "outh.

$ae#eon added another finger, sliding the" beneath her chin and lifting her face up before leaning

down. $he cool breath that fanned against $iffan#’s chee! as $ae#eon "oed to place her "outh net

to her ear caused her to shier, which she !new the other girl noticed because of another soft chuc!le.

=rowning, she lifted her hands to $ae#eon’s shoulders to push her awa# with the hopes that it would


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st#"ie her reaction, but then $ae#eon beguilingl# whispered her net words into her ear.

“You !now #ou’re reall# cute when #ou’re frustrated with "e and downright se# when #ou tr#

co""anding "e to do so"ething0 %o how could I leae when I want to see #ou frustrated0 )ow could

I leae when I li!e going against #our de"ands so "uch, 8ani6ah0”

“Yah4 @on’t #ou dare tr# and3”

: sweet talk me into"/h, damn it $iffan# thought, her words cut off and thoughts dierted b# supple

lips lightl# gra-ing her own.

Instead of pushing $ae#eon awa# as she !new she should, $iffan# found herself gripping $ae#eon’s

neat bla-er, wrin!ling the "aterial as she pulled her closer and their noses collided. $he other girl

uttered a short curse against her "outh as she oerbalanced and $iffan# was unable to stop the feelingof triu"ph she felt when it "eant that their lips pressed together "ore fir"l#. 'hen $ae#eon was

forced to lean down een "ore with a hand on her shoulder and the other on the wall to acco""odate

the change, $iffan# too! the other girl’s lower lip between her teeth and nibbled on it until $ae#eon

pulled bac! to "oc! glare at her. 8asting an entirel# too innocent loo! on her face, she watched

$ae#eon’s e#es dar!en before she was descended upon once "ore, e#es drifting shut as $ae#eon’s

"outh hungril# assaulted her own.

$ae#eon alternated her attentions between her upper and lower lip, nipping and tugging in such an

i"patient "anner that $iffan# !new what was being as!ed of her. 8arting her lips further at the

unspo!en re5uest, she al"ost bro!e awa# to giggle at how 5uic!l# $ae#eon’s tongue too! adantage of

the granted entr# before she was lost to its strong, #et delicate stro!es. en though she was obiousl#

eager, $ae#eon too! her ti"e to "a!e sure no noo! of her "outh went un!nowing of her eistence.

$hen their noses brushed again as $ae#eon tilted her head the other wa# and $iffan# wondered if her

nec! wouldn’t start hurting fro" haing to lean down, but reali-ed she needn’t worr# a few "inutes

later when $ae#eon bro!e their connection once "ore.

#es fluttering open as she lic!ed her lips, $iffan# "et with the sight of $ae#eon pouting and felt her

heart *u"p to her throat. 'ell, not literall#, but it did thu"p hard enough for it to sound plausible.

;ower lip *utting out and chee!s puffed with *ust a little bit of air, the i"age al"ost would hae "ade

her forget what the# had *ust been doing, ecept $ae#eon obiousl# hadn’t. %he alread# !new what

$ae#eon had in "ind when the other girl re"oed her hands fro" her shoulders and pulled her fro" the


13/99

window ledge. 'hat she didn’t !now was wh# $ae#eon alwa#s threaded their fingers together as

though she had eer# right to "a!e her heart beat een faster with such a si"ple act.

And she didn’t.

At least, that’s what $iffan# had been tr#ing to get herself to beliee after the last couple of re*ections.

9ut she couldn’t. %he couldn’t sa# that she did not en*o# eer# one of $ae#eon’s attentions that she did

receie, that the# all "eant nothing to her. %he couldn’t den# that *ust this bit of contact that so "an#

(real’ couples too! for granted was all she reall# longed for with $ae#eon. $hat she would rather hae it

than what the# had *ust been doing, een if she did ta!e pleasure in it. %he would rather hae this if it

"eant $ae#eon felt the sa"e. 9ecause if it was alwa#s and onl# hers to hae, then she would not be one

of those who did not appreciate its alue.

$ae#eon led her across the bathroo" to where she had hung her things and retrieed her bla-er first,

passing it to her one handedl# before reaching for her boo! bag. As the other girl slipped a strap oer

her shoulder, $iffan# wondered where $ae#eon’s own bag was, but the thought was fleeting as $ae#eon

too! the *ac!et bac! and then crac!ed open the door to peer into the hallwa#. $here had been discord

within her "ind because of the war"th eneloping her hand and her earlier frustrations, but watching

$ae#eon chec! to see if the coast was clear, the conflict dissipated and left behind onl# a feeling of

disenchant"ent.

Why was I e'pecting anything more from her? I know what she wants. I know that well, but I want to

give her another chance. I need to because I l

$iffan# shoo! her head to clear it, for now ignoring the oice in her head telling her what she was

hesitant and scared to ad"it. =ocusing on $ae#eon, she stubbornl# refused to ac!nowledge the oice

changing tactics and telling her she shouldn’t follow because $ae#eon was right now doing one of the

er# things that bothered her. %he didn’t want the re"inder that it could end up hurting her li!e it

alwa#s did. %he *ust wanted $ae#eon to stop and so she s5uee-ed her hand, sa#ing nothing when the

other girl turned bac! to her in confusion.

$ae#eon waited for her to spea!, but when she didn’t, she s"iled at her and then turned to continue her

chec!. 9ecause she wasn’t 5uite read# to de"and the answers she wanted fro" $ae#eon, $iffan# let it

happen, loo!ing down as she allowed herself be pulled into the e"pt# corridor a few "o"ents later.

%he stared down at their *oined hands longingl# and didn’t loo! bac! up until she was guided into a


14/99

acant classroo". 2nl# then did she glance up at $ae#eon curiousl#, standing b# as $ae#eon released

her hand to close the door and after it was reta!en, following her to the bac! of the roo".

“'hat are #ou doing0” she finall# as!ed, brea!ing her silence as $ae#eon deposited her things in a

chair and then turned another around so that its bac! was against the des!.

“'hat does it loo! li!e0 I’" getting #ou settled so"ewhere that will be "ore co"fortable for #ou and

for "e,” $ae#eon replied al"ost absentl#, pushing her to sit before shedding her bla-er and throwing it

into the other chair.

!mpty classroom plus us two only e-uals e'actly what I know she wants. 1ot to mention that she isn’t

taking care with her uniform like she usually does. $hat is, when she’s not like this. I know I should

resist, protest or something, but it’s been a long week and I want"no, I need to be with her even if it’sonly on her terms. I can’t act like I do though I can’t be that weak

“@on’t #ou *ust "ean co"fortable for #ou0 $his is new though, I don’t thin! we’e eer "ade it to a

chair before.”

“Actuall#, I "eant "ore co"fortable for #ou. Ball it "# apolog# for bruising #our bac! the last ti"e.”

*he knew? I didn’t tell her about that though 0oes that mean she"

“I noticed #ou wincing when #ou were stretching in class a couple of da#s after. 8lus, #ou !ept "a!ing

pained faces wheneer so"eone patted #ou on the bac!,” $ae#eon said as if she were reading her "ind.

“%orr#, 8ani6ah. 'e’ll sta# awa# fro" walls and I’ll be gentler this ti"e.”

*he was looking at me. I

“'ho said there would be a this ti"e0 I’" not in the "ood.”

%ou liar. Why are you even trying?

“Ah, reall#0”

“eall#.”

*he can probably see right through me. If only I could see through her too

“Are #ou sure about that0 9ecause I thin! #ou are.”


15/99

“Yah4 'ho are #ou to tell "e what I’" in the "ood for and what I’" no3”

“Aigoo. Just be 5uiet, 8ani6ah, and thin! about what I’ll do to #ou if #ou "a!e "e fall.”

“'ait, what are #ou doing0 Yah4 +6!i" $6tae: +i" $ae#eon4”

*he did not &ust%ah2 Why am I getting so flustered? It’s not as though it’s the first time someone’s sat

on my lap, but then again they weren’t her, were they?

“Just sit still and be a good girl, o!a#, 8ani6ah0 I’ll do eer#thing.”

$ae#eon’s s"ile held a wic!ed edge as she leaned in to recapture her lips and $iffan# barel# got a

chance to get used to the idea of $ae#eon straddling her before her e#es were sliding closed once "ore.

Moing her ar"s around $ae#eon’s torso as the other girl’s ar"s settled loosel# around her nec!, she!issed $ae#eon bac! with as "uch feror as she possessed. Just the thought of $ae#eon’s s!irt currentl#

bunched up to allow their position and the idea that $ae#eon did not see" to care in the slightest "ade

her feel di--# with lust. 'hoeer the idiot had been who had first said that "en were drien far "ore

b# their hor"ones than wo"en had obiousl# neer been in her place, receiing the al"ost single6

"inded focus of one +i" $ae#eon.

It was, on her part, a total surrender.

%o"e odd nu"ber of "inutes later and $iffan# was finding it harder to draw in air the longer $ae#eon

!ept her "outh engaged. It was as if $ae#eon had no reserations about stilling her breath in her chest

or preenting her fro" ta!ing in an# "ore. $ae#eon’s !isses had grown al"ost frantic and so far, she

was "eeting each with as "uch passion as was poured into the" b# the other girl. $ae#eon’s ar"s slid

fro" around her nec! and she would hae felt alar"ed if she did not feel her est being pulled at in the

net "o"ent. $ae#eon’s hands slipped beneath it, inching it upwards and freeing her shirt fro" the

waistband of her s!irt in the process.

“%tupid est is in "# wa#. ;ift #our ar"s. /ow,” $ae#eon "uttered against her "outh before pulling

bac!, breathing irregularl# as she tugged de"andingl# on the se"i6lifted "aterial.

@oing as ordered, her e#es opening so she could see what was happening, $iffan# found herself

diested willingl# of a part of her unifor" as $ae#eon pulled it oer her head and uncere"oniousl#


16/99

tossed it to the side. $ae#eon’s hands dropped to her shoulders and then slid towards her nec!, pulling

her tie off and disposing of it in the sa"e "anner. %lender fingers then fell upon the buttons of her shirt

and $ae#eon unfastened the third button before "aneuering it bac! into place, i"pishl# repeating the

act a few ti"es as if to prolong the suspense. 'hen $ae#eon tired of her own antics, or perhaps when

the other girl noticed that she was beginning to grow ants# as she shifted beneath her, another wic!eds"ile was directed her wa# as the button slipped free for the last ti"e.

=ollowing it was the fourth. $hen the fifth. And so it continued until her shirt was unfastened

co"pletel#. $he hue of $ae#eon’s chocolat# e#es beca"e al"ost blac! in their dilation and $iffan# was

sure her e#es were in a si"ilar state as she felt her lids lower to half6"ast. As her shirt was further

parted, eer# bit of her focus was on the sensation produced b# fingertips lightl# gra-ing her s!in. All

she could see was the wa# $ae#eon’s e#es see"ed to grow unfocused as she too! in what she had

reealed.

%he gasped when $ae#eon’s war" hands gentl# settled on her sto"ach a "o"ent later, her abdo"inal

"uscles tightening at the contact. $he# leisurel# slid to her sides and she watched $ae#eon follow their

path with a now s"oldering ga-e, which when the other girl briefl# "ade e#e contact with her, onl#

see"ed to be "agnified b# her glasses. $hen, $ae#eon lowered her head again and hot breath beat

against her nec! as the other girl hoered a "o"ent before closing the gap. Angling her head bac! to

"a!e the area "ore accessible, $iffan# lifted her hands to $ae#eon’s hair, twisting her fingers within

the sil!en strands. 'ith $ae#eon’s "outh "oing down her nec! to her collarbone, a location she !new

the other girl faored, she was perfectl# content to let things carr# on as the# were.

%he wasn’t sure how long $ae#eon spent suc!ing on her collarbone and peppering !isses along it,

etracting contented hu"s fro" her, but $iffan# was glad that the other girl was restricting the area she

coered to what would be concealed b# her unifor". $he last thing she needed was so"eone as!ing

about a line of hic!ies or the culprit. $hat had alread# happened "ore than a few ti"es before when

$ae#eon had decided to "ar! her isibl# with the clai" that it was her punish"ent. 8unish"ent for

what, she still didn’t !now and $ae#eon would onl# tell her it was part of the reason that she (bugged’

her.

If she’d &ust tell me what it is, then I can fi'"

“M"". ;ower,” she heard herself order with so"ething rese"bling a half "oan, her thought utterl#

derailed as $ae#eon dragged her lips down to lac# constraints teasingl# and then bac! up.


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$ae#eon, of course, ignored her and continued doing as she pleased, which wasn’t necessaril# a bad

thing in $iffan#’s "ind. 2pen6"outhed !isses bac! up her nec! while hands s!i""ed up her sides was

not a bad thing at all. It beca"e een "ore en*o#able when $ae#eon’s thu"bs brushed the underside of

her suddenl# heaing chest and the other girl’s "outh "oed to nibble languidl# on her ear. )er "ind

beco"ing blan!eted b# ardor when $ae#eon suc!ed the lobe into her "outh, she urged $ae#eon’s head bac! in line with hers, see!ing $ae#eon’s lips and finding the" after first brushing against her nose and

then the corner of her "outh.

%he could tell she surprised $ae#eon with her forcefulness as she pushed her tongue into the other girl’s

"outh, clai"ing it *ust as $ae#eon had done hers. %he had alread# "apped the its interior before and so

she !new *ust what areas to con5uer first. &ntwining her right hand fro" $ae#eon’s hair, she lowered it

to $ae#eon’s stoc!ing coered !nee and idl# wal!ed her fingers upwards until her fingers found satin#

s!in. %he flattened her pal" against the fir" "usculature, sliding her hand upwards and teasing in asi"ilar "anner as $ae#eon had, using her fingers to push at the other girl’s s!irt before sliding her hand

awa#. $hen she repeated the act, s"iling inwardl# when it elicited a "uffled groan fro" $ae#eon and

the other girl roc!ed forward to tr# to force her hand higher.

1ot so fast. $his is payback since you had the nerve to tell me there was nothing about me you liked

enough to e'plore. !ven if it means denying myself too, I have every right to deny you what you want

as punishment $iffan# thought as $ae#eon roc!ed forward again, their !issing beco"ing a bit "ore

raenous on $ae#eon’s end because she !ept her hand still.

%uddenl#, as the thoughts of earlier eents filtered through her "ind, she reali-ed *ust how far off trac!

she had fallen fro" her original intentions not to succu"b to $ae#eon.

eali-ing it onl# now, she could see how thoroughl# she had been ensnared in $ae#eon’s web again.

'hat she was allowing to happen between the" was rising action headed towards an ineitable cli"a,

one born of their "utual appetite for each other. %he had let herself be swa#ed with ease b# $ae#eon’s

daring and do"inating behaior because she was the onl# one who the other girl acted that wa# with.

'ith her lac! of resistance to it, $ae#eon probabl# could’e *ust croo!ed her finger bac! in the

restroo" and she would’e been perfectl# content to allow herself to be pushed into a wall or so"e

other stabili-ing surface. After all, that had happened "ore than once before.

=eeling $ae#eon boldl# slide her hands up to her chest while she was distracted, she al"ost let herself

sin! bac! into the "o"ent, but forced herself to eert so"e t#pe of willpower to !eep her sanit#. /o


18/99

"atter how "uch she wanted to reel in the feel of spla#ed fingers and war" pal"s against her chest,

she couldn’t. 9efore she let things go an# further, she first needed to clarif# a few things with $ae#eon.

9ecause $ae#eon was the first person who "ade her want to learn so"ething new about her each da#

and the first she was scared to ad"it things to herself about, she couldn’t go into this halfwa# an#"ore.

=or a little while, she hadn’t "inded pretending the# were nothing to each other ecept suitor and

target, but that ti"e had long since passed. /ow she wanted "ore than these clandestine "eetings

between the". %he wanted to stop feeling as though she were the cat chasing after the elusie "ouse

who taunted her with near captures. %he wanted to be proprietar# and clai" eer# part of $ae#eon as

hers, especiall# the license to hold her hand. ather than being *ust two people who weren’t een reall#

friends but echanged "an# benefits, she wanted a real relationship with $ae#eon that had all the

strings attached.

=ocusing on those things wor!ed li!e a cold shower that da"pened, but didn’t etinguish, her desire.

;ifting one hand and untangling the other, she "oed her hands to cup $ae#eon’s face as she opened

her e#es, lightl# caressing the s"ooth chee!s before reluctantl# pulling her "outh fro" $ae#eon’s.

“'hat0 'h#’d #ou stop0” $ae#eon all but whined, a cross epression displa#ing her obious

displeasure. %he didn’t een lift her e#es fro" her lips, the stare "a!ing $iffan# feel a co"fortable

disco"fort in !nowing that $ae#eon desired her that "uch.

I don’t think she’ll like this, but I need to ask her. I’ve been holding it in, but I can’t any longer. I need

answers.

“9ecause we need to tal!.”

“8ani6ah, less tal! and "ore !issing, o!a#0”

“/ot until we tal!,” $iffan# said as fir"l# as she could, !eeping the 5uaer fro" of her oice when

$ae#eon te"ptingl# "oed her hands.

3oncentrate, $iffany. 3oncentrate. 0on’t you dare give in to her like you did earlier.

“Bo"e on, I haen’t !issed #ou all wee!. I don’t want to tal!,” $ae#eon replied a bit petulantl#, which

al"ost would hae been endearing if $iffan# weren’t tr#ing to hold a serious conersation with her.


19/99

“'ell, we’re going to. You’re not the onl# one who gets to "a!e decisions about what we do. Ma#be I

was all right with it before, but I can’t be an#"ore.”

“I’" sitting on #ou with "# s!irt wa# higher than school regulations allow, #our glorious bod# *ust

begging "e to do so"ething to it, and #ou’re as!ing "e to tal!0 %eriousl#0”

9lushing lightl# at $ae#eon’s bluntness, $iffan# nodded and receied a frustrated growl in response.

“$his had better be one hell of a tal!, 8ani6ah,” $ae#eon groaned before surging forward to plant a

lingering !iss on her "outh. %he !new it was the other girl’s wa# of showing her that the# weren’t

finished.

I suppose she’s really not going to like this, is she? $iffan# thought, as $ae#eon "oed her ar"s bac!around her nec! li!e the# had been at the start and then leaned bac! awa# fro" her to "eet her ga-e

s5uarel#.

“e"e"ber what I said about if #ou let "e fall,” $ae#eon gru"bled and $iffan# accordingl# "oed

her hands fro" $ae#eon’s face, slipping her ar"s around $ae#eon’s bac! securel#.

“You pro"ise not to get "ad at "e and seriousl# consider what I’" sa#ing0” she as!ed.

“'hat a" I0 A fie #ear old who’s going to throw a tantru" when #ou tell "e I can’t hae cand#0”

“/o, but so"eti"es #ou act li!e one and I’e seen #ou grow 5uiet enough to scare so"eone.”

“:”

“8ro"ise "e, $ae#eon6ah.”

“=ine. ;et’s hear it.”

“'hat I said earlier: about wanting #ou to leae: well, I lied. I didn’t want #ou to and !new #ou

weren’t going to. 2r, at least, I reall# hoped #ou wouldn’t. )oweer, I did "ean it when I said I’" not

going to bother to as! #ou out an#"ore. I wasn’t l#ing about that,” $iffan# began hesitantl#, feeling

unsure of what the potential outco"e of this conersation could be.


20/99

“:+eep going,” $ae#eon replied slowl# when she paused to gather her thoughts, her ar"s tightening

in their position.

*he’s not going to strangle me, right? I mean, I’ve had plenty of thoughts of doing that to her, but she

wouldn’t to me, right?“)onestl#, I: I reall# can’t do this with #ou an#"ore,” $iffan# ad"itted, watching $ae#eon’s e#es for

so"e hint of a telling reaction, but finding none. %he al"ost slu"ped in disappoint"ent, hoping to hae

at least seen so"e s"all bit of aniousness. =ear or non6ph#sical need see"ed to be *ust too "uch for

her to hope for though:

“Is this about "e turning #ou down in front of our class"ates0”

“$hat’s onl# a s"all part of the bigger picture. I told #ou I’" tired of being treated one wa# and thenanother when we’re alone. I disli!e the feeling of being controlled *ust because I feel that if so"eone

found out about us, #ou’d cut all ties. I don’t li!e the thought that #ou "ight *ust be to#ing with "e,

ta!ing what #ou want and not considering that #ou’re the first person I’e been this genuinel#

interested in.”

(ecause of that, wanting you as much as I do scares me, $aeyeon+ah. $ransparent as I feel I am when

in your arms, we’re both so opa-ue otherwise when it come right down to it. I know I can’t see through

you, but do you ever truly see through me at all?

“'hat0 /o, $ippani. I3” $ae#eon tried to cut in, but $iffan# wasn’t finished.

“%hut up and let "e tal! to #ou o!a#0 Just listen for now,” she ordered and $ae#eon grudgingl#

co"plied, her "outh twisting into a frown and brow furrowing.

ere goes nothing

“I don’t li!e that #ou chec!ed the hallwa# before leading "e here or that #ou probabl# "ade sure no

one was following #ou before #ou ca"e to find "e. It "a!es "e feel li!e #our hiding "e awa# and

there are so "an# possibilities as to wh# that it dries "e insane. I’" not een going to go into the

topic of #ou pretending #ou had neer !issed "e at Jessi’s part# and then suddenl# changing #our "ind

after I as!ed #ou out. I don’t understand that, but it’s not i"portant now. I *ust want #ou to:” $iffan#

trailed off, reali-ing that her words "ight co"e across as need# and that’s the last thing she wanted

$ae#eon to thin! of her as, een though she !new when it ca"e to $ae#eon that she was beco"ing


21/99

progressiel# "ore so.

“You *ust want "e to what, $ippani0 $ell "e.”

“I *ust want #ou to tell "e wh# I can’t be #our girlfriend or call #ou "ine. I don’t want to hear that bull#ou sa# in front of others. $ell "e wh# what we’re doing now is all that see"s to be between us. I

"ean, #ou find "e and this happens nearl# eer# ti"e. And sure, #ou’e called "e to "eet up outside

of school, but we alwa#s go to places out of the wa#. I’e gotten to eat dinner with #ou, hae gone to

the "oies and shopping with #ou, had #ou hold "# hand a few ti"es, and hae een cuddled with #ou

on #our couch that one ti"e #ou inited "e to #our apart"ent. I’e gotten to do those things with #ou

and seen the possibilit# of there being "ore, but those ti"es hardl# can be counted when I alwa#s feel

as though #ou’re loo!ing oer #our shoulder. 'hat would see" li!e dates to an#one else *ust don’t feel

li!e that with #ou,” $iffan# stated 5uietl#, reealing to $ae#eon things she had not brought up beforeand which she had failed to !eep her "ind free of.

“I: I *ust want #ou to tell "e what ga"e #ou’re pla#ing with "e because t#ing "# feelings up in #ou

and giing "e nothing in return ecept snea!ing around isn’t fair. Ciing "e false hopes that #ou care

and then in the net "o"ent "a!ing it see" as if all we hae is se, it hurts, $ae#eon6ah. %o tell "e

so"ething so that "a#be I can !eep doing this with #ou. $ell "e so"ething that will let "e !now that it

won’t alwa#s be this wa#. 9ecause if #ou want "e, then #ou hae to gie "e "ore than *ust #our bod#.

If #ou want an#thing between us, then #ou hae to gie "e so"ething "ore than stolen "o"ents.”

4lease tell me anything. $ell me you want to keep me to yourself. $ell me that you’re still working out

what you feel. ell, tell me I’m a nice person to mess around with, but not someone you would

introduce to your parents and that would be better than not knowing anything.

pectantl# waiting for $ae#eon to sa# so"ething in return, $iffan# watched $ae#eon’s e#es shift

rapidl# behind her glasses. %he couldn’t tell what was occurring within their depths and it worried her.

%he !new that people who said that the e#es were the windows to the soul were right, but when the

e#es #ou were peering into were clouded, then all #ou were reall# loo!ing at were dirt# windows that

hindered #our abilit# to see inside. It did nothing to help her anious "ind that $ae#eon’s epression

was now i"passie and gae her nothing to anal#-e.

“I: I don’t !now what to sa#, 8ani6ah,” $ae#eon finall# said and $iffan# loosened her hold on the

other girl.


22/99

I &ust told you what I want to hear from you and you don’t know? Are you really that dense? Are you

really not going to answer me, $aeyeon?

“If I: If I want #ou to tell "e that #ou feel so"ething "ore for "e and this isn’t *ust #ou scratching an

itch, can #ou tell "e that0 Ban #ou at least do that0 2r is it too "uch for #ou0”

“I: I en*o# being with #ou and I thin! we’re co"patible in "an# wa#s, but I’" not3”

“%6stop. I don’t want to hear. I changed "# "ind. @on’t tell "e.”

$his isn’t funny. After telling you how I feel, you call us ‘compatible’? What the hell kind of response is

that?

“/o, #ou don’t understand, 8ani6ah. I’" tr#ing to tel3”

“@on’t call "e that,” $iffan# bit out, her oice sharp as her sto"ach clenched and she tried to control

her e"otions.

What more could you tell me? If it was really anything I should listen to, then why begin it with a line

that has ended more relationships than it has started?

“9ut 8ani6ah, I3”

“I said don’t call "e that4” $iffan# eclai"ed and "ade to push $ae#eon off her lap.

I need to get out of here. I wanted you to tell me anything, but I’m not ready to hear it. I don’t want to if

it’s not 3an’t we &ust forget I asked?

“Yah4 'ait a second, $ippani. @on’t do that. ;et "e tal!. I3”

9uc!ing her legs in an effort to dislodge the other girl, $iffan# al"ost let herself feel worried when she

succeeded and $ae#eon #elped upon landing on the floor: but onl# for a "o"ent. %he hurriedl# stood

and began buttoning her shirt bac! up, not caring that she "issed a few holes in the process. %he turned

to reach for her est net and roughl# pulled it down oer her head, shoing her ar"s through the

proper holes, but stretching the "aterial out of place in her haste. )er hair was probabl# "essier than

she would eer nor"all# allow it when she was done, but how she loo!ed was the furthest thing fro"

her "ind as she grabbed her boo! bag and stuffed her bla-er inside, unintentionall# !noc!ing $ae#eon’s

*ac!et to the floor. $urning bac! around while slipping her ar"s through the straps, she saw that


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$ae#eon had gotten to her feet and was wincing as she "oed a hand behind her to her rear, her s!irt

uneen and glasses low on her nose.

$o think of my feelings for you you &ust made me glad I didn’t tell you. $o think that I may be"no, to

know that I’m in love with you I’m really glad I didn’t. (ecause what kind of fool would I have beenthen?

Claring at $ae#eon and swallowing the "iser# she felt, $iffan# too! a step awa# onl# to be stopped b#

a hand around her left wrist. %he tried to *er! free, but $ae#eon held it in a ice6li!e grip and inaded

her personal space as onl# she could. $urning her head awa#, she resisted when $ae#eon lifted her free

hand to her *aw and tried to turn her face towards her. %he "ight hae been able to glare at $ae#eon a

"o"ent ago, but she didn’t want to fall icti" to whateer the other girl’s epression "ight hold.

%he didn’t want to see $ae#eon’s e#es apologi-ing to her as she re*ected her this ti"e. %he didn’t wantto again not find the loe she wanted behind the". 9ut "ost of all, she didn’t want its absence to cause

her to appear an# wea!er than she had alread# "ade herself in front of $ae#eon.

“;et go.”

“$ippani, wh# won’t #ou listen to "e0 I3”

“@on’t call "# na"e. ;et go, $ae#eon.”

“I won’t. I listened to #ou, didn’t I0 I’" tr#ing to tell #ou that I !now I’" not go3”

“I said let go4”

$he wholl# dis5uieting sound of flesh "eeting flesh rent the air: and then there was silence.

%he had her desire granted, but $iffan# was aware that it was onl# because of the shoc! of the i"pact.

%he followed her right hand’s progress with her e#es as it dropped, loo!ing at the stinging appendage as

if it weren’t her own. 2nl# when it was bac! at her side did she lift her e#es towards $ae#eon, whose

glasses were een "ore out of place than before, the thin fra"es pushed to the side and nearl# hanging

off her face. $ae#eon slowl# raised a hand to her rapidl# reddening chee! and $iffan#’s e#es

inoluntaril# watered as the other girl loo!ed bac! to her with wide, stunned e#es. %o"ething deeper in


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their depths "ade her heart clench uneasil# and not being able to identif# it was *ust too "uch for her.

%o she ran.

%he ran and she didn’t !now it, but she was in her car and cr#ing against the steering wheel, cursing$ae#eon with eer#thing in her b# the ti"e $ae#eon "oed to fi her glasses. %he was fl#ing out of the

par!ing lot, "erging into the afternoon traffic b# the ti"e $ae#eon bent down to pic! up her fallen

bla-er. %he was hon!ing her horn at so"eone who cut her off b# the ti"e her forgotten pin! tie was

found and gingerl# poc!eted. And $iffan# was too far to hear it, was sitting at a light and pulling out

her phone to tell her friends that she needed the" b# the ti"e $ae#eon spo!e, a bro!en whisper

finishing what $iffan# hadn’t allowed her to sa#.


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Those Games We Play (Part II)

$wo months later

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

“%o0”

$ae#eon loo!ed up fro" the noteboo! she was doodling ai"lessl# in and s"iled as her best friend3and

often absentee roo""ate3set a st#rofoa" cup down in front of her. %etting the noteboo! aside, she

pic!ed up the stea"ing beerage, wordlessl# lifting it to her lips and ta!ing a sip. $he rich chocolat#

concoction was "issing the usual bitterness that ca"e fro" cocoa, which she attributed to the se"i6

dissoled "arsh"allows floating on its surface. ;ic!ing her lips after ta!ing another sip, $ae#eon set

the cup bac! down on the !itchen table and loo!ed up to find her friend staring searchingl# at her.

“'hat0 @o I hae so"ething on "# face or did #ou *ust reali-e how beautiful I a"0” $ae#eon as!ed,

hoping her 5uestion would shoc! her friend enough to "a!e the other girl stop loo!ing at her as she

was. %he felt unco"fortable under the intense ga-e, which was unusual for her.

“You hae "an# people willing to tell #ou that lie recentl# and let #ou beliee it. You don’t need "e to

feed #our ego.”

“Yah4 'h# can’t #ou *ust go with it0”

“I don’t want to. 2h, and if #ou did happen to hae so"ething on #our face, I3unfortunatel#3would

hae to tell because I don’t want people to thin! I associate with dirt# people,” %unn# added with

contried haughtiness.

“Yah4 ;ee %oon!#u4” $ae#eon retaliated, causing %unn# to press her tongue against the inside of her

chee! and narrow her e#es. %he chuc!led at %unn#’s action, as it was alwa#s a sign that her friend was

feigning irritabilit# at the use of her +orean na"e.

“+i" $ae#eon, I will set fire to all of #our things if #ou eer call "e that na"e again. 'e’ll hae a

loel# bonfire that no one will suspect "e of, so don’t tr# "e. /ow stop tr#ing to be cute and answer

"# earlier 5uestion,” %unn# threatened as she sat down across fro" her.

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3an’t she leave me alone about this? Why does she need to know the reason why? Aish. I’m finally

going to sing that song after her begging me for most of the past month, so why can’t she accept it

without a reason?

“It’s *ust a song, %unn#. I’ll record it li!e #our uncle and his producer friend re5uested, and then it will

be released as an 2%$ for an upco"ing dra"a. %ince it was chosen because the l#rics fit with dra"a’s plot, that’s wh# I’" willing to sing it now. $hat’s it,” $ae#eon eplained, "eeting %unn#’s e#es and

seeing the doubt within the".

“+i" $ae#eon, stop l#ing to "e. $hat song isn’t *ust an# song to #ou. You wrote it because $iffa3”

“%he has nothing to do with it, %unn#. %o drop it,” $ae#eon inter*ected, a frown settling on her lips at

the "ention of the na"e that had beco"e taboo around her two "onths ago.

“You do !now that not sa#ing her na"e and acting li!e she didn’t "ean an#thing to #ou isn’t health#

don’t #ou0”

“'ho said she "eant an#thing to "e0 %he was *ust a: *ust a casual fling to reliee the stress of

school,” $ae#eon 5uic!l# countered, al"ost cho!ing on the words: on the lie.

“$hat’s the biggest da"n lie I’e eer heard #ou tell, $aengoo, and #ou’e told so"e whoppers,” %unn#

retorted and $ae#eon scowled at the re"ar!, een though it was true.

“I’" not l#ing.”

5ightning’s going to strike me isn’t it?

“&huh.”

“I’" not.”

It’ll strike the same place twice.

“You’re protesting wa# too "uch for "e to beliee #ou. /ot to "ention that I’" wa# too accusto"ed

to #our l#ing in the past about an#thing to do with $iffany. ;et’s ea"ine so"e of #our bigger lies,

shall we0 )ow about that ti"e #our s!irt was torn (accidentall#’ and #ou told #our parents that #ou got

it caught in #our car door when #ou had to get it replaced0 You and I both !now er# well that that


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was $iffany’ s handiwor!. 2r how about the ti"e %oo#oungie saw #ou feeling her up at the "oie

theater her friend wor!s at and #ou clai"ed not to !now her0 %oo#oungie !new about #ou two alread#

and thought it was hilarious seeing #ou tr# to hide #our s"ile while #ou told her that $iffany was a

stranger who had tripped into #our lap and #ou were *ust helping her up. And (helping her’ had a whole

different connotation according to what %oo3”“%hut it, %oon!#u, before I "a!e #ou,” $ae#eon de"anded in a low growl, cutting the other girl off and

glaring fiercel# at her. %he didn’t reali-e that her hands had tightened around her cup or that %unn# had

noticed as she wor!ed to !eep the releant "e"ories repressed.

“I’d li!e to see #ou tr#,” %unn# re"ar!ed lightl# before her epression shifted into one of concern. %he

reached across the table to pr# her hands fro" the cup, then pulled it towards herself afterwards as she

"u"bled so"ething under her breath.

“'hat did #ou sa#0”

“I said I need to sae the cup fro" #ou because #ou’re ta!ing #our agitation oer $iffan# out on it.”

“'h# do #ou !eep tr#ing to force the point that she "eant so"ething to "e when she didn’t0” $ae#eon

as!ed tiredl#, bringing her hands together and lowering her ga-e to the table. “'h# can’t #ou *ust ta!e

"# word for it0”

Why do you have to be so persistent when I’ve been trying so hard to lie to myself? 5et me act like I’m

fine a little longer.

“9ecause I care about #ou and I hate !nowing that it was a "isunderstanding that bro!e #ou two apart.

I don’t li!e the fact that "# best friend now "as!s her feelings under an een denser la#er of

indifference than before. =ran!l#, I’" sic! of not sa#ing an#thing and letting #ou deal with it all

#ourself.”

“%unn#, I’" not "as!i3”

“Yes, #ou are. $aengoo, I hate seeing #ou in pain and tr#ing to hide it fro" "e. I hate seeing #ou

loo!ing so lost without her when I’e neer seen #ou this wa# before. You’e alwa#s been sure of what

#ou were doing and sure of #ourself until her. $he "o"ent she captured #our interest and things

between #ou started, howeer, she wrea!ed haoc on #our self6confidence in a wa# no one else has


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eer been able to or probabl# eer could. You3Aish. It doesn’t "atter if I tell #ou this now, does it0

9ecause #ou neer cared about her, right0”

“%unn#, I3” $ae#eon started again, but was 5uieted she lifted her e#es bac! to her friend and saw the

so"ber epression on her face.

“You’re telling "e I’" wrong, so I guess I hae been. I guess it was *ust "# i"agining that #ou felt

so"ething for her. I "ust’e i"agined the nights for the past "onth and a half where I’e co"e ho"e

and sat outside #our roo", worried because I thought I heard #ou tr#ing to "uffle the sounds of #our

pain and frustrations in #our pillow. I thought that song was written in a "o"ent where #our heart was

utterl# bro!en. I assu"ed things and hae been urging #ou to sing as a for" of release, but I won’t an#

longer since I !now now that #ou onl# see that song in connection to the dra"a,” %unn# said, pausing

to sha!e her head before she went on.

“/ot that it "atters to #ou, but !nowing now wh# #ou are willing to sing it *ust "a!es "e want to rip

the score to shreds, regardless of how furious "# uncle would be. 9ecause if #ou’re going to sing it

without an# "eaning behind it, I’d rather not hae to hear it at all and be re"inded of "# sill#

assu"ptions concerning #our feelings. 8ersonall#, I feel li!e #ou don’t desere to sing those l#rics if

#ou’e neer eperienced the condition of longing for so"eone that the# describe.”

*unny If I admit to you the true reason I’m willing to sing it now, can you tell me it will work? If I tell

you I plan to put everything I am into it, can you assure me that it will ease my heartache? If I stop

letting my lie protect me from what might be future hurt if nothing comes of it, can you promise me that

it will at least get her notice?

$ae#eon lifted a hand to her hair and pushed an errant loc! behind her ear, her fingertips brushing the

"etal of her glasses as she opened her "outh to spea!. $hen she closed it again, unsure of whether she

could reall# diulge eer#thing she had been feeling to her best friend, who she had been disclosing

less and less to recentl#. %unn# was the friend she trusted the "ost with her secrets, which was wh# the

other girl !new eer#thing that had happened that da# two "onths ago when $iffan# )wang hadn’t let

her eplain. $he girl across fro" her, whose e#es beseeched her to open up to her li!e she used to, was

the onl# person who !new the etent of her feelings for $iffan#. %he was the onl# one who trul# !new

*ust how "uch her self6doubt had cost her.

%o without further hesitation, she opened her "outh once "ore and let the words pour forth.


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“I could care less about "# song being used in that dra"a. I had no epectations for so"ething li!e that

to happen, especiall# since I had onl# sub"itted it to #our uncle for a grade because I had forgotten

about that co"position assign"ent we had a "onth ago. 'hen #our uncle and his friend approached

"e about it, wanting "e to sing it because the# felt I’d gie it "ore e"otional depth, I refused at first

because I didn’t want to sing it. I didn’t want to be re"inded of the "ista!es I "ade. 2f words I wantedto sa#, but had lost the right to. 9ut after another long da# #esterda#, I finall# agreed to because:

because it’s tiring to "iss her when she’s onl# a few steps awa#,” she reealed, alread# feeling a bit

lighter as she relied on her best friend once "ore.

“%o #our assu"ptions weren’t wrong. 'hen I sing it, there will be "eaning in it because "# agree"ent

was "e choosing not to waste the chance it could gie "e. en though she’s "ade it apparent that she

doesn’t want an#thing to do with "e an#"ore, I *ust want to hae the opportunit# to eplain to her.

$hrough "# song, I *ust want to be able to tell her that she did "ean "ore to "e. $hat she still does,een if those words are worthless to her now. I owe her that and "ore.”

!ven if I’m pretty sure she despises me, I &ust want to tell her. I &ust want to admit my stupidity to her

and if it somehow granted me a new start with her, then I’d find ways every day to atone for the

mistakes I made. If it convinced her come back to me, I’d never let her leave me again.

“%o #ou ad"it it now, that she was "ore to #ou than *ust a (fling’0”

“'h# are #ou as!ing a 5uestion #ou alread# !now the answer to0 You !now she is because I told

#ou. 2h, and b# the wa#, #ou should !now that #our atte"pt at reerse ps#cholog# reall# needs wor!.”

$ruthfully, the only thing you probably don’t know is why I acted fierce about you using her name. It’s

because I knew you’d use it anyway and I needed you to say it because I couldn’t say it myself. *he told

me not to

“%o #ou caught that, huh0”

“Yes, I caught #our failure to be subtle. It was prett# clear what #ou were doing when #ou started

tal!ing about how #our assu"ptions were wrong concerning "# feelings for $ippani.”

“'ell, I wasn’t reall# ai"ing for subtl#, so it sered its purpose. And it’s not $ippani, it’s $iffan#.

%eriousl#, $aengoo, how can #ou not een pronounce her na"e right0 %a# it with "eD $if6uh6nee.”


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“$ip6pa6ni,” $ae#eon "i"ic!ed, her brow furrowing when %unn# rolled her e#es. It wasn’t the first

ti"e %unn# had tried to correct her pronunciation, but she had neer tried er# hard at it since $iffan#

had see"ed to li!e the wa# she said it.

“$if6uh6nee.”

“$ip6pa6ni.”

“2!a#. 'hateer. I officiall# concede defeat oer getting #ou to call her b# her gien na"e.”

“I do call her b# her gien na"e. It *ust: has a twist.”

“A twist0 'ell, she "ust’e been o!a# with it if #ou !ept calling her b# it.”

“I thin! she was. I hope she was: And that she "ight be again,” $ae#eon responded, nostalgia and a

hint of wistfulness enco"passing her words.

“$aengoo:” %unn# trailed off, sighing lightl#. “en if she neer is, een if things don’t wor! the wa#

#ou want, at least #ou won’t regret not finding out if the last is a possibilit#. I !now this sounds

pessi"istic, but if nothing else, #ou’ll be proud of #ourself when #ou do get #our chance to eplain

properl#, as I’" sure #ou’ll be able to. Apologi-ing to her and letting her !now the truth "ight not

see" li!e enough now, but the# will co"fort #ou if things don’t go in #our faor. $he# "ight not erase

the pain #ou caused her or #our !nowledge of it, but the#’ll help #ou forgie #ourself. And I !now that

feeling regretful and tr#ing to forgie #ourself are part of the reason wh# #ou’e been hurting.”

“)ow is it that #ou can see through "e so well0”

ow is it that you always say what I need to hear?

“I’" ps#chic. ;ittle ghosts whisper in "# ears and tell "e all.”

“:”

“I’" *ust *o!ing, so stop loo!ing at "e li!e I’" cra-#.”


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“$hen be serious.”

“I was *ust tr#ing to ease the at"osphere a little since I thought it’d be prett# obious how I do. I "ean,

I’e !nown #ou since we were in diapers and didn’t !now we weren’t supposed to stic! to#s in our

noses, $aengoo. %o if I wasn’t able to do so"ething as si"ple as that, then #ou should feel er#worried. You !now I’" "ore perceptie than "ost.”

“)"":”

“)e#, I a". It’s li!e how #ou’e tried to tell "e eer#thing’s fine, that #ou’re o!a#, but I !now it isn’t

and that #ou aren’t. You’re words haen’t "isled "e because I hae two perfectl# good e#es and #ou

see" to hae forgotten that besides being #our roo""ate, I attend the sa"e school. %o een though

#ou haen’t been confiding in "e, I’e !nown.”

“I’": I’" sorr# for not tal!ing to #ou and for l#ing to #ou. I’e been doing a fair bit of that to "#self

too. It *ust hasn’t been wor!ing so well:” $ae#eon trailed off, the ghost of a wr# s"ile finding its wa#

to her "outh when %unn# nodded her head in understanding.

“I wouldn’t epect it to. $r#ing to lie to #ourself when feelings are inoled neer does.”

“%o"eti"es I al"ost wish it would, but then I can’t let it because that "eans forgetting about her and

I’" not #et read# to.”

I know I need to be ready, but I can’t until no other option remains. 6ntil I’ve told her what I want to

say and she turns me away knowing the truth, I can’t.

“I !now #ou aren’t. It’s wh# I’e been so worried about #ou as of late and a bit of wh# I pestered #ou

about the song. %o tell "e honestl# how #ou’e been feeling, since I’ll no longer accept fine as an

answer. $rust "e with "ore of that weight #ou’e been straining under because #ou !now I’ll bother

#ou until #ou do,” %unn# replied, ca*oling her to do so with her persistent, #et eas# "anner.

“$ired. 'ishful. =rustrated. 'ith her still brushing "e off when I tr# to tal! to her and ignoring "#

calls, I can c#cle through all three of those e"otions wheneer either eent happens. $hat’s not to

"ention feeling thwarted when her two guards ta!e turns glaring at "e wheneer I approach. )alf the

ti"e I feel li!e I’" on the erge of losing "# right to lie because of the glares I get fro" Jessica6sshi


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especiall#.”

“'ell, what can #ou epect0 /either of the" !now an#thing so of course the# feel protectie of their

friend. If the roles were reersed, I’d probabl# glare at $iffan# the sa"e wa#.”

“I !now. It’s wh# I don’t fault her for it. I *ust wish she would let "e get a little closer to $ippani. 9ut

neer"ind that. en when Jessica6sshi and Yuri6sshi aren’t present, nothing "uch changes. Instead of

being glared at b# the", I’" *ust ignored co"pletel# while haing to watch her being hung onto b# her

tra"3I "ean, girl of the wee!. $hen, besides the other e"otions, I’" also resentful and *ealous. It

upsets "e to feel li!e she’s reall# "oing on and forgetting "e, een though I’" al"ost certain those

girls "ean nothing to her. )onestl#, the worse thing about it all is her acting li!e I don’t eist: as if we

were nothing to each other at all.”

“'ithin reach, but out of it. Just li!e how #ou probabl# see"ed to be to her. It’s a painful feeling of

d?*E u, isn’t it0”

$ae#eon shut her e#es and nodded, re"e"bering how tor"ented and nu"b she had felt when $iffan#

had told her how each of her actions "ade her feel. ecalling the anguish she had unintentionall# been

the cause of, she felt li!e a *er! of the highest order een now. %he had to be for her not to hae reali-ed

*ust how "uch she had been hurting $iffan# until it had 5uite literall# struc! her in the face. $he

!nowledge of the da"age she had wrought on the sincerit# $iffan# had spo!en of that da# and that she

hadn’t full# reali-ed until then still struc! her harder than an# ph#sical blow could.

$hat’s what I can’t forgive myself for. 7ealiing too late that she actually wanted a relationship with me

and leading her to believe I didn’t want the same. 5etting her even think that everything between us

was about se' and meant nothing to me was my mistake. #rom the start, never telling her what that

first kiss was without a doubt the first of many

Inwardl# sighing, $ae#eon allowed her "ind to dele into thoughts of the first ti"e she had !issed

$iffan# )wang.

It had been no accident on her part because een though she had been slightl# inebriated, she hadn’t

done an#thing she hadn’t thought of before. $he alcohol had loosened her inhibitions, but she would

not hae acted if she hadn’t wanted to. %he had "erel# ta!en the opportunit# presented to her that night

at the part# si "onths ago when she had seen $iffan# wae off her date and go into the !itchen. %he


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had *ust wanted to !now what it was li!e, een though she had not intended to pursue $iffan# further. It

was *ust that at that point, she had been tired of watching eer#one else fawn oer the girl she had held

a secret regard for since their first class together the #ear before.

$he# "ight hae had the sa"e "a*or, but it hadn’t been until that adanced "usical theor# class thatshe had actuall# eer seen $iffan#. 2f course, she !new the na"es and gossip about the three

(goddesses’ of their schoolD Jessica Jung, $iffan# )wang, and +won Yuri, but she had been too focused

on her classes to gie the" "uch notice. %haring a class with $iffan# for a se"ester, howeer, had

changed that. %he had naturall# found out "ore about all three of the", but it had been her coert

obserations during class that had fostered her growing interest in $iffan# specificall#.

=ro" the beginning, she had been loo!ing at $iffan# as a girl who captured her attention and hadn’t

been onl# seeing the title bestowed upon the other girl b# their peers. $hat $iffan# had been blessedwith an ethereal sort of beaut# had been "ostl# irreleant to her because while she appreciated it as

"uch as the net person, she wasn’t shallow enough onl# to loo! at eternal appearances. $o her, outer

appearances were *ust a distraction, one that so"eti"es entangled all of one’s focus and "ade the"

forget that there was "ore to a person than what the# loo!ed li!e. %o for her, it had been $iffan#’s

unassu"ing intelligence, faultless co"passion, endless char", a"using stubbornness, sporadic naiet?,

eer6present confidence, and a plethora of other traits that she had ad"ired. An# defects in the other

girl’s character had si"pl# been dee"ed insignificant because what else could she do but accept the"

when she was flawed as well.

$iffan# had been3and still was3eer#thing that she was certain she wanted in a significant other. $he

other girl had beco"e her ideal without her eer haing spo!en with her and while that "a# hae

see"ed odd to so"e, it hadn’t been to her. $iffan# had been so genuine to those around her that she had

!nown instinctiel# that she wasn’t wrong in her opinion of her. It was probabl# because of that

"indset that when innate bossiness and fier# te"per had to be added to the list of $iffan#’s

characteristics, she had easil# accepted the" and li!ed the other girl a little "ore for the".

/ot that she had needed an#thing to add to what she had felt for $iffan# before an#thing had eer

happened between the". 5ike probabl# wasn’t an a"ple enough ter" to describe how she had felt

because it had not been what had "ade her heart still when $iffan# had cornered her a few da#s after

that part#. It "ight hae been part of the reason, but it wasn’t enough to eplain how her heart restarted

when $iffan# had spo!en to her for the first ti"e. /or could it full# eplain the sheer elation she had


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felt oer $iffan# see!ing her out when she hadn’t thought she would. %he had thought that "a#be

$iffan# would *ust "ar! her down as a casual encounter, but instead the other girl had found her to

5uestion her and she couldn’t hae been happier, een when she !new she shouldn’t hae been.

)indsight in her case was definitel# twent#Ftwent# because she !new now that she should hae told

$iffan# eer#thing then. %he should hae told her the reason wh# she !issed her. %he should hae told$iffan# how she felt about her. %he should hae told $iffan# all her ridiculous insecurities and fears.

%he should hae reealed eer#thing, but she hadn’t. Instead, fro" that "o"ent on, she held bac!

when she shouldn’t hae.

)er reason for at first den#ing the !iss was not an unco"plicated one. %i"ple on the surface but

tee"ing with co"pleities beneath, it had been because she had been alar"ed at her audacit#.

8er"itting herself a taste had been too "uch when she !new eer#thing had a rightful place and hers

was not at $iffan#’s side. $iffan# was one of the (goddesses’ of their school and $ae#eon could notden# that she had slowl# built a pedestal for her to rial the one their peers had alread# eleated her to.

%he had raised $iffan# aboe all others and in her "ind, she had no right to aspire for $iffan# to be

hers. $iffan# desered so"eone far better, so"eone on the sa"e leel as her, and she had coninced

herself with that argu"ent before she had eer had the nere to !iss her.

)oweer, the first ti"e $iffan# as!ed her out, her coniction had been discarded li!e #esterda#’s *un!

"ail.

=oolishl# she had thought, as clich? as it was, that she could hae her ca!e and eat it too. %he had

needed to !eep her distance, but she had wanted $iffan#. %he had been afraid that if she let the

unforeseen chance to be with $iffan# go, then it would not co"e again. It was selfishness on her part,

but she had been unwilling to ris! $iffan#’s interest "oing on to an#one else een if it would be better

for her. Cirls li!e $iffan# could hae an#one the# wanted, so she was sure $iffan# would hae no

proble" finding so"eone else and neer loo!ing bac!. At least, that’s what she told herself as etra

incentie to go through with her brilliant plan to be with $iffan# while !eeping herself detached so she

didn’t get hurt when the (right’ person for $iffan# did co"e along.

$he co""ence"ent of her grand sche"e had inoled publicl# rebuffing $iffan#’s adances. $urning

$iffan# down had been the onl# wa# to ensure that no one associated her with the other girl be#ond the

contet the# bore witness to. 'hile she could sa# it had been about protecting $iffan#’s reputation and

not wanting an#one(s estee" for the other girl to decrease, neither of those things were the "ain

reason. $hose "otiations were in consideration of $iffan#, but it had been an oerwhel"ing desire to


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spare herself that had been i"petus behind her ad"ittedl# poor decision.

%he had been selfish, haing felt incapable of otherwise co"bating the fear that plagued her. 2f all the

things she could dread, it was the thought of an#one telling her to her face that she was inade5uate, that

she didn’t "atch with $iffan#, that had troubled her. $hose were the words she had least wanted to hear because she was aware that if she couldn’t fulfill her own epectations of what $iffan# desered, then

she would neer be able to satisf# an#one else’s. $herefore, it had been i"portant not to show an#

outward indication of her true interest in $iffan#.

Geiled b# the i"age of aloofness she had gained oer the #ears, lac! of confidence in her own worth

and cowardice had both been considerable factors inoled in her plan to be with $iffan# for as long as

she could.

easons behind her re*ections aside, she could onl# i"agine where she would be now if she had been

unable to persuade $iffan# to go along with her proposed act bac! then. &ntil the actual "o"ent she

had to, she had onl# had a faint idea of how she could conince the other girl to pretend the# weren’t

ac5uainted with each other. After all, conincing so"eone to "a!e a fool of herself was not a si"ple

tas!. %o it had been with trepidation that she had gone after $iffan# the first ti"e she re*ected her, when

the other girl had stor"ed off in what had been3in her biased opinion3an utterl# adorable rage.

%he wasn’t sure what had "ade her do it considering the wrathful glare $iffan# had sent her wa# upon

noticing that she had followed her into the librar#, but she had goaded her until it had see"ed li!el#

that she would either wal! awa# or attac! her in a fit of aggraation. 2nl# then had she "ade her "oe,

!nowing that there was nothing and no one on $iffan#’s "ind but her. %la""ing $iffan# against a

boo!shelf, she had roughl# fastened her "outh to hers, deter"ined to "a!e a lasting i"pression if she

hadn’t before. %he had ta!en thorough adantage of $iffan#’s surprise with !nowledge gained fro"

bu"bling eperiences of the past and it hadn’t been long until the 5uietest corner of the librar# had lost

a bit of its silence.

Afterwards, as she helped pic! up the boo!s !noc!ed off the sheles because of her bit of iolence, she

had been etre"el# proud of the disorientated epression on $iffan#’s face. )er ego had been satisfied

b# it, especiall# since the# had gone no further than !issing3well, "a#be there had been a fair a"ount

of groping on her part, but it had "ostl# been !issing. Mur"uring lest the# be oerheard an# "ore than

the# no doubt had been before, she had been flirtatious as she used their recent ph#sicalit# to get


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$iffan# to agree that it would be "ore fun if no one !new about the". 'ith so"e etra (persuasion’ to

!eep the other girl off !ilter, she had coninced $iffan# and had continued to do "uch of the sa"e to

ensure their tr#sts re"ained a secret.

$hen, two "onths into the farce she couldn’t een call a relationship, $iffan# had hugged her fro" behind while she was -ipping her s!irt bac! up and told her that she didn’t want the" to be a secret

an#"ore.

en though that ad"ission of wanting to openl# and seriousl# date her had been "ade, howeer, she

hadn’t let herself beliee in it. It had stunned her because through her own actions, all she could beliee

in was the fact that $iffan# ph#sicall# desired her. $o thin! the other girl wanted "ore had been

inco"prehensible. Moreoer, she had still belieed onl# the best was worth# of $iffan# and it certainl#

wasn’t her. %o she hadn’t let herself thin! too "uch of it, "

Those Games We Play

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Transcript of Those Games We Play