The Marriage Turnaround- How Thinking Differently Can Help Turn Marriages Around

www.TheMarriageTurnaround.com

Why Marriage Matters

Social Health Better Health – Physical &

Mental Less Injury, Illness, Disability Longer Life Children Physically Healthier Children Emotionally Healthier Lower Infant Mortality Lower Child Abuse Lower STD Rates

Children’s Achievement Greater Overall Success in

School Better Reading Abilities More Likely to Attend

College More Likely to Get High

Status Job Less Likely to Divorce

When Married More Likely to Marry

Why Marriage Matters

Overall Social Impact Better Parent/Child

Relationship Lower Crime Rates Lower Domestic Violence Lower Teen Pregnancy Lower Juvenile Delinquency More Educated Citizens Higher Home Ownership Higher Property Values Higher Income and Savings

Impact of Failed Marriages

Social Health Higher Teen Alcohol/Drug

Rates More Domestic Violence More Sexual Assault Teens More Sexually Active Teens More Likely to Smoke Teens More Likely to Use

Drugs Greater Overall Violence High Stepparent/Other Sexual

Abuse Greater Depression Higher Rates of Suicide

Children’s Achievement More Likely to Repeat a Grade More Likely to Be Expelled More Likely Developmental

Problems More and Worse Social

Problems Lower Reading, Spelling &

Math Scores Low Self-Confidence & Self-

Esteem Difficulty with Peer Pressure

Relationships More Likely to Drop Out of

School

Does Divorce Make People Happy Study

Did unhappy spouses who divorced reap significant psychologicalAnd emotional benefits? Surprisingly, in this study, the answer was No among findings:

• Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average,than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouseswho had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouseswho stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, andincome.

• Divorce did not reduce symptoms of depression for unhappily married adults,or raise their self-esteem, or increase their sense of mastery, on average, comparedto unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controllingfor race, age, gender, and income.

• The vast majority of divorces (74 percent) happened to adults who had beenhappily married five years previously. In this group, divorce was associated withdramatic declines in happiness and psychological well-being compared to those who stayed married.

Does Divorce… cont.

• Unhappy marriages were less common than unhappy spouses. Three out of four unhappily married adults were married to someone who was happy with the marriage.

• Staying married did not typically trap unhappy spouses in violent relationships. Eighty-six percent of unhappily married adults reported no violence in their relationship, Ninety-three percent of unhappy spouses who avoided divorce reported no violence in their marriage five years later.

• Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation ended up happily married five years later. Just one out of five of unhappy spouses who divorced or separated had happily remarried in the same time period.

*American Institute of Values- www.americanvalues.org

How can this data/ information help people avoid divorce or work harder to save their marriage?

Marital Satisfaction: Stanley, S. M. & Markman, H. J. (1996). Marriage in the 1990s.

Oklahoma Statewide Survey (2002):If divorced, what were the contributors to your divorce?

Religious differences 20.6% Domestic Violence 30.1% Economic Hardship 38.9% Little or no marriage prep 41.4% Married too young 42.9% Infidelity 57.5% Too much arguing 59.2% Lack of commitment 84.9%

Johnson, C. A., Stanley, S. M., Glenn, N. D., Amato, P. A., Nock, S. L., Markman, H. J., & Dion, M. R. (2002). Marriage in Oklahoma: 2001 baseline statewide survey on marriage and divorce (S02096 OKDHS). Oklahoma City, OK: Oklahoma Department of Human Services.

How thinking, beliefs and attitudes affect marriage

Thinking -> Emotions -> Behavior

Example: Tell a child they are incompetent Cognition can affect/ maintain negative emotions and behavior in

marriage- Dr. Aaron Beck

Depression- One cause- Cognitive distortions

Couples must assess their attitudes, beliefs and thinking

A good place to turn around a marriage is by starting with beliefs, attitudes, expectations about partner or marriage in general.

The further expectations are from reality- the more hurt and dissatisfaction will occur.

www.TheMarriageTurnaround.com

Marriage Myths (The Marriage Turnaround)

1. "I Can Change My Spouse" 2. "I Made a Mistake, I Didn't Marry My Soul Mate" 3. "As Long As We're Happy, Everything Will Be Okay" 4. "It Don't Matter How We Treat Each Other, We're Married" 5. "If I Have to Ask for It, It Is Not As Meaningful" 6. "A Crisis Means We're Over" 7. Others in book…

www.TheMarriageTurnaround.com

Fundamentals of a Lifelong-Thriving Marriage Broad Perspective (Not about you)

Communication (Appreciation)

Conflict Resolution (Common Sense) Intimacy (Closeness)

Day 2 Day Challenges (Make Good

Choices; Slow Down) Community (You need others)

Systems Theory Family is a system- Dr. Murray Bowen’s Family System Theory Each part is connected to other parts – independent but connected- each

affects others positively and negatively- children’s mobile Marriage is part of the family system What goes on in the marriage is felt by the rest of the system False Assumptions- “My marriage is my business” “Marriage is a

private matter” “Of no consequences to children” Research- Teens who live in intact family are less likely to be

suspended, fewer fights, etc.* /Adolescents from intact families less likely to engage in sexual activity than peers from non intact families**

Marriage does affect the rest of the family system- especially children * http://www.mappingamericaproject.org/rss/rss_ ** http://familyfacts.org

Family Tension Cycle

Marriage Tension

Teen DisengagementAlternative behaviors

Teen Avoidance-

typically father

Teen Withdrawal

Tension between

Parents &Teens

Copyright 2005

Mitch Temple, LMFT*

Success in Math

Explanatory Variables for Math Score Variation

93%

3%

4%

Family Variables

School InputVariables

NeighborhoodVariables

Source: Caroline Hoxby, “If Families Matter Most, Where Do Schools Come In?” in Source: Caroline Hoxby, “If Families Matter Most, Where Do Schools Come In?” in A Primer on A Primer on America’s Schools, America’s Schools, ed. Terry M. Moe (Stanford, CA: Hoover Institution Press, 2001)ed. Terry M. Moe (Stanford, CA: Hoover Institution Press, 2001)

*Better marriages- better education outcomes.

Bringing Attraction Back

Ways to bring attraction back into your marriage

1. Start Dating again

2. Make yourself attractive

3. Brainstorm ways to communicate your desires to your spouse.

4. Educate self- put into practice

5. Service/ Sacrifice- doing good

www.TheMarriageTurnaround.com