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THE ODD COUPLE, by Neil Simon, directed by MIU Nichols, with set designed by Oliver Smith, was presented by Saint Subber :a.t the Plymoulh Theatre, N. Y. C., on March 10, 1965.

CAST OF CHARACTERS (In Order of Their Appearance)

SPEED . . ................. Paul Dooley MURRAY ................. .. Nathaniel Frey RoY .................. . Sidney Armru VINmx ............. ....... . John Fiedler OsCAR MADISON ...... Walter Malthau

FE.ux UNCAit . .... ... . Art Carney GWENDOLYN PIGEON ...... Carole Shelley CxCILY PIGEON ..... Monica Evans

SCENES An apartment em Riverside Drive. New York Oty.

ACT I A bot summer night.

ACT II Scvre J : Two weeks later. About 11 P.M. ScENE 2: A few days later. About 8 P.M.

ACT JU The next even.ing. About 7:30 P.M.

I~

The Odd Couple Acr I

Tna: A warm summer night.

SeEm: The apartment of Oscar Madison's. This is OM of those large ci~ht-room affain on Riverside Drive in the upper eighties. The building is about 35 years old and rtiJl has vestiges of it.r glorious past. High ceilings, walk-in closets and thick walls. We are m the living room with doors leading off to kitchen, bedrooms, and a bathroom, and a hallway to other bedrooms. Although the furnishings have been chosen with extreme good taste, the room itself, without the touch and care of a woman tlreu past jew months, is now a study in slovenliness. Dirty dishes, discard.:d clothes, old newspapers, ~pty bottles, glasses filled and unfilled, opened and un-opened laundry packages, mail and disarrayed fru -niture abound. The only cheerful note left in this room is the lovely view of lite New Jersey Palisades through its twelfth floor window. Three month.s ago, t his was a lovely apartment.

AT IuSE: The room is filled with smoke. A poker g~ is in fwogress There are six chairs around the table but only four men are sitting. They are simply, M URRAY, Rov, SPEED and VtNNJE. VtNNTE, with the w gest stack of chips in front of him, is neruously tapping his foot and keeps checking his watch. RoY is watchin~ SPEED and SPEED is glaring at MURRAY tr!ith incredulity and utter fascination. MURR.AY is tlu tkaler. H e slowly and P'Mtltodically tries to slruffk. It is a ponderous and painful business. SPEED sluJMI AU laC4d ilt dUbe!Uf. This is all dou wordkssl,.

J

6 11lE ODD COUPLE ACT I SP'ED. (Cups IUs chin in his llnnd and looks nt Mtm-

MY.} . Tell me, Mr. Maverick, is this your first time on rhe riverboat?

MliRR'\Y, (ll'itlr uller difrrgnrd,) You flon'l like it, get a machine. (He conlimus to deal slowly.)

Rov. Geez, it stinks in here. VtNNt. (Looks at his wntrh.) \\'bat time is it? SPEED. Agllin what time is it? VtNNTE. (Whiny.) My watch is slow. I'd like to know

what time it is. SPEED. (Glares at him.) You're winning ninety-five

dollars, that's what time it is .... \\'here the hell are you running?

VINt-:tE. l'm not runnin~ anywhere. I just asked what time it was. Who said anythin~ about running?

RoY. (Looks at his walclt.) lr's ten-thirty.

(Pause. MURllAV continues to shulfte.) Vnrnu:. (Pause.) I got to leave by twelve. SPUD. (Looks up in despair. ) Oh, Ch.ristf VINNIE. I told you that when I sat down, I got to

1eave by twehe. Murray, didn't I say that when I sat down? I said I got to leave by twelve.

SPUD. All rigbt, don't talk to him. He's dealing. (To MuR.RAv.) Murray. you wanna rest for a while? Go lie down, sweetheart.

MURRAY. You want speed or accuracy, make up your mind. (He begins to deal slowly.)

(SPEED puffs on his cigar angrily.) Rov. Hey, you want to do me a really big favor?

Smoke towards New jersey. (SPED blows smoke at Rov.)

MUUAY. No kidding, I'm really worried about Felix.

THE ODD COUPLE 7 (Points to em.pl~y chair.) He's never been this late before. Maybe someoody should calL (Yells Off.) Hey, Oscar, why don't you call Felix?

Rov. (Wavt.s hand thrOtJgh smokt.) Listen, why don't we chip in three dollars apiecr and buy another window. How the heU ca.n you breathe in here?

MutUlAY. How many cards you got, four? SPEED. Yes, Murray, we all have four cards. When you

give us one mo1re, we'll all have five. If you were to give u.s two more, ne'd have six. Understand bow it works now?

Rov. (Yells Off.) Hey, Oscar, what do you say? In or out?

(From Offstage we hear OsCAR's VoiCE.) OsCAR. (Off.) Out, pussy cat, outl

(SPEJ;D opens, and the OTHERS het.) VrNNTE. 1 told my wife I'd be borne by one the latest.

We're making un eight o'clock plane to Florida. I told you that whtn I sat down.

SPEED. Don't cry, Vinnie. You're forty-two years old. It's embarrassing. Give me two .. .. (Discards.)

Rov. Why doesn't be fix the air-conditioner~ It's ninety-eight degrees and it sits there sweating like every one else. I'm out. (Goes to window and looks out.)

MuJUtAv. Whc> goes to Florida in july? VtNNTE. It 's off season. There's no crowds and you get

the best room for one.tentb the price. No cards .. SPEED. Some vacation. Six cheap people in an empty

hotel. MURRAY. Dealer takes four .... Hey, you think

maybe Felix is sick? (He points to empty chair.) 1 mean be's never been this late before.

Rov. (Talus laundry bag from armchair and sits.) You bow it's the same garbage from last week's game. I'm beginning to recognize things.

a THE ODD COUPLE Mt:nl.RAY. (Throwing cards down.) I'm out .. SPEED. (Showing hand.) Two kings ....

Act I

VINNrt. Straight. ... (Shows hand and takes in pot.) MlTRRAY. Hty, maybe be's in his office locked in the

john again. Did you know Felix was once locked in the john overnight? He wrote out his entire will on a half a roll of toilet paper! .. . Heee, what a nut!

(VINNIE is playing with his chips.) SPeED. (Glares al him as he shuffles cards.) Don't play

with your chips. I'm asking you nice, don't play with your chips.

VINNtE. (To SPEED.) I'm not playing. I'm counting. Leave me alone Wbat are you picking on me for? How much do you think I'm winning? Fifteen dollars!

SPEED. Fifteen dollars? You dropped more than that in your cuffs! (SPEED deals a game of draw poker.)

MuRllAY. (YeUs Off.) Hey, Oscar, what do you say? OscAR. (Enttrs carrying a tray 'll!ith beer, sandwiches,

can oJ peanuts, and opened bags oj pretuls and Fritos.) I'm in! I'm in l Go ahead. Deal I (OscAR fvlAorsoN is 4J. He is a pleasant, appealing man. He seems to enjoy life lo the fullest. He enjoys his weekly pok" game, Iris friends, his excessive dri11king and his cigar.r. He is also OM of those lurky creatures in life wlto etJcn enjoys his -.,ark, a sportswriter for lite Nt'W }'ark Post. His carefree altitude is evident in the sloppiness of his household hut it seems to bother others more titan it does Osc~. Tlris u all not lo say that OscAR is without cares or w~. He ;ust doesn't seem to havt any.)

VtNNT. Aren't you going ro look at your cards? OscAR. (Sets tray on side chair.} What for? I'm gonna

bluff anyway. (Opens bottle of Coke.) Who gets t.be Cokt?

MUlUlAY. I get a Coke. Osc.u. My friend Murray, the policeman, gets a warm

Coke. (He Kives him the bottle.) RoT. (OpetU tire betting.) You still didn't lix tbe .,..

At"! 1 THE ODD COUPLE 0 frigerator? It's been two weeks now. No wonder it stinb in here.

OscA:R. (Picking up his cards.) Temper, temper. If 1 wanted nagging l'd go back with my wife .... (Tfw(1fl)J them down.) I'm out. ... Who wants food?

MuRRAY. What have you got? OscAR. (Looks tmder bread.) I got brown sandwiches

and green sandwiches .... Well, what do you say? MURRAY. What's the green? OscAR. It's either very new cheese or \'erf old meat. MtJUAY. 1'11 take the brown.

(Oscu git1es MUlUlAY a sandwich.) RoY. (Glares at MURRAY.) Are you crazy? You're not

going to eat that, are you? MURRAY. I'm hungry. RoY. His refrigerator's been broken for two weeks. I

saw milk standing in there that wasn't even in the bottle. OscAR. (To RoY.) What are you, some kind of a health

nut? Eat, Murray, eat! RoY. I've got six cards. . . . SPEED. That figures .... I've got three aces. Misdeal.

(Au. lluow their cards in. SPEED begins to shu~.) VINNtE. You know who makes very good sandwiches?

Felix. Did you ever taste his cream cheese and pimento on date nut bread?

SPEED. (To VtNNTE.) All right, make up your mind, poker or menus. (O

10 THE ODD COUPLE ACT I turbed, tives them the beer and the bags of rejreslrmmts, an4 they finally sit back in their chairs. OscAR wipes JW JuvuJ.s on the sleeve of Rov's jacket wlticlz is hanging on the back of the chair.) Hey, Vinnie, teU Oscar what time you're leaving.

VtNNIE. (uke a trained dog.} Twc!lve o'clock.. SPEED. (To Onn:Rs.) You hear? We got ten minutes

before the ne.xt announcement. All right, this game is five-card stud . ... (Deals, and ad libs c:aUing cards, mding with MUJUtAv's card.} And a bullet for the policeman . . . . All right, Murray, it's your bet. (No answer.) Do something, bub?

OscAR. (Getting drink at bar.) Don't yell at my friend Murray.

MUR.RAY. (Throwing m coin.) I'm in for a quarter. OscAR. (Proudly looks in MUR.RAl!''S eyes.) Beautiful,

baby, beautiful. (Sits down and begins to open can of peanuts.)

Rov. Hey, Oscar, let's make a n:ili!. Every six months you have to buy fresh potato chips. How can you live like his? Don't you have a maid?

OscAR. (Shakes head.) She quit after my wife and kids left. The work ~ot to be too 1mucb for her .... (IAJoks on table.) The pot's shy. Who didn't put in a quarter?

MURRAY. (To OscAR.) You didn't. OscAR. (Puts in money.) You got a big mouth, Mur-

ray. Just for that, lend me twenty dollars.

(SPEED deals another round.) MliRRAY. I just loaned you twenty dollars ten minutes

ago.

(ALL join in a round of b4~lting.) OsCAR. You loaned me len dollars twenty minutes ago.

Learn to count, pus.~ cat. MU1UtAY. Learn to play poker, chicken lickenl ..

AC:.T t THE ODD COUPLE 11 Borrow from som~ebody else. I keep winning my own money back.

Rov. (To OsCA:a) You owe everybody in the game. If you don't have it, you shouldn't play.

OsCI\R. . . All right, I'm through being the nice one. You owe me si.x do,lJars apiece for the buffet.

SPEED. (Dealing another rautld of rards.) Buffet? Hot beer and two sandwiches left over from when you went to high school?

OSCAR. What do you want at a poker game, a tomato surprise? ... M~1rray, lend me twenty dollars or l11 call your wife andl teU her you're in Central Park wear-ing a riress.

MuRRAY. You wan( money, ask Felix. OsCA:a. He's not here. MuRRAY. Neithe~r am 1. Rov. (Gives him rnnney.) All right, here. You're on

the books for another twenty. OSCAR. How many times are you gonna keep saying it?

(Takes money.) Mu:aRAv. When are you ~nna call Felix? 0-;cAR. When are we ~nna play poker? M(jRR\Y, Aren't you e,en worried? It's the first game

he's missed in over two years. OscAR. The record is fifteen years set by Lou Gehrig in

1939 I ... I'll call! I'll calli Rov. How can you be so lazy?

(TIU! PHONE rings.) OscAR. (Throwi1rrg cards in.) Call me irresponsible, I'm

funny that way. (Goes to plzone.) SPE'Et>. Pair of siixes. . . . VINNY!. Three deuces. . .. SPEED. (Throws up hands in despair.) This is my last

week. l get aH the a&,"t"avation I need at home.

(OSCAR picks up phone.) Osc.u. Hello! Oscar the Poker Player!

1Z THE ODD COUPLE V!Nl'nE. (To Osc.u.) I! it's my wife tell her rm leav-

ing at twelve. SPEED. (To VINNIE.) You took at your watch once

more and you get the peanuts in your face (To Rov.) Deal the cards! (T& game continues during Osc.u's phom convusaliots,

tvitll Rov dealing a game oj stud.) OsCAR. (lnlo phone.) Wbo? .. Who did you wan~

please? .. Dabby? Dabby who? .. No, there's no Dabby here ... Oh, Daddy! (To OTHERS.) For crise sakes, it's my k.id. (Bark into phone, he speaks with great love and affection.) Brucey, heUo, baby. Yes, it'5 Daddy! (Thue is a general outburst of ad.Jibbing Jrom the Po1

'!'HE ODD COUPLE JJ the check, right? . Fow weeks?? That's not possf!U. . Because it's not possible. . . . Blanche, I keep 1 record of every check and I know I'm only three weeks behind! .. . Blanche, I'm trying the best I can. .. Blanche, don't tblrtaten me with jail because it's not a threat. ... Wltbt my expenses and my alimony, a pris-oner takes home more pay than I dol .. Very nice, in front of the kids .... Blanche, don't tell me you're going to have mty salary attached, just say goodbye! ... Goodbye! (,fie hangs up. To PLAYERS.) I'm eight hundred dollars behind in alimony so let's up the stakes .... (Gets drink from poker table.)

Rov. She can do it, you know. OscAR. What? RoY. Throw you in jail. For non-support of the kid!. OsCAR. Never. If she can't call me once a week to

aggravate me, she''s not happy. (Crosses to bar.) MuRRAY. It doesn't bother you? That you can go to

jail? Or that maybe your kids don't have enough clothes or enough to eat?

OsCAR. Murray . Poland could live for a year on what my kids leave over for lunch! .. , Can we play cards? (Refills dn!nk.)

RoY. But that1's the point. You shouldn't be in this kind of trouble. Ws because you don't lmow how to man-age anything. l should know, I'm your accountant.

OscAR. (Crossi1~g to table.) If you're my accountant, bow come I need 1:11ooey?

Rov. If you net~d money, how come you play poker? OscAR. Because I need money. Rov. But you always lose. OSCAR. That's why I need the money! . . Listen,

I'm not complainiing. You're complaining. I get along all right. I'm living.

Rov. Alone? In eight dirty rooms? Osc.u. If I win tonight, I'll buy a broom.

(MUUAY and SP:El'7> buy chips from VINNn, and Mtm-&AY begin.r Ill shM!fte Ill~ ded Jor 11 rame of dra..)

14 THE ODD COUPLE ACT I Rov. That's not what you need. What you need is a

wife. OsCAR. How can I afford a wife when I can't afford

a broom? Rov. Then don't play poker. Oscu. (Puts down drink, rushes to ROY and they

struggle over the bal of potato chips, which rips slt~ing EvERYONE, who ALL begin to yelL at one another.) Then don't come to my bouse and eat my potato chips!

MUlUIAY. What are you yelling about? We're playing a friendly game.

SPeED. Who's playing? We've been sitting here talking since eight o'clock.

VtNNlE Since seven. That's why I said I was going to quit at twelve.

SPEED. F.ow'd you like a stale banana right in the mouth?

MURRAY. (The peaumakt!r.) All right, all right, let's calm down .... Take it easy .. .. I'm a cop, you know. I could arre5t the whole lousy game. (Finishes dealirrg cants.) Four .

OsCAJl. (Sitting al tafJte.) My friend Murray the Cop is right. Let's just play carrls. And please hold them up, I can't see where I marked them.

MURRAY. You're worse than the kids from the PAL. OscAR. But you still love me, Roy, sweety, right? Rov. (PPtulont.) Yeah yeah. Oscu. That's not ROOd enou~b. Come on, say it In

front of the whole poker game. "I love you, Oscar Madi-son."

Rov. You don't take any of this 5etiously, do you? You owe money to your wife, your government, your friends ....

OsCAR. (Tirrows cards down.) What do you want me to do, Roy, jump in the garba~ disposal and ~nd my-self to death? (The PHONE rings. He goes to answtr it.) Life goes on even for those of us who are divorced, broke and sloppy. (Into plrnne.) Hello? Oivon:ed, Broke and Sloppy. Oh, bello, sweetheart. (He hecomu very sedlle-

Acr 1 THE ODD COUPLE 15 tive and pulls p/r,one to side and talks low, but still audi-bly to Oruus, who tum and listen.) I told you not to call me during the game .... I can't talk to you now . . . . You /mow I do, darling .... AJI right, just a min-ute. (He tums.) Murray, it's your wife. (Puts phone em table and sits on sofa.)

MuRRAY. (Nods disgustedly as he crosses to phone.) I wish you were having an affair with her .. .. Then she wouldn't botlber me all the time. (Picks up phone.) Hello, Mimi. what's wrong?

(SPEED gets u1J, stretches, and goes into bathroom.) OscAR. (Womnm's voice, imitating Mimi.) What time

are you coming b1ome? (Then imitating MulutAY.) I don't know, about twelve, twelve-thirty.

MultRAY. (/ru

16 THE ODD COUPLE AC'I I

SPEED. (At tlte table.) \\'bat do you mean, missing? MtJR.RAY. He didn't show up for work today. He didn't

come home tonight. No one knows where he is. Mimi just spoke to his wile.

VtNNIE. (In his chw at tht. poker table.) Felir? MUUAY. They looked everywhere ... I'm telling

you be's missing. OsCAR. Wait a minute. No one is missing for one day VINNIE. That's right. You\'e got to be missing for

forty-eight hours before you're missing. The worst he could be is lost.

MURRAY. How could be be lost? He's forty-four years old and lives on West End Avenue. What's the matter with you?

Rov. (Sitting m armchair.) Maybe he bad an accident. OsCAR. They would have beard. Rov. If be's laying in a gutter somewhere? Who would

know who he is? OscAR. He's got ninety-two credit cards in his wallet.

The minute something happens to him, America lights up. VtNNIE. Maybe he went to a movie. You know how

long those pictures are today. SPEED. (Looks at \'rmm: r:o11temptuously .) No wonder

you're going to F1orida in July! Dumb dumb dttmb/ RoY. Maybe be was mugged? Osc.u. For thirty-six hours? How much money could

he have on him? Rov. Maybe they took hi!l clothes. I knew a guy who

was mugged in a doctor's office. He had to go home in a nurse's uniform.

{OsCAR thrrr.JJs a pUlow from the couch at Rov.) SPEED. Murray, you're a cop. What do you think? MmntAY. I think it's Ylmtthing real bad. Snro. How do you know? M!1DAY. 1 can feel it in my bones. Snm. (To OTHERS.) You hear? Bulldog Drummond. ltoY. MB.Ybe he's drunk. Does he drink?

111:t 1 ntE ODD COUPLE 17 OscAR. Felix? On New Year's Eve he has Ptepto Bis-

mal .... What are we guessing? I'll call his wile. (He picks up plume.)

SPEED. Wait a minute! Don't start anything yet. Just 'cause we don't know where he is doesn't mean 3omebody else doesn't. ... Does he have a girl?

VINNIE. A what? SPEED. A girl? You know. Like when you'ret through

work early. MuRRAY. Felix? Playing around? Are you o:azy? He

wears a vest and galoshes. SP0. (Gets up a"d moves towards MtrRRIW.) You

mean you automatically know who has and wlho hasn't got a girl on rhe side?

MUIUtAY. (Moves Jo SPEED.) Yes, I automatically know.

SPEED All right, you're so smart. Have I got li girl? MUJtRAY. No, you ha\'en't got a girl, What you've got

is what I've got. What you wish you got and what you got is a whole difftrent civilization! . . . OsctJT maybe bas a girl on the side.

SPEED. That's different, He's divorceri. That's not on the ride. That's in the middle. (Maves to tahlt.)

Osc.u. (To them BoTH as he starts to dhu.) You through? 'Cause one of our poker players is missing. rd like to find out about him.

VINNIE. T thought he looked edey the last tC:ouple of weeks. (To SPEED.) Didn't you think he looked ~edgy?

SPEm. No. As a marter of fact, I thought you looked edgy. (Moves OO"cJJn RigM.)

Osci\R. (Into phone.) Hello? ... Frances? . Qs.. car. I just beard.

Rov. Tell her not to worry. She's probably h1ysterical. MUHAY. Yeah. you know women. (Sits down on

'ouch.) Oscu. (Into phortP.) tisten, Frances, the most impor-

tant thing is not to worry. Ohl (To otlre~s. ) Sbe's not worried.

Mt."llAA'lC. Sure.

18 THE ODD COUPLE AC1' J OsCAJl. (Into ph~.) Frances. do yuu have any idea

where he could be? .. He what? ... You're ltiriding? .. Why? ... No, I didn't knovr . . Gee, that's too bad .... All ri~t, listen, Frances,. you just sit tight and the minute I hear anylhing I'll let )tOU know ... Right. .. G'bye.

(He hants up. They ALL wok at him ezputantly. He gets up wordlessly and crorses to the table, thinking. They Au. waJch him a seco1ul, not being able to .stand it any longer.)

MURRAY. Ya gonna ttll us or do we hire a private detective?

OscAR. They broke up I Rov. Who? OsCAJI Felix and Frances! They broke upl The entire

marriage is through. VJNtm:. You're kidding? Rov. J don't believe it. SPEED. After twelve years?

(OscAR sits down at the table.)

VmmE. They were such a happy couple. MURRAY. Twelve years doesn't rnean you're a happy

couple. It just means you're a long couple. SPEED. C'tO figure it. Felix and Frances. Rov. What are you surprised at? He used to sit there

every Friday ni~t and tell us bow they were fighting. SPEED. I know. But who believes F'eli.x?

VtN~E. VVbat happened? OscAR. S~ wants OUt, 'that's aJI. MURRAY. He'll ~o to pieces. I know Felix. He's going

to 'try something crazy. SPUD. That's all be ever used to talk about. "My

beautiful wife. My wonderful wife." What happened? OsCAJI. lf"JS beautiful, wonderful "ife can't stand him,

th&l's what happened.

ACT 1 THE ODD COUPLE 19 MU"RRAY. He'll kill himself. You hear what I'm !Sying?

He's going to go out and try to kill himself. SPEED. (To MuRRAY.) Will you shut up, Murray?

Stop being a cop for two minutes. (To OsCAa.} Where'd be go, Oscar?

OsCAR. He went our to kill himself. MVRRAY. What did 1 tell you? Rov. (To OsCA.R,) Are you ~rious? OscAA. That's what she said. He was going out to kill

himself. He didn'1t want to do it at home 'cause the kids were sleeping.

VrNNIE. Why? Osc.u. Wby? Because that's Felix, that's why. (Go~.t

to bar and refiUs his drink.) You know what he's like. He sleeps on the window sill. "Love me or I'll jump'' .. 'Cause he's a. nut, that's why.

MURRAY. That's right. Remember he tried something like that in the anny? She wanted to break off the en-gagement so be srarred cleanin~ guns in his mouth.

SPEED. I don't believe it. Talk! That's all Felix is, talk. VINNIE. ( Worried. ) But is that what he said? In those

words? "I'm going to kill myself"? Osc.u. (Pacing about the tab~.} I don't know in what

wort1s. She didn't 1read ir to me. Rov. You mean he left her a note? OscAR. No, he sent a telegram. MuAAAv. A Stlicide telegram? . Who sends a sui-

cide telegram? Oscu. felix, the nut, that's who! ... Can you im-

agine getting a thing like that? She even has to tip the kid a quartr.

Rov. 1 don't gl!t it If he wants to k.DJ himself, why does he send a ttlegram?

OscAR, Don't you see how his mind works? If he sends a note, she might not J!el it 'til Monday and he'd have no excuse for not being dead. This way, for a dollar ten, he's~~ a chance 110 be saved.

Vmr-m:. You mean he really doesn't want to kill him lotlf? He just want:s sympathy.

zo THE ODD COUPLE ~l ()sc.u. Wbat ltcd really b"ke is to go to the fuDenJ

and sit in the back. He'd be the biggest cryer there. MUlUlAY. He's right. OscAR. Sure I'm right. .. MURRAY We get these cases every day. All they wtmt

is attention. We got a guy who calls us every Saturday afternoon from the George Washington Bridge.

Rov. I don't know. You never can tell what a guy'll do when he's hysterical

MuJLRAY. Nahhh. Nine out of ten times they dont jump.

Rov. What about the tenth time? MuRJt.Av. They jump. He's right. There's a possibility. OscAR. Not with Felix. I know him. He's too nervous

to lull bi~lf. He wears his seat belt in a dri\e-in movie. VINNIE. Isn't there someplace we could look for him? SPEED. Where? Where would you look? Who knows tt~here he is?

,.(The DOORBELL rings. They ALL look at Osc.u.) OscAR. Of course! . . If you're going to kill yourself,

where's the safest place to do it? With your friends!

(VINNIE starts Jor door.) MUUAY. (Stop~,g him.) Wait a minute! The guy

may be hysterical. Let 's play it nice and easy. If we're calm, maybe he'll be calm.

Rov. (Getting up and joining them.) That's right. That's bow they do it with those guys out on the ledge. You talk nice and soft.

(SPUD ntshes over to them, and joins in the frmmd discussion.)

VtNNtt. What'll we say to him? MUUAY. We don't say oothin'. Like we never heard a

tbiq.

N:r 1 11IE ODD COUPLE n OsCAa. (Tryi,~tg to get their atletltion.) You tlarough

with this discussion? Because he already could have buog himself oul in t.be ball. (To VINNIE.) Vinnie, open the door\

MUUAY. Remember! Like we don't know nothin'.

(ALL rush back to their seats and grab up cards, whid they conctm:trate on with the greatest intensily. VrN-NlE opens tlte door. FELIX Uso,\R is there. Ab014t 44. His clothes are rumpled as if lte had slept in them, and he needs a thave. Altlmuglt Ire tries to act mat-ter-of-jncJ, tlr.ere is at~ air of great tension and nerv-ousness about him.)

FELIX. (Sofll:y.) Hi, Vin! (VINNIE quickly goes back to his seat and studies his cards. FELIX ltas !tis hands in his pockets, trjling to be very PZOru:ltaliJJzt. Co1ztro/J.ed calm.) Hi, fell as. (They ALL mumble lteUo, but do not look at him. He puts his coat ovc."t' the railing and crosses to the table.) H

22 THE ODD COUPLE ACT I MURRAY. Wby is it always up to me? SPEED. It's not always up to you. It's up to you now.

What do you do? .MURRAY. I'm in. I'm in. (lie throws in quarter.) Fnoc. (Moves to bookcase.) Anyone call about me? OscAR. Er .. not Lhat l can remember. (To Om-

as.) Did anyone call for Felix? (Tiley ALL shrug and tul-lib ''No.'') Why? .. Wt're you expec ing a call?

FELIX. (Looking at books on shelf.) No! ... Not .. Just asking. (He opens book and examines it.)

Rov. Er .. 1"11 set his bet and raise it a dollar. FEt..rx. (Without looking up from book.) J just t.bougbt

aomeone might have called. SPEED. It costs me a dollar and a quarter to play, right? OsCAR. Right I FELCX. (StiU looking nt book .sing-song.) But

.. if no one called, no one called. (Slams book shut and f!Uis it back . ALL jump at the noise.)

SPEED (Getting nervous.) What does it cost me to play again?

MU"R.RAV. (Angry.) A dollar and a quarter! A dollar and a quarter/ Pay attention, for crise sakes!

Rov All right. take it easy. Take it easy. {}

ACT t 11m ODD COUPLE Z3 it's a pretty view from here. . What is it, twelve floors?

Osc.u. (Quickly crossing to the wincWu1 and closing fl.) No. It's only eleven. 'rbat's alL Eleven_ It says twelve but it's reaUy only eleven. (He then turns and closes the olher window as FELIX watches him. OsCAR shivers slightly.) Chilly in here. (To OTHERS.) Isn't it chilly in here? (Crosses back to lable.)

Rov. Yeah, !hat's much better. OscAR. (To F.UX.) Want to sit down and play? It's

still early. VLNNIE. Sure. We're in no rush. We'll be here 'til three,

four in the morning. FELIX. (Shrugs.) I don't tnow .. I just don't feel

much like playing now. OscAR. (Sitting at table.) Obi .. Well ... what

do you feel like doing? FELIX. (Shrugs.) I'll find something .... (Slo.rts to

walk toward other room.) Don't worry about me .. OscAR. Where are you going? Func. (Stops in the doorway. Be looks at 0rH:us

who are all staring at him.) To the john. OscAR. (Looks at others worried, lhm at FELIX.)

Alone? FELIX. (Nods.) 1 always go alone! Why? OscAR. (Sim4gs.) No reason! .. You gonna be in

there long? FELIX. (Shrugs, then says rMtmingfully, like the mar-

tyr.) As long as it takes. (Then lie goes into the bathroom and slams the door sfnll

behind kim. Immediately they ALL jvmp up and crowd abovt the bathroom door, whispering in frm-%ied anmi'J.)

MUUAY. Are you crazy? Letting him go to the john alone?

OsCAR. What did you want me to do? Rov. Stop biml Go in with him!

THE ODD COUPLE Acr J OsCAR. Suppose be just has to go to the john? MuRRAY. Supposing he does? He's better off being

embarrassed than dead I OsCAR. How's he going to kill himself in the john? SPEF.D. What do you mean, how? Razor blades, pills.

Anything that's in 1here. ~CAR. That's the kids' bathroom. The worst be could

do is brush his teeth to death. Rov. He coulci jump. VtNNlE. That's right. Isn't there a window in there? OscAR. It's only six inch~ wide. MuRRAY. He could break the glass. He could cut his

wrists. OscAR. He coulrl also flush himself into the East River.

I'm telling you he's not going to try anything! (!tf oves to table.)

Rov. (Goes to door.vay.) Shhh l Listen : He's crying . (Tistre is a pause as ALI. liste11 as Fnrx sobs.) You bear that. lie's crying

MURRAY. Isn 't that tcrriblt? . For God's sake5, Oscar, do somethin~' Sav somelhing!

OsCAR. What? What do you say to a man who's crying in your bathroom?

(There is tlze sound nf fht TOILET flushing and RoY makes a mad dash back to his chair.)

Rov. He's comingl (They ALL scramble back to their plaus. MURRAY gets

mixed up with VINNIE and they quickly straighten it out. Fr.ux comes back into room. But lze seems calm and collected uritlr no t:tidcnt sigm of having cried.)

FELTX. I guess ni be running along. (He starts for the door. OscAR j11mps up. So do OTHERS.)

OscAR. Feli:~t, wait a second. Fatx. No! Nol I can't talk to you. I can't talk to

anyone.

L

ACT I THE ODD COUPLE zs (They ALL try to grab him, stopping him netV the stairs.)

MURRAY. Felix, please. We're your friends. Don't run out like this .

(FELIX struggles to pull away.) OscAR. Felix, sit down. Just ror a minute. Talk to us. FELIX. There's nothing to talk about. There's nothing

to say. It's over, Over, Everything is over. Let me go!

(He breaks away from them and dashes into the Stagt Right bedroom. Tltey start to chase him and Ju dodges from the bedroom through the adjoining door into thr. bathroom.)

RoY. Stop him! Grab him I Fnrx. (LookinK for 011 ex;t,) Let me out! l'\'e got to

get out of here! OsCAR. Felix, you're hysterical. Fnrx. Please let me out of here! MURRAY. The john! Don't let him get in the john! Fnrx. (Com~:s out of the bathroom into the room with

Rov hanging onto him, and the otlrrs trailing beltind.) Leave me alone. Why cioesn't everyone leave me alone?

OscA~. All right, Feli.'C, I 'm warning you .... Now cut h out! (Throws ltalf-filled glass of water, which ltr has picked up from t!te bookcase, into FELIX's face.)

Fr.ux. Jt's my problem. I'll work it out. Leave me alone .. .. Ohh, my stomach. (Ile coUapses in Rov's arms.)

.\IUAAAV. What's the matter with your stomach? Ve.oNn:. He looks sick. Look at his face.

(ALL try tn !told him as they lead him ovtr to thr COilC/t,)

Fr.ux. I'm not !'ick. I'm all right. I ciidn't talte any-tiling, I swear .. . , Ohh, my stomach.

26 THE ODD COUPLE Aal Osc.u. What do you mean you didn't take anything?

What did you take? Fnxx. (Sitlint on cllUCII.) Nothing! Nothing! I didn't

take anything .... Don't tell Frances what I did, please! . . . Oohh, my stomach.

MUDAY. He toolt somelhingl I'm telling you he took something.

OsCAR. What, Felix? W hal 'I? FELIX. Nothing! I didn't take anything. OscAR. Pills? Did you take pills? FELIX. Nol No! Osc.u. (Grabbin& FELIX.) Don't lie to me, Felix. Did

you take pills? FniX. No, I didn't. I didn't take anything. MUUAY. Thank God, he didn't take pills.

{Au. rtlca and lake a breath of relief.) FELIX. Just a few, that's all.

(ALL react in alarm and conctm over,.~ls.) Osc.u. He took pills. MURRAY. How many pills?

~.~t~dofpills? FELIX. I don't know wbat kind. Little green ones. I

just grabbed anything out of her medicine cabinet. . . . I must have been crazy.

OsCAR. Didn't you look? Didn't you see what kind? FELIX. I couldn't see. The light's broken. Don't call

Frances. Don't tell her. I'm so ashamed. So ashamed. OscAL Felix. bow-many-pills-did-you-take? FELIX. I don't know. I can't remember. OsCAR. I'm calling FTallces. FELIX. (Grabs him.) Not Don't call her. Don't call

her. If she bears I took a whole bottle of pills . MURaAY. A wltole bottle? A whole bottle of pills? (He

hun.r to VINNIE.) My God, call an ambulance! IVIN~ nms to llu front door.)

ACT l THE ODD COUPLE OsCAR. (To MURRAY.) You don't even know what

kind/ MuRRAV What's the difference? He took-a whole-

bottle! OscAR. Maybe lthey were vitamins. He could be the

healthiest one in the room! . . Take it easy, will you? FELnc. Don't call frances. Promise me you won't caU

Frances. M IYRRAV Open his collar. Open the window. Ghe him

some air. SPEED. Walk him around Don't let him go to sleep.

(SPEED and MuRRAY pick FELTX tlP and walk !tim around, while Rov rubs his wrists.)

Rov. Rub his wt'ists. Keep his circulation going VrNNl. (Runnilfg to bathroom to get a compress.) A

cold compress. Put a cold compress on his neck.

(They sit FELIX in the armchair, stiil cltattering in alarm.)

Osc."R. One doctor at a time, heh? All the interns shut the bell upl

FELIX. I'm all right. I'll be all right. ... (To OSCAR urgtntly.) You didn't call Frances, did you?

MURRAY. (To OTR_ERS.) You just gonna stand here? No one's gonna do anything? I'm calling a doctor (Crosses to phone.)

FELIX. Not No doctor. MURRAY. You goUa baye a doctor. Func. I don't ne~d a doctor. Mmu~AY. You gotta get r.he pills out. Fu.rx. I got them out. I threw up before! ... (Sits

back weakly. MUR:RAv hangs up the phtme.) Don't you have a root beer or a ginger ale?

(VrNNtE gives compress to SPEED.) Rov. (To VINNu:.) Get him a drink.

Z8 THE ODD COUPLE ACT 1 Osc.u. (Gwe.s angrily at FELrx.) He threw them upl VINNIE. Which would you rather have, Felix, the root

beer or the ginger ale? SPEED. (To VINNIE.) Get him the drink! Just get him

the drink.. (VINNIE runs into the kite/ten a.1 SPEED f'Uls lite com

press em Fux's head.) F'ELrx. Twelve years. Twelve years we were married.

Did you know we were married twelve years, Roy? Rov. (Cflmjorting !lim.) Yes, Felix. I knew. FELIX. (Great emotion in his voice.) And now it's

over. Like that it's over. That's hysterical, isn't it? SPEED. Maybe it was just a fight. You've bad fights be

fore, Felix. FELIX. No, it's over. She's getting a lawyer tomorrow .

. . My cousin .. She's using my cousinl .. (He rnbs.) Whom am 1 going to get? .

(VINNIE c01ne.s out oj kitchen with glass of rool beet.) MUR.RAY. (Patting lti..r shoulder.) It's o.Jtay, Felix.

Come on. Take it easy. VtNNIE. (Gives glass to Fnrx.) Here's the root beer. FELIX. I'm all right. Honestly .... I'm just crying.

(He puts his head down. They ail look al him hdp!rrsly ) MUIIRAY. All right, let's not stand around looking at

him. (P7~shes SPEED and VINNIE away.) Let's break it up, heh?

FELIX. Yes, don't stand there looking at me. Please. OsCAR. (To 0TJttaS.) Come on, he's all right. Let's

call it a night.

(MURJtAY, SPEED and Rov turn in their chips at the poker table, get their coats and get ready to go.)

FELIX. I'm so ashamed. Please, fcllas, forgive me. VtNNt.B. (Bending to FELrx.) Ob, Felix, we-we under-

stand.

AC'I' l THE ODD COUPLE 29 FEI.tx. Don't say anything about this to anyone, Vln-

n.i,.. Will you promise me? VINNIE. I'm going to Florida tomorrow. FELIX. Ob, that's nice. Have a good time. VINNIE. Thanks. Fnrx. (Turns away and sighs m despav.) We were

30 THE ODD COUPLE ACT l Os~. You'll be the first one I'll call, Vinnie.

(VINNI! nits Tire door closes and then reopens as M~ RAY romes bad.)

MUUAY. (To OscAll.) You're sure? OscAR. I'm sure. MURRAY. (Loud to FELIX, as he gestures to OsCAR to

come to cWor.) Good night, Felix. Try to get a good night's sleep. I guarantee you things are going ro look a lot brighter in the morning. (To OiC.U, sollo voce.) Take away his belt and his shoe laces.

(He nods and uits. OscAll turns and looks at FELtx sit ling in the armchair and slowly moves a.cros1 the room. There is a moment's silence.)

Osc.u. (He looks at FELIX and sighs.) Obh, Felix, Felix, Felix, Felix!

FLIX. (SiJs with his !read buried in Iris !rands. He doesn't look up.) I know, I know, I know, l know! ... What am I going to do, Oscar?

OsCAR. You're gonna wash down the pills with some bot, black coffee. . (He starts for kitchen, then stnps.) Do you think I could leave you alone for two minutes?

FELIX. No, I don't think sol . Stay with me, Oscar. Talk to me.

Osc.u. t\ cup of black coffee. I t'll be good for you. Come on in the kitchen. I'll sit on you.

Fwx. Oscar, the terrible thing is, J think I still love her. It's a lousy marriage but I still love her ... I didn't want this divorce.

OscAR. (Si1ti1tg on arm of couch.) How about ~ Ovaltine? You like Ovaltine? With a couple of fig new-tons .. or chocolate mallomars?

FELIX. All right, so we didn't get along ... But we bad two wonderful kids . . . and a beautiful home. . Didn't we, Oscar?

OscAll. How about varu1Ja wafers? . . Or Vienna fiqera? 1 got everything.

ACT I THE ODD COUPLE Jl

FELIX. Wbat more does she want? What does ""' woman want?

Osc.u. 1 want to know what ym. want. OvaltiDe, cof-fee or tea. Then we'll get to the divorce.

FELIX. It's not fair, da.mmitl It's just not fairl (Be bants his fisl rm the arm of the cJra;, angrily aNI nul-dLnJy winces in great pain rmd vabs Iris auk.) Ohhl Ohh, my neck. My neck I

OsCAJt. What? Wbat? FELIX. (He is up and paces in pain. 1/e is Jroldmg IW

twisted neck.) It's a nerve spasm. I get it in the neck. Ohbl Ohh, that hurts.

OscAR. (Rushing to help.) Where? Where does it hur:t? FLrx. (Strl!tches tn~l llTm like a halfback.) Don't

touch mel Don't touch mel OscAR. I just want to see where it hurts. FELIX. It'll go way. Just let me alone a few minutes .

. . . Obhl .. Ohhl OsCAR. (Movi"g lo couclr.) Lie down, I'll rub it. lt11

ease the pain. Fnrx. (/" wild conlor#mas.) You don't know how.

ll's a special way. Only Frances knows bow to rub me. 0s0Jl. You want me to ask her Ito come over and rob

you? Fnrx. (Yells.) No/ Not ... We're getting divorced.

She wouldn't want to rub me anymore .... It's tension. I get it from tension. I must be tense.

OscAR. I wouldn't be surprised. How long does it last? FELIX. Sometimes a minute, sometimes hours .. I ~nee got it while I was driving . I crashed into a hquor store .... Ohhh! Ohhh! (He sits, painjrJly, on the couch.)

OsCAR. (GtllinR behind !rim.) You want to suffer or do you want me to rub your stupid neck? (He starts ~o ma.s-.rage it.)

FELrx. Easy! Easyl OscAR, (YeUs.) Relax ... Dammit, rdaxl FELIX. (Yells back.) Don't yell at mel ... (Tia

quietly.) What should I do? Tell me niooy.

32 THE ODD COUPLE ACt I Osc.u. (Rubbint ned.) Think of warm jellol FELIX. Isn't that terrible? I can't do it. ... I can't

relax. I sleep in one position all night .. Frances says when I die on my tombstone it's going to say, " Here Stands Felix Ungar." (H~ winces.) Ohl Obhl

OscAR. (Stops rubbing.) Does that hurt? FELIX. No, it feels good. OsCAR. Then say so. You make the same sound for

pain or happiness. (Sttll'ls to massage neck agau1.) FELIX. I know. I know .. Oscar-I thin.lt I'm

crazy. OscAR.. Well, if it'll make you feel any better .. I

think so, too. FELIX. 1 mean it. Why else do I go to pieces like this?

Coming up here, scaring you to death. Trying to kill myself. What is that?

Ost:A.a. That's panic. You're a panicky person. You have a low threshold for composure. (Stops rubbing.)

FEJLIX. Don't stop. It feels good . .. Osc:.u. If you don' t relax 111 break my fingers. . .

(Toudes hiJ l1air.) Look at this . . . The only man ln the world with clenched hair . .

Fxux. I do terrible things, Oscar. You know I'm a crybaby.

OseAll. Bend over. ( Fn1x bends over and Osc.u begins lo massage hu

bdJ ~ FEux. (Head down.) I teU the whole world my prob-

lems. Os(:AJ!. (.Massaging hard.) Listen, if this hurls just tell

me btcause l don' t know what the bell I'm doing. F~::x.rx. It just isn' t nice, Oscar, running up here like

this, carrying on like a nut. Osc:.u. (FiniJires ma.ssaging.) Row does your neck

feel? Fxt.IX. (Tu,iJlS .:eck.) Better. Only my back hurts.

(Gets up 4nd paces, rubbing back.) Osc!AR. What you need is a drink. (He JlarlS jOT bar.)

,,cr t THE ODD COUPLE 3J FELIX. I can't drink. It makes me sick. I tried drinking

last night. OsCAR. (At bar.) Where were you last night? FELIX. Nowhere. 1 ju:,t walked. OsCAR. All ni~bt? FELIX. All night. OscAR. In the- rain? FELIX. No. In a hotel. T couldn't sleep. I walked around

the room all night. . . . Il was over near Times Square. A dirty, depre!ising room. Then I found myself looking out the window. And suddenly , . . I began to think about jumping.

OscAR. ( Fit lzas t-.uo glasses filled and crosses to fELrx.) What changed your mind?

FELIX. Norhing. I'm still thinking about it. OsCAR. Drink this. (He hands !Jim glass, crosses to the

couch and sits.) FELIX. I don't want to get divorced, Oscar. I don't

want to suddenly chan~e my whole lire .... (Moves to couch and sits next to bsc.ut.) Talk to me, Oscar. What am I going to do? . What am I going to do?

OsCAR. You're going to pull yourself together. And then you're going to drink that Scotch and then you and I are going to figure out a whole new life for you.

FELTX. Without Frances? Without the kids? OsCAR. It's been done before. Furx. (Paces Right.) You don't understand, Oscar.

l'm nothing without them. I'm nothing/ OsCAR. What do you mean, norbing? You're some-

tiring/ (FELIX sits in armchair. ) A person! You're flesh and blood and bones and bait and nails and ears. You're not a fish. You're not a buffalo. You're you/ .. You walk and talk and cry and complain and eat little green pills and send suicide telegrams. No one else does that, Felix. Pm telling you, yorire-tlze-only-one-of-its-kmd-in.-tlre-worldl (Goes lo bar.) Now drink that.

Ftux. Oscar, you've been through it yourself. Wbat did you do? How did you get through those first few nlgbta?

THE ODD COPPLE ACT 1 Osc.u. {Pourr drink.) I did exa

"CT t THE ODD COUPLE 35 Rt does this strcnge sound another time. Osc.u looks IU him dumbfoundtd.)

O!;cAR. Wbal are you doing? Fttrx. I'm trying to clear my ears. You create a pres-

sure im;ide and then it opens it up. (He be.JlOttJs again.) OsCAR. Did it open up? Ftux. A little bit. (He rubs neck.) 1 think I strained

my throat. (Pates about the room.) OscAR. FelL~. why don't you leave yourself alone?

Don't tin'.er. Ftux. I can't help myself. I drive everyone crazy. A

marriaAe counselor onct kicked me out of his office. He wrote on my chart, Lunaticr ... I don't blame her. It's impossible to be married to me.

OSCAR. It takes two to make a rotten marriage. (Iks back down on couclr.)

Ftux. You don't know what I was like at home. I oouf(ht her a book and made her write down every penny we spent. Thirty-eight cents for cigarettes, ten cents for a paper. Everything had to JtO in rbe book. And then we had a big fight because I said she fo~ot ro write down how much the book was . Who could live with any-one like that?

OsCAR. An accountant I . What do I know? We're not perfect. We all ha' e faults.

Fnrx. Faults? Heh! ... 'Faults .... We have a maid >ho comes in to clean three rimes a week. And Oil the other days, Frances does the cleaning. And at night, after they've both cleaned up, I go in and clean the whole place again. I can't help it. I like thin~ clean. Blame it Oil my mother. I was toilet trained at five months old.

OscAR. How do you remember thin~ lik~ that? FELIX. I loused up the marriage. Nothing was ever ~ht I used to recook everything. The minute she walked out of the kitchen I would add salt o; pepper. It's not that I didn't trust her, it's just that I was a better cook. Well, I cooked myself out of a marriage. (Be bants

36 THE ODD COUPLE ACT I /Us head with the palm of his ltand IJ:ree times.) God-damfU!didwtl (Sinks down in annchair.)

OscAR. Don't do that. you'll get a headache. Fn1x. I can't stand it1 Oscar. l hate me. Oh, boy, do

I hate me. OscAR. You don't bate you. You love you. You think

no one has problems like you. fRLJX. Don't give me that analyst jazz. I happen to

k..now I hate my guts. o~cAR. Come on, Felix, I've never sun anyone so in

love. FELIX. (HUTI.) I thou~bt you were my friend. OscAR. That's why l can talk to you like this. Because

I love you almost as much as yort do .... FELIX. Then help me. OscAR. (Up on one tlhnw.) How can I help you when

I can't help myself? You think yo11're impossible to live with? Rlancbe used to say, "What time do you want din-ner?" And I'd say, "I don'( know. I 'm not hungry." Then at three o'doc.k. in the morning I'd wake her up and !':ly, "Now I" ... I've been one of the highest paid spurts writers in the East for the past fourteen years-and we sa\ed ei~ht and a half dollars-in pennies! I'm never home, I gamhle, 1 bum ci~r holes in the fumitu~. drink like a fish and lie to her every chance I get, and for our tenlh wedding anniversary, I took ber to see the Ne'v York Rangers-Detroit Red Wings hockey ~e.,,. where !ihe got hit with a puck. And I .still can't under stand why !'.he left me. That's how impossible I ami

FELIX. I'm no1 like you, Oscar. [ couldn't take it living al1 alone. I don't know how I'm ~oing to work. They've got to fire me. . . How am I going to make a living?

OscAR. You'll go on street comers and cry. They'll throw nickels at you I You '11 work, Felix, you 'II work. (Lies back down.)

FELIX. You think I ought to call Frances? OscAR. (About to explode.) What for? (Sits up.) Fnrx. Well . . . talk it out again. Osc.u. You've talked it all out. There are no words

ACT J nm ODD COUPLE JJ Iefl in your entire marriage. When are you going to face up 10 it?

FELIX. 1 can't help it, Oscar, r don't know what to clo. OscAR. Then lislen to me. Tonight you're going to

sleep here. And tomorrow you're going to get your clothes nnd vour electric tooth brush and you'll move in ,yjth me.

Fi:LJx. No, no. It's your apartment. I'll be in the way. OSC

THE ODD COUPLE A.Cf PHONE ring.t. OsCAR picks it up quickly.) HeDo? .. Oh, hello, Frances!

FELIX. (Stops cleaning and starts to wove his arms wildly and whispers screamingly.) I'm not here! f'm not here! You didn't see me. You don't know where I am I didn 't call. I'm not here. I'm not here.

OscAR. (Into phone.) Yes, he's here. FELIX. (Pacin~ ba k and Jnrtll ) How does she sound?

Is she worriE'd' I,; she crying? What is she saying? Does she want to speak to m~? I don't want to speak to her.

OsC.-\R (Into p110ne.l \'es, he is! .. Fnrx You can tell her I'm not coming back. I've

made up my mind. T\c had it rhere. I've taken just ~ much as she has You cnn tell her for me if ~he thinks I'm comin~ back she's got another think coming. Tell her Tell her.

Osc,\R. (lntn phcmr.,) Ves 1 Yes, he's fine. FELIX. Don't tell her ['m fint> 1 You heard me carrying

on before. \\"hat are you telling her that for? I'm not fine.

OsCAR. (Into plzonP.) Yes, 1 understand, Frances. Fntx. (Sits dow,z next to Osc.\R.) Does she want to

speak to me? Ask her if shr. wants to speak to me? O~CAR. (Into phone.) Dn you want to speak to him? FnTX. ( Rrrvhes for plume.) Give me the phone. I'll spea~ to her.

OscAR. (Into phone.) Oh. You don't want to speak to him.

Fur.

Ac:f J THE ODD COUPLE 39 OscAll. (Pats FELtx on shoulder.) Listen, Felix, it's

almost one o'clock. (Gets up.) FELIX. Didn't want to speak to me, huh? OscAll. I'm going to bed. Do you want a cup of tea

with Fruitanos or Raisonetlos? FELIX. She'll paint it pink. She always wanted it pink. OscAll. I'll get you a pair of pajamas. You like stripes,

dotS, or animals? (Goes into Down~tage bedroom.) FEux. She's really heartbroken, asn't she? . I want

to kill myself and she's picking out colors. OsCAJt. (In bedroom.) Which bedroom do you want?

I'm lousy with bedrooms. FEUX. (Up and moves towards bedroom.) You know,

I'm glad. Because she finally made me realize .. it's over. It didn't sink in until jusa this minute

Osc.u. (Comes back witlt pillow, pillowcase, and pa-jamas.) Felix, I want you to go ro bed.

FtLrx. 1 don't think I believed her until just now. My marriage is really over.

0SCAll. Felix, go to bed. FELtx. Somehow it doesn't seem so bad now. I mean I

think I can live with this thing. OsCAR. Live with il tomorrow. Go to bed tonighL Fnrx. In a little while. I 've got to think. I've got to

start rearranging my life. . .. Do you have a pencil And paper?

O~CAR. Not in a little while. Now! It's my house, I make up the bedcime. (Throws pa,amas to him.)

Furx. Oscar, please. . .. I ha\'e to be alone for a few minutes. I've got to get organized. Go on, you go to bed .... I'll-I'll clean up. (Begins picking up debris from floor.)

Osc.u. (Putting f'illow in pillowcase.) You don't have to clean up. I pay a dollar fifty an hour to clean up.

Fnrx. It's all right, Oscar, I wouldn't be able to sleep '!rith all this dirt around anyway. Go to bed. I'll see you lll the morning. (Puts dishes on tray. )

Oscu. You're not going to do anything big, are yoo, UU rolling up the rug:s?

40 THE ODD COUPLE FELIX. Ten minutes, lhat's all I'll be. OscAR. You're sure . . . ? FELIX. (Smiles.) I'm sure. OscAR. No monkey business?

ACT 1

Fux. No monkey business .... I'll do lhe dishes and go right to bed.

OsCAR. Yeah .... (Crosses up to his bedroom, throw ing pillow into the Downstage bedroom as he passes. Closes /tis bedroom door belzi11d him.)

Furx. (Calls him.) Oscar! (OsCAR anxiously comes out of his bedroom and crosses to FELIX.) I'm going to be all right! . . It's going to take me a couple of days

. but I'm going to be all rigbL OsCAR. (Smiles.) Good! Well-good night, Felix.

(He turns to go to-.oards bedroom as FELIX begins to plump up pillow from lhe rouch.)

FELIX. Good night, Frances.

(OscAR stops dead. FELIX, rmaware of his error, plumps another pillow as OsCAR turns and stares at FELIX with a troubled, troubled expression.)

CURTAIN

ACT II

ScENE 1

Ttm:: Two weeks later. About 11:00 P.M.

AT RISE: It is la1!e in the evcnint and the poker game is in session again. VINNIE, Rov, SPEED, MUll.RAY and O SCAR are all. seated at lite table. FELIX's chair is empty. Tlur.~ is one major difference between litis scc11c and tire opcni11g poker game scene. It is the appearance of the room. It is immaculately clean. No, not clean. Sterilf! Spotless/ Not a speck of dirt can be seen under tile ten coats of Johnson's Glo Coat tlzat ltave bew applird ;, tile last two weeks No laundry bags, no dirty disltes, no !Jalf-filled glasses. Suda!tJuy Ftttx apprars from the kitchen. Hr carries a tray with glasses and food and napkins, After putting tile tray do-.vn, he takes the napkins one at a tin1e, flicks them out to full length and hands one to t:Very player. Tltey take them with grumbling rmd pul litem on t!tt:ir laps. FELIX picks up a can of beer and tl'ry carefully pours it into a taU glass, m1~asuring it perfectly so that not a drop spills or over.~ows. With a flourish he puts can down.

FniX. (Moves to MUUAY.) .. An ice-cold glass of beer for Murray.

MURtAV. CHe reaches up for it.) Thank you, Felix. FEux. (Holds glass back.} \Vhere's your coaster? MmutAY. My what? Fntx, Your coaster. The little round thing that goes

under the glass. MtraaAv. (LooJ!s around tm tht tablt.) I think I bet it. Osc.u. (Picks lit up and hands it to MUUAY.) llmew

I was winning too much. Here I t

4Z THE ODD COUPLE ACT n Fnrx. Always try to use your coas!ers, fellows. (He

flicks up another drittk from tray,) Scotch and a liule bit of wa1er?

SPF.F.D. (Raises lrand.) Scotch and a little bi: of water. (Proudly.) And 1 have my coaster. (lie hold\ it up for inspNtion.)

Fnrx. (Hands him dri"k.) I hate to be a pest, but you know what wer glasst"s do? {Goes bock to tltP. tray and picks up atrd wipes a clean ashtray.)

0$CAR, (Coldly and deliberately.} They-lea\e-liltle-rings-on-the-table.

FELIX. (Nods.) Ruins the finish. Eats right through the polish.

OscAR. (To OTHERS.) So let's warcb those little rings, bub?

FELTX. (Takes ashtray and plate with a nznd

ACT U THE ODD COUPLE 43 right back. (FELI::X slarls out, then swps at a little box ott the har.) Who turned off the Pure-A-Tron?

MuRRAY. The what? FELIX. The I'ureA-Tronl (He snaps u back on.)

Don't play with this, fellows. I'm trying to get some of the grime out of r.he air.

(8~ looks at tlwm a11d shake.s ltis hwd disapprovingly, and exits. TJiey ALL sit in silence a jew seconds.)

OsCAR. Murray-1'11 give you two hundred dollars for your gun.

SPf.EO. (Thro'IJ~S his cards on table and gets up an-grily.) I can't ta.ke it any more. Uland an neck.) I 've had it up to here. In the last three hours we played four minute' oi poker. l'm not giving up my Friday nights to watch c0oking and housekeeping.

Rov. (Slump,d in Iris chair, head hangi11g dqwn ,) I can't brPathe. (Pomts to Pure-.4-Trcm.) That lousy ma-chine is ~ucking e-\erything out of the air.

VtNNtE. (Cheu:i1zg.) Gee, this is delicious. Who wants a bite?

MIIRRAY. Is the toast warm? VINNIE. Perfe

THE ODD COUPLE Act .D nigl!lt a week. I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins twenty-four hours a day. (Moves to window.)

RoY. It was better before. With the garbage and the smoke, it was better before.

Vnmm. (To MUUAY.) Did you notice what he does with the bread?

Muu.n. What? VtNNIE. He cuts off the crusts. That's why the sand-

wiab is so light . .MURRAY. And then he only uses the soft, green part

of the lettuce. {Chewing.) It's really delicious. SPEU. (Reacts in amasement and disgust.) I'm going

out of my mind. OsCAR. (YeLls t()'U)ard.s kitchen.) Fel.ixl .. Damn it,

FE..UXI SPEED. (Takes kitty box from bookcase, ~ts il tm tab4~, and puts money in.) Forget it. I'm going home.

OscAR. Sit down! 5PED. I'll buy a book and I'll start to read again. OsCAR. Siddownl Will you siddownl (YeLls.) Feliz/ SPEED. Oscar, it's all over. The day his marriage busted

up was the end of our poker game. (Takes his jarket fr01'.>s back of chair and crosses lo door.) If you find some real players next weelr., call me.

OsCAR. (FoUowing him.) You can't run out now. I'm a big loser.

SPEED. (With door open.) You got no one to blame but yourself. It's all your fault. You're the one who stopped him from killing himseH. (Be exits and slams do01r.)

OscAR. (Stares at tU>or.) He's right! ... The man is absolutely right. (Moves to table.)

MU1UtAY. (To VtNNlE.) Are you going to eat that pickJe?

V tNNIE. I wasn't thinking of it. Wby? Do you want it? MUllltAY. Unless you want it. It's your pickle. VINNIE. No, no. Take lt. I don't usually eat pickle.

ACT D THE ODD COUPLE 4S slaps lhe plate 111/Uch sends the pickk ftyinl l,tn~fll lhe air.)

OscAR. Deal the car

46 THE ODD COUPLE ACT 0 (There is a moment's silence. OscAR goes back to table

and sits.) OscAR. We got just enough for handball! FEux. Gee, I'm sorry. Is it my faull? VtNNtE. No, I guess no one feels like playing much

lately. MURRAY. Yeah. I don't know what it i,;, but some-thin~'s happening to the old gang. (Goes to side chair, sits, and puts nn sltoe.s.)

O~CAR. Don 'I you know what's happening to the old gan~? It 's breaking up. Everyone's getting di\orccd ... I swear, we used to have better games wht!n we couldn't get out at night.

VtNNIE. (Getting up and pulling on jacket. ) "'"II-I guess I'll be goin~. too. Bebe and I are dri\'ing to Asbury Park for the weekend.

FF.ux. Just the two of you, heh? Gee, that's nicel . . You always do things like that together, don't you?

VINNIE. (Shrugs.) We ha'e to. I don't know how to drhel . . (Takes all the money from tit~ kill.v box und motr.s to donr.) You coming, Murray?

MURR.\Y. (Gets up, takes jacket and motl's tOtcards door.) Veah, why not? If ['m not home hy one o'clock with a hero sandwich and a frozen tclair, she'll have an all-points out on me . .. Ahh.b, you guys got lhe life.

FF.r.rx. Who? ::'\1URRAY. (Turns bark.) Who? .. You The Marx

Brothf'rs! Laugh laugh laugh. What have ynu got to worry about? ... If you suridt>nly want to ~ 10 the Playboy Club to hunt Bunnies, who's ~onna stop you?

FELTX. I don't belong to the Playboy Club. MuRRAY. I know you don't, Felix, it's just a figure of

speech .... Anyway, it's not such a bad idea. Why don't you join?

FELI'X. Why? MuRRAY. W lty? Because for twenty-fi\e dollars they

gfve you a key-and you walk into Paradise. My keys cost thirty cents-and you 'Ralk into corned beef and

ACT n THE ODD COUPLE cabbage. (He winks at him.) Listen to me. (Mo-ues lo door.)

FEl.IX. What are you talking about, Murray? You're a happil\' marrkd mao.

MuRRAY. (Turns back on landing.) I'm not talking about my situation ... (Puts on jacket.) I'm talking abour yours/ .. Fate bas just played a cruel and rot-tt>n trick on you ... so enjoy it! (Turns to go, reveal-ing ''P,.tL" letters sewn on back of Ids jacket.) C'mon, Vinnie.

(Vt~Nn: waves goodbyt and they both exit.) FLrX. (Staring at door.) That's funny, isn't it, Oscar?

. . They think we're happy .... They really think we're enjoying this .... (Gets up and begins to straighten up chairs.) They don't know, Oscar. They don't know what it's like. (He gives a short, ironic laugh, tucks nap-ki7zs 1mder arm and starts to pick up dishes from table.)

OscAR. I'd be immensely grateful to you, Felix, if you didn'r clean up just now.

Futx. (Puts dishes on tray.) It's only a few things. . (He stops and looks back at door.) I can't get oveJ what Murray just said .. You know I think they really envy us. (Clears more stuff from table.)

0S

48 THE ODD COUPLE ACT a OscAR. There's something wrong with this system,

that's whAt's wrong. r don't think that two single meu living alone in a big eight-room apartment should have a cleaner house than my mother.

FELIX. (Gets rest of dish,~, glasses and coasters from table.) What are you talking about? I'm ju5t going to put the dishes in the sink. You want me to leave them here all rugbt?

OscAR. (Takes his glass which Ftux has ?fcl on tray and crosses to bar for refill.) I don' t care if you lake them to bed with you. You can play Mr. Clean all you want. But don' t make me feel guilty.

FELIX. (Takes truy into kitchm, leaving n.viugi1:g door o~n.) I'm not asking you to do it, Oscar. You don't have to clean up.

OsCAR. (Moves up to door. ) Tltafs why you make me feel guilty. You're always in my bathroom hanging up my towels. . Whenever I smoke you follow me around with an ashtray . . Last night I found you washing the kitchen floor shaking your bead and moaning, ''Foot-prints, footprints"! (Paces Right.)

fLIX. (C~s back to table wil/1 silent butkr into which he dumps the ashtrays, thtn wipes them care-fuUy.) I didn't say they were yours.

OsCAR. (Angrily; sits Down Right in wmg chair.) Well, they were mine, damn it. I ha\'e feet and they make prints. What do you want me to do, climb across the cabinets?

FELIX. Noll want you to walk on the floor. OscAR. I appreciate thal! I really do. FELIX. (Crosses to telephone table and cleans ashtraJ

there.) I'm just trying to keep the place livable. I didn't realize I irritated you that much.

Osc.u. I just feel I should have the right to decide when my bathtub needs a going over with Dutch Cleanser . It's the democratic wayl

FELix. (PIUs down silent bsltler and rag on coffee table end sits down on couch, glumly.) 1 was wonderin~ bow long it would takL

Act' u THE ODD COUPLE .9 Osc.u. How long what would take? FELIX. Before .1 got on your nerves. OscAR. I didn't say you get on my nerves. Fr:LtX. Well, itt's the same thing. You said I irritated

you. Y ''d ed I didn' OscAR. ou sru~ you 1rnta! me, t say 1t. FEUX. Then what did you say? OscAR. I don't know what I said. What's the difference

what 1 said? FELrx. It doesn't make any difference. I was just re-

peating what I thought you said. OSCAR. Well, don't repeat what you tlwught I said.

Repeat what I said! ... My C".od, that's irritating! FEt.rx. You see! You did say it! OscAR. I don't believe this whole conversation. (GttJ

up and paces above table.) Fn1x. (Pawin,g with a cup.) Oscar, I'm-I'm sorry. 1

don't know what'!> wrong with me. OscAR. (Paces Down Ritht.) And don't pout. If you

want to fight, we''ll fight. But don't pout! Fighting I win. Pouting you win I

FEux. You're right. Everything you say about me is absolutely right.

OSCAR. ( Reolly axgry, turns to FELIX.) And don't gi\'e io so easily. I'm 1wt always righl. Sometimes you're right.

FELtx. You're right. I do that. l always figure I'm in the ~Tong,

0

50 THE ODD COUPLE Fnrx. Because I'm trying to control mysd.f. OsCAR. Wby? FELIX. What do you mean, why?

ACT D

OsCAR. Wby do you have to control yourself? You're angry, you felt like throwing the cup, why don't you throw it?

FELIX. Because there's no point to it. I'd still be angry and I'd have a broken cup.

OscAR. How do you know how you'd feel? Maybe you'd feel wond,.,ful. Why do you ha~e to control every single thought in your head? ... Why don't you let loose once in your life? Do something that you fetJ like doing-and not what you think you're supposed to do. Stop keeping books, FeliJt. Relax. Get drunk. Get angry . . . . C'mon, break the GodtUJmned cup!

(FELTX sudtknly stands up tmd hurls the cup against tlu door, smaslting it to pieces. Then he grabs /Us shoul du in pam.)

FELIX. Owwl ... I burt my ann! (Sinks down o" cllUCh, massaKing his arm.)

OsCAR. (Tlrrows up hands.) You're hopeless! You're & hopeless mental case I ( Pacr.s about the table.)

FELIX. (Grimacing with pain.) I'm not supposed to throw with that arm. What a stupid thing to do.

OsCAR. Why don't you live in a closer? I'll leave your meals outside the door and slide in the papers. Is that ~e enough?

FELIX. (Rubbing arm.) I used to have bursitis in ~ ll1Jl. 1 had to give up golf .. Do you have a heating pad?

OsCAR. How can you hurt your ann throwing a cup? lJ it had coffee in it, that's one thing. But an empty ~ . . . (Sits in wing chair.)

Fnrx. All riu, cut it out, Oscar. That's the way I am. I get burt easily. I can't help it.

Osc.u.. You're not going to cry, are you? I think alJ thole tears dripping oo the arm is what gave you bursitis.

-Act u THE ODD COUPLE .51 FELIX. (Holding arm.) I once got it just from combing

my hair. OscAR. (Shaking his head.) A world full of roommates

and I pick myseii the Tin Man. (Siglzs.) Ob, well, I sup-pose I could have done worse.

FLIX. (Puts rag and filent butlrr Ol'l bar. Takes chip bo~ from bar and crorses to table.) You're darn right, you could have. A lot worse.

OscAR. How? FELIX. What do you mean, how? flow'd you like to

live with Ten-thumbs Murray or Sperd and his complain-ing? (Gets down on Jzis knPes, picks up "lips and pu~s tlrem into bo%.) Don'l forget I cook and clean and take care of this house. I save us a lot of money, don't I?

OsCAR. Yeah, but then you keep me up all night count-ing it.

FELIX. (Goes to table and sweeps chips and cards into boz.) Now wait a minute. We're not always going at each other. We have some fun too, don't we?

OsCAR. (Crosses to couch.) Fun? FeliJt, getting a dear picture on Channel Two isn't my idea of whoopee.

FELIX. What are you talking about? OscAR. All right, what do you and I do e\'ery night?

(Takes off sneakers, dropping tltr.m on floor.) FEt.rx. What do we do? You mean afrer dinner? OscAR. That's ri~bt. After we've had your halibut

steak and the dishes are done anrl the sink bas been Brillo'd and the pans have been S.OS.'

THE ODD COUPLE ACT D You have a lot to say. What's worrying me is that I'm beginning to listen.

Feux. (PuJl.s table up into alcove.) Oscar, I told you a hundred times, just tell me to shut up. I'm not sensi tive. (Pulls love seat down into room, and centers labl~ between windows in aJcov~:.)

OsCAR. I don't think you're getting my point. For a husky man, I think I've spent enough evenings discussing tomorrow's menu. . .. The night was made for other things.

Furx. Like what? (Puts two dh1ing chairs 11eatly at Left and Doum of the table.)

OsCAR. Uke unless 1 get to touch something soft in the next two weeks, I'm in big trouble.

FELIX. You mean women? (Puts two other di1zing cluzirs neatly at Rigltt and Dow11 of table.)

OscAR. If you want to give it a name, all right, women! FELIX. (Picks up two kitchen chairs and start.~ to-

wards landing.) That's funny. You know I haven't even thougM about women in weeks.

OscAR. I faD 1.o see the humor. FELIX. (Stops.) No, that's really strange I mean when

Frances and I were happy I don't think. rbere was a girl on the street I didn't stare at for ten minutes (Croue; to Up Left kitchen door, puslre-S it open with back.) I used to take the wrong subway home just following a pair of legs . .. But since we broke up, I don't even know what a woman looks like. (Take.f dzairs into kitcltrn )

OscAR. Well, either I could go downstairs and buy a couple of magazines . . . or I could make a phone call.

FEl.TX. (Fr~m the kJtclten, as he wasltes dishes.} What are you saying?

OscAR. (Crosses to humidor OtJ small table Down Right and takes cigar.) I'm saying let's spend one night talking to someone with hij!ber voices than us.

FELIX. You mean go out on a date? OscAR. Ya .. FELIX. Oh, well. 1-1 can1t. Osc.u. Why not?

-ACT D 1:-HE ODD COUPLE SJ FELIX. WeD, it's all right for you. But I'm still mar-

ried. OscAR. (Paces I!D11Jards kitchen door.) You can clreal

until the di\'orce C)mes through! FELIX. It's not that. It's jw;t that ... I have no--

no feeling for it. l:an't explain it. OsCAR. Try! FELIX. (Comes to doorway with brush and di.th in

hmd.) Listen, I intend to go out. I get lonely, too. But I'm just separated a few weeks. Give me a little time. (Goes back to sink.)

OscAR. There iSJ,'t any time left. I .saw 1V Guide and there's nothin~ on this weeki (Paces ;,to and through kitchen and out kitchen door on landing to Down Right.) What am I asking you? All I want to do is have dinner with a couple of girls. You just have to eat and talk. It's nor hard. You've e;!llen and talked hefore.

FELIX. (In kitcJ.ren.) Why do you need me? Can't you go out yourseii?

0SC\ll. Because I may want to come baclc here. And if we walk in and find you washing the windows, it puts a damper on things. (Sits Da'IUPI Right.)

FEL1X. (Pokes /r.~ad out o.f kitchen.) I'll take a pill and go to sleep. (Bad rfnto kitchen.)

OscAR. Why lakoe a pill when you can take a girl? FEt.rx. (Come$ .out with aProsol bomb held higlt over

Iris head, and circles the room spraying it.) Because I'd feel guilty, that's ''"hy. Maybe it doesn't make any sense to you, but that's lhe way I feel. (Puts be>mb on bar tl1ld takes silent butler and rag into kitcht"11. Places th"" on .!mk and busily begins to wipe refrigtrator.)

OscAR. Look, for all I care vou can take her in the kitchen and make a blueberry pie. Dut 1 think it's a lot healthier than sitting up in your bed everv night writiag

Fran~ name all through the crossword puzzles ... Just for one night, talk to another girl.

.FELrx. (Pushes love seat carefully m -position Dtntm m,~a ad sits; -.eounmr.) But-who would I call? The

54 THE ODD COUPLE Acr D only sin!Zle girl T know is my secretary and I don't think she likes me.

OsCAR. (lumps up and crouclu~s nl'xf to FELIX.) Leave that to me. There's two sisters who live in this building.

En~lisb girls. One's a widow, the other's a divorcee. They' re a barrel of laughs.

FF.LtX. llow do you know? OsCAR. I was trapped in the elevator with them last

wtek. (Ruru Ia telephone table, puts directory on floor, and gets down 1)11 kners to look jar number.) I've been meaning to call them but I didn't know which one to take oul. This11 be perfect.

Fr.ux. What do they look like? OSCAR. Don't worry. Yours is very pretty. FELrx. I'm not worried .... Which one is mine? OsCAR. The divorcee. (Looking in book.) Fnrx. (Goes to OscAR.) Why do I get the divorcee? OsCAR. I don't care. You want the widow? (Circles

nutnber on page witlt crayon.) fLrx . (Sitting o, cour h.) No, I don't want the widow.

I don't even want the divorcee. I'm just doing this for you.

OscAR. Look, take whoever you want. When rhey come in the door, point to the sister of your choice. (Tears page out of the book, runs to bookcase and hangs it up.) I don't care. I just want to have some laughs.

fELrX. All right. All right. 0SCI\R. (Crosses to couch, sits next to FtLrx.) Don't

say all right. I want you to promise me you're going to try LO have a good time. Please, Felix. It's important. Say I promise.

FELIX. (Nods.) I promise. OSCAR. r\gain I FELIX. I promise! OscAR. And no writing in the book., a dollar thirty for

the cab. FLtx. No writing in the book. OscAR. No one is to be called Frances. It's Gwendolyn

and Cedly.

AC'f n THE ODD COUPLE FELTX. No Frances. ()scAR. No crying, sighing, moaning or groaning. Ftux. I'll smile from seven to tweh.e.

ss

QsCAJt. And t.h.is above all, no talk of the past. Only the present.

FtLrx. And the future. OsCAR. That's the new Felix I've been waiting for.

(uaps up and ftrances Right.) Ob, is this going to be a night. Hey, where do you want to go?

FELIX. For what? OsCAR. For dinner. Wbere'll we eat? FELIX. You mean a restaurant? for lhe four of us?

It'll cost a fortune. OSCAR. We'll cut down on laundry. We don't wear

socks on Thursdays. FELIX. But that's throwing away money. We can't

afford it1 Oscar. OsCA:R. We have to eat. FET.JX. (Moves to OscAR.) We'll have dinner here. OsCAR. Here? FELIX. I'll cook. We'll sa\'e thirty, forty dollars. {He

fOe.t lo couch, sits, and picks up phone.) OsCAR. What kind of a double date is that? You'll be

in the kitchen all night. Furx. No, I won't. I'll put it up in the afternoon.

Once I get my potatoes in, I'll have all the time in the world. (He starts to dial.)

OscAR. (Pacint back and forth.) What happened tD the new Felix? ... Who are you callinA?

FEtrx. Frances. I want to get her recipe for London broil. The girls'll be crazy about it.

(He dials as OsCAR storms off towards his bedroom.} CURIAJN

56 THE ODD COUPLE ACT II

Sam z

Tua: A Jew days later. About 8 o'clock.

ACT D

AT RxsE: No one is on Stage. The dining table looks like a page out of House and Gardet:. It's set up jor din-ner for four, complete witlt linm tablecloth, catzdlt!s and 'I.IJine glasses. There is a floral centerpiece at1d /fO"JJt:rs about the room, and crackers and dip on the coJJu table. There arc sounds of ACTIVITY in the kitchrn. The front door opens and OscAR enters with a bollle of'I.IJine in a br011Jtl paper bag, and JUs jacket over his arm. He looks abnut gltejully as he listens to the sounds from t/;e kitchen. He puts lite bag ()1t the table and his jacket over the cltair, DO'IJJn Right .

OsCAR. (Calls out. In a playjul mnod.) I'm home, dear! (He goes into his bedroom, lllkit:g off his shirt, a11d comes Jkipping out shavin.g uillz a cordless razor, and with c clean shirt ar.d a tie over his aJ'm. He is joyjuUy sin~ ing as he admires tlze table.) Beautiful! Just beauti-ful! (He sniffs, obviously catclring the aroma from tl1e kitr.hen .) Oh, yeah. Something wonderful is going on in thdt kitchen ... (lie rubs ltatlds gltl'.fully ,) No, sir, There's no doubt about it. I'm the luckitst man on earth. (Puts rasor iTltO Iris porket, and btgin.f to puc on shirt. Func rnters slowly from the kitchen. He's wearing a small dish t0111el as ar1 apron. lie has a ladle in one hand. He looks silently and glt~mly nf OscA~, crosses to the armchair and sits.) I c:ot :he wine. (Takes bottle qut oj the_ bag and puts it en tlte table.) Batard Montrachet. Six and a quarter. You don't mind, do you, pussycat? We'll walk to work this week. {FEux sits glumly and silently.) Hey, no kidding, Felix, you did a great job. One little suggestion? Let's come down a little with the li~hts . (Switc!te.r off waU brackets.) and up 'ery softly with the music. (He crosses to stereo in bookcase and picks up

ACT D TilE ODD COUPLE 51 nltnmu.) What do you think goes better with London broil, Mancini or Sinatra? (FE.LIX just stares ahead.) Feli~? .. What's the matter? (Puts albums doum.) Something's wrong. I can tell by your conversation. (Goe.s into bathroom, gets bottle of ajter shave lotion~ conu.s out and puts it on.) All right, Feli:t, what is it?

FUX. (Without lookit~g at him.) What is it? Let's !lart wilh what time do you think it is?

OscAR. What time? T don't know. Seven-thirty? Fn.tx. Seven-thirty? Try eight o'clock. Osc.u. (P:~ts lotion down on small table.) All right,

so it's eight o'clock. So? (Begins to fix tie.) Ft:Lr.

58 THE ODD COUPLE ACT D noon . . to help save you money to pay your wife's alimony.

OscA.R. (Controlling ltim.self,) Felix ... this is no time to have a domestic quarrel. We have two girls coming down any minute.

FLIX. You mean you told them to be here at eight o'clock?

OsCAR. (Takes jacket and crosses to couclr. Sits and lakes s()me dlp from coffee table.) I don't remember what 1 said. Seven-thirty, eight o'clock. What difference does it make?

Fnrx. (Follows OscAR..) I'll tell you what difference. You told me they were coming at se\'en-thirty. You were going to be here at seven to help me with the hors d'oeuvres. At seven-thirty they arrive and we have cock-tails. At eight o'clock we have dinner. It is now eight o'clock. My-London-broil-is-/ini..rlled/ If we ooo't eat now the whole damned thing~! be dried qul/

Osc.u. Ob. God, help me. Furx. Never mind helping you. Tell Him to save the

meat. Because we got nine dollars and thirty-four cents worth drying up in there right now.

OscA.R. Can't you keep it warm? Fnnc.. (Paces Right.) What do you think I am, the

Magic Chef? I'm lucky I got it to come out at eight o'clock. What am I going to do?

OscA.R. I don't know. Keep pouring gravy on it. Fnrx. What gravy? Osc.u. Don't you bave any gravy? FELIX. (Storms over to OscAR.) Where the hell am I

going to get gravy at eight o'clock? Oscu. (Gets up a1'1d moves Right.) I thought it comes

when you cook the meat. FLIX. (FoUO'liJs him.) When you cook tire meat? You

don't know the first thing you're talking about. You have to tna.b gravy. It doesnJt come/

OscA.Jt. You asked my advice, I'm giving it to you. (PIUtiftt on jtJ&Iut.)

FJr:ux. Advice? (He tHves ladle m his jtJ&t.) You

ACT tJ THE ODD COUPLE 59 didn't know where the kitchen was 'til I came here and showc>d you.

o~c.\R. You wanna talk to me, put down the spoon. FELIX, (Exploding in 'age, again waving ladle ;, hi.f

ja(l:.) Spoon? Yc)u dumb ignoramus. It'.s a ladle. You don't even know it's a ladle.

O;;c-.AR. All rightt, Felix, get a hold or yourself. FEt.tx. (Pulls Jiimself together, sits on love seat.) You

think it's so easy? Go on. The kitchen's all yours. Go make a London lbroil for four people who come a half hour late.

O up.) Well, they're here. Our dinner

guests. I'll get u saw and cut the meat. (Swts for kitchett.)

O"CAR. (Stopp;ng him.) Stay where you are\ FELIX. I'm not taking the blame for this dinner. o-.cAR. Who's blaming you? Who even cares about the

dinner? Feux. (Movf',S to OscAR.) I care. I take pride in what

I clo. And you're going to explain to them exactly what bappl'ned.

OscAR. All right. you can take a Polaroid pictull! of me coming in at eight o'clock! ... Now take off that stupid apron because I'm openin~ the door. (Rips the towel nO F!iLrx a11d goes to the dnor.)

FELIX. (Takes jacket from dining chair and tuts it on.) I just want to get one thing clear. This is the last time I eyer cook for you. Because people like you don't even appreciate 11 decent meal. That's why they have T .V. dinners.

OscAR. You through? fELIX. I'm thmugbl OSCAR. Then smile. (OscAR smiles and opms the door.

The Guu.s poke their heads tlrrough llu door. They a~e

THE ODD COUPLE ACT D Bonr in their young thirties and S()1M'fl)hat attra.cti~. They ore undoubtedly British.) Well, hello.

GWENDOLY~. (To OSCAR.) Hallol CEcn.v. (To OsCAR.) Rallo. GWENDOLYN, I do hope we're not late. OsCAR. No, no. You timed it perfectly. Come on in.

(He points to them a.s they enter.) Er, Felix, l'd like you to meet two very good friends of mine, Gwendolyn and Cedly-

CECILY (Pointing out Iris mistake.) Cecily and Gwen-dolyn.

OsCAR. Oh, yes. Cecily and Gwendolyn .. er .. (Trying to remember their last name.) Er ... Don't tell me .... Robin? ... No, no .... Cardinal?

GWEN'OOTYN. Wrong both times. It's Pigeon! OscAR. Pigeon. Right. Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon. GWENOOLVN. (To FLrx. ) You don't spell it like Wal-

ter Pidgeon. You spell it like "Coo Coo" Pigeon. OscAR. We'll remember that if it comes up . . Cecily

and Gwendolyn, I'd like you to meet my room-mate . . and our chef for the evening . .. Felix Ungar.

C'ECTLV. (Holding hand out.) Heh d'yew dew? FEtrX. (Moving to Iter and shaking her luJnd.) How do

you do? GWENDOLYN. (Holding hand out.) Heh d'yew dew? FF.Ln< . (Stepping up on landing and shaking her hand.)

How do you do?

(This p$1t1 him Mit to nose witlt OscAR, and there ls CJJt awkward pause as lltey look at each other.)

OscAR. Well, we did that beautifu1Jy ... Why don't we sit down and make ourselves comfortable?

(FELTX steps a.side and u.sfrers the GTRLS down into the room. Tl:ere is ad-libbing and a hi' of confusion and milling about a.s they ALL squeeze between the arm chair an.d the couch, and the PIGEONS finaUy selll lhemsdvu on the couch. OscA:a tits m the rmne/rll;iT,

ACT u THE ODD COUPLE 61 and FELIX sneaks pa.st him to the lout seat. Finally .Al.L have settled down.) C~:ciLv. This is ever so nice, isn't it, Gwen? GwENDOLYN. (Looking around.) Lovely. And much

nicer than our flat. Do you have help? OscAR. Er, yes. I have a man who comes in every

night. CClt.Y. Aren't you the lucky one?

(CECILV, GwENDOLYN and OscAR all laugh al her joke. OsCAR looks over at Fane but there is no responu.)

OscAR. (Rubs hands together.) Well, isn't this nice? .. I was telling Felix yesterday about how we hap-prned to meet.

Gwt:NDOLYN. Ob? ... Who's Felix? OscAR. (A lillle emba"a.ssed. Points to FELIX.) He is! GWENDOLYN. Oh, yes, of course. I 'm so sorry.

(FELIX nods that it's all right.) CrettY. You know it happened to us again this morn-

ing. OsCAR. What did? GWENDOL VN. Stuck in the ele\'ator again. OscAR. Really? Just the two of you? CECILY. r\nd poor o\cl Mr. Kessler from the third floor.

We were in there half an hour. OscAR. No kidding? What happened? GwENUOtYN. Nothing much, I'm afraid.

CCtCILV and GwtNDOLnl both laugh at her latest jokr:, joinr:d by OscAR. He once again looks over at FELIX, but there is tzo response.)

OscAR. { Rubt hands again.) Well , this really i.-, nice. CtCILY \nd ever so much cooler 1han our place.

Gw~.NOOLYN. It's like equatorial Africa on our side ol the butlding.

tSt THE ODD COUPLE ACT 0 CEcrt.Y. Last night it was so bad Gwen and I sat there

in Nature's Own cooling oursel. es in front of the open frig. Can you imagine such a thing?

OscAR. Er .. I'm working on it. GwENDOLYN. Actually, it's impossible to get a night'.>

sleep. Cec and I really don1t knmv what to do. OscAR. Why don't you sl~p with an air-conditioner? GwENDOLYN. We haven't got one. OsCAR. I know. But we have, GwENDOLYN. Oh you! I told you about that one,

didn' t 1, Ccc? FELix. They say it may rain Friday.

(They ALL stare at FELIX.)

GWF.NOOLYN. Oh? .t up ond, pickh1g uf> ladle, starts for the

kitchrn ) Dinner is served! OSCAR (Stnpping !tim.) No, it isn't! FELIX. Yes, it isl OsCAR. No, it isn't! I'm sure the girls would like a

cocktail first , (Tn GtRLS.) Wouldn't you, girls? Gw[J':OOL\"N. \\'ell, I wouldn't put up a 5 trug~le. OscAR. There you are. (To CEcru. ) What would you

like? CEcTLv. Oh, I really don't know. (To OscAR.) What

have you got? :-ELIX. London broil. 0SC.\R. ( To FELnC.) She means to drink. (To Ctcn.v.)

We have everylhing. And what we don't have. I mix in the medicine cabinet. Wba~l it be? (Croucl~s next to ha.}

ACT 11 TEIE ODD COUPLE 63 CECTLY. Oh .. 11 double vodka. GwENDOLYN. Cecily ... oot before dinner. CECrLY. (To the MEN.} My sister ... She watches

over me like a moth,er hen. (To OsCAR.) Make it a mwJl double vodka

Osl'AR A small double vodka! . And for !.he beau-tiful mo1her hen?

GWiNDOLVN. Oh ... I'd like something cool. I tltink I woulri like to ba1ve a double Drambuie with some cnsshed ice unless you don't have thf' crushed ice.

OscAR. 1 was up all night with a sleclge hammer ... I shall return! (GoeJ lo bar and gets bottles of vodka and Drambuie.)

FEwoLYN. (Ta,~ing cigarette from ha purse.) Yes, we know,

fELIX You know my brother? ,., GWENDOLYN. No. We know that Buffalo is upstate in ... ew York.

THE ODD COUPLE J,CT n F'noc. Obi (GeJs up, lakes cigtUette lighter from side

tabl'e and lights GwENDOLYN's cigtUctle.) CECILY. We've been there! ... Have you? F'ELIX. Nor ... Is il nice? Ct:ClLY. Lovely.

(FELIX closes lighter on cigarette and turns to go back to chair, taking the cigarette. now caught in tire lighter, with him. He notius cigarette and hastily gives it back to GwENDOLYN, stopping Ia light it once again. He puts lighter back on table and sits nervously. There is a pause.)

FELIX. Isn't that interesting? .. How long have you beer1 in the United States of America?

CECILY. Almost four vears now. FiELrx. (Nods.) Uhhub ... Just visiting? GWENDOLYN. (Looks at CECJLY.) No! ... We live

here. FI!LIX. And you work here too. do you? Cecnv. Yes. We're secrrtaries for Slenderama. GwENDOLYN. You know. The Health Club. CEctLY. People bring us their bodies and we do won-

derful things with them. GwE!Io'DOLYN. Actually, if you're interested, we can get

you ten per cent off. aEcrLv. Off the price, not off your body.

F1~. Yes, I see. (He lar4ghs, they ALL laugh. Sud tknl:Y shouts towards kHchen.) Oscar, where's the drinks?

OiCAJl. (Offstage.) Coming! Coming! Cl!CILV. What field of cndea,'Or are you engaged in? Fnt.IX. I write the news for C.B.S. CJ~cn.Y. Obi Fascinating! GwENDOLYN. Where do you get your ideas from? Pt!LIX. (He looles at her a.s though she's a Martian.)

Fron, the news. GWENDOLYN. Oh, yes, of course. Silly me ... Cttcn.Y. Maybe you can mention Gwen and I In one

of yt1ur news reports.

ACT n THE ODD COUPLE 65 FELIX. Well, if you do something spectacular, maybe

r will. Ctcn.v. Oh, we\e done spectacular things but l don't

think we'd want it spread all over the TeUy, do you, Gwen?

(They both laugh ,) Frux. (HI' laug!ls too, then crin out almost for llelp.)

Oscar! OsCAR. (Offstage.) Yeah yeah! FtLtX. (To GrRLS.) It's such a large apartment, some-

times you ba\'e to shout. GwENDOLYN. Just you two baches lhe here? Ftux. Baches? Oh, bachelors! We're not bachelors.

We're divorced. That is, Oscar's divorced. I'm getting di-vorced.

CrctLV. Oh. Small world. We've cut the dinghy loose too, as they say.

GwENDOLYN. Well, you couldn't have a better matched foursome, could you?

FELrx. (Smiles 'IJJP.akfy .) No, I suppose not. GwtNDOLVN. Although technically, I'm a widow. I was

divorcing my husband but be died befort the final papers came through.

Fttnc. Ob, I'm awfully sorry. (Sighs.) It'! a tem'ble thing, isn't it? Divorce.

GWENDOLYN. It can be ... if you haven't got the rigb t solid tor.

CEcrtv. That's true. Sometimes they can drag it out for months. I was lucky. Snip, cut and I was free.

Fuoc. I mean it's terrible what it can do to ~pie. After all, what is divorce? It's taking two happy people and tearing their lives completely apart. It's inhuman, don't you think 50?

CEcrtY. v~. it can be an awful bother. GWENDoLYN. But of course, that's all water under the

bridge now, eh? .. er ... I'm terribly sorry. but I think I've forgotten your name.

66 THE ODD COUPLE Fnrx. Felix. GWENDOLYN. Ob, yes. Felix. CECIL v. Like the Cat.

(fE.UX lakes wallet from Iris jackd ~odd.) GWENOOLYN. Well, the Pigeons wm have to beware of

the cat, won't they? (She laughs.) Cl:ClLY. (Nibbles on a nut from the dish.) Mmm,

cashews. Lovely. FELIX. (Takes .rnapshot out of wallet.) This is the

worst part of breaking up. (H~ hands picture to CEcn.Y.) CEClLY. (Looks a.t it.) Childhood sweethearts, were

you? Fnrx. No, no. That's my little boy and girl. (C'Ecn.T

gives pict-..re to GWENDOLYN, and takes pair of tlasses from her purse and /)ut.t them nn.) He's seven, she's live.

CEcn.v. (woks again.) Ob! SweeL FEI.tx. They live with their mother. GWNt>Ot.YN. I imagine you must miss them temoly. FELIX. (Takl'.s back picture and looks at iJ lonfingly.)

I can't stand being away from them. (Shrugs.) But-that's what happens with di\'orce.

CEcn.v. When do you get to see them? Furx. Every night. 1 stop there on my way bomel

... Then 1 take them on the weekends and I get them on holiclays and July and August.

CCtLY. Oh! .. \Veil, when is it that you miss them? FL.[X. Whenever I'm not there. lf they didn't have to

go to school so early, I'd go O\'er and make them break fast. Th~y love my French toast.

GWNDOLVN. You're certainly a devoted father. FELIX. It 's Frances who's the wonderful one. CECILY. She's 1he little girl? FELIX. No. She's the mother. My wife. GwENDOLYN. The ont you're divorcing? FUX. (Nods.} Mml .. She's dooe a terri6c job

bringing them up. They always look eo nice. 'Ibeyrc ID

p

THE ODD COUPLE 61 polite. Speak beau1tifully. Never "Yeah." Always "Yes." ... They're such good kids. And she did it all. She's the kind of woman who- Ah, what am I saying? You don't want to hear any of this. (Puts picture back in waikt.)

CECILY. Nonseru.e. You have a right to be proud. You have two beautiful children and a wonderful ex-wife.

Faux. (Conta.in:ing ltis emntimrs.) J know. I know. (He hands CECILY another mapshot.) That's her. Fran ces