7/27/2019 The Q&A

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THE Q&A

Written by

Cody Nelson

7/27/2019 The Q&A

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FADE IN:

INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

The House lights turn on to show a movie theater with a few

PATRONS scattered about. A desk is in front of the seats, anda THEATER EMPLOYEE stands next to it.

THEATER EMPLOYEEAlright, everyone, thanks forsticking around! We hope you allenjoyed the advance screening ofRemnants of a Forgotten Future.

One of the Patrons COUGHS loudly. There is no sense ofexcitement in this room.

THEATER EMPLOYEE (CONTD)

Now its time for the real fun, aQ&A with the director of the film.Everybody welcome Thad Michaels!

A few weak CLAPS are heard as the eclectic-looking THADMICHAELS appears, walks lackadaisically towards the desk,waving to the crowd and sits behind it. Hes dressed like atypical director; ridiculous hat, scarf, all that jazz.

THADIm truly honored, everyone. Ialways knew Birmingham appreciatedart film, but this is such a

humbling experience. Im eager tobreak down the layers of what Ibelieve is my most poignant anddifficult film to date.

A MALE PATRON asks a question from his seat.

MALE PATRONWho are you?

THADThad.

MALE PATRONOh.

THEATER EMPLOYEESo yeah, lets dive right intothis, Thads clearly a busy guy.Theres a microphone right there,just line up with any questions.

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Nobody moves towards the microphone even a little, but thesame PATRON stands up and raises his hand.

THEATER EMPLOYEE (CONTD)(confused)

Yes, you, sir. Do you have a

question?

MALE PATRON(pointing at Thad)

Um, yeah. Whos that guy in thescarf?

The Employee and Thad look at each other, then back at thepatron. Theres an uncomfortable beat.

THADIm Thad Michaels. I directed themovie.

MALE PATRONOh.

THEATER EMPLOYEEUh, is that your only question?

MALE PATRONWell, since you asked, when isSmurfs 2 starting?

The CROWD momentarily rallies behind him.

CROWD(overlapping)

Smurfs/Argo Smurf Yourself/Whoo!

Thad SIGHS loudly and the Employee takes in a big inhale.

THEATER EMPLOYEEIts not. Were doing this Q&A inhere for the next hour or so.

MALE PATRONSo just to be clear, no Smurfs 2?

THEATER EMPLOYEEI dont think that movie is even intheaters anymore.

MALE PATRONYoure not in theaters anymore.Hoho! Come on, boys!

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A majority of the crowd gets up and leaves. This turnout isembarrassing.

THADGuys, dont pull any punches. Thefractured father-son relationship,

the theological undertones, theimportance of the blue sweater inthe second half, nothings offlimits here. This was a verypersonal project.

THEATER EMPLOYEE(pleading)

Somebody has to be curious aboutsomething! I worked so hard to getThad and his film. None of you paidto get in, you realize that, right?I let you all walk in here for

free.

A WOMAN PATRON stands up and raises her hand.

THEATER EMPLOYEE (CONTD)Yes, maam! Please, step up to themicrophone.

She remains standing in the same spot, puts her hand down.

WOMAN PATRONCan you guys hear me okay up there?

The Employee then holds up his mic to her, even offering totoss his to her. She shakes her head no.

WOMAN PATRON (CONTD)Im fine, weve got one over here.

Yet again, no movements are made.

THEATER EMPLOYEEJust--Whats your question?

WOMAN PATRON

Im curious about the language anddialogue of the main characters.

Thad sits up, and a big smile comes across his face.

THADYes, go on!

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WOMAN PATRONWell, why was everyone talking inEuropean?

Thad is visibly crushed by the stupidity of this question. Hethrows his head in his hands, and the Employee pulls out and

lights a cigarette.

THADYou mean French?

WOMAN PATRONCouldve been.

THADIt was set in Paris. Ive livedthere for the past 15 years. Thefilm was my love letter to thecity.

WOMAN PATRONYou shouldve done it in English.

THADDuly noted.

WOMAN PATRONI wouldve done it in English.

She sits back down.

AUDIENCE MEMBER (O.S.)

Smurfs!

THEATER EMPLOYEEThats not a question.

Beat.

AUDIENCE MEMBER (O.S.)Smurfs?

The employee gives a come on hand gesture and look to thecrowd.

THEATER EMPLOYEEOkay, shoot me straight, guys. Doany of you care about this? Orshould we just call it right hereand now?

Another MALE PATRON stands up, but instead of raising hishand, he points at the microphone.

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A smile beams across the Theater Employees face as if to sayyes, you can use that! The man acknowledges this, thenproceeds to raise his hand instead.

THEATER EMPLOYEE (CONTD)Oh, for Christs sake. What?

MALE PATRON 2Yeah, I was wondering about theevolution of the lead femaleJanelle throughout the course ofthe film.

Once again, Thad sits up, takes a sip of his coffee. Thiscould be something.

THADHers were some of the mostconscious decisions I made during

the writing process.

MALE PATRON 2Cause like, shes got the hottesttits during most of the first half,but then you take focus off of thempretty much completely after thetrain scene.

THADYou mean, the scene where the trainderails? Killing Janelle and herentire wedding party?

MALE PATRON 2I think it was around the sametime, yeah.

THADUh--I dont even--

MALE PATRON 2Im just saying, you dressed hersuper frumpy in the funeral at theend, and it really took me out of

it.THAD

It was her funeral--Okay, I thinkwere done here.

MANNow you wait just a goddamn minute!

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A MAN stands up from the crowd, and speed walks up next to,but doesnt use, the microphone.

He has a deep Southern drawl, unkempt facial hair, and (ifpossible) an Alabama Crimson Tide football jersey andcamouflage hat on. Even by the Souths standards, this dudes

a serious HICK.

THADOh, um, hello. Yes, hi. Do you havea question?

HICKYou bet your fairy ass I do. Yougot a lot of nerve bringing yourartsy-schmartsy horseshit roundthese parts. The only thing Frenchabout Bama is our fries and ourblowjobs.

THADIs that a quest--

HICKHey! I aint fucking done talking,Obamacare! How dare you?

THADHow dare I what?

HICK(comically heavy on the

southern accent here)How dare you manipulate depth offrame in the second act to try anddownplay the inherent flaws in thescript. You snooty little Parisianqueers are all the same, with yourlandscape-heavy cinematography,muted color schemes and backlitmonologues. Were not stupid, okay?We saw right through the non-linearnarrative in the flashback scene,and honestly, it all felt pretty

derivative of early Fellini. Ifyoure going to shoehorn in tritesocial commentary on the state ofearly 20th century Europeanfinance, at least have the decencyto use some symbolism instead ofslapping us in the face with themost on-the-nose dialogue sinceDavid Finchers last masterpiece.

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(MORE)

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Christs sake, if I knew you werejust a poor mans Truffaut, Iwouldve gone to watch that midgettake 400 Blows at Bubbas BackyardBoxing Bash instead. Roll Tide.

The crowd goes absolutely batshit insane, RAUCOUSLY ECHOINGthe Hicks sentiment.

CROWD(overlapping)

Roll Tide/Smurfs/USA!

THEATER EMPLOYEEHoly shit.

Thad lets out a few audible GROANS but is incapable ofproducing any other noises or sounds. That just fucked hishead. The Hick begins searching around the theater seats as

Thad slumps deeply into his chair and begins to visibly cry.

HICK(to himself)

Whered I put my fucking chew?

FADE OUT.

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HICK (CONT'D)