The Sun and Her Flowers
Transcript of The Sun and Her Flowers
alsobyrupikaurmilkandhoney
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tomymakerskamaljitkaurandsuchetsingh
iam.becauseofyou.ihopeyoulookatus
andthinkyoursacrificeswereworthit
tomystunningsistersandbrotherprabhdeepkaurkirandeepkaursaahebsingh
weareinthistogether
youdefinelove.
contents
wilting
falling
rooting
rising
blooming
beescameforhoneyflowersgiggledastheyundressedthemselves
forthetakingthesunsmiled
-thesecondbirth
onthelastdayoflovemyheartcrackedinsidemybody
ispenttheentirenightcastingspellstobringyouback
ireachedforthelastbouquetofflowersyougavemenowwiltingintheirvaseonebyoneipoppedtheirheadsoffandatethem
istuffedatowelatthefootofeverydoorleaveitoldtheairihavenouseforyouidreweverycurtaininthehousegoitoldthelightnooneiscominginandnooneisgoingout
-cemetery
youleftandiwantedyoustillyetideservedsomeonewhowaswillingtostay
ispenddaysinbeddebilitatedbylossiattempttocryyoubackbutthewaterisdoneandstillyouhavenotreturnedipinchmybellytillitbleedshavelostcountofthedayssunbecomesmoonand
moonbecomessunand
ibecomeghostadozendifferentthoughtstearthroughmeeachsecondyoumustbeonyourwayperhapsit’sbestifyou’renotiamokaynoiamangryyesihateyoumaybeican’tmoveoniwilliforgiveyouiwanttoripmyhairoutoverandoverandoveragaintillmymindexhaustsitselfintoasilence
yesterdaytheraintriedtoimitatemyhandsbyrunningdownyourbodyirippedtheskyapartforallowingit
-jealousy
inordertofallasleepihavetoimagineyourbodycrookedbehindminespoonladledintospoontillicanhearyourbreathihavetoreciteyournametillyouanswerandwehaveaconversationonlythencanmyminddriftofftosleep
-pretend
itisn’twhatweleftbehindthatbreaksmeit’swhatwecould’vebuilthadwestayed
icanstillseeourconstructionhatslyingexactlywhereweleftthempylonsunsureofwhattoguardbulldozersgazingoutforourreturntheplanksofwoodstiffintheirboxesyearningtobenailedupbutneitherofusgoesbacktotellthemitisoverintimethebrickswillgrowtiredofwaitingandcrumblethecraneswilldrooptheirnecksinsorrowtheshovelswillrustdoyouthinkflowerswillgrowherewhenyouandiareoff
buildingsomethingnew
withsomeoneelse
-theconstructionsiteofourfuture
iliveforthatfirstsecondinthemorningwheniamstillhalf-consciousihearthehummingbirdsoutsideflirtingwiththeflowersiheartheflowersgigglingandthebeesgrowingjealouswheniturnovertowakeyouitstartsalloveragainthepanting
thewailing
theshock
ofrealizingthatyou’veleft-thefirstmorningswithoutyou
thehummingbirdstellmeyou’vechangedyourhairitellthemidon’tcarewhilelisteningtothemdescribeeverydetail
-hunger
ienvythewindswhostillwitnessyou
icouldbeanythingintheworldbutiwantedtobehis
itriedtoleavemanytimesbutassoonasigotawaymylungsbuckledunderthepressurepantingforairi’dreturnperhapsthisiswhyiletyouskinmetothebone
somethingwasbetterthannothinghavingyoutouchmeevenifitwasnotkindwasbetterthannothavingyourhandsatallicouldtaketheabuseicouldnottaketheabsenceiknewiwasbeatingadeadthingbutdiditmatterifthethingwasdeadwhenattheveryleastihadit
-addiction
youbreakwomeninlikeshoes
lovingyouwasbreathingbutthatbreathdisappearingbeforeitfilledmylungs
-whenitgoestoosoon
whatlovelookslike
whatdoeslovelooklikethetherapistasksoneweekafterthebreakupandi’mnotsurehowtoanswerherquestionexceptforthefactthatithoughtlovelookedsomuchlikeyouthat’swhenithitmeandirealizedhownaiveihadbeentoplaceanideasobeautifulontheimageofapersonasifanybodyonthisentireearthcouldencompassallloverepresentedasifthisemotionsevenbillionpeopletrembleforwouldlooklikeafivefootelevenmedium-sizedbrown-skinnedguywholikeseatingfrozenpizzaforbreakfastwhatdoeslovelooklikethetherapistasksagainthistimeinterruptingmythoughtsmidsentenceandatthispointi’mabouttogetupandwalkrightoutthedoorexceptipaidfartoomuchmoneyforthishoursoinsteaditakeapiercinglookatherthewayyoulookatsomeonewhenyou’reabouttohandittothemlipspursedtightlypreparingtolaunchintoconversationeyesdiggingdeeplyintotheirssearchingforalltheweakspots
theyhavehiddensomewherehairbeingtuckedbehindtheearsasifyouhavetophysicallyprepareforaconversationonthephilosophiesorratherdisappointmentsofwhatlovelookslike
wellitellheridon’tthinkloveishimanymoreiflovewashimhewouldbeherewouldn’theifhewastheoneformewouldn’thebetheonesittingacrossfrommeiflovewashimitwouldhavebeensimpleidon’tthinkloveishimanymoreirepeatithinkloveneverwasithinkijustwantedsomethingwasreadytogivemyselftosomethingibelievedwasbiggerthanmyselfandwhenisawsomeonewhocouldprobablyfitthepartimadeitverymuchmyintention
tomakehimmycounterpart
andilostmyselftohim
hetookandhetookwrappedmeinthewordspecialuntiliwassoconvincedhehadeyesonlytoseemehandsonlytofeelmeabodyonlytobewithme
ohhowheemptiedme
howdoesthatmakeyoufeelinterruptsthetherapistwellisaiditkindofmakesmefeellikeshitmaybewe’realllookingatitwrongwethinkit’ssomethingtosearchforouttheresomethingmeanttocrashintousonourwayoutofanelevatororslipintoourchairatacafesomewhereappearattheendofanaisleatthebookstorelookingtherightamountofsexyandintellectualbutithinklovestartshereeverythingelseisjustdesireandprojectionofallourwantsneedsandfantasiesbutthoseexternalitiescouldneverworkoutifwedidn’tturninwardandlearnhowtoloveourselvesinordertoloveotherpeoplelovedoesnotlooklikeaperson
loveisouractionsloveisgivingallwecanevenifit’sjustthebiggersliceofcakeloveisunderstandingwehavethepowertohurtoneanotherbutwearegoingtodoeverythinginourpowertomakesurewedon’tloveisfiguringoutallthekindsweetnesswedeserveandwhensomeoneshowsupsayingtheywillprovideitasyoudobuttheiractionsseemtobreakyouratherthanbuildyouloveisknowingwhomtochoose
youcannotwalkinandoutofmelikearevolvingdoorihavetoomanymiracleshappeninginsidemetobeyourconvenientoption
-notyourhobby
youtookthesunwithyouwhenyouleft
iremainedcommittedlongafteryouweregoneicouldnotliftmyeyestomeeteyeswithsomeoneelselookingfeltlikebetrayalwhatexcusewouldihavewhenyoucamebackandaskedwheremyhandshadbeen
-loyal
whenyouplungedtheknifeintomeyoualsobeganbleedingmywoundbecameyourwounddidn’tyouknowloveisadouble-edgedknifeyouwillsufferthewayyoumakemesuffer
ithinkmybodyknewyouwouldnotstay
ilongforyoubutyoulongforsomeoneelseidenytheonewhowantsmecauseiwantsomeoneelse
-thehumancondition
iwonderifiam
beautifulenoughforyouorifiambeautifulatallichangewhatiamwearingfivetimesbeforeiseeyouwonderingwhichpairofjeanswillmakemybodymoretemptingtoundresstellmeisthereanythingicandotomakeyouthinkhersheissostrikingshemakesmybodyforgetithaskneeswriteitinaletterandaddressittoalltheinsecurepartsofmeyourvoicealonedrivesmetotearsyourstellingmeiambeautifulyourstellingmeiamenough
you’reeverywhereexceptrighthereandithurts
showmeapictureiwanttoseethefaceofthewomanwhomadeyouforgettheoneyouhadathomewhatdaywasitandwhatexcusedidyoufeedmeiusedtothanktheuniverseforbringingyoutomedidyouenterherrightasiaskedthealmightytograntyouallyouwanteddidyoufinditinherdidyoucomecrawlingoutofherwithwhatyoucouldn’tinme
whatdrawsyoutohertellmewhatyoulikesoicanpractice
yourabsenceisamissinglimb
questionsthereisalistofquestionsiwanttoaskbutneverwillthereisalistofquestionsigothroughinmyheadeverytimei’maloneandmymindcan’tstopitselffromsearchingforyouthereisalistofquestionsiwanttoasksoifyou’relisteningsomewherehereiamaskingthem
whatdoyouthinkhappenstothelovethat’sleftbehindwhentwoloversleavehowbluedoyouthinkitgetsbeforeitpassesawaydoesitpassawayordoesitstillexistsomewherewaitingforustocomebackwhenweliedtoourselvesbycallingthisunconditionalandleftwhichoneofushurtmoreishatteredintoamillionlittlepiecesandthosepiecesshatteredintoamillionmorecrumbledintodusttilltherewasnothingleftofmebutthesilencetellmehowlovehowdidthegrievingfeelforyouhowdidthemourninghurthowdidyoupeelyoureyesopenaftereveryblinkknowingi’dneverbetherestaringbackitmustbehardtolivewithwhatifstheremustalwaysbethisconstantdullachinginthepitofyourstomachtrustme
ifeelittoohowintheworlddidwegetherehowdidwelivethroughitandhowarewestilllivinghowmanymonthsdidittakebeforeyoustoppedthinkingofmeorareyoustillthinkingofmecauseifyouare
thenmaybeiamtoo
thinkingofyou
thinkingofme
withme
inme
aroundme
everywhere
youandmeandus
doyoustilltouchyourselftothoughtsofmedoyoustillimaginemynakednakedtinytinybodypressedintoyoursdoyoustillimaginethecurveofmyspineandhowyouwantedtoripitoutofmecausethewayitdippedintomyperfectlyroundedbottomdroveyoucrazy
baby
sugarbaby
sweetbaby
eversincewelefthowmanytimesdidyoupretenditwasmyhandstrokingyouhowmanytimesdidyousearchformeinyourfantasiesandendupcryinginsteadofcomingdon’tyoulietomeicantellwhenyou’relyingcausethere’salwaysthatlittlebitofarroganceinyourresponseareyouangrywithmeareyouokayandwouldyoutellmeifyou’renotandifweeverseeeachotheragaindoyouthinkyou’dreachoutandholdmelikeyousaidyouwouldthelasttimewespokeandyoutalkedofthenexttimewewouldordoyouthinkwe’djustlookshakeinourskinaswepinetoabsorbasmuchaswecanofeachothercausebythistimewe’veprobablygotsomeoneelsewaitingathomeweweregoodtogetherweren’tweandisitwrongthati’maskingyouthesequestionstellmelove
thatyouhavebeen
lookingfortheseanswerstoo
youcalltotellmeyoumissmeiturntofacethefrontdoorofthehousewaitingforaknockdayslateryoucalltosayyouneedmebutstillaren’therethedandelionsonthelawnarerollingtheireyesindisappointmentthegrasshasdeclaredyouyesterday’snewswhatdoicare
ifyouloveme
ormissme
orneedmewhenyouaren’tdoinganythingaboutitifi’mnottheloveofyourlifei’llbethegreatestlossinstead
wheredowegofromheremylovewhenit’soverandi’mstandingbetweenuswhosesidedoiruntowheneverynerveinmybodyispulsingforyouwhenmymouthwatersatthethoughtwhenyouarepullingmeinjustbystandingtherehowdoiturnaroundandchoosemyself
daybydayirealizeeverythingimissaboutyouwasneverthereinthefirstplace
-thepersonifellinlovewithwasamirage
theyleaveandactlikeitneverhappenedtheycomebackandactliketheyneverleft
-ghosts
itriedtofinditbuttherewasnoanswerattheendofthelastconversation
-closure
youaskifwecanstillbefriendsiexplainhowahoneybeedoesnotdreamofkissingthemouthofaflowerandthensettleforitsleaves
-idon’tneedmorefriends
whyisitthatwhenthestoryendswebegintofeelallofit
risesaidthemoon
andthenewdaycametheshowmustgoonsaidthesunlifedoesnotstopforanybodyitdragsyouby
thelegswhetheryouwanttomoveforwardornotthatisthegift
lifewillforceyoutoforgethowyoulongforthemyourskinwillshedtillthereisnotasinglepartofyouleftthey’vetouchedyoureyesfinallyjustyoureyesnottheeyeswhichheldthemyouwillmakeittotheendofwhatisonlythe
beginninggoonopenthedoortotherestofit-time
inoticeeverythingidonothaveanddecideitisbeautiful
ihardenedunderthelastloss.ittooksomethinghumanoutofme.iusedtobesodeeplyemotionali’dcrumbleondemand.butnowthewaterhasmadeitsexit.ofcourseicareabouttheonesaroundme.i’mjuststrugglingtoshowit.awallisgettingintheway.iusedtodreamofbeingsostrongnothingcouldshakeme.now.iam.sostrong.thatnothingshakesme.andallidreamistosoften.
-numbness
yesterdaywheniwokeupthesunfelltothegroundandrolledawayflowersbeheadedthemselvesallthat’sleftalivehereismeandibarelyfeellikeliving
-depressionisashadowlivinginsideme
whyareyousounkindtomemybodycries
causeyoudon’tlooklikethemitellher
youarewaitingforsomeonewhoisnotcomingbackmeaningyouarelivingyourlifehopingthatsomeonewillrealizetheycan’tlivetheirswithoutyou
-realizationsdon’tworklikethat
alotoftimesweareangryatotherpeoplefornotdoingwhatweshouldhavedoneforourselves
-responsibility
whydidyouleaveadoorhangingopenbetweenmylegswereyoulazydidyouforgetordidyoupurposelyleavemeunfinished
-conversationswithgod
theydidnottellmeitwouldhurtlikethisnoonewarnedmeabouttheheartbreakweexperiencewithfriendswherearethealbumsithoughttherewerenosongssungforiticouldnotfindtheballadsorreadthebooksdedicatedtowritingthegriefwefallintowhenfriendsleaveitisthetypeofheartachethatdoesnothityoulikeatsunamiitisaslowcancerthekindthatdoesnotshowupformonthshasnovisiblesignsisanachehere
aheadachethere
butmanageable
cancerortsunamiitallendsthesameafriendoraloveralossisalossisaloss-theunderratedheartache
ihearathousandkindwordsaboutmeanditmakesnodifferenceyetihearoneinsultandallconfidenceshatters
-focusingonthenegative
homeitbeganasatypicalthursdayfromwhatirecallsunlightkissedmyeyelidsgoodmorningirememberitexactly
climbingoutofbedmakingcoffeetothesoundofchildrenplayingoutsideputtingmusicon
loadingthedishwasherirememberplacingflowersinavaseinthemiddleofthekitchentableonlywhenmyapartmentwasspotlessdidistepintothebathtubwashyesterdayoutofmyhairidecoratedmyselflikethewallsofmyhomeweredecoratedwithframesbookshelvesphotosihunganecklacearoundmyneckhookedearringsin
appliedlipsticklikepaintsweptmyhairback—justyourtypicalthursdayweendedupataget-togetherwithfriendsattheendyouaskedifineededaridehomeandisaidyescauseourdadsworkedatthesamecompanyandyou’dbeentomyplacefordinnermanytimesbutishouldhaveknownwhenyoubegantoconfusekindconversationwithflirtationwhenyoutoldmetoletmyhairdownwheninsteadofdrivingmehometowardthebrightintersectionoflightsandlife—youtookalefttotheroadthatlednowhereiaskedwhereweweregoingyouaskedifiwasafraidmyvoicethrewitselfovertheedgeofmythroatlandedatthebottomofmybellyandhidformonthsallthedifferentpartsinmeturnedthelightsoffshuttheblinds
lockedthedoorswhileihidatthebackofsomeupstairsclosetofmymindassomeonebrokethewindows—youkickedthefrontdoorin—you
tookeverything
andthensomeonetookme—itwasyou.
whodoveintomewithaforkandaknifeeyesglintingwithstarvationlikeyouhadn’teateninweeksiwasahundredandtenpoundsoffreshmeatyouskinnedandguttedwithyourfingerslikeyouwerescrapingtheinsideofacantaloupecleanasiscreamedformymotheryounailedmywriststothegroundturnedmybreastsintobruisedfruitthishomeisemptynow
nogas
noelectricity
norunningwater
thefoodisrottenfromheadtofootiamlayeredindustfruitflies.webs.bugs.
someonecalltheplumbermystomachisbackedup—i’vebeenvomitingsincecalltheelectricianmyeyeswon’tlightupcallthecleanerstowashmeupandhangmetodrywhenyoubrokeintomyhomeitneverfeltlikemineagainican’tevenletaloverinwithoutgettingsickilosesleepafterthefirstdatelosemyappetitebecomemoreboneandlessskinforgettobreatheeverynightmybedroombecomesapsychwardwherepanicattacksturnmenintodoctorstokeepmecalmeveryloverwhotouchesme—feelslikeyoutheirfingers—youmouths—youuntilthey’renottheonesontopofmeanymore—it’syouandiamsotired
ofdoingthingsyourway—itisn’tworkingi’vespentyearstryingtofigureouthowicouldhavestoppeditbutthesuncan’tstopthestormfromcomingthetreecan’tstoptheaxican’tblamemyselfforhavingaholethesizeofyourmanhoodinmychestanymoreit’stooheavytocarryyourguilt—i’msettingitdowni’mtiredofdecoratingthisplacewithyourshameasifitbelongstomeit’stoomuchtowalkaroundwithwhatyourhandshavedoneifit’snotmyhandsthathavedoneitthetruthcomestomesuddenly—afteryearsofrainthetruthcomeslikesunlightpouringthroughanopenwindowittakesalongtimetogetherebutitallcomesfullcircleittakesabrokenpersontocomesearchingformeaningbetweenmylegsittakesacomplete.whole.perfectlydesignedpersontosurviveitittakesmonsterstostealsoulsandfighterstoreclaimthemthishomeiswhaticameintothisworldwithwasthefirsthome
willbethelasthomeyoucan’ttakeitthereisnospaceforyou
nowelcomemat
noextrabedroomsi’mopeningallthewindows
airingitoutputtingflowersinavaseinthemiddleofthekitchentablelightingacandleloadingthedishwasherwithallofmythoughtsuntilthey’respotless
scrubbingthecountertopsandtheniplantostepintothebathtubwashyesterdayoutofmyhairdecoratemybodyingold
putmusicon
sitbackputmyfeetupandenjoythistypicalthursdayafternoon
whensnowfallsilongforgrasswhengrassgrowsiwalkalloveritwhenleaveschangecoloribegforflowerswhenflowersbloomipickthem
-unappreciative
tellthemiwasthewarmestplaceyouknewandyouturnedmecold
athomethatnightifilledthebathtubwithscorchingwatertossedinspearmintfromthegardentwotablespoonsalmondoilsomemilk
andhoney
apinchofsaltrosepetalsfromtheneighbor’slawnisoakedmyselfinthemixturedesperatetowashthedirtyoffthefirsthouripickedpineneedlesfrommyhaircountedthemonetwothreelinedthemupontheirbacksthesecondhour
iweptahowlingescapedmewhoknewgirlcouldbecomebeastduringthethirdhourifoundbitsofhimonbitsofmethesweatwasnotminethewhitebetweenmylegsnotmine
thebitemarks
notmine
thesmell
notmine
theblood
mine
thefourthhouriprayed
itfeltlikeyouthrewmesofarfrommyselfi’vebeentryingtofindmywaybackeversince
ireducedmybodytoaestheticsforgottheworkitdidtokeepmealivewitheverybeatandbreathdeclareditagrandfailurefornotlookingliketheirssearchedeverywhereforamiraclefoolishenoughtonotrealizeiwasalreadylivinginone
theironyoflonelinessisweallfeelitatthesametime
-together
mygirlhoodwastoomuchhairthinlimbscoatedinvelvetitwasneighborhoodtraditionfortheotheryounggirlsanditofrequentbasementsalonsonaweeklybasisrunbywomeninahousewhoweremymother’sagehadmymother’sskinbutlookednothinglikemysimplemothertheyhadbrownskinwithyellowhairmeantforwhiteskinstreakslikezebras
slitsforeyebrowsilookedatmyowncaterpillarswithshameanddreamtminewouldbethatthinisittimidlyinthemakeshiftwaitingareahopingafriendfromschoolwouldnotdropbyabollywoodmusicvideoisplayingonatinytelevisionscreeninthecornersomeoneisgettingtheirlegswaxedorhairdyedwhentheauntiecallsmeiniwalkintotheroomandmakesmalltalksheleavesforamomentwhileiundressmylowerhalfislidemypantsandunderwearoffliedownonthespabedandwaitwhenshereturnsshepositionsmylegslikeanopenbutterfly
solesoffeettogetherkneespointinginoppositedirectionsfirstthedisinfectantwipethenthecoldjellyhowisschoolandwhatareyoustudyingsheasksturnsthelaseronplacestheheadofthemachineonmypubicboneandjustlikethatitbeginsthehairfolliclesaroundmyclitorisbeginburningwitheachzap
iwince
shiveringwithpain
whydoidothiswhydoipunishmybodyforbeingexactlyasit’smeanttobeistopmyselfhalfwaythroughtheregretwhenithinkofhimandhowi’mtooembarrassedtoshowhimunlessit’sclean
ibitedownonmylipandaskifwe’realmostfinished-basementaesthetician
wehavebeendyingsincewegothereandforgottoenjoytheview
-livefully
youweremineandmylifewasfullyouarenolongermineandmylifeisfull
myeyesmakemirrorsoutofeveryreflectivesurfacetheypasssearchingforsomethingbeautifullookingbackmyearsfishforcomplimentsandpraisebutnomatterhowfartheygolookingnothingisenoughformeigotoclinicsanddepartmentstoresforprettypotionsandnewtechniquesi’vetriedthelasersi’vetriedthefacialsi’vetriedthebladesandexpensivecreamsforahopefulminutetheyfillmemakemeglowfromcheektocheekbutassoonasifeelbeautifultheirmagicdisappearssuddenlywhereamisupposedtofinditiamwillingtopayanypriceforabeautythatmakesheadsturneverymomentdayandnight
-anever-endingsearch
thisplacemakesmethekindofexhaustedthathasnothingtodowithsleepandeverythingtodowiththepeoplearoundme
-introvert
youmustseenoworthinyourselfifyoufindmeworthlessafteryou’vetouchedmeasifyourhandsonmybodymagnifyyouandreducemetonothing
-worthisnotsomethingwetransfer
youdonotjustwakeupandbecomethebutterfly
-growthisaprocess
iamhavingadifficulttimerightnowcomparingmyselftootherpeopleiamstretchingmyselfthintryingtobethemmakingfunofmyfacelikemyfathercallingituglystarvingoutthisprematuredoublechinbeforeitmeltsintomyshoulderslikecandlewaxfixingthebagsundermyeyesthatcarrytherapebookmarkingsurgicalproceduresformynosethereissomuchthatneedstendingtocanyoupointmeintherightdirectioniwanttotakethisbodyoffwhichwaybacktothewomb
liketherainbowaftertherainjoywillrevealitselfaftersorrow
nowasabadwordinmyhomenowasmetwiththelasherasedfromourvocabulary
beatenoutofourbackstillwebecamewell-behavedkidswhoobedientlynoddedyestoeverythingwhenheclimbedontopofmeeverypartofmybodywantedtorejectitbuticouldn’tsaynotosavemylifewhenitriedtoscreamallthatescapedmewassilenceiheardnopoundingherfistontheroofofmymouth
beggingtoletheroutbutihadnotputuptheexitsignneverbuilttheemergencystaircasetherewasnotrapdoorfornotoescapefromiwanttoaskalltheparentsandguardiansaquestionwhatusewasobediencethenwhentherewerehandsthatwerenotmineinsideme-howcaniverbalizeconsentasanadultifiwasnevertaughttoasachild
despiteknowingtheywon’tbehereforlongtheystillchoosetolivetheirbrightestlives
-sunflowers
whenyoufindhertellhernotadaygoesbywhenidonotthinkofherthatgirlwhothinksyouareeverythingsheaskedforwhenyoubounceheroffthewallsandshecriestellhericrywithhertoothesoundofdrywallcrunchingintoitselfasit’sbeatenwithherheadalsolivesinmyearstellhertoruntomeihavealreadyunscrewedmyfrontdooroffitsframeopenedallthewindowsinsidethereisawarmbathrunningshedoesnotneedyourkindofloveiamproofshewillgetoutandfindherwaybacktoherselfificouldsurviveyousowillshe
partsofmybodystillachefromthefirsttimetheyweretouched
theartofgrowingifeltbeautifuluntiltheageoftwelvewhenmybodybegantoripenlikenewfruitandsuddenlythemenlookedatmynewbornhipswithsalivatinglipstheboysdidn’twanttoplaytagatrecesstheywantedtotouchallthenewandunfamiliarpartsofmethepartsididn’tknowhowtoweardidn’tknowhowtocarryandtriedtoburyinmyribcage
boobstheysaid
andihatedthatwordhatedthatiwasembarrassedtosayitthateventhoughitwasreferringtomybodyitdidn’tbelongtome
itbelongedtothem
andtheyrepeateditlike
theyweremeditatinguponitboobshesaidletmeseeyoursthereisnothingworthseeingherebutguiltandshameitrytorotintotheearthbelowmyfeetbutiamstillstandingonefootacrossfromhishookedfingersandwhenhechargestofeastonmyhalfmoonsibiteintohisforearmanddecideihatethisbodyimusthavedonesomethingterribletodeserveitwhenigohomeitellmymotherthemenoutsidearestarvingshetellsmeimustnotdresswithmybreastshangingsaidtheboyswillgethungryiftheyseefruitsaysishouldsitwithmylegsclosedlikeawomanoughtaorthemenwillgetangryandfightsaidicanavoidallthistroubleifijustlearntoactlikealadybuttheproblemisthatdoesn’tevenmakesenseican’twrapmyheadaroundthefactthatihavetoconvincehalftheworld’spopulationmybodyisnottheirbediambusylearningtheconsequencesofwomanhoodwhenishouldbelearningscienceandmathinsteadilikecartwheelsandgymnasticssoican’timaginewalkingaroundwithmythighspressedtogetherlikethey’rehidingasecretasiftheacceptanceofmyownbodypartswillinvitethoughtsoflustintheirheadsiwillnotsubjectmyselftotheirideologycauseslutshamingisrapeculturevirginpraisingisrapecultureiamnotamannequininthewindowofyourfavoriteshopyoucan’tdressmeuporthrowmeoutwheniamwornyouarenotacannibalyouractionsarenotmyresponsibilityyouwillcontrolyourself
thenexttimeigotoschoolandtheboyshootatmybackside
ipushthemdown
footovertheirnecks
anddefiantlysayboobsandthelookintheireyesispriceless
whentheworldcomescrashingatyourfeetit’sokaytoletothershelppickupthepiecesifwe’representtotakepartinyourhappinesswhenyourcircumstancesaregreatwearemorethancapableofsharingyourpain
-community
idonotweepbecausei’munhappyiweepbecauseihaveeverythingyetiamunhappy
letitgoletitleaveletithappennothinginthisworldwaspromisedorbelongedtoyouanyway
-allyouownisyourself
wishpureloveandsoftpeaceupontheoneswho’vebeenunkindtoyouandkeepmovingforward
-thiswillfreeyouboth
yesitispossibletohateandlovesomeoneatthesametimeidoittomyselfeveryday
somewherealongthewayilosttheself-loveandbecamemygreatestenemyithoughti’dseenthedevilbeforeintheuncleswhotouchedusaschildrenthemobsthatburnedourcitytothegroundbuti’dneverseensomeoneashungryformyfleshasiwasipeeledmyskinoffjusttofeelawakeworeitinsideoutsprinkleditwithsalttopunishmyselfturmoilclottedmynervesmybloodcurdledieventriedtoburymyselfalivebutthedirtrecoiledyouhavealreadyrotteditsaidthereisnothingleftformetodo-self-hate
thewayyouspeakofyourselfthewayyoudegradeyourselfintosmallnessisabuse
-self-harm
whenihittherockbottomthatexistsaftertherockbottomandnoropeorhandappearediwonderedwhatifnothingwantsmebecauseidonotwantme
-iamboththepoisonandtheantidote
first
iwentformywordstheican’ts.iwon’ts.iamnotgoodenoughs.ilinedthemupandshotthemdeadtheniwentformythoughtsinvisibleandeverywheretherewasnotimetogatherthemonebyoneihadtowashthemoutiwovealinenclothoutofmyhairsoakeditinabowlofmintandlemonwatercarrieditinmymouthasiclimbedupmybraidtothebackofmyheaddownonmykneesibegantowipemymindcleanittooktwenty-onedaysmykneesbruisedbut
ididnotcareiwasnotgiventhebreathinmylungstochokeitoutiwouldscrubtheself-hateoffthebonetillitexposedlove
-self-love
ihavesurvivedfartoomuchtogoquietlyletameteortakemecallthethunderforbackupmydeathwillbegrandthelandwillcrackthesunwilleatitself
-thedayileave
iwanttohoneymoonmyself
ifiamthelongestrelationshipofmylifeisn’tittimetonurtureintimacyandlovewiththepersonilieinbedwitheachnight
-acceptance
whatisstrongerthanthehumanheartwhichshattersoverandoverandstilllives
iwokeupthinkingtheworkwasdoneiwouldnothavetopracticetodayhownaivetothinkhealingwasthateasywhenthereisnoendpointnofinishlinetocrosshealingiseverydaywork
youhavesomuchbutarealwayshungryformorestoplookingupateverythingyoudon’thaveandlookaroundateverythingyoudo
-wherethesatisfactionlives
youcanimitatealightlikeminebutyoucannotbecomeit
andhereyouarelivingdespiteitall
thisistherecipeoflifesaidmymotherassheheldmeinherarmsasiweptthinkofthoseflowersyouplantinthegardeneachyeartheywillteachyouthatpeopletoomustwiltfallrootriseinordertobloom
theyhavenoideawhatitisliketolosehomeattheriskofneverfindinghomeagaintohaveyourentirelifesplitbetweentwolandsandbecomethebridgebetweentwocountries
-immigrant
lookatwhatthey’vedonetheearthcriedtothemoonthey’veturnedmeintooneentirebruise
-greenandblue
youareanopenwoundandwearestandinginapoolofyourblood
-refugeecamp
whenitcametolistening
mymothertaughtmesilenceifyouaredrowningtheirvoicewithyourshowwillyouhearthemsheasked
whenitcametospeakingshesaiddoitwithcommitmenteverywordyousayisyourownresponsibilitywhenitcametobeingshesaidbetenderandtoughatonceyouneedtobevulnerabletolivefullybutroughenoughtosurviveitallwhenitcametochoosingsheaskedmetobethankfulforthechoicesihadthatsheneverhadtheprivilegeofmaking-lessonsfrommumma
leavinghercountrywasnoteasyformymotheristillcatchhersearchingforitinforeignfilmsandtheinternationalfoodaisle
iwonderwhereshehidhim.herbrotherwhohaddiedonlyayearbefore.asshesatinacostumeofredsilkandgoldonherweddingday.shetellsmeitwasthesaddestdayofherlife.howshehadnotfinishedmourningyet.ayearwasnotenough.therewasnowaytogrievethatquick.itfeltlikeablink.abreath.beforethenewsofhislosshadsunkinthedecorwasalreadyhungup.theguestshadstartedstrollingin.thesmalltalk.therush.allmirroredhisfuneraltoomuch.itfeltasthoughhisbodyhadjustbeencarriedawayforthecremationwhenmyfatherandhisfamilyarrivedfortheweddingcelebrations.
-amriksingh(1959–1990)
iamsorrythisworldcouldnotkeepyousafemayyourjourneyhomebeasoftandpeacefulone
-restinpeace
yourlegsbucklelikeatiredhorserunningforsafetydragthembythehipsandmovefasteryoudonothavetheprivilegetorestinacountrythatwantstospityououtyouhavetokeep
goingandgoing
andgoing
tillyoureachthewaterhandovereverythinginyournameforaticketontotheboatnexttoahundredotherslikeyoupackedlikesardinesyoutellthewomanbesideyouthisboatisnotstrongenoughtocarrythismuchsorrowtoashorewhatdoesitmattershesaysifdrowningiseasierthanstayinghowmanypeoplehasthiswaterdrunkupisitallonelongcemeterybodiesburiedwithoutacountryperhapstheseaisyourcountryperhapstheboatsinksbecauseitistheonlyplacethatwilltakeyou-boat
whatifwegettotheirdoorsandtheyslamthemshutiask
whataredoorsshesayswhenwe’veescapedthebellyofthebeast
bordersareman-madetheyonlydivideusphysicallydon’tletthemmakeusturnoneachother
-wearenotenemies
afterthesurgeryshetellsmehowbizarreitisthattheyjusttookoutthefirsthomeofherchildren
-hysterectomyfebruary2016
bombsbroughtentirecitiesdowntotheirkneestodayrefugeesboardedboatsknowingtheirfeetmaynevertouchlandagainpoliceshotpeopledeadforthecoloroftheirskinlastmonthivisitedanorphanageofabandonedbabiesleftonthecurbsidelikewastelateratthehospitaliwatchedamotherlosebothherchildandhermindsomewherealoverdiedhowcanirefusetobelievemylifeisanythingshortofamiracleifamidstallthischaos
iwasgiventhislife
-circumstances
perhapsweareallimmigrantstradingonehomeforanotherfirstweleavethewombforairthenthesuburbsforthefilthycityinsearchofabetterlife
someofusjusthappentoleaveentirecountries
mygodisnotwaitinginsideachurchorsittingabovethetemple’sstepsmygodistherefugee’sbreathasshe’srunningislivinginthestarvingchild’sbellyistheheartbeatoftheprotestmygoddoesnotrestbetweenpageswrittenbyholymen
mygodlivesbetweenthesweatythighsofwomen’sbodiessoldformoneywaslastseenwashingthehomelessman’sfeetmygod
isnotasunreachableasthey’dlikeyoutothinkmygodisbeatinginsideusinfinitely
adviceiwould’vegivenmymotheronherweddingday
1. youareallowedtosayno
2. yearsagohisfatherbeatthelanguageofloveoutofyourhusband’sbackhewillneverknowhowtosayitbuthisactionsprovehelovesyou
3. gowithhimwhenheentersyourbodyandgoestothatplacesexisnotdirty
4. nomatterhowmanytimeshisfamilybringsitupdonothavetheabortionjustbecausei’magirllocktherelativesoutandswallowthekeyhewillnothateyou
5. takeyourjournalsandpaintingsacrosstheoceanwhenyouleavethesewillremindyouwhoyouarewhenyougetlostamidnewcitiestheywillalsoremindyourchildrenyouhadanentirelifebeforethem
6. whenyourhusbandsareoffworkingatthefactoriesmakefriendswithalltheotherlonelywomenintheapartmentcomplexthislonelinesswillcutapersoninhalfyouwillneedeachothertostayalive
7. yourhusbandandchildrenwilltakefromyourplatewewillemotionallyandmentallystarveyouallofitiswrongdon’tletusconvinceyouthatsacrificingyourselfishowyoumustshowlove
8. whenyourmotherdiesflybackforthefuneralmoneycomesandgoesamotherisonceinalifetime
9. youareallowedtospendacoupledollarsonacoffeeiknowtherewasatimewhenwecouldnotafforditbutweareokaynow.breathe.
10. youcan’tspeakenglishfluentlyoroperateacomputerorcellphonewedidthattoyou.itisnotyourfault.youarenotanylessthantheothermotherswiththeirflashyphonesanddesignerclothingweconfinedyoutothefourwallsofthishomeandworkedyoutotheboneyouhavenotbeenyourownpropertyfordecades
11. therewasnorulebookforhowtobethefirstwomaninyourlineagetoraiseafamilyonastrangelandbyyourself
12. youarethepersonilookuptomost
13. wheniamabouttoshatterithinkofyourstrengthandharden
14. ithinkyouareamagician
15. iwanttofilltherestofyourlifewithease
16. youaretheheroofheroesthegodofgods
inadreamisawmymotherwiththeloveofherlifeandnochildrenitwasthehappiesti’deverseenher
-whatif
yousplittheworldintopiecesandcalledthemcountriesdeclaredownershiponwhatneverbelongedtoyouandlefttherestwithnothing
-colonize
myparentsneversatusdownintheeveningstosharestoriesoftheiryoungerdays.onewasalwaysworking.theothertootired.perhapsbeinganimmigrantdoesthattoyou.
thecoldterrainofthenorthengulfedthem.theirbodieswerehardatworkpayinginbloodandsweatfortheircitizenship.perhapstheweightofthenewworldwastoomuch.andthepainandsorrowoftheoldwasbetterleftburied.
idowishihadunburieditthough.iwishi’dpriedtheirsilenceapartlikeaclosedenvelope.iwishi’dfoundasmallopeningatitsveryedge.pushedafingerinsideandgentlytornitopen.theyhadanentirelifebeforemewhichiamastrangerto.itwouldbemygreatestregrettoseethemleavethisplacebeforeievengottoknowthem.
myvoiceistheoffspringoftwocountriescollidingwhatistheretobeashamedofifenglishandmymothertonguemadelovemyvoiceisherfather’swordsandmother’saccentwhatdoesitmatterifmymouthcarriestwoworlds
-accent
foryearstheywereseparatedbyoceansleftwithnothingbutlittlephotographsofeachothersmallerthanpassport-sizephotosherswastuckedintoagoldenlockethisslippedinsidehiswalletattheendofthedaywhentheirworldswentquietstudyingthemwastheironlyintimacythiswasatimelongbeforecomputerswhenfamiliesinthatpartoftheworldhadnotseenatelephoneorlaidtheiralmondeyesonacoloredtelevisionscreenlongbeforeyouandi
asthewheelsoftheplanetouchedtarmacshewonderedifthiswastheplacehadsheboardedtherightflightshould’veaskedtheairhostesstwicelikeherhusbandsuggested
walkingintobaggageclaim
herheartbeatsoheavyshethoughtitmightfallouteyesdartingineverydirectionsearchingforwhattodonextwhensuddenly
rightthere
intheflesh
hestoodnotamirage—aman
firstcamerelief
thenbewildermentthey’dimaginedthisreunionforyearshadrehearsedtheirlinesbuthermouthseemedtoforgetshefeltakickinherstomachwhenshesawtheshadowscirclinghiseyesandshoulderscarryinganinvisibleweightitlookedlikethelifehadbeendrainedoutofhimwherewasthepersonshehadwedshewonderedreachingforthegoldenlockettheonewiththephotoofthemanherhusbanddidnotlooklikeanymore-thenewworldhaddrainedhim
whatifthereisn’tenoughtimetogiveherwhatshedeservesdoyouthinkifibeggedtheskyhardenoughmymother’ssoulwouldreturntomeasmydaughtersoicangiveherthecomfortshegavememywholelife
iwanttogobackintimeandsitbesideher.documentherinahomemoviesomyeyescanspendtherestoftheirliveswitnessingamiracle.theonewhoselifeineverthinkofbeforemine.iwanttoknowwhatshelaughedaboutwithfriends.inthevillagewithinhousesofmudandbrick.surroundedbyacresofmustardplantandsugarcane.iwanttositwiththeteenageversionofmymother.askaboutherdreams.becomeherpleatedbraid.theblackkohlcaressinghereyelids.theflourneatlypackedintoherfingertips.apageinherschoolbooks.eventobeasinglethreadofhercottondresswouldbethegreatestgift.
-towitnessamiracle
rememberthebodyofyourcommunitybreatheinthepeoplewhosewedyouwholeitisyouwhobecameyourselfbutthosebeforeyouareapartofyourfabric
-honortheroots
whentheyburiedmealiveidugmywayoutofthegroundwithpalmandfistihowledsoloudtheearthroseinfearandthedirtbegantolevitatemywholelifehasbeenanuprisingoneburialafteranother-iwillfindmywayoutofyoujustfine
mymothersacrificedherdreamssoicoulddream
brokenenglishithinkaboutthewaymyfatherpulledthefamilyoutofpovertywithoutknowingwhatavowelwasandmymotherraisedfourchildrenwithoutbeingabletoconstructaperfectsentenceinenglishadiscombobulatedcouplewholandedinthenewworldwithhopesthatleftthebittertasteofrejectionintheirmouthsnofamily
nofriends
justmanandwifetwouniversitydegreesthatmeantnothingonemothertonguethatwasbrokennowoneswollenbellywithababyinsideafatherworryingaboutjobsandrentcausenomatterwhatthisbabywascomingandtheythoughttothemselvesforasplitsecondwasitworthittoputallofourmoneyintothedreamofacountrythatisswallowinguswholepapalooksathiswoman’seyesandseeslonelinesslivingwheretheiriswaswantstogiveherahomeinacountrythatlooksatherwiththewordvisitorwrappedarounditstongueontheirweddingdaysheleftanentirevillagetobehiswifenowsheleftanentirecountrytobeawarriorandwhenthewintercametheyhadnothingbuttheheatoftheirownbodiestokeepthecoldnessout
liketwobracketstheyfacedoneanothertoholdthedearestpartsofthem—theirchildren—closetheyturnedasuitcasefullofclothesintoalifeandregularpaycheckstomakesurethechildrenofimmigrantswouldn’thatethemforbeingthechildrenofimmigrantstheyworkedtoohardyoucantellbytheirhandstheireyesarebeggingforsleepbutourmouthswerebeggingtobefedandthatisthemostartisticthingihaveeverseenitispoetrytotheseearsthathaveneverheardwhatpassionsoundslikeandmymouthisfulloflikesandumswhenilookattheirmasterpiececausetherearenowordsintheenglishlanguagethatcanarticulatethatkindofbeautyican’tcompacttheirexistenceintotwenty-sixlettersandcallitadescriptionitriedoncebuttheadjectivesneededtodescribethemdon’tevenexistsoinsteadiendedupwithpagesandpagesfullofwordsfollowedbycommasandmorewordsandmorecommasonlytorealizetherearesomethings
onlytorealizetherearesomethingsintheworldsoinfinitetheycouldneveruseafullstop
sohowdareyoumockyourmotherwhensheopenshermouthandbrokenenglishspillsoutdon’tbeashamedofthefactthatshesplitthroughcountriestobeheresoyouwouldn’thavetocrossashorelineheraccentisthicklikehoney
holditwithyourlifeit’stheonlythingshehasleftofhomedon’tyoustomponthatrichnessinsteadhangituponthewallsofmuseumsnexttodaliandvangoghherlifeisbrilliantandtragickissthesideofhertendercheekshealreadyknowswhatitfeelsliketohaveanentirenationlaughwhenshespeakssheismorethanourpunctuationandlanguagewemightbeabletopaintpicturesandwritestoriesbutshemadeanentireworldforherselfhowisthatforart
onthefirstdayofloveyouwrappedmeinthewordspecial
youmustrememberittoohowtherestofthecitysleptwhilewesatawakenedforthefirsttimewehadn’ttouchedyetbutwemanagedtotravelinandoutofeachotherwithourwordsourlimbsdizzyingwithenoughelectricitytoformhalfasunwedranknothingthatnightbutiwasintoxicatediwenthomeandthoughtarewesoulmates
ifeelapprehensivecausefallingintoyoumeansfallingoutofhimandihadnotpreparedforthat
-forward
howdoiwelcomeinkindnesswhenihaveonlypracticedspreadingmylegsfortheterrifyingwhatamitodowithyouifmyideaofloveisviolencebutyouaresweetifyourconceptofpassioniseyecontactbutmineisragehowcanicallthisintimacyificravesharpedgesbutyouredgesaren’tevenedgestheyaresoftlandingshowdoiteachmyselftoacceptahealthyloveifalli’veeverknownispain
iwillwelcomeapartnerwhoismyequal
neverfeelguiltyforstartingagain
themiddleplaceisstrangethepartbetweenthemandthenextisanawakeningfromhowyousawtohowyouwillseethisiswheretheircharmwearsoffwheretheyarenolongerthegodyoumadethemouttobewhenthepedestalyoucarvedoutofyourboneandteethnolongerservesthemtheyareunmaskedandmademortalagain-themiddleplace
whenyoustartlovingsomeonenewyoulaughattheindecisivenessofloverememberwhenyouweresurethelastonewastheoneandnowhereyouareredefiningtheonealloveragain
-afreshloveisagift
idonotneedthekindoflovethatisdrainingiwantsomeonewhoenergizesme
iamtryingtonotmakeyoupayfortheirmistakesiamtryingtoteachmyselfyouarenotresponsibleforthewoundhowcanipunishyouforwhatyouhavenotdoneyouwearmyemotionslikeadecoratedarmyvestyouarenotcoldorsavageorhungryyouaremedicinalyouarenotthem
hemakessuretolookrightatmeasheplaceshiselectricfingersonmyskinhowdoesthatfeelheaskscommandingmyattentionrespondingisoutofthequestioniquiverwithanticipationexcitedandterrifiedforwhat’stocomehesmilesknowsthisiswhatsatisfactionlookslikeiamaswitchboard
heisthecircuitsmyhipsmovewithhis—rhythmicmyvoiceisn’tmyownwhenimoan—itismusiclikefingersonaviolinstringhesparksenoughelectricitywithinmetopoweracitywhenwefinishilookrightathimandtellhim
thatwasmagic
wheniwalkedintothecoffeeshopandsawyou.mybodydidnotreactlikeithadthefirsttime.iwaitedformyhearttoabandonme.formylegstofreezeup.tofalltothegroundcryingatyoursight.nothinghappened.therewasnoconnectionormovementinsidewhenwelockedeyes.youlookedlikearegularguywithyourregularclothesandregularcoffee.nothingprofoundaboutyou.idon’tgivemyselfenoughcredit.mybodymusthavecleanseditselfofyoulongago.musthavegottentiredofmebehavinglikei’dlostthebestthingtohavehappened.andwrungtheinsecuritiesoutwhileiwasbusywallowinginpity.thatdayihadnomakeupon.myhairwasallovertheplace.iwaswearingmybrother’soldt-shirtandpajamapants.yetifeltlikeagleamingsiren.amermaid.ididalittledanceinthecarwhiledrivinghome.eventhoughwewerebothunderthesameroofofthatcoffeeshop.iwasstillsolarsystemsawayfromyou.
theorangetreesrefusedtoblossomunlesswebloomedfirstwhenwemettheywepttangerinescan’tyoutelltheearthhaswaiteditswholelifeforthis
-celebration
whyamialwaysrunningincirclesbetweenwantingyoutowantmeandwhenyouwantmedecidingitistooemotionallynakedformetolivewithwhydoimakelovingmesodifficultasifyoushouldneverhavetowitnesstheghostsihavetuckedundermybreastiusedtobemoreopenwhenitcametomatterslikethismylove-ifonlywe’dmetwheniwasthatwilling
icouldnotcontainmyselfanylongerirantotheoceaninthemiddleofthenightandconfessedmyloveforyoutothewaterasifinishedtellingherthesaltinherbodybecamesugar
(odetosobhasingh’ssohnimahiwal)
isaymaybethisisamistake.maybeweneedmorethanlovetomakethiswork.
youplaceyourlipsonmine.whenourfacesarebuzzingwiththeecstasyofkissingyousaytellmethatisn’tright.andasmuchasi’dliketothinkwithmyhead.myracingheartisallthatmakessense.there.rightthereistheansweryou’relookingfor.inmylossofbreath.mylackofwords.mysilence.myinabilitytospeakmeansyou’vefilledmystomachwithsomanybutterfliesthatevenifthisisamistake.itcouldonlyberighttobethiswrongwithyou.
amanwhocries
-agift
ifi’mgoingtosharemylifewithapartneritwouldbefoolishnottoaskmyselftwentyyearsfromnowisthispersongoingtobesomeoneistilllaughwithoramijustdistractedbytheircharmdoiseeusevolvingintonewpeoplebythedecadeordoesthegrowingevercometoapauseidon’twanttobedistractedbythelooksorthemoneyiwanttoknowiftheypullthebestortheworstoutofmedeepatthecoreareourvaluesthesameinthirtyyearswillwestilljumpintobedlikewe’retwentycanipictureusinoldageconqueringtheworldlikewe’vegotyoungbloodrunninginourveins
-checklist
whatisitwithyouandsunflowersheasksipointtothefieldofyellowoutsidesunflowersworshipthesunitellhimonlywhenitarrivesdotheyrisewhenthesunleavestheybowtheirheadsinmourningthatiswhatthesundoestothoseflowersit’swhatyoudotome
-thesunandherflowers
sometimesistopmyselffromsayingthewordsoutloudasifleavingmymouthtoooftenmightwearthemdown
-iloveyou
themostimportantconversationswe’llhavearewithourfingerswhenyoursnervouslygrazemineforthefirsttimeduringdinnerthey’lltightenwithfearwhenyouasktoseemeagainnextweekbutassoonasisayyesthey’llstretchoutineasewhentheygrasponeanotherwhilewe’rebeneaththesheetsthetwoofuswillpretendwe’renotweakinthekneeswhenigetangrythey’llpulsewithbittercriesbutwhentheytrembleforforgivenessyou’llseewhatapologieslooklikeandwhenoneofusisdyingonahospitalbedateighty-fiveyourfingerswillgripminetosaythingswordscan’tdescribe-fingers
thismorningitoldtheflowerswhati’ddoforyouandtheyblossomed
thereisnoplaceiendandyoubeginwhenyourbodyisinmybodyweareoneperson
-sex
ifihadtowalktogettoyouitwouldtakeeighthundredandtwenty-sixhoursonbaddaysithinkaboutitwhatimightdoiftheapocalypsecomesandtheplanesstopflyingthereissomuchtimetothinksomuchemptyspacewantingtobeconsumedbutnointimacyaroundtoconsumeititfeelslikebeingstuckatatrainstationwaitingandwaitingandwaitingfortheonewithyournameonitwhenthemoonrisesonthiscoastbutthesunstillburnsshamelesslyonyoursicrumbleknowingevenourskiesaredifferentwehavebeentogethersolongbuthavewereallybeentogetherifyourtouchhasnotheldmelongenoughtoimprintitselfonmyskinitrymyhardesttostaypresentbutwithoutyouhere
everythingatitsbest
isonlymediocre
-longdistance
iammadeofwaterofcourseiamemotional
theyshouldfeellikehomeaplacethatgroundsyourlifewhereyougototakethedayoff
-theone
themoonisresponsibleforpullingtidesoutofstillwaterdarlingiamthestillwaterandyouarethemoon
therightonedoesnotstandinyourwaytheymakespaceforyoutostepforward
whenyouarefullandiamfullwearetwosuns
yourvoicedoestomewhatautumndoestotreesyoucalltosayhelloandmyclothesfallnaturally
togetherweareanendlessconversation
whendeathtakesmyhandiwillholdyouwiththeotherandpromisetofindyouineverylifetime
-commitment
itwasasthoughsomeonehadslidicecubesdownthebackofmyshirt
-orgasm
youhavebeeninsidemebefore
-anotherlifetime
godmusthavekneadedyouandifromthesamedoughrolledusoutasoneonthebakingsheetmusthavesuddenlyrealizedhowunfairitwastoputthatmuchmagicinonepersonandsadlysplitthatdoughintwohowelseisitthatwhenilookinthemirroriamlookingatyou
whenyoubreathemyownlungsfillwithairthatwejustmetbutwehaveknowneachotherourwholelivesifwewerenotmadeasonetobeginwith-oursoulsaremirrors
tobetwolegsononebody
-arelationship
youmusthaveahoneycombforahearthowelsecouldamanbethissweet
ifyougotanymorebeautifulthesunwouldleaveitsplaceandcomeforyou
-thechase
ithasbeenoneofthegreatestandmostdifficultyearsofmylife.ilearnedeverythingistemporary.moments.feelings.people.flowers.ilearnedloveisaboutgiving.everything.andlettingithurt.ilearnedvulnerabilityisalwaystherightchoicebecauseitiseasytobecoldinaworldthatmakesitsoverydifficulttoremainsoft.ilearnedallthingscomeintwos.lifeanddeath.painandjoy.saltandsugar.meandyou.itisthebalanceoftheuniverse.ithasbeentheyearofhurtingsobadbutlivingsogood.makingfriendsoutofstrangers.makingstrangersoutoffriends.learningmintchocolatechipicecreamwillfixjustabouteverything.andforthepainsitcan’ttherewillalwaysbemymother’sarms.wemustlearntofocusonwarmenergy.always.soakourlimbsinitandbecomebetterloverstotheworld.forifwecan’tlearntobekindtoeachotherhowwillweeverlearntobekindtothemostdesperatepartsofourselves.
theuniversetookitstimeonyoucraftedyoutooffertheworldsomethingdifferentfromeveryoneelsewhenyoudoubthowyouwerecreatedyoudoubtanenergygreaterthanusboth
-irreplaceable
whenthefirstwomanspreadherlegstoletthefirstmaninwhatdidheseewhensheledhimdownthehallwaytowardthesacredroomwhatsatwaitingwhatshookhimsodeeplythatallconfidenceshatteredfromthenon
thefirstmanwatchedthefirstwomaneverynightanddaybuiltacagetokeepherinsoshecouldsinnomorehesetfiretoherbookscalledherwitchandshoutedwhoreuntiltheeveningcamewhenhistiredeyesbetrayedhimthefirstwomannoticeditasheunwillinglyfellasleepthequiethummingthedrummingaknockingbetweenherlegsadoorbell
avoice
apulseaskinghertoopenupandoffherhandwentrunningdownthehalltowardthesacredroomshefound
godthemagician’swandthesnake’stonguesittinginsidehersmiling-whenthefirstwomandrewmagicwithherfingers
iwillnolongercomparemypathtoothers
-irefusetodoadisservicetomylife
iamtheproductofalltheancestorsgettingtogetheranddecidingthesestoriesneedtobetold
manytriedbutfailedtocatchmeiamtheghostofghostseverywhereandnowhereiammagictrickswithinmagicwithinmagicnonehavefiguredoutiamaworldwrappedinworldsfoldedinsunsandmoonsyoucantrybutyouwon’tgetthosehandsonme
uponmybirthmymothersaidthereisgodinyoucanyoufeelherdancing
(odetomatisse’sdance)
asafatherofthreedaughtersitwouldhavebeennormalforhimtopushmarriageonusthishasbeenthenarrativeforthewomeninmycultureforhundredsofyearsinsteadhepushededucationknowingitwouldsetusfreeinaworldthatwantedtocontainushemadesurethatwelearnedtowalkindependently
therearefartoomanymouthsherebutnotenoughofthemareworthwhatyou’reofferinggiveyourselftoafewandtothosefewgiveheavily
-investintherightpeople
iamoftheearthandtotheearthishallreturnoncemorelifeanddeathareoldfriendsandiamtheconversationbetweenthemiamtheirlate-nightchattertheirlaughterandtearswhatistheretobeafraidofifiamthegifttheygivetoeachotherthisplaceneverbelongedtomeanywayihavealwaysbeentheirs
tohateisaneasylazythingbuttolovetakesstrengtheveryonehasbutnotallarewillingtopractice
beautifulbrowngirlyourthickhairisaminkcoatnotallcanaffordbeautifulbrowngirl
youhatethehyperpigmentationbutyourskincan’thelpcarryingasmuchsunaspossibleyouareamagnetforthelightunibrow—thebridgingoftwoworldsvagina—somuchdarkerthantherestofyoucauseitistryingtohideagoldmineyouwillhavedarkcirclestooearly—appreciatethehalosbeautifulbrowngirlyoupullgodoutoftheirbellies
lookdownatyourbodywhisperthereisnohomelikeyou
-thankyou
learningtonotenvysomeoneelse’sblessingsiswhatgracelookslike
iamthefirstwomaninmylineagewithfreedomofchoice.tocraftherfuturewhicheverwayichoose.saywhatisonmymindwheniwantto.withoutthewhipofthelash.therearehundredsoffirstsiamthankfulfor.thatmymotherandhermotherandhermotherdidnothavetheprivilegeoffeeling.whatanhonor.tobethefirstwomaninthefamilywhogetstotasteherdesires.nowonderiamstarvingtofilluponthislife.ihavegenerationsofbelliestoeatfor.thegrandmothersmustbehowlingwithlaughter.huddledaroundamudstoveintheafterlife.sippingonsteamingglassesofmilkymasalachai.howwilditmustbeforthemtoseeoneoftheirownlivingsoboldly.
(odetoamritasher-gil’svillagescene1938)
trustyourbodyitreactstorightandwrongbetterthanyourminddoes
-itisspeakingtoyou
istandonthesacrificesofamillionwomenbeforemethinkingwhatcanidotomakethismountaintallersothewomenaftermecanseefarther
-legacy
whenigofromthisplacedresstheporchwithgarlandsasyouwouldforaweddingmydearpullthepeoplefromtheirhomesanddanceinthestreetswhendeatharriveslikeabrideattheaislesendmeoffinmybrightestclothingserveicecreamwithrosepetalstoourgueststhere’snoreasontocrymydearihavewaitedmywholelifeforsuchabeautytotakemybreathaway
whenigoletitbeacelebrationforihavebeenhere
ihavelivedihavewonatthisgamecalledlife-funeral
itwaswhenistoppedsearchingforhomewithinothersandliftedthefoundationsofhomewithinmyselfifoundtherewerenorootsmoreintimatethanthosebetweenamindandbodythathavedecidedtobewhole
whatgoodamiifidonotfilltheplatesoftheoneswhofedmebutfilltheplatesofstrangers
-family
evenifthey’vebeenseparatedthey’llenduptogetheryoucan’tkeeploversapartnomatterhowmuchipluckandpullthemmyeyebrowsalwaysfindtheirwaybacktoeachother
-unibrow
achildandaneldersatacrossfromeachotheratatableacupofmilkandteabeforethemtheelderaskedthechildifshewasenjoyingherlifethechildansweredyes
lifewasgoodbutshecouldn’twaittogrowupanddogrown-upthingsthenthechildaskedtheelderthesamequestionhetoosaidlifewasgoodbuthe’dgiveanythingtogobacktoanagewheremovinganddreamingwerestillpossibilitiestheybothtookasipfromtheircupsbutthechild’smilkhadcurdledtheelder’steahadgrownbitterthereweretearsrunningfromtheireyes
thedayyouhaveeverythingihopeyourememberwhenyouhadnothing
sheisnotaporncategoryorthetypeyoulookforonafridaynightsheisnotneedyoreasyorweak
-daddyissuesisnotapunchline
ilongtobealilypad
imadechangeafterchangeontheroadtoperfectionbutwhenifinallyfeltbeautifulenoughtheirdefinitionofbeautysuddenlychanged
whatifthereisnofinishlineandinanattempttokeepupilosethegiftsiwasbornwithforabeautysoinsecureitcan’tcommittoitself-theliestheysell
youwanttokeepthebloodandthemilkhiddenasifthewombandbreastneverfedyou
itisatrillion-dollarindustrythatwouldcollapseifwebelievedwewerebeautifulenoughalready
theirconceptofbeautyismanufacturediamnot
-human
howdoishakethisenvywheniseeyoudoingwellsisterhowdoilovemyselfenoughtoknowyouraccomplishmentsarenotmyfailures
-wearenoteachother’scompetition
itisablessingtobethecolorofearthdoyouknowhowoftenflowersconfusemeforhome
weneedmorelovenotfrommenbutfromourselvesandeachother
-medicine
youareamirrorifyoucontinuetostarveyourselfofloveyou’llonlymeetpeoplewho’llstarveyoutooifyousoakyourselfinlovetheuniversewillhandyouthosewho’llloveyoutoo
-asimplemath
howmuchorhowlittleclothingshehasonhasnothingtodowithhowfreesheis
-covered|uncovered
therearemountainsgrowingbeneathourfeetthatcannotbecontainedallwe’veenduredhaspreparedusforthisbringyourhammersandfistswehaveaglassceilingtoshatter
-let’sleavethisplaceroofless
itisn’tbloodthatmakesyoumysisterit’showyouunderstandmyheartasthoughyoucarryitinyourbody
whatisthegreatestlessonawomanshouldlearn
thatsincedayoneshe’salreadyhadeverythingsheneedswithinherselfit’stheworldthatconvincedhershedidnot
theyconvincedmeionlyhadafewgoodyearsleftbeforeiwasreplacedbyagirlyoungerthanmeasthoughmenyieldpowerwithagebutwomengrowintoirrelevancetheycankeeptheirliesforihavejustgottenstartedifeelasthoughijustleftthewombmytwentiesarethewarm-upforwhati’mreallyabouttodowaittillyouseemeinmythirtiesnowthatwillbeaproperintroductiontothenasty.wild.womaninme.howcanileavebeforetheparty’sstartedrehearsalsbeginatfortyiripenwithageidonotcomewithanexpirationdateandnow
forthemainevent
curtainsupatfiftylet’sbegintheshow
-timeless
tohealyouhavetogettotherootofthewoundandkissitallthewayup
theythrewusinapittoendeachothersotheywouldn’thavetostarvedusofspacesolongwehadtoeateachotheruptostayalivelookuplookuplookuptocatchthemlookingdownatushowcanwecompetewitheachotherwhentherealmonsteristoobigtotakedownalone
whenmydaughterislivinginmybellyiwillspeaktoherlikeshe’salreadychangedtheworldshewillwalkoutofmeonaredcarpetfullyequippedwiththeknowledgethatshe’scapableofanythingshesetshermindto
(odetoraymonddouillet’sashorttourandfarewell)
nowisnotthetimetobequietormakeroomforyouwhenwehavehadnoroomatallnowisourtimetobemouthygetasloudasweneedtobeheard
representationisvitalotherwisethebutterflysurroundedbyagroupofmothsunabletoseeitselfwillkeeptryingtobecomethemoth
-representation
takethecomplimentdonotshyawayfromanotherthingthatbelongstoyou
ourworkshouldequipthenextgenerationofwomentooutdousineveryfieldthisisthelegacywe’llleavebehind
-progress
theroadtochangingtheworldisnever-ending
-paceyourself
thenecessitytoprotectyouovercamemeiloveyoutoomuchtoremainquietasyouweepwatchmerisetokissthepoisonoutofyouiwillresistthetemptationofmytiredfeet
andkeepmarchingwithtomorrowinonehandandafistintheotheriwillcarryyoutofreedom-lovelettertotheworld
haveyoureyeseverfallenuponabeastlikemeihavethespineofamulberrytreetheneckofasunflowersometimesiamthedesertattimestherainforestbutalwaysthewildmybellybrimsoverthewaistbandofmypantseachstrandofhairfrizzingoutlikealifelineittookalongtimetobecomesuchasweetrebellionbackthenirefusedtowatermyrootstillirealizedifiamtheonlyonewhocanbethewildernessthenletmebethewildernessthetreetrunkcannotbecomethebranchthejunglecannotbecomethegardensowhyshouldi
-itissofullhereinmyself
manytrybutcannottellthedifferencebetweenamarigoldandmyskinbothofthemareanorangesunblindingtheoneswhohavenotlearnedtolovethelight
ifyouhaveneverstoodwiththeoppressedthereisstilltime
-liftthem
theyearisdone.ispreadthepastthreehundredsixty-fivedaysbeforemeonthelivingroomcarpet.
hereisthemonthidecidedtoshedeverythingnotdeeplycommittedtomydreams.thedayirefusedtobeavictimtotheself-pity.hereistheweekisleptinthegarden.thespringiwrungtheself-doubtbyitsneck.hungyourkindnessup.tookdownthecalendar.theweekidancedsohardmyheartlearnedtofloatabovewateragain.thesummeriunscrewedallthemirrorsfromtheirwalls.nolongerneededtoseemyselftofeelseen.combedtheweightoutofmyhair.
ifoldthegooddaysupandplacetheminmybackpocketforsafekeeping.drawthematch.crematetheunnecessary.thelightofthefirewarmsmytoes.ipourmyselfaglassofwarmwatertocleansemyselfforjanuary.hereigo.strongerandwiserintothenew.
thereisnothinglefttoworryaboutthesunandherflowersarehere.
andthentherearedayswhenthesimpleactofbreathingleavesyouexhausted.itseemseasiertogiveuponthislife.thethoughtofdisappearingbringsyoupeace.forsolongiwaslostinaplacewheretherewasnosun.wheretheregrewnoflowers.buteveryonceinawhileoutofthedarknesssomethingilovedwouldemergeandbringmetolifeagain.witnessingastarrysky.thelightnessoflaughingwitholdfriends.areaderwhotoldmethepoemshadsavedtheirlife.yetthereiwasstrugglingtosavemyown.mydarlings.livingisdifficult.itisdifficultforeverybody.anditisatthatmomentwhenlivingfeelslikecrawlingthroughapin-sizedhole.thatwemustresisttheurgeofsuccumbingtobadmemories.refusetobowbeforebadmonthsorbadyears.causeoureyesarestarvingtofeastonthisworld.therearesomanyturquoisebodiesofwaterleftforustodivein.thereisfamily.bloodorchosen.thepossibilityoffallinginlove.withpeopleandplaces.hillshighasthemoon.valleysthatrollintonewworlds.androadtrips.ifinditdeeplyimportanttoacceptthatwearenotthemastersofthisplace.wearehervisitors.andlikeguestslet’senjoythisplacelikeagarden.letustreatitwithagentlehand.sotheonesafteruscanexperienceittoo.let’sfindourownsun.growourownflowers.theuniversedelivereduswiththelightandtheseeds.wemightnothearitattimesbutthemusicisalwayson.itjustneedstobeturnedlouder.foraslongasthereisbreathinourlungs—wemustkeepdancing.
rupikaurisa#1newyorktimesbestsellingauthorandillustratoroftwocollectionsofpoetry.shestarteddrawingattheageoffivewhenhermotherhandedherapaintbrushandsaid—drawyourheartout.rupiviewsherlifeasanexplorationofthatartisticjourney.aftercompletingherdegreeinrhetoricstudiesshepublishedherfirstcollectionofpoemsmilkandhoneyin2014.theinternationallyacclaimedcollectionsoldwelloveramillioncopiesgracingthenewyorktimesbestsellerlisteveryweekforoverayear.ithassincebeentranslatedintooverthirtylanguages.herlong-awaitedsecondcollectionthesunandherflowerswaspublishedin2017.throughthiscollectionshecontinuestoexploreavarietyofthemesrangingfromlove.loss.trauma.healing.femininity.migration.revolution.rupihasperformedherpoetryacrosstheworld.herphotographyandartdirectionarewarmlyembracedandshehopestocontinuethisexpressionforyearstocome.
-abouttheauthor
thesunandherflowersisacollectionofpoetryaboutgriefself-abandonmenthonoringone’srootsloveandempoweringoneselfitissplitintofivechapterswilting.falling.rooting.rising.andblooming.
-aboutthebook