the intentional · PDF file · 2016-10-06for Women, as well as a wide ... How is it...

Patti DeNucciEdited by Susan Priddy

More Powerful Strategies For Attracting Relationships, Referrals & Results In Business

the intentional networkerTM

collection

Pre-Release Copy from the Award-Winning Author of The Intentional Networker

www.IntentionalNetworker.com © 2015 Patti DeNucci / Rosewall Press / DeNucci & Co. LLC

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The Intentional Networker Collection

More Powerful Strategies For Attracting Relationships, Referrals & Results In Business

By Patti DeNucci Published by Rosewall Press (Austin, Texas)

© 2015 Patti DeNucci / Rosewall Press / DeNucci & Co. LLC All rights reserved. Editor: Susan Priddy (www.susanpriddy.com) Cover Design: Lynne Henderlong-Rhea (www.mombocreative.com) No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without the prior written permission of the Publisher. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to: Permissions Department, Rosewall Press; 5114 Balcones Woods Dr., 307-430; Austin, TX 78759. Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.


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DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to the late Jan B. King, the talented and always-encouraging writing coach and publishing strategist who skillfully and joyfully guided me throughout the process of writing and publishing The Intentional Networker: Attracting Powerful Relationships, Referrals & Results In Business.


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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Patti DeNucci is an award-winning author, speaker, TEDx presenter, workshop facilitator, panel moderator, and consultant who empowers motivated people to Live, Work and Connect at a Higher Level™. Known for her charisma and wisdom (served with a double shot of wit), Patti regularly speaks at conferences and corporate events designed for high-potential leaders, sales/project teams, executives, managers, and business owners. Her clients include Microsoft, Hewlett-Packard, Rodan+Fields, Phillips66, Dell, Carlisle/Per Se, and the Texas Conference for Women, as well as a wide range of universities and professional associations. Patti serves on the Chapter Leadership Council with the National Speakers Association, and she is Past President and a founding board member of the Austin chapter. She is also on the Advisory Board for Seton Cove’s Institute for Soul-Centered Leadership. Patti is the author of The Intentional Networker: Attracting Powerful Relationships, Referrals & Results In Business, a field guide with fresh ideas about how to network better (rather than more); attracting and building valuable connections with greater purpose, polish, presence, and productivity. In 2012, this book swept the non-fiction category in the IndieReader Discovery Awards and was selected from thousands of prestigious entries as a Finalist for ForeWord Reviews Book of the Year Award. Patti is currently working on her next book, which will feature the power of conversations and connections. When she’s not writing or speaking, she enjoys cycling, swimming, travel, reading, and spending time with her dogs and her friends. She also enjoys wine and homemade chocolate fudge (walnuts optional, but strongly preferred).


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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Chapters Page Numbers

About the Author…………………………………………………………………..4 Foreword by Mike Robertson……………………………………………….…7

Introduction………………………………………………………………………….8

1. Set your intentions, see the results…………………………………………11 2. Who should be in your network?...................................................12 3. When, where, and how should you network?................................15 4. Networking, referrals, and likability……………………………………….18 5. Connecting through conversation…………………………………………..19 6. So why do you network? Really?....................................................22 7. The essence of successful networking……………………………………..25 8. How to do a networking coffee (the right way)…………………………26 9. Does networking make you anxious?.............................................29 10. Networking and happiness…………………………………………………….32 11. Epiphanies and connections don’t just happen………………………..34 12. Networking tips from the plastic bins……………………………………..36 13. Exit the comfort zone…………………………………………………………….38 14. Social media wisdom…………………………………………………………….40 15. Rid yourself of toxic habits and energy zappers……………………….42 16. 90 seconds to whatever…………………………………………………………44 17. Networking lessons from an art show……………………………………..46 18. Essential ingredients for great relationships……………………………48 19. Coffee with a stranger: not weird at all……………………………………50 20. A new way to look at life’s most pressing problems………………….52

21. A little networking experiment……………………………………………….53 22. Let’s talk about it………………………………………………………………….55 23. Networking as an introvert, extrovert, or both…………………………56 24. Little by little matters……………………………………………………………58 25. Get ahead by getting real……………………………………………………….60


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26. Give your networking a strategic boost…………………………………….61 27. Throw away the script…………………………………………………………….63 28. How to get lucky……………………………………………………………………65 29. Shifting from so-so to sensational…………………………………………...67 30. The power of possibilities……………………………………………………….68 31. What do you want others to remember about you?........................70 32. 5 ways to get creative with your networking……………………………..72 33. Please don’t pretend to care……………………………………………………74 34. Smart ideas to build your network…………………………………………..76 35. 10 tips for reconnecting………………………………………………………….79 36. Where networking really happens—if you’re ready……………………81 37. 14 ways to network, converse, and connect……………………………….82 38. The best networking advice of all time……………………………………..85 39. 5 rules for a happy, amazing life………………………………………………86 40. Impact with every connection…………………………………………………88

Acknowledgements………………………………………………………………..90 Resources……………………………………………………………………………..91 What People Are Saying About Patti DeNucci……………………........92

Contact Information………………………………………………………………94

Want to learn more about how to Live, Work & Connect at a Higher Level™? Contact me at [email protected] to inquire about my most popular speaking topics, workshops, and consulting programs. I’d love the opportunity to explore a potential partnership with you and your organization!

Appreciatively, Patti DeNucci


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FOREWORD By Mike Robertson

As a professional speaker, I am very comfortable talking to a thousand people at a time. But in a reception room or a networking situation, I am more likely to be standing alone, waiting for someone to say hello to me. I originally told my colleague and friend Patti DeNucci that I was not a networker; I was more of an “ineptworker.”

After I read Patti’s first book, The Intentional Networker, I realized I had been thinking about networking in a fundamentally wrong way. Once I made the switch to believing I had something to offer other people, I was able to initiate and even enjoy conversations with fascinating folks I’d just met.

When I got the opportunity to preview Patti’s latest writing venture, I was delighted to discover a whole new set of tools to enhance my networking skills. The Intentional Networker Collection is a handy supplement that shares Patti’s expert advice on the networking challenges we face every day. Once again, she’s knocked it out of the park.

I’ve just returned from my annual speakers convention and, thanks to Patti and her books, I gave out every card I had and came home with an even thicker stack of cards. If Patti can bring a wallflower like me out of my shell, she can surely benefit you and your career. Now I’m a networker—intentionally!

I hope you’ll enjoy The Intentional Networker Collection as much as I did.

Mike Robertson Professional Speaker & Executive Communications Consultant www.IsThisMikeOn.com


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INTRODUCTION

Ever wonder why some people seem to have so many interesting and influential friends and contacts in so many places? Or how they’re able to start and engage in friendly conversations with ease, spontaneity, and authenticity—even in situations and places where they don’t know a soul?

How is it that these people are able to exude such confidence, build connections, and earn trust so readily? They seem to enjoy themselves, tap into incredible resources, and get their ideas and innovations developed and launched into the world faster. They are well-regarded and “connectable”—even influential—amid the masses clamoring for visibility and attention. They find the best jobs and attract incredible clients and opportunities, sometimes even honors and awards.

On top of all this—the frosting on the cake—these well-connected, highly respected people are happy. They’re enjoying life, “living the dream,” continually growing, and discovering new ideas and inspiration to fuel their ongoing endeavors. Good luck, success, and loyal popularity seem to follow these people wherever they go!

What’s up with this? What’s the special spark they generate that puts them in the right places and helps them connect to the right people so readily? Are they just lucky? Or what?

The short answer: it’s a choice and it takes work.

Success, happiness, and incredible connections and relationships don’t happen on their own. To rise above the crowd, you have to put in the effort and set your intentions higher.

This reminds me of a philosophy that has resonated with me throughout my life and career. It’s summarized in a single phrase that came to me almost miraculously one day when my graphic designer was begging me for a tag line she could use on my marketing materials.

That phrase is: Live, Work and Connect at a Higher Level™.


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How can that idea work for you? By making the effort to weave three foundational strategies together:

1. Knowing who you are. Honoring and appreciating it while playing to your strengths.

2. Knowing what you want. Leveraging the amazing (and now scientifically accepted) power of vision, intention, and goals.

3. Showing up and taking action accordingly. § Being bold enough to start conversations § Being interested, attentive, open, and even vulnerable enough

to make connections and bond with people § Being authentic, consistent, and dependable enough to earn

trust § Being diligent enough to follow up and stay in touch with

value

Teaching these strategies and tactics to motivated people like you through writing, speaking, and facilitating workshops is my passion.

If you’ve read my first book, The Intentional Networker: Attracting Powerful Relationships, Referrals & Results In Business, you know I cover these topics and more in depth.

Now, thanks to gentle yet persistent nudges from several colleagues and mentors, I have taken some of my most popular blog posts—material you won’t find in my first book—and created a collection of readings.

Inside this book you’ll discover:

§ Why networking is important, if not essential, to your career or business, as well as your overall happiness and well-being

§ How to reduce networking anxiety § How to make meeting new people and building your network a more

organic and enjoyable—yet purposeful and productive—experience § How to start conversations that are engaging and flow almost

effortlessly


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§ How to attract higher-quality referrals, introductions, and connections

§ Why setting your intentions can be so powerful (and how to do it) § How to add diversity, interest, and influence to your current

network—and your networking efforts § How to stay in touch with the people you meet in ways that

strengthen the relationships and build trust § How to set up networking coffee meetings that benefit both parties,

create respect and connection, and utilize time wisely § How to rid yourself of “toxic habits and energy zappers” § And much more

In addition, I’ve included some thought-provoking questions and exercises that go with each entry. This adds up to create a book that offers short but direct and powerful doses of advice on how to build your network with more purpose, polish, presence, and productivity. It’s quick to read and easy to use.

Consume the information in whatever manner works best for you. Take in one chapter per day. Read several sections at a time. Or randomly pop the book open and see what jumps out at you from the page. You might even consider using it as a discussion tool for book studies, mastermind groups, or team projects within your organization.

However you choose to read this book, I hope you feel as if we are sitting across a table from one another, having an inspiring exchange about how you can become more purposeful, polished, present, and productive in your relationship-building efforts. Most of all, I hope the knowledge you gain leaves you feeling inspired, refreshed, relieved, and changed in the best positive way!

Here’s to your success!

Shall we begin?


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Chapter 1

Set your intentions, see the results Several years ago, I took a road trip with three of my colleagues. We were headed to a conference in Dallas and spent four amazing hours together enjoying thought-provoking conversation. We not only shared what was new in our businesses, but we also expressed the type of experiences, connections, and breakthroughs we intended to have at the event. After all, we were investing several days and a sizable amount of cash to be there.

Something incredible happened for us on that drive and throughout the conference. It seemed we not only manifested what we had stated we wanted, but we received and experienced so much more!

As we talked on the drive home, we could barely believe the reports we shared. From my perspective, I repeatedly ran into, sat next to, or was introduced to people who had the exact information, experiences, and resources I needed to move to the next level in my business. Opportunities presented themselves that, to this day, continue to positively impact my work. Events seemed to unfold in perfect order. No matter where I was, it was precisely where I needed to be. So amazing!

My friends expressed similar stories of unbelievable coincidences and synchronicity. Powerful and eye-opening. We had experienced the “Power of Intention” that the late Dr. Wayne Dyer and many other leadership and self-development experts talk and write about. It was an eye-opener and a personal testimony to the power of knowing what you want and stating (or even simply documenting) it.

Today, one of the key practices I share with my readers, clients, classes, and audiences (and am committed to doing myself) is the simple act of intention-setting. Before I set foot out the door, whether it’s to attend a conference, speak at an event, enjoy lunch or coffee with a contact, or participate in a cycle ride or other athletic event, I always take the time to set my intentions.

If I have time, I get my journal and simply answer the prompt, “I intend to…” Or I say my intentions out loud (to myself or someone else) as I’m getting ready or driving to the event.


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In addition, I know it’s important to fortify my intentions with preparation (because, hey, you still have to show up and do the work that supports your intentions). I also find that, when I’m anxious, the balm of positive expectancy (created by my intentions) seems to help.

I then vow to do my best and surrender to the process. It rarely fails me. Is this a practice I suggest you use? Absolutely. Discover the amazing power of establishing and clarifying your intentions, but also express your dreams, vision, wishes, prayers, purpose, objectives, goals, and even your ideal attitude. I believe if you do this, you’ll not only be pleased, but also thoroughly blown away. I know I was—and continue to be.

Questions to ponder: How, where, and with whom could you be more open and vivid in expressing your intentions regarding what you want to experience, what you’re seeking, and who you want to meet?

Can you think of a time when imagining or stating your vision, intention, goals, and desires helped you manifest these things?

Try this! Before heading out to an event or when you’re simply beginning your workday, take a moment to think about (better yet, write down) what you want to experience, learn, attract, and accomplish. Make the list, and then put it away. Review the list after the event or day is finished, and see how it compares with what you experienced.

Chapter 2

Who should be in your network? That’s the million-dollar question. And that’s exactly why I’m sharing a list that might inspire you to add even more diversity, interest, excitement, dimension, real power, and (dare I say it) fun, energy, and enjoyment to your network.


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Several years ago, I also provided this list while facilitating an interactive workshop for a group of corporate leaders in a Fortune 50 company. Our discussion that day wasn’t just about networking. It was about building truly powerful, useful networks; webs of friends, peers, and contacts that not only enhance your career and expand your reach and power, but also put you in touch with information, resources, and best practices. Even better, these networks can improve your collaboration and add value to your business or organization.

So here’s The List.

§ Friends § Family § People who have a job like yours § People in your next job (or business) § People who’ve done what you want to do § People about to do what you’re about to do § People who want to do what you do now § Mentors § Mentees § Role models § Advisors who will give you specific, constructive, honest, objective

feedback § Champions who will help you take your next step, whether it’s big or

tiny § “Major Supporters” who are there for you, even when you fail or

mess up § People who share your current interests and hobbies § People who are doing things you hope to try someday soon § Energizers and inspirers § Fun people § Serious people § Resilient people § Fellow adventurers § Connectors § Listeners § Mavens § Leaders § Seekers § Experts


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§ Emerging leaders § Emerging leaders who don’t even know they’re emerging leaders yet § Peers § Your competitors (shift your thinking to “co-opetition” here) § People older than you § People younger than you § People from other countries and cultures § People with other beliefs § People who read and love to learn § People who know things you don’t know § Functional experts § Operational experts § Strategic minds § Tactical minds § Creative minds § Practical minds § Gatekeepers § Influencers § Opinion leaders § Thought leaders § Calm people § Energizer Bunny people § Industry leaders § Thinkers § Feelers § Creatives § People like you § People not like you

People you should avoid at all costs:

§ Drainers § Users § Negative Nellies and Naysayers § Chronic Brain Pickers § Paralyzed Pollies § Psychic Vampires of the Apocalypse § Anyone who sucks the life, the brilliance, the love, and the fire out of

you


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Questions to ponder:

What do you want to experience, learn, and attract?

What are you trying to do, create, share, solve, or make happen in the world?

Which people could help you achieve these goals?

Where could you meet them?

How will you recognize them?

Try this! Take a closer look at this list, and then review your network. Consider how, where, and through what methods and means you could improve your network’s dimension and quality.

Set your intentions about the diversity of your network. Then watch for, reach out to, and build connections with people for the express purpose of making this diversity happen.

Chapter 3

When, where, and how should you network? That’s a question I get asked a lot, particularly by people who are making changes in their careers and businesses, have just graduated from school, have moved to new communities, or are new to the whole notion of networking. If you want a traditional answer on which networking events you should consider attending, read Chapter 7 in my book, The Intentional Networker. It offers some specific and valuable insights on creating your networking strategy and standing out in the crowd, no matter what your situation.


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In the meantime, I’m offering some additional answers to the when-where-and-how-to-network question. Get ready for a blinding flash of the obvious! Whenever you are out and about, wherever you go where you might encounter people, it’s a networking opportunity. Put another way: networking happens everywhere.

Professional association luncheons? Chamber of commerce meetings? Annual conferences? Meet-ups, tweet-ups, mixers, and happy hours? Yes, these are networking events, and you should absolutely consider attending a few. But don’t forget the places you go every day: the dog park, the gym, the grocery store, or your neighborhood coffee shop, burger joint, or pub.

Don’t go to these places and suddenly clam up, which many people tend to do. Adopt a new approach: if you see someone who looks interesting or friendly, throw caution to the wind and start a conversation by simply offering a friendly greeting. Offer a sincere compliment. Then maybe ask a simple, conversation-starting question. If you feel comfortable enough, introduce yourself: “Hi, my name is ________.”

In listening to a lecture by Dan Heath, co-author of Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work, I learned a useful and simple concept that can be applied easily to networking (and networks). Here it is: widen your options. In other words, widen the scope of where you could potentially meet people and connect, for business or for personal reasons.

Then take a cue from the Boy (& Girl) Scout motto: be prepared. Set your intentions. Become aware of what your socializing style and preferences are. Know what value you could bring to others, even if it’s just to brighten their day. Know what kinds of people you’d like to attract into your world and what kind of outcome you desire. This homework is the foundation of being a more Intentional Networker, as opposed to purely going after the Congeniality Award.

Below are my basic guidelines about socializing and networking. I prepare for an event by reviewing this list before I step out the door.

§ I want to meet, be introduced to, and get to know interesting, intelligent, fun, positive people who are doing cool things that they’re passionate about.


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§ I prefer quality versus quantity in my connections. Better conversations and connections outweigh lots of conversations and connections.

§ I like learning about people, who they are, what they’re doing, what they’re passionate about, what they want to achieve, where they’ve been, and where they want to go.

§ I like being generous, offering up what I know and what I’m doing in a way that intrigues and brings value to others.

§ I’m more interested in building long-term relationships than in making a quick sale. Paradoxically (I love this part) I know this strategy often brings me some very valuable opportunities in the long run.

It’s pretty simple, and it works for me.

That’s the point. Networking can be simple, can happen anywhere, and should work for you. You just have to be open-minded, set some intentions, and get going.


What are your intentions and guidelines for socializing and networking?

How or where could you utilize at least one idea I’ve shared here?

Where are some everyday places that you could meet at least one new person each week?

Try this! List 5 to 10 people who have become good friends, business connections, or top clients who have added value to your life or career. Think about how, where, through whom, and under what circumstances you met them. Note any patterns, and strategize about how you could be more open to meeting people in these ways.


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Chapter 4

Networking, referrals, and likability If you’ve been on the networking circuit awhile, you’ve probably heard this adage a hundred times: “People do business with people they know and like.” I’m wondering how this statement ever made it past the first-draft stage. It’s certainly catchy and easy to remember. But there are some vital pieces missing. After all, is liking someone really enough to make me want to do business with (or refer) that person?

I don’t know about you, but I know and like a lot of people. Hundreds, maybe thousands of them. I could do business with or refer any of them. But the truth is, I probably won’t. I don’t have eternally deep pockets, and I just don’t need 10 or 12 of every service or product out there. I have to make choices. Additionally, I’m in the business of teaching others how to make and attract referrals, so mine have to be top-notch. I’m going to be very discerning about whom I bet my business and reputation on.

I admit that likability is important. I do enjoy doing business with people I like. And I refuse to do business with jerks. But in some cases, how much I like people isn’t as important as their talents, skills, work experience, effectiveness, reliability, and integrity. For example, would you rather like your attorney? Or trust that he or she has the experience to keep you out of legal trouble without taking you to the cleaners?

Ditto when it comes to making referrals. Would I really risk my reputation referring a colleague to another purely because of likability? No way. That could be disastrous!

Considering all this, here’s my attempt at rewriting the catchy networking statement I mentioned earlier. See what you think:

“People refer and do business with people they know, like, trust, and are sure will do a great job.”

Okay, so that may not be as brief and catchy as the original version, but it’s a start.


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Questions to ponder: When have you made a referral—one contact to another—and things went smashingly well? What worked here and why?

How could you ensure that those you refer to others are people you truly know, like, trust, and believe in?

How can you be certain they are a good fit and will do a great job?

Try this! Develop your own set of criteria, rules, steps, or quality-control guidelines to ensure that any time you make a referral, it’s a successful one that reflects well on you, creating goodwill and great results.

Chapter 5

Connecting through conversation I once had a delightful telephone conversation with a perfect stranger. Now, for some of you, especially you introverts, that may sound like a complete oxymoron. Okay, I admit it. If I were to list my Top 10 Favorite Things to Do, having a conversation with a stranger might not make the cut. But there was absolutely nothing uncomfortable about this visit. In fact, as I said, it was delightful.

Here’s why: for starters, the mutual friend who introduced us did so very thoughtfully and strategically, noting that both of us are connectors and consultants who are fascinated with leadership and personal/professional growth. Not only was it a safe bet to introduce us but, to my friend, it seemed rather necessary. (That’s what I love about great connections. Sometimes you just can’t NOT make them.)

The benefits my new acquaintance and I took away from the visit were multi-dimensional and well worth the hour we each invested. And who knows what future interactions and exchanges might bring?


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But I’m not here to gloat. My goal is to share what you can do to make visits and conversations with strangers more comfortable, meaningful, and rewarding. My new friend and I used some of the helpful techniques that follow:

1. Do your homework first, if possible. If you have advance notice of your meeting, be sure to visit the person’s website and LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter pages. You can also do an online search. The point is to know a little about them before you converse. This really helps you come up with good conversation-sparking questions and saves time. The person also will be flattered that you made the effort to learn something about them.

2. Ask about the obvious. My new contact happened to be overseas, which made calculating time zones a little tricky. It seemed natural for me to ask what had brought her to her current country of destination. That question led us into other topics easily.

3. Inquire about the person’s work or business. A simple “tell me about what you do” should suffice. You could also ask how the person got into that line of work. What is he trying to create, build, and change in the world? Who is she most interested in influencing, inspiring, and working with?

4. Find out what they most enjoy about their work, projects, and/or clients. If it’s clear the person loves his job, dig deeper into why.

5. Compare and contrast your work. How are you similar? How are you different?

6. Find out about the person’s role models or mentors. Who has influenced or shaped her as a person and as a professional? Who is he trying to influence?

7. Ask about the books she has read and enjoyed lately. I came away from the conversation with a list of several I can’t wait to buy and dive into.


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8. Are there any books you’ve both read? Compare notes on what you thought of them. We spent quite awhile on this topic and had some excellent aha moments. We found common ground and also noted where we differ. Not a bad thing.

9. Discuss what professional organizations you belong to or what conferences or events you’ve enjoyed. Here we found how our interests, goals, associations, and networks complement each other.

10. As the conversation winds down, ask how you can support the other person or what next steps might be appropriate. We found many ways to stay in touch and help each other.

11. If it feels right, exchange any further information or review any action items or promises you’ve made.

12. If you have a parting gift, resource, idea, or connection you want to offer, do so before you sign off.

13. Follow through on any commitments you made. I’m reminded of the words of business executive and author Tim Sanders: “Promises made, promises kept.”

Questions to ponder: How have some of your most interesting conversations with strangers come about?

What made the conversation flow? What questions did you ask of each other?

Did you use any of the techniques above? How did those work out?

Try this! Think of two people in your world who should know each other (and why). Make the connection in a thoughtful and intentional way. Wait and see what happens.


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Think of someone you’d like to meet and get to know better. In a gracious, unassuming way, see if you can schedule a 15- to 30-minute conversation or a coffee date. Try out some of the ideas above.

Let others in your network know who you’d be interested in meeting. Leverage the beauty of social networks such as LinkedIn, Twitter, and Facebook; ask your connections who they think you should know (and why). Go from there.

Chapter 6

So why do you network? Really? How people approach networking is as unique as the people who do it. They do it in different ways and for different reasons. Here are a few thoughts to consider as you make decisions about where, how, why, and with whom you network. You might network because you want or need to:

1. Get out of the office. Let’s face it. Even the best job and the most intriguing work can be drudgery at times. Sometimes you need to enjoy a refreshing break and a change of scenery, along with some good conversation and the enlightenment and inspiration that comes from hearing a good speaker. Sometimes serendipity will bless you, and you’ll meet your next most amazing contact or customer. Or at the very least, you can go back to the office invigorated with a fresh perspective and a few new business cards.

2. Meet new people. I am blessed with a lot of great friends, colleagues, and contacts (a.k.a. “my people”). But if I can add a few more intelligent, interesting people to the mix, I’m game. I’m not interested in growing a massive network, just a massively awesome one. The trick here is to find places, situations, and events where you will meet the kinds of people you truly want to meet.

3. Reconnect with people you already know. Like you, I’m really busy. So I like to go to events and places where I know I will run into my people, professionally or socially. (Why have a network of friends and peers if you can’t reap the benefits of knowing and spending


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time with them?) Last week I went out with friends to listen to some music and was pleasantly surprised to run into another good friend who apparently frequents the place several times a week. Now I have a reason to go there more often. It’s a place where I have a good chance of enjoying a nice evening and running into a great friend. Same goes for networking events. Certain ones draw a certain crowd. Which ones draw the crowd that you know, like, and enjoy?

4. Add to your knowledge bank and hear about best practices. No matter what business you’re in, it pays to invest in your professional development. In many instances, it’s the program and speaker that drive my decision as to whether or not to give up several hours of my day to attend an event. Leaders never stop learning.

5. Build relationships and stay current on news and trends in your industry. As my friend and fellow networking expert Thom Singer once said, “If I were a locksmith, I’d join the locksmiths’ association. If I were an architect, I’d join that association. It’s just a good idea to join the association for your industry.” I couldn’t agree more. Granted, your membership in your industry’s association may not be the magic bullet that creates networking success and instantly brings you the connections and results you want. But it’s a good idea to make that a part of your networking formula. Being with your peers in the spirit of learning, sharing and comparing experiences, and exercising support and goodwill can bring you many benefits, among them referrals.

6. Be more visible. This one can seem passive, but it is definitely legitimate. Case in point: many years ago I was focusing on just one or two clients, and I was also staying very busy with my duties as a mom. I was rarely out networking. One evening I decided to attend a birthday celebration for a former client. While there, I ran into many people I hadn’t seen in awhile. It was clear by their remarks that they thought I had retired or left town. I just wasn’t out there enough to be visible. Visibility is important. People won’t remember how fabulous you are if they never see you. (Just don’t get too caught up in being visible everywhere, because that sends a message all its own and not necessarily a good one: “…when does he find time to get his work done…?”)


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7. Find new prospects, customers, and clients. This is what you believe you may be doing when you network. But are you really? Here, it’s necessary to get really strategic and to separate your need for socializing and being “out and about” from your need to make a living. I once spoke with a client who had a eureka moment about her networking. Most of it was driven by purely social motives and professional development. Not bad reasons. But when she gained some clarity on the people she really needed to meet, she discovered that the networking required to bring in customers was very different from what she had been doing. In fact, she saw how most networking events didn’t work for her. She had to get more targeted, leverage her current customer base, and identify some trusted referral sources. Could she still attend events for reasons that fed her need to socialize? Of course. And in fact, with greater focus, she will likely increase her odds of finding customers there. The key: she woke up and got very intentional about what she wanted and whom she needed to meet and get to know.

Questions to ponder: What are your reasons for networking? How might these reasons create a requirement to broaden, deepen, or simply change up how you are currently networking?

What benefits do you hope to gain to offset the time, money, energy, and resources you invest here?

Try this! Look back over where, how, and with whom you’ve networked over the last few years. Think about how this has worked for you. Are you seeing benefits? Are there any gaps? Any wasted time? Consider whether you might benefit from tweaking the formula, even just a little.


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Chapter 7

The essence of successful networking

Sometimes the conversations you have (or hear) after a networking event are the best ones of the day. I was blessed to listen in on one after speaking at a business event for women in real estate. Everyone had left except two of the event organizers who were assisting me as I packed up my gear and books.

My speaking topic had been about how to be a more thoughtful and Intentional Networker, not just in prospecting for new clients and referrals, but also for gaining rapport with and respect from industry peers. I hoped my words had generated some ideas for positive change among those who had attended and would make a difference in their networking efforts and careers. My two “assistants” were still rehashing the topic, which pleased me greatly. I just listened.

Assistant 1: “So what do you think is the real secret to being a good networker? What’s the one thing?”

Assistant 2: “I think it really boils down to showing you care.”

I loved this! Showing you care. It could be showing you care about the work you do or about how you show up. About what’s being said and shared by the people you’re meeting. About what’s going on in a person’s world (and not just yammering on about what’s going on in yours). About how others feel in your presence. Being there for others, not just for yourself. Showing you care. Sometimes it’s as simple as that.

Questions to ponder: How could you do a better job of showing you care about others as you’re networking with people you’ve just met and with the people you already know?

What makes you feel like your friends and contacts care? Could you borrow these techniques and not only respond in kind, but also use them sincerely with others?


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Try this! Be mindful of your talking-to-listening ratio when conversing with others. Try to listen more, talk less.

List 10 ways you can be more present, generous, and caring as you network.

Try to find at least one way you can sincerely compliment or be more kind to the people you encounter during your day.

Chapter 8

How to do a networking coffee (the right way) Being invited to coffee in a business networking capacity can be valuable, tortuous, or anything in between. It all depends on how busy you are, who’s doing the inviting, their reasons for asking, and their behavior or style during said coffee appointment. As I contemplated that idea, I realized I had a coffee date on my calendar for the very next day.

Fortunately, it was with my friend Steve, who also happens to work in the networking and business-relationship space. I knew we were going to have a great exchange, which was why I agreed to his invitation in the first place.

I wasn’t disappointed. As I reflect back on our time together (just 45 minutes), it’s clear why we had an energizing, enjoyable, and productive meeting:

1. We selected a time of day that was mutually convenient. One o’clock in the afternoon on a Wednesday, to be exact. Just after lunch when many of us actually NEED a cup of coffee. My productive morning time was left unscathed. And I’d still have plenty of time left to get some work done in the late afternoon.

2. The location was just right—midway between our offices. Plus it was a coffee shop that had a great atmosphere, not to mention


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the most delicious coffee and mini cupcakes. Ever notice how some coffee shops are so noisy and crowded? The tables are shoved right up next to each other, people are talking loudly, or the coffee grinders are buzzing away like chainsaws in the background. No privacy or peace there. Other shops I’ve encountered are on the ratty side with a menagerie of questionable patrons. (Once while visiting a rather-seedy coffee establishment a few years ago, a gentleman interrupted my meeting with a colleague and insisted we view his knife collection. What were we going to say?) I try to be very mindful of where I have my meetings and appreciate a nice, pleasant coffee shop in a good location. (Easy and ample parking helps, too!)

3. We spent time mindfully talking business, but also sharing updates on ourselves and our families. I’ve known Steve for many years but, every time I see him, I learn something new and interesting about him. Things that are endearing and great to know. I like that about the networking, relationship-building process.

4. We both spent time talking as well as listening. If I’d sat there rambling on about me the entire time, poor Steve would have walked (or run) away. Probably forever. And vice versa. Besides, do you think he would ever invite me to coffee again? Doubtful.

5. We were generous in brainstorming on how we could help each other. Some might see us as competitors, but we’re actually in co-opetition with each other. Who is better qualified to understand me, what my work is about, and what I’m seeking, than someone who is an expert in the same field? And since we are clear on how we are the same as well as different, it works quite well for us. It’s like we’re on the same team, but playing different positions.

6. We stated and honored our schedule and time limits. Steve announced up front that he had to leave at a certain time, which was fine with me as I had a number of projects on my desk and calls to make. We both kept tabs on the time and promptly wrapped up our conversation as promised. Some may call that being OCD; I call it maintaining integrity and being efficient. (Tip: set the timer on your smart phone to help track time.)


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7. We will stay true to our promises. If we say we’ll do X, Y, or Z for each other, I believe we actually will. None of this empty-promises business. Again, it’s about integrity.

8. We both left the meeting energized and eager to get together again. Isn’t that what a relationship is all about? The continuation? The possibilities?

Questions to ponder: What can you do to improve the way you plan and conduct your coffee meetings? How can you ensure that the needs and convenience of everyone involved are considered?

Who are your favorite coffee dates and why? What can you learn from and emulate about them?

What are your favorite places to meet for coffee or one-on-ones? How can you be more creative and mindful in choosing settings that are conducive to good conversation?

Try this! As you go about initiating and attending future coffee meetings, make note of what/who leaves you smiling and what/who leaves you feeling like your time has been wasted.

If you’ve never set intentions about your one-on-one meetings, jot some down now. You might include statements such as:

§ “I intend to experience…” § “I intend to feel….” § “I intend to share…” § “I intend to learn…”

Create some goals as well, and remember that goal statements are more specific, measurable, and deadline-driven. As in, “I will schedule at least two coffee meetings per week. One with someone I already know; another with someone I’ve just met.”


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Chapter 9

Does networking make you anxious? A few days after presenting to a group of exceptional college students, I received very sweet thank-you notes from several of them. One student wrote:

“…I had no idea what it truly meant to network. I assumed it was having awkward conversations in hopes of getting a job.”

Have you ever felt this way? You could easily swap out the phrase “getting a job” and add in “finding new clients or prospects,” “meeting new and interesting people,” “making new friends,” or even “finding someone decent to date.”

Here’s the deal: if you feel consistently awkward or anxious about social situations, uncomfortable in your networking interactions, or exhausted or icky after leaving social events, coffee dates, lunches, or happy hours, it’s time to shift your thinking and try some new strategies and tactics.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

§ Learn about you. Are you an extrovert? Introvert? A little of both? What kinds of people do you really enjoy meeting, working with, and having as friends? What types of social situations are comfortable (or uncomfortable) for you? Some self-discovery time will help you see yourself with new eyes and weed out your strengths, weaknesses, and interests. You’ll start to see what and who exhausts you and what inspires and energizes you. If you aren’t living, working, and socializing in your sweet spot, everything’s going to feel awkward and strained. Life’s too short for that.

§ Become more particular. Time to get downright picky about how you spend your time and with whom you spend it. Saying a gracious “no, thank you” to what doesn’t work for you means you can say an enthusiastic “yes, please!” to what does. (One of my colleagues calls this the “Hell Yes! vs. Hell No!” approach. He claims choices here are generally one or the other; nothing in between.)


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§ Worth repeating: set intentions before every social interaction. Whether you’re headed out to meet someone for coffee or hopping a jet to attend a huge conference thousands of miles away, take a few minutes to write down (or at least declare in your mind) what you’d like to get out of that event. What do you want to learn, feel, and experience? Whom do you want to meet or see in action? How do you want to serve or impact others? This practice can be spooky-powerful because you’re telling God/The Universe/ Whatever You Believe In and your “personal radar” (a.k.a. your brain’s miraculous Reticular Activation System) to pay attention to what you actually want. After that, it’s up to you to show up, stay focused, and take intentional (sometimes even courageous) action.

§ Don’t worry if you’re not sure what your intentions are. Simply write or tell yourself you’re open to the experiences, possibilities, and connections that are right for you at this time. This approach can be powerful as well.

§ Experience the magic of curiosity and questions. Many experts agree that being interested (rather than interesting) is the key to being more memorable, likable, and successful in meeting and connecting with people. That said, start developing, collecting, and trying out questions that can help launch, hold, and expand good conversations. Steer clear of anything too personal or polarizing such as politics, religion, or controversial topics.

§ Try the prop (or ricochet) technique. A woman I met last year had spent some time working in London. She told me the Brits tend to open social conversations with a “prop.” Rather than address each other directly, they “ricochet” off something in the vicinity. For example, if you and Hugh Grant are going through a buffet line, Hugh will no doubt make a comment such as, “So, what’s your reaction to the state of this salad bar?” This in turn might make you laugh for a second (that always feels good), and perhaps you might offer a reply, either serious, in jest, or (if you dig Hugh Grant) a tad flirtatious. What a great way to break the ice! You don’t have to pry into the person’s personal affairs. You’re just asking what they think about the salad bar. Brilliant!


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§ Learn how to graciously exit conversations that have “expired” or are simply not working for you. Yes! It’s possible to break away from a conversation that is no longer interesting, is pointlessly dominating your networking time, or is simply feeling unpleasant. The key, however, is to be gracious. Never blow people off or make them feel like they’ve been ditched. You can say, after a few moments of chit chat, something like this: “Gosh, Grizelda, it’s been fun talking to you. But, listen, I’d better let you mingle and meet some other people. Take care!” Then exit smoothly and quickly. (Special caveat/hall pass: if you’ve been stuck listening to a self-absorbed windbag with dragon breath for an hour, no one would fault you if you simply said, “Please forgive me; I have to leave now” and walked away.)

§ Do whatever it takes to be your best self. One helpful hint: your best self is truly happy! Sometimes that means harnessing the power of simple things, such as a good night’s rest, being organized, good relationships, and the miracle of Tylenol. When you’re happier, others are happier, too.

Questions to ponder: What makes you feel uncomfortable in social situations? How could you utilize the ideas above to deal with those moments? What other ideas or techniques could you experiment with that might make you feel more confident and at ease while interacting with others?

Try this! Set some specific intentions before your next few social gatherings or networking events. Jot down your goals, and follow up by writing down the results. How does the process of being more deliberate impact your success?


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Chapter 10

Networking and happiness Can being a more Intentional Networker make you more successful? I’m certain of it. Being even just a little more purposeful, positive, and present as you meet and interact with people can help you stand out in the crowd and attract more rewarding connections, both personally and professionally.

But here’s something even more appealing: being a more Intentional Networker can also make you happier. Think I’m making this up? Read on.

In developing a workshop designed to improve the connections and collaboration among leaders within corporations, I had no problem digging up interesting research on the value of making and maintaining good relationships. Studies prove that other people are vital to our emotional, intellectual, and physical well-being. And this is true whether they are our everyday friends and confidantes, our business contacts, or merely the people with whom we have “a nodding acquaintance.”

For example, the National Bureau of Economic Research conducted a study polling 5,000 people and discovered that:

§ The number of friends you have positively correlates with your well-being (beyond income, demographics, and personality).

§ Doubling your number of friends has a similar effect on your well-being as doubling your income.

§ Friends are especially important if you are single, divorced, separated, or widowed.

Then there’s a study by Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D., Kenan Distinguished Professor of Psychology and principal investigator for the Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology Lab at the University of North Carolina. Her study states: “Micro-moments of shared positive emotion, including even the briefest of conversations, can create oxytocin in the body, leaving us feeling a range of healthy, positive emotions.”

Don’t know what oxytocin is? Let me just say this: it’s one of the most potent feel-good chemicals your body makes. You want this trickling through your veins! So, in addition to kissing and hugging your loved ones


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and petting your cat or dog, be sure to thank the barista who makes your coffee, greet and smile at the people you pass in the hallway, and offer a sincere compliment to the person who handles your deposit at the bank or waits on you in the cafe. You will all feel better for it.

But wait! There’s more: others beyond the interaction will feel better, too!

What? How is this possible?

It’s because the positive feelings you generate by being friendly to one person extend beyond the actual interaction. According to a study published in the British Medical Journal authored by Nicholas Christakis, Ph.D., a physician and professor of medical sociology at Harvard Medical School, the good feelings generated by your friendly interactions create a happiness ripple. It gets better: that ripple travels as far as three connections away.

Isn’t that amazing? But it makes sense, right?

These tidbits are another reason why I keep Gretchen Rubin’s inspiring yet very practical book, The Happiness Project, handy. If you haven’t read it and happiness is important to you, get yourself a copy. (Gretchen, by the way, isn’t an airy-fairy woo-woo happiness guru. She happens to be a Yale-educated scholar, lawyer, and biographer who wrote Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill, Forty Ways to Look at JFK, and other fascinating books.)

Rubin notes, “One conclusion is blatantly clear from my happiness research: everyone from contemporary scientists to ancient philosophers agrees that having strong social bonds is probably the most meaningful contributor to happiness.”

Questions to ponder: Are there people (or creatures) in your life who truly make you happy? How can you be more present and appreciative of the joy they bring you?

What can you do to increase, be aware of, and appreciate the number of “micro-moments of shared positive emotion” you enjoy each day?


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Try this! Pay close attention to the ways positive encounters “ripple” on to other interactions you have during the day.

Set some intentions and goals that will help you create more joy in your life through positive interactions, even the very brief ones.

Chapter 11

Epiphanies and connections don’t just happen “If you want someone to have an epiphany, you need to start a gracious conversation first.”

I’ve paraphrased a little here, but those are words to consider if you want to connect, influence, or persuade others, whether it’s with your writing, speaking, and marketing messages or simply during your everyday encounters. This is according to author, poet, songwriter, speaker, and marketing/PR genius Dennis Welch.

Welch is author of the book, So What Are You Saying? Here are some of his timely tidbits about communication, conversation, and connection.

The right words matter more than ever. We are assaulted with hundreds of messages and distractions every day, every hour, every minute. We are interrupted every 11 minutes with emails, pop-up messages, text messages, ads, billboards, and more. Plus, we add at least two of our own self-inflicted interruptions to the mix during those 11 minutes. That statistic is getting larger and more intense by the day. If you want to get anyone’s attention, you have to find a way to stand out and be clear, unique, and memorable.

The rarity of epiphanies. If you want people to have any sort of aha moment with you—something that really impacts and stays with them—it will require time, trust, and the right information. “Right” equals pertinent, relevant, and timely. Or interesting, intriguing, and memorable.


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The power of grace and thoughtfulness. You can win people’s business, capture their hearts, get them to pay attention, and even change their minds if you care about them enough to be gracious and provide them with the information that pertains to and is valuable to them.

Three keys to finding the right words and messages: if you use the right words, anything is possible. To determine what’s “right,” ask these questions:

1. What’s THE message…the ONE most relevant point? 2. Who’s the audience? 3. Why should they care? What makes it relevant?

Proximity alone is not enough. You won’t get to know people simply by hanging out with them. Ask thoughtful questions to foster engagement, learn about them, and build rapport.

It’s about quality, not quantity. Sending out 500 resumes (or 3,000 mass emails) to a list will not get you results. It will make you feel busy and create the illusion that you’ve accomplished a lot. Here’s a better idea: one customized, timely, well-crafted, impactful message may take hours to pen, but it has a far better chance of getting through the clutter and creating results.

Focus on them. You won’t make a lasting impression or impact on anyone if you are only concerned about you and what you want. Think of the other person’s needs first.

Apply these lessons to your emails, your branding and messaging, your marketing efforts, your networking, and your everyday conversations and relationships. See if they don’t help you earn the relationships and the results you desire.

Questions to ponder: Which of the points above speaks to you most powerfully? Why?

What conversational questions could you use in the next 30 days to help you get to know people better?


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Try this! Make the decision to be more mindful of the words and messages you choose when writing, posting on social media, talking to others, or even talking to yourself. Consider whether it’s true? Kind? Necessary? Of value? Also consider this piece of Buddhist wisdom: “Will what you have to say be an improvement over the silence?”

Chapter 12

Networking tips from the plastic bins See if this scenario sounds familiar: you go to an event, conference, lecture, or workshop. You listen attentively to an outstanding (or reasonably interesting) presenter or panel. You take notes; the inspiring sound bites and priceless tidbits of information you want to remember; the wisdom and data that seem vitally important at the time; the action items you’re sure you need to implement to be successful or more inspired and efficient. You then return home or to your office, notes in hand. You stash the notes in a pile or a file. You forget about them. The dust gathers.

Then what?

If you’re like me, your notes eventually end up filed away in neat little 12” x 10” x 15” bins purchased at the office-supply store. You know these bins. The people who know me know these bins. They are sometimes the first thing people see when they enter my office. The presence of these bins alternately comforts me (hey, I still have those notes!) and haunts me (oh geez, I still have those notes…).

No more!

I’ve decided to dig into the bins and the notes and begin a massive information mining and curation project. I’m reading through them, and culling out the useful nuggets; the stuff that’s pertinent and useful to me—and maybe even to you as well. Letting the rest go. If the term Notebook Archaeologist isn’t currently recognized as a legitimate title, I’m changing that here and now.


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Here’s one example from the plastic bins that’s definitely worth sharing. I once heard an interesting concept at a lecture by leadership expert John C. Maxwell. He called it the Power of Five. Maxwell analyzed the Five Things he had to do every day to fulfill his dream to be a successful and impactful author, speaker, pastor, and leadership expert.

His Five Things were:

1. Read 2. Think 3. File 4. Ask Questions 5. Write

He does these things faithfully every day. Even Sundays and holidays. Okay, so several years later, I’m still trying to pare down what my Five Things are, but that’s not the point.

I do know there are (at least) Five Things you can do each day—at the very least each week if you are extremely busy—that will lead you toward becoming a more Intentional Networker, attracting and building more powerful and rewarding conversations, connections, and relationships. I highly recommend giving these a try:

1. Courageously engage. Say hello. Strike up a conversation with someone you don’t know (or don’t know very well).

2. Reach out. Contact an old friend, colleague, co-worker, or customer just to see how they are.

3. Stay true to your word. Follow up or make good on a promise you made in passing conversation (a lunch or coffee date, a connection, a piece of needed information, your feedback on a draft or presentation, etc.).

4. Post something of value. It can be informative, interesting, funny, or timely. Again, think value, not vanity.

5. Clear and cull. Weed out your database, address book, contact list, Rolodex, or business-card file. Some contacts never made it past the handshake, quick conversation, and business-card-exchange phases. Some people are toxic or simply energy drainers. Let ‘em go.

The last one often surprises people, but try it. There are always people in your life/career/sphere who haven’t really earned your trust or aren’t really


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“your people.” And according to evolutionary anthropologist Robin Dunbar, we humans have a hard time keeping up real relationships with more than 150 people. Maybe you’re still building up to that, but nevertheless it doesn’t hurt to get clear on who is adding value to your world and who is taking up valuable space.

Questions to ponder: What are your Five Things—the activities you need to do every day to achieve your visions, intentions, and goals?

Try this! Do some digging, mining, and curating of your own. Go through your notes from conferences, events, and presentations you’ve attended, and identify those pearls of wisdom you can unleash and apply today.

Keep the momentum going by revisiting all those books and articles that you’ve read and highlighted. Sift back through to find the nuggets that speak to you now.

Chapter 13

Exit the comfort zone To all you introverts out there, I know you may find it easier to work on your projects in solitude and keep to yourselves; to all you hard-at-work workers who have your eyes glued to your phone screens, your butts glued to your chairs, and your To Do Lists top-of-mind at all times; to all you sofa-loungers who’d rather watch another episode of whatever-you’re-currently-watching or get lost in a magazine, book, the Internet, and social media; and to all of you who move only in a very predictable and rarely changing circle of family and friends, I have some urgent advice for you:

Step away from your routine and comfort zone, and muster up the courage to get out into the world and talk to people.


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I know. It sounds absolutely outrageous. Do it anyway. How? Here are some ideas:

§ Walk your dog and talk to other dog walkers or passers-by; dogs are great icebreakers

§ Strike up a quick, easy “good-morning-how-are-you” conversation in line at the coffee shop or grocery store

§ Ask others how their day is going § Go to the gym and commend someone for his or her hard work § Invite a neighbor over for tea or a meal § Say hello to your seatmate on the airplane § Write a note expressing gratitude to someone who’s done something

kind or generous for you—even if it’s late or out of the blue § Go to a social or networking event, and set a goal of meeting three

new people § Consciously choose to sit at a table with people you don’t already

know when you attend a networking function § Pick up the phone and call someone you’d like to meet (or someone

you know and haven’t talked to in awhile) § Join a class or club, and get to know some of the people in it

Whatever works for you. Just, for Pete’s sake, don’t expect anything in your world to ever change or get better if you stay stuck in the ruttiness of work, routine, and self-absorbed, same-old-same-old solitude.

Frame it this way: consider what wonderful possibilities and rewards you could discover, enjoy, and be grateful for if you shake things up a bit.

Questions to ponder: What’s your rut—and why are you stuck in it?

What keeps you from reaching out to people—those you know well or those you’ve just met—and saying hello or inviting them to coffee?

Try this! Set a goal to implement at least one of the ideas in the bulleted list above—or one you’ve come up with—each week.


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Keep a log of how taking that action felt and how it impacted your energy. What interesting things came from taking that leap of faith to reach out and connect with people?

Chapter 14

Social media wisdom I once had the honor of co-facilitating a discussion on networking and social media with two colleagues who are also networking authors and speakers.

During this event, we discussed whether social media has enhanced our ability to connect over the last 10 years—or whether it has detracted from it. Also discussed were best (and worst) social media practices. Here are some tidbits from that discussion that might be helpful to you or make you think differently about social media.

1. Starting today, create a vision, strategy, and some intentional social media policies. Which social media will you use? Even more importantly, why, how, when, and how often will you use them? What will be your manifesto? Your do’s and don’ts? Will you use social media for personal or professional connecting? Or both? What are you trying to express, accomplish, or make happen?

2. Honor what connection really is. For example, I accept friend requests on Facebook only if we’ve had a one-on-one interaction (coffee, beer, lunch, a conversation). I find it rather presumptuous when someone I don’t even know wants to tap into my greatest business asset, my network, or be connected with me in a way that allows them into my world. (Is that a problem for anyone else?) Twitter is different for me; I’ll follow anyone who sounds interesting and isn’t obnoxious with their tweets. Twitter is a sea of information that I want to surf on. It’s just different, so I use it differently. (You?) LinkedIn falls somewhere in the middle. I guard my connections there, but I am open to meeting new people.

3. As with coffee, the slow regular drip is most effective. Don’t send out a flurry of posts, then disappear. This is difficult to do and requires discipline. I still struggle with this. But it works if you are


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trying to build visibility, likability, credibility, and trust. Features on social media allow us to schedule posts so they aren’t in clumps. Try to utilize these more.

4. Words alone are weak. Data suggests that only 6% of any given exchange is about the words. You could argue, then, that a tweet or a post is missing out on 94% of the potential impact of any given message or exchange. Things like appearance, body language, tone and inflection of voice, facial expressions, and demeanor are sadly missing. Which means…

5. There is nothing quite like a face-to-face-interaction, is there? The next best thing to talking in person is having a voice-to-voice interaction. For me, social media is a highly convenient and efficient way to supplement other forms of staying in touch, but it’s not an equal substitution.

6. There are exceptions to the rules and statements above. I have made some delightful and highly valuable friendships and associations via social media and social media introductions. In some cases, I’ve later met these connections in person (say, at conferences or meetings), which was great.

7. Remember to be present. While having coffee with a new friend, I was completely turned off by the fact that he could not stay off his phone for more than 30 seconds. It can get addicting to be “connected” 24/7, but it’s really just an illusion. You can have thousands of “friends” but still be the loneliest, most isolated person in the world. When you’re in someone’s presence, try to stay there.

8. Social media is not a flash-in-the-pan. This means all you lurkers, creepers, and conscientious objectors out there: time to get with it and step it up! Ease into it, and ask your social media-savvy friends for help. You can do it. And you can do it well. Join the conversation and stop hiding in the corners.

9. Most important tip of all: think before you post. We’ve all done it: posted a statement, photo, or link that may not have been in good taste, relevant to our audience/friends, or even necessary. Think relevance and value, not vanity. Be thoughtful, gracious, kind. When in doubt, hit the pause button and give your internal editor, conscience, or filter a chance to veto anything you are about to post. Sure, we live in a country where we have freedom of expression. But just because you can say it or post it doesn’t mean you should.


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10. Vow to become more skilled at face-to-face connecting, interactions, and relationships. Do this, and you’ll ace the social media stuff, too. I know a great book that can help you there (wink).

Questions to ponder: Which of the above lessons resonate with you most? Are there any you disagree with?

What are your thoughts or policies regarding how you use and engage on social media?

Which of the above items makes you squirm?

Try this! Come up with a manifesto for how you will use, enjoy, and leverage social media.

And if you’re not already on social media, maybe it’s time to take the leap.

Chapter 15

Rid yourself of toxic habits and energy zappers Looking for ridiculously simple exercises that can help you see big results from a few small changes? This could be it! How do I know this? I have proof.

When facilitating my workshops, I’m frequently and pleasantly surprised by the positive, if not giddy, reactions I get to one of my favorite Intentional Networking exercises. I call it “The Energy Test.” You’ll find this exercise to be an elegantly easy way to take a fresh, discerning look at who or what is currently taking up your valuable time. You’ll also see what’s feeding your energy stores and what could be needlessly draining


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and depleting them. You may also discover that this exercise is an excellent way to test old habits and the validity and value of activities and appointments you put on your calendar because, well, you just always have.

You know what I’m talking about.

You’ve probably had days when the people, activities, appointments, and events you (or someone else) added to your schedule left you feeling really good about your work, your life, your relationships, your bottom line, and the future of the human race. In contrast, you’ve likely had days when the activities and interactions were so painful to endure that you crawled into bed feeling like a worn-out dishrag. And of course, you’ve probably had the days that fall in between the two extremes and are just, well, meh. Nothing special. Another day on the treadmill that goes nowhere.

Enough is enough.

Begin using this little exercise today and, I promise, if you leverage its power, you’ll begin having far more great days and a lot fewer of the unremarkable and draining ones. Sound good?

Here’s what you do:

Every time you interact or converse with someone, attend a group meeting or event, participate in a program, volunteer or serve others in some way, spend time on a project, or engage in just about any task or activity, ask yourself this very basic question: was this experience energizing, depleting, or neither?

No need to keep elaborate notes. Simply make marks on your calendar or schedule. Put a plus sign (+) next to anything that energizes you, a zero (0) next to anything so-so, and a minus sign (-) next to that which leaves you drained or in a negative frame of mind.

After a few days or even a week or two, you’ll see patterns. Use what you see to begin making new, better choices and intentional shifts. Move away from, let go of, or say “no” more often to the things that are draining or boring you. Make a fresh and intentional effort to move toward that which feeds you. You might even find ways to modify what you’re doing. For example, if an hour-long coffee meeting is just too much time out of your day, adopt a policy that you can only schedule 30-minute coffees.


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Even if the changes are small, they are important, will add up, and you will feel the difference.

Questions to ponder: How much of your day is devoted to +, 0 or – activities?

How is the current ratio affecting your mood, productivity, progress, and success?

Try this! Take things a step further and analyze WHY an interaction, event, or activity gets a +, 0 or – ranking. Use that information to guide you when adding things to your calendar.

Chapter 16

90 seconds to whatever I read an article that talked about how the first 90 seconds of any meeting, encounter, or exchange is not only important, but it sets the tone for whatever follows. In addition, it’s those critical 90 seconds that can ultimately make or break any relationship.

Being the information junkie that I am, I googled “90 seconds” to see what else a mere minute and a half could do. I found a literal avalanche of articles, videos, and other items. For example, in 90 seconds you can:

1. (Conceivably) make people like you. Not sure if I buy this. But I do know that the latest research suggests it may take as few as 3 seconds to make a good (or not-so-good) first impression. If you do the next 87 seconds right, I can see how you could potentially win someone over.

2. Ace an interview. Or totally blow it. They mention things like eye contact, attitude, posture, etc. First impression stuff. Take heed.

3. Tell if a relationship is over. There is a clever video out there on this topic that is both creative and comical. Look it up. It’s hilarious.


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4. Relax and/or find your happy place. I found a website that claimed to reveal a mantra that could help you completely chill out. Ironically it caused my computer to freeze up, which stressed me out for at least 90 seconds. Don’t want to put you through that! Instead, here’s a technique I learned and practice often: simply close your eyes and bring to mind the face of someone you love, a favorite place, or an event or activity that soothes you and makes you feel relaxed and happy. Have it? Ahhhh. Doesn’t it feel good? And the miracle is, your brain doesn’t care if it’s real or not. It just wants your cue to “go there.” Give it a try! Ninety seconds of bliss. More, if no one interrupts your reverie.

5. Change up your mood by listening (or singing along) to a favorite song. Sometimes a song comes on the radio that just bums me out or makes my blood pressure spike. Why do I want to listen to that? I usually switch it up to something upbeat or relaxing. This generally takes me from feeling sad or “just okay” to feeling fired up and awesome. Try this before a meeting or an event. Might even help you implement ideas 1 and 2 above more readily.

6. Learn something new by listening to a collection of interesting, if not offbeat, mini lectures. Yes, there are thousands of 90-second videos galore on the Internet! Who comes up with this stuff? Fascinating! And fast!

7. Figure out if a book is worth reading. There is another brilliant site that helps you do this in 90 seconds. Love it!

8. Learn the history of the Black Death. This website is actually rather well done—using LEGO® sets! And it’s not nearly as gross or morbid as it could be. History lovers, I promise it will crack you up. Check it out.

The Google list went on and on, from the useful to the odd and quirky. I spent more than 90 seconds searching, but it was well worth it. And you get the point.

Questions to ponder: How could you spend the next 90 seconds strengthening a friendship or business relationship?

What can you do in 90 seconds to make a meeting more pleasant, engaging, and affirming?


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What else could you do in 90 seconds to make a difference in your career?

Try this! Make someone’s day! Your 90 seconds start now…

§ Invite someone to coffee or lunch with a quick email § Send a thank-you message § Like or post a brief comment on a blog or social media post § Retweet something you find interesting

Chapter 17

Networking lessons from an art show Do networking lessons happen everywhere? Absolutely, if you’re open to them. And when you are, it’s amazing what you can learn, who you can meet and connect with, and how pivotal and powerful the experience can be.

Take the art show I attended with my friend Lisa a couple of years ago. It was a beautiful spring day as we strolled through the show, perusing booth after booth filled with extraordinary paintings, photography, jewelry, glass, ceramics, and other treasures. We found ourselves enjoying each other’s company as we looked at the many beautiful items on display. But the real treasures were our exchanges with the artists.

Daniel Arredondo is one example. He’s a painter who worked in the high-tech industry for many years before retiring to paint. His work is not only beautiful and thoughtfully delicate, but also extremely metaphorical. Lisa and I took the time to listen to Daniel’s stories. Seemed like he had a fascinating tale or idea behind every piece he had on display. He shared these generously with us—a leap of faith and a form of authenticity and vulnerability that can be very endearing.

But here’s the really cool thing: Daniel never tried to pitch us. He just loved having some company, answering our questions, and sharing his experiences and passion for his work. So refreshing!


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One of Daniel’s paintings stood out among the others. It showed a row of trees with a cutaway of the earth and the delicate root structure deep in the rocks below the earth’s surface. The artist said people and relationships inspired this painting and others like it in a series. “People are like these trees,” he said. “We have our stories on the surface; the ones everyone can see. And then there’s everything that’s hidden beneath, sometimes extending far deeper than we could ever imagine—like roots of a tree.”

His story was a networking lesson. How often do we meet people, see only what’s on the surface, and never bother to dig deeper, ask questions, and invest in the richer conversations that reveal the roots of lives, dreams, ambitions, stories, and connections?

With that, I’m inspired to dig deeper into my connections and relationships; ask about the interesting stuff, the roots, and the rocks. Not in a snoopy, intrusive way, but with a genuine and gentle curiosity that says, “I’m interested in you and your life. I want to hear your stories and learn about you and your experiences. And I’d like to share mine with you, if you wish to listen.”

Questions to ponder: How can you listen more attentively and hold the space for the stories beneath the surface?

How could you dig deeper into your relationships to strengthen your connections and create a more vibrant, growing network?

Try this! Look through your list of top contacts (I call them my Twenty Percenters) and consider how much you know (or don’t know) about them.

Start a list of questions that will help future conversations go deeper, gently but consistently, into the roots of people’s lives. They don’t have to be prying, intrusive, nosy questions, just intriguing, conversation-stimulating ones.


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Chapter 18

Essential ingredients for great relationships I’m an intuitive and creative person at heart. And among the many lessons I’ve learned over the years about the gifts these traits bring is that the stellar ahas, epiphanies, and the really profound ideas have one huge requirement: time. Time to relax. Time to think. Time to let go. Time to cogitate, as my late friend and mentor Anne Durrum Robinson would put it. And, of course, time to do the necessary work as you execute the idea.

Networking, connecting, and building solid relationships can have similar requirements.

Just as you can’t force a great idea to surface or coax a plant to grow any faster than it is meant to grow, you can’t rush or take shortcuts as you build good relationships. They will always require time if they are to be of the highest quality.

There are, however, several ways you can help to move things along and be more visionary and intentional about the process. Here are a few of the ideas:

1. Set your vision and intentions. Take a few minutes to imagine what you want and how it looks and feels. Figure out what kinds of relationships you really want, both in business and your personal life.

2. Be clear and detailed. Describe these (preferably in writing) using specifics with a list you continually add to, maybe in a special journal.

3. Increase your awareness. Figure out and pay attention to where you have met the people who fit your criteria and are already in your network.

4. Watch for patterns. How did introductions, conversations, and connections that “worked” and were most satisfying and memorable come to be? If there were introductions, who were the connectors?


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If certain circumstances spawned some amazing connections and relationships, what were they?

5. Recreate them. Time to reverse engineer the process. Try to repeat those circumstances that produced the best results.

6. Always be authentic and sincere. Never be someone you’re not or force relationships by being overly aggressive. Such turnoffs!

7. Honor the process. Give plenty of time, space, and patience to connections and relationships that hold promise.

8. Do your part. Take inspired action to nurture promising relationships carefully through thoughtful communication, follow-ups, follow-throughs, kindnesses, generosity, and the right level of tenacity.

9. Never push or press. That’s advice worth repeating. And (God forbid) don’t stalk! Allow coincidence, divine timing, synchronicity, and serendipity to help good relationships blossom and ripen.

10. Show appreciation and gratitude. Saying thank you never goes out of style. And people never get tired of hearing it.

11. Maintain your best relationships. Stay in touch!

12. Repeat steps 1 through 11.

Questions to ponder: What are you already doing to court and create positive, valuable relationships? What’s working best for you? How can you create time to do more of it?

Try this! Analyze a past connection you’ve made that turned into a great relationship fairly quickly and easily. Then make a list of the factors involved and the circumstances surrounding the initial contact. How, where, and through whom did you meet this person? What made it a “good fit” right from the start? How can you replicate those success factors to further build your network?


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Chapter 19

Coffee with a stranger: not weird at all What do you love most about what you do for a living? Among the many things I love most about my work are the fascinating people I meet each day. I’m very intentional about who I choose to attract into my life, which explains the high instance of success I have in meeting people with qualities I enjoy and admire and who are doing work that is inspiring.

One of these people is my friend Melissa. I met her via a mutual friend. As a way of getting her social bearings in a new community, she started a project that’s not only very creative and cool, but also very intentional. Here’s what Melissa does in her “spare time”: she meets, interviews (over a caffeinated beverage, of course), and then blogs about one “perfect stranger” each week. Sounds courageous and ambitious, I know! This project probably takes a couple of hours per week out of her busy schedule, but she’s extremely dedicated and consistent.

And here’s Melissa’s reward: within five short years, she will have met 262 new people. All it takes is asking a stranger to coffee, putting the interest on them, and then sharing what she learns on social media, which people generally find flattering.

What’s not to love about this? It’s definitely not your typical let’s-have-coffee strategy.

But, still…talking to strangers? Isn’t that what our parents told us never, ever to do??? Isn’t it kind of weird and scary to go up to someone and ask?

Yes, Melissa admits. It can feel awkward to approach a stranger and ask them to be a part of her project, but most people agree to it. They are generally intrigued and flattered, as I was (I’m her Cup #39). And of course, now that’s she’s infiltrated various networking and social circles in town, she’s hit the CML (Connections Mother Lode) and will have no shortage of candidates to interview.

Is it becoming trite or boring to her yet? Not a chance. Knowing what I now know about Melissa, I bet she’ll still keep it real and approach random strangers at the grocery store, on the walking trail, in the aisles of the bookstore, or wherever she happens to find herself. That’s just how she


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rolls. And since she’s a gorgeous blonde with a lovely demeanor and friendly smile, who’s going to say no?

That’s the whole idea of getting out there and meeting people. Being a little daring, a little gutsy and creative—but very intentional. Going where you love to be. Starting conversations. Asking thoughtful questions. Listening, listening, listening. Expanding your world, reach, and influence. One. Person. At a time. Relishing the process. Then enjoying the exponential rewards.

Am I suggesting you do exactly as Melissa does? No. But her courageous and novel method of getting to know people as she integrates into a new community will hopefully inspire you to be more courageous with your conversations and connections.

Questions to ponder: When was the last time you struck up a conversation with a stranger? How did it go? What did you say to break the ice?

What questions do you ask to get a conversation rolling and keep it rolling?

Try this! Come up with at least 10 easy, upbeat ways to greet and start a conversation (even a very brief one) with a total stranger.

Identify people who have no trouble meeting and conversing with others, and watch them in action. Observe how they do it. Adapt some of their techniques to your personality and style. Be yourself, but apply what you learn. See what works and feels comfortable for you.

Set some intentions to meet the kinds of people you find most interesting, enjoyable, and energizing. Set a goal of how many new people with these traits you will meet each week. Even just one is a great start!


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Chapter 20

A new way to look at life’s most pressing problems What’s scarier than walking into a roomful of strangers? I’ll tell you what: the anxiety that takes place before you actually walk into said room. Ever experienced that? Ever notice how the nerves, jitters, worries, and negative self-talk that take place before a potentially stressful event or encounter are generally worse than the actual experience itself? Performers, athletes, speakers, brain surgeons: they know this. Some even thrive on it and leverage it.

I’m no psychologist or human behavior expert, but I do know a little about fright, fight, and flight. Often it’s easiest to choose the latter. Sadly, that only results in more avoidance and more worrying.

But wait! Here’s a solution: an amazingly simple and effective tip shared by my wise friend Dianna Amorde, author of Aha! Moments: When Intuition & Intellect Collide. When you find yourself in an uneasy state of worry, take a moment, breathe, and say two simple words: “I wonder…” Then finish the phrase with whatever is on your mind, preferably framing it in the positive.

For example:

§ I wonder who I’ll meet at the upcoming business luncheon? § I wonder what I can do to ace that interview or presentation? § I wonder what Tom and I will say to each other to patch things up? § I wonder how I’ll get that blasted ink stain out of my favorite shirt?

You get the picture. Try it right now with an issue that’s giving you fits. “I wonder…”

Something shifts. The mind calms. Possibilities begin to replace worries. Suddenly your fret-filled mind has something productive and positive to work on. Solutions, ideas, and a more relaxed state of mind unfold.


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Try it and see what happens. Use it when you’re making sales calls, interviewing for a new job, networking, settling your grandmother’s estate, potty training your new puppy, you name it. Now…I wonder what exciting task I get to tackle next on my fun-filled To Do List?

Questions to ponder: What worries, anxieties, or stressors are weighing heavily on you today?

Where in your life could you apply the “I wonder…” technique?

Where would you prefer to apply all the time and energy that worrying and fretting burns up needlessly?

Try this! List 5 to 10 areas of your life that could change for the better if you applied the “I wonder…” technique and shifted your worrying to wondering.

About to do something that scares or stresses you? Add some levity to the moment with the “I wonder…” technique.

Chapter 21

A little networking experiment I have a challenge for you: I call it my Good Morning Project. Here’s how it works. For the next week, as you go about your normal activities, I challenge you to do something simple: smile and say “good morning” to the people you encounter. Now this doesn’t mean you should go dashing all about the office, airport, grocery store, or neighborhood obnoxiously stalking people, creepily getting in their faces, and making them feel uncomfortable or intruded upon. It means to naturally acknowledge the presence of others you encounter as you go about your morning.


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“Good morning!” That’s it. (Unless you find that it leads to more conversation—that part is up to you. Just be respectful and realize not everyone is a morning person.)

I’ve been doing this, well, for most of my life, but particularly lately. While riding my bike around my neighborhood on Saturday and Sunday mornings, I probably say “good morning” to at least 20 people who are out walking, working in their yards, or riding their bikes. What’s more, I’ve noticed fun and spectacular results. People are actually taken by surprise (usually in a good way) that someone would bother to pay them any attention and offer them a friendly greeting.

Sure, a few look at me with stunned and perhaps even offended expressions, as if I’ve just invaded their Personal Universe. But I’m hoping most people were grateful, carried on with their days, and found their energy lifted even just a tad. Many respond in kind with a smile, a wave, and “Good morning to you!” We all win!

Behavioral scientists agree that these little, positive encounters are good. They are healthy. They are human. They help us emit oxytocin, which our bodies REALLY love. Literally.

Sound overly simple? Try it. And you’ll definitely notice how this has been missing from your life—and in the lives of others. You may even meet someone interesting who changes your life. Give it a try.


Why do we resist the notion of offering a positive greeting to those around us?

What started this?

Try this! Start your own Good Morning Project. Keep track of how many Good Morning greetings you can rack up (naturally, of course) in a single morning. Pay close attention to how you feel, how others respond, and how many people are willing to continue the conversation. Also note whether this process gets easier over time (or not).


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Chapter 22

Let’s talk about it A networking group I belong to (and serve in a leadership capacity) was hosting a luncheon one day at a local conference center. A woman seated at my table (someone relatively new to the group) commented that she really liked our meetings because she always seemed to experience “powerful conversations.” Wow. As a founding board member of this organization, I was delighted by her observation. But I wanted to know more, so I asked her what she meant.

“You know,” she said, “we have conversations here that aren’t…ordinary.” She had a hard time describing what she meant, but everyone at the table got it. We’d experienced it, too.

This made me think: what exactly is the difference between an ordinary conversation and a powerful one?

Here’s one way I can describe the difference: powerful conversations are energizing and inspiring. They broaden me. They intrigue me. They are witty, fresh, and fun. They challenge my thinking and offer ideas on how I can do what I do better or differently. They are sometimes controversial. Maybe even a bit uncomfortable. They are memorable and life-changing.

Understanding what works well for you in conversations (and what doesn’t) will help you increase the odds of turning ordinary interactions into extraordinary ones. And it can help you more intentionally build the connections you want and need the most.

A wise friend adds this comment: “I find that my criteria for ‘good conversation’ change as I change and with the type of get-together, venue and even the size of the group.”


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Questions to ponder: How would you describe a really good conversation? How is it different from one that’s just chit-chat and not very memorable?

What factors affect how much you enjoy, participate in, and remember a “good conversation”?

Try this! Become a more mindful observer of the conversations you have with others: the questions you ask, the topics you discuss, the words you use, the way your conversations flow and move.

Think about what works and what doesn’t, what feels natural versus awkward or forced. Apply that insight about what contributes to your best exchanges as you work to improve your overall conversation quality.

Chapter 23

Networking as an introvert, extrovert, or both Let’s clear up a myth once and for all. Networking isn’t just for extroverts. You heard it here. Many of my savviest, most valuable, friendly, and delightful friends are actually introverts. I’m usually taken aback when they tell me this. What’s more, I may be known as a connector and networking specialist, but personality profiles (several of them, not just one) tell me I’m right on the cusp of introvert and extrovert. I believe this to be true, as I love being out with people, connecting, and conversing. But there comes a defining moment where all I want is a quiet room and a NAP!

What about you?


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Whether you’re a straight-up extrovert who craves and is energized by people and good conversation or a confirmed introvert who feels exhausted at the mere thought of entering a room full of strangers, here are a few tips that might help you understand and honor your uniqueness and value in social settings.

§ Know your social/networking preferences and style. Are you an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert (also sometimes referred to as omnivert—a little of both—like me)? This awareness is important and will help you understand how you could react in various social settings. It will also explain why you feel a certain way when you are with (or away from) certain people or situations. Taking the Myers-Briggs® test is a great place to start, as it measures your introvert or extrovert preferences.

§ Honor your connecting style, the setting, and your intentions. Some people love to work the room and have shorter conversations, meeting an array of people in a brief period of time. Others prefer engaging in deeper exchanges with fewer people. Neither is right or wrong. It just is. I suggest finding a balance and adapting, depending on the setting, your intentions, and your goals for any gathering you attend.

§ Realize your connecting style can vary from day to day, situation to situation. I have days where I enjoy meeting new people and hearing all about them. Other days, I just want the comfort of familiar faces and prefer to listen rather than talk. Then there are days when I prefer to stay home and get some projects done. It’s okay. As a good friend once told me, “Ride the wave.”

§ Switch it up. If you’re an extrovert, make an effort to talk less, listen more. Be fascinated, not fascinating. I guarantee you will be remembered and loved for this. In contrast, if you’re an introvert, go out on a limb, be courageous, and prepare some conversation-starting comments and follow-up questions. Then seek out someone who is standing apart from the crowd, looking perhaps a little lonely. You will be this person’s hero. One time when I used this strategy, I ended up in a fascinating conversation with a very cool guy who regularly styles Sandra Bullock’s hair! Who knew? (Yes, he confirms that Sandra is as nice as they say.)


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§ Pay attention to and honor others’ connection and communication styles. A woman I met at a conference is a full-on introvert. She gets overwhelmed easily in social settings. You can see it in her eyes if you are paying attention. Knowing this, I am mindful to engage in a few words of conversation with her, then let her be. Initially I thought she just wasn’t very friendly. Now I know better. As for extroverts, sometimes I like to hang with them because they tend to introduce me to new people or it’s fun to simply be present and listen to them. Takes the pressure off me. Other times they are just too much. But, again, knowing helps with understanding.

§ Take note of your energy levels after an encounter, event, or meeting. Ever left a conversation or meeting just totally exhausted? Or so inspired and energized you couldn’t wait to get back to your desk to implement something you learned? These observations will tell you a lot about yourself and the types of situations and people best suited for you.

Questions to ponder: How would you define your social style? Are you primarily an introvert, an extrovert, or an ambivert? What leads you to believe this?

Try this! At your next networking event, pay close attention to the social styles of the various people at the gathering. Try to spot the introverts and extroverts. Then take note of the many different dynamics involved in successful interactions.

Chapter 24

Little by little matters Every morning as I sip my first cup of coffee, I do some reading, including a review of my favorite blogs. Nothing spectacular about that, really, except that some mornings I notice a distinctly common thread: a connecting


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theme in every post. (Ever notice how that happens?) Maybe it’s something all three bloggers heard or saw in the media that prompted them to write about similar topics. Or maybe it was just me who was open to noticing the patterns and parallels.

On one particular morning, the blog theme du jour really grabbed my attention. The messages I received were as follows:

Details matter. Taking small steps over time can be effective and powerful. Take things day by day. One step at a time. You can build something up or you can tear something down, little by little, with (or without) knowing it. It’s the little things that matter. Be present. Pay attention.

Simple, powerful, timeless messages. And smart advice for those who might feel intimidated by the concept of big-time Networking (with a capital N).

I had worked with a coaching client who told me he was totally overwhelmed by every aspect of networking. Yet, he not only wanted to do it better, he knew he had to do it better for his business to grow. The logical next step was for us to map out a series of small, easy actions he could take to begin building his network and gently stretching his connections. Enough to make progress, but not so much that he felt paralyzed with anxiety about how to get it all done. Significant change would happen over time, but he didn’t have to feel freaked out about it. “Little by little” was the theme. Funny how I needed to hear this message myself so I could not only utilize it in my world, but also share it with a client.

Questions to ponder: What aspects of your life, work, or relationships leave you feeling overwhelmed?

What tiny, incremental steps might you take to minimize those feelings and create positive change?

Try this! If you’re feeling intimidated by the idea of networking, step back and make a list of several small, manageable steps to get you started and provide some momentum.


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Set your intentions. Clarify what you want to feel, experience, and accomplish, plus whom you would like to meet or get to know better.

Express gratitude or offer a greeting or compliment to someone (anyone!) whenever you can.

Read something enlightening or uplifting every day.

Chapter 25

Get ahead by getting real Ever met someone at a gathering and wondered if you were experiencing the “real” person? I once attended a business luncheon and began conversing with a woman I’d just met. She represented a line of luxury items for women and was very professional and friendly. Problem was, I couldn’t get her to talk about anything other than her products and company. Any attempt on my part to get her to share something about herself was redirected, sometimes awkwardly, back to what she had to sell. Very scripted and robotic. And a little annoying as well.

I don’t believe I was overstepping any boundaries or invading her privacy; I was just trying to make pleasant small-talk and get to know her better. After several tries, I finally gave up. I can tell you the name of the company for which the woman worked. I even have an item picked out in case we ever reconnect. But honestly, at this point, I can’t remember the woman’s name. And I likely wouldn’t recognize her if I saw her again. She was wearing some pretty thick armor that day, which is unfortunate.

I wonder: what was this woman afraid of? What was stopping her from opening up—and being real? What might she have been hiding? Who is she really?

If you’ve read my book, The Intentional Networker, you may recall that the first three chapters discuss the pillars that form the very foundation for intentional (and effective) networking. Those include: 1) discovering who you really are; 2) knowing what you truly want; and 3) showing up accordingly and authentically. Even if you do everything in the other


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six chapters, you’re wasting your time if you haven’t done your work in these three areas first.

Bottom line: when it comes to networking, by all means be professional, knowledgeable, and passionate about your work, products, services, and business. But when all is said and done, don’t forget to be authentic and transparent. After all, people do business with people they know, like, and trust. Those three factors can’t happen if you don’t let others in.

Questions to ponder: What keeps us from being our true selves in networking settings? How might this prevent people from trusting us?

Try this! Think about some of your personal stories, hobbies, or interests that could provide some dimension as well as “connection points” when you are engaged in get-to-know-you conversations.

Chapter 26

Give your networking a strategic boost In observing others and working with my coaching and consulting clients, I often see two extremes: 1) people who believe networking is primarily about bringing in new customers, finding a new job, building consensus, or raising funds—in other words, instant and tangible results; and 2) people who think networking is purely a matter of “getting out there and meeting people” and then seeing what happens.

Neither approach is wrong. However, there are advantages to being more multi-dimensional and purposeful about it. Yes, networking is critical to growing our businesses and expanding our careers. But value also comes in forms that transcend dollar signs and stacks of business cards. Why not be intentional and purposeful as well as open to the possibilities of whom you could meet and how you (and they) could benefit from the connection? Why not create the perfect hybrid that is more intentional, as well as fulfilling, fun, and full of possibilities?


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As you set your intentions for future networking, take just 5 minutes to come up with a list of categories or objectives that will help you tune your networking radar. Get strategic!

For example, you might be on the lookout for people with the potential to become:

1. Customers/clients

2. Referral sources/affiliates

3. Masterminding or accountability partners

4. Sources of information about something you’re working on, dealing with, or concerned about

5. Mentors, role models, navigators, and ad hoc advisors (people who’ve experienced a journey on which you’re just now embarking)

6. People who know stuff (and people) you don’t

7. Cheerleaders and sources of encouragement and inspiration

8. Vendors, suppliers, and subcontractors

9. Coaches, consultants, and experts you may want to hire

10. Potential speakers for your next professional meeting

11. Blogging partners

12. Interview subjects

13. Workout or walking partners

14. Fellow parents

15. Fellow dog owners

16. Potential assistants and interns

17. People who like the same stuff you do

18. People who like different stuff and help you expand your horizons


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19. Someone who can babysit or tutor your kids

20. People who can______________________

Questions to ponder: What and who are you in search of?

What connections could make your business or life better, easier, or more effective?

Try this! Write down a few of the characteristics, traits, and strengths of the ideal person you’d like to meet to improve your business or your life. Now ask five of your contacts if they know someone like this and might be willing to make an introduction.

Chapter 27

Throw away the script Being prepared is certainly important in business and in life. But sometimes people can take that a bit too far. I’m talking about scripts here—and the screaming fact that you should throw them away.

What do I mean by scripts? Sales scripts. Marketing scripts. Cold-calling scripts. Over-worked, over-rehearsed speech and presentation scripts. Canned, over-stylized, perfectly timed and word-counted elevator pitches that people use when they’re out networking. Ugh.

Get rid of all of them. They are phony and robotic, and no one likes them. What’s more, others recognize them instantly because most people do a terrible job of making them sound natural. They are a big fat turnoff.

What to do instead when you want to make sure your messages come through? Here are a few ideas.


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Come up with lists of key words, phrases, ideas, stories, and messages that capture or illustrate what you want to convey. Commit these to memory, but use them more naturally in your conversations, writing, and presentations. Allow a more natural flow, and stop trying to memorize exact phrases. (I don’t know about you, but when I try to memorize I can no longer feel the heart, soul, and meaning in the words. I’m in my stodgy left brain and too busy, well, memorizing.)

Concentrate on knowing your material so well that you can throw your notes away. This is sometimes called the “learn it and burn it” approach. You don’t just learn and know the messages; you become the messages. I love this. Your messages envelop your heart. They flow through your veins, even ooze out of your pores. They become a natural part of you.

Commit to being a real and imperfect person. As tempting as it is to try to be perfect, to get every word just so, to get the timing down to exactly 30 seconds or 20 minutes or 16 slides, and to impress the heck out of everyone you encounter, this is just not a wise approach. Trying to be perfect and exact all the time is really stressful. Furthermore, it actually stresses and alienates others. No one wants, likes, or is really comfortable around people who constantly strive to be perfect. And honestly, does perfect even really exist? Being real, authentic, natural, in the moment, humble, and even slightly flawed is far more human, approachable, endearing, and attractive.


Where are your scripts: your repetitive, phony, and autopilot-y phrases? What steps can you take to throw them away and rework your words into something more natural, authentic, and in-the-moment?

Try this! Start your collection of key words, phrases, messages, and stories that capture what you want to convey about who you are and what you do. Designate a journal or notebook for these, and keep adding to it.


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Commit to the “learn it and burn it” philosophy. Become your messages by living them.

Be okay with imperfection. You’ll be far more loveable.

Chapter 28

How to get lucky For those of you seeking tips on how to attract a steamy, romantic encounter: sorry, that’s not the kind of “lucky” I meant. The message I want to share here is more about what Luck really is and how you can attract it. You can apply this to romance if you’d like, but my focus is more on how you can bring in additional customers, build a stellar contact list, and attract golden opportunities.

While having cocktails with a few friends, I began sharing news about some of the terrific things that had been happening to me and my business in the past few months. I’m a grateful person by nature, so of course I said something like, “Wow, I’ve been so lucky this month.” My friend Sylvia promptly jumped in and corrected me, saying, “Whoa! Wait, Patti! You’ve worked your tail off to earn these opportunities. Don’t forget that.” She was right. I do work hard, diving in every day, putting in the effort. I may not complete or even get to ALL the items on my To Do list, but I always accomplish some of them. I show up. I get things done.

“Furthermore,” my friend added, “you’ve worked at this over time. So many people think you can take shortcuts and just get great results overnight. You can’t.”

She was right again.

So whether your goal is building a highly profitable business, growing a steady and loyal customer base, refining your contact list, or creating a social network that soothes and supports you, keep these tidbits in mind:


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Know what you’re going after. What do you want? What’s your vision? It’s easier to get there if you know where “there” is.

Put in some effort toward what you want every day and over time. Even if it’s a lot one day and a little the next.

Let others know what you’re seeking. Don’t assume they are going to drop everything to create a miracle for you, but it’s okay to ask for support, tips, ideas, and introductions. Be willing to return the favor and show ample appreciation.

Keep learning and growing—and stay open to new options and ideas. Louis Pasteur said, “Chance favors the prepared mind.” He was spot on.

Let go of the “how.” This one is especially tough for me, because I like to plan and be in control. But when I do let go, the things that happen are way better than I ever could have wildly imagined! I bet this is true for you as well. Put out the welcome mat for amazing possibilities.

Change up your self-talk. My friend Cameron shared that she has shifted her positive self-talk from “I am so lucky” to “I am so grateful.” She says it feels more inclusive of her efforts. I so agree.

I’m sure there are more you could add to this list. Point is, next time you think it’s just luck that’s gotten someone where they are (even if it’s you), snap out of it. Reflect on the energy, time, skill, learning, and resources it took to get there. Appreciate this and stay the course. When you do your part, Luck and Opportunity will show up. And what a lovely couple they make.

Questions to ponder: Where have you applied hard work and perseverance to be “lucky” in life or work? Have you conquered a big challenge in the last few years? What steps did you take to get those positive results?

How can these insights be applied to current projects, desires, and goals?


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Try this! Create a 30-day plan to “earn some luck.” Develop a list of 5 areas where you can make small, consistent efforts each and every day to move you toward reaching a larger goal. Post the list by your desk or somewhere where you will see it regularly and account for your actions (or inaction).

Chapter 29

Shifting from so-so to sensational Ever notice that the people who need help or enlightenment the most are often the least likely to know they need it and seek it out?

My friend Nishi and I compared notes on this. After reading my book, The Intentional Networker, and giving it a “thumbs up,” Nishi said, “Patti, the people who read your book are probably the ones who are already pretty good at networking, but they’ve decided they want to be really great networkers.”

Sounded like a reasonable theory to me. Likewise, I noted that the business owners most likely to hire Nishi for her business development expertise and objective guidance are probably the people who already run pretty good businesses, but they’ve chosen to run and grow really great businesses.

The pattern was obvious. Whether you’re talking about networking more intentionally or building a thriving business, it seems to be a more difficult stretch to move from “mediocre to good” than to progress from “good to great.” We wondered why.

Perhaps the biggest hurdle might be overcoming the blind spots that keep people and businesses in states of perpetual failure or average-ness. Or maybe it’s a momentum thing. Once you know what you don’t know, it’s easier to take the steps to move forward.


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Questions to ponder: Where would you like to see yourself making improvements? Maybe it’s your networking, your business, your career, your tennis game, or even your ability to cook a great meal. Are you blindly stuck in a state of not knowing?

Are you oblivious to how much better you can be? Or are you past that, knowing you have the capacity to improve? How can you take steps (even the small ones) to move you from so-so to sensational?

Try this! Get courageous and ask trusted friends, family members, and colleagues if they will (gently) reveal to you some blind spots that could be keeping you caught in the struggle or stuck in Average Mode.

Author’s note: Trust me. I know how hard this is! But each time I’ve asked for honest feedback of this nature, I’ve taken huge steps forward and enjoyed big improvements in my work and life!

Chapter 30

The power of possibilities Purpose. Polish. Productivity. Those were my key points as I spoke to a group of entrepreneurs about being a more Intentional Networker, someone who attracts powerful relationships, referrals, and results in business with greater ease and confidence. I felt good about keeping my talk to those three key messages. After all, one of my speaking coaches, Jim Comer, insists three points per presentation are all people can really remember.

But amidst that very planned, buttoned-up, trifecta of Ps, I wanted to add in a fourth. One that was more relaxed and more open: Possibilities. And then a fifth popped up as well: Presence.


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Related to this, have you ever gone somewhere—a networking event or a conference, a social gathering, or a coffee or lunch date—and you had no firm goals or plan? You had no clear idea why you were attending or what you wanted to accomplish. You might have even felt a bit distracted by something happening back at the office or at home. Yet deep inside, you just knew you needed to be there. And you needed to pay attention.

Something amazing was going to happen. You might learn one tidbit that would solve a nagging problem or give you a fresh insight. You might miraculously run into the very person you most needed to meet. Or you might be presented with an opportunity that you never dreamed would come your way.

What is it about having no firm plan per se, but being mindfully present, ready to be aware and to listen, and to be open to possibilities? What makes this so powerful?

I believe there are some major differences between the people who drift aimlessly and those who can remain relaxed, yet still attract, spot, and leverage opportunities. Here are a few. To harness the power of possibilities and presence, it helps to:

1. Take the time to create your vision, intentions, and goals. This means writing them down, but not getting too wrapped up in them. Documenting them, but not running around with them pasted on your forehead or written on your hand in Sharpie.

2. Turn on and trust your radar. Here you have turned off all distractions. You are tuned in and aware, but not tracking or stalking. There’s a difference.

3. Be prepared. Dress appropriately. Polish your shoes. Freshen your breath. Guys, trim those eyebrows. (No, I’m not joking!) Bring along some business cards or a sample of your product. Just in case.

4. Develop and maintain a positive mindset. Smile. Be pleasant and gracious. Think good thoughts.

5. Anticipate that something amazing will happen. Have faith. Believe.


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There is both art and science to this. Just watch Wayne Dyer’s Power of Intention, and you’ll see what I mean. The purpose, the polish, and the productivity pieces are still valuable, but try balancing them with the more relaxed, yet surprising, powers of presence and possibilities.

Questions to ponder: How can you be more present and open to possibilities? What distractions are getting in your way?

Try this! Use the tips listed above as a starting point to come up with some of your own ideas about how to be more:

§ Purposeful § Polished § Productive § Present § Prepared (there, I just added another one!) § Open to Possibilities

Chapter 31

What do you want others to remember about you? The answer to that question comes in the form of an amazing LinkedIn success story, as well as an adjoining epiphany about networking and memorability.

The LinkedIn story first. A gentleman who had become familiar with my work online wanted to be introduced to me because he believed we had some commonalities. He also saw the potential for some joint projects, so he posted a gracious request. By way of a few twists and turns—and some carefully considered connecting—we were finally introduced by someone I hold in high regard.


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That got my attention.

The gentleman emailed me and asked if we could chat by phone. I agreed, gave him a call, and was very pleased with our exchange. We saw many ways we might help each other and shared many of the same philosophies. One of the most endearing parts of our conversation had to do with an essay his twenty-something daughter wrote to him for his 60th birthday celebration, which she was unable to attend in person.

We are now lurching to the epiphany phase of this post.

The essay was called, “The 10 Things I Learned from My Dad.” I could tell my new friend was extremely moved by this gesture from his daughter, hearing the faintest crack in his voice as he told me about it. He knew he had made an impact on her and was glad she had remembered things he had taught her, either directly or by example. I was touched by this. Then it made me think, what DO we want people to remember about us? How are we impacting others and what lessons are we teaching and modeling to our family, friends, and colleagues? What will they say or write about us? Will it be what we want them to express?

As an Intentional Networker, I hope you’ll give this some thought as you go about your daily routine, do your work, interact with your colleagues, serve your customers, and connect with contacts old and new. I know it’s a good reminder for me. And I know this for sure: I’m glad I made a new contact and a new friend. I’m also thankful for social media, for those who took the time to make this connection, and for the delightful conversation full of sharing, lessons, and possibilities.

Questions to ponder: How do you want to be remembered? What words or phrases best describe the legacy you hope to leave?

What lessons do you want to share while you’re able to do so?

Who do you want to impact and how?


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Try this! Ask 5 to 10 people from different parts of your life—people who know you well—what words they would use to describe you and the impact you have on others.

Compare their feedback to your vision of how you want to be known and remembered.

Chapter 32

5 ways to get creative with your networking You may recognize this line: “My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.” It’s one of Hedley Lamarr’s lines in the very ridiculous, very politically incorrect movie, “Blazing Saddles.” I currently have this line posted on my bulletin board because it expresses how I often feel: so much to do, so many ideas, so many places to go and people to see, and so little time to fit it all in. What to do about it?

Well, I’m inspired to share several ideas about how you can get creative and make the most of your networking time, even when you’re very busy.

Consider one of these ideas to make your networking more effective and time-efficient:

1. Reserve certain days and times for relationship-building. One of my very organized colleagues reserves Mondays and Tuesdays for focusing on big projects and Fridays for admin tasks. That leaves Wednesdays and Thursdays for everything else. Not a bad plan. You may prefer to organize your week another way. As you do, choose what days you can fit in some networking and relationship-building. Maybe set Wednesdays and Thursdays as Go-Out-for-Lunch days. Or make Tuesdays Coffee-with-a-Colleague Day. Plan in advance when, how, how often, and with whom you will


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choose to spend your networking time. Do what works for you. Set some policies, limits, and boundaries. Tweak and refine. Then stick to it. It’s easier said than done, but worth it.

2. Mix in some smaller gatherings among the larger ones. Large networking functions and professional events do serve a purpose. They put you in touch with a lot of people at one time. And, of course, there is often the benefit of an inspiring or enlightening program. Don’t cast these aside entirely. They are part of a good networking strategy, but they should not be the only part of your plan. Make time to attend (or create your own) smaller gatherings of 12 or fewer people. (These can be so worthwhile!) Or once or twice a month, set up a lunch or happy hour with three of your best contacts to create a fascinating foursome. Maybe your goal is doing two one-on-one lunches per week. Mix it up. Do it your way. But have some kind of plan.

3. Establish regular calling hours. A very genteel practice from centuries gone by is the art of setting aside a regular pocket of time to receive visitors. For example, you might establish yours as 2 to 4 on Thursdays. At this time every week, you would be at a given location (e.g., a coffee shop in your neighborhood or at your office), ready to spontaneously receive visitors who happen by. This is an excellent way to appease all the people who are chomping at the bit to have coffee with you. Plan on having a book from your reading list or some work with you in case no one shows up (always a possibility until your colleagues become hip to your new habit). What you’re doing here is making yourself available regularly, but on your terms. Maybe several people all show up at once. Cool! Instant networking party where several of your peeps can meet each other. I love this because it’s a strategy, yet it also allows for spontaneity and possibilities.

4. Try the “how about now?” technique. Say you’re at a networking function. You meet someone interesting who asks if you can have coffee or lunch on another day to visit further. Instead of trying to get on each other’s calendars, which can be next-to-impossible, suggest you continue the conversation for another 15 minutes right there, on the spot. Many of the venues where networking events take place have comfortable foyers where you can


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visit for a few more minutes after the event is over. Just be sure to allow this extra time in your schedule.

5. The walk-and-talk. I love this one, and I have several friends and colleagues who do as well. We schedule time together early in the day, choose a mutually convenient location to walk or hike, and get in both a heart-pumping workout as well as a productive, catch-up conversation. An hour does it. Perhaps you’d prefer to jog, run, or take the dogs out. Mixing in some healthy outdoor activity builds bonds like nothing else can.

Questions to ponder: How can you creatively build networking time into your busy week?

What activities could you let go of to create more time for networking?

What times of the day are better suited for you to focus on other activities?

Try this! Review the ideas listed above. Which ones speak to you? What other ideas do they inspire?

List 3 to 5 things you can begin doing this week to add some creative spark to your networking efforts.

Chapter 33

Please don’t pretend to care Some of you may know that I come from primarily British/Cornish/Irish heritage. So it’s no surprise that I love to brandish an occasional quote from whip-smart, witty historic figures like Winston Churchill. Here is one of his gems that I find terribly amusing:


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“If you have an important point to make, don’t try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time—a tremendous whack.”

What does this have to do with networking? Quite a bit.

One day while catching up on reading, I stumbled onto a disturbingly honest blog by a man in sales who noted that he was tired of people using and abusing networking and relationship-building techniques. He claimed that they wasted a lot of time pretending to care about others, their businesses, families, goldfish, and whatnot, when all they really wanted to do was make a sale.

His words made me cringe at first. But then I laughed out loud. Yes! Thank you! The only thing worse than someone who gets right to the point about why they want to talk to you (so they can sell you something, ask a favor, etc.) is the person who feigns interest, pretends to want to build a connection with you, invites you to lunch or coffee under the guise of getting to know more about you and your business, asks a bunch of pretend-to-be-interested questions, then (at the precise moment) switches gears, pounces and—BAM!—hits you with a sales pitch that he or she should have hit you with via email or phone. Or not at all.

Thinking about when that has happened to me puts me in a pretty foul mood. How about you?

Point is, if you have something you really must (or really want to) sell right now, then just sell it. Similarly, if you have a favor to ask, then just be honest and ask for it. If you’re looking for a job or another type of opportunity, then please say so. Just, for Pete’s sake, stop beating around the bush. ASK already! Make it a pile-driver ask and get it over with. Stop all this pretending to be interested in building your network and meaningful, long-term relationships, faking people out, and selfishly wasting everyone’s time. People are smart, and they will pick up on it. The dissonance and faking it will tarnish your reputation.

And one more thing: if all you’re interested in is the Almighty Sale or asking for a favor (and it means more to you than the relationship), please don’t be surprised when people respond in kind. Or not at all.


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Questions to ponder: How do you distinguish between prospecting, leads gathering, and networking?

When you are networking, what are you really seeking? More short-term sales? Or long-term relationships?

Try this! Make a list of the traits that might be associated with your ideal customers, contacts, and opportunities. Let that seep in. Then let go of the notion that you need to direct a specific outcome through your networking. Watch what happens.

Chapter 34

Smart ideas to build your network I often share stories about the satisfaction you can experience when you choose to intentionally pare back an overstuffed or outdated contact database or address book. Frequently, I receive feedback from people who agree that this mindful purging feels empowering and brings a new sense of refreshing clarity to their business relationships. Much like cleaning out a drawer, closet, or file cabinet.

But sometimes people who are just beginning to build their databases share their challenges. They want to know how to add to their lists of contacts.

Good point! Here’s my answer: if you’re an introvert or someone who is just beginning to learn the ropes of networking, being intentional or particular—even finicky—about your business relationships can be more important than ever. Why? Because you probably don’t want to waste your time, energy, or resources on connections that aren’t a good fit for you. As with anyone else, ill-fitting connections will drain you and possibly even hold you back.


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Case in point: a few years ago, a rather introverted friend confided in me that she didn’t like networking because she always ended up talking to people who were negative, unpleasant, dominated the conversation, or tried to put a heavy sales pitch on her. She was completely turned off. When I asked her to describe for me the types of people she DID want to meet, associate with, and work with, she had no answer for me. She had set no intentions whatsoever. Maybe that was the root of the problem.

As my wise friend Cheryl said once, “If you don’t know what you’re looking for, you won’t recognize it when you find it.”

Here are some quick pointers to help you become more focused, at ease, and comfortable with building your network and your database.

1. Set some intentions about the people you’d like to meet and add to your database. If there are specific people you’d like to meet, name them and jot down some ideas on how and where you could meet them and what you’d want to say to them or ask them. Don’t get too scripty. Just sketch out ideas. In addition, create a list of words and phrases that describe the people you want to meet. When I’ve facilitated discussions around this topic, many people use words such as caring, positive, pleasant, kind, helpful, honest, and reliable. You might include these, but feel free to add some of your own. You are essentially describing your perfect clients, co-workers, colleagues, and friends. In addition, you are “tuning” your brain’s radar to recognize these special people and even attract them into your world.

2. Consider seeking out people whose energy levels, traits, and skills complement yours. Opposites can attract and foster very productive connections. For example, I’m energetic, creative, and talkative, but enjoy being around and working with people who are calm, fact-driven, and thoughtful. Who complements you?

3. When attending networking events or gatherings, remember more is not necessarily better. It’s perfectly okay to seek out just a few solid conversations and connections. Or even just one. I once attended a large event and had numerous brief conversations, but I had one that really stood out. I asked for her card and scheduled coffee with her the following week. That single connection may have made the entire event worthwhile.


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4. It’s okay to say no and set boundaries. There are many ways to graciously exit conversations and decline situations and requests that aren’t comfortable or right for you. The most successful people in the world know how to do this politely. They understand that saying ”no” to something that’s not a fit means they can move on and say “yes” to something that is.

5. Remember that a smaller database of solid clients and advocates can be far more valuable than one loaded down with 1,000 or more random contacts. If you can maintain a list (even a modest one) of people who like you, know you, trust you, see your value, and are willing to share it with others, you’ve got a gold mine. Be proud of that and build on it slowly and steadily, always mindful of quality. Trust me, it will pay off. Likewise, determine your policies for social media such as LinkedIn, Twitter, and Facebook. Who will you choose to follow? And who will you allow to follow you?

Questions to ponder: What’s the status of your contact database? Your circle of friends, colleagues, peers, and prospects? Who’s in your tribe?

Are you content with the quantity of connections in your database? Does it need to grow or is it time to do a little house cleaning?

Try this! No matter the size or condition of your database, review it now to find and eliminate people who no longer seem to be a fit for you, your work, or your life.

Identify contacts you haven’t heard from in years. Consider whether it might be worth reaching out to see where they are and what’s new.

I have a philosophy that people enter, leave, and re-enter my life when it’s just the right time. Might this work for you?


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Chapter 35

10 tips for reconnecting True story. One day I was trying to reach a colleague and became extremely frustrated. He had put gate after gate, barrier after barrier, limitation after limitation, between us. Possibly in an effort to focus on an important project and limit distractions, but perhaps for another reason: to isolate himself. Maybe even to “protect” himself—or avoid me. Whatever he was doing, it left me feeling small, unimportant, and insignificant. I eventually gave up.

Confession: I know I’ve done this. You probably have as well. Sure, it’s good to set priorities and have days where you need privacy or focus without distractions or time off. But I suggest finding a little balance so you don’t completely alienate the people who love you, support you, want to share something with you, want your advice, or (hey!) have a fantastic opportunity to send your way.

Here are 10 little ideas on how to avoid making overzealous isolation a habit. (And to any of you trying to reach me, I promise to follow these myself).

1. Pick up the phone and answer it now and then; don’t send every call to voice mail.

2. Yes, that means even when you don’t know who it is or don’t recognize the number. (In several instances, I would have missed out on speaking opportunities if I hadn’t answered my calls immediately. Whew!)

3. Call people back when they leave a message. As promptly as possible.

4. If you can’t talk for very long, try to be more honest and assertive about this. (“Hey, Mary, wanted to be sure to call you back but only have about 5 minutes to talk. What’s up?”)

5. If a longer conversation is necessary, schedule it or let people know what days or times are best for you.


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6. Respond to emails, texts, and other messages that have fallen through the cracks. Unless they are spam or blatant sales pitches. Those can go to the trash bin immediately.

7. Choose one day a week as a Reconnect Day. I like Fridays for this, but choose whatever works for you.

8. Send more handwritten note cards.

9. Apologize if you’ve been absent or hard to reach.

10. Try to contact or connect with at least 2 or 3 people per day. Or perhaps post something on social media so your friends know you are alive.

Questions to ponder: What are your key reasons for not answering the phone, email, or other messages?

What could you be missing out on?

Try this! Choose and follow at least 3 of the suggestions listed above this week.

Make it a priority to reconnect. You just may uncover some exciting new opportunities among your old contacts.

Counter to this, know when it’s absolutely essential that you disconnect so you can focus and get things done.


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Chapter 36

Where networking really happens—if you’re ready My colleague Jan Goss and I often “tag team” in our speaking and consulting. One such collaboration was speaking to a career transitions group at a local church. We shared both our expertise and encouraging words with those seeking work and going through career changes. It was fun, fulfilling, and eye-opening. Our topic was networking but, given the needs of the group, we focused less on networking “events” and more on where the networking process frequently occurs…during everyday events and encounters.

Some of the best conversations and connections won’t happen at business events that are marked on your calendar. In fact, they can and often will take place in ways and at times you cannot predict, schedule, or control.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve met and conversed with some of the most interesting, helpful, and connected people at the grocery store, the local coffee shop, the dog park, in my driveway, at the gym, on airplanes, in the mall, and even on the soccer field. One of the coolest, kindest, most influential and helpful people I ever met “found me” while I was shopping for an alarm clock at Bed Bath & Beyond! (How’s that for karma?)

The big aha moment here: it pays to be open, aware, and ever-ready, in body, mind, presence, and spirit. You have to be willing to set your intentions, polish up, grab hold of hope, step out of your comfort zone, talk to strangers, and communicate what you’re seeking. Good fortune may not strike every time, but you’ll be surprised at how often it will—if you do your part, stay positive, and are truly ready and open.

Questions to ponder: The wonderful people at the career transitions event were searching for new career opportunities. What about you? What are you seeking? What are your dreams that you’d like fulfilled? What are the challenges for which you seek solutions?


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Whether it’s something related to business or more on the personal side, are you ready to present yourself to the people who can help you? Without knowing in advance who they are? Or when, where, and how they will show up?

Try this! Practice naming and talking about what you want, clearly and positively. Think about whether you’re really ready to receive it. If not, you’ve got work to do! I promise, it’s work worth doing.

Chapter 37

14 ways to network, converse, and connect “Where should I be networking?” is a question I’m often asked by my clients and audiences. Other variations are “How often…”? “Where...?” “Which networking groups should I join?” And on and on. Good questions, of course, but here’s my BEST answer: networking happens wherever there are people and opportunities to offer a greeting and spark a conversation. You just never know when that will happen or where that will be, so it pays to be ready all the time.

Here are a few tips that might help as you venture out in search of conversation and potential connections that could change your life:

1. Show up. Success begins with getting out there and being present—regularly.

2. Make connecting and re-connecting with others part of your regular routine. And not just when you need to. Fit it into your schedule. Make it a habit. Build good karma, and start conversations boldly.


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3. Make someone’s day: offer a compliment. A sincere one, of course. I try to do this with every checkout clerk I encounter. There’s always something positive to point out. And the resulting smiles are contagious.

4. Relax. Be authentic. Be yourself. Connecting isn’t about “selling” or impressing others. It’s about being real. Have fun with it.

5. Set an intention. Have a positive purpose, goal, mantra, or affirmation in mind as you head out to any event or meeting—even as you run errands. “I feel great today” is a good start. “I love meeting interesting people” is another. Come up with one that puts you in a positive frame of mind and even states an intention.

6. Take a tip from the world of journalism. Ask open-ended questions beginning with “what” or “how.” What brought you here? What do you like best about this group/these meetings? What does your typical day involve? How did you get into this field? Do you love it? What’s new in your world? What’s next on your horizon? How can I help you? What would you do if you could do anything?

7. Be interested, not interesting. Listen and give the other person your full interest and attention. It makes them feel great—and they’ll remember this!

8. Think quality, not quantity. At a social gathering or networking event? Don’t wear yourself out trying to dart all over the room meeting everyone (unless it’s a really small gathering). It’s better to make two or three excellent connections than to have 20 shallow, meaningless interactions with the obligatory and often banal business card exchange.

9. Don’t gossip or share private information. This reflects more on you than anyone.

10. Be positive. No whining, complaining, or negativity.

11. Be fearless. See someone you’ve always wanted to meet? Go up to them and strike up a conversation. Don’t gush, but tell them something you admire about them. Keep it brief and sincere. You never know what might happen.


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12. Create (and “hug”) your Top 25 List. These are the top 25 contacts in your database. The people who bring value, ideas, business, referrals, and “energy” to your world. Stay in touch with them. Ask what you can do for them. Send them clippings, cards, useful emails. Ask them for advice—it’s flattering!

13. Express gratitude regularly. Whether it’s simply counting your blessings as a way to energize yourself each day or sending thank-you notes to those who have made a difference in your world, giving thanks and showing appreciation are excellent ways to feel great about yourself and your relationships.

14. Protect your reputation and don’t burn bridges. Whether it’s making a good first impression, staying true to your word, making quality referrals, or always striving to do the right thing, a stellar reputation is priceless. And even if a connection goes nowhere or a relationship sours, don’t do or say anything you’ll regret later. Time heals all wounds—and, as one of my mentors used to say, “Time wounds all heels.”

Questions to ponder: What would you add to the list above as your favorite ways to connect or reconnect?

What do you enjoy most about the ways people reconnect with you? How does it make you feel?

Try this! Choose 5 of the ideas above for connecting or reconnecting, and take action to implement them during the next few weeks. Make a note of the response and the results (for you and for your contacts).


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Chapter 38

The best networking advice of all time I love smart, funny, original books. So years ago when a savvy friend told me to read The Sweet Potato Queen’s Book of Love by Jill Connor Browne, I obeyed. I loved that book (still do) and laughed so hard as I read it, I nearly pulled a rib. Little did I know that one of the author’s many cheeky bits of advice would become a favorite quote, if not a mantra, and become a key theme for my career in networking.

This advice: “Be particular.”

Ms. Browne went on to call this, “The Best Advice Ever Given in the History of the Entire World.” She added that it works in all manners of decision-making, from boyfriends to finances to mixing the best margarita ever. I’d have to agree. It’s pure wisdom you can apply to just about anything you do—and it fits quite nicely with networking.

If you're not using the simple and near-genius “Be Particular” guideline, don’t be shocked if you’re not getting the excellent results you so desire.

Questions to ponder: Are you Being Particular in your networking efforts? Are you intentional and choosy about:

§ How many events you attend and how often (so you have ample time to tend to current clients and projects)?

§ The types of events you attend?

§ The groups to which you belong?

§ The way you present yourself?

§ The words you use?

§ The ways you share and showcase your talents?

§ The people with whom you spend your precious time?


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§ The requests you make of the people with whom you are connected?

§ The referrals you make?

§ The materials and information you send to your database?

§ The information you post on social media?

Try this! Be on the lookout for some of your own networking mantras. Do you have favorite quotes that can guide how you meet, connect with people, and stay in touch? Write them down, and keep them posted in your office as a visible reminder.

Chapter 39

5 rules for a happy, amazing life Years ago, after accepting one of my first professional awards, I had the opportunity to give a brief acceptance speech to those who attended the awards banquet. At that time, I wanted to share a few things that had worked thus far in my life to make me feel happy, useful to the world, driven to do good work, and hopeful for the future.

I’m sharing the basic notes from this little speech here because I still refer to the list from time to time. Here goes, with a few updates:

1. The Universal Law of Abundance. Once you believe there’s more than enough for everyone—whatever it is—you’ll relax and relieve yourself of the torment of living in scarcity. (My wise friend Jeanne Guy notes this can also be called “living in Scare City.”) Even better, you will likely attract more than your fair share of whatever it is you want. Sometimes it’s merely a matter of knowing what it is and asking for it. (That said, be careful and precise about what you ask for. Trust me, I know about this firsthand.)


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2. The Exponential Boomerang Effect. Whatever you choose to give, share, or do—good or bad—it will eventually come back to you tenfold to bless you or bite you. This includes: the amount of emphasis you spend on your faith and spiritual growth; the time and energy you put into caring for your body’s physical, mental, and emotional health; the love, attention, and time you give your family and friends; the bits of advice, support, and encouragement you share with friends and colleagues; and the support you give your community.

3. The Pleasure Principle. You have the freedom to spend your life any way you want. What’s more, life is short. (This is becoming more painfully real to me as I get older and the list of fine friends, family members, and colleagues who have passed away grows.) Why not spend your precious time doing what you love and what you’re good at? You’ll be happier, you’ll do a better job, and (this is important) you’ll be easier to live with and work with. You’ll feel fulfilled. Take the time to discover who you are, why you were put on this earth, and the nature of your unique mission.

4. The Promise of Perpetual Opportunity. Opportunities are everywhere. Learn to be open to them, how to find and recognize them, and how to take advantage of them. Figure out and ask for what you want, then tune your personal radar accordingly and pay attention. Think great stuff happens only to lucky people? Wrong. Lucky people work at being lucky, and they are good at the paying attention part.

5. The Asteroid Axiom. Whatever you choose to do in life, make an impact. A little one or a spectacular, splashy one. You choose. Dreary as it seems, try to imagine what your family, friends, and colleagues will say about you at your funeral. Live your life so you’ll be remembered in the way you’d like to be.

Questions to ponder: What rules for creating a happy, amazing life would you add to this list?

What motivates you to Live, Work, and Connect at a Higher LevelTM?


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Try this! Create your own personal manifesto—a unique collection of thoughts, quotes, or passages that guide how you live.

Chapter 40

Impact with every connection Want to know one of my favorite quotes of all time? It hangs in a frame on my kitchen wall where I can see it every day. It goes like this:

“Every experience God gives us; every person He puts into our lives is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see.”

—Corrie ten Boom

If you’ve never heard of Cornelia “Corrie” ten Boom, she aided Jews trying to escape the Nazi Holocaust during World War II and was eventually imprisoned for it. She is also known for her book, The Hiding Place, which is filled with stories of her experiences. She died on her 91st birthday in April 1983.

Here’s what I love about her quote:

1. It’s about experiences and people, which are far more important, lasting, and valuable than things.

2. It gives me a reason to believe that everything that happens to me has a purpose.

3. This, in turn, helps me keep an optimistic view, even when crummy stuff happens.

4. What’s more, it’s inspiring to think that every person I meet—whether it’s a family member, a teacher or coach, a lifelong friend, or someone I speak to only briefly and may never see again—will leave some kind of impression on me or teach me something I was meant to learn.


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5. Finally, I don’t have to question or over-analyze this phenomenon; just realize it, metabolize it, and trust the wisdom of it.

Believing all this, I find it almost tragic when people tell me they are uncomfortable (or even filled with dread) when it comes to socializing, networking, conversing, interacting with strangers, or even reaching out to people they already know. (Of course, I am guilty of this at times, too. It can be so much easier on some days to slip on my yoga pants, stay home, and keep to myself.)

Think about it: what valuable lessons are you missing out on when you avoid others or limit yourself to spending time with only your closest friends and family members?

Corrie had it right. Now leverage this wisdom. Go out into the world, reach out to people even if only to offer a friendly greeting or kind word, call a friend or colleague, and embrace that rich lessons will come your way.

Questions to ponder: Thinking about a lesson you learned or opportunity that came your way recently, who or what helped nudge this into reality for you? How did the process come about?

Try this! Create a list of the Top 10 Cool Things That Happened to You in the Past Year. Then identify the people and experiences that led you to those cool things. How can you use that knowledge to make the next year even more amazing?

Think of innovative ways to consistently make a positive impact on those around you—with every connection, every conversation, and every relationship.


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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Below is a list of the many people whose expertise, assistance, and kind support allowed this “little” project to come to fruition:

Nancy Oelklaus, a friend and advisor who, when I first began blogging, told me to not stress about it or overthink it, but simply write when I had something to say.

Janica Smith, my Author’s Assistant with The Intentional Networker and a woman who always has great ideas and keeps an eye on what’s happening in publishing.

Susan Priddy, who is not only a good friend of many years, but also an excellent writer, editor, Queen of the Readable Typeface, gentle but persistent nudger, and most of all a voice-of-reason and maker-of-sense when what we were doing looked complicated and overwhelming to me.

My attentive Peer Review Team (the people who read my manuscript and gave me honest feedback before we went into final editing): Cameron Babberney, Shelby Knight, Amy McGeady, Mike Robertson, and Ryan Willet.

Lynne Henderlong-Rhea, a talented graphic designer who adapted the cover of The Intentional Networker (originally designed by the amazing Bella Guzman) for use with this book.

David Newman, who by his generous example and thoughtful urging helped me get inspired to pull this collection together and offer it as a “gift” for my fans and followers.

Amy Hufford and Anna Elman, smart cookies who made sure my blogs saw the light of day.

My deepest thanks to all of you! I am so blessed to have you in my tribe; my Intentional Network.


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RESOURCES

The following people are mentioned throughout this book. For more information about them, please visit their websites.

Dianna Amorde www.inspiredleap.com

Daniel Arredondo www.arredondoartstudio.com

Jill Connor Browne www.sweetpotatoqueens.com

Nicholas Christakis, Ph.D. www.nicholaschristakis.net

Dr. Wayne Dyer www.drwaynedyer.com

Barbara Frederickson, Ph.D. www.positivityratio.com

Jan Goss www.civilityconsulting.com

Jeanne Guy www.jeanneguy.com

Steve Harper www.ripplecentral.com

Dan & Chip Heath www.heathbrothers.com

Melissa Lombard www.melissalombard.com

John C. Maxwell www.johnmaxwell.com

Gretchen Rubin www.gretchenrubin.com

Tim Sanders www.timsanders.com

Thom Singer www.thomsinger.com

Corrie ten Boom www.tenboom.org

Dennis Welch www.bearticulate.com


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WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING About Patti DeNucci

“[Patti] is a professional through-and-through.”

– Event Planner; Hewlett-Packard “I would recommend [Patti’s] workshop to every group as an integral part of team bonding and best practices.”

– High-Potential Leaders Workshop Participant; Microsoft

“Patti’s presentation caused a lot of buzz... [She helped] us think out of the box… People were talking about it after the sessions, on the way to the airport… A great way to end the conference.”

– Sandy Doubleday; Arizona Community Foundation “Energetic and passionate about what she does…genuine and engaging.”

─ Workshop Participant; Phillips66 “Patti DeNucci is the real deal: a brilliant, polished professional connector extraordinaire. Her wisdom takes years off the learning curve of professional socialization, and her book is a content-rich, must-have for your business-building library.”

─ Jan Goss; Corporate Etiquette & International Protocol Consultant “We are happy to give Patti the highest recommendation possible. She did a fabulous job presenting at our event, and we can’t wait to have her back!”

– Michelle Hartmann; Clinic Director/Event Planner, Dakota Valley OMS


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“Networking can be intimidating to someone who hasn’t had training or is not naturally outgoing. Patti makes it look easy and fun.”

– Samantha Young; Nurses Unlimited “[Patti] ranked as one of our top presenters, providing practical, real- world tips and techniques that can be implemented immediately.” – David Galante; Vice President of Sales, Lone Star Overnight “…Always enjoy hearing [Patti] speak and learning from her. I love her ease and vulnerability in front of people. She really connected with the students…”

– Dr. Donald Christian; Dean of the College of Business, Concordia University Texas

“Patti should be your first choice when you need guidance from a business socialization coach.”

– Jim Bagnola; President, The Leadership Group International

“Her integrity and passion are irresistible.” – Victoria Winburne; Principal & Founder, FounderCEOs

“…One of the most dynamic speakers I’ve ever had the pleasure of hearing. (Patti) has an innate ability to read the audience reaction and makes them all feel as though they are listening to a friend give some good, old-fashioned sage advice.”

– Candy Beauchamp; OffAssist LLC


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CONTACT INFORMATION Patti DeNucci Rosewall Press A division of DeNucci & Co. LLC 5114 Balcones Woods Drive 307-430 Austin, Texas 78759 [email protected] 512-970-8129 www.IntentionalNetworker.com

Twitter: @PattiDeNucci Facebook: The Intentional Networker

Hire Patti for an event To check Patti’s availability for keynotes, seminars, workshops, coaching or consulting, please send an email to [email protected]. Purchase books To purchase individual copies of Patti’s first book, The Intentional Networker, please visit amazon.com. Quantity discounts are available on bulk purchases for corporations, universities, colleges, and professional organizations. Please send inquiries to [email protected].

Sign up for the newsletter Visit our website at IntentionalNetworker.com to sign up for Patti’s e-newsletter and to receive additional tips, resources, and announcements about networking events and programs. Provide your feedback We always welcome comments, questions, and suggestions. Or maybe you’d like to share a great networking story (success or failure). Send us an email ([email protected]) or give us a call (512-970-8129).

the intentional · PDF file · 2016-10-06for Women, as well as a wide ... How is it...

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Transcript of the intentional · PDF file · 2016-10-06for Women, as well as a wide ... How is it...