The Woman Who Attracted Money: A Robert Chance...

Copyright © 2011 by Steve Chandler

All Rights Reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced without written permission from the publisher or copyright holders, except for a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review; nor may any part of this book be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or other, without written permission from the publisher or copyright holders.

Robert D. Reed PublishersP.O. Box 1992Bandon, OR 97411Phone: 541-347-9882; Fax: -9883E-mail: [email protected]: www.rdrpublishers.com

Front Cover Artist: Angela Hardison and Seesaw DesignsCover: Cleone ReedBook Designer: Debby Gwaltney

ISBN 13: 978-1-934759-54-7ISBN 10: 1-934759-54-6

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011931509

Manufactured, Typeset, and Printed in the United States of America

FOR KATHY

Acknowledgments

Kathryn Anne Chandler for everything.Steve Hardison for the ultimate in coaching.Deuce Lutui for the internal commitment.

Barbie Gummin for the life coach connection.Maurice Bassett for the fearless club.

Michael Neill for the academy of super coaches.Brandon Craig for sales mastery.

Rich Litvin for the confidence salon.Todd Musselman for words and music.

Dusan Djukich for straight-line leadership.Fred Knipe for doctoring and cabaret performing.

Sam Beckford for being the small business millionaire.Terry Hill for the two guys quartet.

Peter and Victoria Sykes for the music school.Regena Thomashauer for the womanly arts school.

Stephen McGhee for modeling ascendance.Rob Owen for results now.

Ken Webb for a holly jolly Christmas.Colin Wilson for the books.Byron Katie for the work.

George Will for the review.

Table of Contents

1. Don'tYouKnowHowtoLive?.............................12. YourLifeIsGatheringLight..................................33. AreYouIsolatedorConnected?...........................54. WhatWouldPeopleThinkofMe?........................75. YourJourneytoInnerSpace..................................96. YourMostPowerfulHiddenTool......................147. ResponsibilityforMyEnergy?............................168. IfYouStartMeUpI'llNeverStop......................189. HowtoBankruptaFool.......................................1910.YouandtheUniverseAreOne...........................2111.WorkthatCausesInspiration..............................2512.CorporationsAreWakingUp!............................2713.WhyAren'tYouConnected?...............................3014.CoachingCanBeChallenging.............................3315.ElvisasaHeroandaFool....................................3616.YouDon'tNeedtoAttract..................................4217.HowtoMakeaRealDifference..........................4718.TheAwakeningSlave...........................................5019.HowtoNotEverGrowUp..................................5220.CoachingIsAllAboutPractice...........................5421.MyInappropriateLimitations.............................5722.PleaseDoWhatYouLove....................................5823.CreatingaCrimeofGenius.................................6124.ButThatWouldBeImpossible............................6325.NoOneCanBringYouDown.............................6526.IsYourLifeNotWorking?...................................6727.TheCouragetoChange........................................6828.HelpMeansYouAreaPro..................................7029.FindandUseYourStrength................................7430.WhatIsaCoachingConnection?........................7631.CoachesWantYourWord...................................8232.JuicyandSometimesaLittleMessy...................84

33.AreYouCreatingYourLife?...............................8734.DoNotFearFailure...............................................9735.BecomingViolentlyOriginal.............................10036.HowtoKnowYourTiltSwitch.........................10237.ReadytoGetPhysical?.......................................10538.HowtoBeAlivetoLife......................................11139.LiftYourselffromNothingness........................12040.IAmSeekingYourDisapproval.......................13141.RescueYourFutureNow...................................13242.WeDon'tNeedNoEducation...........................13443.WhatIfYouWeren'tAfraid?.............................13644.GoAsktheDog....................................................13945.CanYouExchangeYourBrain?........................14046.ProcrastinationIsGood!.....................................14247.Lost,StuckandMiserable..................................14448.ConfidencetoDoWhatYouLove....................14649.AWorldCruellyDisrupted...............................15050.ACoachShouldHaveaCoach?........................15351.WhyNotJustDoThings?...................................154

If you don’t change your beliefs,your life will be like this forever.

Is that good news?

~ W. Somerset Maugham

LIFE COACHING • 1

Don't you know how to live?

I saw the angel in the marble, and I carved until I set him free.

~ Michelangelo

Greatcoachesdoworkthatissimilartoasculptor’swork.Theyseewhat’spossibleintheirclient,andthentheyhelptheclientcarvethenegativebeliefsaway.Soontheclientisfeelingafreedomhehasneverknown.ThisfreedomhappenedformewhenIturnedmylife’sdreamsovertothehammerandchiselofmyowncoach,SteveHardison.

The term“coaching”comes fromtheworldof sportsandalsofromtheperformingarts.That’swhytheycallitcoachinginsteadof“consulting”or“advising”or“counseling.”

Irememberatimewhentherewasnocoachingforpeoplelike you and me. There was only coaching for athletes andsingers and actors. (Those superstars had strength coaches,voice coaches, and dialect coaches; they had quarterbackcoaches, golf coaches, and hitting coaches. For you andme?Therewerenolifecoaches.)

But soon a personal growth movement began as theworld gotmore entrepreneurial and creative. Individualsbecamemoreempowered.Nolongerdidmostpeopleworkforthesamehugecompanyatthesameboringjoballtheir

2 • STEVE CHANDLER

livesandthengetawatchandretireandwearthewatchintheopencoffin.

Creativepeopleandinnovativesmallbusinesseswererisingup.Peoplechangedjobsoften,andevenchangedcareers,andsoon anyonewho reallywanted to succeedwas consideringhiringacoach.

Why not? Two heads have always been better than one.Ifyouwantsomethingachieved,areyounotbetterwithtwopeopleontheprojectthanone?

Alotofpeoplehavethoughtthatthisexplosionofpersonalcoachingisabsurd.Whyshouldtheaveragepersonbehiringacoach?Alifecoach?Areyoukiddingme?Don’tyoualreadyknowaboutlife?Don’tyouknowhowtolive?

Peopleaskingthosequestionsweremissingthepoint.Thiswasnotaboutsurvival.Thiswasaboutthriving.

Even today,peoplewonder if their ordinary life qualifiesfor“coaching.”It’sthatwhole“littleoldme”approachtolowself-esteem and falsemodesty. That’s the very problem thatcoachingendsupsolving.

Mocking self-help is the ego protecting itself. However,protecting the ego keepsme isolated and shrunkendown tomymostsurvivableself.SoIfeeldisconnected,notonlyfromtheworld,butfrommyownpotential.

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted

the flame within us.

~ Dr. Albert Schweitzer

LIFE COACHING • 3

Your life is gathering light

The only real purpose of a goal is to inspire you to fall more deeply in love with life.

~ Michael Neill

I’vebeenconductingacoachingprosperityschoolforyearsnow,sothatcoachescanlearntobuildstrongpractices.Becauseoftheimpactcoachinghashadonmyownlife,Iammorethanatruebeliever.Iamawitness!

Ihavenoticedthatsomecoachesaresodedicatedtohelpingtheirclients that theyneglect theirownpractices.Theydon’tdevotethemselvestogettingmoreclients,eventhoughitwouldhelptheworldiftheydid.

That’soneofthethingscoachesforgettodo.Theyforgettobecomemasterfulattheartofenrollmentandsales.Butsoontheynotice that their life-changingworkcan’tgoonwithoutclients.Youcan’tchangethelifeofaclientthatyoudonothave.

I also help coaches believe in the strength of theirwork.For this, I sometimes begin with the lamppost distinction.Michael Neill, the colorful author of Supercoach, sometimestalksabouthowgoodacoachalamppostwouldbe.

Many peoplewho are just beginning as life coaches andbusiness coaches worry about whether they have enoughsmartsandexpertisetobeaneffectivecoach.


Consider a lamppost, Michael advises them. Let’s sayyourclientleaveshisofficeeachsnowyeveningandstopsbya lamppost onhiswayhomeand just talks to the lamppost.Let’ssayhestartstodothateveryevening,unburdeningtheday’sproblemsandvocalizingthepossibilitiesandoptionsfortomorrow.Thelamppostwillnottalkback;itwilljustbethereforhim.

Andbyacquiringthehabitoftalkingtohislamppost,thispersonfindshislifeisimproving.Itisgatheringlight.Hefeelsalittlelessburdenedeachevening,andbyexpressingoptionsandpossibilitiesheevenhasnewideashewouldnothavehadifhedidn’ttalktothelamppost.

Soifalamppostcandoallthis,imaginewhatyoucandoifyoucoachsomeone.

Sometimescoachingsomeoneisassimpleaslistening.Thenitmovestohelpingthemgetstartedonsomethingtheywanttoachieve.

LIFE COACHING • 5

Are you isolated or connected?

The cave you fear to enterholds the treasure you seek.

~ Joseph Campbell

TothosewhohaveaskedmewhyIhaveacoachandwhyI’vepaidpeopletocoachmethroughtheyears,Iaskthemwhyshouldcoachingjustbeforathletesandactors?

Theyreplythatathletesandactorscan’taffordtobeaverageormediocre.Theyhavetobeasgoodastheycanbejusttokeeptheirjobs.Greatness,tothem,islinkedtosurvival.Theyhavetobegreatatwhattheydoorthey’regone.

Well,sodowenow.Theworldhasgoneglobal.Nomorewhiningaboutoutsourcing.IfsomeoneinChinacandoitbetterthanyoucan,gameover.

Tohaveagreatlife,wehavetobegreatatwhatwedo.Thatscaresalotofpeople,butitexcitesthoseofuswithcoaches.WhyshouldInotwanttobeasgoodasIcanbeatmyown

career?EvenifI’mnotaproathlete?

But why do you need to pay for that? Why not do it yourself?

Because coachingworks and doing itmyself neverworksthesameway. Iwasokaybymyself,but Iwasnevergreat at


anything.AndevenifIwas,itwasn’tasgreatasitcouldhavebeen.SometimesthethingsIwasmostproudofIlatersawasunrealizedpotentialposingascompetence.

Many timespeople choosenot to get coachingbecause itwouldbespendingmoneyonthemselves!Itmightlookselfishtotheirfamilies.Itmightevenlookweak.Andthey’veinvestedalotofenergyinlookingacertainway.Lookingliketheyhavetheiracttogether.

ButeventhatsuggestsIamanactor.Thatalltheworld’sastageandeachofusplayourpart.Whynotjustgowiththat?

Actors have directors. Actors have coaches. Nobodyquestionsthewisdomofthat.

LIFE COACHING • 7

What would people think of me?

Personalities don’t love.They want something.

~ Byron Katie

OneofthebiggestlessonsI’velearnedfromcoachesisthatmypersonality’swildattemptsatpleasingothersandwinningtheirapprovalwasworkingagainstmyhappinessandsuccess.

Infact,IwaslosingtherespectofothersthemoreItriedtopleasethem.Nottomentionlosingallself-respect.

So itwas time to turn the spotlight inward—towork onmyself.TotakeTolstoytoheartwhenhesaid,“Everyonethinksofchangingtheworldbutnoonethinksofchanginghimself.”

Today I actually love investing money in my personalgrowthtochangemyself.Igetalargereturnfortheinvestment,evenfinancially (not tomention improvements in luminosityofmind,body,andspirit).

ShouldIhaveinvestedthatmoneyinstocksorrealestate?I sayno. Iwanted to invest inme. Iwanted it togo into

coaching.Iwantedtobefulfilled.IwantedtofindoutwhatI’vegotinsideme.

Lookingback, I seewhatbeingcoachedhasdone forme.Withoutit,mylifewouldhavebeenalong,drearycompromise.Adarkfestivalofregretsandmissedopportunities.


Nooneshould togo theirgravewith theirmusicstillinthem.

That’swhere Iwasheadeduntil Imetmy current coach,SteveHardison.Hewasn’tatherapistoraguruorapriestorabishoporasoulmateoraboss.Hewasjustmycoach.

And fromour first hour together,my lifewas neverthesame.

One quick example of what changed: Prior to workingwithhim,sinceIwasalittleboy,Ialwaysadmiredwritersandauthors. IwalkedthroughlibrariesandbookstoresasachildandlaterasacollegestudentthinkinghowmuchIwouldjustlovetobeanauthor.

Butsoonitwastoolateforthat.I’dalreadywastedforty-eightyearscompromisinganddoingwhateverIthoughtwouldkeepotherpeoplehappyandthewolvesawayfrommydoor.

IbowedtoothersaswellasIcould.AftermeetingHardisonandreceivingsomeveryenergetic

“lifecoaching”Inowhavewrittenoverthirtybooks,ontopicsrangingfrombaseballtoJaneAustentofund-raisingtobusinesssuccess,andfiveofthemareinternationalbestsellers,andsomeothersareheadedthere.

Doescoachingreallywork?Peopleaskmethat.Ifitdidn’twork,therewouldn’tbecoaching.Itwouldnot

begrowingsofasteveryyear. Asthehottestprofessionintheworld.

Andit’snotjustintheUSA.IhavebeenmeetinglatelywithcoachesfromEnglandandCanadaandmanyothercountries.It’snotafad;it’saforce.

Whycan’tweallbeathletesandactorsanddancersandartists and singers? Get some coaching andyou’ll find outthatwecan.

LIFE COACHING • 9

Your journey to inner space

Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In the space is the power to choose our response. In our

response lies our growth and our freedom.

~ Victor Frankl

ThespaceVictorFrankltalksaboutisinnerspace.It’snotoutthereintheworld.Andeventhoughwelovestoriesaboutjourneys to outer space, the journey to inner space is evenmorerewarding.

Andthat’swherecoachingconnects.Mycoach is theultimatecoach (dotnet).Healsocoaches

TVstarsandproathleteslikeDeuceLutui,thebestoffensivelinemanintheNFL.Andthoseofyouwhohavebeenfollowingthe Deuce Lutui story will want to see the latest at www.tbolitnfl.com.Pleasego thereandreadthestory.Read itandsendittofriends.

Peopletodaywalkuptomeataseminarandsay,“ThestoryofDeuceisthestoryofyou,andthestoryofyouisthestoryofme.”Well,yes!Myoldstorywasalsofearful,andmynewstoryisminetocreatefresheachday.NomatterhowoldIam.Nomatterwhatmystoryofagemaybeatthemoment.

Ageitselfisastory.


Weallhavestoriesaboutwhatitistobeold.Forexample,mostofuswouldnotthinkofanelderlyoctogenarianpumpingironandgettingstrongerbytheday.

A book called Biomarkers rounded up evidence thatchangesthestoryofage.Itturnsoutthatstrengthtrainingin people aged eighty-four to ninety-six increases theirstrength fiftypercent in threemonths and improves theirhealthradically!

Readytohaulaboxoffreeweightstoyourgrandfather’shouse? How will that go over? It would depend on yourgrandfather’sstoryofage.

Wherewillmy ownmotivation come from at the age ofninety-six?MycoachSteveHardisonisayoungman,comparedtome.Maybehe’llbetheretomakesureIgetthemostoutofmylife.Drivingaboxofweightstomyhouse.

That’s what coaches do, and that’s why coaches arescornedbythosewhodon’thavecoaches.Thiswholeissueofchangingbeliefsandstorieswhileasking for helpisasensitiveonetotheego.

However,ifagreatathletelikeDeuceLutuicanaskforhelp,why can’t I? The great runner-philosopher George Sheehanusedtosaythatweareallathletes,allofus.It’sjustthatsomeofusareintrainingandsomeofusarenot.

Forme,motivation isanexcitingsubject. Iwrotemyfirstbookaboutit.ItwasahugesubjectformebecauseinmylifeIhadspentsomanyyearsabsolutelynotmotivated.

InchildhoodIusuallytooktheoppositeapproachtobeingmotivated.Wheneveryoneelsearoundmeseemedmotivatedandabletogetthingsdone…fullyfocusedandfinishingtheirtasks, Iwas theopposite. I’ll never forget that ononeofmyreportcardstheteacher,inthecommentsection,hadwritten,incapitallettersanddashes,thewordL-A-Z-Y.

Itellpeoplethatstoryandtheygetconfused.“You?Lazy?Youarecreative,productive,andprolific!Igetprofoundemailcoaching fromyouat four in themorning!Youwrite twoor

LIFE COACHING • 11

threebooksayearandtravelallovertospeakandcoach.Yourunyourcoachingprosperityschoolwithsuchenergy!!!”

Peoplechange.That’sthebigsecret thatthescornersaretryingtokeepa

secret.Peoplechangeiftheyareopenandwilling.Picturemestaringatthatreportcardandseeingtheword

“L-A-Z-Y”andconfirmingmyworstfearsanddarkestbeliefsaboutmyself.

IconcludedthatIwasmissingsomethingthatotherpeoplehad. Somekindof innerdrive.I thoughtotherpeoplehadagenetically installed sense of purpose about life that I justdidn’thave.ThereforeIwouldeitherhavetofakeitinordertosurvive—inordertobeacceptedinsocietyandcivilization—orjustfindsomewayoutoflife,someformofsuicidethatdidn’tlooktoocowardly.

Well,forme,theworstthingthathappened,thatcouldhavehappened,didhappen.

AsIgotintomyteenageyearsandthenofftocollege,Ireallydidtakeakindofwayoutoflife(withoutreally“knowing”thatIdid).Igotdeeplyinvolvedinalcoholaddictionandrampantuseofdrugs;Iwasluckytohavecomeoutalive.Therewasatimeinmylifewhenfriends,family,andevenmedicalpeopleweresayingtherewouldbenowayIwouldlivepasttheageofthirty-five.

I’ve gone well past that number now, and I was veryfortunatetobeabletorecoverfromthataddiction.

People toldme that when I finally joined a program forrecovery that Iwould have to get a sponsor, and little did Iknowthatasponsorwouldbeanearlylifecoachforme.

Addiction had been an artificial form of all the thingsI thought I was lacking. They call alcohol “false courage”because it is. Heavy emphasis on the “false” part of theequation. When I thought I was lacking courage, I wouldhaveafewdrinksandIcoulddothingsIcouldn’tdowhenIwasn’tdrinking.Andthenincollegewewerepassingaround


amphetaminestogetreadyforourexams,andIgotintothataswell.Itwasaviciouscircle.IthoughtIhadtotakespeedtopasstheexamsthatwouldallowmetostayincollegeanotheryearsothatIcoulddrinkandpartyandavoidtherealworldandseeifImightnotjustoutwitandbypassthisthingcalledgrowingupandtakingresponsibility.

It just sounded awful to me, growing up and takingresponsibility.Nofunatall.Justatotalgrind!Ididn’trealizethen that truehappiness comes fromgrowth.Andgrowth isfunandexciting.Andapersoncouldactuallyparticipateinhisownspiritualrecoveryandevolution.

Ilearnedtoembracespiritualprogress,notperfection.Ialsobegan to realize, thanks tomy sponsor, that “responsibility”meantmorepowertome.Itwasnotashame-basedconcept.ItdidnotmeanIwouldnowhavemoreofanobligationtoyou.

Speed was a false form of motivation. It stole from thefuturetocreateanartificially jacked-uppresentmoment.Butthenyoupaidbackwaymorethanyouborrowedifyoustayedalive;andalotofusdidn’t.Manyofmyso-calleddrinkinganddruggingbuddiesareno longeraliveandhaven’tbeen foragoodlongwhile.

Sometimesyouborroweverything,andwhentheycometocollecttheytakeitall.

Later in theArmy Ihad to standguard late at night andso the Army doctors would give me Ritalin to stay awake.WhenIwasinlanguageschoolinthemilitary,doctorswouldregularlygiveRitalinbecausethestudyloadwassoheavythatwewouldstudylateintothenightwhenwewerestudyingourlanguages.Thenwe’dgetdrunkonweekendstounwind.

Theseartificialformsofmotivation,courage,andpurpose(orwhateverthatis)aredestructiveanddamagingandactuallytakeyou (as everybodywhohashad any involvement in itwill tell you) in the opposite direction, eventually. Becauseonceyoufeelalittlebitofaliftorasurge,youthenpayforitfiveorsixtimesoverwithdetox,hangovers,thelongcrash—


and just theworstnightmarishstuffyoucouldeverhavetogothrough.It’sjustreallyhorrific.There’snorealrewardtoanyofthat.

SoIwasfortunatetorecoverfromallthatandgothroughaprogramof recovery that startedeverythingalloveragain.Itallowedmetogobackovermylifeandeliminatetheguilt,eliminatetheshame,takeawayallthethingsthatIhadmadeupaboutmyself.

Thatwholebeliefsystemaboutmyselfthatwassonegative.NowIcouldstartallover.Recalculating!AcoachcanhelpyouresetyourGPS.


Your most powerful hidden tool

Avoid losers. If you hear someone use the words “impossible,” “never,” or “too difficult” too often,

drop him or her from your social network.

~ Nicholas Nassim Taleb

MycoachSteveHardisonshowedmethat this little thing

thateverybodyhascalled“creativity”—theability tocreate—was really, actually, the most powerful tool we’ve got forbuildingahappy,productivelife.

Heshowedmethatcreativitywasn’tjustforfingerpaintsinkindergarten.Thisthingcalledcreatingwasn’tjustaboutasonglyricoranewcomputergraphicsprogram.Youcancreateyourlife,andyoucancreateyourday(samething).

It’s so funnybecause children…when they are born andcome into life… enthusiastically tap into this thing calledcreation.Theydoitsojoyfully,andtheyloveit,andtheyspendthewholedaylookingforwaystomakeupgamesandmakeupplaysandactthingsout.Youcanturnchildrenlooseanywhere.Theycanplayinapoorpartoftownamongtherubbishandinanabandonedlot.

Irememberwhenwewerekidswelovedanyabandonedlot or a house thatwasunder construction. Wedidn’t need


Disneyland. We would go play anywhere and make itDisneylandbecausewewerekidsandhad not yet disconnected from our creativity.

Grown-ups project their own lack of creativity on theiryoungchildrenandtakethemplaceslikeDisneylandorChuckE. Cheese constantly to over-stimulate the child. They areprojectingtheirownemptinessonthesoon-to-bespoiledchild.Children don’t need all that. Children can (and will) createanywherewithanything.

Watchthemsomeday.Theyuseeverythingaroundthem.Theycanturnanythingintosomethingfun.

Howdowelosethat?We lose that by assumingpersonalities and thendefending

thosepersonalitieswithourlives.Nomorecreativity,justdefense.Thecreativelightandspirit insideofusstartstogetdim.

We start toput it away. Soonwe are operating…not out ofcreativity…butoutoffear.NowI’mafraidIwon’tgetajob.I’mafraidmyspousewon’tapproveofme,andI’mafraidofmyemployer,andI’mafraidIwon’traisemykidsright.

AndsoonI’moutofenergy.Becausenothingtakesmoreenergytomaintainthanafear.NowIcannolongermotivatemyself.

Peoplesendmeemailsthesedaysthatsay,“Idon’tknowhowtomotivatemyself.”Butifyouwereachildyouwould.You’dneverevenaskthatquestion.

Butnowiffeelslikeyouhavelostit.You’velosttheconnection.Sotheexcitingthingformeaboutbeingalifecoachisthe

connectionthatgetsrestored.That’swhyIcallitthelifecoachingconnection.Whenyoure-connecttoyourcorecreativity,itcancomebackevenstrongerthanitwasinchildhood.

Youcanre-connect,andhowtodoitisnotamystery.Itdoesn’thavetobesomethingpuzzlingwhereyoukeep

pleading,“Idon’tknowhowtodoit…I’mallconfusedaboutit… I needhelpwith it…” It can be something that you canaccessanytime,anymoment,andyouknowyoucan.


Responsibility for my energy?

Reliving past experiences through the lens of soporific sentimentalism, is a time-honored substitute for

choosing to create the rest of your life.

~ Will Keiper

Well, when I really got this—when I could really seeit—I took it out and field tested it and experimented withitandfoundout that itreallydidprovetobetrue:Thatweourselvesareresponsibleforourownenergylevelsandourownexcitementandourownenthusiasmandwecancreateit.

Itdoesn’tcomefromoutsideofourselves.That’sthereallybig awakening. That’s the real big switch that gets thrown.That’sthemassiveturnaroundthathappensinaperson’slife,whentheyfinallyseethatthebiologicalcomputer(thebrain)reallyworksfromtheinside-out.

Notfromtheoutsidein.Yet, everybody’s confused about it. I get e-mails like,

“Iwant to find something that inspiresme. Iwant to findsomethingthatexcitesme.Iwanttofindsomethingthatcallstome.”

Andsotheyarestillconfusedaboutwhereitcomesfrom.Howit’sgenerated.


OnceIstartedtoreallyseethisinnerorigin,Iwroteabookcalled 100 Ways to Motivate Yourself, which I wrote afterpracticingallthetechniquesmycoachwasshowingme.

Iwasalsomeetingmanyotherpeoplewhohadwaysto(inadulthood)getconnectedagain—toturntheenergyswitchonanytimetheyliked.Theyknewhowtogetenthusiasticandnotfindtheirpurpose,butcreatetheirpurpose.Developit.Designit.Makeitupanduseitforaslongasitwasfunandthencreatean even better onewhen the one theywere usingwasn’t asmuchfunasitusedtobe.

Thiswassomethingthatbecameanobsessionwithme.Imean,asfarasIcouldsee,everybodyhadthiswrong!Everybodywaslookingoutsidethemselvesforsomething

that’salreadyinthere!Itwaslikewatchingsomebodyinyourhouseholdwalkingaroundsaying,“Anyoneseenmyglasses?I can’t leave thehouseuntil Ifindmyglasses”andyouseetheglassesareontopofhishead.Andyouarelaughingandchucklingandtheystillwalkaroundsaying,“Ihavetofindmyglasses.Idon’tknowwhereIputthem.Iknowthey’reout there somewhere.”

Thesameistruewithyourcalling.Youthinkitwillcallfromoutthere.Butit’sontheinside.Agoodcoachhelpsyoudevelopthatcallingpowerinsideof

you.Otherformsofcounselorsorconsultantshelpyou“adjust”tolifeontheoutside,butacoachconnectsyoutowhat’sinside.


If you start me up I'll never stop

The secret to getting aheadis getting started.

~ Agatha Christie

AgathaChristie is the best-selling author of all time.Hereightydetectivenovelshavesoldoverfourbillioncopies.Yesbillion,notmillion.Sosheknewsomethingaboutdoinggreatwork andhaving an impact on theworld.And, becausehersalesaresofaraheadofeverybodyelse’s,wecansaysheknewsomethingaboutgettingahead.

And she discovered that the secret to getting aheadwasgettingstarted.

Life coachRichLitvin is especiallygoodat thisprinciple.Heaskshisclientstodreambig.Hewantstoknowwhattheyarenotdoingintheirlivesthattheyalwayswantedtodo.Then,after long conversations and deep searches into his clients’dreamsheasksthemtostartsmall.

Takethesmalleststepimaginabletowardthatdream.Picture the smallest step you canpicture, andnowdo

thatstep.Andnowyou’vestarted.


How to bankrupt a fool

To bankrupt a fool, give him information.

~ Nassim Nicholas Taleb

Peoplemakethemistakeofstuffingtheirheadswithwordsandnumbers.Theypileinmoreandmoreinformationhopingthatsoonerorlaterthey’llhaveenoughinformationtofinallysucceedatsomething.

But information only goes so far… and if you get toooverloadedwith it,youcangobankrupt learning to succeedinsteadofgoingoutthereandsucceeding.

Somepeoplespendtheirwholelivespreparingtolive.Whichiswhytheprogramslifecoachesofferalwayshave

a lot of action in them. Transformation works better thaninformation,andyoucanonlytransformthroughpractice.

Author/coach Michael Neill and I recently co-presentedasix-monthseminar for twenty-twopeople fromallover theworld.Itwascalled“FinanciallyFearless.”Duringoneofthelastsessions,wepassedouttheabovequotefromNassimTalebonhowtobankruptafool.

We wanted to draw a dramatic distinction betweeninformation, a gluttony of which can bankrupt you, andtransformation,whichwillleaveyouleanerandstronger.Most


of the people in the roomwere coaches by profession. Theywere in thebusinessofdelivering transformation, so theygotthepointfasterthanmostpeoplewould.

I work with coaches every day. They have become myprofessionalcoachingfocus.Ilovetheworktheydoinpeople’slives.My role in coaching them is tohelp thembuild strongpractices andmake a good living so they can go on servingpeopleintheprofoundwaytheydo.

Because it’s hard to be good at coaching people tosucceedifyouarenotsuccessfulyourself.Youdon’thavealotofrealworldexperiencetodrawon.It’smostlytheory.Youmerelychat.

Mostcoachesaresobusyhelpingothersreachtheirgoalsand live their dreams that they neglect their own financialstrength. They forget to set up a strong system for growingtheirpractice.That’swheretheworkIdocomesin.I’vedoneanumberofcoachingprosperityschoolswhereIhelpcoachesgain a mastery level of business prosperity. They learn toacquireclientseasily.

Inmyschool,thereisnoinformation.Whybankruptthesecoaches?It’stransformationornothing.


You and the universe are one

Everything is dependent on everything else, everything is connected, nothing is separate. Therefore everything

is going in the only way it can go. If people were different everything would be different. They are what

they are, so everything is as it is.

~ G.I. Gurdjieff

Everythingisconnectedandnothingisseparate.Butthenwhydowefeelsodisconnected?Itcouldbeallthestorieswebelieveabouthavingandbeing

separateidentitiesthatneedto“succeed”ontheirown.Goodcoaching re-awakens you—in your heart and mind—to theconnectiontotheuniversethatisalreadythere.Theconnectionyou feelwhenyouare feeling joyfuland theconnection thatseemstogoawaywhenfearcreepsin.

One good way back to our universal connection is theinternet,whichgivesusatechnologicallinkthatmirrorstheconnection that’s already there.And for all theknockingofsocialnetworksandthegamespeopleplayontheircomputers,thisinternetisagoodthing.Thisisagoodtimetobealive.

We’veenteredaveryexcitingage.People—even“averagepeople”likeyouandme—cantaketheirtalentdirectlytothe


wholeworldrightnow.Wedon’thavetoclimbthroughallthelayersofpermissionandapprovalweusedtohavetoclimbintheoldhierarchicaldays.

That’swhy life coaching is suchahot thingandgrowinglikecrazy.Becausepeoplehavemoreways tosucceedat lifethaneverbefore.Whynotgetacoachandjustmakeithappen?

Ifyouwanttobeanauthor,forexample,youdon’thavetofigureoutawaytogetsomepublisheroragenttoapproveofyourworkbeforeyoucangetitpublished.Youdon’thavetobattleforshelfspaceinabookstoreanylonger.Youjusthitakeyonyourkeyboardandyoucanbepublished.

Because these layers of hierarchical approval aredisappearing,anyonecanformagarageband,rehearse,writesomesongs,putupawebsiteandselladownloadablealbum.People canwrite eBooks and sell themwithout anyone everapprovingofanything.Nopermissionnecessary.

And because of this expanded opportunity for everyone,noonereallyhastosettleforamediocreperformanceoftheirprofession.Whichisexactlywhycoachingisflourishing.

Oneofmyclientsafewyearsagohadanokaydayjobbutreallywantedtobeapoet.He’dwrittenpoetryandotherthingson the side, but hewanted to see howgoodhe could reallybe.Sohehiredmetocoachhim.I’dbeenawriterallmylife,andafulltimesongwriterforanumberofyearsandevenhadpublishedsomepoemswhenIwasyounger.SoIwasabletocoachhiswritingaswellashiswholelifethatcircledaroundthewriting.That’s thebeautyof life coaching: it coaches thewholelife,notjustthespecialchosenfocus.

My client learned to challengehimselfmore andmore as awriterand itwasn’t longbefore literarymagazinesallover thecountrywereeagerlyacceptinghispoems.Hewasgivingreadings.Thecoachingrelationshipwasveryfulfillingforbothofus.

At that same time I also had a coaching client whowaspresident of an aluminum manufacturing company. Whatdid those twoclientshave incommon?What is thecommon


denominator between aluminum pellets and poetry? It wasthis:theybothhadgoalsanddreamsofhigherachievement.

The great American philosopher Ralph Waldo Emersonsaid,“Ourchiefwantinlifeissomebodywhowillmakeusdowhatwecan.”

Noticehesaid“chief”wantandnot“oneofourmanywants.”It’swhatwewantmore than anything else. Tofind somebodywhowillmakeusdowhatwecan!Isthereanywonder,then,thatcoachinghasbloomedandblossomed?

Alotofpeople laughat theveryideaofmyhavinga lifecoach.Why do you need a coach for your life? Don’t you already know how to live?

Apparently not! Because without my coach, I was livingdifferentlythanIliverightnow.

I was underachieving but I didn’t knowwhy. Likemostpeople,IhadtalentsIwasafraidof.IhadcourageandwillpowerIhadnoideaexisted.IcouldgoonformanypagesaboutallthethingsIfoundinmethroughthecoachingconnection.

But is it really somysterious? Iwroteabookaboutwhathappened tomewhen Iwas coachedbymy coach…how itallowedmetocompletelyreinventmyself.Italkedabouthowlittlekidsknowwheretogotogetafeelingofpurejoy…(byconstantlytryingtodothingstheyhaveneverdone).

The famous cryof, “LookMa,nohands!” is a cryof joy,becausethechildwasn’tsatisfiedwithjustridingthebike.Thechild triesriding itwithhandsup in theair,and the thrill isrightthere.Thereisnomorejoyfulcrythanwhenyouhearachildyelling,“Ididit!Ididit!”

It’sdoingthingsthatbringsachildjoy.Asgrownups,wehaveforgottenthat.Wesomehowthinkthat it’s feeling things thatwillleadtoourhappiness.We’velosttouchwithwhatweonceknew.We’vedisconnectedfromthespirit.

Coachingwasmyre-connection.Itworkedforme.Isitabigpuzzlethatifsomethingworksforimprovingtheway

youplayagamelikegolfitmightalsoworkforthegameoflife?


I’veknownmenwhohavehiredgolf coaches to improvetheirgameand…ohmygoodness…howtheirgamesimproved!Sometimesquitedramatically.

Theydidthisbecausegolfhadbecomeimportanttothem.Theyreachedapointintheirprogresswheretheyfeltstuck.

Yettheywerepassionatelycuriousabouthowgoodtheycouldbe if they could somehow take their game to another level.That’swhytheyhiredtheircoach.

What if they became as passionately curious about theirlives?What if theymadetheirwhole livesas important theirgolfgame?Becauseapersoncan feelstuck there, too.Right?Aboutlifeitself?Apersoncancertainlywonderwhatlifemightfeellikeifitweretakentoawholenewlevelofeffectivenessandself-expression.Andnotjustsomehypotheticalpersoneither.

MayIsuggestthatitcouldbeeveryperson?Wellmaybenot.Maybenotapersonwhohadhardened

intoalotofprideinhisexistingpermanentidentity.Notifhewasafraidtoletgoofhiswell-rehearsedself.Hewouldlaughattheideaofacoach.Hewouldhaveto.Tomaintainwhohewas.

AtopbusinessownercalledmeandsaidshehadreadoneofmybooksandhadsomequestionsaboutthislifecoachingstuffIwroteabout.

“WhywouldIneedthat?”sheasked.“You never need it,” I said. “You just want it. Or you

don’twantit.”“What’sthepointofit?”Ithoughtaboutitandfinallysaidtoher,“Whatifyouhad

never painted anything but were hired to paint a mural onthe frontwallof anewmuseum inyour community.Wouldyoutakesomeartlessons?Wouldyougethelp?Mostpeoplewould.So,ifthatisso,maybeyoucanalsoseeyourlifeasacreativeworkofart.”


Work that causes inspiration

Just as appetite comes by eating,so work brings inspiration,

if inspiration is not discernible at the beginning.

~ Igor Stravinsky

One of the greatest sports coaches of all time was JohnWooden.HecoachedbasketballforUCLAandwonmorenationalchampionships than any coach before or since. His motto was,“Makeeachdayyourmasterpiece.”AndalthoughWoodenwasabasketballcoachbyprofession,hisformerplayersalltalkaboutthelifelessonshetaught.

Woodenwasalifecoach.Hecoachedthewholelifeoftheplayer,notjustoneskill.His

teamswonall thosechampionshipsbecauseof that.Othermorenarrowly focused, strictly-basketball coaches lost thegames theyplayedagainstWooden’steams.

I was sent an LA Times article on basketball coach NancyLiebermanbyaclientandfriend.

Oneofthemanywonderfulthingsaboutbeinginthisworkcalledlifecoachingisthatpeoplearealwayssendingmethings.Wheneverthey see something exciting about how a coach has innovativelychangedpeople’slives,theysendittome.TheyknowIlovethisstuff.


SoIamnowreadingaboutabasketballcoachnamedNancyLieberman.ShetalkedaboutgoingintoHarlemasa“littlewhiteJewishgirlwithflamingredhair.IwasdribblingmyballlikeIlivedthere.”Shewentontobecomeastarbasketballplayerandnow, fortyyears later, she is thefirstwoman to coachateamintheNBADevelopmentleague, justastepawayfromtheNBAitself.

LiebermantookthejobcoachingtheTexasLegends.AfteraHallofFamecareerasacollege,Olympic,andprostar.Shesays,“I’veneverknownwhatmylimitsareandI’mnotafraidtofindout.”

Canyousensehowfarawaythatisfrompsychotherapy?Liebermanknewbasketballinsideandout.Butgreatsports

coachesknowthattoreallydeveloptheirplayerstheyneedtodomorethancoachbasketball.

Theyneedtocoachthewholeperson.SoLiebermancalledPittsburghSteelerscoachMikeTomlin

and said, “I’m a white, fifty-two-year-old woman about tocoachapredominantlyAfrican-Americanteam.IneedtoknowhowIcanhelptheseguys.”

Theymettogetherforhours.Thetopicwasn’tbasketball.Itwasleadershipandpersonalgrowth.

One of the all-time great UCLA basketball players wasBillWalton.HeplayedforJohnWoodenandneverforgottheexperience.InhisForewordtoWooden’sbiographyThey Call Me CoachWaltonwrites,“CoachWoodenisahumble,privatemanwhohasselflesslydevotedhislifetomakeotherpeople’slives better. John Wooden, while hired to coach basketball,never stopped at something so simple. He taught life atUCLAfortwenty-sevenyearsbeforeofficiallyretiringin1975,establishingrecordsforsuccessthatwillneverbetouched.”

Therecordscamebecausehetaughtlife.


Corporations are waking up!

Corporations have hired me to come in and train theirmanagers on how to coach people. They understand thatcoachingisdifferentthanmanaging.Theyhavegottenwindofthisphenomenoncalledcoaching.

Managing isnotgetting the jobdoneanymore. It’sbasedonanoutdatedhierarchicalsystemofmilitarycommand.Itismostoftenanattempttocontrolotherpeople,whilecoaching’sintentionistoempowerotherpeople.

Howdoescoachingempowerotherpeople?There’snooneway.Coachingisdifferentwitheverycoach.

It’screative.Itdoesn’tfollowrules.Sothere’sakindoffiercepoetrytotheartofcoaching.Thegreatcoachesarealldifferent.Theywouldhave tobe,because theyarecallingonsomuchuniqueintuitionandinnercreativitytocoach.It’snotascience.

However. It does seem to work. When you are finishedwithyourcoachingsessionyouhavemorepowerthanyouhadbefore.Whereas,when you are finished beingmanaged youhavenomorepower;you’vejustbeenmanaged.

Whenmanagerslearntocoachinsteadofcontrol,theybringoutthebestintheirpeople.IwroteabookwithDuaneBlack(The Hands-Off Manager) onhowmuchmoreproductive andinnovativeorganizationsarewhentheoldmanagementstyleofmilitary-typebossingisreplacedwithcoaching.


Which always bringsup theworry (and the fear in thecorporatemind) that coachingmightbe soft.Manypeopleassume “life coaching”might be an overly compassionate,organic, new-agey, woo-woo fad that will soon fade fromthescene.

It’s not and it won’t. Because coaching is proven toimmediatelyboostproductivity.Soitwon’tgoaway.

Andneitherisitsoft.(It’saboutassoftasVinceLombardiwassoft.)

In fact, a good coach is going tomove you quickly intohigher levels of responsibility and accountability. While amanagerjustkindofintimidatesyouandbossesyouaroundandencouragesresentmentandsabotage.

Roger Evered and James Selman wrote an enlighteningarticlefortheAmericanManagementAssociationon“CoachingandtheArtofManagement.”Inittheytalkaboutmanagerswhoknownothingabouthowtocoach:“Managersactoutcoremanagerialbeliefs,suchasbeingincharge,controllingothers,implementing owners’ orders, prescribing behaviors andevents,maintainingorder,gainingandexercisingcommandandcontrol,anddiscardingthenoncompliant.”

AndIlovethecoldphrase,“discardingthenoncompliant.”Sounds like a Hollywood divorce. It lets us know that intraditionalmanagementweareinaratherbrutalworld, theworldofhumancontrol,nottoomaystepsawayfrombullying.

Thecoachingworldisn’tassimpleasthatworldisbecausecoaching requires a partnership: two people co-creating avisionandthenexecutingthevisionbyagreement.

When I train corporate leaders on the differencebetween expectation (as a management style) andagreement (as a leadership practice), they originallythink I am asking them to become soft andweak. TheyfearIamparticipatinginthefeminizationoftheculture(asbest illustrated inAdamCarolla’shilariousbook, In Fifty Years We’ll All Be Chicks).


In fact, when leaders learn the power of co-creatingagreements instead of harboring expectations, they end upwithamoreaccountableculture,notless.Managerswholeadbyexpectationwalkaroundcomplainingconstantlythattheirexpectationsarenotbeingmet.

Creatingagreementsisamorepowerfulpracticethanthat.Coaching generates agreements and results. Managing

generatesexpectations.I coach you. You go into the world and produce a

wonderfulresult.Italktoyouinournextsessionaboutwhatyoudidandhowyoudidit,andyoubecomeacknowledgedandappreciatedandthereforeempoweredtointernalizeand repeat yourresultinlife,notonlynextweekbutalsolongafterthecoachingcontractisover.


Why aren't you connected?

Addressing a wide range of issues, including work, finances, health, relationships, education, spiritual development, and recreation, life coaching looks to

close the gap between our dreams and the realities of our existence.

~ Dr. Nathaniel Branden

The great British novelist E.M. Forster had a very

simple prescription for all artists, writers, and peoplein lifewhowanted to succeed and be effective.He said:“Onlyconnect.”

When I taught a public speaking class at a university inCaliforniaItoldmystudentsthatifIhadbutfivesecondstoteachthewholeyear’sclassIwouldsaythis…thenIwalkedtotheboardandwrote:ONLYCONNECT.

Becausepublicspeaking,writing,coaching,andleadership—inanything(includingparenting)—isallaboutconnectingwiththeotherperson.ItisnotaboutbeingimpressiveandlookinglikeI’vegotmyacttogether.

Wealllongtobeconnected.Weoftenuse“fallinginlove”asawaytoconnecttothejoythatcreatedtheuniverse.It’snoaccidentthatit’ssometimescalled“hookingup.”


SomegirlIlovesentmeaquotetheotherdaybyHenryDavid Thoreau, and it expressed something startlingand beautiful tome. The quotewas about a snowflake.Thoreausaid,

How full of the creative genius is the air inwhichthesearegenerated!Ishouldhardlyadmiremore if real stars fell and lodged on my coat.Natureisfullofgenius,fullofthedivinity,sothatnotasnowflakeescapesitsfashioninghand.

Snowflakes,whenyoulookatthemclosely,showyouthatcreativegeniusisintheair.Justwaitingforustobreatheitinandbreatheitoutand,bysodoing,connect.

When JohnLennonandPaulMcCartneyconnected, therewasnothing less thanthemiracleofBeatlesmusicspreadingacross the universe (like strawberry fields) forever. Whencreativepeopleconnect,amazingthingshappen.

But why should such connections only happen for rockstars,filmcrews,andthecreativeteamsatApple?

Youcanconnect,too.Puttingtwopeopletogetherinacreativesettingcanhave

marvelously explosive results. Fast Company had a recentarticlebyDanielleSacksonthehistoryofadvertisingagencies.Shewrote,

Before1960,admakingwasasolitarypractice.Copywriterstoiledawaytopitchaproduct,thenhandedthemofftoanartdirectorwhotranslatedthemintoanillustrationoraphotograph.CreativedirectorBillBernbach(theBinDDB)changedallthatwhenherecognizedthatpairingwordsmithandartistcouldsparkgenius.


Lifecoachingislikepairingwordsmithandartist.Thecoachisthewordsmithandtheclientistheartist.Anyindividuallifeonthisplanetcanbetreatedandexecutedlikeaworkofart.

Consider the man who lovingly and carefully sits in hisgarage building a birdhouse. All the care and patience of acreativeartistcomeintoplay.Whywillhenotbuildhiswholelifethatsameway?Afterall,heknowshow!

Butoncetheworkonthebirdhouseisfinishedhere-enterstheworld of real threatening life. It is, therefore, aworld ofnervousreaction.Insteadofcreatingtherelationshipshewishestohavewithhisfamilyandothers,hereactstothosepeopleandmakesascarymovieoutofhisworld.

A coach can change all that. A coach can connect withyouandthenconnectyoutothecreativitythatistherealtruehiddenyou.

Mostadultsrespondtocoachingbecausemostadultshavebecomedisconnected.

LikePicassosaid,everychildisbornanartist,andtherealtrick in life is to remain an artist. Becausemost of us don’t.Becausemost of us feel the disconnect right around juniorhighschool.

Wedisconnectfromouroriginalsavagegraceandcreativityinthenameofbeingacceptedandlikedandnotembarrassingourselveswithourpeers.Wesellout forapproval.Wegrowupandtrytogetjobsandfamilies.It’shard.Weformsafeandinsincere personalities.Wedisconnect fromour courage andourpower.

Thenacoachcomesalong.


Coaching can be challenging

Some of the biggest breakthroughs with my coaching

clients, and even inmy own life, have come from seeingthe benefits of challenge. I’ve seen how it benefitsme tochallengemyself.

Problemsthatchallengemebenefitme.When Icansee it thatway Ihaveacompletelydifferent

life.I’mnotjustavoidingthingswithmyday.Mostpeoplenewtothecoachingprocessrevealthatthey

haveanavoidance-basedlife.Theywakeupinthemorningandmentallypicturewhattheydread.Thentheytrytofigureouthowtheyaregoingtoavoidwhattheydread.It’salifeofcreativeaversion.

Theywakeupandtheysay,“WhatdoIhavetodo?Whataremyobligations?AndwhatdoIhopedoesnothappen?”

This is a life that is subconsciously being lived with amissiontoavoidchallenges.Becausethispersondoesn’tseethebenefitofchallenge.Theyseechallengeasanaffrontandinsulttothecomfortablelife;andsotheytrytoavoiditandendupbeingmorechallengedthanotherpeople,inthelongrun,becauseofallthechallengestheyavoid.

Let’slookatthephysicalsideofthis.Studieshaveshown(and I refer you to the book,Biomarkers, but you can checkthis out for yourselfwith your ownbody) that peoplewho


challengethemselvesphysicallyendupfeelingbetter—havingabetterlife,havingmoreenergy,havingmoreclarity,havingmorespirit.Feelingstronger.Actuallybeingstronger.

Theydidstudieswithpeopleintheireightiesandninetiesand gently they began bringingweights in.What a horriblething—pooroldeighty-fiveyearolds—youaregoingtomakethem lift weights? Are you kidding? Are you sick?What isthis—somekindofdeathcampexperiment?No.Thesepeoplegotstrongerandmoreenergetic.Theirhearthealthgotbetter,their outlook got better, and their lung capacity improved.Theirmetabolismwasbetter,theirnervoussystemwasbetter,andthecirculationintheirbodiesreallygotbetterfromliftingweights—attheageofeighty—attheageofninety.

What a graphic, measurable example of the benefit ofchallenge.

Even though, in our society, the very word “challenge”makespeoplesad.SometimesImeetanewclientandaskwhereshewantstobeginandshehangsherheadinsorrowandsays,“Ihavechallenges.”

I’llhaveclientscometomefrightenedbysome“problem”(and notice that I’mputting theword “problem” in quotes),andthey’reupsetthattheyevenhavetodealwiththeproblem.Theyarenotseeingthatdealingwiththisproblemisgoingtomakethemhappierandstrongerandbetterasahumanbeing.It’s like liftingaweight.Thearmstrengthensandtheweightfeelsprogressivelylighter.

Howtogetpeopletoseethebenefitofchallenge?Firstofall,thecoachseesitrightaway.Oneofthewonderful

aspects of coaching is that the coach sees the hidden benefitimmediately.

Eveniftheclientdoesnot.Sowhat is thatfirst step for the client? Sittingdownand

repeatingaffirmationsinthemorning?“Challengesbenefitme…challengesbenefitme.”That’snotbad—thatcouldbeagoodstart.Buthewouldwanttofollowitupwithexperimentation


and see if challenges benefit him.Accept the challenges andtake them on. Dancewith them until the challenges are tootiredtostandanylonger.

Challengingyourselfgivesyouarelationshiptochallengethat’sbeneficial.Youbegintoseeitassomethingthatservesyou and feeds you and gives you energy and gives youstrengths. Themore I challengemyself, the less the outsideworldthrowsthingsatmethatlooklikeobstaclesandhugeproblemsthatarehardtoovercome.Thesenowlooklikeeasychallenges.I’vebeenchallengingmyselfallweek—showmewhatyou’vegot.Whatdoyouhave?ThrowyourchallengeatmebecauseIlovechallenge.

If we could learn through experience to love challenge,then challengeswouldno longer befiled in the category inmybraincalled“What’swrongwithlife?Whycan’tlifejustbepurecomfort?Whywon’tthingsandloverscomealongtomakemehappy?”

Werner Erhard is credited with bringing coaching intoeverydaylife.EliezerSobel,authorofThe 99th Monkey,saidthisaboutErhard:

WernerErhardoncebluntlyputittome,staringright into my eyes, “There isn’t ANYTHINGthat isEVERgoing to comealong that is goingtomakeyouhappy.NOTHING.Getting that istheentréintothesysteminwhichthetruthlies,for the truth is always and only found now, inthe circumstances you’ve got.” That was quitesoberingnewsforatruth-seeker.


Elvis as a hero and a fool

There isayearning inallofus formentorsandheroes. Itstartsearly.Butitdoesn’thavetoend.Yourcoachcanbearolemodelaswellasamentor.Someoneto lookuptoaswellassomeonetolearnfrom.

Irememberasateenager,lookinguptoElvisPresleyasahero.Andhisearlyyearswereveryheroic.

Whenhewasyoung,hewouldgooutinfrontofhundredsof people… thousands of people… in an audience, and hewouldchallengehimselftoexpresshimselffromtheheartandnothaveanyfear.Heknewhewassingingdifferently,hewasmovingdifferently;hewasnotlikeanybodyelseinthewholeworld. But hewould just allow that expression… that hugeenergy,thatloveofthesong,thesenseofownershiptosimplyexpress.Letthechipsfallwheretheymay.

If you look at some of the early films of his life, you seesomeoftheconcertsandtheshowsonEdSullivan,whereyoucan observe the expression on his face and hear thatmusic.It’s so infectious even today. Even todaywith all the betterproductionvaluesinmusic,youcanheartherawbeautyandtheenergyinthemusicofElvisinhisearlyyears.

This comes from living a life of constant challenge, butit’s voluntary challenge. It is absolute joyful challenge. Hechallengedhimselfandhechallengedtheworld.Hey,lookat


this. Listen to this. It’s different than anything you’ve everseenandIdon’tcarewhatyouthinkofit.

Laterinhislife,thatwascompletelyturnedaround.Hislifebecamealifeofcomfort,alifeofease,alifeofpeoplearoundhimpleasinghim,theMemphismafiafeedinghimdrugsanddeepfriedpeanutbutterandbananasandwiches,andhislifewentintheoppositedirection.Therewerenomorechallenges.Imean,howchallengingwasittomakeamovielikeClambakeorHarem-Scarem, Girls, Girls, Girls,orFun in Acapulco?Itwasthesamemovie!Therewasnochallengeinhisworld;andbecausetherewasnochallenge,helosthisstrength;andwhenhisstrengthwentaway,hebecameobese,hisvoiceclosedup,hecouldn’tsinglikeheusedto,andhislifebecameanightmare.Hewasfiringgunsatthetelevisionset;hewascrazy,hewasparanoid,andhediedonthebathroomfloorattheageofforty-twowithallthosedrugsinhissystem.

He was a man who started seeking comfort instead ofseekingchallenge.Hewasbecomingthekingofcomfort.

Lessonsforme,allofthem.OneofthecallersintoanElviswebinarIdidasked,“What

wouldhavebeendifferentinElvis’lifeifhehadhadalifecoach?”He would have lived the last half of his life—instead of

avoidingit.Coachesgetyoutolive.Whathappenstouswhenwethinksuccessandmoneyare

allweoughttogofor?Wefindthatthere’snothingtherewhenweget there.There’snothing there.There isno real securityinthatkindofsecurity.Thereisnocomfortinthatcomfort.Itbecomesfresh,newparanoia.

Second home, second boat. Third wife. Private jet. Moreclothes.Moreshoes,moreshoes!Granitecountertop!!!Re-doingthehouse,redoingitagain.WhatamIlookingfor?WhatamItryingtoachieve?Morepleasure,morenicethings.

“Welikenicethings.”Emptiness,allaround.Andifmylifedoesnotcomebackto

me,thentheycanbringthecurtaindown.


Wearegoingouttodinnerwithacouple.Theykeepsayingat dinner, “We like nice things” but they’re just miserablepeople.OK,thesethingsarenice,yeah,but…you?

That’s what seeking comfort does. It leads to hugediscomfort. In thesoul.Butwhatabout turning thataround?Howaboutseeingthevalueofchallenge?

Iwascoachingaverycreativepersonwhoisaclientofmine,andweweredoingasessionoverSkypeonenight,andhewasbeaming.Hislifehadtakenoff;hewasservingsomanypeople,andhewas a very happyperson and he looked into the camera onSkype, lookedatme, andhe said, “This recession is thebestthingthat’severhappenedtothiscountry.”

Ilovedthat.Whatjoyinthatstatement!Butthereasonhecouldsaythatwasbecauseofhowhevaluedchallenge.Howhehimselfhadusedchallengetoincreasehiscreativityandproductivity.

Valuing challenge iswhat gets you the life that you sawwhenyouwereyounger.Whenyouwereakidandyousaid,“Hey,let’sseeifwecanjumpoffthis!”

Rememberthat?Challenge.Weknewintuitivelythat’swherethefunwas.That’swheretherealfunwas—inchallenges—notincomfort.Makingachildcomfortableisthesameasmakinghimbored.

Imeanwhatifyouwalkeduptoareallyenergeticchildandsaid,“Well,Iknowyouareplayingandyou’rerunningandyou’rejumpingoff thingsandyou’recrashingyourbikeandyouthinkit’sfun,butitlooksreallydangeroussoIwanttogiveyoucomfortinstead.Comeon in thehouse;we’regoing to letyou lieon thecouchandgiveyoualotofchocolateandfoodandputonaDVD,sweetheart.We’regoingtogiveyousomecomfort.”

Thechildwouldn’tbuyit.Theadultwould,butthechildwouldpreferjumpingofftheroofofthehouseontoadiscardedmattress.

Butparentsoftenproject theirownmisguided“need” forcomfortontheirchildrenandstartcomfortingtheminabsurdlyunwelcomeways.

Theworldisnowgoingthrougha“recession,”whichisapolite,comfortablewordforit.Itisgoingthroughachallenging


timebecausecreditcardsandfreehomeshavebeentakenawayfrompeople—“Sorry,nomorefreemoney.”

People can interpret this as tragedy. They can say it’sshocking.IseeclipsonTVofpeoplerioting,burningcars,andsmashingwindowsbecausetheretirementageintheircountrywasgoingtoberaisedfromsixtytosixty-two.“Ohno!Whatahorror,whatanightmare;wehavetoworktwomoreyears.”

Wedon’twantworkor challenge!Wewant comfort!Wewantretirement.Wewantout.

Orsowethink.Ihaveneverheardofapersononhisdeathbedlookingbackon

hislifeandsaying,“WhatagreatlifeI’vehadandwhatImostlovedwerethelongspansofcomfortIexperienced.LetmerecountthosehoursofmylifewhereIfeltsocomfortableIdidn’tevenknowIwasthere.Andthatwastherealgreatnessoflife—beingtakencareoflikeaninfant.I’mgladI’mhereattachedtoallthesetubes.It’slikethewombalmost.Ihavegonebacktothosewonderfuldaysofyesteryear.Beingfedbyothers,nothavingtodoanything.”

Nooneevertalksthatwayattheendofhislife.Peopletalkaboutthechallengestheyfaced.Peopletalkaboutwhattheywentupagainst.

IremembermyfathertalkingaboutWorldWarII.Warishell,butnotinhismemory.

Andashegotolderhewouldtalkabouttheadventurousthingshedidwhenhegrewuppoor,inParker,Arizona.Thechallengesthefamilyhad!Howtheytookinlaundryatnightandtheyallworkedonit.Hiseyeslitup.Youcouldseeitinhisface.Thosewerethegreattimes.

HemadealotofmoneyinbusinessandthenretiredearlytodrinkalldayandsitinfrontoftheTVsetandwatchre-runsofHappy Days.Thatwasn’tthepartofhislifethatherecounted.Heneverwantedtotalkaboutthatphase.

Isn’t that funny?Heneverwanted to talk about theverything heworked so hard all his life for, an early retirement!That’swhatthefuturewilldoforyou.That’swhatlivinginthefutureofcomfortproduces.Shame.


He never said, about his retirement, “Oh that was sosatisfying.Tojustbeabletogetupandmakemyselfamartini,takeacoupleofValium,andthengotakeanap.Nowthatmademylifeworthit.”

Thatwastheshamefulpartofhislife.Thatwastheparthedidn’twanttotalkabout.

Hewantedto talkabout thechallenges.Becausewhenhewastrulyalive,hewasamazingathandlingchallenges.

Andifwegotrealhonest,andifwereallylookedatwherejoy comes from, wewould start to welcome challenges.Wewouldstarttochallengeourselvesmore.

Iwakeup.Lookatmycalendar.DoIhavespaceinmydaytochallengemyselfwithsomething?WhoamIafraidtocallthatIamgoingtocalltoday?WhatkindofphysicalaccomplishmentcanIdothatIwasn’tgoingtodo?

Challenge brings joy, butmost people devote their adultlives to avoiding challenges. Because they think a challengeshouldn’tbethere.Achallenge isaproblem.It’sanobstacle.It’ssomethingtheyneedtoavoid.

Coachingpresentsachallengetopeople.Goodcoaching,especially.Whichisoneofthereasonsit’s

mockedbyoutsiders.WithmycoachlisteningtomemakeexcusesforwhyIhave

not taken big bold action in pursuit ofmymission, there isnowheretohide.

MyfriendMattFureycoachespeopleinphysicalfitness(hewasanationalchampionwrestlerandworldchampionmartialartist). He also coaches people on how to create successfulinternet businesses like he did.We were exchanging emailstheotherdayaboutwhatitmeanttobeatimewarrior(beingviolentlyuncompromisingaboutwhereyouspendyourtime)andhesaid,

Oneofmyfriendsincollegewrestlinghadthebestresponsetoafriendwhotoldhimheshould


bemoresociablesopeoplewouldlikehim:“I’mnothere tomake friends,”hesaid.“I’mhere towin a national title.”Hedid.Andpeople likedthatabouthim.

Isitacross frommycoach. I takeoutmynotebook.He isreading the email I sent him last night aboutwhat Iwantedto work on in our coaching session. He says, “I’m going tochallengeyourightnow;areyouopentothat?”

I feelmyheart skip,and then I realize that this isalwayswhenthegoodstuffhappens.


You don't need to attract

I speak slowly. I don’t get all psyched up and pumpedup.Idon’ttransfermyenergytoyou.Idon’twanttogetyoupsychedupandpumpedup.Idon’tlivewithpassion—atleastnotinmyaudiorecordings.So,let’sgetthatstraight.Idothisdeliberately.Ispeakslowly.Isloweverythingdown.

Iwantyoutobeabletohearthisatalevelthatyouarenotallpumpedupandexcitedabout,butalevelthatgoesinthere(intothesubconsciouspartofyoursystem—intoeverycellinyourbody)andbecomesanoperatingprincipleinsteadofjustinformation.Somethingyouknow.Itmightbecomeaplacetocomefrom.Iwanttoslowyourminddown.Idon’twantyouracingoutaheadofwhatIamtalkingaboutintoyourownfuture.

Thisfuture-racingthatwedoisreallytheproblemasfarassuccessisconcerned.Ifpeoplewouldsimplyslowdownandfocusonthebeautifuldetailsrighthere.

Chooseafewgoodmoneymakingskillsandpracticethemslowly.Wonderfulthingswouldhappen.

Butratherthanpracticingcoreskills,Ifindmyclient,Reed,pastingphotosalloverhisoffice…photosofhotcarsandhotwomenandseasidemansions.MichaelBubleissingingloudlyfromthespeakersonReed’scomputer:


So you want to be a rock star with blue-eyed bunnies in your bed

well remember when you’re richthat you sold yourself for this

you’ll be famous cause you’re dead

Reedexplainstomethatheisutilizingthelawofattraction.Hesaysthatonecannothaveblue-eyedbunniesinone’sbedwithoutfirstpicturingthemthere.

IsitReeddownforhiscoachingsession,andIsay,“Let’stakethisideaofattractionfirst.Ifyoureallywanttosucceed,oneofthefirstthingsyouwanttoeliminatefromyourmindisthisthingcalledattraction.”

Reed looks stunned.Hiswhole office is gearedup for aharmonicconvergence.Hebelieveshecancreateavortexforabundanceinhismindandhisveryroom.

“I’mtryingtodevelopapassion,”hesays,“forattractingwhatIwant.I’mincludingpassiononthatlist.”

Reed points to the word “PASSION!” written in deeppurpleonhiswall.

Hesays,“Iwanttolearntolivewithpassion.”IlookatReedandhelooksexhausted.Icantellhe’sbeen

workingonhisroomalongtime.Reed is not unusual. Spoiled as a child, he has been

conditionedtoalwayswonderwhosebootshehastolicktogetwhathewants.Whowillgiveittohim?Theuniverse?Ineedtotellhimthatthereisnouniverse.Canhehandlethatyet?

Reedisnotunusual.Prospectivecoachingclientsoftenbegintheircallswith

thesewords,“Iwanttoattractthingsintomylife.Iwantto find away to attract wealth. I want to find away toattractaspouse.Iwanttofindawaytoattractcustomerstomywebsite.Iwanttofindawaytoattractclientsintomyworld.”


Irecommendthattheydropthat.Iaskthemtolookbackthroughtheirlivesandnoticehowitdoesnotwork.Iwouldonlydropitbecauseitdoesnotwork.

I’veworkedwithpeopleforovertwentyyearsandIhaveneverseen“attraction”work.ThereforeIwoulddropitfrommy repertoire (myvocabulary), especially from inside thatpartofmymindthatcarriesthemorbid,toxicbeliefsaroundwithmethatkeepmefromsucceeding.

This thing called attraction—attracting a partner,attracting customers, attracting money, attracting wealth,attractinggoodcontactsandstuff—isoftenassociatedwithlifecoaching.Ornewagespiritualitywhereinweharmonizewiththevortexandcuddleupwiththeuniversesothattheuniversefinallybeginstoblessus.

It’s childhood all over again. What do I think Mom’sgoingtogivemeformybirthday??It’sexciting!WhatamIgoingtoget?It’sallaboutwishingandhopingforthings,soit’stheoppositeofwhatgoodcoachingbringsabout.

Coachingempowerspeople.Coachingdoesnotrelatetowhateveryoneelseiscalling“theuniverse.”

Iwanttodrop“attraction”asastrategyonlybecauseitdoesn’twork.HaveIrepeatedthatenoughtimes?Becauserepetition(annoyingasitis)hasyougetit.Soyoumightendupnotlikingme,butgettingit.SothatwouldbeOKwith me. I mean, that would be perfect for me. I’m nothere to attract admirers. I’m really here to have theseprinciplesgetinsidepeoplewhoareinterestedinhowandwhycoachingworks.

Once I dropmy love affair with the idea of attraction,whatcanIreplaceitwith?Imean,Imightwantaspouseorapartner.AmItonowbedeliberatelyunattractive?Imightwantcustomersorclients.Imightwantwealthcomingintomylife.SoifI’mnotgoingtobeutilizingthelawofattraction,ifI’mnotgoingtositquietlyandpicturethesethingscomingintomyworld,thenwhatcanIdoinstead?


WhatIrecommendforpeopletodoismakeadifference.Toactuallymakeadifferenceallday, everyday,byusing creation.Bysubstitutingcreationforwheretheyoncehadattractionastheiroperatingsystem.Ratherthanattractingapartner,Iwanttocreatearelationship.NowIcanbecomeactive.Icanjoinclubs;Ijoinchurchgroupsandconnectwithcivilization.

I rememberonce,manyyearsago, I joinedagroupofsingleparentswithchildren.Ihadfullcustodyofmykids,asdidtheothersingleparentsinourgroup,anditwasreallyfun.ButIcreatedthatactivity,andsoImademylifedifferentthanitwas,whichiscalledmaking a difference.

Making adifferencehas yoube creative throughout thedayinsteadofsittingbackwonderinghowtoattractthings.

Here’s the main problem with attraction as an operatingprinciple. This iswhy it’s dysfunctional. Attraction immediatelyassumes that thereare things (people,money,whatever)outsideofyou,outtheresomewhere,thatneedtocomeintoyourworldforyou tobehappy.That’swhatattraction isall about.Movingsomething from the outside to the inside. Therefore the wholethemeofattraction….thewholeprincipleofattraction…isthatyou are not enough.

Youdon’thavewhatittakes.That’sthestartingpoint.That’sthebeginningpremise.Youare

notenough.Youareincomplete.Youaremissingsomethingmajor.Youareadamagedself.

Andthat’saveryweakwaytostartyourday.Tobelievethatyoudon’thave…insideofyou…theresources

tomakeyouhappy.Youneedtohaveitallcometoyoufromtheoutside.Youneedtohaveitcomeinfromwhatyoufearfullyregardas“theuniverse.”It’sthesameoldpunishing Godparanoiathattheancientshad,onlydressedupinanewage“universe”language.

Tobecomplete?Ineedtoattract,fromtheuniverse,abeautifulnewpartner,moreclients,moremoney,aperfectjob,morehitsonthewebsite!Withattractionasmybelief,allthesethingsmustcometomefromtheoutsideformetobehappy.


Thathasmewalking arounddeficient as a human.Andwhenmyself-concept isdeficiency,howboldandconfidentcanIbeinmycommunicationstoday?It’smycommunicationsthat will bringme success, not the universe. But because Ihavebegunmydayfocusingonmylaundrylistofdeficiencies(dressed up as goals and dreams) I am weak and scared.BecauseIamnotenough.

Iamtryingto“attract”whatwouldcompleteme,andmywholedayisaboutthat.

Itleadstolowself-esteem.Itleadstobecomingsomeonethatotherpeopledon’twanttobearound.Welovebeingaroundpeoplewhohaveenough.Wholovetheirlives,whoareinlovewithlifebecausethey’vegoteverythingtheywouldeverneedto be happy.We love being aroundpeople like that andweare(dareIsayit—Ishouldn’tevensaythis)weareattractedtopeoplelikethat.

My coach taught me to turn my life around completely,so that my focus was on strengthening the inside instead offocusingsomuchonwhatwasmissingfromtheoutside.

MycoachSteveHardisontaughtmethatwhenIdidlookto theoutside, itwasalways to seewhere Imightbeable tomakeadifference.RatherthantowhomIneededtoimpressorwinover.IwastolookforwhereIcouldmakeadifferenceinsomeone’slife.


How to make a real difference

IonceworkedwithapersonbythenameofLyndonDuke.LyndonlivedupinOregonandwasacoachandmentorofmine—and he communicated with me in many ways. Heused to send me cassettes—coaching cassettes—where hetalkeddirectlytomeonthecassette!I’dneverheardofthat.Butit’spartofwhatiscrazyandeffectiveaboutcoaching.

Thereisnostandardconformityforeveryonetoimitate.Everycoachisdifferent.

AndsoIwoulddrivearoundlisteningtothesecassettesoverandover.Hewasapowerfulman,awonderfulgentlephilosopherandhisspecialtywasthe linguistics of suicide.

Howinterestingandstrange.Itsoundednegative.Thelinguisticsofsuicide!Itsounded

dark,butitwasn’t.Itwashiswayofbringingthelight.Because he had become so good and accomplished

studying suicide notes, finding out what would have aperson be that low on the scale ofmotivation, inspiration,spirit, that they would write a suicide note or that theywouldevenconsiderthat.Whathediscoveredovertheyearsinhisresearchwasthatpeopleinthatstateofmindwerenotmakinganydifference.Intheiropinion.

Theyfeltthattheirbeingonthisplanetmadenodifferencetoanyoneelse.


SowhenLyndonworkedwiththem,heknewthatifhecouldgetthemtothepointwheretheyweremakingadifference—no matter how small—and they knew they were making adifference,theirliveswouldtakeonnewmeaning.Theirliveswouldactuallybecome meaningful.

“Ifsomethingmakesnodifference,”hewouldsay,“ithasnomeaning.”

Overandoverhewouldrepeatthattome,sothatIwouldneverforgetthepowerofdifference-making.“Meaningisthedifferencesomethingmakes. If itmakesnodifference ithasnomeaning.”

At the same time that I’d discovered Lyndon, Iwas alsobeingcoachedbySteveHardison.IgaveSteveoneofLyndon’scassettestolistento.IwasafraidthathemightbeirritatedthatIwas learning fromsomeoneother thanhim,buthehadtheoppositereaction.

“Wow!”hesaidwhenheheardLyndon’stape.“Thatdudeisamazing!He’spowerful!”

Steve thought itwas absolutely great that Iwas learningfromhim.

Lyndon convincedme that if you could get a seeminglyhopelesspersontostartmakingevenatinydifference,itwouldchangeeverythingintheirlives.

Differencemaking is also the key to creatingwealth; it’sthekeytocreatingrelationships;it’sthekeytocreatingclients,creatingcustomers,andcreating the lifeyouwant. Iwant tolookatwhatdifferences I canmake today in the livesofmyclientsbyhelpingthemseethedifferencestheycanstartmaking.

Ifapersoniscontactingmeandwantingtotalk,Iwanttoaskmyself,“HowcanIcontributetothisperson’s life?WhatcouldIdothatwouldmakeadifferencerightnow?”Insteadof,“HowamIcomingacross?”

I’vehadsomanyofmyclientswhotellmethey’regoingtocommunicatewithaprospectivecustomerand“Idon’twantto come across like this_______.” I want to re-connect them


tothespiritthatconnectseverythingbyasking,“Whatkindof a difference can youmake in their lives today?” Insteadof allowing them to continue toworry about how they arecomingacross.

Stopcomingacross.Startmakingadifference.Peoplearesoincrediblyobsessedthroughoutthedaywith

how they are coming across! “I’m going to send this e-mail.Lookatit,Steve,okay?Howdoyouthinkthise-mailwillgoover?HowwillIcomeacrosssendinganemaillikethis?”

Andthat’sthewholefallacyofattractionasagoal.That’sthewhole fallacyof trying tomanipulateotherpeople’s loveandapproval.Itneverworks.Itneverholds.Infact,itbackfires.ThemoreobsessedIamwithhowIamcomingacross,themorerepulsed otherpeople are bymyphony attempts to impressthem.Thelesstheywanttobewithme.

Youknowthis.You’vebeentodinnerpartiesandsimilargatheringswhere

it’sobviouswhenapersonistryingtomakeanimpressionandwinapproval.Theyaretryingsohardtocomeacrossacertainway that theybecomerepulsiveandyou lookatyour friendandyoukindofsmilelike,“Oh,mygosh.Whatajerk!”Andyourfriendsays,“Yes.Heistryingalittletoohardisn’the?”

Andthisiswhywondering how I am coming acrosswillneverworkforme.Iwanttoreplaceitwithdifferentquestions:WhatdifferencecanImake?HowcanIcontribute?HowcanIhelp?

WheneverIvaluedifference-makinginmyworld,myworldliterallybecomesdifferent. I amsoon livinga lifeof creatingrelationships,creatingmoney,creatingclientsandcustomers,andcreatingwhatIwantinsteadoftryingtoattractit.

Creatingbymakingadifference.Trying to attract friends and wealth from outside of me

solidifies my self-concept as deficient, defective, and notenough.Iwanttoshift that toawhole,complete,andtotallyhappyme.


The awakening slave

If you want to live a life and have a professional career characterized by velocity and power, then you will

allow yourself to see and experience the source of that power. It’s your inner stance. It’s you.

~ Dusan Djukich

SusanMotheralisamentorandconsultanttowomenandafriendofmine.Shespecializesinhelpingwomenfindthehappinessandpleasurethatissometimeslostinthenameofaltruistic,saintlyself-sacrifice...livingforothers.

WetalkedrecentlyaboutboundariesandsayingNOandthe ability to eliminate clutter and complicated confusionin life. How a happy and renewed love of lifemost ofteninvolvestakingthingsaway,insteadofcontinuouslytryingto add things. Like Michelangelo did with his art... heobtainedahugeblockofmarble fromthequarryand thenproceededtochopandcarveaway.

Greatwritersdothatwiththeirmanuscripts.Theeditingandcuttingiswherethemagicemerges.

Susan sent me a postcard after our talk. It was aMichelangelo stone sculpture calledThe Awakening Slave...and the beautiful statue is only partially carved from the


stoneblock. Susanwas cleaningherhomeofficewhen shecoincidentallycameuponthiscard.

Shewrites,“LookatwhatIfound.Isn’tthetitlejustthebest for the topic of cleaning...?The Awakening Slave. Andthatdeliciousquotationfromtheartist,Michelangelo,comestomind:‘IsawtheangelinthemarbleandcarveduntilIsethimfree.’”

Coaching,whenit’sgreat,doesthattoo.


How to not ever grow up

One’s relationship to a life coach is often a long-term project, because there need be no end to the process

of learning and growth. This is why many champion athletes and high performing business executives retain coaches long after the time they have become successful.


Oneof thewaysIcoachpeople isviaemail. I’lloftenputother people’s quotes inmy emails that have helped peoplewakeuptotherealpowerinsidethemselves.Theypreferthispowertobeinghypnotizedbytheimaginarypowerofothers.ThisissuchaquotefromDr.BradBlanton:

Wishing is a way to remove oneselffrom what is going on now. Hope is how

most of us avoid growing up.

Oneofmyemailclientsdidn’tlikethatquote,andwewentbackandforthdebatingtherelativevalueofhope.Wefinallyagreed to thedifferencebetweenhope that led toactionandhopethatdidnot.Itwasagreatdebate,provokedbyBlanton’sratherharshquote.


And I enjoyed the exchange, because I am all aboutprovocation. I enjoyprovokingpeople so that theywakeup,standup,andstartspeakingforthemselves,andevenopposingmyideas.It’sallgoodenergy,right?Otherwisewejustliethere.

And I likebeingwrong.Onecanalways learnsomethingwhenone iswrong.Whenyou’re right, you learnnothing…youjuststarttoinflate.It’snotgoodtobeaninflatedperson.It’snotstrong.

Coaching is not about delivering expert advice anddownloadingsuperiorwisdom. It’saboutprovocation.Thereisn’tmuchvalue inadvice,unlessyoucountadvice likethis:“KeepawayfromrunaroundSue.”

Butthereisgreatvalueinprovocation.


Coaching is all about practice

Coaching is such a powerful concept, especiallywhenboth coach and client commit to creating transformationandsuccess.Twomindsarebetterthanone.

Yet,mostpeopletrytogoitalone.(Thinkingtheylookmoreadultandindependentthatway.)

Ibelieveoneofthetelltalesignsofaperson’scommitmenttosuccessisawillingnesstoaskforhelp.Iknowit’strueinaddictionrecovery.Reachingoutandaskingforhelpmeansyouarefinallyreadytorecover.Surrenderisstrength.

Inmostofadultlifeweassociateitwithweakness.“WhydoIneedhelp?WhydoIneedacoach?”

Noone really,ultimately, “needs”a coach.Butpeoplewho are in a good hurry—people who don’t want topostpone their career success any longer—want a coach.It’sreallyawant—notaneed.

Coaching is not therapy.When someone thinks they“need” a coach, they probably actually need therapy.Coaching is notdesigned tohealpsychologicalwounds(although it can, in indirect ways). Coaching is forsuccess.Itisproactiveandproject-oriented.Itbringsoutthebestinpeople.

I love the prosperity school for coaches I conductbecause it gives coaches a way to build strong practices.


It takes practice to build a practice. Coaches can learn,with practice, to become prosperous in their professions.And that actually helps their clients—who would youwant coaching you? Someone who has a strong, proud,prosperouscoachingpractice,orsomeneedypersonwhoisstrugglingtopaybills?

As the 2009 baseball season progressed I watchedplayers more closely than I usually do because of thebook I was writing that year about baseball (Two Guys Read the Box Scores). I also read more about this thingcalledtalent.

Because I’ve always had my suspicions about talent.I’veevenwrittenaboutathletesandmusicianswhopeopleassumedwere“talented”butwhoactuallypracticedmorethantheircounterparts.

I’vealsoexperiencedmyselfbeingcalled“talented” inareasthatIknewforafactwerejusttheresultofcommittedpractice that my coach helped me be continuouslyaccountablefor(andenthusiasticabout).Yet,ontheoutsideitlookedliketalent.

Leadingme to laugh inside about how good coachingcanmakeyoulooktalented.

NowtheresearchispouringouttoverifywhatIsuspectedallalong.Talentisoverrated.InfactIjustfinishedreadingawonderfulbookcalledTalent Is OverratedbyGeoffColvin.

I thought that was themost impressive book I’d everreadonthesubjectuntilthisweekwhenamentorofmineurgedme to readThe Talent Code byDanielCoyle.Wow.Thatbookblewmeaway.

Why don’t we teach our children this stuff? It’s soamazinghow“talented”theaveragepersoncanbecomeifheorshewantsto.

The Talent Code reveals the kinds of dedicated, deeppractice that leads to excellence and mastery. It is soinspiringtoknowhowmuchpotentialweallhaveinus.


YetwhenweseeaTigerWoodsoraPabloPicassooraMerylStreep,weshakeourheadsandadmiretheir“natural,inborngifts”notrealizingthatwealsohavegifts.Wejustdon’tpracticethem.

Coachingcomesfromtheworldofsports.Coachingandpracticegotogether.


My inappropriate limitations

My two-hour coaching session was today with SteveHardison.IenjoybeingcoachedbecauseIalwaysmovebeyondmycomfortzone.IgofartherthanIwouldhavegoneonmyownbecauseit’seasytofoolmyselfaboutmylimitations,butit’shardtofoolbothhimandme.

Thattakessometwistedskill.It’snotthatIdon’toftentry.SomewhereinhishomeHardisonhasaframedquotation

fromNathaniel Branden that pretty much sums up how heapproachescoachingandlife:

I am convinced that one of the most helpful things we can do for people is to refuse to buy into their inappropriately restricted views of their limitations.

~ Nathaniel Branden


Please do what you love

StephenMcGhee flew into Phoenix to meet with me forfourhoursonthesubjectofconductingacoachingschool.HebroughthisownclientMarkMusselmanwithhim.Wehadasmall conference room at theAirportHilton andwent deepintothecontentofthecoachingprosperityschoolsI’vetaught,oneofwhichStephenMcGheeattended.

McGheeisoneofthemostdedicatedandgiftedcoachesIhaveeverknown.Hisbook,Learning to Believe the Unbelievable canbe foundonAmazonand ishighly recommended.Afterthethreeofusmet,hewenthomeandwrotethisinhisblog:

Recently, I was in a meeting with SteveChandler, a well-known author and leadershipcoach. He said, “The faster a person gets intouchwith reality, the fasterhewill succeed”– (www.imindshift.com). These words wereenergized with Spirit. It was a statement thatclearlysangoutwithtruthandwisdom.

Oneofmycoachingclientshasbeenholdingonto a job he has essentially disliked for years.Sureitprovidedincome.Hewascomfortable.Andeachnighthewenthomefeelingemptyinside.Is


thishowyouwanttolivelife?Icantellyou,Ihavedone thismanytimes in life. It isnot fun.Oncehemade thedecision tomovehisenergy intoacareerhe loveshis lifehas transformed.Hehasdroppedovertwentypoundsintwomonths.Hisrelationshipwith hiswife ismore intimate andloving.Helooksdifferent.Hewalksdifferent.Heisinspiringotherpeopleinhislifeasanexampleofleadership.Gettingrealinonemajorareahastransformedeveryarenaofhislife.

I invite you into themiracle of reality.MyformercoachandmentorSteveHardisonsays“Whywouldyoueverdoanythinginyourlifethat you don’t love doing?” At the time thatconcept struck me as incredibly insightful.Why would I do that to myself? I thought Iwas being responsible by being tough. Then,I began towonder—responsible towhom?Tothosearoundmethatjustwantmetobehappy?Inolongerseeitthatway.Itwasmysillyidea,notmyfamily’s.

Someoneona recentflight toDCaskedmeaboutmyjob?IsaidIdon’thaveajob.IhavenothadajobfortwelveyearsandyetIdosomethingthatenlivensmeeverydayofeveryweek. It’slucrative and enjoyable. Some of us feel thosetwoelementsaremutuallyexclusive.That’snottrue. The story somepeople have is thatworkshould be hard. You show me someone thatis in touchwith reality and Iwill show you apersonthatsucceeds.Iwillshowyouinspirationinaction.Therewill bepoetry in thatperson’smotion,because there isnogap in reality. It iscleanandcrisp.


Oneofthereasonspeopledon’thireacoachandgetgoodcoachingisbecausetheywouldratherlookoutsidethemselves(tocircumstances)forhelpthaninside.Acoachwillhavethemlookinside.Butmostpeoplepreferoutsidehelp,sometimesintheformofloansor“investments.”

Asifmoneyweretheanswertotheirlackofsuccess.Theyare theclassic incompetentsmademore incompetent

withahandout,notless.Giveamanafishandheeatsforaday.Teachamantofish(agoodcoachingsessionisreallyafishinglesson)andheeatsforalifetime.

Ijustrememberedafewvariationsonthe“teachamantofish”conceptthatI’vealwaysliked:

Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you will not have to listen to his incessant whining about how hungry he is.

***

Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

***

Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime. Teach a man to sell fish and he eats steak.


Creating a crime of genius

If a person suffers from acute anxiety, severe depression, or low self-esteem, he or she needs psychotherapy, not life coaching. However, if a

person is basically healthy but is seeking greater fulfillment in one or another aspect of life, life

coaching can be invaluable.


TodayIattendedaseminaronlawenforcementputonbyafriendandadvisorwhoisalsoadetectivewhoheadsup the criminal investigations unit of the Gilbert PoliceDepartment and runs anationalprogram that trains copsonhowtocatchkillers.

His techniques of cutting-edge cell-phone tower trackingandotherhigh-techsecretsofpursuitwerefascinatingtolearn.I tookmanypagesofnotes forabook IamwritingcalledA Crime of Genius. ThatbookisthesecondinaseriesofmysteriesthatbeginswithThe Woman Who Attracted Money.

As I sat in the seminar among all those law enforcementpeoplewithweapons on their hips taking notes, I really felttheirdedication.Thesepeopleputtheirlivesonthelineeverydaytokeeptherestofussafe.Wetakethemforgranted.But


theyworksohard.Youshouldhaveseenthemtakingnotesandaskingquestions.Thatkillerwhomightbeonthelooseisnowatarealdisadvantageupagainstthesebrave,smartpeople.

Andthat’sthekindofthingthat’sfunformetowriteabout.My other bigmotive in writingmy first mystery was to

introducepeopletocoaching.InthebookmylifecoachRobertChance has some coaching sessionswithMadisonKerr. Thereadergets toseehowacoachthinksandworks,andhowaclient’sworldopenslikeabutterfly.

InawildkindofwayIwantedtogettheideaofcoachingtoawideraudience.Ialwayswantedtowritemysteries,soImademyheroacoachwhousedtobeacop.Andalotoffriendsandreadershavetoldmethattheyneverknewanythingaboutcoachingorwhatcoachingcoulddountiltheywereluredintothismurdermystery.

I love writing fiction. It’s just huge fun, and very, verydifficultwork.AndIenjoydifficultwork.

Ididn’tenjoyworkbefore.NotbeforeIgotacoach.BeforeIgotacoach,workwassomethingIhated.HetransformeditintosomethingIabsolutelylove.

Inmy past life as a total victim (and I reallywas one!) Iavoidedwork.

Then,throughmycoachingsessions,Igotit.Work,whenreallyengaged,isthemostfunanyonecouldeverhave.Whenitisdoneinathoroughlydisciplinedway,itisatotaljoy.

Coachinghasgivenmea life-changingmessage:Only the disciplined are free.


But that would be impossible

Iranawriter’sworkshopthathostedmorethantwenty-fivewritersgatheringtoexplorethedepthsofcreativity,disciplineandbookpublishing.

Theworkshopopenedwiththisquote:

“Every noble work is, at first, impossible.”

~ Thomas Carlyle

Butwhatdowemeanbyimpossible?OneoftheexercisesIoftenhavemycoachingclientsdoistositdownandcreateanimpossiblefuture.

Is this practical? Does it not just get their hopes up andindulgetheirfantasies?

Notquite.Becausewehavemisusedtheconceptcalled“impossible.”

Weautomaticallyputwaytoomanythingsintothatcategory.Andbecausewedothat,wecondemnourselvestoGroundhogDay.Weliverepetitivedefaultdays,alwaysthinkingthesamethoughtsandindulgingthesamefears.Wedothisdayin,dayout, only getting about three percent to nine percent betteratwhatwedoeachyearbecausewearenot tryinganything


newordaringlyexperimental.Thereisnostretch.Wearenotthinkinginnewways.

Whyaren’twe?Those great ideasweget are impossible.Or sowe think.

Andsowesay.Thereforeareallyeffective jump-starttoquantumgrowth

inperformanceandachievementistolistallthe“impossible”thingsyouwouldliketodo.Andtheonlyruletotheexerciseisthattheyhavetobe,inyourownmind,currently,impossible.

Thisisagreatcoachingexercisebecauseinthepastmymindwouldnotevengothere.OnceIsaytomyselfthatsomethingisimpossible,Iproduceatotalblackout.It’sashutdowncategorywherethemindcannevertravel.

“I’dliketo….oh,butthat’simpossible.”Inthiscoachingexercisewedon’tcarethatit’simpossible

becausethat’stheruleofthegame…itHASTOBEimpossible.Strangethingsthenhappen.Theimpossibleconcept,once

twopeople get really creativewith it, andbrainstorm it andworkonitandlookatitfromeveryimaginableangle…no…longer….looks…impossible.


No one can bring you down

OnedayIgaveatalkatawomen’sgroupofrealtors.ItalkedabouthowIcoachmyclients…howIaskthemwhethertheywanttocedeandconcedeandsurrenderallpowertoexternalcircumstances liketheeconomy,thehousingmarket,andthetemperatureofthesun.

Or,ifinstead,theywerewillingtoturninwardandstrengthenthemselves fromwithinso that theyenteredthemarketwithcourage,creativity,enthusiasm,andtotallyinventivespunk.

I lovegivingthesetalksandthegreatexchangeswiththeaudiencememberswhoaskthebestquestionsintheworld.

Herewas one question: “How do I handle itwhen I amoptimisticandopportunisticbutpeoplearoundme,especiallyfamily,arecynicsandpessimists?”

I have no solution for that situation because there is noproblem. The only “problem” is a perceived problem in thebio-computer of the person perceiving the problem. If yourbiological computer has been tuned recently, it can’t see aproblem in pessimistic familymembers for the same reasonthatitcan’tseeaproblemwithautumnleaves.

IgrewupinMichigan,andintheautumntheleavesonthetreeswould change color and then fall bymywindow. Theautumnleavesofredandgold.Wasthereaproblemwiththat?No.It’swhattreesdo.


Same thing with people. They get emotional. They getcynicalandpessimistic.Isthereaproblemwiththat?Notunlessmyownbio-computerisoutoforder.

“ButthereISaproblem!”saidthewomanrealtor,“becausetheybringmedown!Theymakemefeelawfulbythe timeIleavetheirhouse!”

Butthisisonceagainamisunderstanding.Afaultyuseofthebio-computer.Liketryingtotypeonyourkeyboardwhenit’supsidedown.

Becausenoonecanbringyoudown.Thebrainwasn’tsetuptoworkthatway.(Thankgoodness.

OtherwiseI’dbedownallthetime!I’djustturnontheeveningnewsandI’dbedownintwominutes!Notbecauseofreality,whichisjustfine,butbecauseofhowit’sbeingsoldtous.)

The brain was set up to only produce an emotion inresponsetoaninternalthought.Nevertoanythingexternal.Notevenrelatives.


Is your life not working?

Either you will make your life work,or your life will not work.

~ Nathaniel Branden

Igetcontactedbyalotofpeoplewhoselivesarenotworking.Theirbusinessesarenotworking.Theywantcoaching.

Theywanttheirlivestoworkagain.Buttheydon’tseetheproblem.WhenIaskthemtodescribewhattheythinkiswrong,allI

hearaboutisotherpeople.Otherpeopledisappointthem.Orscarethem.ThenIhearaboutcircumstance.Thecompetition.Theeconomy.Theirlocation.

Iknowrightawaywhytheirlivesarenotworking.Alifeofexpectationisalifeofdisappointment.Alifeoftryingtowintheapprovalofothersisalifeoffear.

My jobasacoach is torestore thecreative life.Becauseacreative life is a lifeof actionandhuge energy for achievinglargeandsmallgoals;it’salifeofhappyflow.It’sneveryourlifethat’snotworking.It’salwaysjustyou.Butthat’sthebestnewstherecouldeverbe.


The courage to change

Thefirstreallypowerfulcoachinginmylifecamefrommysponsor.Iwasinarecoveryprogramforalcoholinthe1980sand when you get serious about taking a spiritual path torecoveryyougetasponsor.

Imetwithmysponsoratleastonceaweek,andhecoachedmecompassionatelybutinaveryuncompromisingway.Iwasheldaccountableformyrecoverysteps.

RecentlyIwenttoatwelve-stepmeetingwithadearfriendwho was celebrating her first ninety days of sobriety. Eventhough Ihavealmost thirtyyearsnowof recovery from thishorrific and demeaning addiction, I always learn somethingfortifyingandilluminatingatthesemeetings.

Whydo I include thismeeting inabookaboutcoaching?BecausenoneofmybookswouldhavebeenwrittenhadInotexperiencedthisprogramofchange.

Everythingcomesfromhavingbecomeclear.Thereareformsofcoachingeverywhere.Whynotmakeit

consciousanddeliberate?Atthebeginningofthetwelve-stepmeetingonerecovering

personreadthesewords,wordsshecalled“thepromises”:

If we are painstaking about this phase of ourdevelopment,wewill be amazedbeforeweare


halfway through.We are going to knowa newfreedomandanewhappiness.Wewillnotregretthepastnorwishtoshutthedooronit.Wewillcomprehendthewordserenityandwewillknowpeace. No matter how far down the scale wehavegone,wewill seehowour experience canbenefit others. That feeling of uselessness andself-pitywilldisappear.Wewill lose interest inselfish things and gain interest in our fellows.Self-seekingwill slip away.Ourwhole attitudeandoutlookuponlifewillchange.Fearofpeopleandofeconomicinsecuritywillleaveus.Wewillintuitively know how to handle situations thatused tobaffleus.Wewill suddenly realize thatGod is doing for us what we could not do forourselves. Are these extravagant promises?Wethink not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimesquickly,sometimesslowly.Theywillalwaysmaterializeifweworkforthem.

Thosepromiseshavebeenkeptinmylife.YetIstillrunintopeoplewhosaythatpeopleneverchange.Buttheyaresowrong.Peopleneverchange?Lookatallthe

BeforeandAfterpicturesIseeeveryday.Lookatthepersonwhooncewasadailydrunkandnowhasagoodjob,afamily,andiscontributingtosociety.Howbigachangedoyouwant?

My coach coached a guy who was in so much debt hislifelookedhopelessandhisbusinesslookeddoomed.Afterayearandahalfwithmycoachhewasdebt-freeandoneofthewealthiestpeople in town.And that’s justmoney. Ionlyusebreakthroughsinmoneyasexamplesbecausetheyaresoeasyto measure. The real coaching breakthroughs occur in evenbetterwaysthanthat.


Help means you are a pro

We are, each of us, angels with only one wing; and we can only fly embracing each other.

~ Luciano de Crescenzo

Steven Pressfield has written a true masterpiece on thesubjectofcreativity(asubjectthatconcernsusallwhetherwerealizeitornot)calledThe War of Art.

HehasashortchapterinthebookcalledAPROFESSIONALDOESNOTHESITATETOASKFORHELP.Hewrites,

Tiger Woods is the consummateprofessional. It would never occur to him,as it would to an amateur, that he knowseverything, or can figure out everything onhis own. On the contrary, he seeks out themostknowledgeableteacherandlistenswithbothears.Thestudentofthegameknowsthatthelevelsofrevelationthatcanunfoldingolf,asinanyart,areinexhaustible.

When I was younger I would experiment by readingEmersonandallowinghisphilosophyandpoetrytoinfluence


mymind.AfterIgotoutofrecoveryforalcoholIrealizedthatlivingwithoutaphilosophywasnotservingme.

WithoutmyownphilosophyoflifetoguidemeIwassimplyattachingtothenextpersonorthingthatcaughtmyfancy.Iranoutofmoneyandlucklivingthisway.

Then Ibeganexperimentingwith religion,psychotherapyand hypnosis. They all helped, in their own way. Now Iwas getting somewhere, because Iwas gathering a storm ofmomentum.Philosophicalmomentum.

Iexperimented,then,withacoach.Forthefirsttime!IhiredTomRompelinTucsontocoachmeandmybusiness(IownedanadvertisingagencyandPRfirm).RompelhadbeenastudentandbusinessassociateofWernerErhard.

Was I sure I wanted to experiment with that? Wasn’tErhard made fun of by TV and movies for leading thatextremeESTprogram?

Well,yes.Butas I’ve latercome tounderstand, televisionmedia is not devoted to accuracy. It’s devoted to its ownpoliticallyself-righteoussuperstitionsandsellingus thedarklinkbetweengreedandfear.Accuracy isWAYdownthe listof their philosophical guidelines. So theywerewrong aboutWernerErhard,buttheydidn’tmindintheleast.

TomRompel,whowouldbemyfirstcoach,wouldberightaboutWernerErhard.Hehadworkedathisside.Heknewhimwell.Helearnedsomuchfromhim.Ibenefittedimmediately.

Erhardwas dedicated to raising the consciousness of thecommunityandincreasingtheeffectivenessoftheindividual.Hewasmovedbythispurpose,justasGandhiwasmovedbyhispurpose.Bothwereaboutstrengtheningthemind.Gandhioncesaid,

Iover-eat,Ihaveindigestion,Igotoadoctor,hegivesmemedicine,Iamcured,Iover-eatagainandtakehispillsagain.HadInottakenthepillsin the first instance, I would have suffered the


punishment deserved by me, and I would nothaveover-eatenagain.Thedoctorintervenedandhelpedmetoindulgemyself.Mybodycertainlyfeltmoreatease,butmymindbecameweakened.

Gandhi was describing a societal magnetism towardcomfortattheexpenseofpersonal,mentalstrength.Hehimselfcountereditwithallkindsofausteritiesandfasting.

Iwastobeginmyowncounterofsociety’spullbyusingacoach.Acoach,TomRompel,wholatersaidhe“hadtouseatwo-by-four”inoursessionstogetmyattention.

Buthegotmyattention.AndIlearnedwhatitwasliketoliveonpurpose.There is a famousquotebyGeorgeBernardShawon the

subject, and although I have read it hundredsof times (and,perhaps, so have you) it isworth repeating.When you readthisquote,compareittobeinglost.BecausethelongerIlivethemoreIrealizethatlifeisachoicebetweenthisquotebyShaw…andbeinglost.

Thisisthetruejoyinlife,thebeingusedforapurposerecognizedbyyourselfasamightyone;thebeingaforceofnatureinsteadofafeverish,selfish little clod of ailments and grievancescomplainingthattheworldwillnotdevoteitselftomakingyouhappy.

Iamoftheopinionthatmylifebelongstothewholecommunity,andaslongasI liveit ismyprivilegetodoforitwhateverIcan.

IwanttobethoroughlyusedupwhenIdie,fortheharderIworkthemoreIlive.Irejoiceinlifeforitsownsake.Lifeisno‘briefcandle’forme.ItisasortofsplendidtorchwhichIhavegotholdofforthemoment,andIwanttomakeitburnasbrightlyaspossiblebeforehandingitontofuturegenerations.


One of the first things Rompel did was take me into anofficetoshowmeavideoofaneventfacilitatedbyhisparentcoachingcompany,TransformationalTechnologies.

Itwascalledthe“ManagerasCoach”andwasabusinessseminarthatwasshownonsatellitein1987onTVtoovertenthousandpeople across theU.S. They say itwas the largestteleseminareverdoneuptothattime.

TheparticipantswereJohnWooden,GeorgeAllen(Redskinscoach), Red Auerbach (Celtics coach), Tim Galway (TenniscoachandtheauthorofThe Inner Game of Tennis),andWernerErhard (founderofTransformationalTechnologiesand, later,LandmarkEducation).

That was the first time I’d ever thought of coaching assomethingthatcouldapplytosomeoneoutsideofathletics.


Find and use your strength

Dr. Martin Seligman is someone whose work on thepsychologyofoptimismI’vepraisedandusedandadmiredforyears.Hisdeep,respectedresearchhasuncoveredasimplekeytohappiness:Useyourstrengthsoften.

Butmanytimesweforgetourstrengthsordon’tevenseewhattheyare.

I was coaching a very bright fellow who had been anaccountantallhis lifeandwas justnowgettingintobusinessconsultingandcoaching.Hewouldattendmycoachingschoolsand introduce himself to the other coaches as a “recoveringaccountant.”Hewanted to leave that boring life behind andentertheexciting,multi-facetedworldofcoaching!

Butwhenheventuredforthtogetclientshewasn’thavingmuchluck.Hewasnotusinghisstrength,becausetohimitwasaweakness.Sohewasn’tveryhappy.

One of his strengths was that he was an accountant,good with numbers. He could look at a balance sheet, abusiness prospectus or a P&L sheet and understand itimmediately.Hewasexactlywhatmanybusinessownersneeded.Someonewhowasnotafraidtolookat,workwith,andstrengthenthenumbers.

Oncehesawthatstrength,hebegantouseiteverywhere.He started amastermind group that focused onMeasurable


Results. It was a powerful appeal. I attended one of hismastermind sessions, which he ran with quiet strength andprecision.Thepeople inthegroupbenefitedgreatlyfromhiswork.Hewasusinghisstrength.

This isoneofmanyexamplesof a coach seeinga client’sso-calledweakness forwhat it really so often is: the hiddenstrength.Theclienthimselfcan’tseeit.Butthecoachcan.


What is a coaching connection?

A coach begins by connecting you to your ownpurpose.That,morethananythingelse,isthelifecoachingconnection.

WhenIcoachpeople,myfirstassignmentistoconnectmyclientstotheirhiddenmomentum.Myjobisalsotodisconnectmy clients from their damaged “personalities.” At least,temporarily.

My own life coach reconnectsme tomypurpose in eachsession—evenwhenmypurposeshiftsandchanges.Hedoesn’tcare.Oncewechooseitweconnecttoit.

Otherwise my time spent between coaching sessions iswasted away dealing with the politics of human emotions.SoonIloseallenergyforajoyfullife.

Doescoachingreallywork?Ican’tevendescribeit.Butletmetry.Whatdopeoplewant?PeopleItalktoarealwayslooking

formoreenergy.Theyhavethislonglistofthingstheythinktheyneedtogetdoneandtheysay,“Boy,IwishIhadmoreenergy.WhatcanIdoformoreenergy?WhatfoodscanIeatthat give energy?What exercise can I do?” And they lookinall thesedifferentplaces forenergybecause theyhavesomuchtodo.

Nowoneofthethingsthat’sbeautifulabouttheconceptofpurposeisthatpurpose actually produces energy.


When I was a little boy I used to go swimming withfriends, and I remember a couple of times while playingaroundinthepool,oneofmyfriendswouldholdmeunderwater.Justkindofplayingaround,hewouldholdmedownthereunderwaterforawhile just toscareme, just tohavesomefunandtomakemyheartrace.

Ineverhadsomuchenergyaswhenthathappened!Imean, Iwasn’tdistractedbyanything.Myminddidn’t

wander.Ididn’twrestlewithmyoptions.Ididn’tworryaboutwhetherIwouldmaketherightdecision.Ihadonepurpose:tofighttogetupabovewaterandbreatheonceagain.

Therefore, my energy was focused and my strengthpowerfulandtheinnovationofmybodymovementsalmostmagicalasIthrewmyoppressoroffandgainedfreshair.

What an illustration of the power of single-minded,uninterruptedpurpose!Itisenergyitself!

I’ve read a lot of accounts and I’ve seen somedocumentaries and true story movies made about peoplewhobreakoutofprison—evenifit’san“impossible”prisontobreakoutof.Eventhoughtheprisonershaveheardabouttheimpossibility,theyplantheirescapedayandnight.

Amazing things happen when people wake up withtheirpurpose—asingularpurpose.Throughoutthedaythatpurposeiswiththemandsotheyseethingsfrom that purpose.They’re able to ask, of every circumstance, good or bad,“How could I use this?What’s useful here based onwhatI’mupto?”

We cando that, too;we just forget it. In the face of allthe other purposes calling to us from all the people weneed to please, we forget about the power of purpose,sowe don’t have any.We just try to survive.We call oursurvivalmechanismapersonalityandsoonthatpersonality(acollectionofworries,hopesandresentments)drivesourlives…thechoiceswemakeforactionornon-action.

Butwecan,justaseasily,havepurposedrivingourlives.


Whenyouhavepurposedrivingyourlife,younowhaveawayofconverting“badnews”intousefulnews.(I’mputtingbadnewsinquotesherebecausewedon’treallyknowifit’sbaduntilyearslaterwhenwecanseethatitwasnot.)

Purposeless people (personalities)who get “bad news”allowthemselves toslidedownthe ladderandbe inabadmood.Nowthey’redisheartenedanddiscouraged.They’renotfeelingsogreat.That’swhatbadnewsdoestothem!

But,ifyouareup to something,andyouareinthemiddleofcreatingactionstowardaproject,andsomenewscomesin,youareabletoask,“GivenwhatIamuptoinlife,howcanIusethis?”Thatveryquestionisabeautifuluseofthisthing called purpose. I can’t tell you howmany timesmycoachhasaskedmethatveryquestion.“Givenwhatyouareupto,howcanyouusethissituation?”

OftenIamaprisonerandmycoachjustsetsmefree.Withthatonequestion.Liketheprisonersinthemovie.

Whenthoseprisonerswakeupinthemorningandtheylookaround,everythingtheyseeandeveryonetheytalktogetsfilteredinthrough“HowdoIbreakoutofthisplace?”and “Howdoes that helpmewith the plan I’ve got goingontobreakout?”Becausethat’sallthey’rethinkingabout—breakingfree.

Beingup to something in lifegivesusenergyandmakesusenjoylife.Itisnocoincidenceoraccidentthatalifecoachwillaskaprospectiveclientthatveryquestionintheirfirstconversation:“So,whatareyouuptothesedays?”

Iwant the clients I coach to really know the differencebetweenhowitfeelstobelivingfrompurposeversuslivingfrompersonality.

Personality can only be wounded and disrespected initseverlastingfighttowinappreciationfromothers.That’swhatlivingfrompersonalitydoes,butlivingfrompurposemakeswhatotherpeoplesaybecomeunimportant.UnlessIcanuse ittofulfillmypurpose.


When you are up to something, energy flows into you.Butwhen you are focused onwho you think you are (yourpersonality)energyflowsawayfromyou.

Maintaining a consistent affect (personality) leaves youweakened and everything else looks powerful in the face ofyour struggle to maintain yourself. Other people look likethey have all themoney and all the power, institutions lookoverwhelmingly powerful, health problems look like theycouldtakeyoudown—everythinglooksfrighteningwhenI’mlivingfrommypersonality.

One of the most disempowering elements of one’spersonalityisage…howoldyouare.

WhenIdon’tcareaboutwhoIamandI’minactioncreatingandserving,myagemeansnothing.Somepeoplebecomemoreandmore successful, creative, and accomplished as their lifemovesforward—nomatterwhatagetheyare.PeoplelikeClintEastwoodorFrankLloydWright,whoreallystartedtoblossomintheirseventiesandeightiesbecausethey’vebeenonacurveofpurposethatkeepseliminatingwhat’snotimportant.

Thegreat balletdirectorGeorgeBallentine said, “I’vegotmore energynow thanwhen Iwasyoungerbecause I knowexactlywhatIwanttodo.”Hehasmoreenergynow!Nowthatheisolder!Why?Becauseheknowsexactlywhathewantstodo.

Whenhewasyoungerhewasprobablylikesomanyofus.Heprobablyhad somany thingshewashalf-trying todo…orjustthinkingheshoulddo….andtryingtodecidewhattodothattheenergywasrobbedbyalltheindecision.Alifefullofdistractionsandbeingscattered.That’swhyI love theoldsaying,“Winnersfocus;losersspray.”

Thisisapowerinsideoflifecoachingthatalotofpeopledon’tthinkabout.It’sasimplequestionyourcoachwillaskyou.“Whatdoyouwanttocreate?”Or,“Whatistheresultyouwouldlikemetohelpyouproduce?”Thecoachingbecomesacompass.


Itwasamazing towatch thecareerofLarryBirdbecausehedidn’thaveanythingthatyouwouldcallathleticismoranykindofnaturalgiftsthatwesayotherbasketballplayershave.Hewasratherslow.Hewasn’toverlystrong.Therewas justnothingabouthimthatwouldhaveyousay,“Hewouldbeagreatbasketballplayer!”

Buthehadapurpose.Sohewaswillingtodovariousunusualandextremeforms

ofpractice.Hispurposewassosimpleandsofriendlytohimandhewouldwakeupwithit.

Sowhenhefoundthatotherpeoplecouldguardhimbecausehewasrighthanded,hewouldpracticedribblingwithhislefthand.SonowpeopleguardingLarryBirddidn’tknowwhichwayhewasgoingtogo. Itwasalmostas ifhemadehimselfambidextrous!Andwhydidhedothat?Hehadapurposehewokeupwith.

WatchingaprofootballgameonTVInoticedthatoneoftheplayerswasscreamingathiscoach.Imeanhewasjustlosingit.Hewasyellingathiscoachandthecoachwastellinghimto“knockitoff,”andtheplayerwasyellingbackattheoffensiveco-coordinator,andthrowingatantrum.

Atantrumisaresultofover-focusingonone’spersonality.

I’m being disrespected, you hurt my feelings when you don’t put me in and let me run a play and you put someone else in. I’m being disrespected. How do I look on national television when I sit out two plays that are important to the team? How am I coming across? How am I looking? I am being disrespected. Stop “dissing” me!

That’s an over-focus on personality and one’scontractedidentitysystem.That’slivingfrompersonalityinsteadofpurpose.


Therewasanotherplayeronthesameteamwhoforalmostthewhole seasonwasn’t put in the games. But he used thatsituation for his higher purpose. “Iwill rest, I will savemystrength,Iwill learn,Iwilltrain,Iwillworkout,Iwillbesoreadywhentheyfinallydoputmeinthatmypurposewillbefulfilledandthatistomakearealdifferenceonthefield.”

They did put him in during the playoffs, when anotherplayerwasinjured,andhewassofreshandstrongandprepared for his momentthathemadeallthehighlightreelsonESPNafterthegame.


Coaches want your WORD

You can’t change anything by fighting or resisting it. You change something by making it obsolete

through superior methods.

~ Buckminster Fuller

Making the bad thing go away is a double negative: bad thingandgo awayarebothnegative.Andtochangemylife Iwantpositiveenergy.

WhatthegeniusBuckminsterFullerissayingisanimportantpartofwhycoachingworks.Mycoachdoesnothavemefightoffbadhabits.Mycoachhasmeexecutesuperiormethodsoflivingthatmakethebadthingsamerememory.

Often I do thiswithmy own coaching clients. I listen astheytalktomeabouttheirproblems,andIlistencarefullyforlanguage that is permanent and pervasive.Whenever I findpermanentandpervasivephrasesinmyclient’stalk,Istoptheconversationandexplore.

My client, Odessa (and that is not her real name) wouldalwaystalkaboutherselfinpermanent,pervasiveways.Suchas,“Ialways….”“Inever….”Or“Ihavea tendency to….”Noticethat these phrases describe permanent, ongoing patterns. Theyhintatperpetualmotionmachineryinthewomanthatdrivesher


behavior.Sheobviouslybelievesinpersonalpatternsthatexplainheractions.Sheeventellsmeoften,“Ihaveapatternofalways….”

Iwant tobreakherof thismentalmistake.So I tellherastory.Iaskhertofollowthestoryandseeifitmakesanysensetoher.

OnenightitsnowedheavilyasmywifeandIwerewatchinglatenightTV.MywifeaskedmeifIwouldshovelthewalkinthemorning,andIsaidIwoulddothat.

Thenextdaywhenshecamehomefromworkatlunchtimetohaveasandwichwithme,shenoticedthatthewalkwasnotshoveled.Shealmostslippedandfellonthepackedsnowandiceonthewalkleadinguptoourdoor.

“Ithoughtyousaidyouwouldshovelthewalk,”shesaidwhenshegotinside.

“Ihaveatendencynottoshovelwalks,”Isaid.“Butyousaidyou’ddoit,andifIhadknownyouweren’t

seriousIwouldhaveshoveleditmyselfthismorning,”shesaid.“My pattern has been not to shovel,” I said. “Looking

backonmylife,Itendnottoshovelwalks.It’sabadhabit,Iknow,butitkindofrunsmylifeandleavesmeinsituationslikethisalot.”

“I don’t care about patterns or habits or tendencies,”shesays.“I justwantedthewalkshoveled.Yousaidyouwoulddoit.”

Wasmywifebeingunreasonable todismissanddiscountmypatternsandtendencies?

OdessasaidthatI,myself,wasbeingridiculoustoevenfloatthemasexcusesfornotdoingthewalk.

Butthat’swhatyouaredoing,Odessa,Itoldher.Youarenotdoingthingsandthengoingbackintoyourpasttofindthepatternsandtendenciesthatexplainit.Yourefusetoseethatthepast is over. It counts fornothing.Yourword counts foreverything.Yourwordyougiveyourself onwhetheryouaregoingtodosomething.


Juicy and sometimes a little messy

I’vebeentryingtostress,asapositive,excitingthing,thatthebestlifecoachesaretheonesleastlikelytoconformtoanything.

TheyaretheleastlikelytohavepracticesthatresembleGabrielByrne’slaid-backpsychologistonthe“InTreatment”TVshow.

Let’stake,forexample,Dr.AlisonArnold,whosewebsiteiscalled“ScreamandRunNaked.”

Canyousee theprovocativedifference?Alisonalsohasabookoutbythesametitle.HerclientsrefertolifecoachAliasan“Awakener,”“Fearliberator,”and“Sparkplug.”She’salsoanathleticcoachwhoworkswith theUnitedStatesOlympicgymnasticsteam.She’salsoarealityTVstarwhocoachedScottBaioinfrontofthecamerasforalong,hardseason.

She’s known as “Doc Ali” to her clients, and a ratherresistant Baio, who feared her direct, confrontational tough-lovecoachingstartedcallingher“DarkAlley”ontheshow.Shewasaplacehedidn’twanttogo.Transformationoftenlooksfrighteningbeforeyougothere.

Ali’ssuccessisextraordinary,andlikeallthebestcoachesIknow,shealsoenjoysbeing coached.She’sbeencoachedbythebestandrecalled,

Just sitting in the roomwithSteveHardisonchangedmyperceptionofmyselfandtheworld.


MyheadspunasIarguedwithmyownlimitationswhilesittingbeforemewasamanwhocompletelymirrored my amazing greatness and beauty. Andthewayhediditblewmeaway.Mywholebeingwasbeingfloodedwithhis intensity,andpassion, about all I am, have always been, andwaysIcouldgivemygift totheworld. IhavebeenchangedwitheverymeetingIhavehadwithSteve.Notonlybytheinsightsaboutmylife,butmoreimportantlythroughtheinspirationofthewayheliveshis.Helivesitfearlessly,lovingly,andwithoutapology.Whatamodel!

Alibringsupsomethingvery importanthere—that factorcalledmodeling.Thebestlifecoachesworkonthemselvesasaggressivelyastheyworkontheirclients.Theywanttomodelhowit’sdone.Unlikeaconsultantortherapistwhoonlytalks,agreatcoachwillbewillingtolive it for you.

Dr.AlisonArnoldisveryopenaboutsharingwhatshehaslivedandremembersthinkingatonetime:

IamgoingtoNepaltolearnhowtodie.Thatcheerfulthoughtabruptlypoppedmeoutofmymorningmeditation.Lovely.Iwasalreadyalittlenervousabout this trip.Neverone togiveup, Itook several deep, calming breaths, closed myeyes again, and immediately became aware ofanother questionmoving among the rising andfallingthoughtsofmychatteringmind:“HaveIlearnedyethowtolive?”

AliaskedmetointroduceheratabookstoreeventshewasspeakingatwhenScream and Run Nakedfirstcameout.Iwasgladtodoit.HerbookisoneIhighlyrecommend.Initshewrites,


As we flounder along in our never-endingpursuit of happiness, we are sometimes seizedbywhat thepoetDavidWhyte calls “unnamedlongings.”Wehaveafeelinginourgutthatthereissomethingmoretolifethatwearemissing.Welongforfireandpassiontofillourlives.Weachetograspandfulfillourheart’sdesires.Wecraveadestinyofourown.Inshort,wewanttobealive.

Fromcoachingathletestoaveragepeoplewhojustwanttolivemorethantheyareliving,Aliseesitallasthesameevolutionaryleap.“Doyoueverfeellikeyouare‘asleepatthewheel’ofyourownlife?”sheasks.“Whatdoyoufeelyouaremissinginyourlifeandhowareyougoingtofindit?Doyouwanttodiebeforelearningwhat itmeanstobe trulyalive?Tofeelpassionandwonderandexcitementonceagain?”

Feelingherown lifehadbeen“flat-lined”andwithmorequestionsthananswers,AlisontraveledtoNepalandThailandtolearnfromBuddhistmonks.Buddhism,particularlyasitispracticedintheWest,ismoreofanon-sectarianphilosophythanareligion.Christians,Jews,Muslims,agnostics,oratheistscanincorporateBuddhistpracticesintotheirliveswhileremainingcompletelytruetotheirownbeliefs.

At the coreofBuddha’s teachings is thatwemust“wakeup”fromoursleepwalkinglivesifweeverwanttorealizeourtrueSelf, andbeable to see the trueSelf inothers.The term“Buddha”actuallymeans“onewhoisawake.”

“Wakingup toyourown lifemaybe easyand itmaybedifficult,”Alisontellsherclients.“Itmayhappeninonegloriousinstantofenlightenment,oritmayunfoldoveralifetime.Lifecanbelikedevouringafullyripemango—juicy,fresh,luscious,andsometimesalittlemessy.Areyoureadytobegin?”


Are you creating your life?

Mysessionwithmycoachtodayfocusedonhisownlife’sevolution from themanypainsofapainful childhood to thediscoveries, insideaseminarcalledTheForum(anextensionofWernerErhard’searlierwork),thattherewerepeoplelivingandteachingwhathehimselfhadlearnedtodoonhisown.

To put it simply,my coach had discovered the power ofkeepinghisword.Youcancallitintegrityandyoucancallitcommitment, but it’shavingyourwhole lifebe as cleanandclearasanysinglepromisekept.

IfmywordisthatIwillmeetyouatnine,thenmyappearingatyourhouseatninehasmywordandmyactionbethesamething. So I am now creating my life by what I speak. Mylanguageisgenerative,notmerelydescriptive.Andthisistheultimateincreativity,andthisiswhatmycoachcoachesmein.

IthinkIdiscoveredmaybetwentyyearsagothedifferencebetween creativity in the narrow field of art andmusic andcreativityinone’sentirelife.OnceIreallygotthat,Icouldthenseethateverybodyispotentiallycreative.SoIalwayslookforthehiddencreativepowersinmyclients’liveswhenIsitdowntocoachthemorwhenIpickupthephonetocoachthem.

Children are creative when they are born—Picasso said,“Everychildisbornanartistandthetrickoflifeistoremainanartist.”Butmostofusreallydon’tremainartists.AtleastI


didn’t.Iallowedmyselftogettalkedoutofitbyworriesandfearsandadesiretomakealivingandnotembarrassmyselfintheworldofgrown-ups.

Thatwasmydrivingforce—fearofembarrassment.IfIwasflyingonaplaneandaburstofturbulencehadtheplanedrop,Ididn’tfearacrashasmuchasIfearedwhatthepeopleontheplanewouldthinkifIwasacowardduringtheplungetotheground.

Sothereisn’treallyalotofroomforcreativityifthat’syourlife.Ifyouarejusttryingtosurviveembarrassment,ornothavevariouspeoplemadatyou.Your lifeandminesoonbecomelivesofavoidanceandaversion.Ifthegoaloflifeistonothaveyour spousemad at you, you do things that please her andmakeyouhateyourself.Itendsupbeingahumiliatinglife.

Andwe don’t have to live that way.What I discovered,throughthevalueofhavingmyowncoachandputtingmyselfthrough various seminars and workshops that put me backon track tohaving a good life,was that our lives canbe thesubjectmatterofcreativity.Wecaneachmakeourownlifeamasterpiece.Likecoach JohnWoodenwouldsay:makeeachdayyourmasterpiece.

Insteadofhavingsomelittlenarrowfieldofcreativityinmylife—likeImightdoalittlewatercolorhere,orbuildabirdhousethere,orwriteasongeveryotheryear—havetheentirelifebeawrittensong.

We can allow ourselves to apply the creativity that allchildrenhave—intuitively,innately—andopenitbackupandhave our financial life creatively invented (constructed) andhaveourphysicallifebethatwaytoo.

Creativity with physical exercise, creativity with finance,creativity evenwithhowyou raise children! It’s allpossible.Youcanevenbecreativewithhowyoucreaterelationshipsinlifeversustheoppositeofthat—alifeoffear.WithoutcreatingmyrelationshipsI’mjustafraidIwon’thaveenoughloveandapproval. So I’ll bemaking allmymoves based onmyownfearsinsteadofwhatIwanttocreate.


Icanwakeupinthemorningandaskmyself(giventhedayIhaveahead),What do I want to create with this day? Becausemydayispureopportunity.

OrIcandowhat’smostcommonandthatiswakeupandaskmyself,WhatdoIfear?WhatdoIdread?WhatdoIhopedoesn’t happen?What can I avoid?What steps can I take toavoidwhatIdreadthemost?

And sadly that’s how most people live—a full day ofavoidance, trying to get around things, trying to avoidsomething happening—“I hope this audit doesn’t happen, Ihopeshedoesn’tfindoutthatI’mdoingthis,andIhopemydaughterdoesn’tthinkthatifIdon’tsendherthismoney”—and everything is hoping that something doesn’t happen;because we are using our creative imagination in the mostnegative,perversewaybecauseweareusingittoworryabouttheimaginarynegativefuture.

Theantidotetothat—inmyexperienceandintheexperienceofmyclients— is to reconnecthumanbeings to their innate,naturalbirthrightofpurecreativity.

If you look at kids, they are running aroundmaking upnames andmakingupgames allday.Theyhaveno identitysystemtomaintain.Thereforetheyareverycreative.

Butthenyoulookatadultsandtheyjustsitthere.Doesanyoneontheplanetsitdownasmuchasanadult?

Wasthisbodydesignedforsitting?Andyoulookintheireyes.Andtheireyesarekindofbloodshotandnervousanddartingaround—“Who isa threat tome?Whomightembarrassme?Whowillunmaskmeandmakemelooklikeafraud?”

Even when that bloodshot adult is “thinking positively”they are thinking, “Who do I connect to?Who do I need toimpressandwintheapprovalof?”

OneofthebestpeopleontheplanetthatIknowofonthesubjectofcreativityismyfriendPelegTop.Hecoachespeoplein theworldofdesign, andhe also coaches themonhow tobringthecreativityoftheirartintotheirwholelives.


Heteacheshisclientshowtocreate—notonlyprojectsfortheirclients,buthowtocreatetheirownbusinessesinprofitableways—fromtheircreativity,notfromtheirfearofgoingoutofbusiness.

And, then,whilehewas in Israel recently,he literallyby“accident” (I deliberately put the word accident in quotes)stumbled upon a newmentor that taught him a system forbringingoutcreativitythroughintuitivepaintinganddrawing.Sohefearlesslybegantointegratethatintohiscoachingpracticeandseminarwork.

Peleg’s life as a coach dramatizes forme the strength ofintuitionandpureproductivitythat’sinallofus.(Ifwewouldjustbringitbackout,itwouldimproveourwholelives.)

Whenever people are fearlessly creative in the world ofbusiness—likeatAppleorGoogle—everyonestandsupandcheers.“Ohmygoshwhatagreatbusinesstheyare!Facebook!OMG!Let’sallgo to themovieandwatchhowcreative thatyoungmanwasconnectingeverybodythewayhedid!!”Andwecheerforitandthenwegobackhomeanddon’tliveit.Andyetit’sopenforanyone.Pelegsays,“Irememberwalkingintomuseums and looking at the art that hung on thewalls andfindinganincrediblesourceofinspiration,thinkingtomyself,Ijustcan’twaittostartdoingsomethinglikethisformyselfaswell;butatthesametimeIwasstrugglingwiththeresistancethatwouldcomeupandthatvoiceofmyinnercriticthatsays,‘Ah,youcan’tdothis.Youarenotgoodenough.Don’tevenbother.Justkeepdesigningforyourclients.’

“Stumblingonintuitivepaintingandthewholeintuitiveartworldcalledmeandhelpedmeconnecttothatpartofmyselfthat always had been hidden there and that waswaiting toemerge andwhich I believe is in every single human being.Nowthatdoesn’tnecessarilymeanthatpaintingistheoutletforeverybody;butthatbasichumaninstincttocreateisthere.Itisthereforallofus.”

Peleg got me thinking and remembering. I remembergrowingupandbeinginclassroomsanditwastimetopaintor


timetodrawandwewouldlookaroundatotherclassmatesandnoticethattherewereoneortwomaybeoutoftwenty-fivekidswhocouldreallydrawwell;andthentherestofuscomparedourselvestothemandwebegantothink“I’mnotgood.Idon’tdrawaswellasMonicadoesandsothereforeI’mnotgoodatdrawing”andIremembergettingtheseideasinmymindwhenIwasyoung—Ican’tdraw, Ican’tpaint, I’mnotgoodat this,I’mnotgoodatthat.Pelegsays,“It’sabelief.AndIthinkyou’reright. It startswhenwe are children. It starts at that age; thesameexperiencethatyouhad.Thatself-criticiswhatwestartinghearing as children in those classrooms—sometimeswe evenhadteachersthatsaid,“Peleg,onlydrawinsidethelines.”Wegrewupwithasenseofwhatartissupposedtolooklikeandneverreallyhadtheencouragementtocreate.Ifyoulookatallthe artists that arewell known to us today—fromKandinskyto Picasso—the thing thatmade themmost uniquewas theirwillingnesstobreaktherules.Theyexpressedthemselvesinaway that nobody else did. Sometimes creativity and bringingthatinstinctouttotheworldshockspeople.Andthat’sagoodthing;butmostofusareafraidtodothatbecause,mostofthetime,we’reinpeople-pleasingmodeandweonlywanttocreateforthesakeofgettinggoodfeedbackfromsomebody.LookhowgoodIam!Lookhowgoodmypaintingis!Andonlyifyoutellme‘Yes,thisisgood!’OnlythenwillIfeelgoodaboutmyself.”

Peleg takespainting into life itself.He coachespeopleonhowtomaketheirentireliveslikethatpaintingtheyareafraidtocutlooseandgetwildwith.

Hiscoachingconfrontstheinnerlifecritic.Theinnervoiceofcriticismisunforgettablebecauseitwas

sopiercingandhurtfulwhenwefirstheardcriticismwhenwewereyoung.It’sunforgettable(alsounforgivableifyoureallylookatitclosely).

Inoticeinmyowncoachingclientsthatpeopleactuallyrespectandobeythatvoice!It’sasifitwerethe voice of reason ortheirownconsciencespeakinginsteadoftheghostofahurtfulpast.


IaskedPelegTopwhathedoeswhenhecoachespeoplelikethis.Howdoesheget themtoseethat theyarenotapplyingtheircreativitytotheirlives?

“Creativity takes courage,” he says. “A lot of people areafraid to take risks.Creativity involvesa risk.Soa lotof theworkIdoistohelpclientsgettotheplacewheretheyarenotafraidtotakeriskswiththeirbusinessbecausethere’sreallynorewardwithoutrisk.”

I love theword “encourage.”Thekindof coachingPelegis talking about “encourages” clients. There’s courage in theworldencourage.Andittakesalotofcouragetodosomethingthatdoesn’tlooklikewhatthewholerestoftheworldisdoingrightnow,whichiswhatcreativityis.

ColinWilsonwroteagreatbookcalledThe Strength to Dream,andIwasstartledbythetitle—the“strength”todream?Ihadpreviouslyassociateddreamingwithbeingpassiveandlazy…anirresponsible,weak,flightyuseofthebrain.WhenIreadThe Strength to Dream,evenjustseeingthattitleallowedmetoseetheothersideofit.Itdoestakestrengthanditdoestakecreativitytoactivelydream.ItwasnoaccidentthatmanyyearslaterWilsoncalledhisautobiography,Dreaming to Some Purpose.

TherewasaperiodinmycoachinglifewhenIworkedalmostexclusivelywithsalespeople.Oneofmypracticestohelppeoplegetoverthisthingcalled“rejection”(Iputitinquotesbecausethere isno real rejection—youeither feel rejectedoryoudon’twiththeinformationyouhavejustreceived)…wastoaskasalesperson to stop every time someone says “no” and internallytranslatethat“no”into“Can’tyoubemorecreativethanthat?”

Whenhedidthat,ittouchedoffnewideas:“Imightproposesomethingnew,orchangemyapproach,oraskmorequestions,orcustomizesomething…”Hegotintothatcreativemodethatheneverwouldhavefoundotherwise.Thecouragetocreate.Itcanbeencouraged.

Yearsagoacompanyhiredmetotalktopeoplewhohadlosttheirjobs.Theywerelaidoffandnowwerefacinglooking


foranother job.Soon theyunderstood that themorecreativetheywerewillingtoget,thefastertheywouldgetanewjob.I said, “Pick any companyyouwouldwant towork for andyoucanworkthereifyouarewillingtobecreativeenoughinhowyouapply.”Manypeopledidn’tevenwanttohearthat.Theykeptcomingbacktomeandsaying,“WhatamIsupposedtodo?Whendo I send a thank younote?Do I send it aftertheinterview?”AndIwouldsay,“Listentoyourself.Youaretryingtofindoutexactlywhateveryoneelsedoes.”Ifpeoplearegoingtohiresomeonewhotheythinkisgoingtodoabetterjobforthemthanalltheotherpeopleapplying,whytrytobelikeeverybodyelse?

I oftenuse the approachof JerryGarcia,whowas averycreativeartistwithTheGratefulDead.Hesaid the trickwasnot tobe thebestatwhatyoudo; the trick is“tobe the only onedoingwhatyouaredoing.”That’sadifferentmindsetthantryingtoanticipatewhatsomeonewantsfromyou.ItalwaysproducesadifferentmindsetwhenIask,“HowcreativecanIbewithit?”Or,“WhatcanIdothatnooneelsedoes?”

Peleg recently visited a Pablo Picasso collection at aSeattlemuseum.

“It was worth the trip to Seattle to just go look at thisexhibitbutwhatIremembermostwasthebiglettersonthewallwhere his quotewaswritten, ‘One never knowswhatoneisgoingtodo.Onestartsapaintingandthenitbecomessomethingquitedifferent.’”

ThisisthePicassoeffect—thatelementofunpredictabilityinallcreativity.Whichiswhygoodcoacheswon’tevenwanttogiveyoutheanswertoyourproblem.Theywillwanttokeepaskingyouquestionsuntilyouempoweryourself.Pelegsays,“Ithinkthat’sareallyimportantdistinctionthatalotofpeopledon’t realizewhen it comes to hiring a coach.Many peoplethink ‘I’llhireacoachandhe’ll showmewhat todo.’AndIhavetosayIwasinthatplacemyself.Iinitiallyhiredaperson,professionally,whoIthoughtwouldcoachmeintowhattodo,


buthereallydidn’thelpmeconnecttowhatIhadinsidemyselftogo to thenextplace.Sonowwhen Ihaveclientswhoaskmethatquestion(whatshouldIdo?whichbynowthereisarule—youarenotallowedtoaskmethatquestionanymore),theydon’tgetananswer.Theanswersareinsideofyou.Idon’twant people to run their business like I think it should run.Theydidnotlivemylife.Theydidnothavemypathandmyjourney.Theyhavetheirown.”

Experimentation is what Peleg’s whole intuitive paintinglesson is designed to encourage in people. Keep looking fordifferentwaystodothings.Howcanyoubemorecreativewiththeseso-calledproblemsyou’vegot?

Whydon’tyoutryopeningyourselfupandseeingwhatelseyoumightsee?Whatcanyouplayaroundwithhere?Creativeproblemsolvingisabeautifulprocess.Mostpeoplenevertestit.Theyneverfindthatout.Becausewhentheirproblemshowsuptheyjustshutdown.Theygetupsetandpoutlikelittlekids.

“I’mreallyupsetthatIhaveaproblem!”They stage a quiet tantrum instead of going the other

direction thatasks,“Howcan Iget creativeabout this?Howcan I openmymind?What else is possible?What are somefunny,out-of-the-boxthingsthatI’mgoingtotry justtoplaywithpeople’sminds,justtomesswithpeople?”

Itrytouseeveryphraseinthebooktoopenpeopleup—especially sales people who are so terrified that they aregoing to “bother” somebody! They’re going tomake peopleuncomfortablebytryingtosellthemsomething.

It’ssadtome.Fear iswhatgovernssomanyprofessionallives.Butbusinesswasmeantforplay,notfear.Numbersareindicativeofagamebeingplayed.

Butit’sencouragingtomethattheantidotetoallthatfearisnotsomekindofhuge,bold,machocourage—it’sreallykindofaggressiveplayfulness.Givingyourselfpermissiontoplay.

Don’t listen to the imaginaryvoice thatkeeps comingupdenying permission: “PERMISSION TO CREATEDENIED!”


likeit’scominguponthecomputerscreenofthemind.One client blurtedout, “Creative experimentation sounds

great,butIdon’twanttodoanythingI’llregret!”You don’t have to regret anything—that’s optional.

Regretisabsolutelyoptionalinthisworld.Youcangofindapainfulmemoryandregret itandattachastoryto itanytimeyou like.You can regret everything if youwant.Youcansaythatanychoicewasthewrongchoice,andthenyoucanwonder aboutwhat the right choicewouldhavebeen.But in theworldof creativityand livinganhonorable life,theseactivitiesdon’thelp.Theydonotmakeagoodguidetowhatthenextexperimentshouldbe.Iwoulddropallofthatandfreeyourselffromallthatjudgmentofyourselfandfearaboutmaking the “wrong” choice and just jump in. Trustyourinnercompass.

I remember years ago going to see Woody Allen in LasVegaswhenhewasastand-upcomic.Hewasaverycreative,funnyguy.HestartedhislifewritingforTVshows,andthenhedid a standup act and thatwasn’t quite right for him, sohestartedtowritelittleshortstoriesfortheNewYorker,andthenhestartedtowriteplaysforBroadway.Thenhestartedtowritemoviescripts,andthenhestartedtodirectandactinthemovies.Wereanyofthesethe“right”decision?Notreally;hejustkeptjumpinginandthingsgotbetterandbetter.

SoIsayjustjumpin.Forgetaboutmakingtherightchoice,andforgetaboutbeing

afraidofyour intuition leadingyouwrong,and forgetaboutattachingastoryofregrettoatimeinyourlifewhenyouweredoingthebestyoucouldandthennowlookingbackyouaregoingtoattachastoryofregrettoit—there’snovalueinthat.

Youcan’tbecreativewhenyou’retakingthingspersonally.Ifyoutakeyourparents’commentspersonally,oryourspouse’scommentspersonally,youcan’tcreate.

Pelegsays,“It’saboutputtingourselvesinaplaceofmoreself appreciation—not waiting for that approval—not trying


topleasesomebodyelse.I’mgoingtoincreasethewaythatIlovemyselfandrespectmyselfandputmyselfandmylifeinaconstantstateofself-loveandappreciation.Iknowthat’sgoingtohelpmemakemydreamscometrue.”

Peleg’swordsarenottobeconfusedwithnarcissisticself-reference.He’s describing amore effectiveway to live.He’sdescribingwhathedoestohelphiscoachingclientsturntheirdreamsandprojectsintoreality.

A listener to a webinar Peleg and I were co-hosting oncreativityaskedaverycolorfulquestion:“Howdoyoudealwithgettingswatteddownwithyourcreativeideaandyoujustfeellikeasnowmanwhohasmeltedintoapuddleandcan’tgetup.”

Here’swhatIsaidtothemeltedsnowman:“Greatideasaregoingtoconfuseotherpeople.ButIdon’tneedotherpeople’sapprovaltomoveforward;Ijustmoveforward.OrifIdoneedtheirapproval(ifI’minacompanyandIhaveagreatideaandsomebodydoesn’tagree,theyareconfusedaboutitorcan’tseethevalueinit),thenImakemychoicesbasedonwhat’sgoingtokeepmymoodelevatedsoIcancontinuetohaveacreativelife.ButIdon’twantmyhappinesstobedependentuponwhatotherpeoplethinkofmyideas.Idon’twanttohaveitsetupthatway.”


Do not fear failure

Failure is the foundation of successand the means by which it is achieved.

~ Lao-tzu

Most people want to succeed by succeeding, whichmakessense.Butwhenfailurehappens,itcanbethebestteacherever.Werealizethatwe’refreetoexperimentmore.AndasDaleDautensaysinhisclassiclittlebusinessbook,“Experimentsneverfail.”

“Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions,”said Ralph Waldo Emerson. “All life is an experiment. Themoreexperimentsyoumakethebetter.”

OneofthemostcommoncomplaintsofthepeopleIcoachtoday is this: “Thepeople that I supervise just hate tomakechanges though they are constantly being required to in ourhighlycompetitivebusinessenvironment.Ijusttearoutmyhairsometimestryingtogettheneededchangesaccomplished!”

ThewayIrespondis,“Yes,itmayfeeldifficulttoencouragepeople tochange,but try thispossibility: Peoplemayprefernottochange,butpeoplelovetoexperiment.”

It’spreciselybecausecoaching isnot therapyanddoesn’thavetofollowanymentalhealthstandardsthatmethodscanbeunorthodox,creative,provocative,andunforgettable.


MichaelNeillwascoachingafriendofminebyphonewhenmyfriendconfessedthathehadbeenprocrastinating,outoffearandanxiety,aboutwritingashortarticleforawell-knownbusinessmagazine.Michaelsaid,“Really?Areyounearyourcomputer?”

Myfriendsaid,“Yes,it’srighthere.”“Good.Iwantyoutoputthephonedown—don’thangitup;

justplaceitdownbythekeyboardsoIcanhearyoutyping—andIwantyoutowritethepiecerightnow,theentirepiece,starttofinish,andwhenyouarecompletepickupthephoneandtellme.”

My friendwas startled by the request, but he did it. Hewrotethepieceandthirtyminuteslaterpickedupthephoneandsaid,“Areyouthere?”

Michaelsaidthatindeedhewas.Andmyfriendhadwrittenaratherbrilliantarticle.That’snotatechnique;it’sanimpulsebasedonacommitment

tohaveyourclient’slifegetbetterwitheachcoachingsession,whatever that takes at themoment. It’s a continuous call toactionversusacalltoplumbingthedepthsofone’semotionsaspsychologistsdo.

And this is not to demean or diminish the role ofpsychotherapy. It has its important place. In fact, somepeople who think they need coaching are better suited forpsychotherapy. Psychotherapy is about healing the past.Coachingisaboutcreatingthefuture.

Ihavea friendwhoisawonderful,compassionatecoach.Butshehasastrict“nocrazies”rule forherpractice. (Noticehow politically incorrect phrases are the best. They are sofunctionalinaworldgonemadwithenforcedsentimentality.)

IwaspoliticallyincorrectwhenIranablogentitled,“YouHad Me at RETARDED.” But when people read the wholepieceandlinkedtothewonderfulChristopherDorrisvideoofthesamenameitmadeperfectsense.

Canyougetcoachingfromamovieortheinternet?Ibelieveso. I receive a lot of inspiration from the internet blogs and


emailmessages ofMatt Fureywho coachespeople infitnessandinternetbusinessexpertise.

In a recent message Matt recalls watching a clip fromthe movieMiracle – the movie about the USA’s improbable(impossible?)OlympicicehockeyvictoryovertheRussiansin1980.Avictoryofamateursoverprofessionals.Matt enjoyedtheclipsomuchthathepurchasedtheDVDandhaditsenttohimbyovernightmail.Thenhewatchedthemoviewithhissonandwatcheditagainthenextday.

InthemoviethereisonemomentwhencoachHerbBrookshashis teamrepeat their conditioningsprintsoverandover,shouting,“Thelegsfeedthewolf!”Mattstoppedthemovieandwrote that down. The legs feed thewolf! Itwas a powerful,poetic expression of somethingMatt had been taught by hisowngreatcoachesovertheyears,DanGableandKarlGotch:conditioning is theultimatemove. Ifyou’rewonderingwhata good move to learn would be—in hockey, in wrestling(Matt’ssport)oranythinginlife—conditioningisit.Thewell-conditionedlegsfeedthewolf.

IntheverysamemorningIreadMatt’sinspirationalpiece,Icouldn’twaittogooutanddosomesprintsmyself.


Becoming violently original

Be regular and ordinary in your life, like a bourgeois, so that you may be violent and original in your work.

~ Flaubert

WhenIcoachpeoplewhoarestuckandnotdoing thingsthey wish they were doing I often see that they are over-identifiedwiththeirpersonaltraitsandqualities.

Theyhavebeenhypnotizedbytheappearanceofconsistencyintheirhabitsandhavestartedtobelieveinthepermanenceoftheircharacteristics.Thishabitcanbeabsolutelyspellbinding,likewatchingAlfredHitchcock’sPsycho.

Somyworkasa coach is tobreak the spell.Tohear thatscreeching music that comes up while a person is tellingmewhat they are like and alwaysdogiven their permanentcharacteristics.

Aclienttalkedtomerecentlyabouthowtrappedhefeltinthelimbohewasinbetweenhisoldlifehabitsofboredomanddisappointmentandthenewexcitingpersonhewantedtobe.

Hesowantedtochangehislifeandlivehisfullpotentialthathe couldalmost taste it.Whywashe stuck?Whycouldn’thedevelopthewillingnesstolivedifferently?Whatwereallthesefrustratingfeelingsaboutandwhereweretheycomingfrom?


Because I’m a coach and not a compassionate therapist Ididn’tcare.Ididn’tneedtoempathizeorhavealongdrawn-outexaminationoftheoriginsofhisfeelings.

SoItoldhimhispyramidwasupsidedown.Rememberthosefoodpyramidsweusedtohaveonthewall

ingradeschoolclassrooms?Itturnsouttheywereallwrong!Hello,obesityepidemic!

My client had his own pyramid wrong, too, because hehad thoughts and feelings at the very top. Those were thethings he thought he needed to study and figure out andunderstandbefore he could transformhimself into amanofpure,adventurousaction.

Heshouldhavehadactionontopandthoughtsandfeelingsontheverybottom.Youbecomeamanofadventurebytakingaction,notbyfiguringoutwhyyoudon’tfeellikedoingityet.

Once you are able to see that beliefs, thoughts, and thefeelingstheyproduceare just inconsequentialcloudspassinginthesky,youarefree.

OrlikethattranscendentcoachByronKatiesays,whenthebeliefsareseentobethenebuloushallucinationsthattheyare,“Thatleavesalotofenergyfreeduptomakeamazingchangesin themoment, because it’s so clear, noneof the options arehidden.It’safearlessstateofbeing.Themindnoticesthatthekindwayisthebrilliantway.There’snolimittoit.”


How to know your tilt switch

Pinball is a type of arcade game, usually coin-operated, where a player attempts to score points by manipulating one or more metal balls on a playfield inside a glass-covered case called a pinball machine.

~ Wikipedia

NomatterwhattechnologyIwriteabout,itwillbeoutdatedbythe timethisbook is inyourhands(oronyour iPad…orwhateverhasreplacedtheiPadasthenextcoolestthing).

SoIamokaywithbeingoutdated.InfactIdon’tevenmindgoingway,wayback.

Do you remember pinball machines? Do you rememberthe rock operaTommy by TheWho about a pinballwizard?Rememberthat“deaf,dumbandblindkid”whosureplayedameanpinball?

My own life coach and I go back as far as pinball.Wehave beenworkingwith each other for over fifteen years.Heoftencoachesmewithvividparablesandmetaphors.HeillustrateswhatIcan’tyetseewithafresh,dramaticexamplethatallowsmetofinallysee.Hedoesn’twantmetosimplyunderstanditorgetit.Hedoesn’tevenwantmeto“grok”it.Hewantsmetoactuallyseeit.That’swhyhecreatesthese


vividvisuals(hecallsthemdistinctions)formetogohomewithandneverforget.

Soonedayheaskedmetopictureapinballmachine.Nottoohardformetodogivenmywasteddaysandwastednightsspentinmanyabarinmyearlylife.

He askedme if I rememberedpeople trying to shake thegameandbang the sideof the case tohelpguide theball tohitmoremarkersandringupmorepoints,andifyoutippedtheboardtoomuchthesignwouldsay“TILT!”andthatgamewould be over and you’d lose points thatway. So trickwasto learn justhowmuchyoucouldmoveandbang theboardaroundwithoutgettingaTILT.

Yes,Irememberedallthat.“Doyouknowhowthegameknowsyou’vegonetofar?”

SteveHardisonaskedme.“Notreally.”“There’satiltswitchinthegame.Built in.Andit looks

likethis.”AtwhichtimeHardisonmadeacirclewithhisfingerson

onehandandthenputonefingerinsidethecircletoillustratetheswitch.

“Whentheswitchmovestoofarover,ithitstheinneredgeofthecircleandregistersTILT,”hesaid.Thenheshowedmewithhishands.

“Isee,”Isaid.“Sowhatyounowwantinyourlifeistowidenthatcircle.

Tokeepwideningthatcirclesothatwhenthetiltswitchtipsitstilldoesn’tregisterTILTandyoucankeepplayingandkeepscoringpoints.”

“HowdoIwidenthecircle?”Isaid.“Bydoing thingsyouarenotused todoing.Challenging

yourself.Goingalittletoofar.Goingbeyondwhatiscomfortable.Eachtimeyoudothatthecirclewidens.”

Andhemadethecirclewithhishandsagain,andthenmadeitwiderandwider,andthenheputhisfingerinitandmade


meseethatthefingercouldtipandmoveoverandstillnothittheedgeofthecircle.

Hardisonwastryingtoshowmethattherewasn’tanythingspecialabouthimself.Eventhoughpeoplewerealwaystellinghimhowboldhewasandhowamazinghewasinhisabilitytoapproachanyoneandaskhimorheranything,hesaid,“Youcandothat,too.Iwasn’tthatwayalways.Istartedwith….(andthenheshowedmeaverysmallcirclearoundthetiltswitchofhisfinger)…thiscircle…andIjustdiditanddiditanditgotwiderandwider.AnyonecandowhatIdo.Anyone.”

From thatdayon I couldn’t get the tilt switchout ofmymind.Itwasanindeliblevisualmetaphorforbeingboldandchallengingmyself to always go a little further. Topush theenvelope.Tostepup.TostretchmyselfwheneverIcould.

OfcoursemycoachwouldmakesureIdidn’tforgettodothis.OnetimeIsenthimatrainingproposalIhadwrittentoacompanywhowantedme to train their salespeople. I calledStevetoaskhimwhathethoughtoftheproposal.

“Itwasgreat,”hesaid.“AlthoughIcaughtatypo.”“Ohreally?Whereisit?I’llfixit.Iwantittolookcleanand

professional.”“Thefeeyouproposedwasmissingazeroattheend.”He’dwantedmy$8,000feetobe$80,000dollars.Youcan

begin to see now, maybe, why his huge fee is something Ialwaysearnbackratherquicklyfrombeingcoachedbyhim.


Ready to get physical?

Great ideas originate in the muscles.

~ Thomas Edison

In The 4-Hour Body, a book that coaches you hard on

losing fat and gaining strength, Timothy Ferriss recounts atimewhenhewasonanislandwithbillionaireentrepreneurRichardBranson.

Twentypeople sat around listening toBranson’swisdomaboutinnovationandwealth.Someoneaskedthefinalquestion,thequestionmost everyonewanted theanswer to, “Howdoyoubecomemoreproductive?”

Branson sat a moment... and then spoke his answer:“Workout.”

What?Ithoughtweweretalkingaboutthemind?Thebrain!Strategy!Innovation!Whatdoyoumean,Work out?

Ithas takenmeyears tosee thewisdominwhatBransonsaid. And it came… not from believing it… but rather fromtestingit.Tryingit.

Agoodcoachisn’tafraidtomoveyourbody.Hewon’tjustfixhismindonyourmind.

StephenMcGheeisoneofmyfavoritecoachesofalltime.EverytimeIreferpeopletohimforcoaching,Igetnothingbut


thebestfeedbackonwhatithasdonefortheirlives.Stephenisalifecoachwithaspecialtyinre-introducinghisclientstotheirbodies.

Hegoesoutintotheworldwithpeopleandputstheirbodiesintothewholemind/body/spiritequation.AndI’vefoundovertheyearsinmyownlifeandinthelivesofclientsI’vecoached,thatwhenthebodygetsleftoutofthatequation,it’snotagoodoutcome.Youcan’tgetanoptimalresult.Body-neglectbringstheothertwothings(mindandspirit)waydown.

Butwhen you leadwith the body, the other two alwaysfollow.Ofthethreeelements,mind,body,andspirit,thebodyistheonlyonethatcangettheothertwotoautomaticallyriseupwithit!

Ifyoucangetupandwalkandmoveyourbody,themindandthespiritwillfollow!

Mostpeopletrytodoittheotherwayaround.Theywaituntil they feel likemovingthebody.Theythink

they’vegottogettheirmindrightbeforetheyexercise.Ortheyhavetobeintherightkindofmoodorspiritandthentheywilldance,orthentheywillswim,orthenthey’llrunorliftweightsorplaybasketball.Andthat’swhypeoplearesooutofshape.That’sexactlywhy—becausetheirbodieswait for inspirationinsteadofjustdivingin.

Everybody talks about themind-body connection. I hearpeople say, “I’ma coachofmind/body/spirit”—but they’vegotitinthewrongorder—theyaremisleadingeverybody—atleastinmyexperience.

Ifyouwere to leadwiththebody,amazingthingswouldhappen.Andyoudon’thavetowaittobeinaparticularmood.Youdon’t have to figure out if your psychology is preciselyrightorifthestarsarealigningorifyourDNAisperfect—youdon’thavetowait foranything.Theactionitself iswhat liftsyoutoact.

StephenMcGheeisingreatshape.Heclimbsmountains,heruns,andhedoesyoga.


“OnceIbegintoreallymovemybody,”saysMcGhee,“thereisanenlighteningelementthatoccursinmyentirelife.It’slikethebody startsmoving, theheart startspounding, thebloodflows,andthethinkinggetsclearer.Sotheprogressionisbody,mind,andthenspirit.Sosuddenlythenthereisthisenlivenedspiritthatcomesfrommovingmybody.”

Asa lifeand leadershipcoachMcGheenoticed that therewereanumberofhisclientshecouldseewerestrugglingwiththeirbodies.

“They were overweight,” he says, “and yet they werewantingtocreatesomethingmagnificentintheworld,intheirbusiness, in their life, but theywere being stopped by theirbody.Theycouldn’tseeit.”

SeeingthisgaveMcGheeanidea.Hewantedtodosomethingbigsohedecidedtobringagroupofmenwithhimonanine-monthcoachingprogram.Hedecidedtostartwiththephysicalandthenflowintotheemotional,mental,andspiritualwaysofbeingthatsupportedpeopleingrowingandgettingstrongerintheirlivesandintheirbusinesses.

“Iwantedittoculminatewithahugegoal,”hesaid.“Ididn’twantthistobesomethingbasedintheoryinaseminarroomwhereweonlytalkedaboutmovingourbodies.SoIcreatedaprogramcalledTheAconcaguaManProjectwhichculminatesinourclimbingahugemountainsummitafterninemonthsofexercisingtogether.”

He took his clients through nine months of mentalstrengtheningandemotionalstability,tosummitoutaverybigmountaininArgentinacalledAconcagua,whichhappenstobe22,834feettothetop.

Hiscoremessagetohisclients:“Putyourassonthelineandgeteverythingoffthecouch.”

Aconcagua is the tallest mountain in the world outsideof Asia. And this very sense of adventure is one thing thatsets life coaching apart from business consulting and frompsychotherapy.


I’m reminded of the old sports coaches’ saying (and it’sbeenattributedtosomanycoachesnowIhavenoideawhereitbegan),“It’snotthewilltowinthat’simportant;it’sthewilltopreparetowin.”

McGheeagrees,“Thatmountainisnotsomethingthatyouwanttobeunpreparedfor.Thestatisticsonthemountainareabout thirty percent of all people that attempt the summitactuallymakeitand,ofcourse,ourintentionasateamisthatweallmakethesummit.”

That’sthephysicalsideofthecoachingproject,butthere’sanotherside, too.McGheeandhisgroupofclientscall it theinwardsummit.

“It’s a realization that each of us physically has a placewherewethinkcangoto,”McGheesays.“ThenIhavethemgoastepbeyondthat.”

Goingbeyondwhereyouthinkyoucangoisexactlywhatcoaching is for. I realizewithmy own coaching that I neverwouldhavedaredtodowhatIdidwithmyprofessionallifehadInothadacoach.

McGhee says that the human body is an example of ourholdingback.“Thebodycandomore thanwe think it can,”he says. “Andwe as a society have gotten so lazywith ourbodiesthatwewanttodoitintwelveminutesaday.Wewantturtlebackabsintwelveminutesaday.Itjustdoesn’twork.”

I’vetriedtogetMcGhee,whoisforty-eight, toadmitthathehasdownperiodswhenhe forgets or simplydoesn’t feellikeexercising.Iaskedhimtotellmeaboutwhenthoseperiodshappenforhim.Thiswashisresponse:“Itisnotworthittometonotexercise.Ihadoneofthegreatestcomplimentsrecentlyfromapersonwhosaid,‘YouarethemostvitalpersonIhaveevermet.’WhenIheardthatIimmediatelythought,‘Ithasalottodowithtakingcareofthebody.’Imean,there’smeditation,there’saffirmations—there’sallthatstuff—butuntilthespaceisclearedthroughmybody,Icanjustforgetaboutit.BecauseifIdon’texercise,mymoodchanges,theworldlooksdifferent,


I’mmorecynicalabouttheworldandtheworldsituation.AllIneedtoknowisthatIfeelbetterafterexercise.Soit’snotinmyworldthatIwouldconsidernotexercising.”

The vitality McGhee radiates is part of the reason hiscoaching practice is so successful. People love his energy.They love being inhispresence.Whenhe coaches businessleaders,theyopenuptomoreexcitingrangesofpossibilitiesfortheirfuture.

Likesomanypeoplewhohavebecomeenlightenedtothepoweroflivingacommittedlife,McGheecantracehisinspirationback to anegative experience.Thisonce again illustrates thevalueof“bad”experiencesinlife.It’saparadoxicalfactorthatNapoleonHill called “inspirational dissatisfaction.” I’ll oftenuseitwithnewcoachingclients.Let’sfindwhereyouaremostdissatisfiedinlife,andlet’susethatasinspirationforcreatinganewfuture.

McGheewastwelvewhenhecontractedOsgood-Schlatterdisease.Itseverelylimitedthemovementofhisknees.Whenallhisfriendswereoutplayingfootballorbaseballhecouldn’t.Fortenmonthshehadtostaysittingathomewhiletheworldoutsideplayed.

McGheeremembersthatpainfulperiod:“Whenthatfinallyhealedup,Icanremembermakingadecision—achoice—thatIwouldalways exercise,becauseIgottofeelwhatitwaslikenotto.”

Someofthemenwhojoinedhimforthemountainclimbingprojectwereoutof shape.McGheebrought inaprofessionaltrainertoworkwiththem,andsaid,“Butitreallystarted,andthisisimportantforeverybodywhoisoutofshape,withtheimportantfoundation-settingtime.Soanyonethinking,‘It’stimeformetostarttomovemybodyagain,’it’simportanttostartslowly.Sowetooktwomonthsofbuildingfoundationfortheseguysthatwerenotinparticularlygreatshape.Soweweren’tcarryingheavypacks;weweren’trunningupmountains.Weweredoingcoreabdominalworkatthebeginning.Andthink


aboutit.Alotofourstrengthcomesfromourcoreandourlegs.Peoplethinkit’sbigbiceps—likePopeye.RememberPopeye?Heatealotofspinachandhehadbigarms,butIdon’tknowhowstronghiscorewas.Thecoreisyourabdominalarea,sothat’sstrengtheningitthroughsit-ups;orthereareotherwaystodoit,butthatisveryimportantwhenonebeginsaphysicalregime,becauseeverythingcomesfromthere.Youhavealotbetterchanceofstayinghealthywithoutlow-backproblemsoranyothercomplicationsfromheavyexercise.”

McGhee’sgrouptooktwomonthstobuildthecore.Allthewhilehewasalsocoachingtheminthecorestabilityof theirbusinessandfinancialworld,aswellasfamilyrelations.

There’sacoretheretoo.There’saprincipled,committedlifeversusalifeofpleasure,

painandego—thelifeofseekingloveandapprovalfromothers.A life lived invain.Coachingaddresses thewhole lifeof theclient.Notjusthisabdominalmuscles.

After the twomonthsofcorework,McGhee’sguysknewthatinsixmonthstheywouldbeclimbingAconcagua—oneofthetoughestmountainsintheworld.

“Itreallyshowshowquicklyandhowpowerfullyapersoncangetintopcondition,”saidMcGhee.

During the trainingMcGhee saw that therewas an evengreaterconnectionbetweenthebodyandthespiritthanhehadpreviously appreciated. (Coaches often become inspired bytheirclients.)Hesawhisclientsgrowstrong.

“Whenonestartstogethisorherbodyinshape,allkindsofpossibilitiesstarttoemerge,”hesaid.“Nolongerisapersondistractedbytwentypoundsofoverweightexcessfat.Suddenlytheyaremovingtheirbodybetter,sotheyarethinkingmoreclearly,andallofasuddentheyaresaying,‘Let’stalkaboutmyhavinganextraordinaryrelationshipwithmywife.’”


How to be alive to life

Self concept is destiny.

~ Nathaniel Branden

Dr.NathanielBrandenalwayssays that self-esteem is thegreatestpredictorofsuccessinlife.Andself-esteembeginsatthephysicallevel.Whetheryoufeelvibrantorinshapeaffectsyourwholeself-concept.Eveninabusinessmeeting.

Inhisbook100 Ways to Improve Your Writing,GaryProvostwritesaboutbest-sellingauthor JamesMichenerandhowhewould“actuallygointotraininglikeaboxerbeforehebeganabook,sotheleastyoucandoistakeafewdeepbreaths,putyourpulserateintosecondgear,anddeliverasupplyofoxygentothebrain.”

WeallgetgluedtotheTVduringtheOlympics,andweareso excited that health clubmemberships goupduring thoseweeks.Itwouldbegreatifwecouldjusthavethatbeadailythingforustoo.TohaveourliveslivedinsideourownOlympicVillageofthemind.

Orwecouldjustsitaroundandgetmoredepressed.Dr.JohnRateyisanMDwhohasdevotedhislife’sresearch

tostudyingtheeffectofexerciseonthebrain.HisbookSparkishighlyrecommended.Manyofthepsychiatristshemeetswith


havenoclueaboutexerciseandhowitrelates todepression.Theyjustwanttoworkwiththepharmaceuticalcompaniestocomeupwithmoreandmoreprescriptions.Andmanyofthosedrugslist“suicide”asapossiblesideeffectoftakingthedrug.Suicidewouldalsocertainlyeliminatethedepression,buttherehastobeabetterway.

Dr.Rateysaysthatmostpsychiatristsjustdon’tknowthis:

Toxic levels of stress erode the connectionsbetweenthebillionsofnervecellsinthebrainorthat chronic depression shrinks certain areas ofthebrain.Andtheydon’tknowthat,conversely,exercise unleashes a cascade of neurochemicalsandgrowthfactorsthatcanreversethisprocess,physicallybolsteringthebrain’sinfrastructure.

StephenMcGheegetscallsfromhisteamduringthebusinessweekthankinghimforthedifficulttrainingtheydidovertheweekendonsnowymountainsinColorado.Theytellhimtheyfeelmorealivethantheyeverhavebefore.McGheereflectsonhowgladheis,asacoach,tobesofocusedonthephysical,andtohavebeingaliveandvibrantthecentralcharacteristicofhisownbeing.

“Peoplewanttohirecoacheswhoarealivetolife,”hesays.Thatremindedmeofsomething.MichaelNeillwasdoinghis

SuperCoachAcademyinNewYorkandinvitedsomepeopleover froma coaching association to sample it and sit in andseewhathewasdelivering.Whentheyfoundoutthathewascharging$10,000per coach toattend, theybecame infuriatedandrefusedtohaveanythingtodowithhim.Theypointedoutthatmostof the“coaches”(noticeIusequotesthere) intheirassociationsweremakinglessthan$20,000ayearascoaches,andtheythoughtitwascriminalthathewaschargingsomuch.

Nowonder,withthatvictimmentalityatthetop,thatthoseso-called “coaches” were making so little. And it was also


funny.Howcanyousellyourselfasasuccesscoachwhenyouyourself arenot successful?Whatdo they say toprospectiveclients?“Hireme!I’llhelpyougetanythingyouwant…I’llhelpyoudreambigandreachthatdream…pleasehireme.WhichStarbucksdoyouwanttomeetmeat?IthastobeaStarbucksbecauseIhavenooffice.AndithastobeinmybuslinebecauseIhavenocar.ButIcanhelpyoureachanygoalyouset.”

So I think maybe it was an association of homelesscoaches—that’swhat I said toMichael.Maybe itwasn’t anassociationof professional coaches.Maybehe got itwrong.HecouldhavehadthemallovertotheAcademyandformedasouplineforthem.

McGheeisright.Ifacoachcannotfirsttakecareofhimselfand succeed and be vibrant and strong, imagine now goingto someone and saying “Whatdoyouwant to achieve?YounameitandI’llhelpyougetthere!”Andthenyoulookattheguyandhe’soutofshapeandoutofmoney.Thisisoneofthemosthilariouspartsofourprofession.Therearemanyamusingthingsabouttheworkwedoandthisisjustoneofthem.

Thecoachingprofessionhasgottensohotandpopularthateveryonenowwants…notonlytohave acoach…buttobeone.Ihadacabdriver inL.A. tellmehewasacoachonthesideandhegavemehiscard.IgavehimabookofmineasIleftthecabandhesaid,“OhIknowwhoyouare!I’vereadthisbook!”SomedayheandIwillcoacheachother.

Mostpeoplethink,“If Iweretotakeupexercise, Iwouldhavetogiveupsomethingelse.Theotherpartsofmylifewouldgetworseandtheywouldsufferandtheywouldgodownhill.”Businesspeopleespeciallytellmethat.“IfItookthetimetogetintoshape,thenIwouldn’tbeabletocallTokyointhemorninganddomydeals!”

And this fear reveals a key element of physical training.Even more important than the training itself: commitment.Keeping one’s commitment to it is evenmore strengtheningthantheworkoutitself.


McGheesays,“Therehavebeendays, thousandsof them,whereIdidnotfeellikedoingadamnthingintermsofexercise.SoImightgodowntothegymfortwenty-fiveminutes,becausemy integrity is at stake, because I’ve promisedmyself I amgoingtododailyexercise.Imean,youandIhavebothworkedwithSteveHardison,soImean,Hello,theguyhascleanedmyclockonthisinapositivewaysomanytimesaboutdoingwhatIsayIamgoingtodo.Ihonorthefortificationofthatinmylifeandthevelocityofmyword.”

SoMcGheeusesexercise regimens forhisclients,not justto get their bodies in shape, but to achieve one of themostpowerfulpotentialsthatlifecoachingoffers:thefortificationofone’sword.

He says, “We become more powerful with ourselves byjust simplydoingwhatwesay,even if it’s twentyminutesaday of stretching. So I’mnot saying to everybody ‘Go climbthehighestpeakinSouthAmerica.’I’msaying,‘getoutofbed,drinksomewaterandsomejuice,throwaproteinshakedown,anddosomethingthattakescareofthattempleofyourscalledyourbody,’becausewithoutitnothingelsehappens.”

Years ago McGhee was a deeply stressed-out bankerwhogotabloodclotthatnearlycosthimhislife.Herecalls,“Iwasdoinga jobthatIdidnot like. Iwasstill livinginaworldof‘haveto’(youknow,‘Ihavetodothiswork,Ihaveto paymymortgage’) and Iwas being a total victim. TheinternalstressthatIexperiencedbynotbeingwhoIamhadme create a problem inmy body; and it was a blood clotanditgotveryseriousandI,ofcourse,ignoreditlikealotofpeopledowhen theyhavehealth issues—wethink theyare just going to go away and oftentimes they don’t. So Iwent intoanemergencyroomonaThursdayevening,andthenurselookedatmyarmandhereyesgotbiglikeafishbowl(likethis isreallynotgood),andIendedupbeinginintensive care foralmost eightdayswhile theycleared theblood clot. I had a very severe reaction to themedication,


whichhadmegoinginto(whatIrefertoas)myneardeathexperiencebecauseIliterallyleftmybody;myheartstoppedfor aminute and sixteen seconds according to themedicalpeopleonstaff.WhenIfinallycamebackintomybody…andthenlatercomingoutofthehospital…Iwasthinkingabouthowimportantkeepingmybody inshapewas to fulfillingmypurposeinlife.Ijustcan’tfulfillmypurposeifmybodydoesn’twork!”

And his revelation after leaving his bodywasn’t just tostayinshapefromnowon,butitwasalsotoshifthisfocustowhat he coulddo as a leader of leaders and a life coachtoindividualswhowerehavingtheirownslower,butjustasrealnear-deathlives.

“Iwent into coaching because Iwanted to be someonewhowasmakingabiggerdifference than Iwasmaking inthepast. I couldhave lookedat the challenge inmy life—especiallymymedical challenge in 1990—and I could say,‘thatwas justunfair andwrong… thatwasn’t right…whyme?’ButwhatIdidinsteadwasIsaid‘I’mjustsoluckytobe alive.What a blessing!What do Iwant to dowith thisblessing?’Well, Iquitthebank.ThatwasthefirststepandIsaid,‘Ifnotnow,thenwhen?’Sothatmedicalcatalystwasa great catalyst for me. I was slower than most people. Ineededacosmic two-by-four tosmackme in theheadandsay‘Wakeup,Dude;it’stimetogoliveyourlife,’andthat’swhatIdid.”

ToMcGheecoachingandexercisearebothaboutdevelopingthe power to make and keep commitments, which becomescoreintegrity.

Alotofpeoplethink“integrity”meansnotlyingasmuchasyouused to,oragreeing tonowputmostofyour incomeonyourIRSform.Butintegrity,thewayMcGheelivesitandcoachesit,hastodowithkeepingyourpromisetoyourself.Inotherwords,havinganintegratedlife.Wordandactionbecomeintegratedinintegrity.


Alotofpeoplethink“integrity” ismostusefulasawordwithwhichtoshameothers.IhaveaguyinmylifewithwhomIhadkindofastormyrelationship,andanytimehewantedsomething fromme that he didn’t think he was getting, hewoulddragout“integrity”andtrytobeatmewiththewordlikeitwasabigreligiousbook.Heusedthatwordbecausehethoughtitwasagoodshamingword—thatyoucanembarrasspeoplewithit.

ButcoacheslikeMcGheeseeitmoreastruth-equals-beauty-equals-integrity-equals-keepingyourpromisetoyourself.

Whataboutpeoplewhohaven’texercisedinyears?Howdotheystart?

McGhee has leadership clients who are like that. Jokingabouttheirbigappetitesandsloppyappearance.

“Commitment to yourself,” says McGhee, “involvesaccepting that small thingsdone consistently over time canmakeamajorimpact.IfIwerecoachingsomeonewhohadn’texercised in years, I would say, ‘Tomorrow morning areyouwilling togetupearly… (What timedoyou startyourday—say8o’clock)…areyouwillingtogetupatsix,throwsomeproteindownyourbody,drinksomewaterandgoforatwenty-fiveminutewalkaroundtheneighborhood?Areyouwillingtodothat?’”

“Yes,Iamwillingtodothat.”“Areyouclearthatyouarenotpromisingmethat,butare

youreallyclearyouarepromisingyourselfthat?”“Yes,I’mclearonpromisingmyselfthat.”“Soweare in agreement thatyouarepromisingyourself

thatyouaregoingtogetuptomorrowmorninganddothat.Isthataccurate?”

“Yes,that’saccurate.”McGhee knows they are committed now to do that

themselves.“ThenIwouldcallthatpersonbynoonthatdayandIwould

say,‘Sarah,didyougetupinthemorning,drinksomeprotein,


drinksomewater,andgowalkroundtheneighborhood?’“Yes,Idid.”“Whathadyoumotivatedtodothat?”“IpromisedmyselfIwould.”“Great.Beautiful.Howdidyoufeel?”“Oh,myGod,Ifeelbetter.Mywholeday’sbeenbetter.It’s

notevennoonyetandI’vegotmoredoneandI’mthinkingmoreclearlythanIeverhaveinmywholelife—orinfouryears.”

“Beautiful,areyouwillingtodoittomorrow?”“Yes.”“Wouldyoubewillingtodofiveminuteslonger?”“Yes.”Many people ask, “How do I motivate myself to keep

doingthat?”I’ll answer that questionmyself becauseMcGhee already

talkedabouthowthisissomethinghehasdoneeversincehewasaboyandhe justdoes it.Butfor thosewhohaven’t justdoneit,thisisoneofthegreatquestionsofalltime.HowdoImotivatemyself?Thequestionkeepscomingupoverandoverinsomanydifferentformatswithsomanyclientsofmine,anditcameupinmyownlifesooften.

Myclientssaytome,“WhatdoIdowhenmymotivationfadesandmydesirewanes?”

I want to set aside whatever can wane. In other words,anythingthatcanfadeorwane—likemotivation, inspiration,andfeelinglikeit—Iwanttofactorthatout.

If it’s going to be 5:30 in the morning that I walk fortwenty-five minutes around the neighborhood, I wantto justwalk; and Idon’twant towonderwhy Idon’t feelso motivated, or wonder how to keep my motivation upbecausethat’sputtingthecartbeforethehorse.What needs to occur is the walking—not themotivation towalk; andpeopleinoursocietygetthisbackwards.

Theythinkthatinordertodosomething,theyneedtobemotivated.


Theyarewrong.McGhee says we have become lazy, but it’s worse than

that—muchworsethanlazy.Wehavebecomespoiled.Wenowbelievethattodosomething,weneedtoreallylikeit.ItneedstobeonourFacebookpageasoneofour favorite things todobeforeweevenconsiderdoingit.

Wesaytoourchildren,“Doyouwanttoeatthis?Doyouwant to eat that?Would you like to go toDisneyland?”Weare giving children all these choices and everybody’s beingpampered and catered to. People walk around taking theiremotional temperatureallday trying tofigureoutwhat theyfeellikedoing.

Andtheycometomeandask,“HowdoIgetmyselftofeellikeexercising?”Andmyansweristhat’snottheproblem.It’sthefactthatyouarenotexercising.That’stheproblem.It’snotthatyoudon’tfeellikeit.Thefactthatyouwouldevenaskthatquestionistheproblembecauseyouthinkyouhavetofeellikedoingsomethingbeforeyoudoit.

Soitwouldbelikesaying,“Ifmyhouseburnsdown,howdoIgetmyselftofeellikerunningoutside?”

Noonewouldhave toget themselves to feel like it.Theywouldrunoutsidefirstand thencheck inwith their feelingslater.Thesameistrue,Ifoundinmyworld,withexercise.Itwasn’taboutgettingmyselftofeellikedoingit.Itwasaboutdoingornotdoing.I’mgoingtodoitornotdoit.Andthat’stheonlyquestion.

Soallthepeoplewhowrestlewithandtormentthemselvesover trying tofindthemotivationtodosomethingarereallymissingoutonalifeouttherethatwouldbethereforthemiftheywouldjustdothesethings.

McGheesays,“Itisnotsupposedtobeeasy.Wewantittobeeasy.Whywouldwewantexercisetobeeasy?Thewholepointis thatwe get to experience something that’s uncomfortable.That’s why we push ourselves. That’s why we watch greatathletesstandonapodiumwiththeNationalAnthemplaying


inthebackgroundandwealltearup.Becauseweknowtheypushedbeyondwhatwaseasy.AndweareallGoldMedalistsifwewouldjustmoveourbodiesandmoveourmindsandourspirit inthedirectionof ‘this isgoodforme’and‘sometimeswhat’sgoodformeisn’teasy.’”


Lift yourself from nothingness

Then, suddenly, I knew not how or where or when, my brain felt the impact of another mind, and I

awoke to language, to knowledge of love, to the usual concepts of nature, of good and evil! I was actually

lifted from nothingness to human life.

~ Helen Keller

AnneSullivanwasHelenKeller’steacheranddarewesaylifecoach,althoughthephrasewasnotaroundthen.

HelenKellerwaslostandconfusedandasleepwhileawake.Thenshegotitwhenlanguageflowedin.Thelittlegirlfeltsuchjoy.

Ifwearetocreateanything,itbeginsinlanguage.Coachinghasyourbrain feel the impactofanothermind.

Andoneof theareasmybrainmostneededcoachinginwasselling.Oncethecoachinghadits impact, Iwasabletowriteaboutthetruenatureofselling,whichisjoy.“Joy”isaspowerfulwordasyoucanfindonourlanguage.

So IwroteabookcalledThe Joy of Selling. The titlewasadeliberate choice, even though it was jarring and hard toswallowtothosewhothoughtthatsellingwasdifficult.

MywholepointinthattitleandinthatbookwasthatonceIlearned to really enjoy the selling process and not fight it, I got


successful.OnceIstoppedbeingconfusedaboutwhethersomebodysaying“no”meantrejection, thensellingactuallybecamea thrillforme.ItbecamesomethingthatIgotgoodatanditwasfuntodo.Ittookmanyyearstoseethelight.ButonceIsawthelight,ithappenedalmostovernight.ThanksCoach.

Iwasstrugglingwith it fora long time. Ihaddeepnegativethoughtsaboutit,andittookmealongtimetounravelthoseandtakeafreshapproachandstartoveragainandstartsellingwiththeideaoffunbeingthemainobjective.Moneyandfun.Whoknewthat the twowent together? I had thought it was the opposite.Moneyandpain.Thatwasmyoldbeliefsystem.

IremembersowellthelinefromtheWarrenBeatty,JulieChristiemovieMcCabe and Mrs. Miller. There’sapoignantmomentinthemoviewhenBeattyasMcCabesays,“Allyou’vecostmesofarismoneyandpain….”

I saw thatmoviemany times inmyyouth andwouldoftenrepeatthatlinefromthemoviewithmyfriendFred.We’dmentionanex-girlfriendandwewouldbothimitateBeatty’svoicesaying,“Moneyandpain.”

Soitmeantalottometosee(thelight!)thattherecouldbesuchathingasjoyinselling.

AfterIreallygotthehangofsellingmyself,Istartedtrainingsalespeopleandsalesteamsandtheybegantohavesuccesses,too.Movingoverfrompain(victim)tojoy(owner).IwasinovertwentyFortune 500 companies at the level of sales staff and leadershipteamsdoingmyowner-victimsalestraining.Becausethereisawaytotrainthisandtoworkwithpeopleandteachthemhowtoenjoyit;andthemoreenjoymentpeoplecreatedforthemselves,themoresuccessfultheywereatselling.Itwasn’ttheotherwayaround.

Mostpeoplethinkithappenstheotherwayaround:OnceIstartsellingI’llenjoylifemore.

AlotoftimeswhenIwouldgetintoagrouporacompany,thebookwouldgetpassedouttothem;andtheywouldlookatthetitleThe Joy of Sellingandjustlaughbitterly.“Oh,mygosh,it’sthemostdreadfulprofessionintheworld.It’sthehardest


thingtodo.Andhethinksit’ssomefrivolousthinglikethejoyofcooking?”

And I noticed, too, when I started coaching coaches andputtingtheminmycoachingschool,thatthepartofcoachingthattheyhadthebiggeststrugglewithwashow to sell coaching.

It really isn’tabigmysteryas towhysellingandsales isdifficultforsomanypeople.It’sintheculture,it’sinthemovies,it’sinthenovels,it’sonTV,it’sinthemedia,andit’seveninoureducationalsystem.Thedemonizationoftheprofitmotiveiseverywhere!

Inoticedwhenmychildrenweregoingtoschool,therewasneveranhour—notevenonehourinthehundredsofthousandsofeducationalhours—spenttalkingaboutcommerce,orabouttheglobalmarketplaceandhow to sell somethingandenjoydoing it.Sellingwasthenecessaryevil thatgreedyprofiteersknewhowtodo.Goodpeopledon’tdothatkindofthing.Goodpeoplespendtheirtimetakingcareofothers.

Sellingwasalwaysreferredtoasbeinggreed-based,orassomethingyouhadtodoasalastresort.Sooninourmindsweknew thatthemostdifficultpartofallof lifewouldbetosellsomebodysomething!

Nowonderit’shardtolearn.Lookhowwe’vebeenprogrammed.Well. It gives a lot of business to coacheswho can teach

clientstogetgoodatselling.Coacheswhospecializeinthat—likeBrandonCraig,butI’llgettohiminaminute.

Back tomysociologicalanalysis:MovieswouldcomeoutlikeWall Street whereinthevillainswouldalwaysbeanybodywho had a company or who was involved in any kind ofcorporation.It’sstilltruetodayinmovies.Sokidsgrowingupinourcountryhavenorealpositivewaytorelatetosalesasajoyfulactivity.Theydon’tseeitasanexchangeofvalue,wherebothsidescanwin,wheretheeconomycanmoveforwardandpeoplecanadvancetheirlives.

It’s thought of as a last resort. If you can’t catch onwithsomehonorablealtruisticorganization,thenyoumighthaveto


gosellforalivingasaverylastditchdesperationmoveifyoucandonothingelse.

Noweveryonceinawhilesomeonecomesalongwhoisjustanaturalatselling—eventhoughtheremighthavebeenalotofworkbehindthenaturalness—likebeingamissionary,andsellingthingsatayoungage.BrandonCraigisoneofthosepeople.

ImetBrandonmanyyears agowhenwebothworked atacorporatetrainingcompanyandIwasgivingseminars.ButIwas onlygiving seminars becauseBrandonwas selling theseminars.Hewasout in theworld, ayoungguy, going intocompaniesandcorporationsandpickinguplargechecks.Hesoldmygoal achievement training—andhe led the team insales!Everywherehewenttoworkafterthat,intelemarketingsales—anykindofsales—hewouldalwaysrisetothetop,evennationally.Hewaswhat I callanatural—likeRedford in thebaseballmovie. He just loves it. He loves talking to people.He loves thewhole concept of selling and has really strongprinciplesandskillswithsales.

Brandonagreedtocometooneofmycoachingschoolstositinandwatchhowthatworksandtohelptheothercoachesintheschool.Hecoachedanumberofthosepeopleintheschoolon how to sell their coaching services. And since that timeBrandonhasnowbecomeapowerfulbusinesscoach.WheneverIhaveaclientwhoisjusttotallystuckandIcan’tmovethemintheareaofsales,IbringinBrandonandBrandonworkswiththemforawhileandthenIgetreportsthattheyhavehadgreatbreakthroughsandtheyaresellingnowlikeneverbefore.

Brandonisamaster.Notjustatselling.Heownedhisowncompanythatbuiltbeautifulwrought-irongates,andhewouldsell and train his people to sell all day and has respondedbeautifullytotherecession.Hewasintheconstruction-relatedindustry with housing in Arizona—just the worst thing (ormaybethebestthing)youcouldeverbeinifyouweregoingtobeavictimofcircumstance—andhesold through thiswholethingandwassuccessfulinthefaceofdirewarningsandworries.


Brandon sees sales as profoundly beautiful and a deeperandmorepervasivepracticethanwerealize.

“Weareallsalespeopleinourownwayandwearesellingourselvestoourfriendsandourfamily,”hesays.“We’resellingourselvestoouremployer,toouremployees,becauseweareconstantlycommunicating.Iwouldevenintroducetoyoutheideathatwealsosellourselvestoourselves.Wehavetobuyintosomethingallthetime.”

Thatwouldbeagreatthingtomaster.Butsomanypeoplethink selling is pushy. They are afraid that to try to sellsomething is bothersome. They’ll end up being disliked. Afriendwonderedabouthowtobettersellhismusicanddancelessons“withoutbeingpushyaboutit,”andIputhimintouchwithBrandon,whotoldhim:“Beingpushyiswhatyoumightfeelifyouarenotreallycommunicatingthevalue.Ifyouhaveamusicschoolthatprovidesavaluableservicetosomeone,andifyourexistingstudentsloveitandappreciatehavingitsomuchthattheyarewillingtowriteacheckforitonacontinualbasis,then that’sexciting tocommunicate toothers.You’dwant totell everybody!You’dwant to take that chance… the chancetoexplainwhatoccursintheschoolforpeople.Let’snotover-complicatetheprocess.It’sreallyavery,verysimpleprocess.Salesisaboutbeingabletocommunicatewithyourpotentialcustomerwhatitisthatyourserviceorproductdoesfortheminsuchawaythattheycanseeit.Becauseiftheycanseeitthesamewayyoucanseeit,they’llbuyit.”

IagreedwithBrandon.IthoughtbacktofifteenyearsagowhenIwasstrugglingwithsellingmyseminarstocorporations.ThatfearoflookingpushyreallymeantthatIwasfocusedonmeandwhatIwasgoingtogetoutofthesale.Iwasn’tfocusedon what value the other personmight receive if they knewaboutit—iftheycouldseeit.

Therefore,today,thefearsofbeingpushyareasignaltomethatIamstilljustfocusedonme. I’mworriedthatI’mtheonlyonewhowinsinthisconversation.I’mbelievingthatmoneyismore


important than anything—even more important than music,even more important than a life-changing seminar! I alwayswant to turn thataroundandsay the experience is theexcitingthinghere…notthemoney.IfIstayfocusedonwhathappensforpeople—andifItakethefocusoffme—Idon’tfeelpushyatall.Ifeelexcitedtokeeptalkingandkeepaskingquestions.

WhenBrandoncoachespeopleonhowtoselltheirserviceshe emphasizes the direct approach. He recognizes truth asbeauty—andtruthasaneffectiveapproachtoselling.

“We’re soafraid to stateour true intention,”he says.“Sowefeellikewehavetodancearoundtherealthing,buttothepersonwearetalkingtoit’snotclearwhatweareupto.”

Havingyourownintentionbecleariseverything.Peopledon’tlikebeingmanipulated.Theydon’t likebait and switch,or theindirectapproach.Theywanttoknowwhatwewantandwhy.

“Ibelievein justbeingreallydirectandhonest,”Brandonsays.“Youmightask,‘Whatdoyousee?’or‘WhatisitthatI’veshowedyou thatyouhave interest in?’ or ‘Whatdoyounothaveanyinterest in?”or“What is it thatyouhesitateabout?Whatisitthatweneedtospendmoretimetogetheron?Whatdoyouseevaluein?’Thosearethekindsofthingsthathavetheotherpersonbecomepartoftheprocesssoyoualwaysknowwheretheyare.”

Coaching,atitsbest,alwaysseemstoimprovetheclient’srelationshipwithreality.LikeBrandondoeswhenhecoachespeopleonhowtosell.ThemoreIknowaboutwhatmyprospectisreallythinkingateverymoment,thebetterIwilldowhenIamsellinghimorhersomething.

Dysfunction occurswhenwe don’twant to know.Whenwefogthingsoverwithpleasantriesandgounconscious.It’sasifwecan’thandlethetruth.Butcoachingshowsus,almostalways,thatthetruthwedon’tthinkwecanhandlewillactuallybewhatwinsthetrustofanotherperson.

AfinalpointBrandonstressesinhiscoachingisbeliefitself.Having a strong belief in your product or servicewhen you


go out to sell it. Because Emerson was right when he said,“Nothinggreatwasevercreatedwithoutenthusiasm.”That’sespeciallytrueofagreatsalesrelationship.Enthusiasm,morethananythingelse,sells.

A guest in a seminar I was delivering on sales had aninterestingquestion.Hesaid,“I’venevergoneoutintothefieldtosellsomethingandit’ssomethingI’dliketotry.WhatshouldIdofirst?Isitbettertofirstacquiregoodsalesskillsorbettertoknowmyproductdeeplyenough?”

I told him I would know the product, love the product,becrazyaboutit,beenthusiasticaboutit,beanencyclopediaof information about theproduct, be obsessedwith it; and ifIwantedtosucceedatsales,Ialsowanttogetcuriousabouthowothergreatsalespeopledoit.Getthosebooksandaudioprograms.EvenconsidergettingacoachlikeBrandon.

I had a young man call me the other day who was juststartinghis career in real-estate sales inCalifornia.Hewasayoungmanwith a good company, and they offered a lot ofongoingtrainingtohiminhowtosellrealestate.Whywashecallingme?

“Iwanttogetthemainpartright,”hesaid.“IreadabookofyoursandrealizedthatIdidn’twanttowaitalltheyearsyouwaitedtolearnwhatyoulearnedfromSteveHardison.Iwantthatnow.Iwanttomasterself-motivationandcommitment.Idon’twantittohavetocomefrommycompanyormyfamilyorsociety.Iknowthatallofthatisfear-based.”

Thefirstcommitmentwouldbetobegreatatwhatyoudo.Not good, but great, and to be great for the funof it, not topleaseanyoneelseormakeanimpression.IfI’mgoingtosellandenjoyit,thenIwanttobereallygreatatit.That’sthebigproblemwithseeingsalesasthenecessaryevilofoursystem—as “the hard thing”—the one thing that’s difficult to do. If Iapproachitthatway,itwillalwaysbehardforme.

BrandonCraigstressesthisbelieffactortoo.“Ifsomebodysaid they want to become a salesman, I would say find


somethingyoureallybelievein.Becausewehavefartoomanypeopleoutthererepresentingproductsandservicestheyreallydon’tbelievein.Theyarewastingalotoftime.Itdoesn’tserveyou and it doesn’t serve the company you are working forand it certainlydoesn’t serve thecustomer.Soonceyoufindsomethingyoubelieveinandyouunderstandwhatitis,nextyou’vejustgottobeabletocommunicatethatandcommunicateitatalevelwhereyouarewillingtobecompletelyhonestandhaveintegrityineveryconversation.”

Brandonalsocoachespeopleonthepowerofmeasurable,doable daily process goals versus huge heartbreakingsoul-destroying deflationary outcome goals. Stressing thesimplicity of a successful sales day, he tells his coachingclients:“Makeanagreementwithyourselfonwhatyouplanto dowhen you sell. A lot of people go backwards. Theysay, “I’m going to sell twenty-four units this week.” Butthat’sbackwardsand ineffective.Because theydon’t reallyunderstand how to get to the number twenty-four. Theythinkthatnumber,allbyitself,isgoingtodrivethem.AndalthoughIrecognizethevalueofhavingagoal,there’smorevalue inmaking an agreementwith yourself onwhat youaregoingtodoabout it.Rightnow, inthispresentday,sothatit’sactionable.Soyouarebetteroffsaying,“TodayI’mgoingtomakeseventeensalescalls,andtomorrowI’llmakeseventeensalescalls,”andthenactuallyhonortheagreementyouhavemadewithyourselfsoyoucangetsomepowerinyourperformance.”

But what if I’m reluctant to make those seventeen calls?What if I havewhat the sales training industrypolitely calls“call reluctance”?Brandon says, “Handle your fear aheadoftime.Beprepared.Do thatby recognizing thatwhoever it isthatyouarecallingcouldpotentiallybenefitfromyourcall.Butyoucan’tdothatfromapositionoffear.”

Manysales trainingcompanieshavemade tonsofmoneytraining sales teams to overcome call reluctance. It’s a huge


problemintheworldofselling.Ihadthatproblemmyselfinvery profounddegrees! Itwasn’t until I brought inmy owncoachthattheproblemwentaway.AndIdidn’t“overcome”callreluctance;Ioverwhelmedit.Icrushedit.Mycoachexplainedthatitwouldeitherhavetobethat,ornotworkwithhim.Nomiddleground.

Callreluctance!Itsoundsratherinnocentdoesn’tit?Theworstpartabout this seeminglymildproblemof call

reluctance is that it becomes life reluctance, getting-out-of-bed reluctance, joining-society reluctance, being-a-part-of-civilizationreluctance.It’saslipperyslope.

It’s an unwillingness to join the world and play in theglobalgames.

AnditissomuchfuntoreallystareitdownandlookatwhyIamresistant—whatitisabout?WhatIamgoingtosaywhenIcallpeople?WhyamIreluctanttosayit?

IwanttochangewhatthatisuntilIamexcitedtosayit—so I can’twait to say it. Because if I don’t havewhat I amsaying be something I’m so happy to be able to offer, thennoneofthiswillwork!Iwanttohavemycallbesomethingthatgivesyouanopportunity!Iwanttorealizeandmakerealtomyself(asifrealitywereonmyside)thefactthatifIhadn’tcalled you, youwould have noway of knowing about thisopportunityforthisservice.

IfIdon’tgetmyselfintothatinternalpositiontocomefrom,thenofcourseI’llhavecallreluctance.I’llalwayshaveit.AndlikeBrandonCraigsays,“DoIbelieveinit?DoIbelievethiscallwouldservetherecipientofthecall?”BecauseifIbelievethat,whywouldIresistit?Iamhelpingyou.I’mnotreluctanttohelpyouorofferyousomethingreallynice.

IfIamawaiterandI’mofferingyoudessertorcoffeeafteryourmeal,Idon’thaveresistancetothat.Iwalkupandofferitbecauseyoumightlikethat.Andso,it’spureservicethatIofferit.SowhydoInotseemysalescallasaservicetosomeone?IcanifImaketheinternaladjustment.


Thereare twoways tofix fear.One is internalandone isexternal.IcanfixitbydoingthethingIamafraidofoverandoverandoverenough times so that it’s just easyandalmostboringforme.That’soneprovenway.OrIcandoitbycleaningmyselfupinternallyandalteringmybeliefssothatmybeliefisdifferentwhenImakethecall.

It’sbesttodoboth.Theexternalwaywouldbe—whetherI’mreluctantornot—

I’mgoingtomaketheseventeencalls. I’mgoingtoputabigwhitesheetonmydoorwithseventeenboxesinit;andateverycall,I’mgoingtoputanxinonebox.Iwillnotleavethisofficeuntiltheseventeenaremade.Nowthereisnolongeramatterofreluctance;it’s justsomethingIamdoingandtherecanbefearornofearornervousness,butIamdoingitanyway.IfIdo thatagain tomorrowand thenextday, I’llnotice the feardiminishes.That’stheexternalwaytobreakthisthing.

Theinternalwayistositwithmycoachandallowhimtochallengemybelief.Hethenhelpsmedevelopastrongermoreusefulbelief,andtogetherwekeepstrengtheningmybeliefinwhat Iamdoinganddroppingthenegativeaspectofwhat IbelieveIamdoing,andthefeartendstogoawaythatwaytoo.

AsBrandonsays,“Whywouldsomeonebuyanythingfromyouifyoucan’tmusterupthecouragetosellit?Soyoumightwanttogetthathandledbeforeyoumovetothecallingpart.”

WhywouldIusemyblog(www.imindshift.com)toSELLmyupcoming seminars and coaching schools?Whywould Iopenlysellonablogthatpeopleinnocentlyread?Whywouldanybody ever sell anything?Why exchange value?Why notSEIZEthewealthofothersandredistributeittothosewiththemostdepressinggrievances?

Igotanemailtheotherdaythatcriticizedmyblogssaying,“Seth Godin would never do that. Seth expresses gratitudeinhisblogs.Sethnevermarketswithoutpermission.”Seth iscarefulnottosellbecausehisreputationisimportanttohim.

Myreputationisnotimportanttome.IfIcanhelppeople,


Iwill.Iwillnotequatesellingwithharming.Andthatupsetsalotofpeople’sparadigms.ButifNOONEisEVERatallUPSETwith mywork and communications, then I know that I amsimplyplayingitsafeandmakingcautionmyonlymission.


I am seeking your disapproval

PerhapsthemostpowerfulcoachofalltimeisByronKatie.In a coaching school I was conducting, awoman raised herhandonceandaskedmewhythereweresofewwomeninthecoachingworld. I begged to differ. There are asmany goodwomenastherearemen.

Byron Katie says, “Personalities cannot love. They wantsomething.”Irejoicethatsomeonehasfinallypointedthatout.Sheisfearless.

Manypeoplehavesubscribedtoreceiveemailmessagesfromme.Iwilloftentrytodrivepeopleawayfromthemembershipwithmessagesthatstretchtheirbeliefsystemstothebreakingpoint.WhydoIdothis?AmIcrazy?

No. Iwas doingKatie’smeditativework on the belief “Ineed approval” and one of the turnarounds (possible beliefsthat are as true or truer than the dysfunctional belief that’ssabotagingmylifeandhappiness)was“Ineeddisapproval.”AndIcouldreallyseeit.IneeddisapprovaltoletmeknowthatI’mnotplayingthingssafeandthatI’moutthere,givingitmyall—whetherinabook,atalkoracoachingsession.

Notdisapprovalforitsownsake…butawillingnesstopushthe envelope and really stretchwhat’s expected. Iwill neverknowifIamdoingthatunlessIgetsomepushback.


Rescue your future now

A great coaching conversation pulls the future out of thefuture.Whyleaveyourfuturestrandedinthefuture?Manyyearsago I returned fromagreatLandmarkEducationseminarwithafive-yearplanformyself.Icouldn’twaittotakeittomycoachSteveHardisonandshowhim.Iwasgoingtobeapublicspeaker!

Ihadafive-yearplan.Iwasproudofmyself,becausepriortotheseminaritwasjustapipedream,andnowitwasareality.Itwasonapieceofpaper inmyhands.Youcan’tgetmuchmorerealthanthat.

“Oh,yesyoucan,”saidSteveHardison.“Whatdoyoumean?”Isaid.“Whydo youwant towaitfive years for this?” he asked.

“I’veheardyouspeaktoaroomfullofpeople.”“Oh,thatwasjustfoolingaround….don’tyouthinkittakes

time?Torampitup?Startsmallandbuild.Buildareputationovertime?”

“Itwilltakefiveyearsonlybecauseyoubelieveitwilltakefiveyears.”

“Oh.”“Whynotdoitnow?”“Now?”“Whynotcompressitandhaveallthethingsyouwantto

dointhefuturetakeplacerightnow?”


Igotveryexcited.Ididn’tknowyoucoulddothat.Ididn’tknowyoucouldputthefutureintothepresentmoment.Myfive-year plan happened in five months. Five months afterthe plan Iwas getting five-figure fees formy speaking andmycalendarwasfillingfast.Sodoescoachingwork?Peoplealwaysaskme,doesitreallywork?Orisitjustsomekindoffeel-goodthing?


We don't need no education

Coachingwascreatedforthosewhoneversing.Imovedintocoachingreluctantly.Iwouldgivetalksand

theclientswouldaskmetostayanextradayafterthetalkand“coach”variousindividuals.

If I hadn’t been coachedmyself by the ultimate coach, Iwouldbetotallyblindtowhatcoachingcoulddo.NowIwasjustpartiallyblind.

Iknewonethingaboutcoaching.Itwouldbetwopeopletalking. Two people instead of one. It would break theisolation. That sense of isolation that makes a person feelstrapped inhis own ego. “People saywegot itmade,” sangJohnLennon.“Don’ttheyknowwe’resoafraid?”Thatsongwascalled“Isolation.”

Coachingreplacesisolationwithconnection.Lennon’slyricswereoftenboldandbrutal.Especiallyafter

heleftMcCartneyanddidhisprimalscreamtherapyemergingwith thismusicalvow that Imyselfvowaswell, “No short-haired, yellow-bellied, son of tricky dick is gonna motherhubbardsoft-soapmewithjustapocketfulofhope.”Iwakeupinthemorningandtakethatvow.

Alasforthosethatneversing!That’swhatOliverWendellHolmessaid.“Alasforthosethatneversing,butdiewiththeirmusicstillinthem.”


Whenaguylikemedieswithhismusicstillinhim,it’sashocktothepathologistwhenheopensthebodyupandthemusicisreleased.Alltheattendantsintheautopsyroombackawayfromthebodytheyhavenowdubbed“PinkFloyd.”


What if you weren't afraid?

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death

that brings total obliteration.

~ Frank Herbert

SupercoachMichaelNeillwrotethisrecently:“Whatever

itisyou’retryingtoachieve,askyourselfwhat you would do if you weren’t afraid.Don’tworryaboutwhetherornotyouactuallyareoraren’tafraid—justnoticeyouranswers,andnoticewhichonesyouwanttoacton.”

“As I have written elsewhere, there is a tremendousdifference between feeling the fear and doing it anywayand the freedomwhich comes from finding that space inyourself which is beyond fear. And the more time youspend livingbeyond fear, thesooner theanswer to ‘Whatwould I do if Iwasn’t afraid?’will become ‘ExactlywhatI’mdoingnow.’”

Michael and I had twenty-twowonderful, courageouspeoplesignontotheFinanciallyFearlessMoneyMastermindforsixmonthsofabundance-muscle-buildingandwealth-creator lessons for those who wanted to earn the moneythey’vealwayswantedtoearnbutwereafraidto.


Life usually has three acts, (1) childhood, (2) adultvictimhood,and(3)transformation.

Mostpeoplenevertakethestageforactthree.Howdoesonebecomerich?Howdoesonenotbecomerich?

Let’sstartthere.Becausethereareahundredwaystobecomerich.Butonlyonewaynotto.Soifwetookthatone way not toaway,whatastartthatwouldbe.

Soifwetookthefear(onewaynotto)away,whatastartthatwouldbe.Andhowwouldwefinishafterthat?Theotherhundredwayswouldcometoyou.

Some people find it offensive to talk about money thisopenly. Especially when politicians have promised us thatmoneywillneverbeaproblemforus.Thatwewillallgetwhatweareentitledto.

But it’s not entitlement. An entitlement is what people on welfare get, and how free are they? It’s not an endlessly expanding list of rights—the ‘right’ to education, the ‘right’ to food and housing. That’s not freedom; that’s dependency. Those aren’t rights; those are the rations of slavery—hay and a barn for human cattle. There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.

~ P.J. O’Rourke

Then there’s the secret law of attraction.Anotherway tonot work...notuseyourhandsoryourresourcefulnessoryourcreativedesiretoserve.Soonyouaredemeanedintowanting things. It’s demeaning, isn’t it? It’s ultimately degrading tomakelistsofallthematerialthingsyouarewanting.

Nevernoticingthepoweryoualreadyhave.Youerroneouslythinkthosethingswillgiveyoupower.Money,

cars,homes,lovers.Youthinkthatcomesfirst,thenthepower.


Whenyouhadthepowerallalong.Youjustweren’tusingit.Iwouldhavegladlypaid$100,000tolearnwhatourmoney-

coachingprogramdelivered.Infact,Ididpaythat,afewtimesover,tolearnwhattheprogramdelivered.Ilearnedthehardway.Ilearnedthatofallthepowerfulthingsyoucandowithmoney,spendingitistheleastpowerful.

Peoplefearmoneyanddeathforthesamereasons—becauseofthesamedeepprimitivemisunderstanding.

Achildwillbelieveasuperstition ifenoughadultsverifyit and confirm it.A childwill even believe in SantaClaus ifenoughadultsconfirmthatheisreal.It’sthesameprocesswithanyacceptedbelief.Eachbeliefchangesthatchild’swholelife.Likemoneymakesyousecure.

Until it’s deleted. Until we are willing to start over.Andthat’swherecoachingcomesin.It isonesurewayofstartingover.


Go ask the dog

OnedayMichaelNeilljusttotallychangedmylife.Ihadaphobia—Ionlyhaditforaboutfiftyyears,butitwas

stillterrible.Itwasarounddogsandanimals.Michaelinvitedmeovertohishomeofficeandworkedwithmeallafternoondoing a powerfulmix of coaching,NLP, and hypnotherapy;andafterwardsitwasjustamazing.Thehealing(re-framing,re-programming)workthathedidactuallyworked.Hebroughthisdogsintotheroomwithus,andIcouldn’twaittopetthemandrubtheirbelliesandgettoknowthem.

WhowasI?I’vegotmyowndognow.Jimmy.Hehaschangedourlives

athome.He’sjustsuchanamazingadditiontomylife.Itneverwouldhavehappenedifithadn’tbeenformyfriend,theauthorofthegreatbookSupercoach, hismodestly-namedbookabouthowhecoachespeople.

Some people out there in the world are as popular asMichael—writing, selling books, and doing radio and TVshows—but do they change lives like he does? I doubt it.Everythinghewritesaboutandtalksaboutonhisradioshowheactuallydoesforpeople.

Doescoachingreallywork?AskJimmy.


Can you exchange your brain?

IwasreadinganarticleintheWall Street JournalbySharonBegleycalled“HowThinkingCanChangetheBrain”whichIfoundsoveryinterestinggiventhatcoachingisallaboutthat.

Begley talks about research done at the University ofTorontousingbrainimagingtomeasureactivityinthebrainsof depressed adults. Half of the volunteers received theantidepressantPaxil,andtheotherhalfreceivedtwentysessionsof cognitive-behavior therapy,“learningnot tocatastrophize.That is, theywere taught to break their habit of interpretingeverylittlesetbackasacalamity,aswhentheyconcludefromalousydatethatnoonewilleverlovethem.”

Thedepressionliftedinbothtestgroups.Linda Ronstadt (catch Linda singing this on YouTube),

theEverlyBrothers,VinceGillandsomanymorehavesungthesong:

I’ve been cheatedbeen mistreated

when will I be loved?

Itwouldn’thavebeenasgreatasonghaditgonethisway:

I’ve been cheated


Been mistreatedWhen will I learn not to catastrophize?

ButIloveallthisresearchbecauseithashelpedmerevealanotherthingthathappenswhenpeoplegetgoodcoaching…theylearnnottocatastrophize.

Catastrophizing can become contagious. People get onthephoneandcatastrophizewitheachother.Peoplebecomeaddictedtotheirowncatastrophesaswellasotherpeople’s.Itbecomesquitecompelling.

Thecoachwhoseesitandcallsyouonitcanseemheartlessatfirst,butstaywithit.Becauseoncethestoryofcatastrophedisappears,thestoryofopportunityreplacesit.


Procrastination is good!

Procrastination is the soul rebelling against entrapment.

~ Nassim Nicholas Taleb

When I didn’t have a coach and I procrastinated, Iwould simply tell myself that I had this terrible flaw calledprocrastination.Itwasoneofmymanybadhabits.

Butagreatcoachwon’tletyougetawaywiththat.Negative labeling that reduces self-esteem?Not allowed!

With most people this labeling is automatic. And it has norelationshiptothetruth.

Procrastinationisabeautifulformofrebellion.It’sarebellionagainst other people’s imaginary judgment. It’s a rebellionagainstlivingotherpeople’slivesforthemandreachingtheirgoalsinsteadofyours.Evenifit’sataskyouweregoingtodojustforyou,ifit’ssomethingyouthinkyou“should”doversuswhatyouaretrulychoosingtodo,youwillrebel.Itisyoursoul.

Theonlyproblemoccurswhenyounoticethatallaroundyouisunfinishedbusiness!Chaos.Brokenpromises.

So how to convert the rebellion against entrapment intosomethingbetterthanunfinishedbusiness?


Awareness.Thenpractice.My to-do list is something that looks like it’s tellingme

whattodo.Anditis,isn’tit?Isn’tmyto-dolisttryingtotellmewhattodo?

In a book called Time Warrior I have recommended theeliminationofto-dolistsandthereturntothejoyfulsingleact.Aswithallmypreviousbooks,thecontentcamefromcoachingsessionsthatchangedme.


Lost, stuck and miserable

My coaching clients often know what they “should be” doing. They know their business. They know themselves. They know a lot. Many are already quite well known and successful. And my first objective is to separate that… separate what they know… from what they live. Two different categories.

~ Dusan Djukich

ToddMusselmanisacoachandspeakerwhohascreated

hisownpowerfulversionsoftheOwner-VictimdistinctionsIfirstintroducedinReinventing Yourself.

Toddsays,“MyfirstvictimphaseisthatIwouldratherbelost,stuck,ormiserablethanaskforassistance.Iwouldratherbefired,ordivorcedordeadthanaskforassistance.”

But then he points out that when the victim reaches outand gets help, the power of owning his own spirit starts tomaterialize.

“Coachingisgreat,”hesays,“becauseitprovidesapowerfulspace for you to fully express yourself in a way that youfeel ‘gotten.’ It’s great because it provides a space in whichcreatingwhatyouwantinyourlifeistheonlyfocus.”


Everyoneelseyou talk tohashisorherown focus.Theyallwant something.Theymayeven loveyou,but theywantsomething.Theyhaveanagenda.

Your coach is the only person in your life who has noagenda.Everyoneelseyoutalktohasanagendaofsomesort.Yourcoachonlywantsyoutosucceed.

Andthat’sthekeytotheeffectivenessofcoaching.


Confidence to do what you love

RichLitvinisanexpertindeep,inner,naturalconfidence.Hehasworkedwithbest-sellingauthors,physicians,Fortune-500consultants, and coaches to help them achieve inspirationalresults,createpassionaterelationshipsandbuildwealthdoingwhattheylove.

He recently worked with an Olympic athlete who wasstruggling to fundherOlympicbidbysellingcalendars.ShehadonecoachingsessionwithRichandthenextdaycalledtosayshehadraised$40,000ofcorporatesponsorship.

But for much of Rich’s life, although people thought heseemedreallyconfident,itneverreallyfeltlikethatforhim.

Itlookedlikehewassuccessful,butinsidehefeltnervousandinsecureandsohefeltlikeafraud.Hewasterrifiedthatyouwouldfindthisout,sohelearnedallthetrickshecouldtoappearmoreandmoreconfident.

Butnoneofthosetricksworked.He ended up feeling less and less confident. So Rich has

spent the lastdecade learningasmuchashe canabouthowto build deep natural confidence. He has traveled theworldinterviewingtheworld’smostconfidentpeople.

Richalsocoaches.Mostofhisclientshavealreadyachievedagreatdealinlife,buttheyhaveonethingincommon—they


allfeelliketheyarefacinganimpossiblegoal.Andtheylacktheconfidencetoachieveit.

Ihaveco-facilitatedseminarswithRichandinterviewedhimononeofmywebinarsrecently.Iaskedhimaboutbeingnervousandwhetherhehadbutterfliesevenbeforethisinterview.

“That’sthefunnything,”hesaid.“EverytimeItalkaboutconfidenceonaradio interview, the ironydoesn’tescapemethatIgetnervousasI’mgettingreadyforthatconversation.”

I love it thathe callshimself out on that.A lot ofpeoplethinkthatcoacheswhoteachthingshavetobeamazingperfectexpertsinthatcategory.Andthetruthisthebestcoachesarepeoplewho really had towork hard—harder thanmost—toachievethingsandtolearnhowtodothings.It’salwaystrueinsports.You lookatall thebestmanagersandcoachesandyouneverrememberwheretheyplayedthegamebecausetheydidn’t distinguish themselves as players at all—they had tolearnthehardway—andthat’swhytheycanteachitsowell.

Soit’sgreatthatRichtalksabouthisnervousnessbecauseitallowshisclientsandeverybodylisteningtomywebinartolistenbetter.Becausewhenit’shardforyoutodo,Ireallywanttohearaboutit.ButwhenitcomesnaturallyforyouItuneout,andIthink,“Ok,great,luckyyou;Ican’tidentifywithyou.”

Richsays,“I’venoticed,themoreauthenticI’mwillingtobe—themorewillingIamtospeakupwhenIfeelnervousorinsecure—themoreIrelaxontheinsideandthosefearsseemtodisappearanyway.”

Rich works with some clients who want confidence forthemselvesandalsowanttheirpartnerstobeconfident.It’sacommonmisfireIalsoseeinmyownclients:thedesiretohavemyfamilymemberschange.Or,evenmorecommon,thedesiretohavemyspouseorpartnerchangeforthebetter.

It’sa totaldistraction towantotherpeople tochange. It’smisdirectedenergy,anditonlyleadstomisery.AgoodcoachlikeRichwon’tgotherewithyou.

“When you desire something from someone else in a


relationship(especiallyinanintimaterelationship),thatbeginstobethedownfalloftherelationship,”hesays.“Whateveryouwantmoreofyouneedtolookathowyou canincreasethatinyourlife.”

Soamanisprojectinghisowninsecuritiesonhiswife,andsoonhe’slongingfortheromanceoftheearlydatingdaystoreturn.Richsaid,“Thereisnothingmoreexcitingforawomaninarelationshipwithaman,thantohaveamanwhoisintouchwithhispurposeinlife.Amanwhoknowswhathewantsinlife—amanwhoisclearaboutwhatheisdoingisamanwhofeels confident, grounded, and solid… and there is nothingmoreattractive.Soforthemanwhowantstoinspirehiswife(insteadoffixingher),hecanjustgotothatplaceofpurpose.Justtapintothat.”

Does he mean that women don’t love needy, confusedvictims who come home fromwork and blame everyone atworkforhowbadtheyfeel?That’snotanaphrodisiac?Wow.Whoknew?

Actuallyhe’ssoright.I’veneverhadanyofthewomeninmyseminarscomeuptomeandsay,“YouknowwhatIloveaboutmyhusband?Thecomplaininghedoesaboutpeopleatworkwhenhegetshome.Thatjustlightsmeup.Iamsoconnectedtohimwhenhedoesthat.Itturnsmeon.Ilightcandles,IputonsoftmusicandIjustcan’twaitforhimtocomehomeandcomplainaboutlife.”

I’veneverheardanyonesaythat.It’salwaystheopposite.Peopleareattractedtopeoplewhoowntheirlives.Peoplearenotattractedtovictims.

And I enjoy Rich Litvin’swillingness to share his ownstoriesaboutwhenhelackedconfidence,orwhenhefailedatthings.

IstartedmycareerinpublicspeakingtryingtobesomebodyIwasnot.IwasgoingtotrytohideallmyfailuresandpretendIwasTonyRobbins,orpretendIwasbornwithaBoyScoutuniformonandIjustcatapultedoutofthewombfullofenergy


andIwaslikeTonydoingkaratekicksandhavingpassion…anditjustwasn’tme.

MyowncoachSteveHardisontookmeasideandsaid,“Why don’t you just be you? Why don’t you share thestories of your life and where you’ve come from and allyou’vebeenthrough?”

AndIsaid,“Well,Idon’twanttheaudiencebeingdepressedorsuicidalattheendofmytalk.”

And he said, “No, thatwon’t happen. Theywill identifywithyou.You’ll feel the connection right away. Just be real.Justbeyou.Forgetabouttryingtobesomebodysuccessful.Noonewillbuythat.”

Howtrue.But soon it was amazing because I just dropped all that

badactabouthowgreatandsuccessfulIwasandI just told the truthaboutmykidsandmeandmylifeandalcoholaddiction,bankruptcy—Imeanthewholething.JerrySpringer’sshow!Italmostturnedouttobethat,butitwaspowerfulandsurprisingtomebecausepeoplewereabletoidentifywithmystories,andsoon I started puttingmore of that inmy books and peoplestartedbuyingthebooksatagreaterrate.Peoplestartedaskingmetocomespeak.

Thecoachwillgetyou to the truth.Andthe truthwillsetyoufree.


A world cruelly disrupted

Come senators, congressmen Please heed the call

Don’t stand in the doorway Don’t block up the hall

~ Bob Dylan

My friendWill Keiper coaches international corporationsand the people who run them. He has special insights thatallowhimtoimmediatelytransformbusinessesindistressintobusinessesthatcanbevitalandsuccessfulagain.

HeworkswithboardsandCEOstogivethemharshnewlifeafteryearsofpassivityandneglect.Whenhestepsbackfromhiswork,hesees thata lotofourproblemsaregenerational.WillpointsoutthathisBoomergenerationhas“...lookedaheadtoretirementandgrandchildren,andeasingintoourseventiesandeighties;buton theotherhand,aspointedoutbyTomFriedman,wealsohavebeen…thegrasshoppergeneration,eatingthroughjustabouteverythinglikehungrylocusts…”

“We have been voracious consumers of credit to buyhomes,secondhomes,swimmingpools,cars,planes,vacations,electronicsandwhateverourkidswantedordemanded.Justasweareapproachingthegoodlifeofretirement,ourmore-or-less


stableworld has been irrevocably and cruelly disrupted.AnaginggenerationhasmetafinancialcrisisthatcompareswithorexceedsthatoftheGreatDepressionofourparents’generation.Ourfellowboomersandtheirchildrenandgrandchildrenhavebeen loadedwith a staggering amount of national debt. Thedebt isso largethat it threatenstheveryfinancialstabilityofour country, and has already diminished the US role in thehierarchyofworldpower.Asacollectivegeneration,ourfutureabsolutelywillnotunfoldaswehadhoped.”

ThisfactterrifiesmostpeopleinWillKeiper’sgeneration,butnotWill.Hisspecialtyisconfrontingdistressandconvertingitintocreative,vibranthealth.

Heenjoyswakingpeopleup.Herecommendsthatolderpeopletakeanotherlookattheir

lives;andinsteadofaskingwhentheycanretire,ask,instead,“How can I get busy and contribute?”“Ongoing productivecontributionsmust now replace golf and bridge,” saysWill.“We cannot live in the segregated retirement community‘reservations’whereolderpeoplehaveinthepastgonetobidetheir time andwait forwhat’s next.Wemust rapidly accessandgearup thepersonalpowerandenergy that isnormallydownshiftedaboutnow.Thisisthenewnormal.”

I’vebeenurgingWilltowriteabookaboutthisforalongtime.Totakehispowerfulcoachingandconsultingthatturnscompaniesaroundsoquickly,andapplyittoourwholenation.Turnusaroundtoo!Withmoreofyourwisdom:“Althoughwehavebeen severely impactedbyeventsbeyondour control,wecanchoosetomakethedaysaheadthemostvibrantandpowerfulperiodofour lives.Wecan turn legitimate fearofthisnewunknown intoanunprecedented recommitment toAmericaninnovation,entrepreneurship,andjobcreation.Wecanleveragetheexperience,education,andwisdomwehaveatourdisposalasaconsequenceof living longerandbetterthan anyprior generation.Apragmaticwartime remark by


Winston Churchill sums up what now must become ourgenerationalmantra:‘It isnousesaying,“Wearedoingourbest.”Youhavegot to succeed indoingwhat isnecessary.’Thegoodnewsisthatthereisareadyanswerfor‘NowwhatdoIdo?’Itisalreadyinyou.”

AfewmorecoacheslikeWillKeiperintheworld,andwewillbefine.


A coach should have a coach?

My friend and coaching school colleague, Ron Wilder,is an amazing coach and an amazing person. A high-levelmartialartistandclassicalpianist,Ronliveslifetothefullest.HiscoachingspecialtyisworkingwithCEOstore-aligntheirbusinessessothattheyrunatthehighestproductivitypossible.

Ronalsocoachesbusinessconsultantsandothercoaches.“Every coach should have a coach,” he says. “Having a

coachmakesyouabettercoachbecauseyouareexperiencingthe very process of growth and development that you areaskingyourclientstoengagein.”

Wildernotesthatbeingcoachedtakeshugecourage,whichis oneof the reasonswhy it is so effective at changing lives.Whereelseinlifedoweregularlyscheduleactsofcourage?

“No wonder I’m so tired after my coaching sessions,”Wilder said. “When I ambeing coached, I reallywork.Nowasthecoach,I’mgoingtoaskmyclientstodothesamething.Inorderforthemtoadvancetowardstheirsuccess, theywillvoluntarilysubmittothecoachingprocess.Iftheydoitfully,goingall-in,theygetthebiggestbenefit.Yetthisisrisky.AnditisexactlywhatIwantmyclientstodo.Taketheriskandgrow.”


Why not just do things?

Because most people never define the necessary required actions to get a result, they will always simply do whatever actions are comfortable at the time. They are always going with the feeling of activity instead of insisting on doing the necessary required action.

~ Dusan Djukich

Peoplehavedreamsbuttheydon’tlivethosedreams.Theytalkabouttheirdreamssometimesafteraglassofwineortwo,butwhenwillthedreamcometrue?

Thefirst thingagood coachwilldo isfind thedream—evenifit’slodgedinsideacomplaintaboutlife.Thenthenextthing the coachwill do is help transform the dream into adoableproject.VladimirNabokovsaysthisinSpeak Memory:

It is certainly not then—not in dreams—but when one is wide awake, at moments of robust joy and achievement, on the highest terrace of consciousness, that mortality has a chance to peer beyond its own limits.


Pyschotherapyisallaboutfeelings.Butcoachingisallaboutachievement…robustjoyandachievement.Yourcoachdoesn’tjustwantyoutofeelbetteraboutyourself.Yourcoachwantsyoutofeelwhatitfeelsliketoachievesomethingremarkable.

The Coaches

SteveHardison,www.theultimatecoach.netByronKatie,www.thework.comMichaelNeill,www.supercoach.comRichLitvin,www.thatconfidenceguy.comRonWilder,www.alignedaction.comTomRompel,www.growthstrategiesllc.comStephenMcGhee,www.thegetrealblog.comBrandonCraig,www.tlc5.comPelegTop,www.pelegtop.comWillKeiper,www.firstglobalpartners.comAlisonArnold,www.docaliarnold.comMattFurey,www.mattfurey.comDusanDjukich,www.straightlinecoach.com

PLEASE GO TO:THE LIFE COACHING CONNECTION

www.tlc5.com

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

SteveChandleristheauthorofdozensofbooksandaudioprograms, including the bestsellers: Fearless, Reinventing Yourself, Shift Your Mind, Time Warrior, and 100 Ways to Motivate Yourself.

HeistheleaderoftheSteve Chandler Coaching Prosperity School (www.stevechandler.com) andwrites a popular blogcallediMindShift(www.imindshift.com).

ChandlerisalsooneofthefeaturedcoachesatTLC5.com:TheLifeCoachingConnection(www.tlc5.com).

Also by Steve Chandler

Time WarriorFearless

The Woman Who Attracted MoneyShift Your Mind: Shift the WorldA Crime of Genius (coming soon)

9 Lies That Are Holding Your Business Back (with Sam Beckford)

The Small Business Millionaire (with Sam Beckford)Business Coaching (with Sam Beckford)

100 Ways to Create Wealth (with Sam Beckford)100 Ways to Motivate Yourself

Ten Commitments to Your SuccessReinventing Yourself

RelationShift: Revolutionary Fundraising (with Mike Bassoff)

The Joy of SellingThe Story of You

100 Ways to Motivate Others (with Scott Richardson)The Hands-Off Manager (with Duane Black)

50 Ways to Create Great RelationshipsTwo Guys Read Moby-Dick (with Terrence Hill)

Two Guys Read the Obituaries (with Terrence Hill)Two Guys Read Jane Austen (with Terrence Hill)

Two Guys Read the Box Scores (with Terrence Hill)Two Guys on the Road (coming soon)

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