The night before sim spade's christmas
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Transcript of The night before sim spade's christmas
![Page 1: The night before sim spade's christmas](https://reader033.fdocuments.us/reader033/viewer/2022052823/55530e55b4c9054e3f8b4fef/html5/thumbnails/1.jpg)
'Twas the Night Before Christmas...
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...and all through the flat,not a creature was stirring; not even my cat.
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My business had tanked – no more dough in the bag;Here's hoping for socks filled with holiday swag.
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The monsters were nestled all snug in their beds,While tuna and dog biscuits danced in their heads;
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And Maman and Auntie, and I and my squeezeHad just settled down to . . . *ahem* catch a few z's . . .
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When out in the street came a hullabaloo;I fell out of bed like a practised gumshoe.
Outside I had heard what I thought was a shot;In my line of work, that happens a lot.
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The yellow of street lamps on new-fallen snowGave the world outside a dull, sickly glow;
When, what my tired sleuth's eyeballs should see,But an ancient, backfiring old jalopy (yeah, it doesn't scan, so sue me).
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With a curly-haired driver, so sneaky and slick . . .I slapped at my forehead: “Jack's dressed as St. Nick!”
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From out of the back seat his minions they came,And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
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“Presently, Mr. P.! Forthwith, Mr. B.;Messrs. A. and W., proceed directly!Ascend to the portico, the apex scale;Hasten collectively and sloth curtail!”
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As small-time crooks before the blue-shirts' raids fly,When they meet with a fire escape, mount to the sky;
So up to the house-top the minions they flew,With a bag full of loot, and “St. Nicholas” too.
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And then, in a twinkling, I heard from the roofA chorus of mutterings, “ows” and an “oof”As one minion stepped on another's big toe,Lowering Jack down through the window.
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He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
He had a large pillowcase stuffed up his shirt,And he carried a teddy bear covered in dirt.
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His eyes – they were shifty! His dimples malicious!His expression of glee I thought most suspicious!
His mouth split his face in a wide, impish grin,And the fakest of beards was affixed to his chin.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,Blowing bubbles that circled his head like a wreath;
The Bear, for his part, had a much rounder tum,Like he'd recently sampled a bowlful of rum.
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I looked on aghast at this most absurd sight,This unwelcome intruder to my Christmas night;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his headSoon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
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He spoke not a word, which suited me fine,('cause all of his jargon is too hard to rhyme).
The socks being filled, he returned to his cord,And giving a nod, out the window he soared.
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He sprang to his car; to his gang gave a whistle;And away they all flew like a contraband missile;
But I heard him exclaim, ere the rubber he burned . . .
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“Felicitous Co-opted Solsticial Celebration to theensemble, and to the congregation a fortuitous nocturne!”
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photography by Sarah Michelle Stilson
editing and words by Christopher Peregrin Stilson
with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore