The New Age Parents Apr May 16

10 misconceptions about Autism

THE NEW AGE

www.thenewageparents.com

Autism Special “A mother should

never share the ugly side of a

failed marriage to her child.” Three

single mothers share their story

MOTHER’S DAY SPECIAL

APR

/ MAY

16

STRANGER DANGER Teaching our kids to be street smart

RIDE THAT RAINBOW Is it still possible

to chase your dreams after becoming a

parent?

PARENTING IN A NEW ERA

2 The New Age Parents

table of contents

CONTENTS04 Editorial Note

06 HealthSupersize Me

10 DentalOh My Gum

12 Growing upStranger Danger

14 Special NeedsBraceface, Bucktooth, Four-Eyed Fatty Bom Bom!

20 Autism Special10 Misconceptions about AutismAn inside-out view of AutismAssiting Autism

30 The New Age Parents Coverpage Contest Winners

34 Mother’s Day SpecialIt’s all worth itThe Single Life

42 For The ParentFollow your dreams

THE NEW AGE

editorial note

Worldwide and locally, there has been an increasing amount of children diagnosed with Autism. However, knowledge of this disorder remains to be plagued by outdated research findings and societal misconceptions.

In our Autism Special issue, and in conjunction with National Autism Awareness Month, we spoke to several experts to voice their views and insights. What would people with Autism want you to know? Get a glimpse of how they perceive their world in our expert’s sharing, The world through their eyes: An inside-out view of Autism. Find out if you harbour any common misconceptions in 10 Misconceptions of Autism and gain some tips on how you can help a child with Autism in Assisting Autism.

In our Mother’s Day Special Interview, The Single Life, our writer speaks to three single mothers about their journey. One mum opens up about the stigma surrounding single parents in Singapore and how she found love again, while another found strength and meaning in providing support to other single mothers.

Is it still possible to chase your dreams after becoming a parent? Head over to our story Follow your dreams to find out how chasing your dreams can inspire your kids. We say go on and ride that rainbow. Whether you’re labelled as ‘special’, a ‘single mum’ or something else, don’t let it stop you. Because this issue, it’s about celebrating inclusivity, diversity and love for all.

P.S. Are you a new parent or expecting another baby? Our annual Parenting with Love Seminar is back! This year, it will be held at NTUC Auditorium on 15 May. More details will be announced in our website in April. Mark it down in your calendars today!

My best,

AUTISTICALLY SPEAKING Editorial TeamEDITOR

Michelle Ang

WRITERSDorothea Chow, Som Yew Ya & Jenny Tai

CONTRIBUTORS Michelle Hon, Amanda Goh Jia Xin, Elaine Tan Yilin, Koh Jiat Ru & Yeo Hui Tong Cheryl

Art & Design

ART DIRECTOR Michelle Ang

COVERPAGE MODELAdylea Sofea Binte Abdul Rashid

PHOTOGRAPHYPhotograhpy By Yew Kwang

Marketing & Advertising

MARKETING HEAD AND ADVERTISING SALES DIRECTOR

Elaine LauFor advertising enquiries, email us at

[email protected]

Web Administration

WEB DEVELOPMENT DIRECTORSeow Poh Heng

If you wish to contribute to the magazine, email us at [email protected]

For past issues, go to www.thenewageparents.com/magazine

While every care is taken in the production of the magazine, the publisher, editor and its team assume

no responsibility for any inaccuracies and omission, which might arise. Opinions by the contributors

and advertisers are not necessarily those of the publisher and the editor. The articles in the magazine are

for references only. If you have any queries on any health condition for you and your child, you should seek

professional medical advice.

Do you have any stories, tips or any feedback to share? We love to hear from you!

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*CORRECTION: We made an error in our previous editorial note. The date of our Parenting with Love Seminar should be 15 May, not 11 May.

PAEDIATRIC MEDICINE

Dr Tan Zhen Han graduated on the Dean’s List from the Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine, National University of Singapore with his Bachelor of Medicine and Bachelor of Surgery degree in 2008. He attained his postgraduate qualifications with the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health (UK) in 2011, and was conferred Fellowship by the Academy of Medicine, Singapore in 2015. Prior to joining SBCC, he was an Associate Consultant in the Department of Paediatrics, KKH.

DENTISTRYDr Chin Shou King graduated from the National University of Singapore, Faculty of Dentistry, after winning

two scholarships from Singapore Press Holdings. He served his bond as a Dental Officer in the Ministry of Health under the National Healthcare Group. Dr Chin eventually became the Head of Dental Services at one of NHG's Polyclinics and also held the portfolio of Assistant Head of Manpower.

EDUCATIONFiona McDonald leads the Learning Support team at Chiltern House Preschool which provides individual support to special needs children, helping them integrate into the preschools. She holds a Master of Education, Graduate Diploma in Educational Studies and Bachelor of Education from the University of Tasmania, and a certificate in Special Educational Needs from

the London Montessori Centre Teacher Training College. Fiona first joined Chiltern House in 2000 and later became Chiltern House’s Head of Learning Support in 2004.

SPECIAL NEEDSSid Hamid is a Consultant Occupational Therapist and Founder & Director of Oxytoseen Pte Ltd. He has more than 10 years of clinical experience as a consultant occupational therapist and is a transformational coach, author, speaker and trainer. He has dedicated his life’s work to unearthing the hidden potential of children with diagnosed or undiagnosed learning, behavioural and performance challenges.

Sephine Goh is a Speech Therapist with Thye Hua Kwan Moral Charities (THK

Children’s Therapy Centre). She graduated with a Bachelor of Speech Pathology (Honours Class I) from the University of Queensland, Australia. Sephine’s interest lies in working with children with autism with communication needs.

Yvonne Kuan is a Speech Therapist with Thye Hua Kwan Moral Charities (THK Therapy Services - THK Children’s Therapy Centre@MacPherson). She graduated with a Master of Science in Speech and Language Pathology from the National University of Singapore and holds a Bachelors of Arts (Hons) in Linguistics and Multilingual studies from Nanyang Technological University. Yvonne joined THKMC in 2015 and greatly enjoys her work with children who have any communication intervention needs.

The New Age Parents 5

health


What are the types of foods to feed your underweight child to achieve a healthy weight gain?

Oh My Gum

Expert: Dr Tan Zhen Han, Paediatrician, SBCC Baby & Child Clinic (Mount Alvernia)

Practice Address:Mount Alvernia Medical Centre (Blk A)820 Thomson Road #01-01/02 Singapore 574623Tel: (65) 6354 1922www.sbcc.sg

I think that my child is underweight!If you are concerned that your child might be underweight, do consult your paediatrician. Assuming that your child has no underlying medical concerns that require treatment, the main goal will be to provide your child with adequate nutrition to

achieve “catch up” weight gain, and this nutritional therapy often entails getting your child to take in more calories.

What should my child eat?Offer high caloric, nutrient dense foods that are rich in important vitamins, minerals, and proteins.

Supersize meWhat are the types of foods to feed your underweight child to achieve a healthy weight gain?


Avoid falling into the trap of serving ‘ junk ’ foods, or foods with empty calories (calories from solid fats and/or added sugars), such as soft drinks, candy, chips, and fast foods.

A varied, well balanced diet is the key to your child's weight gain and healthy development. A well balanced diet should contain foods from the four main food groups as follows:1Grains and carbohydrates - Some common examples include bread, rice, pasta, cereal, potatoes and yam.2Fruits and vegetables3Protein foods – Examples include meat, poultry, eggs, beans, seeds, and nuts.4Dairy – Dairy products, such as milk, cheese and yoghurt, provide calcium which is important for your child's growing teeth and bones.

Sometimes, your paediatrician may suggest a referral to the dietician, so as to work with you to develop an individualized feeding plan that meets the needs of both your child and the family.

How often should my child eat?Young children have smaller tummies, and thus are not able to eat a large amount of food at one sitting. As such, apart from your child's three main meals, he or she would also need two or three snacks during the day. Structure the meals and snacks evenly throughout the day, in order to avoid “grazing” (eating and sipping throughout the day), and to ensure that every bite your child takes, count!

FOOD GROUPS FOOD CHOICES USES

Grains

Carbohydrates

Brown rice

Bread

Pancakes (whole-meal or white flour

based)

Potato and sweet potatoPasta

Use as a side for meals or add to soup

Serve with one of the suggested spreads below (butter or nut butter)

Serve as breakfast, and top up with other items e.g. yoghurt, banana or other fruits

Serve mashed as a side for meals, or use in soups

Serve pasta with cream sauce or butter with cheese and ground meat

Fruits and vegetables

Banana

Avocado

Dried fruits e.g. raisins, cranberries

Eat as a snack, topping for cereal or pancakes, blend into a smoothie with milk

Mash avocado and use it as a dip, or slice them to add into sandwiches

Mix them into cereal, yoghurt, or cooked vegetables e.g. carrots and sweet potato, or serve as a snack

Protein

Eggs

Nut butter (e.g. peanut)

Meats

Serve during breakfast, add to baked goods, or use as batter for french toast. Layer calories into scrambled eggs by cooking in butter and adding

cheese on top

Use creamy peanut butter and spread thinly over bread or crackers, or as a dip with fruits or

vegetables*Avoid if there are any concerns over nut allergy, and avoid those butters with chunky nuts in view of the

risk of choking

Add ground or chopped meats to soups and pasta

Dairy

Full cream milk

Whole milk yoghurt

Cheese e.g. Cheddar, Swiss, Mozzarella

Cream cheese

Use milk instead of water to make soups, bulk up mashed potatoes, or serve as a beverage or snack

Use as a dip with fruits or vegetables, mix into smoothie, or serve as a snack

Use as a topping for sandwiches, soups, scrambled eggs, potatoes, or serve as a snack

Serve as a spread with bread or crackers

Fats

Sweeteners

Oils e.g. Canola, Olive, Coconut oil

Butter

Honey

Toss with pasta or drizzle over cooked vegetables and noodles

Spread with bread, melt onto pasta or cooked vegetables

Use to sweeten smoothies, or mix into cereal *Avoid in children < 1 year old

Some high caloric food choices from the above food groups are as follows:

What about other nutritional supplements?If your child is a picky eater, and refuses to add the above suggested high caloric, nutrient dense foods into his or her diet, your paediatrician may recommend a high-caloric milk formula, or supplement drink to be taken as a snack. In some cases, your paediatrician may recommend a multivitamin and mineral supplement.

Developing a healthy attitude towards foodHelping your child gain weight can be stressful, but always remember to try to help them develop a healthy attitude to food. Eating should still be a fun and

Eating should still be a fun and happy part of the day. Sit down

together as a family to have meals, and make mealtimes unrushed so that your child can enjoy the food

and time together.

happy part of the day. Sit down together as a family to have meals, and make mealtimes unrushed so that your child can enjoy the food and time together. You

can also try engaging your child in meal planning, grocery shopping, and food preparation, so as to encourage his or her overall interest in food and eating.

health


T32 Junior Dental Services• Consultation and Examination

• First Visit: Appointment and Procedure• Diet Counselling & Preventive Advice• Early Childhood Caries Assessment• Oral Hygiene Instructions for Parents and Children• Growth and Development

• Prophylaxis and Topical Fluoride Application• Fissure Sealants• Pulpal (Nerve) Treatment• Tooth Coloured Fillings• Stainless Steel Crowns• ExtractionsFor more enquiries, please feel free to contact us at 6733 1388 or email us at [email protected].

T32 Dental Centre (Main Centre)One Orchard Boulevard, Camden Medical Centre #17-00 S(248649) | T: 6733 1388 | E: [email protected]

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Consecutive winner of 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014 & 2015

dental


Pregnancy is the time to take extra special care of your teeth and gums. Dr Chin Shou King tells us how pregnancy can affect your teeth and gums.

Oh My Gum

Expert: Dr Chin Shou King, Dental Surgeon and Director, T32 Junior

Practice address: Camden Medical Centre One Orchard Boulevard, 17th FloorSingapore 248649Tel: (65) 6733 1388Emergency Dental Services: (65) 6398 5578Email: [email protected]

Being pregnant is one of the most significant moments in a woman’s life. Here are some dental considerations

to be mindful of.

Extra sensitive gums During pregnancy, increased hormone levels can make your teeth and gums extra sensitive to bacteria, which could increase your risk of developing certain dental infections.

Pregnancy gingivitis Is the most common dental concern during pregnancy, affecting almost 50% of all pregnant women. It causes your gums to become red, puffy and inflamed. It can also trigger bleeding gums when you are brushing and flossing.

Periodontitis If left untreated, gingivitis can progress into periodontitis. Also


known as gum disease, this is a severe gum infection which destroys the bones and fibers that help to keep your teeth in place. Since the bone in the jaws holds your teeth in the jaws, the loss of bone can cause your teeth to become loose and need to be extracted because of acute infection.

Pregnant women who have periodontitis are seven times more

likely to have a baby that is born too early and too small. It appears that periodontal disease triggers increased levels of biological f luids that induce labor. Women whose periodontal condition worsens during pregnancy have an even higher risk of having a premature baby.

Pregnancy Epulis Occasionally, some pregnant women will develop a localised swelling on the gum, known as a pregnancy epulis. Typically this will occur in the second or third trimester, sometimes even appearing for the first time in the

final month of the pregnancy. A pregnancy epulis will often bleed easily, and can appear very red and inf lamed, however they are generally not painful. They are also not cancerous and do not have the potential to become cancerous.

Erosion and discolouration of teeth Some women who have excessive morning sickness may also experience some erosion of

their teeth due to regurgitation of stomach acids. This leads to discolouration and sensitivity of the teeth involved.

Have you visited your dentist? It is generally safe and highly recommended to have at least one check up and regular cleaning during pregnancy, preferably during the second trimester after your baby’s vital organs have been formed.

Things to avoid Refrain from all cosmetic or unnecessary treatments like teeth

whitening, as well as invasive treatment like surgery or root canal treatment unless absolutely necessary during the first and third trimesters. Also avoid any form of dental X-rays.

Topical dental medication such as antibacterial mouth washes are generally safe to use as well as commonly prescribed painkillers like Panadol. Antibiotics to treat dental infections should be used sparingly and only if absolutely necessary.

A PREGNANCY EPULIS WILL OFTEN BLEED EASILY, AND

CAN APPEAR VERY RED AND INFLAMED, HOWEVER THEY

ARE GENERALLY NOT PAINFUL.

Reading the headlines we get on the news each day can make us feel like bundling our child up in bubble wrap to protect them from this crazy world. But we all know that isn’t quite a tangible solution in real life.

One good way of helping your kids know their physical boundaries is to tell

STRANGER DANGEREven young toddlers can be taught to never follow a strange person and to always stay within view of their parents. Dorothea Chow shows us how we can teach our kids to be street smart and stay safe.

growing up


them that they must always be able to see you. For example, they can run across an open field and still be safe, whereas if they wander several aisles down in a shopping mall, they might get lost.

As your kids get older and can hold proper conversations, it is often intuitive for us to tell them not to talk to strangers, however this may cause us to send out some very mixed messages if we are not careful. For example, we tell them not to talk to strangers when they go to the playground with their friends, but we ask them to “Say hello” to the stranger in the lift who greets them.

The truth is our kids do need to talk to many strangers every day – from the uncle who greets them in the lift, to the aunty who sells them food in the canteen, to the older kid who gave them a helping hand at the bus stop. Instead of a blanket “Never talk to strangers” statement, be specific. Teach your child which sorts of strangers are “safe”, and when it is okay to hold a conversation with someone he just met.

It’s generally considered good manners to greet people whom you share a lift or food-center table with. There’s no need for extended conversations or even small talk, but a friendly nod or smile is sufficient. Of course, your child will need to build up confidence to order his own food and drinks, and to pay for other items as well in the future, and that requires him to speak up to “strangers” too.

When it comes to defining what constitutes an “unsafe” stranger, Pattie Fitzgerald of Safely Ever After says it best – teach your child about tricky people.

Who are tricky people? Tricky people are grown-ups who ask kids for help, because no adult really needs to

ask a child for help. Tricky adults ask kids to keep something a secret, for example to meet them after school for a special treat or to go somewhere with them without asking for permission. So tell your child not to do anything or go anywhere without asking for your permission first.

Then there are some people who just don’t “feel safe” to your child, and some of them might even by your relative or a friend. Your child shouldn’t be pressurized to speak to them or be extra friendly to them. Of course, being rude should not be condoned, but neither should he have to make small talk or spend time with someone whom he just doesn’t like.

Respect your child’s choices, and always listen to his intuition or vibes about a person. Sadly, too much of child abuse comes not with strangers outside,

but from within the home or circle of friends. Pay attention to what your child is sensing and saying, always.

Lastly, give your child handles on what to do if he ever gets lost outside. An older child may be able to find his way to the mall’s information counter for help, and can be trusted with your mobile number so that he can contact you.

For younger children, tell them to look for a “safe” stranger to ask for help. Their best bet is to look for a mum with kids, because we all know how we would react if some poor lost kid came to us for help. If there are no mums with kids in sight, tell your child to find a cashier or any of the service staff in the mall.

Don’t just tell your kids to stay safe – give them the rules to succeed.


How would you like it if someone identifies you with these labels?

BY AMANDA GOH JIA XIN, ELAINE TAN YILIN, KOH JIAT RU AND YEO HUI TONG CHERYL

BRACEFACE, BUCKTOOTH,

FOUR-EYED FATTY BOM BOM!

special needs


takes care of his younger siblings. Joe leads his life just like you and me, with the help of a wheelchair. However when people refer to him as ‘wheelchair-bound’, he feels that his abilities are being restricted by their labels. They do not see him as an abled person, but instead focus on his inability to walk.

PERSON FIRST LANGUAGE The language we use influences our thought processes. Instead of using these labels, we should use ‘person

first language’. Person first language allows us to view the child as an individual first, instead of being tied to the disability. For instance, would you like it if you were called a ‘nerd’, or rather prefer being known as a girl who loves to study? By being labeled a nerd, we will quickly form an undesirable impression of her which narrows our acceptance towards her other abilities or interests.

Instead if she is known as a girl who is studious, we are more accepting towards her interest for music and shopping. Similarly, when we label Joe as being a wheelchair user, we form a mental block on his abilities to play basketball, which he is proficient at. Instead, we can say that he is a basketball player who uses a

wheelchair. Mary, on the other hand, grew

up in a supportive environment. Her parents are avid users of person first language, and would refer to Mary as a person with abilities. Their language influenced their neighbours to see Mary as a person separate from her disability. They know Mary as a girl who loves music, likes to draw and is diagnosed with autism.

By using person first language, we will be looking at someone in a new perspective who has other capabilities.

However, most people are not cautious in their phrasing of words. In order to focus on one’s potential, we must first change our language!

Katie Snow, a renowned author of ‘Disability is natural’ and an advocate for people with special needs, states that severe disability can happen to anyone at any time, “at birth or later- through an accident, illness, or aging process”. Let's start cultivating a habit of using Person’s First Language, and see each other as unique individuals instead of focusing on disabilities.

REFERENCES:http://www.sccoe.org/depts/students/inclusion-collaborative/Documents/Person-First_Language_Article.pdf

INSTEAD OF... LET US USE…

Special needs person A person with special needs

Autistic boy A boy who is diagnosed with autism

Bespectacled girl A girl who wears spectacles

Hyperactive person A person who is active

We have all been teased at some points in life. However, people with special needs are being labeled every day when others refer them as “autistic guy”, “hyperactive child”, or “special needs person”.

Take Joe for example, he is well loved by his friends and is one of the star players on the school basketball team. Back at home, he helps his mother with household chores, and


Since my first article on Heguru in October in 2015, I've received many questions about

the program and how it has benefitted my children. Time flies and both my daughters, Lauren and Georgia have been attending Heguru Education classes at OneKM Mall for more than eight months now. It’s time to share about the progress they’ve made since day one!

Heguru Special

My Daughters' Progress ReportAfter attending the Heguru programme for more than eight months, mother Michelle Hon saw how both her daughters have progressed in their overall development. Here is a breakdown of their overall progress.

GEORGIA IN TODDLER CLASSWhen we started Heguru last year, Georgia was a month shy from turning one. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting any progress from her. After all, she was just a baby and all that I hoped for, was for her to enjoy the activities.

Attention span and confidenceCompared to just three months ago, Georgia's attention span has improved

tremendously. She could now sit through the entire 60 minutes class with minimal fidgeting. To think that she used to get up and ran away halfway through the class! Now, she could even repeat some of the words after her teacher.

Love for booksI've always wanted to instil the habit of reading in my kids. Unfortunately, I'm not the most consistent mother when it comes to reading. Can you imagine how happy I


was when both Georgia and Lauren pick out books on their own before handing it to me, so that I could read to them?

That’s not all, they are able to stay focus for a prolonged period of time, reading two to three books at one go isn’t an issue at all.

Language capacityI'm not sure if the second child tends to talk earlier but Georgia totally

amazes me with her language capacity. It caught us by surprise when she started speaking in short sentences at 17-month-old. She could understand instructions well too, even complicated ones like, "Go to the room and wake jie jie up" (Yes, I make her do my dirty work for me!)

Compared to her sister who was only babbling at the same age, Georgia has less frustrations and meltdown. That is because she could tell us what she wants and we could attend to her needs immediately. Impressively, Georgia could even understand my questions and answer them accordingly.

LAUREN IN PRESCHOOLER CLASSExpanded vocabularyI'm happy to share how much Lauren's vocabulary has exploded in the past few months. Not only does she remember the words we've learnt at Heguru, she is able to apply them in sentences too. It's been a real treat whenever I hear my chatterbox says words like unwell, experiment and temperature.

Good memoryHaving a good memory is probably one of the most noticeable traits I've seen in Lauren since we started Heguru programme. She is now able to complete two 24-pieces jigsaw puzzles at the same time, all by herself.

Not only is Lauren great with short term memory exercises, her long term memory is surprisingly good too. We went to a Hi5 show five months ago. Recently, she saw a recording of the same show on YouTube, and said to me, "Mummy, we saw this show, isn't it? We were there." She doesn't say the same about shows she hasn't been to.

Quick to learnThe thing with having good memory is that it helps with learning. I'm entering bragging territory here by saying my kid really is a quick learner. She'd come home from kindergarten with a new song she'd just learnt and remembers every word.

It also helps with the fact that


I only have to tell her something once and she would remember it. I attribute it to the memory training lessons at Heguru for this. For example, we have family members in Australia and Malaysia. I told her once where everyone is - Ethan, Aunty Lynette, Ah Kong and Ah Ma live in Sydney, Australia, while Kung Kung (my dad), Yee yee, Rohan and Mithraa is in Malaysia. One day, after our recent trip to Kuala Lumpur, she was flicking through photos on my phone and told me, while pointing at a photo of us in front of Petronas Tower, "Mummy, this is Malaysia. Rohan and Mithraa lives there." Link memory works!

ESPI've always been sceptical with the ESP activities conducted during Heguru classes. I mean it's just down to 50/50 chance if a kid can pick the right answer. Well, unless my child is psychic. Lately, Lauren has become picky with eating green vegetables. So naturally I did what a good mum will do and hid all the vegetable underneath the rice or noodles that I'm feeding to her.

I was surprised when she said, "There's vegetable in the spoon!" I

was sure that it wasn’t visible. Okay, maybe she understands her sneaky mother very well. However, how do you explain this? On occasions when we do ESP inspired activity at home, she surprised me with 90% accuracy in picking the right answers! I'm a little spooked out but I guess all those right brain extra-sensory activities really work.

ConfidenceLauren has always been very shy. Since young, she didn't like strangers and have always been a cautious child. She doesn't like new, unfamiliar environment and wouldn't attempt anything unless she knows what she is getting herself in to. The nice word for it is SAFE - she is a safe kid.

Imagine my surprise when she went up to the front of her class on her first day of Kindergarten and introduced herself in a strong, loud voice. I think in a way, those exercises at Heguru which she has to go up in front of the class and pick the right answers helps. The encouragement and praises from teachers at Heguru helps built her self-confidence. She is always beaming from ear to ear, looking mighty pleased with herself after a well-done job at Heguru.

Love to learnThis is a big one for me. I believe at this age, it isn't what the kids already knew but it's the life-long love for learning that determines how successful they'll be in life. There's been Friday nights when they refuse to go to bed, all we had to do was say," Let’s sleep, so you can wake up bright and early for Heguru class" and they guess what?

They'd agree to sleep right away! I believe Heguru, being their first 'schooling' experience has provided a fun and engaging learning experience which sealed my kids' love for learning.

This is the fourth part of The New Age Parents and Heguru Education series. Stay tuned for the part five in our next issue!

If you’d like to find out more about the right brain training for your kids at Heguru, visit the Heguru Education Center website at: www.hegurueducation.com.sg or call 6346 4646.

MICHELLE HON is a mother of two, writer and founder of The Chill Mom Baby Planner & Maternity Concierge. A certified early childhood educator, she has helped many busy mothers-to-be plan and manage the arrival of their babies. Michelle has been featured on The Asian Entrepreneur, Harper’s Bazaar Kids and The Asian Parent. Besides being a contributing writer at The New Age Parents, Michelle shares her motherhood tips and experience on her website at http://www.thechillmom.com

Heguru Special


Autism or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) are umbrella terms used to refer to a life-long neurodevelopmental disorder that affects how a person understands and interacts with the world around them. It is used for previously distinct conditions such as Asperger’s syndrome, Rett’s syndrome, Autistic Disorder, Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified

(PDD-NOS) and Childhood Disintegrative Disorder.

ASD is characterized in varying degrees by difficulties in two main areas: 1) social interaction and communication, and 2) restricted or repetitive patterns of behaviours and interests. Often individuals with ASD have different ways of learning, paying attention and reacting to various physical sensations. Some also have co-occurring conditions such as speech and language difficulties, motor movement difficulties, intellectual disability, anxiety etc.

In Singapore, with increased awareness of ASD among informed and concerned parents as well as teachers, there has been an increasing amount of children diagnosed with ASD. However, knowledge of this disorder remains to be

plagued by outdated and dubious research findings and societal misconceptions. Here are ten common misconceptions about children with ASD.#1 AUTISM CAN BE CUREDThere is no current evidence for a ‘cure’ for autism. Children with autism do not ‘outgrow’ autism but are required to be taught skills to cope and adapt.

#2 ALL CHILDREN WITH AUTISM ARE GIFTED OR POSSESS EXTRAORDINARY TALENTS While there have been cases of individuals with autism who have an unusual set of talents, they are a minority. Most individuals with autism do not have skills that can be distinguished as extraordinary talents. In fact, the intellectual abilities of persons with ASD can vary from gifted to severely

10MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT

Experts: Thye Hua Kwan Moral Charities Speech Therapists Sephine Goh, (THK Children’s Therapy Centre) and Yvonne Kuan (THK Therapy Services - THK Children’s Therapy Centre@MacPherson)

autism special


challenge. Also noteworthy, intellectual ability and severity of ASD make up the two key factors commonly used to help understand and better cater to the learning needs of individuals with ASD in Singapore.

#3 ALL CHILDREN WITH AUTISM LIKE TO BE ALONEAlthough individuals with autism may find it difficult to initiate and maintain social interactions, this does not make social relationships impossible, nor does it imply that they prefer being alone. The unpredictability of another person in terms of what they may say or do, paired with a restricted knowledge base and skill set of how to cope with the various social situations may be one of the contributing factors to them seemingly preferring to be left alone. As speech therapists who also work with children with ASD, we have frequently met children with ASD who yearn to make friends but simply require help to develop the required appropriate social skill set to do so.

#4: CHILDREN WITH AUTISM CANNOT FEEL OR EXPRESS ANY EMOTIONSChildren with ASD can certainly feel and express emotions. More often than not, due to their unique understanding of the world and experience with social interactions, children with ASD may express their feelings in ways that others may find it difficult to understand or accept. For example, giggling or laughing incessantly when doing a particular task may actually be a way of expressing anxiety with a task that may be too difficult for them.

#5 AUTISM IS CAUSED BY POOR PARENTINGStudies have shown that autism has no association with parenting styles.

#6 A CHILD WITH AUTISM EXPERIENCING A MELTDOWN IS THE SAME AS A CHILD THROWING TEMPER TANTRUMSA meltdown is a common characteristic experienced by children with ASD. It is not to be confused with temper tantrums. There are many ways to differentiate between a meltdown and a tantrum. For example, when a child is throwing tantrums, he or she is looking to have his or her “wants” fulfilled, while a child experiencing a meltdown has no such objectives.

#7 IT IS NOT GOOD FOR MY CHILD TO FREQUENTLY PLAY WITH ANOTHER CHILD WHO HAS ASD, HE WILL LEARN TO BE LIKE THAT CHILDASD is a neurodevelopmental disorder; it is not contagious and cannot be learnt or unlearnt. Studies have shown that families with a child with ASD and a sibling without ASD will attest that even high frequency and long term “exposure” to a child with ASD, cannot negatively affect the social, communication and behavioural development of a child without ASD.

#8 MY CHILD WITH ASD DOESN’T SPEAK, SO HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT WE ARE SAYING TOOThere is an important difference between speech output and understanding language. Speaking is the use of voice to say words that carry meaning. Language understanding is the ability to hear and listen to the words and derive meaning from it.

Just because a child is not producing words, it does not mean he cannot understand or learn to understand what different words, sentences and things we say mean.

#9 AUTISM IS CAUSED BY VACCINESCurrently, there is no evidence that childhood vaccination causes autism. A 1998 study associating autism to vaccines has since been retracted.

# 10 GLUTEN FREE CASEIN FREE (GFCF) DIET IS A NEW TREATMENT THAT HAS BEEN PROVEN TO HELP CHILDREN WITH ASDLatest scientific reports provided no support for GFCF diets in the intervention for children with ASD. In fact, these research reports have suggested that negative bone health is frequently associated with GFCF diets. Currently, GFCF diet is strongly recommended with the advice of medical practitioners for children with food allergies or intolerance to gluten and/or casein.

REFERENCES https://www.autismspeaks.org/what-autismhttp://www.helpguide.org/articles/autism/autism-spectrum-disorders.htm#readershttp://www.amaze.org.au/discover/about-autism-spectrum-disorder/what-is-an-autism-spectrum-disorder/http://autismsciencefoundation.org/what-is-autism/https://repository.nie.edu.sg/bitstream/10497/16633/1/IJSE-29-3-1_a.pdfhttp://www.autism.org.sg/living-with-autism/what-is-autism


T H E W O R L D T H R O U G H T H E I R E Y E S :

What would people with autism want you to know?

AN INSIDE-OUT VIEW OF AUTISM

autism special


Autism is neurological in nature, affecting the brain in four areas of functioning: language, communication, social skills, sensory and behaviours. Individuals on this spectrum range from those who are non-verbal with severe functional challenges and behaviours, to individuals who are extremely intelligent, with good expressive abilities yet display markedly impaired social functioning with weak perspective taking abilities.

Visually-oriented People with autism they think like a Google search engine which you type keywords and it produces a lot of specific pictures. This is an asset for a creative mind and complements an engineering mind, which is a sequential thinker. They may have savant abilities involving mathematical calculations, memory feats and musical abilities as they retain strong visual images, which capture all the details with accuracy. However, they may lose these skills when they become more social and develop their language.

Speak to a different tuneMost people with autism, especially those who are nonverbal or have limited verbal skills, express and communicate their needs and wants through their behaviour and body language. People with autism also display restricted, repetitive patterns of behaviour, interests

or activities. Some may display an obsessive interest in something, follow inflexible routines and rituals and make repetitive body movements.

They may have persistent challenges with social communication and social interaction. Some might find it hard to start conversations and follow through with it. They may not understand social rules and have a hard time making and keeping friends, companions, lovers or any kind of relationship. It can be frustrating for them that they are not able to speak even though they might understand what was being said.

It is also hard for them to concentrate on a conversation because they have problems tuning and filtering what they hear. They can be hypersensitive especially if they are bombarded with sudden or confusing noises. It is easier for them to tune in and out. In more severe cases, they would have a meltdown and shut down to their surroundings.

They could also have problems with executing smooth coordinated movements and even though, they could have an innate talent for pitch and melody, they are unable to synchronise

their rhythm with somebody else’s. In social situations, they might be accused of interrupting or breaking a conversation due to this faulty sense of rhythm.

Most people with autism have difficulty processing everyday sensory information and those who struggle

to deal with all this information are likely to be stressed or anxious, and possibly feel physical discomfort or pain. As a result, they can appear with challenging behavioural challenges such as aggression, self-injury, mental health challenges such as anxiety, depression, insomnia and have distressful gastrointestinal problems such as acid reflux.

These issues do not only belong to those who have autism but it impacts those caring for them. On top of the worries and exhaustion of looking after someone with autism, caregivers also face the frustration of trying to cope with the society’s ignorance and prejudice and become frustrated with lack of high quality information and poor quality of services designed to create results for them.

Don’t get hung up on labelsLook at what people with autism can do, and not what they can’t do. If little Albert Einstein was here today, he would probably be labelled on the autism spectrum as he displayed the common

traits of autism. If we defined him by these traits, we may have run the risk of not realising his potential and innovative brilliance.

How about Steve Jobs? He was a loner who brought snakes to his elementary school and turned them loose. He was

THESE ISSUES DO NOT ONLY BELONG TO THOSE WHO HAVE AUTISM BUT IT IMPACTS THOSE CARING FOR THEM.


Expert: Sid Hamid, Consultant Occupational Therapist and Founder & Director of Oxytoseen Pte Ltd

bullied and teased and what saved him was participating in a neighbourhood computer club. His childhood behaviours and documented qualities such as obsession for details, perfectionism and ‘thinking out of the box’ sure fit the profile of a person with autism and he revolutionised Apple!

Every person with autism is unique with a different profile of strengths, challenges and traits that change in intensities and presentation as they develop over time with unique life experiences and education. However, labels do matter when people with autism need to get access to relevant services, enabling environment or inclusive spaces to thrive in.

Because they can tooSome of the most successful high functioning people with autism have directed childhood fixations into

Join Sid in ‘Autism Exposed Singapore 2016’ - A Community Dialogue for Autism

on Saturday, 7 May 9 am – 5.30 pm for a fruitful discussion on the issues and challenges affecting the autistic

community and their caregivers, and how youths can play a part in co-designing

solutions for a more inclusive and socially integrated society for people with autism. For more details, contact Sid at 9730 4526.

with lower functioning people with autism.

Fixations should not be seen as a limitation and be stamped out. Instead, fixations can be tremendous motivators for people with autism and needs to be broadened into constructive activities. Even if the individual in my earlier example is not able to pursue his or her career as an artist, this interest shows his skills for attention to detail and photographic memory and these exact skill sets could be used as an advantage to maximise their talent areas and minimise their deficits.

Instead of viewing autism as a disability that requires sympathy and feeling sorry for people diagnosed with it, recognise them as a valuable diversity and make concrete commitments to reduce inequality and promote inclusivity so that they can have better quality lives and realise their full potential in our so called ‘neuro-typical world’.

autism special


careers. For example, an individual with autism who fixates on colours can use this highly focused interest to develop his expression through art, which then could lead to a career as an artist. Of course, the principle can also be used


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Assisting Autism For parents of a child who has Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), the desire to help their child is no different from any other parent. How can parents help a child with Autism?

autism special


CHECK THEIR PACEOne of the key tips is to be aware of the pace that they are able to work or respond with. It is important to slow down for many reasons – to allow your child to become comfortable with the situation; to allow them enough time to process and act; and to allow yourself an opportunity to highlight specific areas. This enables you to monitor what is happening and be aware of their behavior and development.

SET REALISTIC EXPECTATIONSBe realistic about what is possible on any given day. Many children with ASD have a sensory profile that may result in them being less consistent than others in terms of engagement and learning. Adjust according to what is going to be beneficial for your child is a skill that many parents acquire through interacting with their child. Being able to distinguish between “I won’t”, “I can’t” and “right now, I can’t” messages takes time and understanding.

LOOK OUT FOR TELL-TALE SIGNSMeltdowns and tantrums can be signs of overload. This may be a sensory overload, a reaction to a lack of sleep, certain food sensitivity or a signal that the level of input

or challenge is too much for your child to cope with. If a meltdown or tantrum happens, first ensure that you and your child are safe, reduce any language and remember to remain calm. Waiting a tantrum out and then building in success for the next activity is a good way to move forward.

CREATE STRUCTUREChildren with autism generally respond well to structure. Whilst

it is important that parents consider this factor, they also need to slowly build up their child’s flexibility and be prepared for the unexpected. Over time, this will build up their ability to adapt to less familiar situations and help them to generalize.

HOME LEARNINGOne of the best learning a child can do is done within the home setting. There are so many practical activities that can help a child with autism build skills, confidence, understanding and stronger relationships with others. Practical activities and using appropriate language help them to make connections between learning and the world around them.

For example, counting can be done in formal ways, but guiding your child to count in practical ways – such as the counting the steps

needed to bake a cake, helps your child apply the skills of counting and provides opportunities for generalization. Many household chores are great learning opportunities. Doing the laundry, cooking, gardening, cleaning - these are daily activities that can provide challenge and also have a certain variety that ensures your child is not just going through a fixed pattern of behaviour without thinking. By

doing activities at home as “shared experiences”, a stronger relationship can be fostered and it provides opportunities for more natural and holistic learning.

VISUAL AIDSChildren with autism are often strong visual learners and less often auditory learners.

Visual supports such as a visual schedule or visual prompts can relieve the stress of remembering a series of steps for many children. It can help them move on from one activity/situation to another. Visual cues tend to be more reassuring than the constant change of verbal instructions, which children with autism may find hard to process. Parents can help by showing them how to do things rather than just telling them. You may need to show your child several times and it’s

Expert: Fiona McDonald, Head of Learning Support of Chiltern House Preschool

Children with autism may need to be taught how to play, how to join in a

group and how to sustain being a part of a social setting.


important to have a clear start and finish to any activity.

START OFF WITH STRUCTURED PLAY Children with autism may need to be taught how to play, how to join in a group and how to sustain being a part of a social setting. Generally, they do best with structured play activities – ones that have a clear beginning and end so this is a good starting point for them. Next, parents can move into less structured and more dynamic interaction opportunities. Highlighting other’s emotionsReading facial expressions, body language and emotions takes time and direct guidance, so highlight to your child why someone is feeling a certain way and what are the signs that shows they are feeling this way. Often when children are unsure of how to react they do the opposite of what is expected, for example laughing when someone is crying. Exposure and spotlighting situations is important for them to learn. When this happens, stand back from the situation and use it as a learning opportunity instead of reprimanding your child.

BE SPECIFIC IN YOUR COMMUNICATION Children with autism think in concrete ways and tend to take longer to process verbal language. They tend to interpret language literally, so idioms, jokes, metaphors and sarcasm are often not understood. Parents need to be specific in their communication and

be mindful of how receptive their children are with regards to their language. A good tip is to focus your language on what you want your child to do, rather than what you want them to stop doing. For example, instead of saying “don’t run on the grass”, saying “walk on the path” could be more effective. Some children find it particularly challenging to process

the “don’t” types of words and others can overreact when they hear the “no” word. Being aware of the pace people speak and the amount of time given for each child to process what has been said is crucial. Don’t be afraid to slow down and to wait for your child to take in what has been communicated.

INTERPRET AND INVESTIGATEParents need to be alert and aware of the ways their child communicates. This may mean that at times a parent is part interpreter (making meaning of what is being said) and part investigator (finding out what else needs to be said). Children with autism often find communication a challenge because it is a social situation and therefore

can be unpredictable and constantly changing. They may find it difficult to describe their feelings and may not be able to find the words they need, especially if they are negative i.e., angry or irritated.

Some children may compensate for not having the language that is needed for a situation by “filling the space” with other language – this may include repetitious, scripted

or directly echoing language they have heard somewhere. It’s best to have several techniques for this situation – bringing your child back to the topic, slowing down the expectations so your child can re-group and adjusting the situation so that it is less stressful.

CELEBRATE AND BE PATIENTOne of the most important areas to remember is to reward yourself and celebrate the difference you have made in your child’s life. Being patient with your child is important, but so is being patient with yourself as a parent. Remain focused on what the goal is and see that this is a journey where the ‘goal’ may need to be adjusted many times. The path may be more diverse but the rewards for all involved can be just as great as for any other parent-child partnership.

Children with autism often find communication a challenge because it is a social situation and therefore

can be unpredictable and constantly changing.


autism special

COVERPAGE CONTESTT H E N E W A G E P A R E N T S

Adylea Sofea Binte Abdul

Rashid.

FIRST PLACE


Alessia Vindimian

RUNNER UP

Lim Yu Jie

SECOND RUNNER UP


arentsThe New Age P Parenting in the New Era

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Dear Mama,It’s hard when the alarm goes off, and

you really don’t want to get out of bed, but you remember the dirty dishes in the sink from last night, and too many toys strewn all over the house, and oh no, the air con guys are coming in half an hour for their quarterly servicing session…

Not to mention that your darling little tyke has already been awake for a full half hour, and come crawling into your bed to cuddle and kick and steal your blanket for his cocoon. Just your typical morning.

It’s all worth itNobody ever said this motherhood

gig was easy… but probably no one told you it was going to be THIS hard. After all, everywhere you look, you see happy shiny faces of mothers who’ve got it all together – cute kids, shiny floors, nutritious meals, and still manage not to look like a tornado just whirled through their front door.

Let me tell you something you probably already know but find it hard to believe – all those pictures of happy families and pretty homes you find on social media and Pinterest – that’s not what motherhood is about.

Not real motherhood, anyway. That’s not to say those photos aren’t

real – they probably are – but those pictures you see on your social media feed are just a teeny tiny snapshot into that mum’s day. A moment in time, and often posed for the camera.

So what does real motherhood look like?Eyebags, that’s for sure. A mind that’s a never-ending and racing to-do list of tasks to be ticked off and open tabs. Hands that are rough from countless dishes washed, bodies soaped and floors scrubbed.

Backs that are bone-achingly weary some days, from chasing after the kids or sitting in some convoluted position for far too long for story time. Bodies that seem to have forgotten what it was like to spring out of bed with joy and energy they used to have when they were in the prime of youth.

Juggling cooking lunch with listening to your preschooler tell you about his

day at school and trying to keep your toddler from climbing up the kitchen counter to where the knives are kept.

Loading the washing machine while two pairs of busy hands try to take everything out, at the same time. Refereeing countless wars, negotiating for nap times, and picking abandoned toys and books every other minute…

Real motherhood is so hard. But deep down in our hearts, the reason why we go on loving and caring for our errant offspring day after exhausting day, is the conviction that our mothering matters. And dear mama, it really does.

Today’s dramas over their Lego blocks will become tomorrow’s workplace politics over job responsibilities. This morning’s heated debate about finding the right pair of socks could well be a stepping stone to their best preparation for dressing smart for that first job interview.

Yesterday’s parenting woes and heartaches are building into you and your children a resilience that cannot be taught, a trust that cannot be manufactured. These day-to-day routines are setting the tone for a lifelong relationship that matters more to both of you than you may ever know.

Keep calm and love on, fellow mama-in-the-trenches, and know that your labour is not in vain. This is a battle worth fighting for, and we soldier on alongside each other every single day, with our bare hands and feet, wearing our hearts on our sleeves.It’s worth it.

Love, Dorothea ChowA fellow Mama

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Pumping at WorkMYTHS AND MISCONCEPTIONS

Breastfeeding in Public How a first time mama did it

WITH OUR EXPERTS

Q+A

The Single Life

“MY LONG-TIME PARTNER SAID HE WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BABY – FINANCIALLY OR OTHERWISE.”

How do single mothers keep it all together? Jenny Tai speaks to three mums to learn about their journey through parenthood.

Laura Tait, 24, owner of Laura Tait Professional Make Up & Beauty Photo courtesy of Laura Tait

Laura Tait was a 20 year old university student when she found out she was pregnant. A month before she gave birth, the father, who was Laura's long-time partner, said he wanted nothing to do with the baby - financially or otherwise.

Laura had to make a decision: "Did I want mummy and daddy to be together for

the baby, but constantly fighting, creating a negative environment, and having daddy in and out of our lives?" she said, "Or did I want to stand up for myself and show my daughter that I could give her the best life I could provide, with unconditional love and

stability? I chose the latter." She returned to school eight

weeks after giving birth to Olivia, and successfully graduated. Today, the English native runs her own mobile business, Laura Tait Professional Make


Laura and her 4 year old daughter, Olivia


Up & Beauty. She shares her thoughts on the stigma surrounding single parents, what it's like to date again, how she feels empowered, and what single parents wish people would stop saying.

What do you think are some of the misconceptions people have about being a single parent? Or about being a young single mum, for that matter? That we put ourselves in this position because we didn't try hard enough to fix the relationship. People don’t understand that it isn’t as black and white as that; there are many factors that determine the outcome of our situations. Many people praise single fathers, but then look down on single mothers. It's just not right. All parents fighting for what is best for their children and trying their best to provide should be acknowledged, not shunned.

Can you talk about a time when you felt terribly angry, upset, or shocked by the way you were treated as a single mum? When I was proceeding with the formalities for Olivia’s birth certificate at the ICA, I had decided not to put the biological father’s name down for the simple fact that I did not want him to have any rights to her. The dirty look that was given to me and the way I was talked to after explaining that to the officer were enough to make my blood boil. I then had to go to the supreme court and make an official oath in front of a witnessing judge that I was a single parent. I felt so outraged that I was being treated like a criminal for wanting to protect my child and raise her on my own.

Can you also describe a time when you felt uplifted and empowered as a single mum? I feel empowered each and every day. I feel proud to have been a part of building the character of my daughter. I feel empowered that she is strong willed yet I am the first person she looks for in times of need.

What are things that single parents wish people would stop saying? "Why are you a single parent?" "How can you have a child and not be married?" Sorry but my relationship status has nothing to do with my ability as a parent.

Was Olivia part of the reason you decided to start your own business? Yes and no. I needed time flexibility. A lot of the jobs I had applied for required at least 9 to 11 hour days. The company I had worked at prior to starting my own business allowed flexibility in my working hours. However, Olivia started getting very sick very often so I ended up missing a lot of work, which in turn affected my pay.

With my own business, I work the hours I want that fit Olivia’s schedule, I determine my own salary, and I'm doing something that I really enjoy.

What was it like to start dating again after you became a single parent? Despite the trauma and toxicity of my past relationship, I felt I could not love anybody as much I had loved him. After I gave birth I focused on school and looking after Olivia, with no interest in finding anybody. If I did find anybody, I had a full list of “terms and conditions." I wasn’t interested in dating or hooking up. I wanted the next person to be my

life partner, best friend and soulmate, so I wasn’t pushing my luck and searching high and low.

I let nature take its course and seven months later, a "tall, dark, and handsome" football player caught my eye and for the first time in my dating life, I asked him out! Dann and I have been happily together for just over three years and he has shown me what it is to love again, and to be loved in such an amazing way. Dann has been in Olivia's life since she was seven months old and she now refers to him as her daddy.

Raising a child can be financially challenging in Singapore. You're from Newcastle, England. What ultimately made you decide to stay and raise your daughter here, in spite of the challenges?

Despite Singapore being unbelievably expensive to raise a child, I also think it is one of the greatest places with so much freedom, safety, culture, and exploration. I moved here in 2001 with my family for my dad's work, and they have helped a lot financially over the years. If my family and my partner weren’t here then I think I would have no choice but to leave because there is no welfare system to help single parents in regards to housing or other subsidies.

Olivia is in the local school system because of the high fees of international schools. I hope she gets her PR status approved. Now that I am working and running my own business, 75% of my salary still goes towards paying Olivia’s childcare fees.

What advice do you have for single parents who are struggling to make ends meet? Buy second hand from people who are selling online through garage sales,


Craigslist, Gumtree, and Facebook groups. You will save so much money on so many things. Every couple of months I do a big clear out and sell a lot of preloved or unused things to make a bit of extra money.

There are many parents in unhappy relationships or marriages who would force themselves to stay together for the kids. What are your thoughts on that? As hard as it is to imagine, you have to put your happiness first. Your happiness will reflect on your children. Everybody deserves to be happy. You have to have the strength and courage to stand up and voice out when you feel something is wrong, then you have a choice to make.

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“A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER SHARE THE UGLY SIDE OF A FAILED MARRIAGE TO HER CHILD.” Vivian Pan, 31, founder of the Single Parents Support Group Photo courtesy of Vivian Pan

Vivian Pan, a 31-year-old single mother, founded the Single Parents Support Group (SPSG) in June 2013 as a way to support other single parents. From organizing fund-raising garage sales to alerting SPSG members of job openings, Vivian is constantly on the lookout for ways to help single parents in need." My main focus is on the children. Kids should not be left hungry," Vivian said. Groceries and milk powder, as well as diapers and pre-loved items such as strollers and playpens are "blessed out" by kind donors. Sometimes all it takes is a listening ear and words of encouragement to make a difference, and Vivian has those too: "I admire the courage that single mothers have and it's not easy, but you are not alone. We walk this path together bravely...Nothing is impossible. The word IMPOSSIBLE

decides it: 'I'M POSSIBLE.'" Vivian shares her own story, along with the stories of other single parent families that she has helped.

How did you become a single mother? My ex-husband was a drunkard and jailbird. He had an affair, didn't take care of the family, neglected his responsibilities of a father, and failed to work. I finally decided to go through divorce.

What is the relationship between your kids and their biological father? Does he help out with the kids, and if yes, to what extent? After our divorce, he disappeared. Most of the help comes from my very supportive parents who have been key figures in my child's upbringing and during my most difficult times.


Vivian Pan, with two children from a single-mum household she has helped


How is Father's Day handled in your single-parent family? At the start, my child would ask where his father was. After some time he stopped asking, as he began to understand who were there for him and who were not.

Father's Day has been a struggle for me, as the school focuses on both Mother's Day and Father's Day and preparing gifts for both. Whenever Father's Day approaches, I can feel my son going through seeing his friends making gift for their fathers. But he is not the only one; there are many kids from single parent families, too.

I strongly believe a mother should never share the ugly side of a failed marriage to her child. A child is the most innocent party. Till now, I have never revealed to my child the kind of person his father is. My child is still young and his focus should be on studying, building character, pursuing his passion, and having fun. Perhaps when he reaches a mature age of 16, I will share with him more.

What are some of the most memorable cases involving single parents that you've come across? There was a single father with a young daughter whose wife passed away due to cancer. He had to learn how to tie his daughter's hair. He struggled but as time went by, he braved up. He has a very kind girlfriend now who loves his daughter a lot. It always cheers me up when I see single parents finding their true happiness, showing that life is still worth looking forward to.

In another case, a single mum successfully got her rented flat. However, she could not afford anything when she first moved in. I gave her a rice cooker, washing machine, and kettle via kind donors. At that time, her only daughter was also suffering from a scalp problem and had to shave her head bald. I told the girl that she looked beautiful because she had the sweetest smile. I first helped this family two years ago. Recently I revisited them during Chinese New Year and brought them groceries and Chinese New Year clothes. Seeing the children's smiles motivates me to keep SPSG going to bring more smiles and hope to single parents.

The cost of raising kids in Singapore can be high. Single parents aren't entitled to the same benefits as married parents. How do you feel about that? What do you think should change? It's true that the current policy is unfavourable toward single parents. There is a 50-50 judgment on this. Unwed marriages should not be encouraged, thus, baby bonuses are not given to single unwed mums. But those single unwed mums may be facing betrayal or the sudden departure of their other half. They still choose to hold onto the little innocent life in their belly and take up the role of a mother.

Recently, the government has given the same number of parental leaves for single parents as married couples. This is encouraging.I still feel that if the full amount of baby bonuses cannot be given

to single unwed parents, the government may consider giving 50% of it to cover the newborns' basic needs such as milk powder and injection fees. Many single parents struggle with medical expenses; it's a concern because babies' immune systems are weak. The children are innocent, and no matter what they are still Singaporeans who may turn out to be scholars and valuable citizens who contribute greatly to our society.

What do you feel when you hear married parents complaining about how stressed out they are - especially when, as a single parent, you are taking on the role of both a mother AND a father?

Single parents are also parents. Maybe we should not be coded as single parents but as parents. Stress levels are faced by all. My advice for marriage couples is this: The best support is to have a supportive partner who is ready to share their time on parenthood. Communicate as much as possible, and be understanding and encouraging to one another.

What are the must-know resources for single parents especially when looking for financial help? This website may be helpful: www.moe.gov.sg/initiatives/financial-assistance. Visit their nearest Family Service Centre or their Members of Parliament. To learn more about SPSG, visit their Facebook page or their website, http://singleparentsupport.wix.com/2013.


“I CAN LIVE MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT TO, NOT BEING OPPRESSED OR DICTATED. I'M FREE.”Saralfathurunisha Muhd Jahabar, 43, NTUC WeCare BefrienderPhoto courtesy of Saralfathurunisha Muhd Jahabar

If you’re a single mum, Saralfathurunisha Muhd Jahabar wants to be your friend. It’s what she does as a Befriender. A member of the WeCare for U Project organised by NTUC Women’s Development Secretariat, Saral’s role as a Befriender involves sharing her own experience with other single mums, and inviting them to WeCare for U’s self-improvement workshops that offer practical resources and advice. Why does she do it? It’s simple. To let single mothers know they’re not alone.

The 43-year-old mother of two, reflects on what it’s like to connect with other single mums, why sometimes it’s better to let a relationship go, and how to enjoy the upsides of solo parenting.

How did you become a single mother? I became a single mother after careful consideration on my marital issues. Sometimes it’s better to let the other person go if they think that their happiness lies with someone else. I don't think it would be good to suppress ill feelings and go on pretending that

everything is okay, right?

Can you talk a bit about your work as a Befriender, and the ways that NTUC provides support for single mothers?Even when I am not participating in events conducted by NTUC, I share my experiences with other single mums who I meet and talk to, who are not members of WeCare for U. I share with them the exciting and beneficial aspects of joining the programme. As a WeCare Befriender, we offer friendship and support to single mothers who have just joined the programme. We share with them our experiences and skills learnt through the various initiatives in the programme, and let them know they are not alone in this

journey. NTUC goes out of the way in getting things done for us single mums. They organise exciting outings, as well as motivational talks and self-improvement workshops that inspire and build confidence in single mums.

What’s one of the most rewarding memories starting from when you became a Befriender? I got to know this lady who is currently experiencing emotional distress. She is slowly opening up to me, and actually, she reminds me of myself when I first became a single mum. She had a fallout with her family and is still coming to terms about her divorce. I am still talking to her and I hope she will join NTUC WeCare for U programme.


Sara and her two children


What are the most challenging parts of being a single mum? Being able to provide for my kids. The basic necessities. I took up sole custody just to make sure they get a proper upbringing.

What do you say to your kids when they ask about their biological father? They are fully aware of the situation. I am blessed with kids who are mature and understand our situation. They know that he left to be happy and to live a life he always wanted. They do meet with him occasionally. He has remarried so they share a cordial relationship. They were never too attached to him.

Why do you think there might be some stigma attached to being a single mother? We can't control what society tends to thinks of us. It is important of what we think of ourselves. Our status and how we present ourselves to society is what they should accept. We should not be afraid of what people think of us.

As a Befriender, your role is to reach out to single mothers. But what about when it comes to connecting with single fathers? Have you met many of them as well? Yes I have met a few. But most of them are financially stable and they are not as emotionally affected as a single mother typically would be. They take things practically.

If you started dating again, do you let the other person know right off the bat that you are a single mum?I do not think I will be entering the dating scene again. It’s not that I'm afraid; I went past that. I can safely say that I

am comfortable with the life that I am living now. But hypothetically, I would be frank from Day 1 because nothing is more important than my children.

As a single mother, what are the qualities you look for in a prospective partner? I am not looking for one at this moment. But I guess that fact that the guy has to be aware that I have responsibilities towards my children and he has to be understanding. After my previous marriage, I would definitely prefer if the guy is financially stable and not depend on the woman to provide for the family.

When nuclear families are the “norm,” how do you build up your own confidence as the head of a single-parent family? I have taken over duties as both father and mother from the very beginning of my life as a single mother. I have ample support from my mum and my sister. They have been my pillar of strength, giving me motivation to be strong. In fact I get my confidence from my mum since she has brought both me and my sister up single-handedly when my dad passed on 26 years ago. She was 36 then. She is a very strong-minded lady.

What are the perks or upsides of solo parenting?I can actually live my life the way I want to, not being oppressed or dictated. I can make decisions without fearing how the other half would think. I don't have to be emotionally abused or fear of being used. I'm free.

WeCare for U Project is a community outreach programme by NTUC for single mothers and their children. They empower single mothers to build up their emotional and social well being, so as to stay resilient and achieve financial independence through gainful employment.

The WeCare Befriender programme: provides a network of support and assistance to link single mothers to resources and organisations that can assist them. helps strengthen the bonds and to foster relationships between single mothers and their children through our WeCare for U programmes. enables single mothers who have benefited from WeCare for U programmes to offer friendship and support to new single mothers to the programme.

To find out more about WeCare for U programmes, please email [email protected]. For more information about NTUC Women’s Development Secretariat, go to www.ntucwds.org.sg


When women and men join the parents’ club their lives are hugely transformed. Decisions and activities are now made around the little ones. It is a responsibility which carries with it much fulfilment and joy. In this transition where mothers and fathers strive to be good parents and provide the best for the young ones, it is natural that a certain extent of identity loss occurs. Time flies and what you had dreamed of doing is now on pause until the kids grow up. But is parenthood and pursuing your dreams mutually exclusive?

Chasing your dreams can inspire your kidsBeing excited, motivated and doing what you love can be an inspiration to your children. How you enjoy life, manage challenges, build relationships, juggle responsibilities are opportunities to show your children how to live life. Living life purposefully and confidently sends positive messages to them as well. They are seeing how you manage your time, your interests and how you reflect self-confidence.

Furthermore, it is healthy to see yourself as an individual and your children as individuals. Some parents

see their children as extrapolations of themselves. Brad Bushman, a communications and psychology professor, found that parents who had a lot of regret surrounding their own unfulfilled ambitions tend to live through their children. As a result they may be more likely to want their children to follow the same dreams they once had.

Ride that rainbowPursuits in life do not have to fade when parenthood arrives. There are many facets of you, all of which are important and make you who you are. Why not live your life radiantly, not through your children, but with them? Here are six ways how you can start living your dream.

FIGHT THE GUILT Guilt is the silent epidemic which most parents deal with. You feel guilty if you take time for yourself when it could be quality time with the kids. When time is so precious, it is hard to escape the feeling of guilt when you choose to intentionally block time doing something for yourself. Focusing on yourself does not mean you are not family-centric. It is all about balance.

UNRAVEL THE MYTH OF BUSYNESS

You are busy, but so is everyone. How is it that some people can achieve their dreams, or work enthusiastically at something they love? They carve out time to do what they do. Benjamin Franklin once wrote, “You may delay, but time will not, and lost time is never found again”.

START WITH BABY STEPS

Choose something you would like to do and work towards that goal. Plan time for yourself to do that each week. If you are interested in music or would like to acquire a new skill, go for it. Read up, attend a concert, go for that workshop. Have you lost touch with your much missed friends as you always had no time to meet up? Schedule that tea session for a start.

BE CREATIVE Doing something for yourself does not have to always be exclusive from parenting. It does not have to happen when you are “out of the house”. How can you slot things in or do things together?

RALLY ALL THE SUPPORT YOU NEED

Extended family, trusted friends, your spouse can be supportive resources that give you small slots of space to do what you need to do. It is all about balance and partnership.

LOVE YOURSELF

Just as parents teach children how they are of value and are unique, the same advice counts for ourselves. There are talents you have and skills you can contribute to the world.

Those dreams you aspire to achieve may have to be juggled or adjusted to fit with your current family commitments. Sometimes they may take a backseat but they do not have to wait till the kids are all grown up. Chasing your dreams may inspire your young ones to have the confidence and courage to pursue after their own dreams as well. The ship has not sailed yet. It is never too late to dream on!

Is it possible to chase your own dreams after becoming a parent? Som Yew Ya discusses.

for the parent


The New Age Parents Apr May 16

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Transcript of The New Age Parents Apr May 16