The \'Magic\' of Civility

$: The \'Magic\' of Civility$
Pattie McNiel presents

The ‘Magic’ of Civility based on the best-selling book

Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct by

Dr. P.M. Forni, co-founder of the

Johns Hopkins Civility Project

Copyright © Pattie McNiel First Impressions Training (FIT) 2009 1

According to the book The Cost of Bad Behavior rudeness and incivility are costing U.S. corporation $300 billion dollars per year.

Increased employee turnover The average executive spends seven weeks per

year on employee related issues Cost associated with the employee replacement Job stress leading to illness and absenteeism The disruption of work teams The tarnishing of reputations both corporate and

individual All this leads to diminished financial results


No wonder so many people in America are talking about the need for civility in our society.

According to Kerby Anderson-Civility, “We seem to be living in the midst of an epidemic of rudeness.”

George W. Bush’s inaugural speech talked about “a new commitment to live out our nations promise through civility, courage, compassion, and character. America, at its best, matches a commitment to principle with a concern for civility.”

Copyright © Pattie McNiel First Impressions Training (FIT) 20093

Contested parking spots, cell phones ringing everywhere, blasting stereos at night, offensive Internet messages, racial epithets, out-of-control bullying, yelling supervisors, pushy shoppers, rude salespeople, littering campers, honking drivers, unsupervised children disturbing the peace, snappy stressed out spouses, self-serving friends, lack of respect for others, and lack of empathy.


“Life is difficult” M. Scott Peck “Life is suffering” M. Scott Peck “By doing good, we will do well” the

School of Hospitality Business MSU When we lessen the burden of living

for others we are doing well; when we add to the misery of the world we are not.

Life is what our relationships make it. To be happy we must learn to get along well with others. Civility is key to this concept.


To be truly human we must be able to imagine others’ pain and to relate it to the pain we would experience if we were in their place…empathy

What does civility mean to you? What does the list tell us? Civility is complex. Civility is good. Civility has to do with courtesy,

politeness, and good manners. Civility belongs in the realm of ethics.


The Boy Scout Oath: On my honor I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law; to help other people at all times; to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.

The Girl Scout Promise: On my honor, I will try: to serve God and my country, to help people at all times, and to live by the Girl Scout Law.


Trustworthy-tell the truth Loyal-be true Helpful-have concern for other people Friendly-be a friend to all (respect diversity) Courteous-good manners make it easier to

get along with others Kind-strength in being gentle Cheerful-look at the good side of things.

Watch the movie Pollyanna…soon Thrifty-protect our natural resources Clean-keep your body and mind clean


8

In the past year, 30% have stolen from a store (35% boys and 26% girls).

64% have cheated on a test. 1/5 said they stole something from a

friend. 23% said they stole something from a parent or other relative.

36% said they used the Internet to plagiarize an assignment.

42% said they lie to save money (49% boys and 36% girls).


With the above responses 93% said they were satisfied with their personal ethics and character.

77% affirmed that “when it comes to doing what is right, I am better than most people I know.”

According to Josephson most Americans are too blasé about ethical shortcomings. “Adults are not taking this very seriously.” he said. “The schools are not doing even the most moderate thing. They don’t want to know. There’s a pervasive apathy.”


10

The complete list of "Terrible Ten" behaviors:

1. Discrimination in an employment situation. 2. Erratic/aggressive driving that endangers others. 3. Taking credit for someone else's work. 4. Treating service providers as inferiors. 5. Jokes or remarks that mock another's race/gender/age/disability/sexual preference or religion. 6. Children who behave aggressively or who bully others. 7. Littering (including trash, spitting, pet waste). 8. Misuse of handicapped privileges. 9. Smoking in non-smoking places or smoking in front of non-smokers without asking. 10. Using cell phones or text messaging in mid- conversation or during an appointment or meeting.


Be responsible about drinking. B.R.A.D. Remember you represent yourself and

your university/company. The pack mentality. The consequences we face for our actions. Respecting your professors and persons in

position of authority. Try to imagine your life when you are 90

years old rocking in your rocking chair. How will you be remembered?


Always say “please” and “thank-you.” Welcoming a new neighbor or

acknowledging a newcomer to the conversation.

Disposing a piece of trash left by someone else…Walt Disney.

Making a new pot of coffee in the office after finishing the last cup.

Lowering your voice when it might interfere with others’ tranquility.

Refuse to take part in gossip. Acknowledging our mistakes. Giving directions to someone who is lost.


Happiness is the feeling of inner peace and satisfaction.

Life is made up of events in which we have little control over. When stuck in rush hour traffic rather then thinking how miserable the situation is, how about using this time to do some planning for work or a get-a-way for the family.

With the power of positive thinking we can be the makers of our own happiness.


Human relations are not always joyful. Freud answered the question, “what do human beings want?” His famous answer was, “They want to become happy and to remain so.” He observed, the single most painful source of unhappiness is perhaps our relationships with others.

We learn how to love when we develop a sensitivity to the feelings and needs of others.

We can learn how to be caring and decent human beings. How? The same way we learned how to ride a bike. We need someone to teach us and then we need to practice.


“We hear of a future where relationships are key and people are valued, where not just the task well performed but the life well lived is what counts.” -Frances Hesselbein

By treating you the best way I know how, I appeal to the best in you, urging you to do the same.

Barack Obama being elected the 44th President of the United States. When you raise a person, race, or culture you raise the expectations for everyone.Copyright © Pattie McNiel First Impressions Training (FIT) 2009

17

“When you feel loved, nurtured, cared for, supported, and intimate, you are much more likely to be happier and healthier. You have a much lower risk of getting sick and, if you do, a much greater chance of surviving.”

-Dean Ornish


When you can come to the aid of someone in need…do so. Black olives from the falling tray at the Kellogg Hotel and Conference Center.

A car trying to join the traffic flow. If everyone thinks of that car as just another car, the driver will be stuck forever. I will slow down and let him in ahead of me.

On a trip to Toronto with my friends from high school, I noticed there were students studying in the back of the car. I stated to my friends, “let's move to another car to talk.”


We are dining together and I ask you to pass the salt. What do you do?

What else do you do? Why do you pass both the salt and

pepper? First, because it is an etiquette rule. Secondly, you may be anticipating a

need of mine that may or may not become apparent.

Your act has an ethical component, since it requires attention and consideration.


20

The importance of remembering a person’s name.

A thoughtful compliment. Summarizing what was just said for a newcomer to the conversation. People open doors for people. Thank-you. Welcoming. Just say “hello” or “good morning” the

most basic form of acknowledgement.Copyright © Pattie McNiel First Impressions Training (FIT) 2009

21

When we approach others assuming that they are good, honest, and sensitive, we often encourage them to be just that.

“Jim, have I ever told you, you are my good one?” …Julie…Jason

Believing that they are good, I want to be good for them. What really counts is that almost all of them will rise to the occasion, riding the tide of my trust. As I think the best of them, they will be shaped by the credit I am willing to give them. They will begin to become what I think they are.

By the way, I have three fabulous grown children.


When it comes to people, have great expectations. It will be good for your soul.

Don’t discount the possibility of unpleasant surprises.

When people let you down don’t rush to judgment.

At some point you may wish to tell the people who have disappointed you about your discontent.

Be frank. No matter what their reaction to your frankness,

you can take comfort thinking that you have given them a precious chance to learn something about themselves, you, or both.


What prevents us from becoming a good listener? We are too busy focusing on our own needs rather than focusing on other people.

Plan your listening. Show that you are listening. Be a cooperative listener. Finally, you are listening and forming an

opinion. Don’t offer it unless requested to do so.

Human beings want someone to listen. To engage in considerate listening we are in fact expressing ourselves at our best.

Cartoon by Mike Sigers, October 31, 2006


Just try merging on a freeway without either getting honked at or cut-off.

Increase of people using cars as a weapon. Inpatient drivers darting between funeral

processions. Cursing and vulgar language on the

increase. Volunteerism and charitable giving are on

the decline. In these tough economic times if you can

not afford to give take up a service-learning project.


Speaking with consideration and kindness is at the heart of civil behavior.

Grandma Norton What makes us speak ill of others? When we are unsure of our own worth we

project upon others the less-then-flattering image we have of ourselves.

Finding faults in others we don’t believe we have makes us feel good.

It is less painful to point out other people’s problems than to try to solve our own.


As children we all want to be praised by our parents.

We take our parents praise as both love and proof we are worthy of that love.

Our taste for praise never goes away. By sharing with others how we feel we

begin to form bonds. “What you are doing is wonderful.” We

encourage them to keep doing it. Giving praise we nurture others’ self-

esteem, a crucial factor in their emotional well-being.


The values learned in having Aunt Gertie a part of my family.

The betrayal of the owner of the rest home Aunt Gertie lived in towards the end of her life.

The pauper’s funeral The dream that turned out to be true. So many years later the discovery while

researching this workshop. Justice for Aunt Gertie.


28

Civility does the work of empathy by putting into everyday practice the principle of respect for other people.

All of our actions have consequences. When we choose civility we choose to

do the right thing for others. We enrich our own lives every time we

do justice to others. The quality of our life depends on our

ability to relate and connect with our fellow human beings.


E-mail civility Phone civility Proper business introductions Networking Equal talking time at a business lunch/dinner Personal responsibility has left the building…

finger pointing The business thank-you note represents you

and your company. Builds goodwill. Has the potential to build profit.

Copyright © Pattie McNiel Impressions Training (FIT) 2009

30

The people in the car by The Fair Store throwing out their empty bag from McDonald’s.

Toluene being poured down the drain (and into the river) at an auto manufacturing facility.

Methylene Chloride and the “05” rating. It turned out to be carcinogenic.

Volunteer to clean up a section of highway.

What about the water bottles? Cigarette butts.


George Washington’s first rule of civility. “Every action done in company ought to be done with some sign of respect to those that are present.”

Benjamin Franklin believed practicing the art of civil virtue leads first to personal happiness and eventually to greatness.

You can always listen to your mother, “be nice.” Never forget the golden rule, treat others the

way you wish to be treated. "Every religion emphasizes human improvement,

love, respect for others, sharing other people's suffering. On these lines every religion had more or less the same viewpoint and the same goal." The Dalai Lama


33

Business attire Respect your employer and arrive on time Work time is spent on activities that increase the

bottom line, e.g., gossip, vacation “Ask not what your country can do for you, rather

what you can do for your country.” John F. Kennedy What can you do for Ottawa county?

Go the extra mile at work everyday Avoid negative people and situations Life is constant and continuing improvement Never complain, criticize, condemn or gossip Prior planning prevents poor performance Reciprocation-by giving first and often doors will open


1. How you perform (talents & strengths) 2. How you fit (fit is critical to performance

and value) 3. What value you will provide If you are not in the right job you will

become disinterested, disconnected, and bored. When performance suffers, value suffers. Take an assessment to find your passions.

Provide the “fit” aspect to your resume. List the talents needed and how they compare with your talents.


Tricking your body to release endorphins.

The Vietnam POW put in a cage for seven years. How did he pass this time to keep his sanity? By playing 18 holes of golf at his favorite course back home.

What actually happened when he was released as a POW?

Let’s Practice to see if we can release some endorphins.


Anyone wish to share with the group what you will do in the near future to improve civility?

Please name the top three things you will take away from this workshop on civility.

Your feedback is critical to the improvement of this workshop, please take a few minutes to fill out the evaluation form.



38

The \'Magic\' of Civility

Business

Transcript of The \'Magic\' of Civility