THE EXILEISSUE #11/290 MAY 29 – JUNE 12, 2008 WWW.EXILE.RU FREE

IN A NATION TERRORIZED BY ITS OWN GOVERNMENT, ONE PAPER DARED TO FART IN ITS FACE

GOOD NIGHT, AND BAD LUCK.A

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P. 2 THE EXILE APR 17 - APR 23

HANDI-CULPABLEDear Yasha,

In anticipation of a Wheelchair-boundfriend coming to visit, I searched"wheelchair moscow". Your article forthe eXile was great. What made youthink of doing 24 hours as an invalid?Coincidently, last night, I attended anauction from which the proceeds go toDiema's Dream, a charity that helpsMoscow's handicapped, founded byAmerican Mary Dudley. Your secondarticle answered the question of whyone doesn't see handicapped people inthe city. One of the aims of Diema'sDream is to "break the cycle of automat-ic institutionalization of the disabled byencouraging families to keep their dis-able children within the family, ...by pro-viding support, out patient thearapy andcounseling".

I am writing you to see if you have sug-gestions and advice for me as the hostof a wheelchair-bound person for aweek in Moscow. I would appreciate itgreatly if you have time to write, even tosuggest other web sites that haveadvise.

Keep up the interesting journalism.

Sincerely,

CC Kent

Dear Mr. Kent, Our advice is simple:take your wheelchair bound compan-ion clubbing to Papa John’s,McCoy’s, Krysha, you name it—because if Yasha learned one thing inhis article, it’s that wheelchairs arethe snapper magnets of the MedvedevEra. As we say around here in ouroffices, "Have wheelchair, will bone."Oh, and once you score, don’t worryabout leaving your wheelchair-bound

companion at the club. He’ll getaround fine in this town, it’s so wheel-chair-friendly he’ll think he’s diedand gone to heaven (when in fact, he’sjust died and nothing else!).

ONE BORN EVERY DAYWar Nerd,

While I am quite certain you are ratherbusy promoting your new book and all(copped it from amazon, should be herenext week) but I would definitely like abit of info or a post regarding NorthKorea's special forces and the raidagainst the South Korean Parliamentthat you've alluded to in a few of yourposts. I've searched around and asidefrom a rather extreme :) video showingKim's bodyguards training and genericlistings of the break down (numbersetc) of the North Korean SF, I haventfound much... Much obliged, and I hopeyour book blows up!

Karl

Dear Mr. Karl, Since you alreadybought the War Nerd’s book, we real-ly don’t see any point in obliging you.You see, out here in Russia, we dothings our own way, and we don’tneed any lectures from youWesterners on what "customer ser-vice" really means. We have our owntraditions and history, and our histo-ry tells us, "If someone gave youmoney before you provided the ser-vice, then fuck ‘im."

"T" FOR TENNESS[SIC]War Nerd,

I’ve been receiving emails from theStratfor dudes for about 2 years, (Idon’t pay for the ‘premium’ content).Supposedly, they are known as theshadow CIA, if this is true, then thesetruly are the desperate of times. I justfinished your latest article and when Ireceived this ‘bonus’ excerpt, I knew Ihad to pass it along I had intended onmaking a smart remark about youneeding to include more or at least oneStarbucks spy, but that would stretchthe level of credulity, and I just couldn’thave done it with a straight face. Keepup the excellent work, your foresighton the Lebanon situation has proventerrifyingly accurate, but made perfectsense.

As we say in Tennessee, if you ain’tMuslim, you ain’t Shi’ite…

Thanks for keeping it real…

Ron

Dear Mr. Ron, Daniel Allen replies, "Idon’t quite understand yourTennessee high-falutin’ sayings, butout here in Oklahoma, we have a say-ing as well: If you ain’t getting fuckedin the ass by your uncle Jethro, youain’t Daniel Allen."

"

FACESOFDEATHBOOK.COM

Dear GaryGary:

Just came across your stuff and I amenjoying it very much. I have asked thisquestion on the strategypage boardsand no one seemed to know the answeror just guessed. Is there a general oradmiral who achieved that rank duringWW2 still alive? Davy Jones of theUSAir Corp and a veteran of theDoolittle raid is still alive in his 90s andI believe that he made full bird in WW2and a General subsequently. I don'teven know how to find an answer to thisquestion. I think it would make an inter-esting article if there are a couple leftalive. Maybe some Russian? Whoknows.

We are surely in the last few years of thelife of the last WW1 veteran. I am sur-prised that there isn't a count downsomewhere of these folks.

Anyway, something to think about.Thanks for your hard work.

Regards,

Larry Dickerson

Dear Mr. Dickerson, We have somegood news and some bad news. Goodnews: about 10 years ago, in antici-pation of your letter, we found the lastsurviving general, Maj. GeneralRalph Corbett Smith, described by theNew York Times as a "ruggedNebraskan"; bad news is that DanielAllen got in his pickup truck, headedover from Oklahoma to pay tribute toGen. Smith’s service to the UnitedStates…but, well, once Daniel Allensaw an old man who reminded him ofhis grandpa, he just control hispeanut-licking urge, and the nextthing you know, he’s buried in a mili-tary cemetery with full honors. Hislast words, apparently, were, "Ifought… for the wrong… side…"

CON[sic]PATED OK, Mark,

I cannot take it no longer. I am a long-time Exile fan, and keep a stack of Exiles

on top of my toilet bowl (shitting is thetime when I do 90% of my reading)...Here is what pisses me off - first, youhave removed my favorite WhoReStories section.. It has been monthssince I could find anything even close tothat ingenious article of yours on fuck-ing a whore every hour through thenight to celebrate the Exile anniver-sary... nothing like that! Did you guysturn into old fags no longer interested inmoney-for-sex??

Well, ok, I thought, at least I still havemy Face Control section... but this onehas gone rotten as well... you knowwhat is the ratio of uncensured boobsper Face Control in the last 10 Exiles?0.2 boob per section!! Aren't youashamed?? And now - this ridiculousnew Scanning Traffic Cops section..."Olga 865 Ulyanka Khoriton 96 063Second Third" - what in the hell isthat?? Jesus Christ - why dont you hirea fucking monkey as an editor and justlet her hammer on the keyboard - thatarticle would make much more sense!

In short, Mark, something must bedone. Otherwise, expect to get the billfrom my practitioner, after I get a psy-choneurotic constipation the next time Itry to shit reading your newspaper!!!

Best,

Petos

Dear Mr. Petos, MikhailKhodorkovsky replies, "Wow, gosh, Ireally get to answer a [sic] letter? Iguess what they’re saying aboutMedvedev is true—he really is a lib-eral! You know, I’ve had a lot of timeto sit here and think about things, lookback at my life, achievements done,tasks accomplished. But answering[sic] was always one of those things Idreamed of one day doing, but neverthough would be possible. So, I’vehad a lot of time to think about thisletter, go over the proper mix ofinsulting language and light-heartedhumor, while at the same time takinginto consideration may other factors,and here’s the response I’ve come upwith. Ready? Here goes. Petos, you—" [Note to readers: due to a "prover-ka," Mr. Khodorkovsky could not fin-ish his answer. There is nothing to bealarmed about. He will most surely beback next week to answer more [sic]letters. There is nothing unusualabout such a "proverka"—these kindsof things happen all the time in allWestern countries. So, go back towhat you’re doing.—Ed.]

OPERATION INCESTEROSSAhi there jared!

the thing is this: me and some friends are going to moscow for a week from the28th of may. so you needn`t care about that but since we are from vienna/aus-tria nobody here knows which clubs to go in moscow. as you write the nightlifecolumn (which i checked) i wounderd if you can tell me some spots to go. weare into free (illegal) tekkno soundsystem scene here but i never heard of itexisting in russia or even to be known. but i guess there must be some sort ofunderground punk clubs or gothic or new wave, stuff like that. and what aboutelectronic music? which clubs play dark electro, hardtek, acid tekno etc.? itwould be very kind of you to give us some hints, away from the usual scene,which i guess we can`t enter at least because of our looks and this damn strictface control you have there.

for the last: your newspaper rocks, didn`t know that this sort if style is possiblein fascist russia!

so long, greetz from vienna

rodi

Dear rodi, Actually the reason you won’t be able to enter any clubs here isbecause everyone’s afraid that you Austrian clubbers are going to kidnapsomeone’s daughter and lock her up in your basement. We tried telling theRussians, "Hey, not all Austrians are pedophile Eurofags. Some of them areNazis. Really, it’s not fair to stereotype an entire nation as just one thing.You have all types there – pedophile Eurofags, incest Eurofags, NaziEurofags, and even, in the case of lower-case-rodi, Eurofag-Eurofags.Austria, after all, is a rich culture with a proud history. If you skip about 10or 15 years of that history, then it’s really, really proud.

LETTER OF THE WEEK[SIC]

e-mail: editor@exile.ru

SEPARATED TURTLENECK

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...and boyish presidentof Russia Medvedev

SEPARATED AT SKULL

Bundle of nervessenator McCain....

...and bundle ofsticks singerMoiseyev?

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FACE CONTROLAPR 17 - APR 23 P. 3 THE EXILE

In case you thought that the Russian dude in the movie Happinesswas some kind of artistic invention. The dude on the right’s thinking: “She looks so pleased with

her birthday sushi cake, I’m definitely gonna get analtonight!”

Mating season in provincial Russia.Russian dudes often ask their dates if theycan hold their purses for them; it makesthem feel sexy and alive in photo shots.

Snapper Watching Tip #37: Bleached short-tail snappers, so named because of theirhighly distinctive white tubular snapperflap used to spread snapper spores tounwitting mates, are best observed in lateSpring.

Demonstrating the technologically-advanced probe which is said tohave uncovered life in hostile environments like Rai.

SOAK UP THE SAVAGE LUST OF MOTHER RUSSIA!

Email your photos of Mother Russia to face@exile.ru and win prizes!

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P. 4 THE EXILE MAY 29 - JUNE 12

rom its very inception, The eXile has been under constant siege, always pushed to the brinkof collapse by a nefarious alliance of Russian bureaucrats, aggrieved small-business own-ers, thick-ankled American women, thin-skinned Russian celebrities, seething Westernjournalists and politicians, and even members of our own staff, people whom we thoughtwe could trust. Everyone, it seems, learns to hate us at one time or another, leaving only asmall rump core to keep the flame of hatred burning. Is there a lesson to be learned in that?

Yes there is: everyone but us is a worthless piece of shit. But if you’ve been reading our newspaper,you already knew that, didn’t you—you worthless piece of shit.

Our survival for the past 11 years is a testament not just to what Nietzsche might call "The Will ToFailure" (if Nietzsche was an eXile editor, that is), but more importantly, it speaks volumes about thehuman will to survive and endure against all odds—either that, or it means that The eXile is some kindof printed herpes virus that you can treat, but never cure.

Welp, those days are behind us folks. Now that the liberal Medvedev Era has arrived, we can allbreathe a sigh of relief. At last, after all of the assaults, lawsuits, threats, thefts, bad drug deals, falsepregnancies and petty betrayals, after the terrifying presidencies of Boris Yeltsin and Vladimir Putin,the light of liberal freedom is shining into our basement offices. We can already taste the fresh gustsof liberal-air blowing in from that little fella with the big floppy head and the stumpy arms—damn,he’s cute, ain’t he? Don’t you just want to pick Medvedev up and hug him and squeeze him? Or zip

him up in a squirrel costume and put him in a habittrail, then just watch him run around, gnawing ona salt lick or rolling around in wood chips? We do. And we’re not afraid to say it either.

See, we can say those things now, because Medvedev’s a liberal. And as far as we at The eXile areconcerned, liberal means: "Freed from the shackles of oppressively responsible journalism, we nowhave full license to urinate into the president’s mouth without any fear of consequences, and there ain’ta durned thing he can do about it."

So, that’s settled. Good times ahead, folks! We’re eating our asparagus stalks as you read this, drink-ing a triple venti Dark Italian Roast, hooking up our catheter tubes, and preparing for the best next-8-years of our entire media lives!

But before we celebrate the good times yet to come, now is an appropriate time to respectfully bowour heads, and look back at the impossible journey we took to get here.

Yes, they said it was impossible—they said no newspaper could possibly survive 11 years only toreach that milestone of making the president’s mouth our personal urinal—but thanks to you, theungrateful reader who never gave us any money and who was too cowardly to let your peers even seethat you were reading The eXile, furtively slipping this paper between the pages of The Moscow Timesor stuffing it into your briefcase for safe toilet reading later—thanks to your total unwillingness to sac-rifice a single hair on your ass, we made it. It’s a joint effort, and it’s time we congratulated ourselves.

And now…get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame:

FEBRUARY, 1997: THREATS OF VIOLENCEAfter the first issue, editor Ames is toldthat his former publisher threatened to"break his legs" for jumping ship; scaryowners of the old Rosie O’Grady’s Barthreaten Ames with unspecified conse-quences for the nasty "Jeers" review.

MAY, 1997: DEATH THREATEditor Matt Taibbi seeks FBI assistancethen flees Moscow after receiving a veiledphone threat from fellow American expatMichael Bass, a movie producer/pettyconman whom Corey Haim once chasedoff his property with a BB gun.

SEPTEMBER 1997: AMERICANEMBEZZLEMENT #1Original American partners Kara andMarcus Deyerin dump The eXile and slipaway without leaving an address; $25,000goes missing; new American sales man-ager Nicole Mollo starts.

FEBRUARY 1998: BACTERIAL THREATAmes prescribed Sumamed antibiotic fol-lowing a doctor’s visit following a two-week affair with a freshly-paroled devush-ka.

MARCH 1998: AMERICANEMBEZZLEMENT #2; BOYCOTT THREAT Nicole Mollo abandons The eXile with anote telling the editors how much shehates them, takes refuge in the USEmbassy before fleeing to an undisclosedDutch location; $14,000 in cash missing;Baltimore Sun correspondent Kathy Lallycalls for a boycott of The eXile.

APRIL 1998: PRESS MINISTRY THREATThe eXile publishes a fake issue of TheMoscow Times which causes an outcry; acouple of days later, Ames receives aphone call at his apartment from someoneat the Russian Press Ministry; Ames callsIndependent Media publisher Derk Sauer,and after a discussion, the dogs are calledoff.

JULY 1998: RUSSIAN GOVERNMENTTHREATMembers of prime minister SergeiKiriyenko’s government query twoMoscow Times editors about the reactionthat shutting down The eXile would causein the expat community; naively, the MTeditors tell the Russian White House offi-cials that the outcry would be serious,thereby defending The eXile; days later,The eXile arranges the theft of editor-in-chief Geoff Winestock’s pen from his desk,then publishes a photo of the stolen pen inThe eXile.

AUGUST 1998: FINANCIAL CRISIS The eXile’s bank, Rossiiskii Kredit, col-lapses. So does every business in town.

SEPTEMBER 1998: DEFECTION With the paper teetering, editor Matt Taibbiabandons The eXile to live at his father’sManhattan high-rise.

OCTOBER 1998: TAX RAID Tax officials threaten to shut The eXiledown; Michael Bass threatens to pour acidon Ames’ face.

NOVEMBER 1998: KREMLIN MEDIAATTACKThe Russia Journal, believed to be aKremlin-backed project to blunt TheeXile’s nefarious influence, is launched.

APRIL 1999: SNIPER THREATThe eXile leads an "Americans AgainstNATO Bombing Of Serbia" protest near theRussian White House; some 100 Russiancops guard the march, including rooftopsnipers; 10 Americans join them.

JUNE 1999: GIARDIA THREATAmes catches first case of giardia,believed to be linked to a bad batch ofPersian Gray. Excessive abuse ofmetabolism-altering substances begin totake their toll.

AUGUST 1999: LOSS OF MANHOODVladimir Putin is named the new PrimeMinister by Boris Yeltsin; Ames suffersfirst instance of impotence, an afflictionwhich would eventually consume everyeXile editor.

DECEMBER 1999: CELEBRITY THREATAmes and Taibbi sign a movie deal withGood Machine productions, blow thecheck on a three-day binge at Night Flightand Metelitsa.

APRIL 2000: CELEBRITY THREAT #2Ames and Taibbi’s book "The eXile"released by Grove Press; 2 month booktour ensues, ending with hitting a deerwith their car; first IKEA opens in Moscow;returning to Putin’s Russia and its 13-per-cent-flat-tax-rate mentality plunges theminto depression.

AUGUST 2000: SUICIDE THREATAmes moves to an apartment in Serbian-controlled northern Kosovo; locals imme-diately accuse him of being a NATO spy;Jake Rudnitsky hired as new editor.

JANUARY 2001: MEDIA THREATRussia Journal publisher Ajay Goyal andhis bodyguard storm into The eXile officeand threaten the cleaning lady, after aneXile mole in the Russia Journal writes anarticle announcing upcoming RJ articlesbefore they go to print.

MARCH 2001: HORSE SPERM PIE The eXile bakes a horse sperm pie andthrows it into the face of the New YorkTimes’ bureau chief, Michael Wines.

APRIL 2001: JAIL THREATeXile columnist Edward Limonov jailedand charged with attempting to raise anarmy in order to invade Kazakhstan andcreate a National-Boshevik republic; Amesmoves to Kentucky for reasons which nei-ther he nor anyone else ever understood.

JUNE 2001: STOMPING THREATTaibbi stomped by six men in suits outsidethe Boar House at 4am; Krazy KevinMcElwee falls from a third floor balconyand breaks both legs while trying toescape angry Russians whose car he van-dalized. Taibbi starts talking of quitting.

SEPTEMBER 2001: BANKRUPTCYTHREATFollowing a cover mocking the 9/11 terrorattack, American-owned advertisers dumpThe eXile, and American-run businessesrefuse to allow The eXile to be distributed.

DECEMBER 2001: EGO-CLASH THREATAmes returns to Moscow from Kentucky;Taibbi begins publishing in the Kremlin-backed Russia Journal. The eXile is$15,000 in debt to employees and others.

JANUARY 2002: CELEBRITY THREATLawyers alleging to represent hockey starPavel Bure serve The eXile with a 500,000ruble lawsuit for libel.

FEBRUARY 2002: DEFECTIONTaibbi quits again, moves back to hisfather’s Manhattan high-rise, continues towrite for The Russia Journal; eXile movesoffices for 6th time, this time into theRasputin Strip Club.

MAY 2002: CELEBRITY THREAT RISESSnap surprise decision in lawsuit againstThe eXile for what was then one of thelargest judgments in post-Soviet history;Ames receives strange phone call on hiscellphone from a Russian woman tellingAmes, "You should call your mother andtell her you love her"; The eXile drops law-suit appeal and settles.

SEPTEMBER 2002: PERMAFROSTTHREATRudnitsky leaves for horrific 6-monthretreat to a small Siberian city, nearly getskilled by heroin addicts and drunks; John

Dolan arrives from New Zealand as neweditor.

SEPTEMBER 2002: HURT FEELINGSTHREATDolan is insulted for first time by Sovokgrocery-store clerk; devastated, threatensto leave Moscow. When reminded hisreviews viciously insult one and all, com-ments, "That’s different!" After fellow edi-tor shows Dolan the more Western-ser-vice-friendly Sedmoi Kontinent, he agreesto stay.

NOVEMBER 2002: STAFF STOMPINGExile intern-turned-banker Flounderstomped and hospitalized.

JANUARY 2003: PRISON THREATExile columnist Edward Limonov sen-tenced to 4 years in prison on weaponscharges. Strange phone calls to Ames,suggestions that he should "back awayfrom Limonov."

FEBRUARY 2003: OMON THREATOMON troops break down door ofnextdoor office, seal it; OMON threatens toseal off eXile’s office as one of the roomsis under dispute, allegedly belonging to amentally-retarded woman.

MARCH 2003: COP THREATTwo unnamed eXile editors stopped late atnight by cops, with a hard illegal sub-stance on their person; long negotiationleads to bribe and freedom.

JULY 2003: POLICE STATE THREATPutin takes down Yukos andKhodorkovsky; several close friends ofAmes forced to flee, not all get out.

OCTOBER 2003: CELEBRITY THREAT #2Lawyers for a certain famous male-ishRussian pop star threaten a lawsuit over asatirical article; celebrity lawyer PavelAstakhov tells one Russian magazine thatAmes’ days in Russia are numbered.

JULY 2004: KREMLIN THREATAmes, in a prank, takes responsibility forthe "Kiriyenko letter" scandal; strangegoons call asking Ames how he managed

to blacken the ex-Prime Minister-turned-Putin plenipotentiary’s name; Kiriyenko’slawyer calls eXile office congratulatingthem on the prank; Paul Khlebnikov assas-sinated; Dolan leaves Russia, continues towrite for The eXile.

AUGUST 2004: UNITED STATESGOVERNMENT THREATRepublican Congressman Henry Bonilla ofTexas officially petitions the US StateDepartment to lobby the Russian authori-ties to arrest Ames; Bonilla tells the SanAntonio Express-News that "The U.S. andRussian governments should work togeth-er to investigate, prosecute and punish theperpetrators… By taking tough actionagainst the culprits we can prompt futurepranksters to think twice."

OCTOBER 2004: CULT OF PERSONALITYTHREATThe eXile publishes "101 Reasons WhyPutin Is A Fascist," including cover depict-ing Putin as a Hitlerjugen midget; dozensof restaurants and bars refuse to carry TheeXile, clients refuse to advertise anymore.

JANUARY 2005: HITLER’S BUNKERTHREATRudnitsky leaves eXile, Ames only editorleft.

JULY 2005: BANKRUPTCY THREAT #2As revenues dry up, Ames takes on sec-ond job in television.

APRIL 2006: YOUTH THREATYasha Levine joins as new co-editor,Rudnitsky leaves again.

AUGUST 2006: STING THREATAn acquaintance of The eXile is busted atLeningradsky Vokzal muling 2 kilos ofcrank, and she’s jailed for up to 10 years;subsequently her friends call eXile editorsrepeatedly asking them to "meet" to "dis-cuss business" or to "make a deal"; Amesand Levine join Planeta Fitness, begin newlives.

SEPTEMBER 2006: BANKRUPTCYTHREAT #3Exile bankrupt and in debt and arrears;

staff defects.

JANUARY 2007: REORGANIZATIONALTHREATAlexander Zaitchik joins The eXile as co-editor, attempts to implement basic orga-nizational professionalism such as a whiteboard; eventually runs into a wall of resis-tance, adopts bad habits of eXile staff, andgets into habit of finishing story at 4am onproduction day; Levine contracts food poi-soning while riding platzkart train toIzhevsk, nearly dies.

FEBRUARY 2007: SEXUAL HARASSMENTLevine experience sexual harassment frommost of The eXile's female staff. Humanresources department seemingly encour-age the practice.

JULY 2007: HACK THREATLuke Harding, correspondent for theGuardian newspaper, busted plagiarizingan eXile article by Ames and Levine;Guardian issues a rare apology and cor-rection.

SEPTEMBER 2007: CELEBRITY THREATAdam Levine’s attorney threatens to sueThe eXile over a satirical article about hisbad sex with Maria Sharapova; eXile daresLevine to sue in an open letter; new eXile2.0 website launches.

OCTOBER 2007: SEALED DOOR THREATExile office door welded shut in an unex-plained property dispute; eXile moves to atiny basement office which reportedly hasa radiation Geiger count that would makeChernobyl’s neighbors wince.

DECEMBER 2007: GIARDIA THREATLevine contracts his first case of giardia;Ames congratulates him.

MARCH 2008: UNPAID SALARY THREATZaitchik leaves Moscow for Miami.

MAY 2008: LIBERAL ERA BEGINS;THREATS VANISHDmitry Medvedev sworn into office as thenew president of Russia; the era of threatsends, and the era of liberalism and freespeech begins.

ELEVEN YEARS OF THREATS: THE EXILE’S INCREDIBLE JOURNEY

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THREAT TIMELINE

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By Gary Brecher

RESNO, CA – It’s sum-mer, you’ve got a littlemore time off, so you canread up on war instead oftrying to live in whateverboring suburb you live in.

Lawns, neighbors, dogs, kids—it allsucks and the best thing you can do isget as far out of it as you can. A lot ofwar fans do it by logging into thegame world, where we’re all sevenfeet tall and bulletproof. But I’m oldschool. I still actually read those bookthings, about actual wars where peo-ple die and stay dead, magic amulets

just get you killed, and elf princessesare few and far between. The onlyway to stay on top of this game is tokeep inhaling a lot of info, so after awhile you get a taste for B.S. Thatmeans you have to study up. Youknow when the Bible says, "Theyshall study war no more"? Well, I’mnot one of the they’s they were talkingabout. Here are some of the war booksI’ve been chowing down on lately.Hopefully they’ll help you getthrough your hot dull summer too:

Warhorse: Cavalry in AncientWarfare by Philip Sidnell

First the bad news: this bookpromises more than it delivers."Ancient Warfare" happened in a lotof places, but this British writer PhilipSidnell just takes it for granted that"Ancient" means Greece and Rome. Iwas hoping for something about theScythians, the coolest irregular caval-ry in ancient history, but they’re inhere only when they encounterAlexander’s army.

Now the good news: what thisSidnell guy does, he does pretty well.Take that little story aboutAlexander’s encounter with Scythiancavalry, which used bows from horse-back. To me, the most pressing ques-tion about Western armies in ancientwarfare is how they coped withmounted archers using compoundbows, the basic method of theScythians, Huns, and Mongols—thesteppe armies that terrified and usual-ly routed Mediterranean forces.Sidnell does a good job of explaininghow Alexander’s genius allowed himto figure out a perfect response tosteppe tactics on the spot, in the mid-dle of a godforsaken Central Asianwasteland. What he did, basically,was let them do a classic Little-Big-Horn move, designed to draw hisforces into a trap, feinting an advancewhile holding his own heavy cavalryin reserve and sending it right downon the lightly-armed Scythians’ backsas soon as they committed to an attackon his infantry. They never messedwith Alexander again, it was all,"How y’all Hellenes doin’? Nippy,ain’t it? Guess I’ll be moseying,"from those leather-pants stoner freaksfrom then on. (It’s true, the Scythianswere total heavy-metal stoners, woreleather pants and smoked pot all thetime. Only difference is they couldfight. Anybody ever meet a metalheadwho could fight? Sell him to the cir-cus.)

Beats me why these Brits think

"Ancient World" stops where peoplestop speaking Greek or Latin.Actually just writing that down I canguess why: because that’s all theystudy at Oxford, so they just fill in thenon-Classical regions of the map with"Orcs, Buncha Orcs, not worth dis-cussing." Which is barely OK ifyou’re talking infantry, but cavalry?Hell no. One of Sidnell’s points is thatGreek and Roman cavalry is underrat-ed, and he may be right, but it’s hardto tell when he won’t take the non-Greek/Roman cavalry forces serious-ly enough to talk about them in theirown right. And for that matter, if timemachines were available, I wouldgladly make a bet with Mister Sidnell

that any 100 Huns could annihilateany 300 Greco-Roman cavalry of anyera (unless I could get Belisarius forcommander of the Mediterraneanhorse soldiers).

And speaking of maps, where thehell are they? What is this thing ofmilitary history books with no maps?If I was in charge that would be a cap-ital offense, and I’m not talking quick,easy death either. No maps in thisbook, no pictures, no diagrams. Thebiggest reason I got this book is I’vebeen getting interested in the cat-aphracts, but there’s not one illustra-tion in the book. Of course part of thatis that the Cataphract was an Asiandesign, which means it’s all Orcs toSidnell, but even one lousy picturewould’ve helped. But nooooo it wasback to Google, where you get theusual mix of great stuff and war-gamer fantasy. Too cheap to put in theillustrations, the best part of anybook?

p.s. Somebody just pointed outthere are no illustrations in my newbook, The War Nerd. Well, that’stotally different. Never mind why.America doesn’t want to hear aboutthat! Let’s move on!

The Day of the Barbarians: TheBattle that Led to the Fall of theRoman Empire By AlessandroBarbero

The battle this book talks about isAdrianople, as most ancient-war fanswould have guessed. I’ve always beeninterested in this battle, for all kindsof reasons. For one thing, out of sheerorneriness I always preferred theByzantines to the Western Romans.Something about that Classical crap,the kind that books like the one I justdiscussed come out, just sticks in mycraw and always has. Makes me thinkof Kim Philby, Oxford boys betrayingus and buggering each other whilethey eat scones. Besides, theByzantines faced east, where the realthreats always came from. Europewas a fucking forest; how hard did theRomans have it? Even so they fuckedup massively, got a classic ambush,Monagahela-style, in TeutoburgerWald, let a bunch of German irregu-lars with javelins pick off three wholelegions.

But never mind that, my point hereis to talk about this Italian’s bookabout Adrianople. Another reason Ialways liked Adrianople is that it wasa very 20th-c. style battle. It was whatthey call a "humanitarian crisis," and

in case you think that’s a totally mod-ern invention, you’re wrong. TheEastern Romans in 378 AD were richand dumb enough not to massacreevery stranger who crossed their bor-ders. They were in the market forcheap labor and mercenaries, so theyusually tried to do a deal when someterrified tribe came knocking on thewall looking for escape from someeven scarier tribe back east.

That’s what happened atAdrianople: the Goths, an updatedScythian gang straight outta Ukraine,fled west to escape the Huns. See, theGoths were great riders but they did-n’t use the compound bow fromhorseback. Mistake! You’ve got toincorporate both pony and compoundbow if you want to win on the steppes.The Goths, who fought with swordsand spears, were so terrified of theHuns that, as this book explains, theymade up a story that the Huns wereborn when Goth witch women who’dbeen cast out of the tribe mated withdemons in the wasteland. It wasn’t farfrom the truth.

The Goths showed up at theDanube, the frontier of the Empire,begging the Romans to take them in.The Danube is a serious river byEuro-standards, and the Goths wereno sailors, so they just piled up therein huge refugee camps while the localbureaucrats waited for word fromConstantinople on what to do.

The situation is so familiar to any-body who watches the news thesedays that you just know no writer canhelp making cheap cracks about somecurrent event. And there are a lot ofgood parallels you might make.Unfortunately this AlessandroBarbero is an Italian leftie and theonly one he can think of is Iraq.Dumb. This has got nothing to do withIraq. Iraq is plenty bad enough on itsown, and I’ve said so till the deaththreats rained down like…uh, rain, Iguess…but you’ve got to be smartabout it. Dumb anti-American Iraqjokes like the one this guy keepscracking—well, if there’s anythingthat could turn me into a Cheney fan,that’s it.

When he’s not being an asshole,Barbero tells a good story. It was coolto hear that for the Romans, theGoths’ looks—tall, white skin, red oryellow hair—was just another signthat they were uncivilized and dirtyand poor. Of course when a Euro pro-fessor says that you have to wonder, ishe really channeling the ancientRomans or just showboating to soundPC? I hope the fucker’s telling thetruth, because it’s cool to think ofthese short thick oily Caesars sneeringat the genetic traits that that foolHitler was going to make into signs ofsuperiority 1600 years later.

The battle developed when theword came from Constantinople,from the hated emperor Valens, thatlocal forces should admit the Goths,ferry them across the river and putthem in camps to be resettled some-where else. They were ferried acrossby Roman boats and then, after starv-ing in camps for months while thelocal officials siphoned off all thefood relief they were supposed to begetting, they realized that they weredealing with inferior garrison troopsand rioted. The Romans tried to dealwith it Mafia style, by killing theleaders at a banquet (why did any-body in the ancient world ever go to abanquet? It was like signing yourdeath warrant!)—messed up, killedthe bodyguards but not the tribal lead-ers, and that was that.

I don’t have the space to tell thestory of the battle itself, and Barberodoes a pretty good job of that anyway.I’ll just say that no emperor everdeserved to die on the battlefield morethan this idiot. They couldn’t evenidentify his body, the Goths hadhacked it up so efficiently. He had itcoming, every bit of it.

The Translator: A Tribesman’sMemoir of Darfur by Daoud Hari

First of all, this is one of those "astold to" books, so I have no idea howmuch of it is really by this Darfurrefugee Daoud Hari. Some of thejokes—and there really are a lot ofgreat jokes—sound African to me,meaning they’re brave enough to jokeabout serious bloody stuff. But thenthe "co-authors" are these two Irishpeople and the Irish used to have the

same thing going, like the line, "Aman can get used to anything, evenbeing hanged." That joke would fitright in in this book. At one point Harilaughs when the correspondent he’sescorting through Darfur falls on a500-pound bomb. Hari laughs, andlater explains over a beer that, "If Ihad fallen on it, you would havelaughed." The correspondent, a Britand therefore not all dull and serious,says, "If YOU had fallen on the bombit WOULD have been funny!" It’s thatkind of book, way funnier and cheer-fuller than you’d ever expect. See,Africans live with so much miseryand blood that it’s boring to them.They want to laugh, they want a littlevariety.

Hari had plenty of the boring stuff,the blood and tears, because he’s aZaghawa, from Northern Darfur. Heleft home early to go to school, learn-ing English and Arabic, then migrat-ing to Libya, Egypt and Israel to findwork. He was only in Israel for onenight; they found him after he snuckin and deported him to Egypt wherehe ended up in one of those prisonsyou hope you’ll never see except inMidnight Express type movies.

He gets out by pure luck—or so hesays. I have the feeling there are a fewdetails he left out of his big adventure.Africans are great with stories andthey try to spare you the painful bits,so I kind of think ol’ Hari is fudgingjust a little bit about what went on inhis youth. Like his father says in thatgreat, dry African way when he comeshome, "We have learned much of theworld’s prisons from following yourtravels." By the time he gets back toDarfur, he’s 30 years old and he’s justin time for the Sudanese Army attackhelicopters to start strafing his village,by way of warm-up act for theJanjaweed militia to follow.

There’s a great chapter describingthe exact sequence of a Sudaneseattack on a Darfur village, starting

with the attack choppers flushing outthe defenders, who run to prearrangedambush sites, then the Land Roversstopping to fire their heavy Sovietmachine guns at extreme range,"…from far enough away that attack-ers could only spray the area and hopeto kill people without seeing them."What amazed me was the traditionalZaghawa defense system, organizedin a simple top-down structure:Sultan, Omda, Shiekh, Elders. Theyactually seem like decent people, butthey just don’t have the heavyweaponry to fight the army.(Although they do have the good ol’RPG, and Hari describes an RPGattack on an army jeep he and otherlocal kids were forced to guide. Whenthe locals hit the convoy with RPGs,body-pieces fly through the air and hegoes deaf for a week.)

When Hari’s village is sacked, heflees to Chad, starts hiring himself outas translator to correspondents head-ing into Darfur, and meets my old palNicholas Kristof, the man who stolemy line about Cheney being anIranian agent. Watch out, Daoud! Thatfucker’ll steal all your best materialand leave you to the Arab militias!

Well, Hari survives his Nickingonly to guide a National Geographicreporter into Sudan and get capturedby a rebel group that’s sold out. It’sback to prison, torture and mock exe-cutions for Hari, the Hawalya (white)reporter, and their driver Ali.

I have to say, Ali is the best charac-ter in the book. He’s hilarious: a cow-ardly, sullen, totally un-heroic chauf-feur who got into this mess Gilligan’sIsland style, convinced he’d make twodays’ pay for taking the crazy foreign-ers into Sudan for a three hour tour.Ali only cheers up when the Sudanesehelicopter carrying them to prisoncomes under rebel fire. Seriously, Aliis delighted that they’re all going todie--but they live, and he’s totallybummed out. Hari describes Ali’stime in prison in his usual great dead-pan style: "Ali was very certain thatwe would be taken away and hung orshot at every minute, and he looked ateach new day as an opportunity forthis." Even when Bill Richardsonfinally flies in to get them released,Ali is convinced that Richardson’sLearjet will only take them back toprison for more interrogation sessionswith the whips, jumper cables andsuch. I love the way Hari describesAli’s reaction: "He threw up severaltimes near Governor Richardson, whowas fine with it."

OK, I’m running out of space, sothat should do it. I’ve been readingthis Herodotus guy also, and he’s waybetter than I thought he’d be, but I’llsave it. Vacation time’s too short any-way. So many wars, so few billion-aires willing to pay me to sit aroundreading about them all day.

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WAR NERD SUMMER READING GUIDE

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MAY 29 - JUNE 12P. 6 THE EXILE

By Sean Guillory

ilia Shevtsova, a fellow atMoscow’s CarnegieCenter, called it a "bomb,which anywhere but inRussia would cause thecountry to collapse."

Writing in the New York Review ofBooks, Amy Knight called it "a dev-astating picture of Putin's eight yearsin the Kremlin." In the Daily Mail,Jonathan Dimbleby declared that ifsuch information was released aboutBritain, it "would certainly have pro-voked mass outrage, urgent officialinquiries and a major police investi-gation - if not the downfall of thegovernment."

What, pray tell, is this devastatingtoppler of governments? Why, it’sBoris Nemtsov and Vladimir Milov’sPutin - The Results: An IndependentExpert Report (2008).

Russia watchers might havealready heard about the liberaldynamic duo’s breakdown of Russiaafter eight years of Putin. If you’venever heard of them, Boris Nemtsovis the one-time "young reformer"deputy prime minister who used tomake Western journalists and IMFofficials swoon, while Milov is a for-mer deputy oil and gas minister dur-ing Putin’s first term; both Nemtsovand Milov served Putin early on, andboth eventually fell out of favor.

Their book’s back story involvedpolitical infighting, intrigue, andapparently produced a "hystericalreaction" in the Kremlin. Nemtsovand Milov’s account was said to besuch a political bomb that Nemtsovwas compelled to suspend his mem-bership in the liberal Union of RightForces party. "I didn’t want peoplewho are in our party to suffer in anyway from what is written in it,"Nemtsov recently told IvanovoNovosti. The authors even claim thatwe are lucky that Putin – The Resultsever saw the light. "Strong pressurefrom the Kremlin" made finding adistributor difficult and dashed theirhopes to shower the masses with100,000 copies. When all was saidand done, only 5,000 were printedand the only place willing to sell itwas the publisher, Novaya Gazeta, atits kiosk in Moscow. (Thanks to theinternet a copy can be downloaded atnemtsov.ru and a rather rushed andpoorly edited English translation isavailable on the anti-Putin windbagblog La Russophobe.)

With all the radiant praise, politicalintrigue, and apparent efforts tosquash its publication, I was reallyexpecting this book to blow me away.I was prepared for a complete con-version to Nemtsovism. After all,here are two Russian political insid-ers who probably have enough dirt toreally tar and feather Putin for good.Indeed, Putin – the Results tries to bethat kind of brutal screed, but sadly, it

falls way short. Though Nemtsov andMilov promise that the informationthey divulge is shocking, what youget instead is just a well-worn flip-flop of the official Putin line. All ofthe information they provide is aninversion of the Russian state’s pro-paganda.

The problem however isn’t whatthe book says. Explaining whatthey’re against is easy. The problemis when Nemtsov and Milov try toexplain what they actually and con-cretely stand for, and more impor-tantly, how they plan to achieve it.On this crucial point, Putin – TheResults has little to say. Except, thatis, to suggest turning back the clockand "breath[ing] new life into thereforms started in 1997." Yes, 1997was a very good year for Nemtsov,the year he went national and BorisYeltsin hinted that Nemtsov might behis successor. 1997 was good forNemtsov, but bad for about 145 mil-lion Russians not able to feed at theprivatization trough. Given the trau-ma the 1990s has left on the Russiabody politic, I doubt Nemtsov andMilov will find many takers.

Nevertheless, Nemtsov and Milovlook to shock the politically con-cerned citizen out of "Putin’s wintersleep." The biggest of these shocks isthe fact that in the last eight years"friends of President Putin" haveacquired de facto ownership ofRussia’s commanding heights. Thebest example is Gazprom, the creamof Russia’s economic crop. Over thelast three years, Nemtsov and Milovargue, "three important assets servic-ing the company’s cash flow havebeen transferred to third-party own-ership." From 2005 to 2006,Gazprom transferred $1 billion inassets from its insurance subsidySogaz, its $6 billion pension fund inGazfond, and unloaded GazpromMedia Group for a rock bottom priceof $166 million to Rossiia Bank (by2007, Gazprom Media worth wasestimated at $7.5 billion). RossiiaBank is run by a Putin "acquain-tance," Yuri Kovalchuk. Nemtsov andMilov list other fire sales which havelined the pockets of those who havepersonal connections to Putin. This"velvet re-privatization," as OlegShvartsman called it, shows thatPutin is "even more cunning than theoligarchs and other disciples of cor-ruption who parasited off the reformsof the 1990s." Oligarchs, that is,whom Nemtsov once served.

The ubiquity of corruption in theRussian system is only one of themany consequences of Putin’s rule.To demonstrate this, Nemtsov andMilov arm themselves with a litanyof statistics, examples, and facts toshow that the Russian military, thesocial welfare system, demographics,infrastructure, judiciary, foreign poli-cy, modernization, and economyhave pushed Russia to the brink ofcollapse. There is no need to retell

their presentation. Needless to say,the 12 chapters that make up thisreport shouldn’t shock anyone whopays attention to Russian politics.You can read about it almost every-day in the Russian press. AllNemtsov and Milov have done isprovide a handy primer.

While I don’t dispute Nemtsov andMilov’s facts, the only thing I foundshocking about Putin – The Resultswas that I was able to slog through itsseventy odd pages. Nemtsov andMilov’s text is no literary gem. Nor isit a masterpiece of social analysis.The main argument is so redundant,repetitive, and predictable that thereader gets the point around page two.Ultimately, the text fails to do what itsets out to do: to mobilize the readerinto action. On the one hand, thetedious prose anesthetizes the readerto its political shock value. On theother, the authors’ effort to paintthemselves as members of the collec-tive "we," who are hell bent on expos-ing Putin’s "authoritarian-criminalregime" comes across strained, evenat times hollow. After all, Nemtsov’sparty SPS backed Putin’s rise topower in 2000, while Milov helpeddraft Putin’s energy policies; more-over, Nemtsov already had a chancein government, and in that capacity heoversaw the total collapse of theRussian economy. Now he’s sayingthat Putin is bad because…he mighttrigger the same thing that Nemtsovtriggered?

Make no mistake, Nemstov andMilov may strive to connect with theaverage Russian with statements like"Russia is witnessing the rapid enrich-ment of a new and more powerfulPutin oligarch—at your expense andmine," but their class allegiancescome out loud and clear throughout.They are partisans of the Russian mid-dle class, specifically the urban, semi-intellectual, semi-politically engagedclass. This ephemeral Russian middleclass are the heroes of the story. Thepoor "drink more" and the wealthylive the "high life." In contrast, themiddle class is the archetype ofhealthy and productive living."Moderate use of alcohol and ahealthy lifestyle in general," theywrite, "is the way of the middle class."

The best example of their classismcomes through in their views onpronatalism. They knock Putin’s pol-icy to increase child birth as onlyenticing the poor to procreate. "Whois going to be encouraged to have achild because of a ‘maternal grant’ of250,000 rubles?" they ask."Obviously the very poor, lump-enized section of society." Indeed,for them "Russia does not need to

increase the numbers of its lumpen-proletarians. It needs to stimulatebirths in the active sections of soci-ety, in the middle class" (emphasismine).

What it boils down to is this:Nemtsov and Milov are elitist liber-als through and through. Forget theiridolization of market Bolshevism.Forget their anti-Putinism. Forgettheir fetishism of democracy. Theirtrue character comes through in lan-guage which paints "writing downmortgage debt" for the middle classas a "clever means" to stimulatechildbirth, while measures for the"lumpen-proletariat" are merely"handouts." Luckily for them,Russia’s middle class is growingrapidly. Some analysts say that themiddle class is around 25 percent ofthe population. This is up from amere 7 percent in 2001.Unfortunately for them, this newmiddle class of Russians owes noth-ing to Nemtsov and Milov and every-thing to Putin.

This is not to suggest that Putinand his ilk are anymore sincere intheir populism. The bodies andminds of the lumpen have alwaysbeen the object of elite class powerstruggles; the only differencebetween Putin and his liberal oppo-nents is that Putin is more successfulin playing the populist card. Nemtsovjust can’t shake his "reformist" bag-gage, making his paeans todemokratiia, no matter how sincere,always ring (and smell) likedermokratiia, or shitocracy.

In fact, the analysis in Putin – TheResults reminds me of American lib-eral rants which use the destitution ofthe poor as a platform from which tocast demons and moral indignity onBush. Like their American counter-parts who see Bush as the all-encom-passing Evil, Nemtsov and Milov’sstory is based in a similar reductionof all Russia’s ills to one man: Putin.The reason for Russia’s widespreadcorruption? Putin. Russia’s poorhealth and demographic crisis?Putin. The potholes in Russia’sroads? Putin. Putin. Putin. Putin. Itall sounds strangely Oedipal whenyou think of it. Nemtsov and Milovmust slay the Father (Putin) in orderto lay with the Mother (the middleclass or Russia writ large).

So Oedipal in fact that Nemtsovand Milov’s Putin obsession makesme wonder if they actually swallowthe Kremlin’s own bullshit aboutitself, albeit in an inverted form. Thebullshit being that Putin is a NationalLeader, an omnipotent force, theRussian alpha and omega, whosetouch can turn shit into gold and vice

versa. Because if Nemtsov and Milovcan hold Putin responsible for all ofRussia’s ills, then surely they thinkhe has the power to heal them. Howelse do you explain a statement like"Under Putin, authoritarianism tri-umphed without any modernization."The implication here is that sincePutin possesses the former, he cer-tainly can accomplish the latter. Allhe has to do is point his bony littlefinger and watch his sycophants runin hysterical circles, eagerly fulfillinghis every whim.

Yet, anyone who knows anythingabout Russia, recognizes all too wellthat Putin’s "vertical power" is amyth. The Kremlin is riddled withinfighting. The security organs arerife with graft, theft, and gangster-ism. The bureaucracy remains animmovable force. Provincial Russiais littered with fiefdoms run by localnotables. Just because Putin usesauthoritarian measures doesn’tmean he has control nor does it sig-nify their effectiveness. Usually itindicates just the opposite.

At some level you have to feelsorry for ol’ VVP. He’s just as mucha victim of the system as he is itsaxis (Once Medvedev gets his sealegs he’ll find out the same thing).He has no omnipotent power; in factthe power he does posses is on vir-tual loan from the political elitesthat prop him up. Who’s the masterand who is the puppet is always con-tingent and conditional. WhatNemtsov and Milov ultimately missis that the problem isn’t just Putinand his immediate circle; it’s theclass of power elites with theirentrenched capillary system ofpatron-client networks that is thebigger issue.

It is this reality that makesNemtsov and Milov’s cries fordemocratization, while commend-able, feel so hollow. True, Russiansneed and deserve many of the thingsthey advocate. But calls for the "therule of law, freedom of speech, andthe genuine right to elect and beelected" are pretty obvious to thepoint of being trite. Once again, thenagging question is: What is to bedone? How will Russians realizethese? Will it take a mass politicalmovement or political party? A rev-olution? Or simply voting forNemtsov and Milov and their liberalidea? On these questions Putin – theResults is silent. It is this silencethat makes Viktor Tsoi’s lyrics, "wewill move forward," evoke bewil-derment rather than hope. For, thequestion is not about the need oreven the desire to move forward.The question is "How?"

NEMTSOV’S WHITE PAPER: BOMBSHELL OR DUD? A review of “Putin - The Results: An Independent Expert Report”

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"Matt Taibbi is the best Americanjournalism has to offer. As The GreatDerangement shows, he hasabsolutely no shred of fear in con-fronting the corruption that plaguesour government and exploring thedesperation that is rising in America.And somehow, he pulls it off whilemaking us simultaneously weep insorrow and laugh our asses off."

— David Sirota, 2008

"David Sirota is honest, uncompro-mising, passionate, and a brilliantcommunicator. He is the most impor-tant progressive voice we have in thiscountry. "The Uprising" should beread by anyone who wants to under-stand exactly how the ordinary per-son has been sold out by the politicalsystem."

– Matt Taibbi, 2008

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P. 7 THE EXILE MAY 29 - JUNE 12

By Jared Lindquistexileradio@gmail.com

umor has it that Apelsinis closing on June 1.Either the concert hall, orthe whole place, orsomething. For good or

for remont, I have no idea.Supposedly the rumored last concertwill be a rehash of last year’s Stop theSilence fest: Sweden’s SOUNDS

LIKE VIOLENCE and Germany’sTHE ROBOCOP KRAUS (May 31,Apelsin, 21:00). The indie kids dug itlast summer, and this gig is set to startaround the time Avant Fest ends, soexpect to see a whole ton of taxis dri-ving from the industrial wasteland atBaumanskaya over to Apelsin’s giantphallic bowling pin.

Russia’s answer to MTV is MUZ-

TV, which somehow manages to com-bine the stupidity of the American net-work with a level of Russian idiocythat makes the channel painful towatch (on a side note, one of the chan-nel’s most popular VJs was spottedrubbing shoulders with the peons atthe Mayakovskaya Starlite). It alsomakes for a surprisingly odd line-upfor their MUZ-TV AWARDS (June 6,Olimpisky, 19:00) ceremony.Nominally headlining (meaning play-ing two songs) will be JENNIFER

LOPEZ, probably making less moneythan she would by playing at an oli-garch’s wedding. Actor JARED

LETO’s foray into musical ineptitude,the horrible 30 SECONDS TO

MARS, will also play a couple of theear-torturing jams. Likewise, a dozenRussian "artists" will also be on handto insult anyone with taste.

I get the feeling that somehow Ishould be familiar with at least one ofsoul singer MACY GRAY’s (June 7,B1 Maximum, 21:00) songs, but noth-ing rings a bell. In any case, she’s wona Grammy, sold some records, and isapparently one of the most innovativechicks in R&B today.

Along with STEVE VAI and YNG-

WIE MALMSTEEN, JOE SATRI-

ANI (June 8, B1 Maximum, 20:00) isat the forefront of the douchebag gui-tar wanker movement. I think it is fairto say that I hate anyone who is goingto this gig.

Much more interesting – and tonsmore weird – is that American rapperXZIBIT (June 8, Tushino, 21:00) issupposed to be playing at the aero-drome. This is kind of unconfirmed,but I saw it online, and the net doesn’tlie. There is apparently a car showgoing on all week, so I guess it wouldmake sense for the man behind "PimpMy Ride" to perform.

Those of you into weird electroexperiments would do well to check

out the ADVANCED MUSIC festival(June 11, GazGallery, 23:00), featur-ing a whole bunch of wacky peoplewhose music I don’t quite get. All ofthem seem to hail from down under,where they’re big names in electro,mash-ups, and the like: BUMBLE-

BEEZ, LADYHAWKE, AJAX, SIN-

DEN and BANG GANG DJS.Should be good if you can get past feiskontrol.

When Britpop made a comeback inthe US in the mid-90s, I never reallygot into THE CHARLATANS (June12, B1 Maximum, 19:00), but as thiscity eats up anything Britpop, this gigshould be huge, if not boring. They’resupported by fellow Brits DIRTY

PRETTY THINGS, which are ex-LIBERTINES, only not featuringPETE DOHERTY. Locals MANI-

CURE and THE WHITE TRAIN-

ERS COMMUNITY open.Conversely, you could head over to

see URIAH HEEP (June 12,Luzhniki, 19:00) play a stadium.Dinosaur rock acts like this couldbarely fill Apelsin a few months back,but now under the new "president,"looks like we’ll be seeing their likes instadiums for the next few years.

Something a bit more interesting isPortuguese electro band BURAKA

SOM SISTEMA (June 12, 16 Tons,23:00). They take Angolan Kuduromusic and electro it up. Unusual, atleast.

Assuming summer ever arrives, andyou want to chill out in the wilderness,feel free to get stuck in traffic drivingout to the USADBA JAZZ festival(June 13-14, Arkhangelskoe, 16:00).Day one features Z-STAR, KARL

DENSON, RED ELVIES and manymore, while day two gravitates aroundTHE BRAND NEW HEAVIES andBILLY COBHAM.

What a sad childhood Israeli viaSouth Africa singer YOAV (June 13,B2, 23:00) must have had: he had tosneak into neighbours’ houses in orderto listen to fucking WHAM records.Now he’s kind of a light pop singer.His parents must be proud.

Those of you that enjoy seeingdudes press play on CD players will behappy to know that famous DJ CARL

COX (June 13, Gaudi Arena, 23:00) isreturning to town. This time he bringswith him NIGEL DAWSON andDANIELE DAVOLI. A host ofRussian DJs will also be spinning.Fun?

Although Radio Maximum tries topresent itself at the forefront of cut-ting-edge modern rock, it’s annualMAXIDROM festival (June 14,Olimpisky, 19:00) tells a differentstory. This year’s headliner is lame-oAmerican "rocker" LENNY

KRAVITZ, with support coming formLatvians BRAINSTORM and localsDELFIN and BI-2. Yawn.

Back at the auto show on the out-skirts of town, super-DJ PAUL VAN

DYK (June 14, Tushino, 20:00) and ahost of others whose names don’t ringany bells with me will be spinningrecords. I guess it could be fun if theweather is ok.

However, I think that weird minimaltechno guy MATZAK (June 14, 16Tons, 23:00) will be much more inter-esting. Plus, it’s indoors in case theweather blows.

Also, apparently in advance ofher stadium show a couple dayslater, KYLIE MINOGUE (June14, Rai, 23:00) will be making a"secret" appearance at Moscow’selitny-est club.

TOP PICKS

NEPHEWIkraJune 4, 20:00While most Moscow promoters are contentwith bringing you what they already knowyou’ll eat up, Ikra tends to be the one clubthat is willing to take the occasional risk.The thing is, the club has such a cult fol-lowing at this point, that all they need to dois say, basically, "look, we know more aboutmusic than you do, and have an idea ofwhat you’ll like before you even know your-self." Fair enough, then, that their nextexperiment is Denmark’s Nephew, who areapparently huge in their homeland. Theyplay melodic rock with a bit of a synth hereand there, for a very pleasant indie rocksound that Ikra tries to describe as some-where between Depeche Mode, Interpol andMuse. Give it a chance. Like, it may justbecome the most talked about gig of thesummer. Seriously, dude.

PJ HARVEYMKhAT im. GorkogoJune 5, 19:00Sometime in the mid-90s, chick singersseemed inescapable. Tori Amos. Liz Phair.Alanis fucking Morisette. Some of them hada decent song, but rarely anything to keep uscaring ten years later. Britain’s PJ Harveyhas managed to create compelling music forover a decade, though, perhaps by makingsure to continue associating with musiciansand producers who are forward-thinking:Steve Albini, Flood, Nick Cave, and others. Inany case, Polly Jane’s latest record tonsdown the alt-rock fuzz that graced some ofher earlier work and goes for an all-pianobasis. One of Moscow’s smallest and mostintimate venues should certainly be the rightplace to see her, if you can get a ticket. LosAngeles shoegazers Autolux open.

DILLINGER ESCAPE PLANTochkaJune 14, 19:00Sometime around the turn of the century,technical metal crossed with hardcore tobecome the oddly named mathcore.Basically this meant that pummeling musicwas very complex, not the simple threechords and a distortion pedal. At the fore-front of the scene was New Jersey’sDillinger Escape Plan. Now, over ten yearsand numerous personnel changes, they’remaking their first visit to Moscow. Expectbrutal music, tons of screaming, and whoknows what else in the way of antics – attimes the band has brought along lightshows and fire breathers on tour. Sadly,one-time replacement vocalist Mike Pattonwill not be joining them, so it looks unlikelythey will be playing their classic Aphex Twin"Come to Daddy" cover.

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ROCKSunsay (5Nizza)21.00: IkraB-220.00: ApelsinMoonspell20.30: TochkaCrystal Castles (US/Canada)22.00: 16 Tonn

JAZZ & BLUESJazz Piano, Olga Aref’eva20.00: B-2Vadim Ivaschenko & Boneshakers,Mishuris21.00: Roadhouse

CLUBBIN’Javybz DJs, Epik Soundsystem: Gatek.Old Dog Nikolaev, Komotsky21.00: PropogandaDJs Arshanitsa, Anrilov23.59: IkraDJs Ariel, Tuzov00.30: B-2DJs Carlos, Tico, Amie, Michelangelo,Pilot21.00: Karma Bar

ROCKHui Zabey20.00: IkraAuktsion23.00: B-27 Rasa21.00:16 TonnSound Like Violence (Sweden) & TheRobocop Kraus (Germany)21.00: ApelsinTokio20.00: Tochka

JAZZ & BLUESOld Fashion Blues & Soul Project21.00: RoadhouseJazz Piano, Sergey Manukyan20.00: B-2

CLUBBIN’Steppin’ Session: Nookie&MC Five Alive(UK), Icicle (NL), Mark OD (UK) andothers21.00: IkraDJs Soulmate, Pushkarev, Da Vinci,Izhevskiy21.00: PropagandaDJs Johny, Tuzov00.30: B-2DJs Ada, Amie, Artem Shevchenko,Slava Shelest21.00: Karma Bar

ROCKUnite Music Party: Private Radio, KolaKid18.00: TochkaNike Borzov & Korney21.00: Ikra

Argument 5.45, Changes, Loa Loa,Optimus Prime, Ray19.00: Tabula Rasa

JAZZ & BLUESAnastasia Glazkova20.00: B-2Open Blues Jam18.00: Roadhouse

CLUBBIN’DJ Shum20.00: IkraDJsMarcus, Lyube, Shved21.00: Karma Bar

ROCKNasha Liniya, Kaffein18.30: Tochka

JAZZ & BLUESJazz Piano21.00: B-2Dr. Nick & Friends21.00: Roadhouse

CLUBBIN’DJ Scientifique21.00: Ex-Crisis ZhanraDJ Partyphone21.00: Propaganda

ROCKTarantul, Spetsialisti, Novaya Era18.30: Tochka

JAZZ & BLUESJumping Cats21.00: Roadhouse

CLUBBIN’DJs ZigZag,Philla21.00: PropagandaDJ Cross21.00: Ex-Crisis ZhanraDJs Goatika Creative Lab20.00: B-2

ROCKNephew (Denmark)21.00: IkraAC/DC Forever Festival19.30: B-2Vis Vitalis21.00: 16 Tonn

JAZZ & BLUESEdelveis21.00: B-2Hard Day’s Nigh Parties19.00: Roadhouse

CLUBBIN’Old Dog Nikolaev, DJs Ladjak & MC BigBad Ragga Man21.00: PropagandaHome Listening DJs

21.00: Ex-Crisis ZhanraDJ Spirin@Rock’n’Roll Radio21.30: Ikra

ROCKThe Amatol21.00: B-2Stvoli21.00: 16 TonnLazy Bitches21.00: IkraModul19.00: Tabula Rasa

JAZZ & BLUESSabina Vartanova21.00: B-2Off Beat21.00: Roadhouse

CLUBBIN’DJs Studinskiy, Sanches, Zorkin,Kompass-Vrubell21.00: PropagandaDJ Ivan Tchizevsky21.00: Ex-Krisis ZhanraDJ Shum20.00: IkraHome Listening DJs21.00: B-2DJs Carlos Tico, Amie, Marcus, Andy21.00: Karma Bar

ROCKLeningrad21.00: B1 MaximumLavanda21.00: IkraMechtat21.00: 16 TonnGDR21.00: B-2Kukriniksi22.30: 16 Tonn

JAZZ & BLUESBelleville, Anatoliy Schast’ev & LosMachos21.00: B-2Blackmailers Blues Band21.00: Roadhouse

CLUBBIN’Javybz DJs, DJs Philla, Studinsky21.00: PropagandaDJs Saltikov, Shevtsov, Tehnik, Koreets,Saltikov23.00: FabriqueDJs Budnyak, Ksuha LW21.00: Ex-Crisis ZhanraDJs Carlos, Tico, Amie, Michelangelo,Pilot21.00: Karma Bar

ROCKKrematoriy22.30: Tochka

Types, French Whore NAmed Babette,Blast23.00: Ex-Crisis ZhanraGorod 31223.00: B-2Macy Gray (US)21.00: B1 MaximumEdipov Komplex, Peter Freudenthalerfrom Foll’s Garden (Germany)21.00: 16 TonnDelfin20.00: Ikra

JAZZ & BLUESJazz Piano, Armen Petrosyan20.00: B-2Jazz Sisters, Mishuris21.00: Roadhouse

CLUBBIN’DJs Kovalev, Karina20.00: IkraDJs Philla, Da Vinci, Dolshik21.00: PropagandaDJs Valio, Volodya21.00: Ex-Crisis ZhanraDJs Jonny, Tuzov00.30: B-2DJs Saltikov,Fashion, Fenix, Losev23.00: FabriqueDJs Ada, Amie, Artem Shevchenko,Slava Shelest21.00: Karma Bar

ROCKWhite Trainers Community, TheAbsolutes, Pozitiva, New Superstitions19.00: FabriqueBlondinka Ksyu19.00: TochkaJoe Satriani (US)20.00: B1 Maximum

JAZZ & BLUESAnastasia Glazkova21.00: B-2

Open Blues Jam18.00: Roadhouse

CLUBBIN’DJs Anatoly Ice, Miami, Tony Key20.00: PropagandaSunday R’N’R Lounge21.00: Ex-Crisis ZhanraDJ Shum20.00: IkraDJsMarcus, Lyube, Shved21.00: Karma Bar

JAZZ & BLUESJazz Piano21.00:B-2Dr. Nick & Friends21.00: Roadhouse

CLUBBIN’DJ Partyphone21.00: PropagandaDJ Scientifique21.00: Ex-Crisis ZhanraLatino Non Stop

20.00: B-2

ROCKSaint Metal Fest19.00: Tabula Rasa

JAZZ & BLUESHaleo21.00: B-2Jumping Cats21.00: Roadhouse

CLUBBIN’DJs ZigZag, Anatoliy Gerasimov, Philla21.00: PropagandaDJ Cross21.00: Ex-Crisis Zhanra

ROCKDans Ramblers, Monsieur Sanbeyovich,Lost Weekend23.00: Ex-Crisis ZhanraOkean Elzi (Ukraine)21.00: B1 Maximum

JAZZ & BLUESJazz Piano, Irina Bogushevskaya20.00: B-2Blues sittin’-in21.00: Roadhouse

CLUBBIN’DJ Philla, Studinskiy, Old Dog Nikolaev21.00: PropagandaDJs Valoi, Volodya21.00: Ex-CrisisDJs Saltikov, Borisov, Ivanov,Fenix,Strontsiy23.00: Fabrique

JAZZ & BLUESCharlatans, Th eDirty Pretty Things(UK)19.00: B1 MaximumEast End, The White TrainersCommunity, The Types23.00: Ex-Crisis ZhanraMasha i Medvedi & Nike Borzov22.00: TochkaKirpichi21.00: IkraBuraka Som Sistema 21.00: 16 Tonn

JAZZ & BLUESJazz Piano, Paporotnik, SergeyManukyan20.00: B-2

CLUBBIN’DJs Valio, Volodya21.00: Ex-CrisisDJs Turbomax, Fashion,Fenix, Skvaer23.00: FabriqueDJ Shum20.00: Fabrique

THURSDAYJune 12

WEDNESDAYJune 11

TUESDAYJune 10

MONDAYJune 9

SUNDAYJune 8

SATURDAYJune 7

FRIDAYJune 6

THURSDAYJune 5

WEDNESDAY June 4

TUESDAYJune 3

MONDAYJune 2

SUNDAYJune 1

SATURDAYMay 31

FRIDAYMay 30

by Eileen Jones

he first couple of scenes inIndiana Jones and theKingdom of the CrystalSkull are good. I mean,really good. I was nevermore shocked than when I

was sitting there in the theater havingto revise all my expectations at amoment’s notice: "Oh my gosh,Spielberg might’ve actually made agood film again! It’s happening, righthere, right now, after all theseyears…!"

It was too wonderful to be true, ofcourse, and the movie soon turnedinto just what you’d expect, a big-budget, corny, by-the-numbers sequeldesigned to please legions of nostal-gic fans. But those first scenes, I’mtelling you, presuming I wasn’t hav-

ing some sort of fantastic dream, werereminiscent of those long-ago StevenSpielberg genre films that made himfamous in the first place.

This fourth Indiana Jones film,let’s call it Indy IV, opens with a flat-out exhilarating drag-race scene inthe harsh American desert between acarload of 1950s teenagers and thelead vehicle in a long, formidable USArmy caravan. So beautifully andunerringly shot, lit, cast, and edited,that it looks like a collectiveAmerican fever dream of our insanepost-World War II past, this bizarrerace makes your heart thump withuncertainty. Is it going to end in com-edy or tragedy, or split the difference?Will the soldiers and teenagers haveone of those populist joyrides togeth-er and then amicably go their separateways, or will the speeding teens windup dead in a ditch, or will the soldiersopen fire for sinister reasons yet to berevealed, or…? Spielberg plays so

many complicated chords you can’tbe sure. David Lynch himself would-n’t be ashamed to claim a few ofthose chords.

But wait, there’s more. Soon afterthat, there’s a sequence I won’t ruinfor you that involves Area 51 andIndiana Jones (Harrison Ford) surviv-ing a nuclear blast, mushroom cloudand all. Hot damn, here we go, Ithought. I’ve had the basic training inAmerican film noir, and when thepost-war hero survives a version ofhis own death, look out. You’re in forsomething. For one brief shiningmoment I really believed thatSpielberg had finally decided to damnall commercial certainties to hell andrealize his vast talents in one riskylate-career enterprise.

Wrong again. What happens instead is that

Indiana Jones gets embroiled in the

whipsawing global forces of the ColdWar 1950s and winds up having atypical Indiana Jones adventure as aresult. He leaves his teaching job(booted out by anti-Communistwitch-hunters), and goes questing fora treasure (the ancient crystal skull,one of thirteen that supposedly havesupernatural powers), while chasedby bad guys (humorless Boris-and-Natasha type Russian Reds led byCate Blanchett, who’s very fetchingin her blue uniform and evil-womanblack bob). Along the way he inter-acts with cronies who may or not beon his side, all played by the bestactors money can buy (JimBroadbent, John Hurt, RayWinstone). The young sidekick, con-sidered a necessity now that Ford isan old actor, is motorcycle-riding‘50s greaser Mutt Williams, playedby Shia LeBeoef. LeBeoef is in loadsof movies lately (Disturbia,Transformers) and is some sort of

star, I’m told. You’d never know it tolook at him. Every mall in Americacould disgorge a hundred guys just asunexciting as he is. But then, the bor-ing star—an oxymoron, but a flour-ishing species nevertheless—is some-thing of a Hollywood specialty thesedays.

The nostalgic capper of Indy IV isthe return of Karen Allen as MarionRavenwood. Not seen in the franchisesince the first and best Indiana Jonesmovie, Raiders of the Lost Ark(1981), Allen still has the knack oflooking like a real human being. It’s atestimony to her refreshing qualitiesthat Indy’s replacement love interestin the sequel, Indy II: The Temple ofDoom (1984), was bound to beregarded as a hated interloper, even ifshe’d been a lot better than the highlyuntalented Kate Capshaw (now Mrs.Spielberg). Dumping Karen Allenamounted to an early warning signthat Spielberg was losing it. BecauseAllen, idiosyncratically lovely andoddly tough for such a slender, big-eyed girl, was proof of Spielberg’ssure hand in those early years when itcame to casting. Back then he couldreally pick ‘em. Unknown or obscureactors were given their first importantfilm roles (Karen Allen, RoyScheider, Drew Barrymore); well-known actors were given some oftheir greatest roles (RichardDreyfuss, Robert Shaw, DennisWeaver); and small or bit-part actors,or even extras, did the most consis-tently memorable work since FrankCapra used to direct crowd sceneslike a maestro.

Just think about Jaws. (As a gener-al rule, when you’re depressed aboutmovies, or America, or life, just thinkabout Jaws. It really helps.) Everyactor in that film is perfectly cast,from Roy Scheider as Martin Brodydown to the fat man on the beach.Remember the mother of the boykilled by the shark, wearing her blackmourning veil that flutters in thebreeze as she walks up to Brody andslaps him in the face? Of course youdo. It’s a great performance, in a

great film. Jaws is a masterpiece thatcan stand up to cinephile scrutiny,every frame of it.

Which leads us to the burningquestion: what happened to StevenSpielberg?

Nobody ever had a surer sense ofcamera movement, a more extensivearsenal of shots, better control overthe editing process, fiercer dedica-tion to Hollywood filmmaking prac-tices. He was born to make greatgenre films. He’s enjoyed total cre-ative control for decades. And hecan still knock out a scene or asequence that’ll rock you, usually atthe beginning of his films, only todash your hopes and break yourheart when the whole thing runsaground. He’ll power up the super-sonic engine of the D-Day sequencein Saving Private Ryan, then hitch itto the creaking, lumbering, ten-tonwagonload of lugubrious clichОsthat make up the rest of the film.He’ll take on a fabulous project likeA.I. or Minority Report, and make itseem as if this time he’s really, real-ly going to go for it….and thenwe’re back to the stultifying sell-outtriteness, fake emotionalism, andCGI bloat that have come to charac-terize all Spielberg movies, as well

as all Spielbergish movies by direc-tors who’ve been imitating him for ageneration. The monstrously syn-thetic Tom Cruise is now the perfectstar for every Spielberg orSpielbergish film, and it’s impossi-ble to make a more damning state-ment than that.

At the very end of Indy IV,Spielberg pays tribute to the 1963Roger Corman sci-fi thriller, TheMan With the X-ray Eyes. (In gener-al, Spielberg seems to be in a trib-ute-paying mood in Indy IV. Lots ofshowy film references throughout.)It’s a painful comparison, becausethat film was made on a tiny budgetand is a powerhouse of Cold Warterror, whereas Spielberg’s re-cre-ation of the X-ray Eyes sequence hasno impact at all, other than provid-ing the idle amusement of watchinga river of money flow by in celluloidform. In general, that is the one con-sistent quality that Spielberg main-tains in his films over the decades.Even when all his inventivenessfails, which it generally does a half-hour into each film, he’s still got zil-lion-dollar budgets to coast on.

And I guess we can assume that’swhat happened to Steven Spielberg.He’s too rich and famous to be good.

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

T

MOVIE REVIEW

CALENDAR

1171

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers:Ginormous new bar-club in the up-and-coming Savvinskaya Nab. Row,opened up by Kostya of Dacha fame, and the publisher of this newspa-per and NeSpat’. Huge bar, with several sub-bars on the first floor andupper deck. Also live bands play on the upper deck, and you can hide outin the VIPthere. Prices reasonable, music so far shows impressive range,from Peter Hook (ex-JoyDivision/New Order) to DJOjo and others. Jeers: Feis kontrol wouldn’t let in under-21 dyevs, leading us to wonder:sincewhen is this the fucking US?! Taxi predators ream you here. Coat checktoo small to handle the large crowds--hopefully they have that worked outby now.

M:SportivnayaAddress:Savvinskaya Nab. 21Phone:740-5583Hours: As many as you can handle

Aktovy Zal

★★ ★

Cheers:We caught a recent Saturday night gig packed full of bearded types andintelligent-looking chicks. Moscow’s premiere indie spot! Aktovy Zalpacks in non-stop local and international indie acts every week fromThursday to Sunday. There ain’t no other place you’re gonna anythingcloser to indie than here. Jeers:Way out in the boondocks by the thrid ring means you really have to planto go here.Cover: cheap, depends on the concertM: BaumanskayaPhone: 265-3935Address: Perevedenovsky per., 18Hours: 8 to late, depends on shows

Apelsin

★★ ★ ★

Cheers:eXile alert! Rumored to be closing June 1, so get your gig on while youstill can. Concert hall has great sound, and gets some of the best showsin town, from indie faves like Mogwai all the way up to dinosaur rockerslike Nazareth. Easily one of the best live venues in town. Has bowling andother things to keep you busy before or after a show. Concert hall has in’sand out’s so you can easily slip out to toke in the courtyard of a neighbor-ing gothic cathedral. Jeers: About a year ago it was pulling the best—by Moscow standards—bandsand packing a crowd. Now it’s so empty, the bartenders started bringingreading material to work. Sovok bartender alert! Bartender poured us abeer then refused to serve us because he didn’t have change. Pack your100R notes, cuz they can’t break anything higher. Guards force everyoneto leave 10 minutes after a show ends. Seems far from the solar system,even if it isn’t. VIPseating insanely far from the stage, and one of the fewplaces that has blocked views. Small entrance means you may be stuckin line to enter or exit. Cover: depends on the concertM: BarrikadnayaPhone: 253-0253Address: Ul. Malaya Gruzinskaya 15Hours: 12:00 - 05:00

B1 Maximum

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers:Still has no soul and can ruin many gigs with its vast cold vibe, but serviceis improving. You no longer have to stand 30 min. in line for an overpriceddrink. Image of Gogol Bordello frontman Eugent Hutz piggybacking onB1’s asshole bouncers when they tried to stop the fun is STILL the imageof the year.Multiple bars make it easy to get a drink if the club is relativelyempty, which is a mixed blessing. The Chemical Brothers show was arare perfect match for this place, with the best light/video show we’ve seenin a while.

Jeers: Lindquist and Levine tried leaving about 1 minute into NoFX’s set but theconcert was so oversold it took about 30 minutes to get the fuck out.What’s more the whole eXile team got kicked out of the VIP zone becausethey ran out of VIP bracelets. We haven’t seen bathrooms this nasty sinceLeningradsky Vokzal. Has absolutely no atmosphere whatsoever. Cover: depends on the concertM: Leninsky Prospekt / ShabolovskayaPhone: 648-6777Address: Ul. Ordzhonikidze 11Hours: 18:00 - 06:00

B2

★★ ★ ★

Cheers:It took B1 Maximum to make B2 seem like a cool indie club. One of theonly places to attract any sort of crowd on Sundays. Good place if U like‘em young and impressionable. Cheap, giant venue that kicks butt whenit’s full. Good live acts. Three different restaurants, including reasonablypriced sushi, under one roof. Music doesn’t impede conversation in therestaurants, but is loud enough to not have to make the effort to think ofanything to say. Jeers: Easily some of the most sovok and least service-oriented staff in town.Prices may seem bizarre considering that this is supposed to be a diverock club. Suffering from multiple-personality disorder. Empties out earlyeven on weekends. Cover: dependsM: MayakovskayaPhone: 209-9918Address: Bolshaya Sadovaya ul. 8

Barfly

★★ ★

Cheers: Recent 4AM visit saw off-duty Help bartenders gettin’ down, so Uknow they mix the drinks well here!After a long n ight of drinking

and not getting drunk, the whiskey-colas really starte hitting ushere! Drunken dyev factor on the rise, and you know if a girl’s par-tying here she’s ready fo’ anything! Asking the barman to get cre-ative can have serious consequences... Killer underground diverun by the same folks who brought you den of debaucheryMcCoys. From the looks of it, folks’ll be drinking just as much here.Part of the million-cocktails-to-choose-from wave launched byHelp. Little frames cover the walls with descriptions of the drinksavailable. Tasty and cheap menu that lets U decide what goes inyour noodle dish. Jeers: eXile alert! Barfly is apparently so popular now that you have tobook a table to get in. Yes, U heard us right:Uhave to book a tableat a fucking dive bar. Service and noodles not at the level weremembered. Crowd can be Prague-like in that faux-boho sort ofway. The best ad yet for NY’s anti-smoking laws; an evening hereis the equivalent of a three-pack a day habit for a year. Crowded,but little in the way of babes on recent weekend visit. M:ChekhovskayaAddress: Strastnoi blvr. 6 str. 2Phone:209-2779Hours: 24 hours

Bourbon Street

★ ★ ★★

Cheers: Agood place to chill with one whiskey, one scotch, and one beerat the bar, or sit at a table with a friend or two, but don’t comeexpecting to make friends or lift out of your depression. Lately it’sbeen feeling even more dead than usual, but whatever, it’s August.The management had a come-to-Jesus talk with staff after webusted them playing techno, making this one of the most cus-tomer-friendly bars this side of the NATO divide.This little still-undiscovered "neighborhood dive" offers some unusually wildentertainment when you least expect it. Deceptively humbleveneer hides all sorts of sexual shenanigans which Ames and hischick both witnessed and participated in ... We were about tocomplain that the music’s too loud, but then we rememberedthat’s how dives oughta be! Jeers: Often has a “feised at Propka” vibe. Gets uncomfortably packedon weekends. eXpat galore. Kitchen could use a little “umph.”M:Kitai GorodPhone: 980-1058 Address: Bol. Zlatoustinsky Per. 7/1 (next to Propaganda)Hours: nearly all of ‘em

Booze Bub

★ ★ ★

Cheers:Gets TOTALLYpacked on weekends, making this an ideal pre-party venue for those hitting Tema next door. Pissed off thatthere’s not a single Thurs. night go-to bar that actually has chicks?Then Bub’s your answer. Recent Thursday night visit revealed aplace packed with easy, desperate student and secretary dyevs.Recently opened by the Help/Tema crew, which is a already agood sign. Located next door to Tema, if you need a break fromthe Duck-esque atmosphere there. Spacious bar and good cock-tails. Combines the intimacy of an Irish pub with the spaciousnessof a German bierhall. Their beer really does taste better.Jeers: Sovok vest-wearing grampa tried facing eXile editors Zaitchik andYasha during a recent visit. We’re used to getting feised by goons,but this was something different, and somehow more humiliating.Recent Saturday evening visit found BB totally empty, but we weretold that in order to sit down we would need to make a reservationa week in advance. WTF? Needless to say, we went somewherethat actually wanted our money. A tad bit phallocentric on a recentvisit. May need some time to get packed full of the reasons we liketo visit Help and Tema. M:Chistye PrudyAddress: Potapovsky Per. 5, bld. 2Phone:621-4717Hours: Round the clock

Cafe Royal

★ ★

Cheers: Man, oh man! This was Katz’s last review. Brings a tear to our eyes

just thinking about it. What did she have to say about it? Well, it’sa basement jazz/blues club with constant live acts. If you’re into thiskind of scene, then you’ll probably like it. It’s got a wide selction offood, rooms that you can rent out for parties. Royal’s informal feeland the large schools of aging snappers it draws will makeAmerican women feel especially comfortable here...Jeers: ...and we’re not sure that’s a good thing.Cover:Depends on who’s playingM:Chistye PrudyPhone: 607-0969, 607-9172Address: Ashcheulov per., 9Hours: 12PM to 6AMWebsite: www.caferoyal.ru

Club XIII

★★ ★★ ★★★

Cheers: You can go home again! Girls will sometimes hit on you just forbeing a foreigner! XIII’s got a good thing goin’, with raunchycaberet shows, teetering ladies, and just enough face control tomake you feel like you achieved something by getting in!LastSaturday XIII was on, catching a good niche somewhere betweenFabrique and Leto, though closer to Fabrique (thank god).Selection of E’d out and liquored up chicks spotted here. Ames gotcoralled into a rather suggestive freaking bout with a hot offdutybargirl from a certain Swedish nightclub. The club that set thestandard and opened the era of elitny giant nightclubs is back aftera several-year hiatus. Top notch DJs, friendly girls, not quite asgrotesquely elitny as Leto, makes this a good alternative toFabrique, esp if you’re tired of the latter’s crowds and petty thieves.Jeers: Recent Shalya-less party was duller than a Death Porn kitchenknife. Very very pricy drinks. We kind of miss, in retrospect, thedark opium dens, where anything could and did happen. M: Chisty PrudyAddress:Myasnitskaya 13Hours:Wed-Sun, 10pm - 6am

Crazy Milk

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: It’s one of those places, you know, the kind that’s like a good film.If we told you why it’s so good, we’d be spoiling all the fun you’dhave if you actualy went there. And you have to go. But we’ll giveyou a hint: there are captive birds in the bathrooms that sing songsof freedom.Jeer: Milk should not be crazy, but rather pasturized. You might thinkyou’ve died and gone to middle manager heaven. M: DobryninskayaPhone: 230-7333Address: Bolshaya Polyanka ul., 54/1Website: www.crazymilk.ru

Denis Simachev Bar

★ ★★★ ★★

Cheers: eXile alert! DS showed its humane side by waving wheelchair-bound eXile editor Yasha Levine through face control. At first wegave this place two stinky thumbs down, but now we’ve recon-sidered. We now proclaim DS the best elitny dive in town! If you’veseen the Sochi Olympics ads running on CNN, then you might rec-ognize the Rice Rocket bike done up in a Russian folk design paintjob that was featured in the ad and is now permanently chained toDS’s entrance. Even Simachev is doing his part to make Russia’scrack pipe Olympic dream a reality! One of Moscow’s top design-ers opened this bar in his designer boutique.Jeers: Notice we changed the beer factor from one to two stars. DS hasfinally done what we’ve been expecting, they’ve doubled theirprices. Manages to cram the most annoying elements of Moscowpafos into the space of walk-in closet. It’s become Moscow’shippest weekday elitny hangout and the newest roost forOpera/Dyagelev/Krisha molls on their off night. Attracts droves ofrich Russian dudes doing the Planet of the Apes routine aroundtheir expensive cars and bikes outside.M:TeatralnayaPhone: 629-8085Address: Stoleshnikov Per. 12Hours: 12:00-06:00

= Fakhie Factor! will you do“it” tonight? ★ = no, even

Abramovich couldn’t scorehere ★★ = roll up in a Merc

or wave yer passportaround; otherwise, expect todo some talkin’ ★★★ =

pack pepper spray, cuz Uneed protection

= Feis Kontrol Factor! will Uget past the thug manningthe door? ★ = even fat

embassy employees can getin ★★ = if you read FHM or

Elle, you’re fine ★★★ = if you

can’t have the art directorkilled, you’re not gettin’ in

= Foam Factor! Will cheap-0 eXile readers be able toafford the beer? ★ = Up to

150R per beer ★★ = 150-

300R per beer ★★★ =

300-3000R per beer

= Starvin’ Silovik! This isn’t arating factor, folks. It meansthat under the new regime,there is no room for thisestablishment. The place isclosed, gone, kaput.Siyonara.

= Remont Factor! Russia isconstantly improving andrestructuring itself underPutin, and this place iscurrently striving to main-tain a socially responsibleand modern interior

Things That Do & Don’t Suck The eXile decoding KEY

&BBAARRSS

CCLLUUBBSS

bar•dak n [Russ, ·‡‰‡Í, brothel, chaos] slang (1997)

BAR-DAK CLUB GUIDE P. 9 THE EXILE MAY 29 - JUNE 12

Updated

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TISI

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Help

★★ ★ ★

Cheers: eXile alert! Ignore previous comments about weekends being hitor miss: every Friday and Saturday (and an increasing numberof weeknights) is packed full of drunk sluts dancing on the floor,on the tables, and on the bar. While the rest of Moscow’s barsand clubs are turning gay, thank God there’s one place still keep-ing it real for the homophobes. Non-dyke lesbo activity has beensteadily on the rise. One time, upon sitting down, a girl from aneighboring table came over and said: “I’m sorry, I lost a bet”and then proceeded to get up on her table and do a striptease!Later we saw two babes practically fucking on the dancefloor,and the night ended with a flat-chested chick flashing us repeat-edly. Great place to start or end a bender. The director is a seri-ous cocktail afficionado (and award-winning barman) who hascome up with a variety of unusual and at times frightening cock-tails, all reasonably priced. Casual woodsy interior, relaxedcrowd, decent service. Long Island Iced tea for 150r. Try the “redhot slammer.” Bartenders often seen at tables whipping up freshconcoctions, slamming glasses on tables, and lighting things onfire. Jeers: During our last visits, the place was half-alive. But then, it was6pm... But that shouldn’t be an excuse. Unmixed White Russiansalmost caused an unplanned puking session. Nachos wereweak. 200 cocktails might overwhelm the indecisive types. Wespotted a table of mungy Lonely Planet type expats.M: BelorusskayaPhone: 995-9535Address: 1st Tverskaya-Yamskaya 27, bldg 1Hours: always

Ikra

★★ ★ ★

Cheers:Finally an indie/hipster bar hits town that’s more or less tastefulto boot. Gets everyone from today’s new kids on the block toageing giants still worth checking in on—bottom line: tons o’interesting acts, every month, without fail. And there’s no betterplace to watch/heckle a small gig than in Ikra’s small hall, moreintimate than NYC’s Knitting Factory but gets the same caliber orbigger gigs. Food surprisingly edible.Jeers: Finally gave us club cards, but make us wait at the bar for a man-ager every time we try to use it. WTF!? Added hookah menu justto fuck wid us. Gets unbearably hot and stuffy inside whenthere’s a packed gig like the recent Kid Koala show. Surly bar-tenders sometimes can’t be bothered to pour you a beer. Cover: Up to 600R depending on the eventM: KurskayaPhone: 505-5351Address: Ul. Kazakova 8A

Kalina Bar

★ ★★★ ★★★

Cheers:Fancy-assed bar on the 21st floor with a fantastic panoramicview of Moscow. Chic clientelle, lots of 30-something yuppiesand the odd gauche New Russian to spice things up. Somebodytried their sushi and said it was not bad.

Jeers:Very expensive. Techno music so loud you’d think you were in aprovincial Azeri restaurant. This is a bar, folks! People are sup-posed to be able to at least hear what the person next to him isscreaming.Club: Kalina BarAddress: 8, Novinskiy Boulevard (Lotte Plaza, 21 floor). Phone: 229-55-19M: SmolenkayaHours: 11:00 – 06:00, daily

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: eXile alert! Katz nearly had to beat the dirty sluts piling up ontoher man with a stick. And she would have too, if the dude was-n’t such a pussed out wanker and fell back from the action him-self. The place is so jam-packet with salivating sluts hungry formale action, you’d think you were in a bad porno horror rip off.All they got to do is get a whiff of your phermones and damn dothese girls move! The only way to sate them is buy them roundafter round of cheap-o booze. Oh yeah and there’s serious LatinDance stuff going on.Cheers/Jeers: The cover charge. Damn, what’s up with dat. What time iz welivin’ in? To get to the overflow gardirob, you have to walk abouttwo kilometers through a dark and winding underground tunnel.You might never find your way back!Cover: 200R for chicks, 300R for dudes on weekends (liberalface control)M: Kuznetsky MostPhone: 624-5633Address: Ul. Pushechnaya 3 (just down from Hola Mexico)Hours: Thurs.-Sun.: 21:00 - 6.00

Krizis Zhanra

★★ ★★ ★

Cheers: eXile alert! Well, we be gosh darned! We hadn’t been here foranything other than peaceful lunch since last spring. We’rehappy to report that place hadn’t changed a bit. KZ still packs inthe young and available babes that say “yes” almost as if we hadpaid for it. eXile editors no longer embarrassingly halted at thedoor by Krizis’ notoriously Nazi face control. Nash seems to havefinaly solved the problem. This place continuously packs inbabe-o-licious dyevs almost any day of the week and they loverock’n’roll! No joke, folks: we had to see it ourselves to believe.Some eXile insiders claim it’s the best place in town to meet awife. THE place to meet a girl you can spoon with... plenty ofapproachable babes, but they require a little wooing. Veryimpressive crowd, including lots of single hipsters and one chickin a Kajagoogoo outfit.They’ve done a surprisingly good jobrecreating the atmosphere of the ol’ KZ, creating a pafus-freezone for all you bo-hos, without the dirt and grime of Lyotchik.Combines student-y types with intellegensia, upwardly mobileyuppies and a smattering of expats. Less pressure to get wast-ed than at Bourbon St.Jeers: If you’re not as well-connected as an eXile editor, you will stillexperience face control at a Nazi Level from Thurs. to Sun.Techno music gets progressively loud as the weekdaysapproach Friday. Because it’s anon-pafusny kinda place, there’re

plenty of cows mixed in with the talent. Reminds us of ourGolden Days of love and youth and springtime, which thenreminds us of the fact that we’z old. Long Islands, althoughcheap, rank somewhere between “bizarre” and “non-alcoholicfruity ass” on the scale of things. Can be a bit boring if no con-cert is happening.Queers: Every ThursdayM: Chistye Prudy / Kitai GorodPhone: 623-2594, 778-2234Address: Pokrovka 16/16, str. 1Hours: 24/7

Krisha

★★★ ★★★ ★★★

Cheers:After a good run this winter, the eXile’s luck may be up here. Ormaybe we just look especially Chechen with our summer tansand long beards. And furry hats. In any case, we’ve been facedon repeat by theObergruppenfuhrer at the door since July. We’rehoping that’ll change with the coming of fall and the return of ourpale faces. If you can get in, then note that the place is packedwith amazing wildlife—the whole range of fauna is here. Maindance floor on the rooftop, partly covered, is where the action is,but the downstairs darker dancefloor may be where you’ll getluckier. The chillout space is one of the plushest in town. Jeers: See above. M: You don’tAddress: Naberezhnaya near Hotel UkrainaHours: 19:00 - late

Lebedinoye Ozero

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers/Jeers:Look to your right for a review, stupid.Address: 9, Krymskiy Val, bld. 22, Phone: 782 5813M: OkyabrskayaHours: 12:00 – 06:00, daily (this week open till 00:00 due tobad weather)

MOTORHOME

★ ★

Cheers/Jeers:In the words of Jared’s little brother Eric Linquist: “This place wasdecked out like some sort of futuristic, rated R version of ChuckE. Cheese with a huge bar and rows of racing simulation podslining the walls. Instead of gay furry mascots, the place waspacked full of Russian go-go dancers in sexy racing outfits doinglesbo shows on the freakin' bar. I mean, damn!” That’s right, it’sa club specializing in hi-tech F1 racing simulators. Those crazyMuscovites! What’ll they come up with next? Play brothels forkid birthday parties? On top of that, the place got billiard tablesand is jam-packed with flat screens showing like 20 differntsporting events all at the same time. No need to chat chicks upwhile getting them drunk enough to go home with you. Here,you can just race them until they pass out behind the wheel.Thank god for video games.Jeers:The place just opened. Developing...

M: NovoslobodskayaAddress: Novoslobodskaya 20Hours: till 1 a.m.Phone: 789-8854Web: www.motordom.ru

MOST

★ ★★★ ★★★

Cheers:Fancy-assed new oligarch lair, reportedly funded by 90s-oli-garch Mamut, once known as the banker to the Yeltsin family.And it shows. No stops are pulled from the multi-zillion-dollardisplay of cars out front, to the heinously overpriced foodupstairs, to the way-outta-your-league ‘garch-hunting babeagedownstairs, where the music and dancing are.

Jeers:Jeering Most is like jeering the oligarchs themselves. M: Okhotniy RyadPhone: 660-0705Address: 6/3 Kuznetskiy Most

Hours:Club open Fri to Sat 8pm to 6am. Restaurant open from

8am till last guest on weekdays, 24 hours on weekends.

Papa’s Place

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: Doug’s in and they just celebrated their tenth bday, marking9.99980 years that we’ve been going there, but we still have atough time convincing the okhranik to let us in for free! Stillredefining the meaning of “packed with drunken sluts.”Someone forgot to tell them that it’s not the 90s anymore. No-holds-barred wet T contest shows more skin than most stripclubs! Proof that there’s still a place in Moscow where the dyevsare plenty and not afraid to drink. We haven’t had this much funsince Putin came to power! Papa’s four-day ninth birthday bashtook so much out of us, our livers are on vacation til next year.Absolutely friggin’ packed full of sluts and drunk eXholes, witheveryone drinking. This is it folks, no unsurmountable face con-trol, no eXtreme prices, tons of approachable offerings and nowthey even have America’s finest brew available: Bud. Thursday"Office Night" rawqs: free food offerings, like the awesome pizza,and an adavantageous chick-to-unit ratio. We also saw one ofthe drunkest Neanderthals of our lives here, devouring his pizzawhile his dyev girlfriend slapped him and pulled his ear to leave.Latin dancing nights are the ONLY game in town on Tuesday!Our last visit saw a mix of sluts and balding guys, and if they canscore surely U can too! Jeers: The “special” green St. Patrick’s beer was just plain-o bottles ofcheap Holsten in green bottles. The crew of creepy drunkmidgets pretending to be leprechauns they had running arounddid not consist of any midget dyevs. Cover: 150R on weekends, free-ish during the weekM: Chistye PrudyPhone: 755-9554Address: Myasnitskaya Ul. 22 (inside Johnny’s)Hours: Always

Rai

★★ ★★★★ ★★★★

Cheers: Members of KISS prepartied here ahead of their Moscow gig.Doesn’t this just reaffirm how happening this place is? We thinkso. If we didn’t always get comped drinks here, we’d probably havea much better understanding of how a place that’s open a total 12hours a week can afford to stay open in Moscow. Once sawYeltsin’s grandson harassing a defenseless DJ here! Second rateNHL star Eric Cole went on record saying this is the best club ever.Good place to show guests that there’s a fundamental differencebetween going out in the US and going out in Moscow. Jeers: Don’t bother unless you’re going with a regular or want to shell outa few G for a table. Girls here won’t even look at us as if we’rebeneath them. M: If you’re even asking, you won’t get inAddress: Bolotnaya Nab. Hours:00:00-06:00 Fridays and Saturdays

The Real McCoy

★★★ ★ ★

Cheers: eXile alert! McCoy’s has entered the 22nd century by installing theeXile’s toilet-stall newspaper stands! Folks, now you can read theeXile while vomiting out your Long Island Iced Tea...all 8 of ‘em!Buns McGillicuddy recently spotted doing shots with mullet-mas-ter Dima Bilan! Pay your respects...and pay the price for all that fun‘n shame ‘n shitfaced inebriation. We’d been staying away out ofconcern for our livers, but one Friday night was enough to realizewhy livers are overrated! This place has so many hot and drunksluts that you don’t have time to focus on one before the nextdemands your attention. Newbies in Moscow have been knownto go into catatonia when they enter this place. THEmost danger-ous place to go for weeknight nightcaps! We defy you to leaveafter just one drink. Hell, we defy you to leave after two! More10PM last calls have turned into 3AM “oh fucks” than we cancount!McCoys is the closest thing to a guarantee this side of NightFlight. Always some table of desperate sluts here, even when it’sotherwise empty. Often features the kind of drunken madness thatwas banned by the Geneva Convention.They let you pass out atthe tables!Jeers: Are they trying to push a blow habit on us by feising us for drunk-eness at 4am? Don’t go here sober—the human fauna might bestartling. Some sluts so ugly, even the jumbo Long Island won’tmake you want them. Getting a drink on a weekend night requiresa half-hour of screaming and waving money at the bartenter. M: BarrikadnayaPhone: 255-41-44Address: Kudrinskaya pl. 1 (in the towering Stalin dom)Hours:Always

Road House

★★ ★ ★

Cheers: You wouldn’t know it, but there’s a genuine neighborhood bluesjoint in Moscow that sort of reminds us of the kinds of blues barsyou’d find in mid-sized cities in America like Fresno or Dayton. Andwe mean that in a good way. Live blues every night, cozy atmos-phere, absolutely no pafos or feis kontrol, cheap drinks and food.30% discount for journalists, doctors and musicians! Lots of bliny,decent amount of groups of single chicks in tight jeans and 80shairdos, tasty “PorkBarbados” for only 190r. Check out theirmusic program and give it a shot, esp if you live in the area.Jeers: The whole “real people” suburban blues thing is not for everyone.While we saw a great Norwegian act playing (and the crowd lovedit), we would expect some acts to sing “blues” with heavy Russianaccents. Gets crowded so it can be hard to get a table.Cover:only during shows, depends on actM:SportivnayaPhone:245-4183 Address:Ul. Dovatora 8 (close to metro)Hours:noon-midnight

Sakhar

★★ ★★ ★★

Cheers/Jeers: This is another one of those elitny-indie hybrid clubs. eXile’s offi-cial club afficianado Dmitry Babooshka says this place is not to bemissed. There’s a lot of teen action here, but of the progressivekind, meaning she’ll be impressed even if an iPhone is the mostexpensive accessory you own. How else do you think Babooshkaget to screw a young dyev in a telephone booth? So far, that’s thebest argument we’ve heard for getting an iPhone.Jeers: No one on The eXile staff (except Babooshka)has one. M: SukharevskayaPhone: 607-2838Address: 235/25 Sretenka St.Hours:Thu - Fri: 12:00 - 09:00

Silver’s

★ ★ ★★

Cheers: eXile alert! Yasha nearly got whacked by a dude who looked likea cartoon version of an Italian mafioso from Miami for snickeringat him and his aging Russian troll. You’ll hear more of the Queen’sEnglish here than at Oxford...Packed on weekends that you mighthave to listen in from the doorstep. Steve has created the favoritehangout for British castaways in town, with a lively pub feel to itany day of the week. We also hear they’re gonna have the occa-sional curry night, featuring Steve’s famous five-alarm curry.Rumored to give beluga caviar away as bar snacks. Their newestcorned beef sandwhich (140R) packs in beautifully with a fewpints of nitrogenated Kilkenny. The fish & chips are tasty and mostunder the rule of real-live Irishman Steve, so you’re guaranteedreal-life Western service with no excuses. Extra note: Food is oddlydelish, esp the 150r biz lunch. We were served a heaping of beefstew and mashed potatoes. Serve cheap, cholestorol-heavybreakfasts as well. Always serviced with a smile by a rotating crewof cute barmaids.Jeers: You might get accosted by Russian students looking to practicetheir angliisky yazyk. Word’s gotten out, and it’s tough to find a seatfor lunch. Don’t come here to hunt for chicks—there ain’t any.M: Okhotny Ryad

BAR-DAK CLUB GUIDE MAY 29 - JUNE 12P. 10 THE EXILE

CLUBBINGADVENTURESTHROUGH TIMEThe gay, the indie and theromantic

By Dmitriy Babooshkapflanze@yandex.ru

As in all science fiction time-travelstories, my adventures began unexpect-edly. I was stuck in traffic somewherearound Serpukhovskaya when I saw anunremarkable building with the nameMoscow Physiological Theater on it.Another advertisement in a small font onthe entrance promised the joys of"Introduction of club Incognito". Therewere a few masks decorating the ad tomake it look more secret.

As you may know that some newspa-pers like The Moscow Times make theirliving by running "introduction" sectionswhere they usually feature pictures offamous actors or models with "call any-time, massage" messages. I have noidea how these call girls look in reality(better ask Ames) but I’m sure they havenothing in common with ChristinaAguilera or Terra Patrick (unless you’rewilling to dish out the big bucks).

Even though I never used these callservices, I realized that "incognito" couldhave some journalistic value, it could bea real swing club.

The reality of it was beyond myexpectations. After paying 400 rubles for

the entrance, I found myself standing inthe middle of a dark room filled withpeople. Judging by their outfits andbehavior, they were from the workingclass or grotesque specimens of thelow-paid office plankton species. Therewere considerably more men in the cluband they were enjoying their vodka fromplastic cups and relaxing in plasticchairs.

A few middle aged ladies were danc-ing next to a stage that featured a liveperformance of some gay singers withbad voices. They were bands withnames like "Nancy" or "Byeliy Orel"(Queer Eagle). These poor saps weresemi-celebrities, and had one or twocheesy hits during their short and lousycareers and their lo-fi videos were verypopular at the start of Yeltsin era. Wedidn’t have any music scene at the time,as you can imagine. Everyone was beingcharmed by Brazilian soap operas, eat-ing humanitarian food from the US anddreaming about big about living inBrighton Beach. The time whenRussians considered America as a coolcountry is gone. Today our stars likeDima Bilan win singing contests and wekick Canadians in ice-hockey and Britsin soccer, just like in the USSR. I guesswe need to arrange a spectacular explo-sion on some remote island with anuclear bomb so everyone understandswe deserve to be feared again. Anyway,I was stunned to know these music-mammoths still exist and perform. Mostof them got fat and lost their voice alongwith their hair, but were still jumping onthe stage.

Incognito featured a long list of theseforgotten bands to entertain their work-ing class visitors as well as some paro-dy shows like "krivoye zerkalo" or"spoiled mirror" where they place mir-rors on the stage and invite people fromthe crowd to laugh on themselves. I wasa bit frightened when a heavy-weightlady with bad breath invited me for a"white dance." I was doing my work forthe eXile, I had to investigate hermotives. After a dance, which seemed tolast an eternity, she offered me a drink.Her name was Anya and she had a bot-tle of champaign at her table and a flaskof cognac in her purse under the table. Acouple of other "girls" completed the

scene. There was nothing strange inAnya’s desire for my young and hairyflesh. She worked as a confectionermaking cakes at "U Palycha" factory andsaw very few men at work. As I under-stood from her mumbling, her husbandwas serving in jail for "burglary andwearing police uniform." She likedIncognito because it was "a fun placewhere she can easily get men’s atten-tion." But after she invited me to contin-ue the party at nearby obschezhitiyewith other "girls" I understood I couldn’tstand this craziness any longer. Iexcused to leave to the loo and oneminute later I was free in shawermashuttle and heading to see LEBEDINOYEOZERO, a new outdoor summer club andchill out zone opened by the peoplebehind Solyanka.

Recently I have read on the internetthat when world sea level rises by 100meters Moscow becomes a real tropicalresort. Lebedinoye Ozero catches thesefuture trends well. The place looks as ifit is taken from jungles of Vietnam withdark wooden terraces around the pondsurrounded by lianas. Since we don’t yethave a tropical climate and not even

warm weather, the place was half empty.The other half of the club was filled withpeople who were tending to sit next toeach other as close as possible to getwarm. Although, the spacious stage,swimming pool, exotic tiki bar and Thaimasseurs make this club a perfect spotto chill during the hot summer nights. Ihave no idea about the selection con-certs here but I’m sure it won’t be simi-lar to Incognito. The colonial style of theclub made it very dark, in terms of light-ing, making it hard to see your femaleprey very well. But that might not be sobad, less light can bring more surprises(and less disappointments).

I was sipping my whisky (250 rublesfor Jameson) when I suddenly feltsomething under my feet. When I saw itwas an expensive Prada wallet my heartstarted beating hard. Unfortunately ithad only 420 rubles, cheap VISAElectron card and a lot of discount

coupons. Also, it had many businesscards with the title as a "make-up spe-cialist" of one of the leading TV chan-nels. Luckily the card had her mobilephone so I was just five minutes awayfrom free whiskey and endless "thankyou" pleasing my ears.

We spent a hour talking to each otherabout the indie music scene, the TV andfilm industry and I felt like I had a realintroduction with a nice-looking girl (canyou imagine an ugly make-up special-ist?). Then I decided to go with myfavorite "romantic stranger" strategy andproposed to take a night walk in thepark.

It is not a long walk to cross GorkyPark, may be about 20 minutes. Butwhen the park is completely empty, thefull moon out and you’re walking hand-in-hand with your new lady friend alongthe Moscow river listening to birdssinging and observing the sunrise, yourealize you had one hell of a lucky night.Especially when your apartment is rightacross the park.

CLUB REVIEW

Club: Lebedinoye OzeroAddress: 9, Krymskiy Val, bld. 22, Phone: 782 5813M: OkyabrskayaHours: 12:00 – 06:00, daily (thisweek open till 00:00 due to badweather)

NEW!!!

Updated

Updated

BAR-DAK CLUB GUIDE P. 11 THE EXILE MAY 29 - JUNE 12

Phone: 290-4222Address: 5/6 Tverskaya Ulitsa (go down Nikitskaya Per.)Hours:8 till late

Sixteen Tons

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: eXile alert! If you think of passing this place up next weekend,don’t. Rumor has it, eXile’s gonna have their 11th anniversaryparty here. Stay tuned. Even if the concert upstairs sucks, the firstfloor fills up with so much indie babeage, it’s kinda hard to believethat you’re in an Irish bar. Indie’s in! They’re there for the music,even if you’re there just for them ... Maybe the eXile’s 10th anniver-sary party that took place here caused all this? Without a freakin’doubt about it folks. Last summer, the place handled the madcrowd rush, and the mad drunken mob of eXholes, like profes-sionals. No one could have done it half as well as Sixteen Tons did,with its superb bar staff, excellent sound system, great stage, andeXhole-friendly management.Thanks to Pasha, Andrei&crew forpulling it off. Shockingly high babe factor at the disco followinggigs. Not that we got laid or anything...or even that we would wantto. Upstairs has some of the top shows and a good mix of dyevsand serious music afficionadoes. Downstairs, a range of scalli-wags ranging from oligarchs to eXpats to divorced mammas tostarving journalists. Management not averse to fights outside. Jeers:Not much to do upstairs when there isn’t live music...Cover: Devs: R100 weekdays, R150 weekends; Guys: R150weekdays, R200 weekendsM:Ul. 1905Phone:253-5300Address: Presnenskii Val 6Hours:18.00 - 6.00

Soho Rooms

★★★ ★★★ ★★★

Cheers: At last a club we can’t get into that looks like something more thana circus tent. Everything about this place feels expensive, like theinvestors said to hell with the whole Leto-Zima-Osen-Dyagilevbusiness model and built a club for the ages. Jeers:That sense of permanence doesn’t make the tusovka any differ-ent. The food has that expensive Novikov-bland sort of flavor.Kinda feels like it was designed as a Hollywood set. M:KievskayaAddress: Saviinskaya Nab.

Solyanka

★★★ ★★ ★★

CheerseXile alert! Solyanka’s newly-minted restaurant just might be thebest new place to eat since we discovered Dantes way back in2007. The 270r biz lunch offers a tasty 3-course evro fusion meal(menu changes daily) that’s a damn bargain for Moscow theseday. Especially when you’ve got the eXile VIPdiscount card! Hostsa strange dyev mix, ranging from semi-bydlo to full on hyper-elit-ny. They arrive when doors open and don’t leave ‘til closing time.Ever since Mix went the way of the Dodo, Solyanka’s hipstercrowd has been getting infused with late 20s/early 30s secre-tary/office worker typedyevs. And that’s just fine by us. If you nowthe type,then you know that they are willing to take it anytime, any-where. All you have to do is notice them. Case in point: Last week-end Levine and Rudnitsky had to beat off three 30-year-old chicksthat wouldn’t leave them alone until they surrendered their phonenumbers. And all this because L & R were speaking English!Mental note: must start coming here more often. A shining exam-ple of the latest club trend: The indie-pafosny hybrid. If you’re tiredof the same ol’ Krizis, but can’t stand the Fag Nation Propka scene,then Solyanka is the answer to your prayers. Semi-intelligentdance music, fairly priced drinks and a bunch of barely legallinged-out indie chicks that can’t afford them.Jeers: Hi tech picture id club card has already broken down, which makesus feel less elite. Windows PC users given hostile looks byMacBook/iPhone-toting hipsters. On club nights, place is harder toget into than Dyagelev. Oh, wait,Dyagelev burnt down. We needto update our metaphores! Closes at midnight on all weeknightsother than Thursdays. Went back to the 90s practice of chargingfor entrance. Some chicks have a “I’m one year away frombecoming a Rai groupie” feel to them. So snatch ‘em up beforethey hit seventeen and become way out of your league.M:Kitay GorodPhone:221-7557Cover: 300 rubles, or somethingAddress: Solyanka 11/6Hipster Blog: s-11.ru

Sorry Babushka

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: eXile alert! Sunday nights at Babushka are the place to see yourfavorite club waitresses get liquored up... that’s right, this is theplace they go to unwind after a tough weekend of work! Just con-firmed: Sorry Bab’s 3am Fri/Sat night drunk dyev index is way offthe charts. From the looks of things, they’ve also given tons of hotgirls the cards, turning Sorry B into a pre-party magnet for galslooking to quench their thirst at the right price. Packs a good crowdon weekends and offers plenty of macking ops. Girls friendlierthan most, and by that we don’t mean they’re ugly. Jeers: Recent menu update for 2007 has upset the balance of one of thebest Caeser salads in town. Seems like everyone here only con-verses wih each other via ICQ message sent between laptops.Weird hippie/Buddhist contingent mixed in with model level babesthrew us off a bit. Portions getting smaller. 50%discount card nolonger works. Got a Prada-lite vibe. Not quite sure what the namemeans, and we’re not sure they know either. You could easilybreak an ankle on the unexpected step near the bar. The food, abargain for card-holders, probably ain’t worth your rubles if youaren’t as kewl as us. M:Kitai GorodPhone:784-0615Address: Slavyanskaya pl. 2

Tema Bar

★★ ★ ★

Cheers:eXile alert! Folks, Tema Bar’s two-year anniversary was a sight to

behold, reaffirming, once again, thatonweekends this place trans-forms into what the Boar House used to be... but more whole-some. And to prove it, one of The eXile’s editorial team pickedpicked up a chick that night just by standing at the bar and nod-ding yes. Previously, Yasha demonstrated by getting the digits ofa nice Jewish girl, while at the same time successfuly wooing ablond shiksa to bed with him... Recent anniversay par-tay was awho’s-who of the anti-pafos, pro-alcohol’n’fun tusovka...alongwith fun-luvin’ babes, many of whom took it upon themselves todance on the ginormous bar. Congrats, guys! If you love Help butwish it had more of a party scene, Tema is THEplace to check out!One of a very, very few places in town where everyone’s having agood time. Dyevs become unbelievably approachable around1am after having downed a half-dozen tropical cocktails. Multiplesets of gals doing the fake lezbo thing to turn you on. One of thecocktails requires donning a Soviet Army helmet and gettingwhacked over the head with a ski! Dima of Help fame has openedanother, bigger cocktail bar, this time smack dab in the center ofMoscow! Great central drinking option, especially if you’re sick ofOGI. Mammoth cocktail menu impresses chicks. Nice value andprices. Jeers: Some of the surliest bartenders in town. One actually refused tolight our flaming cocktails on fire. While all the girls are having funand definitely available, you’ll need to knock back a few before yourbeer googles start functioning properly. Might run into old flingsfrom McCoy’s at inopportune moments. Food not exactly all that. M: Chisty PrudyAddress:Potapovsky per. 5Hours: 24

Tiki Bar

★★ ★ ★

Cheers:The legendery team from Tema Bar & Help are behind this place:Moscow’s first and only tiki bar. If you know them, then you knowabout their magical ability to pack in their clubs with podmoskoviestudent dyevs, as well as a slightly more aged, but yet so easilybangable secretery contingent. Music is loud, so you won’t havetalk to them. Tiki’s extensive menu of fancy polynesian drinks ispacked with copious amounts of booze will get the job done andleave enough money in your wallet for you to order a cab in themorning so that you never have to see your one night stand again.eXile’s official food critic Tofer Lamont got way too wasted on theirfruity cocktails and was too busy chasing another kind of tail toremember much about the food. He thinks he may have had somenachos with some pasta.Jeers:How can you jeer a place that packs a full house of fine, totallynon-indie dyevs that will sleep with you because it’ll mean theywon’t have to wait for the metro to open?M: Barikadnaya Address:Sadovaya-Kudrinskaya st., 3APhone: 741-2203Hours: 24

VinoSyr – Wine &Cheese Bar

★ ★

Cheers: Tofer was blown away by this Italian/Spanish wine bar when hefirst revewed it. With an ok bottle of Spanish red starting at 600r,tasty tapas-style cheese ad cold cut plattes averaging 300r, a lowkey setting featuring a live jazz pianist and wine tasting nights everyWed, this place seemed out of place in Moscow. Cheap ANDgood? Did we die and wake up in the more Western-friendlyMedvedev era? Gotta try it to believe it. Jeers: Make sure you bring some cashola... their CC machine has beenknown to crap out on occasion.

Address: Malyi Palashevsky pereulok 6Phone: 739-1045Metro: PushkinskayaHours:Everyday from 6 p.m to 6 a.m.

Web: www.vinosyr.ruHours: 18.00 - 6.00

Voodoo Lounge

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: Whoa, are we sorry Voodoo fell off our radar screens: here’s theantidote to Pafusny Moscow: cheap drinks, tons of approachablestudent babes, and action that’s rawkin’ before midnight! Don’t letthe cover turn you off: unlike just about every other club inMoscow, Voodoo packs a crowd early. Summer patio should beopening soon, increasing the snapper factor significantly. Recentbirthday party visit revealed HUGE Lolita factor and low White Godfactor, meaning Ucould get lucky! Lots o’ ladies, very few snobs;high marks on accessability, but U gotta dance. Ames tried out aLatin dancing lesson here and almost got beat up by a chick.Plenty of young sluts lookin’ for luv. Stays packed all night long.Voodoo has become part of the must-do “circuit” for everyonefrom hormone-charged eXholes to Latino-luvin’ teenies. Jeers: Things slow down early... around 3. These girls need a lot of spaceto dance—if you get too close, you might get hurt. If you don’trespond well to Slavic pheremones, then beware the BO factor.Snideman impersonators rumored to get in without paying cover.Girls think that all you want is their number. Too many men withgreasy ponytails and Hamas sympathizers. Cover: 50R for broads, 150R for dudes (weekends only)

M: Belorusskaya Phone: 253-2323Address:Sredny Tishinsky pereulok 5/7Hours: 18.00 - 6.00

WALL STREET BAR

★ ★ ★★★

Cheers: New two-level bar for financial types, opened by some local stockbrokers. Talk about the trickle down effect! Perfect place to take aclient on his way to Night Flight. Not that we have clients.Basement cigar room. Unclear yet if the club will feature the sortof decadence bankers here are known for, but we did overhearsomeone talking about shorting preferred Gazprom shares, whichis pretty freakin’ crazy! Real New York financial district atmospheremay make some wet and others dream about pointing a plane intothis place. Could develop into a weekend pre/post-party venue forthose heading to/from 1171, Soho Rooms, etc. Jeers:Prices will only seem reasonable to the type of dudes who buytheir girlfriends Porche Cayennes. Address: 9-1, Volkhonka Str., Phone: 916 5731M: KropotkinskayaHours: 12:00 – till last guest, daily

Zoloto

★★★ ★

Cheers: This place may be opening the newest hip industrial tusovkaneighborhood near the Belorussky train station. eXile club review-er Babooshka went there, he says he picked up like three youngchicks while in mourning for a childhood friend that got run over.But he’s ususally full of shit.Jeers: None that Babooshka told about.Address: 35, 1st Lyusinovskiy per.Phone: 237 6652 M: DobryninskayaHours: 24/7

911 Club

★★★ ★★ ★★

Cheers:eXile alert!The OG 911 in the hotel is still open!Which means Udon’t have far to go if you make friends. Imagine Shandra but in asmall, cozy setting the size of some minigarch’s living room. Lotsof girls all eager to pay attention to you. Strip stage right in front ofyour face, couches, and rooms upstairs (one has karaoke) whereyou can take your favorite dancer. Drinks aren’t overpriced, and thekabinety are free on Sundays, which is good news for cheap-0expats. Also entrance is for now at least free.Jeers: While not expensive, if you’re an English teacher or an editor of theeXile, then this place is out of your range. M:Leninsky ProspektPhone:507-2727Address:15 Kosyguina (in the Korston hotel)Hours:21:00 - 06:00

Bordo

★★★ ★★ ★★

Cheers: Holy shit! Bordo done went and added a sauna, so you can get sofresh and so clean while you’re gettin’ dirty! Might contain thehighest concentration of perfumed flesh per square inch on thisplanet! Deviates from the single-mindedness of Safari and Ishtar...meaning that the owners didn’t skimp on details like air condition-ing. That’s right folks, you can actually come and enjoy yourselfhere before you go about your business. Oh, and did we mention,the ladiez are slammin’! It’s comfortable, well-ventilated and all-together less seedy than just about any other full-service estab-lishment in town. Karaoke in VIP rooms means that you can tellthe girl you take that you own a talent agency and think she’s gotpotential.

Jeers: The veneer of civilization is something that our Editorial Board hasconsistantly come out against in the past. Could this place behaunted by the ghost of the Expat Club?M:Kitai GorodPhone:917-4545Address: Pivchesky per. 4 str. 1Hours: All of them!

Divas

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: eXile alert! A former Hungry Duck beau-from-Ames’-past is nowa dancer here! Who says dating Ames doesn’t pay?!

Conveniently-located ad in this very paper for info on parties anddiscounts. Jeers: Like all strip clubs, you wind up spending a lot more money thanif you had stayed home to search for porn on the net. Cover:700RM:PushkinskayaPhone:609-00-65; 609-00-54Address: Strastnoi Bulvar 10/2Hours: 21.00 - 6.00

★★★★★ ★★ ★★★

Cheers: eXile alert! Happy 16th, NF! A Sweet Sixteen party never looked sofreakin’ hot. NF should recieve a medal for the amount of foreigninvestment it’s brought to Moscow. Still the best place to remem-ber what keeps you in Moscow. Vodka bar in the back offersabout 30 types of vodka, ranging from affordable Stoli to KauffmanLuxury (at R1000+ a shot!). What can we say that hasn’t beensaid... even on slow nights your jaw will be dragging along the floordue to the sheer quantity of available babe-age. Prices have gottenrelatively cheaper, when compared with inflation elsewhere.Congratulations to the fellas that put Sweden back on the map—if only they could conquer our home country, we might move backto America! So packed with awesome babes who want to get toknow you (because you’re so damn interesting), excellent serviceand genuine class. There is no single better way to spend yourhard earned money than at Night Flight, even if it’s not hardearned! If you have only one night in Moscow, make sure thisplace is on your list. Women so hot that you just want to keep themin a padded chest in your basement. No shame in showing yourface: the Swedish-managed staff is discreet, professional andattentive. THE favored place for married men on business trips tovisit—many have given this place "two hastily removed weddingrings up!" Jeers: Following the Manchester/Chelsea game, NF’s escortflation wassetting records at 400 euros per palka! Bring back the crisis days!Lots of silicon on display these days, so you might want to try themerchandise before you buy it. If you bump into your boss, justsay that you’ve come for the food [sic].Cover: 800R, including one drinkM: TverskayaPhone: 629-4165Address: Ul. Tverskaya 17Hours:Club 21.00 - 5.00; Restaurant 18.00 - 5.00

Safari Lodge

★★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: Safari Lodge is back, at a brand new location! Just like before,make sure you get change for those 1000’s before you come, aslap dances here only cost R100. But beware the girls who tell youthey cost R200. A friend of ours was in town for a night and gotripped off by a string of girls who lied about the price.Positivelyinfested with strippers of all shapes, sizes and even colors. No-holds-barred lap dance had us soilin’ our union suits. We made themistake of payin’ 500R for our first one, and then had to use Macefor the rest of the night to keep the ladies at bay. They’ve opened

a hotel upstairs for when an hour in the trailer isn’t enough. U heardus, biznes travelers! Why stay at the Holiday Inn when Safari’s gota place for you? Management guarentees a discrete receipt, too.Got jiggy w/ a dyev in an Am. flag outfit as an expression of patri-otism. The end all and be all of raunchy lap dances. Hands-on per-sonal strip shows make all the difference. For more intimateencounters, there’s a special “dacha” out back, with sauna, dou-ble beds, and shower. Jeers: Watching a fat German tourist make out with a, um, lady of thenight caused lasting emotional scars. So many hos, there’s noplace to sit. Could someone explain why a “privat” dance costs thesame as gettin’ it on? Cover: Not sureM:Park KulturyPhone: 247-0796Address:Zubovsky boulevard , 27/5

Shandra

★★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: Club’s constantly packed with between 25 to 50 strippers of everyethnicity imaginable: Russians, Asians, Africans, even one thatlooked a little Mexican. Our last visit showed them to be so thor-oughly quality-controlled that even our intern was impressed.Pretty good food and the ability to order the emergency I’m-out-of-money-light for your table which alerts strippers to stay clear ofyour area. Yes folks, Shandra does care about your dignity. AneXile operative met a stripper who spoke perfect English and evenread The eXile. Now that’s quality.

Jeers: Look, just because we can’t afford it doesn’t mean we have toknock it, or does it?M:Sukharevskaya Phone: 208-0982Address:Prosvirin per. 7Hours: 20:00-6:00

Violete

★★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: eXile alert! Has no qualms about letting in 2-drunk-2- fuck eXileeditors at 3am! Cocktails mixed well, and the stogie menu reallyhit the spot. Yasha even managed to get one of the babe’s digits!The newest addition to the Ho-ing bordello scene, Violete is exact-ly the place to go if you’ve already done Ishtar and Safari enoughand you’re looking for roughly the same thing but in a newer, non-sticky, cool setting. Violete has it all: scores of hot, friendly nekkidchicks, VIP kabinety with Karaoke offerings, and a highly libidinouspurple hue.

Jeers: We had such a good time sitting at the bar that we pretty muchforgot to go look at the strippers taking their clothes off.M:Novokuznetskaya Phone: 959-3320Address:Raushskaya Nab. 4/5Hours: Evening til morning

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Adis Ababa$

Cheers:The only Ethiopian restaurant in Moscow is alsoits best. Authentic oils and spices mean legit‘Thopian goodness in every dish. The GhoulashAdis Ababa just about had us planning a vacationto the Horn. Every dish is spicy and filling;including decent vegetarian selection.Hoegaarten on tap. Friendly staff will occasional-ly play Ethiopian funk.

Jeers:We’re not sure what it is about Ethiopian food,but for some reason you just don’t really get theurge to go very often.M: KurskayaPhone: 916-2432

Address: Zemlyanoi Val, Dom 6

Correa’s$

Cheers: eXile alert! New Correa’s branch opened up nearMayakovskaya. Recent tasting affirmed a thumbs-up on the brunchfast goods. Also, the babeagefactor seems to get higher and pain-ier everyweekend. They’ve added a couple of new slam-min-good omelets to their reportoire, including agreat spinach and mozzarella baby that we thor-

oughly enjoyed. Great lunch option if you’re nottoo hungry... all three sandwiches our table atehad us in nirvana! 5+ for the smoked turkey andgoat cheese ‘wich. A most awesomely deliciousBuffalo Mozzarella salad (290r). Every item is adelight; in fact it might be the best breakfastoffering outside of the US, if you’re into theAmerican breakfast thing (and only a barbarianwouldn’t be). We tried the goat cheese and blackbean omelet, and yes, it’s Moscow’s best. As forthe dinner meals... First, the marinated olives ‘nartichoke hearts. Second, the juicy Roasted beetsalid with pesto, aged goat cheese and pine nuts.We didn’t know beets could be so good! Third,the Terriyaki Chicken Pita with avocado andcilantro—best damn sandwich in Moscow.Fourth, the entrees. The grilled salmon withorange-soy glaze and fresh snow peas is anamazing, juicy, fresh cut that will leave you verypleased, while Strip Steak with berry-glaze andthick cut guacomole salad will satisfy your meatjones. Deli items a hit with oil-windfall Russians.

Jeers: For some reason babes with babies make thistheir favorite weekend brunchfast spot. If like usyour idea of a good breakfast does not includelooking at some way-too-thin-and-hot chick try-ing to show off her baby (the new accessory ofthe Russian elitny class), then like us, you’ll beslightly annoyed. When we tried to order anErdinger beer from the menu, waitress told us“we haven’t had that for quite some time.”Ordynka location hidden in a business park, of allplaces. May make you feel a little too delovoy asyou search for the entrance. Seating area toosmall. Place has become so popular that youneed to reserve hours in advance.M: 1: Belorusskya; 2: Tretyakoskaya, 3: n/a, 4:

Paveletskaya 5: MayakovskayaPhone: 1: 933-6157 2: 725-5878, 3: 729-2585,4: 969-2113, 5: 789-9654Address: 1: Bolshaya Gruzinskaya 32; 2:Bolshaya Ordynkaya 40/2 (through the shlang-baum), 3: Rublevo-Uspenskoe Shosse 85/1, 4: Ul.Sadovnicheskaya 82 bld. 1 5: Ul. Gasheka 7/1Hours: 8.00 - 22.00 weekdays, 9.00 - 22.00weekends

Flat Iron Grill

$$

Cheers:This place is located in the Marriott Courtyardhotel. If you’re already staying there andabsolutely cannot leave the premises, thenthere’s no reason not to eat here. After all, it’sright in the lobby and the hamburger is prettygood, and if you like fried chicken, then the

Caesar salad ain’t bad either.

Jeers:The WiFi isn’t free.M: Okhotny RyadPhone: 981-3300Address: Voznesensky Pereulok 7Hours: All of them

Hard Rock Cafe

$$

Cheers: Legendary burger (600r) perhaps the greatestburger this town has ever seen. Giant Anguspatty, with bacon, cheez, and onion rings.Mmmmm, we you can taste your arteries clot!Hot damn, folks, that thar’s a hell of a breakfastspecial! For an amazing 100R you get three eggsany style, bacon, sausage and toast, and pota-toes! Move over, Starlite! We nit you shot, folks!Also the breakfast burrito (180R) got high marksfrom Dr. Dolan. We had their burger and we rankit tied with Starlite for Moscow’s best, saveScandinavia’s gourmet burger. Huge portions,great setting that will impress your outside-the-Third-Ring date. Nachos massive and satisfying,good club sand. Non-stop music vids mean thatyou won’t have embarrassing silent momentswith your date.

Jeers: New menu seems to have jacked up the prices,

while leaving the portions the same. All-VH1 allthe time video system makes us pine for the daysof Creed. They get you with the 60R “Americancoffee” that’s espresso ‘n’ water. There’s alwayssomething... A lot of stuff, like the bacon, toosalty. A lot of songs, like Creed, too shitty. HeavyAmerican tourist presence. Place so packed nowyou’ll probably have to wait. M: SmolenskayaPhone: 244-8970Address: Stary Arbat 44

Hours: 24/7

Starlite Diner$$

Cheers:eXile alert! The Starlite burger has been rockingour world for a few weeks in a row. Not sure if it’sthe looming snapper season or what, but thepatty just seems softer, juicier and has just theright thickness. Starlite at Mayakovskaya hasreopened after a minor fire, and is now moreStarlite-y than ever before. Was the fire in anywayconnected with the newly installed eXile newspa-per racks in their bathroom stalls? We just orderwater and stare. Discovered bagels hidden on thebreakfast menu and, even if they’re frozenLenders, we ain’t complaining. Get them withbacon for a tasty kosher treat! Re-affirm twohowlin’ pastel coyotes way up on the Southwestchicken wrap! New eXpand-O breakfast menu hasour mouths a-waterin’! Thumbs up on theFlorentine Omelet with spinach and feta. Lotsaother items look good too, like the KamchatkaCrab omelet and the pecan pancakes. Best placein town for a late night pre-bedtime burger. Is itjust us, or did the omelets get incredibly tastyagain over the past month? The best place towatch issues of international significance unfold.Seriously beefed up the ham&cheese! Two impor-tant points: Some of Moscow’s best burgers andbest breakfasts. eXile staffers agree: late nightplate of nachos are vastly preferable to clubbing.The chili may not be world famous but it is yum-milicious and Moscow’s best. Mongoliciousomelets that even tames the violent temper ofMorris U. Snideman, Esq. Stomach-expandingbreakfast burritos a good alternative. Milkshakeshuge again, and orgasmic. Try the coffee-choco-late-oreo mix.

Jeers: Have gone completely native: now offers a selec-tion of kalyans. Starlite burger ain’t a 100 percentsurefire hit. Previous visit revealed an under-cooked, soggy patty that had a cooked-in-

microwave feel to it. Kid-filled Sundays remind uswhy we’ve forced so many girls to have abor-tions. M: #1: Mayakovskaya #2: Oktyabrskaya #3:UniversitetPhone: #1: 290-9638; #2: 959-8919; #3: 783-4037Address: #1: Sadovaya Bolshaya ul. 16; #2: Ul Korovy val. 9; #3: Pr. Vernadskogo 6Hours: 24 hours

Fossil $

Cheers:This place could be Moscow’s best Arab option.Our first round of tasting eXposed us to delicioushummus (190r), succulant babaganush (210r)and mouth watering kebab. We’ll be back, so besure to stay tuned for updates...

Jeers:Total lack of a dyev presence that would make theHezbollah proud. The spinach pastries seemed tobe experiencing microwave-induced soggyness.They play what could be the worst restaurant inMoscow, a blend of soothing arab techno and bad80s music. Luckily, it ain’t that loud.

M: Chistye PrudyPhone: 626-4570Address: Ul. Myasnitskaya 24/1 str. 1

Aromatnaya Reka$

Cheers: eXile boku alert! This place serves it up real andtasty every freakin’ time. Just tried the freshspring rolls and they are the best in town. Whilethe pho won’t rock your world, it will keep youcoming back. Meee sooo huuungry! AR’s housedin a now-defunct “Americana” gay/transvestitecabaret, but don’t be fooled by its new location.The waiters may be effeminate, but the cousine isstraight Viet Cong. Tasty springrolls, good noo-dles, pho and just about every other Vietnamesedish is as close as you’ll get to perfection thisside of Laos. Ho Chi Minh would be proud. Andthe food’s so reasonably priced, even the

Asian

Arab

American

African

EEAATTSSKEY $ = UP TO $15.00

$$ = $15.00 - $30.00

$$$ = $30.00 - $50.00

$$$$ = $50.00 - ∞

(for one salad, entree, and one cocktail per person)

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Vietnamese could afford to eat here.

Jeers: If we jeered, we’d only be showing thatAmericans are sore losers. So we’ll go ahead anddo that by saying: Don’t bother ordering thesteamed spring rolls or the grilled eel wrapped inspinach.M: BaumanskayaPhone: 267-3190Address: Takmanov per. 11

Spicy$$-$

Cheers: Holy shit! A new Chinese/Thai place calling itselfSpicy! Could this be the answer to our prayers?

Jeers: No! Place should be called ass-y, as the only feel-ing we were left with was sadness over our utter-ly bland meal. Not one piece of food had any fla-vor to it whatsoever, let alone any spice. Couldn’tfind the Thai portion of the menu and later hearda rumor that it sucked so bad, they dropped italmost immediately. Too bad they didn’t do thesame for the Chinese part. There’s a good chancetheir kitchen is infected by the assiness ofPourboire up the street.M: BelorusskyaPhone: 766-2222Address: Ul. Krasina 27, str. 1

Maki Kafe$

Cheers:One of the top spots in central Moscow for sur-prisingly delicious food at surprisingly not-ridicu-lously-expensive prices. Good place to take adyev-date. The Thai coconut soup, milkshakes,salads and even sushi rolls rank high with us ordyevs we’ve been there with. And oh does Makihave a lotta dyevs to maki upi. Not that we everwould, but if you’re one of those peacockingpickup artist douchebags, then you’ll find plentyof girls here to laugh at you. High ceilings, sparewood interior make this unlike most pseudo-mod

shitholes. All in all, we likes it.

Jeers: People tend to think this place is better than it is.Just have reasonable expectations. In life, as wellas in Maki visiting.M: PushkinskayaPhone: 692-9731Address: Glinschevskii Pereulolk 3Hourse: Mon-Thurs 12:00 - 00:00, Fri-Sat12:00 - 05:00

Vietcafe$

Cheers: Rockin’ Vietnamese food in the very center! Hardto pronounce anything on the menu, but we’dhave a hard time complaining about it either. Foga (160R) and pho bo (180R) soups were giant-sized and rocked our world. Mains weren’t tooshabby either. Babe waitresses in elegant Asiangowns gave us chubbies.

Jeers: B-lunch is Evro. Why would you want to go to aVietnamese place and eat evro? We failed to findthe promised chicken and pork in our Fo SaoTkhit, instead finding it stuffed with shrimp(which wasn’t so bad). If you really want goodVietnamese, you have to go to a rynok.M: Okhotny RyadPhone: 629-1104, 629-0830Address: Gazetny Per. 3

Yoko$$$$

Cheers: The fish is of high quality, but...

Jeers: if Yoko’s chefs were true to their craft, they’dgive Novikov a karate chop below the belt forbreaking with world sushi regulations and minia-turizing Yoko’s entire menu selection. Bewarned, Yoko’s sushi portions are two timessmaller then you’d expect.Address: Soimonovsky proezd, 5M: KropotkinskayaHours: From 12:00 till last guest

Telephone: (495)506-00-33, 506-55-33

Dioscuria$

Cheers: Stick with the basics—lobio, eggplant rouletteand dolma—and you can’t go wrong. Ruble pricesunaffected by Moscow boom, making Dioscariusone of the greatest bargains around! Almost ascheap as Guriya, but thrice the quality. One tasteof their sturgeon shashlyk or Adzharian khacha-puri (with a fried egg in the middle) and you’ll behooked. The delicious lavash bread comes pipinghot, perfect for sopping up leftover juices.

Jeers: Wild fluctuations in quality remind us of theNasdaq. Recent lulya kebab served blackened onthe outside, raw on the inside and apparently

deep fried. Still has deafening live music sung onweekend evenings. Menu doesn’t quite have allthe favorites (meaning dolma); sometimes thebackroom mafia feel is a bit too realistic.M: ArbatsksyaPhone: 291-3759Address: Nikitski Bulvar dom 5, str. 1 (throughthe post office arch off Novy Arbat)Hours: 11.00 - 23.00

Genatsvale$$

Cheers: eXile alert! Ames recently visited here, comping afree meal from wealthy retired tourists. The Arbatlocation is pretty gauche, but it’s also prettytasty. Bill came to $40 a head, but the food wasas good as any Georgian fare. Recent visit reaf-firms that Genatsvale is good, but the prices havedoubled. Delish veal shashlik. Quick service,excellent hachapuri (100R), decent harcho(120R) and mighty succulent chicken shashlick(180R). Excellent prices, a great Val-U. Alsoserves a massive variety of lamb and pork dishes,including ribs, knuckle, shashliki, and thingswe’ve never heard of.

Jeers: Prices have shot way up. Hot red lobio tasted likecanned Rosarita refritos, only not as good. Lambchunks in harcho tasted like buffalo chips.Monster PA speakers blast at night; to avoid it,you have to sit at dwarf tables in the back. Expecttables packed with black-clad Georgians giving10-minute toasts in which all guests have tostand with tired arms holding up shaky glasses ofvodka. M: KropotkinskayaPhone: 202-0445Address: Ostozhenka 12/1Hours: 11.00 - midnite

Metekhi$

Cheers: eXile alert! Reaffirm on food here after recentvisit. Tasty shashliki, among the best khachapuri,esp the “Metekhi Khachapuri” with 2bl cheese.Still an eXile favorite. Came here with a Georgianborn in Metekhi, and it made him homesick. It’sTHAT good, folks! Red and green lobio that actu-ally contains fresh ingredients. All the taste of thebest Georgian places without the slow serviceand gloomy decor.

Jeers: Lamb shashlik a bit too fatty. Not easy to find -it’s on a small side street. Cheery decor maymake you feel this can’t possibly be a Georgianrestaurant. M: Tsvetnoi Bulvar Phone: 200-0837Address: 1-i Kolobovskiy Per. 11Hours: 11:00 - 23:00

Tiflis$$-$$$

Cheers: eXile alert! Recent all-things-Georgian ban meansyou can’t get any Borjomi or Kindzmaurali! Noteven if you try bribing the wait staff. Recentsending-away party confirmed that Tiflis is prob-ably the best Georgian restaurant in town, espe-cially with the outdoor terrace. Everything ishigh-quality, especially the various shashliki, sat-sivi, lobio... The favorite Georgian restaurant forthose foreigners who are rich enough to believethat they’ll get in on the Gazprom share thing.Serve generous portions of everything; priceshigher than Metekhi but worth it.

Jeers: Sadly, they the Georgian beverage ban did notextend to chachi. Service can be so incrediblyslow you’d think you could fly to Georgia andback and serve yourself more quickly than theseturtles. Might make you pre-pay if you’re dininglate. No little puppet figures of Georgians payingbribes to Moscow cops in the metro. Place oftenpacked. They get mad at you when you try tocatch the fish in the fountain in the upstairs din-ing room.M: Park KulturyPhone: 8-499-766-9728Address: Ostozhenka 32Hours: 12.00 - 00.00

City Grill$$-$$$

Cheers:eXile alert! This might be the only place in townyou and your Russian dyev can agree on.Thumbs-up for the Caesar Salad (185r). OurRussian date enjoyed the California Rolls (295r).Good option when you’re sick of Starlite but don’twant something too fancy. Delicious salads anddumplings. Has quietly become one of ourfavorite places when it comes to finding thatpoint between interesting food, good prices, andcool atmosphere. Try the tuna roll salad, the Thaistirfry, and anything with duck. Cute waitresses,strange chrome bathrooms, and plenty of look-ers. Good biz lunch.

Jeers: They pack you in a bit too close, meaning you

can’t reveal state secrets without everyone listen-ing in. Service is still sometimes a bit off. Don’torder the milkshakes. They could use a shake upof their crappy Belgian beer list. M: MayakovskayaPhone: 299-5519Address: Ul. Sadovaya Triumfalnaya d. 2/30Str. 1 (across from the Am Bar&Grill)Hours: 11:00 - 02:00

Prado$$-$

Cheers: eXile alert! Newbie Zaitchik snubbed his nose atthe only elitny restaurant the eXile recognizes byshowing up late at the eXile staff party and leav-ing early. He preferred warm snapper to thedozen cold seafood salads laid out on the table.Can we blame him? Yes. We used to think sayingyou come here for the food is like telling some-one you read Hustler to protect your FirstAmendment rights... until we ate here. It’s reallyfreakin’ good, folksSo elitny they don’t even havea sign out front. Unless you count all thosestretch Mercs and BMWs with smoked windows akind of sign. Inside, the place is packed full of thebeau monde of Moscow. It’s so gauche—includ-ing huge lamp covers that look like giant bronzesponge contraceptive—that it works. Amazinglyenough, the food is excellent and reasonablypriced. If they let you in, that is. Delicious rawtuna salad (400r), and surprisingly good Risottowith Asparagus and Shrimps (450r), a dishalmost no one gets right in Moscow.

Jeers: Eight bucks for a beer? Are you fucking kidding?!You won’t exactly feel comfortable here. Packedwith single aging molls in expensive gear sippingfrom one pot of tea for four hours just to be inPrado. We also spotted a guy wearing sunglass-es, white 70s Bee-Gees clothes, playingbackgammon and generally acting cool whileordering almost nothing. Don’t these peoplework?M: Kitai-GorodPhone: 784-6969Address: Slavyanskaya Ploschad 2

Aist$$$$

Cheers: We were treated to a meal here by an Anal-Listerwho shall remain nameless for the next 6months! The place to go for oligarch sightings(there’s a schul next store). We were seated nextto Freidman last week. Roof garden done right.Say what you will about Novikov, he finds greatchefs. Even the shashlyk’s frickin’ great. Bestmojito ever. The high-priced hos trawling forsugar-daddies even give bums like us the once-over by virtue of the fact that we got a table.

Jeers: Uppity waiter had to be reminded to refresh ourdrinks. Folks, this ain’t something you wanna bedoing for a $100 biz lunch. The $50 duck was dry,which just ain’t cool. You’ll want to get out ofyour Zhiguli gypsy cab about 20 meters beforethe entrance or you’ll be a laughing stock. M: PushkinskayaPhone: 736-91-31/32Address: M. Bronaya 8/1Hours: 12:00 - 24:00

Apple Restaurant$$$

Cheers: The Apple Bar and Restaurant is open to non-guests at the Golden Apple, “Moscow’s only bou-tique hotel,” and it’s a good thing, too. This sleekspace is perfect for a mellow and delicious din-ner. An imaginative and tasty take on theEuropean fusion menu, the Apple is strong onseafood and offers more pumpkin themed dishesthan any place in town. Great cocktails,attentivestaff, good music. Their Rasberry Lamponi wasour favorite cocktail last summer.

Jeers: You can’t afford a room in the hotel but have toeat next to people who can. M: TeatralnayaPhone: 928-7602Address: 8/10 Neglinnaya Ul.

The Apartment$$$

Cheers: Hip wine-bar downstairs, kewl SoHo-style loftupstairs. Menu’s not pretentious, but everything’sdamn good. A welcome break from Novikov copy-cats that are always trying for impossibly com-plex food to show off that they know ingredientslike broccoli di rape. For most of us, theirThanksgiving feast was a first introduction... andmost of us agree, it was absolutely d-lightful! Ina novel approach in Moscow, Apartment is goingfor ambience over food. While everything we aterocks, the menu’s supposed to fit the place ratherthan visa-versa. The chef’s a fish specialisttrained in France, and you can feel safe eating ithere. They’ve almost made a cult of freshnesshere. Chill, homey mood, even if this is a favoriteamong the elite. Great leather chairs and a ghettofor cigar smokers.

Jeers:We know this is an up-n-comin’ hood and all, butit’s a pain in the ass to get to. Welcome to newMoscow, where if you want to eat well, you’ve gotto drop a C-note.M: KievskayaPhone: 518-6060Address: Savinskaya Nab. 21Hours: 12:00 - last client

Dantes$$

Cheers: Yasha’s totally neg review a few issues ago wasway off. Hands down, Dantes is the best newaffordable restaurant in Moscow. It has the bestfried noodles this side of the Great Wall and at300 rubles, cheap by Moscow standards, too. The170 ruble house red isn’t that bad. They servedecent evro food and sushi to keep your datehappy. Open 24 hours. Has WiFi. Get here beforethey jack up the prices.

Jeers: Skimpy eurofag Steak & Eggs breakfast less sat-isfying than a negative-calorie rice cracker. Theycharge 300 rubles for four pieces of dim sum. TheCaesar salad is not recommended. We had themost unsavory pork dish the day after Putinnamed Medvedev his successor. Also, the littlepotato spheres served on the side were too dryand the bread stale. Is Dantes losing its touch, orhas food stopped tasting so good now that weknow the Putin-era is coming to an end?M: Lubyanka

Phone: 621-4688Address: Myasnitskaya 13-3Hours: always

Eat & Talk$$

Cheers:Located in the lobby of a small business center,this place is a good choice for biz lunch or grab-bing a nightcap at 5 a.m. It has three big thingsgoing for it: location, big buffet, and vibe.Situated next door next to ZhurFak , E&T is con-stantly filled with cute journalism students. Freewifi, accessible plugs and central location. Theyjust opened a new, nicely designed Irish pubdown the hall that is the only place in town to getGuinness Extra Cold.

Jeers:The seats in the VIP room looked like their weredesigned for getting some serious work done onyour laptop, but turned out to be way too high forcomfort. M: BibliotekaPhone: 961-3101Address: Mochovaya 7Hour: 24/7

El Parador $$

Cheers:When you have a hankering for jamon, the thinlysliced leg meat from the Iberian black pig, this isthe place to go. The chef may have a Russianpassport, but his heart is Spanish. The jewel ofthe desert menu is the rich and almondy Tarta deSantiago. Eat it and weep tears of Spanish butter.

Jeers:Flamenco musicians take to the small stage onlyafter at 8pm, which is good if you’re on a dateand don’t are willing to endure anything but con-verstion, but annoying if you’re just trying to eat.M: TverskayaPhone: 650-1623Address: Tverskaya ul 12/2 (entrance onKozitsky)Hour: Lunch ‘til dinner

Guylian Cafe$$

Cheers: eXile alert! Totally not the sucky ass-flavoredfood you remember! New menu is simply delight-ful, thanks to director Chantelle and three-starchef Peter Goosens. Will satisfy all your Flemishdesires. Waterzoi Soup (375r) quite possibly thebest soup in this city. Coquilles St. Jacques scal-lops dish (650r) simply orgasmic. Large selectionof Belgian beers.

Jeers: Although everything on the menu is good, there’sa strong chance you’ll end up eyeing your date’sdish with envy, wondering if it’s somehow better.Furniture lame and reminiscent of 70s WoodyAllen movies.M: TeatralnayaPhone: 928-7602Address: 8/10 Neglinnaya Ul.

GQ Bar$$$

Cheers:

European

EclecticCaucasian

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New place to go for those of you sick of VogueCafe. Probably the trendiest place in town forthose who are willing to throw down loot and notcare about it. True gentleman Ames wasimpressed by the food’s quality, and found it funto eat Evro-food with chopsticks. Three enor-mous halls should make it E-Z to get a reserva-tion.

JeersWay pricey. eXile editors can’t afford to eat hereunless someone else foots the bill. For being abar, there sure aren’t many people drinking them-selves stupid. Then again, with Grey Goose run-ning 380R a shot, who can afford to? You mightrun into Russian movie stars and their entourageon your way out of the pisser.M: TretyakovskayaPhone: 956-7775Address: Balchug Ul. 5Hours: 24 hours

Los Bandidos$$$

Cheers:Excellent hamon (690R+) and more than onegreat paella (de pollo for 790R, and de corderofor 890R). It’s a spinoff of the famous Spanishrestaurant of the same name outside of Marbella;the head chef in Moscow is an import from there.Real Andalusian cured hams that hang fromhooks from the ceiling, highly professional ser-vice without being intrusive. Gazpacho delicisio,but at 12 dolares its loco.

Jeers: Pulled the old “we’re out of all the wines cheaperthan 3100R, sir” ruse on our last visit. Who wouldwant to eat Spanish food unless it’s a tapas bar inNew York or LA? Wildly overpriced but solid qual-ity that makes you feel like you’re in a fancy,overpriced West European restaurant rather thanone here.M: TretyakovskayaPhone: 953-0466Address: Bol. Ordynka 7Hours: 12:00 - the last chico

Mulat Tomas$$

Cheers:eXile alert! Great place for quiet late-night diningin style. Get started with the free and tasty bread,then move onto the gigantic soups (c200r), whichwas more than enough to fill some of us up. Forthose still hungry, the veal mignon (790r) wasdivine, and the spaghetti with seafood (490r) got

high marks. The sexiest newrestaurant/cafe/tusovka in Moscow, opened up bythe good folks who brought us Ketama, Shyolk,and the late Mesto Vstrechi. Here you enter a denof sin, with plush blue velvet and heavy draw-drapes to close your booth. Delicious, simplemenu at reasonable prices. Try the soups, thefresh-baked breads and pirozhki, delicious sal-ads, nice choice of mains. So far no complaints,

expect it to be a popular place soon.

Jeers: Although service was more or less great andunobtrusive, the waiter had the tendency to dis-appear at the moments you really needed him.Don’t go here with your ex-wife. Or your wife, forthat matter, unless you’re the type who stillsleeps with his wife. We prefer the meat mains tothe fishy mains.M: ChekhovskayaPhone: 694-6252Address: Bolshaya Dmitrovka d.17Hours: Always

Ogni$$

Cheers:Ogni comes from the Discreet Charm folks, andit’s already drawing a strong crowd of 20-some-thing professionals. Kamchatcka Crab salad(300r) was a hit, as was the fact that they serveyou .5l mineral waters for 60r.

Jeers: Otherwise the food is nothing to email homeabout. Rudnitsky was so incensed by the NewYuppie crowd of once-interesting Russiansbehaving as dull and bland as Americans that hewent out and got married just so he could have awife to beat.M: SukharevskayaPhone: 207-1222Address: M. Sukharevskaya pl. 8Hours: Always

Pilsner Urquell$$

Cheers:eXile alert! Recent thumbs-up for the reliablygreasy and good-sized portions at fair prices.Zaitchik praised the Cvickova meat ‘n dumplingsextravaganza (390r), while we found the smokedchicken a bah-gain at 325 rubles, though we did-n’t feel too hot afterwards. This chain is expand-ing quicker than Flounder’s waistline! NewishPokrovka location just like the original: good,cheap beer, and lots of greasy beer food. We real-

ly dug the semi-spicy sliced chicken dish (275r),Just about the only place in town where you cansay, “Czech, please!” Cheapish new Czech pub ata prominent Mayakovsky location is solidlymediocre... just like you’d expect from theCzechs. Stick to the sausages and beer (0.5l for75-110R), and you should have a good time of it.

Jeers: For some reason patrons here seem to be in afrantic race to lower Russia’s life expectancyeven lower than the current 58 years, as nearlyevery client smoked not just foul cigarettes, butalso cigars and pipes. Pipes! Can’t someone justgong these idiots who smoke pipes?! What fuck-ing century do these assholes think we’re livingin?! Agh! Coming here frequently will turn makeyour belly look American. Rude hostess nearlytackled us on our way up the stairs because weneglected to tell her that we had friends waitingfor us. Our ‘medium rare’ steak was burnt to acrisp. When was the last time you craved Czechfood? Exactly. M: 1: Mayakovskaya, 2: Kitai GorodPhone: 1: 251-2023, 2: 624-7003Address: 1: 1st Tverskaya Yamskaya 1, 2:Pokrovka 15/16Hours: noon-midnight

The Real McCoy

$$

Cheers: eXile alert! We think we saw the famed baguettede Paris sandwich back on the menu...but we lefttoo drunk to remember. Service has been more-or-less prompt on recent weeknight visits.Always surprises us that the food is so good! Andyou can easily do dinner for two with booze forunder 1,000R! Portion giganto-sized, filling youup without letting you down. Kickin' businesslunch deal. Succulent salmon filet made Schrekfeel like he was back living next to the PacificOcean. Spaghetti carbonara was good by Italianstandards—for 210 rubles, and at 5:30 in themorning! You can also get big slabs o’ meat(R400-R700) that actually come rare if you want‘em to. Don’t try anything too fancy and you’llwalk away completely sated. Did we mention it’sthe best bar in town?

Jeers: eXile alert! Former fave 3 Amigos sampler platenow total sucks ass. Chicken wings absolutelyunedible—we think they may have spent moretime on the grill than on the actual chicken.Service so bad on a recent Saturday afternoonvisit, we were forced to call the manager from ourcell phone in order to get a waiter to stop watch-ing soccer and take our order. We have the feel-ing that the high quality of the food probablydoesn’t hold up at drunken 6AM visits. High USembassy spook factor. Spicy the Mexican food isnot. The chickpea and lamb soup (R180) needs tomeet a blender. M: BarrikadnayaPhone: 255-41-44Address: Kudrinskaya pl. 1 (in the Stalin sky-scraper)Hours: Always

Tapa de Comida

$$-$$$

Cheers: eXile alert! If you’re looking for a different sum-mer veranda to dine at, definitely give Tapas a try.Two big thumbs-ups for the Gazpacho (140r) andthe Sangria, which rawqs. Pig out on the giganticMixed Grill, a steal at 1100 rubles when you seethe portions we’re talking about. Two of us stillhad to take a doggie bag. The food here’s great,with our favorites including the salmon seviche(R190), the beef filet salad (R400), and the rab-bit. Great sliced meats and a surprisingly goodcheese plate (R 480) well worth it, featuring thenot-to-be-missed drunken goat cheese.Downstairs in the tapas room rawks! Totally laidback atmosphere where you can simply point towhat you want at the tapas bar. Plenty of Spanishtapas and, for your chauvanistic Russian friends,plenty of Russky-style tapas. Best bits includevarious sliced meats (although chirozo could bespicer...), smoked salmon, fresh-made bread,and a shrimp dish whose name we don’t remem-ber. The format seems to be a real hit amongeXpats, and we counted three tables of ‘em on arecent visit. As always with places run by thefolks at McCoy, killer cocktails... but you mightactually be able to walk rather than crawl out ofthis one. Great drinks menu, including smoothcognac like “kheres” for only R120/75g and tasty,funky sangria by the liter.

Jeers: Things to avoid: salmon suffle, the chicken liver,and drinking here until 4. Tapas only served onthe first floor. M: Tsvetnoi BulvarPhone: 208-2007Address: Trubnaya ul. 20/2 str. 3Hours: Always

Adzhanta$$

Cheers: eXile alert! A few certain friends of The eXile notknown for their culinary sophistication gave thisplace two overpriced samosa’s up. Rita theRussian date agrees. She says: “I simply lovethis place! Who knew that Indian food tasted somuch like Russian food. I mean, we even have thesame national dishes. Indians have Biryani, wehave Plov. They have Samosas, we haveXachipuri. Next time, I’m gonna come here withmy girlfriends. It’s so expensive and has suchgood remont!” Good bellydancing at a non-obnoxious volume has been reported. They alsotake American Express so you can blow yourcompanies cash on overpriced meals.

Jeers: Too freakin’ expensive, even if it is situated in astandalone palace. For your money, Maharajh isstill the best bet in town. Rita asks: “I like it, butwhy do all the waiters have to be dark-skinned?Isn’t this a high class restaurant.”M: Ulitsa 1905Phone: 609-3925, 609-3701Address: M. Gruzinskaya 23

Hours: 12.00 - midnight

Darbar$$

Cheers: Hands down still far and away the best Indianrestuarant in Moscow, despite some new andfainthearted competition. The menu featuresboth southern and northern dishes, and theKeralan owners make sure the Indian chefs geteverything right, especially the yummy dosas.Most of Moscow’s major embassies gets theirIndian catering here (includiing the Indianembassy), so you can be sure it’s good enoughfor you. And the stunning view from the roof ofthe Sputnik--their new location--takes a nighthere to the next level. A rooftop bar/deck is in theworks, so stay tuned...Jeers:The music that accompanies the dancers that popout of the wall every half hour is a little loud. Butat least it’s over in two minutes. M: Leninsky Prospekt Phone: 930-2925, 930-2365Address: Leninsky Pr. 38 (Top Floor of HotelSputnik)Hours: 12.00 - midnight

Juggernaut

$

Cheers: eXile alert! Now with the self-service section, youcan eat plenty of meatless grub, some actuallyquite good, for very cheap. It’s now gone up inour esteem. This place is great for dinner, but it’sthe huge and delicious desserts that really bringyou back. Unlike a lot of veggie places, Juggwants you to have a good time. With prices thatmax out at less than $6, even our junkie friendscan now afford to stay well-fed and fit.

Jeers: Many patrons have that kind of depressed, sallowcomplexion that makes us want to b-line it toMickey-D’s for a Big Tasty. The place has a grimBerkeley vibe until dinnertime, when the staffperks right up and the portions get bigger. Lackof booze takes the whole health-food thing a bittoo far. We could really do without the overweightbelly dancers.M: Kuznetsky MostPhone: 928-3580Address: Kuznetsky Most 11Hours: 10.00 - 23.00

Khajuraho$$$

Cheers: Killer Indian food, with tons of vegetarianoptions, and lots of copulating statues spreadthroughout the dining room. What more couldyou ask for? How’s about some of Moscow’s bestbelly dancers? Host to Dr. Dolan’s tear-filledgoing away party, when we tried most of themenu, and loved it all. We especially recommendthe palak paneer, tandoor dishes and just aboutanything with lamb in it.

Jeers: Food was rather on the bland side on our lastvisit. Ear-shattering music accompanies a bellydancer who isn’t much of a babe. How is it thatMoscow’s got so many great Indian options whenjust about every other ethnic joint in towndeserves an ass? We resent having to makechoices, and they don’t bode well for Putin’sattempt to restore order in Russia. M: Ul. 1905 godaPhone: 256-8136; 256-7202Address: Shmitovsky proezd 14

Hours: 12.00 - ‘til the last guest

Maharajah$$$

Cheers: eXile alert! Folks, if you’re jonesing for takeout

and you live in the center, then don’t even both-er going anywhere else. We picked up in 15 min-utes, and our culinary karma was elevated to thehighest levels for several mouthwatering hoursafterwards. Try the succulent and elegant serv-ings of Chicken Tikka Masala (595r) and the less-spicy but succulent Chicken Tikka (560r). Asalways, superior service, reaffirming our two tur-ban rating. Hail the reining Rajnish! New disheslike the Chana Palak, spinach with chick peas,ruled, while old fave Chicken Vindaloo had usworking up a massive sweat. Service here isimpeccable. An Indian friend tells us these are thebest curries in Moscow, and we have to agree.Prices may be a little more than U’d like, but thequality can’t be beat. Attention lactose intolerantreaders: will make the palak paneer (R360) withpotatoes (saag aloo) instead of cheese if you asknicely. Great butter chicken (R510) and blacklentil dal (R250). Samosa (R70 each) might notbe Darbar-quality, but it’s not on Leninsky, either.

Jeers: Told us with scorn that there are cheap items onthe menu when we asked if they had a biz lunch.It’s in a basement. Naan is not great.M: Kitai GorodPhone: 621-9844; 621-7758Address: Pokrovka 2/1Hours: 12.00 - midnight

VostochnayaKomnata$-$$

Cheers:eXile alert! Better call for reservations first—recent Friday night visit found the place packed tothe rim, with lines of people waiting to get inside.As annoying as that was, it’s certainly a step upfrom seeing Sushifags standing in line for Gyno-taki and Yuckitoria! Our ideal meal starts withsome khachapuri, continues with some falafel,and then ends with some curries. Reaffirm twoturbans way up on the hummus and the nan-likepita. Murg valai tikka, marinated chicken tandoor,a great bargain at 200r. Easily the cheapestIndian food in the center, and tasty too! SexMachine gave good marks to the Murg MasalaCurry (180R), and the Palak Paneer (180R). Nanbread a mere 30R, and among the best in town.Middle-Eastern menu has nice hummus (100R)and above-average falafel (30R).

Jeers: Belly dancer not “all that.” Sitting near the bardoes not get you quicker drink service. LongIsland Ice Tea mysteriously served sans ice.Brought our appetizer out long after we’d alreadyfinished our mains. Tabbouleh was weak. Dishestend to be spiced for the Russian pallet unlessyou tell them in advance to spice it up. M: SmolenskayaPhone: 937-8423Hours: 12.00 - 24.00Address: Smolensky Ploschad 3 (Smolensky Passazh, down the pereulok on theright)

Acapulco $$

Cheers: Thank you Acapulco! There ain’t that many placesout there that still fit into our image of Russianrestaurants: terrible, overpriced sloop that, at itsbest, reminds you of the concoctions that you’dwhip up in 7th grade Home Ec. class. The tacos(R290) come in a star-shaped hard shell reminis-cent of Chevy’s mini-taco salads! When we askedfor a spicey masking agent, they brought us mayowith red pepper mixed in!

Jeers: Who needs Jeers with Cheers like these! M: Park KulturyPhone: KulturyAddress: Zubovsky bul. 27/5Hours: 12:00 to 24:00

Navarro’s$$

Cheers:eXile alert! See our expand-o-update on pg 20.We just sampled Navarro's amazing weekendbrunch, and folks, you won't find a better place inMoscow. Everything from succulent oysters tofresh tamales, babaganoush to freshly-slizedpork shoulder, paella, and a huge dessert spread,all for 1200 rubles. Also if you like spicy BloodyMary, then definitely try the version at Navarro's,and you'll sweat your hangover away. YuriNavarro, long an eXile fave, now has his ownnamesake restaurant not far from Santa Fe, andfolks, everything here lives up to the name. Wide-ranging menu offering excellent tapas, ceviche,grilled fish and meats, salads, and even huevosrancheros for breakfast. You should start at thebar and try as many tapas, without even bother-ing to choose. You might come across the succu-lent Tiraditas de Salmon, marinated in lime,cilantro, and garlic. Fantastic quality, greatdesserts, all in all a place to go if you’re the

gourmand type or just looking to relax.

Jeers: So far, no jeers...M: 1905 Goda Phone: 259-3791

Latin

Indian

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Old Havana$$

Cheers: eXile alert! We just found another reason to gohere: the kickin’ bar. Live Latin music, tons ofbabes gettin’ juicy, and a great place to pick upoff-duty Night Flight/Metelitsa whores. OldHavana is new-ing up their menu with some muydelicioso items! Our favorites included the bread-ed langostines with a mango sauce, the massive-ly tasty chicken stuffed with a pistachio filling,scallops, and the yummie duck salad. Now youcan eat more upscale Cubano food or the moresimply Cubano...and still enjoy the rippin’ goodcocktails and the wild shows. Good place forlarge parties. Last visit roundly praised all thedishes, as well as the hand-rolled cigars (1,000-1,500R). Impressive show, full of dark-skinnedAfroCuban babes. Bar area packed full of drinkersand dancers, making this a one-stop party jointon weekends. Delicous food at surprisingly cheapprices, enchanting interior, the music and danceshow is enthralling (especially on weekends).Two rooms, either the low-key bar area with a liveband, or the wild show room, which is good fordates but not for conversation. Avocado Salad(130R), Santiaguera Pork (310R), rice with blackbeans—all the authentic stuff from real Cuba isthere. Already attracting the limber Latino com-munity and Russians who love that whole Latinonight thing. Also try the yucca plant and the plati-nos. Have their own hand-rolled cigars, kick-assmojitos, the most authentic ones in Moscow!

Jeers: Our mains were a bit cold, but the staff was will-ing to put them in the microwave for us. This isn’ta place for quiet conversation. It’s more like apeople’s Cuban restaurant, which is a plus for us,but not for the Salnikovs of this world. We can’treally complain about much. Except maybe thatthe dancers were so caliente that we couldn’tlook at our dates anymore.M: Volgogradskaya ProspektPhone: 277-0578Address: Talalikhina Ul. 28Hours: 24/7/265

Night Flight$$-$$$

Cheers: eXile alert! There’s a new chef in Night Flight’skitchen, and that means a new reason to “go therefor the food.” Which we did. The new menu isboth creative and elegant, serving up still some ofMoscow’s best culinary delights. We started withKamchatka crab roll pistachio salmon roe (450r fora medium-sized plate), an amazingly rich, deli-cious concoction for the crab-lover in you. Next wetried the Asparagus creme scallops soup (230r fora taster bowl), made exactly as thick and rich as itshould be. The chicken/noodle/veggie wok dishperfectly captured the oily goodness of properlyfried chow mein. Our favorite had to be the maincourse, a thick juice Reindeer steak cooked rare,served with foi gras potatot dumpling (750r for the“starter” size). While most game is usually, er,gamey, this reindeer meat tasted like it came from

Texas, making us wonder how Santa Claus man-ages to keep himself from cooking Prancer andVixen after having to look at their tasty loins everyChristmas Eve. We finished off with a suprisinglytangy, delicious homemade Cactus Sherbert,which we highly recommend. As always, the wineswere expertly chosen, making Night Flight still oneof Moscow’s very best places for genuine winelovers. The most surprising wine had to be theHugel Riesling from Alsace (2900r for a bottle),while the Ironstone Reserve California Zinfandelwent perfectly with the bloody reindeer meat. Withsuperior wine selections, as well as expert anddiscreet service, and views of the hottest babeswho seem interested in you, this place still ranksas Moscow’s finest dining.

Jeers: Honestly, there’s nothing at all to jeer here.Entrance fee - 800 rublesM: TverskayaPhone: 229-41-65Address: ul. Tverskaya 17Hours: 18.00 - 05.00

Scandinavia$$-$$$$

Cheers: eXile alert! This place cooks up some "gourmet-shit," as Samuel Jackson might say. A CrayfishBisque (380r) to die for, fantastic duck and succu-lent Lamb Entrecote, all done simple and to per-fection. Killer Scandi-style quesadillas are greatfor table to share while you’re waiting. Big ups tothe chicken cesar, too. Our other favorite Swedishrestaurant. Re-affirm the buy on the Caesar Salad,our newest fave in Moscow, packed full ofRomaine and shrimp. Large fine de claire oysters,flown in fresh thrice weekly, brought the Atlanticsea to our taste buds. As always, cocktails are firstrate. One more reason to hit the bar: the famousSummer Cafe Burger is now available year-roundin the cocktail lounge! Yippee! Service impeccablea always. Indoors now offers biz lunches fromR290! Babe-o-licious waitresses. Bloody Marys sotangy they’ll make you wish you had a hangover.Moscow’s sleekest urinal.

Jeers: Like we said, not cheap, portions not large, so Old-Europe-phobic Americans might need a littleadjustment here. If you thought western I-bankerswere a pre-98 phenom, you haven’t been toScandinavia recently. Hummus conspicuouslymissing from the menu recently, although we’vebeen told it’ll be back. M: PushkinskayaPhone: 937-5630Address: Palashevsky Mal. per. 7Hours: 12.00 - 24.00

El Gaucho$$$$

Cheers: We’ve been lax on trying this place since we hadDoug’s, but now that he’s gone, we decided to tryArgentinean steaks and folks, they wuz good!Forget Goodman’s, El Gaucho has the best steaksin town. Sure, they’re pricey, but you do get what

you pay for. Coal grill they bring out with eachsteak keeps your meal warm. We’ve eaten heretwice so far, and both times we felt like we wouldnever have to eat again. Mayakovskaya locationTHE place to take someone you wish to impress.

Jeers: The Paveletskaya branch isn’t all that swanky.Different branches have different menus. We can’tafford to eat here more than once a year. M: #1: Mayakovskaya, #2: Paveletskaya, #3:Krasnie VorotaPhone: #1: 699-7474, #2: 953-2876, #3: 623-1098Address: #1: Sadovaya-Triumfalnaya 4, #2:Zatsepsky Val 6, #3: Bolshoi Kozlovsky Per. 3Hours: 12.00 - 23:00

Goodman

$$$

CheerseXile aler t! The burger that we’re about tomention, yeah the tasty one that’s we wantedto rock your world. Well, it ’s now two times ina row that they’ve been out of beefpat t ies.Tverskaya has been out of them.Although Goodman’s burgers are pricier thanScandinavia’s at 450r without toppings, they’redamn tasty and quality. The chocolate cake(270r) is better than most of our sexual experi-ences of the last few years. Ribs shockinglygood and slide off the bone so easily you caneat ‘em with a fork. Plus, they’re a relative bar-gain at $24. Our favorite steakhouse. Theyactually cook the meat as you request it, neveroverdoing it! Tries to be a local version of thePalms, including weary middle-aged waitersand caricatures of local famous people (includ-ing a startling likeness of our boy Sam) on thewall. Ribeye ($34) is huge and hugely satifying.

Jeers: We’re still waiting for a better-priced version,with better Palms-like service, of this place,but until it comes, we have to give props toGoodman’s. Bet ter make reservat ions onTverskaya, as biznes is booming. Barrikadnayabranch feels like it’s on the third floor of a mall,and it is. M: a) Pushkinskaya b) BarrikadnayaPhone: a) 937-5679 b) 981-4941Address: a) 23 Tverskaya b) 31 Novinsky bulHours: 12.00 - ‘til the last customer

Steak’s$$

Cheers:Located in the old Le Club. Mid-priced. Notsure what the hell they’re aiming for here, butperhaps we tried it too soon after opening.

Nothing memorable.

Jeers: Should be named "Sucks."M: TaganskayaPhone: 915-1042Address: Ul. Verkhnaya Radischevskaya d. 21Hours: noon-midnight

Torro Grill

$$

Cheers:eXile alert! Torro just opened up at a new andhighly accessible locat ion! Check out thereview on page 13... Moscow’s newest meat-lover’s restaurant sets itself apart from the restwith its remarkably reasonable prices, kick-assArgentinian grill, and meat offerings that breakout of the usual steak offerings. Besides Ribeyesteaks, they offer awesome sausages, juicychicken, a mouth-watering pulled-pork sand-wich, and one of the best bowls of bean soup inEurasia. Definitely have the freshly brewed paleale. From the good folks who first brought usGoodman’s, expect Toro to become a bigtime

fave.

Jeers: You’d jeer if you were a vegatarian.M: 1) Universitet; 2) ProletarskayaPhone: 1)775-4503; 2) 671-7346Address: 1) Prospekt Vernadskogo d. 6 (inthe huge new mall), 2nd floor next to the movietheater; 2) 3 Krutitskiy per., 11Hours: noon-midnight

Thai Thai$$-$$$

Cheers: Centrally located, decent Pad Thai and Pad keemao noodles dishes, fine service, said to havea real Thai chef, definitely has a nice Thai host-ess.

Jeers: Tom Yong Goon soup way way way too salty.Not as good as Blue Elephant, but not as over-priced either.M: Chisty PrudyPhone: 510-1813Address: Ul. Pokrovka 4Hours: 11.30 - midnight

Tibet Restaurant$$

Cheers: eXile alert! This just in from our last visit:“Holy fuck is this place tasty!” With the leg-endary Doug Steele now at the helm, Tibet hasbeen reincarnated to higher level of conscious-ness. The drab 90s decor has been replacedwith something more befit ting of the Putin era.But the change isn’t just skin deep, it’s spiritu-al, too, man. In addition to their kick ass SpicyChicken Wings (eXile’s personal favorite), Tibetnow offers a Spicy Fried Potato dish that actu-ally really spicy. The Mustard Sesame Chicken,the Pork With Pepper, Chicken Auido, as wellas the Chicken Chili Noodles are some of the“must-try” menu modif icat ions. But what’struly blessed is that we have been assured that

Tibet will continue stay within their previouslystablished Val-U range.

Jeers: That would be like bad karma.

M: Okhotny RyadPhone: 692-0267Address: Kamergersky per. 5/6Hours: noon - 23.00

13 Sandwiches$$

Cheers: eXile alert! We just ate another massive roundof 13 Sandwiches, and the entire eXile staff cannever go to shite "sandwich" dives like PyatZvezd again. Every sandwich is masterfullythought out, huge, and original, including theroast beef favorite. If you miss genuinely inven-tive sandwich culture, then pine no more. 13Sandwiches is the answer to your problems.Seriously. The Proscuitto di parma, sopresata,grilled bell peper, provolone and mayo paniniwas a big hit with us, unlike any sandwichwe’ve had in the FSU. Popular choices includethe Kamchatka crab meat, arugula, sliced avo-cado sandwich, and the Roast Beef panini. Theyalso offer a range of veggie delights, and nowwarm meals. Reasonably priced, good portions,qual i ty ingredients, perfect for a businesslunch. We’re def going back.

Jeers: They were playing incredibly loud Russian MTVshite when we visited.

M: Tsvetnoi BulvarAddress: Ul. Trubnaya 21Phone: 106-4996

Johnny’s$

Cheers: The pizzas are, if not the best, then right thereat the top. With the people-viewing that goesalong with it , this is one of the great af ter-hour places to stop for a bite. Great gelatowith constantly changing flavors! Good placeto take your provincial date, who’l l think it ’s“k lass” and won’ t bust your wal le t .Af terwards, head downstairs into Moscow’shappeningest disco, where you can ditch theprovincial date.

Jeers: Don’t get tempted by the cakes/baked goods,or we’ l l have to say, “we to ld you so.”Sometimes you can smell the sweat wafting upfrom Papa John’s.

M: TurgenevskayaPhone: 755-9554Address: 22 MyasnitskayaCall Lena at 795-3376 fax us at 245-1415 or email us ateditor@exile.ru to give or receive some sweet lovin’.

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