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Lent Edition

The Goat Post

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Editors’ Welcome -

Welcome! Finally, after six seven eight

weeks of term, THE GOAT POST is

here. We’ve spent Lent pursuing articles,

pictures and contributions from Fitz’s stu-

dents (Laura has, anyway) and have collat-

ed them into one booklet which is the

perfect size and density for resting your

Panini on. The Goat Post is also a key

ingredient in the manufacture of recycled

paper and recycled humour. In these

pages, we bring you;

Exclusive interviews with college

celebrities,

Poetry, writing and art from Fitz students,

Lovingly presented recollections of this year’s events,

Features (All compliant with JMA standards)

Rowing.

We hope you enjoy the magazine,

especially the formatting. When Laura

let Alex edit things, he decided margins

and legible text were things only lesser

editors bothered themselves with. If

you are concerned that we have

cropped your face in half, do let us

know

But really, we do hope you enjoy it.

Billy love,

Editors Laura Pugh and Alex Jackman

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Lent Edition

Photo Review - Fitz Ski 2013 Photos by Jennie Leggat

“Anyone looking for a good

time should definitely get

involved with Fitz Ski

2014...who knows what will

happen?”

Alice Watson

“Thankfully the weather held all week, we avoided serious injury and everybody had a great time. Thanks to Caitlin and Kiran for organising

Alex Houlding

The Goat Post

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After the #dench success of Fitz Winter Ball last term, Laura Pugh

secured an exclusive interview with Head of the Ball

Committee, SIMON JOHNSON

What made you decide upon the magical theme of ‘Narnia’?

Because Fitz reminds me so much of a Winter Wonderland we thought it would

be really easy to decorate…. Seriously? It was a combination of the snowy weather

we had last year (and nearly had this year) which ruled out any summer-y theme

and the fact that Narnia, as a childhood favourite, was a theme that most people

could associate with and would enjoy. Not too obscure.

When did the set-up for the Ball begin?

The legal and financial planning began back in January 2012. The actual physical cre-

ation of decorations began slowly behind the scenes at the start of Michaelmas and

we actually started putting stuff up on B-6. (In my code, B-Day was Ball Day, hence

B-6 was six days before the start of the Ball, i.e. The Friday before). It was all done

by B+4.

What was the biggest challenge you had to overcome?

We had quite a lot of them! The conversion of the auditorium into a proper stage

was a fun one – and one that worked well, I think. The use of the Grove was an-

other. A tedious amount of College authorities had to agree to that.

Were there any last minute panics?

The Big Wheel. It was lovely and spectacular, a masterpiece etc., etc., etc. But for

me it was hell. About 10 hours before the Ball, it began to sink slowly into the

lawn. Given how sensitive the college (rightly) is about the state of the lawn, this

was a true low point. At that moment, there is a photograph of me breaking down

in tears in front of the wheel. Sad times.

5 -

Lent Edition How many people did it take to convert Fitzwilliam College to the

world of Narnia?

About 20 committee members worked for a solid week on it – with apologies to

our supervisors. We also had an amazing amount of help from the College staff.

The Maintenance, Gardening and Porter teams all spent hours and hours on the

Ball in the week before and days after. They get no extra pay for the hours they

put into it so they are doing it for the love of a good Ball. Thanks guys!

Where did all the props and scenery come from?

The multitude of paper snowflakes must have taken a while!

Most of the props (in fact almost all) were made by two people: Rachel Aldridge

and Tobi Haefele who scoured their cupboards, parents’ cupboards and charity

shops. Almost nothing at all was hired. The idea [for the snowflakes] came from

Rachel and then we had a Committee pizza session where we all sat down and

churned out hundreds of the things. Fun times!

Got any Fitz ball / ball committee stories to share?

Apart from me breaking down in tears in front of a fairground attraction? Well…

I have a lot of painful stories about meeting with College and arguing about minor

problems (the precise amount of vomit which was required for us to pay the

vomit-excess to the cleaners was a particular low point in this vein). However,

what sticks out was the genuinely wonderful team of people I had doing the Ball

with me. After many months of meetings and pedantic emails from me, they all

came together and worked so hard in the weeks before the Ball to pull off some-

thing special. When I look back on the Ball, my key memory is all the time which

the Committee spent behind the scenes on pretty thankless jobs to make it all

happen. That’s the best Fitz-story for me.

How did the ball committee celebrate the success of the ball?

Sleep! Then alcohol. Far too much alcohol… And then, just in case we haven’t

had enough alcohol, we plan to have a dinner at the start of next term. But this

time (and unlike for the Ball) I will be choosing the wine…

The Goat Post

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The Winter Ball Team

Tom Dalton on decorations...

Photos by Rachel Aldridge

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Lent Edition

The Big Wheel arrives!

Critical supplies

L AD —>

The Goat Post

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Over the Christmas holidays, Fitz

student Chris Wilson posted a

cover of Nicky Romero song “I

Could Be The One”, which the DJ

shared with hundreds of thousands

of followers. Laura invited Chris for

a chat about his encounter with

internet stardom:

Hello Chris! When did you

start taking an interest in

music? When I was younger I

went through a phase of copying

everything my older brother did. When he started playing the piano, I did the

same, aged 6, which is probably when things started for me.

When did you realise Nicky had posted it online? I checked the progress

of my video the day after posting it, noticing there were many more comments

than usual. The top comment said 'Nicky Romero sent me here', and I soon real-

ized he had posted my video on his Twitter and Facebook pages to all his fans!

Did you have any contact with the main man himself? Nicky messaged

me saying if I produced a full length version he'd make it available as a free down-

load for his fans on Christmas Day. I had two days to do it, and made a basic mis-

take early on in the recording process which meant that I had to stay up all night

on Christmas Eve to get it done!

Did it make or ruin your Christmas morning having stayed up all

night!? I didn't mind at all, quite the opposite, although my mum's plans for

Christmas Day went out the window and I don't think I was particularly good

company sat dozing in the corner. I think my family knew it meant a lot to me

though, and when I saw Nicky post the second longer version on his fan pages, it

was all very much worthwhile.

So is a future collaboration between the two of you on the cards? Well

I don't know about that but when I went to see him live at Ministry he invited

me backstage which was very kind of him. It was amazing that he even recog-

nized me, so I hope that means we might stay in contact!!!

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Lent Edition

>>> Alex Jackman emails JAMES McAULAY, creator of WhichMay-

Ball.co.uk. (Attempts to lure the interviewee from his room using

b33r.sys and RUN>social_interaction.exe were unsuccessful. )

> Hi James, plug your product. What is WMB and

why is it so brilliant?

: Hailed by many as the solution to all of your

FirstWorldProblems, WhichMayBall is a glorified

spread sheet containing details for every May

Ball and June Event during May Week, maintained

by yours truly. Users even have the option to

sort events alphabetically. It's pretty cutting

-edge stuff.

> WhichMayBall has already been shamelessly

ripped off – do you have a message for competi-

tors?

:I'm flattered. And your jQuery code is riddled with errors. Awk-

ward.

> How do you balance the website with punt minstrelsy, rowing, JMA

Vice-Presidency, {29 items removed to limit keenness} and general

BNOCage?

:I drink a lot of coffee, don't sleep very much, and take great

pride in the colour-coded masterpiece that is my Google Calendar.

Currently, the maintenance of the website simply involves updating

my information as and when the Ball Committees release it, which on-

ly takes 10 to 15 minutes each day, so my rock & roll CompSci life-

style isn't really hampered.

> On a more serious note, does a Cambridge degree restrict your cre-

ativity in other ventures?

There's definitely scope for entrepreneurship in Cambridge! In my

case, I'm studying a very theoretical degree course, and one which I

don't actually think has been particularly helpful when creating

WhichMayBall,

I recently interviewed for an internship in Cambridge this Summer

with interviewers who were extremely interested in WhichMayBall, and

who asked me about it during both the first and second interview

stages. Being able to say you've created a website or an app from

scratch looks great on your CV, and can really help you stand out

from the crowd.

Tl;DR

I may be paranoid, but I'm no android

zOMG!!!!1!!!

D3LE7ED MA WEB-

SITE! LOL n00b!

The Goat Post

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Lent Edition

By Jemima Moore

The Goat Post

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100 Years After The Old Vicarage, Grantchester

After Rupert Brooks

In Cambridge county, south of town,

a timeless place, a gilded crown, where

rooks were blown against a sky unframed,

unpierced by limestone spires, unmaimed;

the air soft-brushed by willow fronds,

and perfumed by the rotten ponds.

A sacredness existed there,

when, haloed in a blossom-air,

the scholars left their books and ink,

to walk awhile, to breathe, to think.

Eternal river, holy land,

immortalised by Rupert's hand.

But sweet? and cool? Now foul! now brown!

Polluted by the heavy town;

the never-ending pilgrim stream;

the groves of Germans on the green.

There is still honey, and still tea:

a thriving orchard industry!

Now, with your subsequent renown,

one might as well be back in town!

With a century's elapse,

a wilderness is lost, perhaps:

your rustic love, a world away,

from Grantchester, today.

Elizabeth Perkins

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Lent Edition

ELLIE DAVIS is thrown

into a world of intrigue

& tradition, while criti-

cally assessing what

the royal heir has in

the way of “chat”.

When I was asked by

the senior tutor to

miss my lectures on

the last day of term for

a 'university event', I

was a bit suspicious as

to exactly what was in store for me. A few weeks later, I was handed an invitation to

a reception with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on their maiden visit to the

city.

After cycling past the security to get to lectures in black tie and negotiating an an-

gry man cycling down the pavement, I followed the stream of gowns through Kings

and beyond - into a marquee by the Senate House. We were quickly swept into a

reception of mulled wine, canapés, and an atmosphere filled with a certain nervous

tension. Upon their arrival, an inevitable silence fell over the tent . Each college was

given a place to stand upon a red carpet laid in a circle, around which the royals

processed.

When the Duke finally got to us, I think the morning's engagements had worn him

down, and whilst he looks taller in real life, he is equally as bald as his appearances

in the news. The conversation itself was a bit stilted and centred on how hard Cam-

bridge must be. Not the most original topic. Once he had passed, we rushed the

other side of the carpet to catch a glimpse of the Duchess, who was definitely a

bigger attraction and also, unknown to us at the time, pregnant. Halfway through

the proceedings, the Chancellor gave a speech bigging up Cambridge, followed by

the Duke, who couldn't resist a dig at his brother, saying the nearest Harry had

come to uni was a few nights' stay in Trinity some years ago.

And then they left, almost as suddenly as they had arrived. After time for one more

canapé on the way out, we headed back to normality, having been topped up with

good food as well as having something to write home about….

Illustration by Dawn Lisette Kanter

The Goat Post

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“Two please”, said the woman, her eyes not meeting those of the waiter.

Slender-framed, she clutched her handbag, knuckles yellowing slightly at the strain.

Her face, older now, remained but a dull echo of her former looks. Cheekbones still

so prominent fought against those hollow shadows, the lines forming across her tem-

ple, around her lips. She was no longer beautiful. Time and disappointment had re-

duced her singular charms to an elegance, her presence seeping the composure of

glassy lake water. The woman’s companion stood at her side, his dark hair marked

with smudges of grey, his suit tailored to conceal the bulge born from golf-carts and

claret. Their bodies did not touch. His glance meandered disinterestedly around the

room, the marble table-tops, the diners, the rain-streaked windows, the sheeny black

floor tiles. He lifted his arm to reveal his watch, quickly calculating how long until

he’d be back at his desk.

“Certainly Madam, by the window or in the

centre?”

“The window”, said the woman.

“The centre”, said the man.

The waiter fumbled about with menus. The

woman flashed a look at her husband. The

couple were seated by the window.

“I think I’ll have the sea bass”, said the man,

the menu unopened in front of him. The wom-

an watched a tree shimmer on the pavement outside, pale pink blossom dancing in

the damp breeze. Beneath its branches a girl stepped out of a taxi, her dress billowing

into a mushroom of cream silk as she ducked from the raindrops and laughed at her

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Lent Edition

date’s struggle with an unruly umbrella. The woman in the restaurant’s eyes glazed

over. The man stared at a painting on the wall, pretending to understand the

splattered canvas, a smeary palate of sea and sky. A hazy stirring brought to him that

flicker in her blue-grey eyes he had noticed at their very first meeting, and he, sur-

prised at its sudden reappearance, uncharacteristically gave way to the memory;

New Year’s Eve, 1990, her red smile sweeping over, champagne flute in hand and -

The waiter arrived, and the woman ordered the sea bass. The man looked up, his

expression shifting slightly to that of faint amusement, the lantern held up so tenta-

tively to the recesses of the past instantly extinguished. “Crab linguine” he said, and

both his wry smile and the waiter disappeared.

“I’m sorry I’ve been back so late again this week”, the man said to the painting. The

woman moved her wine glass so its base matched the rim of condensation on the

table. Her response quivered in the air, a swelling droplet threatening to fall. But the

unspeakable remained unspoken. Instead, she mentioned Myla’s ballet recital, that

evening in the school hall at seven. They both pretended he had remembered. When

their food arrived the man ate to stifle the feeling in his stomach that he was too

proud to call guilt. The woman ate to prove she did actually like sea bass. She won-

dered if everyone’s lives were this clichéd. She hoped not.

The man’s fork screeched as it came into contact with the plate’s bottom. He cleared

his throat, “Charlotte, you know...I...” The woman’s eyes hardened, daring him to

continue. His toes clenched in his shoes. He felt diminished under her stare. “I like

that painting a lot”, he finished feebly, indicating behind her head. She did not turn

round. He watched her cut her fish into small pieces, and cutting the pieces again.

She hates sea bass, he thought. She pushed her plate away. I hate sea bass, she thought.

The waiter came and enquired about their meal. “Delicious”, she replied and he col-

lected the plates, hers barely touched.

The Goat Post

16 -

Charlotte looked out of the window, wondering resignedly, almost dispassion-

ately, about the other woman. She, unknowingly wishing to fictionalise her

reality, half-hoped for a chirpy blonde in a tight pencil skirt, blouse stretched

across the bust; a caricature that could make her situation laughable, ridicu-

lous. “Is she pretty?” she thought out loud. And there was a second where she

was sure she hadn’t said it. And another second, and suddenly it was too long

ago for her to have said it. Yet it hung between them, an invisible barrier, a

sheet of black ice and still she couldn’t believe she had said it. Her lips, notice-

able only to the most minute observer, tightened, as if to stop anything else

escaping, unwanted. “Who?”, the man finally answered. And they both knew

who. The woman shook her head slightly. The man exhaled. The moment was

over.

Illustrations: Elizabeth Perkins

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Lent Edition

Café Haiku

One swipe of plastic

O! tuna-melt panini

Is mere fleeting bliss

Thundering stomach

What? Tuna-melt all taken?

What the eff, people!

Asks is that all dear?

O sweet, cafe-bar galore

Forever yearn more

By Marga Rine

The Goat Post

18 -

I spent Week 1 making a trailer for Jailbreak. It had pictures of mountains in it and

there was a dubstep soundtrack to show how cool I was and it made me so happy I

shared it with all of my MySpace friends.

2 weeks later, I was standing in Westfield’s

in Shepherd's Bush. It was about

minus 500, and Londoners are very

unfriendly. While I bought craft beers in

Waitrose, Jess showed off her fox onesie,

exploiting the folk of West London with

lines like ‘Donate to CHARITY. I’ll give you

a waggle of my tail’.

(CHARITY is in capitals because I heard the

word so much it is now physically etched

into my frontal lobes (ask a medic). I’ve

since refined my technique for refusing a Big

Issue : it was nicer to be smiled at and spoken to even if I was then brutally rejected

like a drunken geographer who’s just offered you a round of Super Smash Brothers.

Be game, it’s not even a euphemism.)

We were eventually moved on by a gentlemanly

security guard who declined to comment on my

tinkling carrier bag full of Innis & Gunn. The cold, lack

of donations and setting sun drove us to abandon our

bucket-shaking in favour of completing challenges; Jess

posed with a guard on Whitehall (above) and I

unisuited at St. Paul’s (right). It was reassuring that

other Jailbreakers we knew were huddled around a

hand-dryer in Dover while I slept on a futon and ate

two “posh-noodles’. I misread the label: should’ve

known you can’t fit 1000 calories into a pot

of quinoa.

The next day, Jess persevered with asking boozy QPR

fans for dolla, while I became grumpy and ate a pork

ALEX JACKMAN gives himself 2 whole pages in the magazine to tell you a tale of

adventures outside the bubble with JESS WOLINSKI

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Lent Edition

pie. After Jess’s heroic appeals secured our escape from London to Bristol, catching a

lift with Hugh, who worked for Action Against Hunger. Despite being one of the chari-

ties RAG raises money for, no-one else had called them— the second part of this essay

will thus address our interaction with real CHARITY work. Once I dismount my moral

high horse, I am planning to sell it to Lidl, packaged as moral high cow.

Action Against Hunger have recently helped launch a campaign called “Enough Food IF”

The campaign seeks to address 4 fundamental causes of hunger; insufficient aid, acquisi-

tion of land, corporate tax dodging and lack of transparency in business and govern-

ment. Please internet it and sign up, so I won’t have to send Hugh money for petrol.

We also saw something of the difficulties charities face, and the grit and goodwill of

charity workers. In a baltic Leicester Square, the only person who talked to us was a

“chugger”, who was very kind despite the disinterest of passers-by.

I also noticed that the Real World runs on money (for realsies!). I’m now tempted to

chase a job in the cross-hatching department of a major consultancy firm. After all, is

charity worth it? Is Jailbreak anything more than a holiday? WHAT’S THE POINT OF

IT ALL?! Doing Jailbreak can be an excellent way to crush your faith in humanity.

But, floating home across Bedfordshire in the warm womb of the X5, I reflected that

we’d had some experiences, met some decent people, and seen the world (to a limited

extent). In the end, (and I wish I could end on a more inspiring note, but I’ve spent my

emotions on an essay about the water cycle) helping, even in such a roundabout way as

Jailbreak, must at least be better than nothing.

The Goat Post

20 -

You may have mused, ‘Who is that figurehead of academia I see across the court/port?’. The Goat Post would like to introduce four

new Fitz fellows, and also show you why Google Image search is unre-liable

Dr Kasia Boddy is a University Lecturer in American Literature. Her teaching and research focus

primarily on American literary and cultural history.

Google image search of name returns: Some lemons

Ms Niamh Dunne is a college lec-

turer in law. She supervises Tort and EU Law for undergraduates, and lectures Competition Law for

LLM students at the Faculty of Law.

GIS: Some stylish lamps

Mrs Ailsa Hunt is Isaac Newton

Research Fellow. Her research in-cludes Greco-Roman ecological thinking and intellectual interac-

tion between Judaism, Christianity and paganism in antiquity.

GIS: Macclesfield Town striker

Wade Fairhurst

Dr Peter Webb is a writer, lecturer

and musician who specialises in research into popular and contem-porary music. He is a Lecturer in

the Department of Sociology.

GIS: Emma Stone

21 -

Lent Edition

Most of us briefly met the Master dur-

ing the confusing whirlwind of Fresh-

er’s week, when invited to his annual

desserts reception. As if the prospect of

in which order to use the cutlery

wasn’t daunting enough, I actually

sat next to him at matriculation .

With a total incomprehension of any-

thing Cambridge , I naïvely asked

him, “What is your role in college?” Thankfully, for some reason, he

considered this an “intelligent question” - he is a linguist and there-

fore, one of the Chosen Ones - and explained how he promoted Fitz, a

role which takes him around the world in search of investment.

This was not to be my last encounter with Professor Leth-

bridge. He is a veritable expert on nineteenth-century France, so it

was only natural that the other Francophiles and I should have a su-

pervision with him about Émile Zola. Never have I checked an essay

with such precision. The third years’ tales of torn paper and tears

shed didn’t inspire me with confidence; neither did the porter’s

mocking “Good luck!” when I asked to hand my work into his pidge.

I needn’t have worried. We had a very stimulating conversation

throughout which I tried to make it obvious that I had got his book

out of the library (it’s in the display case when you go in, had to

crack it open like a piñata).

Despite the fact that he did his PhD at John’s, the Master will

be most sorely missed. He pitches us into academia at matriculation,

and rewards the many hours we’ve spent working (and at Cindies)

at graduation, instilling us always with self-confidence and college

pride. Goodbye Professor Lethbridge, and from all of Fitzwilliam,

Good luck!

Professor Robert Lethbridge became

master in October 2005. This sum-

mer he will step down from his post.

Yasmin Omar reminisces...

The Goat Post

22 -

A sudden windfall is on its way to you! Bit it might not be the kind you’re

expecting. Stay open to new suggestions and you will feel the benefits.

A stranger will soon enter your life and turn it upside down. You will

find yourself rethinking things you always took as given, but know that

you’re also having a great impact on someone else’s values too.

Valentine’s day may have past, but love is on the horizon ahead for you.

Someone will show their true feelings towards you, in an unexpected way.

Decisions lie in wait for you. You will feel at cross roads but remem-

ber that choosing one option does not close the others forever.

You have felt pressured recently, but a more positive outlook will find you.

Luck is on your side and a friend will help you when you lest expect it.

You are having to balance many things and it isn't easy, but stay strong

and a talent you may not have thought could help will aid you.

Difficulties can seem to build to an impenetrable mass.

Take things slowly and following your gut feelings.

You need bravery in order to accept a new arrival into your life. Ap-

preciating the change may be difficult at first but ultimately have a posi-

tive influence on your future.

A ghost from your past will return but your situation has changed

since then. Keep an open mind but do not believe all you may hear.

You are growing steadily closer to someone you’ve known for a

long time. Have trust in them and you will find it rewarded.

Great concentration and diligence will be needed from you

in the coming weeks but your determination will win out.

Communicating more widely will lead to a discovery about

yourself. D not fear to step outside your comfort zone and

meet new people.

So that’s the Master’s future covered but...

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Lent Edition

“You must have heard of me, I’m a

pretty big deal”

"Oh my God, once the breathalyser arrives,

we'll be able to determine the chunder

point!"

'Yay, got some

maintenance money.

That'll pay for my

holiday to Mallorca'

“When your dress fits into

an envelope you KNOW it’s

bad!” *guilty expression*

“I’ve lost my cucumber!” Fresher 1: "How do

you spell Jonathan?"

Fresher 2: "Why?"

Fresher 1: "It’s my

middle name and I

need to fill in this appli-

cation form."

“Oh my golly, the

Goat Post is just

amazing!!

Illustration by Nina Hemmings

The Goat Post

24 -

Please note, our real welfare team are always there for a friendly chat if you wish

"Agony Aunt - Unfortunate timetabling has meant that every week on my afternoon off from hard labour, the Bedder makes her way to my room to give it its weekly clean. With an essay due and a desperate dislike for working in the library I wait in suspense for the knock at my door and the almost inevitable turfing out. With the risk of living in squalor on numerous occasions I have rejected her kind offer to clean but at a cost. Is it acceptable to stay and try and ignore each others awkward glanc-

es?"

Dear Dirty Little Secret, It sounds like there is an awful lot of unnecessary tension for such a task... I certainly don’t experi-ence this sort of tension with my bedder.

Do tell, what filthy stories are you hiding in all that mess?

"So, I met this girl at a club over the weekend and I really like her. I'm going to be seeing her again soon at a mutual friend's party. All hunky dory. BUT, thing is, turns out she's 18 and still at sixth form college...I'm in third year. WHAT DO I DO AGONY AUNT?? Don't wanna be no [POTENTIAL SEDITION BRUTALLY NEUTRAL-ISED]. How young is too young?!?" Dear potentially elective [WE KEEP YOU SAFE !]. Unless old, wrinkly third years are this little filly’s regular type of dreamboat, I’d avoid any situation involving teenage-bumps-all-through-the-night, or squeezing’-‘n’-holdin’ tight-- and I’m not just talkin’ ‘bout trips to Gardies. I’ll also have you know that “don’t wanna be no [NOT UP-STANDING MEMBER OF A PRODUCTIVE SO-CIETY]” is in all verity a double negative; you sir, just got served. A hypothetical pris-on sentence, that is. GO TO JAIL. Do not

pass “GO”. Do NOT collect £200.

“Whining desist in! Be happinessed!

Such comradely hilarity!

I laugh with college pride and

devotion AHAHAAHa!!!

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Lent Edition

"Ooooooh agony aunt, agony aunt. I reaeaaaallllllly like someone I met . HE'S PERFECT! But not quite perfect. He's a grad student (I'm afraid to ask actually how old…) and I'm only in second year. Is that just a bit too weird?"

Dearest Gerontophile, Your life sounds like something remarkably out of a Twilight novel. Have you checked your object of admira-tion for sparkling skin or exceptionally pointy teeth? In any case, age didn’t seem to stop Bella from seducing Edward and if a bland, pale teenage girl can find true happiness with a glittering blood-sucker, there is no reason you shouldn’t go for said graduate stu-dent. You could look like the joyful couple above [ON THE LEFT]

Is my boyfriend mad if he believes Fitz is an architectural master-piece? PLEASE HELPP!! Don't want to go out with a madman!!!"

Dear bat-[FAECAL MATTER]-cray, Your significant other clearly has it. And by it, I mean the eye. And by the eye, I mean...actually I elect not to dignify that indignity. In homage to the beauty of Fitzwilliam College I have taken it upon myself to compose an abbreviated acrostic poem;

Fitzwilliam college ain’t fo sodz, Inundated with the grace of the gods, The home of the braves, and greats, and the goats-- Zenith of Cambridge; you got our votes! To conclude, Fitz is the [WORD RHYMING WITH FITZ SENSITIVELY REDACTED WITH THE SUPREME AUTHORITY OF FITZWILLIAM JMA. FITZWI LIAM COLLEGE. AGONY FREE SINCE 1869]

Left: Correctly affection Right: Decadent imperialist couple

for advice of a slightly more serious nature to that offered by our agony aunt.

The Goat Post

26 -

Alice Hobbs & Daniel Ward evoke the farcical na-

ture of capitalism in their pinstripe-cum-fruit outfits

.

What is that extra hand doing there? ?

[NAMES NEEDED]

Susie Cox & Phil Hart. Black is the new

black, dahling.

Josh Briegal & Olivia Taylor critique Parisian fashion’s

intra-national paternalism through their reinter-

pretation of Breton dress. Oh wait, it’s “Where’s

Wally?”.

These two cowboys recapture Broke Moun-

tain. [What’s that extra hand doing there??]

27 -

Lent Edition

Power is the strongest aphrodisiac.

BEST DRESSED: Sophie Farr & Christian Bale

(Andy Buchan)

GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY COLLEGE

DAUGHTER! Cassie Herlihy & Patrick Vickery

Alfie Glover-Short and Hannah Turner after what

was clearly a very rough night in Fitz buttery

The Goat Post

28 -

Men's’ Football

Fitz-Magdalene Men’s Basketball

Ladies' Badminton

“The women's badminton team won 2 out of their 5 matches in Michaelmas term,

with a very narrow loss against Darwin (5-4). The highlight was our match against

Christ's (7-2) where Isabel Wheeler and Julia Muenzner won all 3 of their games.

This term we'll be preparing for both mixed and women’s cuppers, & will hopefully

do Fitz proud!”

“We were 1-3 last term in the first division, the last match was especially thrilling,

as we won by the margin of a single basket scored in the last seconds, beating the

Hellenic society and staying in division 1 for Lent term. So that makes us 4th in the

The men's' 1st XI football team won all our matches before Christmas,

and finished Michaelmas top of the table. After a solid run of form in Lent,

Fitz are still top with a game against Jesus to come...and the double is still on after we beat Darwin and Girton in the quarter and semi-finals of the cup.

The final of Cuppers, also against Jesus, is imminent: get yourself to O Road!

Men’s 2nd XI lost the first game (Against Jesus III, 2-4) and have won all our games since

(Trinity Hall 0-4, Emma 9-1, Pembroke 4-2, Jesus 2-1) We're joint on points for first place

with 4 other teams and really keen for one of the 2 available promotion spots, but it's going

to be a tough competition. We're also through to the second round of our cup competition

The 3rds survived their first season in Division 5 with some gritty football, and are in the

semi-final of the Vase for the second year running.

Ladies Squash

“We were unfortunately knocked out of cuppers in the first round by a Jesus team

(Jesus are currently top of the cuppers league). We were however promoted to

division 1 at the end of Michaelmas!”

Now in

the final of

Cuppers!

29 -

Lent Edition

Women's’ Football

Mixed Water polo

Mixed Netball

Fitz-Trinity Men’s Hockey

Men’s Squash

“So far, we’ve won our first round of cuppers. It was against Selwyn. 3-3 draw and

we won on flicks!”

“Men's Squash had a very successful Michaelmas, topping the 3rd Division and gaining

promotion to the 2nd. Fitz's squash tradition is fantastic, and the team will be begin-

ning the defence of their Cuppers crown this term. “

“Last term we had 4 wins, 3 losses - and came third in

Division 2 of the mixed netball league. “

Ladies Netball

“The water polo team went unbeaten last term! (NB. two matches scheduled: the

first was cancelled for maintenance work, the second cancelled cos the lifeguard

didn't turn up)”

“The ladies netball team (almost) shot to the top of their league winning all but

three matches by huge margins - their goal difference was a whopping 73, higher

than any other team in ANY of the ladies' division. This led to promotion to the

third division (of which there are five); a massive achievement for the team. What's

more, with regular practise and plenty of team spirit captain Rachel foresees fur-

ther promotion!”

“we got through to the quarter finals

by the end of last term and we

had won 2 lost 1 in the league”

Now in

the final of

Cuppers!

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30 -

Saturday 9th February 2013 was the

most anticipated day of term for Cam-

bridge University Women’s Water

Polo. All season had been spent train-

ing unbelievably hard in preparation for

the annual clash with ‘The Other Place’

Having beaten Oxford two weeks previously in a close BUCS match the Cambridge

team were feeling quietly confident but knew that they were going to have to produce

an impressive performance if they wanted to repeat the victory. However, nobody

predicted quite what was about to happen...

Oxford quickly scored the first goal of the match, but this was to be the only time they

would lead as the Light Blues displayed characteristically superb defence throughout

the match with brilliant steals from Alex Kellaway, speedy counters from Emily Grader

and some awesome saves from the team’s new goalkeeper Bethany Eastwood. Cam-

bridge’s attack was similarly impressive throughout the entirety of the match with play-

ers across the team scoring goals in quick succession. Particular mention should be

given to Sophie Clarke who was firing in shots from all positions showing incredible

versatility!

It didn’t take long for it to become clear that Cambridge were by far the superior

team, and to the cheers of an incredible home crowd they steadily increased the goal

difference with Julia Heckenast scoring a fantastic goal just before the final whistle to

end the match with an unbelievable score of 18-4 to the Light Blues!! Every single play-

er on the Cambridge team played the best they have ever been seen to play and their

captain Anna Sutcliffe’s emotion at the end of the match showed just how proud of

each and every one of them she was!

3rd year economist Hamish Crichton and 2nd year law student Anna

Sutcliff lead both teams to victory, with a close and ferocious match

ending in 11-10 for the boys, and a record defeat of 18-4 for the girls.

Anna Sutcliff gives details of their match...

31 -

Lent Edition

Fitz has enjoyed a decent year of rowing. After

introducing the novices to the joys of winter

mornings on the Cam (how to remove boats

from racks / ice from blades / limbs from frost-

bite), NW1 won their heat at Queen’s Ergs in

November, while NM3 also managed to beat

NM1 & 2 in Fairbairns, and make it past the first

round of Clare Novices. In senior rowing, W1 came 13th in Fairbairns and 8th in the Winter

Head time trial. These were good omens for the Lent campaign—W1 demolished Christ’s,

Hughes Hall and MEdwards in Pembroke Regatta, coming second only to Downing W1 (who

are head of Lent Bumps). M2 and W2 also survived the first round of the competition (a

knockout tournament of 800m sprints), a testament to the commitment of the former men’s

novices and the depth of talent in the women’s squad.

Bumps preparation for M1 met with race cancellations, broken boats and a broken 4-man.

However, we rowed a classy race on to bump Downing M2, the first bump by a Fitz Lents

M1 since 2009, and Hamilton’s first bump ever. This was followed by a row-over and bump

by Caius M2.

After a term of hard training, Fitz M2 have grown to love bumps racing, revenge-bumping

Christ’s III on the second day, in the process becoming famous on the Tab for “rowing like

ferrets”.

Unfortunately, M3 didn’t qualify, but have had a fun term’s rowing and win the prize for Most

Enthusiastic Crew. W2 got on before being disqualified for arcane and petty reasons that we

can moan about at BCD (tonight) They are quick though: keep an eye out in Mays.

However, the most exciting news comes from W1 (right). At time of writing, They have

bumped Robinson, Sidney and Emma W2. Only LMBC W2 stand between them and b****. I

want to see foliage. I want those names above the bar. I want the flag streaming behind Cox

Machado’s goat hat as they row home.

This may not come to pass. But if you heard the roar of inebriated boaties echoing from the

Buttery last Saturday, you

know why.

Hot off the

Press... Fitz W1

WILL be getting

blades!

The Goat Post

32 -

Front Cover Illustration: Laura Pugh

Thanks to all our contributors

To contribute to the next issue contact Laura Pugh

(lsp29) or Alex Jackman (ajj47)