Verum , Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum

Issue 63

“That was ME in the Gorilla

suit” – Julian Brassiere

Local Tory MP claims HE climbed tree at Network Rail protest.

Canterbury and Whitstable Tory MP Julian Brassiere allegedly shocked his constituents this

week by claiming that it was he who had dressed as a gorilla at a recent tree protest.

Brassiere, 72, made the claim after coming under fire for not supporting the TreeSavers

campaign which successfully thwarted Network Rail’s attempts to cut down trees within the

bird breeding season last week.

Over 250 local residents joined a peaceful protest last

week, including a man in a gorilla suit known only as Mr

G. O’Rilla who climbed a tree to pose for symbolic

photos. But now, Brassiere is claiming it was HIM in the

suit. “Yes, that was me! I wanted to support the

campaign but could not afford to be seen supporting a

protest aimed at saving birds when I’m pro-fox hunting”,

the popular MP told The Wind Farm, “I have decided to

‘come out’ as it were, after realising what a terrible MP

I’d been by not appearing to support the campaign. And

by ‘come out’ I don’t mean as a gay man. I opposed

equal rights for all that malarky ages ago”.

Brassiere’s revelation has shocked the protesters, who were forced to admit that they didn’t

actually know who was in the gorilla outfit. “Oh my”, said Julie Wassmer who spearheaded

the campaign, “I really believed our MP had deserted us, especially when he said in a recent

article, ‘In fairness to Network Rail, they have engaged with those affected.’ I thought he’d

lost the plot, because no-one from Network Rail came down to ask what the birds thought

about losing their habitat. Now you’re telling me he was standing beside me at the protest?

I even posed for a photo with him! I feel unclean now”.

Doug Birch, of Cromwell Road added, “It makes sense now. Only someone who was trained

by the SAS could climb a tree as quickly as that. He was even eating a banana with his feet at

lunchtime”

Another protester, Bob Morris, said “I posed for a picture as well. I assumed it was a local

resident, not an MP who supported the invasion of Iraq, wanted the re-criminalisation of

cannabis possesion and introduced a bill to increase censorship. If I’d have known it was

him, I’d have headbutted the little twat”.

SAS veteran and founder of the Territorial Army, Brassiere, was unavailable for further

comment this week, but his office confirmed that he does own a gorilla suit which he

bought from Herne Bay boot fair. “He got it knocked down from £12 to a tenner”, said his

secretary, Joeline Charles.

Network Rail wanted to use Napalm

on trees Local arms dealer’s shock claim!

A local arms dealer has claimed that Network Rail tried to buy Napalm from him to use on

the trees along the railway embankment. The dealer, known only as Mr Ecks, claims that

NWR were planning a ‘lightning raid’ at night when all the protesters were asleep, after

their initial plans to cut down the trees were opposed.

Speaking from an underground car park, and hiding behind a concrete pillar, Mr Ecks said,

“All I can say is, a very tall man calling himself Mr B. Urrows asked how much a few hundred

gallons of Napalm was these days. I quoted him a price and he said he’d buy some straight

away”.

But a conscientious Mr Ecks suspected foul play and provided Mr Urrows with a harmless

concoction of water, orange fanta and trill, the popular bird food for budgerigars. “I sprayed

petrol over the cannisters so they smelt like Napalm and he seemed convinced enough to

hand over the cash when he collected them”, Ecks said.

Mr Ecks claims that Urrows was planning on paying the crew of a Lancaster bomber to

divert from Folkestone Air Show to drop the ‘napalm’ on the trees last weekend, but it

remained unclear whether he was successful in his plot. Local residents in Whitstable have,

however, reported an ‘increase’ in activity from the nesting birds which one local described

as ‘Being akin to a hyperactive child who’s had too many E numbers in their diet”.

10 Things You Never Knew About Network Rail and

John B. Urrows.

1. Despite their apparent ambivalence towards birds, Network

Rail staff are trained in ‘Bird Talk’. Mr. Urrows is said to be an

expert at communicating with seagulls and has perfected the

‘Gag-gag-gag-gag-gag’ and ‘Bob-bob-bob-bob-bob’ noise that

gulls often make

2. Network Rail’s record for relieving a community of its trees is

20 minutes. In 2006, NWR wrote to residents of Plentyoaks in

Suffolk saying that they were planning on removing trees from

an embankment in eight days time. Knowing that a postal strike

was imminent, and that the residents would not get the letters

until after the work was due to be carried out, NWR moved in

anyway and removed over 1000 different trees and bushes

before anyone had even got out of bed. Residents were

‘compensated’ with free tickets to see Robbie Williams at

Knebworth.

3. A huge fan of Big Brother, John Urrows ordered the removal of

several ancient redwood trees from a nearby railway

embankment when he discovered he couldn’t get Channel 5 on

his TV.

4. It is claimed that Network Rail invented Dutch Elm disease.

5. The old saying “He could charm the birds out of the trees” is

not that old at all. Urrows is said to have lured birds out of their

trees with a mixture of Perry Como songs (Birds are known to

be huge fans of Como) and Shakespeare sonnets.

Once the birds were out of the trees and had gathered on the

miniature amphitheatre he’d built with twigs, contractors

would then move in and remove the trees with chainsaws. A

senior member of Network Rail is said to have coined the

phrase after watching Urrows in action.

6. Urrow’s favourite song is ‘The Trees’ by Canadian rock band

Rush. Which is ironic.

7. An anagram of Network Rail is ‘In Work Later’, which is also the

company’s slogan.

8. The Channel 4 News cameraman that Urrows pushed away on

the day of the protest has offered him out for a scrap. Urrows

was invited to meet him in the car park of The Hard Bustard

Inn, Herne Bay, to ‘Sort it out like a couple of geezers’ but

Urrows never showed up.

9. Network Rail former CEO John Armpitt was knighted in 2012 for

services to engineering and construction. He immediately

ordered all senior staff to bow whenever he appeared, and

anyone on less than £250,000 a year had to grovel and cry ‘We

are not worthy’. A huge fan of Max Miller, he demanded that

he was included in the recent jubilee concert at Buckingham

Palace where he wanted to sing ‘I Never Slept A Wink All Night’,

wearing a fur coat that he’d bought from Oxfam for £10.00. His

request was declined.

10. Urrow’s grandad, Nob E Urrows, was a member of the

gang that pulled off the great train robbery in 1963.

From The Wind Farm Issue 63 – The Network Rail Special

Cat whisperer to teach French pets how to

surrender.

“Hit-ler save the owner’s a lot of time”, claims Thanet man

A vet from Birchington claims he can teach any domestic pet to surrender to an enemy, should the

need arise – and is now offering his services to the French.

“It’s true”, said Douglas Smythe, a vet with 35 years experience, “It occurred to me that when

Germany invaded France in 1939, many people weren’t at home, leaving their pet’s to the mercy of

the Nazis. Maybe if we could teach cats and dogs a basic ‘Hands Up’ posture, like the cat in the

picture, they could surrender on behalf of their owners,

who probably would anyway”.

Smythe’s idea has been met with criticism on both sides

of the Channel, and he was immediately banned from

visiting France ever again.

French interior minister Jacques Benoit vowed, “We’ll

shoot him if he ever comes here. Well, those of us that

haven’t already surrendered will”.

Back in Birchington, a disappointed Smythe said, “How ungrateful. I was only trying to help.

Doubtless they’ll not be interested in my idea about using Dolphins to sink Greenpeace ships, then.

The Cafe Rest, Shepherd's Bush, London Ah, the Cafe Rest. Now, I'm a bit biased here. My ol' man was from Shepherd's Bush and he used to take me round the back here to raid the bins when he took me to Loftus Road to watch the mighty QPR.

To say that time has stood still at the Cafe Rest would be an understatement. Nothing has changed, and they still have the same decor and net curtains up that were there when I was a lad. But when something is as good as this, why fix it? A warm welcome awaits the diner (Even on home days when the Spurs supporters turn up), and the food is as traditional as it gets. You can have the usual fry ups here, and thankfully Pie and Mash is not on the menu. I always found Pie and Mash to be over rated. You'd think that I'd love a fishy dish, being a Seagull. But I don't. I fucking hate it, in fact. Almost as much as the Chelsea fans that come in here occasionally.

Anyway, on this momentous occasion (QPR had just beat Chelsea 1-0), I settled for the simple and uncomplicated plate of Ham, Egg and Chips. Cafe Rest have been doing this winning dish since as far back as I can remember, and rumour has it that Pete Townsend ate it on the same

morning that he wrote Tommy. Legend says that he was so stoned, that he thought it was Spam and not Ham (You'll eat anything when you have the munchies, right?). He was so impressed that spam could taste that good that he decided to write a rock-opera called 'Spammy'. Well, he sobered up and ended up writing 'Tommy', and the rest is history.

But I digress. If you're ever in Shepherd's Bush, you MUST visit Cafe Rest and have their Ham, Egg and Chips. The ham is thick and succulent, with just a hint of honey to it and with none of the annoying fat that the cheaper cafes don't remove. The eggs are perfectly golden, with just the tiniest amount of crispiness around the edge, which I always enjoy. And the chips are perfect. Large, chunky, crispy chips with a fluffy centre. Hand crafted, and not bought in bulk and I suspect they were cooked in lard, and not oil, such was their exquisite taste. All washed down with a perfectly brewed builders tea. Generous portions, and all for well under a

Tenner. The decor may be the same as it was decades ago, but Cafe Rest's owners have moved with the times - you can now get free Wi-Fi there.

Cafe Rest is a firm favourite amongst the local residents, and is hard to fault. If I HAD to have a minor gripe, I'd say that I'm disappointed that they still let horrible twats like Chelsea and Tottenham fans in. Cest la vie.....9/10.

Sweary Seagull’s Food Blog... Step aside, Michael Fucking Winner.....There’s a new kid in town.

Blumenthal To Open Restaurant in Whitstable

Hot on the heels of the runaway success of his Fat Duck Restaurant For Gullible Bastards With More

Money Than Sense in the village of Bray, named in honour the donkeys that go into his burgers,

Festrin Poonamtrolol, some-time chef and dome-headed boffin, has announced his intention to

open another restaurant in Whitstable. He told The Wind Farm it was probably far enough away that

people wouldn’t associate it with tiny plates of seared mercury drizzled with brachiosaurus sputum

and sprinkled with plutonium strands at five million pounds a serving. He hopes the new name – The

Fat Twat – will attract a different sort of customer and has engaged the services of wandering

vagrant Bernard “N’yith” Steamcobbler and his partner Betty “Bronto-Buttocks” Switch who will

entertain the clientele with the Dance Of The Dirty Hanky and other slime.

Rival cuisinier and former England Soccerball Mismanager, Sir Gordon Ramsey said he wished the

**** all the best in his new ******* enterprise and hoped that **** Sweary shat all up the side of

his ******* chef’s hat and pissed on his two hundred and fifty quid each elephant penis chips. The

****.

There has been mixed reaction from local residents. Doris Pederast (57) said he didn’t give a toss

because he was still recovering from having a solar flare up his arse a few months back and Roger

Uphill, celebrity gardener and fish whisperer, admitted it would be good for the area and may even

be willing to supply produce to the balding, four-eyed head case if he didn’t talk like a knob and

bring all his poncey friends from off of the telly like Terry Wogan and that other pillock who he

couldn’t remember what he was called but you know who he means and anyway I never watch the

telly anyway coz it’s shite with him.

A sample menu will be available as soon as it comes back from Porton Down.

Report by northern correspondent Andy Sanson

Ukulele Hunt....

By Andy Sanson