Welcome back to the Vetinari Dualegacy! This is Chapter 27: Cry “Havoc” and Let Slip the Dogs of War!

Better known as The Last Chapter.

For real. Last time, the Gen 9 heirs, Jojo and Jack, found wives and finished college. All they need to do is have a baby each, and the challenge is over!

Assuming, you know, they survive that long...

Jojo, of course, gets his pink shirt back.

He's still the same old Jojo. Sloppy, super nice, Pleasure, kind of nonlinear.

“We need for everyone to get along!”

“Rawk! Make the world safe!”

“I know, right?”

He's also sort of obsessed with the kittens at this point.

“They're cute and they're fluffy and they like to play with my hair!”

“Phee-Phee! You made it!”

“We're going with Phee-Phee, are we?”

“Jojo and Phee-Phee! Doesn't that sound great?”

“It sort of sounds like we might be poodles.”

“Poodles were originally bred as water retrievers!”

“I did not know that.”

“You wanna get married now?”

“...Sure, why not?”

“Hmph. Well, at least someone around here is getting married.”

Lawrin is a little bitter that my impending neighborhood meltdown means that this time, none of my spare-types are getting married or Permaplat. Lawrin is a Family Sim, and this isn't sitting well with her.

“Yes! Spock beats lizard!”

“Wait, I thought lizard beat Spock.”

“Whatever. Where's your brother Jack? I figured he'd be all about coming to a party!”

“He's a little... paranoid... right now. Dad said he hasn't left the house since he got back home. And also he won't let anyone else leave either.”

“Damn. I never figured him for being totally neurotic.”

“Extenuating circumstances, I think.”

“So you really go all-out with the whole 'pink' thing, don't you?”

“Before the twentieth century, pink was associated with boys because it was seen as pale red, and red was a martial color.”

“Huh.”

“Plus it's pretty.”

And, you know, wedding things happened. It's Jojo. He probably sang her some dubstep, compared her to a grapefruit, and offered to bring her a dead mouse just in case she decided she was an owl.

And Ophelia put up with it, because she's a Family Sim and the ol' biological clock is tick-tick-ticking away.

Yay married! And it didn't even glitch or anything!

And there was even a reasonable turnout, although Nikolai and Kinsey got waylaid on the porch by Lark, who incidentally suggested that Ophelia now be known as Phee-Phee.

Lark writes Yakko's World OWBC.

“You found me pink cake!”

I did.

“You probably think I'm going to shove it!”

And I bet I'd be right.

This happened to the shock of absolutely no one.

Then it was time for the normal post-wedding things, like making me a tenth-generation heir.

And also getting spooked by the family ghosts, because there's nothing I like better than having my pregnant Sims meet the dead relatives, ARTIE.

Since I didn't have to gender-swap her or anything, I left her personality and Aspiration as is. Ophelia Nigmos Vetinari is still the same old Virgo 4/6/5/4/6 Family Sim she is in Strangetown.

Seriously, he loves the kittens. And it really does look like they're batting at his dreadlocks.

Ophelia pops the first time, and the countdown begins!

Her LTW is 6 Grandkids. Good luck with that, Phee-Phee.

As a pregnant Sim, she's kind of frightening. I've had Family Sims before, and none of them has been quite as focused as she is. Her Want Panel, on a daily basis, is like some insane Family Sim checklist. Have a Baby? CHECK. Influence to Clean? CHECK. Face Wants for husband? CHECK and CHECK. Weirdly, I think it makes them one of the stronger Family/Pleasure couples I've had, because she's just SO INTENSE.

The kittens grow up. That's Angel on the left and Spike on the right, looking all smug because he knows I love him best. Angel and Lilah promptly got sold to Lawrin, who hung around awhile because there was a slim chance she might actually get to hold a baby.

“Hello baby! I'm sorry you have to come into a world where Pluto is no longer a planet!”

“I don't think it will be that traumatic.”

“It was for Pluto.”

Ben also haunted that night. I guess he wanted to see his niece or nephew!

“Oh, come on! All I said was that it's clearly only a dwarf planet!”

It's kind of sad when even the other Family Sim isn't terribly interested in the baby.

Ophelia is, though. And so we have little Gully Foyle, meaning half of the challenge is done!

I decided that the names for the last generation should be a nod to my Founders, so they're named for sci-fi characters. Gully Foyle is the protagonist of Alfred Bester's The Stars My Destination (or Tiger! Tiger! if you're of the British persuasion), and is one of my all-time favorite antiheroes.

“Was that a noise? I think I heard a noise. OH GOD WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!”

Jack's under a little stress right now.

Then again, it's not paranoia if they really are coming to get you.

“It would be so much easier if he were a childrinion like the rest of them. None of these namby-pamby Nice Points.”

Willow and Xander grow up. It doesn't matter which one is which...

...because Buffy is clearly the awesomest dog, and gets to stay, while the other two get sold to Paulie.

“You made it! Good, now move in, and never leave!”

“...Like, never?”

“It's safer in here, where people are not actively trying to kill me.”

“I think they might, if you don't let anyone leave.”

“Look, let's just go get pregnant and then you have a baby, and then if we all die, at least we won first. Yay?”

“You know just the thing to say to turn a girl on.”

“I love you, let's do this before we're all horribly murdered? Is that romantic? I can't tell anymore.”

“It's probably the best I'm likely to get out of you right now.”

Nancy makes her own fun.

Unlike Ophelia, she does not retain the personality of the person she's based off of, because let's be honest, it's Nervous Subject, would you give anyone that personality if you didn't have to? No. So she's a 2/2/5/8/8 Aquarius Knowledge Sim instead.

I rolled the dice for her Zodiac and Aspiration. Honestly, Jack could do worse than someone else who's a slob, reasonably lazy, and extremely nice.

Dammit, Tess.

DAMMIT, BRAD!

Joke's on you, though, Nancy rolled Knowledge so she's cool with it and she totally didn't pee herself.

Which, you know, is always a risk when you have pregnant Sims hanging around with free-roaming ghosts.

“Yay baby! Hurry on out so we can all stop worrying about our own imminent horrible deaths!”

“You really need to calm down, Jack.”

“Oh! I almost forgot!”

“We totally need to get married so the baby will have my name!”

“Wouldn't you rather throw a party?”

“Yes, but mostly I would rather not have a ton of people walking in the house and out in the yard, where Cypress could easily sneak in and cause massive casualties. I hear massacres are really not a lot of fun.”

Utterly romantic wedding of the century, am I right?

Oh, good. Tess haunts during the DAY now. This just keeps getting better and better.

Nancy might not be as family-obsessed as Ophelia, but she is one of the more capable pregnant Sims I've had. She's pretty nonchalant about the ghost scares, she mostly sticks to salads and cereal when she's hungry, and generally doesn't require much babysitting from me.

“Jack, the mailman came today. Can I go out and pay the bills?”

“Leave 'em. We got plenty of time before the repo guy comes.”

“You're really not going to let anyone get the mail? We're all under house arrest?”

“Look, we don't know where Cypress is or what he's planning. For all we know, he's lurking in the bushes waiting to stab whoever comes out next. Or he's got his lightning machine all queued up, ready to go. Or maybe he put anthrax on the bills, and if you touch them, you'll die. It's not like he hasn't stabbed, electrocuted, or poisoned people before. Oh, and those are just the ones we know about.”

“Are you as sick of this as I am?”

“My son's just trying to do what he thinks is right. He's taking it pretty far, sure, but honestly, I don't know if I'd be doing things any differently. We all know what Cypress is capable of, but none of us actually know him. Not the way Larch did.”

“So you're just, what, going to sit around inside until I have this baby?”

“Well, if you want the truth, I sneak out to the balcony and take a whirl on the Dance Sphere when Jack's busy worrying about something else. I'm sure he'd tell me that perhaps Cypress is a military sniper capable of taking out a target from five miles away, through a blizzard, but I think it's worth the risk.”

“Sounds like fun, although I'm not sure whirling around on a gyroscope is the best thing for a baby. I guess I'll just cover for you, and keep Jack happy.”

“You really are taking this a bit far, Jack.”

“What else am I supposed to do? I just know it's my job to keep me and Nancy safe until we have a baby. And, yeah, you and Dad can go wandering around outside, you've done your jobs already, but what if he grabs you and holds you hostage? I'd have to choose to keep myself and Nancy safe, you know that and I know that, but that doesn't mean I want to be in that position, or that I want to be responsible for you and Dad getting killed. So please. Just humor me for a little while longer, and stay inside.”

“What are we going to do, Stevie? Just play along?”

“The baby is coming soon. After that, we're free to do as we please.”

“And until then?”

“Until then, I'm going to make pancakes. I bet Nancy would really like a plate of pancakes.”

“That's your solution?”

“I can't stop Cypress, but I can make breakfast. We all have our talents.”

“Oh good, violence on television.”

“And more violence. WHY IS THERE SO MUCH VIOLENCE?”

“Jack, would you go see what Buffy's barking at?”

“Yeah, OK.”

“Ah.”

“...Um...”

“The house! The house! The house is on fire!”

“The roof, Jack, the roof. The roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water, let the moth—“

“Dad! The house! Is on! Fire!”

“Are you sure it's not the pancakes? They're a little... well-done. I swear, I had one thing to do today...”

“No, that's the literal 'the house is on fire'.”

“Clearly I have not thought this whole 'everyone stays inside and we'll all be safe' thing out as thoroughly as I could have.”

“The back door—“

“Is also on fire.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah. Do you think maybe...?”

“If this isn't the right time, nothing is?”

“Well, if we're supposed to let the rain wash away the sins of the past, it's unfortunate that it's sunny and beautiful outside.”

“Unless...”

“The Weathernaught in the backyard. But both doors are on fire. How are we supposed to get to it?”

“Bust out a window?”

“Even if we could fit through any, we'd be dealing with shards of broken glass and Cypress.”

“Dangerous combination.”

“The balcony.”

“What about it?”

“I could climb over the railing, hang, and drop. It'd only be a few feet.”

“Good idea, but I should go.”

“Dad, you can't. You're old. If you broke a hip or something, you'd be out there with him, unable to get away. It's gotta be me. Besides, Nancy's pregnant. She's the important one now, not me.”

“Yeah, about that...”

“Oh, what now?”

“Baby's coming!”

“Oh, for crying out loud!”

“Go, Jack! We can't get Nancy out of here now, so hurry and make it rain before the fire spreads!”

“This is probably the craziest thing I have ever done.”

“Sure, Dad, I'll just jump off the balcony, it'll be totally cool. Super-funsies!”

“Oh good, still in one piece.”

“Until the psychopath in my yard comes and kills me, and man do I get punchy under pressure.”

It's starting.

I guess that means it's time for it to end.

I'm sorry, Cass. I hope you can forgive me.

I hope someday you can understand why I couldn't say goodbye.

“I love the smell of victory in the morning.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, old man, but you ain't won shit.”

“Well, aren't you adorable. My late brother's last little toy, no doubt.”

“His weapon, if you're being specific.”

“Are you a miracle? Because that's what they need.”

“They already have what they need.”

“Oh?”

“An ace in the hole.”

Harder than I expected.

Come on out of there already!

Gotcha, you bastard.

Now get the fuck out!

“An ace in the hole? You? Don't make me laugh.”

“Not me. Even better.”

“That wouldn't take much.”

Hurry up. I can't hold you there forever.

“Somehow I don't think that's going to be the next big carnival ride.”

“You. I didn't miss you.”

“Trust me, the feeling's mutual.”

“So what, your Servo can project a hologram?”

“Oh no, I'm the real deal. Well, almost. The 'soul' bit, anyway. Turns out your boy has some skills. And incidentally, in case you didn't know, doesn't really like you very much.”

“Spider Jerusalem? When was he ever not a disappointment? I should have killed him sooner.”

“Yeah. You should have.”

“A surprising sentiment from you.”

“Cy, you dumbass, you didn't just kill him, you Obi-Wanned him. When he died, he got aaaaaalllll that power you always wished he had. And he decided it'd be a little more fun if we got to have this out just the two of us, you and me.”

“Ungrateful little brat.”

“I wonder why that is.”

“So he let you, what? Possess your stupid robot?”

“More or less. Pretty slick trick, and just between us, I wasn't sure he could pull it off.”

“I wouldn't put too much of your faith in him. I learned it's easily misplaced.”

“Don't worry, I didn't. I've been planning this since the day you were born. The fact that I can be here to see it for myself is... an added bonus.”

“In case you hadn't noticed, the house is on fire with your not-so-lovely descendents trapped inside. Have you been planning for that since you were a wee fetus too?”

Come on. Shut up and let's finish this.

“Here's the thing you don't understand—the thing you've never understood: how to play the long game without cheating. When we were kids playing chess, we'd always try to cheat, and you'd always catch me. I never got away with it. I had to learn how to win by playing by the rules. You never had to plan ahead, because at the last minute, you could sneak in a bishop or a knight and put me in check. I had to anticipate your moves—and your cheating. And I had to do it fair and square. I had to win, by the book, and I learned. I learned to beat you, and I did, time and time again, I know you, I know your moves and your shortcuts, and I'll win just like I always did, because-”

“How positively tiresome. Is that really what I sound like when I do that? It's a wonder anyone puts up with it at all. Oh, wait.”

“Is that really how you want to do this? Fine by me.”

“Well, at least they're preoccupied with each other, right?”

“Just keep ignoring me, nobody here but us chickens...”

“Oh, come on! How are you not even bleeding a little?”

“I'm dead, moron. That's my grave right over there, underneath the painting of that handsome shirtless devil with the fauxhawk. You can't hurt me.”

“Fine, so you're death-proof, but how about those little descendents of yours? Not so lucky, I imagine.”

“Like I said. I know you, and I planned ahead.”

“It's... supposed to do that? I think?”

“I really, really hope this is what you meant, Grandpa Larch.”

“You planned ahead. Great. I've had generations to plan. Do you really think you can beat me? Here and now?”

“I think you mishandled the best asset you could have had. And I think I've already won.”

“Oh?”

“Because it's raining. Good boy, Jack. Even a childrinion couldn't have done it better.”

“So it's raining. So what? It's not like I'll melt.”

“You never did see the big picture, did you?”

“Okay, yes, fine, rain is an excellent way to extinguish the house fire. Well done. Except that I'm still here and still perfectly capable of killing your precious heirs.”

“You just don't get it, do you? The rain was never about the fire. See, you're forgetting one very important thing. I'm not Larch.”

“I'm LarchBot.”

“And what I am...”

“...is a giant, metal...”

“...lightning rod.”

“Bastard... You've killed... us both.”

“That... was the plan... asshole.”

“Fun fact: Servos are apparently alive enough to die, and when they do, they leave behind a body capable of being possessed by a sufficiently-motivated Dead Reaper Child. I wasn't actually sure that would be the case. You... well, you look like you've seen better days.”

“You... did this to me.”

“Technically, Larch did this to you, but honestly, I mostly think you did this to yourself.”

“Cass used to read me bedtime stories. The one that really stuck with me was the one about the scorpion and the frog. You know, the scorpion is wandering around, doing scorpion things, and he gets to a river that's too wide and deep for him to cross without drowning, and then he sees this frog, and he goes, 'Hey man, give me a lift across the river'--I may be paraphrasing—and the frog's like, “Pffft, no, you're a scorpion, you're gonna sting me,' and the scorpion's all, 'Nah bro, 'cause if I sting you while you're taking me across the river, you'll die from the venom and I'll drown, what kind of idiot would I be if I did that?' and the frog says, 'You're a scorpion, stinging me is in your nature,' and the scorpion goes, 'Dude, I don't wanna drown, give me a lift, I promise I won't sting you.' So the frog says OK and the scorpion gets on his back and the frog starts swimming across the river, and halfway across, the scorpion stings him. And the frog's like, 'What the fuck, dude? You just killed us both!' And the scorpion's like, “Whatever bro, it's in my nature.' I know the point of the story is that you always have to expect people to behave according to their nature, but even as a kid, that story, like, deeply pissed me off. You know why?”

“Because if that fucking scorpion had shown one fucking ounce of self-control, they both coulda lived. But it was in his fucking nature to be an asshole, so everybody had to suffer. And maybe, if that's what you really are, you deserve to die, but that doesn't mean you get to take anyone else down with you.”

“So here's the thing. I don't wanna be the scorpion. I can make different choices. I can fight my nature.”

“What...?”

“I'm going to forgive you. For every hurt you caused me, for killing me... You're just not strong enough to fight what you are. I feel sorry for you. And I forgive you.”

“That only... makes... it worse.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“Should have... won...”

“BUT YOU DID NOT, AND NOW I HAVE THE DISTINCT PLEASURE OF SEEING YOUR NAME ON MY LIST, CYPRESS VETINARI.”

“Just take him. You know no one's going to plead.”

“FORMALITIES MUST BE OBSERVED.”

“BUT I ADMIT TO FEELING SOME MEASURE OF JUSTICE.”

“YOU KNOW THERE IS A PRICE TO BE PAID FOR USING YOUR POWER IN THIS WAY, MY SON.”

“I know.”

“I'm pretty sure I have no idea what the hell just happened.”

“Nancy!”

“Hot door, hot door, hot, hot, hot...”

“You're alive! And we have a baby!”

“Her name is Irene Sulaweyo.”

“And this one is Nathan Brazil.”

“Twins?”

“Twins.”

“So, I mean, that's it, right? It's over? We won, and the only one who died is the bad guy.”