The Immutable Laws of High Impact Communication...
Transcript of The Immutable Laws of High Impact Communication...
The Immutable Laws of
High Impact Communication
2013
Warning
Counter-intuitive
Unnatural
Goals for Successful
Communication
1. Skill of Connecting
2. Value of Clear Intent
3. Self Control
4. Reframing
5. What to do when you’re losing it
6. The value of acting “a little dumb”
To Communicate
You can connect
(in seconds)
Connecting – 2 steps
Step1:
• Make a good first impression (10-25 sec)
• Reveal your intent (30 seconds max)
Step 2:
• Empathetic listening (1-2 minutes)
First Impressions
First impressions answer 3 questions:
1. Can I trust you?
2. Are you committed?
3. Do you care about me?
Lou Holtz
First Impressions
First impressions answer 3 questions:
1. Can I trust you?
2. Are you committed?
3. Do you care about me?
Lou Holtz
Can I trust you?
• Promotes communication
• Reduces resistance
• Defensiveness
• Efficient
Trust
Heard
Influence
First Impressions
• How you look (55%)
• Your tone (38%)
• Then, what you say (7%)
Albert Mehrabian (UCLA)-
research dating to 1970
How you look (Visual 55%)
• Eyes (3-5 seconds)
• Smile (say 3)
• The hand shake or equivalent
• Posture
How you sound (Tone 38%)
• Lower is better
• Lower speed
• Lower volume
• Correcting your voice quickly
• Breathe sloooooowly
• Posture
To Connect Content (7%)
• Hello, good morning, good to see you
• State your name – why
• Tell them what you do
• Their names – why
• “Please”
• “Thank you”
To Connect (Content 7%)
• State your intent
• Clear intent less resistance
• Be explicit
• Be obvious (transparency)
Empathetic Listening – A Process
1. Echo
2. Paraphrase
3. Identify the feeling
4. Validate the feeling
5. (Rare step: acting a bit dumb)
Echo (you heard it)
• “I have been here nine hours”
• Answer
• “You have been here nine hours”
• Gentle tone, concerned expression
Paraphrase (you got it)
• “ That nasty b…. yelled at me at the end of
my 12 hour shift and took my pen and
chair”
• Response
• “It sounds as if you were treated in an
inconsiderate manner”
• “Yea exactly, that’s what I’m saying.”
Identify The Feeling (you got the
emotional message)
• “They can’t do my ultrasound … are you
kidding … it’s been 3 hours”
• Response
• “You have every right to be angry”
• “ I’m not upset … I’m angry”
• “You’re angry … I can see why you feel
that way”
Validate The Feeling
• “You bet I’m upset …. I’m really mad.”
(very close to tears)
• Answer
• “I can see why you feel that way”
Validate The Feeling
• “I can see why you feel that way”
• “I can see why you feel that way”
• “I can see why you feel that way”
Counter-intuitive
Unnatural
Decent and fair
Very Effective
Empathetic Listening
• Helpful 80% of the time
• Echo, paraphrase, feeling, validate
• May require repetition
• If really bad?
• If verbally attacked?
act a little dumb
How To Act A Little Dumb
“Don’t give me that empathetic crap, that
non-verbal b.s.-- I took that same crappy
course you did -- you don’t give a damn
(or s..t)”
• Answer pause 3+ seconds
• “Pardon?”
• “I don’t know what you mean”
• “Help me understand what you mean”
Life-saving techniques
do work posture, breathing, voice control
self talk, incantations
the pain scale
Self Control Physiology
• Breath slowly, shoulders up
• Talk more quietly than usual
• Self talk chanting and incantations
• “I’m alive, I’m alert, I feel good” 20 X’s
• “If it is to be, it is up to me” 20 X’s
• “People need love the most when they deserve it the least”
• 3, 3, 3
Self Control Use Self Talk
• This person is a “fool” - OK
• I have handled this before
• An interesting test (for me)
• Very interesting – 3rd person
• I am a movie star
• “What would Himmel do?”
Life-saving technique
for total disaster: total silence
calm expression
eye contact
listen
take a break
Self Control - Use the Pain Scale
Review your PAIN scale (1-100): context
1: an URTI
10: bad migraine and diarrhea (30 bm’s in 4 hrs)
30: broken ankle
50: complaint to College + diarrhoea (30 bm’s)
70: got fired or divorced
90: got fired + divorced, lost job, broke, and
diarrhoea
99: death of loved one
If Seriously Threatened
• Get help
• Get a colleague
• Get security
• (sociopaths, narcissists, drugged people,
totally out of control)
Reframe to Cope and
Communicate
• Not: winner, loser
• Not: malicious obedience
• Reframing changing the game
Reframe the Game
• Patient refuses to stay for EKG
• Parent give you guilt
• Getting your child to eat dinner
• Tardiness
• Holiday call schedule
• Consultant refuses to come
• Uncooperative physician
Reframe To Persuade
• Use their name
• “What is your goal”
• “What is your major concern?”
• “What’s most important to you?”
• “How will that help”
• “Why not …
• “What if …
How to Reframe
• “What I think you are saying is …”
• “Please correct me if I am wrong. What ..”
• “What would you suggest?”
• “What is your advice to me?”
• “What would you do in my shoes?”
• “Where do you want this to go”
• “I need you to …”
Reframe a Personal Attack
• “Your are not very competent, are you?”
• “Don’t you get it”
• Reframe (Dumb + brilliant)
1.“I can see this is important to you”
2.“You must have a good reason for feeling
so strongly”
Reframe to Persuade
Label and state positive expectation
“I know there is still good in you.
There’s good in you, I can sense it”
Take An Action
• Make an offer
• ED:
• Let me see when the next bed is available
• Let’s try
• Check the computer
• Get a sling or ice pack
• “May I make a suggestion?
• Thank
Summary
You under attack
1. Get emotional control
(preparation, self-talk)
2. Help people get control
(first impressions, empathetic listening)
3. Reframe with questions and actions
4. We have to help each other
Trust Is Not Just Technique
• Trust in 30 seconds first impressions
• Trust that lasts integrity consistency your name
who you are
The ED Challenge
• On stage
• 24/7
• No down time
• Multi-tasking
• 1000s of lines
• Public speaker
• Performer
• Negotiator
Proof?
To Be Happy
Master The Skill of
Communication