The Write Wing: April 2013
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Transcript of The Write Wing: April 2013
“I disagree with Merriam-Webster.
Art cannot be defined. Art is limitless.
Alongside art, you will find love, friendship, and potential.
Do not let them tell you your worth.
Do not let them barricade you with mainstream perceptions.
Do not let them tell you no.
I disagree with Merriam-Webster.
Art cannot be defined.
Art is limitless.
I’ve never found repeating stanzas to be effective.
Then again, I don’t think editing makes modeling attractive.
Don’t let them limit your beauty.
Embrace your sense of YOU.
And, ultimately, own it.”
- SHANNON CASSADY
ACUFF, gale
SEN, adreyo
MAHONEY, donal
LIAKOUNAKOU, alexia
McFETRIDGE, G.D.
KANTOR, loren
CASSADY, shannon
TUMBL’ with us
http://thewritewing.tumblr.com
BLOG with us
http://wingedwriters.blogspot.com
FOLLOW US
https://twitter.com/thewritewing
LIKE US
https://www.facebook.com/thewritewing
The day has finally come! Thanks to you, we
have successfully been able to publish our first
issue. We have been blessed with a great
group of applicants for this opening display. I
would like to thank all of those who have sub-
mitted, those who are reading, and those who
have been apart of our support system. It’s
been a rough few weeks figuring out how to
compile all the works to display them in an at-
tractive, and modern fashion. I hope that you
find this first article a hit, and are excited for
our next issue! God Bless.
Gale has had poetry published in Ascent, Ohio
Journal, Descant, Adirondack Review, and many
other journals. Gale has authored three books of
poetry: Buffalo Nickel (2004), The Weight of the
World (2006), and The Story of My Lives (2008).
All three of Gale’s books have been published by
BrickHouse. Gale has taught university English in
the US, China, and the Palestinian West Bank.
Loren Kantor is a Los Angeles-based Woodcut Artist and
writer. He worked in the film industry for 20 years as a
screenwriter and assistant director. He is a huge fan of
Classic Cinema and iconoclastic American Writers. He's been
carving woodcut images for the past five years. Loren’s blog
can be found at woodcuttingfool.blogspot.com .
Alexia is a Greek-American; she lives in Greece, but was born in the United States.
Alexia studied in the United Kingdom. Alexia is a photographer, and her works can
be found at www.krop.com/alexialia. Alexia is a regular writer for Think Africa
Press, The Africa Report and Greek maga-
zines and newspapers on issues of culture,
art, and society. Alexia also finds a sport in
writing poetry. Officially, Alexia is a
social anthropologist (MA) and an art his-
torian. Unofficially, she is everything and
everywhere– both a good thing and a
'damn it' attribute)! If she could of-
fer one description of herself, she would
say that she is a restless, explosive mess
hiding and fighting inside a very calm,
seamless exterior.
Nominated for Best of the Net and Pushcart prizes, Donal Mahoney
has had work published in a variety
of print and electronic publications in
North America, Europe, Asia and Africa.
Some of his work can be found
at booksonblog12.blogspot.com .
G. D. McFetridge writes from his wilderness home in Montana's Sapphire Mountains.
His fiction and essays are published
across America, in Canada and the UK.
Adreyo Sen, based in Kolkata, hopes to become a full-time
writer. He did his undergraduate work in English and his
postgraduate work in English and Sociology. He has been
published in Danse Macabre and Kritya.
Miss Hooker says that God loves me, Jesus
too, which is good I guess but I'd rather
she love me and love me the way a wife
loves her husband, if she loves him that is,
instead of how teachers love their students
or how folks are supposed to love each other
anyway, the way Jesus said we should,
even our enemies. Miss Hooker's my
Sunday School teacher, a pretty good one
if I'm any judge, even though Jesus
said not to judge lest we be judged. I think
that's Jesus. At least it's God and almost
the same thing, maybe identical. I
thought Abraham Lincoln said it but she
put me straight on it, Miss Hooker that is.
So one day I'll need a wife and she'll be
perfect, red hair and green eyes and freckles,
not that her freckles are green. They're pinkish.
Every night she can put me to sleep
with a Bible story, and the moral.
Maybe she'll let me guess it like she does
us kids in class. My classmates don't say much
so I take up the slack to help her out,
Miss Hooker I mean. She told that good one
last week about David and Goliath.
She got angry at me when she asked us
What's the moral of the story, children
and I raised my hand and answered even
before she called on me but no one else
had their hand raised and I replied without
thinking, Don't take no shit off a bully.
I think I was right but used the wrong words
or word, shit I mean, you shouldn't say that
in Sunday School or church or probably
anywhere on church grounds or within sight
of church or even within twenty miles
of church but I had to go and say it,
Every night she can put me to sleep
with a Bible story, and the moral.
Maybe she'll let me guess it like she does
us kids in class. My classmates don't say much
so I take up the slack to help her out,
Miss Hooker I mean. She told that good one
last week about David and Goliath.
She got angry at me when she asked us
What's the moral of the story, children
and I raised my hand and answered even
before she called on me but no one else
had their hand raised and I replied without
thinking, Don't take no shit off a bully.
I think I was right but used the wrong words
or word, shit I mean, you shouldn't say that
in Sunday School or church or probably
anywhere on church grounds or within sight
of church or even within twenty miles
of church but I had to go and say it,
I'm a sinner and proud to admit it,
I mean that I'm proud to admit it but
not proud that I sin. Then the other kids
gasped, gasped like they do in my comic books
--Gasp!--and Jimmy Amacker giggled so
I guess he would've gone to Hell with me
if we'd died then and there. Don't die in sin
Miss Hooker warns--you'll go to Hell straightway.
So I had to stay after Sunday School
and pray with Miss Hooker about my mouth,
how she hopes that only good and pure words
gush from it. I'm not sure what gush means but
I think it happens when the pipes freeze and
soon there's water all over the damned place.
Miss Hooker said Amen and I did, too,
but after she did so I got the last
word but Gd will have the last one on me
just like He did the first. Genesis is
where you find that in the Bible, right at
the beginning of it all and I'll bet
everything else He ever wrote as well
and He could write without even using
words. But that's why He's God, I guess. Jesus
can do the same--I'm one with my Father,
He said, or something like that. I'm just 10.
Miss Hooker's 25. There's fifteen years
between us. If she'll marry me one day
I'll watch my foul mouth. I'll satisfy her.
Then she'll die, being so much older,
and go to Heaven, where I'll join her if
I keep my sinning down. I'll pray like Hell
for that every evening before bedtime.
I'll say good night to her up in Heaven.
I won't be able to hear her here but
I know what she'll say. Don't talk so damned much.
- Gale Acuff
Miss Hooker says that after a life ends
it's time for eternity, which isn't
really time at all. She's my Sunday School
teacher and she's 25 to my 10
so she'll die before I do, unless she
dies accidentally, but she says death
means being called back to God again. That's
in the Bible, I guess, or in a hymn
or prayer but I never sang it or
spoke it. The older you get the more you
know, maybe. I'm not sure. That means that folks
on their deathbeds know more than anyone
else but they're usually not in shape
to pass on what they know. Grandmother was
that way. I had to visit her before
she died. Maybe she was asleep but she
opened her eyes and looked at me--I guess
it was me--and said, Hello, then shut them
and that was all she wrote, not that she wrote
anything. If she told me all she knew
then maybe it was swaddled in Hello
and I should think about it more. Maybe
it's in secret code. Maybe it stands for
Goodbye, too. I was only 6 and scared
and she was 90 but seemed pretty cool.
Then I left her hospital room and sat
outside in the hall while Mother went in
and left me practicing tying my shoes
just to pop out again and lay on me
Your grandmother's gone to Heaven, and she
says that I asked, When is she coming back?
But you don't--come back, that is. You're gone for
good. Now I'm in the third grade. Grandmother's
been dead four years. That's long enough to know
whether she likes it or not and whether
she'd do it again. After Sunday School
and that was all she wrote, not that she wrote
anything. If she told me all she knew
then maybe it was swaddled in Hello
and I should think about it more. Maybe
it's in secret code. Maybe it stands for
Goodbye, too. I was only 6 and scared
and she was 90 but seemed pretty cool.
Then I left her hospital room and sat
outside in the hall while Mother went in
and left me practicing tying my shoes
just to pop out again and lay on me
Your grandmother's gone to Heaven, and she
says that I asked, When is she coming back?
But you don't--come back, that is. You're gone for
good. Now I'm in the third grade. Grandmother's
been dead four years. That's long enough to know
whether she likes it or not and whether
she'd do it again. After Sunday School
this morning I asked Miss Hooker if she's
afraid to die. At first she looked at me
as if I might try to snuff her. No, Gale,
she finally said--I'll go to Heaven.
I almost asked her how she was so sure
but maybe she wasn't anyway--some
folks say what they want to believe and if
they say it enough then they believe it
or hope they do. In class we must've said
the Lord's Prayer a million times. I'll bet
I could say it backwards. I can say it
in Pig Latin, too, but I don't, just that
once up in my bedroom. Then the light
went out. That's why I believe in God. Then
Miss Hooker said, like she always says, if
we believe in Jesus and never sin,
though we will because we're cursed that way--but
try hard not to sin and ask Jesus to
forgive us when we do then when we die
it won't really be death at all but life
eternal. She means up in Heaven. So
I had to go and ask her if there's life
eternal in Hell and she said, Umm, but
that she wouldn't call it life, exactly.
So I asked her what the difference is
between life in Heaven and life in Hell
and she answered, The difference is life
down here. On earth, she means. That shut me up
good and I don't even know what it means
unless it means I talk too much. Amen.
- Gale Acuff
“Are you feeling any better, dear?”
Helena wiped the sweat off Anna’s forehead; the fever seemed to be dropping. Anna crouched on the metal bed, her dark green floral sheets like
a warm garden hugging her tired body, and coughed; yet she seemed alert. Her cotton robe was untied to reveal a young, nicely formed stomach
and her skin shone in pink opulence. Helena looked at her young acolyte in a motherly gaze and stroked her shoulders.
Anna slowly tried to get up and her face grinned from a lingering headache. “I want to go tonight, I’ll join you and the girls”, she said. Helena mut-
tered something in disapproval, but didn’t object. They both got up from the bed and lead themselves to the kitchen. Tea was prepared, and they
sat on the large wooden table to drink it. It was only midday and the sun was shining outside. The sounds from Wardour Street, horseshoes and
carriage wheels, as well as far-off voices from Charing Cross Road were coming to a halt as the midday sun rested its rays on the lane.
While dusk approached, all the girls started getting ready. Seven in total, their rooms were all echoing giggles and girlish preparations. Makeup,
stockings, nice clothes, high heels, shared mirrors, glances at each other’s fashion choices and comments went back and forth in a happy frenzy.
The girls were far from teenagers, both in age and in spirit; marks of time - their wear and tear - were visible in discrete scars near their buttocks,
in bruises near their shoulders, knees and elbows, and in bites from the gentlemen’s bursting agonies which found retreat in Helena’s Home. Yet
their girlish temperament was the ointment with which pains, time and life itself rubbed away from their skin. Anna was helped by Helena to get
dressed; she sat down on her bed while Helena applied red lipstick and brown eye shadow, and got up looking beautiful in her fatigue.
“Do you think Robert will be there tonight?” she asked Helena in an eager voice.
“I think he will be”.
The bar was an underground old tavern near Charing Cross station. The lighting was low and the whole place boasted burgundy and reddish
tones. Small lanterns helped pave the way towards the tables, and a stage with a velvet curtain stood empty at the far end, reserved for private
parties and shows. Feather-adorned waitresses glided through the tables serving beer and whisky. The atmosphere was choked in corroded
sounds of swing music and tobacco smoke.
Anna and Helena sat at Mr. Walker’s table, where five or six older gentlemen sat smoking cigars and drinking whisky. They talked of sports and
politics and fussed over the upcoming British Empire Games at the White City Stadium. Mr. Walker was an old acquaintance of Helena and a very
good client at the house. The other girls, Sophie, Mary, Ruth, Denise and Harriet had spread out and sat at other men’s tables, all drinking and
laughing in their extravagant makeup and provocative dresses.
Anna was conscious and did not feel at ease. Her forehead was getting feverish and her body was bypassed by shivering strokes of cold. She
wondered what time it was as her eyes ventured around her table in search of details in the old men’s grayed hair and wrinkled faces. She gazed
at Denise across the room, her loud laughs, her big mouth, and focused on the way she held the cigarette, with elegant and relaxed fingers. Denise
was a little older than Anna, she was ripe, curvy and shined in her mischievous confidence. She bet that her own face would look the exact oppo-
site of Denise’s – anxious, jaundiced, bored. She ordered a martini and played with the cold glass in her fingers. Some minutes later she noticed
John walk in, a friend of Robert, and suddenly felt warmer in her anticipation.
But the night passed and Robert didn’t show up. John had joined another table and was entertained in conversation with some young men Anna
didn’t know. Helena noticed Anna’s frustration, pardoned herself and her young friend from the table with the excuse that Anna wasn’t feeling
well and greeted them goodnight before exchanging some words in laughter with Mr. Walker. The old man pinched her bottom as she walked
away from him, and Helena laughed, acting embarrassed. Truth is she was getting quite old for pinches.
While the two women, like mother and daughter, held each other to walk up the stairs to the street, Anna glanced across and saw Robert, tall,
sharp and mysterious, standing his three usual friends at the opposite corner. Robert motioned that they go across to him, so the women unhurried-
ly crossed the street. Anna had to make herself slow down her walk to conceal her eagerness and keep up with the old woman. Robert proposed
that they visit another place he had in mind, adding that his company was in need of a good drink, even though they all already seemed to have
consumed a considerable amount of alcohol. Helena felt tired, but decided to accompany the young group to this other bar, mostly because she
didn’t feel comfortable in leaving Anna alone with four men. London’s gentlemen tended to overlook their etiquette when it came to women like
Anna and herself. Robert didn’t seem to have asked; he had almost demanded it. She walked slowly as she leaned on Anna’s elbow and looked
down in order to hide a grin on her face caused by pains on her left foot. Freezing cold air blew as they walked down the road and its power car-
ried with it a piercing humidity coming from the Thames. They stopped at a heavy wooden door, with no number nor doorbell, at belowground
level.
Before placing a firm grip on the doorknob, Robert took out a small emerald bottle from his jacket’s inner pocket and forcibly opened Anna’s
trembling mouth to let two drops fall on her tongue. Anna smiled nervously and lost focus in her eyes as she glimpsed at Helena before walking
through the doorway.
They entered a dark place. A long and narrow gray corridor lay ahead with pale lighting and smudges of dirt on the walls. They stepped on
what felt like fishnets and knocked over some bags and suitcases, and perhaps even walked on shadows of people sitting on the floor -half-
dreaming- under a blanket of heavy opium smoke. Sounds of a groaning machine, a rusty ventilator perhaps, echoed in Anna’s ears. As they
walked, they passed through small passages, old doors, muted sounds, cracking noises and various sealed windows with dirty curtains that bare-
ly revealed some slim, hazy silhouettes behind them. Finally, they reached the end of the serpentine corridor and took of their coats. A large
bench and a small table was all that could be discerned in the foggy, barely lit room.
The four men laid Anna down on a straw-filled mat placed atop the large bench, and all sense of slow movement, cautiousness and fogginess
which encircled their trip down to this far end was suddenly replaced by what became a fast and ferocious race; Anna felt the rough fabric
and the straws rub against her neck as the men pushed down on her body, but she could not manage to keep her eyes fixed at one place. The
men all climbed on top of her; their weight crushed her. Helena, as if suddenly awoken by a nightmare, rushed to stand by Anna’s head and
placed it firmly in her hands while the men ripped clothes and untied intricately laced undergarments, Robert being the most zealous destroyer
of the beautiful attire lying beneath him. The dress fell, torn to pieces, on the dark floor and Anna’s breasts, pink and round, appeared in front of
Robert’s face; he paused to look at them only for a split second, then devoured them with bites of vanity, her tiny moles filling his mouth and
mixing with his saliva. The other men tore her stockings, revealed her white thighs and exclaimed animal groans before one of them rushed to
take her. Anna moaned in pain but her voice could not exceed that of the loud ventilator still filling the corridor. Robert turned around and
pushed away the first man who fell with a large thump on the floor, then took his place while the others stood up to stare, their eyes dazed
and dirty from alcohol and ecstatic in their violent lust. While Anna rocked back and forth under Robert’s weight, Helena caressed her feverish
head, removing hairs that stuck on her face from the sweat. She looked deep into her eyes in an effort to soften her pain, as a midwife would
look into the bewildered eyes of a woman in labor, and exhaled small blows on the feverish forehead to cool down the pain’s heat. Robert
groaned with pleasure and slapped Anna’s cheeks, breasts and arms, then held her neck and squeezed it tight by pushing harder into her body;
he released himself on her white, well-formed stomach and while doing so squeezed it so tight than it reddened under his fists. Anna vomited
on Helena’s lap and her blued lips found comfort in sealing themselves around the seams of the old woman’s skirt. Robert stood up with a vile
grin on his full, red mouth and covered Anna up with the tattered dress, and waved to the others to follow him. They disappeared in the dark
smolder of the corridor, and the two women were left alone like two emblazoned sculptures frozen in darkness.
- Alexia Liakounakou
- Loren Kantor
- Loren Kantor
Zenobia Jackson told Officer Murphy that her husband, Rufus, was 73 years old and "a wonderful man when he was awake" but for the past
year he had been jerking "something terrible" during his sleep and had kept waking her up. He'd swing his arms, she said, like those martial arts
men he liked to watch so much on television. When the bouts were over, he'd give her a big kiss on the forehead and go to bed.
"Oh, he was just a doll," she said, "when he was awake."
In the last month, however, Rufus had fallen out of bed three times "fighting" in his dreams. In the morning he'd tell her he'd been dreaming that he
was in a fight at work or back in high school many years ago. Sometimes he dreamt he was shooting at burglars breaking into their house in the
old neighborhood. That's why they had to move to a different neighborhood and why he bought a gun, a little pistol he kept under his pillow just in
case he heard someone in the house. You can't be too careful these days, he told her. He even taught her how to shoot the gun one night when no
one else was on the tennis courts in Sherman Park. He said she was real good. Not many women, he said, can aim straight.
But last night, she said, he was dreaming again and swung his arms at least ten times, like he was chopping sugar cane back in Louisiana before
they moved North. He caught her with an elbow to the eye and then another to the nose just as she was ducking. That's why she looks the way she
does, she told Officer Murphy.
Long ago, she had stopped trying to wake him when he was thrashing about. It was because of the pistol under his pillow. He had reached for it
one time right after she had shaken him. She had screamed and that woke him up and he wasn't too happy about it. He said he couldn't get back to
sleep the rest of the night. And he wasn't lying because she was awake all night, too, listening to him grumble and curse.
Just a week ago, she had taken him to a sleep clinic where he had stayed overnight. The doctor said he suffered from sleep apnea but she had nev-
er heard of anyone with sleep apnea thrashing and kicking about like her Rufus. She had a lady friend in the choir at church whose husband had
sleep apnea but all he did was "snore too loud," her friend said, no thrashing about.
"So that's how it happened," Zenobia told Officer Murphy, who was busy taking notes. Rufus had reached under the pillow for the pistol and she
had to stop him.
"Two in the head," she said, "and he be dead."
- Donal Mahoney
Violence can be done to violent men
with white shirts and excessive pride
in their English
with the wrong kind of ‘you’.
The wrong kind of ‘you’
negates their careful years acquiring English
like a jackdaw and dispensing the Hindi
they still speak with the fluency of outrage.
No longer are they self-made hard men
with carefully repressed wives who wear chiffon saris
and habitually check the distance of the
pavement from their opulent jail cells,
but squirming lads with no keener sense
than that of injury,
torturing the street cats
and glaring at women with swishing skirts
under the awning of their father’s
fish-fry shop.
- Adreyo Sen
Last night, unable to sleep, and yet half-dreaming
still, of the creature I gave life to
in my head a bare fortnight ago, a creature
that surprised me by moulding herself so readily
to the apparel of my brightest hopes,
I noticed that the shadows on the wall
looked like two ancient figures. A man and a
woman.
They were fighting.
I contrasted idly, the man’s stunned heaviness,
his nevertheless rapid, menacing, flickering
to and fro, and the woman’s still alertness,
her seeming to expect a blow that would justify
the absoluteness of her despair.
The blow never came. The shadows continued
their dance. And then the woman froze into
herself, a torpid shell. She became a
blackness. The man continued to bluster before
becoming a sullen extension of my room’s
resistance to the moonlight.
I blamed myself. If I’d digested my dinner better
and had been in a less cynical mood,
the man and the woman might have
made up and re-fallen in love.
But for the woman though,
that would soon prove to be a bad ending.
- Adreyo Sen
Literature with all its ambiguity—and the same could be said of life—begins to possess intrinsic value when an emergent order appears in
the midst of what seems a vast yet vanishing chaos. This retreating chaos, deciphered and appreciated, thus stands in relation to itself as the
order within us confirms and extends a foothold beyond the fundamental paradox.
For consciousness is evidently realistic to a degree; it clings to fate, registers, so to speak, the higher and lower temperature of our for-
tunes, and so far as it can, represents the agencies on which these fortunes depend. When this dramatic vocation of consciousness remains un-
fulfilled, consciousness is wholly confused and the world it envisages seems consequently a chaos. Later, if our literary experience has con-
gealed into shape, and there are settled categories and constant objects in human discourse, the assumption is made that the original disposition
of things was also orderly and indeed conducive to those feats of enjoyment and intelligence to be partaken. With this broad perspective in
mind, we say with great enthusiasm that we have worked with unwavering determination to make this dream worthy of undivided attention.
Father always called our mother My Little Green Bean, for she was long and slender. But the first step he took not long after marriage
was to plummet into the penitentiary, and it might appear as a surreal soap opera were I confess the entire confusing truth.
For about nine months in the mid 1990s, when I was twenty-seven and a graduate student, I shared a house with a boisterous waitress
named Lilly. And I was quite fond of Lilly, she was very pretty and I wished no ill on her. She already owned an iron, of course, but not one
with a cell phone built into the handle.
“What will they think of next,” I groaned. The Cubs were behind eight to five, in the bottom of the ninth, but they had loaded the bases
with one out, and Sammy Sosa was at the plate taking warm-up swings.
The long strip of the Florida Panhandle is nothing more than an extension to south Alabama, Delta Mississippi, and the bayou network of
muddy Louisiana, nothing more than another end of the earth bounded by highway and water. When Dean Alger asked me to drive to Califor-
nia with him, I was sitting in the house in South Carolina with both the iron-phone and my feet resting atop my uncle Louie’s massive steamer
trunk. A maple branch extended horizontally from the top of the refrigerator, weighted by a three-litter jug of cheap red wine, and from it
dangled an old wind chime. I’d like to sketch this scene. In my head I already arranged the work; so I nudged the silver-leafed olive tree closer
to the place where a tangle of wild flowers had forced their way through a crack in the old redbrick wall. It wasn’t raining, not yet, but dark clouds were low and steely, and I could taste that thick metallic taste a stormy day in the Carolinas always leaves on my tongue. I said to
- Adreyo Sen
Dean: “It has something to do with the modernist notion that anything is possible.”
To which he replied, “Do you think it has anything to do with your training on the classical guitar?”
“I was never that good on guitar,” I said.
“What traditions are behind your writing?” he continued.
“In college, as a junior, I walked into an elective literature class consisting of all the lame, halt and disaffected crazies on campus. But more
than that it was the postmodernist position that everything is exhausted—profoundly exhausted.”
Dean was a slightly famous painter, eight years older than I was, and I found myself staring out the window. It wasn’t raining, but the
light had turned an odd, wet lemony color— it could have been an oil painting by Paul Steen.
Paul Steen’s paintings were reflections of Van Gogh and Monet. I still imagine dear Vincent in 1889, the year the fountain poured forth
its greatest abundance. His face is open and eager as he comes toward you, wanting to know who you are. And a sense of solitude, often, and
of physical energy and exuberance. All this before he fell into the blind abyss. Taking me with him.
“Do you have a schedule you try to stay with when you’re working?” Dean had asked, interrupting my ruminations with a significant
look.
“No! I am against schedules of any kind. It’s the modernist thing. Or really it’s more the post-postmodernist idea, the philosophy. You
see, since everything is exhausted, everything is permitted. Think in terms of no restraint. Schedules are suffocating and they deny me … per-
mission.”
Sixteen months after my sister put a bullet through her brain, I found myself standing atop the highest cliff on the south coast of Spain,
wondering at great length what it would be like to jump. Crows and ravens speckled red-clay roofs and strips of ploughed earth. Who knows,
I thought, if she’d focused her stare deeper into but one sunny spot, might she not arrived at a final littoral where bits of atoms explode into
quantum froth?
My sister sleeps now, but when she wakes for good her eyes will already be open, and she’ll find herself looking at the very thing she
looked at before her eyes closed, the door, the wall, the cold bluing of the .38. Blacker than a raven’s eye.
My sister was pretty from the time she was seven to the time she was twelve. Before then she was too skinny and after that she was
too plump. And she could do many things well, but they were strange things, like walking on stilts and doing yo-yo tricks. For several years
she thought she might have unusual ESP. She could hear beneath everything anyone said, although most thought she couldn’t because her
eyes stayed closed. Silver faucets and white clock faces, moon dials, Mexican guitars, molecular farts—it was a sickness to hear her talk
sometimes.
And she liked to sit on the roof and stare at the moon. She saw images of animals and faces in the silvery craters, colors of the spec-
trum in starlight. She wore taffeta, shiny stockings, mystery skin, and later we went to her apartment, the baby sleeping peacefully, the bed-
side light on all night.
Dean and I had met while walking someone else’s dog; the three of us truant from the same party, one of those north Florida beach-
house parties. Dean was more interested in Buddy, the black and white dog, than he was in me, so I was glad not to talk. I find parties diffi-
cult unless I’m drunk. The shadows had an inky feel and a ghost-green phosphorescent glowed in the small breakers, the tiny creatures riding
the surge. Later on someone said the word resurrection, but I didn’t feel anything godly in the room—I had the impression we were all waiting
on something, listening for particular resurrections, which is to say, maybe we believed. Or maybe we were desperate to believe.
My sister’s resurrection was all around us, filling the spaces between us, more solid than what was solid looking. If you had ever been
reborn, you might agree. Might remember a time when being “me” in the world seemed very queer; in short, get over it before deciding to let
yourself mutate into one of those graying creatures known as middle-aged adults. Perhaps try hanging yourself first.
No seventeen-year-old can be expected to realize that “what” depends on “why,” and yet juxtaposition alters content, and vice versa.
Our context fitting the natural world, awareness of its details changes our reality, moving us nearer to what and why we really are. Every
step toward revealing “why am I?” implies, thereby, improved self-knowledge.
And Dean said, “What did you do differently when you started over?”
“The catalogue is the iteration of characters through metonymy. One sort of reasoning would be this: Instead of saying that you are
going to the kitchen just now to make coffee and that that is going to reveal you, we could say, metonymically, that it is the very strong Peru-
vian coffee that reveals your character. That’s what I did—I took that leap.”
“I am surprised that no painter of today has yet devoted a work to the automobile, to the modern highway, to roadside inns, to gallant
sojourns, encounters along the road in Spain. Why not?” he said profoundly.
“When you come at last onto the cleared road, you see a gas pump. How splendid! But it is also the sole and unique gas pump in the
world surmounted by a cross. And my good sister is there, like a hermit, smiling at you but saying nothing …”
This took me back to another time: Did you dream of magic when you were a boy? When I was very young, I dreamt the gravel roof
of our house was a landing field for my imaginary ancestor, the Baal Shem of London. I’d listen for the sounds of hoofs and carriage wheels on
the roof. When I was a child, I learned to make time fly! To soar! And the poor spider has such a bad name. She represents an odious, crawl-
ing, fanged and noxious creature, which everyone hastens to crush underfoot or saturate with bug spray. And against this harsh verdict we set
the beast’s industry, its deftness as a spinner of webs, its wiliness in the hunt, and its awful nuptials.
I never liked my own face. The deferential smile hiding in a corner of the mouth, the strong round eyes. Facing myself in the mirror or
catching my reflection in a store’s window, I would often wince and scrunch my brow, but it didn’t help much; for I always saw through my own
foolish disguise.
I awoke with a start—my sister tapping on my shoulder. All done? I rubbed my eyes. You finished already? Yes. All done, my sister
repeated, aiming out the window with her right hand. My eyelids shut, I leaned forward until my forehead almost touched the glass.
“That’s the summary and misfortune of my life, Dean,” I said.
He looked at me without speaking. I opened my eyes and the light was too harsh.
Lilly, who had just woken, was making her way to the front porch with my pale and hollow-eyed sister. Holding her hand. But was the
pathway preordained, was it an existential trap?
“Tragedy,” she muttered. “Life is brutal tragedy.”
I laid my wet cheek against the cold fingerboard of the guitar.
“Yes, it’s true, true what they say. A thousand times, it is true. But who among us really knows the meaning of those words?”
- G.D. McFetridge
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