The Funny Truth About Lies Part 0: Lies That Don't Cost
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Transcript of The Funny Truth About Lies Part 0: Lies That Don't Cost
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THE FUNNY TRUTH
ABOUT LIES
PART 0:
LIES THAT DONT COST
2013 BY JAYMES SHOREALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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Chapter 1
FREELIES
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What is a lie? Everything is a lie; everything. Any salesmans pitch; lie. What your
best friend tells you; lie. Food label; lie. Anything anyone says; lie. Wehave more lies than garbage; well, almost.
Dont get angry. Face the lie and laugh.
This is the third part of my books of lies. You may ask: why is it called part
zero, and not part three? If you purchased this book, you will know why.
Included here are a collection of fresh lies, not found anywhere else. I havealso included my greatest hits collection, the best of parts 1 and 2 of the
series. As with my other books, in some cases the lies are on one side, and the
truth is on the other; or below.
Enjoy the only lies in life, that wont cost you.
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You can expect between 12-16inches of snow by morning.
You can expect between 2-3 inches
of snow by morning. We are just
trying to make it sound worse, so
you keep watching our news show.
The president failed to keep his
promise to keep taxes lower.
Your taxes are lower. They are
higher for the rich bastard who
owns this network.
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Artificial insemination by the dish on
the right is not fully covered by your
insurance. You will need a $4,234.23
co-pay.
The one on the left is fully covered,but we cant tell you why. Lets just
say the night janitor was a
little indiscreet.
Yes, dad. I am doing my online
Bible study course.
I am downloading an illegal file-sharecopy of the new Blue Crappies album,using the churchs server.
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Try our new Gredo Brand instant pizza. Just add package and water into
a microwave safe dish, cook 3 minutes, and you are done. Taste just like
your favorite pizza place. Your kids will never know the difference.
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If you believe anything I just said, youre not very bright. Look at this
crap. How could it taste like anything decent? Go fix your kids a proper
dinner.
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Just tell us your side
of the story. We only
want the truth.
We know you did nothing
wrong, but innocents doesnt
generate viewers. We will
destroy your life to get better
ratings.
I dont agree with
you. Contamination
is not too bad. Lets
just clean it up and
open the factory.
God is this bad; but Ill
lose a ton of money if I
close for a week to get
hazmat people in. Illjust go on vacation. If a
few workers get sick,
well thats what sick
days are for.
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Why
pay any
more?
Hope you dont
get into an
accident. If you
do, we will drop
you and notpay.
Kids, if you are very good, you will find
one of these under your tree.
Only kids who were bad will
get this. Its a cheap knockoff
of the one you really want. It
will die in 6 months.
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PHONE LIESIts easy to lie on the phone. Nobody
can see you (yet). Without body
language, you just have to worry about
your voice.
Ill be home at 6pm.
Ill refund your money.
No; Im not surfing the web, while
talking to you.
The guy left 10 minutes ago, will be
there soon.
I love you, too.
Too sick to make it in today.
I must have had the ringer off.
You have the wrong number.They all have a rip on the sleeve.
Thats the new style.
It will be ready at 3pm.
No, I never met him.
This is not a telemarketing call.
You have reached voice mail.
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Son, the bread is only 4 weeks old. We
cant afford a new loaf yet. Just cut
around the bad parts.
Look dear, we are just 3 miles
away from Canada. If we lived
there we would not have lost the
house to pay your medical bills, or
have had to fight for a year for theinsurance company to approve
your treatment.
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The liars hall of fame.
You can trust me. Look at my face. Could this face lie? I am smiling
with joy for you. This is the best investment you will ever see. Because
you are such nice people I am letting you in at the top. Yes, your life
savings could not be in better hands. Trust me, you wont regret it.
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You can get me off right? I wont go to jail? I didnt spend all the
money, some is still in the bank. I know I stole the life savings of 59
people, but they are old, and dont need it. You can get me off, right?
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I love you so much. You have the greatest personality.
You are sweat, and a great lover. Can we get married in
the spring?
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This is the best deal you will ever get. You could
make millions off a small investment.
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We are about to lose a major client, and will be out
of business within the year. We just have to get our
golden parachutes ready.
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Vote for me. I have honesty,integrity, and will fight to put
more money in your pocket.
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Vote for me. I will fight toput more money in my
pocket.
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Have a little faith, it will all
work out in the end, if you just
believe.
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I am really an atheist. Im notreally good at anything; so it
was this, or the army. The
benefits here are better, and I
only have to get up early one
day a week.
You are totally screwed, but
what the hell, I made you feel a
little better.
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We believe this is the grave
of the last American to have
had a full time job. He died
22 years ago.
Cottages for rent, only $666
each a month. Free use of
yard. River 1/2 mile away forbaths.
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I am going to Harvard in the fall.
I am going to Harvard lumber yard
in the fall, where Ill be working.
I have been working as a hair
dresser for 3 years.You are my first
customer, ever.
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We have the best fruit spreads
in the state.
We have the most expensive fruit spreads in
the state. We also had 12 cases of botulism.
I drive the very same car
myself. Best one I ever owned.
I would never drive this piece of crap.
I just need a sale to keep my job.
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Ill call you
next week.
You will never
hear from me
again, ever.
It takes me
an hour a day
to get my hair
just right.
This is a wig.
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So, this is
what I went to
college for?
Yes sir, I took
care of that
yesterday.
Nothing to
worry about.
Im screwed.
Time to lookfor a new job.
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Whats the
Difference?
....The price.Organic Regular
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Go ahead, light up. We dont mind the stink, breathingissues, and second hand cancer. You have rights, so just
screw everyone else. You are more important than other
people, so smoke.
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This is an easy procedure.That is, if you have good heath insurance.
If not, the other children will come up with somerather unpleasant nicknames for him.
Go for it. There
is no red lightcamera here.
I really dont know.
I need to use theladies room.
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We have to see 12
more candidates.
We will let
you know.
We have to see 12
more candidates.
We will let
you know.
We are looking for
someone a little
younger.
We are looking for
someone a little
younger.
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Expect 6-8 inches bymorning.
I have no idea what I am doing. Do youthink I got this job for my skill as a
meteorologist? Just look out the windowand guess for yourself.
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Chapter 2
THEBEST OF
THEFUNNY
TRUTH
H h b f fi b k If h
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Here now, is the best of my first two books. If you enjoy what you
see, you can always buy them. If not, just delete this file.
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If the sign states Made to order
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If the sign states, Made to order
It really means, heated to order.
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Mr. Smith 8pm Mr. Smith 5pm
I love you dear, you are theonly one for me.
No, I am not married.
Have to call in sick. Have a badstomach virus, and Icant even get out of bed.
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I cant find anything I like on
the menu.
I see a lot of great things, but they are allso expensive. Maybe Ill get a hamburger,
thats only $14.
...and that isthe best advice
that I can giveyou about this.
Advice? I haveno idea what I
am saying. Imjust trying tosound like Iknow somethingabout this. I amas lost as youare.
M t P g it d J b k
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Meet Peg, a waitress, and Joe, a bankexecutive. Both from California.
Were getting married next month. I am2 months pregnant. Joe is doing theright thing, and making me an honest
woman. He is so kind, upstanding,and will make a fine father.
Ok now, the only truths above, are that she is pregnant, and they aregetting married. Peg had a one night stand with a sleazy, 350 pound, half blind,
one legged bartender 2 months ago. She then found out she was pregnant. Shewanted nothing to do with the loser father, whos name she could notremember. Then she developed a plan. She would sleep with every customer inthe bar, till she got a rich one. She found that in Joe, who had plenty of cash.She slept with him, then told him she was having his child. Joe suspectednothing, did the right thing, and will pay for it. Soon she will have her child and
his money. He will get to lose his house, and pay child support for the rest of hisnatural life. Beware of liars like Peg. They will get you every time.
What we value most
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What we value most.
School bus driver:
Salary: $31,000
School teacher
Salary $44,000
Soldier:
Salary $17,000-$44,000
Ambulance driver:
Salary $30,000
Throw a ball around
Salary $3.2 million
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A real news story. A pastor had a big meal at a restaurant. He was
happy with the service; and the food. When the check came he left only a
10% tip. The reason: I give God 10%. Why should I give you $16%?
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God has spoken to me. You must believe, or:
A- You will suffer the torments of hell for all eternity.
B- You will suffer Gods angry vengeance.
C- The Devil will take your soul, right out of your body.
D- I will not be able to make 2 million a year as a televangelist.
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I would like to thank our Lord for
the food we are about to receive.
Oh dad, your paying for dinner tonight, notthe Lord. You may also want to thank the
cook, and tip the waiter more than 10%;
for all his hard work.
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Jan, when her best friends
Mother died:
Jan, 6 months later, when
her father dies:
God has a plan. We cannot question it.
He wanted your mother for a reason.
God is good.
There is no God. If he does exist, then
how could he do this to me? I hate you
God, I hate you.
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Sorry, I didnt see you. No, I didnt clip him. He
just tipped over.
I didnt see you because: I was texting, changing
stations, drinking coffee, eating a donut, blowing
my nose, working my GPS, and web surfing. Yeah, I hit him all right.
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RED LIGHT HELL
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The red light at busy intersections had become thenew yellow. Drivers become oblivious to the conceptthat two objects can not exist in the same place and
time. If only they had paid attention in school.Then came a new hope, the red light camera. Finally
people would stop tempting fate. Finally we would besafe, and there would be justice.
Then came the ugly truth, it was all a lie. People still
raced through red lights just like before, only now theywere behind you, leaving you a terrible choice....,
RED LIGHT HELL
The deal kept getting worse. The cameras were now looking to see ifyou had on seat belts, a headlight out, or if there was ketchup on your
face, from that burger you ate while driving. The roads weren't any saferfor this, but the county raked in the bucks. Nervous drivers went out of
control in a panic, trying to avoid a costly ticket. I saw one guy entering a
long intersection just as yellowappeared. Not sure he could make it to the middle of the intersection intime, he floored it, lost control, and crashed into a parked car. Boy are
these cameras fun.Another great side effect, nobody lets ambulances through anymore. If
youre at a light, is it worth a ticket to help someone in need? No, peoplejust sit at the light and avoid the ticket.
THE DREADED SIGNS
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THE DREADED SIGNS
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A MAN WHO OWNED A DINER ONCE TOLD ME
NEVER ORDER THE SPECIAL.
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Everybodys Favorite
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I hope you enjoyed all of these free lies. Now, if you dont want me
to die of starvation, go buy my first 2 books.
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I have been abducted by
terrorists. I am being
held in a dark room. Idont know if I am ever
being released.
That dance music in the
background? Thats a
form oftorture.
No, I have not been
drinking, its the drugs
they gave me.
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You can trust me.
Special thanks to Lord Andrew Hermann.
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The End
Thats a lie.