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Therapeutic Aspects of FuneralRitualGeri M. Bosley MS a & Alicia Skinner Cook PhD ba private practice, Stonehorse Relationship Center,Ft. Collins, CO, 80524b Professor, Department of Human Developmentand Family Studies, Colarado State University, Ft.Collins, CO, 80523Published online: 18 Oct 2008.

To cite this article: Geri M. Bosley MS & Alicia Skinner Cook PhD (1994) TherapeuticAspects of Funeral Ritual, Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 4:4, 69-83, DOI: 10.1300/j085V04N04_04

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Therapeutic Aspects of Funeral Ritual: A Thematic Analysis

Geri M. Bosley Alicia Skinner Cook

ABSTRACT. The experience of significant funeral rituals for 32 adult bereaved individuals was examined in an intensive interview study. Intewiewees had lost either a spouse or a parent. Smcturcd and open-ended questions were asked regarding the funeral experi- ence. Thematic analysis of the narrative data revealed five prevalent themes with corresponding meta-themes. A review of these themes suggests the therapeutic use of a narrative approach to grieving individuals in the process of reconciliation of the loss.

INTRODUCTION

Ritual has been widely recognized as an acknowledgement of transition, marking a change in status for an individual, a family, or a community (Cheal, 1988; McManus, 1979; Unruh, 1983). After a death, family members begin a transition process as they cope with their loss. Most families incorporate some type of formal or infor- mal ritual into this grieving process as a means of dealing with both the practical and emotional tasks associated with death.

Swanson and Bennett (1982) studied the attitudes of 152 be-

Geri M. Bosley, MS, is in private practice with h e Stonehorse Relationship Center. 1520 South College Avenue. Ft. Collins. CO 80524.

Alicia Skinner Cook, PhD, is Professor, Department of Human Development and Family Studies. Colorado State University. Ft. Collins. CO 80523.

This paper was presented at the 50th annual meeting of the American Associa- tion of Maniage and Family Therapy, Miami, IT., October 1992.

Journal of Family Psychotherapy, Vol. 4(4) 1993 O 1993 by The Haworth Press. Inc. All rights reserved. 69

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reaved individuals toward several funeral components. Their study indicated that the closer the surviving family member felt to the deceased, the more likely they were to feel a positive benefit from the funeral ritual. In a later study conducted by Doka (1984), be- reaved individuals indicated that participation in funeral ritual was helpful, but the consensus showed that they would have desired a more active role in the process. Bolton and Camp (1987) found that the most meaningful rituals were those in which the bereaved could actively participate.

This study was an attempt to examine, retrospectively, the expe- rience of the funeral for bereaved family members and specific ways it helped them cope with their loss. It was hypothesized that the funeral is a pivotal point and a tool that survivors can utilize to begin to face and resolve their loss. Specifically examined were elements of the funeral ritual that had therapeutic value and pro- moted healing for the sample under study.

METHOD

Description of the Sample

A pilot study involving intensive interviewing of 32 adults was conducted. These individuals had lost either a parent (56%) or a spouse (44%). The convenience sample was comprised of twenty women and twelve men ranging in age from 27-79 with a mean age of 46.5. Sudden death of a spouse or parent was reported by 47% of the sample; the remaining 53% reported the death to be anticipated. Reported closeness to the deceased averaged 4.5 on a scale of 1-5 (1 = not close, 5 = very close). Time since death averaged seven years, with a range of two months to thirty years. Recollection in this study was noteworthy; 81.2% of the total sample reported high levels of recall, with the remainder reporting moderate levels of recall. In terms of satisfaction with the funeral, 72% were in the high satisfaction category, 14% were in the medium satisfaction range, and 14% were in the low range.

Five categories of religious affiliation were reported for the sam- ple with a breakdown of sixteen Protestants (50%), eight Catholics

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Geri M. Bosky and Alicia Skinner Cook 71

(25%), three Jewish (9.4%), two nondenominational (6.3%), and three (9.4%) with no religious affiliation. The majority of respon- dents reported an annual income of $25,000 to $35,000, and the typical cost of the funeral ranged from $2,5iDO to $3,500.

Procedure

Subjects were referred through funeral homes, Hospice, and oth- er community agencies. After a referral was made, subjects were initially contacted by phone by the .interviewer and a time for the interview was set. The interviews were conducted privately in the respondent's home or off1ce. Minimum time for an interview was 45 minutes, and maximum was approximately 2 hours. The average interview time was one and one-half hours.

During the interview, survivors were asked to tell their stories with regard to their experience of the funeral. As they spoke, partic- ipants were prompted with specific questions targeting behaviors, feelings, and meaning attributions associated with the funeral events. Individuals interviewed were encouraged to express emo- tional reactions to their experience as well as give details surround- ing the funeral itself. After concluding the formal interview, partici- pants were given time to debrief and talk about the interview experience itself.

Prior to the interview, phcipants were asked to complete a short form consisting of questions regarding background, recollection of the funeral, and extent of active participation in the funeral events.

Method of Analysis

A qualitative analysis was undertaken based on narrative reports obtained during the interviews. Prevalent therapeutic themes were extracted from-the interview data, based on e&h individual's de- scriotion and evaluation of the exoerience. These individuals often usei the same or similar concepts io describe the expe&ce, allow- ing each narrative to be &alyzed and compared with other inter- views. Themes were extracted through this comparison process and categorized. Frequencies were tabulated for background variables and structured questions asked of each participant.

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Thematic Analysis

Prevalent therapeutic themes that emerged during the course of the interviews included: memory as a tool of acceptance, &ma- tion of faith, emotional expression, social support, and a reconnec- tion to family heritage.

Memory as a Tool of Acceptance

During the interviews, several of the respondents talked about their recollection of the days immediately following the death and funeral. Although most had a very clear memory for certain details, some expressed a feeling of being disconnected from events going on around them, and little memory of what was said during the service. Many spoke about how they had shared memories and stories with family and friends about the deceased; it seemed, for these individuals, a way to reinforce the connection to the deceased and also to see the deceased as a unique individual.

In some instances pictures were taken of the funeral itself or the service was audio- or video-taped for the family. It was interesting to note that these special memorializations all occurred in families where there had been a sudden, traumatic death.

One widow talked about listening to the audio-tape of the funeral service the dav before the interview. She exolained that she had not listened to thAape since her husband died f&e years previously and how strange and sad it felt to hear that memory after all these years. She cried% she spoke about it but said that she was glad she had finally listened to the tape.

Another man shared pichues of the funeral for his wife and infant daughter and explained how much it meant to him to have these photographs. He talked about how difficult it had been for him at the time of his wife's death and how everything had felt a little unreal. He was grateful that a family friend had taken the pictures, and although he didn't share them with those outside of his family, they offered a special comfort in providing a visual memory of the many people that loved his wife and had come to her service.

Finally, a young widower spoke about the videotape a friend of his made at his wife's service, and how much it meant to him and his daughters that they could share the outpouting of love and

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emotion expressed at the service by family and friends who spoke. He mentioned that he felt it would be especially helpful to the youngest daughter; to have something to help her grieve as she goes through various developmental stages that can reawaken feelings of loss.

The use of these mementoes and memorial tools seemed to strengthen the memory of the funeral for those who had experi- enced a sudden, traumatic death and allow an integration of the reality of the death into the experience of the family members. In addition, recall may have been assisted by the timing of the inter- view itself. By coincidence, in several cases the anniversary of the death was within days or weeks of the interview. Some respondents made a specific comment that the death occurred, "three years ago last Thursday." These individuals often mentioned that the anniver- sary of the death and funeral brought back specific memories of that time and the associated feelings.

Also, in many cases, the d&ussion of one death or funeral led to comparisons with other deaths the respondent had experienced. Many of the interviews seemed to bring forth memories and emo- tions connected with previous or subsequent losses. Several of the respondents spontaneously contrasted what was done at one par- ent's funeral with what was or wasn't done at the other's. Some were surprised hat the feelings could combime and magnify each other, as was one woman who recalled crying the tears at her father- in-law's service that she couldn't shed at her mother's and another woman who spoke with a sadness that stemmed both from the loss of her beloved father and from the loss of her young niece. Descrip- tions of her father's grave brought back memories of her niece's grave which was in the same cemetery and the unfulfilled promise buried close by.

A$man'on of Faith

Religion for many is a template for both belief and action. Echo- ing this is Neville's (1984) statement that ritual teaches us why we do' things a certain way, as well as how they should be done. It would seem then that ritual and religion can complement and en- hance each other, and indeed, many people are first exposed to formal ritual action within the framework of religious training. The

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interview sample reflected this, for while several of the respondents admitted that they were no longer active participants in a formal religious group, they still aligned themselves with their fonner training and admitted feeling solace and comfort while opeqting within the structure of the religious ritual with which they had been raised.

Emotional Expression

During the interviews, both genders expressed feelings freely and openly. Men and women who had experienced a recent death (one to five years) cried easily when recalling painful memories. One man who had lost his wife to cancer only a year before cried openly throughout the interview as he talked about the struggle to deal with the practical issues of the funeral ritual, his own grief, and the reactions of other family members. He said he felt more free to express those emotions one year removed than he did at the time of the death because of the overwhelming practical details that had to be attended to. He openly admitted that he had "shut down" for about eight months and had only recently begun his own delayed grieving process.

Those who did not show immediate emotion during the interview talked candidly about sharing their feelings with family and friends at the time of death. Particularly within the context of the family, men and women reported that they felt comfortable expressing &y emotion. Indeed. sharing emotions with familv members was seen as nutwing and supp&ve, with family members serving both expressive and instrumental functions as they provided support and were in turn supported by the rest of the family. It was intemting that several of those who talked about grieving openly at the time of the death seemed to have less trouble talking about the details of the funeral, except in cases of sudden, unexpected death.

Sociol Support

Overwhelmingly evident was the value individuals placed on the support they received from family and friends, and typically it was the small, seemingly inconsequential, actions of these individuals that touched the hearts of those who remembered.

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One young widow remembered her best friend bringing her a six-pack of diet Dr. Pepper and a box of soda crackers. She com- mented on how she had not been able to eat anything and how this friend understood her needs at that time. A widower with four young daughters talked about how his best friend had stepped in and made most of the arrangements for him at a time when he could barely function. His friend had handled the arrangements almost as a surrogate, in conjunction with the rest of the family in a way that was helpful and non-intrusive.

Many of the individuals interviewed remarked on some special assistance provided by a close friend. This ranged from just being there to listen to providing active support in carrying out tasks before. during or after the funeral. Some even felt that the strength of a friendship was honed during this time, as those who could truly withstand the impact of a death on the friendship stood by while others fell away.

Reconnection to Family Herituge

The majority of respondents valued f d y interaction at this time, although a few confessed to inc~ased tension among family members. Most felt that their families benefited from having others around them and sharing their feelings together. One bereaved young woman talked about how important it was to share the re- sponsibility of making funeral arrangements with her brothers. She had always been the "baby" of the family and it was important to share this adult responsibility with them as an equal.

In addition, a number of family members derived great comfort from rituals with special meaning that were performed during the services. Ceremonies involving the Masons, the Rebeccas, and Woodsmen of the World and military honors were mentioned as having a special impact on family members. These rituals defined the deceased in terms of their beliefs and personality traits that family members held dear. Often, particular music evoked strong feelings of connectedness, such as the playing of the bagpipes that one man arranged for his Scottish wife's funeral. One woman, whose mother was Irish, expressed the wish that she could have had the song "When Irish Eyes are Smiling" at her mother's service, but the traditional Catholic doctrine didn't allow for secular music.

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This was very disappointing for her, and seven years later she still feels frustration at the rigidity of the formal services.

Others talked about how different aspects of the service reflected values of the family or the deceased. One widow decided on "The Cowboy Prayer" because her husband had been a rancher all his life. Another woman had her husband, who was from the east, buried facing the sunrise in a plot marked by their lucky number.

These simple expressions of connectedness stood out in the minds of family members. They offered comfort and lent a sense of uniqueness to the services that family members expressed as con- veying the "essence" of who this individual was. It was important to the ~spondents that the deceased was memorialized with dignity and respect. The only anxiety mentioned was the fear that they had not carried out the wishes of the deceased because these wishes were unknown.

Them& Summary

As mentioned earlier, the funeral is a pivotal point and a tool that families can use to facilitate the acceptance of the death of a loved one. It is a technique that has been implemented in some form by cultures throughout the world for centuries. Cook and Dworkin (1992) note, "Techniques ~IE tools for facilitating the process of growth, change, and healing-nothing more, nothing less" (p. 74). In addition these authors indicate that therapeutic change is a pro- cess, often stimulated by the right intervention at the right time.

The themes in this study seem to indicate that the h e r d is a carefully constructed vehicle for healing, offering several opportu- nities for natural therapeutic intervention. Repeatedly these family members talked about the personal value of the funeral experience, and five recurrent themes seemed woven through the interviews.

META-THEMATIC CONSTRUCTION

The five themes identified in the narrative analysis-memory as a tool of acceptance, affirmation of faith, emotional expression, social support, and reconnection to family herhag-ffered a structure

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from which several meta-themes can be drawn. These meta-themes are integration of experience, belief, freedom, connectedness, and continuity and seem to serve a larger function than the isolated rituals (see Table 1).

Integration of Experience

The fist of the basic themes, memory as a tool of acceptance, was prominent in the dialogue of the interviews. For most, the funeral was a symbol of conclusion; the end of the cycle of life for their loved one, and a way of marking that end. As these individuals talked about the funeral they told their "stories" or their experi-

TABLE 1

Thematic Analvsis of Funeral Ritual - - - - - --

Meta-Theme Theme

- -

Function

Integration Memory as a tool of experience of acceptance

Belief

Freedom

Affirmation of faith

Emotional expression

Connectedness Social support

Continuity Reconnection to farnlly herltage

Symbol ot conclusion.

ConstructivismlAllows the creation of a reality the survivor can accept and deal with.

Allows connectedness 6 expression of a belie1 in a higher power or philosophy of life.

Promotes emotional healing, can help relieve physical stress.

Acknowledges connection to a larger network.

lntegration of personal and family Identity.

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ences as they saw and felt them. The experiences were unique to each individual, and although many felt they shared the experience with family members and friends, they were a w m that their per- spective was uniquely their own. A natural process of editing oc- curred during the story telling, a subtle rewrite of reality that the surviving spouse or child could integrate into their memory and family history, This directly relates to the process Bonanno (1990) refers to as the "narrative revision" of memory, a way of reexperi- encing the past through telling the story. Remembering and telling the story offered a way to integrate the experience, reinforcing the important details and editing out the unimportant ones.

Belief

The next theme was these individual's affirmation of faith. Faith did not necessarily mean religion to all of those interviewed, and many of them stated that they were not formally religious. For those who were religious, ritual seemed to offer comfort and a sense of equilibrium. For others, affirmation came in the form of a philosophy of life and death that was explained metaphorically in the context of the services. For instance, one family's belief was played out in the scattering of ashes into a stream that ran across the family property. For them, it symbolized the return to the elements and a connectedness to the family farm. For all of those interviewed there was the thread of belief in something, whether it was heaven, some other type of afterlife, or a return to the natural elements.

Freedom of Expression

Emotional expression also played a major role for those inter- viewed. Sadness, relief, anger, and many other emotions were men- tioned as a part of the process of grieving. The expression of these emotions was often a part of the funeral itself, through tears, music. special readings or poetry. For some, the funeral was seen as the one social occasion during which they had the freedom to show emo- tion. For others, the need to take care of everyone else took prece- dence over their own feelings and needs. Many felt that even

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though this was a very stressful event it began the process of heal- ing. And it was clearly important for the individual who had suf- fered the loss to feel that he or she had the freedom to express or not express emotions.

Connectedness

Part of this freedom was bom out of the social network that the bereaved was able to utilize after the death. In the midst of family and friends, most of those interviewed felt safe and cared for. They allowed themselves the luxury of depending on others for support, both emotionally and physically. Several individuals expressed pleasure and dismay at how much support was offered by others. The knowledge that they were not completely alone in their grief reaffmed a connectedness to others that offered some semblance of stability during a time of chaos in their lives.

Continuity

This connectedness extended beyond the social realm and, in many instances, into a stronger integration between personal and family identity. The use of specific rituals, in particular, were mes- sages of identification given to those gathered. The wake, the play- ing of bagpipes, certain forms of dress, and other cultural influences reflected the history of a family, offering a sense of continuity. This reaffirmation of personal and family identity seemed to be one of the most important aspects of the funeral ritual, allowing for special elements that characterized the deceased and the rest of the family. These personal details were often the things that people remem- bered and remarked on most frequently.

These five meta-themes-integration of the death into experience of the survivor, belief in something greater than the self, freedom to feel and express their feelings, connectedness to a larger communi- ty, and continuity of family and family history-were intricately woven into the stories these 'people told. Many expressed that they had been forever changed by the death, and that their perspective of grief and what it was to lose someone would change their interac- tions with family and friends when they were faced with a death.

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Most said they felt stronger and more aware of their strength, as if it had been fmely honed through suffering. And although some felt before the death that the funeral was memly an antiquated social convention, they often felt differently afterwards. They found it difficult but helpful as a means of drawing formal conclusion to their loved one's life and allowing personal expression regarding the nature of relationships.

THERAPEUTIC ZMPWCATZONS

The information gleaned from the stories told by these individu- als mvealed that the funeral, while a difficult experience, was in- deed valuable to them. And although loss is a unique experience for each individual and family, a therapist's understanding of life ritu- als, including funerals, can be utilized to design effective therapeu- tic interventions for clients with unresolved loss (Rando, 1985; Reeves & Boersma, 1990).

Keeping in mind that life rituals are dynamic and malleable, the therapist can narrow the focus of an intervention and target the specific needs of the bereaved. The circumstances of the death, the ability of the bereaved to attend and/or participate in the formal funeral ritual, the capacity of the ritual to meet individual and fami- ly needs, and the relationship between the bereaved and the de- ceased will influence the construction of therapeutic ritual.

Ritualizing an Unacknowledged Loss

An unacknowledged loss can be very difficult for a family. In many instances there are no formal rituals that can be utilized to validate the feelings of grieving family or friends. For example, when a miscarriage has occurred, there are no recognized ways of saying good-by to the child that was never born. Helping a family reconcile this type of loss through ritual recognition can help them integrate the experience into the family history. Depending on the family, the ritual can be as simple or complex as they d e s b f r o m writing a good-by letter to the unborn child and placing it in a family bible or history, to a private service acknowledging the

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death. The act of co-mating a good-by ritual can help a family recognize the unique ways this experience has affected them and give them a way to draw closure.

Proscribed Reenactment to Access Meaning

Occasionally funeral ritual, while meeting all of the standards of society, does not meet the needs of the bereaved at the time it is enacted. During the interviews one widower described this type of experience. After his wife died he planned and participated in the memorial service, but said that he felt very disconnected to the meaning of the ritual. His main focus was taking care of the needs of his children and to attending to practical details. This left him little time or energy to experience his own mourning.

Several months later he brought his wife's ashes home and to- gether he and his children decided that they wanted to have a private ceremony and spread part of her ashes in a place that was special to the family. This second, very personal act of saying good-by allowed him to connect to the loss and begin his own delayed grieving. In cases in which the bereaved is experiencing delayed grief, it is often helpful to proscribe reenactment of certain aspects of the funeral ritual to underscore the loss and the feelings associated with it, thus facilitating resolution.

The Funeml as a Metaphor in the Tmatment of Conflictual Grief

The funeral can also serve as a metaphor in situations involving conflictual grief. Recently, a bereaved client confronted her ambiv- alent feelings toward her deceased mother who had been very emo- tionally abusive and critical. Part of this client's distress focused on the "critical voice" that represented disapproval and undermined her self-confidence in given situations. The therapeutic ritual that was implemented was a "re-burial" of mom's critical voice.

There were several important components to this ritual. The cli- ent was asked to bring a picture of her mother that had been taken during a time when there had been a great deal of conflict in the relationship. In addition she was to bring some type of box, symbol- ic of a casket, that mom would be buried in. The wooden box that

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she brought to session had actually belonged to her mother and had been very special to her.

During the session, she was asked to talk about the woman in the picture and this particular time period; in essence she was asked to re-construct her memory of her mother and eulogize her. As she talked many different emotions came to the surface. Foremost among these was a great sadness. When it was time to place the picture in the box she began crying as if it were indeed a burial and she was grieving the loss of her mother. She tied the box with a special ribbon and when asked if she had a special place picked out to put "mom" and she said yes, that mom would be placed under a bed in a spare room. As an adjunct to this burial of the critical mom, she was asked to select a picture of her mother that elicited happy memories and to keep it in a place that was visible.

The construction of this ritual was done using the basic themes found in funeral ritual. The picture and the box were tangible items that could be touched and held. The symbolic burial was a message that this client could let go of the critical voice of her mother and remember the positive aspects of their relationship. During the eulogy, or the storytelling, the client was able to express her emo- tions and fmd validation for her grief through the social support of her therapist and her husband, who was also present. And by the visible display of the picture representing the positive aspects of their relationship this client was able to maintain a connection to her family identity. In addition she was later able to share this experi- ence with other family members which led to a healing family therapy session.

CONCLUSION

There is no way to anticipate every situation in which ritual intervention would be useful. Grief is prevalent in our lives even when it is not associated with death, and helping a client let go of the pain and suffering associated with loss can present a formidable challenge to the therapist. A ritual will not work if it feels contrived; it must have meaning for the individuals engaged in it. With this in mind it is helpful to recognize that the client is typically the best

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architect of the experience, with the therapist in the role of midwife to gently guide the process along.

Rituals celebrate life by marking beginnings, transitions, and endings. For centuries, people have been creating ritual for each other to offer hope, solace, and as a means of tying us to family and community history. With this in mind, the therapist can tap into this powerful means of expression and help the client find new and creative ways to deal with the joys and losses of life.

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Bonanno, G. (1990). Remembering and psychotherapy. Psychotherapy, 27(2), 175-186.

Cheal, D. (1988). Relationships in time: Ritual, social structure and the life course. Studies in Symbolic Interaction, 9,83-109.

Cook, AS., & Dworkin, D.S. (1992). Helping the bereaved: Therapeutic inter- ventions for children, adolescents, and adults. New York: Basic Books.

Doka, K. (1984). Expectation of death, participation in funeral iurangements, and grief adjustment. Omega, I5(2), 119-129.

McManus, J. (1979). Ritual and human social cognition In E.G. d'Aquili (Ed.), The spectrum of ritual: A biogenetic structural analysis @p. 216-245). New Yo& Columbia University Ress.

Neville, G. (1984). Learning culture through ritual: The family reunion. An- thropology and Education Quarterly, 15(2), 151-166.

Rando, T.A. (1985). Creating therapeutic rituals in the psychotherapy of the bereaved Psychotherapy, 22,236-240.

Reeves, N.C., & Boersma, F.J. (1990). The therapeutic use of ritual in maladap- tive grieving. Omega, 20 (4), 281-291.

Swanson, E., & Benndt, T, (1982). Degree of closeness: Does it affect the be reaved attitudes toward selected funeral practices? Omega, 13(1), 4349.

Unruh, D. (1983). Death and personal history: Skategies of identity preservation. Social Problems, 30(3), 34-35 1. D

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at 1

2:22

14

Nov

embe

r 20

14