THE LESSER MAGOO · 2010-10-14 · Bottom’s Dream Theater of Los Angeles, Jim Martin, Artistic...

/ubu editions2002

THE LESSER MAGOOMAC WELLMAN

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The Lesser MagooBy Mac Wellman

Permission kindly granted by Mac Wellman

©1996 Mac Wellman©2002 /ubu editions

Cover image: Ward Tietz, Glug, 1988. From the Roosevelt Pond series. Thefull series can be viewed in UbuWeb’s Contemporary section.

/ubu editionswww.ubu.comcontact: [email protected]/ubu editions series editor: Brian Kim Stefans

/ubu editions2002

THE LESSER MAGOOMAC WELLMAN

the lesser magoo mac wellman

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T H E L E S S E R M A G O O

persons of the play:

Ms CURRAN, an adept and assistant ofMr CANDLE, an expert on the topic of

Crowe’s Dark Space,Mr TORQUE, the new man, and replacement for

Mr Bullock, who is discovered hangingin the closet and later as

JOEGH BULLOCK’S GHOST,CANDLE’s wife, RUTH, and their daughter,TESSARA, at the Summer Place in Moonhat;

and their guests:Mr GABRIEL PLEASURE, a literary person,Mr CANDLE PROSPER, a country-cousin of the

CANDLES and former United States Senator;Mr FOSS, former Genius and mathematician,SHIMMER, who has catered the whole affair, and Aunt SYCORICA, a remote relation from the

deep, interior regions of Central Asia.

THE LESSER MAGOO follows A MURDER OF CROWS, THEHYACINTH MACAW, and SECOND-HAND SMOKE and con-cludes the author’s CROWTET; the play was commissioned by theBottom’s Dream Theater of Los Angeles, Jim Martin, ArtisticDirector.

Dear, it’s only a paper moon, sailing over a cardboardsea,

But it wouldn’t be make-believe, if you believed in me.And it’s only a canvas sky, hanging over a muslin

tree,But it wouldn’t be make-believe if you believed in me.Without your love, it’s a honky-tonk parade.Without your love, it’s a melody playedIn a penny arcade.It’s a Barnum and Bailey world, just as phony as it

can beBut it wouldn’t be make-believe, if you believed in me.

— Billy Rose, from THE GREATMAGOO (1932)

Note: The occasional appearance of an asterisk in the middle ofa speech indicatesthat the next speech begins to overlap at thatpoint. A double asterisk indicates that a later speech (not the oneimmediately following) begins to overlap at that point. The over-lapping speeches are all clearly marked in the text.


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Scene [bounce ]: An office in a large building whereimportant work of an unmentionable kind is done. CURRAN,CANDLE’s assistant is dressing down the new man, a poor foolnamed TORQUE. Pause.

CURRANYou did not answer my question, Mister Torque.

TORQUEI did not answer it because I did notunderstand what you were asking.

CANDLEDid you hear that, Curran, he did notunderstand? Ain’t that rich.

CURRANYou are saying you did not reply to myquestion because you did not understandmy question?

TORQUEThat is what I am saying, yes, Ms Curran.

CURRANWhat was it about my question thatescaped you, Torque, if you don’t


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mind my asking?

CANDLESurely the poor man is MAD.

He cackles— hides hisface in his handkerchief.

CURRANSir, I must ask you to hold your reaction, Mister Candle, till I have finished the rogatory phase.

CANDLEI did assume, my dear Curran, youhad concluded the rogatory phaseas the poor ape is clearly on the ropes. But if I have been prematurein my postrogatory celebration pleaseaccept my apologies.

TORQUEGee—

CANDLENo, not you, you mildewed sock;you, you walking flea-circus.

TORQUEMister Foss would not address mein such a fashion.

CANDLEDoctor Raymond Bojangles Crapley Foss is a genius— you are a flaming crow’s headof mediocrity. Go on, Curran.


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CURRANNow Mister Torque, you were sayingyou did not understand my question.What precisely about it did you failto comprehend?

TORQUEPretty much all of it— from the headpart all the way to the tip of its tail.

CURRANI find this incredible, sir.

TORQUEI am saying I did not understandthe language of it.

CURRAN“I did not understand the language of it”,What am I supposed to make of that? Andthis is not a mere Quine statement.

TORQUEI believe my statement speaks for itself;it is self-evident.

CURRANPerhaps Mister Torque, I shall followyour tack and reply that my previousquestion speaks for itself. And also,perhaps I shall also announce that the statement I am in the processof just now uttering speaks for itself.How would you respond to that?

TORQUELook, I don’t know what you’re getting


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at. For the life of me. If youwant to ask me a question, ask mea question I can understand, in alanguage I can understand.

CURRANWhy should I do that Mister Torque?After all it is you, there, twistingin the catbird seat ...

CANDLEAttagirl, Susannah! Twist the oldcorn knife.

TORQUEI can’t believe this guy.

They glare at each other.

CURRANAll I am trying to do, Mister Torque,is shed some light on the matter at hand.

TORQUEOn what matter, for Pete’s sake?

CURRANOn the matter at hand, the matterof the previous question.

TORQUECould you repeat it please?

CURRANWhat did you say?

TORQUEI said: could you repeat it


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please?CURRAN and CANDLEconsult. Pause.

Could you please repeat what you justsaid?

CANDLENo. Not* really.

CURRANCould you please repeat what youjust said?

TORQUEWhy the hell should I? Jesus, youpeople have a lot of nerve, you askme.

CANDLEDo you always behave in such aperemptory fashion, cheesehead, during interviews of this kind?

Pause. TORQUE lowers his head.Do you?

TORQUESorry. It’s just. It’s just that I, well,I have never been interviewed before in precisely this fashion. I’m sorry, and ...

CURRANHow have you been interviewed then,Mister Torque? Tell us, really,* we’dvery much like to know. We wouldlike to know, wouldn’t we, MisterCandle?


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TORQUEWell, usually, people ask me ... oh,crap ...

CURRANWhat is it, Mister Torque?

TORQUEAll this sarcasm, I’m sorry I justdon’t see the point of it. Where Icome from interviews are conducted in sucha way that ... that ...

CANDLEI cannot believe the fatuous* cheesehead.

CURRANGo on, go on, Mister Torque. We arelistening to everything you say.

TORQUEWell ... in a way that is dignified andlow-key. All this badgering and question-begging ...well it baffles me. And I just don’t know how,how to respond. I mean, I literally ... I tellyou I don’t understand what you are saying and all I get is this really objectionable ridicule.

CANDLE sobs withstifled laughter. CURRANstares coldly at the poorman.CURRAN

Perhaps then you are not interestedin this job.

TORQUEBut I am, I am, don’t you see? It is


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only I do not understand ...Groping helplesslyfor words, anything.

CURRANPerhaps then you are not really interested in this job.

TORQUEIt is only that I do not understandwhat it is I am expected to do.

CURRAN rolls her eyes asCANDLE whinnies. Pause.

CURRANSince you refuse to answer my first question,I propose asking you a second one, with thecaveat that I shall not ask a third.* Do Imake myself clear?

TORQUEBut, but Ms Curran please I ... I ... certainlywould have answered the question, only you see,I must confess that English is my only languageand that therefore I meant no harm. Only, youseemed to be speaking, I would say, a foreigntongue.

CURRANWhat!

CANDLEIndeed. What?

TORQUEYes I would say a foreign tongue, and not onlythat, but a language at some remove from those


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with which I am ... most familiar. Altaic, I wouldsay. A variant of Turko-Tungusic perhaps.

CANDLEPerhaps, eh?

He laughs again

CURRANThat would seem to imply an unusualistposition on your part, Mister Torque. Areyou quite sure that is the stance you would like to leave us with the impressionof, as you complete your interview?

TORQUEYou have no reason to call me an unusualist.I am not an unusualist, er.

CURRANYou mean to say you deny categorically anyassociation with members of the unusualistcamp, either here, or back home in NewDelbert whence your people originated?

CANDLESlouching in their foul turbans and pointy-toed shoes.

TORQUEI would deny that charge categorically;yes, that is true, I would, indeed.

Long smoke-filled pause.

CURRANSir, do you know what Crowe’s Dark Spaceis?


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TORQUESure, it’s the place where the One He Refused toMeet encounters the Crocodillian Mahoon and thereforelays an egg. Quite a large egg, in fact.

CURRANAnd you are sure of that?

TORQUEWell— that’s what I was taught at Princeton.School of Upper Malabar Philocubist andMacrurous Studies.

CANDLEWas old Jenkins still around at that time?

TORQUENo, Mister Candle, I do believe that,owing to a random bicker at the Collegeof St John the Stylite he had alreadybeen given the mad-dog skull cap andforced to resign in favor of Foss. Histrue love was not resonance and radiancein any case.

CURRANFoss would never’ve stooped to such a thing.

CANDLEAnd there is no such thing as a “random”bicker, Mister Torque, you ... you ...

CURRANActually on this* score he is correct,Mister Candle.

CANDLEYou, you fetid, cronking bagpipe.


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TORQUEYes, quite.

CURRANAt the German Club quite. Random bickersdid occur, if I recollect it correctly.

TORQUEYes, that’s what I’m saying. There issuch a thing as a random bicker. Andrandom bickers did occur at theGerman Club.

CANDLEPhooh. Lucky guess ...

CURRANAnd, Mister Torque, do you know the preciselocation of the Bad Place?

TORQUEEr,

CURRANOnly a confirmed unusualist wouldhesitate at this juncture, Torque.Come clean.

TORQUEEr, only a bit of phlegm in the throat.You cannot imagine how unnerving an experiencethis is.

CANDLEPoor little philobrutist .... Tsk, tsk.


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CURRANMust I repeat myself, sir?

TORQUEThe Bad Place lies deep within the Forestof Whim. In the deep, interior regions.

CURRANAnd?

TORQUEAnd he holds sway there who stampswith a silver hoof.

CURRANAnd? Go on.

TORQUEAnd all the children of desire are raisedexponentially to serve at his banquet.

CURRANAnd what is the name of this banquet?

TORQUEEr, the Madison Avenue Transcendental Beetle-dance, I think.

CURRANYou think.

TORQUEEr, I am sure of it.

CANDLEHe thinks, ha.


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CURRANAnd what are the tools of the Lesser Magoo?

TORQUETools?

CURRANYes, tools.

TORQUE grimaces,brightens.

TORQUEOh, you mean the implements and instrumentsat her disposal?

CURRANTools, I said. “Tools”. The word speaksfor itself.

TORQUEWhisk broom.

CURRANOne ...

TORQUEValve trumpet.

CURRANThat’s two.

TORQUETom and Jerry Tongs— and tongue depressor.

CANDLE“Tom and Jerry Tongs”. Is that what they callthem in New Delbert? How vulgar.


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CURRANIn Chenango, Mister Torque, we refer tothese as Ludovican Constrictors. File thataway for future reference. In the unlikelyevent you are invited to join the firm. Doyou understand what I am saying? Good. Now please continue.

TORQUEChattahoochie Star-Toothed Harrow.

CURRANAnd ...

TORQUENumber six parting tool ... tub chair ...Klein bottle and ... er.

CURRANThat’s eight. Good. Five more.

Pause.

TORQUEI thought there were only twelve.

CANDLEWe bicker in New Style here, fool.Check your manual in CD rom.Dolt. Cheesehead.

TORQUESorry, er.

CURRANGo on, please.


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TORQUEOboe. Hip-boots. Hacksaw.

CURRANEleven.

TORQUEAh. Clothes tree. Plunger. Jigger-chaser.

CURRANFine. You’re almost there. Four more.One of them tricky.

TORQUESt Louis Double-Hinged Rainbow-Roof.

Pause.Ramses Motorized Lawn Cable.

CURRANAnd?

TORQUEEr.

CURRANHint: there’s a trick to it. It is two things,not one.

TORQUEI don’t get it, er.

CANDLEPhooh.

TORQUEI get it: The Obeah-Man Refluent Bowand Arrow.


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CURRANThat is correct, Torque. You have completedround one of the first cycle of Presley’sTitle One Rogation Exercise. Sir, would youlike to visit the Men’s Room?

TORQUENo, but I would like a drink of water.

CURRANThere’s a water cooler down the hall to your left. Room 8. Be quick* about it.

CANDLEDullard.

Hurriedly TORQUE exits.

Both CURRAN and CANDLEshut eyes, place handkerchiefsover eyes (i.e. Einstein fashionwith knotted corners).

Neither one makes the slightestmove for three minutes.

Both remove the handkerchiefs.

CANDLESusannah, would you like to stop byfor dinner next Friday? We’re openingour place out by Moonhat for the summer.

CURRANI’d be delighted, Mister Candle.


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CANDLEYou’ve never met Ruth, and my daughter,Tessara. About your age, I reckon.

CURRANI’d be delighted, Mister Candle.

CURRANFive sharp. Dress is informal.

CURRANFive sharp it is.

Pause. Neither movesfor another full minute.

TORQUE re-enters. Somethingterrible has happened to him.He looks like he has seen aghost. Perhaps his own.

He has vomited, soiling hisshirt and jacket. His leftshoe and stocking are gone,and the foot is bloody.Tremblingly, he crossesthe room, leaving bloodysplotches; and quietlysits as before.

CURRAN and CANDLE exchangemeaningful glances.

As TORQUE sits tremblingCURRAN quietly begins talking.CANDLE looks away and smokes a cigarette.


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CURRANTorque, do you know the story of theMarabou Man-Orchid?

No reply.And what is the taboo name for theflensing knife?

TORQUEGeorge.

CURRANVery good. Now, you must listenvery carefully to every word I say.For every word is of the utmostimportance.

The history of our people begins in theMalabar nightshade. For once upon a time,deep in the Malabar nightshade. In thedeep, interior regions of it, I mean.A man named P. Johnston Crapleyfell off his horse and like you,injured a foot. Staring up to Heaven, he began to hear voices.The voices told him to go to a far,far place. And arrange for a billeton the next steamer bound for NewDelaware. He spoke with a localcarcoon and all was arranged as hedesired. The voices werefollowed by visions. Visions of Resonanceand Radiance ...

CANDLEHallelujah. Hallelujah [Matter-of-factly.

He makes an odd salutewith one hand.


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CURRANWithin a short time it appeared clearto P. Johnston Crapley that he had beenselected for a unique spiritual mission,namely the compilation and editing ofthe Variorum New Delaware Florilegium.

Thus, his grandson J. Mahoon Crapleywas subsequently able to found thisfirm upon the soundest of principlesin 1923. In 1925 his son, ClarenceJeremiah and Clarence’s sister, ClarissaMadrasah were suspected of Philadelphiantendencies, and so involuntarilyseparated. She was sent to Londonto be secretary to Lady ErnestinePomfret du Nouyes. He went to Germany where he studied Rotor Statistics andUpper Silesian Slide-Bar Rotationwith a certain Doktor Dornier atDusseldorf. Later he escaped, witha superior doodle-bug of the HerrDoktor’s design to the YellowstoneRiver region— which he had alwayswanted to see. And in especial, the“hoodoo” or goblin land of that country.Devastated by the forced separationfrom his dear sister Clarissa, he onlythought to make an end of it allthere. The world and all it containedhad become for him what it is we meanwhen we refer to the Bad Place. Doyou understand what I am saying? Itis very important that you are clearabout the meaning of each word.Do you?


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TORQUEI understand, er.

CURRANMeanwhile sweet Clarissa would open apillow from time to time, and confessher unholy passion. Do you understandwhat I am saying? It is very importantthat you are clear about the meaningof each word. Do you? Are you? Fine.Finally she arranged with some Soho hoodlums to kill a black cat on thelast quarter of the moon, and placeit on the doorstep of the person sheintended to hoodoo— namely Lady Pomfretdu Nouyes. In this way she was able todisguise herself in Indian boots, andmake her way into the night, with onlya husking pin and a corn knife.

Years later she prepared the first complete anatomical descriptionof the Hutchin’s goose. She marriedlate in life to a distant uncle ofMister Candle here [He nods.], a certainLyell Crapley, the true inventor ofMergenthaler linotype and rusticatedhere, where she spent her sweet, latteryears.

CANDLEIndeed, her corn knife is rumored to beburied deep in the woods of my summerestate out at Moonhat, near the casino.


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CURRANIs that so? I wasn’t aware of that.

She turns sharplyback to her prey.

And what is the taboo name of the flensingknife?

TORQUEGeorge, I said. George.

CURRANJust checking to see if you’re payingattention. Now,

She takes a drinkof water.

TORQUEEr,

CANDLEWhat is it, you moron. You CHEESEHEAD ...

CURRANPlease, Mister Candle, let me getto the meat of the matter.

Some thirty years later, a group ofyouths in black jackets were observedmoving in a ring near Bug River. Someof them were smoking cigarettes. Now,presently, as we speak, all of the,the descendants of P. Johnston Crapleyare now dead. So the point is how doyou explain the following. Say I amin my laboratory and I stumble upon a very lovely little North Wind CamwoodErgometer. I say, it seems to have


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been left by someone. You reply, ifit is such a beauty someone will surelycome back for it. I respond, that makessense, but in truth it is such a beautyI should really like to have it. Youassure me that you understand my desire.I suggest that I shall wait a week, andafter that time if the Camwood Ergometerstill remains here unclaimed, well thenthe precious device shall belong to me.Where precisely is the error in myargument?

TORQUEJ. Mahoon Crapley’s fame did not arisefrom his dealings with emissaries of theBad Place, but as a result of his subsequentwork on Lower Silesian Side-Bar Rotation,and to a lesser degree, upon his treatiseon the Brazilian, or “Silvery”, poodle.A rare beast (Pudelhund Argentum).

CURRANVery Well.

The closet door openswith an eerie creak.

We see in the shadowsa body swinging from arope. A suicide. TheMAN is dressed identicallyto poor Mister TORQUE.TORQUE stares, then screamsonce.

TORQUEFor the love of Christ. What’s he doing


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there?

CANDLEJoegh Bullock— your predecessor. Seems to have suffered a fatal selferasure. Ha.Can you imagine? You, fool, lug the gutsout of here.

CURRANMister Candle, this is really disgusting.I feel I shall have to file a report. Ihad assumed we were operating under theterms of the St Cloud System for StressReduction, New Orleans Resonance andMonkeyhat Preadmonishment.

CANDLE ignoring herYou heard me, moron, move it.

TORQUE lumbers up to theswinging corpse. Stares.Cuts him down with awicked looking knifesecreted in his shoe, andslowly proceeds halfwayto the door. He stops.

TORQUEWhere?

CANDLEBugger yourself.* Phooh.

CURRANTake it down the, Mister Torque, down thehall, to the wall chute, please.

TORQUE lumbers outwith the corpse. Closesthe glass door behind


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him. Pause.

CANDLEHe’ll do.

She yawns.

CURRAN Long day.

Stands.

CANDLERemember: next Friday at my summer place.

CURRANOff Route 6?

CANDLENear the Republican landfill.

CURRANBring a bottle of wine?

CANDLEBring a white. I have the red. Loadsof red in the basement. And in thedeep woods. In the deep interiorregions of the woods.

Both begin to pack theirbags, and prepare to closethe office for the day.

Slow black. End of scene.

Scene [ricochet ]: Late afternoon, of a pleasant summer’sday, near the gazebo, on CANDLE’s vast estate, close to both BugRiver and the deep woods adjoining. The guests stroll aboutdrinking, smoking— having a good time. These include MsCURRAN and CANDLE himself; his wife RUTH and daughterTESSARA; the literary person, GABRIEL PLEASURE and CAN-DLE PROSPER, a country cousin of the CANDLES, also a formerU.S. Senator. In addition: SHIMMER, who serves the drinks, andAunt SYCORICA from Central Asia. And of course, the oldphilosopher FOSS,who is confined to a wheelchair and says not aword. They all drift in and out of scenes, and observe the others.Principle of the Act: when you’re not on, you’re off. [Note: atsome point all the characters stop whatever they are doing, andjoin together to sing Billy Rose’s “Paper Moon” (See page 3).

TESSARAI wasn’t funny— so I got hosed.

GABRIEL PLEASUREI beg your pardon?

TESSARAIn the school play, back at school.

_____

CANDLEWhat is the point of writing crap


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like that, Ruth?Crumples paperand tosses it.

RUTHShe was to see the doctor.She was to see the doctorif it got worse.

As they drift offSHIMMER rescues thepaper, secrets iton his person.

Senator CANDLE PROSPERhums a little tune toAUNT SYCORICA who isstaring at TESSARAwith flaming eyes.

CANDLE PROSPER sings:Ask too many questionsand you fly, fly, fly.Ask too many questionsof the woods, the creek, the sky!Of the corn, the wheat, andof the sacred monkshood—Ask too many questionsof the bluegrass and the hay ...

He stops.I forget the rest of it, but it wasour song. The song of our people,you might say.

Notices AUNT SYCORICA’sintense stare.

Yes, yes. She’s a lovely young girl.Absolutely stunning.


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_____

CURRAN hands CANDLE a bottle.He kisses her lightly on the cheek.

CANDLENow go mingle.

CURRANCould you introduce me to your family?

CANDLEThey’re a pretty dull bunch. Oh, Ruth,come here, would you? Tess? You, too.

They wave, butdon’t bother.

I never know how to behave atsocial situations. Oh, there’ssomeone you ought to meet.Mister Gabriel Pleasure.

GABRIEL PLEASURE turns at themention of his name and trips,nearly falling. Smiles andwaves.

He’s a literary person of some note.Can’t recall actually reading anythingthe poor fool has written. But everywhereone goes one encounters it— books andbooks of the stuff. Dyed-in-the-woolunusualist, I suspect. I dunno. One ofhis epistolary novellas was written inhigh school French. Anomalous Narcolepsyit was called I believe. Decent enoughfellow, and a pretty fair tennis player.Lives over in ... ah ... Corntown, thatbig old, run-down Corinthian courthouse


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by the morgue. A Minnesotan, ah ...SHIMMER brings themwine. Our host handsCURRAN’s bottle overto him.

CURRANTell me, Mister Candle, is what we’re dealing with classical QuadraticStark Effect?

CANDLENo, I wouldn’t call it “classical”.In fact, in point of fact, it doesn’treally qualify as Stark Effect either.No, I’d prefer to call it a case ofQuadratic Zeeman Effect.

CURRANYou don’t say?

GABRIEL PLEASURE approaches. Pause.So the Q value is joint?

CANDLEHello, Gabriel, this is Susan Curran.

CURRANSusannah ...

CANDLESorry, dear, Susannah Curran.Susan, this is Gabriel Pleasure,a person of some literary standing.

GABRIEL PLEASUREDelighted.


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CURRANHow do you do?

CANDLEMight be thought of as Q switching.The vulcanization of products, etc.Rubber and rubber trees.

GABRIEL PLEASUREI’m having a bad hair decade.

CANDLEI beg your pardon?

GABRIEL PLEASURE goes off.

_____

AUNT SYCORICAThat little rabbit, I’d swear she’s givingoff Cerenkov radiation. The soft blue aura.Amazing.

FOSS—

AUNT SYCORICAYou bet I’d like to monkey with herbore-hole.

FOSS—

AUNT SYCORICAWhen the moonlight comes perhapsI’ll tell you the true tale of our people.


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Not before. We were unusualists,all of us, you know.

FOSS—

AUNT SYCORICAThe historical trace is persuasive.Admiral Miraldi was the first todiagnosed the condition: The “MonocoqueMoney Illusion”, he named it.

She laughssoftly.

Yes, I’d like to monkey with that.She sings:

In Shantung, Charlie,The sharks all live on

a hill.The sharks all live on

a hill.Pause.

The sharks all live ona hill.

In Shantung, Charlie ...

____

CANDLETranscaucasia? Not bloody likely,Ruth. The daypart morning drivepicks each bid off the wall. Won an Emmy.

RUTHEligible liabilities, I should say.Gabriel is the sweetest man.


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CANDLEWalks like he’s fouled withLepas Anatifera. Barnaclesconceal his ball of glass.

RUTHTessara’s a-tingle. Ho.

CANDLEAt least she doesn’t need any charactermerchandising. The sensuous young!You like Curran?

RUTHWhere’s she from? She acts like a rabbitin a challenge box. Unusualist.

CANDLEHer? No way. A bean counter.

RUTHBean counters can be unusualist too.

CANDLEHa. Ha.

Pause.Go ask Shimmer if the gimmick fruitcan be that funky. Magneto-hydro-dynamically speaking. Look. Hey,Don’t look at me that way. Funkmoney is not funk art.

RUTHYou old lefty.

She kisses him on the nose.Funkum.


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CANDLEFunkum. Funkum. Funkum.Fold.

BOTHFunkum. Funkum. Funkum.Fold.

RUTHBold. Old old. Future* schlock.

CANDLEOptical wand.

RUTHFuture schlock.

CANDLEOptical wand.

RUTHMahoon. Mahoon. Mahoon. MahoonMahoon. Mahoon. Mahoon.

CANDLEMorbidezza, my dear.

RUTHMorbidezza?

CANDLEIndeedy do. Folded nicely will do.

_____

THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCK shuffles


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up to the solitary CURRAN, butonly TESSARA can perceive him.

THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCKMiss Curran, it’s me. I took the open-jawticket here. The half-life of my half-deathdoesn’t seem to read. I never accused thosePetra’s Bulk-Handling Machine people. Inever did. Someone else cooked the books.

Sniffs her wine.This wine’s got halitosis. If someonedoesn’t acknowledge me I’ll fade out anddark about till my dunlops dangle, tillthey dark me out in the daddy tank withDagmar over there. Please.

But she doesn’tnotice anything.

CURRANDado.

Pause.THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCK

Please help me.

CURRANDado. Deedo.

Pause.Dado. Deedo. Dashpot.

The suave GABRIEL PLEASURE joins her.Hi.

GABRIEL PLEASUREJiminy jiminy jump.

He bows.Now jump cut the neonwith your nerfing bar.Now now now.


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CURRANNow now now.

GABRIEL PLEASUREThat’s called Rotary Swaging. It’sa half-moon do-or-die kind of thing.

CURRANUsual or unusual?

GABRIEL PLEASUREYou expect me to answer that?

CURRAN?

GABRIEL PLEASUREIt is, also, of course, a door checkkind of thing. Drastic. Like themurmur of the comb-tooth spider.

They engage in some friendlyribbing:

CURRANYou look at me like I’m a Murjite.

GABRIEL PLEASUREOne could do worse, Miss Curran.Forty-five thousand tons of dropweight does not an umble make.

CURRANHow clever. First generation scare-headstuff. And I had you pegged as anunabhorrent. Albeit an unusual one.

Gives her a look, and


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then bursts into song:

GABRIEL PLEASUREScam. Scam. Scaly scam.Climb the side-pipes

and back again.

Scam. Scam. Scaly scam.Climb the side-pipes

and back again.

Oh, steady state. Steady state. Steady state.Steady state. Steady state. Steady state.My stick-dad is namedPellagra.

Oh, my stick-dad* is namedpellagra.

CURRANMy stick-dad* is namedPellagra.

GABRIEL PLEASUREMy stick-dad* is namedpellagra.

CURRANMy stick-dad is namedpellagra.

BOTHPellagra. PELLAGRA.

Pause. All stareat them.


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CURRANStick him on!Stick him on!Stick him on!Stick him on!Stick him on!Stick him on!Stick him on! [Repeat X 7.

_____

TESSARASforever.Sforever.Sforever.Sforever.Sforever.Sforever.Sforever. [Repeat X 7.

Pause.Ward X is my washingmachine, oh.Wango, wango is my washboard.What a wandering whistle-stop, oh. [Repeat X 7.

Pause. Sadderbut wiser.

Sforever.Sforever.Sforever.Sforever.Sforever.Sforever.Sforever.

_____


40

CANDLE looks adoringly at hisdaughter:

Tessara, where you’re at’sa white rabbit.

CANDLE PROSPERA wheelsucker, you ask me. Heh?

CANDLEI beg your pardon? What did you say?

CANDLE PROSPERHeh. I said “heh”. White alert.

_____

AUNT SYCORICA and RUTHquietly chat.

RUTHAre you having a good time, dear?That’s Foss you were chatting with. A deranged former genius. Mathematics.He elaborated the theory of Resonant andRadiant Doohickeys. Arrays of infinitiesarranged in torus-ellipsoids, topologicallyspeaking. Thought to be quite useless,the whole bumfoozle. Lost his poor wits.The Phantom of Philosophaster Hall, theynamed him. Couldn’t be put away; itwould be unseemly for a genius to beconfined to the bughouse. Now his ideasundergird the whole foundation of thingslike Airy Disc implants, Avalanche Lilies,all those cheeses made from petroleum byproducts. Ultra-large Crude Containers,


41

or : ULCC’s. Rhode Island ElectromagneticRat-tail Hinges. Things like that, practicaldown-to-earth things that give a personballast in the community. You’d never knowto look at him; he was the agent of all that.

AUNT SYCORICAA fascinating old gentleman.

RUTHDid he say anything?

AUNT SYCORICAI was under the impression his mindwas gaga.

RUTHNo, no, no. He listens to everything, watcheseverything. He misses nothing. Only heplays his cards rather close to the chest. He’sa distant relation of ours. Just like you, only not quite that distant. The exactconnection has been diagrammed for me, but I’m still not too clear. Something morganatic.Or perhaps a tontine. Or something tontine-like.

AUNT SYCORICASounds morbid.

RUTHDo you have such things in your country?

AUNT SYCORICAIn Baku we tie the old, useless ones. Onelike him, with faculties gone. We tie themto a waterlogged stump and throw himin the tombi, deep glacial ponds.


42

A shocked pause.Was this old gentleman, in his fine, formeryears, by any chance a philumenist?

RUTHMy word, what in the name of Jupiteris that?

AUNT SYCORICAA collector of matchboxes.

RUTHCome to think of it ...

AUNT SYCORICAI want to listen to the old Senator talkabout politics. I only ask because he hasa grip of steel when he has clasped abox of matches I show him from Baku.

RUTH?

AUNT SYCORICAOh, by the way, that Curran slut is afteryour husband.

She goes.

_____

CANDLE PROSPERThat old witch used to say the wholeshindig is a flannel tunnel.

THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCK hasbeen following him, and standspatiently to one side.


43

TESSARADid she now? How original.* And what.do you suppose, did she mean by that?

THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCKPlease, Tess.

CANDLE PROSPERYes, yes, and more. I was on the Senate Committee then. Had access to things, thingslike, well, you know. Plans for the MohawkAll-Purpose Vehicle, or MAPV. I was Chairmanon the Subcommittee for West Virginia Radio-Sensitive Interversion, and SyllabicicityAs you can imagine a lot of the paperworkwas highly classified. Did you know there isno way in round number terms to arrive atan adequate derivative for the Fan ChoralDisplay? It means, my dearie, we literallyhave no way of knowing what we are doingon a macro level. Across the board, I would say.Buckley’s wrong; so is Ross Perot. It’s allone big Boston haircut, no matter how muchyou indulge in chest-thumping, whatever.The hate-mongers don’t have to be accurate.We do. That’s why polls are both nonsense,and not. Ever watch television and get theeerie feeling all that coon-track boss-out isbeing enacted within, that is right, withinthe regular confines of your personal noggin?Your own head? Well there is a reason for that.Because it is, you see, it is.

THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCKPlease, Tessara, please.


44

TESSARA aside:Joegh, Joegh. What are you doing? Youdon’t belong here. What are you doing?What are you doing?

The SENATOR is surprised.

CANDLE PROSPERWho’re you talking to, Tess*, if you don’tmind my asking?

THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCKPlease, Tessara, please.

_____

GABRIEL PLEASUREAfter I hid forty I began to not worry abouta whole class of things

CURRANDid I hear you correctly? Did you say:“When I hid forty”?

GABRIEL PLEASUREI thought I said, “When I hit forty”.

AUNT SYCORICAThat’s not what you said. Maybe you tooare becoming vacant-headed. Ha.

GABRIEL PLEASUREI beg your pardon?

AUNT SYCORICACertain persons are most interestingat that point in their life when things


45

begin to go wrong. Radically, drasticallywrong;

Pauselet.But that doesn’t seem to be the casewith you, Mister Please-her.

GABRIEL PLEASUREPleasure, please.

AUNT SYCORICAPleasure, an odd duck of an name.

She abruptly goes.

GABRIEL PLEASUREOdd duck indeed.

CURRANMister Candle says you write books in aforeign language.

GABRIEL PLEASURENo, although some of them apparentlyread that way. I practice both ideologyand the truth. A little spade work in whatever’scurrent, but not too taxing. Nowadayspoetry is all about line breaks, and that’snot too taxing. A little trivial though,even for a has-been like me. I rather preferinvestigative ideology— don’t matter whatyou turn up, the facts always fit. You mightsay I alter like the moon between phases ofstuttering polysemy and plausible journalism.

CURRANI don’t know what you mean.


46

GABRIEL PLEASUREThat’s all right.

CURRANHave you spoken with old SenatorProspero? I can’t believe a man likethat would just retire. His “abdication”he calls it, as if he were royalty.

GABRIEL PLEASUREI suppose after four terms in the Senateone feels entitled. That Shimmer oafis looking at Tessara as if she were a ... a ...

CURRANYes?

GABRIEL PLEASUREA succulent morsel. A dainty dollop.

CURRANMister Candle is an excellent host, andthe estate is fabulous.

GABRIEL PLEASUREYou must get Ruth to show you aroundthe upper rooms. The third floor ballroom.Not to mention the hair-filled ogive.And the Rat Tower. Later on we must explore the deep, interior regions of the woods. A good deal of it remora’dto be first growth, though I don’t buythat.

CURRANMister Pleasure, what did you just


47

say?

GABRIEL PLEASUREI said, I don’t buy that. What,am I talking too loud?

CURRANNo, no. What you said before that.I thought you said “remora-ed” tobe first growth.

GABRIEL PLEASUREWhat’s a “remora-ed”?

CURRANWell, exactly.

GABRIEL PLEASURE—?

CURRANActually, a remora is a typeof parasitical fish, isn’t it?

GABRIEL PLEASUREMy good word! [For he sees something.

CURRANWhat? What’s wrong? Am I talkingtoo loud?* Sometimes I talk too loud ...

GABRIEL PLEASURENo, no. Look. It’s him. Look, he’sgotten up out of his wheelchair.

Pause.Would you get a load of that look on his face?


48

CURRANThere is something terrible in the sight of a great person in decline.

GABRIEL PLEASUREI wouldn’t know. Let’s get anotherdrink, and go for a walk. I’d loveto hear more about your work, Oh,there’s Shimmer. I’ll just go andfetch us two more glasses of wine.

As he goes off, THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCK shuffles up.

THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCKCan’t we have a conversation,Susannah?

But she can’t hear him.I guess it’s because I’m dead.That’s it, isn’t it?

_____

CANDLEShimmer, be a good boy, and make sureeveryone gets a little tight. I’m verydelighted with the company, and hope tomake quite a splash with our littleshow at midnight, in the third floorballroom, bigosh.

SHIMMERBeg your pardon, sir? There’s no questionof that. They’ve been drinking likebloody fishes, sir.


49

CURRAN joining them:What show was that, Mister Candle?

CANDLEThe video display I’ve prepared— with the aidof the folks over in Marketing and Non-Invasive Lowball Sites. A short industrialentitled “New Delaware’s Upper Peninsula andthe Development of Post-Lurid Nonself Hedges.”Tessara appears in a brief cameo, as thePrincess of Leeks and Scallions. Directed byNigel Duff-Whippet. He’s the one responsiblefor that turkey at the Rep last year.Ramses Inflated, a perfectly dreadful show.Fart jokes in fat suits, ugh.

CANDLE PROSPER also joining:Morally, I thought it unimpeachable.Only, why can’t the theatre leave us lawyersalone, and be done with it?

CANDLEA successful lawsuit is one worn by apoliceman.

GABRIEL PLEASURE arrives on the skid:Robert Frost. I rather prefer:

Why does a hearse horse snickerHauling a lawyer away?

CANDLEI thought you were with Sycorica andpoor old Foss.

GABRIEL PLEASUREHe appears to have gotten up andrusticated himself somewhere else,


50

perhaps even to the deep, interiorregions of the adjoining forest.

CANDLEI’ll send Tess after.

CANDLE PROSPERSaid the most remarkable things as Iwas talking to your Aunt, or cousinSycorica. Strange, witchified name.“It’s all hollow, “ he said, “Hollow”in his strange, quavering voice.

CANDLE—

CURRANHold this.

Gives glass to SHIMMER. She goes.

GABRIEL PLEASUREHollow with respect to what?

CANDLE PROSPERWho knows? Who cares?

CANDLEDear Ruth, ah, darling, would youcome here? Ruth?

Sees he must go to her to get her attentions. Goes.

SHIMMERLook what I found under the boxwood.

Holds up a dirty, oldtool. It is the corn knifealluded to by CURRAN in the


51

first scene.

GABRIEL PLEASURELooks like a prehistoric paleolith. Havea look.

But CANDLE PROSPER snatchesit away.

CANDLE PROSPERHave a look indeed.

The Senator looks at itcarefully.

Just as I thought. A corn knife.

SHIMMER and GABRIEL PLEASUREWhat?

CANDLE PROSPERYou, boy, your name is Shimmer?

SHIMMERYes, sir.

CANDLE PROSPERWell, what kind of a name is “Shimmer” anyway?

SHIMMERFrom the Manganese Island. North of thebay.

CANDLE PROSPERWell, look. You take this back to the boxwoodand dispose of it. Filthy thing. And nota word of this to anyone. Especially notmy cousin, Mister Candle. Do you hear?

GABRIEL PLEASUREI’ve heard nothing—! Off I go, to dance


52

with the princess.He goes trippingly.

CANDLE PROSPERAnd stop looking at my niece that way.

SHIMMERIt’s only that ... she’s so very, verybeautiful.

Embarrassed, SHIMMER moves offwith the corn knife in asoiled hanky.

_____

Pause. The Senator alone. RUTHapproaches, but stops a few stepsbehind him, as if to watch himunobserved; a few steps behind heris SYCORICA who has likewisepositioned herself to observe bothhim and her. It is getting dark now.We hear night noises, and are onlynow aware of the seven Japaneselanterns that are all that illuminatethe fading party. Bats, crickets.

Somehow CANDLE PROSPER feels eyes upon him, and begins quietly andslowly to talk.

CANDLE PROSPERYes, yes, yes. Soon it will be dark. But withouta secure power base one can do nothing. I always wanted a true conversation with the American people.But things have changed. What with the rough new


53

crowd in Washington. I grew up with certain ideasabout ... well ... civility, and how far one is ...or ought to be prepared to go. And now I’m tired ofit all. I’m just plain tired. Tired of having toexplain over and over again the difference ... thedifference between right and wrong, truth and lies.Bobby Kennedy was right: he told me, if you don’tspend full time stonewalling the Pentagon they’ll just roll over you. That’s a free paraphrase.I dunno. And yes, I know, I know. This all soundsso old and ... hopelessly liberal. So old hat.

Scratches his head.But the Defense Department’s the least of it now.Corporate this. Corporate that. Why can’t thevoters perceive that all this corporate hebephreniais just a cover for the big grab? So much money amassed,and amassed in a way that shall ... that shall bury thecommon man, whoever that may be, under a fecal tide-flow of dead, little dead-end dreams. Little, deaddreams. Nightmares, in fact. With cyber bats in theinternet belfry, ugh. Hebephrenia’s a big word, Iknow; means the foolish kind of crazy. Delusional.Politically cuckoo. All of us, flushed down into thecrapper of ... political enfeeblement and, and Holy Roller misrepresentation, sheer moral equivocation. Mendacity. Drastic mendacity. Drastic enfeeblement.

My record on the important topics speaksfor itself. I knew when Jimmy Carter’s bunchskewered McGovern that all was lost. Only Mason-Dixon border-state borderline liberalism after that.Saddled with do-gooder rhetoric, but fundamentallyunmoored. No real agenda any more. We defanged ourselves, you see. But I’m told the young are tired of politics anyway, so what’s the use? As if you could make “politics” go away by turning off the tube. A little lying is just so damn tempting, so


54

you give in, and the cities fall apart, there’re riots, because something like three trillion dollarshas gone and been dumped into that filthy abattoir,in Viet-Nam. At least I was firm on that. No one ever accused me of waffling on that. Ditto for Watergate.So now our schools are shot, and everyone moves to Sunbelt states where no one gives a damn about education or medicare or the environment. Hell, I was for theBrady bill (or something just like it) before Bradyever got drilled; I told Bob Packwood to pack it all inmonths before the Ethics Committee requested his diaries.Still no one apparently can READ and the Republicans canreproduce faster than a speeding rabbit. SALT I andSALT II were my god-children, only, only no one caresabout proliferation anymore. SALT I and SALT II:who remembers that? But they should. I wouldn’t wantto live downwind of Hanford, Washington. Poor Packwood,the poor ... dope.

Hell, I was never in politics to be loved. Not to beloved, precisely; no. But, hell, it gets to you. Imean how for instance no one in the minority caucusesever bothers to say a simple “thank you”. And I’vealways supported minority rights; see, I’m wearingone of these little, anti-AIDS ribbons. No one forcedme. No, no one forced me.

Hell, a man of principle doesn’t do the right thingbecause he expects to be loved, and I’d have goneafter that kook Alphonse D’Amato at every juncture,but, I don’t know, I don’t know.

I know some things about George Bush that would make you truly wonder what it takes. Yes, there is, I am coming to believe, a fundamental disconnect betweenthe means of power and the exercise of power. Real,political power and I am ... certain ...


55

... that, well, things will turn around, and anywayI never gave those really fabulous speeches, speeches like the kind Cuomo .... And he has ... in a senseabdicated also; I mean, he was defeated and I’ve resigned.Cuomo bumps. And Senator Bill Bradley. But, hey, he wasa celeb before his ingestion into the culture of politics.Still: Bradley bumps. Paul Simon bumps. And nowSenator Candle Prosper bumps, bumps, bumps.

Do you suppose they’ll miss me when I’m gone? Don’tget me wrong, one of my kids is working with RalphNader; I mean, I stood for something ... in my time ...

Nader, that ass.

You know what so mattered, and what hasso totally eluded everyone on whatused to be called “the left”, is not fightingthe good fight, but fighting the good fight on a ground of our own choosing. Because I

I don’t

I don’t want only to fight the good fightI want to win. But But

It is them, the other side, who nowdetermine the agenda: crime (yawn),taxes, welfare reform and so on. Alldown the line. All non issues becausethey all amount to grotesque versions of real, desperately real issues.Issues that have been redescribed by those who wish to do nothing whatsoeverabout their true causes: poverty,a criminal redistribution of wealth


56

vertically, up the social hierarchy,more poverty and bad schools. That’s it.That’s it. That’s all there is to it.

So I’ve had enough.

And so I’m abdicating. People wantterm limits, let’em have term limits.I’m with Bill Bradley and Paul Simon.Maybe if people get a real taste of whatthe right wing has in store for them.

A gesture of futility.Want to hear something funny?

Whips out a bit of newsprint.These are Bill Clinton’s remarks inMinnesota just before the election, thelargest crowd of his whole campaign,20,000 strong. His opening remarksas transcribed by the Federal News Service:“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.Thank you. Thank you! Thank youvery much. Thank you. Hello, Minnesota!Thank you very much. Thank you. ThankYou. Thank you so much. Wow. Thankyou.

“Thank you....”

Kinda says it all, doesn’t it?He bows a courtly bow.

Thank you.

AUNT SYCORICA yellingTo live in mankind is far more thanto live in a name.


57

Both turn suddenly to face her.

RUTHSycorica, I almost leaped out of my skin.

SYCORICA smiles.

_____

AUNT SYCORICASenator Prosper. In the Christian year 1605Estergom was taken by the Grand Vizier, LalaMehmet Pasha, and in November of that yearhe crowned his vassal the Hungarian Bocskayas King of Hungary. After his return to thecapital it was decided that he should remainthe next year in the capital and lead the waron two fronts. The young Sultan, however,changed his mind, in keeping with the wishesof the Kapudan Pasha Derwish who was intriguingagainst Lala Mehmet. Accordingly, the latterwas ordered to take command of the army againstPersia. He had already put up his tents inUshkudar, when overcome by sorrow because ofthe frustration of his plans, he was seizedwith an apoplexy and died three days later(23rd of May 1606). He was buried near theturbe of Sokullu Pasha. His weak heart and lack of steadfastness betrayed him.

Pause.

CANDLE PROSPERAfraid I don’t follow what you’re drivingat?


58

AUNT SYCORICAI never repeat myself.

CANDLE PROSPERIt is all about the sheer insolence of bigmoney.

AUNT SYCORICALook at yourself.

Pause.

CANDLE PROSPERI said it is all about the insolence ofbig money.

AUNT SYCORICALook very hard at yourself.

CANDLE PROSPEROkay. It is all about the sheerinsolence of big money.

AUNT SYCORICAI said, I never repeat myself.

CANDLE PROSPERThis is what passes for conversation then?

AUNT SYCORICAKind sir, look around you and quail.Feel fear. Tremble.

CANDLE PROSPER—?

AUNT SYCORICAIn my country, in my own lifetime, people


59

pretended to be MAD ... insane, mind you,just in order to escape responsibility.

He bows low.

CANDLE PROSPERAlihu Ahkbar, you ...

Turning away rapidly.Kewpie.

She spits.

_____

GABRIEL PLEASUREHullo, Sycorax, hey, nonny-nonny no.I’m having a bad hair decade, hey,philo, philo, philo, phlum.Phililero, lero, lum.

She stalks back in thedirection of the house.

RUTH looks wildly around herself: Whathas happened to everyone?

RUTHWhere is Shimmer? Where is he?

Her husband emergesfrom the shadows,looking somewhat shaken.

CANDLEEveryone is acting so strangely, and Ican’t find Foss.

RUTHMiss Curran followed Tessara too.


60


61

GABRIEL PLEASURE looms upgrinning madly.

My word.

CANDLEWhat are you looking at, you grinningninny?

GABRIEL PLEASUREYour name.

CANDLE?

GABRIEL PLEASUREI mean your nose.

He sings:I want to be a static tube,static tube, static tube.

Off a bit CANDLE PROSPERhears and ambles over.

Oh, want to be a static tube,static tube,* static tube.

CANDLE PROSPEROh, I want to be a static tube,static tube, static tube.

GABRIEL PLEASUREStatic tube, static head,static field, static dead,static equilibrium, Oh,

BOTH MENI want to be a static head,static tube, static field.I want to be a static tube


62

of static no delivery.

GABRIEL PLEASUREOf static no delivery.

CANDLE PROSPEROf static no delivery.

GABRIEL PLEASUREOf static no delivery.

CANDLE PROSPERAt the static momentof static* equilibrium.

GABRIEL PLEASUREOf static equilibrium.

All enjoy the moment.

CANDLE PROSPERThat seagreen parrot fish cousin of yourshas pursued her paranoid epicycloidsback to the Rat Tower of the old manse;see, she’s on the widow’s walk gleaming.

CANDLERuth, make sure she doesn’tbreak something breakable.

RUTHI’m tired of being solely wifely.I want a drink. Shimmer.

He appears from thedarkness, gleaming.

SHIMMERMrs Candle, I have had the most


63

extraordinary experience, yes, itwas as I was flailing about inthe boxwood. A thought came to me,and this is that thought ...

RUTHShimmer, is there more champagne?

GABRIEL PLEASUREI praise the wild alfalfa.I praise the wigwag man.I praise all those who wildamid those wigwag cats. [Repeat X 3.

SHIMMERPeople are so happy. So happy.It’s nice to be so drunk on nothing in particular.

RUTHWhere, please, is the drink? I’ve quitesuddenly developed the thirst ofMahomet, but not for the Lord’s truthbut for a simple drink.* It’s true.

SHIMMERBut that’s what I think, you see.After my illumination I can seethat all problems are the same.All true problems are problemsposing as problems.

GABRIEL PLEASUREBony, bony, bony* fish.

CANDLE PROSPERBony, bony, bony* fish.


64

GABRIEL PLEASUREBony, bony, bony* fish.Bony labyrinth, oh ...

BOTH MENOh, bony boohoo bojum. [Repeat X 7.

SHIMMERNo, no, no, no, no. This is true.Truth is a little thing, like deathand fucking. Truth is bothterrible and local, terrible and local. Truth is the languageof a gaggle of untuned violins.

CANDLEI’ll pass on the book of wisdomfor now, Shimmer.

SHIMMERThere was a Being in the boxwoodand it said things in my ear.Low level language of the strange—you’ll notice I said “strange”not “unusual”.

He goes.

CANDLEPerhaps a prayer would be inorder. Have all our guestsrandomly dispersed?

But THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCK slowlyshambles up. As usual, no one sees him.

RUTHScattered according to Glitter’s Rule.


65

Shimmer, however, will bring abouta general reconcilatio.

THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCKPlease. Please help me. I’m so desperate.

CANDLEHim? Not that lad. He’s sufferingfrom a botched effort at an idea.

THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCKPlease. Please help me.

CANDLE PROSPEROur poor Sciatica has turned into anHalloween masque. Look at her up there.The flashlight emphasizes the fearfulsymmetry in her facial structure.

All look. Pause.

CANDLEDamn! I want to get on with the viewing.

RUTHAll I want is a silly little drink.

CANDLEYou know how you get.

RUTHRest assured I have no intentionof getting that way now, anyway ...

_____


66

CANDLE PROSPER and GABRIEL PLEASUREappear, on synchronized pogo sticks.SHIMMER follows. They are singing in unison:

Rubber, rubber,rubber tree.Rubber, rubber. [Repeat X 3.

They sing:Wiggery.Piggery.Triggery.

Liftable.Shiftable.Siftable.

Niftily.Shiftily.Thriftily. [Repeat X 7.

They sing:Bowery,dowery,flowery,glowery,lowery,showery,towery. [Repeat X 3.

Attar,batter,chatter,clatter,fatter,flatter,natter,patter,platter


67

shatter,spatter,splatter,yatter. [Repeat X 7.

_____

CANDLEThink I need a drink. Suddenlyall our guests begin to look suspiciouslyunusualist. Or mayhap I am mad,and have simply done a Brodie becauseof a fetish with the generalized other,I dunno.

RUTHWhy are they reciting all those meaninglessbehavitives?

CANDLEWhat on earth do you think I’m referring to?Seriously, do you think I am mad?.

RUTHNo, darling, merely jaundiced.

CANDLEAfter witnessing this I believe I shallswoon. Oh, Shimmer, can we perhapsassemble our scattered guests? Yes,alert them to the viewing of the film.Third floor ballroom. In twenty minutes.

But SHIMMER looks dazed.Retreats past THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCKinto the forest.

My word. What is this?


68

He goes after. THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCKapproaches RUTH, who stands there,now all alone.

THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCKPlease, Mrs Candle, please help me. I doso much need someone to help me.

RUTHLet me propose a prayer to ... no,no Lord God of Hosts, no, perhaps ...The Adversary, Great Toothy, er,no ... no ... Black magic is mostcertainly out of the question, ah.

Pause. While she isthinking, we are treated to a lovelycameo of GABRIEL PLEASUREand CANDLE PROSPER,serenading (whoever).

BOTH MENOh we wander like the wind, or as a streamSinging the mazurkaMadrilene.

Oh, we wander like the wind, or as a streamSinging the sonataConsomme. [Repeat X 7.

RUTHOh, please, may the semi-divine Magooof ditherers, throwbacks and the, ah,socially untenable appear before mewith trowel, and run the rule over all;


69

Likewise I pray to the ghost of P. JohnstonCrapley, our founder and beacon. Please,Sir, lift this farce to a new dimensionand hallow the brass ring of our hopes;make a snowplow of our human shoes, andforgive us our unusualist lapses and all this ... old hat ... hullabaloo

_____

Suddenly up close, wesee and hear the redmasque of AUNT SYCORICA:

Long ago our people came here, toCentral Asia and Turkestan, froman even more remote place. From the“hoodoo”, or goblin region of the WesternNorth American Coast. There our peoplequarrelled, raged and swore, played cards,and committed outrages against visitorsat the train station, and at the race track.Our people cleaned airplane restrooms at night, and one among us went off to liveamongst the crows. This is true. Oneof them wiser than the rest, and oneof us.

Hullabaloo. Blackout.

End of scene.


70

Scene [carom ]: At a glade, deep in the interior region ofthe forest. TESSARA has followed and found the old mathemati-cian, FOSS. Now CURRAN arrives at the edge of the glade; forshe, likewise, has followed and found, both TESSARA and FOSS.She stands quietly apart, not wishing to disturb them. Nightnoises; a bright moon, waning. A shallow pond at the center ofthe glade. We hear a frog plop.

TESSARAOh, hi. I thought I’d follow him.

CURRANAnd I was curious where the two of youwere going.

TESSARAEscape.

Both laugh lightly.Then pause.

It’s hard to have a conversation ... I mean ...with people acting so, so ... random.

Gestures.

CURRANI know. Believe me, I know.

Pause.


71

TESSARAI mean, they’re all very sweet and like,Tessara’s so sweet, Tessara’s so pretty,Tessara’s so ...

Another futile gesture.CURRAN

I know. Believe me, I know.

TESSARA—

CURRAN—

TESSARAWhat’s, what’s it really like, I mean, downtown,at the firm. like, working with Dad?

CURRANOh, it’s not so ... ah.... Er, do you knowwhat the Upper Michigan Indifference Curveis?

TESSARANo.

CURRANWell, how do I explain? Well, it’s like the,the old open the kimono, you know? Thestory of Tecumseh’s red stick and the rat-tailed hawk. And of course the, the toolsof the, ah, Lesser Magoo?

TESSARAIt sounds fun.


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CURRANOverpressures, you know. And some buriedtransuranics, hopefully in subcritical states.All hypothetical, of course. It’s like wehumans can withstand something like levelsof 30 psi. Drop the other shoe syndrome.But anything over 5 psi can cause bursteardrums and hemorrhaging.

TESSARAWow. I didn’t know that. That’s really neat.

CURRANPacers and speeders do best. But thenI suppose that’s obvious.

Slightly awkward pause.

TESSARAHe said the most amazing thingsto me, you know.

CURRANWho did?

TESSARAMister Foss. Can’t you see him, there?

Yes, indeed. FOSSis standing off inthe brush. We canonly make out hislegs. The rest ishidden.

CURRANWhy doesn’t he come out?


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TESSARAI don’t know. You can ask himif you like.

Looks. Pause.

CURRANI think I’ll pass.

TESSARADo you like my parents? They like you.

CURRANI think I do. Yes, I do. It’s just thatright now I’m not so sure of a lot ofthings. And ... and I guess it shows.

TESSARAYou seem quite serene to me. What’syour first name?

Pause. CURRAN lights a cigarette.

CURRANWhy, er. Why, it’s Lydia.

CURRANI thought I heard people calling youSusannah?

CURRANThat too, Susannah Lydia. Yes. That’s it.

TESSARAWhy did you follow us out here? Is theresomething you wanted to talk about?


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CURRANNo. No. I don’t really know.

TESSARAGuess I’m asking all the wrong* questions.

CURRANNo. No. No. It’s me. It’s me. I’m in afunny state. I don’t do well at parties.And ...

TESSARAI suppose the others will hunt us downbefore long. They always do.

CURRANPeople who make a ruckus can’t standit if people don’t want any part.

TESSARAYou can say that again.

Pause.Do you think it’s possible to see someonewho is dead? I do; I mean,* I’ve done it.

CURRANWith your heart maybe. I mean—

CURRANI meant emotionally. Loss is a thing thatcan be capped.

TESSARANo. No. No. I wasn’t trying to makea creepy and sentimental metaphor.


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CURRANI didn’t mean to ...

TESSARAIt’s quite real: there is a person whois very dead. And that person comes aroundand tries to talk to me. As if we had, like,anything in common. I mean, like, howcan you relate to a dead person?

CURRANGo figure.

TESSARAI don’t want to die.

CURRANI don’t think you have anything to worryabout for quite some time.

TESSARADeath is always looking down at us, Deathsees far but is deaf, Death is a blackcamel that kneels once at every man’s door.

Pause. CURRAN is a bit puzzledby this dark turn of theconversation.

When you lose a sock in the washingmachine? It’s matter becoming spirit.

CURRANYou’ve got a funny sense of humorTessara.

TESSARATaratantara. Taratantara. Taratantara.

Both pause. Both

look at the moon.

GABRIEL PLEASURE dressedas a donkey a la Bottom,appears down left. Silentlyhe gestures and CANDLE PROSPERjoins him in the nettles. Theystand observing the youngwomen. Pause.

Why do you think people don’t likeeach other and like, act so cruel andlike, totally random?

CURRANBecause we don’t know any better Iguess. I don’t know. Why do you ask?

TESSARAI don’t like to be unsure of myself.

CURRANWho does? Jeez.

Pause.

TESSARAOnce you know I came out here, wellnot here exactly, it was over the riseof the hill there where Route Six dividesthe forest just south of the diner, theMoonhat Diner, they’ve got the bestjukebox in there, my absolute fave,and, like one day I caught my folksdancing around in the woods here, onlythey had brought some furniture allthe way from the house, and they werelike, wearing each other’s clothes


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and yelling things in a fierce, fiercelanguage, a language I couldn’t, youknow, follow because it sounded bothbarbaric, and contrived? Fake.

And like, there were these bottles of whatlooked like blood, do you suppose it wasblood? It sure looked like blood, andthey didn’t see me even though I wasjust standing there going, duh, heyparents, it’s me, your daughter TessaraCandle and there’s a call for Dad frompeople downtown at the office sayingthere’s been an accident and there’ssomething wrong with the metacarpalprepunch, that it’s gone slack-baked,and the dog has ripped the mailman’spant-leg again not to mention brokenthe screen door, poor Woofly, and I’msupposed to go to my bowling lessonand also am supposed to receive thisweek’s allowance and well it weirdsme out Mom just standing there with whatlooks like clots of black blood all over her and one boob sticking out fromDad’s L.L. Bean shirt and they’ve dugsomething up or buried something withshovels because the ground all aroundhas been disturbed and I’m afraid tothink about that because who knowswhat it might be? and I’m standingthere thinking, hey, am I, like invisible?Am I, I mean really, am I?

So I run back to the house, and pretendnot to notice anything strange. ButI know if I do this for too long I’ll


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end up an unusualist like Cindy Perkinsat school and what a rinky-dink she is.A true buttfleaser. No one* will talkto her and.... Nobody will treat herwith any respect. And I won’t eitherbecause she’s an unusualist and everyoneknows the fact. I hate her. I hateCindy Perkins so much I could splashher with kerosene and set her on fire.BURN UP AND DIE, YOU BITCH. Yousnivelling, little unusualist. Whatyou do in your dirty little mind is sonasty I don’t even want to think aboutit, so leave me alone and stop infectingme with these unusual thoughts. I wantto be like I am, a normal kid with anormal-type home life, a normal familyand a normal dog. No cats, only a dog.So I don’t have thoughts like, like of killingthis big animal— the Giant New DelawareSilver-Tipped Martin, for example—and killing this big, hairy animal withmy teeth, and dragging its body up intothe crabapple tree and eating part ofit, the part of it that isn’t stickyand rotten. I mean isn’t that gross?**I think that it is really gross. Stickyand rotten. Too gross for words. Border-line unusual, in fact, Me, borderline unusual.

CURRAN“Buttfleaser”? What’s that?

TESSARAYeah, as in “Sure, buttfleaser, just findus a car, woman”.

—


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CURRANNo, no, no, it isn’t. No, really.

_____

TESSARAI want to stay open and free.Like Missouri, the Show Me State.I don’t want to die.

Slowly the bushes partand we see THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCK,radiant because he foundhis beloved.

CURRANI think you have a very special gift,and it is a ...

She sees the displeasureon TESSARA’s face and stopsshort.

THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCKPlease, Tessara, please. Don’t hate mejust because I’m dead.

TESSARAI really don’t know why you insist onfollowing me everywhere I go. I reallyfind it quite revolting.

Poor CURRAN is stunned.

THE GHOST OF JOEGH BULLOCKPlease, Tessara. Please help me.


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TESSARAOh, for the love of Christ.

CURRANI know, I know. I just wanted ...I dunno ... I just* wanted to tell youhow much I admire the special quality.

TESSARANo, no, no. It isn’t you. No, no. It’sJoegh ... but there’s no sense in explainingthe situation. You’d never believe.

CURRANI just wanted to say that I think you arevery special.

TESSARAEveryone treats me as if I had emergedfrom a one-way window, like some paranormalgrasshopper. Like I was standing at thebottom of a Julia set. And I don’t evenknow what a Julia set is.

FOSS begins to move about where he standshalf-hidden.CURRAN

Everyone has moments of some kind of specialradiance, and I think* you are entitled.

JOEGH BULLOCK’S GHOSTPlease, Tessara, please. Please helpme. I’ll go away if that’s what youwant, but please ... please ...

TESSARAOh, shut up you pathetic creep and for


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the love of Christ just stop following mearound. You’re truly sickening.

CURRANOkay, Tessara, if that’s what you want.

JOEGH BULLOCK’S GHOSTOkay, Tessara, if that’s what you want.

Poor CURRAN is trudging out.

TESSARAThis is maddening. Clairvoyance is a totalbummer.

Pause. JOEGH BULLOCK’S GHOSTis likewise trudging out.

You go. Miss Curran stay, please.

JOEGH BULLOCK’S GHOST turnshopefully. CURRAN stops, butdoesn’t dare to turn.

You go, go. Please.

JOEGH BULLOCK’S GHOSTturns back and goes.

Susannah, it’s an unworkable dichotomy.

CURRAN turns backand smiles:

Sorry, I’m odious and pathetic. Butthere’s something you’ve got. And I....Well, I suppose that something is somethingI want too.

CANDLE PROSPER and GABRIEL PLEASUREwhisper and retreat. They have decidedto go and collect the others. JOEGH BULLOCK’S GHOST has disappeared bytime, but FOSS now has fully emerged.


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There is a great radiance in hisface, but the WOMEN have notnoticed. His left foot is a silverhoof.

TESSARAI know.

Pause. She looks down.I’m.... I’m really you.

CURRANYeah. That’s it. Only youngerand much much prettier.

TESSARANo, no. Susannah, no. Don’tsay things like that.* It’s a terrible thing to do to yourself.

CURRANYes, it is true. Yes, it is. I guessI’ve just got a ... a morbid interestin you.

She becomes very cold and hard.She lights a cigarette.She puts it out, abject.

TESSARABut you’ve got ... experience.Experience has to be worth ... well.Experience has to count for something,doesn’t it? Ant and the grasshopper,you know? Listen to me.

FOSSHollow. It’s all hollow. Ever hear


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of the Bertrand Duopoly Model? You bothare in perfect duopoly mode. Here, inour moonglow ragtime. The model of theunusualist heresy suggests much thesame. Because the usual just getsstranger and stranger without the tocsinof the unusual. I am talking tocsin,not toxin. I am talking the tocsinwake-up alarum. Not the rat poisonvariety. All this I learned back thereup in the Rat Minaret, when in a formerlife I dwelled in these here parts,and worked as a humble shoe-salesman.Yessiree. The past is no prologue;it’s looped to a Cant-Wheel MississippiNonself. Consider that as you differwith your shoes, your selves and selflings.There are no such things as crows neither.

Clears his throat.The WOMEN are rapt.

Tessara, you are good girl. Piffle-headed,but still too good for this rat’s-ass sewerof a Moonhat. Moonhat, ha! Moonhat? Bad place, period. Go figure. Now, something higher wants you out of here so that thatthing you do may accomplish its own unusualellipsoid. So that’s it, I guess.

A golden circle of lightappears around TESSARA.

You are simply too good for these shit-eatingswine. That’s it. So long.

TESSARAHey! What is this?

CURRANTessara, honey,


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FOSSSay hello to whoever it is.

Slowly TESSARA ascends— yelling—and disappears in the night-sky.Pause.

Hollow. All of it hollow.GABRIEL PLEASURE rushes up,carrying his ass’s head. Hehas seen something in the sky.

GABRIEL PLEASUREFor the love of Christ what was that?

FOSSWhat?

GABRIEL PLEASUREThat. That. [Pointing to the sky.

FOSSJackass.

CURRANIt’s okay. It’s okay.

Pause.She’s gone back to the big house. Everything’sfine, Mister Pleasure.

GABRIEL PLEASUREBack to the big house?

CURRANYes, back to the big house.

GABRIEL PLEASUREOh ...


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He doesn’t know whetherto believe her or not. Butwhat can he do? He goesout. Pause.

FOSS and CURRAN exchangeglances. He shuffles offback into the woods.

She kneels by the littlepool, looking at the moon.

CURRANTaratantara. Taratantara. Taratantara.

A silvery pause. She findsan object in her pocket. Itis a whisk broom.

Taratantara. Taratantara. Taratantara.

Black out.

End of play.

End of CROWTET.


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THE LESSER MAGOO · 2010-10-14 · Bottom’s Dream Theater of Los Angeles, Jim Martin, Artistic...

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Transcript of THE LESSER MAGOO · 2010-10-14 · Bottom’s Dream Theater of Los Angeles, Jim Martin, Artistic...