The Pulse - Vol. 7, Issue 50

Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative

FREE • News, Views, Music, Film, Arts & Entertainment • December 16, 2010 • Volume 7, Issue 50 • www.chattanoogapulse.com

The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 50 | December 16, 2010 | www.chattanoogapulse.com2

www.chattanoogapulse.com | December 16, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 50 | The Pulse 3

President Jim Brewer, II

Publisher Zachary Cooper

Contributing Editor Janis Hashe

News Editor / Art Director Gary Poole

Director of Sales Rhonda Rollins

Advertising Sales Rick Leavell, Michelle Pih, Townes Webb

Calendar Editors Bryanna Burns, Reginald Owens

Graphic Design Jennifer Grelier

Contributing WritersGustavo Arellano, Rob BrezsnyChuck Crowder, Michael Crumb

John DeVore, Joshua Hurley Matt Jones, Louis Lee

Cody Maxwell, Robert McCrary Ernie Paik, Alex Teach

Editorial Cartoonist Rick Baldwin

Editorial Interns Blake Hampton, Reginald Owens

Contact Info: Phone (423) 265-9494Fax (423) 266-2335

Email [email protected]

Calendar [email protected]

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and clarity. Please keep letters within 300 words in length.

The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on culture, the arts, entertainment and local news.

Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative ContentsDECEMBER

201016

10 HOMELESS DIARIES: VOICES OF THE SILENCED By Cody Maxwell LaDonna Guffey has worked as a caseworker at the Community Kitchen for seven years. In May of this year, she began a writing class for area homeless. Sitting at a round table in the dayroom of the Community Kitchen, Guffey explains what she wanted to see her writing class accomplish.

cover story

news & views 5 PULSE BEATS 7 BEYOND THE HEADLINES17 ON THE BEAT30 LIFE IN THE NOOG35 PUB CRAWLING 38 ASK A MEXICAN

feature stories18 THE UNSATISFIED'S NEW ALBUM IS A FEAST By Chuck Crowder Chattanooga has experienced a thriving local music scene for as long as I can remember. While bands have come and gone over the years, there’s been one constant for nearly 25 years: The Unsatisfied. 24 HUNTER'S INVITATION TO THE SURREAL By Michael Crumb These artists’ works stand in largely provocative groups, filling the upstairs exhibition space, and viewers will be challenged by the mental pyrotechnics implied by the artists’ offerings.

32 DAWN TREADER A SEAFARING SUCCESS By John DeVore “Dawn Treader” was my favorite of the Narnia books. The film takes certain liberties with the story, sometimes changing it entirely, without losing the overall sense of fate and fortune necessary in grand adventure and perilous journey.

everything else 4 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR 8 POLICE BLOTTER 8 THE LIST19 NEW MUSIC REVIEWS 20 MUSIC CALENDAR 25 A&E CALENDAR 33 NEW IN THEATERS34 SPIRITS WITHIN 36 FREE WILL ASTROLOGY 37 JONESIN’ CROSSWORD

ANNUAL

CHRISTMAS

WITH ALEX TEACH

next week in The Pulse


Letters to the Editor

Send all letters to the editor and questions to [email protected] We reserve the right to edit letters for content and space. Please include your full name, city and contact information.

Red Bank Traffic CamerasContracts that oblige cities to use

certain equipment for enforcement purposes should be illegal. The mandatory use of this equipment appears to be the same as a quota. If this is the case in Red Bank, then I believe the city may have legal recourse.Justin Powers

December Film PreviewGreat review by Phillip Johnston on

upcoming December movies! He is my favorite columnist for The Pulse. Always a joy to read, with particularly cutting insight. I’d love to hear his thoughts on books or literature as well as social commentary important to Chattanooga.Charles Lucky

Corker vs. The UAW, AgainNot that I’m a union supporter, which

generally I’m not, but Sen. Corker can

rot in hell as far as I care. I have absolutely no use for that worthless arrogant pompous ass. I don’t even live in Tennessee, but I’ll help campaign for whomever is running against the sawed off little sh*t in the next election.JT Hayes

Good for Corker! No need for the UAW to bankrupt another company so their unskilled labor can get way more than their worth and the work rules causing even higher costs. Let the market play out and let VW turn a profit and take care of the employees accordingly. If anyone doesn’t like it, feel free to go and find a different job!Ray Burzynski

Isn’t this Corker’s typical method of operation? He’s in love with foreign owned companies who set up shop in

his state and then shills for them by trying to kill off American companies, legislatively. This is the reason America is enduring the wealth destroying recession we are in. Isn’t it bad enough that non-union jobs as well as union jobs have flooded out of the country to other lands with low standards of living?Joe Chrysler


Pulse Beats

Quote Of The Week:

“We need to look at the real benefits of it and also the downfalls of it”

— Hamilton County School Superintendent Dr. Jim Scales on possibly re-thinking the system’s stance on use of cell phones in the classroom by students.

A rundown of the newsy, the notable, and the notorious...

Marching For Food On The West Side

Can You Give a Child a Home in 2010?

The Chattanooga Orga-nized for Action group will be marching with residents of Chattanooga’s West Side to bring attention to the lack of food stores in their neighborhood. The march is scheduled for this Satur-day, December 18, begin-ning at noon at the former Dollar General store at 1221 Grove Street.

Organizers will then lead the march down to Buehler’s Market on Market Street downtown to purchase gro-ceries to be donated to the Angel Food Ministries at

the Renaissance Presbyterian Church.This march is intended to demonstrate just how far residents

in the West Side have to go just to purchase basic toiletries and canned foods. “It is absolutely imperative that we come together this holiday season to march with those in our community who are so often forgotten and to help bring attention to these food deserts which are plaguing our city,” said Chris Brooks, one of the organizers of the march.

Another West Side resident, Tobiah Tillman, spoke before the Chattanooga City Council last week to highlight the issues and problems West Side residents are facing. He invited council members to take part in the march, as well as asking them to help residents dealing with being in a food desert and for help from the city and the police department to battle a growing gang presence in the area.

“The purpose [of the march] is to show how far the elderly and disabled on the West Side have to travel to get groceries, usually walking, now that the Dollar General has shut down,” Tillman told council members. “It was a five-minute walk, now it’s a half-hour walk.”

Council member Pam Ladd said that there has been talk of a new grocery store opening in the area, which would be welcome news to residents. However, nothing has been finalized and with winter weather here to stay for several months, it makes it even harder on many of the residents who don’t have easy access to transportation.

Organizers of the march are hoping that not only will they highlight the need for more food stores in the area, but also stores that sell better quality food. One of the main dietary issues in urban areas that qualify as food deserts is the lack of fresh produce and quality staples. Instead, many residents are forced to rely on small convenience stores that stock high-calorie, high-fat, processed and prepared foods that are much less healthy.

Brooks has acknowledged that it’s difficult to bring new businesses to the area without support from the community, which is one of the main reasons the march has been organized. “It’s about organizing the people of the West Side to fix their own problems,” he explained.

“Every child deserves a family and a place to call home,” said Barbara Grunow, Youth Villages director of adoption. “It takes regular people—moms, dads, single adults, married couples, grandparents—to become fos-ter and adoptive parents to children in foster care who are waiting for a home.”

Youth Villages is looking for adults over the age of 25 in Chattanooga, as well as Hamilton, McMinn, Grundy, Bradley and Franklin counties, who want to make a dif-ference in a child’s life by becoming foster or adoptive parents.

Becoming a foster or adoptive parent through Youth Villages is free. The organization provides free training for foster and adoptive parents, as well as free 24-hour support and monthly reimbursements to help offset the cost of adding a child to a household. Adoption through Youth Villages is free, and many children qualify for on-

going adoption subsidies. The next foster and adoptive parent information ses-

sion starts January 6, 4:30-6:30 p.m. Foster and adoptive parent training starts January 15, 9 a.m.-4 p.m. Both the information and training sessions will take place at the Youth Villages office in Chattanooga at the 6400 Build-ing at 5741 Cornelison Rd.

To become a Youth Villages foster or adoptive parent, you must complete the Youth Villages foster and adop-tive parent training, be single or married for at least one year, have adequate space in your home for a child, show proof of income and pass a background check.Youth Villages handles the adoption process for foster parents who wish to adopt.

For more information or to register for the Youth Vil-lages foster and adoptive parent information session or training, call Kristen Stucker at (423) 954-8843.


(PACIFIC OCEAN, DECEMBER 12, 2010) Christmas trees adorn most living and communal spaces on the USS Carl Vinson today. They’re brightly decorated reminders that no one on board will be with loved ones this holiday season. But that doesn’t seem to bother anyone on the aircraft carrier. They all know the drill. Duty calls and they respond.

Most already celebrated the holidays early. The ship left port a week after Thanksgiving. The crew exchanged gifts weeks ago. Now, they have photos of their celebrations and some of their presents as they steam out into the Pacific Ocean.

The first three weeks of their deployment are spent close to home. The carrier group is about 100 miles off the California coast, near San Diego, running through military drills, preparing for their next seven months at sea. The mission of the Carl Vinson is to maintain shipping lanes in the Indian Ocean/Western Pacific and to provide a strong American military presence in the area. But it also is prepared to respond to the needs of any allied nation that needs American help. The carrier George Washington is heading back to port in Japan for the holidays, leaving the Korean peninsula for now. The Vinson and her crew can be deployed anywhere, including Korea, in a matter of days.

The crew consists of between 5,500 and 6,000 sailors and marines, each with a job to do. From flying the FA/18 Super Hornet on combat missions, to incinerating the tons of garbage produced by the crew every day, each job is important to national defense. And as formidable a tool of war the Vinson

is, it is equally adept at another, much different mission: humanitarian aid.

The USS Carl Vinson is a Nimitz-class nuclear-powered super carrier. These ships are built to last 50 years and are only refueled once in their lifetime, at the 25-year mark. The Vinson recently attained that age and was in for a refueling and refit in Virginia. She was returned to sea duty in January of this year, and while on her way to San Diego around the horn of South America, tragedy struck in the tiny island nation of Haiti. A 7.0 magnitude earthquake devastated the land, killed thousands, and wounded even more.

The Vinson was nearby and was diverted by President Obama to provide whatever support the crew could. Within three days, the carrier was anchored offshore and her helicopters were buzzing back and forth delivering medical personnel, medical and food supplies and fresh water to the island. More supplies were brought in from the Navy base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and wounded were taken there.

Sixty wounded were not in any condition to be transported to Gitmo, so they were brought directly to the Vinson. There, elevators that normally transport bombs took them down to the sick bay of the ship to be tended to by the surgeon and nurses. Once the hospital ship USNS Comfort arrived,

the Vinson once again concentrated solely on logistical aid. Coming up on the holidays, and the one-year anniversary of

that mission in Haiti, the officers and crew of the Carl Vinson look ahead with a sense of pride, knowing that the job they do, whether it be in time of war, or time of peace, is essential—not only to the citizens of the United States, but to others around the world not fortunate enough to have a ship and crew of this caliber.

Beyond The Headlines Christmas on a Carrier

By Louis Lee

“Within three days, the carrier was anchored offshore and her

helicopters were buzzing back and forth delivering medical personnel,

medical and food supplies and fresh water to the island.”


A weekly roundup of the newsworthy, notable and often head-scratching stories gleaned from police reports from the Chattanooga Police Department, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office,

the Bradley County Sheriff’s Department and the Dalton Police Department.

• When are teenagers considered adults? How about when they shoot at kids? The three teenagers accused of the drive-by shooting incident last week aimed at a group of schoolchildren getting off a bus may end up being tried as adults. Prosecutors filed a motion to try the admitted gang members, a 16 year old and two 17 year olds, as adults, which could lead to much longer prison terms. Chattanooga Police Chief Bobby Dodd also believes that one of the 16-year-old shooters can be linked to last spring’s shooting in Coolidge Park. Those charges were dismissed after several witnesses changed their stories. In the meantime, Hamilton County School Superintendent Dr. Jim Scales has requested extra police patrols at school bus stops.

• The joy of pet ownership often has unexpected results. The cause of a Dallas Bay house fire last week has been listed as...energetic collie. The house suffered damage when the owner’s collie, Max, chewed on an electrical cord. The cord went to a lamp inside the doghouse,

used for warmth. The lamp fell over onto some straw bedding, catching the doghouse on fire. That fire then spread to the owner’s house, causing $5,000 worth of damage before some alert painters working across the street saw the smoke. They ran over and, using a garden hose, put out the fire. No one was injured in the blaze, including Max.

• Volkswagens are not deer. While that may seem obvious to most, at least one hunter was apparently a bit confused on this fact. A Dalton man will be spending the next several months behind bars after being found guilty of illegal hunting in Enterprise South. Judge Bob Moon sentenced the man to the maximum of six months and a $250 fine for hunting in a closed season. The hunter was arrested on November 6 by a TWRA officer after he was found deer hunting without a license, without fluorescent orange clothing, during a closed season and for refusing inspection. He had shot several times at a deer that was less than 75 yards from the VW fence line with a .270 caliber rifle during muzzleloader-only season.

• With the Christmas season in full swing, many people get in touch with their faith. One man, however, seemed to take things a wee bit too far. Dalton Police say a 51-year-old man took a baseball bat to the windshields of three of their patrol cars before turning himself in to authorities. The man wielded the bat in the back lot of the police department, damaging the windshields. The reason? He told one police officer that Jesus told him to do it. Officers understandably were highly skeptical of his explanation and booked him into the jail. He will likely face charges of destruction of public property.

Fun Things To Do On A No School Snow Day

1. Dig out the sandbox toys. Use the sand molds and buckets to build castles in the snow. Dig roads with shovels. Use bathtub boats as sleds for your icy kingdom. 2. Fill plastic containers half full of water. Sink smaller containers filled with stones or pennies (for weight), in the larger containers. Set outside to freeze overnight. The next evening, remove the ice from the containers and place tea light candles in each one.3. Give your kids spray bottles with filled with water and a couple drops of food coloring. Send them out to decorate the snow.4. Make Snow Ice Cream. You need a large mixing bowl of fresh snow, one or two cups of whole or evaporated milk,one or two teaspoons of vanilla extract, one-half-to-one cup of sugar. Bring the mixing bowl of fresh snow into the kitchen. Quickly stir in enough milk to get the consistency of ice cream, start with a little and keep adding until it is creamy. When you get the consistency you want, stir in the vanilla and sugar. Snow ice cream should be eaten right away.


Homeless Diaries: Voices of the Silenced

Cover Story

By Cody Maxwell

“I can’t think of a better way to show my support for homeless families and individuals during the holidays than to make a donation and to walk with other Chattanoogans in the Grateful Gobbler.”

— Mayor Ron Littlefield, Thanksgiving morning, 2006

What an amazingly honest proclamation. Other than purchasing the old nine-acre Farmer’s Market site on 11th Street for $775,000, a site that was once an industrial waste dump, Littlefield has done nothing. Plans were made, but as of today, the Farmer’s Market site is still a vacant, wasted lot. Nothing else has been done. As disturbing as it is, the mayor of this city really can’t think of any better way to support homeless families and individuals than to walk in the Grateful Gobbler.

Across the street from that empty lot is the Chattanooga Community Kitchen, where local citizens such as Br. Ron Fender, an Episcopal monk, and caseworker LaDonna Guffey have thought of many ways to support homeless families and individuals in Chattanooga, despite having insufficient resources.

LaDonna Guffey has worked as a caseworker at the Community Kitchen for seven years. In May of this year, she began a writing class for area homeless. Sitting at a round table in the dayroom of the Community Kitchen, Guffey explains what she wanted to see her writing class accomplish. “I hope the class will assist clients in improving their writing skills while also providing a

chance for them to tap into their creativity. I believe that writing can be very therapeutic and it has provided an opportunity for clients to open up about some of their feelings regarding family, homelessness and personal values,” she says.

The class is succeeding at all of those things, but most importantly, it has given these men and women a voice they didn’t know they had. The homeless in Chattanooga are a silenced people, spoken of only in abstract statistics and political rhetoric, and spoken to only from blushing faces or behind badges and black judge’s robes. Teaching them to articulate themselves through written words will give them the opportunity to be heard as human beings rather than only being spoken of as civic “problems”.

I was given the journals of two of LaDonna Guffey’s students to edit. Here are their voices.


“The homeless in Chattanooga are a silenced people, spoken of only in abstract statistics and political rhetoric, and spoken

to only from blushing faces or behind badges and black judge’s robes.”

Cover StoryDarrell Johnson's Diary

Ms. LaDonna asked us to write about a day in our lives. Well, for me today began just as all the others. I had to get up at 5:30 a.m. The reason I have to get up so early is that I stay at the Chattanooga Rescue Mission. On weekdays they wake us up at 5:30 and we are at the Community Kitchen around 6:25 or 6:35.

Today I have something to look forward to: the Creative Writing class that Mrs. Ladonna holds on Mondays at 1 p.m. I missed the first few classes though I really wanted to be in this class. Why? For an outlet. To set free some of the feelings that I have about my present situation and other parts of the life inside me.

I’ve been telling myself lately that I can’t take very much more of this being homeless. Then I think, Well, I can’t do anymore than I’m already doing. When I get too depressed I pray.

I was about to sit down here when my fiancee reminded me of Ms. Ladonna’s request, in regards to our cameras and notebooks.

Yes, I have a fiancee. We have been getting to know each other since January 19, ‘07, and I thank God for her. Why? Because when we first sat down to talk to one another we had the same thing on our minds. Believe it or not, that thing was to get married.

Yes, to each other. For I feel that we both were praying to God to let this relationship be the one that’s forever rather than the relationship that we have with Him.

Right now it’s 7:29 a.m. on October, 26 2010, and I’m in a rather cheerful mood. It all began last night at the Mission (Laugh).

It’s about a young man that has been staying here for about 5 days. This young man says that he spent 15 years in the Marines and that he was a sniper. Now, believe it or not (and this is the funny part), he does not know what kind of rifle he used.

Some say that he has a mental problem. I may be wrong for thinking this but I feel that he is just a big liar. So we made fun of him to the point where he and another guy began to have harsh words. But before we went to sleep the young man was fine and the lights went out. I told a joke about someone else and the young man laughed with us. So all in all it was a fun night.

Which goes to show that laughter can at times remove the sorrow of homelessness. As for me, I am at times sorrowful, but not for long. Only a heartbeat.

When I was a child living in North Greenwood near Citico Courts I would play football with my oldest brother and my friends every day, rain or shine. I wanted to quarterback yet mostly ran the ball. In those days everyone in my neighborhood would say that I was one of the best players.

While growing up I loved and respected my older brother a great deal. Yet at the present time we don’t get along so well. You could say that he doesn’t like me at all, not very much, or that he just doesn’t like some of the things that I do, but I do feel that he still loves me.

I remember the best time that we ever had. It was on a Thanksgiving back in the Seventies. Now to me he was one of the greatest sportsmen of his time. His specialty was football. On this Thanksgiving we were on the same team, and we were winning. He was blocking and I was running.


On one play, as I was running and he was blocking, we two took my brother-in-law out of the game. That is the best and last good memory that I have of my oldest brother.

The thing is you can have a home and still be sorrowful. You can be sorrowful when God is not in your life and when He is.

Yesterday here at the Community Kitchen the police brought in some drug dogs. They didn’t find any drugs but it served its purpose. It let the people here at the Community Kitchen know that drug activities will not be tolerated. I understand their reasoning for this is not the place for things of that nature.

As it’s been said there is a time and place for everything. Yes, and this is funny: Some drugs are illegal yet, as we all know, people misuse prescription drugs. They may say that their physical state caused them to become a drug abuser, the same as a person on street drugs may say that life or his or her environment caused their drug abuse.

So there are a lot of questions. Could one answer be that in the past forty years America has become a society of material values? At one time in our history we thrived on moral values, which were God and Country. At one time God came first in our lives. The first thing we did at school in the

morning was pray then say the Pledge of Allegiance. As children growing up that gave us something to believe in and for some of us it stayed with us into adulthood. These were our morals. God and Country, not Money.

When we would pray that morning when we got

to school we would say from our hearts and with feeling (Our Father), knowing that we belong to God, which art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. We respect and love you. Thy Kingdom come. We look forward to your coming. Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven. We want to do what you would have us to do. Give us this day our daily bread. Thank you God for life. And forgive us our debts. If I’ve done something or owe someone forgive me as I forgive my debtors. Let me be able to forgive others. And lead us not into temptation. Lord help me to stay away from what I know is wrong. Deliver us from evil. Lord please help me when I am in trouble. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen.

Lord you are in control.To Ms. LaDonna and the [Chattanooga

Pulse]:Ms. Ladonna, first of all this letter is to

you for helping me to get my thoughts out on paper and I pray to be published. This I thank you for.

To the gentleman from the [Chattanooga Pulse]: I regret that I was

not in class on the afternoon that you came. I pray that you publish as much of this notebook as you can.

Thank You, — Darrell A. Johnson

Cover Story

He was haggard and his eyes showed a long life of hardship and pain but it was his eyes

themselves that took me off guard. They were just as clear and joyful and blue as my

five-year-old son’s.”


Tommy Pierce's Diary

When Ladonna told us she wanted everyone to keep a day to day journal I thought, “Cool. I love writing about my life.”

Then she said it would possibly be published in the Pulse. I thought, “Why would anyone want to read about the lives of the community’s riff-raff?” I twisted it around in my head for a few weeks and just wasn’t feeling it.

Then I was walking down the street last week with some dirty, weak, rancid drunk in front of me. A couple blocks on I tried to pass him by but he stumbled and I let him grab my arm. He was haggard and his eyes showed a long life of hardship and pain but it was his eyes themselves that took me off guard. They were just as clear and joyful and blue as my five-year-old son’s. That’s when LaDonna’s Journal thing hit my heart instead of my mind.

I started thinking about how a human being, the most evolved creature on God’s Green Earth, could de-evolve so far. What could break a man or woman’s soul into so many pieces?

I started walking and talking with him and asked if he wanted to drink a beer with me. He reached in his pocket, pulled out a few crumpled bills and said, “Sure! What you drinkin’?”

Behind a dumpster, sipping a PBR, I tried to get his story, but the only thing he said was, “Son, my life ain’t over yet, and just who the hell would want to read a story with no ending? They’d go damn blind.”

So behind that dumpster ol’ Stu taught me the meaning of life. No matter how broken you become

and no matter how beaten you are, it’s not the end. You still have your Will.

There was a car accident down the street the other night. After the cops were all gone and the wrecked cars moved away a man came back and was sweeping the glass up off the road. He said he’d take it to be recycled.

Isn’t that something? Even the broken, beaten windshield’s story isn’t over. It’ll be reshaped into your reading glasses or a new car mirror.

If something as physical and solid as glass can be shattered and then repaired, why not our souls? When you’re laying on the ground looking up at the entire world with both fists in the air, just know it’s not over.

I’m not sure if this’ll get published. But I hope to God someone gets a little inspiration to put their Human Will to work and mend the pieces. After all that Will is what evolved us in the first place.

Written by Tommy Pierce in a crummy hotel room, but one day it’s feather beds and goose down

pillows, Delmer.There are hundreds more of these men on our streets. Merry Christmas, Chattanooga.Good Will to All Men.Sleep well.

Cover Story

“If something as physical and solid as glass can be shattered and then repaired, why not our souls? When you’re laying on the ground

looking up at the entire world with both fists in the air just know it’s not over.”


I hear it all the time in person, at work, and on Facebook (Facebook…what was I thinking?): “You’re such an asshole. You think you’re better than the people you serve. You look down on them in your stories.” And I’m, like, “Shut up. You don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re a complete idiot. You make me sick.” And then they’re all like, “Hey, you’re hurting my arm, why are you grabbing me OH MY GOD—” and it goes on and on like that, until I get sad or black out.

They don’t know me; what I do, what I think. Why so harsh? I’m a nice guy, but also realistic in not having any reasonable expectations for being understood more than anyone else. Besides, how could I expect what are largely “assholes” to understand me in the first place? That in itself is a magnanimous gesture. OK, “nice” may be a stretch; but I’m definitely “reasonable”, yeah? I don’t think that I, or cops, or anyone is better than anyone else; in fact, through no fault of my own, I not only tend to offend everyone…I tend to offend cops and Nozzle Heads the most since, statistically, they’re who I see most often on The Job.

In going over some recent updates and a few policy changes (as good cops had better do if they wish to remain cops), I found a few examples of making fun of cops and firepersons (or whatever they are called now) that make my point well here:

Todd v. Lexington Fayette Urban County

Government, 2009 WL 4800052 (E.D. Ky. 2009). This is a ruling that dealt with an officer who, for some reason likely no fault of his own, was required by his employer to attend AA meetings and obtain counseling as a condition of retaining his job.

This was a pretty huge leap of faith by his administration…which most chiefs will tell you are often paid back with a big ol’ poke in the eye as in this case, for instead of expressing gratitude for salvaging his career the officer actually sued his Department for not paying him to attend these meetings and sessions.

While I applaud the gargantuan stones this guy must be packing to pull that kind of stunt (as I mourn the next poor soul that is “salvageable” but will now never get this same chance due to this precedent), the court ultimately decided that time spent in these activities “did not constitute compensable work” for FLSA purposes. He’s got a future as a police chief, though…as evidenced by the next case.

Budde v. Kane County Forest Preserve, 597 F.3d 860 (7th Cir. 2010). A police chief was fired after he rear-ended another car and was found to have a blood alcohol level (or B.A.C.) of .23, nearly three times the legal limit in his state. Amazing.

His response? Suing his city for violating the Americans with Disabilities Act “for failing to accommodate his alcoholism.” (Pause, and take that in.)

I was literally speechless when I read this, and a solitary tear of pride for his ingenuity escaped down my cheek; the courts, however, wisely disagreed with him.

…And if you thought I forgot to take a rare shot at our beloved fire service, I give you Starling v. Board of County Commissioners, 602 F.3d 1257 (11th Cir. 2010).

A fire captain was terminated because of an extramarital relationship he was having with a subordinate. Obviously this is a HUGE deal because if firefighters couldn’t sex each other up there’d be no fire service. He had to sue. (For perspective, our own mayor established such activity to rate a suspension, transfer, and harshly worded letter instead of termination), but unfortunately this fireman sued not for excessive punishment…but rather for his belief that his administration violated his First Amendment right to intimate association.

That’s right: He sued his employer for violating his constitutional right to the old Funky Monkey with a willing lackey. He was the John Shaft of the Fire Service: He attempted to set a legal precedent that it was literally his duty “...to please that booty”. What a freakin’ man.

Ever the buzz-kill, however, the court held that the department’s interest in discouraging such conduct clearly outweighs such a constitutional interest… “even if we assume that the First Amendment protects extramarital association.” You go, Court. (And you go, Captain!)

See? There is far too much stupidity in the world to restrict it to everyone but myself and those in my profession; there’s plenty to go around, and I assure you I dish it out equally. You’ll see.

(Next week, “Nuns: Still No Sense of Humor.”)

“A fire captain was terminated because of an extramarital relationship he was having with a subordinate. Obviously this is a HUGE deal because if firefighters couldn’t sex each other up there’d be no fire service.”

On The Beat By Alex Teach

Fair & Balanced

When Officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he is an occasional student, carpenter, boating enthusiast, and spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center. To contact him directtly, follow him on Facebook at www.facebook.com/alex.teach


Chattanooga has experienced a thriving local music scene for as long as I can remember. While bands have come and gone over the years, there’s been one constant for nearly 25 years: The Unsatisfied. On a seemingly never-ending quest to realize the fruits of their tremendous labors, these boys have rocked harder, faster and louder than any other band in our fair city’s history. And now, they’ve put together one of the best albums I’ve ever heard from a local outfit, Songs The Belt Taught Us.

If you’ve ever darkened the door of nearly any local live music venue, at one time or another you’ve surely been treated to their explosive stage show. Our answer to Iggy Pop, Eric Scealf leads the band through an onslaught of what could be called “punk metal” with shimmering high-energy dance moves that were surely ripped off by Axl Rose.

The twin, tight dueling guitars of Johnny Stockman and Wayne Shadwick are grounded by the solid rhythm section of E.T. on bass and local legend Doug Bales on

drums. Together they make up a force to be reckoned with, and they’ve honed their chops through endless shows and an ambition-fueled love for what they all do best.

Now, after three records that have built upon one another in an attempt to capture the raw energy they exude during their live performances, the band has settled down to compile a set of new songs that sum up their pursuits more than any other previous recording. Songs The Belt Taught Us contains 14 tracks that show not only their talents as musicians, but truly delivers a set of material worthy of not

only purchasing and enjoying, but will likely find a radio audience for this unstoppable well-oiled machine.

The first three full-length tunes, “The Rapture,” “Blasphemers,” and “The Lovin’”, are by far the most insightful, well-written and well-produced recordings of their entire career. Even the most casual fan cannot deny that these songs have merit normally reserved for arena-rock bands on major labels.

Their diverse influences, including everyone from the Ramones, Cult, Cramps and Stooges to the Clash are equally complemented by the more unconscious

influence of Sabbath, Judas Priest, and, in my opinion, Guns N’ Roses to form a sound that is truly unique to The Unsatisfied.

Other tracks such as “The Kids of Forever,” “Into The Gash,” and “You Don’t Know Me” also demonstrate good old heavy metal and punk with lots of interludes, tempo changes and surprises that turn typical three-cord crank-outs into very interesting musical gems.

The LP harnesses their diversity, versatility and overall raw energy into one must-have collection. To purchase a download, you can visit www.theunsatisfied.com. Get it!

Music Feature The Unsatisfied’s New Album a Punk Metal Feast

By Chuck Crowder

“These boys have rocked harder, faster and louder than any other band in our fair

city’s history. And now, they’ve put together

one of the best albums I’ve ever heard from a

local outfit.”


It’s been called “the glass teat” (writer Harlan Ellison), “chewing gum for the eyes” (Frank Lloyd Wright), and “the drug of the nation”

(Michael Franti). It’s television, and it’s pretty much de rigueur for self-conscious highbrow audiences to brag about not watching TV—or perhaps even owning a TV. So it’s a bit odd to see the art-minded bi-annual journal Esopus devote its latest issue and accompanying CD to the medium (“so called because it is neither rare nor well done,” said Ernie Kovacs), in an honest search for inspiration. For the collection, each artist was asked to select a TV show and write a completely original song about it, and the shows range from M*A*S*H to MythBusters to Blackadder II.

Opening the compilation, Stephin Merritt of the Magnetic Fields tackles Meerkat Manor, the animal reality show, with a one-minute ditty done in his rare, goofy manner (think “Punk Love” from 69 Love Songs but with piano); the NPR-ready, Squirrel Nut Zippers-esque Third Wheel Band covers the show Cheaters but doesn’t stray from a standard Americana approach. Knoxville’s Ryland Bouchard contributes “Hope Rides Alone,” inspired by Democracy Now!, with a simple strum-and-sing number that works, against all odds, considering Bouchard’s unusual, high voice (think Alan Wilson from Canned Heat). “I Apologize” by Cloud Nothings, apparently about The Golden Girls, hits a nice low-fi pop vibe, and “Today’s Adventure!” by Festival is charming in its own way, stringing images from The Adventures of Pete & Pete with thickly layered vocal harmonies dominating the song. The collection’s oddest number, by far, is Laurie Schwartz’s “There Was Also the Fact That He Was Shaped Like the Moon,” which doesn’t quite gel; it takes inspiration from The Jackie Gleason Show and uses Theremin flourishes and spoken word snippets about Gleason, ectoplasm, and the paranormal, resembling a radio news story. The hit/miss ratio is about 50 percent on the compilation, as a reminder that both flowers and weeds can bloom from detritus.

The quote “Don’t let schooling interfere with your education” comes to mind when considering the pioneering musician Bruce Haack, a self-

proclaimed “musical dyslexic” who dropped out of the prestigious Julliard School and forged a musical career in the ’60s and ’70s with distinctive and imaginative electronic compositions performed on homemade synthesizers. Haack’s best-known music, influenced by both psychedelic rock and psychedelics like peyote (taken with his Native American friends, growing up in Canada), leans more toward the pop world than the avant-garde classical world, where most mid-20th century electronic music resided, and perhaps the best point of comparison, sonically, would be Haack’s friend Raymond Scott, who shared a knack for inventing electronic instruments and creating playful, whimsical music.

The new compilation Farad: The Electric Voice features, though not exclusively, Haack’s songs that employ his homemade vocoder, which gave vocals a synth-robotic quality to them (think Kraftwerk or Air); there’s just a small overlap with the previous compilation Hush Little Robot and none with Listen Compute Rock Home, a sampling of his music made for children with instructor Esther Nelson. Farad begins with a trio of songs from Haack’s brilliant and out-there 1970 concept album The Electric Lucifer, including “Electric to Me Turn,” perhaps the best two-minute distillation of Haack’s offbeat pop aesthetic, ending with a mind-bending robotic scat-singing sequence. The Electric Lucifer Book 2, represented by three songs, isn’t quite the masterpiece of the original, suffering from a bit too much uniformity. Then, there’s a generous helping of songs from lesser-known releases, including the adult-oriented Haackula, recorded in 1977 but not released until three decades later, the Esther Nelson collaboration Together, and the hard-to-find Bite. Although toward the end, this writer was experiencing a bit of vocoder overload, Farad is a welcome compilation and a good entry point for those who might be open to something that sounds like Kraftwerk mixed with the Residents’ Duck Stab.

New Music Reviews By Ernie Paik

Various ArtistsEsopus CD #15: Television(Esopus)

Bruce HaackFarad: The Electric Voice(Stones Throw)


ThursdayJimmy Harris6:30 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.comMark Holder, Chris Armstrong9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). facebook.com/theofficechattBuckner Brothers9 p.m. The Lounge at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.comVideo DJ Nick9:30 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.comCadillac Saints with The Last Straw10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com

SOULEDOUT! Classic and Modern Soul with DJ K710 p.m. The Social, 1110 Market St., Ste. 101.

FridayJohnny Cash Tribute Band5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo Victorian Lounge, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000.www.choochoo.comBen Friberg Trio6 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th St. (423) 756-8253. www.table2restaurant.comLaura Sable and Bill Wiemuth6 p.m. The Texas Lounge at Delta Queen Hotel, 100 River St. (423) 468-4500. www.deltaqueenhotel.netJimmy Harris6:30 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Axiom, Aflightaside, WideEyeDaze, Deadfall Six, In The Era7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd. myspace.com/warehousetnJohn Johnson Benefit with The Bohannons, The Unsatisfied, The Fingers, and more7:30 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400.myspace.com/jjbohemia

KudZue Revue8 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs Downtown, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956. www.sugarsribs.comRenee Mixon with Tammy Lewis8 p.m. Southside Saloon & Bistro, 1301 Chestnut St. (423) 757-4730. Priscilla & Little Ricky8:30 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 South Broad St. (423) 756-3400. www.chattanooganhotel.comHegarty & DeYoung9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). facebook.com/theofficechattBrian Collins 9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919.DJ and Dancing9 p.m. Spectators, 7804 E. Brainerd Rd. (423) 648- 6679.Mike Willis10 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.comAbbey Road Live10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. Wreck the Halls Christmas Party with Ickybod Crankin and Glowing Bordis10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (433) 634-0260.

The Micks10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com

SaturdayJohnny Cash Tribute Band5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo Victorian Lounge, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000. www.choochoo.comLaura Sable and Bill Wiemuth6 p.m. The Texas Lounge at Delta Queen Hotel, 100 River St. (423) 468-4500. www.deltaqueenhotel.netJimmy Harris6:30 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Between Two Seas, Tyler Melashenko, In This Hour, Story Time w/ Joey Whited7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd.myspace.com/warehousetn

Cadillac Saints with The Last StrawMarch in with the Saints one last time before Christmas.$710 p.m.Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St.(423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com

Thursday Spotlight

Music Calendar

Lil Wyte and Jelly RollWhat says the holidays more than a rap show?$10 advance, $20 VIP11 p.m.Sky Zoo, 5709 Lee Highway(423) 468-4533. Find them on Facebook.

Friday Spotlight


Power Players Show Band8 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs Downtown, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956. www.sugarsribs.comHusky Burnette8 p.m. Southside Saloon & Bistro, 1301 Chestnut St. (423) 757-4730. Priscilla & Little Ricky8:30 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 South Broad St. (423) 756-3400. www.chattanooganhotel.comJonny Cate9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). facebook.com/theofficechattBrian Collins9 p.m., 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919.Shades of 7, Never Surrender, Silence The Sorrow9 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 756-4786. myspace.com/ziggyshideaway

DJ and Dancing9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. Mike McDade’s Acoustic Neil Young Review10 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.comZoso: The Ultimate Led Zeppelin Tribute10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.comMuddy Mule10 p.m. T-Bones, 1419 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.com

SundayOpen Mic w/Jeff Daniels 4 p.m. Ms. Debbie’s Nightlife Lounge 4762 Highway 58, (423) 485-0966.myspace.com/debbieslounge Greely Estates, Vanna, Tides Of Man, A Bullet For Pretty Boy, Failing The Fairest6:30 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd. myspace.com/warehousetn

MondayOld Tyme Players6 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (433) 634-0260.

Big Band Night8 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. Live DJ – Karaoke8 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5600 Lakeshore Dr. (423) 870-0777.

TuesdayBen Friberg Trio6:30 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th St. (423) 756-8253. www.table2restaurant.comLightning Billy Hopkins8 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (433) 634-0260. Open Mic with Mike McDade9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.comTim & Reece9 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5600 Lakeshore Dr. (423) 870-0777. www.bartslakeshore.comClay Cook vs. Levi Lowrey9 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644.

WednesdayJimmy Harris6:30 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055.

Ben Friberg Trio7 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (433) 634-0260. DJ Spins – Karaoke Contest9 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5600 Lakeshore Dr. (423) 870-0777. Ario Gilliam9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.comPreston Parris9 p.m. The Lounge at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd.. #202. (423) 499-5055. Bobby Bare Jr. with Channing Wilson9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.comOpen Mic with Mark Holder10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400.myspace.com/jjbohemia

Saturday Spotlight

Music CalendarSpecial Tuesday Spotlight

Send your calendar events to us at [email protected]

Infinite Orange with The Wilkins, Moonshoes MumsySet up your tent at the Camp House for some rock.$87:30 p.m.The Camp House, 1427 Williams St.(423) 792-8081. www.thecamphouse.com

Clay Cook vs. Levi LoweryTwo quality singer-songwriters let loose at Rhythm & Brews.$109 p.m.Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St.(423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com


Nandini Makrandi, curator of contemporary art at the Hunter Museum, has brought together seven regional artists for the current Invitational Show. These artists’ works stand in largely provocative groups, filling the upstairs exhibition space, and viewers will be challenged by the mental pyrotechnics implied by the artists’ offerings.

Curiously, before viewing this show, I had read an article by Eric Felton in a recent Wall Street Journal basically announcing the ineffectiveness of the avant-garde in our contemporary culture: “After the shock is gone” (Friday,Journal, WSJ, December 3, 2010.) In it, Felton, through an act of rhetorical legerdemain, reduces the somewhat ephemeral concept of the avant-garde to a sole effect/affect of “shock,” which he cartoonishly slams in an act of criminal propaganda. This rather naked display of conservative cultural politics may presumably remind us that “real art follows tradition and the best art attaches a higher dollar value.”

On entering the Hunter Invitational, the viewer must first pass Michael Aurbach’s “Administrative Trial and Error” (2008), a steel installation resembling a board room in hell. This unrelenting tour de force might cause an ardent fetishist to cringe. However, this satirical piece brings much relevance to bear on how institutional power with its medieval roots callously eschews the flesh entrusted to it. I do wonder if any culture in the history of the world has been so thoroughly betrayed by the institutions to which it has entrusted itself as American culture has in the past several decades.

I found myself reminded simultaneously of the writings of Michel Foucault and Marquis de Sade. Foucault attempted an analysis of institutional power, and de Sade launched an unprecedented ferocity in his attacks upon such power.

In its single-minded excoriation of what is so clearly

wrong, the satirical impulse is not explicitly concerned with what is right. Its ancient rhetorical impulse remains an emphatic curse. This most dangerous of aesthetic forms risks even recognition. Aurbach also has two Plexiglas pieces, “Critical Theory: C’est Nothing, Deux Nothing” and “Critical Theory’s Secret” (2010), which manage to make the very air a medium for comment. I wonder if Jacques Derrida, the author of Glas, might laugh out loud at these works. As an artist and as a cultural theorist, I do understand that the development of an aesthetic theory itself is itself an aesthetic act. Nevertheless, that word “critical” smacks of parasitism—see “Eric Felton” above.

If the intrepid viewer makes a sharp right turn into the next room, Billy Weeks’s Dominican baseball photographs await. This series of ten photographs are done in conventional medium, but their composition and dynamism form an exemplary document of hope and joyful play.

Sorry, but that is all the simple respite available here. Turn slowly from these photos and towering above is Sunkoo Yuh’s ceramic construction “Long Beach Summer” (2004). Welcome back to the archetypal surreal. Yuh presents five ink drawings on rice paper crowded with figures human, animal and “divine.” These drawings serve as a kind of springboard for his five ceramic constructions, also crowded with diverse figures. To me, these suggest Jung’s concept of the collective unconscious, the “sea” of images from which archetypes emerge. Yuh’s work is wonderful and scary, testing the integral of existence: Is the whole greater than the sum of its parts?

Adjacent to Yuh’s work, the viewer encounters Amy Pleasant’s work, including six untitled ink drawings of minimalist human figures and three large “abstract” paintings: “Cityscape,” “Sky,” and “Nightsky” (all three 2010). An anonymous observer wonders if this is a “put on.” These pieces do present an aesthetic conundrum, couched in ambiguity. The drawings of small figures invite the viewer to consider if, at our most thoughtless moments, we are most conscious. This is both a valid and profound question, although logic may object. With the “abstracts,” we are

invited to search for figures within them. This is very much against the grain for abstraction.

The viewer can now move over to Chattanooga artist Lin C. Parker’s surreal book constructions. These may well be the best discovery at this show. Much strangeness and a wry humor emerge from constructions of found objects and antique papers. There is religious terminology, but the larger issue involves the accessibility of meaning.

Pradip Malde presents a series of ten platinum-palladium fine art photographic prints. This is fine academic work. I’m not sure that these pieces accomplish his avowed intention, but he seems to be sure of it.

Finally, Daud Akhriev’s massive linen painting of a prone figure on a boat attended by a flock of seagulls brings the viewer back to ambiguity. There is great dynamism here, the water’s and the birds’ motion, the stillness of the figure. If there is a word synonymous with art, that word is likely “vision.”

Arts & Entertainment Hunter’s Invitation to the Surreal

Hunter Invitational Show$9.95 (museum admission)Runs through January 1610 Bluff View. (423) 267-0968. www.huntermuseum.org

By Michael Crumb


Chattanooga Market: Holiday Market Too10 a.m. Warehouse Row, 1110 Market St. Mosaic Market11 a.m. 412 Market St. (corner of 4th/Market). (423) 624-3915Ballet Tennessee’s The Nutcracker2 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center, Corner of Vine and Palmetto St. (423) 425-4269. Silent Christmas2 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 1918 Union Ave. (423) 987-5141. Chattanooga Clarinet Choir Concert2:30 p.m. Chattanooga-Hamilton County Bicentennial Library, 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310. Chattanooga Santa Claus Pub Crawl4 p.m. Various Locations in Downtown Chattanooga. Holiday Lights at the Zoo5:30 p.m. Chattanooga Zoo, 1254 E. 3rd St. (423) 697-1322. New Voices Poetry Reading6:30 p.m. Pasha Coffee House,

3914 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 475-5482. Christmas Spectacular7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000. Reel Rock Film Festival8 p.m. Tennessee Bouldering Authority Indoor Gym, 3804 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 822-6800. A Christmas Story8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. “Journey Through Time and Space” Dance Concert8 p.m. Barking Legs Theatre, 1322 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347. Ballet Tennessee’s The Nutcracker8 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center, Corner of Vine and Palmetto St. (423) 425-4269. Times Square Angel8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. CSO Pops: Home for the Holidays8 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5050.

CSO Pops: Home for the Holidays2 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5050. www.chattanooga.govThe Mystery at the Nightmare Office Party2 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. The Nutcracker Christmas Carol2:30 p.m. Chattanooga State Humanities Theatre, 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 697-3246.“Messiah” Community Sing-Along3 p.m. First Seventh-day Adventist Church, 7450 Standifer Gap Rd. (423) 605-2468.Silent Christmas3 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 1918 Union Ave. (423) 987-5141. ensembletheatreofchattanooga.comWill Marfori8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com Deck the FallsRuby Falls, 1720 South Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544.

Dinner with Santa5 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mountain, GA. Dreamnight: Holiday Lights at the Zoo5:30 p.m. Chattanooga Zoo, 1254 E. 3rd St. (423) 697-1322. www.chattzoo.orgString Theory at the Hunter6 p.m. Hunter Museum of Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. The Photographic Society of Chattanooga Meeting6 p.m. St. John’s United Methodist Church, 3921 Murray Hills Dr. (423) 591-2916. A Christmas Story7 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. James Rogers Home for the Holidays Concert7 p.m. The Colonnade Center, 264 Catoosa Cir., Ringgold, GA. (706) 935-9000. Christmas with the Metropolitan Bells7:30 p.m. Brainerd Baptist Church, 300 Brookfield Ave. (423) 624-2606.

Chattanooga Market: Holiday Market Too10 a.m. Warehouse Row, 1110 Market St. www.chattanoogamarket.comHoliday Lights at the Zoo5:30 p.m. Chattanooga Zoo, 1254 E. 3rd St. (423) 697-1322. www.chattzoo.orgSilent Christmas7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 1918 Union Ave. (423) 987-5141. ensembletheatreofchattanooga.comThe Nutcracker Christmas Carol7:30 p.m. Chattanooga State Humanities Theatre, 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 697-3246.It’s A Wonderful Life7:30 p.m. The Colonnade Center, 264 Catoosa Cir., Ringgold, GA. (706) 935-9000. www.colonnadecenter.orgChristmas Spectacular7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000. www.choochoo.comChattanooga Ghost Tour7:30 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 1 Walnut St. (423) 821-7125.

Will Marfori7:30, 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch & Giggles Grille, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.comA Christmas Story8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com“Journey Through Time and Space” Dance Concert8 p.m. Barking Legs Theatre, 1322 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347. www.barkinglegs.orgTime Square Angel8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. Female Impersonation ShowMidnight. Images, 6065 Lee Hwy. (423) 855-8210. www.imagesbar.com Deck the FallsRuby Falls, 1720 South Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. “Happy Holidays”Houston Museum of Decorative Arts, 201 High St. (423) 267-7176. www.thehoustonmuseum.com

Thursday Friday

Holiday Around the Globe

Multicultural gift fair with music, food, poetry.Free admission4 – 8 p.m.Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. MLK Blvd.(423) 266-8658.

A&E Calendar Highlights Send your calendar events to us at [email protected]

Saturday Sunday

The NutcrackerBallet Tennessee presents

the holiday perennial with guest dancers from the New York City Ballet and more.$128 p.m.UTC Fine Arts Center, Roland Hayes Concert Hall, Vine & Palmetto Sts. (423) 425-4269. www.utc.edu/finearts

Nutcracker Christmas Carol

Every Christmas story rolled into one nutty musical.$107:30 p.m.Humanities Theatre, Chattanooga State College, 4501 Amnicola Hwy.(423) 697-3246.

A Christmas StoryYes, the leg lamp, the

bunny suit, the BB gun and the tongue on the lamppost.$12.50 - $252:30 p.m.Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River St.(423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com


Home for the HolidaysCSO annual fave event features the Voices of Lee, the Metropolitan Bells, and guest conductor Donald Pippen.

Sunday matinee tix 50 percent off, use discount code “CSO.”$19 - $79Saturday, December 18 8 p.m.Sunday, December 19 2 p.m.Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St.(423) 267-8583. www.chattanoogasymphony.org

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week

A&E Calendar Highlights

December Foreign Policy Supper Club6 p.m. Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 N. Terrace Rd. (423) 493-0270. Rock City’s Enchanted Garden of Lights6 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mountain, GA. www.seerockcity.comSpeak Easy: Spoken Word and Poetry8 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. www.facebook.com/theofficechatDeck the FallsRuby Falls, 1720 South Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. www.rubyfalls.comMember’s Choice Photographic Art ExhibitThe Gallery at Blackwell, 71 Eastgate Loop. (423) 344-5643.“Eternal”Exum Gallery, 305 W. 7th St. (423) 593-4265.“Beyond Baseball: The Life of Roberto Clemente”Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. Martin Luther King Blvd. (423) 266-8658.

Mitzvah Day LuncheonNoon. Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 N. Terrace Rd. (423) 493-0270.Rock City’s Enchanted Garden of Lights6 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mountain, GA. www.seerockcity.comDeck the FallsRuby Falls, 1720 South Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. www.rubyfalls.com“Heirloom”Shuptrine Fine Art & Framing, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453. www.shuptrinefineartgroup.com“Helping Hands & Winter Wonders”Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 648-6043. www.cdmfun.org“a Pale; place into parts” by Glenn Herbert DavisSewanee University Art Gallery, 68 Georgia Ave. www.sewanee.eduHunter Invitational 2010Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org

Community Free Days10 a.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 648-6043. www.cdmfun.orgMain Street Farmers Market4 p.m. Main St. at Williams St. www.mainstfarmersmarket.comRock City’s Enchanted Garden of Lights6 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mountain, GA. www.seerockcity.comA Christmas Story7 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.comDeck the FallsRuby Falls, 1720 South Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. www.rubyfalls.com“Spirituality of Light”Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 N. Terrace Rd. (423) 493-0270. www.jewishchattanooga.com“Women’s Work”Bill Shores Frame and Gallery, 2 Northshore, Manufacturers Rd. (423) 756-6746. www.billshoresframes.com


Recently I learned that one of my best friends is seriously ill. How ill I don’t think he or his doctors know exactly at this point, but it involves his pancreas and/or liver, and those are two organs that are best left alone to do whatever it is they do without a tumor attached to them. It ain’t good to say the least.

Whatever his diagnosis, prognosis or treatment plan, like many Americans who choose to follow their own career path, John is uninsured. And indigent care only goes so far. There will be medical bills upon medical bills, and missed work when you are a contract laborer means that you don’t get paid. So a bunch of his friends—and he’s blessed with many—are collecting donations online and even throwing him a benefit show with some of the local bands he helped inspire this Friday night at JJ’s Bohemia.

Seems everyone who’s ever crossed paths with John is never quite the same after. He’s one of those people who are just left enough of center to carve out a special notch in the old noggin. Everyone’s had a friend like John in his or her lives at one time or another. He’s just a little bit cooler, better looking, funnier, talented, insightful and adventurous than you are (but wished you were).

He’s that guy who inspires maybe more than he’s inspired. He’s the guiding influence who turns you on to the movies, books, music and art that you feel stupid for not already knowing about. And he’s the guy who introduces you to stuff like Pall Malls, fried bologna and trucker speed.

John and I have been friends for more than 25 years. He’s one of those guys who’s in nearly every old photograph of my friends taken with a film camera, but had left town to find bigger and better things long before I switched to digital. One photo album in particular documents an incredible, life-changing adventure he and I embarked on together in our early twenties. I was just coming off a bad relationship when John proposed that we backpack through Europe for as long as it took to see what we wanted to see or until the money ran out—whichever came first.

Seven weeks, ten countries and countless stories later, it proved to be one of the most valuable experiences of my life (so far). In our ever-present attempt to save money during the trip, we slept on park benches, ate ham-and-cheese sandwiches every day so we’d have some beer money, and split hotel rooms now and then with people we met along the way so we could wash out our socks and shorts. By the end of our journey we’d seen things that I might likely never see again. And for that, I’m thankful to count John swinging from the rafters of my life’s party.

He moved out to California about 15 or so years ago to find work in the film industry. Working his way through the ranks over the years from a simple production assistant to a well-respected art director, John now calls Austin, Texas home and spends much of his time working on movies shot on location, television spots filmed up in Chicago and the many, many rap music videos shot down in New Orleans. John also now commands a very nice day rate. That is, when he’s working.

Sometimes the gigs run back to back but mostly they’re fewer and farther in between. As a result, “niceties” like health insurance are left

on the back burner of monthly bills—especially when you’re just 46 years old. Food and shelter are obviously more important (and cheaper).

Thinking about John’s illness really makes me mad. One of my shortcomings is that I’ve never really been a very compassionate person. Apathetic and sympathetic, yes, but compassion in my head is generally squelched by overactive optimism or just simple disbelief. Like a 5 year old, I am convinced that if I don’t want it to happen in my life, then for some reason it won’t. But things don’t always work out that way, and that’s why I feel an overwhelming sense of pissed off when I get news like John’s. He doesn’t deserve to be in this situation. No one does—and especially not at such a young age.

Knowing John, he’ll fight this bitch like DeNiro in Raging Bull. He’s tough. A contender. But in order to come out the other side smelling more like a rose, he’ll need a few bucks. So if you feel inclined during this giving time of year, stop by JJ’s Bohemia this Friday night and make a donation to help out. There’ll be several bands (see the ad in this issue), but even if you can’t stay for the entertainment, throwing at least a fiver in the till is a really cool and inspiring thing to do. Like beating cancer.

“A bunch of his friends—and he’s blessed with many—are throwing him a benefit show with some of the local bands he helped inspire this Friday night at JJ’s Bohemia.”

Life in the Noog By Chuck Crowder

My Buddy John

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his popular website at www.thenoog.com


In terms of fantasy film franchises, “The Chronicles of Narnia” is a lot like Eli Manning. Arguably, Manning is one of the best quarterbacks in the league. But his older brother has always overshadowed him. Both brothers have championship teams, both have made their respective teams what they are today, but one will always remain at the forefront in the minds of American football fans. Life isn’t always fair.

“Narnia” has a rich mythology all its own; however, when compared with Middle Earth or the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, it lacks a certain amount of detail. C.S Lewis differs from both Tolkien and Rowling because he remained committed to his initial audience. Lewis was writing books for children. Both Tolkien and Rowling started with children, but their books took on a life of their own, with characters eventually growing into something very adult.

Lewis understood that as children aged, their focus would change. He resolved the problem by allowing for his characters to age outside of Narnia, keeping childhood at the center of the action. This is one of the reasons the series isn’t going to be majorly successful in terms of box-office numbers. It appeals to children differently than a movie like Yogi Bear or The Smurfs, asking them to consider the world without slapstick humor or pop sensibilities.

Adults may be turned off by the very obvious Christian allegory and the simplicity of the plots. But there is something very beautiful about the stories themselves. The filmmakers have done a wonderful job of bringing to life the scope of Lewis’s vision, relying on incredibly rendered CGI. I don’t feel that these films have gotten the recognition they deserve. The most recent installment, “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader”, will be no different.

“Dawn Treader” was my favorite of the Narnia books. The film takes certain liberties with the story, sometimes

changing it entirely, without losing the overall sense of fate and fortune necessary in grand adventure and perilous journey. Sometimes the dialogue seems cliché, but here is an instance where clichéd dialogue is paramount to the success of the film’s overall feel.

The action begins in England during WWII, where our heroes Lucy and Edmund are forced to stay with their horrible cousin Eustace, while their older siblings have escaped to America. Eustace is the type of boy who would be less than thrilled to be turned into a dragon, something that I always marveled at as a child. Pathways to Narnia are often hidden in the most unlikely and surprising places. This time, our intrepid youths are washed into the middle of the ocean by way of a realistic painting on the wall.

I am always amused at how the protagonists are simultaneously accepting and cynical. Neither Lucy nor Edmund are the least bit surprised to reach Narnia via hotel art, however when informed of the possibility of sea monsters, Edmund reacts with disbelief. Lucy expresses doubt at the existence of Aslan’s country, despite having met the Lion herself. It seems that belief in Narnia would come easy, particularly when the very ship on which they sail is crewed by minotaurs, fauns, and talking mice. Such are the ways of we Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve.

The plot of the film involves a search for lost swords, a quest to defeat evil, and the temptation of noble hearts. It is all at once fantastical and wonderful. I didn’t mind when the film departed from the book, because it retained the heart of the excitement found within the pages. Others may feel that the film is lacking in development, particularly in comparison to the previous installments.

I admit that the previous films were weightier, more

carefully crafted, and most likely better written. But strong writing is unnecessary when there is so much to see. The visuals in “Dawn Treader” are stunning, because seafaring adventures require incredible horizons and amazing lands. It would almost work as a silent film, so long as the vibrant colors and special effects continue to shine.

I beg readers to see “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader” in 2D, so that you can enjoy the vivid spectacle onscreen to its full potential without the characteristic dimming that comes with the 3D fad. The 3D isn’t worth it when such splendor is available in another, cheaper format. Save the extra $5 on the ticket price and treat yourself to some popcorn. It would be a travesty to see this film without enjoying it fully.

Film Feature “Dawn Treader” A Seafaring Success

By John DeVore

The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn TreaderDirected by Michael AptedStarring Georgie Henley, Skander Keynes, Ben BarnesRated PGRunning time: 1 hour, 52 minutes


New In TheatersTRON: Legacy When Sam investigates a signal sent from his father’s old arcade, he’s pulled into the digital world where his dad, Kevin Flynn, has been trapped for 20 years. With father and son reunited, they team up with the warrior Quorra on a life-or-death journey across the cyber-universe Kevin created. The buzz around this sequel to the 1980s’ cult classic TRON, one of the very first feature films to heavily feature computer animation, has been as hot as the recent weather has been cold. Filmgoers who never saw the original won’t feel all that confused, as the back story is played out fairly well. The new movie pushes the digital envelope even further, with one of the most talked-about techniques utilizing cutting-edge motion capture technology to “de-age” Jeff Bridges 20 years. Considering the 3D nature of the film, Bridges’ younger version is uncannily realistic, to the point where you wonder if producers secretly developed a time machine and just used motion capture as a marketing subterfuge. Whether audiences will embrace the new TRON more enthusiastically than the original, which did not fare particularly well in the box office, remains to be seen. Starring Jeff Bridges, Garrett Hedlund, Olivia Wilde Directed by Joseph Kosinski

How Do You Know ? Feeling a bit past her prime at 27, former athlete Lisa Jorgenson finds herself in the middle of a love triangle, as a corporate guy in crisis competes with Lisa’s current, baseball-playing beau. The return of Reese Witherspoon to the big screen after a two year absence—not counting her voicework

in Monsters vs. Aliens—is a welcome sight for both movie audiences and studio execs. Adding in the always reliable Paul Rudd and Owen Wilson to the mix and combining them with a script by rom-com auteur James L. Brooks, results in a easily-digestible recipe that will likely vault Witherspoon back to the A-list (if she ever truly left it in the first place). Starring Reese Witherspoon, Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson Directed by James L. Brooks

Yogi Bear A documentary filmmaker travels to Jellystone Park to shoot a project and soon crosses paths with Yogi Bear and his sidekick Boo-Boo. While some films that have tried to bridge the gap between last century pop-culture cartoons have fared well—Alvin & The Chipmunks comes immediately to mind—one has to wonder if Warner Brothers really had their heart in the live-action/animation mix that brings a Dan Ackroyd-voiced Yogi Bear to life. The cartoon Yogi was, at best, a one-joke character that worked well for the under-10 Saturday morning cartoon set in the ’60s and ’70s. Trying to bring him to the modern age and flesh out a story long enough for a feature film has not gone over very well with test audiences. Combined with a seemingly scattershot marketing campaign, this may be a movie destined for quick DVD release, and even then only being bought by parents to keep kids mildly amused for a short time. Starring Dan Aykroyd, Justin Timberlake, Anna Far Directed by Eric Brevig


Riley's Spirits WithinPut Patron in Santa’s Bag

By Joshua Hurley

It’s starting to look a lot like Christmas. Everywhere you go you see lights, stores are packed with holiday shoppers and kids are being extra nice, trying to stay on Santa’s good side. It’s certainly looking like Christmas at Riley’s, Chattanooga’s favorite wine and spirits store, with the annual arrival of Patron Tequila’s Quad Pack Gift Set, which is this week’s “Great Buy.” Great Buys are included in this weekly column, in which Riley’s Wine and Spirits on Hixson Pike in Hixson picks something special from the area’s largest and lowest priced selection of wine and spirits from around the world and shares it with the readership of The Pulse.

Tequila is made from the blue agave plant, a cactus-like, aloe-look-alike plant that grows in sandy, rocky, dry desert climates. It’s a relative of the pineapple, and this thorny plant can grow up to ten feet tall with sword-like clusters that can really hurt you. It’s hard to believe that this plant is the source of Mexico’s national spirit—tequila.

Once every eight to 12 years, when the sap rushes to the base of the plant, the agave blooms and the leaves wither away, leaving a 20-to-30 foot flowering stalk with a center resembling a pineapple, which weighs between 75 and 100 pounds when it’s ready to be harvested. After harvesting, the center is removed and cut into pieces. Half of it is steam cooked under pressure to turn the starches into sugars, while

the remaining half is crushed to extract all of the juices and then fermented.

Once fermented, the product is distilled two to three times, then transferred to oak barrels for aging. All tequila must be distilled in or around the Mexican state of Jalisco.

Often tequila is distilled with other sugars, up to 49 percent. This brings down the level of quality of the tequila—and can give you a nasty hangover the next day. All tequilas made by Patron are distilled from the agave at 100 percent, giving Patron Tequila a smoothness and flavor unparallel by other labels. For Christmas, Patron packages together its three flagship labels, Silver, Reposado and Anejo along with XO Café in 375mL (pint) and names it the “Christmas Quad Pack.”

Patron Silver: White, Blanco or clear tequila spirit. Silver is not aged in oak, but in stainless steel casks for no more than two months.

Reposado: Spanish for “rested”—this gold tequila is aged in oak for a minimum of two months to one year.

Anejo: Spanish for “aged” or “vintage”—this gold tequila is aged for a minimum of one year to three years in oak for outstanding smoothness.

OX Café: A delicious blend of Patron Silver and coffee essence, OX Café mixes well with most coffee products—but is a must with ice cream!

The Patron Tequila Christmas Quad Pack 375mL Boxed Set is available for a limited time at Riley’s for $89.99.


Local favorite bars and restaurants often become places of identity for their regular patrons. They become part of an emotional connection to a place, a time period in life, a particular vibe that makes their patrons feel this is the only thing that could exist there. At least some of this phenomenon was true of Parkway Billiards and its location on Patten Parkway.

Parkway Billiards closed a few months ago, leaving a void in the downtown center and a virtual black hole of choices for where to go to shoot some pool, hide out from the rest of the population and get a cocktail before catching a show at JJ’s Bohemia.

Almost before people could utter the words, “Who’s going to reopen this place?”, there were rumors of developments. Then it became clear that the partners who developed Hair Of The Dog Pub and The Terminal BrewHouse were making plans for the space.

I sat down with Matt Lewis, one of the partners, in the midst of drills whirring, saws buzzing and stone workers working on an impressively revamped facade, and asked him about how this came to be and what he and his partners envision for this property’s new keeper, The Honest Pint.

“We develop a concept and idea of what we think would fill a need in the market as well as what kind of a place we would like to frequent. We then keep an eye out for available space where we think it can happen. We do not find a space and then think ‘Hey, what could work

here?’ It’s all about the planning and what we want to present to our customers. We frequented Parkway Billiards ourselves and are sensitive to its history and the loyal following it had,” Lewis told me.

The location is also important to the central downtown district. Speaking with Kim White, president and CEO of River City Company on the development, it’s clear that it fits with RCC’s mission to attract more consumers and residents to the Central Business District.

“Geoff Tarr and Matt Lewis have proven themselves to be keen businessmen and restaurateurs with the success of Hair of the Dog near the Riverfront District and The Terminal BrewHouse on the Southside. River City Company is excited for the opening of The Honest Pint on Patten Parkway, as it will add to downtown’s retail critical mass and bring energy and vitality to the Central Business District,” says White.

“We have no desire to offer a hokey 'Irish pub' with shamrocks stenciled on the walls,” says Lewis. “We are presenting the basic elements of a traditional Irish pub, but translating certain elements of the presentation and the menu to deliver our own concept. For instance, we will have special traditional Irish ales like Harp and O’Hara’s Irish Red, but in addition to those we are introducing ‘Bomber’-style beer servings. This is basically a 22-oz. carafe of a high-gravity, craft beer. It will offer some selections of smaller batch beers that we could not offer customers before,” he explains.

Live music will be an element of The Honest Pint that the space is particularly suited for. “This space has always had the occasional live music event on the riser stage; Halloween and New Year’s Eve shows being most known here. We knew that our concept would have the occasional live music element as well and we are happy to carry that tradition on here,” Lewis adds. (See sidebar for info on the New Year’s Eve show with The Bohannons and Jason Isbell and The 400 Unit.)

As crews and staff are working for The Honest Pint’s debut on December 20, it’s hard to contain the excitement. The chandeliers have new, sparkling life. The refurbished, detailed woodwork soars up to the second story, the impressive staircase...all lovingly and skillfully attended to.

Matt Lewis says, “We’re excited to present The Honest Pint in this familiar place. We believe people will find it retaining the foundations of its comforts and familiarity, while at the same time presenting this historic space in a new, completely refreshed way.”

Pub CrawlingNew Favorite Hangout: The Honest Pint

By Robert McCrary

New Year’s Eve at The Honest Pint

Just in time for the New Year’s Eve celebrations. The Honest Pint will ring in 2011 with a very special show featuring The Bohannons and special guests Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit.Tickets: $12 advance, $15 day of showAdvance tickets can be purchased at venue or at Hair of the Dog Pub.Doors open 8 p.m.Show starts 9 p.m.The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Parkway


Free Will Astrology By Rob Brezsny [email protected]

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): My favorite news source, The Onion, reported on a proposed law that would prohibit marriage between any two people who don’t actually love each other (Onion.com/LoveLaw). Couples whose unions are rooted in mutual antipathy or indifference are of course protesting the plan, insisting that they have as much of a right to wed as those who care for each other deeply and treat each other tenderly. Whether or not this proposal becomes a formal part of the legal system, Sagittarius, I urge you to embrace it. In fact, I’ll go so far as to ask you not to do anything at all unless you are at least somewhat motivated by love. The coming months will be a time when your success will depend on your ability to rise to new heights of compassion, romance, eros, tenderness, empathy, and affection.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Let’s imagine we’re fifth-century monks living in the land that today is known as the south of France. And let’s say we decide we’re going to build a chapel in a place that has long been a pagan shrine dedicated to the moon goddess Selene. Shouldn’t we consider the possibility that our new house of worship may be imbued with the vibes of the previous sanctuary? Won’t our own spiritual aspirations be colored by those of the people who for hundreds of years poured forth their devotions? Now shift your attention to the present day, and apply our little thought experiment to what’s going on in your life. Tune in to the influences that may be conditioning the new thing you’d like to create.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I would like to steal your angst, Aquarius. I fantasize about sneaking into your room tonight, plucking your nightmares right out of the heavy air, and spiriting them away. I imagine sidling up to you on a crowded street and pickpocketing your bitterness and frustration—maybe even pilfering your doubts, too. I wouldn’t keep any of these ill-gotten goods for myself, of course. I wouldn’t try to profit from them in any way. Instead, I would donate them to the yawning abyss, offer them up to the stormy ocean, or feed them to a bonfire on a primal beach. P.S. Even though I can’t personally accomplish these things, there is now a force loose in your life that can. Are you willing to be robbed of things you don’t need?

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): In 2011, I bet that memory won’t play as big a role in your life as it has up until now. I don’t mean to say that you will neglect or forget about the past. Rather, I expect that you will be less hemmed in by the consequences of what happened way back when. You’ll be able to work around and maybe even transcend the limitations that the old days and the old ways used to impose on you. Your free will? It will be freer than maybe it has ever been. Your creative powers will override the inertia of how things have always been done.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): I vividly remember seeing singer Diamanda Galas in concert. Though classically trained, she didn’t confine herself to mellifluous melodies and elegant tones. She was a whirlwind of elemental sound, veering from animalistic bellows to otherworldly chants to operatic glossolalia. It was all very entertaining, and often enjoyable. The skill with which she shaped the sound as it escaped her body was prodigious. My companion and I agreed that “she made your ears convulse and your eyes writhe and your skin prickle—but in a good way.” How would you feel about inviting some similar experiences into your life, Aries? The astrological omens suggest this would be an excellent time to seek the rowdy healing that only disciplined wildness can provide.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Here’s a haiku-like poem by Cor van den Heuvel: “the little girl / hangs all the ornaments / on the nearest branch.” My comment: It’s cute that the girl crams all the decorations onto one small section of the tree, and maybe her parents will keep them that way. But I recommend that you take a

different approach as you work to beautify and enliven your environment. Spread out your offerings; distribute your blessings equally; make sure that everything in need of invigoration gets what it requires.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): This is a good time to go in search of any secrets you’ve been hiding from yourself. I suggest you also try to track down the “missing links” that aren’t really missing but rather are neglected. My advice is similar for the supposedly “lost treasure” you’re wondering about: Clues about its whereabouts are lying around in full view for anyone who is innocent enough to see them. P.S. Being uncomplicated isn’t normally your strong suit, but this is one of those rare times when you’ll have an aptitude for it.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): In the TV comedy series Arrested Development, Buster Bluth was an adult character who was a bit over-attached to his mother. It seemed to have to do with the fact that he lingered in her womb for 11 months before agreeing to be born. The obstetrician claimed “there were claw marks on her uterus.” I want to be sure you don’t make a comparable misstep in the coming weeks, Cancerian. It really is time for you to come out and play. Ready or not, leave your protective sanctuary and leap into the jangly, enchanting tumult.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I have imaginary friends who help me. And yes, they sometimes even give me ideas for your horoscopes. Are you OK with that? Among the many other perks my secret buddies provide, they show me where my cell phone and car keys are when I’ve misplaced them—a prime sign of their practical value. What’s your current status in regards to imaginary friends, Leo? Do you even have any? This would be an excellent time to seek them out and put them to work. In fact, I encourage you to do anything that might attract the input of undiscovered allies, behind-the-scenes collaborators, mysterious guidance, and divine assistance.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Might there be a message for you in the mist on the window? Can you find a clue to the next phase of your destiny by scanning a newspaper that the wind blows against your leg as you’re walking? Be alert for the undertones, Virgo. Tune in to the subtexts. Scan the peripheries for the future as it reveals itself a little early. You never know when the hidden world might be trying to slip you a tip. You should be alert for the deeper storylines weaving themselves just below the level where the supposedly main plot is unfolding.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A musician who records under the name of Shamantis took Justin Bieber’s silly pop tune “U Smile,” and slowed it down 800 percent. The new work was a 35-minute-long epic masterpiece of ambient electronica that The New York Times praised as “ghostly” and “oceanic.” More than two million people tuned in to hear it on the Internet. Might there be a comparable transformation in your future, Libra? From an astrological perspective, it’s prime time for you to transform a pedestrian exercise into a transcendent excursion, or a trivial diversion into an elegant inspiration, or a meaningless entertainment into a sublime learning opportunity.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): More than a few wildlife films use deception to fool the audiences into thinking they’re watching animals in the wild. So says Chris Palmer, a producer of many such films. “One classic trick involves hiding jellybeans in carcasses,” he told New Scientist. “If you see a bear feeding on a dead elk in a film, you can be pretty sure that the bear was hired from a game farm and is looking for sweets hidden in the carcass by the film-makers.” I suspect you will encounter a metaphorically comparable ruse or switcheroo sometime soon, Scorpio. It’ll be your job to be an enforcer of authenticity. Be on the lookout for the jellybeans.


JONESIN’ “In A Hotspot”–connecting wirelessly, sorta.

Crossword solutions every week at www.chattanoogapulse.com

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Crossword created By Matt Jones. © 2010 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0498.

Across1 “Switched on Bach” synthesizer5 Diamond stat8 Jack on “24”14 Sony co-founder Morita15 Fine and dandy16 Bring into har-mony17 What some things catch on like19 Candle store choices20 They can get busy during the winter and summer21 Half a dance step?22 Badminton divider23 Figures in early Salem history26 The Rent Is Too ___ High Party29 “I had too much root beer” noise30 Carson Daly’s former MTV show31 Late singer Cassidy32 Airport reader-board abbr.

33 Counters in China35 XP protection40 Frodo’s home, with “The”41 Some Monopoly spaces: abbr.42 Mauna ___43 “___ see it...”44 Ending for Scooby or Scrappy45 Space starter46 Steadfastly51 Pres. during V-J Day52 Suffix for McCa-rthy53 Least likely to speak up57 Mizrahi and Asimov59 Swimmer with large pectoral fins60 Little stream61 Gives it a thumbs-up62 Writer Sarah ___ Jewett63 Not as much64 Important65 Answer, as to an

invitation: abbr.

Down1 Bryn ___, PA2 “The Grapes of Wrath” extra3 Aromatherapist’s supply4 Sink5 Singer Bonnie6 Russian soups7 Tina’s ex8 “Seven Whole Grains on a Mission” cereal9 “No way!”10 It comes between printemps and au-tomne11 Carnival food12 Put in data13 Takes a load off18 Part of TGIF21 Ozone layer pol-lutant, briefly24 Avoided capture by25 Play Pictionary26 Drops on the lawn27 Hertz competitor

28 Vermouth drinks32 Ram’s ma’am33 “___ longa, vita brevis”34 Robert who played A.J. Soprano36 Trade gossip37 Where germs usu-ally enter38 Tyson’s ring nick-name39 Buddhist near Thailand44 “The Chronic” rapper Dr. ___45 Request46 Move like a top47 Subscription unit48 “___ die for!”49 Really really tiny50 Line section: abbr.54 Dublin’s land55 Job application nos.56 “Sons of ___” (Digital Underground song)58 Capone and Green59 Panda Express kitchen fixture


Dear Mexican, Someone wrote you a while back wonder-

ing why Mexicans have made a mess of their beautiful country. You got all bent out of shape because he called Mexico a Third World country instead of a “bottom tier” First World country. I think you missed the point of the argument. Mexico should be much better any way you look at it. The only explanation I can think of is Mexico has a defective culture and the Mexi-cans bring it with them wherever they go—not at first, mind you, when they are in the minor-ity, but after they reach close to the majority.

All you have to do to prove my view is look at New Mexico, the only state in the United States that is 50 percent Mexican. Look at the drop-out rate, crime rate, political corruption rate, illegitimate birth rate, etc. This is all in spite of the fact that New Mexico receives more money per person back for the federal government than any other state; it is still near the bottom of all the states in per-capita income. No amount of money can correct a defective culture.

Do the rest of us a favor and stop breeding. I know you can’t do that because of your defective culture, so when Armageddon comes it will be fought between the Mexicans with their pants down and Moslems with their robes up. Should be one hell of an event.— Chief Afraid-to-Use-Name

Dear Gabacho,Hello—NAFTA? American capitalism

demand for cheap Mexican labor, which stunts Mexican economic growth by depriving it of workers? And why the Land of Enchantment hate? Give me its Blake’s Lotaburgers, its Hatch Chile Festival, a smothered burrito Christmas-style, and the Santuario de Chimayó any day over whatever dump you call casa. You also

forgot to mention that New Mexico suffers one of the highest DWI rates in los Estados Unidos—but what does any of this have to do with Mexican culture? Sure, New Mexico ranks 43rd in per-capita income, but that’s still much ahead of decid-edly gabacho states such as Kentucky, West Virginia, and South Carolina. New Mexico places fifth-highest in terms of statesgetting federal pesos back—but ever figure it's because of all those elderly gabachos and their Medicare and government facilities like the Los Alamos labs that suck up that cash? Poverty has noth-ing to do with ethnic culture—and if you think so, please point out for me the Mexicans in Let Us Now Praise Famous Men. Oh, and New Mexico is 45 percent Latino—and a chingo of them come from families that arrived before Mexico. Black Legend that, pendejo.

Dear Mexican,Last year I went to Chihuahua and noticed the Mexicans I was traveling with said “gras”—like a shortened version of gracias. Is this a common thing? Can I say it?— Currently Hot Unlike Loser Assholes

Dear CHULA: I’ve never heard of gras—sounds like a

fronchi conspiracy to me —but the linguis-tic phenomenon behind it is as common to Mexican Spanish as tamales are for Navidad. Elision is the process by which speakers drop vowels, consonants and even syllables over

time to make pronouncing a word easier. It’s a natural evolution of language, but Mexican Spanish seems to favor it more than American English (which loves its contractions but has little love for elision). Of course you can elide, CHULA! Turn para into pa’, Santa Ana into SanTana, pues to pos, Vicente to Chente, papa to ‘apa—and then go truly baroque by shorten-ing vete a la chingada to ‘ta la chinga’! Sure, the custodians of Cervantes will sneer, but they haven’t mattered since…well, ever.

GOOD MEXICANS OF THE WEEK! The Southwest Organizing Project (SWOP) is one of those tireless organizations that simultane-ously battle issues affecting Mexicans while also teaching cultural awareness. They’re celebrating their 30thh anniversary this year, and the best way to support them is buying a copy of their landmark 500 Años del Pueblo Chicano/500 Years of Chicano History, a Mexi version of A People’s History of the United States, but even more radical. More info at swop.net, and la lucha sigue!

“Sure, New Mexico ranks 43rd in per-capita income, but that’s still much ahead of decidedly gabacho states such as Kentucky, West Virginia, and South Carolina.”

Ask A Mexican By Gustavo Arellano

Let Us Now Praise New Mexico

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The Pulse - Vol. 7, Issue 50

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Transcript of The Pulse - Vol. 7, Issue 50