The Indiscretions of Archie By P. G. Wodehouse

7/31/2019 The Indiscretions of Archie By P. G. Wodehouse

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/the-indiscretions-of-archie-by-p-g-wodehouse 1/167

TheIndiscretionsofArchie

ByP.G.Wodehouse

Itwasn'tArchie'sfaultreally.ItstruehewenttoAmericaandfellinlovewithLucille,thedaughterofamillionairehotelproprietorandifhedidmarryher--well,whatelsewastheretodo?

Fromhispointofview,thewholethingwasathoroughlygoodegg;butMr.Brewster,hisfather-in-law,thoughtdifferently,Archiehadneithermoneynoroccupation,whichwasdistastefulintheeyesoftheindustriousMr.Brewster;buttherealbarwasthefactthathehadonceadverselycriticisedoneofhishotels.

Archiedoeshisbesttohealthebreach;but,beingsomethingofanass,genuspriceless,hefindsitalmostbeyondhispowerstoplacate"theman-eatingfish"whomProvidencehasgivenhimasafather-in-law

P.G.Wodehouse

DEDICATIONTOB.W.KING-HALL

MydearBuddy,--

Wehavebeenfriendsforeighteenyears.Aconsiderableproportionofmybookswerewrittenunderyourhospitableroof.AndyetIhaveneverdedicatedonetoyou.WhatwillbetheverdictofPosterityonthis?Thefactis,Ihavebecomerathersuperstitiousaboutdedications.Nosoonerdoyoulabelabookwiththelegend--

TOMYBESTFRIENDX

thanXcutsyouinPiccadilly,oryoubringalawsuitagainsthim.Thereisafatalityaboutit.However,Ican'timagineanyonequarrellingwithyou,andIamgettingmoreattractiveallthetime,solet'stakeachance.

Yoursever,

P.G.WODEHOUSE.

CONTENTS

IDISTRESSINGSCENEINAHOTELIIASHOCKFORMR.BREWSTERIIIMR.BREWSTERDELIVERSSENTENCEIVWORKWANTEDVSTRANGEEXPERIENCEOFANARTIST'SMODELVITHEBOMBVIIMR.ROSCOESHERRIFFHASANIDEAVIIIADISTURBEDNIGHTFORDEAROLDSQUIFFYIXALETTERFROMPARKER



complained.AttheCosmopolisthingsneverwentwrong,becausehewasonthespottoseethattheydidn't,andasaresultclientsnevercomplained.Yetherewasthislong,thin,string-beanofanEnglishmanactuallyregisteringannoyanceanddissatisfactionbeforehisveryeyes.

"Whatisyourcomplaint?"heenquiredfrigidly.

ArchieattachedhimselftothetopbuttonofMr.Brewster'scoat,andwasimmediatelydislodgedbyanirritablejerkoftheother'ssubstantialbody.

"Listen,oldthing!Icameovertothiscountrytonoseaboutinsearchofajob,becausetheredoesn'tseemwhatyoumightcallageneraldemandformyservicesinEngland.DirectlyIwasdemobbed,thefamilystartedtalkingabouttheLandofOpportunityandshotmeontoaliner.TheideawasthatImightgetholdofsomethinginAmerica--"

HegotholdofMr.Brewster'scoat-button,andwasagainshakenoff.

"Betweenourselves,I'veneverdoneanythingmuchinEngland,andIfancythefamilyweregettingabitfed.Atanyrate,theysentmeoverhere--"

Mr.Brewsterdisentangledhimselfforthethirdtime.

"Iwouldprefertopostponethestoryofyourlife,"hesaidcoldly,"andbeinformedwhatisyourspecificcomplaintagainsttheHotelCosmopolis."

"Ofcourse,yes.Thejollyoldhotel.I'mcomingtothat.Well,itwaslikethis.AchappieontheboattoldmethatthiswasthebestplacetostopatinNewYork--"

"Hewasquiteright,"saidMr.Brewster.

"Washe,byJove!Well,allIcansay,then,isthattheotherNewYorkhotelsmustbeprettymouldy,ifthisisthebestofthelot!Itooka

roomherelastnight,"saidArchiequiveringwithself-pity,"andtherewasabeastlytapoutsidesomewherewhichwentdrip-drip-dripallnightandkeptmeawake."

Mr.Brewster'sannoyancedeepened.Hefeltthatachinkhadbeenfoundinhisarmour.Noteventhemostpaternalhotel-proprietorcankeepaneyeoneverytapinhisestablishment.

"Drip-drip-drip!"repeatedArchiefirmly."AndIputmybootsoutsidethedoorwhenIwenttobed,andthismorningtheyhadn'tbeentouched.Igiveyoumysolemnword!Nottouched."

"Naturally,"saidMr.Brewster."Myemployesarehonest"

"ButIwantedthemcleaned,dashit!"

"Thereisashoe-shiningparlourinthebasement.AttheCosmopolisshoesleftoutsidebedroomdoorsarenotcleaned."

"ThenIthinktheCosmopolisisaballyrottenhotel!"

Mr.Brewster'scompactframequivered.Theunforgivableinsulthadbeenoffered.QuestionthelegitimacyofMr.Brewster'sparentage,knockMr.



Brewsterdownandwalkonhisfacewithspikedshoes,andyoudidnotirremediablycloseallavenuestoapeacefulsettlement.Butmakearemarklikethatabouthishotel,andwarwasdefinitelydeclared.

"Inthatcase,"hesaid,stiffening,"Imustaskyoutogiveupyourroom."

"I'mgoingtogiveitup!Iwouldn'tstayintheballyplaceanotherminute."

Mr.Brewsterwalkedaway,andArchiechargedroundtothecashier'sdesktogethisbill.Ithadbeenhisintentioninanycase,thoughfordramaticpurposesheconcealeditfromhisadversary,toleavethehotelthatmorning.OneofthelettersofintroductionwhichhehadbroughtoverfromEnglandhadresultedinaninvitationfromaMrs.vanTuyltoherhouse-partyatMiami,andhehaddecidedtogothereatonce.

"Well,"musedArchie,onhiswaytothestation,"onething'scertain.I'llneversetfootinTHATballyplaceagain!"

Butnothinginthisworldiscertain.

CHAPTERII.ASHOCKFORMR.BREWSTER

Mr.DanielBrewstersatinhisluxurioussuiteattheCosmopolis,smokingoneofhisadmirablecigarsandchattingwithhisoldfriend,ProfessorBinstead.AstrangerwhohadonlyencounteredMr.Brewsterinthelobbyofthehotelwouldhavebeensurprisedattheappearanceofhissitting-room,forithadnoneoftheruggedsimplicitywhichwasthekeynoteofitsowner'spersonalappearance.DanielBrewsterwasamanwithahobby.HewaswhatParker,hisvalet,termedaconnoozer.HiseducatedtasteinArtwasoneofthethingswhichwenttomaketheCosmopolisdifferentfromandsuperiortootherNewYorkhotels.Hehad

personallyselectedthetapestriesinthedining-roomandthevariouspaintingsthroughoutthebuilding.AndinhisprivatecapacityhewasanenthusiasticcollectorofthingswhichProfessorBinstead,whosetasteslayinthesamedirection,wouldhavestolenwithoutatwingeofconscienceifhecouldhavegotthechance.

Theprofessor,asmallmanofmiddleagewhoworetortoiseshell-rimmedspectacles,flittedcovetouslyabouttheroom,inspectingitstreasureswithaglisteningeye.Inacorner,Parker,agrave,leanindividual,bentoverthechafing-dish,inwhichhewaspreparingforhisemployerandhisguesttheirsimplelunch.

"Brewster,"saidProfessorBinstead,pausingatthemantelpiece.

Mr.Brewsterlookedupamiably.Hewasinplacidmoodto-day.TwoweeksandmorehadpassedsincethemeetingwithArchierecordedinthepreviouschapter,andhehadbeenabletodismissthatdisturbingaffairfromhismind.Sincethen,everythinghadgonesplendidlywithDanielBrewster,forhehadjustaccomplishedhisambitionofthemomentbycompletingthenegotiationsforthepurchaseofasitefurtherdown-town,onwhichheproposedtoerectanewhotel.Helikedbuildinghotels.HehadtheCosmopolis,hisfirst-born,asummerhotelinthemountains,purchasedinthepreviousyear,andhewastoyingwiththe



ideaofrunningovertoEnglandandputtingupanotherinLondon,That,however,wouldhavetowait.Meanwhile,hewouldconcentrateonthisnewonedown-town.Ithadkepthimbusyandworried,arrangingforsecuringthesite;buthistroubleswereovernow.

"Yes?"hesaid.

ProfessorBinsteadhadpickedupasmallchinafigureofdelicateworkmanship.Itrepresentedawarriorofpre-khakidaysadvancingwithaspearuponsomeadversarywho,judgingfromthecontentedexpressiononthewarrior'sface,wassmallerthanhimself.

"Wheredidyougetthis?"

"That?Mawson,myagent,founditinalittleshopontheeastside."

"Where'stheother?Thereoughttobeanother.Thesethingsgoinpairs.They'revaluelessalone."

Mr.Brewster'sbrowclouded.

"Iknowthat,"hesaidshortly."Mawson'slookingfortheotheroneeverywhere.Ifyouhappenacrossit,Igiveyoucarteblanchetobuyitforme."

"Itmustbesomewhere."

"Yes.Ifyoufindit,don'tworryabouttheexpense.I'llsettleup,nomatterwhatitis."

"I'llbearitinmind,"saidProfessorBinstead."Itmaycostyoualotofmoney.Isupposeyouknowthat."

"ItoldyouIdon'tcarewhatitcosts."

"It'snicetobeamillionaire,"sighedProfessorBinstead.

"Luncheonisserved,sir,"saidParker.

HehadstationedhimselfinastatutesqueposebehindMr.Brewster'schair,whentherewasaknockatthedoor.Hewenttothedoor,andreturnedwithatelegram.

"Telegramforyou,sir."

Mr.Brewsternoddedcarelessly.Thecontentsofthechafing-dishhadjustifiedtheadvanceadvertisingoftheirodour,andhewastoobusytobeinterrupted.

"Putitdown.Andyouneedn'twait,Parker."

"Verygood,sir."

Thevaletwithdrew,andMr.Brewsterresumedhislunch.

"Aren'tyougoingtoopenit?"askedProfessorBinstead,towhomatelegramwasatelegram.

"Itcanwait.Igetthemalldaylong.Iexpectit'sfromLucille,sayingwhattrainshe'smaking."



"Shereturnsto-day?"

"Yes,BeenatMiami."Mr.Brewster,havingdweltatadequatelengthonthecontentsofthechafing-dish,adjustedhisglassesandtookuptheenvelope."Ishallbeglad--GreatGodfrey!"

Hesatstaringatthetelegram,hismouthopen.Hisfriendeyedhimsolicitously.

"Nobadnews,Ihope?"

Mr.Brewstergurgledinastrangledway.

"Badnews?Bad--?Here,readitforyourself."

ProfessorBinstead,oneofthethreemostinquisitivemeninNewYork,tooktheslipofpaperwithgratitude.

"'ReturningNewYorkto-daywithdarlingArchie,'"heread."'Lotsoflovefromusboth.Lucille.'"Hegapedathishost."WhoisArchie?"heenquired.

"WhoisArchie?"echoedMr.Brewsterhelplessly."Whois--?That'sjust

whatIwouldliketoknow."

"'DarlingArchie,'"murmuredtheprofessor,musingoverthetelegram."'Returningto-daywithdarlingArchie.'Strange!"

Mr.Brewstercontinuedtostarebeforehim.WhenyousendyouronlydaughteronavisittoMiamiminusanyentanglementsandshementionsinatelegramthatshehasacquiredadarlingArchie,youarenaturallystartled.Herosefromthetablewithabound.Ithadoccurredtohimthatbyneglectingacarefulstudyofhismailduringthepastweek,aswashisbadhabitwhenbusy,hehadlostanopportunityofkeepingabreastwithcurrenthappenings.HerecollectednowthataletterhadarrivedfromLucillesometimeago,andthathehadputitawayunopened

tillheshouldhaveleisuretoreadit.Lucillewasadeargirl,hehadfelt,butherletterswhenonavacationseldomcontainedanythingthatcouldn'twaitafewdaysforareading.Hesprangforhisdesk,rummagedamonghispapers,andfoundwhathewasseeking.

Itwasalongletter,andtherewassilenceintheroomforsomemomentswhilehemastereditscontents.Thenheturnedtotheprofessor,breathingheavily.

"Goodheavens!"

"Yes?"saidProfessorBinsteadeagerly."Yes?"

"GoodLord!"

"Well?"

"Goodgracious!"

"Whatisit?"demandedtheprofessorinanagony.

Mr.Brewstersatdownagainwithathud.



"She'smarried!"

"Married!"

"Married!ToanEnglishman!"

"Blessmysoul!"

"Shesays,"proceededMr.Brewster,referringtotheletteragain,"thattheywerebothsomuchinlovethattheysimplyhadtoslipoffandgetmarried,andshehopesIwon'tbecross.Cross!"gaspedMr.Brewster,gazingwildlyathisfriend.

"Verydisturbing!"

"Disturbing!Youbetit'sdisturbing!Idon'tknowanythingaboutthefellow.Neverheardofhiminmylife.Shesayshewantedaquietweddingbecausehethoughtafellowlookedsuchachumpgettingmarried!AndImustlovehim,becausehe'sallsettolovemeverymuch!"

"Extraordinary!"

Mr.Brewsterputtheletterdown.

"AnEnglishman!"

"IhavemetsomeveryagreeableEnglishmen,"saidProfessorBinstead.

"Idon'tlikeEnglishmen,"growledMr.Brewster."Parker'sanEnglishman."

"Yourvalet?"

"Yes.Ibelievehewearsmyshirtsonthesly,'"saidMr.Brewsterbroodingly,"IfIcatchhim--!Whatwouldyoudoaboutthis,Binstead?"

"Do?"Theprofessorconsideredthepointjudiciary."Well,really,

Brewster,Idonotseethatthereisanythingyoucando.Youmustsimplywaitandmeettheman.Perhapshewillturnoutanadmirableson-in-law."

"H'm!"Mr.Brewsterdeclinedtotakeanoptimisticview."ButanEnglishman,Binstead!"hesaidwithpathos."Why,"hewenton,memorysuddenlystirring,"therewasanEnglishmanatthishotelonlyaweekortwoagowhowentaboutknockingitinawaythatwouldhaveamazedyou!Saiditwasarottenplace!MYhotel!"

ProfessorBinsteadclickedhistonguesympathetically.Heunderstoodhisfriend'swarmth.

CHAPTERIII.MR.BREWSTERDELIVERSSENTENCE

AtaboutthesamemomentthatProfessorBinsteadwasclickinghistongueinMr.Brewster'ssitting-room,ArchieMoffamsatcontemplatinghisbrideinadrawing-roomontheexpressfromMiami.Hewasthinkingthatthiswastoogoodtobetrue.Hisbrainhadbeeninsomethingofa



whirltheselastfewdays,butthiswasonethoughtthatneverfailedtoemergeclearlyfromthewelter.

Mrs.ArchieMoffam,neeLucilleBrewster,wassmallandslender.Shehadalittleanimatedface,setinacloudofdarkhair.ShewassoaltogetherperfectthatArchiehadfrequentlyfoundhimselfcompelledtotakethemarriage-certificateoutofhisinsidepocketandstudyitfurtively,tomakehimselfrealisethatthismiracleofgoodfortunehadactuallyhappenedtohim.

"Honestly,oldbean--Imean,dearoldthing,--Imean,darling,"saidArchie,"Ican'tbelieveit!"

"What?"

"WhatImeanis,Ican'tunderstandwhyyoushouldhavemarriedablighterlikeme."

Lucille'seyesopened.Shesqueezedhishand.

"Why,you'rethemostwonderfulthingintheworld,precious!--Surelyyouknowthat?"

"Absolutelyescapedmynotice.Areyousure?"

"OfcourseI'msure!Youwonder-child!Nobodycouldseeyouwithoutlovingyou!"

Archieheavedanecstaticsigh.Thenathoughtcrossedhismind.Itwasathoughtwhichfrequentlycametomarhisbliss.

"Isay,Iwonderifyourfatherwillthinkthat!"

"Ofcoursehewill!"

"Werathersprungthis,asitwere,ontheoldlad,"saidArchiedubiously."WhatsortofamanISyourfather?"

"Father'sadarling,too."

"Rummythingheshouldownthathotel,"saidArchie."IhadafrightfulrowwithablighterofamanagertherejustbeforeIleftforMiami.Yourfatheroughttosackthatchap.Hewasablotonthelandscape!"

IthadbeensettledbyLucilleduringthejourneythatArchieshouldbebrokengentlytohisfather-in-law.Thatistosay,insteadofboundingblithelyintoMr.Brewster'spresencehandinhand,thehappypairshouldseparateforhalfanhourorso,ArchiehangingaroundintheoffingwhileLucillesawherfatherandtoldhimthewholestory,orthosechaptersofitwhichshehadomittedfromherletterforwantof

space.Then,havingimpressedMr.BrewstersufficientlywithhisluckinhavingacquiredArchieforason-in-law,shewouldleadhimtowherehisbitofgoodfortuneawaitedhim.

Theprogrammeworkedoutadmirablyinitsearlierstages.WhenthetwoemergedfromMr.Brewster'sroomtomeetArchie,Mr.Brewster'sgeneralideawasthatfortunehadsmileduponhiminanalmostunbelievablefashionandhadpresentedhimwithason-in-lawwhocombinedinalmostequalpartsthemoreadmirablecharacteristicsofApollo,SirGalahad,andMarcusAurelius.True,hehadgatheredinthecourseofthe



conversationthatdearArchiehadnooccupationandnoprivatemeans;butMr.Brewsterfeltthatagreat-souledmanlikeArchiedidn'tneedthem.Youcan'thaveeverything,andArchie,accordingtoLucille'saccount,waspracticallyahundredpercentmaninsoul,looks,manners,amiability,andbreeding.Thesearethethingsthatcount.Mr.Brewsterproceededtothelobbyinaglowofoptimismandgeniality.

Consequently,whenheperceivedArchie,hegotabitofashock.

"Hullo--ullo--ullo!"saidArchie,advancinghappily.

"Archie,darling,thisisfather,"saidLucille.

"GoodLord!"saidArchie.

Therewasoneofthosesilences.Mr.BrewsterlookedatArchie.ArchiegazedatMr.Brewster.Lucille,perceivingwithoutunderstandingwhythatthebigintroductionscenehadstubbeditstoeonsomeunlooked-forobstacle,waitedanxiouslyforenlightenment.Meanwhile,ArchiecontinuedtoinspectMr.Brewster,andMr.BrewstercontinuedtodrinkinArchie.

Afteranawkwardpauseofaboutthreeandaquarterminutes,Mr.Brewsterswallowedonceortwice,andfinallyspoke.

"Lu!"

"Yes,father?"

"Isthistrue?"

Lucille'sgreyeyescloudedoverwithperplexityandapprehension.

"True?"

"Haveyoureallyinflictedthis--THISonmeforason-in-law?"Mr.Brewsterswallowedafewmoretimes,Archiethewhilewatchingwith

afrozenfascinationtherapidshimmyingofhisnewrelative'sAdam's-apple."Goaway!Iwanttohaveafewwordsalonewiththis--This--WASSYOURDAMNAME?"hedemanded,inanoverwroughtmanner,addressingArchieforthefirsttime.

"Itoldyou,father.It'sMoom."

"Moom?"

"It'sspeltM-o-f-f-a-m,butpronouncedMoom."

"Torhyme,"saidArchie,helpfully,"withBluffinghame."

"Lu,"saidMr.Brewster,"runaway!Iwanttospeakto-to-to--"

"YoucalledmeTHISbefore,"saidArchie.

"Youaren'tangry,father,dear?"saidLucilla.

"Ohno!Ohno!I'mtickledtodeath!"

Whenhisdaughterhadwithdrawn,Mr.Brewsterdrewalongbreath.



"Nowthen!"hesaid.

"Bitembarrassing,allthis,what!"saidArchie,chattily."Imeantosay,havingmetbeforeinlesshappycircs.andwhatnot.Rumcoincidenceandsoforth!Howwoulditbetoburythejollyoldhatchet--startanewlife--forgiveandforget--learntoloveeachother--andallthatsortofrot?I'mgameifyouare.Howdowego?Isitabet?"

Mr.Brewsterremainedentirelyunsoftenedbythismanlyappealtohisbetterfeelings.

"Whatthedevildoyoumeanbymarryingmydaughter?"

Archiereflected.

"Well,itsortofhappened,don'tyouknow!YouknowhowthesethingsARE!Youngyourselfonce,andallthat.Iwasmostfrightfullyinlove,andLuseemedtothinkitwouldn'tbeabadscheme,andonethingledtoanother,and--well,thereyouare,don'tyouknow!"

"AndIsupposeyouthinkyou'vedoneprettywellforyourself?"

"Oh,absolutely!AsfarasI'mconcerned,everything'stopping!I've

neverfeltsobracedinmylife!"

"Yes!"saidMr.Brewster,withbitterness,"Isuppose,fromyourview-point,everythingIS'topping.'Youhaven'tacenttoyourname,andyou'vemanagedtofoolarichman'sdaughterintomarryingyou.IsupposeyoulookedmeupinBradstreetbeforecommittingyourself?"

ThisaspectofthematterhadnotstruckArchieuntilthismoment.

"Isay!"heobserved,withdismay."Ineverlookedatitlikethatbefore!Icanseethat,fromyourpointofview,thismustlooklikeabitofawash-out!"

"HowdoyouproposetosupportLucille,anyway?"

Archieranafingerroundtheinsideofhiscollar.Hefeltembarrassed,Hisfather-in-lawwasopeningupallkindsofnewlinesofthought.

"Well,there,oldbean,"headmitted,frankly,"youratherhaveme!"Heturnedthematteroverforamoment."Ihadasortofideaof,asitwere,working,ifyouknowwhatImean."

"Workingatwhat?"

"Now,thereagainyoustumpmesomewhat!ThegeneralschemewasthatIshouldkindoflookround,youknow,andnoseaboutandbuzztoandfro

tillsomethingturnedup.Thatwas,broadlyspeaking,thenotion!"

"Andhowdidyousupposemydaughterwastolivewhileyouweredoingallthis?"

"Well,Ithink,"saidArchie,"ITHINKweratherexpectedYOUtorallyroundabitforthenonce!"

"Isee!Youexpectedtoliveonme?"



possibleworlds.IntheirattitudetowardsAmerica,visitingEnglishmenalmostinvariablyinclinetoextremes,eitherdetestingallthatthereinisorelsebecomingenthusiastsonthesubjectofthecountry,itsclimate,anditsinstitutions.Archiebelongedtothesecondclass.HelikedAmericaandgotonsplendidlywithAmericansfromthestart.Hewasafriendlysoul,amixer;andinNewYork,thatcityofmixers,hefoundhimselfathome.Theatmosphereofgood-fellowshipandtheopen-heartedhospitalityofeverybodyhemetappealedtohim.ThereweremomentswhenitseemedtohimasthoughNewYorkhadsimplybeenwaitingforhimtoarrivebeforegivingthewordtolettherevelscommence.

Nothing,ofcourse,inthisworldisperfect;and,rosyasweretheglassesthroughwhichArchielookedonhisnewsurroundings,hehadtoadmitthattherewasoneflaw,oneflyintheointment,oneindividualcaterpillarinthesalad.Mr.DanielBrewster,hisfather-in-law,remainedconsistentlyunfriendly.Indeed,hismannertowardshisnewrelativebecamedailymoreandmoreamannerwhichwouldhavecausedgossipontheplantationifSimonLegreehadexhibiteditinhisrelationswithUncleTom.AndthisinspiteofthefactthatArchie,asearlyasthethirdmorningofhisstay,hadgonetohimandinthemostfrankandmanlyway,hadwithdrawnhiscriticismoftheHotelCosmopolis,givingitashisconsideredopinionthattheHotelCosmopolisoncloserinspectionappearedtobeagoodegg,oneofthebestandbrightest,andabitofallright.

"Acredittoyou,oldthing,"saidArchiecordially.

"Don'tcallmeoldthing!"growledMr.Brewster.

"Eight-o,oldcompanion!"saidArchieamiably.

Archie,atruephilosopher,borethishostilitywithfortitude,butitworriedLucille.

"Idowishfatherunderstoodyoubetter,"washerwistfulcommentwhenArchiehadrelatedtheconversation.

"Well,youknow,"saidArchie,"I'mopenforbeingunderstoodanytimehecarestotakeastabatit."

"Youmusttryandmakehimfondofyou."

"Buthow?Ismilewinsomelyathimandwhatnot,buthedoesn'trespond."

"Well,weshallhavetothinkofsomething.Iwanthimtorealisewhatanangelyouare.YouAREanangel,youknow."

"No,really?"

"Ofcourseyouare."

"It'sarummything,"saidArchie,pursuingatrainofthoughtwhichwasconstantlywithhim,"themoreIseeofyou,themoreIwonderhowyoucanhaveafatherlike--Imeantosay,whatImeantosayis,IwishIhadknownyourmother;shemusthavebeenfrightfullyattractive."

"Whatwouldreallypleasehim,Iknow,"saidLucille,"wouldbeifyougotsomeworktodo.Helovespeoplewhowork."



"Yes?"saidArchiedoubtfully."Well,youknow,Iheardhiminterviewingthatchappiebehindthedeskthismorning,whoworkslikethedickensfromearlymorntodewyeve,onthesubjectofamistakeinhisfigures;and,ifhelovedhim,hedissembleditallright.Ofcourse,IadmitthatsofarIhaven'tbeenoneofthetoilers,butthedasheddifficultthingistoknowhowtostart.I'mnosinground,buttheopeningsforabrightyoungmanseemsoscarce."

"Well,keepontrying.Ifeelsurethat,ifyoucouldonlyfindsomethingtodo,itdoesn'tmatterwhat,fatherwouldbequitedifferent."

ItwaspossiblythedazzlingprospectofmakingMr.BrewsterquitedifferentthatstimulatedArchie.Hewasstronglyoftheopinionthatanychangeinhisfather-in-lawmustinevitablybeforthebetter.AchancemeetingwithJamesB.Wheeler,theartist,atthePen-and-InkClubseemedtoopentheway.

ToavisitortoNewYorkwhohastheabilitytomakehimselflikeditalmostappearsasthoughtheleadingindustryinthatcitywastheissuingoftwo-weeks'invitation-cardstoclubs.Archiesincehisarrivalhadbeenshoweredwiththesepleasantevidencesofhispopularity;andhewasnowanhonorarymemberofsomanyclubsofvariouskindsthathehadnottimetogotothemall.Therewerethe

fashionableclubsalongFifthAvenuetowhichhisfriendReggievanTuyl,sonofhisFloridahostess,hadintroducedhim.Therewerethebusinessmen'sclubsofwhichhewasmadefreebymoresolidcitizens.And,bestofall,thereweretheLambs',thePlayers',theFriars',theCoffee-House,thePen-and-Ink,--andtheotherresortsoftheartist,theauthor,theactor,andtheBohemian.ItwasinthesethatArchiespentmostofhistime,anditwasherethathemadetheacquaintanceofJ.B.Wheeler,thepopularillustrator.

ToMr.Wheeler,overafriendlylunch,ArchiehadbeenconfidingsomeofhisambitionstoqualifyastheheroofoneoftheGet-on-or-get-out-young-man-step-lively-books.

"Youwantajob?"saidMr.Wheeler.

"Iwantajob,"saidArchie.

Mr.Wheelerconsumedeightfriedpotatoesinquicksuccession.Hewasanabletrencherman.

"Ialwayslookedonyouasoneofourleadingliliesofthefield,"hesaid."Whythisanxietytotoilandspin?"

"Well,mywife,youknow,seemstothinkitmightputmeone-upwiththejollyolddadifIdidsomething."

"Andyou'renotparticularwhatyoudo,solongasithastheouteraspectofwork?"

"Anythingintheworld,laddie,anythingintheworld."

"ThencomeandposeforapictureI'mdoing,"saidJ.B.Wheeler."It'sforamagazinecover.You'rejustthemodelIwant,andI'llpayyouattheusualrates.Isitago?"

"Pose?"



"You'veonlygottostandstillandlooklikeachunkofwood.Youcandothat,surely?"

"Icandothat,"saidArchie.

"Thencomealongdowntomystudioto-morrow."

"Eight-o!"saidArchie.

CHAPTERV.STRANGEEXPERIENCESOFANARTIST'SMODEL

"Isay,oldthing!"

Archiespokeplaintively.Alreadyhewaslookingbackruefullytothetimewhenhehadsupposedthatanartist'smodelhadasoftjob.Inthefirstfiveminutesmuscleswhichhehadnotbeenawarethathepossessedhadstartedtoachelikeneglectedteeth.Hisrespectforthetoughnessanddurabilityofartists'modelswasnowsolid.Howtheyacquiredthestaminatogothroughthissortofthingalldayandthenboundoffto

Bohemianrevelsatnightwasmorethanhecouldunderstand.

"Don'twobble,confoundyou!"snortedMr.Wheeler.

"Yes,but,mydearoldartist,"saidArchie,"whatyoudon'tseemtograsp--whatyouappearnottorealise--isthatI'mgettingacrickintheback."

"Youweakling!Youmiserable,invertebrateworm.MoveaninchandI'llmurderyou,andcomeanddanceonyourgraveeveryWednesdayandSaturday.I'mjustgettingit."

"It'sinthespinethatitseemstocatchmeprincipally."

"Beaman,youfaint-heartedstring-bean!"urgedJ.B.Wheeler."Yououghttobeashamedofyourself.Why,agirlwhowasposingformelastweekstoodforasolidhourononeleg,holdingatennisracketoverherheadandsmilingbrightlywithal."

"Thefemaleofthespeciesismoreindia-rubberythanthemale,"arguedArchie.

"Well,I'llbethroughinafewminutes.Don'tweaken.Thinkhowproudyou'llbewhenyouseeyourselfonallthebookstalls."

Archiesighed,andbracedhimselftothetaskoncemore.Hewishedhe

hadnevertakenonthisbinge.Inadditiontohisphysicaldiscomfort,hewasfeelingamostawfulchump.ThecoveronwhichMr.WheelerwasengagedwasfortheAugustnumberofthemagazine,andithadbeennecessaryforArchietodrapehisreluctantforminatwo-piecebathingsuitofavividlemoncolour;forhewassupposedtoberepresentingoneofthosejollydogsbelongingtothebestfamilieswhodiveofffloatsatexclusiveseashoreresorts.J.B.Wheeler,asticklerforaccuracy,hadwantedhimtoremovehissocksandshoes;butthereArchiehadstoodfirm.Hewaswillingtomakeanassofhimself,butnotasillyass.



afterhehadreadthisthroughtwiceinaspiritofgentleapprovalthatitoccurredtohimthatJ.B.Wheelerwasuncommonlylateatthetryst.Helookedathiswatch,andfoundthathehadbeeninthestudiothree-quartersofanhour.

Archiebecamerestless.Long-sufferingoldbeanthoughhewas,heconsideredthisabitthick.Hegotupandwentoutontothelanding,toseeiftherewereanysignsoftheblighter.Therewerenone.Hebegantounderstandnowwhathadhappened.Forsomereasonorothertheballyartistwasnotcomingtothestudioatallthatday.Probablyhehadcalledupthehotelandleftamessagetothiseffect,andArchiehadjustmissedit.Anothermanmighthavewaitedtomakecertainthathismessagehadreacheditsdestination,butnotwoollen-headedWheeler,themostcasualindividualinNewYork.

Thoroughlyaggrieved,Archieturnedbacktothestudiotodressandgoaway.

Hisprogresswasstayedbyasolid,forbiddingslabofoak.Somehoworother,sincehehadlefttheroom,thedoorhadmanagedtogetitselfshut.

"Oh,dashit!"saidArchie.

Themildnessoftheexpletivewasproofthatthefullhorrorofthesituationhadnotimmediatelycomehometohim.Hismindinthefirstfewmomentswasoccupiedwiththeproblemofhowthedoorhadgotthatway.Hecouldnotremembershuttingit.Probablyhehaddoneitunconsciously.Asachild,hehadbeentaughtbysedulouseldersthatthelittlegentlemanalwayscloseddoorsbehindhim,andpresumablyhissubconsciousselfwasstillundertheinfluence.Andthen,suddenly,herealisedthatthisinfernal,officiousassofasubconsciousselfhaddepositedhimrightinthegumbo.Behindthatcloseddoor,unattainableasyouthfulambition,layhisgent'sheather-mixturewiththegreentwill,andherehewas,outintheworld,alone,inalemon-colouredbathingsuit.

Inallcrisesofhumanaffairstherearetwobroadcoursesopentoaman.Hecanstaywhereheisorhecangoelsewhere.Archie,leaningonthebanisters,examinedthesealternativesnarrowly.Ifhestayedwherehewashewouldhavetospendthenightonthisdashedlanding.Ifheleggedit,inthiskit,hewouldbegatheredupbytheconstabularybeforehehadgoneahundredyards.Hewasnopessimist,buthewasreluctantlyforcedtotheconclusionthathewasupagainstit.

Itwaswhilehewasmusingwithacertaintensenessonthesethingsthatthesoundoffootstepscametohimfrombelow.ButalmostinthefirstinstantthehopethatthismightbeJ.B.Wheeler,thecurseofthehumanrace,diedaway.Whoeverwascomingupthestairswasrunning,andJ.B.Wheelerneverranupstairs.Hewasnotoneofyourlean,haggard,

spiritual-lookinggeniuses.Hemadealargeincomewithhisbrushandpencil,andspentmostofitincreaturecomforts.Thiscouldn'tbeJ.B.Wheeler.

Itwasnot.Itwasatall,thinmanwhomhehadneverseenbefore.Heappearedtobeinaconsiderablehurry.Helethimselfintothestudioonthefloorbelow,andvanishedwithoutevenwaitingtoshutthedoor.

Hehadcomeanddisappearedinalmostrecordtime,but,briefthoughhispassinghadbeen,ithadbeenlongenoughtobringconsolationto



Archie.AsuddenbrightlighthadbeenvouchsafedtoArchie,andhenowsawanadmirablyripeandfruityschemeforendinghistroubles.Whatcouldbesimplerthantotoddledownoneflightofstairsandinaneasyanddebonairmanneraskthechappie'spermissiontousehistelephone?Andwhatcouldbesimpler,oncehewasatthe'phone,thantogetintouchwithsomebodyattheCosmopoliswhowouldsenddownafewtrousersandwhatnotinakitbag.Itwasapricelesssolution,thoughtArchie,ashemadehiswaydownstairs.Notevenembarrassing,hemeanttosay.Thischappie,livinginaplacelikethis,wouldn'tbataneyelidatthespectacleofafellowtricklingabouttheplaceinabathingsuit.Theywouldhaveagoodlaughaboutthewholething.

"Isay,Ihatetobotheryou--daresayyou'rebusyandallthatsortofthing--butwouldyoumindifIpoppedinforhalfasecondandusedyour'phone?"

Thatwasthespeech,theextremelygentlemanlyandwell-phrasedspeech.WhichArchiehadpreparedtodeliverthemomentthemanappeared.Thereasonhedidnotdeliveritwasthatthemandidnotappear.Heknocked,butnothingstirred.

"Isay!"

Archienowperceivedthatthedoorwasajar,andthatonanenvelope

attachedwithatacktooneofthepanelswasthename"ElmerM.Moon"Hepushedthedooralittlefartheropenandtriedagain.

"Oh,Mr.Moon!Mr.Moon!"Hewaitedamoment."Oh,Mr.Moon!Mr.Moon!Areyouthere,Mr.Moon?"

Heblushedhotly.Tohissensitiveearthewordshadsoundedexactlyliketheopeninglineoftherefrainofavaudevillesong-hit.Hedecidedtowastenofurtherspeechonamanwithsuchanunfortunatesurnameuntilhecouldseehimfacetofaceandgetachanceofloweringhisvoiceabit.Absolutelyabsurdtostandoutsideachappie'sdoorsingingsong-hitsinalemon-colouredbathingsuit.Hepushedthedooropenandwalkedin;andhissubconsciousself,alwaysthegentleman,

closeditgentlybehindhim.

"Up!"saidalow,sinister,harsh,unfriendly,andunpleasantvoice.

"Eh?"saidArchie,revolvingsharplyonhisaxis.

Hefoundhimselfconfrontingthehurriedgentlemanwhohadrunupstairs.Thissprinterhadproducedanautomaticpistol,andwaspointingitinatruculentmannerathishead.Archiestaredathishost,andhishoststaredathim.

"Putyourhandsup,"hesaid.

"Oh,right-o!Absolutely!"saidArchie."ButImeantosay--"

Theotherwasdrinkinghiminwithconsiderableastonishment.Archie'scostumeseemedtohavemadeapowerfulimpressionuponhim.

"Whothedevilareyou?"heenquired.

"Me?Oh,myname's--"

"Nevermindyourname.Whatareyoudoinghere?"



"Well,asamatteroffact,IpoppedintoaskifImightuseyour'phone.Yousee--"

Acertainreliefseemedtotempertheausterityoftheother'sgaze.Asavisitor,Archie,thoughsurprising,seemedtobebetterthanhehadexpected.

"Idon'tknowwhattodowithyou,"hesaid,meditatively.

"Ifyou'djustletmetoddletothe'phone--"

"Likely!"saidtheman.Heappearedtoreachadecision."Here,gointothatroom."

Heindicatedwithajerkofhisheadtheopendoorofwhatwasapparentlyabedroomatthefartherendofthestudio.

"Itakeit,"saidArchie,chattily,"thatallthismayseemtoyounotalittlerummy."

"Geton!"

"Iwasonlysaying--"

"Well,Ihaven'ttimetolisten.Getamoveon!"

ThebedroomwasinastateofuntidinesswhicheclipsedanythingwhichArchiehadeverwitnessed.Theotherappearedtobemovinghouse.Bed,furniture,andfloorwerecoveredwitharticlesofclothing.AsilkshirtwreatheditselfaboutArchie'sanklesashestoodgaping,and,ashemovedfartherintotheroom,hispathwaspavedwithtiesandcollars.

"Sitdown!"saidElmerM.Moon,abruptly.

"Right-o!Thanks,"saidArchie,"Isupposeyouwouldn'tlikemeto

explain,andwhatnot,what?"

"No!"saidMr.Moon."Ihaven'tgotyoursparetime.Putyourhandsbehindthatchair."

Archiedidso,andfoundthemimmediatelysecuredbywhatfeltlikeasilktie.Hisassiduoushostthenproceededtofastenhisanklesinalikemanner.Thisdone,heseemedtofeelthathehaddoneallthatwasrequiredofhim,andhereturnedtothepackingofalargesuitcasewhichstoodbythewindow.

"Isay!"saidArchie.

Mr.Moon,withtheairofamanwhohasrememberedsomethingwhichhehadoverlooked,shovedasockinhisguest'smouthandresumedhispacking.Hewaswhatmightbecalledanimpressionistpacker.Hisaimappearedtobespeedratherthanneatness.Hebundledhisbelongingsin,closedthebagwithsomedifficulty,and,steppingtothewindow,openedit.Thenheclimbedoutontothefire-escape,draggedthesuit-caseafterhim,andwasgone.

Archie,leftalone,addressedhimselftothetaskoffreeinghisprisonedlimbs.Thejobprovedmucheasierthanhehadexpected.Mr.



Moon,thathustler,hadwroughtforthemoment,notforalltime.Apracticalman,hehadbeencontenttokeephisvisitorshackledmerelyforsuchaperiodaswouldpermithimtomakehisescapeunhindered.InlessthantenminutesArchie,afteragooddealofsnake-likewrithing,waspleasedtodiscoverthatthethingummyattachedtohiswristshadloosenedsufficientlytoenablehimtousehishands.Heuntiedhimselfandgotup.

Henowbegantotellhimselfthatoutofevilcomethgood.HisencounterwiththeelusiveMr.Moonhadnotbeenanagreeableone,butithadhadthissolidadvantage,thatithadlefthimrightinthemiddleofagreatmanyclothes.AndMr.Moon,whateverhismoraldefects,hadtheoneexcellentqualityoftakingaboutthesamesizeashimself.Archie,castingacovetouseyeuponatweedsuitwhichlayonthebed,wasonthepointofclimbingintothetrouserswhenontheouterdoorofthestudiotheresoundedaforcefulknocking.

"Openuphere!"

CHAPTERVI.THEBOMB

Archieboundedsilentlyoutintotheotherroomandstoodlisteningtensely.Hewasnotanaturallyquerulousman,buthedidfeelatthispointthatFatewaspickingonhimwithasomewhatundueseverity.

"Inth'nameavth'Law!"

Therearetimeswhenthebestofusloseourheads.AtthisjunctureArchieshouldundoubtedlyhavegonetothedoor,openedit,explainedhispresenceinafewwell-chosenwords,andgenerallyhavepassedthewholethingoffwithreadytact.Butthethoughtofconfrontingaposseofpoliceinhispresentcostumecausedhimtolookearnestlyabouthimforahiding-place.

Upagainstthefartherwallwasasetteewithahigh,archingback,whichmighthavebeenputthereforthatspecialpurpose.Heinsertedhimselfbehindthis,justasasplinteringcrashannouncedthattheLaw,havinggonethroughtheformalityofknockingwithitsknuckles,wasnowgettingbusywithanaxe.Amomentlaterthedoorhadgivenway,andtheroomwasfulloftramplingfeet.Archiewedgedhimselfagainstthewallwiththequietconcentrationofaclamnestlinginitsshell,andhopedforthebest.

ItseemedtohimthathisimmediatefuturedependedforbetterorforworseentirelyonthenativeintelligenceoftheForce.Iftheywerethebright,alertmenhehopedtheywere,theywouldseeallthatjunkin

thebedroomand,deducingfromitthattheirquarryhadstoodnotupontheorderofhisgoingbuthadhoppedit,wouldnotwastetimeinsearchingapresumablyemptyapartment.If,ontheotherhand,theyweretheobtuse,flat-footedpersonswhooccasionallyfindtheirwayintotheranksofeventhemostenlightenedconstabularies,theywouldundoubtedlyshiftthesetteeanddraghimintoapublicityfromwhichhismodestsoulshrank.Hewasenchanted,therefore,afewmomentslater,tohearagruffvoicestatethatth'mutthadbeatenitdownth'fire-escape.HisopinionofthedetectiveabilitiesoftheNewYorkpoliceforcerosewithabound.



Therefollowedabriefcouncilofwar,which,asittookplaceinthebedroom,wasinaudibletoArchieexceptasadistantgrowlingnoise.Hecoulddistinguishnowords,but,asitwassucceededbyageneraltramplingoflargebootsinthedirectionofthedoorandthenbysilence,hegatheredthatthepack,havingdrawnthestudioandfounditempty,haddecidedtoreturntootherandmoreprofitableduties.Hegavethemareasonableintervalforremovingthemselves,andthenpokedhisheadcautiouslyoverthesettee.

Allwaspeace.Theplacewasempty.Nosounddisturbedthestillness.

Archieemerged.ForthefirsttimeinthismorningofdisturbingoccurrenceshebegantofeelthatGodwasinhisheavenandallrightwiththeworld.Atlastthingswerebeginningtobrightenupabit,andlifemightbesaidtohavetakenonsomeoftheaspectsofagoodegg.Hestretchedhimself,foritiscrampingworklyingundersettees,and,proceedingtothebedroom,pickedupthetweedtrousersagain.

ClotheshadafascinationforArchie.Anotherman,insimilarcircumstances,mighthavehurriedoverhistoilet;butArchie,facedbyadifficultchoiceofties,ratherstrungthethingout.HeselectedaspecimenwhichdidgreatcredittothetasteofMr.Moon,evidentlyoneofoursnappiestdressers,foundthatitdidnotharmonisewiththe

deepermeaningofthetweedsuit,removedit,choseanother,andwasadjustingthebowandadmiringtheeffect,whenhisattentionwasdivertedbyaslightsoundwhichwashalfacoughandhalfasniff;and,turning,foundhimselfgazingintotheclearblueeyesofalargemaninuniform,whohadsteppedintotheroomfromthefire-escape.Hewasswingingasubstantialclubinanegligentsortofway,andhelookedatArchiewithatotalabsenceofbonhomie.

"Ah!"heobserved.

"Oh,THEREyouare!"saidArchie,subsidingweaklyagainstthechestofdrawers.Hegulped."Ofcourse,Icanseeyou'rethinkingallthisprettytolerablyweirdandallthat,"heproceeded,inapropitiatory

voice.

Thepolicemanattemptednoanalysisofhisemotions,Heopenedamouthwhichamomentbeforehadlookedincapableofbeingopenedexceptwiththeassistanceofpowerfulmachinery,andshoutedasingleword.

"Cassidy!"

Adistantvoicegavetongueinanswer.Itwaslikealligatorsroaringtotheirmatesacrosslonelyswamps.

Therewasarumbleoffootstepsintheregionofthestairs,andpresentlythereenteredanevenlargerguardianoftheLawthanthe

firstexhibit.He,too,swungamassiveclub,and,likehiscolleague,hegazedfrostilyatArchie.

"GodsaveIreland!"heremarked.

Thewordsappearedtobemoreinthenatureofanexpletivethanapracticalcommentonthesituation.Havingutteredthem,hedrapedhimselfinthedoorwaylikeacolossus,andchewedgum.

"Wherejagethim?"heenquired,afterapause.



"Babcock?"hesaid."Doyouknow,thatnameseemsfamiliartome,somehow.I'malmostsureI'vereaditinthepaperorsomething."

"Ah,cutitout!"saidOfficerCassidy,disgustedly.Thetwoconstablesexchangedaglanceofausteredisapproval.Thishypocrisypainedthem."Readitinth'paperorsomething!"

"ByJove!Iremembernow.He'sthechappiewhowasarrestedinthatbondbusiness.Forgoodness'sake,mydear,merryoldconstables,"saidArchie,astounded,"yousurelyaren'tlabouringundertheimpressionthatI'mtheMaster-Mindtheyweretalkingaboutinthepaper?Why,whatanabsolutelypricelessnotion!Imeantosay,Iaskyou,what!Frankly,laddies,doIlooklikeaMaster-Mind?"

OfficerCassidyheavedadeepsigh,whichrumbledupfromhisinteriorlikethefirstmutteringofacyclone.

"IfI'dknown,"hesaid,regretfully,"thatthisguywasgoingtoturnoutaruddyEnglishman,I'dhavetakenaslapathimwithm'stickandchancedit!"

OfficerDonahueconsideredthepointwelltaken.

"Ah!"hesaid,understandingly.HeregardedArchiewithanunfriendlyeye."Iknowth'sortwell!Tramplingonth'faceavth'poor!"

"Yac'ntrampleonthepoorman'sface,"saidOfficerCassidy,severely;"butdon'tbesurprisedifonedayhebitesyouintheleg!"

"But,mydearoldsir,"protestedArchie,"I'venevertrampled--"

"Oneofthesedays,"saidOfficerDonahue,moodily,"theShannonwillflowinbloodtothesea!"

"Absolutely!But--"

OfficerCassidyutteredagladcry.

"Whycouldn'twehithimalick,"hesuggested,brightly,"an'tellth'Cap.heresistedusinth'exerciseofourjooty?"

AninstantgleamofapprovalandenthusiasmcameintoOfficerDonahue'seyes.OfficerDonahuewasnotamanwhogottheseluminousinspirationshimself,butthatdidnotpreventhimappreciatingtheminothersandbestowingcommendationintherightquarter.TherewasnothingpettyorgrudgingaboutOfficerDonahue.

"Ye'retheladwiththehead,Tim!"heexclaimedadmiringly.

"Itjustsortacametome,"saidMr.Cassidy,modestly.

"It'sagreatidea,Timmy!"

"Justhappenedtothinkofit,"saidMr.Cassidy,withacoygestureofself-effacement.

Archiehadlistenedtothedialoguewithgrowinguneasiness.Notforthefirsttimesincehehadmadetheiracquaintance,hebecamevividlyawareoftheexceptionalphysicalgiftsofthesetwomen.TheNewYorkpolice



forcedemandsfromthosewhowouldjoinitsranksanextremelyhighstandardofstatureandsinew,butitwasobviousthatjollyoldDonahueandCassidymusthavepassedinfirstshotwithoutanydifficultywhatever.

"Isay,youknow,"heobserved,apprehensively.

Andthenasharpandcommandingvoicespokefromtheouterroom.

"Donahue!Cassidy!Whatthedevildoesthismean?"

Archiehadamomentaryimpressionthatanangelhadfluttereddowntohisrescue.Ifthiswasthecase,theangelhadassumedaneffectivedisguise--thatofapolicecaptain.Thenewarrivalwasafarsmallermanthanhissubordinates--somuchsmallerthatitdidArchiegoodtolookathim.Foralongtimehehadbeenwishingthatitwerepossibletoresthiseyeswiththespectacleofsomethingofaslightlylessout-sizenaturethanhistwocompanions.

"Whyhaveyouleftyourposts?"

TheeffectoftheinterruptionontheMessrs.CassidyandDonahuewaspleasinglyinstantaneous.Theyseemedtoshrinktoalmostnormalproportions,andtheirmannertookonanattractivedeference.

OfficerDonahuesaluted.

"Ifyeplaze,sorr--"

OfficerCassidyalsosaluted,simultaneously.

"'Twaslikethis,sorr--"

ThecaptainfrozeOfficerCassidywithaglanceand,leavinghimcongealed,turnedtoOfficerDonahue.

"Oiwuzstandingonth'fire-escape,sorr,"saidOfficerDonahue,in

atoneofobsequiousrespectwhichnotonlydelighted,butastoundedArchie,whohadn'tknownhecouldtalklikethat,"accordin'toinstructions,whenIheardasuspiciousnoise.Icropein,sorr,andfoundthisduck--foundtheaccused,sorr--infrontofthemirror,examinin'himself.IthencalledtoOfficerCassidyforassistance.Wepinched--arrestedum,sorr."

ThecaptainlookedatArchie.ItseemedtoArchiethathelookedathimcoldlyandwithcontempt.

"Whoishe?"

"TheMaster-Mind,sorr."

"Thewhat?"

"Theaccused,sorr.Themanthat'swanted."

"Youmaywanthim.Idon't,"saidthecaptain.Archie,thoughrelieved,thoughthemighthaveputitmorenicely."Thisisn'tMoon.It'snotabitlikehim."

"Absolutelynot!"agreedArchie,cordially."It'sallamistake,old



companion,asIwastryingto--"

"Cutitout!"

"Ob,right-o!"

"You'veseenthephotographsatthestation.Doyoumeantotellmeyouseeanyresemblance?"

"Ifyeplaze,sorr,"saidOfficerCassidy,comingtolife.

"Well?"

"Wethoughthe'dbindisguisinghimself,thewayhewouldn'tberecognised."

"You'reafool!"saidthecaptain.

"Yes,sorr,"saidOfficerCassidy,meekly.

"Soareyou,Donahue."

"Yes,sorr."

Archie'srespectforthischappiewasgoingupallthetime.Heseemedtobeabletotakeyearsoffthelivesofthesemassiveblighterswithaword.Itwaslikethestoriesyoureadaboutlion-tamers.ArchiedidnotdespairofseeingOfficerDonahueandhisoldcollegechumCassidyeventuallyjumpingthroughhoops.

"Whoareyou?"demandedthecaptain,turningtoArchie.

"Well,mynameis--"

"Whatareyoudoinghere?"

"Well,it'sratheralongishstory,youknow.Don'twanttoboreyou,

andallthat."

"I'mheretolisten.Youcan'tboreME."

"Dashedniceofyoutoputitlikethat,"saidArchie,gratefully."Imeantosay,makesiteasierandsoforth.WhatImeanis,youknowhowrottenyoufeeltellingthedeuceofalongyarnandwonderingifthepartyofthesecondpartiswishingyouwouldturnoffthetapandgohome.Imean--"

"If,"saidthecaptain,"you'rerecitingsomething,stop.Ifyou'retryingtotellmewhatyou'redoinghere,makeitshorterandeasier."

Archiesawhispoint.Ofcourse,timewasmoney--themodernspiritofhustle--allthatsortofthing.

"Well,itwasthisbathingsuit,youknow,"hesaid.

"Whatbathingsuit?"

"Mine,don'tyouknow,Alemon-colouredcontrivance.Ratherbrightandsoforth,butinitsproperplacenotaltogetherabadegg.Well,thewholethingstarted,youknow,withmystandingonaballypedestalsort



ofarrangementinadivingattitude--forthecover,youknow.Idon'tknowifyouhaveeverdoneanythingofthatkindyourself,butitgivesyouamostfearfulcrickinthespine.However,that'sratherbesidethepoint,Isuppose--don'tknowwhyImentionedit.Well,thismorninghewasdashedlate,soIwentout--"

"Whatthedevilareyoutalkingabout?"

Archielookedathim,surprised.

"Aren'tImakingitclear?"

"No."

"Well,youunderstandaboutthebathingsuit,don'tyou?Thejollyoldbathingsuit,you'vegraspedthat,what?"

"No."

"Oh,Isay,"saidArchie."That'sratheranuisance.Imeantosay,thebathingsuit'swhatyoumightcallthegoodoldpivotofthewholedashedaffair,yousee.Well,youunderstandaboutthecover,what?You'reprettyclearonthesubjectofthecover?"

"Whatcover?"

"Why,forthemagazine."

"Whatmagazine?"

"Nowthereyouratherhaveme.Oneofthesebrightlittleperiodicals,youknow,thatyouseepoppingtoandfroonthebookstalls."

"Idon'tknowwhatyou'retalkingabout,"saidthecaptain.HelookedatArchiewithanexpressionofdistrustandhostility."AndI'lltellyoustraightoutIdon'tlikethelooksofyou.Ibelieveyou'reapalofhis."

"Nolonger,"saidArchie,firmly."Imeantosay,achappiewhomakesyoustandonaballypedestalsortofarrangementandgetacrickinthespine,andthendoesn'tturnupandleavesyoubiffingalloverthecountrysideinabathingsuit--"

Thereintroductionofthebathingsuitmotiveseemedtohavetheworsteffectonthecaptain.Heflusheddarkly.

"Areyoutryingtojoshme?I'veamindtosoakyou!"

"Ifyeplaze,sorr,"criedOfficerDonahueandOfficerCassidyinchorus.Inthecourseoftheirprofessionalcareertheydidnotoften

heartheirsuperiormakemanysuggestionswithwhichtheysaweyetoeye,buthehadcertainly,intheiropinion,spokenamouthfulnow.

"No,honestly,mydearoldthing,nothingwasfartherfrommythoughts--"

Hewouldhavespokenfurther,butatthismomenttheworldcametoanend.Atleast,thatwashowitsounded.Somewhereintheimmediateneighbourhoodsomethingwentoffwithavastexplosion,shatteringtheglassinthewindow,peelingtheplasterfromtheceiling,andsending



himstaggeringintotheinhospitablearmsofOfficerDonahue.

ThethreeguardiansoftheLawstaredatoneanother.

"Ifyeplaze,sorr,"said.OfficerCassidy,saluting.

"Well?"

"MayIspake,sorr?"

"Well?"

"Something'sexploded,sorr!"

Theinformation,kindlymeantthoughitwas,seemedtoannoythecaptain.

"WhatthedevildidyouthinkIthoughthadhappened?"hedemanded,withnotalittleirritation,"Itwasabomb!"

Archiecouldhavecorrectedthisdiagnosis,foralreadyafaintbutappealingaromaofanalcoholicnaturewascreepingintotheroomthroughaholeintheceiling,andtherehadrisenbeforehiseyesthepictureofJ.B.Wheeleraffectionatelyregardingthatbarrelofhison

thepreviousmorninginthestudioupstairs.J.B.Wheelerhadwantedquickresults,andhehadgotthem.ArchiehadlongsinceceasedtoregardJ.B.Wheelerasanythingbutatumouronthesocialsystem,buthewasboundtoadmitthathehadcertainlydonehimagoodturnnow.Alreadythesehonestmen,divertedbythesuperiorattractionofthislatesthappening,appearedtohaveforgottenhisexistence.

"Sorr!"saidOfficerDonahue.

"Well?"

"Itcamefromupstairs,sorr."

"Ofcourseitcamefromupstairs.Cassidy!"

"Sorr?"

"Getdownintothestreet,callupthereserves,andstandatthefrontentrancetokeepthecrowdback.We'llhavethewholecityhereinfiveminutes."

"Right,sorr."

"Don'tletanyonein."

"No,sorr."

"Well,seethatyoudon't.Comealong,Donahue,now.Lookslippy."

"Onthespot,sorr!"saidOfficerDonahue.

AmomentlaterArchiehadthestudiotohimself.Twominuteslaterhewaspickinghiswaycautiouslydownthefire-escapeafterthemanneroftherecentMr.Moon.ArchiehadnotseenmuchofMr.Moon,buthehadseenenoughtoknowthatincertaincriseshismethodsweresoundandshouldbefollowed.ElmerMoonwasnotagoodman;hisethicswerepoor



andhismoralcodeshaky;butinthematterofleggingitawayfromasituationofperilanddiscomforthehadnosuperior.

CHAPTERVII.MR.ROSCOESHERRIFFHASANIDEA

Archieinsertedafreshcigaretteinhislongholderandbegantosmokealittlemoodily.ItwasaboutaweekafterhisdisturbingadventuresinJ.B.Wheeler'sstudio,andlifehadceasedforthemomenttobeathingofcarelessenjoyment.Mr.Wheeler,mourningoverhislosthome-brewandrefusing,likeNiobe,tobecomforted,hassuspendedthesittingsforthemagazinecover,thusrobbingArchieofhislife-work.Mr.Brewsterhadnotbeeningenialmoodoflate.And,inadditiontoallthis,Lucillewasawayonavisittoaschool-friend.AndwhenLucillewentaway,shetookwithherthesunshine.Archiewasnotsurprisedatherbeingpopularandindemandamongherfriends,butthatdidnothelphimtobecomereconciledtoherabsence.

Hegazedratherwistfullyacrossthetableathisfriend,RoscoeSherriff,thePress-agent,anotherofhisPen-and-InkClubacquaintances.Theyhadjustfinishedlunch,andduringthemeal

Sherriff,who,likemostmenofaction,wasfondofhearingthesoundofhisownvoiceandlikedexercisingitonthesubjectofhimself,hadbeentellingArchieafewanecdotesabouthisprofessionalpast.FromthesethelatterhadconceivedapictureofRoscoeSherriff'slifeasaprismaticthingofenergyandadventureandwell-paidwithal--justthesortoflife,infact,whichhewouldhaveenjoyedleadinghimself.Hewishedthathe,too,likethePress-agent,couldgoabouttheplace"slippingthingsover"and"puttingthingsacross."DanielBrewster,hefelt,wouldhavebeameduponason-in-lawlikeRoscoeSherriff.

"ThemoreIseeofAmerica,"sighedArchie,"themoreitamazesme.Allyoubirdsseemtohavebeendoingthingsfromthecradleupwards.IwishIcoulddothings!"

"Well,whydon'tyou?"

Archieflickedtheashfromhiscigaretteintothefinger-bowl.

"Oh,Idon'tknow,youknow,"hesaid,"Somehow,noneofourfamilyeverhave.Idon'tknowwhyitis,butwheneveraMoffamstartsouttodothingsheinfalliblymakesabloomer.TherewasaMoffamintheMiddleAgeswhohadasuddenspasmofenergyandsetouttomakeapilgrimagetoJerusalem,dressedasawanderingfriar.Rumideastheyhadinthosedays."

"Didhegetthere?"

"Absolutelynot!Justashewasleavingthefrontdoorhisfavouritehoundmistookhimforatramp--oravarlet,orascurvyknave,orwhatevertheyusedtocallthematthattime--andbithiminthefleshypartoftheleg."

"Well,atleasthestarted."

"Enoughtomakeachappiestart,what?"



RoscoeSherriffsippedhiscoffeethoughtfully.HewasanapostleofEnergy,anditseemedtohimthathecouldmakeaconvertofArchieandincidentallydohimselfabitofgood.Forseveraldayshehadbeen,lookingforsomeonelikeArchietohelphiminasmallmatterwhichhehadinmind.

"Ifyou'rereallykeenondoingthings,"hesaid,"there'ssomethingyoucandoformerightaway."

Archiebeamed.Actionwaswhathissouldemanded.

"Anything,dearboy,anything!Stateyourcase!"

"Wouldyouhaveanyobjectiontoputtingupasnakeforme?"

"Puttingupasnake?"

"Justforadayortwo."

"Buthowdoyoumean,oldsoul?Puthimupwhere?"

"Whereveryoulive.Wheredoyoulive?TheCosmopolis,isn'tit?Ofcourse!YoumarriedoldBrewster'sdaughter.Irememberreadingaboutit."

"But,Isay,laddie,Idon'twanttospoilyourdayanddisappointyouandsoforth,butmyjollyoldfather-in-lawwouldneverletmekeepasnake.Why,it'sasmuchasIcandotomakehimletmestoponintheplace."

"Hewouldn'tknow."

"There'snotmuchthatgoesoninthehotelthathedoesn'tknow,"saidArchie,doubtfully.

"Hemustn'tknow.Thewholepointofthethingisthatitmustbeadeadsecret."

Archieflickedsomemoreashintothefinger-bowl.

"Idon'tseemabsolutelytohavegraspedtheaffairinallitsaspects,ifyouknowwhatImean,"hesaid."Imeantosay--inthefirstplace--whywoulditbrightenyouryoungexistenceifIentertainedthissnakeofyours?"

"It'snotmine.ItbelongstoMme.Brudowska.You'veheardofher,ofcourse?"

"Ohyes.She'ssomesortofperformingsnakefemaleinvaudevilleorsomething,isn'tshe,orsomethingofthatspeciesororder?"

"You'renearit,butnotquiteright.Sheistheleadingexponentofhigh-browtragedyonanystageinthecivilizedworld."

"Absolutely!Iremembernow.Mywifeluggedmetoseeherperformonenight.Itallcomesbacktome.Shehadmewedgedinanorchestra-stallbeforeIknewwhatIwasupagainst,andthenitwastoolate.Irememberreadinginsomejournalorotherthatshehadapetsnake,givenherbysomeRussianprinceorother,what?"



"That,"saidSherriff,"wastheimpressionIintendedtoconveywhenIsentthestorytothepapers.I'mherPress-agent.Asamatteroffact,IboughtPeter-itsname'sPeter-myselfdownontheEastSide.IalwaysbelieveinanimalsforPress-agentstunts.I'venearlyalwayshadgoodresults.ButwithHerNibsI'mhandicapped.Shackled,sotospeak.Youmightalmostsaymygeniusisstifled.Orstrangled,ifyoupreferit."

"Anythingyousay,"agreedArchie,courteously,"Buthow?Whyisyourwhat-d'you-call-itwhat's-its-named?"

"Shekeepsmeonaleash.Shewon'tletmedoanythingwithakickinit.IfI'vesuggestedonerip-snortingstunt,I'vesuggestedtwenty,andeverytimesheturnsthemdownonthegroundthatthatsortofthingisbeneaththedignityofanartistinherposition.Itdoesn'tgiveafellowachance.SonowI'vemadeupmymindtodohergoodbystealth.I'mgoingtostealhersnake."

"Stealit?Pinchit,asitwere?"

"Yes.Bigstoryforthepapers,yousee.She'sgrownverymuchattachedtoPeter.He'shermascot.Ibelieveshe'spracticallykiddedherselfintobelievingthatRussianprincestory.IfIcansneakitawayandkeepitawayforadayortwo,she'lldotherest.She'llmakesuchafussthatthepaperswillbefullofit."

"Isee."

"Wow,anyordinarywomanwouldworkinwithme.ButnotHerNibs.Shewouldcallitcheapanddegradingandalotofotherthings.It'sgottobeagenuinesteal,and,ifI'mcaughtatit,Ilosemyjob.Sothat'swhereyoucomein."

"ButwhereamItokeepthejollyoldreptile?"

"Oh,anywhere.Punchafewholesinahat-box,andmakeitupashakedowninside.It'llbecompanyforyou."

"Somethinginthat.Mywife'sawayjustnowandit'sabitlonelyintheevenings."

"You'llneverbelonelywithPeteraround.He'sagreatscout.Alwaysmerryandbright."

"Hedoesn'tbite,Isuppose,orstingorwhat-not?"

"Hemaywhat-notoccasionally.Itdependsontheweather.But,outsideofthat,he'sasharmlessasacanary."

"Dasheddangerousthings,canaries,"saidArchie,thoughtfully."Theypeckatyou."

"Don'tweaken!"pleadedthePress-agent

"Oh,allright.I'lltakehim.Bytheway,touchingthematterofbrowsingandsluicing.WhatdoIfeedhimon?"

"Oh,anything.Bread-and-milkorfruitorsoft-boiledeggordog-biscuitorants'-eggs.Youknow--anythingyouhaveyourself.Well,I'mmuchobligedforyourhospitality.I'lldothesameforyouanothertime.NowImustbegettingalongtoseetothepracticalendofthething.Bythe



way,HerNibslivesattheCosmopolis,too.Veryconvenient.Well,solong.Seeyoulater."

Archie,leftalone,beganforthefirsttimetohaveseriousdoubts.HehadallowedhimselftobeswayedbyMr.Sherriff'smagneticpersonality,butnowthattheotherhadremovedhimselfhebegantowonderifhehadbeenentirelywisetolendhissympathyandco-operationtothescheme.Hehadneverhadintimatedealingswithasnakebefore,buthehadkeptsilkwormsasachild,andtherehadbeenthedeuceofalotoffussandunpleasantnessoverthem.Gettingintothesaladandwhat-not.Somethingseemedtotellhimthathewasaskingfortroublewithaloudvoice,buthehadgivenhiswordandhesupposedhewouldhavetogothroughwithit.

HelitanothercigaretteandwanderedoutintoFifthAvenue.Hisusuallysmoothbrowwasruffledwithcare.DespitetheeulogieswhichSherriffhadutteredconcerningPeter,hefoundhisdoubtsincreasing.Petermight,asthePress-agenthadstated,beagreatscout,butwashislittleGardenofEdenonthefifthflooroftheCosmopolisHotellikelytobeimprovedbytheadventofeventhemostamiableandwinsomeofserpents?However--

"Moffam!Mydearfellow!"

Thevoice,speakingsuddenlyinhisearfrombehind,rousedArchiefromhisreflections.Indeed,itrousedhimsoeffectuallythathejumpedaclearinchoffthegroundandbithistongue.Revolvingonhisaxis,hefoundhimselfconfrontingamiddle-agedmanwithafacelikeahorse.Themanwasdressedinsomethingofanold-worldstyle.HisclotheshadanEnglishcut.Hehadadroopinggreymoustache.Healsoworeagreybowlerhatflattenedatthecrown--butwhoarewetojudgehim?

"ArchieMoffam!Ihavebeentryingtofindyouallthemorning."

Archiehadplacedhimnow.HehadnotseenGeneralMannisterforseveralyears--not,indeed,sincethedayswhenheusedtomeethimatthehomeofyoungLordSeacliff,hisnephew.ArchiehadbeenatEtonandOxford

withSeacliff,andhadoftenvisitedhimintheLongVacation.

"Halloa,General!Whatho,whatho!Whatonearthareyoudoingoverhere?"

"Let'sgetoutofthiscrush,myboy."GeneralMannistersteeredArchieintoaside-street,"That'sbetter."Heclearedhisthroatonceortwice,asifembarrassed."I'vebroughtSeacliffover,"hesaid,finally.

"DearoldSquiffyhere?Oh,Isay!Greatwork!"

GeneralMannisterdidnotseemtosharehisenthusiasm.Helookedlikea

horsewithasecretsorrow.Hecoughedthreetimes,likeahorsewho,inadditiontoasecretsorrow,hadcontractedasthma.

"YouwillfindSeacliffchanged,"hesaid."Letmesee,howlongisitsinceyouandhemet?"

Archiereflected.

"Iwasdemobbedjustaboutayearago.IsawhiminParisaboutayearbeforethat.Theoldegggotabitofshrapnelinhisfootorsomething,



didn'the?Anyhow,Irememberhewassenthome."

"Hisfootisperfectlywellagainnow.But,unfortunately,theenforcedinactionledtodisastrousresults.Yourecollect,nodoubt,thatSeacliffalwayshada--atendency;--a--aweakness--itwasafamilyfailing--"

"Moppingitup,doyoumean?Shiftingit?Lookingonthejollyoldstuffwhenitwasredandwhatnot,what?"

"Exactly."

Archienodded.

"DearoldSquiffywasalwaysrather-aladforthewassail-bowl.WhenImethiminParis,Iremember,hewasquitetolerablyblotto."

"Precisely.Andthefailinghas,Iregrettosay,grownonhimsincehereturnedfromthewar.Mypoorsisterwasextremelyworried.Infact,tocutalongstoryshort,IinducedhimtoaccompanymetoAmerica.IamattachedtotheBritishLegationinWashingtonnow,youknow."

"Oh,really?"

"IwishedSeaclifftocomewithmetoWashington,butheinsistsonremaininginNewYork.HestatedspecificallythatthethoughtoflivinginWashingtongavehimthe--whatwastheexpressionheused?"

"Thepip?"

"Thepip.Precisely."

"ButwhatwastheideaofbringinghimtoAmerica?"

"ThisadmirableProhibitionenactmenthasrenderedAmerica--tomymind--theidealplaceforayoungmanofhisviews."TheGenerallookedathiswatch."ItismostfortunatethatIhappenedtorunintoyou,my

dearfellow.MytrainforWashingtonleavesinanotherhour,andIhavepackingtodo.IwanttoleavepoorSeacliffinyourchargewhileIamgone."

"Oh,Isay!What!"

"Youcanlookafterhim.IamcrediblyinformedthatevennowthereareplacesinNewYorkwhereadeterminedyoungmanmayobtainthe--er--stuff,andIshouldbeinfinitelyobliged--andmypoorsisterwouldbeinfinitelygrateful--ifyouwouldkeepaneyeonhim."Hehailedataxi-cab."IamsendingSeacliffroundtotheCosmopolisto-night.Iamsureyou,willdoeverythingyoucan.Good-bye,myboy,good-bye."

Archiecontinuedhiswalk.This,hefelt,wasbeginningtobeabitthick.Hesmiledabitter,mirthlesssmileasherecalledthefactthatlessthanhalfanhourhadelapsedsincehehadexpressedaregretthathedidnotbelongtotheranksofthosewhodothings.Fatesincethenhadcertainlysuppliedhimwithjobswithalavishhand.Bybed-timehewouldbeanactiveaccomplicetoatheft,valetandcompaniontoasnakehehadnevermet,and--asfarascouldgatherthescopeofhisduties--acombinationofnursemaidandprivatedetectivetodearoldSquiffy.



Itwaspastfouro'clockwhenhereturnedtotheCosmopolis.RoscoeSherriffwaspacingthelobbyofthehotelnervously,carryingasmallhand-bag.

"Hereyouareatlast!Goodheavens,man,I'vebeenwaitingtwohours."

"Sorry,oldbean.Iwasmusingabitandlosttrackofthetime."

ThePress-agentlookedcautiouslyround.Therewasnobodywithinearshot.

"Hereheis!"hesaid.

"Who?"

"Peter."

"Where?"saidArchie,staringblankly.

"Inthisbag.Didyouexpecttofindhimstrollingarm-in-armwithmeroundthelobby?Hereyouare!Takehim!"

Hewasgone.AndArchie,holdingthebag,madehiswaytothelift.Thebagsquirmedgentlyinhisgrip.

Theonlyotheroccupantoftheliftwasastriking-lookingwomanofforeignappearance,dressedinawaythatmadeArchiefeelthatshemustbesomebodyorshecouldn'tlooklikethat.Herface,too,seemedvaguelyfamiliar.Sheenteredtheliftatthesecondfloorwherethetea-roomis,andshehadthecontentedexpressionofonewhohadtea'dtohersatisfaction.ShegotoffatthesamefloorasArchie,andwalkedswiftly,inalithe,pantheristway,roundthebendinthecorridor.Archiefollowedmoreslowly.Whenhereachedthedoorofhisroom,thepassagewasempty.Heinsertedthekeyinhisdoor,turnedit,pushedthedooropen,andpocketedthekey.Hewasabouttoenterwhenthebagagainsquirmedgentlyinhisgrip.

FromthedaysofPandora,throughtheepochofBluebeard'swife,downtothepresenttime,oneofthechieffailingsofhumanityhasbeenthedispositiontoopenthingsthatwerebetterclosed.ItwouldhavebeensimpleforArchietohavetakenanotherstepandputadoorbetweenhimselfandtheworld,buttherecametohimtheirresistibledesiretopeepintothebagnow--notthreesecondslater,butnow.Allthewayupinthelifthehadbeenbattlingwiththetemptation,andnowhesuccumbed.

Thebagwasoneofthosesimplebagswithathingummywhichyoupress.Archiepressedit.And,asitopened,outpoppedtheheadofPeter.HiseyesmetArchie's.Overhisheadthereseemedtobeaninvisiblemarkofinterrogation.Hisgazewascurious,butkindly.Heappearedtobe

sayingtohimself,"HaveIfoundafriend?"

Serpents,orSnakes,saystheEncyclopaedia,arereptilesofthesaurianclassOphidia,characterisedbyanelongated,cylindrical,limbless,scalyform,anddistinguishedfromlizardsbythefactthatthehalves(RAMI)ofthelowerjawarenotsolidlyunitedatthechin,butmovablyconnectedbyanelasticligament.Thevertebraareverynumerous,gastrocentrous,andprocoelous.And,ofcourse,whentheyputitlikethat,youcanseeatoncethatamanmightspendhourswithcombinedentertainmentandprofitjustlookingatasnake.



Archiewouldnodoubthavedonethis;butlongbeforehehadtimereallytoinspectthehalves(RAMI)ofhisnewfriend'slowerjawandtoadmireitselasticfittings,andlongbeforethegastrocentrousandprocoelouscharacteroftheother'svertebraehadmadeanyrealimpressiononhim,apiercingscreamalmostathiselbow--startledhimoutofhisscientificreverie.Adooroppositehadopened,andthewomanoftheelevatorwasstandingstaringathimwithanexpressionofhorrorandfurythatwentthrough,himlikeaknife.Itwastheexpressionwhich,morethananythingelse,hadmadeMme.Brudowskawhatshewasprofessionally.Combinedwithadeepvoiceandasinuouswalk,itenabledhertodrawdownamatterofathousanddollarsperweek.

Indeed,thoughthefactgavehimlittlepleasure,Archie,asamatteroffact,wasatthismomentgettingabout--includingwar-tax--twodollarsandseventy-fivecentsworthofthegreatemotionalstarfornothing.For,havingtreatedhimgratistothelookofhorrorandfury,shenowmovedtowardshimwiththesinuouswalkandspokeinthetonewhichsheseldompermittedherselftousebeforethecurtainofacttwo,unlesstherewasawhaleofasituationthatcalledforitinactone.

"Thief!"

Itwasthewayshesaidit.

Archiestaggeredbackwardsasthoughhehadbeenhitbetweentheeyes,fellthroughtheopendoorofhisroom,kickedittowithaflyingfoot,andcollapsedonthebed.Peter,thesnake,whohadfallenonthefloorwithasquashysound,lookedsurprisedandpainedforamoment;then,beingaphilosopheratheart,cheeredupandbeganhuntingforfliesunderthebureau.

CHAPTERVIII.ADISTURBEDNIGHTFORDEAROLDSQUIFFY

Perilsharpenstheintellect.Archie'smindasaruleworkedinratheralanguidandrestfulsortofway,butnowitgotgoingwitharushandawhir.Heglaredroundtheroom.Hehadneverseenaroomsodevoidofsatisfactorycover.Andthentherecametohimascheme,aruse.Itofferedachanceofescape.Itwas,indeed,abitofallright.

Peter,thesnake,loafingcontentedlyaboutthecarpet,foundhimselfseizedbywhattheEncyclopaediacallsthe"distensiblegullet"andlookedupreproachfully.Thenextmomenthewasinhisbagagain;andArchie,boundingsilentlyintothebathroom,wastearingthecordoffhisdressing-gown.

Therecameabangingatthedoor.Avoicespokesternly.Amasculinevoicethistime.

"Say!Openthisdoor!"

Archierapidlyattachedthedressing-gowncordtothehandleofthebag,leapedtothewindow,openedit,tiedthecordtoaprojectingpieceofirononthesill,loweredPeterandthebagintothedepths,andclosedthewindowagain.Thewholeaffairtookbutafewseconds.Generalshavereceivedthethanksoftheirnationsfordisplayinglessresourceonthe



fieldofbattle.

Heopenedthe-door.Outsidestoodthebereavedwoman,andbesideherabullet-headedgentlemanwithabowlerhatonthebackofhishead,inwhomArchierecognisedthehoteldetective.

ThehoteldetectivealsorecognisedArchie,andthesterncastofhisfeaturesrelaxed.Heevensmiledarustybutpropitiatorysmile.Heimagined--erroneously--thatArchie,beingtheson-in-lawoftheownerofthehotel,hadapullwiththatgentleman;andheresolvedtoproceedwarilylesthejeopardisehisjob.

"Why,Mr.Moffam!"hesaid,apologetically."Ididn'tknowitwasyouIwasdisturbing."

"Alwaysgladtohaveachat,"saidArchie,cordially."Whatseemstobethetrouble?"

"Mysnake!"criedthequeenoftragedy."Whereismysnake?"

Archie,lookedatthedetective.ThedetectivelookedatArchie.

"Thislady,"saidthedetective,withadrylittlecough,"thinkshersnakeisinyourroom,Mr.Moffam."

"Snake?"

"Snake'swhattheladysaid."

"Mysnake!MyPeter!"Mme.Brudowska'svoiceshookwithemotion."Heishere--hereinthisroom."

Archieshookhishead.

"Nosnakeshere!Absolutelynot!IremembernoticingwhenIcamein."

"Thesnakeishere--hereinthisroom.Thismanhaditinabag!Isaw

him!Heisathief!"

"Easy,ma'am!"protestedthedetective."Goeasy!Thisgentlemanistheboss'sson-in-law."

"Icarenotwhoheis!Hehasmysnake!Here--'hereinthisroom!"

"Mr.Moffamwouldn'tgoroundstealingsnakes."

"Rathernot,"saidArchie."Neverstoleasnakeinmylife.NoneoftheMoffamshaveevergoneaboutstealingsnakes.Regularfamilytradition!ThoughIoncehadanunclewhokeptgold-fish."

"Hereheis!Here!MyPeter!"

Archielookedatthedetective.ThedetectivelookedatArchie."Wemusthumourher!"theirglancessaid.

"Ofcourse,"saidArchie,"ifyou'dliketosearchtheroom,what?WhatImeantosayis,thisisLibertyHall.Everybodywelcome!Bringthekiddies!"

"Iwillsearchtheroom!"saidMme.Brudowska.



ThedetectiveglancedapologeticallyatArchie.

"Don'tblamemeforthis,Mr.Moffam,"heurged.

"Rathernot!Onlytoogladyou'vedroppedin!"

Hetookupaneasyattitudeagainstthewindow,andwatchedtheempressoftheemotionaldramaexplore.Presentlyshedesisted,baffled.Foraninstantshepaused,asthoughabouttospeak,thensweptfromtheroom.Amomentlateradoorbangedacrossthepassage.

"Howdotheygetthatway?"queriedthedetective,"Well,g'bye,Mr.Moffam.Sorrytohavebuttedin."

Thedoorclosed.Archiewaitedafewmoments,thenwenttothewindowandhauledintheslack.Presentlythebagappearedovertheedgeofthewindow-sill.

"GoodGod!"saidArchie.

Intherushandswirlofrecenteventshemusthaveomittedtoseethattheclaspthatfastenedthebagwasproperlyclosed;forthebag,asitjumpedontothewindow-sill,gapedathimlikeayawningface.And

insideittherewasnothing.

Archieleanedasfaroutofthewindowashecouldmanagewithoutcommittingsuicide.Farbelowhim,thetraffictookitsusualcourseandthepedestriansmovedtoandfrouponthepavements.Therewasnocrowding,noexcitement.Yetonlyafewmomentsbeforealonggreensnakewiththreehundredribs,adistensiblegullet,andgastrocentrousvertebrasmusthavedescendedonthatstreetlikethegentlerainfromHeavenupontheplacebeneath.Andnobodyseemedeveninterested.NotforthefirsttimesincehehadarrivedinAmerica,ArchiemarvelledatthecynicaldetachmentoftheNewYorker,whopermitshimselftobesurprisedatnothing.

HeshutthewindowandmovedawaywithaheavyHeart.HehadnothadthepleasureofanextendedacquaintanceshipwithPeter,buthehadseenenoughofhimtorealisehissterlingqualities.SomewherebeneathPeter'sthreehundredribstherehadlainaheartofgold,andArchiemournedforhisloss.

Archiehadadinnerandtheatreengagementthatnight,anditwaslatewhenhereturnedtothehotel.Hefoundhisfather-in-lawprowlingrestlesslyaboutthelobby.ThereseemedtobesomethingonMr.Brewster'smind.HecameuptoArchiewithabroodingfrownonhissquareface.

"Who'sthismanSeacliff?"hedemanded,withoutpreamble."Ihearhe'sa

friendofyours."

"Oh,you'vemethim,what?"saidArchie."Hadanicelittlechattogether,yes?Talkedofthisandthat,no!"

"Wehavenotsaidawordtoeachother."

"Really?Oh,well,dearoldSquiffyisoneofthosestrong,silentfellersyouknow.Youmustn'tmindifhe'sabitdumb.Heneversaysmuch,butit'swhisperedroundtheclubsthathethinksalot.Itwas



rumouredinthespringofnineteen-thirteenthatSquiffywasonthepointofmakingabrightremark,butitnevercametoanything."

Mr.Brewsterstruggledwithhisfeelings.

"Whoishe?Youseemtoknowhim."

"Ohyes.Greatpalofmine,Squiffy.WewentthroughEton,Oxford,andtheBankruptcyCourttogether.Andhere'sarummycoincidence.WhentheyexaminedME,Ihadnoassets.And,whentheyexaminedSquiffy,HEhadnoassets!Ratherextraordinary,what?"

Mr.Brewsterseemedtobeinnomoodfordiscussingcoincidences.

"Imighthaveknownhewasafriendofyours!"hesaid,bitterly."Well,ifyouwanttoseehim,you'llhavetodoitoutsidemyhotel."

"Why,Ithoughthewasstoppinghere."

"Heis--to-night.To-morrowhecanlookforsomeotherhoteltobreakup."

"GreatScot!HasdearoldSquiffybeenbreakingtheplaceup?"

Mr.Brewstersnorted.

"Iaminformedthatthispreciousfriendofyoursenteredmygrill-roomateighto'clock.Hemusthavebeencompletelyintoxicated,thoughtheheadwaitertellsmehenoticednothingatthetime."

Archienoddedapprovingly.

"DearoldSquiffywasalwayslikethat.It'sagift.Howeverwoozledhemightbe,itwasimpossibletodetectitwiththenakedeye.I'veseenthedearoldchapmanyatimewhiffledtotheeyebrows,andlookingassoberasabishop.Soberer!Whendiditbegintodawnontheladsinthegrill-roomthattheoldegghadbeenpushingtheboatout?"

"Theheadwaiter,"saidMr.Brewster,withcoldfury,"tellsmethathegotahintoftheman'sconditionwhenhesuddenlygotupfromhistableandwenttheroundoftheroom,pullingoffallthetable-cloths,andbreakingeverythingthatwasonthem.Hethenthrewanumberofrollsatthediners,andleft.Heseemstohavegonestraighttobed."

"Dashedsensibleofhim,what?Sound,practicalchap,Squiffy.Butwhereonearthdidhegetthe--er--materials?"

"Fromhisroom.Imadeenquiries.Hehassixlargecasesinhisroom."

"Squiffyalwayswasachapofinfiniteresource!Well,I'mdashedsorry

thisshouldhavehappened,don'tyouknow."

"Ifithadn'tbeenforyou,themanwouldneverhavecomehere."Mr.Brewsterbroodedcoldly."Idon'tknowwhyitis,buteversinceyoucametothishotelI'vehadnothingbuttrouble."

"Dashedsorry!"saidArchie,sympathetically.

"Grrh!"saidMr.Brewster.



Archiemadehiswaymeditativelytothelift.Theinjusticeofhisfather-in-law'sattitudepainedhim.ItwasabsolutelyrottenandallthattobeblamedforeverythingthatwentwrongintheHotelCosmopolis.

Whilethisconversationwasinprogress,LordSeacliffwasenjoyingarefreshingsleepinhisroomonthefourthfloor.Twohourspassed.Thenoiseofthetrafficinthestreetbelowfadedaway.Onlytherattleofanoccasionalbelatedcabbrokethesilence.Inthehotelallwasstill.Mr.Brewsterhadgonetobed.Archie,inhisroom,smokedmeditatively.Peacemayhavebeensaidtoreign.

Athalf-pasttwoLordSeacliffawoke.Hishoursofslumberwerealwaysirregular.Hesatupinbedandswitchedthelighton.Hewasashock-headedyoungmanwitharedfaceandahotbrowneye.Heyawnedandstretchedhimself.Hisheadwasachingalittle.Theroomseemedtohimatrifleclose.Hegotoutofbedandthrewopenthewindow.Then,returningtobed,hepickedupabookandbegantoread.Hewasconsciousoffeelingalittlejumpy,andreadinggenerallysenthimtosleep.

Muchhasbeenwrittenonthesubjectofbed-books.Thegeneralconsensusofopinionisthatagentle,slow-movingstorymakesthebestopiate.Ifthisbeso,dearoldSquiffy'schoiceofliteraturehadbeenrather

injudicious.HisbookwasTheAdventuresofSherlockHolmes,andtheparticularstory,whichheselectedforperusalwastheoneentitled,"TheSpeckledBand."Hewasnotagreatreader,but,whenheread,helikedsomethingwithabitofziptoit.

Squiffybecameabsorbed.Hehadreadthestorybefore,butalongtimeback,anditscomplicationswerefreshtohim.Thetale,itmayberemembered,dealswiththeactivitiesofaningeniousgentlemanwhokeptasnake,andusedtolooseitintopeople'sbedroomsasapreliminarytocollectingontheirinsurance.ItgaveSquiffypleasantthrills,forhehadalwayshadaparticularhorrorofsnakes.Asachild,hehadshrunkfromvisitingtheserpenthouseattheZoo;and,later,whenhehadcometoman'sestateandhadputoffchildishthings,andsettleddown

inrealearnesttohisself-appointedmissionofdrinkingupallthealcoholicfluidinEngland,thedistasteforOphidiahadlingered.Toadislikeforrealsnakeshadbeenaddedamaturershrinkingfromthosewhichexistedonlyinhisimagination.Hecouldstillrecallhisemotionsontheoccasion,scarcelythreemonthsbefore,whenhehadseenalong,greenserpentwhichamajorityofhiscontemporarieshadassuredhimwasn'tthere.

Squiffyreadon:--

"Suddenlyanothersoundbecameaudible--averygentle,soothingsound,likethatofasmalljetofsteamescapingcontinuouslyfromakettle."

LordSeaclifflookedupfromhisbookwithastartImaginationwasbeginningtoplayhimtricks.Hecouldhaveswornthathehadactuallyheardthatidenticalsound.Ithadseemedtocomefromthewindow.Helistenedagain.No!Allwasstill.Hereturnedtohisbookandwentonreading.

"Itwasasingularsightthatmetoureyes.Besidethetable,onawoodenchair,satDoctorGrimesbyRylott,cladinalongdressing-gown.Hischinwascockedupwardandhiseyeswerefixedinadreadful,rigidstareatthecorneroftheceiling.Roundhisbrowhehadapeculiar



yellowband,withbrownishspeckles,whichseemedtobeboundtightlyroundhishead."

"Itookastepforward.Inaninstanthisstrangehead-gearbegantomove,andtherereareditselffromamonghishairthesquat,diamond-shapedheadandpuffedneckofaloathsomeserpent..."

"Ugh!"saidSquiffy.

Heclosedthebookandputitdown.Hisheadwasachingworsethanever.Hewishednowthathehadreadsomethingelse.Nofellowcouldreadhimselftosleepwiththissortofthing.Peopleoughtnottowritethissortofthing.

Hisheartgaveabound.Thereitwasagain,thathissingsound.Andthistimehewassureitcamefromthewindow.

Helookedatthewindow,andremainedstaring,frozen.Overthesill,withagraceful,leisurelymovement,agreensnakewascrawling.Asitcrawled,itraiseditsheadandpeeredfromsidetoside,likeashortsightedmanlookingforhisspectacles.Ithesitatedamomentontheedgeofthesill,thenwriggledtothefloorandbegantocrosstheroom.Squiffystaredon.

ItwouldhavepainedPeterdeeply,forhewasasnakeofgreatsensibility,ifhehadknownhowmuchhisentrancehaddisturbedtheoccupantoftheroom.Hehimselfhadnofeelingbutgratitudeforthemanwhohadopenedthewindowandsoenabledhimtogetinoutoftherathernippynightair.EversincethebaghadswungopenandshothimoutontothesillofthewindowbelowArchie's,hehadbeenwaitingpatientlyforsomethingofthekindtohappen.Hewasasnakewhotookthingsastheycame,andwaspreparedtoroughitabitifnecessary;butforthelasthourortwohehadbeenhopingthatsomebodywoulddosomethingpracticalinthewayofgettinghiminoutofthecold.Whenathome,hehadaneiderdownquilttosleepon,andthestoneofthewindow-sillwasalittletryingtoasnakeofregularhabits.HecrawledthankfullyacrossthefloorunderSquiffy'sbed.Therewasapairof

trousersthere,forhishosthadundressedwhennotinaframeofmindtofoldhisclothesneatlyandplacethemuponachair.Peterlookedthetrousersover.Theywerenotaneiderdownquilt,buttheywouldserve.Hecurledupinthemandwenttosleep.Hehadhadanexcitingday,andwasgladtoturnin.

Afterabouttenminutes,thetensionofSquiffy'sattituderelaxed.Hisheart,whichhadseemedtosuspenditsoperations,beganbeatingagain.Reasonreasserteditself.Hepeepedcautiouslyunderthebed.Hecouldseenothing.

Squiffywasconvinced.HetoldhimselfthathehadneverreallybelievedinPeterasalivingthing.Itstoodtoreasonthattherecouldn't

reallybeasnakeinhisroom.Thewindowlookedoutonemptiness.Hisroomwasseveralstoriesabovetheground.Therewasastern,setexpressiononSquiffy'sfaceasheclimbedoutofbed.Itwastheexpressionofamanwhoisturningoveranewleaf,startinganewlife.Helookedabouttheroomforsomeimplementwhichwouldcarryoutthedeedhehadtodo,andfinallypulledoutoneofthecurtain-rods.Usingthisasalever,hebrokeopenthetopmostofthesixcaseswhichstoodinthecorner.Thesoftwoodcrackedandsplit.Squiffydrewoutastraw-coveredbottle.Foramomenthestoodlookingatit,asamanmightgazeatafriendonthepointofdeath.Then,withasudden



determination,hewentintothebathroom.Therewasacrashofglassandagurglingsound.

HalfanhourlaterthetelephoneinArchie'sroomrang."Isay,Archie,oldtop,"saidthevoiceofSquiffy.

"Halloa,oldbean!Isthatyou?"

"Isay,couldyoupopdownhereforasecond?I'mratherupset."

"Absolutely!Whichroom?"

"Four-forty-one."

"I'llbewithyoueftsoonsorrightspeedily."

"Thanks,oldman."

"Whatappearstobethedifficulty?"

"Well,asamatteroffact,IthoughtIsawasnake!"

"Asnake!"

"I'lltellyouallaboutitwhenyoucomedown."

ArchiefoundLordSeacliffseatedonhisbed.Anarrestingaromaofmixeddrinkspervadedtheatmosphere.

"Isay!What?"saidArchie,inhaling.

"That'sallright.I'vebeenpouringmystockaway.Justfinishedthelastbottle."

"Butwhy?"

"Itoldyou.IthoughtIsawasnake!"

"Green?"

Squiffyshiveredslightly.

"Frightfullygreen!"

Archiehesitated.Heperceivedthattherearemomentswhensilenceisthebestpolicy.Hehadbeenworryinghimselfovertheunfortunatecaseofhisfriend,andnowthatFateseemedtohaveprovidedasolution,itwouldberashtointerferemerelytoeasetheoldbean'smind.IfSquiffywasgoingtoreformbecausehethoughthehadseenanimaginarysnake,betternottolethimknowthatthesnakewasarealone.

"Dashedserious!"hesaid.

"Ballydashedserious!"agreedSquiffy."I'mgoingtocutitout!"

"Greatscheme!"

"Youdon'tthink,"askedSquiffy,withatouchofhopefulness,"thatitcouldhavebeenarealsnake?"



"Neverheardofthemanagementsupplyingthem."

"Ithoughtitwentunderthebed."

"Well,takealook."

Squiffyshuddered.

"Notme!Isay,oldtop,youknow,Isimplycan'tsleepinthisroomnow.Iwaswonderingifyoucouldgivemeadosssomewhereinyours."

"Rather!I'minfive-forty-one.Justabove.Trotalongup.Here'sthekey.I'lltidyupabithere,andjoinyouinaminute."

Squiffyputonadressing-gownanddisappeared.Archielookedunderthebed.FromthetrouserstheheadofPeterpoppedupwithitsusualexpressionofamiableenquiry.Archienoddedpleasantly,andsatdownonthebed.Theproblemofhislittlefriend'simmediatefuturewantedthinkingover.

Helitacigaretteandremainedforawhileinthought.Thenherose.Anadmirablesolutionhadpresenteditself.HepickedPeterupandplacedhiminthepocketofhisdressing-gown.Then,leavingtheroom,hemountedthestairstillhereachedtheseventhfloor.Outsidearoom

half-waydownthecorridorhepaused.

Fromwithin,throughtheopentransom,cametherhythmicalsnoringofagoodmantakinghisrestafterthelaboursoftheday.Mr.Brewsterwasalwaysaheavysleeper.

"There'salwaysaway,"thoughtArchie,philosophically,"ifachappieonlythinksofit."

Hisfather-in-law'ssnoringtookonadeepernote.ArchieextractedPeterfromhispocketanddroppedhimgentlythroughthetransom.

CHAPTERIX.ALETTERFROMPARKER

AsthedayswentbyandhesettleddownattheHotelCosmopolis,Archie,lookingabouthimandrevisingearlierjudgments,wasinclinedtothinkthatofallhisimmediatecirclehemostadmiredParker,thelean,gravevaletofMr.DanielBrewster.Herewasamanwho,livingintheclosestcontactwithoneofthemostdifficultpersonsinNewYork,contrivedallthewhiletomaintainanunbowedhead,and,asfarasonecouldgatherfromappearances,atolerablycheerfuldisposition.Agreatman,judgehimbywhatstandardyoupleased.Anxiousashewastoearnan

honestliving,ArchiewouldnothavechangedplaceswithParkerforthesalaryofamovie-star.

ItwasParkerwhofirstdirectedArchie'sattentiontothehiddenmeritsofPongo.Archiehaddriftedintohisfather-in-law'ssuiteonemorning,ashesometimesdidintheefforttoestablishmoreamicablerelations,andhadfounditoccupiedonlybythevalet,whowasdustingthefurnitureandbric-a-bracwithafeatherbroomratherinthestyleofaman-servantattheriseofthecurtainofanold-fashionedfarce.Afteracourteousexchangeofgreetings,Archiesatdownandlitacigarette.



Parkerwentondusting.

"Theguv'nor,"saidParker,breakingthesilence,"hassomenicelittleobjaydar,sir."

"Littlewhat?"

"Objaydar,sir."

LightdawneduponArchie.

"Ofcourse,yes.Frenchforjunk.Iseewhatyoumeannow.Daresayyou'reright,oldfriend.Don'tknowmuchaboutthesethingsmyself."

Parkergaveanappreciativeflickatavaseonthemantelpiece.

"Veryvaluable,someoftheguv'nor'sthings."Hehadpickedupthesmallchinafigureofthewarriorwiththespear,andwasgroomingitwiththeostentatiouscareofonebrushingfliesoffasleepingVenus.HeregardedthisfigurewithalookofaffectionateesteemwhichseemedtoArchieabsolutelyuncalled-for.Archie'stasteinArtwasnotprecious.Tohisuntutoredeyethethingwasonlyonedegreelessfoulthanhisfather-in-law'sJapaneseprints,whichhehadalwaysobservedwithsilentloathing."Thisone,now,"continuedParker."Worthalotof

money.Oh,alotofmoney."

"What,Pongo?"saidArchieincredulously.

"Sir?"

"Ialwayscallthatrummy-lookingwhat-notPongo.Don'tknowwhatelseyoucouldcallhim,what!"

Thevaletseemedtodisapproveofthislevity.Heshookhisheadandreplacedthefigureonthemantelpiece.

"Worthalotofmoney,"herepeated."Notbyitself,no."

"Oh,notbyitself?"

"No,sir.Thingslikethiscomeinpairs.Somewhereorotherthere'sthecompanion-piecetothishere,andiftheguv'norcouldgetholdofit,he'dhavesomethingworthhaving.Somethingthatconnoozerswouldgivealotofmoneyfor.Butone'snogoodwithouttheother.Youhavetohaveboth,ifyouunderstandmymeaning,sir."

"Isee.Likefillingastraightflush,what?"

"Precisely,sir."

ArchiegazedatPongoagain,withthedimhopeofdiscoveringvirtuesnotimmediatelyapparenttothecasualobserver.Butwithoutsuccess.Pongolefthimcold--evenchilly.HewouldnothavetakenPongoasagift,toobligeadyingfriend.

"Howmuchwouldthepairbeworth?"heasked."Tendollars?"

Parkersmiledagravelysuperiorsmile."Aleetlemorethanthat,sir.Severalthousanddollars,morelikeit."



"Doyoumeantosay,"saidArchie,withhonestamazement,"thattherearechumpsgoingaboutloose--absolutelyloose--whowouldpaythatforaweirdlittleobjectlikePongo?"

"Undoubtedly,sir.Theseantiquechinafiguresareingreatdemandamongcollectors."

ArchielookedatPongooncemore,andshookhishead.

"Well,well,well!Ittakesallsortstomakeaworld,what!"

WhatmightbecalledtherevivalofPongo,therestorationofPongototheranksofthethingsthatmatter,tookplaceseveralweekslater,whenArchiewasmakingholidayatthehousewhichhisfather-in-lawhadtakenforthesummeratBrookport.ThecurtainofthesecondactmaybesaidtoriseonArchiestrollingbackfromthegolf-linksinthecoolofanAugustevening.Fromtimetotimehesangslightly,andwonderedidlyifLucillewouldputthefinishingtouchupontheall-rightnessofeverythingbycomingtomeethimandsharinghishomewardwalk.

Shecameinviewatthismoment,atrimlittlefigureinawhiteskirtandapalebluesweater.ShewavedtoArchie;andArchie,asalwaysatthesightofher,wasconsciousofthatjumpy,flutteringsensationabouttheheart,which,translatedintowords,wouldhaveformedthe

question,"Whatonearthcouldhavemadeagirllikethatfallinlovewithachumplikeme?"Itwasaquestionwhichhewascontinuallyaskinghimself,andonewhichwasperpetuallyinthemindalsoofMr.Brewster,hisfather-in-law.ThematterofArchie'sunworthinesstobethehusbandofLucillewaspracticallytheonlyoneonwhichthetwomensaweyetoeye.

"Hallo--allo--allo!"saidArchie."Hereweare,what!Iwasjusthopingyouwoulddriftoverthehorizon."

Lucillekissedhim.

"You'readarling,"shesaid."AndyoulooklikeaGreekgodinthat

suit."

"Gladyoulikeit."Archiesquintedwithsomecomplacencydownhischest."Ialwayssayitdoesn'tmatterwhatyoupayforasuit,solongasit'sright.Ihopeyourjollyoldfatherwillfeelthatwaywhenhesettlesupforit."

"Whereisfather?Whydidn'thecomebackwithyou?"

"Well,asamatteroffact,hedidn'tseemanytookeenonmycompany.Ilefthiminthelocker-roomchewingacigar.Gavemetheimpressionofhavingsomethingonhismind."

"Oh,Archie!Youdidn'tbeathimAGAIN?"

Archielookeduncomfortable.Hegazedouttoseawithsomethingofembarrassment.

"Well,asamatteroffact,oldthing,tobeabsolutelyfrank,I,asitwere,did!"

"Notbadly?"



"Well,yes!IratherfancyIputitacrosshimwithsomevimandnotalittleemphasis.Tobeperfectlyaccurate,Ilickedhimbytenandeight."

"Butyoupromisedmeyouwouldlethimbeatyouto-day.Youknowhowpleaseditwouldhavemadehim."

"Iknow.But,lightofmysoul,haveyouanyideahowdasheddifficultitistogetbeatenbyyourfestiveparentatgolf?"

"Oh,well!"Lucillesighed."Itcan'tbehelped,Isuppose."Shefeltinthepocketofhersweater."Oh,there'saletterforyou.I'vejustbeentofetchthemail.Idon'tknowwhoitcanbefrom.Thehandwritinglookslikeavampire's.Kindofscrawly."

Archieinspectedtheenvelope.Itprovidednosolution.

"That'srummy!Whocouldbewritingtome?"

"Openitandsee."

"Dashedbrightscheme!Iwill,HerbertParker.WhothedeuceisHerbertParker?"

"Parker?Father'svalet'snamewasParker.Theonehedismissedwhenhefoundhewaswearinghisshirts."

"Doyoumeantosayanyreasonablechappiewouldwillinglywearthesortofshirtsyourfather--?Imeantosay,theremusthavebeensomemistake."

"Doreadtheletter.Iexpecthewantstouseyourinfluencewithfathertohavehimtakenback."

"MYinfluence?WithyourFATHER?Well,I'mdashed.SanguinesortofJohnny,ifhedoes.Well,here'swhathesays.Ofcourse,IrememberjollyoldParkernow--greatpalofmine."

DearSir,--Itissometimesincetheundersignedhadthehonourofconversingwithyou,butIamrespectfullytrustingthatyoumayrecallmetomindwhenImentionthatuntilrecentlyIservedMr.Brewster,yourfather-in-law,inthecapacityofvalet.Owingtoanunfortunatemisunderstanding,Iwasdismissedfromthatpositionandamnowtemporarilyoutofajob."HowartthoufallenfromHeaven,OLucifer,sonofthemorning!"(Isaiahxiv.12.)

"Youknow,"saidArchie,admiringly,"thisbirdishotstuff!Imeantosayhewritesdashedwell."

Itisnot,however,withmyownaffairsthatIdesiretotroubleyou,dearsir.IhavelittledoubtthatallwillbewellwithmeandthatIshallnotfalllikeasparrowtotheground."Ihavebeenyoungandnowamold;yethaveInotseentherighteousforsaken,norhisseedbeggingbread"(Psalmsxxxvii.25).Myobjectinwritingtoyouisasfollows.YoumayrecallthatIhadthepleasureofmeetingyouonemorninginMr.Brewster'ssuite,whenwehadaninterestingtalkonthesubjectofMr.B.'sobjetsd'art.Youmayrecallbeingparticularlyinterestedinasmall



chinafigure.Toassistyourmemory,thefiguretowhichIalludeistheonewhichyouwhimsicallyreferredtoasPongo.Iinformedyou,ifyouremember,that,couldtheaccompanyingfigurebesecured,thepairwouldbeextremelyvaluable.

Iamgladtosay,dearsir?thatthishasnowtranspired,andisonviewatBeale'sArtGalleriesonWestForty-FiftyStreet,whereitwillbesoldto-morrowatauction,thesalecommencingattwo-thirtysharp.IfMr.Brewstercarestoattend,hewill,Ifancy,havelittletroubleinsecuringitatareasonableprice.IconfessthatIhadthoughtofrefrainingfromapprisingmylateemployerofthismatter,butmoreChristianfeelingshaveprevailed."Ifthineenemyhunger,feedhim;ifhethirst,givehimdrink;forinsodoingthoushaltheapcoalsoffireonhishead"(Romansxii.20).Nor,Imustconfess,amIaltogetheruninfluencedbythethoughtthatmyactioninthismattermayconceivablyleadtoMr.B.consentingtoforgetthepastandtoreinstatemeinmyformerposition.However,IamconfidentthatIcanleavethistohisgoodfeeling.

Iremain,respectfullyyours,HerbertParker.

Lucilleclappedherhands.

"Howsplendid!Fatherwillbepleased!"

"Yes.FriendParkerhascertainlyfoundawaytomaketheolddadfondofhim.WishIcould!"

"Butyoucan,silly!He'llbedelightedwhenyoushowhimthatletter."

"Yes,withParker.OldHerb.Parker'sistheneckhe'llfallon--notmine."

Lucillereflected.

"Iwish--"shebegan.Shestopped.Hereyeslitup."Oh,Archie,darling,I'vegotanidea!"

"Decantit."

"Whydon'tyouslipuptoNewYorkto-morrowandbuythething,andgiveittofatherasasurprise?"

Archiepattedherhandkindly.Hehatedtospoilhergirlishday-dreams.

"Yes,"hesaid."Butreflect,queenofmyheart!Ihaveatthemomentofgoingtopressjusttwodollarsfiftyinspecie,whichItookoffyourfatherthisafter-noon.Wewereplayingtwenty-fivecentsaHole.

Hecougheditupwithoutenthusiasm--infact,withanastyhackingsound--butI'vegotit.Butthat'sallIhavegot."

"That'sallright.Youcanpawnthatringandthatbraceletofmine."

"Oh,Isay,what!Popthefamilyjewels?"

"Onlyforadayortwo.Ofcourse,onceyou'vegotthething,fatherwillpayusback.Hewouldgiveyouallthemoneyweaskedhimfor,ifheknewwhatitwasfor.ButIwanttosurprisehim.Andifyouwereto



gotohimandaskhimforathousanddollarswithouttellinghimwhatitwasfor,hemightrefuse."

"Hemight!"saidArchie."Hemight!"

"Itallworksoutsplendidly.To-morrow'stheInvitationHandicap,andfather'sbeenlookingforwardtoitforweeks.He'dhatetohavetogouptotownhimselfandnotplayinit.Butyoucanslipupandslipbackwithouthisknowinganythingaboutit."

Archiepondered.

"Itsoundsaripescheme.Yes,ithasalltheear-marksofasomewhatfruitywheeze!ByJove,itISafruitywheeze!It'sanegg!"

"Anegg?"

"Goodegg,youknow.Halloa,here'sapostscript.Ididn'tseeit."

P.S.--IshouldbegladifyouwouldconveymymostcordialrespectstoMrs.Moffam.WillyoualsoinformherthatIchancedtomeetMr.WilliamthismorningonBroadway,justofftheboat.Hedesiredmetosendhisregardsandtosaythathewouldbejoiningyouat

Brookportinthecourseofadayorso.Mr.B.willbepleasedtohavehimback."Awisesonmakethagladfather"(Proverbsx.1).

"Who'sMr.William?"askedArchie.

"MybrotherBill,ofcourse.I'vetoldyouallabouthim."

"Ohyes,ofcourse.YourbrotherBill.RummytothinkI'vegotabrother-in-lawI'veneverseen."

"Yousee,wemarriedsosuddenly.Whenwemarried,BillwasinYale."

"GoodGod!Whatfor?"

"Notjail,silly.Yale.Theuniversity."

"Oh,ah,yes."

"ThenhewentovertoEuropeforatriptobroadenhismind.Youmustlookhimupto-morrowwhenyougetbacktoNewYork.He'ssuretobeathisclub."

"I'llmakeapointofit.Well,voteofthankstogoodoldParker!ThisreallydoesbegintolooklikethepointinmycareerwhereIstarttohaveyourforbiddingoldparenteatingoutofmyhand."

"Yes,it'sanegg,isn'tit!"

"Queenofmysoul,"saidArchieenthusiastically,"it'sanomelette!"

ThebusinessnegotiationsinconnectionwiththebraceletandtheringoccupiedArchieonhisarrivalinNewYorktoanextentwhichmadeitimpossibleforhimtocallonBrotherBillbeforelunch.Hedecidedtopostponetheaffectingmeetingofbrothers-in-lawtoamoreconvenientseason,andmadehiswaytohisfavouritetableattheCosmopolis



grill-roomforabiteoflunchpreliminarytothefatiguesofthesale.HefoundSalvatorehoveringaboutasusual,andinstructedhimtocometotherescuewithaminutesteak.

Salvatorewasthedark,sinister-lookingwaiterwhoattended,amongothertables,totheoneatthefarendofthegrill-roomatwhichArchieusuallysat.ForseveralweeksArchie'sconversationswiththeotherhaddealtexclusivelywiththebilloffareanditscontents;butgraduallyhehadfoundhimselfbecomingmorepersonal.Evenbeforethewaranditsdemocratisinginfluences,ArchiehadalwayslackedthatreservewhichcharacterisesmanyBritons;andsincethewarhehadlookedonnearlyeveryonehemetasabrother.Longsince,throughthemediumofaseriesoffriendlychats,hehadheardallaboutSalvatore'shomeinItaly,thelittlenewspaperandtobaccoshopwhichhismotherowneddownonSeventhAvenue,andahundredotherpersonaldetails.Archiehadaninsatiablecuriosityabouthisfellow-man.

"Welldone,"saidArchie.

"Sare?"

"Thesteak.Nottoorare,youknow."

"Verygood,sare."

Archielookedatthewaiterclosely.Histonehadbeensubduedandsad.Ofcourse,youdon'texpectawaitertobeamalloverhisfaceandgivethreerousingcheerssimplybecauseyouhaveaskedhimtobringyouaminutesteak,butstilltherewassomethingaboutSalvatore'smannerthatdisturbedArchie.Themanappearedtohavethepip.Whetherhewasmerelyhomesickandbroodingonthelostdelightsofhissunnynativeland,orwhetherhistroublewasmoredefinite,couldonlybeascertainedbyenquiry.SoArchieenquired.

"What'sthematter,laddie?"hesaidsympathetically."Somethingonyourmind?"

"Sare?"

"Isay,thereseemstobesomethingonyourmind.What'sthetrouble?"

Thewaitershruggedhisshoulders,asifindicatinganunwillingnesstoinflicthisgrievancesononeofthetippingclasses.

"Comeon!"persistedArchieencouragingly."Allpalshere.Bargealone,oldthing,andlet'shaveit."

Salvatore,thusadmonished,proceededinahurriedundertone--withoneeyeontheheadwaiter--tolaybarehissoul.Whathesaidwasnotverycoherent,butArchiecouldmakeoutenoughofittogatherthatitwasa

sadstoryofexcessivehoursandinsufficientpay.Hemusedawhile.Thewaiter'shardcasetouchedhim.

"I'lltellyouwhat,"hesaidatlast."WhenjollyoldBrewsterconiesbacktotown--he'sawayjustnow--I'lltakeyoualongtohimandwe'llbeardtheoldboyinhisden.I'llintroduceyou,andyougetthatextractfromItalianopera-offyourchestwhichyou'vejustbeensingingtome,andyou'llfindit'llbeallright.Heisn'twhatyoumightcalloneofmygreatestadmirers,buteverybodysayshe'sasquaresortofcoveandhe'llseeyouaren'tsnootered.Andnow,laddie,touchingthe



matterofthatsteak."

Thewaiterdisappeared,greatlycheered,andArchie,turning,perceivedthathisfriendReggievanTuylwasenteringtheroom.Hewavedtohimtojoinhistable.HelikedReggie,anditalsooccurredtohimthatamanoftheworldliketheheirofthevanTuyls,whohadbeenpoppingaboutNewYorkforyears,mightbeabletogivehimsomemuch-neededinformationontheprocedureatanauctionsale,amatteronwhichhehimselfwasprofoundlyignorant.

CHAPTERX.DOINGFATHERABITOFGOOD

ReggieVanTuylapproachedthetablelanguidly,andsankdownintoachair.Hewasalongyouthwitharathersubduedanddeflatedlook,asthoughtheburdenofthevanTuylmillionswasmorethanhisfrailstrengthcouldsupport.Mostthingstiredhim.

"Isay,Reggie,oldtop,"saidArchie,"you'rejusttheladIwantedtosee.Irequiretheassistanceofablighterofripeintellect.Tellme,laddie,doyouknowanythingaboutsales?"

Reggieeyedhimsleepily.

"Sales?"

"Auctionsales."

Reggieconsidered.

"Well,they'resales,youknow."Hecheckedayawn."Auctionsales,youunderstand."

"Yes,"saidArchieencouragingly."Something--thenameor

something--seemedtotellmethat."

"Fellowsputthingsupforsaleyouknow,andotherfellows--otherfellowsgoinand--andbuy'em,ifyoufollowme."

"Yes,butwhat'stheprocedure?Imean,whatdoIdo?That'swhatI'mafter.I'vegottobuysomethingatBeale'sthisafternoon.HowdoIsetaboutit?"

"Well,"saidReggie,drowsily,"thereareseveralwaysofbidding,youknow.Youcanshout,oryoucannod,oryoucantwiddleyourfingers--"Theeffortofconcentrationwastoomuchforhim.Heleanedbacklimplyinhischair."I'lltellyouwhat.I'venothingtodothisafternoon.

I'llcomewithyouandshowyou."

WhenheenteredtheArtGalleriesafewminuteslater,ArchiewasgladofthemoralsupportofevensuchawobblyreedasReggievanTuyl.Thereissomethingaboutanauctionroomwhichweighsheavilyuponthenovice.Thehushedinteriorwasbathedinadim,religiouslight;andthecongregation,seatedonsmallwoodenchairs,gazedinreverentsilenceatthepulpit,whereagentlemanofcommandingpresenceandsparklingpince-nezwasdeliveringaspeciesofchant.Behindagoldcurtainattheendoftheroommysteriousformsflittedtoandfro.



Archie,whohadbeenexpectingsomethingonthelinesoftheNewYorkStockExchange,whichhehadoncebeenprivilegedtovisitwhenitwasinamorethanusuallyfeverishmood,foundtheatmosphereoppressivelyecclesiastical.Hesatdownandlookedabouthim.Thepresidingpriestwentonwithhischant.

"Sixteen-sixteen-sixteen-sixteen-sixteen--worththreehundred--sixteen-sixteen-sixteen-sixteen-sixteen--oughttobringfivehundred--sixteen-sixteen-seventeen-seventeen-eighteen-eighteennineteen-nineteen-nineteen."

Hestoppedandeyedtheworshipperswithaglitteringandreproachfuleye.Theyhad,itseemed,disappointedhim.Hislipscurled,andhewavedahandtowardsagrimlyuncomfortable-lookingchairwithinsecurelegsandagooddealofgoldpaintaboutit."Gentlemen!Ladiesandgentlemen!Youarenotheretowastemytime;Iamnotheretowasteyours.AmIseriouslyofferednineteendollarsforthiseighteenth-centurychair,acknowledgedtobethefinestpiecesoldinNewYorkformonthsandmonths?AmI--twenty?Ithankyou.Twenty-twenty-twenty-twenty.YOURopportunity!Priceless.Veryfewextant.Twenty-five-five-five-five-thirty-thirty.Justwhatyouarelookingfor.TheonlyoneintheCityofNewYork.Thirty-five-five-five-five.Forty-forty-forty-forty-forty.Lookatthoselegs!Backitintothelight,Willie.Letthelightfallonthoselegs!"

Willie,asortofacolyte,manoeuvredthechairasdirected.ReggievanTuyl,whohadbeenyawninginahopelesssortofway,showedhisfirstflickerofinterest.

"Willie,"heobserved,eyeingthatyouthmorewithpitythanreproach,"hasafacelikeJo-Jothedog-facedboy,don'tyouthinkso?"

Archienoddedbriefly.Preciselythesamecriticismhadoccurredtohim.

"Forty-five-five-five-five-five,"chantedthehigh-priest."Onceforty-five.Twiceforty-five.Thirdandlastcall,forty-five.Soldatforty-five.Gentlemaninthefifthrow."

Archielookedupanddowntherowwithakeeneye.Hewasanxioustoseewhohadbeenchumpenoughtogiveforty-fivedollarsforsuchafrightfulobject.Hebecameawareofthedog-facedWillieleaningtowardshim.

"Name,please?"saidthecanineone.

"Eh,what?"saidArchie."Oh,myname'sMoffam,don'tyouknow."Theeyesofthemultitudemadehimfeelalittlenervous"Er--gladtomeetyouandallthatsortofrot."

"Tendollarsdeposit,please,"saidWillie.

"Idon'tabsolutelyfollowyou,oldbean.Whatisthebigthoughtatthebackofallthis?"

"Tendollarsdepositonthechair."

"Whatchair?"

"Youbidforty-fivedollarsforthechair."



"Me?"

"Younodded,"saidWillie,accusingly."If,"hewenton,reasoningclosely,"youdidn'twanttobid,whydidyounod?"

Archiewasembarrassed.Hecould,ofcourse,havepointedoutthathehadmerelynoddedinadhesiontothestatementthattheotherhadafacelikeJo-Jothedog-facedboy;butsomethingseemedtotellhimthatapuristmightconsidertheexcusedeficientintact.Hehesitatedamoment,thenhandedoveraten-dollarbill,thepriceofWillie'sfeelings.Williewithdrewlikeatigerslinkingfromthebodyofitsvictim.

"Isay,oldthing,"saidArchietoReggie,"thisisabitthick,youknow.Nopursewillstandthisdrain."

Reggieconsideredthematter.Hisfaceseemeddrawnunderthementalstrain.

"Don'tnodagain,"headvised."Ifyouaren'tcareful,yougetintothehabitofit.Whenyouwanttobid,justtwiddleyourfingers.Yes,that'sthething.Twiddle!"

Hesigheddrowsily.Theatmosphereoftheauctionroomwasclose;you

weren'tallowedtosmoke;andaltogetherhewasbeginningtoregretthathehadcome.Theservicecontinued.Objectsofvaryingunattractivenesscameandwent,eulogisedbytheofficiatingpriest,butcoldlyreceivedbythecongregation.Relationsbetweentheformerandthelatterweregrowingmoreandmoredistant.Thecongregationseemedtosuspectthepriestofhavinganulteriormotiveinhiseulogies,andthepriestseemedtosuspectthecongregationofafrivolousdesiretowastehistime.Hehadbeguntospeculateopenlyastowhytheywerethereatall.Once,whenaparticularlyrepellentstatuetteofanudefemalewithanunwholesomegreenskinhadbeenofferedattwodollarsandhadfoundnobidders--thecongregationappearingsilentlygratefulforhisstatementthatitwastheonlyspecimenofitskindonthecontinent--hehadspecificallyaccusedthemofhavingcomeintotheauctionroommerely

withthepurposeofsittingdownandtakingtheweightofftheirfeet.

"Ifyourthing--yourwhatever-it-is,doesn'tcomeupsoon,Archie,"saidReggie,fightingoffwithaneffortthemistsofsleep,"IratherthinkIshallbetoddlingalong.Whatwasityoucametoget?"

"It'sratherdifficulttodescribe.It'sarummy-lookingsortofwhat-not,madeofchinaorsomething.IcallitPongo.Atleast,thisoneisn'tPongo,don'tyouknow--it'shislittlebrother,butpresumablyequallyfoulineveryrespect.It'sallrathercomplicated,Iknow,but--hallo!"Hepointedexcitedly."ByJove!We'reoff!Thereitis!Look!Willie'sunleasingitnow!"

Willie,whohaddisappearedthroughthegoldcurtain,hadnowreturned,andwasplacingonapedestalasmallchinafigureofdelicateworkmanship.Itwasthefigureofawarriorinasuitofarmouradvancingwithraisedspearuponanadversary.AthrillpermeatedArchie'sframe.Parkerhadnotbeenmistaken.Thiswasundoubtedlythecompanion-figuretotheredoubtablePongo.Thetwowereidentical.EvenfromwherehesatArchiecoulddetectonthefeaturesofthefigureonthepedestalthesameexpressionofinsufferablecomplacencywhichhadalienatedhissympathiesfromtheoriginalPongo.



Thehigh-priest,undauntedbypreviousrebuffs,regardedthefigurewithagloatingenthusiasmwhollyunsharedbythecongregation,whowereplainlylookinguponPongo'slittlebrotherasjustanotherofthosethings.

"This,"hesaid,withashakeinhisvoice,"issomethingveryspecial.Chinafigure,saidtodatebacktotheMingDynasty.Unique.NothinglikeitoneithersideoftheAtlantic.IfIweresellingthisatChristie'sinLondon,wherepeople,"hesaid,nastily,"haveaneducatedappreciationofthebeautiful,therare,andtheexquisite,Ishouldstartthebiddingatathousanddollars.Thisafternoon'sexperiencehastaughtmethatthatmightpossiblybetoohigh."Hispince-nezsparkledmilitantly,ashegazeduponthestolidthrong."Willanyoneoffermeadollarforthisuniquefigure?"

"Leapatit,oldtop,"saidReggievanTuyl."Twiddle,dearboy,twiddle!Adollar'sreasonable."

Archietwiddled.

"OnedollarIamoffered,"saidthehigh-priest,bitterly."Onegentlemanhereisnotafraidtotakeachance.Onegentlemanhereknowsagoodthingwhenheseesone."Heabandonedthegentlysarcasticmannerforoneofcrispanddirectreproach."Come,come,gentlemen,wearenot

heretowastetime.Willanyoneoffermeonehundreddollarsforthissuperbpieceof--"Hebrokeoff,andseemedforamomentalmostunnerved.HestaredatsomeoneinoneoftheseatsinfrontofArchie."Thankyou,"hesaid,withasortofgulp."OnehundreddollarsIamoffered!Onehundred--onehundred--onehundred--"

Archiewasstartled.Thissudden,tremendousjump,thiswhollyunforeseenboominPongos,ifonemightsodescribeit,wasmorethanalittledisturbing.Hecouldnotseewhohisrivalwas,butitwasevidentthatatleastoneamongthosepresentdidnotintendtoallowPongo'sbrothertoslipbywithoutafight.HelookedhelplesslyatReggieforcounsel,butReggiehadnowdefinitelygivenupthestruggle.Exhaustednaturehaddoneitsutmost,andnowhewasleaningback

withclosedeyes,breathingsoftlythroughhisnose.Thrownonhisownresources,Archiecouldthinkofnobettercoursethantotwiddlehisfingersagain.Hedidso,andthehigh-priest'schanttookonanoteofpositiveexuberance.

"TwohundredIamoffered.Muchbetter!Turnthepedestalround,Willie,andletthemlookatit.Slowly!Slowly!Youaren'tspinningaroulette-wheel.Twohundred.Two-two-two-two-two."Hebecamesuddenlylyrical."Two-two-two--TherewasayoungladynamedLou,whowascatchingatrainattwo-two.Saidtheporter,'Don'tworryorhurryorscurry.It'saminuteortwototwo-two!'Two-two-two-two-two!"

Archie'sconcernincreased.Heseemedtobetwiddlingatthisvoluble

manacrossseasofmisunderstanding.Nothingishardertointerprettoanicetythanatwiddle,andArchie'sideaofthelanguageoftwiddlesandthehigh-priest'sideadidnotcoincidebyamile.Thehigh-priestappearedtoconsiderthat,whenArchietwiddled,itwashisintentiontobidinhundreds,whereasinfactArchiehadmeanttosignifythatheraisedthepreviousbidbyjustonedollar.Archiefeltthat,ifgiventime,hecouldmakethiscleartothehigh-priest,butthelattergavehimnotime.Hehadgothisaudience,sotospeak,ontherun,andheproposedtohustlethembeforetheycouldrally.



"Twohundred--twohundred--two--three--thankyou,sir--three-three-three-four-four-five-five-six-six-seven-seven-seven--"

Archiesatlimplyinhiswoodenchair.Hewasconsciousofafeelingwhichhehadonlyexperiencedtwiceinhislife--oncewhenhehadtakenhisfirstlessonindrivingamotorandhadtroddenontheacceleratorinsteadofthebrake;thesecondtimemorerecently,whenhehadmadehisfirstdown-triponanexpresslift.Hehadnowpreciselythesamesensationofbeingrunawaywithbyanuncontrollablemachine,andofhavingleftmostofhisinternalorgansatsomelittledistancefromtherestofhisbody.Emergingfromthiswelterofemotion,stoodouttheoneclearfactthat,betheoppositionbiddingwhatitmight,hemustneverthelesssecuretheprize.LucillehadsenthimtoNewYorkexpresslytodoso.Shehadsacrificedherjewelleryforthecause.Shereliedonhim.TheenterprisehadbecomeforArchiesomethingalmostsacred.HefeltdimlylikeaknightofoldhotonthetrackoftheHolyGrail.

Hetwiddledagain.Theringandthebracelethadfetchednearlytwelvehundreddollars.Uptothatfigurehishatwasinthering.

"EighthundredIamoffered.Eighthundred.Eight-eight-eight-eight--"

Avoicespokefromsomewhereatthebackoftheroom.Aquiet,cold,

nasty,determinedvoice.

"Nine!"

Archierosefromhisseatandspunround.Thismeanattackfromtherearstunghisfightingspirit.Asherose,ayoungmansittingimmediatelyinfrontofhimrosetooandstaredlikewise.Hewasasquare-builtresolute-lookingyoungman,whoremindedArchievaguelyofsomebodyhehadseenbefore.ButArchiewastoobusytryingtolocatethemanatthebacktopaymuchattentiontohim.Hedetectedhimatlast,owingtothefactthattheeyesofeverybodyinthatpartoftheroomwerefixeduponhim.Hewasasmallmanofmiddleage,withtortoise-shell-rimmedspectacles.Hemighthavebeenaprofessororsomethingofthekind.

Whateverhewas,hewasobviouslyamantobereckonedwith.Hehadarichsortoflook,andhisdemeanourwasthedemeanourofamanwhoispreparedtofightitoutontheselinesifittakesallthesummer.

"NinehundredIamoffered.Nine-nine-nine-nine--"

Archieglareddefiantlyatthespectacledman.

"Athousand!"hecried.

Theirruptionofhighfinanceintotheplacidcourseoftheafternoon'sproceedingshadstirredthecongregationoutofitslethargy.Therewereexcitedmurmurs.Neckswerecraned,feetshuffled.Asforthe

high-priest,hischeerfulnesswasnowmorethanrestored,andhisfaithinhisfellow-manhadsoaredfromthedepthstoaveryloftyaltitude.Hebeamedwithapproval.DespitethewarmthofhispraisehewouldhavebeenquitesatisfiedtoseePongo'slittlebrothergoattwentydollars,andthereflectionthatthebiddinghadalreadyreachedonethousandandthathiscommissionwastwentypercent,hadengenderedamoodofsunnyhappiness.

"Onethousandisbid!"hecarolled."Now,gentlemen,Idon'twanttohurryyouoverthis.Youareallconnoisseurshere,andyoudon'twant



toseeapricelesschinafigureoftheMingDynastygetawayfromyouatasacrificeprice.Perhapsyoucan'tallseethefigurewhereitis.Willie,takeitroundandshowitto'em.We'lltakealittleintermissionwhileyoulookcarefullyatthiswonderfulfigure.Getamoveon,Willie!Pickupyourfeet!"

Archie,sittingdazedly,wasawarethatReggievanTuylhadfinishedhisbeautysleepandwasaddressingtheyoungmanintheseatinfront.

"Why,hallo,"saidReggie."Ididn'tknowyouwereback.Yourememberme,don'tyou?ReggievanTuyl.Iknowyoursisterverywell.Archie,oldman,Iwantyoutomeetmyfriend,BillBrewster.Why,dashit!"Hechuckledsleepily."Iwasforgetting.Ofcourse!He'syour--"

"Howareyou?"saidtheyoungman."Talkingofmysister,"hesaidtoReggie,"Isupposeyouhaven'tmetherhusbandbyanychance?Isupposeyouknowshemarriedsomeawfulchump?"

"Me,"saidArchie.

"How'sthat?"

"Imarriedyoursister.Myname'sMoffam."

Theyoungmanseemedatrifletakenaback.

"Sorry,"hesaid.

"Notatall,"saidArchie.

"Iwasonlygoingbywhatmyfathersaidinhisletters,"heexplained,inextenuation.

Archienodded.

"I'mafraidyourjollyoldfatherdoesn'tappreciateme.ButI'mhopingforthebest.IfIcanropeinthatrummy-lookinglittlechinathing

thatJo-Jothedog-facedboyisshowingthecustomers,hewillbealloverme.Imeantosay,youknow,he'sgotanotherlikeit,and,ifhecangetafullhouse,asitwere,I'mgiventounderstandhe'llbebucked,cheered,andevenbraced."

Theyoungmanstared.

"AreYOUthefellowwho'sbeenbiddingagainstme?"

"Eh,what?WereyoubiddingagainstME?"

"Iwantedtobuythethingformyfather.I'veaspecialreasonforwantingtogetinrightwithhimjustnow.Areyoubuyingitforhim,

too?"

"Absolutely.Asasurprise.ItwasLucille'sidea.Hisvalet,achappienamedParker,tippedusoffthatthethingwastobesold."

"Parker?GreatScot!ItwasParkerwhotippedMEoff.ImethimonBroadway,andhetoldmeaboutit."

"Rummyhenevermentioneditinhislettertome.Why,dashit,wecouldhavegotthethingforabouttwodollarsifwehadpooledourbids."



"Well,we'dbetterpoolthemnow,andextinguishthatpillatthebackthere.Ican'tgoaboveelevenhundred.That'sallI'vegot."

"Ican'tgoaboveelevenhundredmyself."

"There'sjustonething.Iwishyou'dletmebetheonetohandthethingovertoFather.I'veaspecialreasonforwantingtomakeahitwithhim."

"Absolutely!"saidArchie,magnanimously."It'sallthesametome.Ionlywantedtogethimgenerallybraced,asitwere,ifyouknowwhatImean."

"That'sawfullygoodofyou."

"Notabit,laddie,no,no,andfarfromit.Onlytooglad."

Williehadreturnedfromhisramblesamongtheconnoisseurs,andPongo'sbrotherwasbackonhispedestal.Thehigh-priestclearedhisthroatandresumedhisdiscourse.

"Nowthatyouhaveallseenthissuperbfigurewewill--Iwasofferedonethousand--onethousand-one-one-one-one--elevenhundred.Thankyou,

sir.ElevenhundredIamoffered."

Thehigh-priestwasnowexuberant.Youcouldseehimdoingfiguresinhishead.

"Youdothebidding,"saidBrotherBill.

"Right-o!"saidArchie.

Hewavedadefianthand.

"Thirteen,"saidthemanattheback.

"Fourteen,dashit!"

"Fifteen!"

"Sixteen!"

"Seventeen!"

"Eighteen!"

"Nineteen!"

"Twothousand!"

Thehigh-priestdideverythingbutsing.Heradiatedgoodwillandbonhomie.

"TwothousandIamoffered.Isthereanyadvanceontwothousand?Come,gentlemen,Idon'twanttogivethissuperbfigureaway.Twenty-onehundred.Twenty-one-one-one-one.ThisismorethesortofthingIhavebeenaccustomedto.WhenIwasatSotheby'sRoomsinLondon,thiskindofbiddingwasacommon-place.Twenty-two-two-two-two-two.Onehardlynoticedit.Three-three-three.Twenty-three-three-three.Twenty-three



hundreddollarsIamoffered."

HegazedexpectantlyatArchie,asamangazesatsomefavouritedogwhomhecallsupontoperformatrick.ButArchiehadreachedtheendofhistether.Thehandthathadtwiddledsooftenandsobravelylayinertbesidehistrouser-leg,twitchingfeebly.Archiewasthrough.

"Twenty-threehundred,"saidthehigh-priest,ingratiatingly.

Archiemadenomovement.Therewasatensepause.Thehigh-priestgavealittlesigh,likeonewakingfromabeautifuldream.

"Twenty-threehundred,"hesaid."Oncetwenty-three.Twicetwenty-three.Third,last,andfinalcall,twenty-three.Soldattwenty-threehundred.Icongratulateyou,sir,onagenuinebargain!"

ReggievanTuylhaddozedoffagain.Archietappedhisbrother-in-lawontheshoulder.

"Mayaswellbepopping,what?"

Theythreadedtheirwaysadlytogetherthroughthecrowd,andmadeforthestreet.TheypassedintoFifthAvenuewithoutbreakingthesilence.

"Ballynuisance,"saidArchie,atlast.

"Rotten!"

"Wonderwhothatchappiewas?"

"Somecollector,probably."

"Well,itcan'tbehelped,"saidArchie.

BrotherBillattachedhimselftoArchie'sarm,andbecamecommunicative.

"Ididn'twanttomentionitinfrontofvanTuyl,"hesaid,"because

he'ssuchatalking-machine,anditwouldhavebeenalloverNewYorkbeforedinner-time.Butyou'reoneofthefamily,andyoucankeepasecret."

"Absolutely!Silenttombandwhatnot."

"ThereasonIwantedthatdarnedthingwasbecauseI'vejustgotengagedtoagirloverinEngland,andIthoughtthat,ifIcouldhandmyfatherthatchinafigure-thingwithonehandandbreakthenewswiththeother,itmighthelpabit.She'sthemostwonderfulgirl!"

"I'llbetsheis,"saidArchie,cordially.

"Thetroubleisshe'sinthechorusofoneoftherevuesoverthere,andFatherisapttokick.SoIthought--oh,well,it'snogoodworryingnow.Comealongwhereit'squiet,andI'lltellyouallabouther."

"That'llbejolly,"saidArchie.

CHAPTERXI.SALVATORECHOOSESTHEWRONGMOMENT



Archiereclaimedthefamilyjewelleryfromitstemporaryhomenextmorning;and,havingdoneso,saunteredbacktotheCosmopolis.Hewassurprised,onenteringthelobby,tomeethisfather-in-law.Moresurprisingstill,Mr.Brewsterwasmanifestlyinamoodofextraordinarygeniality.Archiecouldhardlybelievehiseyeswhentheotherwavedcheerilytohim--norhisearsamomentlaterwhenMr.Brewster,addressinghimas"myboy,"askedhimhowhewasandmentionedthatthedaywasawarmone.

Obviouslythisjovialframeofmindmustbetakenadvantageof;andArchie'sfirstthoughtwasofthedowntroddenSalvatore,tothetaleofwhosewrongshehadlistenedsosympatheticallyonthepreviousday.Nowwasplainlythemomentforthewaitertosubmithisgrievance,beforesomeebb-tidecausedthemilkofhumankindnesstoflowoutofDanielBrewster.Withaswift"Cheerio!"inhisfather-in-law'sdirection,Archieboundedintothegrill-room.Salvatore,thehourforluncheonbeingimminentbutnotyethavingarrived,wasstandingagainstthefarwallinanattitudeofthought.

"Laddie!"criedArchie.

"Sare?"

"Amostextraordinarythinghashappened.GoodoldBrewsterhassuddenlypoppedupthroughatrapandisoutinthelobbynow.Andwhat'sstillmoreweird,he'sapparentlybucked."

"Sare?"

"Braced,youknow.Inthepink.Pleasedaboutsomething.Ifyougotohimnowwiththatyarnofyours,youcan'tfail.He'llkissyouonbothcheeksandgiveyouhisbank-rollandcollar-stud.Chargealongandaskthehead-waiterifyoucanhavetenminutesoff."

Salvatorevanishedinsearchofthepotentatenamed,andArchiereturned

tothelobbytobaskintheunwontedsunshine.

"Well,well,well,what!"hesaid."IthoughtyouwereatBrookport."

"Icameupthismorningtomeetafriendofmine,"repliedMr.Brewstergenially."ProfessorBinstead."

"Don'tthinkIknowhim."

"Veryinterestingman,"saidMr.Brewster,stillwiththesameuncannyamiability."He'sadabblerinagoodmanythings--science,phrenology,antiques.Iaskedhimtobidformeatasaleyesterday.Therewasalittlechinafigure--"

Archie'sjawfell.

"Chinafigure?"hestammeredfeebly.

"Yes.Thecompaniontooneyoumayhavenoticedonmymantelpieceupstairs.Ihavebeentryingtogetthepairofthemforyears.Ishouldneverhaveheardofthisoneifithadnotbeenforthatvaletofmine,Parker.Verygoodofhimtoletmeknowofit,consideringIhadfiredhim.Ah,hereisBinstead."-Hemovedtogreetthesmall,middle-aged



manwiththetortoiseshell-rimmedspectacleswhowasbustlingacrossthelobby."Well,Binstead,soyougotit?"

"Yes."

"Isupposethepricewasn'tparticularlystiff?"

"Twenty-threehundred."

"Twenty-threehundred!"Mr.Brewsterseemedtoreelinhistracks."Twenty-threeHUNDRED!"

"Yougavemecarteblanche."

"Yes,buttwenty-threehundred!"

"Icouldhavegotitforafewdollars,butunfortunatelyIwasalittlelate,and,whenIarrived,someyoungfoolhadbidituptoathousand,andhestucktometillIfinallyshookhimoffattwenty-threehundred.Why,thisistheveryman!Isheafriendofyours?"

Archiecoughed.

"Morearelationthanafriend,what?Son-in-law,don'tyouknow!"

Mr.Brewster'samiabilityhadvanished.

"WhatdamnedfooleryhaveyoubeenuptoNOW?"hedemanded."Can'tImoveastepwithoutstubbingmytoeonyou?Whythedevildidyoubid?"

"Wethoughtitwouldberatherafruityscheme.Wetalkeditoverandcametotheconclusionthatitwasanegg.Wantedtogetholdoftherummylittleobject,don'tyouknow,andsurpriseyou."

"Who'swe?"

"LucilleandI."

"Buthowdidyouhearofitatall?"

"Parker,thevalet-chappie,youknow,wrotemealetteraboutit."

"Parker!Didn'thetellyouthathehadtoldmethefigurewastobesold?"

"Absolutelynot!"AsuddensuspicioncametoArchie.Hewasnormallyaguilelessyoungman,buteventohimtheextremefishinessofthepartplayedbyHerbertParkerhadbecomeapparent."Isay,youknow,itlookstomeasiffriendParkerhadbeenhavingusallonabit,what?ImeantosayitwasjollyoldHerb,whotippedyoursonoff--Bill,you

know--togoandbidforthething."

"Bill!WasBillthere?"

"Absolutelyinperson!Wewerebiddingagainsteachotherlikethedickenstillwemanagedtogettogetherandgetacquainted.Andthenthisbird--thisgentleman--sailedinandstartedtoslipitacrossus."

ProfessorBinsteadchuckled--thecare-freechuckleofamanwhoseesallthosearoundhimsmitteninthepocket,whilehehimselfremains



andspeakafewwell-chosenwords.Ofcourse,ifyou'drather--someothertime--"

ButMr.Brewsterwasnotpermittedtopostponetheinterview.Beforehecouldgethisbreath,Salvatorehadbeguntotalk.Hewasastrong,ambidextroustalker,whomitwashardtointerrupt;anditwasnotforsomemomentsthatMr.Brewstersucceededingettingawordin.Whenhedid,hespoketothepoint.Thoughnotalinguist,hehadbeenabletofollowthediscoursecloselyenoughtorealisethatthewaiterwasdissatisfiedwithconditionsinhishotel;andMr.Brewster,ashasbeenindicated,hadashortwaywithpeoplewhocriticisedtheCosmopolis.

"You'refired!"saidMr.Brewster.

"Oh,Isay!"protestedArchie.

SalvatoremutteredwhatsoundedlikeapassagefromDante.

"Fired!"repeatedMr.Brewsterresolutely."AndIwishtoheaven,"headded,eyeinghisson-in-lawmalignantly,"Icouldfireyou!"

"Well,"saidProfessorBinsteadcheerfully,breakingthegrimsilencewhichfollowedthisoutburst,"ifyouwillgivemeyourcheque,Brewster,IthinkIwillbegoing.Twothousandthreehundreddollars.

Makeitopen,ifyouwill,andthenIcanrunroundthecornerandcashitbeforelunch.Thatwillbecapital!"

CHAPTERXII.BRIGHTEYES--ANDAFLY

TheHermitage(unrivalledscenery,superbcuisine,DanielBrewster,proprietor)wasapicturesquesummerhotelinthegreenheartofthemountains,builtbyArchie'sfather-in-lawshortlyafterheassumedcontroloftheCosmopolis.Mr.Brewsterhimselfseldomwentthere,

preferringtoconcentratehisattentiononhisNewYorkestablishment;andArchieandLucille,breakfastingintheairydining-roomsometendaysaftertheincidentsrecordedinthelastchapter,hadconsequentlytobecontentwithtwooutofthethreeadvertisedattractionsoftheplace.Throughthewindowattheirsidequiteaslaboftheunrivalledscenerywasvisible;someofthesuperbcuisinewasalreadyonthetable;andthefactthattheeyesearchedinvainforDanielBrewster,proprietor,filledArchie,atanyrate,withnosenseofachingloss.Heboreitwithequanimityandevenwithpositiveenthusiasm.InArchie'sopinion,practicallyallaplaceneededtomakeitanearthlyParadisewasforMr.DanielBrewstertobeaboutforty-sevenmilesawayfromit.

ItwasatLucille'ssuggestionthattheyhadcometotheHermitage.

Neverahumansunbeam,Mr.Brewsterhadshownsuchableakfronttotheworld,andparticularlytohisson-in-law,inthedaysfollowingthePongoincident,thatLucillehadthoughtthatheandArchiewouldforatimeatleastbebetterapart--aviewwithwhichherhusbandcordiallyagreed.HehadenjoyedhisstayattheHermitage,andnowheregardedtheeternalhillswiththecomfortableaffectionofahealthymanwhoisbreakfastingwell.

"It'sgoingtobeanotherperfectlytoppingday,"heobserved,eyeingtheshimmeringlandscape,fromwhichthemorningmistswereswiftly



shreddingawaylikefaintpuffsofsmoke."Justthedayyououghttohavebeenhere."

"Yes,it'stoobadI'vegottogo.NewYorkwillbelikeanoven."

"Putitoff."

"Ican't,I'mafraid.I'veafitting."

Archiearguednofurther.Hewasamarriedmanofoldenoughstandingtoknowtheimportanceoffittings.

"Besides,"saidLucille,"Iwanttoseefather."Archierepressedanexclamationofastonishment."I'llbebackto-morrowevening.Youwillbeperfectlyhappy."

"Queenofmysoul,youknowIcan'tbehappywithyouaway.Youknow--"

"Yes?"murmuredLucille,appreciatively.ShenevertiredofhearingArchiesaythissortofthing.

Archie'svoicehadtrailedoff.Hewaslookingacrosstheroom.

"ByJove!"heexclaimed."Whatanawfullyprettywoman!"

"Where?"

"Overthere.Justcomingin,Isay,whatwonderfuleyes!Idon'tthinkIeversawsucheyes.Didyounoticehereyes?Sortofflashing!Awfullyprettywoman!"

Warmthoughthemorningwas,asuspicionofchilldescendeduponthebreakfast-table.AcertaincoldnessseemedtocomeintoLucille'sface.ShecouldnotalwaysshareArchie'sfreshyoungenthusiasms.

"Doyouthinkso?"

"Wonderfulfigure,too!"

"Yes?"

"Well,whatImeantosay,fairtomedium,"saidArchie,recoveringacertainamountofthatintelligencewhichraisesmanabovethelevelofthebeastsofthefield."NotthesortoftypeIadmiremyself,ofcourse."

"Youknowher,don'tyou?"

"Absolutelynotandfarfromit,"saidArchie,hastily."Nevermetherinmylife."

"You'veseenheronthestage.Hername'sVeraSilverton.Wesawherin--"

"Ofcourse,yes.Sowedid.Isay,Iwonderwhatshe'sdoinghere?SheoughttobeinNewYork,rehearsing.Iremembermeetingwhat's-his-name--youknow--chappiewhowritesplaysandwhatnot--GeorgeBenham--IremembermeetingGeorgeBenham,andhetoldmeshewasrehearsinginapieceofhiscalled--Iforgetthename,butIknowitwascalledsomethingorother.Well,whyisn'tshe?"



"Sheprobablylosthertemperandbrokehercontractandcameaway.She'salwaysdoingthatsortofthing.She'sknownforit.Shemustbeahorridwoman."

"Yes."

"Idon'twanttotalkabouther.Sheusedtobemarriedtosomeone,andshedivorcedhim.Andthenshewasmarriedtosomeoneelse,andhedivorcedher.AndI'mcertainherhairwasn'tthatcolourtwoyearsago,andIdon'tthinkawomanoughttomakeuplikethat,andherdressisallwrongforthecountry,andthosepearlscan'tbegenuine,andIhatethewaysherollshereyesabout,andpinkdoesn'tsuitherabit.Ithinkshe'sanawfulwoman,andIwishyouwouldn'tkeepontalkingabouther."

"Right-o!"saidArchie,dutifully.

Theyfinishedbreakfast,andLucillewentuptopackherbag.Archiestrolledoutontotheterraceoutsidethehotel,wherehesmoked,communedwithnature,andthoughtofLucille.HealwaysthoughtofLucillewhenhewasalone,especiallywhenhechancedtofindhimselfinpoeticsurroundingslikethoseprovidedbytheunrivalledsceneryencirclingtheHotelHermitage.Thelongerhewasmarriedtoherthe

moredidthesacredinstitutionseemtohimagoodegg.Mr.Brewstermightregardtheirmarriageasoneoftheworld'smostunfortunateincidents,buttoArchieitwas,andalwayshadbeen,abitofallright.ThemorehethoughtofitthemoredidhemarvelthatagirllikeLucilleshouldhavebeencontenttolinkherlotwiththatofaClassCspecimenlikehimself.Hismeditationswere,infact,preciselywhatahappily-marriedman'smeditationsoughttobe.

Hewasrousedfromthembyaspeciesofexclamationorcryalmostathiselbow,andturnedtofindthatthespectacularMissSilvertonwasstandingbesidehim.Herdubioushairgleamedinthesunlight,andoneofthecriticisedeyeswasscrewedup.TheothergazedatArchiewithanexpressionofappeal.

"There'ssomethinginmyeye,"shesaid.

"No,really!"

"Iwonderifyouwouldmind?Itwouldbesokindofyou!"

Archiewouldhavepreferredtoremovehimself,butnomanworthyofthenamecandeclinetocometotherescueofwomanhoodindistress.Totwistthelady'supperlidbackandpeerintoitandjabatitwiththecornerofhishandkerchiefwastheonlycourseopentohim.Hisconductmaybeclassedasnotmerelyblamelessbutdefinitelypraiseworthy.KingArthur'sknightsusedtodothissortofthingallthetime,andlook

whatpeoplethinkofthem.Lucille,therefore,comingoutofthehoteljustastheoperationwasconcluded,oughtnottohavefelttheannoyanceshedid.But,ofcourse,thereisacertainsuperficialintimacyabouttheattitudeofamanwhoistakingaflyoutofawoman'seyewhichmayexcusablyjaruponthesensibilitiesofhiswife.Itisanattitudewhichsuggestsasortofrapprochementorcamaraderieor,asArchiewouldhaveputit,whatnot.

"Thankssomuch!"saidMissSilverton.



"Ohno,rathernot,"saidArchie.

"Suchanuisancegettingthingsinyoureye."

"Absolutely!"

"I'malwaysdoingit!"

"Rottenluck!"

"ButIdon'toftenfindanyoneascleverasyoutohelpme."

Lucillefeltcalledupontobreakinonthisfeastofreasonandflowofsoul.

"Archie,"shesaid,"ifyougoandgetyourclubsnow,Ishalljusthavetimetowalkroundwithyoubeforemytraingoes."

"Oh,ah!"saidArchie,perceivingherforthefirsttime."Oh,ah,yes,right-o,yes,yes,yes!"

OnthewaytothefirstteeitseemedtoArchiethatLucillewasdistraitandabstractedinhermanner;anditoccurredtohim,notforthefirsttimeinhislife,whatapoorsupportaclearconscienceis

inmomentsofcrisis.Dashitall,hedidn'tseewhatelsehecouldhavedone.Couldn'tleavethepoorfemalestaggeringabouttheplacewithsquadsofflieswedgedinhereyeball.Nevertheless--

"Rottenthinggettingaflyinyoureye,"hehazardedatlength."Dashedawkward,Imean."

"Orconvenient."

"Eh?"

"Well,it'saverygoodwayofdispensingwithanintroduction."

"Oh,Isay!Youdon'tmeanyouthink--"

"She'sahorridwoman!"

"Absolutely!Can'tthinkwhatpeopleseeinher."

"Well,youseemedtoenjoyfussingoverher!"

"No,no!Nothingofthekind!Sheinspiredmewithabsolutewhat-d'you-call-it--thesortofthingchappiesdogetinspiredwith,youknow."

"Youwerebeamingalloveryourface."

"Iwasn't.Iwasjustscrewingupmyfacebecausethesunwasinmyeye."

"Allsortsofthingsseemtobeinpeople'seyesthismorning!"

Archiewassaddened.Thatthissortofmisunderstandingshouldhaveoccurredonsuchatoppingdayandatamomentwhentheyweretobetornasunderforaboutthirty-sixhoursmadehimfeel--well,itgavehimthepip.Hehadanideathattherewerewordswhichwouldhavestraightened



everythingout,buthewasnotaneloquentyoungmanandcouldnotfindthem.Hefeltaggrieved.Lucille,heconsidered,oughttohaveknownthathewasimmuneasregardedfemaleswithflashingeyesandexperimentally-colouredhair.Why,dashit,hecouldhaveextractedfliesfromtheeyesofCleopatrawithonehandandHelenofTroywiththeother,simultaneously,withoutgivingthemasecondthought.Itwasindepressedmoodthatheplayedalistlessnineholes;norhadlifebrightenedforhimwhenhecamebacktothehoteltwohourslater,afterseeingLucilleoffinthetraintoNewYork.Nevertillnowhadtheyhadanythingremotelyresemblingaquarrel.Life,Archiefelt,wasabitofawash-out.Hewasdisturbedandjumpy,andthesightofMissSilverton,talkingtosomebodyonasetteeinthecornerofthehotellobby,senthimshootingoffatrightanglesandbroughthimupwithabumpagainstthedeskbehindwhichtheroom-clerksat.

Theroom-clerk,alwaysofachattydisposition,wassayingsomethingtohim,butArchiedidnotlisten.Henoddedmechanically.Itwassomethingabouthisroom.Hecaughttheword"satisfactory."

"Oh,rather,quite!"saidArchie.

Afussydevil,theroom-clerk!HeknewperfectlywellthatArchiefoundhisroomsatisfactory.Thesechappiesgassedonlikethissoastotrytomakeyoufeelthatthemanagementtookapersonalinterestinyou.

Itwaspartoftheirjob.Archiebeamedabsentlyandwentintolunch.Lucille'semptyseatstaredathimmournfully,increasinghissenseofdesolation.

Hewashalf-waythroughhislunch,whenthechairoppositeceasedtobevacant.Archie,transferringhisgazefromthesceneryoutsidethewindow,perceivedthathisfriend,GeorgeBenham,theplaywright,hadmaterialisedfromnowhereandwasnowinhismidst.

"Hallo!"hesaid.

GeorgeBenhamwasagraveyoungmanwhosespectaclesgavehimthelookofamournfulowl.Heseemedtohavesomethingonhismindbesidesthe

artisticallystragglingmopofblackhairwhichsweptdownoverhisbrow.Hesighedwearily,andorderedfish-pie.

"IthoughtIsawyoucomethroughthelobbyjustnow,"hesaid.

"Oh,wasthatyouonthesettee,talkingtoMissSilverton?"

"ShewastalkingtoME,"saidtheplaywright,moodily.

"Whatareyoudoinghere?"askedArchie.HecouldhavewishedMr.Benhamelsewhere,forheintrudedonhisgloom,but,thechappiebeingamongstthosepresent,itwasonlyciviltotalktohim."IthoughtyouwereinNewYork,watchingtherehearsalsofyourjollyolddrama."

"Therehearsalsarehungup.Anditlooksasthoughtherewasn'tgoingtobeanydrama.GoodLord!"criedGeorgeBenham,withhonestwarmth,"withopportunitiesopeningoutbeforeoneoneveryside--withlifeextendingprizestoonewithbothhands--whenyouseecoal-heaversmakingfiftydollarsaweekandthefellowswhocleanoutthesewersgoinghappyandsingingabouttheirwork--whydoesamandeliberatelychooseajoblikewritingplays?Jobwastheonlymanthateverlivedwhowasreallyqualifiedtowriteaplay,andhewouldhavefounditprettytoughgoingifhisleadingwomanhadbeenanyonelikeVera



"Iunderstand.Andwhenyoubroughtoffthiskick--"

"Push,"saidMr.Benham,austerely.

"Thiskickorpush.Whenyouadministeredthiskickorpush--"

"Itwasmoreasortoflightshove."

"Well,whenyoudidwhateveryoudid,thetroublestarted?"

Mr.Benhamgaveaslightshiver.

"Shetalkedforawhile,andthenwalkedout,takingthedogwithher.Yousee,thiswasn'tthefirsttimeithadhappened."

"GoodLord!Doyouspendyourwholetimedoingthatsortofthing?"

"Itwasn'tmethefirsttime.Itwasthestage-manager.Hedidn'tknowwhosedogitwas,anditcamewaddlingontothestage,andhegaveitasortofpat,akindofflick--"

"Aslosh?"

"NOTaslosh,"correctedMr.Benham,firmly."Youmightcallita

tap--withthepromptscript.Well,wehadalotofdifficultysmoothingheroverthattime.Still,wemanagedtodoit,butshesaidthatifanythingofthesortoccurredagainshewouldchuckupherpart."

"Shemustbefondofthedog,"saidArchie,forthefirsttimefeelingatouchofgoodwillandsympathytowardsthelady.

"She'scrazyabout,it.That'swhatmadeitsoawkwardwhenIhappened--quiteinadvertently--togiveitthissortofaccidentalshove.Well,wespenttherestofthedaytryingtogetheronthe'phoneatherapartment,andfinallyweheardthatshehadcomehere.SoItookthenexttrain,andtriedtopersuadehertocomeback.Shewouldn'tlisten.Andthat'showmattersstand."

"Prettyrotten!"saidArchie,sympathetically.

"Youcanbetit'sprettyrotten--forme.There'snobodyelsewhocanplaythepart.Likeachump,Iwrotethethingspeciallyforher.Itmeanstheplaywon'tbeproducedatall,ifshedoesn'tdoit.Soyou'remylasthope!"

Archie,whowaslightingacigarette,nearlyswallowedit.

"Iam?"

"Ithoughtyoumightpersuadeher.Pointouttoherwhatalothangson

hercomingback.Jollyheralong,YOUknowthesortofthing!"

"But,mydearoldfriend,ItellyouIdon'tknowher!"

Mr.Benham'seyesopenedbehindtheirzarebaofglass.

"Well,sheknowsYOU.Whenyoucamethroughthelobbyjustnowshesaidthatyouweretheonlyrealhumanbeingshehadevermet."

"Well,asamatteroffact,Ididtakeaflyoutofhereye.But--"



"Youdid?Well,then,thewholething'ssimple.Allyouhavetodoistoaskherhowhereyeis,andtellhershehasthemostbeautifuleyesyoueversaw,andcooabit."

"But,mydearoldson!"ThefrightfulprogrammewhichhisfriendhadmappedoutstunnedArchie."Isimplycan't!Anythingtoobligeandallthatsortofthing,butwhenitcomestocooing,distinctlyNapoo!"

"Nonsense!Itisn'thardtocoo."

"Youdon'tunderstand,laddie.You'renotamarriedman.Imeantosay,whateveryousayfororagainstmarriage--personallyI'mallforitandconsideritaripeegg--thefactremainsthatitpracticallymakesachappieaspentforceasacooer.Idon'twanttodishyouinanyway,oldbean,butImustfirmlyandresolutelydeclinetocoo."

Mr.Benhamroseandlookedathiswatch.

"I'llhavetobemoving,"hesaid."I'vegottogetbacktoNewYorkandreport.I'lltellthemthatIhaven'tbeenabletodoanythingmyself,butthatI'veleftthematteringoodhands.Iknowyouwilldoyourbest."

"But,laddie!"

"Think,"saidMr.Benham,solemnly,"ofallthatdependsonit!Theotheractors!Thesmall-partpeoplethrownoutofajob!Myself--butno!Perhapsyouhadbettertouchverylightlyornotatallonmyconnectionwiththething.Well,youknowhowtohandleit.IfeelIcanleaveittoyou.Pitchitstrong!Good-bye,mydearoldman,andathousandthanks.I'lldothesameforyouanothertime."Hemovedtowardsthedoor,leavingArchietransfixed.Half-waythereheturnedandcameback."Oh,bytheway,"hesaid,"mylunch.Haveitputonyourbill,willyou?Ihaven'ttimetostayandsettle.Good-bye!Good-bye!"

CHAPTERXIII.RALLYINGROUNDPERCY

ItamazedArchiethroughthewholeofalongafternoontoreflecthowswiftlyandunexpectedlytheblueandbrilliantskyoflifecancloudoverandwithwhatabruptnessamanwhofanciesthathisfeetareonsolidgroundcanfindhimselfimmersedinFate'sgumbo.Herecalled,withthebitternesswithwhichonedoesrecallsuchthings,thatthatmorninghehadrisenfromhisbedwithoutacareintheworld,hishappinessunruffledevenbythethoughtthatLucillewouldbeleavinghimforashortspace.Hehadsunginhisbath.Yes,hehadchirruped

likeaballylinnet.Andnow--

SomemenwouldhavedismissedtheunfortunateaffairsofMr.GeorgeBenhamfromtheirmindashavingnothingtodowiththemselves,butArchiehadneverbeenmadeofthissternstuff.ThefactthatMr.Benham,apartfrombeinganagreeablecompanionwithwhomhehadlunchedoccasionallyinNewYork,hadnoclaimsuponhimaffectedhimlittle.Hehatedtoseehisfellowmanintrouble.Ontheotherhand,whatcouldhedo?ToseekMissSilvertonoutandpleadwithher--evenifhediditwithoutcooing--wouldundoubtedlyestablishanintimacybetweenthem



which,instincttoldhim,mighttingehermannerafterLucille'sreturnwithjustthatsuggestionofAuldLangSynewhichmakesthingssoawkward.

HiswholebeingshrankfromextendingtoMissSilvertonthatinchwhichthefemaleartistictemperamentissoapttoturnintoanell;andwhen,justashewasabouttogointodinner,hemetherinthelobbyandshesmiledbrightlyathimandinformedhimthathereyewasnowcompletelyrecovered,heshiedawaylikeastartledmustangoftheprairie,and,abandoninghisintentionofworryingthetabled'hoteinthesameroomwiththeamiablecreature,totteredofftothesmoking-room,wherehedidthebesthecouldwithsandwichesandcoffee.

Havinggotthroughthetimeasbesthecouldtilleleveno'clock,hewentuptobed.

TheroomtowhichheandLucillehadbeenassignedbythemanagementwasonthesecondfloor,pleasantlysunnybydayandatnightfilledwithcoolandhearteningfragranceofthepines.HithertoArchiehadalwaysenjoyedtakingafinalsmokeonthebalconyoverlookingthewoods,but,to-nightsuchwashismentalstressthathepreparedtogotobeddirectlyhehadclosedthedoor.Heturnedtothecupboardtogethispyjamas.

Hisfirstthought,whenevenafterasecondscrutinynopyjamaswerevisible,wasthatthiswasmerelyanotherofthosethingswhichhappenondayswhenlifegoeswrong.Herakedthecupboardforathirdtimewithanannoyedeye.FromeveryhookhungvariousgarmentsofLucille's,butnopyjamas.Hewasbreathingasoftmaledictionpreparatorytoembarkingonapoint-to-pointhuntforhismissingproperty,whensomethinginthecupboardcaughthiseyeandheldhimforamomentpuzzled.

HecouldhaveswornthatLucilledidnotpossessamauveneglige.Why,shehadtoldhimadozentimesthatmauvewasacolourwhichshedidnotlike.Hefrownedperplexedly;andashedidso,fromnearthewindowcameasoftcough.

Archiespunroundandsubjectedtheroomtoascloseascrutinyasthatwhichhehadbestoweduponthecupboard.Nothingwasvisible.Thewindowopeningontothebalconygapedwide.Thebalconywasmanifestlyempty.

"URRF!"

Thistimetherewasnopossibilityoferror.Thecoughhadcomefromtheimmediateneighbourhoodofthewindow.

Archiewasconsciousofapringlysensationabouttherootsofhisclosely-croppedback-hair,ashemovedcautiouslyacrosstheroom.Theaffairwasbecominguncanny;and,ashetip-toedtowardsthewindow,old

ghoststories,readinlightermomentsbeforecheerfulfireswithplentyoflightintheroom,flittedthroughhismind.Hehadthefeeling--preciselyaseverychappieinthosestorieshadhad--thathewasnotalone.

Norwashe.Inabasketbehindanarm-chair,curledup,withhismassivechinrestingontheedgeofthewicker-work,layafinebulldog.

"Urrf!"saidthebulldog.




TherewasalengthypauseinwhichthebulldoglookedearnestlyatArchieandArchielookedearnestlyatthebulldog.

Normally,Archiewasadog-lover.Hishurrywasneversogreatastopreventhimstopping,wheninthestreet,andintroducinghimselftoanydoghemet.Inastrangehouse,hisfirstactwastoassemblethecaninepopulation,rollitonitsbackorbacks,andpunchitintheribs.Asaboy,hisearliestambitionhadbeentobecomeaveterinarysurgeon;and,thoughtheyearshadcheatedhimofhiscareer,heknewallaboutdogs,theirpoints,theirmanners,theircustoms,andtheirtreatmentinsicknessandinhealth.Inshort,heloveddogs,and,hadtheymetunderhappierconditions,hewouldundoubtedlyhavebeenonexcellenttermswiththisonewithinthespaceofaminute.But,asthingswere,heabstainedfromfraternisingandcontinuedtogoggledumbly.

Andthenhiseye,wanderingaside,collidedwiththefollowingobjects:afluffypinkdressing-gown,hungoverthebackofachair,anentirelystrangesuit-case,and,onthebureau,aphotographinasilverframeofastoutgentlemaninevening-dresswhomhehadneverseenbeforeinhislife.

Muchhasbeenwrittenoftheemotionsofthewandererwho,returningto

hischildhoodhome,findsitalteredoutofallrecognition;butpoetshaveneglectedthetheme--farmorepoignant--ofthemanwhogoesuptohisroominanhotelandfindsitfullofsomebodyelse'sdressing-gownsandbulldogs.

Bulldogs!Archie'sheartjumpedsidewaysandupwardswithawigglingmovement,turningtwosomersaults,andstoppedbeating.Thehideoustruth,workingitswayslowlythroughtheconcrete,hadatlastpenetratedtohisbrain.Hewasnotonlyinsomebodyelse'sroom,andawoman'satthat.HewasintheroombelongingtoMissVeraSilverton.

Hecouldnotunderstandit.Hewouldhavebeenpreparedtostakethelastcenthecouldborrowfromhisfather-in-lawonthefactthathehad

madenoerrorinthenumberoverthedoor.Yet,nevertheless,suchwasthecase,and,belowparthoughhisfacultieswereatthemoment,hewassufficientlyalerttoperceivethatitbehovedhimtowithdraw.

Heleapedtothedoor,and,ashedidso,thehandlebegantoturn.

ThecloudwhichhadsettledonArchie'smindliftedabruptly.Foraninstanthewasenabledtothinkaboutahundredtimesmorequicklythanwashisleisurelywont.Goodfortunehadbroughthimtowithineasyreachoftheelectric-lightswitch.Hesnappeditback,andwasindarkness.Then,divingsilentlyandswiftlytothefloor,hewriggledunderthebed.Thethudofhisheadagainstwhatappearedtobesomesortofjoistorsupport,unlessithadbeenplacedtherebythemaker

asapracticaljoke,onthechanceofthiskindofthinghappeningsomeday,coincidedwiththecreakoftheopeningdoor.Thenthelightwasswitchedonagain,andthebulldoginthecornergaveawelcomingwoofle.

"Andhowismamma'spreciousangel?"

Rightlyconcludingthattheremarkhadnotbeenaddressedtohimselfandthatnosocialobligationdemandedthathereply,Archiepressedhischeekagainsttheboardsandsaidnothing.Thequestionwasnot



repeated,butfromtheothersideoftheroomcamethesoundofapatteddog.

"Didhethinkhismuzzerhadfallendowndeadandwasnevercomingup?"

ThebeautifulpicturewhichthesewordsconjuredupfilledArchiewiththatyearningforthemight-have-beenwhichisalwayssopainful.Hewasfindinghispositionphysicallyaswellasmentallydistressing.Itwascrampedunderthebed,andtheboardswereharderthananythinghehadeverencountered.Also,itappearedtobethepracticeofthehousemaidsattheHotelHermitagetousethespacebelowthebedsasadepositoryforallthedustwhichtheysweptoffthecarpet,andmuchofthiswasinsinuatingitselfintohisnoseandmouth.ThetwothingswhichArchiewouldhavelikedmosttodoatthatmomentwerefirsttokillMissSilverton--ifpossible,painfully--andthentospendtheremainderofhislifesneezing.

Afteraprolongedperiodheheardadraweropen,andnotedthefactaspromising.Astheoldmarriedman,hepresumedthatitsignifiedtheputtingawayofhair-pins.Aboutnowthedashedwomanwouldbelookingatherselfintheglasswithherhairdown.Thenshewouldbrushit.Thenshewouldtwiddleitupintothingummies.Say,tenminutesforthis.Andafterthatshewouldgotobedandturnoutthelight,andhewouldbeable,aftergivingherabitoftimetogotosleep,tocreep

outandlegit.Allowingataconservativeestimatethree-quartersof--

"Comeout!"

Archiestiffened.Foraninstantafeeblehopecametohimthatthisremark,liketheothers,mightbeaddressedtothedog.

"Comeoutfromunderthatbed!"saidasternvoice."Andmindhowyoucome!I'vegotapistol!"

"Well,Imeantosay,youknow,"saidArchie,inapropitiatoryvoice,emergingfromhislairlikeatortoiseandsmilingaswinninglyasamancanwhohasjustbumpedhisheadagainstthelegofabed,"Isuppose

allthisseemsfairlyrummy,but--"

"FortheloveofMike!"saidMissSilverton.

ThepointseemedtoArchiewelltakenandthecommentonthesituationneatlyexpressed.

"Whatareyoudoinginmyroom?"

"Well,ifitcomestothat,youknow--shouldn'thavementioneditifyouhadn'tbroughtthesubjectupinthecourseofgeneralchit-chat--whatareyoudoinginmine?"

"Yours?"

"Well,apparentlythere'sbeenabloomerofsomespeciessomewhere,butthiswastheroomIhadlastnight,"saidArchie.

"Butthedesk-clerksaidthathehadaskedyouifitwouldbequitesatisfactorytoyougivingituptome,andyousaidyes.Icomehereeverysummer,whenI'mnotworking,andIalwayshavethisroom."

"ByJove!Iremembernow.Thechappiedidsaysomethingtomeaboutthe



room,butIwasthinkingofsomethingelseanditratherwentoverthetop.Sothat'swhathewastalkingabout,wasit?"

MissSilvertonwasfrowning.Amoving-picturedirector,scanningherface,wouldhaveperceivedthatshewasregisteringdisappointment.

"Nothingbreaksrightformeinthisdarnedworld,"shesaid,regretfully."WhenIcaughtsightofyourlegstickingoutfromunderthebed,Ididthinkthateverythingwasalllinedupforarealfindand,atlast,Icouldclosemyeyesandseethethinginthepapers.Onthefrontpage,withphotographs:'PluckyActressCapturesBurglar.'Darnit!"

"Fearfullysorry,youknow!"

"Ijustneededsomethinglikethat.I'vegotaPress-agent,andIwillsayforhimthatheeatswellandsleepswellandhasjustenoughintelligencetocashhismonthlychequewithoutforgettingwhathewentintothebankfor,butoutsideofthatyoucantakeitfrommehe'snotoneoftheworld'sworkers!He'saboutasmuchsolidusetoagirlwithaspirationsasapaininthelowerribs.It'sthreeweekssincehegotmeintoprintatall,andthenthebrightestthinghecouldthinkupwasthatmyfavouritebreakfast-fruitwasanapple.Well,Iaskyou!"

"Rotten!"saidArchie.

"Ididthinkthatforoncemyguardianangelhadgonebacktoworkandwasdoingsomethingforme.'StageStarandMidnightMarauder,'"murmuredMissSilverton,wistfully."'FootlightFavouriteFoilsFelon.'"

"Bitthick!"agreedArchie,sympathetically."Well,you'llprobablybewantingtogettobedandallthatsortofrot,soImayaswellbepopping,what!Cheerio!"

AsuddengleamcameintoMissSilverton'scompellingeyes.

"Wait!"

"Eh?"

"Wait!I'vegotanidea!"Thewistfulsadnesshadgonefromhermanner.Shewasbrightandalert."Sitdown!"

"Sitdown?"

"Sure.Sitdownandtakethechilloffthearm-chair.I'vethoughtofsomething."

Archiesatdownasdirected.Athiselbowthebulldogeyedhimgravelyfromthebasket.

"Dotheyknowyouinthishotel?"

"Knowme?Well,I'vebeenhereaboutaweek."

"Imean,dotheyknowwhoyouare?Dotheyknowyou'reagoodcitizen?"

"Well,ifitcomestothat,Isupposetheydon't.But--"

"Fine!"saidMissSilverton,appreciatively."Thenit'sallright.We



"Out!"saidArchie,firmly."Ballyout!"

AdangerouslightflickeredinMissSilverton'seyes.

"That'llbeallofthat!"shesaid,raisingthepistol."Youstayrightwhereyouare,orI'llfire!"

"Right-o!"

"Imeanit!"

"Mydearoldsoul,"saidArchie,"intherecentunpleasantnessinFranceIhadchappiespoppingoffthingslikethatatmealldayandeverydayforcloseonfiveyears,andhereIam,what!Imeantosay,ifI'vegottochoosebetweenstayinghereandbeingpinchedinyourroombythelocalconstabularyandhavingthedashedthinggetintothepapersandallsortsoftroublehappening,andmywifegettingthewindupand--Isay,ifI'vegottochoose--"

"Suckalozengeandstartagain!"saidMissSilverton.

"Well,whatImeantosayis,I'dmuchrathertakeachanceofgettingabulletintheoldbeanthanthat.Solooseitoffandthebesto'luck!"

MissSilvertonloweredthepistol,sankintoachair,andburstintotears.

"Ithinkyou'rethemeanestmanIevermet!"shesobbed."Youknowperfectlywellthebangwouldsendmeintoafit!"

"Inthatcase,"saidArchie,relieved,"cheerio,goodluck,pip-pip,toodle-oo,andgood-bye-ee!I'llbeshifting!"

"Yes,youwill!"criedMissSilverton,energetically,recoveringwithamazingswiftnessfromhercollapse."Yes,youwill,Ibynomeanssuppose!Youthink,justbecauseI'mnochampionwithapistol,I'mhelpless.Youwait!Percy!"

"MynameisnotPercy."

"Ineversaiditwas.Percy!Percy,cometomuzzer!"

Therewasacreakingrustlefrombehindthearm-chair.Aheavybodyfloppedonthecarpet.Outintotheroom,heavinghimselfalongasthoughsleephadstiffenedhisjoints,andbreathingstertorouslythroughhistiltednose,movedthefinebulldog.Seenintheopen,helookedevenmoreformidablethanhehaddoneinhisbasket.

"Guardhim,Percy!Gooddog,guardhim!Oh,heavens!What'sthematterwithhim?"

Andwiththesewordstheemotionalwoman,utteringawailofanguish,flungherselfonthefloorbesidetheanimal.

Percywas,indeed,inmanifestlybadshape.Heseemedquiteunabletodraghislimbsacrosstheroom.Therewasacuriousarchinhisback,and,ashismistresstouchedhim,hecriedoutplaintively,

"Percy!Oh,whatISthematterwithhim?Hisnoseisburning!"



Nowwasthetime,withbothsectionsoftheenemy'sforcesoccupied,forArchietohavedepartedsoftlyfromtheroom.Butnever,sincethedaywhenattheageofelevenhehadcarriedalarge,damp,andmuddyterrierwithasorefootthreemilesanddepositedhimonthebestsofainhismother'sdrawing-room,hadhebeenabletoignorethespectacleofadogintrouble.

"Hedoeslookbad,what!"

"He'sdying!Oh,he'sdying!Isitdistemper?He'sneverhaddistemper."

Archieregardedthesuffererwiththegraveeyeoftheexpert.Heshookhishead.

"It'snotthat,"hesaid."Dogswithdistempermakeasortofsniftingnoise."

"ButheISmakingasniftingnoise!"

"No,he'smakingasnufflingnoise.Greatdifferencebetweensnufflingandsnifting.Notthesamethingatall.Imeantosay,whentheysnifttheysnift,andwhentheysnufflethey--asitwere--snuffle.That'showyoucantell.IfyouaskME"--hepassedhishandoverthedog'sback.Percyutteredanothercry."Iknowwhat'sthematterwithhim."

"Abruteofamankickedhimatrehearsal.Doyouthinkhe'sinjuredinternally?"

"It'srheumatism,"saidArchie."Jollyoldrheumatism.That'sallthat'sthetrouble."

"Areyousure?"

"Absolutely!"

"ButwhatcanIdo?"

"Givehimagoodhotbath,andmindanddryhimwell.He'llhaveagoodsleepthen,andwon'thaveanypain.Then,firstthingto-morrow,youwanttogivehimsalicylateofsoda."

"I'llneverrememberthat."-"I'llwriteitdownforyou.Yououghttogivehimfromtentotwentygrainsthreetimesadayinanounceofwater.Andrubhimwithanygoodembrocation."

"Andhewon'tdie?"

"Die!He'lllivetobeasoldasyouare!-Imeantosay--"

"Icouldkissyou!"saidMissSilverton,emotionally.

Archiebackedhastily.

"No,no,absolutelynot!Nothinglikethatrequired,really!"

"You'readarling!"

"Yes.Imeanno.No,no,really!"

"Idon'tknowwhattosay.WhatcanIsay?"



"Goodnight,"saidArchie.

"IwishtherewassomethingIcoulddo!Ifyouhadn'tbeenhere,Ishouldhavegoneoffmyhead!"

AgreatideaflashedacrossArchie'sbrain.

"Doyoureallywanttodosomething?"

"Anything!"

"ThenIdowish,likeadearsweetsoul,youwouldpopstraightbacktoNewYorkto-morrowandgoonwiththoserehearsals."

MissSilvertonshookherhead.

"Ican'tdothat!"

"Oh,right-o!Butitisn'tmuchtoask,what!"

"Notmuchtoask!I'llneverforgivethatmanforkickingPercy!"

"Nowlisten,dearoldsoul.You'vegotthestoryallwrong.Asamatter

offact,jollyoldBenhamtoldmehimselfthathehasthegreatestesteemandrespectforPercy,andwouldn'thavekickedhimfortheworld.And,youknowitwasmoreasortofpushthanakick.Youmightalmostcallitalightshove.Thefactis,itwasbeastlydarkinthetheatre,andhewasleggingitsidewaysforsomereasonorother,nodoubtwiththebestmotives,andunfortunatelyhehappenedtostubhistoeonthepooroldbean."

"Thenwhydidn'thesayso?"

"AsfarasIcouldmakeout,youdidn'tgivehimachance."

MissSilvertonwavered.

"IalwayshategoingbackafterI'vewalkedoutonashow,"shesaid."Itseemssoweak!"

"Notabitofit!They'llgivethreeheartycheersandthinkyouatopper.Besides,you'vegottogotoNewYorkinanycase.TotakePercytoavet.,youknow,what!"

"Ofcourse.Howrightyoualwaysare!"MissSilvertonhesitatedagain."WouldyoureallybegladifIwentbacktotheshow?"

"I'dgosingingaboutthehotel!Greatpalofmine,Benham.Athoroughlycheeryoldbean,andverycutupaboutthewholeaffair.Besides,think

ofallthecovesthrownoutofwork--thethingummabobsandthepoorwhat-d'you-call-'ems!"

"Verywell."

"You'lldoit?"

"Yes."

"Isay,youreallyareoneofthebest!Absolutelylikemothermade!



That'sfine!Well,IthinkI'llbesayinggoodnight."

"Goodnight.Andthankyousomuch!"

"Oh,no,rathernot!"

Archiemovedtothedoor.

"Oh,bytheway."

"Yes?"

"IfIwereyou,IthinkIshouldcatchtheveryfirsttrainyoucangettoNewYork.Yousee--er--yououghttotakePercytothevet.assoonaseveryoucan."

"Youreallydothinkofeverything,"saidMissSilverton.

"Yes,"saidArchie,meditatively.

CHAPTERXIV.THESADCASEOFLOONEYBIDDLE

Archiewasasimplesoul,and,asisthecasewithmostsimplesouls,gratitudecameeasilytohim.Heappreciatedkindtreatment.Andwhen,onthefollowingday,LucillereturnedtotheHermitage,allsmilesandaffection,andmadenofurtherreferencetoBeauty'sEyesandthefliesthatgotintothem,hewasconsciousofakeendesiretoshowsomesolidrecognitionofthismagnanimity.Fewwives,hewasaware,couldhavehadthenobilityandwhatnottorefrainfromoccasionallyturningtheconversationinthedirectionoftheabove-mentionedtopics.IthadnotneededthisbehaviouronherparttoconvincehimthatLucillewasatopperandacorkerandoneoftheverybest,forhehadbeencognisantofthesefactssincethefirstmomenthehadmether:butwhathedid

feelwasthatshedeservedtoberewardedinnouncertainmanner.Anditseemedahappycoincidencetohimthatherbirthdayshouldbecomingalonginthenextweekorso.Surely,feltArchie,hecouldwhackupsomesortofanotunjuicygiftforthatoccasion--somethingprettyripethatwouldmakeasubstantialhitwiththedeargirl.Surelysomethingwouldcomealongtorelievehischronicimpecuniosityforjustsufficientlengthoftimetoenablehimtospreadhimselfonthisgreatoccasion.

And,asifindirectanswertoprayer,analmostforgottenauntinEnglandsuddenly,outofanabsolutelybluesky,shotnolessasumthanfivehundreddollarsacrosstheocean.ThepresentwassolavishandunexpectedthatArchiehadtheawedfeelingofonewhoparticipatesin

amiracle.Hefelt,likeHerbertParker,thattherighteouswasnotforsaken.Itwasthesortofthingthatrestoredafellow'sfaithinhumannature.Fornearlyaweekhewentaboutinahappytrance:andwhen,bythriftandenterprise--thatistosay,bybettingReggievanTuylthattheNewYorkGiantswouldwintheopeninggameoftheseriesagainstthePittsburgbaseballteam--hecontrivedtodoublehiscapital,whatitamountedtowassimplythatlifehadnothingmoretooffer.HewasactuallyinapositiontogotoathousanddollarsforLucille'sbirthdaypresent.HegatheredinMr.vanTuyl,ofwhosetasteinthesemattershehadahighopinion,anddraggedhimofftoajeweller'son



Broadway.

Thejeweller,astout,comfortableman,leanedonthecounterandfingeredlovinglythebraceletwhichhehadliftedoutofitsnestofblueplush.Archie,leaningontheothersideofthecounter,inspectedthebraceletsearchingly,wishingthatheknewmoreaboutthesethings;forhehadratherasortofideathatthemerchantwasschemingtodohimintheeyeball.Inachairbyhisside,ReggievanTuyl,halfasleepasusual,yawneddespondently.HehadpermittedArchietolughimintothisshop;andhewantedtobuysomethingandgo.AnyformofsustainedconcentrationfatiguedReggie.

"Nowthis,"saidthejeweller,"Icoulddoateighthundredandfiftydollars."

"Grabit!"murmuredMr.vanTuyl.

Thejewellereyedhimapprovingly,amanafterhisownheart;butArchielookeddoubtful.ItwasallverywellforReggietotellhimtograbitinthatcarelessway.Reggiewasadashedmillionaire,andnodoubtboughtbraceletsbythepoundorthegrossorwhatnot;buthehimselfwasinanentirelydifferentposition.

"Eighthundredandfiftydollars!"hesaid,hesitating.

"Worthit,"mumbledReggievanTuyl.

"Morethanworthit,"amendedthejeweller."IcanassureyouthatitisbettervaluethanyoucouldgetanywhereonFifthAvenue."

"Yes?"saidArchie.Hetookthebraceletandtwiddleditthoughtfully."Well,mydearoldjeweller,onecan'tsayfairerthanthat,canone--ortwo,asthecasemaybe!"Hefrowned."Oh,well,allright!Butit'srummythatwomenaresofearfullykeenontheselittlethingummies,isn'tit?Imeantosay,can'tseewhattheyseeinthem.Stones,andallthat.Still,there,itis,ofcourse!"

"There,"saidthejeweller,"asyousay,itis,sir."

"Yes,thereitis!"

"Yes,thereitis,"saidthejeweller,"fortunatelyforpeopleinmylineofbusiness.Willyoutakeitwithyou,sir?"

Archiereflected.

"No.No,nottakeitwithme.Thefactis,youknow,mywife'scomingbackfromthecountryto-night,andit'sherbirthdayto-morrow,andthething'sforher,and,ifitwaspoppingabouttheplaceto-night,shemightseeit,anditwouldsortofspoilthesurprise.Imeantosay,

shedoesn'tknowI'mgivingither,andallthat!"

"Besides,"saidReggie,achievingacertainanimationnowthatthetediousbusinessinterviewwasconcluded,"goingtotheball-gamethisafternoon--mightgetpocketpicked--yes,betterhaveitsent."

"WhereshallIsendit,sir?"

"Eh?Oh,shootitalongtoMrs.ArchibaldMoffam,attheCosmopolis.Notto-day,youknow.Buzzitinfirstthingto-morrow."



Havingcompletedthesatisfactorydeal,thejewellerthrewoffthebusinessmannerandbecamechatty.

"Soyouaregoingtotheball-game?Itshouldbeaninterestingcontest."

ReggievanTuyl,now--byhisownstandards--completelyawake,tookexceptiontothisremark.

"Notabitofit!"hesaid,decidedly."Nocontest!Can'tcallitacontest!WalkoverforthePirates!"

Archiewasstungtothequick.Thereisthataboutbaseballwhicharousesenthusiasmandthepartisanspiritintheunlikeliestbosoms.ItisalmostimpossibleforamantoliveinAmericaandnotbecomegrippedbythegame;andArchiehadlongbeenoneofitswarmestadherents.Hewasawhole-heartedsupporteroftheGiants,andhisonlygrievanceagainstReggie,inotherrespectsanestimableyoungman,wasthatthelatter,whosemoneyhadbeeninheritedfromsteel-millsinthatcity,hadanabsurdregardforthePiratesofPittsburg.

"Whatabsoluteballyrot!"heexclaimed."LookwhattheGiantsdidtothemyesterday!"

"Yesterdayisn'tto-day,"saidReggie.

"No,it'llbeajollysightworse,"saidArchie."LooneyBiddle'llbepitchingfortheGiantsto-day."

"That'sjustwhatImean.ThePirateshavegothimrattled.Lookwhathappenedlasttime."

Archieunderstood,andhisgenerousnaturechafedattheinnuendo.LooneyBiddle--so-calledbyanaffectionatelyadmiringpublicastheresultofcertainmarkedeccentricities--wasbeyonddisputethegreatestleft-handedpitcherNewYorkhadpossessedinthelastdecade.Butthere

wasoneblotonMr.Biddle'sotherwisestainlessscutcheon.Fiveweeksbefore,ontheoccasionoftheGiants'invasionofPittsburg,hehadgonemysteriouslytopieces.Fewnative-bornpartisans,broughtuptobaseballfromthecradle,hadbeenplungedintoaprofoundergloomonthatoccasionthanArchie;buthissoulrevoltedatthethoughtthatthatsortofthingcouldeverhappenagain.

"I'mnotsaying,"continuedReggie,"thatBiddleisn'taveryfairpitcher,butit'scrueltosendhimagainstthePirates,andsomebodyoughttostopit.Hisbestfriendsshouldinterfere.Onceateamgetsapitcherrattled,he'sneveranygoodagainstthemagain.Heloseshisnerve."

Thejewellernoddedapprovalofthissentiment.

"Theynevercomeback,"hesaid,sententiously.

ThefightingbloodoftheMoffamswasnowthoroughlystirred.Archieeyedhisfriendsternly.Reggiewasagoodchap--inmanyrespectsanextremelysoundegg--buthemustnotbeallowedtotalkrotofthisdescriptionaboutthegreatestleft-handedpitcheroftheage.

"Itseemstome,oldcompanion,"hesaid,"thatasmallbetisindicated



atthisjuncture.Howaboutit?"

"Don'twanttotakeyourmoney."

"Youwon'thaveto!InthecooltwilightofthemerryoldsummereveningI,friendofmyyouthandcompanionofmyriperyears,shallbetrouseringyours."

Reggieyawned.Thedaywasveryhot,andthisargumentwasmakinghimfeelsleepyagain.

"Well,justasyoulike,ofcourse.Doubleorquitsonyesterday'sbet,ifthatsuitsyou."

ForamomentArchiehesitated.FirmashisfaithwasinMr.Biddle'sstoutleftarm,hehadnotintendedtodothethingonquitethisscale.ThatthousanddollarsofhiswasearmarkedforLucille'sbirthdaypresent,andhedoubtedwhetherheoughttoriskit.ThenthethoughtthatthehonourofNewYorkwasinhishandsdecidedhim.Besides,theriskwasnegligible.BettingonLooneyBiddlewaslikebettingontheprobableriseofthesunintheeast.ThethingbegantoseemtoArchiearatherunusuallysoundandconservativeinvestment.Herememberedthatthejeweller,untilhedrewhimfirmlybutkindlytoearthandurgedhimtocurbhisexuberanceandtalkbusinessonareasonableplane,had

startedbrandishingbraceletsthatcostabouttwothousand.Therewouldbetimetopopinattheshopthiseveningafterthegameandchangetheonehehadselectedforoneofthose.NothingwastoogoodforLucilleonherbirthday.

"Right-o!"hesaid."Makeitso,oldfriend!"

ArchiewalkedbacktotheCosmopolis.Nomisgivingscametomarhisperfectcontentment.HefeltnoqualmsaboutseparatingReggiefromanotherthousanddollars.ExceptforalittlesmallchangeinthepossessionoftheMessrs.RockefellerandVincentAstor,Reggiehadallthemoneyintheworldandcouldaffordtolose.Hehummedagayairasheenteredthelobbyandcrossedtothecigar-standtobuyafew

cigarettestoseehimthroughtheafternoon.

Thegirlbehindthecigarcounterwelcomedhimwithabrightsmile.ArchiewaspopularwithalltheemployesoftheCosmopolis.

"'Sagreatday,Mr.Moffam!"

"Oneofthebrightestandbest,"AgreedArchie."Couldyoudigmeouttwo,orpossiblythree,cigarettesoftheusualdescription?Ishallwantsomethingtosmokeattheball-game."

"Yougoingtotheball-game?"

"Rather!Wouldn'tmissitforafortune."

"No?"

"Absolutelyno!NotwithjollyoldBiddlepitching."

Thecigar-standgirllaughedamusedly.

"Ishepitchingthisafternoon?Say,thatfeller'sanut?D'youknowhim?"



"Knowhim?Well,I'veseenhimpitchandsoforth."

"I'vegotagirlfriendwho'sengagedtohim!"

Archielookedatherwithpositiverespect.Itwouldhavebeenmoredramatic,ofcourse,ifshehadbeenengagedtothegreatmanherself,butstillthemerefactthatshehadagirlfriendinthatastoundingpositiongaveherasortofhalo.

"No,really!"hesaid."Isay,byJove,really!Fancythat!"

"Yes,she'sengagedtohimallright.Beenengagedcloseonacouplamonthsnow."

"Isay!That'sfrightfullyinteresting!Fearfullyinteresting,really!"

"It'sfunnyaboutthatguy,"saidthecigar-standgirl."He'sanut!Thefellowwhosaidthere'splentyofroomatthetopmusthavebeenthinkingofGusBiddle'shead!He'scrazyaboutm'girlfriend,y'know,and,whenevertheyhaveafuss,itseemslikehesortoffliesrightoffthehandle."

"Goesinoffthedeepend,eh?"

"Yes,SIR!Loseswhatlittlesensehe'sgot.Why,thelasttimehimandm'girlfriendgottoscrappingwaswhenhewasgoingontoPittsburgtoplay,aboutamonthago.He'dbeenoutwithherthedayheleftforthere,andhehadagrouchorsomething,andhestartedmakinglow,sneakycracksaboutherUncleSigsbee.Well,m'girlfriend'sgotanicedisposition,butshec'ngetmad,andshejustlefthimflatandtoldhimallwasover.AndhewentofftoPittsburg,and,whenhestartedintopitchtheopeninggame,hejustcouldn'tkeephismindonhisjob,andlookwhatthemassassinsdonetohim!Fiverunsinthefirstinnings!Yessir,he'sanutallright!"

Archiewasdeeplyconcerned.Sothiswastheexplanationofthat

mysteriousdisaster,thatweirdtragedywhichhadpuzzledthesportingpressfromcoasttocoast.

"GoodGod!Isheoftentakenlikethat?"

"Oh,he'sallrightwhenhehasn'thadafusswithm'girlfriend,"saidthecigar-standgirl,indifferently.Herinterestinbaseballwastepid.Womenaretoooftenlikethis--merebutterflies,withnoconcernforthedeepersideoflife.

"Yes,butIsay!WhatImeantosay,youknow!Aretheyprettypallynow?ThegoodoldDoveofPeaceflappingitslittlewingsfairlybrisklyandallthat?"

"Oh,Iguesseverything'sniceandsmoothjustnow.Iseenm'girlfriendyesterday,andGuswastakinghertothemovieslastnight,soIguesseverything'sniceandsmooth."

Archiebreathedasighofrelief.

"Tookhertothemovies,didhe?Stoutfellow!"

"Iwasatthefunniestpicturelastweek,"saidthecigar-standgirl.



"Honest,itwasascream!Itwaslikethis--"

Archielistenedpolitely;thenwentintogetabiteoflunch.Hisequanimity,shakenbythediscoveryoftheriftinthepeerlessone'sarmour,wasrestored.GoodoldBiddlehadtakenthegirltothemovieslastnight.Probablyhehadsqueezedherhandagoodishbitinthedark.Withwhatresult?Why,thefellowwouldbefeelinglikeoneofthosechappieswhousedtojoustforthesmilesoffemalesintheMiddleAges.Whathemeanttosay,presumablythegirlwouldbeatthegamethisafternoon,whoopinghimon,andgoodoldBiddlewouldbesofullofbeansandbuckthattherewouldbenoholdinghim.

Encouragedbythesethoughts,Archielunchedwithanuntroubledmind.Luncheonconcluded,heproceededtothelobbytobuybackhishatandstickfromtheboybrigandwithwhomhehadleftthem.Itwaswhilehewasconductingthisfinancialoperationthatheobservedthatatthecigar-stand,whichadjoinedthecoat-and-hatalcove,hisfriendbehindthecounterhadbecomeengagedinconversationwithanothergirl.

Thiswasadeterminedlookingyoungwomaninabluedressandalargehatofaboldandfloweryspecies,Archiehappeningtoattractherattention,shegavehimaglanceoutofapairoffinebrowneyes,then,asifshedidnotthinkmuchofhim,turnedtohercompanionandresumedtheirconversation--which,beingofanessentiallyprivateandintimate

nature,sheconducted,afterthemannerofherkind,inaringingsopranowhichpenetratedintoeverycornerofthelobby.Archie,waitingwhilethebrigandreluctantlymadechangeforadollarbill,wasprivilegedtoheareveryword.

"RightfromthestartIseenhewasinauglymood.YOUknowhowhegets,dearie!Chewinghisupperlipandlookingatyouasifyouweresomuchdirtbeneathhisfeet!HowwasItoknowhe'dlostfifteendollarsfifty-fiveplayingpoker,andanyway,Idon'tseewherehegetsalicencetoworkoffhisgrouchesonme.AndItoldhimso.Isaidtohim,'Gus,'Isaid,'ifyoucan'tbebrightandsmilingandcheerfulwhenyoutakemeout,whydoyoucomeroundatall?WasIwrongorright,dearie?"

Thegirlbehindthecounterheartilyendorsedherconduct."Onceyouletamanthinkhecoulduseyouasadoor-mat,wherewereyou?"

"Whathappenedthen,honey?"

"Well,afterthatwewenttothemovies."

Archiestartedconvulsively.Thechangefromhisdollar-billleapedinhishand.Someofitsprangoverboardandtinkledacrossthefloor,withthebrigandinpursuit.Amonstroussuspicionhadbegun,totakerootinhismind.

"Well,wegotgoodseats,but--well,youknowhowitis,oncethingsstartgoingwrong.Youknowthathatofmine,theonewiththedaisiesandcherriesandthefeather--I'dtakenitoffandgivenithimtoholdwhenwewentin,andwhatdoyouthinkthatfell'r'ddone?Putitonthefloorandcrammeditundertheseat,justtosavehimselfthetroubleofholdingitonhislap!And,whenIshowedhimIwasupset,allhesaidwasthathewasapitcherandnotahatstand!"

Archiewasparalysed.Hepaidnoattentiontothehat-checkboy,whowastryingtoinducehimtoaccepttreasure-trovetotheamountof



forty-fivecents.Hiswholebeingwasconcentratedonthisfrightfultragedywhichhadburstuponhimlikeatidalwave.Nopossibleroomfordoubtremained."Gus"wastheonlyGusinNewYorkthatmattered,andthisresoluteandinjuredfemalebeforehimwastheGirlFriend,inwhoseslimhandsrestedthehappinessofNewYork'sbaseballfollowers,thedestinyoftheunconsciousGiants,andthefateofhisthousanddollars.Astrangledcroakproceededfromhisparchedlips.

"Well,Ididn'tsayanythingatthemoment.Itjustshowshowthemmoviescanworkonagirl'sfeelings.ItwasaBryantWashburnfilm,andsomehow,wheneverIseehimonthescreen,nothingelseseemstomatter.Ijustgetthatgoo-eyfeeling,andcouldn'tstartafightifyouaskedmeto.Sowegoofftohaveasoda,andIsaidtohim,'Thatsurewasalovelyfilm,Gus!'andwouldyoubelieveme,hesaysstraightoutthathedidn'tthinkitwassuchamuch,andhethoughtBryantWashburnwasapill!Apill!"TheGirlFriend'spenetratingvoiceshookwithemotion.

"Henever!"exclaimedtheshockedcigar-standgirl.

"Hedid,ifIdiethenextmoment!Iwasn'tmorethanhalf-waythroughmyvanillaandmaple,butIgotupwithoutawordandlefthim.AndIain'tseenasightofhimsince.Sothereyouare,dearie!WasIrightorwrong?"

Thecigar-standgirlgaveunqualifiedapproval.WhatmenlikeGusBiddleneededforthesalvationoftheirsoulswasanoccasionalgoodjoltrightwhereitwoulddomostgood.

"I'mgladyouthinkIactedright,dearie,"saidtheGirlFriend."IguessI'vebeentooweakwithGus,andhe'stookadvantageofit.Is'poseI'llhavetoforgivehimoneoftheseolddays,but,believeme,itwon'tbeforaweek."

Thecigar-standgirlwasinfavourofafortnight.

"No,"saidtheGirlFriend,regretfully."Idon'tbelieveIcouldholdoutthatlong.But,ifIspeaktohiminsideaweek,well--!Well,I

gottabegoing.Goodbye,honey."

Thecigar-standgirlturnedtoattendtoanimpatientcustomer,andtheGirlFriend,walkingwiththefirmanddecisivestepswhichindicatecharacter,madefortheswing-doorleadingtothestreet.Andasshewent,theparalysiswhichhadpippedArchiereleaseditshold.Stillignoringtheforty-fivecentswhichtheboycontinuedtoproffer,heleapedinherwakelikeapantherandcameuponherjustasshewassteppingintoacar.Thecarwasfull,butnottoofullforArchie.Hedroppedhisfivecentsintotheboxandreachedforavacantstrap.Helookeddownuponthefloweredhat.Thereshewas.Andtherehewas.Archierestedhisleftearagainsttheforearmofalong,strongly-builtyoungmaninagreysuitwhohadfollowedhimintothecarandwas

sharinghisstrap,andpondered.

CHAPTERXV.SUMMERSTORMS

Ofcourse,inaway,thethingwassimple.Thewheezewas,inasense,straightforwardanduncomplicated.Whathewantedtodowastopointout



totheinjuredgirlallthathungonher.Hewishedtotouchherheart,topleadwithher,todesirehertorestateherwar-aims,andtopersuadeher--beforethreeo'clockwhenthatstrickengentlemanwouldbesteppingintothepitcher'sboxtolooseoffthefirstballagainstthePittsburgPirates--toletbygonesbebygonesandforgiveAugustusBiddle.Buttheblightedproblemwas,howthedeucetofindtheopportunitytostart.Hecouldn'tyellatthegirlinacrowdedstreet-car;and,ifheletgoofhisstrapandbentoverher,somebodywouldsteponhisneck.

TheGirlFriend,whoforthefirstfiveminuteshadremainedentirelyconcealedbeneathherhat,nowsoughtdiversionbylookingupandexaminingthefacesoftheupperstrataofpassengers.HereyecaughtArchie'sinaglanceofrecognition,andhesmiledfeebly,endeavouringtoregisterbonhomieandgood-will.Hewassurprisedtoseeastartledexpressioncomeintoherbrowneyes.Herfaceturnedpink.Atleast,itwaspinkalready,butitturnedpinker.Thenextmoment,thecarhavingstoppedtopickupmorepassengers,shejumpedoffandstartedtohurryacrossthestreet.

Archiewasmomentarilytakenaback.Whenembarkingonthisbusinesshehadneverintendedittobecomeablendofotter-huntingandamoving-picturechase.Hefollowedheroffthecarwithasensethathisgripontheaffairwasslipping.Preoccupiedwiththesethoughts,he

didnotperceivethatthelongyoungmanwhohadsharedhisstraphadalightedtoo.HiseyeswerefixedonthevanishingfigureoftheGirlFriend,who,havingbuzzedatasmartpaceintoSixthAvenue,wasnowleggingitinthedirectionofthestaircaseleadingtooneofthestationsoftheElevatedRailroad.Dashingupthestairsafterher,heshortlyafterwardsfoundhimselfsuspendedasbeforefromastrap,gazinguponthenowfamiliarflowersontopofherhat.Fromanotherstrapfartherdownthecarriageswayedthelongyoungmaninthegreysuit.

Thetrainrattledon.Onceortwice,whenitstopped,thegirlseemedundecidedwhethertoleaveorremain.Shehalfrose,thensankbackagain.Finallyshewalkedresolutelyoutofthecar,andArchie,

following,foundhimselfinapartofNewYorkstrangetohim.Theinhabitantsofthisdistrictappearedtoekeoutaprecariousexistence,notbytakinginoneanother'swashing,butbysellingoneanothersecond-handclothes.

Archieglancedathiswatch.Hehadlunchedearly,butsocrowdedwithemotionshadbeentheperiodfollowinglunchthathewassurprisedtofindthatthehourwasonlyjusttwo.Thediscoverywasapleasantone.Withafullhourbeforethescheduledstartofthegame,muchmightbeachieved.Hehurriedafterthegirl,andcameupwithherjustassheturnedthecornerintooneofthoseforlornNewYorkside-streetswhicharepopulatedchieflybychildren,cats,desultoryloafers,andemptymeat-tins.

Thegirlstoppedandturned.Archiesmiledawinningsmile.

"Isay,mydearsweetcreature!"hesaid."Isay,mydearoldthing,onemoment!"

"Isthatso?"saidtheGirlFriend.

"Ibegyourpardon?"



"Isthatso?"

Archiebegantofeelcertaintremors.Hereyesweregleaming,andherdeterminedmouthhadbecomeaperfectlystraightlineofscarlet.Itwasgoingtobedifficulttobechattytothisgirl.Shewasgoingtobeahardaudience.Wouldmerewordsbeabletotouchherheart?Thethoughtsuggesteditselfthat,properlyspeaking,onewouldneedtouseapick-axe.

"Ifyoucouldsparemeacouplesofminutesofyourvaluabletime--"

"Say!"Theladydrewherselfupmenacingly."Youtieacantoyourselfanddisappear!Fadeaway,orI'llcallacop!"

Archiewashorrifiedatthismisinterpretationofhismotives.Oneortwochildren,playingcloseathand,andaloaferwhowastryingtokeepthewallfromfallingdown,seemedpleased.Theirswasacolourlessexistenceandtotherarepurplemomentswhichhadenliveneditinthepastthecallingofacophadbeentheunfailingpreliminary.Theloafernudgedafellow-loafer,sunninghimselfagainstthesamewall.Thechildren,abandoningthemeat-tinroundwhichtheirgamehadcentred,drewcloser.

"Mydearoldsoul!"saidArchie."Youdon'tunderstand!"

"Don'tI!Iknowyoursort,youtrailingarbutus!"

"No,no!Mydearoldthing,believeme!Iwouldn'tdream!"

"Areyougoingoraren'tyou?"

Elevenmorechildrenjoinedtheringofspectators.Theloafersstaredsilently,likeawakenedcrocodiles.

"But,Isay,listen!Ionlywanted--"

Atthispointanothervoicespoke.

"Say!"

Theword"Say!"morealmostthananywordintheAmericanlanguage,iscapableofavarietyofshadesofexpression.Itcanbegenial,itcanbejovial,itcanbeappealing.ItcanalsobetruculentThe"Say!"whichatthisjuncturesmoteuponArchie'sear-drumwithasuddennesswhichmadehimleapintheairwastruculent;andthetwoloafersandtwenty-sevenchildrenwhonowformedtheaudiencewerewellsatisfiedwiththedramaticdevelopmentoftheperformance.Totheirexperiencedearsthewordhadtherightring.

Archiespunround.Athiselbowstoodalong,strongly-builtyoungman

inagreysuit.

"Well!"saidtheyoungman,nastily.Andheextendedalarge,freckledfacetowardArchie's.Itseemedtothelatter,ashebackedagainstthewall,thattheyoungman'sneckmustbecomposedofindia-rubber.Itappearedtobegrowinglongereverymoment.Hisface,besidesbeingfreckled,wasadullbrick-redincolour;hislipscurledbackinanunpleasantsnarl,showingagoldtooth;andbesidehim,swayinginanominoussortofway,hungtwoclenchedredhandsaboutthesizeoftwoyounglegsofmutton.Archieeyedhimwithagrowingapprehension.There



aremomentsinlifewhen,passingidlyonourway,weseeastrangeface,lookintostrangeeyes,andwithasuddenglowofhumanwarmthsaytoourselves,"Wehavefoundafriend!"Thiswasnotoneofthosemoments.TheonlypersonArchiehadeverseeninhislifewholookedlessfriendlywasthesergeant-majorwhohadtrainedhimintheearlydaysofthewar,beforehehadgothiscommission.

"I'vehadmyeyeonyou!"saidtheyoungman.

Hestillhadhiseyeonhim.Itwasahot,gimlet-likeeye,anditpiercedtherecessesofArchie'ssoul.Hebackedalittlefartheragainstthewall.

Archiewasfranklydisturbed.Hewasnopoltroon,andhadprovedthefactonmanyoccasionsduringthedayswhentheentireGermanarmyseemedtobepickingonhimpersonally,buthehatedandshrankfromanythinginthenatureofaballypublicscene.

"What,"enquiredtheyoungman,stillbearingtheburdenoftheconversation,andshiftinghislefthandalittlefartherbehindhisback,"doyoumeanbyfollowingthisyounglady?"

Archiewasgladhehadaskedhim.Thiswaspreciselywhathewantedtoexplain.

"Mydearoldlad--"hebegan.

Inspiteofthefactthathehadaskedaquestionandpresumablydesiredareply,thesoundofArchie'svoiceseemedtobemorethantheyoungmancouldendure.Itdeprivedhimofthelastvestigeofrestraint.WitharaspingsnarlhebroughthisleftfistroundinasweepingsemicircleinthedirectionofArchie'shead.

Archiewasnonoviceintheartofself-defence.Sincehisearlydaysatschoolhehadlearnedmuchfromleather-facedprofessorsofthescience.Hehadbeenwatchingthisunpleasantyoungman'seyeswithcloseattention,andthelattercouldnothaveindicatedhisschemeofaction

moreclearlyifhehadsenthimaformalnote.Archiesawtheswingalltheway.Hesteppednimblyaside,andthefistcrashedagainstthewall.Theyoungmanfellbackwithayelpofanguish.

"Gus!"screamedtheGirlFriend,boundingforward.

Sheflungherarmsroundtheinjuredman,whowasruefullyexaminingahandwhich,alwaysofanout-size,wasnowswellingtostillfurtherdimensions.

"Gus,darling!"

AsuddenchillgrippedArchie.Soengrossedhadhebeenwithhismission

thatithadneveroccurredtohimthatthelove-lornpitchermighthavetakenitintohisheadtofollowthegirlaswellinthehopeofputtinginawordforhimself.Yetsuchapparentlyhadbeenthecase.Well,thishaddefinitelytornit.Twolovingheartswereunitedagainincompletereconciliation,butafatlotofgoodthatwas.ItwouldbedaysbeforethemisguidedLooneyBiddlewouldbeabletopitchwithahandlikethat.Itlookedlikeahamalready,andwasstillswelling.Probablythewristwassprained.Foratleastaweekthegreatestleft-handedpitcherofhistimewouldbeaboutasmuchusetotheGiantsinanyprofessionalcapacityasacoldinthehead.Andonthatcrippledhanddependedthe



fateofallthemoneyArchiehadintheworld.Hewishednowthathehadnotthwartedthefellow'ssimpleenthusiasm.Tohavehadhisheadknockedforciblythroughabrickwallwouldnothavebeenpleasant,buttheultimateoutcomewouldnothavebeenasunpleasantasthis.WithaheavyheartArchiepreparedtowithdraw,tobealonewithhissorrow.

Atthismoment,however,theGirlFriend,releasingherwoundedlover,madeasuddendashforhim,withtheplainestintentionofblottinghimfromtheearth.

"No,Isay!Really!"saidArchie,boundingbackwards."Imeantosay!"

Inaseriesofevents,allofwhichhadbeenabitthick,this,inhisopinion,achievedthemaximumofthickness.Itwastheextremeragged,outsideedgeofthelimit.Tobrawlwithafellow-maninapublicstreethadbeenbad,buttobebrawledwithbyagirl--theshotwasnotontheboard.Absolutelynotontheboard.Therewasonlyonethingtobedone.Itwasdashedundignified,nodoubt,forafellowtopickuptheoldwaukeesisandlegitinthefaceoftheenemy,buttherewasnoothercourse.Archiestartedtorun;and,ashedidso,oneoftheloafersmadethemistakeofgrippinghimbythecollarofhiscoat.

"Igothim!"observedtheloafer.-Thereisatimeforallthings.Thiswasessentiallynotthetimeforanyoneofthemalesextogripthe

collarofArchie'scoat.IfasyndicateofDempsey,Carpentier,andoneoftheZoogorillashadendeavouredtostayhisprogressatthatmoment,theywouldhavehadreasontoconsideritarashmove.Archiewantedtobeelsewhere,andthebloodofgenerationsofMoffams,manyofwhomhadswungawickedaxeinthefree-for-allmix-upsoftheMiddleAges,boiledwithinhimatanyattempttorevisehisplans.Therewasagooddealoftheloafer,butitwasallsoft.ReleasinghisholdwhenArchie'sheeltookhimshrewdlyontheshin,hereceivedanastypunchinwhatwouldhavebeenthemiddleofhiswaistcoatifhehadwornone,utteredagurglingbleatlikeawoundedsheep,andcollapsedagainstthewall.Archie,withatorncoat,roundedthecorner,andsprinteddownNinthAvenue.

Thesuddennessofthemovegavehimaninitialadvantage.Hewashalfwaydownthefirstblockbeforethevanguardofthepursuitpouredoutofthesidestreet.Continuingtotravelwell,heskimmedpastalargedraywhichhadpulledupacrosstheroad,andmovedon.Thenoiseofthosewhopursuedwasloudandclamorousintherear,butthedrayhidhimmomentarilyfromtheirsight,anditwasthisfactwhichledArchie,theoldcampaigner,totakehisnextstep.

Itwasperfectlyobvious--hewasawareofthiseveninthenovelexcitementofthechase--thatachappiecouldn'thoofitattwenty-fivemilesanhourindefinitelyalongamainthoroughfareofagreatcitywithoutexcitingremark.Hemusttakecover.Cover!Thatwasthewheeze.Helookedabouthimforcover.

"Youwantanicesuit?"

IttakesagreatdealtostartleyourcommercialNewYorker.Thesmalltailor,standinginhisdoorway,seemedinnowaysurprisedatthespectacleofArchie,whomhehadseenpassataconventionalwalksomefiveminutesbefore,returninglikethisattopspeed.HeassumedthatArchiehadsuddenlyrememberedthathewantedtobuysomething.

ThiswasexactlywhatArchiehaddone.Morethananythingelseinthe



world,whathewantedtodonowwastogetintothatshopandhavealongtalkaboutgents'clothing.Pullinghimselfupabruptly,heshotpastthesmalltailorintothediminterior.Aconfusedaromaofcheapclothinggreetedhim.Exceptforasmalloasisbehindagrubbycounter,practicallyalltheavailablespacewasoccupiedbysuits.Stiffsuits,lookinglikethebodywhendiscoveredbythepolice,hungfromhooks.Limpsuits,withtheappearanceofhavingswoonedfromexhaustion,layaboutonchairsandboxes.Theplacewasaclothmorgue,aSargassoSeaofserge.

Archiewouldnothavehaditotherwise.Inthesequietgrovesofclothingaregimentcouldhavelainhid.

"Somethingniftyintweeds?"enquiredthebusiness-likeproprietorofthishaven,followinghimamiablyintotheshop,"Or,maybe,yes,aniceserge?Say,mister,Igotasweetthinginbluesergethat'llfityoulikethepaperonthewall!"

Archiewantedtotalkaboutclothes,butnotyet.

"Isay,laddie,"hesaid,hurriedly."Lendme,yourearforhalfajiffy!"Outsidethebayingofthepackhadbecomeimminent."Stowmeawayforamomentintheundergrowth,andI'llbuyanythingyouwant."

Hewithdrewintothejungle.Thenoiseoutsidegrewinvolume.Thepursuithadbeendelayedforapricelessfewinstantsbythearrivalofanotherdray,movingnorthwards,whichhaddrawnlevelwiththefirstdrayanddexterouslybottledupthefairway.Thisobstaclehadnowbeenovercome,andtheoriginalsearchers,theirranksswelledbyafewdozenmoreoftheleisuredclasses,werehotonthetrailagain.

"Youdoneamurder?"enquiredthevoiceoftheproprietor,mildlyinterested,filteringthroughawallofcloth."Well,boyswillbeboys!"hesaid,philosophically."Seeanythingtherethatyoulike?Theresomesweetthingsthere!"

"I'minspectingthemnarrowly,"repliedArchie."Ifyoudon'tletthose

chappiesfindme,Ishouldn'tbesurprisedifIboughtone."

"One?"saidtheproprietor,withatouchofausterity.

"Two,"saidArchie,quickly."Orpossiblythreeorsix."

Theproprietor'scordialityreturned.

"Youcan'thavetoomanynicesuits,"hesaid,approvingly,"notayoungfellerlikeyouthatwantstolooknice.Allthenicegirlslikeayoungfellerthatdressesnice.WhenyougooutofhereinasuitIgothangingupthereattheback,thegirls'llbealloveryoulikefliesroundahoney-pot."

"Wouldyoumind,"saidArchie,"wouldyoumind,asapersonalfavourtome,oldcompanion,notmentioningthatword'girls'?"

Hebrokeoff.Aheavyfoothadcrossedthethresholdoftheshop.

"Say,uncle,"saidadeepvoice,oneofthosebeastlyvoicesthatonlythemostpoisonousblightershave,"youseenayoungfellerrunpasthere?"



"Youngfeller?"Theproprietorappearedtoreflect."Doyoumeanayoungfellerinblue,withaHomburghat?"

"That'stheduck!Welosthim.Wheredidhego?"

"Him!Why,hecomerunningpast,quickashecouldgo.Iwonderedwhathewasrunningfor,ahotdaylikethis.Hewentroundthecorneratthebottomoftheblock."

Therewasasilence.

"Well,Iguesshe'sgotaway,"saidthevoice,regretfully.

"Thewayhewastravelling,"agreedtheproprietor,"Iwouldn'tbesurprisedifhewasinEuropebythis.Youwantanicesuit?"

Theother,curtlyexpressingawishthattheproprietorwouldgotoeternalperditionandtakehisentirestockwithhim,stumpedout.

"This,"saidtheproprietor,tranquilly,burrowinghiswaytowhereArchiestoodandexhibitingasaffron-colouredoutrage,whichappearedtobeapoorrelationoftheflannelfamily,"wouldputyoubackfiftydollars.Andcheap!"

"Fiftydollars!"

"Sixty,Isaid.Idon'tspeakalwaysdistinct."

Archieregardedthedistressinggarmentwithashudderinghorror.Ayoungmanwithaneducatedtasteinclothes,itgotrightinamonghisnervecentres.

"But,honestly,oldsoul,Idon'twanttohurtyourfeelings,butthatisn'tasuit,it'sjustaregrettableincident!"

Theproprietorturnedtothedoorinalisteningattitude.

"IbelieveIhearthatfellercomingback,"hesaid.

Archiegulped.

"Howabouttryingiton?"hesaid."I'mnotsure,afterall,itisn'tfairlyripe."

"That'sthewaytotalk,"saidtheproprietor,cordially."Youtryiton.Youcan'tjudgeasuit,notarealnicesuitlikethis,bylookingatit.Youwanttoputiton.There!"Heledthewaytoadustymirroratthebackoftheshop."Isn'tthatabargainatseventydollars?...Why,say,yourmotherwouldbeproudifshecouldseeherboynow!"

Aquarterofanhourlater,theproprietor,lovinglykneadingalittlesheafofcurrencybills,eyedwithafondlooktheheapofclotheswhichlayonthecounter.

"AsnicealittlelotasI'veeverhadinmyshop!"Archiedidnotdenythis.Itwas,hethought,probablyonlytootrue.

"IonlywishIcouldseeyouwalkingupFifthAvenueinthem!"rhapsodisedtheproprietor."You'llgive'ematreat!Whatyougoing



todowith'em?Carry'emunderyourarm?"Archieshudderedstrongly."Well,then,Icansend'emforyouanywhereyoulike.It'sallthesametome.Where'llIsend'em?"

Archiemeditated.Thefuturewasblackenoughasitwas.Heshrankfromtheprospectofbeingconfrontednextday,attheheightofhismisery,withtheseappallingreach-me-downs.

Anideastruckhim.

"Yes,send'em,"hesaid.

"What'sthenameandaddress?"

"DanielBrewster,"saidArchie,"HotelCosmopolis."

Itwasalongtimesincehehadgivenhisfather-in-lawapresent.

Archiewentoutintothestreet,andbegantowalkpensivelydownanowpeacefulNinthAvenue.Outofthedepthsthatcoveredhim,blackasthepitfrompoletopole,nosinglerayofhopecametocheerhim.Hecouldnot,likethepoet,thankwhatevergodstherebeforhisunconquerablesoul,forhissoulwaslickedtoasplinter.Hefeltaloneandfriendlessinarottenworld.Withthebestintentions,hehadsucceeded

onlyinlandinghimselfsquarelyamongsttheribstons.Whyhadhenotbeencontentwithhiswealth,insteadofriskingitonthatblightedbetwithReggie?WhyhadhetrailedtheGirlFriend,dashher!Hemighthaveknownthathewouldonlymakeanassofhimself,And,becausehehaddoneso,LooneyBiddle'slefthand,thatpricelesslefthandbeforewhichopposingbattersquailedandwilted,wasoutofaction,restinginasling,careenedlikeadamagedbattleship;andanychancetheGiantsmighthavehadofbeatingthePirateswasgone--gone--assurelyasthatthousanddollarswhichshouldhaveboughtabirthdaypresentforLucille.

AbirthdaypresentforLucille!Hegroanedinbitternessofspirit.Shewouldbecomingbackto-night,deargirl,allsmilesandhappiness,

wonderingwhathewasgoingtogivehertomorrow.Andwhento-morrowdawned,allhewouldbeabletogiveherwouldbeakindsmile.Anicestateofthings!Ajollysituation!Athoroughlygoodegg,hedidNOTthink!

ItseemedtoArchiethatNature,contrarytoherusualcustomofindifferencetohumansuffering,wasmourningwithhim.Theskywasovercast,andthesunhadceasedtoshine.Therewasasortofsombrenessintheafternoon,whichfittedinwithhismood.Andthensomethingsplashedonhisface.

ItsaysmuchforArchie'spre-occupationthathisfirstthought,as,afterafewscattereddrops,asthoughthecloudsweresubmitting

samplesforapproval,thewholeskysuddenlybegantostreamlikeashower-bath,wasthatthiswassimplyanadditionalinflictionwhichhewascalledupontobear,Ontopofallhisothertroubleshewouldgetsoakedtotheskinorhavetohangaboutinsomedoorway.Hecursedrichly,andspedforshelter.

Therainwassettingaboutitsworkinearnest.Theworldwasfullofthatrending,swishingsoundwhichaccompaniesthemoreviolentsummerstorms.Thundercrashed,andlightningflickedoutofthegreyheavens.Outinthestreettheraindropsboundedupoffthestoneslikefairy



fountains.Archiesurveyedthemmoroselyfromhisrefugeintheentranceofashop.

Andthen,suddenly,likeoneofthoseflasheswhichwerelightingupthegloomysky,athoughtlituphismind.

"ByJove!Ifthiskeepsup,therewon'tbeaball-gameto-day!"

Withtremblingfingershepulledouthiswatch.Thehandspointedtofiveminutestothree.Ablessedvisioncametohimofamoistanddisappointedcrowdreceivingrain-checksupatthePoloGrounds.

"Switchiton,youblighters!"hecried,addressingtheleadenclouds."Switchitonmoreandmore!"

Itwasshortlybeforefiveo'clockthatayoungmanboundedintoajeweller'sshopneartheHotelCosmopolis--ayoungmanwho,inspiteofthefactthathiscoatwastornnearthecollarandthatheoozedwaterfromeveryinchofhisdrenchedclothes,appearedinthehighestspirits..Itwasonlywhenhespokethatthejewellerrecognisedinthehumanspongetheimmaculateyouthwhohadlookedinthatmorningtoorderabracelet.

"Isay,oldlad,"saidthisyoungman,"yourememberthatjollylittle

what-notyoushowedmebeforelunch?"

"Thebracelet,sir?"

"Asyouobservewithamanlycandourwhichdoesyoucredit,mydearoldjeweller,thebracelet.Well,produce,exhibit,andbringitforth,wouldyoumind?Trotitout!Slipitacrossonalordlydish!"

"Youwishedme,surely,toputitasideandsendittotheCosmopolisto-morrow?"

Theyoungmantappedthejewellerearnestlyonhissubstantialchest.

"WhatIwishedandwhatIwishnowaretwoballyseparateanddasheddistinctthings,friendofmycollegedays!Neverputofftillto-morrowwhatyoucandoto-day,andallthat!I'mnottakinganymorechances.Notforme!Forothers,yes,butnotforArchibald!Herearethedoubloons,producethejollybraceletThanks!"

ThejewellercountedthenoteswiththesameunctionwhichArchiehadobservedearlierinthedayintheproprietorofthesecond-handclothes-shop.Theprocessmadehimgenial.

"Anasty,wetday,sir,it'sbeen,"heobserved,chattily.

Archieshookhishead.

"Oldfriend,"hesaid,"you'reallwrong.Farotherwise,andnotabitlikeit,mydearoldtraffickeringems!You'veputyourfingerontheoneaspectofthisblightedp.m.thatreallydeservescreditandrespect.RarelyintheexperienceofalifetimehaveIencounteredadaysoabsolutelyballyinnearlyeveryshapeandform,buttherewasonethingthatsavedit,andthatwasitsmerryoldwetness!Toodle-oo,laddie!"

"Goodevening,sir,"saidthejeweller.



CHAPTERXVI.ARCHIEACCEPTSASITUATION

Lucillemovedherwristslowlyround,thebettertoexaminethenewbracelet.

"Youreallyareanangel,angel!"shemurmured.

"Likeit?"saidArchiecomplacently.

"LIKEit!Why,it'sgorgeous!Itmusthavecostafortune."

"Oh,nothingtospeakof.Justafewhard-earnedpiecesofeight.Justafewdoubloonsfromtheoldoakchest."

"ButIdidn'tknowtherewereanydoubloonsintheoldoakchest."

"Well,asamatteroffact,"admittedArchie,"atonepointintheproceedingsthereweren't.ButanauntofmineinEngland--peacebeonherhead!--happenedtosendmeachunkofthenecessaryatwhatyou

mightcallthepsychologicalmoment."

"Andyouspentitallonabirthdaypresentforme!Archie!"Lucillegazedatherhusbandadoringly."Archie,doyouknowwhatIthink?"

"What?"

"You'retheperfectman!"

"No,really!Whatho!"

"Yes,"saidLucillefirmly."I'velongsuspectedit,andnowIknow.Idon'tthinkthere'sanybodylikeyouintheworld."

Archiepattedherhand.

"It'sarummything,"heobserved,"butyourfathersaidalmostexactlythattomeonlyyesterday.OnlyIdon'tfancyhemeantthesameasyou.Tobeabsolutelyfrank,hisexactexpressionwasthathethankedGodtherewasonlyoneofme."

AtroubledlookcameintoLucille'sgreyeyes.

"It'sashameaboutfather.Idowishheappreciatedyou.Butyoumustn'tbetoohardonhim."

"Me?"saidArchie."Hardonyourfather?Well,dashitall,Idon'tthinkItreathimwithwhatyoumightcallactualbrutality,what!Imeantosay,mywholeideaisrathertokeepoutoftheoldlad'swayandcurlupinaballifIcan'tdodgehim.I'djustassoonbehardonastampedingelephant!Iwouldn'tfortheworldsayanythingderogatory,asitwere,toyourjollyoldpater,butthereisnogettingawayfromthefactthathe'sbywayofbeingoneofourleadingman-eatingfishes.ItwouldbeidletodenythatheconsidersthatyouletdowntheproudoldnameofBrewsterabitwhenyoubroughtmeinandlaidmeonthemat."



"Anyonewouldbeluckytogetyouforason-in-law,precious."

"Ifearme,lightofmylife,thedaddoesn'tseeeyetoeyewithyouonthatpoint.No,everytimeIgetholdofadaisy,Igivehimanotherchance,butitalwaysworksoutat'Helovesmenot!'"

"Youmustmakeallowancesforhim,darling."

"Right-o!ButIhopedevoutlythathedoesn'tcatchmeatit.I'veasortofideathatiftheolddaddiscoveredthatIwasmakingallowancesforhim,hewouldhavefromtentofifteenfits."

"He'sworriedjustnow,youknow."

"Ididn'tknow.Hedoesn'tconfideinmemuch."

"He'sworriedaboutthatwaiter."

"Whatwaiter,queenofmysoul?"

"AmancalledSalvatore.Fatherdismissedhimsometimeago."

"Salvatore!"

"Probablyyoudon'trememberhim.Heusedtowaitonthistable."

"Why--"

"Andfatherdismissedhim,apparently,andnowthere'sallsortsoftrouble.Yousee,fatherwantstobuildthisnewhotelofhis,andhethoughthe'dgotthesiteandeverythingandcouldstartbuildingrightaway:andnowhefindsthatthismanSalvatore'smotherownsalittlenewspaperandtobaccoshoprightinthemiddleofthesite,andthere'snowayofgettinghimoutwithoutbuyingtheshop,andhewon'tsell.Atleast,he'smadehismotherpromisethatshewon'tsell."

"Aboy'sbestfriendishismother,"saidArchieapprovingly."Ihadasortofideaallalong--"

"Sofather'sindespair."

Archiedrewathiscigarettemeditatively.

"Irememberachappie--apolicemanhewas,asamatteroffact,andincidentallyafairlypronouncedblighter--remarkingtomesometimeagothatyoucouldtrampleonthepoorman'sfacebutyoumustn'tbesurprisedifhebityouinthelegwhileyouweredoingit.Apparentlythisiswhathashappenedtotheolddad.IhadasortofideaallalongthatoldfriendSalvatorewouldcomeoutstrongintheendifyouonly

gavehimtime.Brainysortoffeller!Greatpalofmine."-Lucille'ssmallfacelightened.ShegazedatArchiewithproudaffection.Shefeltthatsheoughttohaveknownthathewastheonetosolvethisdifficulty.

"You'rewonderful,darling!Ishereallyafriendofyours?"

"Absolutely.Many'sthetimeheandIhavechattedinthisverygrill-room."



"Thenit'sallright.Ifyouwenttohimandarguedwithhim,hewouldagreetoselltheshop,andfatherwouldbehappy.Thinkhowgratefulfatherwouldbetoyou!Itwouldmakeallthedifference."

Archieturnedthisoverinhismind.

"Somethinginthat,"heagreed.

"Itwouldmakehimseewhatapetlambkinyoureallyare!"

"Well,"saidArchie,"I'mboundtosaythatanyschemewhichwhatyoumightcallculminatesinyourfatherregardingmeasapetlambkinoughttoreceiveone'sbestattention.HowmuchdidheofferSalvatoreforhisshop?"

"Idon'tknow.Thereisfather.--Callhimoverandaskhim."

ArchieglancedovertowhereMr.Brewsterhadsunkmoodilyintoachairataneighbouringtable.ItwasplainevenatthatdistancethatDanielBrewsterhadhistroublesandwasbearingthemwithanillgrace.Hewasscowlingabsentlyatthetable-cloth.

"YOUcallhim,"saidArchie,havinginspectedhisformidablerelative."Youknowhimbetter."

"Let'sgoovertohim."

Theycrossedtheroom.Lucillesatdownoppositeherfather.-Archiedrapedhimselfoverachairinthebackground.

"Father,dear,"saidLucille."Archiehasgotanidea."

"Archie?"saidMr.Brewsterincredulously.

"Thisisme,"saidArchie,indicatinghimselfwithaspoon."Thetall,distinguished-lookingbird."

"Whatnewfool-thingisheuptonow?"

"It'sasplendididea,father.Hewantstohelpyouoveryournewhotel."

"Wantstorunitforme,Isuppose?"

"ByJove!"saidArchie,reflectively."That'snotabadscheme!Ineverthoughtofrunninganhotel.Ishouldn'tmindtakingastabatit."

"HehasthoughtofawayofgettingridofSalvatoreandhisshop."

ForthefirsttimeMr.Brewster'sinterestintheconversationseemedto

stir.Helookedsharplyathisson-in-law.

"Hehas,hashe?"hesaid.

Archiebalancedarollonaforkandinsertedaplateunderneath.Therollboundedawayintoacorner.

"Sorry!"saidArchie."Myfault,absolutely!Ioweyouaroll.I'llsignabillforit.Oh,aboutthissportsmanSalvatore,Well,it'slikethis,youknow.HeandIaregreatpals.I'veknownhimforyearsandyears.



Atleast,itseemslikeyearsandyears.LuwassuggestingthatIseekhimoutinhislairandensnarehimwithmydiplomaticmannerandsuperiorbrainpowerandwhatnot."

"Itwasyouridea,precious,"saidLucille.

Mr.Brewsterwassilent.--Muchasitwentagainstthegraintohavetoadmitit,thereseemedtobesomethinginthis.

"Whatdoyouproposetodo?"

"Becomeajollyoldambassador.Howmuchdidyouofferthechappie?"

"Threethousanddollars.Twiceasmuchastheplaceisworth.He'sholdingoutonmeforrevenge."

"Ah,buthowdidyouofferittohim,what?Imeantosay,Ibetyougotyourlawyertowritehimaletterfullofwhereases,peradventures,andpartiesofthefirstpart,andsoforth.Nogood,oldcompanion!"

"Don'tcallmeoldcompanion!"

"Allwrong,laddie!Nothinglikeit,dearheart!Nogoodatall,friendofmyyouth!TakeitfromyourUncleArchibald!I'mastudentofhuman

nature,andIknowathingortwo."

"That'snotmuch,"growledMr.Brewster,whowasfindinghisson-in-law'ssuperiormanneralittletrying.

"Now,don'tinterrupt,father,"saidLucille,severely."Can'tyouseethatArchieisgoingtobetremendouslycleverinaminute?"

"He'sgottoshowme!"

"Whatyououghttodo,"saidArchie,"istoletmegoandseehim,takingthestuffincracklingbills.I'llrollthemaboutonthetableinfrontofhim.That'llfetchhim!"HeproddedMr.Brewster

encouraginglywitharoll."I'lltellyouwhattodo.Givemethreethousandofthebestandcrispest,andI'llundertaketobuythatshop.Itcan'tfail,laddie!"

"Don'tcallmeladdie!"Mr.Brewsterpondered."Verywell,"hesaidatlast."Ididn'tknowyouhadsomuchsense,"headdedgrudgingly.

"Oh,positively!"saidArchie."BeneatharuggedexteriorIhideabrainlikeabuzz-saw.Sense?Iexudeit,laddie;Idripwithit."

ThereweremomentsduringtheensuingdayswhenMr.Brewsterpermittedhimselftohope;butmorefrequentwerethemomentswhenhetoldhimselfthatapronouncedchumplikehisson-in-lawcouldnotfailsomehowto

makeamessofthenegotiations.Hisrelief,therefore,whenArchiecurvetedintohisprivateroomandannouncedthathehadsucceededwasgreat.

"Youreallymanagedtomakethatwopsellout?"

Archiebrushedsomepapersoffthedeskwithacarelessgesture,andseatedhimselfonthevacantspot.

"Absolutely!Ispoketohimasoneoldfriendtoanother,sprayedthe



billsallovertheplace;andhesangafewbarsfrom'Rigoletto,'andsignedonthedottedline."

"You'renotsuchafoolasyoulook,"ownedMr.Brewster.

Archiescratchedamatchonthedeskandlitacigarette.

"It'sajollylittleshop,"hesaid."Itookquiteafancytoit.Fullofnewspapers,don'tyouknow,andcheapnovels,andsomeweird-lookingsortofchocolates,andcigarswiththemostfearfullyattractivelabels.IthinkI'llmakeasuccessofit.It'sbanginthemiddleofadashedgoodneighbourhood.Oneofthesedayssomebodywillbebuildingabighotelroundaboutthere,andthat'llhelptradealot.Ilookforwardtoendingmydaysontheothersideofthecounterwithafullsetofwhitewhiskersandaskull-cap,belovedbyeverybody.Everybody'llsay,'Oh,youMUSTpatronisethatquaint,delightfuloldblighter!He'squiteacharacter.'"

Mr.Brewster'sairofgrimsatisfactionhadgivenwaytoalookofdiscomfort,almostofalarm.Hepresumedhisson-in-lawwasmerelyindulginginbadinage;butevenso,hiswordswerenotsoothing.

"Well,I'mmuchobliged,"hesaid."Thatinfernalshopwasholdingupeverything.NowIcanstartbuildingrightaway."

Archieraisedhiseyebrows.

"But,mydearoldtop,I'msorrytospoilyourdaydreamsandstopyouchasingrainbows,andallthat,butaren'tyouforgettingthattheshopbelongstome?Idon'tatallknowthatIwanttosell,either!"

"Igaveyouthemoneytobuythatshop!"

"Anddashedgenerousofyouitwas,too!"admittedArchie,unreservedly."Itwasthefirstmoneyyouevergaveme,andIshallalways,tellinterviewersthatitwasyouwhofoundedmyfortunes.Someday,whenI'mtheNewspaper-and-Tobacco-ShopKing,I'lltelltheworldallaboutitin

myautobiography."

Mr.Brewsterrosedangerouslyfromhisseat.

"Doyouthinkyoucanholdmeup,you--youworm?"

"Well,"saidArchie,"thewayIlookatitisthis.Eversincewemet,you'vebeenaftermetobecomeoneoftheworld'sworkers,andearnalivingformyself,andwhatnot;andnowIseeawaytorepayyouforyourconfidenceandencouragement.You'lllookmeupsometimesatthegoodoldshop,won'tyou?"Heslidoffthetableandmovedtowardsthedoor."Therewon'tbeanyformalitieswhereyouareconcerned.Youcansignbillsforanyreasonableamountanytimeyouwantacigarora

stickofchocolate.Well,toodle-oo!"

"Stop!"

"Nowwhat?"

"Howmuchdoyouwantforthatdamnedshop?"

"Idon'twantmoney.-Iwantajob.-Ifyouaregoingtotakemylife-workawayfromme,yououghttogivemesomethingelsetodo."



"Whatjob?"

"Yousuggestedityourselftheotherday.Iwanttomanageyournewhotel."

"Don'tbeafool!Whatdoyouknowaboutmanaginganhotel?"

"Nothing.Itwillbeyourpleasingtasktoteachmethebusinesswhiletheshantyisbeingrunup."

Therewasapause,whileMr.Brewsterchewedthreeinchesoffapen-holder.

"Verywell,"hesaidatlast.

"Topping!"saidArchie."Iknewyou'd,seeit.I'llstudyyourmethods,what!Addingsomeofmyown,ofcourse.Youknow,I'vethoughtofoneimprovementontheCosmopolisalready."

"ImprovementontheCosmopolis!"criedMr.Brewster,gashedinhisfinestfeelings.

"Yes.There'sonepointwheretheoldCosmopslipsupbadly,andI'm

goingtoseethatit'scorrectedatmylittleshack.Customerswillbeentreatedtoleavetheirbootsoutsidetheirdoorsatnight,andthey'llfindthemcleanedinthemorning.Well,pip,pip!Imustbepopping.Timeismoney,youknow,withusbusinessmen."

CHAPTERXVII.BROTHERBILL'SROMANCE

"Hereyes,"saidBillBrewster,"arelike--like--what'sthewordIwant?"

HelookedacrossatLucilleandArchie.Lucillewasleaningforwardwithaneagerandinterestedface;Archiewasleaningbackwithhisfinger-tipstogetherandhiseyesclosed.ThiswasnotthefirsttimesincetheirmeetinginBeale'sAuctionRoomsthathisbrother-in-lawhadtouchedonthesubjectofthegirlhehadbecomeengagedtomarryduringhistriptoEngland.Indeed,BrotherBillhadtouchedonverylittleelse:andArchie,thoughofasympatheticnatureandfondofhisyoungrelative,wasbeginningtofeelthathehadheardallhewishedtohearaboutMabelWinchester.Lucille,ontheotherhand,wasabsorbed.Herbrother'srecitalhadthrilledher.

"Like--"saidBill."Like--"

"Stars?"suggestedLucille.

"Stars,"saidBillgratefully."Exactlytheword.Twinstarsshininginaclearskyonasummernight.Herteetharelike--whatshallIsay?"

"Pearls?"

"Pearls.Andherhairisalovelybrown,likeleavesinautumn.Infact,"concludedBill,slippingdownfromtheheightswithsomethingof



ajerk,"she'sacorker.Isn'tshe,Archie?"

Archieopenedhiseyes.

"Quiteright,oldtop!"hesaid."Itwastheonlythingtodo."

"Whatthedevilareyoutalkingabout?"demandedBillcoldly.HehadbeensuspiciousallalongofArchie'sstatementthathecouldlistenbetterwithhiseyesshut.

"Eh?Oh,sorry!Thinkingofsomethingelse."

"Youwereasleep."

"No,no,positivelyanddistinctlynot.Frightfullyinterestedandraptandallthat,onlyIdidn'tquitegetwhatyousaid."

"IsaidthatMabelwasacorker."

"Oh,absolutelyineveryrespect."

"There!"BillturnedtoLucilletriumphantly."Youhearthat?AndArchiehasonlyseenherphotograph.Waittillheseesherintheflesh."

"Mydearoldchap!"saidArchie,shocked."Ladiespresent!Imeantosay,what!"

"I'mafraidthatfatherwillbetheoneyou'llfindithardtoconvince."

"Yes,"admittedherbrothergloomily.

"YourMabelsoundsperfectlycharming,but--well,youknowwhatfatheris.ItISapityshesingsinthechorus."

"She-hasn'tmuchofavoice,"-arguedBill-inextenuation.

"Allthesame--"

Archie,theconversationhavingreachedatopiconwhichheconsideredhimselfoneofthegreatestlivingauthorities--towit,theunlovabledispositionofhisfather-in-law--addressedthemeetingasonewhohasarighttobeheard.

"Lucille'sabsolutelyright,oldthing.--Absolutelycorrect-o!Youresteemedprogenitorisaprettytoughnut,andit'snogoodtryingtogetawayfromit.-AndI'msorrytohavetosayit,oldbird,but,ifyoucomeboundinginwithpartofthepersonneloftheensembleonyourarmandtrytodigafather'sblessingoutofhim,he'sextremelyapttostabyouinthegizzard."

"Iwish,"saidBill,annoyed,"youwouldn'ttalkasthoughMabelweretheordinarykindofchorus-girl.She'sonlyonthestagebecausehermother'shard-upandshewantstoeducateherlittlebrother."

"Isay,"saidArchie,concerned."Takemytip,oldtop.Inchattingthematteroverwiththepater,don'tdwelltoomuchonthataspectoftheaffair.--I'vebeenwatchinghimclosely,andit'saboutallhecanstick,havingtosupportME.Ifyouringinamotherandalittlebrotheronhim,he'llcrackunderthestrain."



"Well,I'vegottodosomethingaboutit.Mabelwillbeoverhereinaweek."

"GreatScot!Younevertoldusthat."

"Yes.She'sgoingtobeinthenewBillingtonshow.And,naturally,shewillexpecttomeetmyfamily.I'vetoldherallaboutyou."

"Didyouexplainfathertoher?"askedLucille.

"Well,Ijustsaidshemustn'tmindhim,ashisbarkwasworsethanhisbite."

"Well,"saidArchie,thoughtfully,"hehasn'tbittenmeyet,soyoumayberight.Butyou'vegottoadmitthathe'sabitofabarker."

Lucilleconsidered.

"Really,Bill,Ithinkyourbestplanwouldbetogostraighttofatherandtellhimthewholething.--Youdon'twanthimtohearaboutitinaroundaboutway."

"Thetroubleisthat,wheneverI'mwithfather,Ican'tthinkof

anythingtosay."

Archiefoundhimselfenvyinghisfather-in-lawthismercifuldispensationofProvidence;for,wherehehimselfwasconcerned,therehadbeennolackofeloquenceonBill'spart.Inthebriefperiodinwhichhehadknownhim,Billhadtalkedallthetimeandalwaysontheonetopic.AsunpromisingasubjectasthetarifflawswaseasilydivertedbyhimintoadiscussionoftheabsentMabel.

"WhenI'mwithfather,"saidBill,"Isortoflosemynerve,andyammer."

"Dashedawkward,"saidArchie,politely.Hesatupsuddenly."Isay!By

Jove!Iknowwhatyouwant,oldfriend!Justthoughtofit!"

"Thatbusybrainisneverstill,"explainedLucille.

"Sawitinthepaperthismorning.Anadvertisementofabook,don'tyouknow."

"I'venotimeforreading."

"You'vetimeforreadingthisone,laddie,foryoucan'taffordtomissit.It'sawhat-d'you-call-itbook.WhatImeantosayis,ifyoureaditandtakeitstipstoheart,itguaranteestomakeyouaconvincingtalker.Theadvertisementsaysso.Theadvertisement'sallabouta

chappiewhosenameIforget,whomeverybodylovedbecausehetalkedsowell.And,markyou,beforehegotholdofthisbook--ThePersonalityThatWinswasthenameofit,ifIrememberrightly--hewasknowntoalltheladsintheofficeasSilentSamuelorsomething.OritmayhavebeenTongue-TiedThomas.Well,onedayhehappenedbygoodlucktoblowinthenecessaryforthegoodoldP.thatW.'s,andnow,whenevertheywantsomeonetogoandtalkRockefellerorsomeoneintolendingthemamillionorso,theysendforSamuel.OnlynowtheycallhimSammytheSpell-Binderandfawnuponhimprettycopiouslyandallthat.Howaboutit,oldson?Howdowego?"



"Whatperfectnonsense,"saidLucille.

"Idon'tknow,"saidBill,plainlyimpressed."Theremightbesomethinginit."

"Absolutely!"saidArchie."Irememberitsaid,'Talkconvincingly,andnomanwillevertreatyouwithcold,unresponsiveindifference.'Well,cold,unresponsiveindifferenceisjustwhatyoudon'twantthepatertotreatyouwith,isn'tit,orisit,orisn'tit,what?Imean,what?"

"Itsoundsallright,"saidBill.

"ItISallright,"saidArchie."It'sascheme!I'llgofarther.It'sanegg!"

"TheideaIhad,"saidBill,"wastoseeifIcouldn'tgetMabelajobinsomestraightcomedy.Thatwouldtakethecurseoffthethingabit.ThenIwouldn'thavetodwellonthechorusendofthebusiness,yousee."

"Muchmoresensible,"saidLucille.

"Butwhata-deuceofasweat"--arguedArchie."Imeantosay,havingto

poproundandnoseaboutandallthat."

"Aren'tyouwillingtotakealittletroubleforyourstrickenbrother-in-law,worm?"saidLucilleseverely.

"Oh,absolutely!Myideawastogetthisbookandcoachthedearoldchap.Rehearsehim,don'tyouknow.Hecouldboneuptheearlychaptersabitandthendriftroundandtryhisconvincingtalkonme."

"Itmightbeagoodidea,"saidBillreflectively.

"Well,I'lltellyouwhatI'mgoingtodo,"saidLucille."I'mgoingtogetBilltointroducemetohisMabel,and,ifshe'sasniceashe

sayssheis,I'llgotofatherandtalkconvincinglytohim."

"You'reanace!"saidBill.

"Absolutely!"agreedArchiecordially."MYpartner,what!Allthesame,weoughttokeepthebookasasecondstring,youknow.Imeantosay,youareayounganddelicatelynurturedgirl--fullofsensibilityandshrinkingwhat's-its-nameandallthat--andyouknowwhatthejollyoldpateris.Hemightbarkatyouandputyououtofactioninthefirstround.Well,then,ifanythinglikethathappened,don'tyousee,wecouldunleasholdBill,thetrainedsilver-tonguedexpert,andlethimhaveashot.Personally,I'mallfortheP.thatW.'s."-"Me,too,"saidBill.

Lucillelookedatherwatch.

"Goodgracious!It'snearlyoneo'clock!"

"No!"Archieheavedhimselfupfromhischair."Well,it'sashametobreakupthisfeastofreasonandflowofsoulandallthat,but,ifwedon'tlegitwithsomespeed,weshallbelate."

"We'relunchingattheNicholson's!"explainedLucilletoherbrother.



"Iwishyouwerecomingtoo."

"Lunch!"Billshookhisheadwithakindoftolerantscorn."Lunchmeansnothingtomethesedays.I'veotherthingstothinkofbesidesfood."Helookedasspiritualashisruggedfeatureswouldpermit."Ihaven'twrittentoHeryetto-day."

"But,dashit,oldscream,ifshe'sgoingtobeoverhereinaweek,what'sthegoodofwriting?Theletterwouldcrossher."

"I'mnotmailingmyletterstoEngland."saidBill."I'mkeepingthemforhertoreadwhenshearrives."

"Mysaintedaunt!"saidArchie.

Devotionlikethiswassomethingbeyondhisoutlook.

CHAPTERXVIII.THESAUSAGECHAPPIE

ThepersonalitythatwinscostArchietwodollarsincashandalotof

embarrassmentwhenheaskedforitatthestore.Tobuyatreatiseofthatnamewouldautomaticallyseemtoarguethatyouhaven'tawinningpersonalityalready,andArchiewasatsomepainstoexplaintothegirlbehindthecounterthathewanteditforafriend.ThegirlseemedmoreinterestedinhisEnglishaccentthaninhisexplanation,andArchiewasuncomfortablyaware,ashereceded,thatshewaspractisingitinanundertoneforthebenefitofhercolleaguesandfellow-workers.However,whatisalittlediscomfort,ifenduredinfriendship'sname?

HewasproceedingupBroadwayafterleavingthestorewhenheencounteredReggievanTuyl,whowasdriftingalonginsomnambulisticfashionnearThirty-NinthStreet.

"Hullo,Reggieoldthing!"saidArchie.

"Hullo!"saidReggie,amanoffewwords.

"I'vejustbeenbuyingabookforBillBrewster,"wentonArchie."ItappearsthatoldBill--What'sthematter?"

Hebrokeoffhisrecitalabruptly.Asortofspasmhadpassedacrosshiscompanion'sfeatures.ThehandholdingArchie'sarmhadtightenedconvulsively.OnewouldhavesaidthatReginaldhadreceivedashock.

"It'snothing,"saidReggie."I'mallrightnow.Icaughtsightofthatfellow'sclothesrathersuddenly.Theyshookmeabit.I'mallright

now,"hesaid,bravely.

Archie,followinghisfriend'sgaze,understood.ReggievanTuylwasneverathisstrongestinthemorning,andhehadasensitiveeyeforclothes.Hehadbeenknowntoresignfromclubsbecausemembersexceededtheboundsinthematterofsoftshirtswithdinner-jackets.Andtheshort,thick-setmanwhowasstandingjustinfrontoftheminattitudeofrestfulimmobilitywascertainlynodandy.Hisbestfriendcouldnothavecalledhimdapper.Takehimforallinallandonthehoof,hemighthavebeenposingasamodelforasketchofWhattheWell-Dressed



ManShouldNotWear.

Incostume,asinmostotherthings,itisbesttotakeadefinitelineandsticktoit.Thismanhadobviouslyvacillated.Hisneckwasswathedinagreenscarf;heworeanevening-dresscoat;andhislowerlimbsweredrapedinapairoftweedtrousersbuiltforalargerman.Tothenorthhewasboundedbyastrawhat,tothesouthbybrownshoes.

Archiesurveyedtheman'sbackcarefully.

"Bitthick!"hesaid,sympathetically."ButofcourseBroadwayisn'tFifthAvenue.WhatImeantosayis,Bohemianlicenceandwhatnot.Broadway'scrammedwithdeucedbrainydevilswhodon'tcarehowtheylook.Probablythisbirdisamaster-mindofsomespecies."

"Allthesame,man'snorighttowearevening-dresscoatwithtweedtrousers."

"Absolutelynot!Iseewhatyoumean."

Atthispointthesartorialoffenderturned.Seenfromthefront,hewasevenmoreunnerving.Heappearedtopossessnoshirt,thoughthisdefectwasoffsetbythefactthatthetweedtrousersfittedsnuglyunderthearms.Hewasnotahandsomeman.Athisbesthecouldneverhavebeen

that,andintherecentpasthehadmanagedtoacquireascarthatranfromthecornerofhismouthhalf-wayacrosshischeek.Evenwhenhisfacewasinreposehehadanoddexpression;andwhen,ashechancedtodonow,hesmiled,oddbecameamildadjective,quiteinadequateforpurposesofdescription.Itwasnotanunpleasantface,however.Unquestionablygenial,indeed.Therewassomethinginitthathadaqualityofhumorousappeal.

Archiestarted.Hestaredattheman,Memorystirred.

"GreatScot!"hecried."It'stheSausageChappie!"

ReginaldvanTuylgavealittlemoan.Hewasnotusedtothissortof

thing.Asensitiveyoungmanasregardedscenes,Archie'sbehaviourunmannedhim.ForArchie,releasinghisarm,hadboundedforwardandwasshakingtheother'shandwarmly.

"Well,well,well!Mydearoldchap!Youmustrememberme,what?No?Yes?"

Themanwiththescarseemedpuzzled.Heshuffledthebrownshoes,pattedthestrawhat,andeyedArchiequestioningly.

"Idon'tseemtoplaceyou,"hesaid.

Archieslappedthebackoftheevening-dresscoat.Helinkedhisarm

affectionatelywiththatofthedress-reformer.

"WemetoutsideStMihielinthewar.Yougavemeabitofsausage.Oneofthemostsportingeventsinhistory.Nobodybutarealsportsmanwouldhavepartedwithabitofsausageatthatmomenttoastranger.Neverforgottenit,byJove.Savedmylife,absolutely.Hadn'tchewedamorseforeighthours.Well,haveyougotanythingon?Imeantosay,youaren'tbookedforlunchoranyrotofthatspecies,areyou?Fine!ThenImovewealltoddleoffandgetabitesomewhere."Hesqueezedtheother'sarmfondly."Fancymeetingyouagainlikethis!I'veoften



wonderedwhatbecameofyou.But,byJove,Iwasforgetting.Dashedrudeofme.Myfriend,Mr.vanTuyl."

Reggiegulped.Thelongerhelookedatit,theharderthisman'scostumewastobear.Hiseyepassedshudderinglyfromthebrownshoestothetweedtrousers,tothegreenscarf,fromthegreenscarftothestrawhat.

"Sorry,"hemumbled."Justremembered.Importantdate.Latealready.Er--seeyousometime--"

Hemeltedaway,abrokenman.Archiewasnotsorrytoseehimgo.Reggiewasagoodchap,buthewouldundoubtedlyhavebeendetropatthisreunion.

"IvotewegototheCosmopolis,"hesaid,steeringhisnewly-foundfriendthroughthecrowd."Thebrowsingandsluicingisn'tbadthere,andIcansignthebillwhichisnosmallconsiderationnowadays."

TheSausageChappiechuckledamusedly.

"Ican'tgotoaplaceliketheCosmopolislookinglikethis."

Archie,wasalittleembarrassed.

"Oh,Idon'tknow,youknow,don'tyouknow!"hesaid."Still,sinceyouhavebroughtthetopicup,youDIDgetthegoodoldwardrobeabitmixedthismorningwhat?Imeantosay,youseemabsent-mindedly,asitwere,tohavegotholdofsamplesfromagoodnumberofyourvarioussuitings."

"Suitings?Howdoyoumean,suitings?Ihaven'tanysuitings!WhodoyouthinkIam?VincentAstor?AllIhaveiswhatIstandupin."

Archiewasshocked.Thistragedytouchedhim.Hehimselfhadneverhadanymoneyinhislife,butsomehowhehadalwaysseemedtomanagetohaveplentyofclothes.Howthiswashecouldnotsay.Hehadalwayshad

avaguesortofideathattailorswerekindlybirdswhoneverfailedtohaveapairoftrousersorsomethinguptheirsleevetopresenttothedeserving.Therewasthedrawback,ofcourse,thatoncetheyhadgivenyouthingstheywereapttowriteyouratheralotoflettersaboutit;butyousoonmanagedtorecognisetheirhandwriting,andthenitwasasimpletasktoextracttheircommunicationsfromyourmorningmailanddroptheminthewaste-paperbasket.Thiswasthefirstcasehehadencounteredofamanwhowasreallyshortofclothes.

"Mydearoldlad,"hesaid,briskly,"thismustberemedied!Oh,positively!Thismustberemediedatonce!Isupposemythingswouldn'tfityou?No.Well,Itellyouwhat.We'llwanglesomethingfrommyfather-in-law.OldBrewster,youknow,thefellowwhorunsthe

Cosmopolis.His'llfityoulikethepaperonthewall,becausehe'satubbylittleblighter,too.WhatImeantosayis,he'salsooneofthosesturdy,square,fine-lookingchappiesofaboutthemiddleheight.Bytheway,whereareyoustoppingthesedays?"

"Nowherejustatpresent.Ithoughtoftakingoneofthoseself-containedParkbenches."

"Areyoubroke?"



"AmI!"

Archiewasconcerned.

"Yououghttogetajob."

"Iought.ButsomehowIdon'tseemableto."

"Whatdidyoudobeforethewar?"

"I'veforgotten."

"Forgotten!"

"Forgotten."

"Howdoyoumean--forgotten?Youcan'tmean--FORGOTTEN?"

"Yes.It'squitegone."

"ButImeantosay.Youcan'thaveforgottenathinglikethat."

"Can'tI!I'veforgottenallsortsofthings.WhereIwasborn.HowoldIam.WhetherI'mmarriedorsingle.Whatmynameis--"

"Well,I'mdashed!"saidArchie,staggered."ButyourememberedaboutgivingmeabitofsausageoutsideSt.Mihiel?"

"No,Ididn't.I'mtakingyourwordforit.ForallIknowyoumaybeluringmeintosomedentorobmeofmystrawhat.Idon'tknowyoufromAdam.ButIlikeyourconversation--especiallythepartabouteating--andI'mtakingachance."

Archiewasconcerned.

"Listen,oldbean.Makeaneffort.Youmustrememberthatsausageepisode?ItwasjustoutsideSt.Mihiel,aboutfiveintheevening.Your

littlelotwerelyingnexttomylittlelot,andwehappenedtomeet,andIsaid'Whatho!'andyousaid'Halloa!'andIsaid'Whatho!Whatho!'andyousaid'Haveabitofsausage?'andIsaid'Whatho!Whatho!WhatHO!'"

"ThedialogueseemstohavebeendarnedsparklingbutIdon'trememberit.ItmusthavebeenafterthatthatIstoppedone.Idon'tseemquitetohavecaughtupwithmyselfsinceIgothit."

"Oh!That'showyougotthatscar?"

"No.Igotthatjumpingthroughaplate-glasswindowinLondononArmisticenight."

"Whatonearthdidyoudothatfor?"

"Oh,Idon'tknow.Itseemedagoodideaatthetime."

"Butifyoucanrememberathinglikethat,whycan'tyourememberyourname?"

"IremembereverythingthathappenedafterIcameoutofhospital.It'sthepartbeforethat'sgone."



Archiepattedhimontheshoulder.

"Iknowjustwhatyouwant.Youneedabitofquietandrepose,tothinkthingsoverandsoforth.Youmustn'tgosleepingonParkbenches.Won'tdoatall.Notabitlikeit.YoumustshifttotheCosmopolis.Itisn'thalfabadspot,theoldCosmop.Ididn'tlikeitmuchthefirstnightIwasthere,becausetherewasadashedtapthatwentdrip-drip-dripallnightandkeptmeawake,buttheplacehasitspoints."

"IstheCosmopolisgivingfreeboardandlodgingthesedays?"

"Rather!That'llbeallright.Well,thisisthespot.We'llstartbytricklinguptotheoldboy'ssuiteandlookingoverhisreach-me-downs.Iknowthewaiteronhisfloor.Averysoundchappie.He'llletusinwithhispass-key."

AndsoitcameaboutthatMr.DanielBrewster,returningtohissuiteinthemiddleoflunchinordertofindapaperdealingwiththesubjecthewasdiscussingwithhisguest,thearchitectofhisnewhotel,wasawareofamurmurofvoicesbehindthecloseddoorofhisbedroom.Recognisingtheaccentsofhisson-in-law,hebreathedanoathandchargedin.HeobjectedtoArchiewanderingatlargeabouthissuite.

Thesightthatmethiseyeswhenheopenedthedoordidnothingtosoothehim.Thefloorwasaseaofclothes.Therewerecoatsonthechairs,trousersonthebed,shirtsonthebookshelf.AndinthemiddleofhiswelterstoodArchie,withamanwho,toMr.Brewster'sheatedeye,lookedlikeatrampcomedianoutofaburlesqueshow.

"GreatGodfrey!"ejaculatedMr.Brewster.

Archielookedupwithafriendlysmile.

"Oh,halloa-halloa!"hesaid,affably,"Wewerejustglancingthroughyoursparescenerytoseeifwecouldn'tfindsomethingformypalhere.ThisisMr.Brewster,myfather-in-law,oldman."

Archiescannedhisrelative'stwistedfeatures.Somethinginhisexpressionseemednotaltogetherencouraging.Hedecidedthatthenegotiationshadbetterbeconductedinprivate."Onemoment,oldlad,"hesaidtohisnewfriend."Ijustwanttohavealittletalkwithmyfather-in-lawintheotherroom.Justalittlefriendlybusinesschat.Youstayhere."

IntheotherroomMr.BrewsterturnedonArchielikeawoundedlionofthedesert.

"Whatthe--!"

Archiesecuredoneofhiscoat-buttonsandbegantomassageitaffectionately.

"Oughttohaveexplained!"saidArchie,"onlydidn'twanttointerruptyourlunch.Thesportsmanonthehorizonisadearoldpalofmine--"

Mr.Brewsterwrenchedhimselffree.

"Whatthedevildoyoumean,youworm,bybringingtrampsintomybedroomandmessingaboutwithmyclothes?"



"That'sjustwhatI'mtryingtoexplain,ifyou'llonlylisten.ThisbirdisabirdImetinFranceduringthewar.HegavemeabitofsausageoutsideSt.Mihiel--"

"Damnyouandhimandthesausage!"

"Absolutely.Butlisten.Hecan'trememberwhoheisorwherehewasbornorwhathisnameis,andhe'sbroke;so,dashit,Imustlookafterhim.Yousee,hegavemeabitofsausage."

Mr.Brewster'sfrenzygavewaytoanominouscalm.

"I'llgivehimtwosecondstoclearoutofhere.Ifheisn'tgonebythenI'llhavehimthrownout."

Archiewasshocked.

"Youdon'tmeanthat?"

"Idomeanthat."

"Butwhereishetogo?"

"Outside."

"Butyoudon'tunderstand.Thischappiehaslosthismemorybecausehewaswoundedinthewar.Keepthatfactfirmlyfixedintheoldbean.Hefoughtforyou.Foughtandbledforyou.Bledprofusely,byJove.ANDhesavedmylife!"

"IfI'dgotnothingelseagainsthim,thatwouldbeenough."

"Butyoucan'tslingachappieoutintothecoldhardworldwhobledingallonstomaketheworldsafefortheHotelCosmopolis."

Mr.Brewsterlookedostentatiouslyathiswatch.

"Twoseconds!"hesaid.

Therewasasilence.Archieappearedtobethinking."Right-o!"hesaidatlast."Noneedtogetthewindup.Iknowwherehecango.It'sjustoccurredtomeI'llputhimupatmylittleshop."

ThepurpleebbedfromMr.Brewster'sface.Suchwashisemotionthathehadforgottenthatinfernalshop.Hesatdown.Therewasmoresilence.

"Oh,gosh!"saidMr.Brewster.

"Iknewyouwouldbereasonableaboutit,"saidArchie,approvingly.

"Now,honestly,asmantoman,howdowego?"

"Whatdoyouwantmetodo?"growledMr.Brewster.

"Ithoughtyoumightputthechappieupforawhile,andgivehimachancetolookroundandnoseaboutabit."

"Iabsolutelyrefusetogiveanymoreloafersfreeboardandlodging."

"AnyMORE?"



"Well,myboy,"hesaidinastrange,raspingvoice."Whatisit?Speakup,myboy,speakup!Whythedevilcan'tyouspeakup?Thisismybusyday!"

"Whatonearthareyoudoing?"askedLucille.

Archiewavedherawaywiththelargegestureofamanofbloodandironinterruptedwhileconcentrating.

"Leaveus,woman!Wewouldbealone!Retireintothejollyoldbackgroundandamuseyourselfforabit.Readabook.Doacrostics.Chargeahead,laddie."

"Father!"saidBill,again.

"Yes,myboy,yes?Whatisit?"

"Father!"

Archiepickedupthered-coveredvolumethatlayonthetable.

"Halfamo',oldson.Sorrytostopyou,butIknewtherewassomething.I'vejustremembered.Yourwalk.Allwrong!"

"Allwrong?"

"Allwrong!Where'sthechapterontheArt.ofWalking?Hereweare.Listen,dearoldsoul.Drinkthisin.'Inwalking,oneshouldstrivetoacquirethatswinging,easymovementfromthehips.Thecorrectly-poisedwalkerseemstofloatalong,asitwere.'Now,oldbean,youdidn'tfloatadam'bit.Youjustgallopedinlikeachappiechargingintoarailwayrestaurantforabowlofsoupwhenhistrainleavesintwominutes.Dashedimportant,thiswalkingbusiness,youknow.Getstartedwrong,andwhereareyou?Tryitagain....Muchbetter."HeturnedtoLucille."Noticehimfloatalongthattime?Absolutelyskimmed,what?"

Lucillehadtakenaseat,-andwaswaitingforenlightenment.

"AreyouandBillgoingintovaudeville?"sheasked.

Archie,scrutinising-his-brother-in-lawclosely,hadfurthercriticismtomake.

"'Themanofself-respectandself-confidence,'"heread,"'standserectinaneasy,natural,gracefulattitude.Heelsnottoofarapart,headerect,eyestothefrontwithalevelgaze'--getyourgazelevel,oldthing!--'shouldersthrownback,armshangingnaturallyatthesideswhennototherwiseemployed'--thatmeansthat,ifhetriestohityou,it'sallrighttoguard--'chestexpandednaturally,andabdomen'--thisis

noplaceforyou,Lucille.Legitoutofearshot--'ab--whatIsaidbefore--drawninsomewhatandaboveallnotprotruded.'Now,haveyougotallthat?Yes,youlookallright.Carryon,laddie,carryon.Let'shavetwo-penn'orthoftheDynamicVoiceandtheToneofAuthority--someofthefull,rich,roundstuffwehearsomuchabout!"

Billfastenedagimleteyeuponhisbrother-in-lawanddrewadeepbreath.

"Father!"hesaid."Father!"



"You'llhavetobrightenupBill'sdialoguealot,"saidLucille,critically,"oryouwillnevergetbookings."

"Father!"

"Imean,it'sallrightasfarasitgoes,butit'ssortofmonotonous.Besides,oneofyououghttobeaskingquestionsandtheotheranswering.Milloughttobesaying,'WhowasthatladyIsawyoucomingdownthestreetwith?'sothatyouwouldbeabletosay,'Thatwasn'talady.Thatwasmywife.'IKNOW!I'vebeentolotsofvaudevilleshows."

Billrelaxedhisattitude.Hedeflatedhischest,spreadhisheels,andceasedtodrawinhisabdomen.

"We'dbettertrythisanothertime,whenwe'realone,"hesaid,frigidly."Ican'tdomyselfjustice."

"Whydoyouwanttodoyourselfjustice?"askedLucille.

"Right-o!"saidArchie,affably,castingoffhisforbiddingexpressionlikeagarment."Rehearsalpostponed.IwasjustputtingoldBillthroughit,"heexplained,"withaviewtogettinghimintomid-seasonformforthejollyoldpater."

"Oh!"Lucille'svoicewasthevoiceofonewhoseeslightindarkness."WhenBillwalkedinlikeacatonhotbricksandstoodtherelookingstuffed,thatwasjustthePersonalityThatWins!"

"Thatwasit."

"Well,youcouldn'tblamemefornotrecognisingit,couldyou?"

Archiepattedherheadpaternally.

"Alittlelessofthecausticcriticstuff,"hesaid."Billwillbeallrightonthenight.Ifyouhadn'tcomeinthenandputhimoffhis

stroke,he'dhaveshotoutsomeamazingstuff,fullofauthorityanddynamicaccentsandwhatnot.Itellyou,lightofmysoul,oldBillisallright!He'sgotthewinningpersonalityupatree,readywheneverhewantstogoandgetit.Speakingashisbackerandtrainer,Ithinkhe'lltwistyourfatherroundhislittlefinger.Absolutely!Itwouldn'tsurprisemeifattheendoffiveminutesthegoodolddadstartedpumpingthroughhoopsandsittingupforlumpsofsugar."

"ItwouldsurpriseME."

"Ah,that'sbecauseyouhaven'tseenoldBillinaction.Youcrabbedhisactbeforehehadbeguntospreadhimself."

"Itisn'tthatatall.ThereasonwhyIthinkthatBill,howeverwinninghispersonalitymaybe,won'tpersuadefathertolethimmarryagirlinthechorusissomethingthathappenedlastnight."

"Lastnight?"

"Well,atthreeo'clockthismorning.It'sonthefrontpageoftheearlyeditionsoftheeveningpapers.Ibroughtoneinforyoutosee,onlyyouweresobusy.Look!Thereitis!"



Archieseizedthepaper.

"Oh,GreatScot!"

"Whatisit?"askedBill,irritably."Don'tstandgogglingthere!Whatthedevilisit?"

"Listentothis,oldthing!"

REVELRYBYNIGHT.SPIRITEDBATTLEROYALATHOTELCOSMOPOLIS.THEHOTELDETECTIVEHADAGOODHEARTBUTPAULINEPACKEDTHEPUNCH.

ThelogicalcontenderforJackDempsey'schampionshiphonourshasbeendiscovered;and,inanagewherewomenarestealingmen'sjobsallthetime,itwillnotcomeasasurprisetoourreaderstolearnthatshebelongstothesexthatismoredeadlythanthemale.HernameisMissPaulinePreston,andherwallopisvouchedforunderoath--undermanyoaths--byMr.TimothyO'Neill,knowntohisintimatesasPie-Face,whoholdsdownthearduousjobofdetectiveattheHotelCosmopolis.

Atthreeo'clockthismorning,Mr.O'Neillwasadvisedbythenight-clerkthattheoccupantsofeveryroomwithinearshotofnumber618had'phonedthedesktocomplainofadisturbance,anoise,avocaluproarproceedingfromtheroommentioned.Thither,therefore,marchedMr.O'Neill,hisfacefullofcheese-sandwich,(forhehadbeenindulginginanearlybreakfastoralatesupper)andhisheartofdevotiontoduty.HefoundtheretheMissesPaulinePrestonand"Bobbie"St.Clair,ofthepersonnelofthechorusoftheFrivolities,entertainingafewfriendsofeithersex.Apleasanttimewasbeinghadbyall,andatthemomentofMr.O'Neill'sentrytheentirestrengthofthecompanywasrenderingwithconsiderableemphasisthattouchingballad,"There'saPlaceForMeInHeaven,ForMyBaby-BoyIsThere."

Theableandefficientofficeratoncesuggestedthattherewasaplacefortheminthestreetandthepatrol-wagonwasthere;and,beingamanofactionaswellaswords,proceededtogatherupanarmfulofassortedguestsasapreliminarytoapersonally-conductedtourontothecoldnight.ItwasatthispointthatMissPrestonsteppedintothelimelight.Mr.O'Neillcontendsthatshehithimwithabrick,anironcasing,andtheSingerBuilding.Bethatasitmay,hereffortsweresufficientlyabletoinducehimtoretireforreinforcements,which,arriving,arrestedthesupper-partyregardlessofageorsex.

Atthepolice-courtthismorningMissPrestonmaintainedthatsheandherfriendsweremerelyhavingaquiethome-eveningandthatMr.O'Neill

wasnogentleman.ThemaleguestsgavetheirnamesrespectivelyasWoodrowWilson,DavidLloyd-George,andWilliamJ.Bryan.These,however,arebelievedtobeincorrect.Butthemoralis,ifyouwantexcitementratherthansleep,stayattheHotelCosmopolis.

Billmayhavequakedinwardlyashelistenedtothisepicbutoutwardlyhewasunmoved.

"Well,"hesaid,"whataboutit?"



"Whataboutit!"saidLucille.

"Whataboutit!"saidArchie."Why,mydearoldfriend,itsimplymeansthatallthetimewe'vebeenputtinginmakingyourpersonalitywinninghasbeenchuckedaway.Absolutelyadeadloss!Wemightjustaswellhavereadamanualonhowtoknitsweaters."

"Idon'tseeit,"maintainedBill,stoutly.

Lucilleturnedapologeticallytoherhusband.

"Youmustn'tjudgemebyhim,Archie,darling.Thissortofthingdoesn'truninthefamily.-Wearesupposedtoberatherbrightonthewhole.ButpoorBillwasdroppedbyhisnursewhenhewasababy,andfellonhishead."

"Isupposewhatyou'redrivingat,"saidthegoadedBill,"isthatwhathashappenedwillmakefatherprettysoreagainstgirlswhohappentobeinthechorus?"

"That'sabsolutelyit,oldthing,I'msorrytosay.Thenextpersonwhomentionsthewordchorus-girlinthejollyoldgovernor'spresenceisgoingtotakehislifeinhishands.Itellyou,asonemantoanother,thatI'dmuchratherbebackinFrancehoppingoverthetopthandoit

myself."

"Whatdarnednonsense!Mabelmaybeinthechorus,butsheisn'tlikethosegirls."

"PooroldBill!"saidLucille."I'mawfullysorry,butit'snousenotfacingfacts.Youknowperfectlywellthatthereputationofthehotelisthethingfathercaresmoreaboutthananythingelseintheworld,andthatthisisgoingtomakehimfuriouswithallthechorus-girlsincreation.It'snogoodtryingtoexplaintohimthatyourMabelisinthechorusbutnotofthechorus,sotospeak."

"Deucedwellput!"saidArchie,approvingly."You'reabsolutelyright.A

chorus-girlbytheriver'sbrim,sotospeak,asimplechorus-girlistohim,asitwere,andsheisnothingmore,ifyouknowwhatImean."

"Sonow,"saidLucille,"havingshownyouthattheimbecileschemewhichyouconcoctedwithmypoorwell-meaninghusbandisnogoodatall,Iwillbringyouwordsofcheer.Yourownoriginalplan--ofgettingyourMabelapartinacomedy--wasalwaysthebestone.Andyoucandoit.Iwouldn'thavebrokenthebadnewssoabruptlyifIhadn'thadsomeconsolationtogiveyouafterwards.ImetReggievanTuyljustnow,wanderingaboutasifthecaresoftheworldwereonhisshoulders,andhetoldmethathewasputtingupmostofthemoneyforanewplaythat'sgoingintorehearsalrightaway.Reggie'sanoldfriendofyours.Allyouhavetodoistogotohimandaskhimtousehisinfluenceto

getyourMabelasmallpart.There'ssuretobeamaidorsomethingwithonlyalineortwothatwon'tmatter."

"Aripescheme!"saidArchie."Verysoundandfruity!"

TheclouddidnotliftfromBill'scorrugatedbrow.

"That'sallverywell,"hesaid."ButyouknowwhatatalkerReggieis.He'sanobligingsortofchump,buthistongue'sfastenedonatthemiddleandwagglesatbothends.Idon'twantthewholeofNewYorkto



knowaboutmyengagement,andhavesomebodyspillingthenewstofather,beforeI'mready."

"That'sallright,"saidLucille."Archiecanspeaktohim.There'snoneedforhimtomentionyournameatall.Hecanjustsaythere'sagirlhewantstogetapartfor.Youwoulddoit,wouldn'tyou,angel-face?"

"Likeabird,queenofmysoul."

"Thenthat'ssplendid.You'dbettergiveArchiethatphotographofMabeltogivetoReggie,Bill."

"Photograph?"saidBill."Whichphotograph?Ihavetwenty-four!"

ArchiefoundReggievanTuylbroodinginawindowofhisclubthatlookedoverFifthAvenue.Reggiewasarathermelancholyyoungmanwhosufferedfromelephantiasisofthebank-rollandtheotherevilsthatarisefromthatcomplaint.Gentleandsentimentalbynature,hissensibilitieshadbeenmuchwoundedbycontactwithasordidworld;andthethingthathadfirstendearedArchietohimwasthefactthatthelatter,thoughchronicallyhard-up,hadnevermadeanyattempttoborrowmoneyfromhim.Reggiewouldhavepartedwithitondemand,butithaddelightedhimtofindthatArchieseemedtotakeapleasureinhissocietywithouthavinganyulteriormotives.HewasfondofArchie,

andalsoofLucille;andtheirhappymarriagewasaconstantsourceofgratificationtohim.

ForReggiewasasentimentalist.Hewouldhavelikedtoliveinaworldofideallyunitedcouples,himselfideallyunitedtosomecharmingandaffectionategirl.But,asamatterofcoldfact,hewasabachelor,andmostofthecouplesheknewwereveteransofseveraldivorces.InReggie'scircle,therefore,thehome-lifeofArchieandLucilleshonelikeagooddeedinanaughtyworld.Itinspiredhim.Inmomentsofdepressionitrestoredhiswaningfaithinhumannature.

Consequently,whenArchie,havinggreetedhimandslippedintoachairathisside,suddenlyproducedfromhisinsidepocketthephotographof

anextremelyprettygirlandaskedhimtogetherasmallpartintheplaywhichhewasfinancing,hewasshockedanddisappointed.Hewasinamorethanusuallysentimentalmoodthatafternoon,andhad,indeed,atthemomentofArchie'sarrival,beendreamingwistfullyofsoftarmsclaspedsnuglyabouthiscollarandthepatteroflittlefeetandallthatsortofthing.-HegazedreproachfullyatArchie.

"Archie!"hisvoicequiveredwithemotion."Isitworthit?,isitworthit,oldman?-Thinkofthepoorlittlewomanathome!"

Archiewaspuzzled.

"Eh,oldtop?Whichpoorlittlewoman?"

"Thinkofhertrustinyou,herfaith--".

"Idon'tabsolutelygetyou,oldbean."

"WhatwouldLucillesayifsheknewaboutthis?"

"Oh,shedoes.Sheknowsallaboutit."

"Goodheavens!"criedReggie.-Hewasshockedtothecoreofhis



being.-Oneofthearticlesofhisfaithwas,thattheunionofLucilleandArchiewasdifferentfromthoseloosepartnershipswhichwerethecustominhisworld.-Hehadnotbeenconsciousofsuchapoignantfeelingthatthefoundationsoftheuniversewerecrackedandtotteringandthattherewasnolightandsweetnessinlifesincethemorning,eighteenmonthsback,whenanegligentvalethadsenthimoutintoFifthAvenuewithonlyonespaton.

"ItwasLucille'sidea,"explainedArchie.Hewasabouttomentionhisbrother-in-law'sconnectionwiththematter,butcheckedhimselfintime,rememberingBill'sspecificobjectiontohavinghissecretrevealedtoReggie."It'slikethis,oldthing,I'venevermetthisfemale,butshe'sapalofLucille's"-hecomfortedhisconsciencebythereflectionthat,ifshewasn'tnow,shewouldbeinafewdays-"andLucillewantstodoherabitofgood.She'sbeenonthestageinEngland,youknow,supportingajollyoldwidowedmotherandeducatingalittlebrotherandallthatkindandspeciesofrot,youunderstand,andnowshe'scomingovertoAmerica,andLucillewantsyoutorallyroundandshoveherintoyourshowandgenerallykeepthehomefiresburningandsoforth.Howdowego?"

Reggiebeamedwithrelief.Hefeltjustashehadfeltonthatotheroccasionatthemomentwhenataxi-cabhadrolledupandenabledhimtohidehisspatlesslegfromthepublicgaze.

"Oh,Isee!"hesaid."Why,delighted,oldman,quitedelighted!"

"Anysmallpartwoulddo.Isn'tthereamaidorsomethinginyourbob's-worthofrefinedentertainmentwhodriftsaboutsaying,'Yes,madam,'andallthatsortofthing?Well,thenthat'sjustthething.Topping!IknewIcouldrelyonyou,oldbird.I'llgetLucilletoshipherroundtoyouraddresswhenshearrives.Ifancyshe'sduetototterinsomewhereinthenextfewdays.Well,Imustbepopping.Toodle-oo!"

"Pip-pip!"saidReggie.

ItwasaboutaweeklaterthatLucillecameintothesuiteatthe

HotelCosmopolisthatwasherhome,andfoundArchielyingonthecouch,smokingarefreshingpipeafterthelaboursoftheday.ItseemedtoArchiethathiswifewasnotinherusualcheerfulframeofmind.Hekissedher,and,havingrelievedherofherparasol,endeavouredwithoutsuccesstobalanceitonhischin.Havingpickeditupfromthefloorandplaceditonthetable,hebecameawarethatLucillewaslookingathiminadespondentsortofway.Hergreyeyeswereclouded.

"Halloa,oldthing,"saidArchie."What'sup?"

Lucillesighedwearily.

"Archie,darling,doyouknowanyreallygoodswear-words?"

"Well,"saidArchie,reflectively,"letmesee.IdidpickupafewtolerablyripeandbreezyexpressionsoutinFrance.Allthroughmymilitarycareertherewassomethingaboutme--somesubtlemagnetism,don'tyouknow,andthatsortofthing--thatseemedtomakecolonelsandblightersofthatorderratherinventive.Isortofinspiredthem,don'tyouknow.Irememberonebrass-hataddressingmeforquitetenminutes,sayingsomethingnewallthetime.Andeventhenheseemedtothinkhehadonlytouchedthefringeofthesubject.Asamatteroffact,hesaidstraightoutinthemostfrankandconfidingwaythatmerewords



couldn'tdojusticetome.Butwhy?"

"BecauseIwanttorelievemyfeelings."

"Anythingwrong?"

"Everything'swrong.I'vejustbeenhavingteawithBillandhisMabel."

"Oh,ah!"saidArchie,interested."Andwhat'stheverdict?"

"Guilty!"saidLucille."Andthesentence,ifIhadanythingtodowithit,wouldbetransportationforlife."Shepeeledoffherglovesirritably."Whatfoolsmenare!Notyou,precious!You'retheonlymanintheworldthatisn't,itseemstome.Youdidmarryanicegirl,didn'tyou?YOUdidn'tgorunningroundafterfemaleswithcrimsonhair,gogglingatthemwithyoureyespoppingoutofyourheadlikeabulldogwaitingforabone."

"Oh,Isay!DoesoldBilllooklikethat?"

"Worse!"

Archierosetoapointoforder.

"Butonemoment,oldlady.Youspeakofcrimsonhair.SurelyoldBill--intheextremelyjollymonologuesheusedtodeliverwheneverIdidn'tseehimcomingandhegotmealone--usedtoalludetoherhairasbrown."

"Itisn'tbrownnow.It'sbrightscarlet.Goodgracious,Ioughttoknow.I'vebeenlookingatitalltheafternoon.Itdazzledme.IfI'vegottomeetheragain,Imeantogototheoculist'sandgetapairofthosesmokedglassesyouwearatPalmBeach."Lucillebroodedsilentlyforawhileoverthetragedy."Idon'twanttosayanythingagainsther,ofcourse."

"No,no,ofcoursenot."

"Butofalltheawful,second-rategirlsIevermet,she'stheworst!ShehasvermilionhairandanimitationOxfordmanner.She'ssohorriblyrefinedthatit'sdreadfultolistentoher.She'sasly,creepy,slinky,made-up,insincerevampire!She'scommon!She'sawful!She'sacat!"

"You'requiterightnottosayanythingagainsther,"saidArchie,approvingly."Itbeginstolook,"hewenton,"asifthegoodoldpaterwasaboutdueforanothershock.Hehasahardlife!"

"IfBillDAREStointroducethatgirltoFather,he'stakinghislifeinhishands."

"Butsurelythatwastheidea--thescheme--thewheeze,wasn'tit?Ordoyouthinkthere'sanychanceofhisweakening?"

"Weakening!Youshouldhaveseenhimlookingather!Itwaslikeasmallboyflatteninghisnoseagainstthewindowofacandy-store."

"Bitthick!"

Lucillekickedthelegofthetable.



"Andtothink,"shesaid,"that,whenIwasalittlegirl,IusedtolookuptoBillasamonumentofwisdom.Iusedtohughiskneesandgazeintohisfaceandwonderhowanyonecouldbesomagnificent."Shegavetheunoffendingtableanotherkick."IfIcouldhavelookedintothefuture,"shesaid,withfeeling,"I'dhavebittenhimintheankle!"

Inthedayswhichfollowed,ArchiefoundhimselfalittleoutoftouchwithBillandhisromance.Lucillereferredtothematteronlywhenhebroughtthesubjectup,andmadeitplainthatthetopicofherfuturesister-in-lawwasnotonewhichsheenjoyeddiscussing.Mr.Brewster,senior,whenArchie,bywayofdelicatelypreparinghismindforwhatwasabouttobefall,askedhimifhelikedredhair,calledhimafool,andtoldhimtogoawayandbothersomeoneelsewhentheywerebusy.TheonlypersonwhocouldhavekepthimthoroughlyabreastofthetrendofaffairswasBillhimself;andexperiencehadmadeArchiewaryinthematterofmeetingBill.Thepositionofconfidanttoayoungmanintheearlystagesofloveisnosinecure,anditmadeArchiesleepyeventothinkofhavingtotalktohisbrother-in-law.Hesedulouslyavoidedhislove-lornrelative,anditwaswithasinkingfeelingonedaythat,lookingoverhisshoulderashesatintheCosmopolisgrill-roompreparatorytoorderinglunch,heperceivedBillbearingdownuponhim,obviouslyresolveduponjoininghismeal.

Tohissurprise,however,Billdidnotinstantlyembarkuponhisusualmonologue.Indeed,hehardlyspokeatall.Hechampedachop,andseemedtoArchietoavoidhiseye.Itwasnottilllunchwasoverandtheyweresmokingthatheunburdenedhimself.

"Archie!"hesaid.

"Hallo,oldthing!"saidArchie."Stillthere?Ithoughtyou'ddiedorsomething.Talkaboutouroldpals,Tongue-tiedThomasandSilentSammy!Youcouldbeat'embothonthesameevening."

"It'senoughtomakemesilent."

"Whatis?"

Billhadrelapsedintoasortofwakingdream.Hesatfrowningsombrely,losttotheworld.Archie,havingwaitedwhatseemedtohimasufficientlengthoftimeforananswertohisquestion,bentforwardandtouchedhisbrother-in-law'shandgentlywiththelightedendofhiscigar.Billcametohimselfwithahowl.

"Whatis?"saidArchie.

"Whatiswhat?"saidBill.

"Nowlisten,oldthing,"protestedArchie."Lifeisshortandtime

isflying.Supposewecutoutthecross-talk.Youhintedtherewassomethingonyourmind--somethingworryingtheoldbean--andI'mwaitingtohearwhatitis."

Billfiddledamomentwithhiscoffee-spoon.

"I'minanawfulhole,"hesaidatlast.

"What'sthetrouble?"



"It'saboutthatdarnedgirl!"

Archieblinked.

"What!"

"Thatdarnedgirl!"

Archiecouldscarcelycredithissenses.Hehadbeenprepared--indeed,hehadsteeledhimself--tohearBillalludetohisaffinityinanumberofways.But"thatdarnedgirl"wasnotoneofthem.

"Companionofmyriperyears,"hesaid,"let'sgetthisthingstraight.Whenyousay'thatdarnedgirl,'doyoubyanypossibilityalludeto--?"

"OfcourseIdo!"

"But,William,oldbird--"

"Oh,Iknow,Iknow,Iknow!"saidBill,irritably."You'resurprisedtohearmetalklikethatabouther?"

"Atrifle,yes.Possiblyatrifle.Whenlastheardfrom,laddie,youmustrecollect,youwerespeakingoftheladyasyoursoul-mate,and

atleastonce--ifIrememberrightly--youalludedtoherasyourlittledusky-hairedlamb."

AsharphowlescapedBill.

"Don't!"Astrongshudderconvulsedhisframe."Don'tremindmeofit!"

"There'sbeenaspeciesofslump,then,indusky-hairedlambs?"

"How,"demandedBill,savagely,"canagirlbeadusky-hairedlambwhenherhair'sbrightscarlet?"

"Dasheddifficult!"admittedArchie.

"IsupposeLucilletoldyouaboutthat?"

"Shedidtouchonit.Lightly,asitwere.Withasortofgossamertouch,sotospeak."

Billthrewoffthelastfragmentsofreserve.

"Archie,I'minthedevilofafix.Idon'tknowwhyitwas,butdirectlyIsawher--thingsseemedsodifferentoverinEngland--Imean."Heswallowedice-wateringulps."IsupposeitwasseeingherwithLucille.OldLuissuchathoroughbred.Seemedtokindofshowherup.Likeseeingimitationpearlsbythesideofrealpearls.Andthat

crimsonhair!Itsortofputthelidonit."Billbroodedmorosely."Itoughttobeacriminaloffenceforwomentodyetheirhair.Especiallyred.Whatthedevildowomendothatsortofthingfor?"

"Don'tblameme,oldthing.It'snotmyfault."

Billlookedfurtiveandharassed.

"Itmakesmefeelsuchacad.HereamI,feelingthatIwouldgiveallI'vegotintheworldtogetoutofthedarnedthing,andallthetime



thepoorgirlseemstobegettingfonderofmethanever."

"Howdoyouknow?"Archiesurveyedhisbrother-in-lawcritically."Perhapsherfeelingshavechangedtoo.VerypossiblyshemaynotlikethecolourofYOURhair.Idon'tmyself.Nowifyouweretodyeyourselfcrimson--"

"Oh,shutup!Ofcourseamanknowswhenagirl'sfondofhim."

"Bynomeans,laddie.Whenyou'remyage--"

"IAMyourage."

"Soyouare!Iforgotthat.Well,now,approachingthematterfromanotherangle,letussuppose,oldson,thatMissWhat's-Her-Name--thepartyofthesecondpart--"

"Stopit!"saidBillsuddenly."HerecomesReggie!"

"Eh?"

"HerecomesReggievanTuyl.Idon'twanthimtohearustalkingaboutthedarnedthing."

Archielookedoverhisshoulderandperceivedthatitwasindeedso.Reggiewasthreadinghiswayamongthetables.

"Well,HElookspleasedwiththings,anyway,"saidBill,enviously."Gladsomebody'shappy."

Hewasright.ReggievanTuyl'susualmodeofprogressthrougharestaurantwasasomnolentslouch.Nowhewaspositivelyboundingalong.Furthermore,theusualexpressiononReggie'sfacewasasleepysadness.Nowhesmiledbrightlyandwithanimation.Hecurvetedtowardstheirtable,beaminganderect,hisheadup,hisgazelevel,andhischestexpanded,foralltheworldasifhehadbeenreadingthehintsin"ThePersonalityThatWins."

Archiewaspuzzled.SomethinghadplainlyhappenedtoReggie.Butwhat?Itwasidletosupposethatsomebodyhadlefthimmoney,forhehadbeenleftpracticallyallthemoneytherewasamatteroftenyearsbefore.

"Hallo,oldbean,"hesaid,asthenew-comer,radiatinggoodwillandbonhomie,arrivedatthetableandhungoveritlikeanoon-daysun."We'vefinished.Butrallyroundandwe'llwatchyoueat.Dashedinteresting,watchingoldReggieeat.WhygototheZoo?"

Reggieshookhishead.

"Sorry,oldman.Can't.JustonmywaytotheRitz.Steppedinbecause

Ithoughtyoumightbehere.Iwantedyoutobethefirsttohearthenews."

"News?"

"I'mthehappiestmanalive!"

"Youlookit,darnyou!"growledBill,onwhosemoodofgreygloomthishumansunbeamwasjarringheavily.



"I'mengagedtobemarried!"

"Congratulations,oldegg!"Archieshookhishandcordially."Dashit,don'tyouknow,asanoldmarriedmanIliketoseeyouyoungfellowssettlingdown."

"Idon'tknowhowtothankyouenough,Archie,oldman,"saidReggie,fervently.

"Thankme?"

"ItwasthroughyouthatImether.Don'tyourememberthegirlyousenttome?Youwantedmetogetherasmallpart--"

Hestopped,puzzled.Archiehadutteredasoundthatwashalfgaspandhalfgurgle,butitwasswallowedupintheextraordinarynoisefromtheothersideofthetable.BillBrewsterwasleaningforwardwithbulgingeyesandsoaringeyebrows.

"AreyouengagedtoMabelWinchester?"

"Why,byGeorge!"saidReggie."Doyouknowher?"

Archierecoveredhimself.

"Slightly,"hesaid."Slightly.OldBillknowsherslightly,asitwere.Notverywell,don'tyouknow,but--howshallIputit?"

"Slightly,"suggestedBill.

"Justtheword.Slightly."

"Splendid!"saidReggievanTuyl."Whydon'tyoucomealongtotheRitzandmeethernow?"

Billstammered.Archiecametotherescueagain.

"Billcan'tcomenow.He'sgotadate."

"Adate?"saidBill.

"Adate,"saidArchie."Anappointment,don'tyouknow.A--a--infact,adate."

"But--er--wishherhappinessfromme,"saidBill,cordially.

"Thanksverymuch,oldman,"saidReggie.

"AndsayI'mdelighted,willyou?"

"Certainly."

"Youwon'tforgettheword,willyou?Delighted."

"Delighted."

"That'sright.Delighted."

Reggielookedathiswatch.



"Halloa!Imustrush!"

BillandArchiewatchedhimasheboundedoutoftherestaurant.

"PooroldReggie!"saidBill,withafleetingcompunction.

"Notnecessarily,"saidArchie."WhatImeantosayis,tastesdiffer,don'tyouknow.Oneman'speachisanotherman'spoison,andviceversa."

"There'ssomethinginthat."

"Absolutely!Well,"saidArchie,judicially,"thiswouldappeartobe,asitwere,themaddest,merriestdayinallthegladNewYear,yes,no?"

Billdrewadeepbreath.

"Youbetyoursorrowfulexistenceitis!"hesaid."I'dliketodosomethingtocelebrateit."

"Therightspirit!"saidArchie."Absolutelytherightspirit!Beginbypayingformylunch!"

CHAPTERXX.THE-SAUSAGE-CHAPPIE-CLICKS

Renderedrestlessbyrelief,BillBrewsterdidnotlingerlongattheluncheon-table.ShortlyafterReggievanTuylhadretired,hegotupandannouncedhisintentionofgoingforabitofawalktocalmhisexcitedmind.Archiedismissedhimwithacourteouswaveofthehand;and,beckoningtotheSausageChappie,whoinhisroleofwaiterwashoveringnear,requestedhimtobringthebestcigarthehotelcouldsupply.Thepaddedseatinwhichhesatwascomfortable;hehadnoengagements;and

itseemedtohimthatapleasanthalf-hourcouldbepassedinsmokingdreamilyandwatchinghisfellow-meneat.

Thegrill-roomhadfilledup.TheSausageChappie,havingbroughtArchiehiscigar,wasattendingtoatablecloseby,atwhichawomanwithasmallboyinasailorsuithadseatedthemselves.Thewomanwasengrossedwiththebilloffare,butthechild'sattentionseemedrivetedupontheSausageChappie.Hewasdrinkinghiminwithwideeyes.Heseemedtobebroodingonhim.

Archie,too,wasbroodingontheSausageChappie,Thelattermadeanexcellentwaiter:hewasbriskandattentive,anddidtheworkasifhelikedit;butArchiewasnotsatisfied.Somethingseemedtotellhim

thatthemanwasfittedforhigherthings.Archiewasagratefulsoul.Thatsausage,comingattheendofafive-hourhike,hadmadeadeepimpressiononhisplasticnature.Reasontoldhimthatonlyanexceptionalmancouldhavepartedwithhalfasausageatsuchamoment;andhecouldnotfeelthatajobaswaiterataNewYorkhotelwasanadequatejobforanexceptionalman.Ofcourse,therootofthetroublelayinthefactthatthefellowcouldnotrememberwhathisreallife-workhadbeenbeforethewar.Itwasexasperatingtoreflect,astheothermovedawaytotakehisordertothekitchen,thatthere,foralloneknew,wentthedickensofalawyerordoctororarchitector



whatnot.

Hismeditationswerebrokenbythevoiceofthechild.

"Mummie,"askedthechildinterestedly,followingtheSausageChappiewithhiseyesasthelatterdisappearedtowardsthekitchen,"whyhasthatmangotsuchafunnyface?"

"Hush,darling."

"Yes,butwhyHAShe?"

"Idon'tknow,darling."

Thechild'sfaithinthematernalomniscienceseemedtohavereceivedashock.Hehadtheairofaseekeraftertruthwhohasbeenbaffled.Hiseyesroamedtheroomdiscontentedly.

"He'sgotafunnierfacethanthatmanthere,"hesaid,pointingtoArchie.

"Hush,darling!"

"Buthehas.Muchfunnier."

Inawayitwasasortofcompliment,butArchiefeltembarrassed.Hewithdrewcoylyintothecushionedrecess.PresentlytheSausageChappiereturned,attendedtotheneedsofthewomanandthechild,andcameovertoArchie.Hishomelyfacewasbeaming.

"Say,Ihadabignightlastnight,"hesaid,leaningonthetable.

"Yes?"saidArchie."Partyorsomething?"

"No,ImeanIsuddenlybegantorememberthings.Somethingseemstohavehappenedtotheworks."

Archiesatupexcitedly.Thiswasgreatnews.

"No,really?Mydearoldlad,thisisabsolutelytopping.Thisispriceless."

"Yessir!FirstthingIrememberedwasthatIwasbornatSpringfield,Ohio.Itwaslikeamiststartingtolife.Springfield,Ohio.Thatwasit.Itsuddenlycamebacktome."

"Splendid!Anythingelse?"

"Yessir!JustbeforeIwenttosleepIrememberedmynameaswell."

Archiewasstirredtohisdepths.

"Why,thething'sawalk-over!"heexclaimed."Nowyou'veoncegotstarted,nothingcanstopyou.Whatisyourname?"

"Why,it's--That'sfunny!It'sgoneagain.IhaveanideaitbeganwithanS.Whatwasit?Skeffington?Skillington?"

"Sanderson?"



"No;I'llgetitinamoment.Cunningham?Carrington?Wilberforce?Debenham?"

"Dennison?"suggestedArchie,helpfully.--"No,no,no.It'sonthetipofmytongue.Barrington?Montgomery?Hepplethwaite?I'vegotit!Smith!"

"ByJove!Really?"

"Certainofit."

"What'sthefirstname?"

Ananxiousexpressioncameintotheman'seyes.Hehesitated.Heloweredhisvoice.

"Ihaveahorriblefeelingthatit'sLancelot!"


"Itcouldn'treallybethat,couldit?"

Archielookedgrave.Hehatedtogivepain,buthefelthemustbehonest.

"Itmight,"hesaid."Peoplegivetheirchildrenallsortsofrummynames.Mysecondname'sTracy.AndIhaveapalinEnglandwhowaschristenedCuthbertdelaHayHorace.FortunatelyeveryonecallshimStinker."

Thehead-waiterbegantodriftuplikeabankoffog,andtheSausageChappiereturnedtohisprofessionalduties.Whenhecameback,hewasbeamingagain.

"SomethingelseIremembered,"hesaid,removingthecover."I'mmarried!"

"GoodLord!"

"AtleastIwasbeforethewar.ShehadblueeyesandbrownhairandaPekingesedog."

"Whatwashername?"

"Idon'tknow."

"Well,you'recomingon,"saidArchie."I'lladmitthat.You'vestillgotabitofawaytogobeforeyoubecomelikeoneofthoseblighterswhotaketheMemoryTrainingCoursesinthemagazineadvertisements--Imeantosay,youknow,theladswhomeetafellowonceforfiveminutes,

andthencomeacrosshimagaintenyearslaterandgrasphimbythehandandsay,'SurelythisisMr.WatkinsofSeattle?'Still,you'redoingfine.Youonlyneedpatience.Everythingcomestohimwhowaits."Archiesatup,electrified."Isay,byJove,that'srathergood,what!Everythingcomestohimwhowaits,andyou'reawaiter,what,what.Imeantosay,what!"

"Mummie,"saidthechildattheothertable,stillspeculative,"doyouthinksomethingtrodonhisface?"



"Hush,darling."

"Perhapsitwasbittenbysomething?"

"Eatyournicefish,darling,"saidthemother,whoseemedtobeoneofthosedull-wittedpersonswhomitisimpossibletointerestinadiscussiononfirstcauses.

Archiefeltstimulated.Noteventheadventofhisfather-in-law,whocameinafewmomentslaterandsatdownattheotherendoftheroom,coulddepresshisspirits.

TheSausageChappiecametohistableagain.

"It'safunnything,"hesaid."Likewakingupafteryou'vebeenasleep.Everythingseemstobegettingclearer.Thedog'snamewasMarie.Mywife'sdog,youknow.Andshehadamoleonherchin."

"Thedog?"

"No.Mywife.Littlebeast!Shebitmeinthelegonce."

"Yourwife?"

"No.Thedog.GoodLord!"saidtheSausageChappie.

Archielookedupandfollowedhisgaze.

Acoupleoftablesaway,nexttoasideboardonwhichthemanagementexposedforviewthecoldmeatsandpuddingsandpiesmentionedinvolumetwoofthebilloffare("BuffetFroid"),amanandagirlhadjustseatedthemselves.Themanwasstoutandmiddle-aged.Hebulgedinpracticallyeveryplaceinwhichamancanbulge,andhisheadwasalmostentirelyfreefromhair.Thegirlwasyoungandpretty.Hereyeswereblue.Herhairwasbrown.Shehadaratherattractivelittlemoleontheleftsideofherchin.

"GoodLord!"saidtheSausageChappie.

"Nowwhat?"saidArchie.

"Who'sthat?Overatthetablethere?"

Archie,throughlongattendanceattheCosmopolisGrill,knewmostofthehabituesbysight.

"That'samannamedGossett.JamesJ.Gossett.He'samotion-pictureman.Youmusthaveseenhisnamearound."

"Idon'tmeanhim.Who'sthegirl?"

"I'veneverseenherbefore."

"It'smywife!"saidtheSausageChappie.

"Yourwife!"

"Yes!"

"Areyousure?"



"OfcourseI'msure!"

"Well,well,well!"saidArchie."Manyhappyreturnsoftheday!"

Attheothertable,thegirl,unconsciousofthedramawhichwasabouttoenterherlife,wasengrossedinconversationwiththestoutman.Andatthismomentthestoutmanleanedforwardandpattedheronthecheek.

Itwasapaternalpat,thepatwhichagenialunclemightbestowonafavouriteniece,butitdidnotstriketheSausageChappieinthatlight.Hehadbeenadvancingonthetableatafairlyrapidpace,andnow,stirredtohisdepths,heboundedforwardwithahoarsecry.

Archiewasatsomepainstoexplaintohisfather-in-lawlaterthat,ifthemanagementleftcoldpiesandthingsaboutallovertheplace,thissortofthingwasboundtohappensoonerorlater.Heurgedthatitwasputtingtemptationinpeople'sway,andthatMr.Brewsterhadonlyhimselftoblame.Whatevertherightsofthecase,theBuffetFroidundoubtedlycameinremarkablyhandyatthiscrisisintheSausageChappie'slife.Hehadalmostreachedthesideboardwhenthestoutmanpattedthegirl'scheek,andtoseizeahuckleberrypiewaswithhimtheworkofamoment.Thenextinstantthepiehadwhizzedpasttheother'sheadandburstlikeashellagainstthewall.

Thereare,nodoubt,restaurantswherethissortofthingwouldhaveexcitedlittlecomment,buttheCosmopoliswasnotoneofthem.Everybodyhadsomethingtosay,buttheonlyoneamongthosepresentwhohadanythingsensibletosaywasthechildinthesailorsuit.

"Doitagain!"saidthechild,cordially.

TheSausageChappiediditagain.Hetookupafruitsalad,poiseditforamoment,thendecanteditoverMr.Gossett'sbaldhead.Thechild'shappylaughterrangovertherestaurant.Whateveranybodyelsemightthinkoftheaffair,thischildlikeditandwaspreparedtogoonrecordtothateffect.

Epiceventshaveastunningquality.Theyparalysethefaculties.Foramomenttherewasapause.Theworldstoodstill.Mr.Brewsterbubbledinarticulately.Mr.Gossettdriedhimselfsketchilywithanapkin.TheSausageChappiesnorted.

Thegirlhadrisentoherfeetandwasstaringwildly.

"John!"shecried.

EvenatthismomentofcrisistheSausageChappiewasabletolookrelieved.

"Soitis!"hesaid."AndIthoughtitwasLancelot!"

"Ithoughtyouweredead!"

"I'mnot!"saidtheSausageChappie.

Mr.Gossett,speakingthicklythroughthefruit-salad,wasunderstoodtosaythatheregrettedthis.Andthenconfusionbrokelooseagain.Everybodybegantotalkatonce.



"Isay!"saidArchie."Isay!Onemoment!"

OfthefirststagesofthisinterestingepisodeArchiehadbeenaparalysedspectator.Thethinghadnumbedhim.Andthen--

Suddenathoughtcame,likeafull-blownrose.Flushinghisbrow.

Whenhereachedthegesticulatinggroup,hewascalmandbusiness-like.Hehadaconstructivepolicytosuggest.

"Isay,"hesaid."I'vegotanidea!"

"Goaway!"saidMr.Brewster."Thisisbadenoughwithoutyoubuttingin."

Archiequelledhimwithagesture.

"Leaveus,"hesaid."Wewouldbealone.Iwanttohavealittlebusiness-talkwithMr.Gossett."Heturnedtothemovie-magnate,whowasgraduallyemergingfromthefruit-saladratherafterthemannerofastoutVenusrisingfromthesea."Canyousparemeamomentofyourvaluabletime?"

"I'llhavehimarrested!"

"Don'tyoudoit,laddie.Listen!"

"Theman'smad.Throwingpies!"

Archieattachedhimselftohiscoat-button.

"Becalm,laddie.Calmandreasonable!"

ForthefirsttimeMr.Gossettseemedtobecomeawarethatwhathehadbeenlookingonasavagueannoyancewasreallyanindividual.

"Whothedevilareyou?"

Archiedrewhimselfupwithdignity.

"Iamthisgentleman'srepresentative,"hereplied,indicatingtheSausageChappiewithamotionofthehand."Hisjollyoldpersonalrepresentative.Iactforhim.AndonhisbehalfIhaveaprettyripepropositiontolaybeforeyou.Reflect,dearoldbean,"heproceededearnestly."Areyougoingtoletthischanceslip?Theopportunityofalifetimewhichwillnotoccuragain.ByJove,yououghttoriseupandembracethisbird.Yououghttoclaspthechappietoyourbosom!Hehasthrownpiesatyou,hasn'the?Verywell.Youareamovie-magnate.Yourwholefortuneisfoundedonchappieswhothrowpies.Youprobablyscour

theworldforchappieswhothrowpies.Yet,whenonecomesrighttoyouwithoutanyfussortroubleanddemonstratesbeforeyourveryeyesthefactthatheiswithoutapeerasapie-propeller,yougetthewindupandtalkabouthavinghimarrested.Consider!(There'sabitofcherryjustbehindyourleftear.)Besensible.Whyletyourpersonalfeelingstandinthewayofdoingyourselfabitofgood?Givethischappieajobandgiveithimquick,orwegoelsewhere.DidyoueverseeFattyArbucklehandlepastrywithasurertouch?HasCharlieChaplingotthisfellow'sspeedandcontrol.Absolutelynot.Itellyou,oldfriend,you'reindangerofthrowingawayagoodthing!"



Hepaused.TheSausageChappiebeamed.

"I'veawayswantedtogointothemovies,"hesaid."Iwasanactorbeforethewar.Justremembered."

Mr.Brewsterattemptedtospeak.Archiewavedhimdown.

"HowmanytimeshaveIgottotellyounottobuttin?"hesaid,severely.

Mr.Gossett'smilitantdemeanourhadbecomeatriflemodifiedduringArchie'sharangue.Firstandforemostamanofbusiness,Mr.Gossettwasnotinsensibletotheargumentswhichhadbeenputforward.Hebrushedasliceoforangefromthebackofhisneck,andmusedawhile.

"HowdoIknowthisfellowwouldscreenwell?"hesaid,atlength.

"Screenwell!"criedArchie."Ofcoursehe'llscreenwell.Lookathisface.Iaskyou!Themap!Icallyourattentiontoit."HeturnedapologeticallytotheSausageChappie."Awfullysorry,oldlad,fordwellingonthis,butit'sbusiness,youknow."HeturnedtoMr.Gossett."Didyoueverseeafacelikethat?Ofcoursenot.WhyshouldI,asthisgentleman'spersonalrepresentative,letafacelikethatgo

towaste?There'safortuneinit.ByJove,I'llgiveyoutwominutestothinkthethingover,and,ifyoudon'ttalkbusinessthen,I'lljollywelltakemymanstraightroundtoMackSennettorsomeone.Wedon'thavetoaskforjobs.Weconsideroffers."

Therewasasilence.Andthentheclearvoiceofthechildinthesailorsuitmadeitselfheardagain.

"Mummie!"

"Yes,darling?"

"Isthemanwiththefunnyfacegoingtothrowanymorepies?"

"No,darling."

Thechildutteredascreamofdisappointedfury.

"Iwantthefunnymantothrowsomemorepies!Iwantthefunnymantothrowsomemorepies!"

AlookalmostofawecameintoMr.Gossett'sface.HehadheardthevoiceofthePublic.HehadfeltthebeatingofthePublic'spulse.

"Outofthemouthsofbabesandsucklings,"hesaid,pickingapieceofbananaoffhisrighteyebrow,"Outofthemouthsofbabesandsucklings.

Comeroundtomyoffice!"

CHAPTERXXI.THEGROWINGBOY

ThelobbyoftheCosmopolisHotelwasafavouritestamping-groundofMr.DanielBrewster,itsproprietor.Helikedtowanderaboutthere,keeping



apaternaleyeonthings,ratherinthemanneroftheJollyInnkeeper(hereinaftertobereferredtoasMineHost)oftheold-fashionednovel.Customerswho,hurryingintodinner,trippedoverMr.Brewster,wereapttomistakehimforthehoteldetective--forhiseyewaskeenandhisaspectatrifleaustere--but,nevertheless,hewasbeingasjollyaninnkeeperasheknewhow.HispresenceinthelobbysuppliedapersonaltouchtotheCosmopoliswhichotherNewYorkhotelslacked,anditundeniablymadethegirlatthebook-stallextraordinarilyciviltoherclients,whichwasalltothegood.

MostofthetimeMr.Brewsterstoodinonespotandjustlookedthoughtful;butnowandagainhewouldwandertothemarbleslabbehindwhichhekeptthedesk-clerkandrunhiseyeovertheregister,toseewhohadbookedrooms--likeachildexaminingthestockingonChristmasmorningtoascertainwhatSantaClaushadbroughthim.

Asarule,Mr.Brewsterconcludedthisperformancebyshovingthebookbackacrossthemarbleslabandresuminghismeditations.ButonenightaweekortwoaftertheSausageChappie'ssuddenrestorationtothenormal,hevariedthisprocedurebystartingratherviolently,turningpurple,andutteringanexclamationwhichwasmanifestlyanexclamationofchagrin.HeturnedabruptlyandcannonedintoArchie,who,incompanywithLucille,happenedtobecrossingthelobbyatthemomentonhiswaytodineintheirsuite.

Mr.Brewsterapologisedgruffly;then,recognisinghisvictim,seemedtoregrethavingdoneso.

"Oh,it'syou!Whycan'tyoulookwhereyou'regoing?"hedemanded.Hehadsufferedmuchfromhisson-in-law.

"Frightfullysorry,"saidArchie,amiably."Neverthoughtyouweregoingtofox-trotbackwardsalloverthefairway."

"Youmustn'tbullyArchie,"saidLucille,severely,attachingherselftoherfather'sbackhairandgivingitapunitivetug,"becausehe'sanangel,andIlovehim,andyoumustlearntolovehim,too."

"Giveyoulessonsatareasonablerate,"murmuredArchie.

Mr.Brewsterregardedhisyoungrelativewithaloweringeye.

"What'sthematter,fatherdarling?"askedLucille."Youseemupset"

"Iamupset!"Mr.Brewstersnorted."Somepeoplehavegotanerve!"Hegloweredforbiddinglyataninoffensiveyoungmaninalightovercoatwhohadjustentered,andtheyoungman,thoughhisconsciencewasquiteclearandMr.Brewsteranentirestrangertohim,stoppeddead,blushed,andwentoutagain--todineelsewhere."Somepeoplehavegotthenerveofanarmymule!"

"Why,what'shappened?"

"ThosedarnedMcCallshaveregisteredhere!"

"No!"

"Bitbeyondme,this,"saidArchie,insinuatinghimselfintotheconversation."Deepwatersandwhatnot!WhoaretheMcCalls?"



"Somepeoplefatherdislikes,"saidLucille."Andthey'vechosenhishoteltostopat.But,fatherdear,youmustn'tmind.It'sreallyacompliment.They'vecomebecausetheyknowit'sthebesthotelinNewYork."

"Absolutely!"saidArchie."Goodaccommodationformanandbeast!Allthecomfortsofhome!Lookonthebrightside,oldbean.Nogoodgettingthewindup.Cherrio,oldcompanion!"

"Don'tcallmeoldcompanion!"

"Eh,what?Oh,right-o!"

Lucillesteeredherhusbandoutofthedangerzone,andtheyenteredthelift.

"Poorfather!"shesaid,astheywenttotheirsuite,"it'sashame.Theymusthavedoneittoannoyhim.ThismanMcCallhasaplacenexttosomepropertyfatherboughtinWestchester,andhe'sbringingalaw-suitagainstfatheraboutabitoflandwhichheclaimsbelongstohim.Hemighthavehadthetacttogotoanotherhotel.But,afterall,Idon'tsupposeitwasthepoorlittlefellow'sfault.Hedoeswhateverhiswifetellshimto."

"Wealldothat,"saidArchiethemarriedman.

Lucilleeyedhimfondly.

"Isn'titashame,precious,thatallhusbandshaven'tnicewiveslikeme?"

"WhenIthinkofyou,byJove,"saidArchie,fervently,"Iwanttobabble,absolutelybabble!"

"Oh,IwastellingyouabouttheMcCalls.Mr.McCallisoneofthoselittle,meekmen,andhiswife'soneofthosebig,bullyingwomen.Itwasshewhostartedallthetroublewithfather.FatherandMr.McCall

wereveryfondofeachothertillshemadehimbeginthesuit.Ifeelsureshemadehimcometothishoteljusttoannoyfather.Still,they'veprobablytakenthemostexpensivesuiteintheplace,whichissomething."

Archiewasatthetelephone.Hismoodwasnowoneofquietpeace.OfallthehappeningswhichwenttomakeupexistenceinNewYork,helikedbestthecosytete-a-tetedinnerswithLucilleintheirsuite,which,owingtotheirengagements--forLucillewasapopulargirl,withmanyfriends--occurredalltooseldom.

"Touchingnowthequestionofbrowsingandsluicing,"hesaid."I'llbegettingthemtosendalongawaiter."

"Oh,goodgracious!"

"What'sthematter?"

"I'vejustremembered.IpromisedfaithfullyIwouldgoandseeJaneMurchisonto-day.AndIcleanforgot.Imustrush."

"Butlightofmysoul,weareabouttoeat.Poparoundandseeherafterdinner."



"Ican't.She'sgoingtoatheatreto-night."

"Giveherthejollyoldmiss-in-baulk,then,forthenonce,andspringroundto-morrow."

"She'ssailingforEnglandto-morrowmorning,early.No,Imustgoandseehernow.Whatashame!She'ssuretomakemestoptodinner,Itellyouwhat.Ordersomethingforme,and,ifI'mnotbackinhalfanhour,start."

"JaneMurchison,"saidArchie,"isaballynuisance."

"Yes.ButI'veknownhersinceshewaseight."

"Ifherparentshadhadanyproperfeeling,"saidArchie,"theywouldhavedrownedherlongbeforethat."

Heunhookedthereceiver,andaskeddespondentlytobeconnectedwithRoomService.HethoughtbitterlyoftheexigentJane,whomherecollecteddimlyasatallfemalewithteeth.Hehalfthoughtofgoingdowntothegrill-roomonthechanceoffindingafriendthere,butthewaiterwasonhiswaytotheroom.Hedecidedthathemightaswellstaywherehewas.

Thewaiterarrived,bookedtheorder,anddeparted.Archiehadjustcompletedhistoiletafterashower-bathwhenamusicalclinkingwithoutannouncedtheadventofthemeal.Heopenedthedoor.Thewaiterwastherewithatablecongestedwiththingsundercovers,fromwhichescapedasavouryandappetisingodour.Inspiteofhisdepression,Archie'ssoulperkedupatrifle.

Suddenlyhebecameawarethathewasnottheonlypersonpresentwhowasderivingenjoymentfromthescentofthemeal.Standingbesidethewaiterandgazingwistfullyatthefoodstuffswasalong,thinboyofaboutsixteen.Hewasoneofthoseboyswhoseemalllegsandknuckles.Hehadpaleredhair,sandyeyelashes,andalongneck;andhiseyes,as

heremovedthemfromthe-tableandraisedthemtoArchie's,hadahungrylook.HeremindedArchieofahalf-grown,half-starvedhound.

"Thatsmellsgood!"saidthelongboy.Heinhaleddeeply."Yes,sir,"hecontinued,asonewhosemindisdefinitelymadeup,"thatsmellsgood!"

BeforeArchiecouldreply,thetelephonebellrang.ItwasLucille,confirmingherprophecythatthepestJanewouldinsistonherstayingtodine.

"Jane,"saidArchie,intothetelephone,"isapotofpoison.Thewaiterisherenow,settingoutarichbanquet,andIshallhavetoeattwoofeverythingbymyself."

Hehungupthereceiver,and,turning,metthepaleeyeofthelongboy,whohadproppedhimselfupinthedoorway.

"Wereyouexpectingsomebodytodinner?"askedtheboy.

"Why,yes,oldfriend,Iwas."

"Iwish--"



"Yes?"

"Oh,nothing."

Thewaiterleft.Thelongboyhitchedhisbackmorefirmlyagainstthedoorpost,andreturnedtohisoriginaltheme.

"Thatsurelydoessmellgood!"Hebaskedamomentinthearoma."Yes,sir!I'lltelltheworlditdoes!"

Archiewasnotanabnormallyrapidthinker,buthebeganatthispointtogetaclearlydefinedimpressionthatthislad,ifinvited,wouldwaivetheformalitiesandconsenttojoinhismeal.Indeed,theideaArchiegotwasthat,ifhewerenotinvitedprettysoon,hewouldinvitehimself.

"Yes,"heagreed."Itdoesn'tsmellbad,what!"

"ItsmellsGOOD!"saidtheboy."Oh,doesn'tit!Wakemeupinthenightandaskmeifitdoesn't!"

"Pouletencasserole,"saidArchie.

"Golly!"saidtheboy,reverently.

Therewasapause.ThesituationbegantoseemtoArchieatrifledifficult.Hewantedtostarthismeal,butitbegantoappearthathemusteitherdosounderthepenetratinggazeofhisnewfriendorelseejectthelatterforcibly.Theboyshowednosignsofeverwantingtoleavethedoorway.

"You'vedined,Isuppose,what?"saidArchie.

"Ineverdine."

"What!"

"Notreallydine,Imean.Ionlygetvegetablesandnutsandthings."

"Dieting?"

"Motheris."

"Idon'tabsolutelycatchthedrift,oldbean,"saidArchie.Theboysniffedwithhalf-closedeyesasawaveofperfumefromthepouletencasserolefloatedpasthim.Heseemedtobeanxioustointerceptasmuchofitaspossiblebeforeitgotthroughthedoor.

"Mother'safood-reformer,"hevouchsafed."Shelecturesonit.ShemakesPopandmeliveonvegetablesandnutsandthings."

Archiewasshocked.Itwaslikelisteningtoatalefromtheabyss.

"Mydearoldchap,youmustsufferagonies--absoluteshootingpains!"Hehadnohesitationnow.Commonhumanitypointedouthiscourse."Wouldyoucaretojoinmeinabitenow?"

"WouldI!"Theboysmiledawansmile."WouldI!Juststopmeonthestreetandaskme!"



"Comeonin,then,"saidArchie,rightlytakingthispeculiarphraseforaformalacceptance."Andclosethedoor.Thefattedcalfisgettingcold."

Archiewasnotamanwithawidevisiting-listamongpeoplewithfamilies,anditwassolongsincehehadseenagrowingboyinactionatthetablethathehadforgottenwhatsixteeniscapableofdoingwithaknifeandfork,whenitreallysquaresitselbows,takesadeepbreath,andgetsgoing.Thespectaclewhichhewitnessedwasconsequentlyatfirstalittleunnerving.Thelongboy'sideaoftriflingwithamealappearedtobetoswallowitwholeandreachoutformore.HeatelikeastarvingEskimo.Archie,inthetimehehadspentinthetrenchesmakingtheworldsafefortheworking-mantostrikein,hadoccasionallybeenquitepeckish,buthesatdazedbeforethismajestichunger.Thiswasrealeating.

Therewaslittleconversation.Thegrowingboyevidentlydidnotbelieveintable-talkwhenhecouldusehismouthformorepracticalpurposes.Itwasnotuntilthefinalrollhadbeendevouredtoitslastcrumbthattheguestfoundleisuretoaddresshishost.Thenheleanedbackwithacontentedsigh.

"Mother,"saidthehumanpython,"saysyououghttocheweverymouthfulthirty-threetimes...."

"Yes,sir!Thirty-threetimes!"Hesighedagain,"Ihaven'teverhadmeallikethat."

"Allright,wasit,what?"

"Wasit!Wasit!Callmeuponthe'phoneandaskme!-Yes,sir!-Mother'stippedoffthesedarnedwaitersnottoserve-meanythingbutvegetablesandnutsandthings,darnit!"

"Thematerseemstohavedrasticideasaboutthegoodoldfeed-bag,what!"

"I'llsayshehas!Pophatesitasmuchasme,buthe'sscaredtokick.Mothersaysvegetablescontainalltheproteinsyouwant.Mothersays,ifyoueatmeat,yourblood-pressuregoesallblooey.Doyouthinkitdoes?"

"Mineseemsprettywellinthepink."

"She'sgreatontalking,"concededtheboy."She'soutto-nightsomewhere,givingalectureonRationalEatingtosomeginks.I'llhavetobeslippinguptooursuitebeforeshegetsback."Herose,sluggishly."Thatisn'tabitofrollunderthatnapkin,isit?"heasked,anxiously.

Archieraisedthenapkin.

"No.Nothingofthatspecies."

"Oh,well!"saidtheboy,resignedly."ThenIbelieveI'llbegoing.Thanksverymuchforthedinner."

"Notabit,oldtop.Comeagainifyou'reevertricklingroundinthisdirection."



Thelongboyremovedhimselfslowly,loathtoleave.Atthedoorhecastanaffectionateglancebackatthetable.

"Somemeal!"hesaid,devoutly."Considerablemeal!"

Archielitacigarette.HefeltlikeaBoyScoutwhohasdonehisday'sActofKindness.

OnthefollowingmorningitchancedthatArchieneededafreshsupplyoftobacco.Itwashiscustom,whenthishappened,torepairtoasmallshoponSixthAvenuewhichhehaddiscoveredaccidentallyinthecourseofhisramblesaboutthegreatcity.HisrelationswithJno.Blake,theproprietor,werefriendlyandintimate.ThediscoverythatMr.BlakewasEnglishandhad,indeed,untilafewyearsbackmaintainedanestablishmentonlyadozendoorsorsofromArchie'sLondonclub,hadservedasabond.

To-dayhefoundMr.Blakeinadepressedmood.Thetobacconistwasahearty,red-facedman,wholookedlikeanEnglishsportingpublican--thekindofmanwhowearsafawn-colouredtop-coatanddrivestotheDerbyinadog-cart;andusuallythereseemedtobenothingonhismindexceptthevagariesoftheweather,concerningwhichhewasagreatconversationalist.Butnowmoodinesshadclaimedhimforitsown.Afterashortandmelancholy"Goodmorning,"heturnedtothetaskof

measuringoutthetobaccoinsilence.

Archie'ssympatheticnaturewasperturbed.--"What'sthematter,laddie?"heenquired."Youwouldseemtobefeelingabitofanonionthisbrightmorning,what,yes,no?Icanseeitwiththenakedeye."

Mr.Blakegruntedsorrowfully.

"I'vehadaknock,Mr.Moffam."

"Tellmeall,friendofmyyouth."

Mr.Blake,withajerkofhisthumb,indicatedaposterwhichhungon

thewallbehindthecounter.Archiehadnoticeditashecamein,foritwasdesignedtoattracttheeye.Itwasprintedinblacklettersonayellowground,andranasfollows:

CLOVER-LEAFSOCIALANDOUTINGCLUB

GRANDCONTEST

PIE-EATINGCHAMPIONSHIPOFTHEWESTSIDE

SPIKEO'DOWD(Champion)

v.

BLAKE'SUNKNOWN

FORAPURSEOF$50ANDSIDE-BET

Archieexaminedthisdocumentgravely.Itconveyednothingtohimexcept--whathehadlongsuspected--thathissporting-lookingfriendhadsportingbloodaswellasthatkindofexterior.Heexpressedakindlyhopethattheother'sUnknownwouldbringhomethebacon.



Mr.Blakelaughedoneofthosehollow,mirthlesslaughs.

"Thereain'tanybloomingUnknown,"hesaid,bitterly.Thismanhadplainlysuffered."Yesterday,yes,butnotnow."

Archiesighed.

"Inthemidstoflife--Dead?"heenquired,delicately.

"Asgoodas,"repliedthestrickentobacconist.Hecastasidehisartificialrestraintandbecamevoluble.Archiewasoneofthosesympatheticsoulsinwhomevenstrangersreadilyconfidedtheirmostintimatetroubles.Hewastothoseintravailofspiritverymuchwhatcatnipistoacat."It's'ard,sir,it'sblooming'ard!I'dgottheeventallsewedupinaparcel,andnowthisyoungfeller-me-lad'astogivemetheknock.Thisladofmine--sortofcousin'eis;comesfromLondon,likeyouandme--'asalways'ad,eversincehelandedinthiscountry,amostamazingknackofstowingawaygrub.'E'dbeenabitunderfedtheselasttwoorthreeyearsoverintheoldcountry,whatwithfoodrestrictionsandall,and'etooktothefoodover'ereamazing.I'd'avebacked'imagainstaruddyorstridge!Orstridge!I'd'avebacked'imagainst'arffadozenorstridges--take'emononeaftertheotherinthesameringonthesameevening--andgiven'ema

handicap,too!'Ewasajewel,thatboy.I'veseenhimpolishofffourpoundsofsteakandmealypotatoesandthenlookroundkindofwolfish,asmuchastoaskwhendinnerwasgoingtobegin!That'sthekindofalad'ewastillthisverymorning.'Ewouldhaveout-swallowedthis'ereO'Dowdwithoutturningahair,asarelishbefore'istea!I'dgotacoupleof'undreddollarson'im,andthoughtmyselfluckytogettheodds.Andnow--"

Mr.Blakerelapsedintoatorturedsilence.

"Butwhat'sthematterwiththeblighter?Whycan'thegooverthetop?Hashegotindigestion?"

"Indigestion?"Mr.Blaifelaughedanotherofhishollowlaughs."Youcouldn'tgivethatboyindigestionifyoufed'iminonsafety-razorblades.Religion'smorelikewhat'e'sgot."

"Religion?"

"Well,youcancallitthat.Seemslastnight,insteadofgoin'andresting'ismindatapicture-palacelikeItoldhimto,'esneakedofftosomesortofalecturedownonEighthAvenue.'Esaid'e'dseenapieceaboutitinthepapers,anditwasaboutRationalEating,andthatkindofattracted'im.'Esortofthought'emightpickupafewhints,like.'Edidn'tknowwhatrationaleatingwas,butitsoundedto'imasifitmustbesomethingtodowithfood,and'edidn'twanttomissit.

'Ecameinherejustnow,"saidMr.Blake,dully,"and'ewasachangedlad!Scaredtodeath'ewas!Saidtheway'e'dbeengoin'oninthepast,itwasawonder'e'dgotanystummickleft!Itwasaladythatgivethelecture,andthisboysaiditwasamazingwhatshetold'emaboutblood-pressureandthings'edidn'tevenknow'e'ad.Sheshowed'empictures,colouredpictures,ofwhat'appensinsidetheinjudiciouseater'sstummickwhodoesn'tchewhisfood,anditwaslikeabattlefield!'Esaid'ewouldnomorethinkofeatin'alotofpiethan'ewouldofshootin''imself,andanyhoweatingpiewouldbeaquickerdeath.Ireasonedwith'im,Mr.Moffam,withtearsinmyeyes.Iasked



'imwashegoin'tochuckawayfameandwealthjustbecauseawomanwhodidn'tknowwhatshewastalkingabouthadshownhimalotoffakedpictures.Buttherewasn'tanydoin'anythingwithhim.'Egivemetheknockand'oppeditdownthestreettobuynuts."Mr.Blakemoaned."Two'undreddollarsandmoregonepop,nottotalkofthefiftydollars'ewouldhavewonandmetogettwenty-fiveof!"

Archietookhistobaccoandwalkedpensivelybacktothehotel.HewasfondofJno.Blake,andgrievedforthetroublethathadcomeuponhim.Itwasodd,hefelt,howthingsseemedtolinkthemselvesuptogether.Thewomanwhohaddeliveredthefatefullecturetoinjudiciouseaterscouldnotbeotherthanthemotherofhisyoungguestoflastnight.Anuncomfortablewoman!Notcontentwithstarvingherownfamily--Archiestoppedinhistracks.Apedestrian,walkingbehindhim,chargedintohisback,butArchiepaidnoattention.Hehadhadoneofthosesudden,luminousideas,whichhelpamanwhodoesnotdomuchthinkingasaruletorestorehisaverage.Hestoodthereforamoment,almostdizzyatthebrillianceofhisthoughts;thenhurriedon.Napoleon,hemusedashewalked,musthavefeltratherlikethisafterthinkingupahotonetospringontheenemy.

AsifDestinyweresuitingherplanstohis,oneofthefirstpersonshesawasheenteredthelobbyoftheCosmopoliswasthelongboy.Hewasstandingatthebookstall,readingasmuchofamorningpaperascould

bereadfreeunderthevigilanteyesofthepresidinggirl.Bothheandshewereobservingtheunwrittenruleswhichgoverntheseaffairs--towit,thatyoumayreadwithoutinterferenceasmuchascanbereadwithouttouchingthepaper.Ifyoutouchthepaper,youlose,andhavetobuy.

"Well,well,well!"saidArchie."Hereweareagain,what!"Heproddedtheboyamiablyinthelowerribs."You'rejustthechapIwaslookingfor.Gotanythingonforthetimebeing?"

Theboysaidhehadnoengagements.

"ThenIwantyoutostaggerroundwithmetoachappieIknowonSixth

Avenue.It'sonlyacoupleofblocksaway.IthinkIcandoyouabitofgood.Putyouontosomethingtolerablyripe,ifyouknowwhatImean.Tricklealong,laddie.Youdon'tneedahat."

TheyfoundMr.Blakebroodingoverhistroublesinanemptyshop.

"Cheerup,oldthing!"saidArchie."Thereliefexpeditionhasarrived."Hedirectedhiscompanion'sgazetotheposter."Castyoureyeoverthat.Howdoesthatstrikeyou?"

Thelongboyscannedtheposter.Agleamappearedinhisratherdulleye.

"Well?"

"Somepeoplehavealltheluck!"saidthelongboy,feelingly.

"Wouldyouliketocompete,what?"

Theboysmiledasadsmile.

"WouldI!WouldI!Say!..."



"Iknow,"interruptedArchie."Wakeyouupinthenightandaskyou!IknewIcouldrelyonyou,oldthing."HeturnedtoMr.Blake."Here'sthefellowyou'vebeenwantingtomeet.Thefinestleft-and-right-handeatereastoftheRockies!He'llfightthegoodfightforyou."

Mr.Blake'sEnglishtraininghadnotbeenwhollyovercomebyresidenceinNewYork.Hestillretainedaniceeyeforthedistinctionsofclass.

"Butthisisyounggentleman'sayounggentleman,"heurged,doubtfully,yetwithhopeshininginhiseye."Hewouldn'tdoit."

"Ofcourse,hewould.Don'tberidic,oldthing."

"Wouldn'tdowhat?"askedtheboy.

"Whysavetheoldhomesteadbytakingonthechampion.Dashedsadcase,betweenourselves!Thispooregg'snomineehasgivenhimtheraspberryattheeleventhhour,andonlyyoucansavehim.Andyouoweittohimtodosomethingyouknow,becauseitwasyourjollyoldmater'slecturelastnightthatmadethenomineequit.Youmustchargeinandtakehisplace.Sortofpoeticjustice,don'tyouknow,andwhatnot!"HeturnedtoMr.Blake."Whenistheconflictsupposedtostart?Two-thirty?Youhaven'tanyimportantengagementfortwo-thirty,haveyou?"

"No.Mother'slunchingatsomeladies'club,andgivingalectureafterwards.Icanslipaway."

Archiepattedhishead.

"Thenlegitwhereglorywaitsyou,oldbean!"

Thelongboywasgazingearnestlyattheposter.Itseemedtofascinatehim.

"Pie!"hesaidinahushedvoice.

Thewordwaslikeabattle-cry.

CHAPTERXXII.WASHYSTEPSINTOTHEHALLOFFAME

Ataboutnineo'clocknextmorning,inasuiteattheHotelCosmopolis,Mrs.CoraBatesMcCall,theeminentlectureronRationalEating,wasseatedatbreakfastwithherfamily.BeforehersatMr.McCall,alittlehunted-lookingman,thenaturalpeculiaritiesofwhosefacewereaccentuatedbyapairofglassesofsemicircularshape,likehalf-moonswiththehornsturnedup.Behindthese,Mr.McCall'seyesplayeda

perpetualgameofpeekaboo,nowpeeringoverthem,anonduckingdownandhidingbehindthem.Hewassippingacupofanti-caffeine.Onhisright,toyinglistlesslywithaplatefulofcereal,sathisson,Washington.Mrs.McCallherselfwaseatingasliceofHealthBreadandnutbutter.Forshepractisedaswellaspreachedthedoctrineswhichshehadstrivenforsomanyyearstoinculcateinanunthinkingpopulace.Herdayalwaysbeganwithalightbutnutritiousbreakfast,atwhichapeculiarlyuninvitingcereal,whichlookedandtastedlikeanoldstrawhatthathadbeenrunthroughameatchopper,competedforfirstplaceinthedislikeofherhusbandandsonwithamorethanusuallyoffensive



brandofimitationcoffee.Mr.McCallwasinclinedtothinkthatheloathedtheimitationcoffeerathermorethanthecereal,butWashingtonheldstrongviewsonthelatter'ssuperiorghastliness.BothWashingtonandhisfather,however,wouldhavebeenfair-mindedenoughtoadmitthatitwasaclosething.

Mrs.McCallregardedheroffspringwithgraveapproval.

"Iamgladtosee,Lindsay,"shesaidtoherhusband,whoseeyessprangdutifullyovertheglassfenceasheheardhisname,"thatWashyhasrecoveredhisappetite.Whenherefusedhisdinnerlastnight,Iwasafraidthathemightbesickeningforsomething.Especiallyashehadquiteaflushedlook.Younoticedhisflushedlook?"

"Hedidlookflushed."

"Veryflushed.Andhisbreathingwasalmoststertorous.And,whenhesaidthathehadnoappetite,IamboundtosaythatIwasanxious.Butheisevidentlyperfectlywellthismorning.Youdofeelperfectlywellthismorning,Washy?"

TheheiroftheMcCall'slookedupfromhiscereal.Hewasalong,thinboyofaboutsixteen,withpaleredhair,sandyeyelashes,andalongneck.

"Uh-huh,"hesaid.

Mrs.McCallnodded.

"Surelynowyouwillagree,Lindsay,thatacarefulandrationaldietiswhataboyneeds?Washy'sconstitutionissuperb.Hehasaremarkablestamina,andIattributeitentirelytomycarefulsupervisionofhisfood.IshudderwhenIthinkofthegrowingboyswhoarepermittedbyirresponsiblepeopletodevourmeat,candy,pie--"Shebrokeoff."Whatisthematter,Washy?"

Itseemedthatthehabitofshudderingatthethoughtofpieraninthe

McCallfamily,foratthementionofthewordakindofinternalshimmyhadconvulsedWashington'sleanframe,andoverhisfacetherehadcomeanexpressionthatwasalmostoneofpain.HehadbeenreachingouthishandforasliceofHealthBread,butnowhewithdrewitratherhurriedlyandsatbackbreathinghard.

"I'mallright,"hesaid,huskily.

"Pie,"proceededMrs.McCall,inherplatformvoice.Shestoppedagainabruptly."Whateveristhematter,Washington?Youaremakingmefeelnervous."

"I'mallright."

Mrs.McCallhadlostthethreadofherremarks.Moreover,havingnowfinishedherbreakfast,shewasinclinedforalittlelightreading.Oneofthesubjectsalliedtothematterofdietaryonwhichshefeltdeeplywasthequestionofreadingatmeals.Shewasoftheopinionthatthestrainontheeye,coincidingwiththestrainonthedigestion,couldnotfailtogivethelattertheshortendofthecontest;anditwasaruleathertablethatthemorningpapershouldnotevenbeglancedattilltheconclusionofthemeal.Shesaidthatitwasupsettingtobeginthedaybyreadingthepaper,andeventsweretoprovethatshewas



occasionallyright.

AllthroughbreakfasttheNewYorkChroniclehadbeenlyingneatlyfoldedbesideherplate.Shenowopenedit,and,witharemarkaboutlookingforthereportofheryesterday'slectureattheButterflyClub,directedhergazeatthefrontpage,onwhichshehopedthataneditorwiththebestinterestsofthepublicathearthaddecidedtoplaceher.

Mr.McCall,jumpingupanddownbehindhisglasses,scrutinisedherfacecloselyasshebegantoread.Healwaysdidthisontheseoccasions,fornoneknewbetterthanhethathiscomfortforthedaydependedlargelyonsomeunknownreporterwhomhehadnevermet.Ifthisunseenindividualhaddonehisworkproperlyandasbefittedtheimportanceofhissubject,Mrs.McCall'smoodforthenexttwelvehourswouldbeasuniformlysunnyasitwaspossibleforittobe.Butsometimesthefellowsscampedtheirjobdisgracefully;andonce,onadaywhichlivedinMr.McCall'smemory,theyhadfailedtomakeareportatall.

To-day,henotedwithrelief,allseemedtobewell.Thereportactuallywasonthefrontpage,anhonourrarelyaccordedtohiswife'sutterances.Moreover,judgingfromthetimeittookhertoreadthething,shehadevidentlybeenreportedatlength.

"Good,mydear?"heventured."Satisfactory?"

"Eh?"Mrs.McCallsmiledmeditatively."Oh,yes,excellent.Theyhaveusedmyphotograph,too.Notatallbadlyreproduced."

"Splendid!"saidMr.McCall.

Mrs.McCallgaveasharpshriek,andthepaperflutteredfromherhand.

"Mydear!"saidMr.McCall,withconcern.

Hiswifehadrecoveredthepaper,andwasreadingwithburningeyes.Abrightwaveofcolourhadflowedoverhermasterfulfeatures.ShewasbreathingasstertorouslyaseverhersonWashingtonhaddoneonthe

previousnight.

"Washington!"

Abasiliskglareshotacrossthetableandturnedthelongboytostone--allexcepthismouth,whichopenedfeebly.

"Washington!Isthistrue?"

Washyclosedhismouth,thenletitslowlyopenagain.

"Mydear!"Mr.McCall'svoicewasalarmed."Whatisit?"Hiseyeshadclimbedupoverhisglassesandremainedthere."Whatisthematter?Is

anythingwrong?"

"Wrong!Readforyourself!"

Mr.McCallwascompletelymystified.Hecouldnotevenformulateaguessatthecauseofthetrouble.ThatitappearedtoconcernhissonWashingtonseemedtobetheonesolidfactathisdisposal,andthatonlymadethematterstillmorepuzzling.Where,Mr.McCallaskedhimself,didWashingtoncomein?



Helookedatthepaper,andreceivedimmediateenlightenment.Headlinesmethiseyes:

GOODSTUFFINTHISBOY.ABOUTATONOFIT.SONOFCORABATESMcCALLFAMOUSFOOD-REFORMLECTURERWINSPIE-EATINGCHAMPIONSHIPOFWESTSIDE.

Therefollowedalyricaloutburst.Soupliftedhadthereporterevidentlyfeltbytheimportanceofhisnewsthathehadbeenunabletoconfinehimselftoprose:--

Mychildren,ifyoufailtoshineortriumphinyourspecialline;if,letussay,yourhopesarebentonsomedaybeingPresident,andfolksignoreyourproperworth,andsayyou'venotachanceonearth--Cheerup!forinthesestirringdaysFamemaybewoninmanyways.Consider,whenyourspiritsfall,thecaseofWashingtonMcCall.

Yes,castyoureyeonWashy,please!Helooksjustlikeapieceofcheese:he'snotabrilliantsortofchap:hehasadullandvacantmap:hiseyesareblank,hisfaceisred,hisearsstickoutbesidehishead.Infact,toendthesecompliments,hewouldbedearatthirtycents.YetFamehaswelcomedtoherHallthisself-sameWashingtonMcCall.

Hismother(neeMissCoraBates)isonewhofrequentlyoratesupontheproperkindoffoodwhicheverymenushouldinclude.Witheloquencetheworldsheweansfromchopsandsteaksandporkandbeans.Suchhorridthingsshe'dliketocrush,andmakeusliveonmilkandmush.

Butoh!thethingthatmakeshersighiswhensheseesuseatingpie.(WeheardherlecturelastJulyupon"TheNation'sMenace--Pie.")Alas,thehititmadewassmallwithMasterWashingtonMcCall.

ForyesterdaywetookatriptoseethegreatPieChampionship,wheremenwithbulgingcheeksandeyesconsumevastquantitiesofpies.AfashionableWestSidecrowdbeheldthechampion,SpikeO'Dowd,endeavourtodefendhisthroneagainstanupstart,Blake'sUnknown.Hewasn'tanUnknownatall.HewasyoungWashingtonMcCall.

Wefreelyownwe'dgivealegifwecouldborrow,steal,orbegtheskilloldHomerusedtoshow.(HewrotetheIliad,youknow.)OldHomerswungawickedpen,butweareordinarymen,andcannotevenstarttodreamofdoingjusticetoourtheme.Thesubjectofthatgreatrepastistoomagnificentandvast.Wecan'tdescribe(oreventry)thewaythoserivalswolfedtheirpie.Enoughtosaythat,whenforhourseachhadextendedallhispow'rs,towardthequietevenfallO'DowdsuccumbedtoyoungMcCall.



Thechampionwasawillinglad.Hegavethepublicallhehad.Hiswasagenuinefightingsoul.He'dlotsofspeedandmuchcontrol.Noyellowstreakdidheevince.Hetackledapple-pieandmince.Thiswasthemottoonhisshield--"O'Dowdsmayburst.Theyneveryield."Hiseyesbegantostartandroll.Heeasedhisbeltanotherhole.Poorfellow!Withasingleglanceonesawthathehadnotachance.ApythonwouldhavehadtocrawlandowndefeatfromyoungMcCall.

Atlast,longlast,thefinishcame.Hisfeaturesovercastwithshame,O'Dowd,who'dfalteredonceortwice,declinedtoeatanotherslice.Hetotteredoff,andkindlymenralliedaroundwithoxygen.ButWashy,CoraBates'sson,seemeddisappointeditwasdone.Hesomehowmadethosepresentfeelhe'dbarelystartedonhismeal.Weaskhim,"Aren'tyoufeelingbad?""Me!"saidthelion-heartedlad."Leadme"--hestartedforthestreet--"whereIcangetabitetoeat!"Oh,whatalessondoesitteachtoallofus,thatsplendidspeech!HowbettercanthecurtainfallonMasterWashingtonMcCall!

Mr.McCallreadthisepicthrough,thenhelookedathisson.Hefirstlookedathimoverhisglasses,thenthroughhisglasses,thenoverhisglassesagain,thenthroughhisglassesoncemore.Acuriousexpressionwasinhiseyes.Ifsuchathinghadnotbeensoimpossible,onewouldhavesaidthathisgazehadinitsomethingofrespect,ofadmiration,evenofreverence.

"Buthowdidtheyfindoutyourname?"heasked,atlength.

Mrs.McCallexclaimedimpatiently.

"IsTHATallyouhavetosay?"

"No,no,mydear,ofcoursenot,quiteso.Butthepointstruckmeascurious."

"Wretchedboy,"criedMrs.McCall,"wereyouinsaneenoughtorevealyourname?"

Washingtonwriggleduneasily.Unabletoendurethepiercingstareofhismother,hehadwithdrawntothewindow,andwaslookingoutwithhisbackturned.Buteventherehecouldfeelhereyesonthebackofhisneck.

"Ididn'tthinkit'udmatter,"hemumbled."Afellowwith

tortoiseshell-rimmedspecsaskedme,soItoldhim.HowwasItoknow--"

Hisstumblingdefencewascutshortbytheopeningofthedoor.

"Hallo-allo-allo!Whatho!Whatho!"

Archiewasstandinginthedoorway,beamingingratiatinglyonthefamily.

Theapparitionofanentirestrangerservedtodivertthelightning



ofMrs.McCall'sgazefromtheunfortunateWashy.Archie,catchingitbetweentheeyes,blinkedandheldontothewall.HehadbeguntoregretthathehadyieldedsoweaklytoLucille'sentreatythatheshouldlookinontheMcCallsandusethemagnetismofhispersonalityupontheminthehopeofinducingthemtosettlethelawsuit.Hewished,too,ifthevisithadtobepaidthathehadpostponedittillafterlunch,forhewasneverathisstrongestinthemorning.ButLucillehadurgedhimtogonowandgetitover,andherehewas.

"Ithink,"saidMrs.McCall,icily,"thatyoumusthavemistakenyourroom."

Archieralliedhisshakenforces.

"Oh,no.Rathernot.Betterintroducemyself,what?Myname'sMoffam,youknow.I'moldBrewster'sson-in-law,andallthatsortofrot,ifyouknowwhatImean."Hegulpedandcontinued."I'vecomeaboutthisjollyoldlawsuit,don'tyouknow."

Mr.McCallseemedabouttospeak,buthiswifeanticipatedhim.

"Mr.Brewster'sattorneysareincommunicationwithours.Wedonotwishtodiscussthematter."

Archietookanuninvitedseat,eyedtheHealthBreadonthebreakfasttableforamomentwithfrankcuriosity,andresumedhisdiscourse.

"No,butIsay,youknow!I'lltellyouwhathappened.IhatetototterinwhereI'mnotwantedandallthat,butmywifemadesuchapointofit.Rightlyorwronglysheregardsmeasabitofahoundinthediplomacyline,andshebeggedmetolookyouupandseewhetherwecouldn'tdosomethingaboutsettlingthejollyoldthing.Imeantosay,youknow,theoldbird--oldBrewster,youknow--isconsiderablyperturbedabouttheaffair--hatesthethoughtofbeinginaposishwherehehaseithergottobitehisoldpalMcCallintheneckorbebittenbyhim--and--well,andsoforth,don'tyouknow!Howaboutit?"Hebrokeoff."GreatScot!Isay,what!"

Soengrossedhadhebeeninhisappealthathehadnotobservedthepresenceofthepie-eatingchampion,betweenwhomandhimselfalargepottedplantintervened.ButnowWashington,hearingthefamiliarvoice,hadmovedfromthewindowandwasconfrontinghimwithanaccusingstare.

"HEmademedoit!"saidWashy,withthesternjoyasixteen-year-oldboyfeelswhenheseessomebodyontowhoseshouldershecanshifttroublefromhisown."That'sthefellowwhotookmetotheplace!"

"Whatareyoutalkingabout,Washington?"

"I'mtellingyou!Hegotmeintothething."

"Doyoumeanthis--this--"Mrs.McCallshuddered."Areyoureferringtothispie-eatingcontest?"

"YoubetIam!"

"Isthistrue?"Mrs.McCallglaredstonilyatArchie,"Wasityouwholuredmypoorboyintothat--that--"



"Oh,absolutely.Thefactis,don'tyouknow,adearoldpalofminewhorunsatobaccoshoponSixthAvenuewasratherinthesoup.Hehadbackedachappieagainstthechampion,andthechappiewasconvertedbyoneofyourlecturesandsworeoffpieattheeleventhhour.Dashedhardluckonthepoorchap,don'tyouknow!AndthenIgottheideathatourlittlefriendherewastheonetostepinandsavethesituash,soIbroachedthemattertohim.AndI'lltellyouonething,"saidArchie,handsomely,"Idon'tknowwhatsortofacapacitytheoriginalchappiehad,butI'llbethewasn'tinyourson'sclass.Yoursonhastobeseentobebelieved!Absolutely!Yououghttobeproudofhim!"HeturnedinfriendlyfashiontoWashy."Rummyweshouldmeetagainlikethis!NeverdreamedIshouldfindyouhere.And,byJove,it'sabsolutelymarvelloushowfityoulookafteryesterday.Ihadasortofideayouwouldbegroaningonabedofsicknessandallthat."

Therewasastrangegurglingsoundinthebackground.Itresembledsomethinggettingupsteam.Andthis,curiouslyenough,ispreciselywhatitwas.ThethingthatwasgettingupsteamwasMr.LindsayMcCall.

ThefirsteffectoftheWashyrevelationsonMr.McCallhadbeenmerelytostunhim.ItwasnotuntilthearrivalofArchiethathehadhadleisuretothink;butsinceArchie'sentrancehehadbeenthinkingrapidlyanddeeply.

FormanyyearsMr.McCallhadbeeninastateofsuppressedrevolution.Hehadsmouldered,buthadnotdaredtoblaze.Butthisstartlingupheavalofhisfellow-sufferer,Washy,hadacteduponhimlikeahighexplosive.Therewasastrangegleaminhiseye,agleamofdetermination.Hewasbreathinghard.

"Washy!"

Hisvoicehadlostitsdeprecatingmildness.Itrangstrongandclear.

"Yes,pop?"

"Howmanypiesdidyoueatyesterday?"

Washyconsidered.

"Agoodfew."

"Howmany?Twenty?"

"Morethanthat.Ilostcount.Agoodfew."

"Andyoufeelaswellasever?"

"Ifeelfine."

Mr.McCalldroppedhisglasses.Hegloweredforamomentatthebreakfasttable.HiseyetookintheHealthBread,theimitationcoffee-pot,thecereal,thenut-butter.Thenwithaswiftmovementheseizedthecloth,jerkeditforcibly,andbroughttheentirecontentsrattlingandcrashingtothefloor.

"Lindsay!"

Mr.McCallmethiswife'seyewithquietdetermination.ItwasplainthatsomethinghadhappenedinthehinterlandofMr.McCall'ssoul.



"Cora,"hesaid,resolutely,"Ihavecometoadecision.I'vebeenlettingyourunthingsyourownwayalittletoolonginthisfamily.I'mgoingtoassertmyself.Foronething,I'vehadallIwantofthisfood-reformfoolery.LookatWashy!Yesterdaythatboyseemstohaveconsumedanythingfromacoupleofhundredweighttoatonofpie,andhehasthrivenonit!Thriven!Idon'twanttohurtyourfeelings,Cora,butWashingtonandIhavedrunkourlastcupofanti-caffeine!Ifyoucaretogoonwiththestuff,that'syourlook-out.ButWashyandIarethrough."

HesilencedhiswifewithamasterfulgestureandturnedtoArchie."Andthere'sanotherthing.Ineverlikedtheideaofthatlawsuit,butIletyoutalkmeintoit.NowI'mgoingtodothingsmyway.Mr.Moffam,I'mgladyoulookedinthismorning.I'lldojustwhatyouwant.TakemetoDanBrewsternow,andlet'scallthethingoff,andshakehandsonit."

"Areyoumad,Lindsay?"

ItwasCoraBatesMcCall'slastshot.Mr.McCallpaidnoattentiontoit.HewasshakinghandswithArchie.

"Iconsideryou,Mr.Moffam,"hesaid,"themostsensibleyoungmanIhaveevermet!"

Archieblushedmodestly.

"Awfullygoodofyou,oldbean,"hesaid."Iwonderifyou'dmindtellingmyjollyoldfather-in-lawthat?It'llbeabitofnewsforhim!"

CHAPTERXXIII.MOTHER'SKNEE

ArchieMoffam'sconnectionwiththatdevastatinglypopularballad,"Mother'sKnee,"wasonetowhichhealwayslookedbacklaterwithacertainpride."Mother'sKnee,"itwillberemembered,wentthroughtheworldlikeapestilence.Scotseldershummeditontheirwaytokirk;cannibalscroonedittotheiroffspringinthejunglesofBorneo;itwasabest-selleramongtheBolshevists.IntheUnitedStatesalonethreemillioncopiesweredisposedof.Foramanwhohasnotaccomplishedanythingoutstandinglygreatinhislife,itissomethingtohavebeeninasenseresponsibleforasonglikethat;and,thoughthereweremomentswhenArchieexperiencedsomeoftheemotionsofamanwhohaspunchedaholeinthedamofoneofthelargerreservoirs,heneverreallyregrettedhisshareinthelaunchingofthething.

Itseemsalmostbizarrenowtothinkthattherewasatimewhenevenonepersonintheworldhadnotheard"Mother'sKnee";butitcamefreshtoArchieoneafternoonsomeweeksaftertheepisodeofWashy,inhissuiteattheHotelCosmopolis,wherehewascementingwithcigarettesandpleasantconversationhisrenewedfriendshipwithWilsonHymack,whomhehadfirstmetintheneighbourhoodofArmentieresduringthewar.

"Whatareyoudoingthesedays?"enquiredWilsonHymack.

"Me?"saidArchie."Well,asamatteroffact,thereiswhatyoumight



callasortofspeciesoflullinmyactivitiesatthemoment.Butmyjollyoldfather-in-lawisbustlingabout,runningupanewhotelabitfartherdown-town,andtheschemeisformetobemanagerwhenit'sfinished.FromwhatIhaveseeninthisplace,it'sasimplesortofjob,andIfancyIshallbesomewhathotstuff.Howareyoufillinginthelonghours?"

"I'minmyuncle'soffice,darnit!"

"Startingatthebottomandlearningthebusinessandallthat?Anoblepursuit,nodoubt,butI'mboundtosayitwouldgivemethepipinnouncertainmanner."

"Itgivesme,"saidWilsonHymack,"apaininthethorax.Iwanttobeacomposer."

"Acomposer,eh?"

Archiefeltthatheshouldhaveguessedthis.Thechappiehadadistinctlyartisticlook.Heworeabow-tieandallthatsortofthing.Histrousersbaggedattheknees,andhishair,whichduringthemartialepochofhiscareerhadbeenprunedtotheroots,fellabouthisearsinluxuriantdisarray.

"Say!DoyouwanttohearthebestthingI'veeverdone?"

"Indubitably,"saidArchie,politely."Carryon,oldbird!"

"Iwrotethelyricaswellasthemelody,"saidWilsonHymack,whohadalreadyseatedhimselfatthepiano."It'sgotthegreatesttitleyoueverheard.It'salallapaloosa!It'scalled'It'saLongWayBacktoMother'sKnee.'How'sthat?Poor,eh?"

Archieexpelledasmoke-ringdoubtfully.

"Isn'titalittlestale?"

"Stale?Whatdoyoumean,stale?There'salwaysroomforanothersongboostingMother."

"Oh,isitboostingMother?"Archie'sfacecleared."Ithoughtitwasahitattheshortskirts.Why,ofcourse,thatmakesallthedifference.Inthatcase,Iseenoreasonwhyitshouldnotberipe,fruity,andprettywellalltothemustard.Let'shaveit."

WilsonHymackpushedasmuchofhishairoutofhiseyesashecouldreachwithonehand,clearedhisthroat,lookeddreamilyoverthetopofthepianoataphotographofArchie'sfather-in-law,Mr.DanielBrewster,playedaprelude,andbegantosinginaweak,high,composer'svoice.Allcomposerssingexactlyalike,andtheyhavetobe

heardtobebelieved.

"OnenightayoungmanwanderedthroughtheglitterofBroadway:Hismoneyhehadsquandered.Foramealhecouldn'tpay."

"Toughluck!"murmuredArchie,sympathetically.

"Hethoughtaboutthevillagewherehisboyhoodhehadspent,Andyearnedforallthesimplejoyswithwhichhe'dbeencontent."



"Therightspirit!"saidArchie,withapproval."I'mbeginningtolikethischappie!"

"Don'tinterrupt!"

"Oh,right-o!Carriedawayandallthat!"

"Helookeduponthecity,sofrivolousandgay;And,asheheavedawearysigh,thesewordshethendidsay:It'salongwaybacktoMother'sknee,Mother'sknee,Mother'sknee:It'salongwaybacktoMother'sknee,WhereIusedtostandandprattleWithmyteddy-bearandrattle:Oh,thosechildhooddaysinTennessee,Theysurelookgoodtome!It'salong,longway,butI'mgonnastartto-day!I'mgoingback,Believeme,oh!I'mgoingback(Iwanttogo!)I'mgoingback--back--ontheseven-three

TothedearoldshackwhereIusedtobe!I'mgoingbacktoMother'sknee!"

WilsonHymack'svoicecrackedonthefinalhighnote,whichwasofanaltitudebeyondhispowers.Heturnedwithamodestcough.

"That'llgiveyouanideaofit!"

"Ithas,oldthing,ithas!"

"Isitorisitnotaballoffire?"

"Ithasmanyoftheearmarksofasoundegg,"admittedArchie."Of

course--"

"Ofcourse,itwantssinging."

"JustwhatIwasgoingtosuggest."

"Itwantsawomantosingit.Awomanwhocouldreachoutforthatlasthighnoteandteachittotakeajoke.Thewholerefrainisworkinguptothat.YouneedTetrazziniorsomeonewhowouldjustpickthatnoteofftheroofandholdittillthejanitorcameroundtolockupthebuildingforthenight."

"Imustbuyacopyformywife.WherecanIgetit?"

"Youcan'tgetit!Itisn'tpublished.Writingmusic'sthedarndestjob!"WilsonHymacksnortedfiercely.Itwasplainthatthemanwaspouringoutthepent-upemotionofmanydays."Youwritethebiggestthinginyearsandyougoroundtryingtogetsomeonetosingit,andtheysayyou'reageniusandthenshovethesongawayinadrawerandforgetaboutit."

Archielitanothercigarette.



"I'majollyoldchildinthesematters,oldlad,"hesaid,"butwhydon'tyoutakeitdirecttoapublisher?Asamatteroffact,ifitwouldbeanyusetoyou,Iwasforegatheringwithamusic-publisheronlytheotherday.AbirdofthenameofBlumenthal.Hewaslunchinginherewithapalofmine,andwegottolerablymatey.Whynotletmetoolyouroundtotheofficeto-morrowandplayittohim?"

"No,thanks.Muchobliged,butI'mnotgoingtoplaythatmelodyinanypublisher'sofficewithhishiredgangofTin-PanAlleycomposerslisteningatthekeyholeandtakingnotes.I'llhavetowaittillIcanfindsomebodytosingit.Well,Imustbegoingalong.Gladtohaveseenyouagain.SoonerorlaterI'lltakeyoutohearthathighnotesungbysomeoneinawaythat'llmakeyourspinetieitselfinknotsroundthebackofyourneck."

"I'llcountthedays,"saidArchie,courteously."Pip-pip!"

HardlyhadthedoorclosedbehindthecomposerwhenitopenedagaintoadmitLucille.

"Hallo,lightofmysoul!"saidArchie,risingandembracinghiswife."Wherehaveyoubeenalltheafternoon?Iwasexpectingyouthismanyanhourpast.Iwantedyoutomeet--"

"I'vebeenhavingteawithagirldowninGreenwichVillage.Icouldn'tgetawaybefore.WhowasthatwhowentoutjustasIcamealongthepassage?"

"ChappieofthenameofHymack.ImethiminFrance.Acomposerandwhatnot."

"Weseemtohavebeenmovinginartisticcirclesthisafternoon.ThegirlIwenttoseeisasinger.Atleast,shewantstosing,butgetsnoencouragement."

"Preciselythesamewithmybird.Hewantstogethismusicsungbutnobody'llsingit.ButIdidn'tknowyouknewanyGreenwichVillage

warblers,sunshineofmyhome.Howdidyoumeetthisfemale?"

Lucillesatdownandgazedforlornlyathimwithherbiggreyeyes.Shewasregisteringsomething,butArchiecouldnotgatherwhatitwas.

"Archie,darling,whenyoumarriedmeyouundertooktosharemysorrows,didn'tyou?"

"Absolutely!It'sallinthebookofwords.Forbetterorforworse,insicknessandinhealth,all-down-set-'em-up-in-the-other-alley.Regulariron-cladcontract!"

"Thenshare'em!"saidLucille."Bill'sinloveagain!"

Archieblinked.

"Bill?WhenyousayBill,doyoumeanBill?YourbrotherBill?Mybrother-in-lawBill?JollyoldWilliam,thesonandheiroftheBrewsters?"

"Ido."

"Yousayhe'sinlove?Cupid'sdart?"



"Evenso!"

"But,Isay!Isn'tthisrather--WhatImeantosayis,thelad'sanabsolutescourge!TheGreatLover,what!Alsoran,BrighamYoung,andallthatsortofthing!Why,it'sonlyafewweeksagothathewasmoaningbrokenlyaboutthatvermilion-hairedfemalewhosubsequentlyhookedontooldReggievanTuyl!"

"She'salittlebetterthanthatgirl,thankgoodness.Allthesame,Idon'tthinkFatherwillapprove."

"Ofwhatcalibreisthelatestexhibit?"

"Well,shecomesfromtheMiddleWest,andseemstobetryingtobetwiceasBohemianastherestofthegirlsdowninGreenwichVillage.Shewearsherhairbobbedandgoesaboutinakimono.She'sprobablyreadmagazinestoriesaboutGreenwichVillage,andhasmodelledherselfonthem.It'ssosilly,whenyoucanseeHicksCornersstickingoutofherallthetime."

"ThatonegotpastmebeforeIcouldgrabit.Whatdidyousayshehadstickingoutofher?"

"Imeantthatanybodycouldseethatshecamefromsomewhereoutinthewilds.Asamatteroffact,BilltellsmethatshewasbroughtupinSnakeBite,Michigan."

"SnakeBite?WhatrummynamesyouhaveinAmerica!Still,I'lladmitthere'savillageinEnglandcalledNetherWallop,sowhoamItocastthefirststone?HowisoldBill?Prettyfeverish?"

"Hesaysthistimeitistherealthing."

"That'swhattheyallsay!IwishIhadadollarforeverytime--ForgottenwhatIwasgoingtosay!"brokeoffArchie,prudently."Soyouthink,"hewenton,afterapause,"thatWilliam'slatestis

goingtobeonemoreshockfortheolddad?"

"Ican'timagineFatherapprovingofher."

"I'vestudiedyourmerryoldprogenitorprettyclosely,"saidArchie,"and,betweenyouandme,Ican'timaginehimapprovingofanybody!"

"Ican'tunderstandwhyitisthatBillgoesoutofhiswaytopickthesehorrors.Iknowatleasttwentydelightfulgirls,allprettyandwithlotsofmoney,whowouldbejustthethingforhim;buthesneaksawayandgoesfallinginlovewithsomeoneimpossible.Andtheworstofitisthatonealwaysfeelsone'sgottodoone'sbesttoseehimthrough."

"Absolutely!Onedoesn'twanttothrowaspannerintotheworksofLove'syoungdream.Itbehovesustorallyround.Haveyouheardthisgirlsing?"

"Yes.Shesangthisafternoon."

"Whatsortofavoicehasshegot?"

"Well,it's--loud!"



"Couldshepickahighnoteofftheroofandholdittillthejanitorcameroundtolockupthebuildingforthenight?"

"Whatonearthdoyoumean?"

"Answermethis,woman,frankly.Howisherhighnote?Prettylofty?"

"Why,yes."

"Thensaynomore,"saidArchie."Leavethistome,mydearoldbetterfour-fifths!HandthewholethingovertoArchibald,themanwhoneverletsyoudown.Ihaveascheme!"

AsArchieapproachedhissuiteonthefollowingafternoonheheardthroughthecloseddoorthedroneofagruffmalevoice;and,goingin,discoveredLucilleinthecompanyofhisbrother-in-law.Lucille,Archiethought,waslookingatriflefatigued.Bill,ontheotherhand,wasingreatshape.Hiseyeswereshining,andhisfacelookedsolikethatofastuffedfrogthatArchiehadnodifficultyingatheringthathehadbeenlecturingonthesubjectofhislatestenslaver.

"Hallo,Bill,oldcrumpet!"hesaid.

"Hallo,Archie!"

"I'msogladyou'vecome,"saidLucille."BillistellingmeallaboutSpectatia."

"Who?"

"Spectatia.Thegirl,youknow.HernameisSpectatiaHuskisson."

"Itcan'tbe!"saidArchie,incredulously.

"Whynot?"growledBill.

"Well,howcouldit?"saidArchie,appealingtohimasareasonableman."Imeantosay!SpectatiaHuskisson!Igravelydoubtwhetherthereissuchaname."

"What'swrongwithit?"demandedtheincensedBill."It'sadarnedsightbetternamethanArchibaldMoffam."

"Don'tfight,youtwochildren!"intervenedLucille,firmly."It'sagoodoldMiddleWestname.EverybodyknowstheHuskissonsofSnakeBite,Michigan.Besides,BillcallsherTootles."

"Pootles,"correctedBill,austerely.

"Oh,yes,Pootles.HecallsherPootles."

"Youngblood!Youngblood!"sighedArchie.

"Iwishyouwouldn'ttalkasifyouweremygrandfather."

"Ilookonyouasason,laddie,afavouriteson!"

"IfIhadafatherlikeyou--!"-"Ah,butyouhaven't,young-feller-me-lad,andthat'sthetrouble.Ifyouhad,everything



wouldbesimple.Butasyouractualfather,ifyou'llallowmetosayso,isoneofthefinestspecimensofthehumanvampire-batincaptivity,somethinghasgottobedoneaboutit,andyou'redashedluckytohavemeinyourcorner,aguide,philosopher,andfriend,fullofthefruitiestideas.Now,ifyou'llkindlylistentomeforamoment--"

"I'vebeenlisteningtoyoueversinceyoucamein."

"Youwouldn'tspeakinthatharshtoneofvoiceifyouknewall!William,Ihaveascheme!"

"Well?"

"TheschemetowhichIalludeiswhatMaeterlinckwouldcallalallapaloosa!"

"Whatalittlemarvelheis!"saidLucille,regardingherhusbandaffectionately."Heeatsalotoffish,Bill.That'swhatmakeshimsoclever!"

"Shrimps!"diagnosedBill,churlishly.

"Doyouknowtheleaderoftheorchestraintherestaurantdownstairs?"

askedArchie,ignoringtheslur.

"IknowthereISaleaderoftheorchestra.Whatabouthim?"

"Asoundfellow.Greatpalofmine.I'veforgottenhisname--"

"CallhimPootles!"suggestedLucille.

"Desist!"saidArchie,asawordlessgrowlproceededfromhisstrickenbrother-in-law."Temperyourhilaritywithamodicumofreserve.Thisgirlishfrivolityisunseemly.Well,I'mgoingtohaveachatwiththischappieandfixitallup."

"Fixwhatup?"

"Thewholejollybusiness.I'mgoingtokilltwobirdswithonestone.I'veacomposerchappiepoppingaboutinthebackgroundwhoseoneambish.istohavehispetsongsungbeforeadiscriminatingaudience.Youhaveasingerstrainingattheleash.I'mgoingtoarrangewiththiseggwholeadstheorchestrathatyourfemaleshallsingmychappie'ssongdownstairsonenightduringdinner.Howaboutit?Isitorisitnotaballoffire?"

"It'snotabadidea,"admittedBill,brighteningvisibly."Iwouldn'thavethoughtyouhaditinyou."

"Whynot?"

"Well--"

"It'sacapitalidea,"saidLucille."Quiteoutofthequestion,ofcourse."

"Howdoyoumean?"

"Don'tyouknowthattheonethingFatherhatesmorethananythingelse



intheworldisanythinglikeacabaret?Peoplearealwayscomingtohim,suggestingthatitwouldbrightenupthedinnerhourifhehadsingersandthings,andhecrushesthemintolittlebits.Hethinksthere'snothingthatlowersthetoneofaplacemore.He'llbiteyouinthreeplaceswhenyousuggestittohim!"

"Ah!Buthasitescapedyournotice,lightingsystemofmysoul,thatthedearolddadisnotatpresentinresidence?HewentofftofishatLakeWhat's-its-namethismorning."

"Youaren'tdreamingofdoingthiswithoutaskinghim?"

"Thatwasthegeneralidea."

"Buthe'llbefuriouswhenhefindsout."

"Butwillhefindout?Iaskyou,willhe?"

"Ofcoursehewill."

"Idon'tseewhyheshould,"saidBill,onwhoseplasticmindtheplanhadmadeadeepimpression.

"Hewon't,"saidArchie,confidently."Thiswheezeisforonenight

only.Bythetimethejollyoldguv'norreturns,bittentothebonebymosquitoes,withonesmallstuffedtroutinhissuit-case,everythingwillbeoverandallquietoncemorealongthePotomac.Theschemeisthis.Mychappiewantshissongheardbyapublisher.Yourgirlwantshervoiceheardbyoneoftheblighterswhogetupconcertsandallthatsortofthing.Nodoubtyouknowsuchabird,whomyoucouldinvitetothehotelforabitofdinner?"

"IknowCarlSteinburg.Asamatteroffact,IwasthinkingofwritingtohimaboutSpectatia."

"You'reabsolutelysurethatIShername?"saidArchie,hisvoicestilltingedwithincredulity."Oh,well,Isupposeshetoldyousoherself,

andnodoubtsheknowsbest.Thatwillbetopping.Ropeinyourpalandholdhimdownatthetabletillthefinish.Lucille,thebeautifulvisiononthesky-lineyonder,andIwillbeatanothertableentertainingMaxieBlumenthal"

"WhoonearthisMaxieBlumenthal?"askedLucille.

"Oneofmyboyhoodchums.Amusic-publisher.I'llgethimtocomealong,andthenwe'llallbeset.AttheconclusionoftheperformanceMiss--"Archiewinced--"MissSpectatiaHuskissonwillbesignedupforafortyweeks'tour,andjovialoldBlumenthalwillbemakingallarrangementsforpublishingthesong.Twobirds,asIindicatedbefore,withonestone!Howaboutit?"

"It'sawinner,"saidBill.

"Ofcourse,"saidArchie,"I'mnoturgingyou.Imerelymakethesuggestion.Ifyouknowabetter'olegotoit!"

"It'sterrific!"saidBill.

"It'sabsurd!"saidLucille.



"Mydearoldpartnerofjoysandsorrows,"saidArchie,wounded,"wecourtcriticism,butthisismereabuse.Whatseemstobethedifficulty?"

"Theleaderoftheorchestrawouldbeafraidtodoit."

"Tendollars--suppliedbyWilliamhere--pushitover,Bill,oldman--willremovehistremors."

"AndFather'scertaintofindout."

"AmIafraidofFather?"criedArchie,manfully."Well,yes,Iam!"headded,afteramoment'sreflection."ButIdon'tseehowhecanpossiblygettoknow."

"Ofcoursehecan't,"saidBill,decidedly."Fixitupassoonasyoucan,Archie.Thisiswhatthedoctorordered."

CHAPTERXXIV.THEMELTINGOFMR.CONNOLLY

Themaindining-roomoftheHotelCosmopolisisadecorousplace.Thelightingisartisticallydim,andthegenuineoldtapestriesonthewallsseem,withtheirmediaevalcalm,todiscourageanyessayintheriotous.Soft-footedwaitersshimmertoandfrooverthick,expensivecarpetstothemusicofanorchestrawhichabstainswhollyfromthenoisymodernityofjazz.ToArchie,whoduringthepastfewdayshadbeenprivilegedtohearMissHuskissonrehearsing,theplacehadasortofbroodingquiet,liketheoceanjustbeforethearrivalofacyclone.AsLucillehadsaid,MissHuskisson'svoicewasloud.Itwasapowerfulorgan,andtherewasnodoubtthatitwouldtakethecloisteredstillnessoftheCosmopolisdining-roomandstanditononeear.Almostunconsciously,ArchiefoundhimselfbracinghismusclesandholdinghisbreathashehaddoneinFranceattheapproachofthezerohour,when

awaitingthefirstroarofabarrage.HelistenedmechanicallytotheconversationofMr.Blumenthal.

Themusic-publisherwastalkingwithsomevehemenceonthesubjectofLabour.Arecentprinters'strikehadbittendeeplyintoMr.Blumenthal'ssoul.Theworkingman,heconsidered,wasrapidlylandingGod'sCountryinthesoup,andhehadtwiceupsethisglasswiththevehemenceofhisgesticulation.Hewasanenergeticright-and-left-handtalker.

"Themoreyougive'emthemoretheywant!"hecomplained."There'snopleasing'em!Itisn'tonlyinmybusiness.There'syourfather,Mrs.Moffam!"

"GoodGod!Where?"saidArchie,starting.

"Isay,takeyourfather'scase.He'sdoingallheknowstogetthisnewhotelofhisfinished,andwhathappens?Amangetsfiredforloafingonhisjob,andConnollycallsastrike.Andthebuildingoperationsarehelduptillthething'ssettled!Itisn'tright!"

"It'sagreatshame,"agreedLucille."Iwasreadingaboutitinthepaperthismorning."



"ThatmanConnolly'satoughguy.You'dthink,beingapersonalfriendofyourfather,hewould--"

"Ididn'tknowtheywerefriends."

"Beenfriendsforyears.Butalotofdifferencethatmakes.Outcomethemenjustthesame.Itisn'tright!Iwassayingitwasn'tright!"repeatedMr.BlumenthaltoArchie,forhewasamanwholikedtheattentionofeverymemberofhisaudience.

Archiedidnotreply.Hewasstaringglassilyacrosstheroomattwomenwhohadjustcomein.Onewasalarge,stout,square-facedmanofcommandingpersonality.TheotherwasMr.DanielBrewster.

Mr.Blumenthalfollowedhisgaze.

"Why,thereisConnollycominginnow!"

"Father!"gaspedLucille.

HereyesmetArchie's.Archietookahastydrinkofice-water.

"This,"hemurmured,"hastornit!"

"Archie,youmustdosomething!"

"Iknow!Butwhat?"

"What'sthetrouble?"enquiredMr.Blumenthal,mystified.

"Goovertotheirtableandtalktothem,"saidLucille.

"Me!"Archiequivered."No,Isay,oldthing,really!"

"Getthemaway!"

"Howdoyoumean?"

"Iknow!"criedLucille,inspired,"Fatherpromisedthatyoushouldbemanagerofthenewhotelwhenitwasbuilt.Well,then,thisstrikeaffectsyoujustasmuchasanybodyelse.Youhaveaperfectrighttotalkitoverwiththem.Goandaskthemtohavedinnerupinoursuitewhereyoucandiscussitquietly.Saythatuptheretheywon'tbedisturbedbythe--themusic."

Atthismoment,whileArchiewavered,hesitatinglikeadiverontheedgeofaspring-boardwhoistryingtosummonupthenecessarynervetoprojecthimselfintothedeep,abell-boyapproachedthetablewheretheMessrs.BrewsterandConnollyhadseatedthemselves.Hemurmured

somethinginMr.Brewster'sear,andtheproprietoroftheCosmopolisroseandfollowedhimoutoftheroom.

"Quick!Now'syourchance!"saidLucille,eagerly."Father'sbeencalledtothetelephone.Hurry!"

Archietookanotherdrinkofice-watertosteadyhisshakingnerve-centers,pulleddownhiswaistcoat,straightenedhistie,andthen,withsomethingoftheairofaRomangladiatorenteringthearena,totteredacrosstheroom.Lucilleturnedtoentertaintheperplexed



music-publisher.

ThenearerArchiegottoMr.AloysiusConnollythelessdidhelikethelooksofhim.EvenatadistancetheLabourleaderhadhadaformidableaspect.Seencloseto,helookedevenmoreuninviting.Hisfacehadtheappearanceofhavingbeencarvedoutofgranite,andtheeyewhichcollidedwithArchie'sasthelatter,withanattemptataningratiatingsmile,pulledupachairandsatdownatthetablewashardandfrosty.Mr.Connollygavetheimpressionthathewouldbeagoodmantohaveonyoursideduringarough-and-tumblefightdownonthewater-frontorinsomelumber-camp,buthedidnotlookchummy.

"Hallo-allo-allo!"saidArchie.

"Whothedevil,"inquiredMr.Connolly,"areyou?"

"Myname'sArchibaldMoffam."

"That'snotmyfault."

"I'mjollyoldBrewster'sson-in-law."

"Gladtomeetyou."

"GladtomeetYOU,"saidArchie,handsomely.

"Well,good-bye!"saidMr.Connolly.

"Eh?"

"Runalongandsellyourpapers.Yourfather-in-lawandIhavebusinesstodiscuss."

"Yes,Iknow."

"Private,"addedMr.Connolly.

"Oh,butI'minonthisbinge,youknow.I'mgoingtobethemanagerofthenewhotel."

"You!"

"Absolutely!"

"Well,well!"saidMr.Connolly,noncommittally.

Archie,pleasedwiththesmoothnesswithwhichmattershadopened,bentforwardwinsomely.

"Isay,youknow!Itwon'tdo,youknow!Absolutelyno!Notabitlike

it!No,no,farfromit!Well,howaboutit?Howdowego?What?Yes?No?"

"Whatonearthareyoutalkingabout?"

"Callitoff,oldthing!"

"Callwhatoff?"

"Thisfestiveoldstrike."



"Notonyour--hallo,Dan!Backagain?"

Mr.Brewster,loomingoverthetablelikeathundercloud,regardedArchiewithmorethanhiscustomaryhostility.LifewasnopleasantthingfortheproprietoroftheCosmopolisjustnow.Onceamanstartsbuildinghotels,thethingbecomeslikedram-drinking.Anyhitch,anysuddencutting-offofthedailydose,hastheworsteffects;andthestrikewhichwasholdinguptheconstructionofhislatestefforthadplungedMr.Brewsterintoarestlessgloom.Inadditiontohavingthisstrikeonhishands,hehadhadtoabandonhisannualfishing-tripjustwhenhehadbeguntoenjoyit;and,asifallthiswerenotenough,herewashisson-in-lawsittingathistable.Mr.Brewsterhadafeelingthatthiswasmorethanmanwasmeanttobear.

"Whatdoyouwant?"hedemanded.

"Hallo,oldthing!"saidArchie."Comeandjointheparty!"

"Don'tcallmeoldthing!"

"Right-o,oldcompanion,justasyousay.Isay,IwasjustgoingtosuggesttoMr.Connollythatweshouldallgouptomysuiteandtalkthisbusinessoverquietly."

"Hesayshe'sthemanagerofyournewhotel,"saidMr.Connolly."Isthatright?"

"Isupposeso,"saidMr.Brewster,gloomily.

"ThenI'mdoingyouakindness,"saidMr.Connolly,"innotlettingitbebuilt."

Archiedabbedathisforeheadwithhishandkerchief.Themomentswereflying,anditbegantoseemimpossibletoshiftthesetwomen.Mr.Connollywasasfirmlysettledinhischairassomeprimevalrock.AsforMr.Brewster,he,too,hadseatedhimself,andwasgazingatArchie

withawearyrepulsion.Mr.Brewster'sglancealwaysmadeArchiefeelasthoughthereweresouponhisshirt-front.

Andsuddenlyfromtheorchestraattheotherendoftheroomtherecameafamiliarsound,thepreludeof"Mother'sKnee."

"Soyou'vestartedacabaret,Dan?"saidMr.Connolly,inasatisfiedvoice."Ialwaystoldyouyouwerebehindthetimeshere!"

Mr.Brewsterjumped.

"Cabaret!"

Hestaredunbelievinglyatthewhite-robedfigurewhichhadjustmountedtheorchestradais,andthenconcentratedhisgazeonArchie.

Archiewouldnothavelookedathisfather-in-lawatthisjunctureifhehadhadafreeanduntrammelledchoice;butMr.Brewster'seyedrewhiswithsomethingofthefascinationwhichasnake'shasforarabbit.Mr.Brewster'seyewasfieryandintimidating.Abasiliskmighthavegonetohimwithadvantageforacourseoflessons.HisgazewentrightthroughArchietillthelatterseemedtofeelhisback-haircurlingcrisplyintheflames.



"Isthisoneofyourfool-tricks?"

EveninthistensemomentArchiefoundtimealmostunconsciouslytoadmirehisfather-in-law'spenetrationandintuition.Heseemedtohaveasortofsixthsense.Nodoubtthiswashowgreatfortunesweremade.

"Well,asamatteroffact--tobeabsolutelyaccurate--itwaslikethis--"

"Say,cutitout!"saidMr.Connolly."Canthechatter!Iwanttolisten."

Archiewasonlytooreadytoobligehim.Conversationatthemomentwasthelastthinghehimselfdesired.HemanagedwithastrongefforttodisengagehimselffromMr.Brewster'seye,andturnedtotheorchestradais,whereMissSpectatiaHuskissonwasnowbeginningthefirstverseofWilsonHymack'smasterpiece.

MissHuskisson,likesomanyofthefemaledenizensoftheMiddleWest,wastallandblondeandconstructedonsubstantiallines.Shewasagirlwhoseappearancesuggestedtheoldhomesteadandfriedpancakesandpopcominghometodinnerafterthemorning'sploughing.Evenherbobbedhairdidnotaltogetherdestroythisimpression.Shelookedbigand

strongandhealthy,andherlungswereobviouslygood.Sheattackedtheverseofthesongwithsomethingofthevigourandbreadthoftreatmentwithwhichinotherdaysshehadreasonedwithrefractorymules.HerdictionwasthedictionofonetrainedtocallthecattlehomeintheteethofWesternhurricanes.Whetheryouwantedtoornot,youheardeveryword.

Thesubduedclatterofknivesandforkshadceased.Thediners,unusedtothissortofthingattheCosmopolis,weretryingtoadjusttheirfacultiestocopewiththeoutburst.Waitersstoodtransfixed,frozen,inattitudesofservice.InthemomentarylullbetweenverseandrefrainArchiecouldhearthedeepbreathingofMr.Brewster.Involuntarilyheturnedtogazeathimoncemore,asrefugeesfromPompeiimayhave

turnedtogazeuponVesuvius;and,ashedidso,hecaughtsightofMr.Connolly,andpausedinastonishment.

Mr.Connollywasanalteredman.Hiswholepersonalityhadundergoneasubtlechange.Hisfacestilllookedasthoughhewnfromthelivingrock,butintohiseyeshadcreptanexpressionwhichinanothermanmightalmosthavebeencalledsentimental.IncredibleasitseemedtoArchie,Mr.Connolly'seyesweredreamy.Therewaseveninthemasuggestionofunshedtears.AndwhenwithavastculminationofsoundMissHuskissonreachedthehighnoteattheendoftherefrainand,afterholdingitassomestorming-party,spentbutvictorious,holdsthesummitofahard-wonredoubt,brokeoffsuddenly,inthestillnesswhichfollowedthereproceededfromMr.Connollyadeepsigh.

MissHuskissonbeganthesecondverse.AndMr.Brewster,seemingtorecoverfromsomekindofatrance,leapedtohisfeet.

"GreatGodfrey!"

"Sitdown!"saidMr.Connolly,inabrokenvoice."Sitdown,Dan!"

"Hewentbacktohismotheronthetrainthatveryday:Heknewtherewasnootherwhocouldmakehimbrightand



gay:Hekissedherontheforeheadandhewhispered,'I'vecomehome!'Hetoldherhewasnevergoinganymoretoroam.Andonwardthroughthehappyyears,tillhegrewoldandgrey,Heneveronceregrettedthosebravewordsheoncedidsay:It'salongwaybacktomother'sknee--"

Thelasthighnotescreechedacrosstheroomlikeashell,andtheapplausethatfollowedwaslikeashell'sbursting.OnecouldhardlyhaverecognisedtherefinedinterioroftheCosmopolisdining-room.Fairwomenwerewavingnapkins;bravemenwerehammeringonthetableswiththebutt-endofknives,foralltheworldasiftheyimaginedthemselvestobeinoneofthosedistressingmidnight-revueplaces.MissHuskissonbowed,retired,returned,bowed,andretiredagain,thetearsstreamingdownherampleface.OverinacornerArchiecouldseehisbrother-in-lawclappingstrenuously.Awaiter,withadisplayofmanlyemotionthatdidhimcredit,droppedanorderofnewpeas.

"ThirtyyearsagolastOctober,"saidMr.Connolly,inashakingvoice,"I--"

Mr.Brewsterinterruptedhimviolently.

"I'llfirethatorchestra-leader!Hegoesto-morrow!I'llfire--"HeturnedonArchie."Whatthedevildoyoumeanbyit,you--you--"

"Thirtyyearsago,"saidMr.Connolly,wipingawayatearwithhisnapkin,"Ileftmedearoldhomeintheoldcountry--"

"MYhotelabear-garden!"

"Frightfullysorryandallthat,oldcompanion--"

"ThirtyyearsagolastOctober!'Twasafineautumneveningthefinestye'deverwishtosee.Meoldmother,shecametothestationtoseeme

off."

Mr.Brewster,whowasnotdeeplyinterestedinMr.Connolly'soldmother,continuedtosplutterinarticulately,likeafireworktryingtogooff.

"'Ye'llalwaysbeagoodboy,Aloysius?'shesaidtome,"saidMr.Connolly,proceedingwith,hisautobiography."AndIsaid:'Yes,Mother,Iwill!'"Mr.Connollysighedandappliedthenapkinagain."'TwasaliarIwas!"heobserved,remorsefully."Many'sthedirtyI'veplayedsincethen.'It'salongwaybacktoMother'sknee.''Tisatrueword!"HeturnedimpulsivelytoMr.Brewster."Dan,there'sadealoftroubleinthisworldwithoutmegoingoutofmewaytomakemore.Thestrikeis

over!I'llsendthemenbacktomorrow!There'smehandonit!"

Mr.Brewster,whohadjustmanagedtoco-ordinatehisviewsonthesituationandwasabouttoexpressthemwiththegenerousstrengthwhichwaseverhiscustomwhendealingwithhisson-in-law,checkedhimselfabruptly.Hestaredathisoldfriendandbusinessenemy,wonderingifhecouldhaveheardaright.HopebegantocreepbackintoMr.Brewster'sheart,likeashamefaceddogthathasbeenawayfromhomehuntingforadayortwo.



"You'llwhat!"

"I'llsendthemenbackto-morrow!Thatsongwassenttoguideme,Dan!Itwasmeant!ThirtyyearsagolastOctobermedearoldmother--"

Mr.Brewsterbentforwardattentively.HisviewsonMr.Connolly'sdearoldmotherhadchanged.Hewantedtohearallabouther.

"'Twasthatlastnotethatgirlsangbroughtitallbacktomeasif'twasyesterday.Aswewaitedontheplatform,meoldmotherandI,outcomesthetrainfromthetunnel,andtheengineletsoffascreechthewayye'dhearittenmilesaway.'Twasthirtyyearsago--"

Archiestolesoftlyfromthetable.Hefeltthathispresence,ifithadeverbeenrequired,wasrequirednolonger.Lookingback,hecouldseehisfather-in-lawpattingMr.Connollyaffectionatelyontheshoulder.

ArchieandLucillelingeredovertheircoffee.Mr.Blumenthalwasoutinthetelephone-boxsettlingthebusinessendwithWilsonHymack.Themusic-publisherhadbeenunstintedinhispraiseof"Mother'sKnee."Itwassure-fire,hesaid.Thewords,statedMr.Blumenthal,weregooeyenoughtohurt,andthetuneremindedhimofeveryothersong-hithehadeverheard.Therewas,inMr.Blumenthal'sopinion,nothingtostopthisthingsellingamillioncopies.

Archiesmokedcontentedly.

"Notabadevening'swork,oldthing,"hesaid."Talkaboutbirdswithonestone!"HelookedatLucillereproachfully."Youdon'tseembubblingoverwithjoy."

"Oh,Iam,precious!"Lucillesighed."IwasonlythinkingaboutBill."

"WhataboutBill?"

"Well,it'sratherawfultothinkofhimtiedforlifetothat-thatsteam-siren."

"Oh,wemustn'tlookonthejollyolddarkside.Perhaps--Hallo,Bill,oldtop!Wewerejusttalkingaboutyou."

"Wereyou?"saidBillBrewster,inadispiritedvoice.

"Itakeitthatyouwantcongratulations,what?"

"Iwantsympathy!"

"Sympathy?"

"Sympathy!Andlotsofit!She'sgone!"

"Gone!Who?"

"Spectatia!"

"Howdoyoumean,gone?"

Billgloweredatthetablecloth.

"Gonehome.I'vejustseenheroffinacab.She'sgonebackto



doneanythingoutoftheordinary;but--well,youknowhowitis.Wehusbands,weladsofthefor-better-or-for-worsebrigade,welearntopiercethemask.TherehadbeeninLucille'smannerthatcurious,strainedsweetnesswhichcomestowomenwhosehusbandshavefailedtomatchthepieceofsilkorforgottentopostanimportantletter.Ifhisconsciencehadnotbeenasclearascrystal,Archiewouldhavesaidthatthatwaswhatmusthavebeenthematter.But,whenLucillewroteletters,shejuststeppedoutofthesuiteanddroppedtheminthemail-chuteattachedtotheelevator.Itcouldn'tbethat.Andhecouldn'thaveforgottenanythingelse,because--"

"Ohmysaintedaunt!"

Archie'scigarettesmouldered,neglected,betweenhisfingers.Hisjawhadfallenandhiseyeswerestaringglassilybeforehim.Hewasappalled.Hismemorywasweak,heknew;butneverbeforehaditlethimdown,soscurvilyasthis.Thiswasarecord.Itstoodinaclassbyitself,printedinredinkandmarkedwithastar,asthebloomerofalifetime.Foramanmayforgetmanythings:hemayforgethisname,hisumbrella,hisnationality,hisspats,andthefriendsofhisyouth:butthereisonethingwhichyourmarriedman,yourin-sickness-and-in-healthlizardmustnotforget:andthatistheanniversaryofhiswedding-day.

RemorsesweptoverArchielikeawave.HisheartbledforLucille.Nowonderthepoorgirlhadbeenrummyatbreakfast.Whatgirlwouldn'tberummyatbreakfast,tiedforlifetoaghastlyoutsiderlikehimself?Hegroanedhollowly,andsaggedforlornlyinhischair:and,ashedidso,theVenuscaughthiseye.Foritwasaneye-catchingpicture.Youmightlikeitordislikeit,butyoucouldnotignoreit.

Asastrongswimmershootstothesurfaceafterahighdive,Archie'ssoulrosesuddenlyfromthedepthstowhichithaddescended.Hedidnotoftengetinspirations,buthegotonenow.Hopedawnedwithajerk.Theonewayouthadpresenteditselftohim.Arichpresent!Thatwasthewheeze.Ifhereturnedtoherbearingarichpresent,hemight,withthehelpofHeavenandafaceofbrass,succeedinmakingherbelievethat

hehadmerelypretendedtoforgetthevitaldateinordertoenhancethesurprise.

Itwasascheme.Likesomegreatgeneralforminghisplanofcampaignontheeveofbattle,Archiehadthewholebingeneatlyworkedoutinsideaminute.HescribbledanotetoMr.Wheeler,explainingthesituationandpromisingreasonablepaymentontheinstalmentsystem;then,placingthenoteinaconspicuouspositionontheeasel,heleapedtothetelephone:andpresentlyfoundhimselfconnectedwithLucille'sroomattheCosmopolis.

"Hullo,darling,"hecooed.

Therewasaslightpauseattheotherendofthewire.

"Oh,hullo,Archie!"

Lucille'svoicewasdullandlistless,andArchie'sexperiencedearcoulddetectthatshehadbeencrying.Heraisedhisrightfoot,andkickedhimselfindignantlyontheleftankle.

"Manyhappyreturnsoftheday,oldthing!"



Amuffledsobfloatedoverthewire.

"Haveyouonlyjustremembered?"saidLucilleinasmallvoice.

Archie,bracinghimselfup,cackledgleefullyintothereceiver.

"DidItakeyouin,lightofmyhome?DoyoumeantosayyoureallythoughtIhadforgotten?ForHeaven'ssake!"

"Youdidn'tsayawordatbreakfast."

"Ah,butthatwasallpartofthedevilishcunning.Ihadn'tgotapresentforyouthen.Atleast,Ididn'tknowwhetheritwasready."

"Oh,Archie,youdarling!"Lucille'svoicehadlostitscrushedmelancholy.Shetrilledlikeathrush,oralinnet,oranybirdthatgoesinlargelyfortrilling."Haveyoureallygotmeapresent?"

"It'sherenow.Thedickensofafruitypicture.OneofJ.B.Wheeler'sthings.You'lllikeit."

"Oh,IknowIshall.Ilovehiswork.Youareanangel.We'llhangitoverthepiano."

"I'llberoundwithitinsomethingunderthreeticks,starofmysoul.I'lltakeataxi."

"Yes,dohurry!Iwanttohugyou!"

"Right-o!"saidArchie."I'lltaketwotaxis."

ItisnotfarfromWashingtonSquaretotheHotelCosmopolis,andArchiemadethejourneywithoutmishap.Therewasalittleunpleasantnesswiththecabmanbeforestarting--he,ontheprudishpleathathewasamarriedmanwithalocalreputationtokeepup,decliningatfirsttobeseenincompanywiththemasterpiece.But,onArchiegivingapromisetokeepthefrontofthepictureawayfromthepublicgaze,heconsented

totakethejobon;and,sometenminuteslater,havingmadehiswayblushfullythroughthehotellobbyandenduredthefrankcuriosityoftheboywhoworkedtheelevator,Archieenteredhissuite,thepictureunderhisarm.

HeplaceditcarefullyagainstthewallinordertoleavehimselfmorescopeforembracingLucille,andwhenthejoyfulreunion--orthesacredscene,ifyouprefersotocallit,wasconcluded,hesteppedforwardtoturnitroundandexhibitit.

"Why,it'senormous,"saidLucille."Ididn'tknowMr.Wheelereverpaintedpicturesthatsize.Whenyousaiditwasoneofhis,Ithoughtitmustbetheoriginalofamagazinedrawingorsomethinglike--Oh!"

Archiehadmovedbackandgivenheranuninterruptedviewoftheworkofart,andshehadstartedasifsomeunkindlydisposedpersonhaddrivenabradawlintoher.

"Prettyripe,what?"saidArchieenthusiastically.

Lucilledidnotspeakforamoment.Itmayhavebeensuddenjoythatkepthersilent.Or,ontheotherhand,itmaynot.Shestoodlookingatthepicturewithwideeyesandpartedlips.



"Abird,eh?"saidArchie.

"Y--yes,"saidLucille.

"Iknewyou'dlikeit,"proceededArchiewithanimation,"Yousee?you'rebywayofbeingapicture-hound--knowallaboutthethings,andwhatnot--inherititfromthedearolddad,Ishouldn'twonder.Personally,Ican'ttellonepicturefromanotherasarule,butI'mboundtosay,themomentIseteyesonthis,Isaidtomyself'Whatho!'orwordstothateffect,Iratherthinkthiswilladdatouchofdistinctiontothehome,yes,no?I'llhangitup,shallI?'Phonedowntotheoffice,lightofmysoul,andtellthemtosendupanail,abitofstring,andthehotelhammer."

"Onemoment,darling.I'mnotquitesure."

"Eh?"

"Whereitoughttohang,Imean.Yousee--"

"Overthepiano,yousaid.Thejollyoldpiano."

"Yes,butIhadn'tseenitthen."

AmonstroussuspicionflittedforaninstantintoArchie'smind.

"Isay,youdolikeit,don'tyou?"hesaidanxiously.

"Oh,Archie,darling!OfcourseIdo!-Anditwassosweetofyoutogiveittome.But,whatIwastryingtosaywasthatthispictureisso--sostrikingthatIfeelthatweoughttowaitalittlewhileanddecidewhereitwouldhavethebesteffect.Thelightoverthepianoisratherstrong."

"Youthinkitoughttohanginadimmishlight,what?"

"Yes,yes.Thedimmerthe--Imean,yes,inadimlight.Supposeweleaveitinthecornerforthemoment--overthere--behindthesofa,and--andI'llthinkitover.Itwantsalotofthought,youknow."

"Right-o!Here?"

"Yes,thatwilldosplendidly.Oh,and,Archie."

"Hullo?"

"Ithinkperhaps...Justturnitsfacetothewall,willyou?"Lucillegavealittlegulp."Itwillpreventitgettingdusty."

ItperplexedArchiealittleduringthenextfewdaystonoticeinLucille,whomhehadalwayslookedonaspre-eminentlyagirlwhoknewherownmind,acuriousstreakofvacillation.QuitehalfadozentimeshesuggestedvariousspotsonthewallassuitablefortheVenus,butLucilleseemedunabletodecide.Archiewishedthatshewouldsettleonsomethingdefinite,forhewantedtoinviteJ.B.Wheelertothesuitetoseethething.Hehadheardnothingfromtheartistsincethedayhehadremovedthepicture,andonemorning,encounteringhimonBroadway,heexpressedhisappreciationoftheverydecentmannerinwhichtheotherhadtakenthewholeaffair.



"Oh,that!"saidJ.B.Wheeler."Mydearfellow,you'rewelcome."Hepausedforamoment."Morethanwelcome,"headded."Youaren'tmuchofanexpertonpictures,areyou?"

"Well,"saidArchie,"Idon'tknowthatyou'dcallmeanabsolutenib,don'tyouknow,butofcourseIknowenoughtoseethatthisparticularexhibitisnotalittlefruity.Absolutelyoneofthebestthingsyou'veeverdone,laddie."

AslightpurpletingemanifesteditselfinMr.Wheeler'sroundandrosyface.Hiseyesbulged.

"Whatareyoutalkingabout,youTishbite?YoumisguidedsonofBelial,areyouundertheimpressionthatIpaintedthatthing?"

"Didn'tyou?"

Mr.Wheelerswallowedalittleconvulsively.

"Myfianceepaintedit,"hesaidshortly.

"Yourfiancee?Mydearoldlad,Ididn'tknowyouwereengaged.Whoisshe?DoIknowher?"

"HernameisAliceWigmore.Youdon'tknowher."

"Andshepaintedthatpicture?"Archiewasperturbed."But,Isay!Won'tshebeapttowonderwherethethinghasgotto?"

"Itoldherithadbeenstolen.Shethoughtitagreatcompliment,andwastickledtodeath.Sothat'sallright."

"And,ofcourse,she'llpaintyouanother."

"NotwhileIhavemystrengthshewon't,"saidJ.B.Wheelerfirmly."She'sgivenuppaintingsinceItaughthergolf,thankgoodness,and

mybesteffortsshallbeemployedinseeingthatshedoesn'thavearelapse."

"But,laddie,"saidArchie,puzzled,"youtalkasthoughthereweresomethingwrongwiththepicture.Ithoughtitdashedhotstuff."

"Godblessyou!"saidJ.B.Wheeler.

Archieproceededonhisway,stillmystified.Thenhereflectedthatartistsasaclasswereallprettyweirdandrummyandtalkedmoreorlessconsistentlythroughtheirhats.Youcouldn'tevertakeanartist'sopiniononapicture.NineoutoftenofthemhadviewsonArtwhichwouldhaveadmittedthemtoanylooney-bin,andnoquestionsasked.He

hadmetseveralofthespecieswhoabsolutelyravedoverthingswhichanyreasonablechappiewoulddeclinetobefounddeadinaditchwith.HisadmirationfortheWigmoreVenus,whichhadfalteredforamomentduringhisconversationwithJ.B.Wheeler,returnedinallitspristinevigour.Absoluterot,hemeanttosay,totrytomakeoutthatitwasn'toneoftheonesandjustlikemotherusedtomake.LookhowLucillehadlikedit!

Atbreakfastnextmorning,Archieoncemorebroughtupthequestionofthehangingofthepicture.Itwasabsurdtoletathinglikethatgoon



wastingitssweetnessbehindasofawithitsfacetothewall.

"Touchingthejollyoldmasterpiece,"hesaid,"howaboutit?Ithinkit'stimewehoisteditupsomewhere."

Lucillefiddledpensivelywithhercoffee-spoon.

"Archie,dear,"shesaid,"I'vebeenthinking."

"Andaverygoodthingtodo,"saidArchie."I'veoftenmeanttodoitmyselfwhenIgotabitoftime."

"Aboutthatpicture,Imean.Didyouknowitwasfather'sbirthdayto-morrow?"

"Whyno,oldthing,Ididn't,tobeabsolutelyhonest.Yourreveredparentdoesn'tconfideinmemuchthesedays,asamatteroffact."

"Well,itis.AndIthinkweoughttogivehimapresent."

"Absolutely.Buthow?I'mallforspreadingsweetnessandlight,andcheeringupthejollyoldpater'ssorrowfulexistence,butIhaven'tabean.And,whatismore,thingshavecometosuchapassthatIscanthehorizonwithoutseeingasinglesoulIcantouch.IsupposeIcouldget

intoReggievanTuyl'sribsforabit,but--Idon'tknow--touchingpooroldReggiealwaysseemstomeratherlikepottingapittingbird."

"Ofcourse,Idon'twantyoutodoanythinglikethat.Iwasthinking--Archie,darling,wouldyoubeveryhurtifIgavefatherthepicture?"

"Oh,Isay!"

"Well,Ican'tthinkofanythingelse."

"Butwouldn'tyoumissitmostfrightfully?"

"Oh,ofcourseIshould.Butyousee--father'sbirthday--"

ArchiehadalwaysthoughtLucillethedearestandmostunselfishangelintheworld,butneverhadthefactcomehometohimsoforciblyasnow.Hekissedherfondly.

"ByJove!"heexclaimed."Youreallyare,youknow!ThisisthebiggestthingsincejollyoldSirPhilipWhat's-his-namegavethedrinkofwatertothepoorblighterwhoseneedwasgreaterthanhis,ifyourecalltheincident.Ihadtosweatitupatschool,Iremember.SirPhilip,pooroldbean,hadamostghastlythirston,andhewasjustgoingtohaveoneonthehouse,sotospeak,when...butit'sallinthehistory-books.ThisisthesortofthingBoyScoutsdo!Well,ofcourse,

it'suptoyou,queenofmysoul.Ifyoufeellikemakingthesacrifice,right-o!ShallIbringthepateruphereandshowhimthepicture?"

"No,Ishouldn'tdothat.Doyouthinkyoucouldgetintohissuiteto-morrowmorningandhangitupsomewhere?Yousee,ifhehadthechanceof--whatImeanis,if--yes,Ithinkitwouldbebesttohangitupandlethimdiscoveritthere."

"Itwouldgivehimasurprise,youmean,what?"



"Yes."

Lucillesighedinaudibly.Shewasagirlwithaconscience,andthatconsciencewastroublingheralittle.SheagreedwithArchiethatthediscoveryoftheWigmoreVenusinhisartisticallyfurnishedsuitewouldgiveMr.Brewsterasurprise.Surprise,indeed,wasperhapsaninadequateword.Shewassorryforherfather,buttheinstinctofself-preservationisstrongerthananyotheremotion.

Archiewhistledmerrilyonthefollowingmorningas,havingdrivenanailintohisfather-in-law'swallpaper,headjustedthecordfromwhichtheWigmoreVenuswassuspended.Hewasakind-heartedyoungman,and,thoughMr.DanielBrewsterhadonmanyoccasionstreatedhimwithagooddealofausterity,hissimplesoulwaspleasedatthethoughtofdoinghimagoodturn,Hehadjustcompletedhisworkandwassteppingcautiouslydown,whenavoicebehindhimnearlycausedhimtooverbalance.

"Whatthedevil?"

Archieturnedbeamingly.

"Hullo,oldthing!Manyhappyreturnsoftheday!"

Mr.Brewsterwasstandinginafrozenattitude.Hisstrongfacewasslightlyflushed.

"What--what--?"hegurgled.

Mr.Brewsterwasnotinoneofhissunniestmoodsthatmorning.Theproprietorofalargehotelhasmanythingstodisturbhim,andto-daythingshadbeengoingwrong.Hehadcomeuptohissuitewiththeideaofrestoringhisshakennervesystemwithaquietcigar,andthesightofhisson-in-lawhad,assofrequentlyhappened,madehimfeelworsethanever.But,whenArchiehaddescendedfromthechairandmovedasidetoallowhimanuninterruptedviewofthepicture,Mr.Brewsterrealisedthataworsethinghadbefallenhimthanamerevisitfromonewho

alwaysmadehimfeelthattheworldwasableakplace.

HestaredattheVenusdumbly.Unlikemosthotel-proprietors,DanielBrewsterwasaconnoisseurofArt.Connoisseuringwas,infact,hishobby.EventhepublicroomsoftheCosmopolisweredecoratedwithtaste,andhisownprivatesuitewasashrineofallthatwasbestandmostartistic.Histasteswerequietandrestrained,anditisnottoomuchtosaythattheWigmoreVenushithimbehindtheearlikeastuffedeel-skin.

Sogreatwastheshockthatforsomemomentsitkepthimsilent,andbeforehecouldrecoverspeechArchiehadexplained.

"It'sabirthdaypresentfromLucille,don'tyouknow."

Mr.Brewstercrusheddownthebreezyspeechhehadintendedtoutter.

"Lucillegaveme--that?"hemuttered.

Heswallowedpathetically.Hewassuffering,buttheironcourageoftheBrewstersstoodhimingoodstead.Thismanwasnoweakling.Presentlytherigidityofhisfacerelaxed.Hewashimselfagain.Ofallthingsintheworldhelovedhisdaughtermost,andif,inwhoevermoodof



temporaryinsanity,shehadbroughtherselftosupposethatthisbeastlydaubwasthesortofthinghewouldlikeforabirthdaypresent,hemustacceptthesituationlikeaman.HewouldonthewholehavepreferreddeathtoalifelivedinthesocietyoftheWigmoreVenus,buteventhattormentmustbeenduredifthealternativewasthehurtingofLucille'sfeelings.

"IthinkI'vechosenaprettylikelyspottohangthething,what?"saidArchiecheerfully."ItlookswellalongsidethoseJapaneseprints,don'tyouthink?Sortofstandsout."

Mr.Brewsterlickedhisdrylipsandgrinnedaghastlygrin.

"Itdoesstandout!"heagreed.

CHAPTERXXVI.ATALEOFAGRANDFATHER

Archiewasnotamanwhoreadilyallowedhimselftobecomeworried,especiallyaboutpeoplewhowerenotinhisownimmediatecircleoffriends,butinthecourseofthenextweekhewasboundtoadmitthat

hewasnotaltogethereasyinhismindabouthisfather-in-law'smentalcondition.HehadreadallsortsofthingsintheSundaypapersandelsewhereabouttheconstantstraintowhichcaptainsofindustryaresubjected,astrainwhichsoonerorlaterisonlytooapttomakethevictimgoallblooey,anditseemedtohimthatMr.Brewsterwasbeginningtofindthegoingatrifletootoughforhisstamina.Undeniablyhewasbehavinginanoddmanner,andArchie,thoughnophysician,wasawarethat,whentheAmericanbusiness-man,thatrestless,ever-activehumanmachine,startsbehavinginanoddmanner,thenextthingyouknowisthattwostrongmen,oneattachedtoeacharm,arehurryinghimintothecabboundforBloomingdale.

HedidnotconfidehismisgivingstoLucille,notwishingtocauseher

anxiety.HehuntedupReggievanTuylattheclub,andsoughtadvicefromhim.

"Isay,Reggie,oldthing--presentcompanyexcepted--havetherebeenanylooniesinyourfamily?"

Reggiestirredintheslumberwhichalwaysgrippedhimintheearlyafternoon.

"Loonies?"hemumbled,sleepily."Rather!MyuncleEdgarthoughthewastwins."

"Twins,eh?"

"Yes.Sillyidea!Imean,you'dhavethoughtoneofmyuncleEdgarwouldhavebeenenoughforanyman."

"Howdidthethingstart?"askedArchie.

"Start?Well,thefirstthingwenoticedwaswhenhebeganwantingtwoofeverything.Hadtosettwoplacesforhimatdinnerandsoon.Alwayswantedtwoseatsatthetheatre.Ranintomoney,Icantellyou."



"Hedidn'tbehaverummilyuptillthen?Imeantosay,wasn'tsortofjumpyandallthat?"

"NotthatIremember.Why?"

Archie'stonebecamegrave.

"Well,I'lltellyou,oldman,thoughIdon'twantittogoanyfarther,thatI'mabitworriedaboutmyjollyoldfather-in-law.Ibelievehe'sabouttogoinoffthedeep-end.Ithinkhe'scrackingunderthestrain.Dashedweirdhisbehaviourhasbeenthelastfewdays."

"Suchas?"murmuredMr.vanTuyl.

"Well,theothermorningIhappenedtobeinhissuite--incidentallyhewouldn'tgoabovetendollars,andIwantedtwenty-five-andhesuddenlypickedupawhackingbigpaper-weightandbungeditforallhewasworth."

"Atyou?"

"Notatme.Thatwastherummypartofit.Atamosquitoonthewall,hesaid.Well,Imeantosay,dochappiesbungpaper-weightsatmosquitoes?Imean,isitdone?"

"Smashanything?"

"Curiouslyenough,no.ButheonlyjustmissedaratherdecentpicturewhichLucillehadgivenhimforhisbirthday.Anotherfoottotheleftanditwouldhavebeenagoner."

"Soundsqueer."

"And,talkingofthatpicture,Ilookedinonhimaboutacoupleofafternoonslater,andhe'dtakenitdownfromthewallandlaiditonthefloorandwasstaringatitinadashedmarkedsortofmanner.Thatwaspeculiar,what?"

"Onthefloor?"

"Onthejollyoldcarpet.WhenIcamein,hewasgogglingatitinasortofglassyway.Absolutelyrapt,don'tyouknow.Mycomingingavehimastart--seemedtorousehimfromakindoftrance,youknow--andhejumpedlikeanantelope;and,ifIhadn'thappenedtograbhim,hewouldhavetrampledbangonthething.Itwasdeucedunpleasant,youknow.Hismannerwasrummy.Heseemedtobebroodingonsomething.WhatoughtItodoaboutit,doyouthink?It'snotmyaffair,ofcourse,butitseamstomethat,ifhegoesonlikethis,oneofthesedayshe'llbestabbing,someonewithapickle-fork."

ToArchie'srelief,hisfather-in-law'ssymptomsshowednosignsofdevelopment.Infact,hismannerrevertedtothenormaloncemore,andafewdayslater,meetingArchieinthelobbyofthehotel,heseemedquitecheerful.Itwasnotoftenthathewastedhistimetalkingtohisson-in-law,butonthisoccasionhechattedwithhimforseveralminutesaboutthebigpicture-robberywhichhadformedthechiefitemofnewsonthefrontpagesofthemorningpapersthatday.ItwasMr.Brewster'sopinionthattheoutragehadbeentheworkofagangandthatnobodywassafe.



DanielBrewsterhadspokenofthismatterwithstrangeearnestness,buthiswordshadslippedfromArchie'smindwhenhemadehiswaythatnighttohisfather-in-law'ssuite.Archiewasinanexaltedmood.Inthecourseofdinnerhehadhadabitofgoodnewswhichwasoccupyinghisthoughtstotheexclusionofallothermatters.Ithadlefthiminacomfortable,ifratherdizzy,conditionofbenevolencetoallcreatedthings.Hehadsmiledattheroom-clerkashecrossedthelobby,andifhehadhadadollar,hewouldhavegivenittotheboywhotookhimupintheelevator.

HefoundthedooroftheBrewstersuiteunlockedwhichatanyothertimewouldhavestruckhimasunusual;butto-nighthewasinnoframeofmindtonoticethesetrivialities.Hewentin,and,findingtheroomdarkandnooneathome,satdown,tooabsorbedinhisthoughtstoswitchonthelights,andgavehimselfuptodreamymeditation.

Therearecertainmoodsinwhichonelosescountoftime,andArchiecouldnothavesaidhowlonghehadbeensittinginthedeeparm-chairnearthewindowwhenhefirstbecameawarethathewasnotaloneintheroom.Hehadclosedhiseyes,thebettertomeditate,sohadnotseenanyoneenter.Norhadheheardthedooropen.Thefirstintimationhehadthatsomebodyhadcomeinwaswhensomehardsubstanceknockedagainstsomeotherhardobject,producingasharpsoundwhichbroughthimbacktoearthwithajerk.

Hesatupsilently.Thefactthattheroomwasstillindarknessmadeitobviousthatsomethingnefariouswasafoot.Plainlytherewasdirtyworkinpreparationatthecross-roads.Hestaredintotheblackness,and,ashiseyesgrewaccustomedtoit,waspresentlyabletoseeanindistinctformbendingoversomethingonthefloor.Thesoundofratherstertorousbreathingcametohim.

Archiehadmanydefectswhichpreventedhimbeingtheperfectman,butlackofcouragewasnotoneofthem.HissomewhatrudimentaryintelligencehadoccasionallyledhissuperiorofficersduringthewartothankGodthatGreatBritainhadaNavy,buteventhesesterncriticshadfoundnothingtocomplainofinthemannerinwhichheboundedover

thetop.Someofusarethinkers,othersmenofaction.Archiewasamanofaction,andhewasoutofhischairandsailinginthedirectionofthebackoftheintruder'sneckbeforeawisermanwouldhavecompletedhisplanofcampaign.Themiscreantcollapsedunderhimwithasquashysound,likethewindgoingoutofapairofbellows,andArchie,takingafirmseatonhisspine,rubbedtheother'sfaceinthecarpetandawaitedtheprogressofevents.

Attheendofhalfaminuteitbecameapparentthattherewasgoingtobenocounter-attack.Thedashingswiftnessoftheassaulthadapparentlyhadtheeffectofdeprivingthemarauderofhisentirestockofbreath.Hewasgurglingtohimselfinapainedsortofwayandmakingnoefforttorise.Archie,feelingthatitwouldbesafetogetup

andswitchonthelight,didso,and,turningaftercompletingthismanoeuvre,wasgreetedbythespectacleofhisfather-in-law,seatedonthefloorinabreathlessanddishevelledcondition,blinkingatthesuddenillumination.OnthecarpetbesideMr.Brewsterlayalongknife,andbesidetheknifelaythehandsomelyframedmasterpieceofJ.B.Wheeler'sfiancee,MissAliceWigmore.Archiestaredatthiscollectiondumbly.

"Oh,what-ho!"heobservedatlength,feebly.



AdistinctchillmanifesteditselfintheregionofArchie'sspine.Thiscouldmeanonlyonething.Hisfearshadbeenrealised.Thestrainofmodernlife,withallitshustleandexcitement,hadatlastprovedtoomuchforMr.Brewster.Crushedbythethousandandoneanxietiesandworriesofamillionaire'sexistence,DanielBrewsterhadgoneoffhisonion.

Archiewasnonplussed.Thiswashisfirstexperienceofthiskindofthing.What,heaskedhimself,wastheproperprocedureinasituationofthissort?Whatwasthelocalrule?Where,inaword,didhegofromhere?Hewasstillmusinginanembarrassedandbaffledway,havingtakentheprecautionofkickingtheknifeunderthesofa,whenMr.Brewsterspoke.Andtherewasin,boththewordsandthemethodoftheirdeliverysomuchofhisoldfamiliarselfthatArchiefeltquiterelieved.

"Soit'syou,isit,youwretchedblight,youmiserableweed!"saidMr.Brewster,havingrecoveredenoughbreathtobegoingonwith.Hegloweredathisson-in-lawdespondently."Imighthave,expectedit!IfIwasattheNorthPole,Icouldcountonyoubuttingin!"

"ShallIgetyouadrinkofwater?"saidArchie.

"Whatthedevil,"demandedMr.Brewster,"doyouimagineIwantwitha

drinkofwater?"

"Well--"Archiehesitateddelicately."Ihadasortofideathatyouhadbeenfeelingthestrainabit.Imeantosay,rushofmodernlifeandallthatsortofthing--"

"Whatareyoudoinginmyroom?"saidMr.Brewster,changingthesubject.

"Well,Icametotellyousomething,andIcameinhereandwaswaitingforyou,andIsawsomechappiebiffingaboutinthedark,andIthoughtitwasaburglarorsomethingaftersomeofyourthings,so,thinkingitover,Igottheideathatitwouldbeafairlyjuicyschemetolandon

himwithbothfeet.Noideaitwasyou,oldthing!Frightfullysorryandallthat.Meantwell!"

Mr.Brewstersigheddeeply.Hewasajustman,andhecouldnotbutrealisethat,inthecircumstances,Archiehadbehavednotunnaturally.

"Oh,well!"hesaid."Imighthaveknownsomethingwouldgowrong."

"Awfullysorry!"

"Itcan'tbehelped.Whatwasityouwantedtotellme?"Heeyedhisson-in-lawpiercingly."Notacentovertwentydollars!"hesaidcoldly.

Archiehastenedtodispelthepardonableerror.

"Oh,itwasn'tanythinglikethat,"hesaid."Asamatteroffact,Ithinkit'sagoodegg.Ithasbuckedmeuptonoinconsiderabledegree.IwasdiningwithLucillejustnow,and,aswedalliedwiththefood-stuffs,shetoldmesomethingwhich--well,I'mboundtosay,itmademefeelconsiderablybraced.Shetoldmetotrotalongandaskyouifyouwouldmind--"

"IgaveLucilleahundreddollarsonlylastTuesday."



Archiewaspained.

"Adjustthissordidoutlook,oldthing!"heurged."Yousimplyaren'tanywherenearit.Rightoffthetarget,absolutely!WhatLucilletoldmetoaskyouwasifyouwouldmind--atsometolerablyneardate--beingagrandfather!Rottenthingtobe,ofcourse,"proceededArchiecommiseratingly,"forachappieofyourage,butthereitis!"

Mr.Brewstergulped.

"Doyoumeantosay--?"

"Imean,apttomakeafellowfeelabitofapatriarch.Snowyhairandwhatnot.And,ofcourse,forachappieintheprimeoflifelikeyou--"

"Doyoumeantotellme--?Isthistrue?"

"Absolutely!Ofcourse,speakingformyself,I'mallforit.Idon'tknowwhenI'vefeltmorebucked.IsangasIcameuphere--absolutelywarbledintheelevator.Butyou--"

AcuriouschangehadcomeoverMr.Brewster.Hewasoneofthosemenwhohavetheappearanceofhavingbeenhewnoutofthesolidrock,butnow

insomeindescribablewayheseemedtohavemelted.ForamomenthegazedatArchie,then,movingquicklyforward,hegraspedhishandinanirongrip.

"ThisisthebestnewsI'veeverhad!"hemumbled.

"Awfullygoodofyoutotakeitlikethis,"saidArchiecordially."Imean,beingagrandfather--"

Mr.Brewstersmiled.Ofamanofhisappearanceonecouldhardlysaythathesmiledplayfully;buttherewassomethinginhisexpressionthatremotelysuggestedplayfulness.

"Mydearoldbean,"hesaid.

Archiestarted.

"Mydearoldbean,"repeatedMr.Brewsterfirmly,"I'mthehappiestmaninAmerica!"Hiseyefellonthepicturewhichlayonthefloor.Hegaveaslightshudder,butrecoveredhimselfimmediately."Afterthis,"hesaid,"Icanreconcilemyselftolivingwiththatthingfortherestofmylife.Ifeelitdoesn'tmatter."

"Isay,"saidArchie,"howaboutthat?Wouldn'thavebroughtthethingupifyouhadn'tintroducedthetopic,but,speakingasmantoman,whatthedickensWEREyouuptowhenIlandedonyourspinejustnow?"

"IsupposeyouthoughtIhadgoneoffmyhead?"

"Well,I'mboundtosay--"

Mr.Brewstercastanunfriendlyglanceatthepicture.

"Well,Ihadeveryexcuse,afterlivingwiththatinfernalthingforaweek!"



Archielookedathim,astonished.

"Isay,oldthing,Idon'tknowifIhavegotyourmeaningexactly,butyousomehowgivemetheimpressionthatyoudon'tlikethatjollyoldworkofArt."

"Likeit!"criedMr.Brewster."It'snearlydrivenmemad!Everytimeitcaughtmyeye,itgavemeapainintheneck.To-nightIfeltasifIcouldn'tstanditanylonger.Ididn'twanttohurtLucille'sfeelings,bytellingher,soImadeupmymindIwouldcutthedamnedthingoutofitsframeandtellherithadbeenstolen."

"Whatanextraordinarything!Why,that'sexactlywhatoldWheelerdid."

"WhoisoldWheeler?"

"Artistchappie.Palofmine.Hisfianceepaintedthething,and,whenIlifteditoffhim,hetoldherithadbeenstolen.HEdidn'tseemfrightfullykeenonit,either."

"YourfriendWheelerhasevidentlygoodtaste."

Archiewasthinking.

"Well,allthisrathergetspastme,"hesaid."Personally,I'vealwaysadmiredthething.Dashedripebitofwork,I'vealwaysconsidered.Still,ofcourse,ifyoufeelthatway--"

"YoumaytakeitfrommethatIdo!"

"Well,then,inthatcase--YouknowwhataclumsydevilIam--YoucantellLucilleitwasallmyfault--"

TheWigmoreVenussmiledupatArchie--itseemedtoArchiewithapathetic,pleadingsmile.Foramomenthewasconsciousofafeelingofguilt;then,closinghiseyesandhardeninghisheart,hespranglightlyintheairanddescendedwithbothfeetonthepicture.Therewasa

soundofrendingcanvas,andtheVenusceasedtosmile.

"Golly!"saidArchie,regardingthewreckageremorsefully.

Mr.Brewsterdidnotsharehisremorse.Forthesecondtimethatnighthegrippedhimbythehand.

"Myboy!"hequavered.HestaredatArchieasifhewereseeinghimwithneweyes."Mydearboy,youwerethroughthewar,wereyounot?"

"Eh?Ohyes!Rightthroughthejollyoldwar."

"Whatwasyourrank?"

"Oh,secondlieutenant."

"Yououghttohavebeenageneral!"Mr.Brewsterclaspedhishandoncemoreinavigorousembrace."Ionlyhope,"headded"thatyoursonwillbelikeyou!"

Therearecertaincompliments,orcomplimentscomingfromcertainsources,beforewhichmodestyreels,stunned.Archie'sdid.



Heswallowedconvulsively.HehadneverthoughttohearthesewordsfromDanielBrewster.

"Howwoulditbe,oldthing,"hesaidalmostbrokenly,"ifyouandItrickleddowntothebarandhadaspotofsherbet?"

THEEND

The Indiscretions of Archie By P. G. Wodehouse

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Transcript of The Indiscretions of Archie By P. G. Wodehouse