My Place?

Breathless phone laughter Makes me gagYou remind me of a Friend I hadI told myself it was because you’reGoodAnd now I realise IMisunderstood.

Naivety doesn’t even cover itStupidity is to loose a termI’m left helplessAn alien emotionThat isn’t acceptedWithout a stomach churn.

So you let him winSo you let him go onYou announce the faultsThen turn with a smileYou give him all he ever wantedNow with no tiesAnd you think it’s ‘sorted’.

So the lies then mean nothingWill you let the dirt be your shroud?When you say it’s no big dealFlash your well-executed frown

And your silent screaming’s areNo longer subtle or well meaningThey’re pitiful and way pastThe wake up call you denyYourself with every agreementEvery forgiveness, every time youPush it down.

If I’m the pot, boiling, bubblingWhat does that make you?Who do you think you’re fooling?

(11.7.00)

Into the…

He haunted me With his melodyA sad tuneOnly for the dark.

He told meThis one is for youAnd this is for the Dark.

Under the starsHe wept so longHe cried too hardHe sang his song into the dark.

The lonely night skyGave a chilling sighThe moon crept behind A cloud.

The last I heard from himThe last I saw his faceSmiling backInto the dark

(29.12.00)

The Paranormal

Wake meWhen the day is overSo I can pretendIt’s the beginning for me.You know the truthNo one else need knowThis is the end for meThis is the end.

But for nowWe keep walkingAnd we don’t turn backPut your hand in mineMy private ghostWe can pretendThat we are the sameAnd I’ll whisper to youSmilingOnceIn a whileAnd in the rainWe’ll standSo I can tell youThat this is the end

(29.12.00)

There for the taking

So here I amI take it quietlyI take it allI’m on my ownAnd I take it allI’ll even smileAs I silently drownI put up my handSurrender, no frownQuietlyWithout a sound.

I’m on my ownMy rescue is fictionMy shield is sufferingA contradiction.As they leanI protect myselfI stand strongAnd bite my tongueI can take it allI know I canI’ve been trained wellI know the drillClose your eyesBreathe in deepDon’t utter a wordYour voice you keep.

So here I amI can take it allI’ll make them proudThat well timed grinThe perfect shroud.

(1.2.01)

Christmas Tune

A cracked bauble under her feetBled to death beneath the treeYou told me to cease with my dreamsOnly because I eat too much cheese

A broken arm on the roofPretending to be Santa wasn’t fool proofAnd I didn’t laugh, I tell the truthBut I only did because of you

Who stole Christmas? Who took it away?I used to enjoy this one dayNow I’m gloomy all the waySo much so, I have nothing to say

I bury my head in a mince pieI drink so much I could dieI close my eyes and pretend I can flyI laugh so much, I can’t help but cry.

(Dec 2000)

The Colours

Out the window I see a black cloud staring at meAnd I don’t care as the rain falls‘Cos I’m safe insideIn here I can hideFrom all that is realAnd even when I stare for too longAnd a tearing at my heart beginsI can close my eyesListening to the water dripping onto the sillSo stillI can sitAnd my mind can wanderTo futures so rosyMy future so brightSunshine and oceansAnd millions of stars that shine at nightTake me away I want to sayFrom all this greyI demand it today of all daysBut yeah, I know I must stayFor a little while longerA prisoner of this roomAnd its monotonous hold.

(unknown date, possibly 2000)

One more day

Clock watchingMy new hobbyBorn of frustrationThe powerless sittingAnd sittingDay after dayDreaming and rememberingThat memory isn’t the allyI was led to believe it wasIt haunts meIt jokes and taunts and meFor I remember allI used to doAll I’ve said to youEven thinking of your faceYour voiceYour beautiful bodyDoesn’t serve to sootheIt just goes to proveThat I do myselfNo favoursIn daydreamingIn looking out of the windowAnd thinkingOf our future togetherThe future that liesBalancingPrecariouslyRocking betweenIfs and buts and theDreaded whenAnd optimism is Fought all to easilyBy salty tearsAnd garden rainThey force me to retireAnd sit still again.

(unknown date, possibly 2000)

Regression

There’s a man in the road At four fifteenJust because I laid eyes on himDoesn’t mean he was there.

There are two theatres in my headBut I haven’t seen too muchI haven’t seen enoughOf the second act.

You haven’t seen itSo you sayAnd I will laugh until my wingsFall off.

So now you stayThere is nothing to fearAnd nothing to doubt and nothing at allTo shout about.

So why all this then?Why are my thoughtsMis-timed? Ill-advised? So very naive?

I can’t be aloneBut I can’t be with youAnd how come each timeI’m always in the wrong?

I’m not a childI’m not a childYou are the thiefI’ll credit you with that.

Give me back my Stage and lightsThe sex you stole from meIs mine.

The image in my head becomesBrief realityEven now I I know it’s a mistakeSo why all this then?

The scratching in my head, I do it to forgetBut the drama in my lungs and the coldness in my speechIs a fault all of my ownAnd I’ll cry until my eyes fall out.

But there’s a man on the roofAnd I saw him jump offHe gave e warningAs he vanished into the dark.

I didn’t hear it allI know what he meansHave I seen too much?I haven’t looked enough.

So now you sayThere is no reason to smileAnd no reason to hateNothing to enjoy and nothing to find.

Yes I know it’s all wrongMy thoughts are wrongThe shaking of my headTells me I am wrong.

(26.12.10)

The lesson

My head in my handsYou know what this meansIt’s not what it seemsYou idiotYou idiotYou’ve done it againWhen you repeat itTo yourselfAnd you sayI’ll not make aMistakeNo, not againBut youDo itAnywayAnd I think I knew I wouldAnd I think I though I shouldJust to confirmThat I have no controlAnd just to confirm ThatI never grow upYou’re just the sameBut you expectIt all on a plateBut as times changeI knowI do notAnd it’s comfortableEmbarrassingThat my limits areClearYou idiotDon’t you everLearn You idiotLook at their LivesThey have a real lifeAndYou’ve done it again

(26.12.10)