The Wind Farm
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Transcript of The Wind Farm
![Page 1: The Wind Farm](https://reader034.fdocuments.us/reader034/viewer/2022042718/568bd86b1a28ab2034a34553/html5/thumbnails/1.jpg)
Googies praised for alerting
Inland Revenue about Starbucks
A popular coffee shop in Folkestone was praised this week for
blowing the whistle on tax dodgers Starbucks.
Googies art cafe / bar in Rendezvous
Street first alerted the government to
Starbucks’ tax dodging shenaningans after
placing a sign outside their cafe saying
‘We pay our taxes and STILL make better
than Starbucks’.
It was by pure chance that MP Margaret
Hodge saw this and immediately contacted Starbucks chairman
and demand he explain himself to a public accounts committee.
“I had no idea that this sort of thing was going on”, said Hodge,
“I just happened to be on my way to the hairdressers when I
saw the sign. I asked Keith what this was all about and he said
that Starbucks don’t pay tax. The fucking cheek of it”.
Keith Holland, who co-owns the popular hang out with partner
of 30 years Steve Rees said, “What’s right is right, right? If they
spent more time making coffee rather than dodging taxes,
they’d learn how to make a decent coffee instead of that God
awful shit they make. Not that I’ve ever been there”.
Hodge said, “We need more people like Keith and Steve to be
vigilant about these tax dodging corporations. Heaven knows,
it’ll be Amazon and Google before we know it! LOL!”
Starbucks’ chief financial officer Troy Alstead said, “We would
have got away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling kids”.
A couple of ramblers have
spoken of their horror at
being attacked by the rogue
sofa that has been terrorising
people around Seasalter.
Alec and Karen Marsh were
enjoying a Sunday afternoon
stroll along the saxon shore
way when they claim that the
sofa leapt on Alec and tried to
‘Bum him off’.
“He pinned my husband to
the ground and said, ‘You sure
have got a pretty mouth,
boy’...and tried to take his
pants down”.
However, the sofa was seen
off by a man passing in his
canoe with a bow and arrow.
A grateful Karen Marsh said,
“If it wasn’t for this man, my
husband could have been
seriously injured”.
Sgt Harold Par Boil said, “We
are doing all we can to find
this sofa, but so-far we
haven’t had any leads. Ha!
See what I did there!?”.
The Wind
Farm The Truth, The Half Truth and Anything But The Truth....
Issue 84 includes....
Ask Sweary ...
That Pissed Bloke From
The Marine Hotel...
Speaking Words Of
Wisdom...From inside the
Whitstable Helmet...
The BIG story! – with
Sandy Pandy...
Rogue sofa
attacks again
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Whitstable
florist voices
concerns for
Ocean Finance
actor’s future.
A florist from Whitstable
has launched a charity
aimed at raising money for
acting lessons for anyone
who appears in finance
ads.
Jane Helena Farquar, of Albert
Street Flowers, launched the
campaign after watching the
advert where the bloke has a
lightbulb on his head.
“I feel terribly sorry for these
actors”, she said, “I feel sure
that, with the proper training,
they could pull off
Shakespeare at the Globe”.
Farquar plans on starting
flower arranging classes and
has pledged that 60% of her
fee will go towards JAFFA
(Jane’s action fund for finance
actors).
Neil Flack, who plays that
bloke with the large light bulb
on his head said, “This is
terrific news for struggling
finance adverts everywhere.
That light bulb is heavier and
hotter than it looks. I had hair
before those adverts”.
Michelin Star Awards ‘Rigged’ - says local
Chef.
A local pub chef has accused the Michelin awards of being
‘corrupt’ after losing out again.
Robert Merch, head chef of The Fictional Arms in Albert Street
accused the panel of ‘taking back handers from the restaurants
that make good money’ in order to achieve the prestigious
award.
“Everyone knows that the mark of a good restaurant is how
quickly the head chef can slice and onion”, he said, “I can slice
a big Spanish onion – without even looking at it – in under 5
seconds”.
The ability to humiliate waitresses, get commis chefs to clean
the fat trap and buy dodgy looking mushrooms for foragers
were also skills that he claimed were ‘ignored’ by the Michelin
panel.
“Being a good chef is not all about cooking good food”, said
Robert, also known as ‘Four Finger Bobby’, ‘They need to
widen their scope a bit. I cooked fish for the Queen Mother in
1982, and I’ll wager that some of these so called Michelin
chefs hadn’t even started catering college back then”.
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The BIG story
with Folkestone correspondent Sandy Pandy
It came to light this week that a Kent based recycling group was being used to
rehome unwanted family members.
The site, 'Folkestone Free Stuff', was set up so that local people could recycle
unwanted household goods and clothing, but this week members took a vote to
allow family members to be included amongst the listings for bric-a-brac and old
sofa's.
The move came about after lengthy debate on the site about the morality and
practical details about rehoming. Members voted overwhelmingly in favour of
allowing the adverts to be placed on the site, an indication of the tough times facing
households in the current financial climate.
Amongst the listings now on the site was an
advert for 'Beryl, 86'. The advertiser, Mrs Ingrid
Bred of Pond Lane, Cheriton said “Unfortunately
we have had to take this sad decision to re-
home my Mother-in-law. It breaks my heart, but
my husband has recently been made redundant
and we have had to look very hard at the family
finances and have come to the conclusion that
we can no longer afford to keep Beryl. She
comes with her own dentures and commode,
and we are sure she will make a happy addition
to a family who currently don't have their own
Grandma”.
Tommy (Left) – “House Trained”
Also being offered is 'Tommy, 13 year old male'. The listing reads 'Tommy is house
trained and comes with his own X-Box and Nike trainers'. When contacted by our
news team, his mother, Miss Barbie Made of Briggton Avenue, Folkestone said that
she was a single mother and had been forced to make this decision because of rising
food and utility prices.
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“I'm a single mother with 4 mouths to feed, and after much soul-searching I have
made the decision to let Tommy go. As the eldest, Tommy consumes the most and
has been the most expensive to keep”.
She added “I'll keep the little ones for now, but who knows how circumstances may
change with this double dip recession. I'm going to make sure that any prospective
family for Tommy can provide him with a nice place to sleep and a garden to run
about in. I'm hoping that the x-box will provide an incentive for new owners to take
him on.”
Mrs P. Station of Lydd has listed 'Max, 17 months loving, happy male' on the site.
When contacted she said “Our rental contract said we weren't supposed to have
children, but we thought we'd give it a try and hoped to get away with it.
Unfortunately our downstairs neighbour reported us to the landlord after
complaining about Max's whimpering and whining when we left him in the flat all
day whilst we went out to work”.
When contacted for comment, Miss Fay Sless-Beaurocrat, of Shepway Social
Services said “We'd urge people to use common sense and do thorough checks on
prospective families for their unwanted loved ones. Times are hard and tough
decisions are having to be made, but as long as nice new homes are found for these
people it's OK Isn't it? It's better than being put down.”
Sweary’s Food Blog – Step aside Jay Rayner, there’s a new kid in town.
Every morning without fail, I pay my friend Dave Brown a visit at his Deli in Harbour Street. It’s one of those
little gems that so many eateries aspire to be, but fail. It’s a tiny place, with one chair – yes ONE chair – which
is usually occupied by some bloke who comes all the way from Herne Bay just to drink their coffee. That tells
you a lot doesn’t it? I cannot see customers of Costa making the same fackin’ pilgrimage, can you?
Dave has a sandwich board outside proclaiming that his is ‘The Best Coffee In Town’ – and few can argue. But
let’s not stop at mere coffee – the food here is fackin’ superb! A seasoned chef, Dave Brown, alongside his
sister Ali and the gorgeous Vivian (Lovely bum) serve amazing food to a loyal army of regulars who enjoy
eating it on the ‘terrace’ outside.
I cannot recommend Dave’s Tortilla highly enough, nor his carrot cake topped with orange icing which
Harriet, my beloved, described as a ‘mouthgasm’. And don’t get me started on his custard tart. Want a full
English? No problem, Dave will knock you one up from ingredients that YOU request. How many other cafes
in town do that? Here, you can buy all manner of cheese, meats, hams, biscuits, pickles, drinks and all the
ingredients that he uses in his own dishes, should you wish to emulate them. But don’t. I tried it, complete
waste of fackin’ time that was. The man’s a genius.
With yet another trendy coffee shop, Harris and Hoole, threatening to open in town, let’s embrace the
established family outlets with renewed vigour. Elliott’s, Windy Corner Stores,Tea and Times and The Beach
Cafe are all lovely family establishments, but if you want that little bit extra, the sort that The Guardian
creams over, you can do far worse than Dave’s Deli. Fackin’ magnificent 10/10
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Bucket found in Cupboard may’ve belonged to Leslie Crowther.
A bucket found by a local man may have once
belonged to Lesley Crowther, he claims.
Harry Lawson, of Walmer Road, found the
bucket whilst looking for something else,
possibly another bucket, and noticed
the initials ‘L.C.’ written on the side in
marker pen.
“I was shocked at first”, the ex
window cleaner told The Wind Farm,
“To think that a bucket which once
belonged to the father-in-law of Phil
Lynot was discovered in our house
just beggars belief”.
The bucket has been taken away for analysis
by bucket historian Dennis Denis, who said,
“It’s too early to say at this stage, but we do
know that Leslie Crowther (above) lost a
bucket in 1968, according to his
autobiography. He never recovered from the
loss, and it is believed that this lead to his
alcoholism”.
The bucket’s value is said to be
anywhere between ten to twenty
thousand pounds, but the value
rocketed when it was claimed that
Lynot threw up into it after he tried
heroin for the first time.
“I just hope they find out soon”, said
Lawson, “I will probably sell it at
Sotheby’s. It’s a very exciting find”
Lawson’s enthusiasm was echoed by Denis,
who said, “Be under no illusion. This is no
ordinary bucket”.
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Advert...
That Pissed Bloke From The Marine Hotel.....
Tell you what, you get to meet all sorts in Hotels. I haven’t been
home for weeks – they’ve got rooms with beds here and in the
morning, they make you breakfast!
Well, guess who I had breakfast with yesterday, huh? Only the
fackin’ CEO of Harris and Hoole Coffee shop. Now, no-one wants
it to open in town, right? Tescos own ‘em innit? But get this –
guess what trick’s they using to get people to drink there?
Huh.....? Cub scouts! Yeah, I couldn’t believe it
either....exploiting kids. You know what they do? He reckons
Tescos are going to sponsor the cub scouts to do Bob a Job
week again to get kids into peoples houses, and once they’re in
– get this – they hypnotise you. Yeah! They reckon that the cub
scouts have spent money hiring Derren Brown to teach cub
scouts how to hypnotise you in seconds. Easy they reckon. They
turn up and say “Bob a Job, missus?”. BUT – and this is the
clever part – they say ‘Drink at Harris and Hoole’, very quickly in
the middle. You only hear “Bob a Job, missus”. Old trick. Use it
in Weatherspoons to flog their food. Ever wondered why so
many people eat that shit? Even I wouldn’t eat their food. You
ask for a pint, they serve you and when they give you the
change, they say “Thank – eat our steak and chips for £4.99 –
you sir”. Before you know it, you’re having lunch there. No-one
knows about this, the CEO only told me because he was pissed,
but trust me. If a cub scout turns up on your doorstep, slam the
fucking door shut before they have a chance to say anything.
And don’t look ‘em in the eye neither. The Albert re-opens next
week. May start going back down there if they let me in.
Ask Sweary....
Dear Sweary – Would you like
to help sponsor a school
project where we make one of
them big tubes that go into the
ground and bring up water?
C.Bolton, aged 8 (Joy Lane
primary school)
Sweary – Aaah bless. Of course
I will. It’s going to be hard work,
but I think you mean well...
Dear Sweary – Someone
accused you recently of
‘exploiting’ readers of The
Wind Farm by charging £9.99
for a copy of the annual. What
do you say to them? E. John,
Whitstable
Sweary Says – Bollocks is what I
say. They’re happy to read it for
fuck all every week of the
fucking year, but get them to
put their hands in their pockets
twice a year for a book and
they shit themselves.
Dear Sweary – QPR really are
sorry sack of shit this season,
aren’t they? M. Hughes –
London
Sweary Says – Oh DO fack off,
Hughesy...
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The Wind Farm Christmas Annual 2012
Available from:
Harbour Street books
Tea and Times
Dave’s Deli
And
Googies Cafe Bar, Folkestone
Buy on Line at
www.thewindfarmsuperstore.bigcartel.com