Thor in Minnesotaretts.net/documents/Thor_in_Minnesota.pdfpurge was already well under way. All...

Thor in Minnesota

heweathergodsdon'tlikealltheattentionpeoplepaytoscience.Theyappreciatethe

fewleftwhostillworshiptheoldgods,andfailingthat,EvangelicalChristians,whoat

leastdescribeinclementweatheras"God'sWill."Climatechangedeniersarewelcomein

Valhalla.ThorandhisminionsarefranklyoffendedeverytimeabunchofPh.D.sand

weathermangettogetheratsomeinternationalcongressandtrytoconvinceagroupof

politiciansthatweatheristhemeremortals’ownfault,thatthevariouselementsofcarbon

dioxide,particulatematter,andtoxicwasteareconspiringtooverturncenturiesofbeliefin

higherpowerswhocouldsimplyclaporsneezeastormintobeingwiththeirmeredesire.

It'salltrue,ofcourse.Thingsaregettingoutofcontrol.Foreveryhorrendouselectricalice

stormThorlaunchedfromtheheavens,foreverytsunamiPoseidonhurledacrossthesea,

foreventhewhirlwindsZeuswhippedfromtheheavens,ahundredormorecouldbe

blamedonlyonthepettyhumanstriflingwiththeirownenvironment.Whenwasthelast

timesomebodyhadevenbotheredtosacrificeagoat,muchlessavanquishedcaptive,in

thenameofThor?Theystillmadecomicbooksandfilms,sure,buteventhosesat

orphanedonthenewsstandsandbombedattheboxoffice.AndthereinDuluthsatanevil

mastermindinfectedwiththespiritofLoki,daringtowriteandinspireamovementof

writers,makinglightoftheweather,writingstrangeandinsulting,crypticlittlestoriesto

insulthim,tomakeofthedivinepowerofweatheraplaythingfortheirlittletapping

fingers.ThorflewintoaragethelikesofwhichMinnesotanicewasunfamiliarwith.The

skiesclappedwithfuryandthewindswhippedlikescreamingharpies.Treeswere

uprootedandwentcrashingintodomiciles.Theirpowerwouldbeshornawayandthey

wouldsitinheatfordayswithoutlight,withoutcomfort.Ha!Mr.Rob,whereisyourimpish

smilenow?Triflewiththegods!Feelmyanger!Thereisonlyonewhocansaveyoufrom

this,andhisnameisTHOR.Begformyforgiveness.Writemynameonthesideofyour

"skyscrapers"andcasinos.THORistheleader!THORisthepower.Saymyname.

—ScottRettberg,July23

T

2 fromMonstrousWeatherNetprov2016

A Man Needs a Goat

ello?Hi!HimynameisRobWittigandI'mcallingtoaskifyou,ifyouever,um,sell

yourgoats?Imeanlikeaftertheygettoooldtoproduceusablemilk?We'rebigfans

ofyourcheese,bytheway,wegetitintheDuluthco-op.Yeah!You'rewelcome.

Yes.

Yes,Iknow.

Yep.YeahIactuallyhavesomeexperiencewithgoatswhenIwhenIwasakid.

That'sright!Yeah,Ionlyletonegetbehindmeonce!Thatwas,thatwasenough.

Yeah,toughfencingforsureyeah.

Yeah,theycan,theycandig,actually,actuallywe,wearen'tgoingtobekeepingit,

keepingitthatlongactually.

Yep,prettymuchrightaway.

Yeah,weknowwhattodowithit.Kindofa,kindofatraditionalScandinavianthing,

butchering,traditionalNorwegianthing.

Monday,Mondayafter,afternoon?OK.Three-ish?

OK.

No,nothanksthepricedoesn'tmatter.Weprettymuchgotta,gottadothisnomatter

what.

OK,thanks!Thanksbye!

—RobWittig,July23

H

ThorinMinnesota 3

A Goat’s-Eye View

obodyasksgoatsaboutthesethings.What'sawashedupthundergodgoingtodo

withananimalcarcass,anyway?Asalivegoat,Icouldgivehimmilk,yogurt,

cheese.Hecouldwatchmefrolic.I'mevenwillingtoeatatincan(actually,justthepaper

label,andonlyasajoke).Icouldeatweedsinhisyard,whichisuseful.Doeshehavea

yard?WhatamIdoing?It'snotlikehewillaskmeforinput.Aguyisgoingtokillme.Thor

willtakemymeat.Maybemake"his"chili(whichhegotoffawebsite)forhisAsgardian

friends.Nextweek,ifhe'slucky,someothergoatwillgetkilled.Butitwon'tmakealickof

difference.Theweatherwillkeepchanging.Peoplewillkeepcheckingforweather

updates,hopingtomakeitallchangedifferently.IwishIcouldtalk.Butnobodyever

listenstogoats.

—DavinHeckman,July23

N


About the Thunder

obodyasksgoatsaboutthunder.Theweatherwillkeepchanging.Peoplewillkeep

checkingforweatherupdates,hopingtomakeitallchangedifferently.Iwroteaphd

dissertationonthequantumaspectsandfluiddynamicsofchaoticsystemandthe

atmosphereasafluxmodel.Ievenmademyownchartsanddiagramsasanimationsand

augmentedrealityappstoprovemymostcogentpoints.Ievendidmathematicalmodels

forthecausalitieswithinthingslikerainsoffrogsandwaterspoutsandoflightning

distributioninhurricanesbeingagainstcommonassumptionsandthefirstdeeptextual

analysisoflightningtiedtothemagnetosphere.

butnooooooooooooooooooooodon'tlistentome...Iamjustagoat.....

—JeremyHeight,July23

N

ThorinMinnesota 5

A Most Sincere Sacrifice

HOR!"Rob,shirtless,criedoutintothethunderstormandthelightningsplittingthe

heavensabove."Idothisinyourname!"

"Sorry,oldBillygoat."Hewhispered,"sorrymyfriend."Thegoatwhinnied,asif

understanding."IdothisforMinnesota."

RobswungthemacheteswiftlyinamovementhehadstudiedinTaiChi,"TheWind

SweepsthePlumBlossoms"andseveredtheheadoftheanimalfromitsneckwithone

gracefulcoupdegrace.Theheadlessgoatstoodforamoment,torrentsofbloodspouting

fromthestemandsplatteringRob'sbarechestinscarletplasma.

"THOR!"Hecried."Acceptmyoffering!SpareDuluth,Ibegofyou!"

Tearsstreameddownhischeeksashefelltohiskneesinthebloodiedmud,asthe

lightningflashedinthecloudsandtheraincontinuedtofuriouslypelthisflesh.Theanimal

fellonitssideandRobfellprostate,cheekinmud,weepingintherain.

* * *

Röskvarubbedhisshoulders,sorefromcastinglightningboltsandrollingthunder.Shefed

himgrapesandhoneyedmeadandtriedtosoothehiswoundedego.

"I’mnotthegodIusedtobe."

"Thor,youarestillmightyandpowerful."

"Iusedtobeabletodothatinmysleep.Ittakesalotoutofmenow."

"Youyetelectrifythefleshofman."

"Theydon'trespectme.Thereisnorespect.PerhapsIhavegonethewayofthe

dinosaurs."

"T


"Yousingle-handedlyslaughteredthedinosaurs,mightyThor!"

"Iknow,Iknow,right?AndnowIhavetroublesustainingevenamiddlingstormin

Duluth!"

"Iwillrubandsootheyou."

"Ifonlytheylovedmeliketheyusedto!"

Þjálfiburstintothecloudchamber.

"MightyThor!Theyhaveofferedagoat!Tasteitsblood!"

Thortookasipfromthechalice.

"Notbad."

"TheRobmanslewitjustmomentsago."

"Asinglegoat?"

"Asincereoffering,sire."

"Whataboutthebuildings?Didtheyputmynameonthetallones?"

"Sorry,mightyThor.Thathasnotyetbeen—"

"Arrrrgh!"ThorletoutascreamthatlittheskyfromMinneapolistoDuluth."Iwill

showthemthefuryofTHOR!Minnesotawillcryoutinpainanddrowninsorrows!"

"ButThor,mightyThor.Ibegofyou,acceptthissacrifice."

"Agoat?Onegoat?WhywouldI?"

"Errr—tobehonest,Thor,weneedtokeepMinnesotaonourside.You'repolling

verywellthereandtobefrankwithyou,thereareveryfewregionsthatstillhavesomany

believers."

ThorinMinnesota 7

"THEBUILDINGS!MYNAME!ONTHEM!"

"Wehaveanotherplan,onethatwillincreaseyourmarketshare.Wehavea

tremendousplan.Fantastic.Absolutelyfantastic.Throughtheroof.Butpleaseletupon

Duluth."

"Alright,alright.Tellmeaboutthisplan."

“Thereisanother…”



A False Sighting

hmygosh,Ithinkthat'stheMightyThor!"

"Iknow,right?Thatblondehair,thosemuscle!"

"No,Imean,seriously,Thor!Thegodofthunder!"

"OK?"

"Didn'tyouhearhim?Iheardhimtalkingtooneofthecashiers.Hesaid,'I'mMighty

Thor!"

"Sure,inDuluth.TheNorsegodofthunder,walkingaroundTarget."

"Wedidjusthavethosestorms.Couldbe.Lookathim.IfhelookslikeThorandsays

he'sThor….."

"Eitherthatorhe'sondrugs.Whynotjustgoandaskhimyoucanhelphim.Helooks

lost."

"OK."

"Excuseme,sir.Icouldn'thelpbutnoticeyou.CanIhelpyoufindsomething?"

"Why,yethyoucan.Ibitmytongueandamlookingforthomeathpirinoribuprofen

orthomethingforthepain.I'mmightythore."

—DavinHeckman,July24

"O

ThorinMinnesota 9

A Tremendous Surge of Hope and Safety for America, First

Feb 1, 2017, 4 PM

Washington D.C.

heeeeee!Thepeople.”PresidentTrumpspunaroundinhisnewswivelchair

andsettledintothepolarbearskindrapedoveritsback,agiftfromVladimir.

Elevendaysintohisadministrationandthingswerealreadygoingfantasticallywell.The

purgewasalreadywellunderway.AllpoliticalappointeesfromtheObamaerawerebeing

washedoutofthesystemiftheyrefusedtotaketheloyaltyoathandthepolygraph.

EventheWhiteHousestaffwasbeingcleansedoftoxicelements,andallthenew

hiresonlyhelpedtoprovehewasn'taracist.HehadblacksallovertheplaceintheWhite

House—inthekitchencookingthefood,butlersinthehallway,maidsinthebathrooms.He

hadMexicans—good,legitimateMexican-Americanswithpapers,tendingtothegardens.

HehiredinItalian-Americanelectriciansandinteriordecorators,Polish-American

plumbers.Theywereinstallingmarblesinkswithgoldfaucetsinallthebathrooms,granite

tilesinthehallways,zebraandleopardskinpatternedwallpaper(Melania'ssuggestion,

verynice,veryclassy)intheLincolnbedroom.Hehadagaysecretaryatreceptionand

lesbiansecurityguardsatthegate.NeverletitbesaidagainthattheDonaldwasaracist.It

wasarainbowcoalitioninhere.HeappointedaJewheadofTreasuryandsomekindof

Asian-American—awomanatthat—toCommerce.Hehadmadeapointofappointinga

TrumpUniversitygraduatetotheDepartmentofEducation,andhewasdoingvery

importantworkthere,dismantlingthefederalgrantprogramsandsettingupavoucher

programformail-orderuniversities.

Thedomesticagendawasgoingfantasticallywell.Hewasjustbackfromtheborder,

wherethedigginghadbegun.Itwasalreadyamassiveandgrowingerection.Agoodfriend

hadwonthecontractandaTrumpsubsidiarywassupplyingthecement.Itwasan

outstandingdealandhewouldmakeabundleonit.Hehadsignedanexecutiveorderand

theywereintheprocessofre-openingEllisIslandandinstallingwaterboardsforthe

immigrationtests.

“W


Inawayhestillcouldn'tbelievehisluck.Allthehurricanesandfreakstormsin

AugustandSeptember,theparalyzedandweakresponseoftheObamaadministration

(SAD!),themassivepoweroutages,thecontinuousterroristattacks.Ithadallplayedinto

hishand.ThelastthingAmericaneededwhenthingswerelikethiswascrookedHillary,a

womanandlapdogtoawisecrackingprofessor,intheOvaloffice.HecalledtheNATO

troopsbackfromtheiroverseaspostsandhadthemsandbaggingandpatrollingthestreets.

Hedidn'tevenblinkwhenVladimirmassedtroopsatthePolishborder.Theyshouldhave

paidtheirbills.ItwasagooddayintheOval.Justonethingwasmissingtopolishitalloff.

"Christie!"bellowedTrump.TheSecretaryofTransportationdidmostofhiswork

fromasmallwoodendeskoutsideoftheOval,wherehecouldstilltakecareofsmall

errands.

"GetMelaniadownhere.TellhertowearoneofthoselacyredFrenchnumbers.And

tellhertobringavibrator.IwanthertotwiddlemyarseholeasIfinish."

TheformergovernorofNewJerseyscarfeddownthelastbiteofhischocolatedonut

andwipedhishandsonhissuit,thepig.

"Rightaway,Donald."

"Mr.President,Christie.Don’tyouforgetthat.Andlosesomeweight.Jesus."


ThorinMinnesota 11

A Storm Surge of Pure Genius and Fear

residentTrumpbitdownonthelittlebluepill,unzippedhistrousers,andawaitedhis

blushingbride.HespentamomentfeelingmorallysuperiortoBillClinton.Whileone

couldnotdenytheseductivepoweroftheOvalofficeandeverypolitician'sfantasyof

takingaloverontheResolutedesk,Trumphadnoneedforinternsorcigars.Hewasa

marriedman,andhewasmarriedtoawomanwhofromtheget-gohadwillinglycateredto

hiseverydesire.Asupermodel.Hepridedhimselfonsupermodels,healwayshad,amanof

greatcharm,amanofgreatwealth.Hehadnevermarriedadog,notonce.Anditwasa

moralthingabouttobedonehere,athingwithfamilyvalues.Hefeltasurgeofpower

coursingthroughhim.Outsidetheoffice,amancarriedafootball,andTrumphimselfhad

thenuclearcodes,thefinalkeys.Hefeltthesupplementbeginningtotakeeffect,"Wewill

rise,America"hemutteredtohimself,"wewillrise!"

BynowMelaniashouldbechangedandreadyforravishment.TheSecretService

shouldbeescortingherfromtheEastWinganddowntheelevator.Shewouldstartright

here,undertheResoluteand,afteranappropriateinterval,hewouldpositionheruphere,

hewouldliftherskirts...hetappedhisfingersonthedesk,growingimpatient,andhiseyes

scannedoverthearchitecturaldrawingsonhisdesk,theplansfortheexpansionof

Guantanamo.Sixstoriesofcagesstackedontopofoneanother,aten-foldincreasein

capacity.Thiswasgood,butitbotheredhimabittohavetosqueezeitallinlikethat.He

shouldn'thavetorelyonhissharply-honedskillsasareal-estatedeveloperjusttofitthe

prisonersonapostagestamp.Thenitcametohiminaflash.TheArtoftheDeal.His

LyndonB.Johnsonextendedwithhislateststrokeofgenius.

Thedooropened.HepreparedhimselfforhisAmazonianqueen.

"Mr.President!Daddy!Weneedtotalk."

HescrambledtozipupandturnedroundtowardsthewindowsasIvankaTrump,

WhiteHouseChiefofStaff,enteredtheroom.Headoptedaposehehadpracticedmany

timesduringhiscampaign,chinjuttingout,breastpigeonedforward,handsclaspedbehind

hisback,staringoffintothedistanceasifcontemplatingseriousmattersofstateand

P


diplomacy.Heturnedslowly,positioninghimselfbehindthepolarbearskinsothathis

daughterwouldnottakenoticeoftheWashingtonMonumentconcealedbehindit.

Justthen,Christiecamein,trailingMelaniainhighheelsandawhiteminkcoat.My

god,themilkycleavage—hewaslookingforwardtothatmeeting.Heputhisfingertohis

lipsandthenwavedthemout.IvankaraisedaneyebrowandDonaldtriedtoconvertthe

gestureintoamoveasifheweredustingsomethingoffhislapel.

"Ivanka,mydear,youlookabsolutelystunning.Whataknockout!Andsosmart.So,so

intelligentandpoised.Youaresomething.Isn'tshesomething?"TheSecretServiceagent

trailingbehindhernoddedlightly.

"Ivanka,I'mgladyou'rehere.Ihavejusthadanoutstandingidea.AFOREIGNPOLICY

idea—"

"Daddythere'sateensybitofacrisisweneedtoaddress—"

"CUBA!NotjusttheGuantanamoexpansion,theWHOLEISLAND.NowVladimiris

massingtroopsontheUkrainianborderwithPoland—"

"That'sprobablyjustposturing."

"HewantsPoland.He'stoldmeasmuch.AndfranklyIdon'tgivetwoshitsabout

Poland.Butwecan'tjustGIVEhimPolandandgetnothinginreturn,canwe?AndI'm

thinkingaboutthisanditoccurstome,CUBA!I'llrecoverCUBA.I'llbethefirstAmerican

PresidentinmodernhistorytoliberateCUBAfromthecommunists.Andthinkaboutthe

value,thereturnoninvestment,thebeachfronthotelsalone—"

"Daddy,payattention.Thisisimportant.Wehaveacrisisonourhands!"

"Ok,ok,Ivanka.Whatisit?Isityouroffice?Yourlimo?Icangetyouabetterone,do

youwantapinkone—"

"No,Daddy.It'stheweatheragain.We'vegotsomebigstormscomingin.Severalof

them.REALLYbigstorms."


ThorinMinnesota 13

Subasgardian Homesick Blues

horalwaysconsideredhimselftobethegodofthecommonman.Whilemanyofother

immortalsinAsgardhadlittletimeforthehumansofMidgard,Thoroftenmadethe

journeyfromthefortressofAsgard,downthroughtheskies,tocastlightningwithhis

silverhammerMjöllnir,crackingthesky,rollingthunder,andblessingthehumanswith

rain,which,togetherwithhislovelywifeSif,goddessoffertility,helpedmakepossible

bountifulcropsandprosperity.AndfromthetimeoftheGermanictribesuntiltheglorious

heightoftheVikingage,ThorwasworshippedandrespectedfromRometoUppsala.

Thorwasthestrongestofthegods,andthegodofsafetyandsecurity.Whenthe

giantslaunchedtheirattacksonAsgard,whowasthereatthewallstoprotectthegods?

OnlyThor.Streamingthroughthecloudsinhisgoat-drawnchariot,Thorsmotemanya

giantwhosearrogancesoughtraisethembeyondtheirplace.Ifnotknownforhiswit,Thor

wasnotguileless,asillustratedbythetimehetravelledtoJotunheimdressedasabride,to

retrievehisstolenhammerfromThrym.WhenThrym,thinkingThortobeFreya,pulled

backtheveiltokisshisstolenbride,Thorsnatchedbackhishammerandsmashedthe

giant'shead,alongwiththoseofalltheweddingguests.Thoughhewasnotfondofcross-

dressinginageneralsense,Thorwouldstopatnothingtoprotecthisfellowgodsandto

keepthegianthordewhichconstantlythreatenedtheirbelovedanddivinekingdomatbay.

Ifhewasnotsocleverinhisownright,Thoralwaysknewtosurroundhimselfwiththe

bestofadvisors,andwhenHeimdallconceivedofdressingasabridetoregainhishammer,

Thorswallowedhisprideandfollowedthroughwiththeplan.

Strength,security,power,compassion.Lovedbywife,mistress,children,minionsand

companions,Thorwasatrueleader.DuringtheVikingAge,worshipoftheThundergod

surpassedeventhatofOdin,andforabout300yearshehadafantasticrun,bothin

MidgardandintheKingdomofthegodsabove.Sadly,around1080orso,asChristianity

tookholdacrosstheVikingkingdoms,Thorsawhispowerdiminishandhispopularity

decline.Thoughmanyofthecommonpeopleresisted,andworehammeramuletsabout

theirnecksinresponsetothevilecrossesoftheirmartyr-worshippingcompatriots,this

newgodwasajealousgod,whocalledhimself"onetruegod"andwouldtoleratenoothers.

T


Thedemocracyofpolytheismwasgraduallybutprogressivelycrushedundertheheelsof

monotheisticdictatorship,andThorspentmanycenturiesinsadness,obscurity,andgloom,

inhisnewapartmentsinthesub-basementsofAsgard.Hewasrarelyseenincompanyof

otherimmortalsandhardlyeverventureddowntoMidgard.Hiswife,mistress,and

childrenwentneglected.Allthatcouldbeheardfromhimwastheoccasionalhammering

below.Yettheblowsofthebasementhammereverydaygrewmoreandmorebetween;

andeachbloweverydaygrewfainterthanthelast.Hecouldtakesomecomfortthatonthe

fifthdayofeachweek,Thor'sday,hisnamewasstillremembered,thoughmostofthe

mortalshadforgottenwhatthatevenmeant.

SowhenÞjálfithatdaytoldhimofHeimdall'scleveranddeviousplan,Thorfeltanew

powersurgingthroughhim.Achancetorevisitthegloriesofthepast.ThoughThorhadfor

themostpartlongagoabandonedmeddlingintheaffairsofman,andhadnever

evenconsideredinterveninginanAmericanPresidentialelection,theplanwastoogoodto

resist.Aplantorestorehimandbringhimbacktohisrightfulplace,aplaneverybitas

cleverasdressingasthegoddessFreyatodestroythegiantThrym.


ThorinMinnesota 15

An Electrical Intervention

horsparedDuluth,oncearespectablenumberofgoatshadbeenslaughtered.TheRob

manhadtomakeseveralmoretripstothefarm,asaValkyrieinstructedhim,before

Thorwouldstopfloodingthebasementsofthehousesclosetothelake"Superior"(HA!

Eventheirlakeswerearrogantbeforetheeyesofgods).ButThorandhisadvisors

recognizedindoingofthisthattherealpowerwasnotintheskiesabove,norinthewaters

thatraineddown,butinfactinthegridandcablesthemortalsusedtolighttheirhomes

andstrangedevices.

Youcouldcastawhirlwind,knockdowntheirdwellings,youcouldfrytwooftheir

neighborswithdirectlightningbolthitsfromgreatMjöllnir,leavingbehindnothingbuta

pileofblackenedbonesandanashysidewalksmudgeandstilltheywouldrisethenext

morningandgetonwiththeirlives,theywouldriseasifnothinghadhappened.They

wouldriseandrebuildandforgetthepowerofThorandwhathecoulddothem.The

tenacityoftheirhopeastoundedevenThor.

Buttakedowntheirgridandsomethingelsehappens.Somesitinthedarkness,

weepingandlamenting.Mosttaketothestreets,clutchingtheirsmartphonesintheir

hands,raisingthemtothesky,beggingfora"signal"—anykindofsignfromtheheavens.

Andhere,Thorandhiscouncilrecognized,hecouldfindhisconstituency.Hewouldgrow

strongerfromtheirdesperation.Hisgoatswouldgrowastheysearchedfortheir"updates"

and"tweetstreams"and"friends."Whattheysacrificedonthealtaroftechnology,Thor

wouldtakeforhisown.Onceagainhewouldridegloriousovertheworshippingmortalsof

Midgard,onceagaintheywouldchanthisnamewithreverence.Itwouldbethewayitused

tobe,inabettertime,whenagod'shomewashisfortress,andhissubjectswouldkneel

beforehim.

TheclimateismorepowerfulthanThor,andhecouldnotclaimthelargestofthe

storms.ButthroughthatAugustandSeptember,themortalsfeltthelighttouchofamighty

god,aspowerfulelectricalstormssavagedthelocaleswhereHeimdallsuggestedheland

them,ondatacentersand"cloudcomputingclusters",onpowerplantsandtransformers,

T


on"surveillancecenters"and"financialhubs."Theirtrafficsnarledanddrewtoahalt.

Theirfirewallswerebroken.Theycriedoutfortheir"socialmedia"and"YouTube",their

"virtualworlds"and"PokemonGos."Thecloudshadthemselvesbecomeanti-socialmedia.

Theirangerrosewiththeirlamentations,andthoughThorcouldfeelhispowergrow

andafewnewfollowersaddedtohisaccounts,itwasanorange-skinnedmortalwho

profitedthemostfromtheseacts,aprophetoffearanddivision.ThislittlemanTrump,a

demagogueoftinyhandsandfewplans,gainedfromeveryassaultontheirdata

infrastructure.Theangerroseandswelled,anditwasclearwhowouldsoonbetheir

President.

Thiswasallasanticipatedbythegods.


ThorinMinnesota 17

Tweetstorm

@realDonaldTrump

Canijustsaytwowords?Yousuck,America.

@realDonaldTrump

The#ObamaSuckscampaignisgainingsomefollowersasaresultofthishorrendouscrisis

mismanagement.

@realDonaldTrump

DonaldTrumpwouldhavetheNationalGuardoutthereshootingthelooters.Shooton

sightofanylooting.Savages.

@realDonaldTrump

OhandsuddenlyGoogleisdowndoyouthink#CrookedHillarymighthavesomethingtodo

withthis?

@realDonaldTrump

Obama#YoureFiredAmericacan'ttakefourmoreyearsofDemocratmismanagementfrom

#CrookedHillaryandyourkind.

@realDonaldTrump

Securityapparatusisfallingapartinthiscountry.MexicansandblackstakingTVsfrom

BestBuy.

@realDonaldTrump

HowmanyMexicansarefloatingovertheRioGrandetonightwithnosecuritycameras

operational#ThanksObama.

@realDonaldTrump

DonaldTrumpsuppliesTrumpbrandbottledwatertofirstresponders.Greatactofcharity.

Trumpsteaksforhomelesspeople.


@realDonaldTrump

#CrookedHillarydoingphotoopswithhomelesspeoplewhileFacebookgoesoffline.Can

anybodysay"entitled”?

@realDonaldTrump

Hasanybodyevenstoppedtowonderifmassivedatacenteroutagesmighthavesomething

todowith#CrookedHillary's30,000missingemails?

@realDonaldTrump

Twowords:thesepeoplearewimps.SAD!Timeformartiallaw!

@realDonaldTrump

HeyFEMA:YOU'REFIRED!

@realDonaldTrump

DonaldTrumpfeelsforallworkingclassAmericanswithoutInternetaccesstonight.

@realDonaldTrump

Trumpcharitiespromises$250,000for#BlueLivesMatter.Thankstoallyoubravepolice

fightinglootersandrapists.

@realDonaldTrump

#CrookedHillarycallingforunity.JoeBidenisretarded.

@realDonaldTrump

SlowresponsetosuburbanareasprovesmisleaderObamaand#CrookedHillarydon'tcare

aboutmiddleclass.Trumplovesmiddleclass,LOVESthem.

@realDonaldTrump

AttacksonTwitter.UNFAIR!Tryingtorig.UNFAIR!

@realDonaldTrump

HardworkingAmericansscrewedwhileObamasendsboatstocriminalminorities.

UNFAIR!SAD!

ThorinMinnesota 19

@realDonaldTrump

TOOUNREALtojustbe"weather."Americansdisappointed.#FAIL#OBAMASUCKS

#GETALIFE

@realDonaldTrump

Evangelicalcommunitieslasttoreceiveneededaid.#ThanksObama

@realDonaldTrump

Howmanywetbacks,howmanyracists,howmanyterroriststakingadvantageofhuge,

patheticObama,Hillary#FAIL?LOSERS.



A God Pregnant with Doubt

horwassore.Hethoughthemighthavetornarotatorcuffwhenhelaunchedthe

three-daystormthatfloodedtheOhioRiver.Swingstage.Andhiswristwassprained

fromthestormthatknockedoutalltheelectricityintheMagicKingdomandrosethelevels

ofalltheswampssohighthatgatorswerewalkinginsuburbanstreetsfromMiamito

Jacksonville.Itwastiringwork,andhewasn'tsosurethatitwasallthatrewarding.He

neededtorestandre-evaluate.Heimdallsenthimafruitbasketandaget-wellcard.It

seemedthatallofthepollswerepointingintherightdirection,anditwasfineifhetooka

breakuntilafterthegeneralelection.Thorisnotacomplexgod.Youcouldsayhe'sagod's

god,astraightshooter.Hewasn'tsureallthesubterfugeandgamesmanshipwasreallyup

histhunderroad.Hedecidedtoseekthecouncilofthosehetrustedmost.

* * *

ItwasnotthatThorandSifhadhadafallingout,perse.Itwassimplythatasthe

mortalsofMidgardhaslosttheirfaithinhim,Thorhadfeltallofhisgodlypowersdiminish,

andheretreatedincreasinglyintohisownstormclouds.Timehadpassed,andwherethere

hadoncebeenelectrifyingpassionwhichbegatwondrousgodchildren,asThorhadgrown

lessomnipotent,hisdesiresforcompanionshipandthewarmthofafertilitygoddess'sbed

haddiminishedtoacertaindegree.Itwaslongerthanhecouldremembersincehehad

twirledhergoldenlocksabouthissparkingfingersandtastedherfecundbreathhotupon

hisown.

"Thor!It'sbeenages!"

Sifstubbedouthercigaretteinahalf-fullashtrayandrosetogreethim.Sheembraced

him,andtherewasstillwarmthinherbosomandherkiss,butsomethingwasoff.She

tastedofaquavitandelderberry,andseemedabitunsteadyonherfeet.

T

ThorinMinnesota 21

"Sif,mydearestandtruestlove,motherofÞrúðrandgoddessofthewailingchildand

thewavinggrain,itisgoodtofeelyouinmyarms."

"Youfeelstrongagain,Thor.Ihaven'tseenyouinoh..."

"It'sbeenawhile,ah..."

Shebrokefromhisembrace.

"Ithasbeenmorethanacentury,Thor."

"Hasitreallybeenthatlong?"

"Yegods!"Shethrewhercocktailglasstothegroundwhereitshattered.Eachshard

seemedtoscreamwiththecryofanabandonedchild.

"It'snotyetnoon!Haveyoubeendrinking?"

"I'vebeendrinkingforseventy-fiveyears,youselfishbastard."

Sifdidnotlookwell.Heryouthfulvivacityseemedtohavefadedsomewhatandthere

werewrinklesabouthereyes.Shelitanothercigarette.

"Youfarepoorly,Sif.Gods!Youarethegoddessoffertility,youshouldnotdrinkat

thishour."

"Fertility?Fertilitysaysthegodwhohasnotkeptmybedwarmsincethelasttimethe

CubswontheWorldSeries—"

"Sif,Sif,Ihavenotcomeforafight.Icometoaskyouradvice."

"Shoot,Romeo."

"It'sthisthingI'vebeendoing.IhavebeenthunderingthroughMidgard,shattering

theskiesandfloodingtheseas,chargingtheairandblastingthewind,makingmentremble

withfearandawe,raisinghightheroofbeamsand—"


"Thor,justgettothepoint."

"Anyway,I'vemadesomeweather.Ithasfeltgreat.Heimdall'splantogetmebackin

thegame.Stillthereissomethingthatbothersme—"

"Dotell."

"Itisalltotheadvantageofthisman,amanwithanegosoelephantineitdwarves

evenmyown—"

"Improbable."

"Heisahorse'sass,adungheap,aloathsomecreature,andyetheseemstobetheir

naturalleader."

"Themortals?"

"ThemortalsofAmerica,yes,andthereforeinsomesense,theleaderofallofthe

mortalsofMidgard.Heimdalltellsmeitistomyadvantage,butstillIwanttocrushthisbug

ofaman.Iamthegodofthecommon,belovedbymysubjects.Iwouldnotwishtobring

themharm—"

"Realitycheck,Thor,ithasbeenaboutathousandyearssinceyouweresorevered."

"Butstill—"

"Butstillwhat?LetmetellyousomethingaboutthemortalsofMidgard,Thor.They

arelost."

"Losthow?"

"Youaskmeaboutfertility,Thor?Ihavemissedyourwarm—touch—tobesure,but

therealreasonmypowershavedwindledhaslittletodowithourpersonalissues.Have

youheardofGMOs?TheymakeseedsthatDIEwithinoneGENERATION.TheyPATENT

LIFEFORMS.AndFRACKING!HaveyouheardofFRACKING?Theypoisontheverywater

tabletofueltheircarsandSEGWAYS.HAVEYOUHEARDOFSEGWAYS?Theyhavekilledoff

halfoftheanimalsontheplanetfromonlytwogenerationago.Thesepeoplehavenoneed

ThorinMinnesota 23

ofaFERTILITYGODDESS.Theyarecommittingbloodysuicideandtakingeverythingelse

withthem.Myworkthereisdone.ThemortalsofMidgard?Screwthem."

"Perhapstheyonlyneedastrongleader,areturntoreverenceforthegods,achance

torenewtheirworldand—"

"Goodluckwiththat,Thor.Wakemeupwhenit'sover,iftheratshaven'ttakenover."

"Soyouagreewiththeplan?"

"Thor,Thor,Thor,asfarasIcantellthecockroacheswillwinwhateverwedo,sogo

forit."

"Well,thanksforyourcounsel."

"It'sok,Thor,it'sok."Shebrushedherfingerslightlytohischeek."We'llalwayshave

Asgard."

—ScottRettberg,August1


In the Situation Room

ixhurricanes?Allatthesametime?Onbothcoasts?"

"It'shighlyunusualMr.President."

"It'sphenomenal!"

"It'sinexplicableMr.President."

"PresidentTrump,thisisunheardof,it'sscientificallyimplausible.Stormsjustdon't

cometowardstheWestcoastlikethis,andthepattern—"

"Don'ttalktomeaboutscience."

"Theseimmensestormsoneitherside,andthenthetwolargebutnotaslargeones

oneachcoast,it'sneverbeen—"

"It'sapattern,isn'tit?"

"Symmetrical."

"Daddy,thisisserious.YoucanseethebigoneontheWestcoastisheading

towards—"

"That'sLA,isn'tit?That'sahugestorm."

"Andonourside,evenlarger,headedtowards—"

"Us?"

"That'sright,Mr.President,thereisastormthesizeofTexasheadingtowards

WashingtonD.C."

"Andthoseother—"

"LookslikeNewYork,Boston,SanFrancisco,Seattle."

"S

ThorinMinnesota 25

"Thisisenormous.HasNewtseenthis?"

"TheSecretaryofStatehasbeenbriefed."

"Thisisacrisis,isn'tit?"

"Daddy,I'vebeentryingtotellyou—"

"ThisismyfirstPresidentialcrisis.Getthephotographerinhere."

"Wewilllikelyneedtoevacuate."

"We'vegotsomeprettygoodbunkershere,amIright?"

"Weshouldbesecureforanythingshortofathermonuclear—"

"Wecanhandlethis.Icanhandlethis.I'vebeenpreparingforthissortofthingmy

wholelife."

"WetrustyouMr.President."

"I'llneedtheSecretaryofDefense.GetClintdownhere."

"RightawayMr.President."

"Hellgetmethewholecabinet.Ifthere'sroom.Andwe'llasloneedtheheadoftheah,

what'sit,FDA.FederalDisasterAgency."

"That'stheFoodandDrugAdministration,Mr.President."

"No,notthoseregulators.TheCDC,CenterforDisasterControl."

"They'refocusedondisease,Mr.President.Butyoumaywantthem."

"Thewhatever,FEC?"

"DoyoumeanFEMA,Mr.President?"

"Right,FEMA.Whodowehaveonthat?"

"RickPerry,Mr.President."


"RickPerry?"

"HehelpedyoutakeTexasinthegeneralelection."

"That'sright,andTexasisadisaster,soheoughttoknow."

"ShouldwegettheVicePresidentheresir?"

"TwoPence?Don'twehavehimoffin—"

"TheHimalayas,Mr.President."

"That'sright,no,leavehimtherewiththemissionaries.He'sdoinggoodwork."

"Wehavemaybethreehoursuntillandfall."

"Thisisexciting.Myfirstcrisis!We'llmanageit.Wecantacklethis.It'saweather

situation.Weranontheweather.HowdoIlook?DoIlookPresidential?”


ThorinMinnesota 27

Thor Needs a Mouthpiece

hor'smistressJarnsaxawasmorewelcomingthanSifeventhoughithadbeenjustas

longsincehehadlastwarmedherfurs.Theyhadastrongbondwhichhadbeentested

manytimes,andshewasthemotherofhistwosons.Therewasnosmallcontroversy

involvedintheircoupling.ShewasagiantessoftheFrostGiantclan,andheoneoftheGods

ofAsgard,buttheirseeminglystar-crossedloveneverthelessflamedbrightlywheneverit

wasrekindled.WellbeforetakingupwithThor,shewasoneofthewavemaidens,so

whenevertheygottogether,sheandThormadestormyweather.Oncetheyhadreunited

andmadeseveraltidalwavesinbed,Jarnsaxalistenedcarefullytohisplanandhisworries.

"TobehonestThor,thereisonethingSifandIagreeon.ThemortalsofMidgardare

fuckingeverythingup.Haveyoutakenalookattheoceanslately?Haveyoucountedthe

fishofthesea?"

"Notsogood?"

"Awful,Thor,awful.Yourememberwhenoysterswerethesizeofchariotwheelsand

suitableforagiant'sslurpingtongue?Nowasmallchildcouldeattheminonebite.Andas

theoceanswarm,somanyspeciesaredyingoff.Thecoralisbleachedandwithered.There

aregyres,gyresoftrash,andmoreplasticintheoceanthanlife.Theyhavepoisonedthe

seas,andsoquickly.Thewhalessingmournfulsongsonanywavesthatwillcarrythem."

"Andyetwithouthumansweareforgotten."

"Itissadbuttrue."

"TheserpentsofRagnarökconstrictevertighteronthemortalsphere."

"SoHeimdall'splanmakessense,Iwillcallinsomefavors.Youwillneedsomehelp.

Thoughyouarestrongerwithvimandvigorandyourpassionhasreturnedinits

undulatingmajesty,GodofThunder,yourpowersarenotyetstrongenough.Youmust

haveacoalition.Acoalitionofthewilling,andmanywillyoufindwillingweathergodsin

T


Asgardandbeyondformanyarethosewhowouldseethemortalsreturntoreverencefor

thepowersoftheearth,skies,andsea."

"Wemustshowthemagainourpowers,wemustmakethemtrembleandshake,if

onlyfortheirownsake."

"Andyouwillneedaspokesman."

"Aspokesman?"

"ThorIhopeyouwillnotbeoffendedbutyourEnglishisquitepoorandfewofthe

poorfoolscanevenreadOldNorse."

"Hmmm—"

"Forthissortofdiplomacy,youneedsomeonewhoiswhattheycall'sunny.'Someone

withapositiveoutlook.Someonewhocan'spin.'"

"Doyouhavesomeoneinmind?"

"Ihavechosenoneofthemortalsforyou,mylove.Heisaprofessionalrhetorician,

fromalandofinterminablybeautifulweather.Hehasworkedwithrealitytelevisionstars,

isanavidsocialmediatactician,acunninglinguistproficientinourtongue,andheisso

smooththathecouldsellausedcartoaheadlesshorseman."

"Whoisthisspokesman?"

"HisnameisMarkino."


ThorinMinnesota 29

Cold Near Lake Superior

January 20, 2017, 5 PM

Cornucopia, Minnesota

urnthatfrown—upsidedown!"

Markburstforth,onsnowshoes,intothelateJanuaryfirelightwhereRobsaton

acompression-packedsleepingbag,burningafewsticksandtindersbytheshoresofLake

Superior,inCornucopia,Minnesota.

"Ohhey,Mark."Robsaid,slightlystartled,"Thelightisdwindling,thoughthereisyet

abitofwarmthhere.Come,come,sitdown.Youwantsomecoffee?"

"Iwouldbedelighted,Rob.Sothisiswinter.Winterrrr...Brrrr.It'ssorefreshing!"

"It'scold.Youwantabalaclava,soyoufacedoesn'tfreezeandbleed?"

"Ohthanks!"

Markaffixedtheface-maskandthenbegandancingaboutthefire.

"YouknowwhereI'mfrom,there'sonlytwoseasons.Warmanddry.Warmanddry.

Theyalternate."

"Yeah,itgetscoldhere."

Theiceonthelakegroanedandcrackedasitstretchedanothermeter.

"I'vebeenthinkingabouticefishing.Butonlythinking.Maybewecouldwrite

somethingaboutfishingontheice.Andmaybethere'sagiantfish,andmaybeeveryone

couldwriteaboutthegiantfish,andonlythefishisn'tonlyonefish,maybeit'sawhole

schooloffish,andmaybesomeofthefisharemermaids,orthelostsoulsofAtlantis,or

piratestrappedinthebodiesoffish.I'mthinkingmaybewecouldgetsomeSnapchat

filters,and—"

"T


"Stop,Mark."

"Rob?"

"..."

"Rob,areyouOK?"

"Youknowwhathappenedthelasttime."

"Thelasttimewasphenomenal!Itwasoutstanding!Itwasthemotherofallnetprovs,

thenetprovtobeginallnetprovs."

"Itwasadisaster."

"OhcomeonRob.Itwasgreat.ImeanwegotwrittenupintheEconomist!Who

wouldhavethoughtthatourlittlethingwoulddistractpeoplefromtheBrexit?Imean—"

"Ihadtokillfourgoats,Mark.Withmyownhands.Withamachete.Ikilledfourgoats.

Thewarmbloodsplatteredonme,andIwept.Andthestormskeptcoming."

"Whosaysanant—can't—pulldownarubbertreeplant?—causehe'sgot—hiiiigh

hopes,ohhe'sgot—hiiighigghighhopes!"

"Hasn'titevenoccurredtoyou?Westartwritingaboutbadweather,andmonstrous

weathercomes.Andthiselection—"

"Ok,soTrumpwon.Hewon.Badthingshappened.Sowhat?We'rewriters.Wewrite.

We'rehere.InCornucopia.It'swinter.Wemakesnowmenandthings.Wehavesnowball

fightsandwedancearoundandplaydrumsandstuff.Wewrite.Lifecouldbeworse.Sotell

me,wheredoesaguygetabighornfulloffruitaroundhere?"

"LatelyI'vebeenthinkingaboutmortality."

"We'vegotthisday,Rob.We'vegotthisday.Andlifeis—lifeismagical.Irevelinthe

unabashedabundanceofit!Lookaroundyou.Thisisamazing!I'veneverseenaniceberg

before,andyetlookatthatthingrisingoutofthatfrozenlake!Tothinkthatonlyyesterday,

ThorinMinnesota 31

Iwaswaterskiinginthewakeofasupersonicmotorboataswhalesbreachedanddolphins

leaptalongsideme,andhereIamnowseeingmyfirsticeberg!Onawriter'sretreat!How

amazingisthat?"

Therewasatremendousboomintheskyandablindingyellowlight.Robcoveredhis

eyesandshrankintoafetalcrouch,screaming"Nomoregoats.Nomorebloodyhands.I

can'tdoitanymore!Makeitstop!Makeitstop!"

TwoValkyriesteppedfromthebrightnessofclouds,resplendentandmagnificent,

theychantedinchoralunison:

"Markino,youhavebeensummoned.Comewithus."



Mark is Stardust, He is a Voyager

isrobe!"

TheValkyriehadmarchedhimoff,awayfromtheshorelineandthe

sobbingRob,toaclearinginthewoods.

"Nowwaitjustoneminutehere!"

"Unclothethyself!"

Hilde,thelargerofthetwo,unsheathedherbroadsword.

Markstrippeddowntohisunderwear.

"Everything!"

"Butit'scold!"

Ranghildraisedaneyebrowandcockedanarrowinherbow.

"Ok,ok.Geez."

"Abitscrawny,isn'the?"

"Buttautofbelly,foramortalofhisage."

"Furry."

"Excuseme,please,I'mstartingtofeeljustalittlebitobjectifiedhere."

"Unarmed,anyway."

"He'lldo."

"Stepintothecircle,mortal."

Marknoticedthattherewasacircledugintothedirt,coveredwithwhatseemedtobe

pagansymbols.

"D

ThorinMinnesota 33

"Justonegosh-darnedminutehere,ok?Canyoutellmewhatthisabout?"

"It'saboutajoboffer."

"Thanksbutnothanks.I'llhaveyouknowI'mgainfullyemployedattheUniversityof

SouthernCalifornia.Icoulddowitharaiseandmorejobsecuritybutthecampusis

outstanding,andthestudentsarejustgreat,andIcangetawaywithteachingalmost

anythingIwant,withinreason.ImeanIdidaclassonselfies.SoI'mfine,Ihavetosayno,

nothanks,andifthisisyourideaofajobinterview—"

"Itisanon-negotiablejoboffer,mortal.Andthereisanoutstandingbenefits

package."

"Stepintothecircle,Markino."

"Andanotherthing,that'snotmyrealname—ohalright,alright.Geez."

Mark,nakedasajaybird,reluctantlysteppedintothemagiccircle.Hestubbedhistoe

andreachedforhisfoot.Hewasinakindofrunner'sstartinglinecrouchwhenelectricity

beganshootingthroughtheair.Metalringsrosefromtheearthandbeganspinningaround

him.Blueboltsoflightningcrackledabouthimandhefeltimmensepain.Ahighpitched

soundgrewtoadeafeningroarashewastransportedthroughtimeandspace,through

torrentsofrain,throughsolarstorms,throughcloudsofmoltenplasmastarstuff,away

fromthemortalrealmandintotheastralnight.



Do You Feel Stormy?

'mgonnaaskyouonemoretime,Storm.Doyoufeellucky?"

Therewasadaftsilenceintheroom.Somebodyalmostsniggered.

"DidyoulikethatMr.President?Howdidyoufeelaboutthat?Willthatputabulletin

theirbrains?Willthatslowthemdown,Mr.President?We'llhavemenwithguns.Menwith

gunsoutthere,Mr.President.Putabulletintheirheads.Whatdoyouthink,Mr.President?

Doyoulikeit?Doyoulikemenow?"

"Thanks,Clint.I'moverhere.Wouldyou,couldyou,stop,stoptalkingtothechair,

please?Talktome.TalktoMr.President.TalktotheDonald.Thanksverymuchforyour

counsel.Asyousay,wewillputmenontheground.Men.on.the.ground.Wewillnothave

lootingsituationsinthispresidency.Thefederalresponsewillbestrong,andswift,and

determined.Everybodyclap.I'mserious.ClapforClint!"

TherestofthecabinetgaveSecretaryofDefenseClintEastwoodawarmroundof

applause.

"WhatagreatAmerican!Apatriot!Finallygettingtherespecthedeserves."

"140minutestolandfall,Mr.President!"

"I'llbeready.I'llbereadysoon.ToaddresstheAmericanpeople.Situationawareness.

Totaldeniability.Who’supnext?FEMA.Who'sonFEMA?"

"Iam,Mr.President."RickPerrysteppedforwardinsnakeskinboots."Iamreadyto

reportforduty."

"Perrywhathaveyougot?WhatdoesFEMAhaveforthissituationyou'vestepped

into?"

"I

ThorinMinnesota 35

"Mr.President,wehavefewresources,asweplanned,butwewilldeploythem.And

wealsohaveamessagefortheAmericanpeople."

"Dynamite,Rick,fantastic.I'mlikingyourstyle.Giveusthemessage!"

"Intimesofcrisis,Americanspulltogether.Andwerememberwhatwearemadeof.

Sure,theFederalGovernmentcanhelpyou.Wehavebottledwater.Wehaveproperty

rights.ButwhatwemostneedtorememberisthatAmericaiscountryofrugged

individualists.Berugged.Beready.Beindividual.Protectyourselvesandyourfamilies.Run

ifyouneedto,butrememberyoursurvivalskills,andmostofall,prayforeachother.May

GodBlessAmerica!"

Donaldledanotherroundofapplause.

"Whatanoutstanding,andImeansuperb,teamwehaveputtogether!Wearegoing

towhipthesestormsintheassandcomeoutwithevenbetternumbersthanwehad

before.Imeanjustexemplary!IthinkI'mreadytoaddresstheAmericanpeople."

Justthentherewasaloudexplosionthatcouldbeheardandfelteveninthebunker.

SecretServiceagentswentscrambling.ViewsoftheWestLawnappearedonthesituation

roomtilewalldisplay.Agentsrunningtowardsalargeforeignobject.Amissile?Howcould

ithavegottenpasttheairsupport?Anasteroid?Nearthecrater,agentsstoodlooking

down.Theylookedpuzzled.Avoicecrackledthroughtheintercom.

"It'sanobject,sir,alargeobject.Doesn'tseemtobeabomb.Coveredinwriting,or—

runes.It'sahammersir,silver.Averylargesilverhammer."



Live from the Bunker

fterthebombsquadconfirmedthehammerwasneitherexplosivenorradioactive,a

teamofarcheologistsweresentdownintothepittostudytheextraterrestrialobject

andtotryanddeciphertherunescarvedinitshandle.Althoughthetelevisiontruckswere

linedupoutsidetheWhiteHousegates,bythispointallofD.C.wasano-flyzone,sothe

administrationwasabletokeepthespectacleshieldedfromatleastonesetofeyesinsky.

Inthemeantime,itwas130minutesuntillandfallandthePresidentneededtoaddressthe

Americanpeople.PresidentTrumpwascoiffedandscrubbed,make-upapplied,showtime.

* * *

"MyfellowAmericans,asyouprobablyknowifyouhavetunedintoCNNortheWeather

Channel,todaywefacestormsofunparalleledmagnitude.Notone,nottwo,notthree,not

four,notfive,butsix,sixhurricaneshaveformedunimaginablyquicklyandareabouttwo

hoursawayfromslammingintoanumberofournation'slargestmetropolitanareas:Los

Angeles,SanFranciscoandSeattleontheWestCoast,andWashingtonD.C.,NewYorkand

BostonontheEast.Obviouslyweareconcerned,andyoushouldbetoo.I'mnotgoingtolie

toyou.I'mgoingtogiveittoyoustraight.Thesearehuge,hugestorms,anditisalmost

certainthatalotofpeople,hundredsofpeople,perhapsthousandsofpeople,aregoingto

die.Manyofyoulisteningtomerightnowwillbedeadthreehoursfromnow.Dead.Nowit

mayhaveoccurredtoyouthatthesestormsarehittingareasthatdidnotvoteTrumpinthe

lastelectionbutinsteadsupportedCrookedHillary.Andthatmyfriendsisahellofa

coincidence.ButIwanttoassureyouthatmyadministrationhadnothingtodowiththese

storms.TheyareanACTOFGOD.WhatthatsaysaboutwhatGodthinksofthesecities,I

don'tknow.Itrulydon't.ButIwanttoassureyouthatwe,everyoneinmyadministration,

wearegoingtodoallwecantosaveasmanylivesaswecanandIcanassureyouthatwe

willrestoreorderandtheruleofmartiallawtotheseareasassoonaswecanafterthese

stormshit.Youwillseetanksandmeninuniformwithpowerfulgunsinyour

neighborhoods,theretohelpandtoshootanylooters.Ineedtoverystronglyencourageall

A

ThorinMinnesota 37

ofyou,butespeciallythoseofyouofaminoritypersuasion,tocomplywithanyordersthat

anymilitaryorpolicegiveyou.Theyarethereforyourprotection,andtheyareauthorized

touselethalforce.NowasIsaid,oneofthebiggestofthesestormsisheadedtowardsD.C.

andmanyofyouareprobablyconcernedformysafetyandforthecommandandcontrol

structureswehaveinplace.IwanttoassureyouthatI'msafehere,deepinthebowelsof

theWhiteHouse,inouremergencyfacilities,andtheyareoutstanding,fantasticfacilities.

There'safullkitchendownhere,mypersonalchefisdownhererightnowmakingsnacks

forthecabinet,hotwingsandtheselittlecucumbersandwichesthatMelanialikes,and

there'sabathroomwithawhirlpool,it'sgoteverything.Weareway,way,underground

andthewallsarelikeeightfeetthick.I'llbesafe,mywholefamilywillbesafe,mycabinet

willbesafe.And,asabackup,wehaveVicePresidentPenceoffinanundisclosedsecure

locationintheHimalayas.Sothatisallgreat.Youmayhavealsoheardthattherewassome

kindofterroristattackontheWhiteHouseinvolvingaverylargeextraterrestrialhammer.

Alsotrue.Alsotrue.Butthisattackdidnotharmahaironmyhead,asyoucansee,nordid

itharmanymemberofmyteam.Wedon'tknowyetifitwasISISortheMexicansor

OccupypeopleorjustMITstudentsplayingsomekindofprank,butIwanttoassureyou

thatwhoeverdidthisdamagetothelawnthatmyHispanicgardenerssocarefullymaintain

willbebroughttoswiftandfinaljustice.Weareinvestigating.Now,let'sgetbacktoyou,

andespeciallytothepeoplelivingintheseafflictedareas.Whatshouldyoudonow?I've

gotsomeotherexpertswhoaregoingtogiveyousomegoodadviceonthat,some

exceptionalpeoplewhowillbecoordinatingeverythingwithfederal,stateandlocal

agencies,butsomekeypoints:numberone,getawayfromthewater.Theytellmethat

mostofthepeoplewithinafewmilesoftheshorelinearegoingtogethitreally,reallyhard

bythisthing,alotoffatalitiesareexpectedthere.SoifIwereyou,firstofallIwouldgetthe

hellawayfromthewater.Secondly,getunderground,getdeepunderground,asdeep

undergroundasyoucanget,untilthesethingspassover.Thirdly,takecareofyourselves.

Thismightmeanbringingafirearmifyouhaveone,andplentyofammunition,radio,smart

phoneandcharger,water,cannedfood,andothersurvivalitems,SwissArmyknifeandso

forth.Thenhunkerdownwithyourfamilyandwaitforlawenforcement.Andnowmy

fellowAmericans,Iwantyoutojoinmeintakingamoment,afewsecondsifwecan,a

momentofprayerforeveryonewhoisabouttodieasaresultofthesestorms....Thank


you.Toallofyouwhoareseeingmeforthelasttime,Iwanttosaythankyouforyour

supportifyouvotedforme,andtoallofyouwhowillsurvivethistragedy,Iwillbeseeing

yousoon.I'llbeback.AndIcanassureyouthatafterthesestorms,Americawillbegreat

again!Godblessus,everyone,andGodblesstheUnitedStatesofAmerica!"


ThorinMinnesota 39

Trump Consults the Experts

hearcheologistsandlinguistscamein,scratchingtheirheads,withtheirreports.

Thethingcouldbecarbondatedbackmillennia.Theycouldn'tbesure,butearly

bronzeageattheearliest.MostlikelybeforeJesus.Anditcouldnotbemoved.

Therunesweretranslatable,ifroughlywithsomeuncertainties.

"Orange(couldbebronze)mortal.TheGodThor,RuleroftheSkies,Breakerofthe

Clouds,GodofLightning,SplitterofHeavenandEarth,BringerofRain,Electrifier,Protector

ofAsgard,RulerofAllMen,WiseandGenerous(couldbegifted)Thor,FearsomeThor,

Terrible(couldbeterrifying)andLoving(couldberapturous),MakerofStormsThatBefall

You,Thorimmediately(couldbesoon)demandsyourpresencetokneel(couldbebring

gifts)beforehimatUppsala.Replyto@markino_servant_of_THOR"

"Areyoupeoplekiddingme?"

Theresearchersshooktheirheads.

"That'sprettymuch,roughly,whatitsays,Mr.Trump."

"Theartifactisveryold.Andveryheavy,verydense.Idon'tthinkyou'llbeabletodig

itoutwithabackhoe.Fascinating,actually,thematerial—"

"Shutup,archeologist.I'mtalkingtotheruneguy.Sothatlastbit,it'sawhat,a

Twitterhandle?"

"I'mnotsurewhatTwitteris,Mr.President."

"Youdon'tfollowmeonTwitter?"

"I'msorry,Mr.President.IsthatsomethingIshouldknowabout?"

"Jesus,youfuckingacademics.It'slikeyou'retrappedinthe19thcentury—"

T


"Actually,mostofmyworkisfocusedonthe11ththroughtothe13th—"

"GETOUT.ALLOFYOU.OUT!Gobacktoyouradjunctfacultypositions.Golookat

somerocks,orwhateveritisyoupeopledo,youworthlessparasites."

Trump,tastingthebileofhisownanger,feltsuddenlysorryforthecowering

researchers.

"Sorry.Ikid,Ikid.Iwasjustbeingsarcastic.Here'sahandgunandsomeammo,anda

pin.Notakeone,allofyou,goahead,takeone,goahead,headinland.Protectyourselves.

Protectyourfamilies."

PresidentTrumpcrackedhisknucklesandthenhisneck.Hetwiddledhisfingersand

thenpulledouthislaptop.Itwastimetotweet.


ThorinMinnesota 41

Direct Messages from the Gods

@realDonaldTrump

Whoareyoupeople?Whatdoyouwantfromme?

@markino_servant_of_THOR

THORGodofThunderdemandsyourpresenceatUppsalaforaThing.

@realDonaldTrump

Athing?


Ameeting.AsummitatUppsala.That'swhattheycallit,Iguess.AThing.

@realDonaldTrump

WhythehellwouldIdothat?Didyouputthathammerinmylawn?


Yes,thatwasTHOR.Alsothehurricanes.

@realDonaldTrump

Whatkindofsick,disgustinggameareyoupeopleplayingat?


THORisnotaperson.Heisagod,animmortal.

@realDonaldTrump

Whothehellareyou?


I'mhis--translator.Hisemployee--technicallyhis--minion.

@realDonaldTrump

Okminion.YouthinkIhavetimeforyourhijinx?Thereisacrisishere.



Wecansolvethecrisis.

@realDonaldTrump

Notunlessyoucanchangetheweather.


That'swhatI'mtellingyou,@realDonaldTrump,THORcanchangetheweather.


He'saweathergod.AndhedemandsyourpresenceatUppsala.

@realDonaldTrump

Youjokers.WherethehellisUppsalaanyway?


Sweden.TempleofUppsala.Traditionallocationformortalstomeetwiththegods.

@realDonaldTrump

I'llhaveyourhead.


Pleasedon'tdothat,Mr.President.

@realDonaldTrump

We'llwaterboardyouatGitmo.FORYEARS!


Pleaselet'sbeconstructive.

@realDonaldTrump

WelllookyoutellyourSwedishSocialistWeatherGodfriendthatifhewantstoseeme,he

cancomemeetmeattheWhiteHouse.

@realDonaldTrump

I'mthePresidentoftheUnitedStatesofAmerica.Themostpowerfulmanintheworld.

ThorinMinnesota 43


Yessir.Buthe'sagod.

@realDonaldTrump

TellyourgodhecancomeseemeintheOvalOffice.

@realDonaldTrump

I'llcometoSwedenifIwantsomeSwedishfish.Orabikiniteam.Ihaveacrisistodealwith

here.


Justasecond.I'llaskhim--brb.

@realDonaldTrump

I'llshowyouhowwedealwithpeoplewhofuckupmylawn.


THORsaysok.We'llbethereinafewminutes.



Down to Earth

minutestolandfall.

F-16sscrambledtointerceptUFOheadedtowardsthemansion.

Sidewindersfired.Noimpact.

Bombsaway.

Vulcancannonsfired.Noimpact.

Objectcontinuingoncourse.

Stingeranti-aircraftmissilesfired.

Dazzlerlasersystemactivated.

Objectcontinuingdescent.Noimpact.

Alarmssounded.Noiseweaponsactivated.

70

ThorinMinnesota 45

BlackHawksintheairoverthegrounds.

* * *

"Wehaveidentifiedanotherobjectheadingtowardsthemansion,Mr.President."

"Butweshouldbefinedownhere,yes?"

TheSecretServiceagentnoddedsolemnly.

"ButMr.President,ourforceshavebeenunabletointerceptordestroy."

"Keepmeposted."

* * *

MarkheldonfordearlifeasThorheldthereins.HewishedtheThunderGodcarriedbarf

bagsonthisthing.TanngrisnirandTanngnjóstrspiraledandtwistedthroughtheskies,

doingloop-the-loopsandrollingsidewaysevasions.Missilesandflakexplodedallround

them.F-16sbuzzedby,flatteningMarktothebedofthechariot.Alaserpulsedtowards

themandforamomentMarkwasblinded.Thorraisedafingerandlaserdissolvedtoa

warm,diffuse,gentlepinklight.Markhuggedhisflakjacketclosetohischestandtuggedat

thechinstrapofhishelmet.Whathadhegottenhimselfinto?Anattackhelicoptercame

intoviewandfiredmoremissilesatthem.Itscannonsroaredandstreamsofbulletshailed

towardsthem.Thisisnot,thoughtMark,howIintendedtodie.ImisstheEarthsomuch,I

missmywife.ThewindwhippedathimandMarkfeltcoldashell.Whatwillthekidsthink?

Hereallyneededtothrowup.Thordidaslighttwitchofhisneckandthehelicopterwent

spinningoutofsight.TheWhiteHousecameintopostage-stampview,meninblacksuits

likeantsscramblingalloverthegrounds,aimingmachinegunsintotheskies.Thechariot

approachedthegroundathighvelocity.Theywouldsurelybeflattened.


Goodbye,cruelworld.

Theylandedonthegroundwithasoftthud,andMarkvomitedoverthesideofthe

chariot.TanngrisnirandTanngnjóstrgrazedonthewell-trimmedgrassasthesniper

bulletstoreintotheturfallaroundthem.Teargascanistersrolledtowardsthemspitting

cloudsofnoxiousgas.Anear-splitting,wailingnoiseonlyincreasedMark'snausea.

"Niceride,eh?"roaredThoroverthedin.*

HepattedMarkontheback.

"Come,Markino.Iaminneedofyoursilvertongue.ItistimeforourThing."

---

*NOTE:Thor,obviously,communicateswithMarkonlyinOldNorse—otherwisetherewouldbevirtuallyno

plausibleroleforMarktoplayinthenarrative.WetranslatetoEnglishhereonlyforthereader'sconvenience.


ThorinMinnesota 47

A God in the Oval

ouwon'tbeneedingthat,Markino.”ThorflickedatMark'sflakjacket.“Putonyour

skins."Bulletscontinuedtoflyintheirdirectionbut,Marknoted,impressed,

whateverkindofelectricalforcefieldsurroundedThorstillseemedtobeworkingits

magic.Thebulletsslowedanddroppedtothegroundwhenevertheygotwithinfivefeetof

thechariot.Markreluctantlyshedtheprotectivearmorandpulledhisblackleatherjacket

onoverhistunic.Itmatchedhisblackleatherpants."Skins,”Thorhadsaidwhentheywere

packingforthejourney,"theminionsofThoralwayswearskins."

Theeight-foot-tallgoatscontinuedtograze,unfazedbythewhirlwindofactivity

aroundthem.MarkslippedonhisblackRay-Bans,hopingthatmightfoolthefacial

recognitionsoftwareandthuspreventtheFBIfromturningupathiskids'soccerpractice

withquestionshiswifecouldnotpossiblyanswer.

"Come,wefetchMjölnir."Thor,agodofremarkablestature,perhapseightornine

feettall,redofbeard,withfieryeyes,torsolikethetrunkofanoaktree,bicepsasthickas

howitzers,thighslikefirehydrants,strodeovertothelargecraterandwhistled.The

hammerrosefromthepitlikeamonolith,shrinkingfromthesizeofasmallmonumentto

moreworkabledimensionsasitflewtoThor'soutstretchedhand.

Thorgaveoutadeepboominglaughashesurveyedthescenearoundhim.Heandhis

minionthenwalkedacrossthelawn,SecretServiceagentsfallingasideinmidairasthey

rushedtotacklethem,tothefrontdooroftheWhiteHouse.Markrangthebell.

AnAfrican-Americangentlemaninawhitetuxedoandblackbow-tieopenedthedoor.

"MayIhelpyou?"

"Ohhello,yes.WehaveameetingscheduledwiththePresident."

"Y


"Isthatso?Onemoment,sir."Thebutlerputhisfingertohisearpieceandwhispered

somethinginhiscollar.Henoddedandthenwavedthemin."PresidentTrumpwillseeyou,

gentlemen."

Heescortedthemthroughaseriesofcorridors.Thorhadtocrouchabittonavigate.

Atonepointthegodbumpedintoalargevaseandthebutlerwentdivingtocatchit,saying

"Careful,sir,Mrs.Rooseveltpurchasedthatvasein1904."Thorgrunted,unimpressed.He

usedcrockeryfarolderthanthatfortargetpractice.

"Pleasewaithere,gentlemen."Hepointedthemtoalongwoodenbench.Acrossfrom

themChrisChristiesatasmallwoodendesk,witharmsfolded,lookingnonetoopleasedto

becalledupfromthesafetyofthebunker.

"Thanks,Barry.I'llkeepaneyeonthemuntilthePresidentisready."Christieeyed

Thornervously,afraid,ifclearlyimpressedwiththesheerheftofthegodandhisregal

bearing.Thebenchgroanedundertheweightofthegod.Christieregainedhiscomposure,

andshookhisheadandfixedthemwithanassistantprincipal'sdisapprovinggaze.

"Ihopeyoufellahsgotagoodstory,causeyougotsomeexplainingtodo.Thebossis

nothappywithyou.Nothappyatall.Whatyouboysdidtothatlawn."Hecluckedhis

tongueatthem.

AbuzzersoundedandChristieroseandopenedtheOvalOfficedoor.

"ThePresidentwillseeyounow."

DonaldTrumpstoodbehindtheResolutedesk,armsopenwide,bleachedteethsmile

liketheCheshireCat,lookingeverybittheworldleaderastheblackcloudsgatheredand

lightningflashedinthewindowsbehindhim.

"WelcometotheWhiteHouse.Itrustyoudidn'thaveanytroublefindingtheplace.

Haveaseat.Nowlet'sdothisthing."


ThorinMinnesota 49

Due Diligence

hankyoufortakingthetimetoseeus,Mr.President."

"Ohnoproblem,it'snotlikeIhadanythingelsetodo."

"Sowehaveapropositionforyou—"

"Ohgoody.Butcanyoutellmesomething,Mr.?"

"Markino,theycallmeMarkino."

"Soyou'rethemouthpieceandhe'sthegod."

"I'mhistranslator,that'sright."

"Canyoutakeoffyoursunglasses,please?"

"OhI'dreallyprefernottoMr.President."

"Takethemoff,kid.Showsomerespect."

MarkreluctantlyshedhisRay-Bans.

"Markino.Tellme,areyouanArab,Markino?ThatsoundslikeanArabname."

Markshookhishead.

"No,I'mnot—"

"Iranian?YoulookalittleIraniantome."

"Notatall."

"Maybeit'sjustthebeard.Mexican?Hablasespañol?"

"Si.Yohabloespañol,butI'mnotMexican.I'mAmerican."

"Israeli,maybe?"

"Nosir."

"T


"Markino.Letmeaskyousomething.IfIsay'AllahuAkbar!'doesthatmeananything

toyou?"

"Mr.President,wehavenoconnectiontoIsla—"

"Justasecond,justasecond."Trumpreachedintoadrawerinhisdeskandpulledout

abagofUtzporkrinds."Thesearethebest.Nocarbs.Madefromrealpigs.Takeahandful,

bothofyou.Goahead,no,goahead.Eat,eat."

"Mr.President,isthisreallynecessary—"

"EATTHEPIG.Letmeseeyoueatit!"

Markpoppedacoupleintohismouthandcruncheddownonthem.Thorshruggedhis

shouldersandtookahandful.

"Ok,ok,soyouaren'tISIS.CanyoutellmewhatinGod'sname—"

"THOR!"saidThor.

"—madeyouwanttofuckupmylawn?"

"THEBUILDINGS!MYNAME!ONTHEM!"roaredThor,growingimpatient.

"Justaminute,Thor,justaminute.Mr.President,weareherebecausewecanhelp

youwiththehurricanes.Infact,Thorhasalreadyhelpedyouwiththeweather.Remember

allthosestormsinAugustinSeptember,theinternetoutages,theflooding,thechaos—"

"Irememberitwell.Theacmeofmycampaign.Mypollnumbersshotrightup!"

"ThatwasThor."

"Ohyeah?"

"Theoneandonly."

"Youtwo.Youtwo."Trumpwaggedhisfinger."Youknowwhattheysay?Youcan't

conaconman.YoueverheardofTrumpUniversity?"

ThorinMinnesota 51

"No,really,Mr.President.Thormadethosestormshappen.Andhediditforyou."

"Nowlook,Iknowyoutwohavesomeimpressive,ah,defensivetechnologiesor

something,butIwasn'tbornyesterday.Youcancontroltheweather?Proveit."

"Proveit?Therearesixhurricanes,Mr.President."

"Sowhat,opportunist.Proveit."

MarkwhisperedinThor'sear.

"THEPLANE!"saidThor.

"Theplane,boss,theplane?"askedMark.Thornodded.

"Ok.Mr.President.Yourplane,AirForceOne?"

"Whataboutit?"

Thorsquintedinconcentrationforamoment.

Secondslater,NationalSecurityAdvisorWayneLaPierreburstintotheroom.

"SorrytointerruptMr.President."

"Goahead."

"There'sbeenan—incident.Somekindofafreakelectricalincident,maybeterrorist

attack—atSt.Andrews.AirForceOneis—"

"What,what?Spititout,LaPierre."

"Struckbyanumberoflightningbolts,apparently,andblownup."

"Blownup?"

"Blownup,sir."

"Ok,Wayne,ok.I'llcatchupwithyoulater."Hewavedhimoutoftheoffice.


"Youtwo.You'reluckyIhaveafleet,literallyafleet,ofprivately-ownedplanesthat

arejustasgoodorbetterthanthatone.I'mavery,verywealthyman.OtherwiseIwouldbe

really,reallyupsetaboutwhatyoujustdidthere.ButI'mnotlikethat.I'mnotthin-skinned.

So,you'veprovenapoint.Nowtellme,whatisitthatyouwant?"

"Well,forstarters,Mr.President:Youownanumberofofficebuildings,residential

properties,skyscrapers."

"Ido.I'malegendarydeveloper.Huge."

"Andtheyallhaveyournameonthem."

"Thebiggestsignageintheworld.Thatwayyouknowit'saTRUMP."

"Thorwouldlikeyoutoputhisnameontheminstead."

"Hisnameonmybuildings?"Trump'sfaceflushedred."Mybuildings?"

"That'sright,Mr.President.Theywouldstillbeyourbuildings,ofcourse,hereally

justwantstheadvertising—"

"Justasecond,Markino,Thor.Justasecond.There'ssomebodyI'dliketointroduce

youto."

Trumpreachedunderhisdesk.HepulledoutanAR-15assaultrifle.

"SAYHELLOTOMYLITTLEFRIEND!"

Markdivedunderthecoffeetableandputhishandsoverhisears.

Trumpleaptupandfiredtheweaponinintense,shortrangeburstsatThor,point

blankrange.Mostfellharmlesslytothefloor.Onewentricochetingoffandshatteredthe

glassonaportraitofGeorgeWashington,whichfelltothefloorwithaclunk.

Thorsatcalmlythroughitall.

WhenTrumphadusedupthewholeclip,Thorraisedhispinkyfinger.Asmallblue

arcofelectricitycrossedtheResoluteandwasabsorbedintoTrump'sbody.Trump

ThorinMinnesota 53

convulsedandfellbackintohischair,hisbronzehairstandingonendandsmokingashe

twitched.

Afteramoment,hecameto.

"Ok,ok,thatdidn'twork,"hesaid."ButIhadtotry.Let'sseeifwecanmakeadeal."



A Long-Term Relationship

arkino,youcancomeoutfromunderthere,ok?We'regoingtoworkonadeal.

Nowlet'ssittogether,allofus,likefriends."

"I'mgladyoufeelready,PresidentTrump."

Thorgruntedandnodded.

"I'mreadytotry.NowImustwarnyouthatthisisanartform,thedeal.AndIama

masterofthatart."

"That'sgood,Mr.President.NowasIsaid,andletmereiterate,Thorhasthepowerto

stopthesestorms.Solet'sputthatonthetablerightaway,becauseweonlyhaveabout

what55minutesorsountilthosethingshit?Wereallywanttostopthose."

"Dowe?"

"I'vegotfamilythatcouldbeaffected."

"ManyAmericansdo,manyAmericansdo,Markino.Imyselfhavebuildingsthatcould

bedevastatedbysuchstorms.Though,youknowwhat,they'reinsured,well-insured.And

actually,Iwanttoaskyousomething,Markino."

"What'sthat?"

"WhywouldIwanttostopthesehurricanes?"

"Mr.President?"

"I'vealreadyspokentotheAmericanpeople.Theyknowthehurricanesarecoming.

They'reafraid.Sothehurricanescome.Devastation.Iputtroopsontheground.Werebuild.

I'mahero.Tomethisallseemsgood."

"M

ThorinMinnesota 55

"Butwhataboutthehundreds,oreventhousandsofpeoplewhomightdie?"

Trumpshrugged.

"We'reallgoingtodiesomeday,son.AndIdealwellwithpeoplewhoareafraid."

"ButyoucouldbethefirstPresidenttopersonallystophurricanes.Youcouldsave

lives.Youwouldbeahugehero."

"Icouldleavethatonthetable,easy."

"Buttheseareinnocentpeople,Americans."

"LetmetellyousomethingaboutAmerica,kid.Americansthrive,absolutelythrive,on

fear.RememberWorldWarII?Weinventedtheatomicbomb.RemembertheColdWar?

Wewalkedonthemoonandinventedthebirthcontrolpill.9/11?Weinventedalways-on

internetsurveillanceanddrone-basedwarfare.Weareanationofinventors.Wheneverwe

arescaredshitlesswemakenewandimportantthings."

"Buttherearepeople'slivesatstake!"

"Markino,you'reyoung,you'reidealist."

"Markino,ishegoingtoputmynameonthebuildingsorshouldIjustcrushhis

skull?"Thorwasdislikingtheorangemortalmorethemorehespoke.

"Listen,listen,Trump,Thor.Weneedtoworkthisout."

"Markino,I'lltellyouwhat.I'mlistening,I'mlistening.Butyouaregoingtohaveto

sweetenthepot.Canweseetheadvantagesofstoppingthehurricanes?Yeswecan.But

canIseetheadvantagestojustlettingthemhit?Thatalso.I'mjustsayingthatrightnow,

youhavegivenmenothing.Nothingthatmakesmewanttostayatthetable.Icouldwalk

awayrightnow."

"TellhimIwillcrushhisskullandthoseofallhisfamilyanddescendants."


"PresidentTrump.IthinkyouneedtorecognizethepowerofThorandthebenefits

thatcouldcomefromthisforyoupersonally."

"IunderstandthatIbenefitwhenpeopleareafraid.Andtheyshouldbe.Doyouknow

whatmypresidencyrepresents,youngman?Itrepresentsanotherchance.Alastchance.

Didyouknowthatthishousewasbuiltbyslaves?Didyouknowthatblackpeoplewere

livinghere,inchargeoftheplace,forthepasteightyears?"

"Thatwas,thatwasgreat,wasn'tit?"

"Isthatwhatthefounderswantedwhentheywrotethatfantasticconstitutionupon

whichthiscountryisbased?Doyouthinktheywantedthedescendantsofslaves,living

here,intheWhiteHouse?DoyouthinktheywantedMuslimswavingthatconstitutionin

theirface,allsuperiorlike?Theydidnot.Doyouthinktheywantedwomenhere,running

theshow?Theydidnot,Markino,theydidnot.WhatdoyouthinkmadeAmericagreat,

Markino?"

"Thepropositionthatallmenarecreatedequal?Thatweallhavetherighttolife,

liberty,andthepursuitofhappiness?"

"Markino,whenthefounderssaid'Allmenarecreatedequal'doyouthinktheyreally

meantallmen?Doyou?"

"Ialwaysthoughtthatwastheideal,yeah."

"Theydidnot.Theymeantallwhitemen.Theywerewealthy,whitemen.Theydidn't

givethevotetothewomen,totheblacks,totheMexicans.Weneedtoremember."

"Rememberwhat?"

"RememberwhenAmericawasgreat.Andwhyitwasgreat.Americawasgreat

becausewhitemenwantedpowerovertheirowndestinies.Andtheyhadit,theyhadit,

beforeallthispoliticalcorrectnesstookhold.Forgenerations,evenifyouwerelower

middleclass,evenifyouwerepoor,everywhiteAmericanhadonethingtoclingto.Hehad

itbetterthansomeone.Hehaditbetterthantheblacks,thantheChinese,thanthe

ThorinMinnesota 57

Mexicans.Youcouldbelivinginashackwithbarelyenoughmoneyforapottopissin,and

yetyoustillhaditbetterthansomebodyelse.Youstillmeantsomething.Becauseyouwere

anAmerican."

"Weneedtotalkaboutstoppingthesestorms,PresidentTrump.Wedon'thavemuch

time."

"Sowehadbetterbeafraid.Wehavegoodreason.There'ssomethingtolose.There

arepeopletakingthingsawayfromus.Andtheseterrorists,theseterroristscomingtokill

us."

"Butlook,PresidentTrump,wehelpedyou.Andwecanhelpyoumore."

"Howcanyouhelpme?"

"Wecanlethimlive?"saidThor.

"Thesestorms,thesestormsthatThorcancause.We'vealreadyseenwhattheycan

doforyou."

"I'mlistening."

"Thatcouldhappenmoreoften,Mr.Trump.Thorcouldmovethingsinbeneficial

ways,inadditiontocallingoffthesehorriblehurricanes."

"Nowyou'restartingtomakesomesense.You'retalkingaboutalong-term

relationship?"

"Wehavesomeotherconditions."



Morning

nceitbecameclearthatthenegotiationswouldlikelybesuccessful,Thorputthe

stormsinaholdingpattern.Swirlingblackcloudscouldbeseeninthedistance

fromtheStatueofLiberty,fromtheGoldenGateBridge,fromVeniceBeach,approaching

PugetSound,lurkingintheMassachusettsBay,offtheshoresVirginiaBeachenroutetothe

ChesapeakeBay.AngrywavescrashedonAmericanshorelines.Mothersandchildren

huddledinbasementcorners.Crowdsmassedinfalloutshelters,bearinggunsand

ammunition.Snakesofcarscreptslowlyalonginterstatehighways,leaningonhornsof

desperation.

ThorandTrumpfoundcommongroundevenasMarkinofeltmoreandmore

distancedfromtheproceedings.EmpathywasestablishedbetweenTrumpandThoras

theybondedovertheirtroubledrelationshipswiththeirfathersandtheircommondesires

forapprovalandlovefromthecommons.Someconcessionsweregranted.Thebuildings

wouldbearThor'sname.TempleswouldbeconstructedinThor'snameandpantheism

openlyencouraged.Trumpwouldabandonthevotingreformsheintendedtopursue

("Halfvotesforwomen,quartervotesforblacksandimmigrants.")andthecountrywould

staywithaone-vote-per-voterpolicy,thoughotherconstitutionalamendmentscould

breezerightonthrough.ThorwouldcampaignforTrumpandmakecertainweather

interventionsonhisbehalfduringthemidtermandGeneralelections.Certaindistricts

wouldgowithoutpoweronelectionday.Heavystormswouldcometobluestatesasvoters

wenttothepolls,whileredstateswouldseeclearskiesandsun.

Manandgodsattogetherintotheweehours,carvingupthemap.Thewallwouldbe

built,andMexicowouldbepressuredtopayforitorseeMexicoCitydrowninginfloods.

MuslimswouldstayhomeuntiltheysworeallegiancetothegodsofAsgard.Trump's

detentewithRussiaandeventuallyChinawouldassureworldpeace,whilesocialistEurope

wouldgrowincreasinglyisolated,andlefttoitsdevicestostemthetideofrefugeesheaded

North,fleeingwarandtheever-expandingdeserts.AfricaandSouthAmericawouldbeleft

totheirinternalconflictsuntilanewageofcolonialismcouldbegin.Scandinaviawould

O

ThorinMinnesota 59

belongtoThor.Fromtimetotime,LondonandPariswouldberaidedoftheirtreasures,

andNATOwouldnotintervene.

ButTrump—andMarkwasproudofthis,atleast—wouldbecometheGreenest

presidenttheworldhadeverknown.Interstatehighwayswouldgivewaytohigh-speed

rail.Solarandwindpower,hydroelectricandgeothermalenergywouldbeharnessed.The

EPAwouldhaveasizeableincreaseinitsbudgetallocation.Nationalforestswouldnotbe

harvestedforcommercialpurposes.Frackingwouldceaseimmediatelyandoffshore

drillingwouldbeforbidden.Fastships,poweredbyheaven-sentgales,wouldsupplantjets

asthefavoredmodeoftravelacrosstheoceans.Fleetswouldharvestplasticfromthe

oceansandriverswouldbecleanedoftoxins.Fisherieswouldbeprotected.Carbon

emissionswouldbesharplyreducedandinternationaltreatieswouldberespected.Electric

carswouldbeheavilysubsidizedandgasolineheavilytaxed.

Asanewdaydawned,godandman,spent,signedacontractinbloodandraiseda

toasttoitwithmeadandice-coldDietCoke.Theybothfeltreinventedandrenewed.Mark

longedtoreturntotheCityofAngelsandpullhisfamilyclose.Thestormsturned

NortheastandNorthwestandheadedbacktosea,wheretheydissipatedjustasquicklyas

theyhadformed.

ItwasmorninginAmerica.


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