The Simpson's Inferno

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The beginning three minutes is about how the car got lost. To be written later. EXT SCHOOLYARD – DAY BART and MILHOUSE and hanging out in front of the school. MILHOUSE Gee Bart, what are you doing here this early. You hate school. BART Homer had to have the car. MILHOUSE I thought you guys had two cars. BART We do, we just need to find our other car. The BELL rings and the children file into the school. INT MRS. KRABAPPLE’S ROOM – DAY The kids come filling in sit at their desks still talking about random stuff. Mrs Krabapple is sitting at her desk with two aspirin in her hand. She pops the pills and downs them with a cup of coffee. Mrs. Krabapple stands and addresses the class. MRS KRABAPPLE Simmer down class, Simmer down. Today we have a special treat. Springfield elementary is fortunate enough to have visiting foreign exchange students. These are students from colleges in Japan, Italy, Ireland, and Africa. Everyone, I would like to introduce to you Yushiko.

description

Bart visits Dante's Inferno.

Transcript of The Simpson's Inferno

Page 1: The Simpson's Inferno

The beginning three minutes is about how the car got lost. To be written later.

EXT SCHOOLYARD – DAY

BART and MILHOUSE and hanging out in front of the school.

MILHOUSEGee Bart, what are you doing here this early. You hate school.

BARTHomer had to have the car.

MILHOUSEI thought you guys had two cars.

BARTWe do, we just need to find our other car.

The BELL rings and the children file into the school.

INT MRS. KRABAPPLE’S ROOM – DAY

The kids come filling in sit at their desks still talking about random stuff. Mrs Krabapple is sitting at her desk with two aspirin in her hand. She pops the pills and downs them with a cup of coffee.

Mrs. Krabapple stands and addresses the class.

MRS KRABAPPLESimmer down class, Simmer down. Today we have a special treat. Springfield elementary is fortunate enough to have visiting foreign exchange students. These are students from colleges in Japan, Italy, Ireland, and Africa. Everyone, I would like to introduce to you Yushiko.

The door opens and Milhouse fixates on the woman who walks in. She walks in quietly and takes her place in front of the chalk board.

YUSHIKOGood morning Springfield elementary fourth grade class. My name is

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Yushiko and I will be teaching you the art of-

Yushiko explodes into motion. She whirls, grabs a piece of chalk and, with slashing motions writes the Kanji for Calligraphy on the board. She turns back to the class dramatically.

YUSHIKOJapanese calligraphy.

INT MRS KRABAPPLE’S CLASS – LATER

The kids are all working on kanji at their desks. Yushiko walks up and down the rows correcting a student here, praising a student there.

She stops at Bart’s desk and watches him for a moment.

YUSHIKOSimpson san, you have very quick brush strokes. Very good.

MILHOUSEWhat about mine.

Yushiko looks at Milhouse’s work.

YUSHIKOMilhouse san, you are too heavy with your brush. Make light strokes, until you mean for your force to show.

She puts her hand over his and guides his brushwork. Then she is gone and Milhouse stares longingly after her.

EXT SCHOOLYARD – RECESS

Bart and Milhouse are in the outfield for a kickball game. Milhouse is watching Yushiko in the other team’s dugout, instead of paying attention to the game.

MILHOUSEIsn’t she a doll?

BARTA doll?

MILHOUSEAnd her voice, it’s music.

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BARTCome on Milhouse. You’ve been spouting gibberish like that all day. Either go talk to her, or snap out of it.

MILHOUSEI could never talk to her.

BARTWhy not?

MILHOUSEBecause then everyone would know that I like her. I don’t think that I could handle that.

The ball gets kicked high into the outfield. It is headed towards Milhouse, but he isn’t even looking at it. Bart tries to get Milhouses attention, then runs and dives to catch the ball.

Bart barely missed catching the ball. He ends up getting dirty and the other team scores some runs.

BARTAlright, I’ve had it.(yelling so everyone can hear.)Hey Yushiko. Milhouse said that if you kick the ball to him he’ll drop it to show you how much he loves you.

All the students draw in a collective breath and burst out laughing.

Milhouse looks stricken. Then he zeroes in on Bart. His rage boils over. He screams and runs after Bart.

BARTUh oh.

Bart runs.

EXT SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY LIBRARY

Bart runs around the corner.

BARTWhere would Milhouse never look for me?

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He looks left and right and then bolts into the library. There is a sign above the door that reads:

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate

INT LIBRARY

Bart rushes in the doors, past the desk where the librarian is asleep, and into the stacks.

Bart is looking over his shoulder and slams into a book case. A book falls off the top shelf straight for Bart’s head.

A hand snakes out of the air and catches the book. Bart looks up at NED FLANDERS dressed in a white robe.

NEDHi-Diddly-ho there Bart. What brings you lamenting to the Library.

Ned places the book back on the shelf.

BARTI’m hiding.

NEDFrom what?

BARTMilhouse.

NEDHo, a little game of hide-and-go-seek huh?

BARTSomething like that. If Milhouse catches me I’m toast.

NEDIt couldn’t be that bad.

BARTWell, it involves a girl. Milhouse had a secret crush on this foreign exchange student. I kind of blabbed it to… well, everyone.

NED

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I think that maybe you should come with me.

Ned leads Bart deeper into the stacks. He reaches up and grabs a book, Snow Crash, and tugs it. It triggers a trap door that opens in the wall. A dark stairway proceeds down. Above the doorway is the sign:

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

INT HELL’S STAIRWAY

BARTCool, a secret path in the library. Where are we going?

NEDH-E Double hockey sticks.

Bart screams and runs back up the stairs, but the door has closed behind him.

NEDRelax Bart. Stick with me young Simpson and everything will turn out ab-sadiddly-A-OK.

Ned guides Bart down the stairway. Torches light the wall every thirty feet or so. The stairway ends and opens up on the shore of the river Acheron.

The river stretches away into the darkness on both sides, and is so wide that the other side can’t be seen.

BARTWhoa! This is hell?

NEDWell, almost. This is what I like to call the jogging track.

As Ned is speaking RAINIER WOLFCASTLE comes running along the river bank. He is carrying a large flag. Rainier stops next to Bart and Ned.

RAINIER WOLFCASTLEAre you more girly-men here to try and catch the flag?

NED

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No, I am just taking Bart on a tour of the nether world.

BARTRainier Wolfcastle, whoa. What are you being punished for?

RAINIER WOLFCASTLENo one punishes me. I am the punisher. These shrimpy whiners have to try and capture the flag, but they can not catch Rainier.

Rainier goes running off with the flag as a crowd of people including, MARGE, KENT BROCKMAN, DR. HIBERT, CARL and LENNY, run after him. Behind them is a swarm of wasps and the BUMBLEBEE MAN.

BARTWhat’s that all about?

NEDAs Mr. Wolfcastle said, these are the opportunists. They worked for neither good nor evil in life. They had no one they followed in life so now they eternally follow.

BARTWhat happens if they catch the flag?

NEDI don’t know. No one’s ever asked that, before. It’s never happened.

Rainier comes running back the other way. As he passes Bart sticks out his foot and trips Troy.

Before Troy can get up the crowd catches him and grabs the flag in victory.

MARGEWe’ve got it. We caught the flag.

CARLHoora.

LENNY.Uh, now what?

The wasps catch up with them and begin stinging everyone.

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NEDWe’d better skidaddle.

Bart and Ned slink away.

NEDIt’s time to cross the river so that you may see the circles of Hades.

BARTHow do we get across?

NEDBehold.

Ned points out across the water. In the gloom a small boat appears. It is being propelled along by what looks like a skeletal figure in a hooded robe.

The boat grounds ashore and the robed figure looks at Bart.

APUWho are you and what do you want with my boat?

The figure pulls back the hood to reveal APU. He isn’t actually skeletal. He is wearing a shirt that has a skeletal arms drawn on the sleeves.

NEDI must take this young one through the nine circles in the hopes that it will change his ways.

APUWhere is his toll?

NEDHe has none.

APUAlways with the burying of people without the toll. I have a family to feed you know. Nine kids and they all want to eat.

BARTI have my lunch money.

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NEDHe’s not dead though.

APUThat is most unfortunate. I suppose I can take you across, but I won’t be doing this all the time.

Ned and Bart get in the boat and Apu poles them across the river.

BARTWhat now?

NEDYou faint until we get to the other side.

BARTWhy?

NEDThat’s what Dante does.

BARTOh.

Bart faints.

APUThank goodness.

Apu pulls out a small outboard motor and attaches it to the back of the boat. He starts it up and the boat cruises while he sits with Ned.

APUI thought I was going to have to push the whole way across.

Bart wakes up as they reach the other side. Ned and Bart jump out onto the shore.

APUNext time don’t forget the toll.

BARTI’ll make sure that when I die they bury me with double.

APU

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Oh, that is most kind of you. Thank you, come again.

Bart and Ned come to a gate and pass through.

INT FIRST CIRCLE OF HELL

Bart looks around the first circle of Hell. A lot of people mope about. Some cry, others stare at the wall.

BARTWhere are we now?

NEDThis is the first circle, Limbo. These are the unbaptized and the ones that didn’t pay proper homage to their respective deity. They are left to mourn their separation from God for eternity.

BARTNo punishment?

NEDNot hanging out with the big numero uno is a terrible punishment, but nothing is added. They didn’t willfully do wrong.

BARTOh. So I wouldn’t end up here.

NEDYou bet your britches not.

BARTWhere would I go?

NEDWe’ll get there. Follow me.

They come to another gate. At this gate there is a large chair. On the chair rest MAGGIE. A line of people including RALPH, MRS. LOVEJOY, MOE, and others waits.

NEDHere is where those entering the deeper circles are judged and sentenced.

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Ralph steps up to Maggie. She gives her pacifier five sucks.

Ralph looks at Bart.

RALPHYay, I’m going for a swim.

Two little demons show up and guide Ralph away.

RALPHAre you the life guards?

INT SECOND CIRCLE OF HELL

Bart and Ned pass through the gate. All around them a massive storm blows, but it doesn’t touch them. Several characters are tossed about by the wind. Milhouse, Mrs. Krabapple, and MR. SKINNER are among them.

BARTWho Skinner’s here. And, Milhouse.

Milhouse is blown by Bart. He reaches out and starts strangling Bart.

MILHOUSEYou dirty-

BARTHow come you’re here?

MILHOUSEThis is the circle for the lustful. I always had a thing for Lisa.

BARTThat’s my sister man.

Bart knocks Milhouse’s hands away and he drifts away.

MILHOUSEI’ll get you.

MR. SMITHERS is blown into Bart.

BARTMr. Smithers. You know what, I don’t want to know.

NED

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Good idea. Let’s move on.

Bart and Ned move to the gate that leads into the third circle of Hell. Santa’s Little Helper is lying in front of the gate, except he is the size of a bus and has three heads.

NEDWe have to be careful passing into the next circle. The guardian Cerberus is one mean-

BARTThat’s Santa’s Little Helper. He wouldn’t hurt me.

Santa’s Little Helper perks up as they get nearer. He snarls and growls.

BARTWhat’s the matter boy?

Santa’s Little Helper barks at Bart.

Ned reaches into his cloak and pulls out a handful of slimy dirt. As Santa’s Little Helper barks again Ned throws the dirt at Santa’s Little Helper. Santa’s Little Helper snaps the dirt and swallows it.

Each head gets nauseous. Santa’s Little Helper staggers around and finally all three heads vomit.

BARTWhat did you do to him?

NEDQuick, through the gate and I’ll show you.

INT THIRD CIRCLE OF HELL

Bart and Ned step through the gate and find themselves standing atop snow. All around them a vile black slushy snow falls. Ned Pulls out an umbrella that they take shelter under.

Ned digs up some slimy, vile dirt and puts it in the pocket of his cloak.

NEDThis is the only way that you can get past Cerberus. You have to have

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been here before. The third circle reserved, for the gluttons.

Out in the vile slush the COMIC BOOK GUY and HOMER are languishing. A doughnut falls out of the sky and lands on the slush equally distant from both.

Homer and the CBG half-swim half-flop through the slush to the doughnut. They are both reaching for it at the same time when a hand snatches it out of the snow.

CHIEF WIGGUM laughs and holds the doughnut up triumphantly.

CHIEF WIGGUMVictory is mine.

The doughnut crumbles to slushy nastiness in his hand.

Homer let’s out an annoyed grunt.

CBGWorst punishment ever.

Bart gathers up a slush ball and hits homer in the back of the head with it.

HOMERWhy you.

Homer grabs Bart and chokes him. A doughnut appears behind Bart. Homer sees it, lets go of Bart, and heads after the doughnut.

Ned guides Bart to the next gate. Behind them they hear Homers annoyed grunt again.

BARTWhat’s the next circle?

NEDThe next circle is for all those that sought after material things. These people found their meaning in what they had and how much of it they had.

Ned pushes open the gate for Bart.

INT FOURTH CIRCLE OF HELL

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There are huge boulders strewn all about the rocky, dry landscape. Here people push these huge boulders up a hill, constantly ramming each other off the top.

KRUSTY is almost at the top of the hill with his boulder when MAYOR QUIMBY smashes his boulder into Krusty’s and they both go bouncing away in different directions. Both sigh and head off after their boulders.

BARTWhat’s Krusty doing here? Isn’t he Jewish? Shouldn’t he go to heaven?

NEDNot when his yacht was more important to him than the Torah.

They walk through the circle. They come to a huge boulder that MR. BURNS is trying to push.

Mr. Burns’s arms quiver with all the effort he is putting into pushing his boulder. The boulder moves several inches.

MR. BURNSHaha, I’ll get you to the top yet.

Mr. Burns looks down and sees that it is his feet that have slid back. The boulder hasn’t moved at all. Mr. Burns turns his back to the boulder and tries to push it that way.

BARTI get it. The size of the boulder indicates how much stuff they had in life.

NEDClose, but no bubblegum cigaroony. The size of the boulder reflects the amount of immaterial things that they forsook in life to earn their material wealth. Push one.

Bart pushes a boulder and it moves easily.

NEDThe immaterial is easy for the living to push aside. It has no weight until it’s too late.

INT FIFTH CIRCLE OF HELL

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The marsh-river Styx spans this circle of Hell. There are some people standing in the shallows and others gurgling beneath the surface. NELSON, JIMBO JONES, DOLPH and KEARNY are all wailing on each other in a first rate brawl.

People get thrown, punched, kicked, poked in the eye, splashed in the face with water and mud, bitten and any other malevolence one can think of.

Ned and Bart enter through the gate.

NEDThis fifth circle contains the wrathful. They are caught in the mud of the marsh as they were caught in their anger in life. After they have fought for an eternity they should be too tired to be angry.

The water next to the brawl begins to churn. A great muddy beast breaks out of the water. Mud dropping of in great globs reveals GROUNDSKEEPER WILLY.

GROUNDSKEEPER WILLYYou call that a fight. Giving each other pats on the back is more like it. Let old Willy show you how it’s done.

Groundskeeper Willy bashes his way into the fray with a rake.

Ned leads Bart along the shore. They head for a large lighthouse.

BARTHow many of these circles are there?

NEDNine.

BARTWe’re over halfway through and you still haven’t shown me which one would be mine.

NEDAll in good time.

They reach the lighthouse. Ned knocks on the door.

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MOE SZYSLAK (O.C.)What? What do you want?

NEDTwo travelers who need passage across the river.

MOE (O.C.)A gee, can’t it wait?

MOE SZYSLAK opens the door and pokes his head out.

MOENed Flanders. What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be schmoozing with the man upstairs? Oh, hiya Bart.

NEDI need to take Bart further in.

MOEA good kid like that, you gotta have your wires crossed. Hold on, let me get my coat.

Moe shuts the door.

BARTNed, do you have a cell phone?

NEDJust got it last week.

Bart dials a number.

INT LIGHTHOUSE

The interior of the lighthouse looks exactly the same as Moe’s tavern – in fact it is. Moe is pulling on his jacket.

MOEHey guys, I got to run a quick errand. Look after the place for me will you.

BARNEY Burps.

BARNEY

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Mey Moe, where do you go on these errands? You always go through that door and I’ve never seen-

Moe places another beer in front of Barney.

MOEThere you go big lug. Don’t worry about Moe’s errands ok.

BARNEYAw Moe, you shouldn’t have.

MOEDon’t worry, it’s going on your tab.

The phone RINGS. Moe answers.

MOEMoe’s Tavern.

BART (O.C.)Yes, my wife should be there, could you put her on for me?

MOEWhat’s her name?

BART (O.C.)Coppafeel. First name Wana.

MOEI’ll check.

There is a lady in the bar.

MOEHey, hey Mrs? Mrs. Coppafeel.

LADYExcuse me.

MOEYou Wana Coppafeel?

The lady slaps Moe.

MOEWait a minute.

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EXT LIGHTHOUSE

Bart laughs.

MOE(Over the phone)Whoever you are, when I catch you I’m gonna slow roast you, grind you up, boil your blood and use it to brew a fresh pot of crank caller coffee.

Bart hands the phone back to Ned.

BARTI didn’t know Moe’s tavern led to the underworld.

NEDThere are several way to get here.

Moe exits the lighthouse upset. He hauls his boat into the water.

MOEGet in.(under his breath)Lousy crank callers. Some day. Some day.

Moe is ferrying them across. Bart looks over the side of the boat. He sees people floundering under the water. OTTO drifts by. Ralph drifts by as well.

Moe is ferrying them toward a walled enclosure. Flickering flames can be seen coming from behind the walls.

BARTNow this is more like it.

They get off at the dock, wave goodbye to Moe, and pass through the gate.

INT SIXTH CIRCLE OF HELL

This circle of hell contains hundreds of coffins that are on fire. People are sitting or lying in the coffins.

BARTWho gets this punishment?

NED

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The heretics.

MARTIN sits up in his coffin.

MARTINAnd just as Netzche said, “God is dead.”

The flames engulfing his coffin flare up brighter and hotter.

A coffin on wheels rolls by Ned and Bart. In the coffin is STEVEN HAWKING.

STEVEN HAWKINGAll we must do is find that one unifying force. Everything can be explained with an equation.

Ned walks with Bart until they come to a coffin with LISA in it.

BARTWhoa, Lis’.

LISABart, what am I doing here.

BARTRemember when you fought the whole town about the angel?

LISABut, I was right. It wasn’t an angel. It was a publicity stunt for a new shopping center.

BARTMaybe it would have been real if you had believed.

LISAThat’s just absurd.

BARTHey, you’re the one who’s in hell.

NEDLet’s go Bart. Still more to see.

INT SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL

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Bart and Ned cross over into the seventh circle. There are three different areas here: the lake of boiling blood, the thorn bushes, and the burning desert.

Nelson, Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearny are each submerged to their necks in the boiling blood.

BARTI thought you guys were back in the fifth circle?

JIMBOYeah, we pulled double duty.

BARTWell if you guys did, where’s Willy?

Jimbo points to a bunch of bubbles in the blood. Faint, garbled cursing bubbles up.

Nelson points.

NELSONHa ha.

Jimbo splashes Nelson.

JIMBODon’t be cruel man.

Nelson splashes him back, which hits the others and they fall into another first rate brawl, submerging.

Bart edges away from the lake of blood. He gets poked by one of the thorn bushes, turns and breaks a branch off. The bush comes to life.

BUSHHey, yow, what’s you do that for.

BARTI was just-

BUSHShhh, you’ll draw their attention.

BARTWho’s?

BUSH

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Shh.

In the distance SRIEKING and FLAPPING can be heard approaching.

BUSHToo late.

Two harpies flap over the horizon. As they get closer the resolve into PATTY and SELMA. Each has a cigarette in her mouth. They tear at the bush, complaining about how it interrupted their television show.

Bart and Ned make a hasty retreat. They come to a cliff edge. Below clouds obscure the bottom.

BARTI can’t climb down this.

NEDWe don’t have to.

Ned whistles and a giant, winged scorpion with the face of DR. HIBERT scuttles up the cliff face.

NEDTwo for the eighth circle.

DR. HIBERTTwo for the eighth circle. Hop on.

Ned and Bart get on. Dr. Hibert spreads his wings and hops off the edge of the cliff.

INT EIGHTH CIRCLE OF HELL

Dr. Hibert lands on a large area from which stone bridges span over ten separate pits. Once Bart and Ned get off his back Dr. Hibert scrambles off into one of the pits.

BARTAre we getting close to what you wanted me to see?

NEDWe are getting very close. We just have to cross these stone bridges and enter the ninth circle.

BARTWho are in these pits?

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NEDThese are all those that are guilty of knowingly doing evil. Fraudulents, liars, hypocrites-

NEDCorrupt politicians.

RICHARD NIXON (O.C.)I am not a crook.

BILL CLINTON (O.C.)Why don’t you just calm down and have a listen.

The sound of a SAXAPHONE can be heard for a second.

NEDAnd, thieves.

Ahead, at the end of the bridges, there is another door. It is ringed with ice. As they get closer Bart’s breath begins to frost in the air as on a cold day.

Ned opens the door and ushers Bart through.

INT NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL

The final circle of hell is an icy wasteland. In the center of hell is a huge three faced, winged Satan. It is chewing on Judas, Brutus and Cassius.

BARTWhoa, Satan. Dude looks trapped.

NEDTrapped by his own anger. With every flap of his wings he keeps the ice frozen.

BARTSo what’s this circle for.

NEDHere are some very special people. Cassius and Brutus.

Each man stops writhing when his name is called and says hello to Bart.

NED

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They are here because the betrayed Julius Caesar.

BRUTUSPerhaps you’ve heard of me, “Et tu Brute?”

BARTWho’s the third guy?

Satan swallows him.

NEDThat was Judas Iscariot.

Judas sticks his hand out of Satan’s mouth.

JUDAS (O.C.)Pleased to make your acquaintance.

BARTSo where to from here?

NEDThis is it, then end. There are no more circles. This is where you belong.

BARTWhat? No.

NEDYou betrayed Milhouse.

BARTI didn’t-

NEDHe trusted you with his feelings for a girl and you blabbed them across the whole school.

BRUTUSZounds, what manner of vile companion thou art. Thy sin makes ours look as naught.

CASSIUSForsooth, we did but render Caesar to the underworld. Never would I

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have disclosed his hearts desire for a lady.

JUDAS (O.C.)Ya jerk.

SATANSinner. It is time for you to enter your eternal punishment.

Satan looms over Bart. Bart tries to run, but he slips on the ice.

BARTHelp.

Bart frantically looks around, but Ned has disappeared.

SATANNom nom nom.

INT LIBRARY

Bart wakes up thrashing.

BARTI’m sorry, I’m sorry! Milhouse!

Bart sees where he is and stops thrashing. “A Divine Comedy” rest on the ground next to Bart.

BARTI’ve got to make this right.

EXT SCHOOLYARD – DAY

Bart bursts out of the Library. The schoolyard is empty.

The BELL RINGS and kids begin pouring out of the school.

BARTMilhouse!

Bart spots Milhouse and runs over to him.

BARTMilhouse, I am so sorry. I betrayed your trust. Can you ever forgive me?

MILHOUSE

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Well, it’s okay Bart. At first I was really mad, but when you disappeared I realized I haven’t gotten this much attention since, ever. Beside, I realize that liking Yushiko was just a fling.

Lisa walks by. Milhouse makes Doe-eyes after her.

MILHOUSEYushiko will be gone in a week, but my angel is here at least until she graduates. Speaking of leaving, where’d you go?

BARTYou wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

INT LIBRARY

The librarian walks through the stacks. She finds “the Divine Comedy” still sitting on the floor.

LIBRARIANI wish there were a circle of hell for people who can’t return a book to its proper place.